Benedict Potter
In Pursuit Of Happiness
Synopsis
Four university friends meet up after years apart at the funeral of fifth. After re-exploring
the free joy and humour that previously bound them so closely, they begin to realise that
the dynamic of the group isn't quite the same without their deceased fifth member.
A play about friendship, love, lust, greed, hate, lies, and a delayed coming of age
experienced by young people in the 21st century.
LIST OF CHARACTERS
BARMAN – works in the hotel.
JESSICA – Friend of Edwin. extremely well spoken, tall, dark haired, well dressed,
glamorous.
TREVOR – Friend of Edwin. Scottish (refined Morningside accent), smartly dressed.
MARGARET – Friend of Edwin. Shorter and fairer than Jessica.
ALAN – Friend of Edwin. Taller than Trevor. Alcoholic.
PRIEST – elderly, but not frail, eccentric in appearance and mannerisms.
MR CLEETHORPES – Edwin’s father. Overweight, imposing, intimidating, loud.
1
ACT I SCENE I
Scene: A hotel lobby. There are large comfortable chairs set out and a bar to the right.
There are two sofas in the room, one on either side of the stage. It is raining outside.
BARMAN is behind the bar whistling whilst he dries a glass.
Enter JESSICA shaking off her umbrella.
JESSICA: Goodness me. What weather!
BARMAN: Good evening madam, are you with the Cleethorpes party?
JESSICA: Well yes I am. How could you possibly know that?
BARMAN: You’re the hotel’s only guests madam. It seems Mr Cleethorpes rented the
entire hotel just for your party.
JESSICA: laughs Yes that sounds like Edwin alright, more money then sense.
BARMAN: Shall I have your bags taken up madam?
JESSICA: No, no don’t bother with any of that. slumps in one of the chairs But you can
pour me a nice glass of sherry if you don’t mind.
BARMAN: Jerez alright madam?
JESSICA: Perfect.
He pours and brings the drink over to her then returns to the bar.
2
JESSICA: Did you know Edwin?
BARMAN: Everybody knew Mr Cleethorpes Madam, even people who had only spoken
to him once or twice knew him. I’m not at all sure he knew me – though he did always
remember my name. I always got the feeling that he regarded me with friendliness, but
only in the way he regarded everyone he ever met as a friend.
JESSICA lights a cigarette
JESSICA: Yes that’s quite true. He really did find something in everybody to like. It’s a
trait that’s annoying in most people. That sort of stubborn unwillingness to dislike
anybody is usually the substitute for a proper personality. It’s the weapon which the
obsessively chirpy use to make us feel bad that we can’t stand most of our friends. Not in
Edwin though, he really was something special. He actually did see every bit of
brightness and goodness in everyone. He didn’t even try and look for it, he just saw it.
BARMAN: Indeed he was the most generous of men. He took great joy in giving all the
staff here extremely large tips. One day he came here for Christmas Dinner, drank a half
bottle of wine and left two hundred pounds.
JESSICA: I say that must have been a very happy Christmas for you and your family.
BARMAN: Not really madam, I wasn’t working. However, that does not alter Mr
Cleethorpes generosity.
JESSICA: Yes. He was so generous, especially for a Jew. BARMAN appears taken aback
I’m so sorry, please don’t think me an awful bigot, but one can’t fight one’s genes.
3
BARMAN: That’s quite alright madam, in this profession it’s prudent to treat everyone
with equal respect, so please be as candid as you wish. There aren’t many things that can
be said to a barman he hasn’t already heard. After all, we live in a modern society and
must be tolerant of everyone’s views. A good barman has no preference if you are black,
Jewish, homosexual or even racist. As a matter of fact some of my best friends are
racists. But if you’ll pardon me for saying so madam, I was under the impression that Mr
Cleethorpes was a Roman Catholic.
JESSICA: His mother married out. His father is the Papist. Edwin was hardly the most
devout person one has ever met.
BARMAN: If my memory serves me madam, he did attend mass regularly.
JESSICA: Yes he did enjoy mass JESSICA pronounces mass to rhyme with farce, he said
only the Catholics gave one a chance to have a glass of wine and then brag about your
conquests in confession whilst still being able to worship the Lord.
BARMAN: I’m sure the good Lord appreciates Mr Cleethorpes rye wit.
JESSICA: Yes I’m sure he does. I suppose our loss is his gain. I do miss him terribly. She
walks over and sits on a bar stool That’s silly to say really, I haven’t even tried to make
any contact in years, yet as soon as he’s gone I miss him so badly.
BARMAN: You were old friends then madam?
JESSICA: We were at university together. We were the Famous Five. Everyone knew us
and everyone envied us. It was so rare not to see the five of us all together. Lectures,
library, cafes, bars, parks, shops, clubs. Everywhere. If one of us was ever ill and there
were only four of us wandering round campus people would come up and ask what had
happened. I think they were hoping that someone had lost favour. Everyone wanted to
4
join our group, but it was a select circle. The envy of the university. Of course we never
allowed anyone to join. It wasn’t a rule we had, not even an unspoken law. It was just the
way things were. It almost felt like we were following someone else’s rules rather then
creating our own. That’s not to say we didn’t have other friends. Being in that group
meant we all had friends aplenty. We were invited to every party and asked out first at
every ball. Everyone wanted to either be us or be with us. Leans in and whispers I was
once seeing a boy who used to cry when we made love, he said he couldn’t believe how
lucky he was to be with one of us. He didn’t last long laughs and lights a cigarette not
that it mattered, there were dozens more where he came from. An endless supply of
worshippers. Even for Margaret and Trevor.
BARMAN: Miss Harley and Mr Mcleish?
JESSICA: Yes. Are they here yet?
BARMAN: You’re the first of the party to arrive madam.
JESSICA: Good Lord how embarrassing. I have broken my New Year’s resolution
already, and I really thought I would keep this one. Anyway where was I?
BARMAN: Miss Harley and Mr Mcleish.
JESSICA: Oh yes! Well even they managed to ensnare a host of admirers. I feel awful
saying this, but you’ll be surprised when you meet them. I know it’s easy enough to
imagine Edwin and I being in the most popular group of our peers, but Trevor is so very
dour, so serious. Brilliant mind of course, he’s one of the most promising young lawyers
in Scotland, and so very gentlemanly. Margaret’s similar in a way, she’s means so well,
she’s so kind. Earnest is the best way to describe her. I’d never had friends like either of
them before. It was Edwin who chose us all, who brought us all together. To this day I
5
can’t work out what he saw in the four of us that would make a dynamic group. But there
we were, The Famous Five!
BARMAN: They sound like most joyous days madam.
JESSICA: Oh they were. Marriage and motherhood is all well and good, but I wouldn’t
swap those memories for anything in the world.
TREVOR enters shaking off his umbrella
JESSICA: Trevor! She runs over and embraces him My goodness, you look so
handsome. What happened to the glasses and the belly?
TREVOR: It’s amazing the effect a good woman can have. It’s probably why I was such
state the whole time we were friends.
JESSICA: she slaps his chest and smiles Don’t be such a rotter. Well whatever that wife
of yours has done to you it’s all for the better.
TREVOR: Best thing I ever did. It looks like it agrees with you too Jess, you look every
bit as stunning as you always did.
They are constantly making eyes at each other and periodically touch one another’s arm.
JESSICA ushers him over to the bar stools. TREVOR removes his overcoat and gives it to
BARMAN who hangs it. They both sit.
BARMAN: Can I get you a drink sir?
TREVOR: Yes….
6
JESSICA: Interrupting He will have a glass of Oban, no ice.
TREVOR: And she will have sherry and it won’t be her first I’ll wager, unless some HeMan has actually made an honest woman of her.
BARMAN busies himself with the drinks.
JESSICA: You know full well how honest I am! I just lack restraint, remorse, piety or
loyalty. Honesty however is one of my very few virtues.
TREVOR: Beauty, intelligence, mystery, lust for life, lust for lust. I think you’re selling
yourself a wee bit short at just honesty. She flicks her hair But that’s the last time I let
you fish for compliments this week.
JESSICA: Oh don’t be awful to me.
TREVOR: Men only have a limited number of compliments to give out; especially
Scotsmen. And especially Scots lawyers! You’ve just used up more compliments then my
wife gets in a month.
JESSICA: I’m sure she gets more then that.
TREVOR: Yes you’re probably right, but not from me she doesn’t.
JESSICA: You’re being awful again.
TREVOR: I’m really not. She knew what I was like when she married me. If I suddenly
started to compliment her willy nilly then she’d probably suspect me of having an affair.
Thus for the sake of my marriage and future generations of Mcleishes its best just to spot
when she’s had her hair cut, tell her she looks good if she asks, and say I love you on our
anniversary. Anything more would be an admission of guilt.
7
JESSICA: Well I still say you’re being awful. Thomas is always fawning over me telling
me how gorgeous I am.
TREVOR: And does that keep you faithful and loving?
JESSICA: Long Pause. She smiles then turns to the BARMAN. Let’s have another drink.
BARMAN pours.
TREVOR: Are you happy?
JESSICA: I’ve got three beautiful daughters and a husband who loves me.
TREVOR: Don’t you find that when people are truly happy they can’t stop talking about
what makes them so. And when people aren’t happy they will talk about anything but the
reason why they aren’t.
JESSICA: I’m not sure I like what you’re getting at. You don’t know anything about my
life.
TREVOR: True maybe, but I know you. It may have been eight long years. Eight long
hard years away from you, but I can read you in a way your husband obviously cannot.
JESSICA: Stop it.
TREVOR: And I know you so well that I know you don’t really want me to stop it. When
you want someone to stop what they’re saying you target them. You pray on their
insecurities and weaknesses; I’ve seen you do it a thousand times.
