The Great Walls of Misunderstanding
1. Noise is ever present in our environment. Hone your auditory discrimination skills by
purposely turning down the volume on the TV just when you want to turn it up. Leave the sound
of the dishwasher and the dog barking in the background and put all your attention on what the
person on TV is saying. This also challenges your ability to concentrate in noisy situations that
are not under your control.
2. Two or three times a week, open your mind to something you've previously opposed and don't
know much about. For example, I used to dislike football, based on preconceived notions about
the type of people who play football and those who watch it. But I had never taken the time to
really watch a game and look for the good in it. So one day I said to myself, "If football is so
popular, maybe I'm not giving it a chance." I turned on a Buffalo Bills game for about thirty
minutes, and I discovered at least three things that make football interesting and entertaining.
Even though it may never be my favorite sport, I now understand the attraction to football and I
am less critical about the sport. Try this approach with your not-so-favorite things or people. Be
open to their views, and listen to them from the standpoint that there is, at least, something to
learn from them. As you widen your knowledge base, you will grow to appreciate these various
perspectives as valid as your own.
3. Here's one of my favorite listening activities. Try this at a company outing or some large
gathering. When you get into a conversation with someone, keep the conversation away from
your agenda. Ask a few open-ended questions that begin with why, what, or get the other
person talking, for example, "How did you get interested in fly-fishing?" or "What do you think is
a wise investment?" Your aim is not to see how many questions you can ask, but to let others do
more of the talking and you, more of the listening. At the end of the day, notice how much you
learned and how many new acquaintances you made simply by giving others the spotlight.
4. Identify people in your life whom you dislike. Facing your prejudices or strong dislikes,
whatever they may be and for whatever reason they exist, is an unpleasant task for most of us.
Now, find one thing you like or respect about that person or activity. The next time you interact
with him, focus on that one thing. Most likely, your negative judgment will also compete for your
attention. Acknowledge its presence and refocus your thoughts back to the positive aspect.
5. Over the next few days, notice how often negative thoughts about yourself or others creep
into your mind. The longer you dwell on negative thoughts, the more deeply they become
ingrained. Counteract these negative thoughts with positive ones.
6. To broaden your perspective on any given topic, try this eye-opening activity. Pick up a
popular magazine with a wide readership, like Time or Newsweek. Read the featured article,
which is usually several pages. Think about your opinion of the article: the writer's point of view,
the tone, the accuracy or credibility of named sources. Were the points well supported? Get the
next issue of the same magazine and read the letters from readers. Even if the article was not
particularly controversial you will read at least four points of view different from yours. If you
have time, go back and reread the article, keeping other readers' comments in mind. It may be
startling to see something you missed or interpreted differently. Whether you agree or disagree
is not the point. What's important is to accept these observations as valid perceptions.
7. You cannot will yourself to stop judging and criticizing others, but you can stop and analyze it
when it occurs. Examine the foundation for not wanting to listen to a particular person or idea.
Which barriers are operating? Perhaps you adopted these responses from a TV personality, a
parent, or a mentor. If you trace it back to the source you may find it has no reasonable basis.
You may start laughing when you try to reason it out loud, "Well, my mother would never have
permitted me to talk about those things," or "It's not respectful to question my doctor's opinion
or ask for an explanation." The origins of our barriers are usually flimsy and out of context.
Other times, the basis for our reactions has more substance, but is still from another time and
place. For example, if an old boss with whom you had some difficult times in the past visits your
office to discuss a new project, notice how instantaneously those memories come back to haunt
you. You may find yourself prejudging what she is going to say and criticizing the time of her
visit. Tell yourself, "I see how I am thinking of those past experiences with Amy right now. I will
put them aside and listen openly to what she has to say. This time may be different." In this way
you take control of your barriers instead of letting them interfere with a potential opportunity for
growth or reconciliation.
8. At least once a day when you're listening to a co-worker relate a story, set aside your
evaluative self. Be a witness to his ideas. Notice how your barriers want to kick in and start
judging. When this happens, put your mind in neutral and simply observe.
