Working with a Single Parent Family: the Child as the Ticket-ofAdmission for Service
In this case, the setting is a community care team, with the single-parent mom,
age 32, coming for help in coping with her family of five children, aged 2 to 14. Kurt, the
10-year-old, is the "ticket of admission" for this family.
Record of Service: A Single-Parent Family
Client Description and Time Frame: The family includes Jane (mother) who is
32. She has three children from her first marriage (Judy, 14; Robert, 13; Kurt, 10)
and two from her second marriage (Arn, 5; and Bobby, 2). She has separated from
her second husband, Len.
Time period is from February 26th to April 4th
The agency is a community care team.
Description of the Problem:
Jane is a 32-year-old-woman, a single parent with five children. She is a
very reserved, dignified person who finds it difficult to ask for help, to open
herself up, and share her feelings. She came in identifying her problem as
depression. She also has difficulty managing her family and communicating well
with them. One child, Kurt, has become the IP [identified patient] and has been
acting out with attention-seeking behavior by stealing at school, setting fires, and
eventually breaking into homes and stealing. Jane needs help in dealing with her
own depression and in dealing with her family situation.
How the Problem Came to the Attention of the Worker(s):
During our first interview, Jane spoke of how difficult it was for her to
come to the team and ask for help. She only came when she was desperate and
felt there was no other way she could help herself. Jane had not been able to tell
any other person the problems she was having with being depressed and in
handling the children. Much of this seems to have to do with Jane being a single
parent and having to take care of the children by herself. After a few family
sessions, I discovered that the children, too, were responding in the same way as
Jane-keeping their feelings inside-except for Kurt, who overtly displays his
unacceptable behavior. I could see that they needed to learn how to express their
feelings and perhaps could help each other by learning how to do this together.
Jane and the children need to learn how to respond directly to each other as a way
to help their communication. The problems with Kurt brought the situation out
into the open, as Jane was not able to handle him or know how to respond to him.
Summary of Work (Note: Entries are not in chronological order.)
March 14
I gave Jane a chance to express some of her feelings to me which she finds
difficult to admit even to herself. I had a guess that Jane was not only feeling
depressed but also angry and was keeping this anger inside. This came out very
clearly when Kurt ran away one day when he was in trouble after setting a fire in
the school. Jane was very upset and kept saying how depressed she was over what
had happened. I reached into what she was saying and said, "I imagine this makes
you pretty angry too?" Jane said, "I do all I can and I get no thanks; I know they're
only children but they're all I have. (Silence) They are quite a burden to handle."
She cried a little. She began to say how angry she was that Kurt would do this to
her. "I have no life of my own; they're all I have." For Jane to be able to express
anger in this way was something new for her. After we had talked, she was able to
gain some control of herself and begin to organize some search parties to go out
and look for Kurt.
Jane also has a lot of angry feelings about having been abandoned by her
two husbands and also by her parents when she was a child. "I am sick of being
walked on by him. When we got married, I went out to work to help put him
through school and then he just dumped all of us. He just walked out. And now he
makes all these demands (to see the kids). Now we have to jump just 'cause he
says to. And I really resent it. I'm really bitter about it. It's not fair." Jane's first
expression of feelings to me were depression over having been abandoned by her
husband. She slowly was able to turn this expression of depression into an
expression of anger. Getting her to admit these feelings was a beginning step.
I began to help Jane try to understand some of the feelings the children
were having, especially Kurt. In the first excerpt [above] after Jane had a chance
to express some of her anger, I began to try to point out how badly Kurt must
have been feeling to run away. She said she knew how desperately he was asking
for help. I asked her to go over in detail what had happened in the family the night
before or earlier that morning. She told of how she had been awakened early by
Kurt and Arn fighting. Later, Arn told her Kurt had said, "I'm going to kill
myself." I pointed out to Jane how badly Kurt must have been feeling that
morning. I asked about school and what was going on there that could be
upsetting him. Jane suddenly remembered that today was report card day and that
the teacher had told him that if he didn't stop stealing (he had been stealing from
the class), he would get a bad report card. Jane began to tune into some of Kurt's
fears of getting a bad report card and how worried he probably was. She also
began to tell some of the reasons why Kurt is picked on by the other children and
isn't liked. Jane seemed to be more understanding of Kurt at that point and could
see a little why he was behaving like he did.