JESSICA: No more convincingly I said stop it.
TREVOR: There’s one thing that I never dreamed you would ever be Jess, and that’s
unhappy. And to anyone who knows you it’s practically tattooed on your forehead.
JESSICA: I can’t do this now Trevor.
8
TREVOR: Leaning very close I could make you happy. Touches her hand Come to my
room later.
MARGARET enters. She’s soaked through. TREVOR quickly jumps up from his stool and
awkwardly and obviously repositions himself so that he’s feigning nonchalance propped
with is elbow against the bar.
JESSICA: Goodness me, Margaret! She goes over and kisses her on both cheeks You are
absolutely drenched woman.
MARGARET: laughs Yes I know, such a big div forgetting my brolly. Look at you! I
don’t believe you’ve had three children for a second, you look absolutely ravishing. I’ve
been dreading having to stand next to you all week, people are going to think I’m your
mother. And who is this Adonis who’s stolen my old friends face?
TREVOR: Hello Margaret
He walks towards her and holds out his hand. She totally ignores it and instead hugs him
tightly for several seconds totally soaking his suit through.
MARGERET: Oh Trevor, it’s so wonderful to see you.
She releases him. He holds his arms out wide in front of him and shakes off the wet.
MARGARET: Goodness you both look so well.
9
BARMAN comes over and takes her coat.
MARGARET: to BARMAN Gin and tonic please.
BARMAN goes to fix her drink and hang up the coat. MARGARET takes a seat in one of
the large chairs. JESSICA and TREVOR do the same.
MARGARET: So how late am I then?
JESSICA: Not too bad actually, not for you anyway.
MARGARET: No I suppose not, I’ve beaten Alan at least though that’s hardly anything
to write home about.
TREVOR: Death, taxes and Alan being late. The three certainties of life.
MARGARET: How long has it been since we laid eyes on each other?
BARMAN brings over drink then returns to the bar.
MARGARET: Thank you.
JESSICA: Well the last time I laid eyes on you was during the Commonwealth Games.
TREVOR: Yes I had no idea I’d be drinking with a celebrity.
MARGARET: Hardly. I’ve been recognized twice in my whole life, and both times by
hockey fans.
10
JESSICA: Well I’m sure Daniel Beckham started somewhere; he wasn’t always a
household name.
TREVOR: He obviously still isn’t in some of the well-to-do households.
MARGARET: Now now Trevor, when your house covers half of Hampshire it’s rather
easy to lose things. Even the name of the world’s best known footballer.
JESSICA: I was wondering how long it would take for this to start. Just because I wasn’t
dragged up in the gutter like you two.
TEVOR: I’m from St Andrews.
MARGARET: And I’m from Enfield.
JESSICA: Scotland and London! May as well be Beirut or Baghdad or…. Liverpool!
TREVOR: I spent a very pleasant fortnight in Beirut last summer, how dare you suggest
it’s a dilapidated hellhole.
MARGARET: And to be fair Liverpool won the European City of Culture award.
JESSICA: Whatever next? Atlantis winning an award for irrigation?
MARGARET: They do have culture in the North you know Jess, it’s not all flat caps and
whippets.
JESSICA: Oh nonsense. Anything beyond the Home Counties may as well have ‘here be
dragons’ written on the map.
TREVOR: Except Edinburgh of course.
JESSICA: Oh yes, except Edinburgh. A truly remarkable place. A solitary rose amidst the
bracken. Where would any of us be today without Edinburgh?
TREVOR: I’d probably be a caddy and a drunk back home.
MARGARET: And I never would have been able to do my PhD in Paris.
11
JESSICA: Alan certainly wouldn’t have been admitted to the Scottish Writers’ Guild and
had all those poems published.
Long pause. They become somber.
MARGARET: Edwin might still be alive though. Pause Well come on, you can’t attend a
man’s funeral and ignore the fact that he’s dead.
JESSICA: I was having a bloody good go.
TREVOR: Edinburgh didn’t kill Edwin. He didn’t change one bit the whole time he was
there. I think he’s the only person I knew never to change in the slightest.
MARGARET: Exams, presentations, graduation. He never compromised on anything.
JESSICA: How many lectures would he get up and argue with someone when he was
drunk or drugged up?
TREVOR: And how many times would he not be there at all because he was in bed with
some girl.
MARGARET: Or some boy.
JESSICA: Or quite often both.
MARGARET: Remember his graduation speech?
JESSICA: Good god, he brought the entire ceremony to a complete standstill.
MARGARET: I’m surprised they didn’t take his degree away, maybe they just realised a
good speech when they heard one.
JESSICA: Go on Trevor, you do it so well.
12
TREVOR gets to his feet clutching one hand to his chest and holding the other out in
front of him.
TREVOR: adopts and English accent As the outstanding achiever among this years
alumnus I would like to dedicate this degree to all those grandaunts who worked long,
hard hours and diligently gave their lives to their studies. Who resisted the temptations
University life presented to them, and who made sure that the academic excellence of this
institution is as world renowned as any other.
MARGARET and JESSICA give a small, dignified round of applause and look at each
other nodding.
TREVOR: I fully encourage each and every student who toiled so tirelessly to embark
upon yet another degree, as you clearly have so much more to offer the great centers of
learning across the world.
Another mini round of applause and approving nodding.
TREVOR: However I would stress to all those students that this time you do not waste
such a wonderful opportunity merely in study, but also embark upon all the extra
curricular activities such bastions of education offer you.
More applause, but this time slower and unsure.
13
TREVOR: Whilst I did indeed drink deep from the fount of knowledge during my fouryear tenure at this Elysian Lyceum, I was also able to appreciate all those things that
can’t be taught. Whenever I was offered a drink, a drug, or the chance to love I opted to
indulge.
MARGARET: in voice of an old, well-spoken Englishman I say!
JESSICA: in same voice Bad form!
TREVOR: Thus to all those who missed out I implore you – do not hesitate a moment
longer. Enroll afresh. Drain every drop. Smoke every drug. Visit every bed. And to all
those who pour scorn upon your joy like hot oil from a tower of morality I urge you to
quote the words of the great John Milton ‘Fuck off, I’m happy’!
MARGARET and JESSICA stand to applaud. MARGARET takes flowers out of a vase on
the table and hands them to TREVOR
JESSICA: Bravo!
MARGARET: Bellisimo!
TREVOR: back to his Scots accent Barman, more drinks! Today we celebrate the life of
the last truly great Englishman!
BARMAN brings fresh drinks over. All three sink into their chairs with giggles and
satisfied sighs.
14
JESSICA: He promised me I wouldn’t forget his speech, but I never imagined he’d do
something like that.
MARGARET: None of us in that hall will ever forget that day.
TREVOR: It was something special there’s no denying it. Sips his drink It wasn’t his
original speech though you know.
MARGARET: Really?
TREVOR: No, he went over what he intended to say with me. It started much the same as
that one, but it carried on in the vein one would expect, lauding praise on the University,
thanking the lecturers for taking mere children and developing them into society’s
brightest and best.
MARGARET: I had no idea. When did he write the good one then?
TREVOR: He never did. It was off the cuff. The notes he had in front of him were all
prompts for his original speech.
JESSICA: Well why did he change his mind then?
TREVOR: It’s hard to say, but my guess would be because Mr. Cleethorpes turned up
five minutes before the ceremony started.
JESSICA: Good Lord I remember. His father wasn’t going to attend was he? I remember
him saying he’d be damned if he was going to witness the culmination of four years of
excess and buggery.
MARGARET: Yes that’s right. I remember Edwin brushed it off, just like he brushed off
everything else. His father was totally obsessed with the idea of Edwin being gay.
JESSICA: He wasn’t even gay though. At worst he was bisexual.
15
TREVOR: I think to a man like Mr. Cleethorpes there was no distinction between the
two. And I have to say I agree with him. I loved Edwin dearly, but I could never quite
become accustomed to his deviance.
MARGARET: How can you say such a thing? This is a man you broke bread with.
JESSICA: This is a man you cut coke with!
TREVOR: You can’t force a man to be what he’s not. You can’t force me to accept a side
to Edwin that I found depraved. It’s all very well getting drunk and high when one is a
student, but we’re not kids anymore. Maybe if he’d stopped all his excess when the rest
of us did then he’d still be here today.
MARGARET: Like you said, he never changed, and you must have known he never
would. He died like he lived, with happiness in his heart.
JESSICA: And a drink in his hand.
TREVOR: And drugs in his veins.
MARGARET: And with three in a bed. They all laugh If it wasn’t for Edwin then I don’t
think I’d have ever known what happiness is.
JESSICA: Well I think I can speak for all of us when I say we’re all going to miss him
terribly.
TREVOR: Hear hear.
MARGARET: Well you can speak for the three of us at least, but where the bloody hell
is Alan?
TREVOR: Goodness knows, but I’m not going to see him tonight. I think it’s time to
retire.
16
MARGARET: Yes I think you’re right they all drain their drinks It is wonderful to see
you both again, even under these circumstances. Night night. She exits
TREVOR: I’m so very tired Jess, but I’m never too tired for you. He kisses her forehead
and exits
JESSICA slowly moves over to the barstools and sits.
BARMAN: Another drink madam?
JESSICA: He’s right you know.
BARMAN: Who’s that madam?
JESSICA: Trevor. I’m not happy with my lot, I know I should be but I’m not.
BARMAN: Sorry to hear it madam.
JESSICA: It’s just that I’ve never had to fight for anything. For a start I’m rich, well
Daddy is rich, but he gives me so much that I don’t even need to work.
BARMAN: Life presents more struggles then merely the financial madam.
