Version: 2
Client Name: Manish
Target School: Chicago
Essay Question:
Why are you seeking an MBA? What are your plans and goals after you receive your
degree?
Essay Type: Future Goals
Actual Word Count: 514
Target Word Count: 500
Second Submission of Essay with Editor’s Comments:
Over the next few years, I would like to round out my corporate finance experience
with exposure to other areas of finance, even possibly investment banking
[Comment 1] . Even more importantly, I aim to learn about other areas of
business—particularly marketing and strategy. Doing so will help me become a
well-rounded manager who understands all of the inner workings of a company
[Comment 2] . My ultimate goal is to become CFO of a large company, but in the
shorter term I know that the best way to grow professionally is to learn more about
general business, and a Chicago MBA will help me do just that [Comment 3] .
I [Comment 4] received my degree in Business Management with a concentration
of Finance at Delaware State College in the undergraduate business program,
which had just formed two years before I joined. Due to the newness of the
program, there were not many classes set up specifically for undergraduate
business students. We were thus all placed in graduate level classes along with
the MBA students in Delaware State's business school. This experience proved to
be the most exciting and, at the same time, the most intimidating one in my life. It
was exciting because I realized that I had the intelligence [Comment 5] to learn
alongside current MBA students, but it was scary because I learned that I had
much to learn [Comment 6] in business. It was for this reason that I decided I
needed to acquire a good basis of understanding in finance once I graduated from
college [Comment 7] .
I reasoned that the best way to truly learn and understand finance was to start as
an accountant and get a good grounding in the basics of the income statement and
its components [Comment 8] . This led to my first job as a Staff Accountant at Bob
Chinn's, Inc., a restaurant operator in Chicago. After two solid years of accounting,
I realized that I wanted to learn more about the operations that generated the
statement, as well as the workings [Comment 9] of planning and forecasting.
Rather than just reporting what had happened, I wanted to be closer [Comment
10] to the decisions that steer the business. This led me to my current job as a
financial analyst at A.T. & Love Corp [Comment 11] .
I have now reached another point of awareness in my life [Comment 12] , and I
want to expand my knowledge of business in general, in order to grow as a
potential [Comment 13] manager. In particular, I would like to combine what I
learn at Chicago GSB with my own experiences to figure out how a company
structures its finances can help its managers make better decisions [Comment
14]. For instance, I have seen companies with too much debt make decisions for
the wrong reasons, and I would like to learn how to avoid making these same
mistakes in the future.
The first step to learning and applying these lessons is for me to gain more formal
training in business school. With its flexible curriculum and a student body so
dedicated to seeking answers to tough questions, I know that Chicago GSB is the
ideal place for me to take this next step in my life [Comment 15].
Content:
You very clearly and directly answer questions that are asked. The admissions
committee can get a clear sense of who you are and what you want to do with your
career.
You might consider giving a bit more explanation as to why you have set these
goals for yourself. Questions you might want to answer are:


Why do you want to be a CFO? Maybe you admire the CFO of the
company you work for now.
Why do you think investment banking is the best post-grad school position
to prepare you to be a CFO v. getting a position in corporate finance at a
company and working your way up? I think the admissions committee will
know why (i.e., exposure to many industries, etc), but they want to know
that you know.
The last two paragraphs could be more specific and focused. Here you begin to talk
about why business school and why Chicago. You have already showed the
admissions committee how thoughtful you have been with your career choices to
date and it would be to your benefit to show the same level of detail/thought with
your educational goals and choice of school. Sections below give specific items to
add.
Adding content might be hard, given you are currently slightly over the word limit. If
you are looking to make room, consider condensing the background part (second
paragraph). It’s relatively less important that the other sections (it supports and
explains the answers to your questions, rather than addressing the questions
directly) and the sentences of that paragraph could be more concise.
Content Rating: 4 (out of 5)
Parameters / Structure:
The first paragraph is great in that you address the question straight away. The first
two sentences do leave the reader asking “why?”. Why do you want to round out
your corporate finance experience? Why do you want exposure to other areas of
business? We find out in the last sentence that is it because you want to be a CFO.
Consider stating that in the beginning and then going to the short term goals /
education goals.
For example:



Over the long-term, I want to be a CFO of a large company.
To prepare me for that position, I aim to be an investment banker.
I want to go to GSB so that I can round out my corporate finance
experience and learn about general areas of business (i.e., marketing).
Parameters / Structure Rating: 3 (out of 5)
Grammar:




Excellent! No noticeable errors.
Slightly over word limit. Don’t try to cut out words and the expense of losing
the clear style of the essay.
Word choice is awkward in a couple places and is noted in the essay
Slightly less concise than the first essay. You might consider condensing
some sentences, especially in the second and fourth paragraphs
Grammar Rating: 5 (out of 5)
Use of “Situation, Action, Result” format (if applicable):
N/A
Reflection on Target School:
Much better than first draft. You still have to show that you have a deeper interest in
Chicago GSB and more familiarity with the program.
There are few areas that you’ll need to address:




What is unique about GSB that fits my educational and career goals? The
GSB’s strength in the finance community is probably one main reason.
How is Chicago different than other top schools and what does that attract
you? You might consider looking at how Chicago is different that other
programs (i.e., Wharton, Columbia) that are commonly considered “financedfocused” and determine what is different about the GSB. How does that fit in
with your goals? Give reasons why the GSB is the only school that makes
sense for you to attend.
What is unique about me that will make me fit in at GSB and make
contributions that no one else can? You have a strong background in
finance, so maybe that’s a good place to start. Describing fit is hard to do. If
you can, try to talk to current students or alumni.
Mention if you have visited the school
You might consider dedicating more than just one sentence to this part.
Reflection on Background::
Very well done! You added great level of detail about your undergraduate
experience and how it impacted your career decisions to date.
You might consider addressing why finance versus other career options that would
give you exposure to business as well.
Also consider explaining why accounting and not an entry-level job in a corporate
finance department, since finance is your main interest out of school.
Rating Descriptions
Category
Rating
4-5
Content
3
1-2
4-5
Grammar
3
1-2
4-5
Structure
3
1-2
Description
The essay adequately answers all elements of
the essay and utilizes a fitting experience /
example for the question at hand.
The essay does not completely address the
essay and / or the experience / example used is
not compelling.
The essay fails to adequately answer a critical
portion of the essay and does not use a fitting
experience / example for the question at hand.
The essay has minimal grammar flaws,
including syntax, sentence structure and use of
idioms.
The essay exhibits grammar flaws that should
be addressed, but do not affect “readability”.
The essay exhibits grammar flaws that detract
from the essay and do affect “readability”.
The essay flows well, is concise and meets the
word limit criterion.
The essay surpasses the word limit by a
noticeable margin and the essay would benefit
from structural improvement.
The essay is difficult to follow and the main
points of the essay are difficult to extract.