March 24
Helping Jane to tune into Kurt's feelings occurred a number of times. In
another instance when Kurt stole from the school and was suspended, Jane first
began expressing her own feelings of depression about what he had done. I asked
her how she thought Kurt was feeling and she said, "pretty badly." She told me
how he had confessed to her what he had done, had started crying, and wanted to
strangle him self. Because Jane was able to express this to me, she began to really
feel for him and tears rolled down her face. "I feel badly that he feels so bad." We
talked of how depressed Kurt is underneath and asking for help in his own way.
April 2
Another example occurred when Jane was telling me about her second
marriage to Len and how he wanted a child of his own. I began to question her
about how Kurt had felt at that time because he was the baby (5 years old). Jane
began to describe how hurt Kurt was over Len's rejection of him when their new
baby came. Len had wanted to put all three older children in a foster home to get
rid of them. I pointed out to Jane how this still must be an influence on Kurt today
and he probably has lots of feelings from what happened then. Through having
Jane discuss these three incidents in detail, she was able to understand some of
Kurt's feelings and begin to understand what the world is like from his eyes.
March 19
Through family sessions, we (the worker who leads the family sessions,
John, and I) were able to help Jane express some of her thoughts and feelings
directly to the children. This began to open up for the family a communication
pattern of talking directly to each other. An example of this occurred in our
second family session. Jane came in looking obviously upset. John asked her
about this and she said, "I'd rather not talk about it; it doesn't concern the kids."
John said, "the subject matter doesn't concern them; your upset concerns them."
John asked the kids how they feel when their mom gets upset. Kurt said,
"worried." The other kids agreed; they were curious. Jane said that if it was going
to upset them, then she would tell them. It had to do with her second husband
calling her that morning. After Jane put that out, we were able to deal with two
important issues: (1) the kids should know why she's upset so they don't think that
they're the cause of her depression, and (2) how the kids should respond to her
when she's depressed. Jane had been afraid to share her feelings with the children
but found that it helped them not be worried by doing so.
April 4
Another example of this occurred at our family session after Kurt had been
breaking into homes and stealing. John said, "Did you [Jane] and Kurt have a talk
last night?" Jane said, "A little. I thought it was better not to say too much. I didn't
know what to say to him." John said, "Do you have any idea today what you'd like
to say to him?" Jane said, "No, I don't know what to say to him; I'm at a loss."
John had to persuade her to try to think of what she should say. Jane finally turned
to Kurt directly and said, "I want to know why you did that." The conversation
didn't end up so well. Kurt cried, and Jane yelled at him unmercifully. A better
intervention here would have been to help her understand some of his feelings
first and then begin to have them talk directly. Because she came down so hard on
Kurt, we were not able to get him then to respond back to her.
We were able to point out the difficulties they were having in their
communications with each other. During the first family session, Bobby was
receiving a great deal of attention by crying, demanding his own way, and
generally disrupting the family session. I asked whether this occurs at home. The
kids all said that it did. Robert said that Bobby demanded a lot of time at home.
Judy said he was always getting into something, you had to pick it up, and he was
into something else. Kurt said that Bobby kept getting up at night and this kept his
mom up so she was tired during the day and didn't have time for anyone else. Jane
agreed with all this. Everyone decided to leave Bobby with a babysitter so that the
rest of the family could enjoy the family sessions.
March 27
At a later family session, John was able to point out some communication
problems the family seemed to be having. The boys were talking about the
neighborhood hockey game that they play. Arn said, "Can we have a hockey
game today, mom?" Robert jumped in with "no." Jane said, "You and Kurt have
things to do first." John said, "Does that mean that he can do it after?" Mom said
yes. John asked Arn if this is what he had understood it to mean, or that he
couldn't do it at all. Arn said that he thought he couldn't do it at all. John pointed
out that sometimes people mean one thing and other people can take another
meaning from it. The family seemed to think this happened quite often with them.