JESSICA: I’m intelligent, popular, successful, desired. And I know from the reactions
men have towards me that I’m beautiful. I’ve got a doting husband and three gorgeous
daughters. It’s just all so easy. All so boring. So very, very boring.
BARMAN: Perhaps the company of old friends will have an invigorating effect?
JESSICA: Yes. Maybe.
She stands up and moves slowly over to BARMAN. She brushes her body against his and
kisses him lightly on the lips.
17
JESSICA: Bring my bags up to my room.
She walks towards the exit, turns her head back just before she leaves and looks at him.
BARMAN stands frozen for a second then puts on the radio and begins to clear up the
glasses left on the table by the large chairs. He returns to the bar and pours a large glass
of whiskey, which he drains immediately. He picks up JESSICA’S bags and follows her
turning the light off as he goes.
END OF ACT I SCENE I
Scene change: The large chairs are removed and replaced by café style table and chairs.
The sofas remain.
Scene: Still the hotel lobby, but set out for its daytime custom. It is bright and sunny
outside. ALAN is sitting at one of the tables cross-legged with a cigarette in one hand and
a drink of whiskey in the other. BARMAN is behind the bar busying himself with misc
chores e.g. cleaning glasses.
BARMAN turns off the radio. ALAN drains his glass then holds it up rattling the ice
inside to get the attention of BARMAN. BARMAN brings over a bottle of scotch.
BARMAN: Single or a double sir?
18
ALAN: What time is it?
BARMAN: Just gone half eleven sir.
ALAN: Just a single then. Barman pours and ALAN drains the glass instantly And
another. BARMAN pours another Bit too early for double measures.
BARMAN: Very puritan of you sir.
ALAN: Yes I thought so
BARMAN returns to the bar
ALAN: What did you tell them last night?
BARMAN: I told them the truth sir, that you were yet to arrive.
ALAN: And nobody questioned it?
BARMAN: No Sir. I gathered from their conversation that you have something of a habit
for waiting until all of a party has gathered before joining them.
ALAN: So they didn’t say I was late all the bloody time then?
BARMAN: I don’t recall what exactly was said sir, but that was certainly the long and
the short of it.
ALAN: Hmmm… Well I’m sure they had a lot of catching up to do.
BARMAN: There was certainly a good deal of catching up sir.
ALAN: I bet there was. Were Trevor and Jessica up to their old tricks again?
BARMAN: sir?
ALAN: Ah, Bartenders! Diplomatic to the last.
BARMAN: We’re born that way sir.
19
ALAN: Trevor and Jessica were lovers at one time. Well Trevor was the lover, Jess was
more the beloved. As the Ancient Greeks would have said; he was the erastes and she
was the eromenos. The idea was that the erastes was the aggressor and the eromenos was
merely an object of desire. The erastes had all the power and dictated how the affair went.
All the eromenos could do was accept or rebuff the lover’s overtures.
BARMAN: She didn’t reciprocate his affections?
ALAN: Well she did in a way, or at first at least. Jess is an exceptional woman you see,
she became the erastes and the eromenos. She remained the object of all desire, but
somehow managed to be the aggressor also. I’ve no idea how she did it, and the
Greeks would certainly have found her quite fascinating. They would have likened her to
Calypso I imagine. A woman of unconquerable beauty, but with the power to imprison a
great hero like Odysseus for seven long years.
BARMAN: She seemed to be most fond of him when they conversed last night sir.
ALAN: She loves Trevor like we all love Trevor. And she slept with him of course. But
that said he’s hardly the first person she met who she took to bed.
BARMAN begins to furiously clean a glass and looks away.
ALAN: But Trevor was totally besotted with her. He loved her in a way that she needed
rather then the way that she wanted. She could never see it though. Or maybe she could.
Maybe she decided Trevor would be better off without her.
20
ALAN drains his glass and puts it firmly down on the table. BARMAN comes over and
pours another drink
ALAN: I think it’s near enough noon now.
BARMAN doubles the measure then returns to the bar.
ALAN: Either way, they’re both married now.
BARMAN: Indeed sir, all’s well that ends well.
ALAN: What part of ‘they’re married’ made you think all was well?
BARMAN: Very droll sir.
ALAN: Maybe. But I’m not sure either of them have the self-restraint to remain totally
faithful. I’m not suggesting that they’ll sleep together, but infidelity doesn’t necessarily
have to be physical. I don’t think Trevor will be able to resist her. The problem is she’s a
Siren, but she doesn’t even know she’s singing half the time. It’s an instinct rather then
an action. I wonder if old Edwin died on purpose just to see what would happen when we
all got together again.
BARMAN: Sir is rather fond of his Classical allusions isn’t he?
ALAN: There isn’t much that’s worth knowing that can’t be found in the pages of
Homer, Plato, and Sophocles. Greek society reached its zenith two and a half thousand
years ago, unfortunately for them its been in steady decline ever since. I like to remember
them in their pomp.
BARMAN: A most interesting view sir, if perhaps a little xenophobic.
21
ALAN: The only thing wrong with xenophobia is it’s a bloody Greek word! I loved
learning about their ancient culture dearly, but I was forced to learn their god-awful
language too. Xenophobia is what gives a nation its ability to achieve great things.
Without xenophobia society as we know it would crumble.
BARMAN: Sir will forgive me for saying so, but he doesn’t seem to have one hundred
percent conviction in his views.
ALAN: Nonsense, I have perfect conviction in my views, I just happen to talk nonsense
sometimes. It’s what happens when one’s mouth becomes too dry.
Drains his glass and pushes it an inch towards BARMAN. BARMAN walks over and
refills it. The bottle is nearly empty and BARMAN leaves it next to ALAN’S glass.
BARMAN: If sir will excuse me.
ALAN: By all means my good man.
BARMAN goes to exit stage. MARGARET enters and they pass.
BARMAN: Madam. Exits
MARGARET: Well well well. Catches ALAN’S attention.
ALAN: My goodness. You look wonderful Margaret. A true vision.
He stands and they embrace then both sit. There’s a long silence.
22
ALAN: You look great.
MARGARET: smiles You said.
ALAN: Well it’s true. I can’t believe how long it’s been.
MARGARET: I’ve been dreading this moment ever since I heard.
ALAN: Dreading it? It’s all I’ve been looking forward to. Why were you dreading it?
MARGARET: I didn’t know whether I’d be able to cope or not. He laughs I relied on
you so much in the old days. It took a long time to learn to cope on my own.
ALAN: What utter rubbish. You’re the only one of us who could ever really cope. You’re
the one that made sure we all coped too. But you’re also the one who always called my
bluff. I was worried about seeing you too.
MARGARET: Really?
ALAN: Yes. I was worried you’d try and seduce me!
MARGARET: laughs Oh there you go again. It’s like trying to have a serious
conversation with Groucho Marx.
ALAN: Oh good Groucho Marx story.
MARGARET: Alan don’t.
ALAN: Come on indulge me. Groucho asked a woman why she had thirteen children and
she said it was because she loved her husband. Groucho said affects poor Groucho Marx
accent ‘Well I love my cigar, but I take it out once in a while’.
MARGARET: laughs I have missed you.
ALAN: It’s perfectly understandable, I’m very missable. I’ve actually had women who
miss me so much they often don’t realise I’m there. I had a girlfriend who brought a man
23
back one time and didn’t realise I was in the house till after she’d made love to him. I
really wouldn’t have minded so much, but I was in the bed at the time.
MARGARET: I think you’re more like Edwin then any of us.
ALAN: No I don’t think so. He’s like all of us. We’ve all got a bit of Edwin I think, and
we’re all lucky to.
MARGARET: Perhaps you’re right. I was thinking that maybe he died on purpose just to
get us all back together again.
ALAN: smiles and laughs to himself Yes. I think you might be on to something there.
MARGARET: I could almost believe he did you know. He was so good to all of us; he
gave us all so much. Remember his graduation speech?
ALAN: laughs Oh yes!
MARGARET: Well I think I would have been one of those people who missed out if it
weren’t for him. I never knew what it was to live. I just thought ‘play by the rules and
work hard’ was the way to get by in life. I never realised that’s all it was. It was just
getting by. I never enjoyed life one bit until Edwin adopted me.
ALAN: He taught us all so much. He taught me to always be happy. Pause But I’m not
like him Margaret, I can’t just be happy. Some of us can do it, takes a long swig of his
drink and some of us need a little help.
MARGARET: You don’t need help Alan, at least not that sort of help.
ALAN: I need this. Drinks again
MARGARET: But why?
ALAN: Is it not said that ‘in the seed of grape and grain the source of happiness lies’.
MARGARET: And which great man said that?
24
ALAN: Do you know I’m not at all sure. I think I’ll claim it as my own.
MARGARET: The only saying I know is ‘in wine there is truth’.
ALAN: Well I better stick to Scotch then, I can’t abide the truth. Drinks Then again
maybe the truth is more palatable when doused in wine. Long Pause while he drains his
glass But why take the risk? Empties the rest of the bottle into his glass.
MARGARET: Are all famous poets this maudlin?
ALAN: I don’t know, you’ll have to ask them. But all poets who haven’t had anything
published in three years probably are.
MARGARET: Every poet goes through writers’ block.
ALAN: You need to be a writer to get a block. I’m just a washed up hack. I’ve barely
even written anything since the accident.
MARGARET: I was so sorry to read about that, it must have been so devastating.
Charlotte was a wonderful woman.
ALAN: Yes, I bet Edwin’s up there trying to shag her this very minute.
MARGARET: Why is it you make a joke every time someone touches a nerve.
ALAN: Maybe is my way of telling people to mind their own business.
MARGARET: I’m not going to let this go Al, you’ve got to talk about it at some point.