9. As a way of re-examining some of the snap decisions and judgments we make during the day,
Zen Master Thich Nhat Hahn suggests copying the question, "Are you sure?" on a piece of paper
and taping it to a wall. Great opportunities are often lost to the snap-decision maker who failed to
open his mind to find the golden nugget of potential in an idea.
Mindful Listening
Zen Master Seung Sahn said it best in a poem: "If in this lifetime/You do not open your mind/You
cannot digest/Even one drop of water."
The best way I know to open the mind and clean house of the noise and barriers that
sabotage our capacity to listen is meditation. Zen means "meditation practice." There are several
different ways to meditate, but here I will describe Zen meditation, also known as zazen. I also
refer to meditation as breathing practice.
Meditation does not cause us to be dull, listless, or emotionally detached. On the contrary,
it unleashes positive physical and mental energy, held captive by stress and anxiety. It brings us
to a level of relaxed awareness, which is the first step in harnessing the destructive tendencies
of the barriers to listening.
After even a few weeks of meditation practice, you will find that your tendency to overreact
in the face of your barriers is less. If your spouse starts complaining about money, you'll be less
apt to shout back or use hurtful words. Instead of creating more negative energy you'll be able to
rechannel that energy in a more positive way -- talking through solutions, feelings, and other
needs that may be at the root of the complaint. If you make a mistake or a bad decision, you can
simply acknowledge it, learn what you can about it, resolve to avoid repeating it, and put it aside.
This more constructive use of energy stimulates personal growth. Dwelling ad nauseum on
mistakes and past experiences drains your energy and perpetuates low self-esteem.
Every person is born with a mental space, an inner area of the mind reserved for peaceful
contemplation. However, over time this space becomes like a closet where we've thrown
outworn clothes, warped records, and broken tools. We may want to hang something new and
beautiful there, but there's simply no more room.
The Zen masters promote meditation as a way of emptying the mind of clutter and
unproductive thoughts to make space for personal growth. As it pertains to listening, meditation
allows our minds to hear with less distortion new ideas and points of view. After a few weeks of
practice you will notice that you are less anxious when hearing ideas that differ from your point
of view. Your ability to concentrate is deeper and more enduring, and with anxiety under control,
you can better focus your attention on getting and retaining the message. Moreover, regular
meditation practice improves your attitude, the ability to deploy attention, and sets the stage for
mindful listening.
Meditation costs no money and is free of religious bias. It is simply the most natural way
to connect your new way of thinking with the way you listen. Calmness, an open mind, and
focused attention are the foundation for mindful listening. Here and in subsequent chapters I will
describe a few different ways to meditate. For some of you, this first step, as simple as it seems,
will be the greatest challenge to your commitment to become a better listener.
Here is a basic method I use for daily practice. I prefer to meditate for thirty to forty
minutes at a time, twice a day. When you are just starting out, ten minutes is fine. It is best to
practice daily, even for short periods. As you start to experience the benefits of meditation, you
may want to extend your meditation time. To avoid falling asleep during practice, do not meditate
right after eating. Therefore, early in the morning and before dinnertime are ideal.
Choose a quiet spot free of distractions. Sit in a solid but comfortable chair or get a
cushion for sitting cross-legged on the floor. A firm cushion called a zafu is traditionally used
during Zen meditation. As a meditation teacher once told me, "Sit up straight, dignified like a
tree, but with shoulders and arms soft at your side." Rest your hands on your thighs with palms
up or down. There are several hand positions. When I began meditating, I preferred to sit in a
half-lotus position with my hands on my knees, palms up. I liked to think that this position
inspired me to be more open-minded and receptive to different perspectives.
Begin your meditation by keeping your eyes slightly open and gaze down at a forty-fivedegree angle. You may keep your eyes closed, but you risk daydreaming and falling asleep.
Breathe in and out through your nose, deeply and slowly. Feel your breath move in and out of
your body. To check your pace, count slowly up to three seconds as you inhale and exhale for
three seconds or more. Do not hold your breath. Keep your mind's eye and ear on the breath.
