My Mother
Helen Estelle Clarke Forsdick, was born in Liverpool England on
November 9th, 1913.
Her official first name was Helen, but was known as Daisy in her youth,
as Stella in mid-life, and as Helen at the end of her life. At the
New York Times in the classified advertising department, to keep things
simple she was known to her telephone customers as "Helen Ford".
When I think of her various names, I always think of the lyrics of the
Beatles Song "Rocky Raccoon":
Her name was McGill,
And she called herself 'Lil'
But everyone knew her as Nancy
Her Father, John Clarke was a sea captain and was away for long periods
of time -- in World War I he was captured and was a prisoner of war.
As a result, her mother, Katie Leslie Clarke, was a dominant force in the
family -- a role model that I am sure rubbed off on Stella, and all of
her siblings.
After High School, Stella worked on Wall Street -- a place and profession
that she proudly shared with her future husband, Harry W. Forsdick.
Stella married Harry in 1939 and in 1943 Jane was born and 1947 Harry
(me) was born.
The Forsdick family moved to Stewart Manor, Long Island, N.Y. in 1950
and to Garden City, Long Island in 1953.
In Garden City, Stella concentrated on raising a family, singing
in the Choir of her church and participating in the causes she
supported, including Planned Parenthood.
In 1970, she and Harry retired and moved to Roger's Lake in Lyme, CT
where they became involved with their grandchildren, traveling, and in
this Church, the Old Lyme Congregation Church.
Stella and Harry eventually moved to a condominium in Waterford, CT,
and then various life-care, nursing home facilities until their deaths,
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both at age 90, in 1997 and 2004.
Stella was spiritual in a simple, worldly, way. She was an active
member of several Christian churches, but I don't think I ever heard her
talk about Jesus per se. She was private about her religion but certainly
vocal about her ethical and moral beliefs.
She reinforced herself by posting around the house small clippings and
sayings about how to lead one's life. There are several of these in the
booklet we created about her life and we encourage you to take one if you
haven't already done so.
Like us all, Stella was a bit of a contradiction -- her conflict was
between pride and modesty. She was overflowing with pride about many
topics but troubled about how to express this without seeming to boast
or brag. The net result, sometimes, was a question in Jane's and my
minds as to whether we were doing well enough. I can recall her
criticism of other parents bragging about their kid's accomplishments,
implying (but not saying) that her kids were just as, or more
accomplished. This view on life certainly rubbed off on Jane and I in
our own ways. I believe she felt that if your actions are stronger than
your words, you are in a sounder position. Later in life, I think she
realized that if you don't claim it for yourself, if you don't love
yourself, it is unlikely that anybody else is going to claim it for you.
My Mother was Proud ...
of Herself
her self-sufficiency, sort of like Myrtle Krepsbach in Garrison
Keillor's Lake Woebegone: "Thank you, but I will do this myself"
her dislike for doctors: Like the rest of the Clarkes she was
unapologetic in her mistrust of doctors. I have never quite
understood this, but I too suffer from this affliction.
her knowing the right way to do things: I can partially understand
this characteristic, being absolutely sure of some things I do,
whether they eventually work out or not.
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I apologize to those close to Jane and I for the fact that this
self-sufficiency and complete confidence in one's own convictions has
rubbed off on both of us.
of her Husband
his profession:
Wall Street was a special place for both of them and Stella let
us know that Harry worked in a special place.
his needs:
She made sure that Harry's life was easy to live. Clothes cleaned
and pressed, Dinner on the table when he got home from work,
Deferring her own aspirations in support of his -- a
characteristic that he did not abuse.
his character:
She reminded us often that our father was a good person, one who
was respected and sought after by others. Sometimes she would
let him know when he was being too available to the various widows
and orphans he helped, but the message that he was a good guy
came through loud and clear.
of her Children
their accomplishments:
As I said earlier, she was a bit conflicted about how to praise
but not be boastful. People other than Jane and I may have a
different impression of this, but to us, she came across this
way. She was extremely proud, but was uncomfortable expressing
this.
their professions:
Stella believed that Jane and my professions were distinguished.
As a Nurse, Jane is able to help people on a daily basis and this
pleased Stella. In her later life, Stella tried to protect Jane by
warning her about giving too much of her life to nursing.
Stella was proud of her financial mathematical abilities. Her
ability to make sense of check books, accounting, budgets,
investment records and trends. She could add enormously long
columns of number by hand and head, long before the advent of
calculators.
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When I got into computers and networking, she was intrigued and
curious. She would have liked to understood more of what I do,
but the combination newness of the computer age and the
maturity of her own life prevented her from getting as deep an
understanding of my profession as she would have liked. If she had
been born in a later era, I believe she would have be a wiz at
computers.
By the time I got to MIT, the gulf between what I was doing
and the mathematics she had mastered were wide enough that all
she could do was to be happy that was happy in my profession.
I do want to let you and Stella know that I calculated that she lived for
33,101 days, 83 days longer than my father’s 33,018 days.
of her Home:
Stella created a home life that was calm, welcoming and relaxed.
I remember our home as a comfortable place to be. We had a dog and a
bird who frequently was let out of the cage and quite often perched
on sheet music on the piano, nibbling on the top edge so that it
eventually looked like the valley between two mountains.
