Rabbi David Lerner
January 2013/ Tevet 5773
Outline for
‘Jewish Approach to Dying, Death, Consoling, Mourning, and Remembering’
by Beth Levine & Kathy Macdonald
Sources: The Measure of Mourning: A Guide for the Bereaved, Temple Emunah, 2003
A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort by Dr. Ron Wolfson, 1996
USCJ Guide to Jewish Funeral Practices
The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning by Maurice Lamm, 1969,2000
Page or Addendum
in ‘Measure of Mourning’
‘Appendix’ follows outline
1. Dying
Contact Rabbi (and/or) Executive Director
Appendix 1
Mi Shebeirakh
What is it? When is it recited at T.E.? How to arrange for one? How long name stays
on list? Removal from list?
Hineini Committee - what it provides (if requested):
Meals; rides to medical appointments
Burial Plot – Beit Olam, our cemetery in Wayland and interfaith burial for K’rovei
Yisrael
Contact Funeral Home
Organ donation – this is a mitzvah! Issues around K’vod Hameit
p. 10
End of life decisions
Suicide, assisted suicide, withholding and removal of life support
Viddui (Dying confessional) - visits from rabbis
Appendix 2
Staying with the dying – what to do right after death?
p. 9
2. Death
Notify Rabbi or Executive Director
Appendix 1
Contact Funeral Home
Choosing a casket (Aron)
p. 11 & 18
Death notice, obituary, donations (funeral director)
p. 18
What is death?
What to say to children,i.e., “Where did Grandpa go?”
Autopsy
p. 15
Onen (Bereaved person)
Appendix 3
Who is an Onen? What should onen do and not do
Who is a mourner? Immediate mourners and other mourners
p. 23
Obligation of children under age 13
p. 24
Participation of children
Hevra Kadisha – What is it? Our new Boston Community Hevre Kadisha
Burial preparation (tohorah)
p. 9 & 17
Watching the dead (shomer/shomrim)
p. 9 & 17
What kind of clothing (takhrihin or shroud)
p. 17
What should go in casket? What additional items are allowed? What not allowed?
Page 1
Embalming
Cremation
Public viewing / private viewing
Death of newborn/ stillborn
Burial of a limb
What is law regarding tattoos and Jewish burial?
What is law regarding suicide and Jewish burial?
3. Mourning (History and Variation of Practices)
3.1 Funeral Service – Levayah (to accompany or to escort)
When and where is the funeral held?
What to wear? As a mourner / other
Children at funerals
Flowers and Music
Sign-in Guest book (funeral chapel or graveside)
K’ri’ah (ribbon vs. clothing; how long to wear?)
For a parent, K’ri’ah is on the left side, close to the heart. For all others, K’ri’ah is on
the right. History and importance of using some real clothing
Psalm 23
El Malei Rahamim (memorial prayer)
Participation of non-Jews in funeral service
Eulogy (who speaks?)
Pallbearers
Kohein and funerals
Police escort
3.2 Burial
When is burial?
The Processional
Pause during processional
Burial below or above (mausoleum) ground?
Lower coffin
Hesed Shel Emet (True act of love)
Cover with earth (1st Shovelful held backwards and not passing the shovel)
Burial Kaddish
How does it differ from other versions of the Kaddish?
Who recites burial Kaddish?
Double-Aisle for mourners
Burial of a non-Jew within a Jewish context
When is this appropriate? Where? By whom?
What is the service like?
3.3 Shiva - At the Shiva house/ House of Mourning (Bet Avilut)
Role of Bereavement Committee
Stay in house during funeral/ burial
Set up paper goods / make coffee / water outside
Put out the meal (take delivery of or already in house)
Water outside to wash hands
Cover mirrors and light 7 Day shiva candle (Memorial Candle)
Seudat havra’ah, Meal of Consolation
Who prepares it? Who should attend?
Page 2
p. 17
Appendix 4
p. 10 & 17
Appendix 4a
Appendix 5
Appendix 11
p.17
p. 20 & 27
p. 20
Addendum
p. 20
Appendix 19
p. 20
Appendix 12
Appendix 13
p. 18
p. 20
Appendix 14
p. 20
Addendum
Appendix 20
p. 21
p. 23-24
p. 21
Include hard-boiled eggs
Offer to ‘make a plate’ for the mourner(s)
It’s not a party (no alcohol)
Customs for mourners during Shiva
Mourners need not act as host(ess); Let friends serve light snack
Low seats; No leather shoes
Refrain from transacting business
Refrain from cutting hair and shaving
Shiva minyan service
How does it differ from weekday service
When services are not held at shiva home
Holiday (Hag) during shiva
Days of consolation in lieu of Shiva
Visiting the Shiva house (Bet Avilut)
What to bring (no gifts, flowers or alcohol; what kind of food is appropriate?)