Honestly man it’s midday and you’re tight already.
ALAN: I thought I was hiding it rather well.
MARGARET: You are, but I know you, you can’t hide anything from me. And besides
you can’t hide that smell.
ALAN: Well if I can fool most people then that’ll do for me.
MARGARET: Talk to me. I want to help.
25
JESSICA enters.
JESSICA: Is that Alan Hemley! Affects southern USA accent Well I do declare that it is!
She runs over and kisses him on both cheeks then takes a seat.
JESSICA: Goodness me, an Olympiad and a famous artist. What company I keep these
days. To think; the sort of people I used to associate with at University!
ALAN: Young Jessica looking as insatiable as ever.
JESSICA: How bloody rude! You’re lucky I’ve got a forgiving nature you beastly man.
ALAN: Sorry, old habits and all that.
JESSICA: Well I see you’ve started the party without me. Shouting Barkeep!
ALAN: I think he went down to the cellar.
JESSICA: What use is a barman if he’s deserted his bar? Shouting Barkeep!
MARGARET: I trust you slept well?
JESSICA: Like an angel.
ALAN: Really? I could have sworn I heard you praying last night.
JESSICA: Praying?
ALAN: Well why would somebody be shouting for God if they weren’t praying?
JESSICA: to MARGARET He’s only been here five minutes and already he’s trying to
sully my good name.
ALAN: You need to have a good name for it to become sullied.
26
BARMAN arrives with a bottle of Scotch and stands next to JESSICA.
JESSICA: Ah good man. What are we all having then? How about a pitcher of G and T?
BARMAN: Very good madam.
ALAN: I’ll have mine with a Whiskey chaser.
JESSICA: I’d forgotten what a cracking good wheeze you are. It’s what I love about
being English, no one seems to mind if we get squiffy in the afternoon.
ALAN: Now I’d have to take issue with you there. It’s not easy being an Englishman.
BARMAN brings over the pitcher, three glasses and a whiskey. He returns to the bar.
MARGARET pours.
JESSICA: What on earth do you mean?
ALAN: Well every foreigner has a simple aspiration, something they can constantly
strive for but never achieve. Thus they remain content because they are always in pursuit
of their ultimate goal. Pause
JESSICA: laughs Well come on then. I know you poets are awfully fond of suspense, but
to me a dramatic pause just feels like a forgotten line.
ALAN: A scathing if accurate assessment.
JESSICA: So what is this magic goal all foreigners have.
ALAN: Simple. Pause To be more like an Englishman.
JESSICA: Claps her hands together Ah! Of course.
27
ALAN: Thus an Englishman, due to the curse of his nationality must constantly strive to
achieve great insurmountable feats simply to remain content.
JESSICA: Perhaps this is why Englishmen see lovemaking as a chore whilst Europeans
see it as a pleasure.
ALAN: Exactly. Rather then taking any real joy from the moment, we’ve instead terrified
that we’re doing it wrong.
JESSICA: It’s certainly one explanation.
MARGARET: Yes, though I’m not sure Trevor would agree.
ALAN: Trevor is from St. Andrews, he’s more English then I am! Plus he carries the
added burden all Scots do of hating the fact that they are in essence English. Thus they
lack contentment as they have achieved Englishness, but also suffer deep self-loathing for
ascending to such a state of disloyal perfection. Drinks This is why the only man more
miserable then an Englishman is a Scot.
Enter TREVOR
ALAN: Ah speak of the dour devil!
Alan stands and they shake hands. They both sit. BARMAN brings over an extra glass
then returns to the bar. MARGARET pours TREVOR a drink.
TREVOR: What’s this English swine saying about me?
ALAN: Ah just the usual. I was actually commending you on your Englishness.
28
TREVOR: How dare you. You turn up late and when you finally arrive you barrage me
with insults.
JESSICA: You’ve obviously forgotten what this chap’s like if you think that was a
barrage.
TREVOR: What it lacked in quantity it made up for in ferocity. It may only have been
one comment, but it was a blight the scale of Hiroshima.
MARGARET: Why is it you make so many allusions to warfare?
TREVOR: Envy I suppose. I’ve often wanted to follow in the footsteps of McLeishs
before me who fought and died for King and Country.
JESSICA: Well what’s stopping you?
TREVOR: It’s very dangerous being in the army you know.
MARGARET: So just good old-fashioned cowardice then?
TREVOR: I like to think it’s more of a refined cowardice that combines aspects of
principle, rebelliousness and good old fashioned greed.
JESSICA: Greed?
TREVOR: Absolutely. I’ve worked all my life to be in a position where I can accumulate
as much money as humanly possible, what’s the point in being rich if one is dead.
MARGARET: Yes fair point. If you work every hour god sends and then can’t see the
fruits of your labour, then it’s a touch… well, fruitless.
TREVOR: Indeed. And how on earth will one be able to ask people at parties how much
their property is worth if one has heroically perished.
JESSICA: There are no decent wars these days anyway. It’s all about technology really
isn’t it? And I really feel for those boys out in the Middle East. Every time they shoot a
29
civilian they’re hauled over the coals for it. I mean it’s ridiculous! When you go to war,
you go to war with a country. If you kill the civilians of that country, well yes, it’s a
shame, but it’s still the bloody enemy really isn’t it? My Gramppy didn’t have two
brothers and a husband killed just so some upstart lefty journo bastard could make our
boys look like the badguys every time a poor pathetic wog catches a stray bullet.
MARGARET: Jessica listen to yourself, can’t you understand how outrageous you
sound. The war was illegal anyway….
JESSICA: Oh don’t even get me started on that.
ALAN: No please don’t get started on that.
JESSICA: Half of bloody Europe denouncing us for deposing a bloody evil tyrant! There
wouldn’t even be a Europe if we hadn’t have defended the bloody thing twice over. And
the Germans themselves, the bloody Germans, accuse us of being heavy handed. I mean
it’s a bit bloody rich isn’t it!
ALAN has drained both of his drinks already. He holds his glass in the air and shakes the
ice in it. BARMAN comes over and refills it with whiskey then returns to the bar.
MARGARET: Oh good Lord! Have you any idea how….
TREVOR: Ladies please. I’m sure we can find far more interesting and less controversial
things to talk about then international affairs.
ALAN: Thank God.
JESSICA: You’re right, I’m awfully sorry.
MARGARET: Yes, you’re quite right Trevor, what shall we talk about then?
30
TREVOR: I really don’t mind. Oh, I know; did anybody happen to read the serialisation
of Lord McLaughlin’s autobiography?
ALAN drains his glass and shakes it in the air so this time the ice rattles more loudly.
BARMAN comes over to fill it and begins to return to the bar.
MARGARET: No the last thing I read was Harry Potter.
ALAN grabs the back of BARMAN’S shirt and pulls him back. He drains his glass and
BARMAN refills it. ALAN points to the ground to indicate BARMAN should stand next to
him and not leave.
ALAN: Urrrrhhhh…..
They all turn to look at ALAN as he is desperately looking for something to say
ALAN: Would…anybody… like a drink?
JESSICA: I think we’re all still working on ours, bit out of practise I’m afraid.
ALAN: Very good. Thank you Barkeep.
BARMAN: My pleasure sir.
BARMAN returns to bar.
31
ALAN: Do you realise this is the first time we’ve all been alone together?
MARGARET: What do you mean? Of course it isn’t.
TREVOR: No, no he’s right. Think about it. The four of us have never been together
without Edwin in the room.
JESSICA: Good Lord that is queer isn’t it.
MARGARET: Yes you’re right. I can’t believe it.
ALAN: Well if you’re having trouble adjusting we could go through to the billiard room,
his coffin’s on the table.
MARGARET: It would seem undignified if it were anyone else, but I think it’s a rather
suitable place to rest him considering the amount of nonsense he got up to in his life.
TREVOR: Remember when he joined the Dangerous Sports Club.
JESSICA: Yes, but it wasn’t a case of paracending or abseiling was it? Didn’t he go
down a waterfall on a tea tray?
TREVOR: Well yes, but it was only a small one.
ALAN: Tea tray or waterfall?
TREVOR: Both I think.
MARGARET: And he almost became the first man to cross the Channel on an inflatable
kangaroo.
JESSICA: Really? Why only almost?
ALAN: He was arrested as soon as he got into French waters because he didn’t have a
licence for the kangaroo.
TREVOR: He was rather upset as I recall.
32
ALAN: Yes, he got the idea into his head that they were only arresting him because the
French Dangerous Sports Society were planning a cross channel kangaroo record of their
own. He rather gave up on the dangerous sports after that.
MARGARET: Yes that’s when he went to Switzerland wasn’t it?
JESSICA: I remember that all right, I had to wire the Swiss authorities eleven thousand
Francs to get him out of jail.
TREVOR: I never heard about this, what was he in for?
JESSICA: He was drinking in a hotel bar and bought the guests champagne all night.
Then he left in the morning without paying his bill. The hotelier wasn’t going to take the
matter any further. Edwin had left a brand new Mercedes in the car park so he thought
that would cover the cost no problem.
TREVOR: So why did he end up in jail?
ALAN: It wasn’t his Mercedes. He’d taken it for a test drive from a car show room in
Marseilles.
MARGARET: Seems like wherever he goes he gets arrested.
ALAN: It’s only twice.
TREVOR: No he got arrested in Moscow as well. He was chatting a girl up in a bar and
told her he worked for MI6. He’d been doing it all week, unfortunately this girl was an
off duty police woman and reported him.
BARMAN walks over.
33
MARGARET: Goodness, I bet he must have loads of new stories that we all missed out
on. Shame he never kept a diary.
BARMAN: Will any of the party be requiring luncheon?
