The Journey
Week of 09.18.11
Hedges: Dating = Loving Your Neighbor as Yourself
by Michael Maybee
The idea that dating is one expression of Jesus’ command to “Love your neighbor as yourself”
certainly shines a new light on dating relationships, don’t you think? And it was very helpful for
Dan to remind me that I can grow my marriage of 22 years by “dating” my wife. So let’s explore
that command of “love your neighbor as yourself” more fully.
Let’s begin with what that statement is and is not. Contrary to what some believe, the “…as
yourself” part is not a command. It is an assumption; a statement of fact. Jesus starts from the
knowledge that self-love is a God created trait of the human animal. Every human has a strong
desire for self-preservation and self-fulfillment. We have a built in desire for such tangible things
as food, clothing, and shelter. God also gave us a natural desire for less tangible things like,
safety, security, and acceptance. We naturally seek pleasure instead of pain; acceptance
versus rejection; significance instead of meaninglessness. Jesus knows as only He can that
self-love comes naturally to us all.
So staying with the dating and marriage context of our discussion, to love your neighbor as
yourself is to want all the same things we naturally want for ourselves for those we care about.
But that starts to sound a little threatening because that means there may be less for us, right?
If we put others’ joy, satisfaction, fulfillment, significance, and security on equal footing with our
own, won’t there be less of those things for us? True, but only if we make others our sole source
of those essential needs. That is why we must back up just a little in the Scripture to where
Jesus states that the commandment of first importance is to “Love the Lord your God with all
your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”
Jesus is telling us to take all our longings for joy, satisfaction, fulfillment, significance, and
security first and foremost to God. Then when He has satisfied our hearts, souls, and minds we
can overflow with those good things and want to share them with others. Only when we meet
the first commandment of loving God can we begin to meet the second of loving our friends, our
dates, our spouses, etc. — our neighbors — as ourselves.
So it’s easy and simple, right? Just love God and then loving others is a walk in the park? No I
am not saying that. Loving God does not remove all emotional risk from loving others, nor does
it instantly clarify what is good for those others. Loving God does not eliminate all the competing
claims upon the time we wish we could lavish on them. Loving God does not instantly remove
the hard choices about what to allow inside our “hedges” and what to keep out. But in first loving
God, we will find all we need to fulfill that second commandment of loving others as we love
ourselves.
"…loving God sustains us through all the joy and pain and perplexity and
uncertainty of what loving our neighbor should be."
~John Piper
(You are encouraged to use the SOAP – Scripture, Observation, Application and Prayer Method for a guide.
Click here to read more about developing your devotional life. Click here for an example SOAP journal entry.
If you don’t own a Bible, pick up "The Story of God" Bible available for free at the Welcome Center in our
atrium.)
monday, 9.19
Read: Romans 12:1-3; Matthew 22:34-40
Personal: how does defining dating as “loving your neighbor as yourself” change the way you
think about it?
tuesday, 9.20
Read: Genesis 29:1-30
Study: You might describe Jacob as a ‘Druggie Dater’ – he was so blinded by his love for Rachel
that he literally got swindled. For a great treatment and insight into this passage, check out
“Counterfeit Gods” by Timothy Keller (Chapter 2: Love is NOT All You Need).
Personal: Of the list described in Sunday’s sermon, what kind of dater can you tend to be
(single OR married)?
wednesday, 9.21
Read: Ruth
Study: What characteristics do you admire about Ruth and Boaz in their ‘dating’ relationship?
(Note: for insight into the customs of this day, check out Matthew Henry’s commentary on
Ruth.)
Personal: What’s one thing you can learn from Ruth you can apply to how you practice
respect & boundaries in your relationships (dating or otherwise)?
thursday, 9.22
Read: Galatians 6, Proverbs 4:23, Luke 6:43-45
Personal: What boundaries (or hedges) do you need to build? Which ones are working for
you?
Friday - Sunday, 9.23 – 9.25
Read: Song of Solomon
Personal: What is inspiring about reading this book of love songs? What’s painful?
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grow (resources to help you in your study)
 Sunday’s Sermon: Click here for podcast, or video
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book: Boundaries in Dating by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
book: Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
book: Hedges – Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It by Jerry B. Jenkins
click here for more resources – this will link you back to the journey’s main page.
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