What to wear? as a mourner / as a guest
How long to stay & hours
What to say
How to help friend who has a loss?
Help with shiva preparations re: clean house, shopping, set up, assist with set-up &
clean-up of Meal of Consolation
Prepare meals for shiva week
Attend the shiva minyanim
Send a note of condolence
Be a listener
Make a donation in memoriam
Shiva by Jew-by-Choice for non-Jewish relative
Jews mourning non-Jews
Non-Jews mourning Jews
Shabbat during Shiva – Attend synagogue service
Welcome mourner during Friday night service
No torn garment or black ribbon on Shabbat
Attend Kiddush?
Information included in Temple Emunah Bereavement letter, i.e. dates of mourning
milestones
3.4 After Shiva
How long does mourner recite Mourner’s Kaddish?
For parent? For other relationships?
Shloshim- 30 days
Customs & prohibitions
11 months of Kaddish
12 months of mourning - Customs & prohibitions
Sit in a different seat during religious services in Temple
Acknowledgement notes from mourners
4. Remembering
Yizkor
Yahrzeit
Page 3
p. 24
p. 24
p. 24
Appendix 7
p. 27
p. 26-27
p. 19 & 25
Addendum
Appendix 16
Appendix 15
p. 27 &
Appendix 8
p. 27
p. 28 &
Appendix 10
p. 28 &
Aliyah & El Malei Rahamim (memorial prayer)
Gravestone
Unveiling – customs and prohibitions
Visiting the grave? Customs, i.e., rocks on gravestone
Ways of honoring the deceased (donations, plaques, visiting grave, Torah study)
Appendix 10
Appendix 17
p. 28
Appendix 18
Appendix
1. Information to provide to Temple Emunah
Name of deceased
Name of mourner
Address
Phone number
Contact person
Phone number
Relationship of deceased to mourner
Date of death
Time of death
Location of death (city)
Location of cemetery
Date/time of funeral
Funeral Home
Shiva: where/when/time
2. Viddui The deathbed confessional, known as the Viddui (confession), is less well known (than the High
Holy Day confessional), except to rabbis who may or may not ask the terminally ill to recite it or, if the
patient is too sick, may offer to say it themselves on the person’s behalf. …..Short version:
“I acknowledge before You, my God and God of my ancestors, that my recovery and my death are in
Your hands. May it be Your will to heal me completely, but if I should die, may my death be an
atonement for all sins that I have committed. Hear O Israel: Adonai is Our God, Adonai is One.” (A Time
to Mourn, A Time to Comfort by Dr. Ron Wolfson p.50)
3. Onen (Bereaved person) - Between the time of death and the funeral, an immediate family member of
the deceased is called an onen. The onen is exempt from the performance of all affirmative religious
obligations, such as reciting the three daily services or putting on tefillin during aninut. At this time the
onen is forbidden to drink wine, eat meat or indulge in luxuries. If aninut should occur on a Shabbat or a
festival, the onen is permitted to eat meat and drink wine and is obligated to fulfill all mitzvot except
sexual obligations with a spouse. The reason for these proscriptions is twofold. First is the principle that
the bereaved is obligated to attend to the needs of the deceased. There should be nothing to distract
someone from these obligations. Second, it is considered a breach of K'vod Hameit to do anything but
attend to the deceased. Hence, a mourner is not required to perform religious obligations. The exemption
need not apply when organized groups or commercial firms take care of burial needs, and the participation
of the family is minimal. The solace and comfort derived from prayer and the performance of mitzvot
would suggest that we should encourage such observances. The laws of aninut, as well as all the laws of
mourning, apply to the seven specific relatives: spouse, father and mother, son and daughter, brother and
sister. (USCJ Guide to Jewish Funeral Practices 4.8)
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4. Cremation - Cremation is against Jewish tradition and the family of the deceased should be informed
of this, even if the deceased has made this request. Should a body be cremated, the ashes should be
interred in a Jewish cemetery. Temple Emunah does not permit this practice. (USCJ Guide to Jewish
Funeral Practices 4.3)
4a. The blood and limbs of an individual are considered by Jewish Law to be part of the human being. As
such, they require burial. If the deceased was found with severed limbs, or with bloodstained clothes,
both the limbs and clothes must be buried with him. If limbs were amputated during one’s lifetime, they
require burial in the person’s future gravesite. If he does not own a plot as of yet, or if he is squeamish in
this regard, they should be buried in a separate plot, preferably near the graves of members of his family.