We ate together every weekday evening sitting at the dinning room
table.
Almost every Sunday we sat down for dinner mid-afternoon after
getting home from church.
Many evenings in the winter we would sit down in front of the TV and
have an evening supper that included tea and English pastries -- I don't
seem to recall anything in the protein or vegetable food groups being
represented.
Her home extended to the cottages we rented for summer vacations. I
can remember the craft activities she created for us -- for example,
sitting around a table painting conch shells, which eventually gave off a
really foul rotting odor when we brought them home from vacation. All
of these craft activities were her ideas and she continued to pursue them
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long after we had outgrown them and refused to participate.
A child of the depression, she was extremely frugal in everything she
did. Where I would first go out and spend a hundred dollars buying
special knives, matte boards, and framing tools before starting a
picture framing project, she would make due with the scissors and
used mattes and frames she already had around the house. She was a
true Do-it-your-selfer: she built thing out of found objects.
Stella was an excellent seamstress, not afraid to use her mathematical
skills to adjust a pattern if needed. One Christmas she sewed Leslie a
ballerina dress, sewing each sequin onto the dress by hand.
Gardening was a continuing pleasure throughout her life. Wherever
she lived, she managed to create a place where flowers could flourish.
She wasn't too big on indoor plants, but outside, Chrysanthemums,
Irises, Hollyhocks, and Day Lilies thrived.
of her Music
She was very proud of her involvement in the Chorus of the
Metropolitan Opera and her involvement in the Choirs of her churches.
Jane and I knew that Saturday afternoons during the Winter months
were reserved for the Texaco Metropolitan Opera Broadcast. Sunday,
after church we would listen to the broadcast of the Mormon Tabernacle
Choir on Temple Square in Salt Lake City – a place I could only
imagine until years later when I visited there as an adult.
of her Heroes, England, the English and the British Empire
My mother had heroes and wasn't afraid to name them: Winston
Churchill, The Queen, John Kennedy, Jimmy Carter, Rudolph Bing of the
Metropolitan Opera and Margaret Sanger, for her efforts in promoting
family planning. Some local examples include people in this church:
David Good and Carlene Gerber.
Even though she emigrated to America when she was 6 years old, she
obviously was nurtured in a British household. She loved British
people and things relating to the British Empire. Tea was her
favorite drink.
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of her Sense of Humor
Stella was fond of a good joke -- but keep it clean in front of the
children. She was a willing victim of Harry's practical jokes and
cooperative when it came time to wear my Grocho Glasses.
On her 90th birthday, we had a party for her at the Nursing Home. Jane
bought all sorts of decorations, including a tiara that Stella wore. At one
point Stella leaned over and the tiara fell to the ground. In an instant,
without any prompting she said “The King will be Furious”.
She introduced me to the fine art of making animals talk. For both of us
it was a useful outlet for saying those things you wish you could say, but
can’t. But, the dog certainly can make its own astute observations about
what it sees going on…
of her Feeling of Being Responsible
Stella felt responsible for everything and worried about it all.
Whether the issue was her children or the state of the world, you can
be sure Stella spent some sleepless moments over it.
The last time I spoke with her, we spent much of the time discussing
why the trucks parked in a construction job across the street from
the Nursing Home were not being used. She was worried that their time
was being wasted.
and finally,
of her Compassion for Others
I have found it difficult to write about her compassion for others
largely, I believe because I suffer from the same
"exhibit pride / avoid boasting"
affliction she suffered from. So, with my cousin Pam Leitman's
permission I'd like to read you a letter she sent me recently.
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Dear Harry,
I've been wanting to write to express my sincere sympathy on the
passing of your Mom, my dear, Auntie Stella. I know the last years
have been hard on all of you and particularly on her. She was always
such a vibrant and high energy person with an incredible quick mind
that aging, ill-health and strokes surely took their toll on her sunny
disposition.
I want you to know how wonderful an aunt she was to me and my
family. Auntie Stell was always there for us -- offering her help in so
many ways. I have memories of her loaning your house on Euston
Road while we shopped for a place to live just after Pop bought his
candy business in Jamaica Queens. I also remember how Tony was
invited to stay with you for a few weeks before Junior High started, so
he could get acclimated to suburban life after being a Watchung
Country boy.
Your mom was always there for my family and always a pleasant and
gracious hostess. I have a particularly fond memory of when I
graduated from Stony Brook in June 1968 and was home for only a
few days to try to get my life in order. Auntie Stell called to speak to
me and said she wanted to take me out to lunch and buy me a gift
for my graduation. I was so honored and felt so special! I spent a
wonderful day with her having lunch, shopping for a new raincoat
that she wanted to buy me. At the day's end, I asked her why was I
getting so much attention. She said "After all, Pammy, you are the
first girl in our family to graduate from college in four years". I
was so touched that someone even noticed!
Auntie Stell will always hold a special place in my heart. She wrote
me a beautiful note after my Mom died (she was so helpful during that
period of my life, too) and said "My mom would always be a beautiful
garden in our lives". Well, I would like to say the same about your
mom. She too was a beautiful garden in all our lives.
Love,
Pam
Stella, may you now rest in peace knowing that people appreciated your
caring and thoughtfulness in just the way you hoped they would.
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