MARGARET: I will; I’m absolutely famished.
JESSICA: I think I’ll join you.
ALAN: I think I quite fancy a stroll. Trevor be a good chap and keep me company.
TREVOR: Yes all right, I guess we’ll see you ladies later.
They rise to leave. BARMAN returns to the bar
MARGARET: What’s this? The men off to discuss politics over brandy?
ALAN: No it’s far more complicated than that. I could explain it to you, but I’m not sure
your pretty little head would understand.
MARGARET: smiling Get out of my sight you absolute terror.
ALAN and TREVOR leave.
MARGARET: sighs Goodness me.
JESSICA: Whatever’s the matter?
MARGARET: Well, Alan of course.
JESSICA: What’s wrong with Alan?
MARGARET: Don’t tell me you didn’t notice the drinking.
JESSICA: Oh rubbish, we were all at it.
34
MARGARET: Not like him. He was really putting it away. And the worst thing is he
wasn’t even coming across as drunk. He must do it all the time.
JESSICA: Alan has always liked a drink.
MARGARET: Not in this… joyless way. He looks like he’s drowning his sorrows.
JESSICA: We are here for a funeral.
MARGARET: No it’s something else. I’m gonna have to talk to him.
JESSICA: Now don’t be frightful towards him; he’s having fun. He’s on holiday if
anything. I’m quite sure you’re worrying over nothing.
MARGARET: You’re seriously saying you’re not worried?
JESSICA: annoyed Oh come on Margaret, why do you always have to be this way. Just
let the man enjoy his drink. You’re always finding something to worry about. You’ll be
on at me for something next.
Pause in which MARGARET moves uneasily in her chair and looks the other way
JESSICA: What? What is it?
MARGARET: Well I wasn’t going to say anything, but, well, you’re not going to do
anything silly are you?
JESSICA: It’s been known to happen, what are you trying to say?
MARGARET: I really don’t know how to say this without causing offence. You are
going to think of your husband while you’re here aren’t you?
JESSICA: laughs and lights a cigarette Oh Margaret. I’ll be thinking of my husband
alright.
35
MARGARET: I’m glad, I’m sorry to have mentioned it.
JESSICA: ignoring her I’ll be thinking of a dull little man in our dull little home with our
dull little perfect children. I’ll be thinking of how boring and repetitive every single dull
little day is.
MARGARET: Jessica don’t.
JESSICA: I came down here so I could fuck. And I’m sure you’d rather I fuck Trevor
then your darling drunken Alan.
MARGARET: What do you mean?
JESSICA: Oh come off it. You’ve always been head over heels for him the same way
Trevor’s been for me. Tonight I’m going to give him something he’s been thinking of for
the last eight years. Every time he fucked his wife he’ll have been thinking of me, and
now he can finally enjoy the perfect erotic evening she could never give him.
MARGARET: When did you become so hateful?
JESSICA: Oh Chickpea, I’m not hateful. I’m happy with my husband and my three girls.
MARGARET: So why are you doing this?
JESSICA: Because happiness isn’t the same as excitement. Fucking a married man is
exciting.
MARGARET: What if you get caught?
JESSICA: Then all the better. Think how exciting it would be if my husband did find out.
MARGARET: And what if Trevor’s wife did?
JESSICA: Look, I can’t force a man to sleep with me; he’s still got free will
BARMAN: Pah!
36
JESSICA: I’ll do what I damn well like. Just because you’ve got your own little
problems, loving Alan, but living with some god awful middle aged beatnik. You don’t
have to be so excessively nice and proper all the time you know. We all know how much
you must be hurting for your life to have turned out the way it has. But no, being upset
wouldn’t be Margaret would it? It wouldn’t be the proper thing to do. So instead you
bottle it all up inside and only vent it when you see people who want to enjoy themselves
in a way that you don’t know how to. Why don’t you sort yourself out before you go
fucking with other people. Pause We were having a perfectly jolly time before you
started talking such rot. I’ll be buggered if I’m going to sit through lunch with you now.
I’m going to see if I can catch the boys up.
She stands and walks quickly out. Margaret sits in silence for a while. She pours a glass
of whiskey from Alan’s bottle and raises the glass to her lips. She stops just before
drinking and puts the glass down on the table. She exits in the opposite direction to the
others. BARMAN turns on the radio again and goes to collect the glasses.
END OF ACT I SCENE II
Scene change: Three doors are introduced. One on the far left of the stage, one on the far
right, and one is placed exactly half way between the two. The tables and chairs are
removed. The bar is covered. The two sofas (sofa beds) are extended and placed
prominently on each half of the stage. Two dressing tables and chairs are brought in and
37
placed on either side of the stage. Other bedroom paraphernalia e.g. dress mirrors,
lamps, TVs etc can be included, but are not vital to the scene.
Scene: JESSICA’S hotel room (left half of stage) and ALAN’S hotel room (right half of
stage) connected to each other by the central door. ALAN is asleep on his bed. JESSICA
is seated at her dressing table.
Music fades out. JESSICA begins to beautify herself e.g. does her make-up, brushes her
hair, pushes her boobs up, sprays perfume on her neck and up her skirt. A knock is heard
on her outer door. ALAN sits bolt upright in his bed. He checks his watch, yawns and
then slumps back asleep. JESSICA walks over to the door and reaches out a hand to open
it. She changes her mind and instead lies on the bed in a sultry pose.
JESSICA: Come in.
Enter TREVOR visibly agitated
TREVOR: Hello.
JESSICA: Hello there. Take a seat won’t you.
TREVOR goes to sit on the bed then changes his mind and sits on the chair by the
dressing table.
38
TREVOR: pause It’s been lovely to see everyone again. Just like the old days.
JESSICA: Except in the old days we knew we’d have to see each other every day. It’s
almost like now there are no consequences.
TREVOR: Well I suppose that’s true in a manner of speaking.
JESSICA: You seem a little nervous.
TREVOR: No, no. I’m fine.
JESSICA: Really?
TREVOR: Oh yes I’m fine.
JESSICA: You’re fidgeting.
TREVOR: I had two cups of coffee after dinner, I usually only have one. It must be that.
JESSICA: smiles It must be. I’ve ordered us some champagne, that should calm your
nerv… your jitters.
There’s a knock on ALAN’S door which TREVOR and JESSICA remain oblivious to.
ALAN sits bolt upright. JESSICA walks over to TREVOR and leads him over to the bed
by his tie. They both sit on the bed. ALAN slumps asleep again. There’s a knock on
JESSICA’S door. ALAN sits up again. JESSICA gets up and lets in BARMAN who has a
bottle of champagne and an ice bucket with a stand.
JESSICA: Marvellous, just set it up by the dresser.
39
He does so and leaves. JESSICA pours two glasses and returns to sit next to TREVOR on
the bed. They drink slowly. There’s another, harder knock on ALAN’S door and this time
he’s fully shaken out of his sleep and goes to open his door.
Enter Margaret at great speed.
MARGARET: God I’m so glad you’re in. I’m so awfully worried. I think something
ghastly is going to happen.
ALAN: Please, do come in.
ALAN flops on his bed whilst MARGARET paces round the room.
MARGARET: she’s speaking very fast I know what you’re thinking, that I’m worrying
over nothing, but I really think they might do it and it would be just awful.
ALAN: Would it?
MARGARET: Oh yes, terrible. Just imagine the possible ramifications.
ALAN: You see I hadn’t thought about the ramifications. I wasn’t really thinking about
anything. I was asleep actually.
MARGARET: And if anybody found out. I know what you’re going to say, ‘who could
possibly find out’, but someone might.
ALAN: I was having a rather nice dream.
MARGARET: It’s not just them to think about, there are children involved.
ALAN: I was bicycling through a beautiful garden, but I kept falling off my bike.
40
MARGARET: I know they’ll regret it. I know he will certainly.
ALAN: But it was okay because every time I landed in a big pool of raspberry jelly and
bounced straight back up again.
MARGARET: God it’s awful!
ALAN: Yes I prefer strawberry myself, but you can’t choose what you dream about can
you.
MARGARET: pause Alan, I’m not at all convinced you’re taking this seriously.
ALAN: It’s difficult to take it seriously when I don’t know what the hell you’re talking
about.
MARGARET: Jessica and Trevor are going to have an affair!
ALAN: Oh really?
MARGARET: Yes!
ALAN: Pause Who with?
MARGARET: shouting Why with each other of course!
ALAN: Ohhhhhhh. Long pause. Oh well.
He lays down and goes back to sleep again. MARGARET sighs and sits on the end of the
bed with her head in her hands.
TREVOR: Did you hear something?
JESSICA: No I didn’t hear a thing.
TREVOR: Nobody knows we’re here do they.
41
JESSICA: Well the barman probably figured it out. But judging by how much he had to
drink today I reckon Alan is probably half comatose.
TREVOR: What about Margaret? She was asking me some peculiar questions about you
earlier. Like she almost knew we had planned to meet.
JESSICA: Well it’s possible she had an inkling. She did mention something to me too.
TREVOR tenses But don’t worry about her. What can she do? She’ll never know, and
even if she did find out she’s hardly going to spill the beans is she?
TREVOR: I’d just prefer it if nobody knew there were any beans. I shouldn’t even be
here, I should be on the phone to my wife.
JESSICA: Well you are here. I didn’t force you to come over.
TREVOR: I know it’s just I can’t stop thinking about…
JESSICA: Don’t think about anything. She gets the bottle and refills the glasses Just
enjoy the moment. Enjoy the moment you’ve been thinking about for the last eight years.
She moves her body into his and begins to kiss him
MARGARET: I can’t just sit here and do nothing. They’re probably next door right now
about to make one of the biggest mistakes of their lives. Come on, you’ve got to help me.