The limbs are cleansed and placed in the earth. No observance of mourning is necessary. (The Jewish
Way in Death and Mourning by Maurice Lamm, p.57)
5. Suicide - A suicide considered to be the result of mental illness does not disqualify a Jew from burial in
a Jewish cemetery. Based upon the rabbi's knowledge of an individual who has committed suicide, the
rabbi determines if burying the individual in a Jewish cemetery is appropriate. (USCJ Guide to Jewish
Funeral Practices 7:10)
6. Shiva is the seven-day mourning period beginning immediately after the burial. Mourners remain in
their homes, except to attend Shabbat services, and refrain from cutting their hair, as well as most
pleasurable activities. A seven-day memorial candle remains lit in the home as a reminder of the soul of
the departed, which our tradition likens to the light of God. Weekday services are often held in the home
so that the mourner may say Kaddish. Alternatively, the mourner may go to the synagogue to join a
minyan. Shiva is suspended during Shabbat and ends with the commencement of communal festivals. The
torn garment is removed on Shabbat.
7. Holiday (Hag) during shiva: If the major holidays of Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Passover,
Shavuot, and Sukkot come during the seven days, the shiva is cancelled (for the remainder of the seven
days)……If someone dies on the first day of a major festival, the funeral takes place on the morning after
the yom tov is over i.e., during hol hamoed), but the shiva does not begin until after the entire festival is
over. (A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort by Dr. Ron Wolfson p.168)
8. Shloshim refers to the thirty days following the burial. During this period, after shiva has ended,
mourners are encouraged to return to their normal routines as much as possible, although some continue to
wear the torn garment, and to refrain from cutting their hair until the end of shloshim. Mourners continue
to say Kaddish until the end of shloshim. Upon the loss of a sibling, spouse, or child, the conclusion of
shloshim is the end of the official period of mourning. Upon the loss of a parent, the laws of shloshim,
including the recitation of Kaddish, apply for eleven months.
9. Yahrzeit is the Hebrew anniversary of the death. It is customary to light a yahrzeit candle in the home at
sundown, and to say Kaddish at synagogue services. The Yahrzeit date, like all Hebrew days, begins at
sundown on the evening before the secular date and ends at sundown, except on Shabbat when it ends
when Shabbat concludes.
10. Yizkor is the memorial service that is recited four times a year: Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret, eighth
day of Pesah, and the second day of Shavuot. This service is an opportunity to honor and remember those
who have died. It is also customary to light a yahrzeit candle prior to sunset on the evening before the
aforementioned days.
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11. Where is the funeral held?
The place varies according the custom of the local community. Here are the options:
1. The home. It is possible to have the service in a home, but this is not done today.
2. A funeral home. Many communities have a Jewish funeral home that houses the mortuary and a
chapel for services.
3. A synagogue. In some communities, the service begins in the synagogue sanctuary or chapel, and
then proceeds to the cemetery. Traditionally, this was reserved for the leader (s) of the community.
4. The cemetery. In the larger Jewish communities, the cemetery will usually have a chapel for services
on site.
5. At graveside. ….season and likely weather should be taken into consideration when choosing this
option. Often, the cemetery will have some tenting for the immediate family, but not always enough for
the entire funeral party.
(A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort by Dr. Ron Wolfson p.136)
12. Pause at cemetery. The coffin is carried by hand or guided on a special gurney to the gravesite by the
pallbearers who, traditionally, pause several (usually seven) times before reaching the grave. This
indicates our unwillingness to finally take leave of the loved one. (A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort
by Dr. Ron Wolfson p.137)
13. Mausoleums. The tradition of burying the dead in the earth is so strong within Judaism that the very
idea of storing the body above ground is forbidden. ….Within some traditional communities, the idea of
an above-ground interment is so abhorrent that most rabbis would simply ignore the request or refuse to
participate in such a ceremony. Temple Emunah does not permit this practice. (A Time to Mourn, A Time
to Comfort by Dr. Ron Wolfson p.97)
14. The Kaddish. One of the most famous prayers in all of Jewish liturgy, the Kaddish is a magnificent
statement of faith in God. Even if the words are not understood, nearly every Jew knows its rhythms and
responses.
Originally, the Kaddish had nothing to do with mourners. Its five different variations are used to
divide major sections of prayers and to conclude the services. It is not even written in Hebrew. Except
for the last line, the prayer is written in Aramaic, the vernacular language spoken by Jews from the time of
Ezra in the fifth century B.C.E. through the time of the rabbis of the Talmud.