During this same family session, John was also able to point out how
Jane's anger was an obstacle to communication in the family sessions. John asked
the kids how they could get on the good side of their mom. They were answering
with some joking about what their mom liked and how they could win her over to
their side. Jane's face was very serious, and John asked what was happening with
her. Jane said, "I'm mad at these two" [to Arn and Kurt]. John said, "What brought
that on? Did you just get angry all of a sudden?" Jane said no. She had been angry
all day because she couldn't get the kids to do anything at home. John told her that
was a real shame because she had not been enjoying what had been happening
with the family. She had been missing out on that opportunity. We then were able
to talk about her anger and begin to help her deal with the source of the anger.
Often Jane's feelings are an obstacle in ways similar to this when she will not put
them out in the open and tries to hide them.
Later on in this session, John had asked the family to give things they
liked about the family as a way of ending the session. Kurt said to Jane, "Good
job," and patted her hand. Jane was silent. John asked her if she had heard Kurt
say that. She said, "I guess I didn't." Kurt said, "Yes, you did." Jane was silent
again. John pointed out to her that is the way people often respond when they hear
a compliment because they think the person is trying to flatter them. "But that's
the way you really see it, isn't it, Kurt?" said John. Kurt agreed. John told Jane
that "one way to keep a depression going is to not hear the good things. From
Kurt's point of view, you were doing a good job." One of Jane's obstacles to
improving communication in the family is her own unwillingness to hear the good
about herself. These obstacles to communication encourage denial and repression
of feelings instead of the open and honest communication the family needs to
function.
February 26
I tried to point out to Jane that the kids are concerned about her and that
they have a common concern for each other. During the first family session this
concern came out in a natural way, without my intervention. When we asked the
children why they were here, Kurt promptly replied, "Because my mom cares
what happens to the family." Later on in that session we were talking about what
it's like for the kids not to have a father in the home. Kurt replied that his mom is
twice as busy 'cause she has to be both mom and dad. Jane had a startled look
come over her face as she realized how deeply Kurt understood her feelings. At
the end, Jane said that she had appreciated what Kurt had to say as she had never
realized this herself. This was a beginning step in drawing Kurt and Jane together,
as she took his understanding of her as genuine concern.
March 19
In a later family session we had asked the kids to try to think of options of
what they could do to help their mom since she is so down. The suggestion was
offered that the three oldest go live somewhere else for awhile to give their mom
a break. Robert said, "If it will make her feel better, or if she'll recover by the time
we come back, then I wouldn't mind." The kids discussed this for awhile. Jane
said, "I wouldn't consider that as an option. I think that's all that's keeping me
going, to keep the kids together." John said, "I bet the kids were glad to hear that,
that they meant that much to their mom." Jane then said, "Well, maybe they'd
rather do that." John asked her what she heard them saying. She said [about
Robert] "that he wouldn't mind living somewhere else." John asked her what she
thought his preference was. She didn't know so he told her to ask him. Jane said,
"Do you want to go live somewhere else?" Robert said, "I wouldn't rather, but if
it's better for you, I would." John said that it sounded like he was really
considering her first, and would sacrifice for her if necessary. This began to show
Jane that the kids do care about her and she about them. The obstacle of her not
really listening (or not wanting to listen) is what hurts communication with the
children.
April 4
In a later family session, Kurt had been talking about how bad he felt for
not having a father. He had been crying and was expressing his deep hurt over
being rejected by his real dad and his step dad. John said, "It seems like you've
been shortchanged in the dad department and not had very good luck. And you,
Jane, you've been shortchanged in the husband department." In this way he was
trying to draw attention to the common ground between them-they've both been
shortchanged, and it's rough for them. The need that they have for each other and
the help that they can give each other is the message we tried to get through to
them. We gave Jane alternatives for dealing with the children when she asked for
help in knowing what to do.