She shakes ALAN and drags him up by the hand.
ALAN: Well what the hell can I do?
42
MARGARET: Well I imagine that if we go into her room then they’re probably less
likely to do anything.
ALAN: Are you insane?
TREVOR pulls out of the kiss.
TREVOR: I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
TREVOR gets up and hurries out of the door.
JESSICA: Trevor wait.
JESSICA follows him out.
MARGARET: Come on, let’s get in there, before it’s too late.
ALAN: Alright then, let’s get it over with.
ALAN opens the door that adjoins the two rooms and lets MARGARET in first. He then
closes it behind her and turns the lock. He slumps on the bed and falls asleep again.
MARGARET turns around horrified and bangs on the door
MARGARET: Alan! Alan! To herself Bastard!
43
She nervously moves around the room. She picks up the two champagne glasses and
looks at them for a long time.
MARGARET: Where are they?
She places the glasses on the dressing table. She moves over to the door (that leads to the
corridor) and is about to open it, but pauses and presses her ear up against it. She
quickly runs over to the adjoining door and tries the handle several times hurriedly.
MARGARET: Alan! Alan! Let me in, there’s someone coming.
She looks around in a panic and just as JESSICA’S and TREVOR’S voices can be heard
outside the hallway door she quickly gets into the bed and covers herself in the duvet.
Enter JESSICA and TREVOR, they don’t notice the bulge in the bed.
TREVOR: I’m sorry, I just think I’m a little nervous. I’ve never done anything like this
before.
They sit on the end of the bed
JESSICA: Don’t worry about it, it’ll be fine. You’re in very safe hands.
44
She stands and goes to refill the glasses, which she brings over to the bed. She places the
champagne bottle on the floor between them. She sits and they begin to kiss. There’s a
knock on ALAN’S door.
ALAN: Piss off!
The knocking continues. ALAN gets out of bed and moves towards his hallway door
ALAN: Look I don’t care who’s shagging who, I just want to…
He opens the door and BARMAN is there.
ALAN: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were somebody else.
BARMAN: I’m glad to hear it sir. And I am awfully sorry to disturb you, but you said to
bring you up a glass of whiskey about this time. You said it would help you sleep sir.
BARMAN hands over the drink which ALAN downs then hands straight back to him.
ALAN: That’s my last one until the wake.
BARMAN: Sir?
ALAN: Can’t carry a coffin if I can’t walk straight.
BARMAN: Very true. Goodnight sir.
45
ALAN shuts the door then returns to the bed and sleeps. TREVOR begins to move his
body so he’s about to lay on top of JESSICA, but in doing so he kicks the bottle of
champagne over.
TREVOR: Bugger. I’m so sorry.
JESSICA: Fucking hell! I’ll go and get us another bottle. Use a towel to clear this up.
JESSICA stands and exits. MARGARET suddenly appears from beneath the covers.
MARGARET: What the hell do you think you’re playing at?
TREVOR jumps up from the bed letting out a cry of surprise with one hand clutching his
heart.
TREVOR: What the hell do you think you’re doing here?
MARGARET: Oh aren’t we all going to shag Jessica tonight? Alan and the Barman
should be here in a second and I wouldn’t be surprised if Bill Clinton pops by for a
smoke.
TREVOR: You’ve got no right to be here.
MARGARET: I’ve got no right! Trevor, you’re going to ruin your marriage for one night
of sex. You should be in your own bed missing your wife, not in Jessica’s betraying her.
TREVOR: You don’t understand, you don’t know how long I’ve…
46
MARGARET: Yes I do. We all do Trevor. It’s never been a secret, not to any of us, and
certainly not to Jessica.
TREVOR: So you all knew? All these years you all knew?
MARGARET: Well I dare say we didn’t know you still felt this way, you are married
after all.
TREVOR: I’ve tried not to think about her. I didn’t think It’d be a problem, but when I
saw her yesterday – oh God.
MARGARET: Trevor you can’t do this.
TREVOR: I have to do this. I need to do this. I’ve wanted to for so long. I’ve dreamed
about it so many times.
MARGARET: You’re risking everything.
TREVOR: I’m not even sure I am. The risk might be if I didn’t do it. I need to have one
night with this woman or for the rest of my life I’ll be remembering and regretting that I
had a chance and threw it away.
MARGARET: pause Trevor, you have a wife. You have a wife who loves you and wants
you. She wants you just the way you are. She’s given her heart and her soul to you. All
she’s asking in return is for you to love her. Look at you. You’re not the podgy awkward
boy I knew. You’re a man who’s made a name for himself. You’re a man who’s earned
himself a good life, a happy life. You’ve achieved it all yourself. Jessica is beautiful, but
she’s not so out of your reach anymore. You’re rich, kind, clever and handsome. You
could have any of the Jessica’s out there. Christ, you’ve already got one and she’s
waiting for you at home. She’ll give you children and years of immeasurable happiness.
47
Do you really want to jeopardise all that because of a teenage fantasy? And besides, you
wouldn’t even get away with it.
TREVOR: What do you mean?
MARGARET: More then anything else Trevor, you’re a good man. You wouldn’t be
able to live with the guilt. You’d have to tell her. You’d tell her knowing it would destroy
everything, but you’d still have to do it because it’s the right thing to do. You’ll probably
even end up telling her about this.
TREVOR: We five really know each other far too well don’t we?
MARGARET: Frightful isn’t it. You won’t do it then?
TREVOR: No. You’re right. I don’t need this. And it will destroy me.
MARGARET: Promise me something.
TREVOR: Margaret I meant it, I’m not going to do it.
MARGARET: Not that. Promise me you won’t tell your wife about this. You’ve been
tested and you’ve passed. Don’t destroy that.
TREVOR: I’ve cheated her.
MARGARET: Make it up to her by spending the rest of your life making her happy.
TREVOR: Pause Okay.
MARGARET: I’d better get out of here before Jessica comes back.
TREVOR: I’ll wait and explain things to her.
MARGARET: Trevor?
TREVOR: Okay, you’re right. I’ll leave her a note though. She deserves that at least.
48
MARGARET opens the hallway door a fraction and peeks out. She sees the coast is clear
and leaves. Trevor sits at the dressing table and begins to write a message. He goes to sit
on the bed and reads the note over and over. There is a knock on ALAN’S outer door.
TREVOR looks towards ALAN’S room then leaves the note on the bed and quickly exits
through JESSICA’S outer (hallway) door. MARGARET enters through ALAN’S outer
(hallway) door and walks over to the adjoining door which she unlocks and opens. She
looks around JESSICA’S room then closes the door again. She sits on ALAN’S bed.
MARGARET: I think it’s going to be okay. I didn’t speak to Jessica, but I talked Trevor
out of it. He’ll thank me one day. He came so close to destroying everything. I know it’s
hardly the sort of thing to say about a friend, but I don’t think that would have been
Jessica’s first affair. I think poor Trevor was quite defenceless against her really.
Long pause.
MARGARET: Alan? Pause Alan I know you’re not asleep.
ALAN: Yes I am, leave me alone.
MARGARET: Do you mind if I just lie here for a while?
ALAN: You can swing from the ceiling for all I care, as long as you do it quietly.
JESSICA and BARMAN enter JESSICA’S room. BARMAN is carrying a bottle of
champagne.
49
JESSICA: It’s awfully embarrassing, we spilled it all over the… pauses and looks round
the room Oh!
She spots the note and goes over to read it. She is clearly fazed by what it says and
screws it up in her fist.
BARMAN: Not a problem I hope madam?
JESSICA: Um, yes, no. No, not at all. Regains her composure I asked Mr McLeish if he
wouldn’t mind letting me get some rest.
BARMAN: Shall I leave the champagne then?
JESSICA: Of course. I just wanted a glass before bed. I find it hard to sleep in hotels.
Edwin’s picking up the bill after all isn’t he?
BARMAN: The estate is covering all costs Madam.
JESSICA: Well just clear away these things then and leave me a glass.
BARMAN: Very good madam.
BARMAN begins to clear away the clutter. JESSICA lights a cigarette and sits on the bed
with her legs crossed.
MARGARET: Alan. She shakes him Alan wake up. Wake up won’t you.
ALAN: Of course I will, I’ve become something of an expert at it.
MARGARET: I heard a voice from next door.
ALAN: If it’s keeping you awake then go to your own bloody room.
50
MARGARET: It was a man’s voice!
ALAN: Well go and sleep at a bloody convent then.
MARGARET: It must be Trevor, she must have talked him round.
MARGARET goes over to the adjoining door, kneels down and puts her ear up against it.
BARMAN collects all the accoutrements leaving only the glass of champagne which he
has poured.
BARMAN: Will there be anything else madam?
JESSICA: No thank you. BARMAN goes over to the door Oh there was one thing. Mr
McLeish requested a 6 A.M. wake up call.
BARMAN: I shall see to it Madam.
JESSICA: Thank you so much.
BARMAN exits
MARGARET: I’m sure I heard it again. Clear as day. Shrilly they’re both still in there.
JESSICA hears MARGARET and walks over to the adjoining door.
MARGARET: Alan I need your help on this. We need to go in there and…
JESSICA opens the adjoining door and MARGARET comes tumbling through.
51
JESSICA: I might have bloody known.
MARGARET gets up
MARGARET: I’m sorry Jessica, but I had to do something.
JESSICA: You meddling little bitch. How dare you!
MARGARET: I didn’t want to have to interfere, but you could have broken up two
marriages tonight.
JESSICA: If he’s that easily tempted then he’s going to do it with someone sooner or
later.
MARGARET: You know it’s not like that, you how he’s always fawned after you. You
were deliberately out to destroy him for a cheap thrill.