“Kaddish” literally means “sanctified.” It is related to the Hebrew term kadosh, meaning “holy”
or “special.” There is no mention of death in the prayer. Rather, it praises God. At the moment of the
supreme test of our beliefs, the tradition asks us to stand and proclaim our faith in God and our hope for
shlaimoot—“completion”—in a world that now feels terribly broken.
The Kaddish is said in the context of community. Traditionally, a minyan (quorum) of ten is
required to recite Kaddish. In most Conservative synagogues, only the mourners stand during Kaddish.
This identifies their special status within the community. (A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort by Dr.
Ron Wolfson p.141)
15. How long does one recite Kaddish? Kaddish is the prayer recited daily by mourners. The Talmud
suggests that the memory of the dead remains fresh for twelve months (Babylonian Talmud Tractate
Berakhot 58b). However, twelve months was also regarded as the maximum period of punishment one
might experience in the heavenly courts, and only the most wicked are thought to be judged in this way
for a full year. Therefore, as an expression of regard for parents and their worthiness in judgment, the
period of saying Kaddish is eleven months, although the period of aveilut, or mourning, continues for a
full year. Those mourning upon the loss of a sibling, spouse, or child may choose to say Kaddish for an
eleven month period, even though their traditional obligation concludes after thirty days. Many mourners
Page 6
who recite Kaddish daily for eleven months, continue to come to minyan every day during the twelfth
month without saying the Kaddish.
16. Shabbat. Since the celebration of Shabbat is joyous, mourners remove any public signs of mourning,
such as the torn garment…….. At the Kabbalat Shabbat (receiving the Sabbath) service in the synagogue
on Friday night, mourners are greeted by the community at the conclusion of the L’kha Dodi hymn. The
rabbi announces the death….Then the congregation expresses its condolences to the mourners by reciting
the formula for comfort…..”Ha-Makom y’nahem etkhem b’tokh sh’ar aveilei Tzion vi’rushalayim” –
“May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” …..Mourners attend services
Friday night, Saturday morning and Saturday afternoon/evening, resuming shiva on Saturday night after
the Havdalah service concluding Shabbat. (A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort by Dr. Ron Wolfson
p.174)
17. Tombstone. There is a variety of practices concerning inscriptions, though the tendency emphasizes
simplicity. The Hebrew and English names of the dead, dates of birth and death, and certain Hebrew
letters are generally included. These letters are the initials of the words in the phrase tehei
nishmato/nishmatah tzereurah b’tzror hahayim. “May his/her soul be bound up in the bond of life.” While
the formal unveiling of a tombstone is of significance to the family and friends, Jewish tradition has not
emphasized it as a basic ceremony. Care should be taken to avoid the extremes of either another funeral or
a festive reunion, at the cemetery or at home. Often, a Rabbi or Cantor conducts a brief service at the
gravesite. Families can offer their own service and recite appropriate prayers and psalms. These are
available from the rabbi. Temple Emunah has its own booklet for an unveiling and copies are available for
use. (A Time of Sorrow by Congregation Shaarey Zedek, Detroit,MI)
18. Rocks on Gravestones: Unlike people from other religions, Jews do not typically place flowers at
gravesites. Instead, they often place stones on the grave or tombstone. The origin of the custom is
uncertain, though it may relate to ancient times when a pile of stones was used as a marker. The most
common explanation is that placing stones is a symbolic act that indicates someone has come to visit and
the deceased has not been forgotten. The stone is also a reference to God, the Rock.
19. Kohein and funerals? Those Jew who trace their ancestry back to Aaron, the first Jewish priest
(Kohein), brother of Moses, traditionally did not come into contact with any dead body. ……..To this day
in traditional practice, some kohanim do not enter a funeral home or a cemetery in order to avoid being in
proximity to the dead. Of course, exceptions are made when the kohen must bury on of the seven
immediate relatives. In our community, this is not regularly practiced. (from A Time to Mourn, A Time to
Comfort by Dr. Ron Wolfson p.152)
20. What does the Temple Emunah Bereavement Committee provide
Monthly chair arranges for 1) Housesitter
2) minyan leader and prayer books to come to house
(does not get or order food; does not provide the ten people for minyan)
Housesitter: Arrives before family leaves house
Accepts delivery of platters
Puts food on table for meal of consolation
Puts water pitcher, paper towels, trash receptacle on front step
Turns on coffee maker
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