In the first family session the kids described the things they miss with no
dad in their lives. The two older boys said that they missed having a dad to be
involved with them in sports. Jane said that she finds it difficult to work with the
boys. When I asked her to clarify this she said that she finds it overwhelming,
finds herself inadequate for sports, etc. This theme of concern was raised several
times, so I suggested that she try to find a "big brother" for each of the boys,
someone who would take a special interest in them and give them a little
attention. I told her that this was especially important for Kurt, whose behavior
indicated that he wanted more attention. Jane has never carried through with this
suggestion even though I tried to pin her down on it several times. It seems as
though this is "my" idea rather than hers.
April 25
As a result of pointing out and identifying feelings with Jane (her own and
Kurt's), she has been able to speak more directly with her children, especially
Kurt. Jane had been telling me how her second husband was trying to get custody
of the two youngest children. We had been discussing the legal details and
implications of this for about a half hour. I said to Jane, "It must be hard on you
having Bobby and Arn look like their dad. It must remind you of him." Jane said,
"Yes, I suppose that's why it's so hard to stop caring for someone. Arn and Bobby
are more special to me." I said, "Is that because they're Len's kids?" She said she
guessed so. I told her that was not an easy thing for her to be saying. I asked her if
she thought the other three children could sense how she felt. She said she didn't
know. Maybe they could. A week later Jane told me this: "I've asked Kurt what's
going on inside of him. I asked him if he thought I didn't love him or if he thought
I didn't love him as much as the other kids. And he said yes. I asked him how long
he felt like that, to see if it goes back a long ways to when Arn was born and Len
rejected him. He said a couple of months. I tried to explain to him that he has
friends that he likes more than others, or that he gets along with better. I said I
love you. It's taken me a long time to figure that all out 'cause I do love them all
the same but I get along much better with Robert, Arn, and Judy. For Kurt and I,
it's a real effort to get along." For Jane to speak this directly and openly with Kurt
is something new. It shows her concern, her realization of mistakes in the past,
and how she is trying now to share her feelings and thoughts with Kurt.
Current Status of the Problem:
Jane still appears depressed a good deal of the time, and she and the
family have only made beginning steps in their relationships together. It seems
that Jane is learning that it isn't easy to share feelings with another person but it
can be rewarding. This past week she was able to tell a friend all about the family
problems. That person became a real source of help to her. I pointed out that
because she had been willing to open up, this person then was able to help her.
Jane has also begun to get out of the house two afternoons a week while a
homemaker comes there. It seems that as she begins to develop a life outside of
her children that it will help lift some of her depression and give her more quality
time when she is home. She and Kurt still have difficulty in getting along with
each other, but they have made a few positive steps in trying to understand each
other.
Specific Next Steps:

Explore the common area mother and children share in not having a
husband or father. Probably this is one of the areas that is most difficult
for them to express their feelings about.

Help the family begin to support each other as they express feelings. Jane
especially needs to learn how to listen and support the kids as they open
up to her.

Support Jane in her efforts to develop her "own life" away from the
children. Help Jane to structure her limited free time away from the home
so that she is able to accomplish some of her personal goals.

Point out to Jane the pattern of response that she has with the children.

Deal with ending and who will continue work with Jane.
The workers in this excerpt were trying to have an impact on the maladaptive
ways this family used to deal with pain. The losses associated with the marital breakups
were artfully described when the worker pointed out that the kids were "shortchanged in
the dad department," just as their mother was "shortchanged in the husband department."
It is crucial for the single parent to come to grips with his or her own losses and pain, and
to find sources of support, if the parent is to be able to face the pain of the children.
Often, guilt over the marital breakups cuts the parent off from the underlying message of
hurt sent by the children. By breaking the cycle and helping to teach family members
how to be more open, honest, and supportive of each other, the workers may help release
the family's inherent capacity to provide mutual support.