JESSICA: How dare you!
MARGARET: I’m just saying it how I see it.
JESSICA: Oh really! Well perhaps I’ll do the same.
JESSICA walks through to ALAN’S room and stands at the foot of the bed. MARGARET
follows.
JESSICA: Alan, I didn’t want to be the one to have to say this, but seeing as we’re in a
new spirit of openness and honestly there’s something you need to know.
MARGARET: What are you doing?
52
JESSICA: Telling the truth. You wouldn’t want me to besmirch my soul with a lie would
you! Alan, there’s something Margaret has been keeping from you.
MARGARET: Stop it!
JESSICA: The truth is old man, she’s not awfully keen on the old bugger she’s shagging.
MARGARET: shouting Jessica don’t!
JESSICA: The truth is she loves you. She always has and she probably always will. But
she’s can’t even begin to deal with the fact that her life is an entangled web of lies, denial
and boredom. So for some reason she decides to act like Mary fucking Poppins all the
time so she doesn’t have to stop and think about it.
MARGARET: crying How could you? How could you!
ALAN slowly stands up and places himself between the two women. He looks from one to
the other, yawns, and rubs his eyes. He walks through the adjoining door locking it as he
does, leaving the two women in his room. He drains the glass of champagne and exits
through JESSICA’S outer (hallway) door.
MARGARET: You’ve destroyed me, just like you were going to destroy Trevor.
JESSICA: Oh don’t be so melodramatic. If I really wanted to destroy you I’d find a much
more interesting way of doing it.
JESSICA exits through ALAN’S outer (hallway) door. MARGARET goes over to the
adjoining door and knocks on it.
53
MARGARET: It’s okay, you can come back through now. She’s gone. Pause Alan. Alan
are you there? Pause It’s true what she said. I’m sure you’ve always known. I feel foolish
even saying it, especially through a door. I don’t even know why I’m saying it…
JESSICA enters her bedroom. MARGARET stops talking and backs away from the
adjoining door. She exits. JESSICA begins to undress until she’s only in her underwear.
She’s goes over to where her glass is and without looking at it raises it to her lips. She
realises it’s empty and turns it upside down before placing it back on the dressing table.
She lies on top of her bed and begins to read. ALAN enters his room with a glass of
whiskey in his hand. He undresses until he’s in his underwear and then lies on his bed.
He falls asleep and the glass falls out of his hand and lands/breaks on the floor. JESSICA
closes her book and goes over to the adjoining door. She unlocks it and enters. She moves
over to the bed and straddles ALAN. She begins to kiss him. The curtain falls.
END OF ACT I SCENE III
END OF ACT I
INTERVAL
Scene change: The stage is set out as it was in Act I Scene I
54
Scene: The hotel lobby. Edwin’s wake is taking place offstage in an adjoining room.
Laughter, conversation and music can be heard. PRIEST and BARMAN are in
conversation in the middle of the room. PRIEST is dressed as a priest and holding a glass
of red wine. BARMAN is balancing a tray filled with glasses of red wine on one hand.
The noise fades.
PRIEST: Well it was certainly the least conventional service I’ve ever presided over. But
I mean it’s it’s not unheard of. Very often people organise their own funerals. My uncle
David, who was also a a a clergyman, organised his own funeral. He picked out his
favourite hymns, like Mr Cleethorpes he wrote a speech he wished to be read out. I
suppose I suppose he’s just taking it one step further. Maybe this is how the younger
generation will wish their services to be conducted in the future. I mean what do you
think? Is this… perfectly legitimate, but but but… unorthodox approach something you
think will catch on?
BARMAN: Honestly Father, I don’t think it will. Mr Cleethorpes was not quite like your
average man.
PRIEST: Oh! Bit of a maverick was he!
BARMAN: That would certainly be an accurate description Father.
PRIEST: Well I suppose you’d have to be with a service like that. Ha! I mean I know I’m
old… No no no, it’s all right I know I am! I know I’m old, but I’m perfectly happy to
play songs from popular music if that is the wish of the deceased. I had a I had a chap
55
who wanted ‘What A Wonderful World’ by by by um… that large black fellow. What’s
his name?
BARMAN: Louis Armstrong?
PRIEST: No no no it was a singer not not not a spaceman. Huge American chap. Very
popular. I’m amazed you haven’t heard of him. Anyway, they wanted that played as one
of the hymns. Well you know. I’m no stickler for the rules, that’s what he wanted, so
that’s what we played. And and it was lovely. Really was. Almost brought a tear to one’s
eye.
BARMAN: Sounds very moving Father.
PRIEST: Oh it really was. I’m not sure the one today really had quite the same effect.
Although I have to say there were a good deal of people crying. I mean I mean I mean I
have the greatest respect for Sir Paul McCartney. Poignant imagery in in in ‘Let It Be’.
‘When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me’. Just beautiful.
Really captures the essence of how the virgin can offer comfort and solace. So I’ve I’ve
I’ve got nothing against him personally, he’s a fine chap. I just don’t think ‘Simply
Having A Wonderful Christmastime’ is really suitable for a funeral. Don’t get me wrong,
it would have been jolly funny if it happened to another priest. But it’s not easy to
concentrate with that going on. And especially not with all those those those women at
the back. Twelve widows! Goodness me! I’m not going to judge him, that’s that’s that’s
the Lord’s job. But I really don’t see how a man can have twelve widows!
BARMAN: Actually Father as I understand it Mr Cleethorpes never took a wife.
PRIEST: Well who who who were all those women dressed in black then?
56
BARMAN: Mr Cleethorpes never took a wife himself, but that’s not to say he didn’t
enjoy the company of married women.
PRIEST: Oh is that right? Well yes they do tend to have more to say then single girls.
Find single girls are always too preoccupied trying to be desirable. I should like to have
met this chap; he must have been quite a conversationalist if twelve married women
turned up in black for his funeral. Shame none of their husbands could make it down
though. Wonder what kept them. Not that we’d have had room for them I I I suppose.
BARMAN: Indeed not Father.
PRIEST: As for those ‘uniforms’ the pallbearers wore! Goodness me! You could have
knocked me down with with with a feather!
BARMAN: Not what one would classify as traditional I suppose Father.
PRIEST: laughs Well no! Quite! They didn’t look too thrilled about it either. Especially
that pretty one, what’s her name? Jamima? Julia?
BARMAN: Jessica Father.
PRIEST: Yes, she didn’t look solemn, or upset. She she looked… well, annoyed if
anything. Like she’d rather have been anywhere else.
BARMAN: I understand she is rather proud of her appearance.
PRIEST: Ha! Not not not too thrilled about being dressed up then! I have to say I thought
they looked jolly marvellous. Really brightened things up. Get a bit sick of black in my
job you know. Maybe I should suggest it to the Bishop! Ha!
BARMAN: Is the Pope busy then Father?
PRIEST: roars with laughter Yes yes! Good one! The Pope! Ha Ha! Marvellous good
wheeze! Oh look here comes one of the chaps I was talking about.
57
Alan enters at great speed. He is wearing a bright green and orange suit and a purple
curly wig.
ALAN: aggressively Where the hell have you been! I told you to find me the second the
wake started!
He grabs and drinks three glasses of wine from BARMAN’S tray and slams them back
down, he takes a forth glass.
ALAN: I’ve had to navigate my way through a gaggle of fucking widows to get to you!
He drains the forth glass and takes a fifth. Acknowledges the priest.
ALAN: Pardon my language Father.
PRIEST: Are you Catholic my child?
ALAN: No. C of E if I’m anything.
PRIEST: You can say what you want then, it’s not in my remit.
ALAN: Suppose the worse I behave the better it makes your lot look.
PRIEST: Ha! Yes I suppose it does!
ALAN drains his glass and takes the last one from BARMAN’S tray. BARMAN exits.
58
ALAN: Happy to help!
PRIEST: Bless you my child.
ALAN: The service was beautiful Father.
PRIEST: Ha! I would wouldn’t say it was beautiful. Bloody good fun maybe! And hard
to to keep a straight face, but not beautiful, good Lord no!
ALAN: I’ve been to Catholic services before, must say I don’t know how you get through
them without a drink.
PRIEST: We don’t! That’s the whole point of Eucharist!
ALAN: Yes but a sip of wine is hardly enough.
PRIEST: puts his hand to the side of his mouth Well between you and me I often slip in a
bit of voddy. Makes it more bearable for me and the flock.
ALAN: Sounds more Russian Orthodox than Catholic.
PRIEST: roars with laughter Yes! Bloody good one! Russian Unorthodox if anything.
Ha Ha! Got quite a wit on you there my boy.
ALAN: Thank you Father. I don’t suppose the Pontiff needs a gag writer does he?
PRIEST: Maybe, know any suitable gags?
ALAN: Why did the Church appoint a German Pope?
PRIEST: He got his towel over the balcony first! Ha! Oldest one in the book. You’ll have
to do better than that. Don’t know any Latin puns do you? As the late bishop used to say
they go down better then a drunk nun.
ALAN: My mind’s gone blank, must be Divine Intervention. Though I did write a poem
once with a Latin title.
PRIEST: Oh yes what was was it called?
59
ALAN: Carpe Mammary.
PRIEST: roars with laughter Very good, very good. Cracking good wheeze. Ha Ha! I
should like to read that very much. Not illustrated is it? Been lovely chatting with you I
must say, but best scoot off and offer a sympathetic ear to the to the mourners. Bloody
depressing stuff mind! I’ll be back later so you can cheer me up again! Ha! Carpe
Mammary! Goodness me.
PRIEST exits. ALAN slumps in a large chair. ALAN drains his glass and holds it over his
mouth trying to shake out the last drops. TREVOR enters dressed in a similar manner to
ALAN. TREVOR carries two glasses of whiskey.