Other thoughts will sneak in to your mind. You may start thinking about your grocery list, an
upcoming meeting, or a hundred other concerns. As soon as you notice these intrusions,
acknowledge their presence, let them pass, and get back to watching your breath. Do not
become impatient with yourself for straying from the focus on the breath, this happens to
everyone. Simply guide your focus back to the breath. If you find it difficult to stay focused at
first, try counting your breaths silently. Inhale on one, exhale on one; inhale on two, exhale on
two; and so on. When you get to ten, start over again at one. If you find yourself sneaking peeks
at your clock to check the time, set a timer with a gentle alarm or ask someone to softly knock on
the door to let you know it is time to stop. When you are finished with your practice, gradually
open your eyes completely and stay seated for a minute or two. Slowly stand up and continue
with your regular activities.
Another popular way to stay with the breath utilizes visual imagery. As you inhale slowly
through your nose, picture inhaling positive energy from a glowing star overhead. As you fill
your lungs with air, see this star filling your mind with goodwill and happy feelings. As you
exhale slowly, think of cleansing your mind and your body of the wasted energy that supports
petty jealousies, irrational biases toward others, and negative self-talk. Allow only goodwill and
self-confidence to remain.
Start to open your mind to your sangha, the community of people you come in contact
with every day. This helps to neutralize your barriers or bad feelings toward those to whom you
have the greatest difficulty listening. Toward the end of your meditation, as your breathing
becomes shallow, think of wishing your friends and family well. For the moment, let go of any
negative feelings between you and them. Go on to wish your coworkers and customers well.
Finally, think of the people you are uneasy with and wish them well too, in the spirit that we are
all members of a very large family put here to help each other.
Breathing practice or meditation can be more contemplative at times, particularly when we
are in conflict of some sort. These are the moments when we can begin to dissolve barriers. I
liken this process to a solid block of sandstone sitting in a pool of water. Slowly over time, that
block begins to break apart in chunks and ultimately particle by particle. Contemplative
meditation allows us to detoxify some of our most powerful negative emotions.
For example, if you have been working diligently on a project for a long time without
success and a friend, Max, experiences overnight success with something that took him only a
few days to put together, you may feel disappointment at first. The status barrier may make it
very hard to listen to him talk about his success. Then the negative self-talk barrier kicks in, and
from these two come resentment and jealously. During a contemplative meditation, you might go
back to the feelings of disappointment you felt when you heard the news: What is at the root of
my disappointment? Jealously over money? His better house? His fame? Are these the reasons I
started my project? Are these things necessities for me and my family? Would I really be happier
with those things? Why would I deny Max his success and happiness? If the tables were turned,
how would I want him to feel? Defeated? Cheated? Would that make me feel prouder of my
accomplishment? Is there any good that can come from Max's success? How can I learn from
his experience? If I never achieve success, will anything bad happen to me? Can I listen to Max
and other successful people any easier now?
In this way, meditation can transform your barriers into open doors to selftransformation, creativity, and wisdom. Negative emotions stemming from these barriers only
impede personal growth. Breaking down barriers can be an uncomfortable process, but a
process you must go through to become a better listener. As a Zen monk and coauthor of The
Monk and the Philosopher, Matthieu Ricard, said, "Actions are born from thoughts. Without
mastering your thoughts, you cannot master your actions."
Make a habit of several minutes of quiet meditation every day. To listen well, you have to
first settle down the internal noise. Think of your mind as a glassful of water and sand. Shake up
this container and notice how the mix of sand and water makes it difficult to see through. Let the
container sit for several minutes and watch how, as the sand settles to the bottom, the water
clears. This is essentially what happens in our bodies during breathing practice. After a few
sessions, you will emerge from your meditation feeling more mentally balanced. This settled
feeling state, free of internal clutter, is the ideal state for new learning. You will start to notice
this sense of relaxation extending to several minutes and eventually to hours. Your threshold for
becoming annoyed will increase. As you become more consistent in meditation practice, this
state of balance can be maintained for longer periods, enabling you to focus and listen better.
Contrary to meditation myths, this practice will not make you apathetic or indifferent, nor
will it alienate you from your environment and the people around you. It will, however, help you
to become detached from the excess emotional upheaval and interference generated by your
barriers.
Rebecca Shafir, "The Great Walls of Misunderstanding," (Ch. 4) The Zen of Listening: Mindful
Communication in the Age of Distraction , 2000, 2003