TREVOR: Oh here you are! holds out drink to ALAN May I join you?
ALAN accepts. TREVOR sits in a chair next to him.
ALAN: Thanks.
TREVOR takes off his wig and drops it on the floor.
TREVOR: Strange day.
ALAN: Yes.
TREVOR: When they said there were special uniforms for us to wear I really wasn’t
expecting this.
60
ALAN: What were you expecting?
TREVOR: chuckles I don’t know. Pause Not this anyway.
ALAN: Has it occurred to you that this funeral was very well planned?
TREVOR: Well that’s Edwin. He was a joker all right, but he knew how to prepare a gag.
ALAN: I haven’t even made a will.
TREVOR: Many people our age haven’t. I could recommend a good lawyer.
ALAN: That’s not what I meant. Doesn’t it strike you as odd that Edwin had prepared
everything in such detail? Almost like he knew he was about to die.
TREVOR: You’re not suggesting Edwin killed himself surely? Edwin was far too strong
for that.
ALAN: I don’t know what I’m suggesting, just struck me as odd that’s all. I remember
talking to Edwin once about the difference between the Greeks and the Romans. He was
reading Polybius at the time.
TREVOR: The Roman historian?
ALAN: Polybius was a Greek held captive in Rome. One of the things he most frequently
chronicled was the difference between the cultures. It was the first time the two
civilisations had really been held up side by side.
TREVOR: What’s this got to do with suicide?
ALAN: The Greeks thought suicide was the height of cowardice. They considered it the
option of a man who was too pathetic to deserve any honour
TREVOR: I’d have to agree with them.
ALAN: Whilst the Romans, much to Polybius’ disdain, thought it was the height of
honour to gallantly take one’s own life before an enemy could emasculate you through
61
defeat, especially if it meant protecting your comrades. Nero’s advisor Petronius invited
his friends round for a lavish banquet. Instead of offering desert he slit his wrists and
dictated an insulting letter to the Emperor whilst he slowly bled to death. Pause I
remember Edwin liked that idea. He said he’d rather die then be a shadow of the man he
was now. We even joked about running a bath and bleeding ourselves dry because we’d
had such a good evening.
TREVOR: It was idle banter. Edwin wasn’t like that. Some people just prepare for the
future.
ALAN: Yes but Edwin never thought beyond his next drink, or next meal, or next girl.
TREVOR: People are different behind closed doors. I’m actually full of joie de vivre in
private.
ALAN: And I’m actually teetotal. I just don’t travel well, need half a shandy to steady the
nerves.
Long pause. Both drink.
TREVOR: I nearly slept with Jessica last night.
ALAN: I had no idea.
TREVOR: Yes you did you bloody liar. There are no secrets with us four. Not for long
anyway.
ALAN: Maybe you’re right.
TREVOR: It’s just like I’d know if you’d gotten lucky last night.
62
ALAN drains his glass.
TREVOR: We can’t hide anything from each other, the truth always comes out.
Pause
ALAN: Trevor I should really tell you something.
TREVOR: No please, let me finish. I nearly slept with Jessica, and I would have done if
it weren’t for Margaret intervening.
ALAN: So?
TREVOR: So! I didn’t stop because I wanted to stop; I stopped because I got caught.
ALAN: You were lucky. You should never underestimate the importance of luck It’s
often the difference between despair and elation.
TREVOR: What about justice?
ALAN: What about it?
TREVOR: Justice is the only thing I’ve ever believed in. It’s what’s governed my life.
ALAN: Justice is the law, this is different.
TREVOR: Call it what you want, maybe it’s justice maybe it’s karma; I don’t know. But
I do know that I’ve wronged, and I know there’s only one way to put that right.
ALAN: You know what you’re risking don’t you.
TREVOR: I have to do it. I promised Margaret I wouldn’t, but I just have to. I’m going to
tell her everything. Tell her I love Jessica. Tell her I love them both. If Edwin has taught
63
us anything it’s that we need to live our lives true to our nature. I can’t afford to die with
this hanging over me.
ALAN: Wait until tomorrow. It’s because of the funeral you’re thinking this way.
TREVOR: I have to do this Alan. I don’t know if I’m being cowardly or being brave, but
I have to do it. Thanks you for your counsel though. You’re a good friend.
TREVOR leaves his drink and exits. ALAN picks up TREVOR’S glass and drains the
contents. JESSICA enters dressed in normal funeral attire. She is carrying two glasses of
whiskey.
JESSICA: There you are, holds out drink to ALAN may I join you?
ALAN accepts. JESSICA sits in a chair next to him.
ALAN: Thanks. You changed.
JESSICA: It was bad enough having to carry the coffin in that abomination, I wasn’t
going to spend a second longer in it than necessary.
ALAN: I think you looked rather fetching; the wig went with your eyes.
JESSICA: Oh shut up you awful man. I looked totally ridiculous.
ALAN: All right then you looked bloody awful, is that what you wanted to hear?
JESSICA: laughs Finally, a bit of honesty.
ALAN: It seems very in vogue at the moment, I thought I’d give it a whirl.
JESSICA: Did I see you talking to Trevor?
64
ALAN: I don’t know did you?
JESSICA: You do your best to make conversation difficult don’t you?
ALAN: If I think it’s going in a direction I don’t like yes.
JESSICA: Good old Alan, never one for addressing the difficult issues are you?
ALAN: Well there’s no point in taxing oneself unnecessarily.
JESSICA: I knew I could rely on you.
MARGARET enters dressed similarly to ALAN. She is carrying two glasses of whiskey.
JESSICA: I should really go and thank the priest for the service.
JESSICA walks past MARGARET without looking at her and exits. ALAN drains his
glass.
ALAN: Yes here I am and yes you may join me.
ALAN holds out his hand into which MARGARET places the drink. She sits next to him.
MARGARET: How you feeling? Alan nods You seemed rather anxious earlier.
ALAN: Just tired I suppose, I didn’t get much sleep.
MARGARET: Yes, I’m sorry about that. You realise why I had to do it though?
ALAN: Yes.
MARGARET: And you don’t…
65
ALAN: interrupts Yes Margaret. I do think you were sticking your nose in. she bites her
lip But I also think you were right to. Who knows where we’d all be if it wasn’t for you
sticking your nose in where it wasn’t wanted. You should be pleased with yourself.
You’ve done what was right, not what was popular.
MARGARET: Thanks. I’m glad my nose stopped them. I know I’m hard on Jessica, but
it would have been awful if she’d been unfaithful last night.
Long pause while ALAN drains his glass
ALAN: I’m glad your nose was there to get in the way. Such a pretty little nose too.
ALAN pushes the end of MARGARET’S nose with his index finger
ALAN: Honk!
MARGARET: laughs Are you tight?
ALAN: Tight as a drum.
MARGARET: Well I suppose so are half the people through the next room. I’ll let you
off this time. I can understand people getting tight at weddings, but always seemed odd to
me to do it at a funeral.
ALAN: You’re the only person I’ve ever met who calls it getting tight.
MARGARET: laughs I’ve got to have something to make me stand out. I suppose people
drink anywhere it’s free don’t they.
66
ALAN: Probably why Mr Cleethorpes doesn’t look too happy, he must be picking up the
tab.
MARGARET: No he’s unhappy for a thousand other reasons. Didn’t you see Gerald
earlier?
ALAN: Edwin’s brother? No I presumed he wasn’t coming.
MARGARET: He barely did. He arrived after the service had started and left before the
coffin.
ALAN: No wonder the old duffer looks so grim. How long’s it been since they’ve
spoken?
MARGARET: Since before we met Edwin, well over ten years.
ALAN: It’s a beastly situation.
MARGARET: It’s a bloody disgrace. Fancy disowning the lad just because he’s queer.
ALAN: It’s a different generation, it’s hard for us to understand.
MARGARET: It’s no excuse. What difference does it make, it’s just about who you
fancy at the end of the day.
ALAN: It’s more than that for men like Mr Cleethorpes. It’s a betrayal of the family
name.
MARGARET: What rot! There’s nothing a child of mine could do that’d make me treat
them like that. Well, except vote Tory maybe.
ALAN: Edwin was a Tory.
MARGARET: Well anyway, it’s a bit much disowning the poor lad.
ALAN: Yes of course you’re right. Though by all accounts he had a better time of it than
Edwin.
67
MARGARET: Yes. Pause Hard to imagine anything bad happening to someone so full of
life. Certainly can’t imagine him being beaten like he was.
ALAN: Or being locked in the coal cellar for days on end.
MARGARET: He really did his best to destroy that boy didn’t he. Tried to suck every
shred of life out of him. And as for packing him off to boarding school…
ALAN: Best place for him considering.
MARGARET: I suppose so.
ALAN: There’s no point in hating him Margaret, Edwin overcame it, there’s no reason
why we shouldn’t.
MARGARET: Edwin had to love the bastard. We’re not handicapped that way.
ALAN: Still, it serves no purpose.
MARGARET: It doesn’t mean I have to be nice to him.
Enter PRIEST. His dog collar is hanging out on one side, his hair is ruffled and there are
lipstick marks on both his cheek and collar.
PRIEST: Good Lord! That that that Jessica is a most charming girl! Goodness me! Very
very very affectionate indeed! Having rather a better time than I thought I would to be
honest! To MARGARET Though I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure young lady.
ALAN: It looks like you’ve had plenty of pleasure.
PRIEST: laughs Yes! Ha! Bloody right I have.
MARGARET: I’m Margaret Harley Father. I was one of the pallbearers.
68
PRIEST: roars with laughter You you you don’t bloody say! Ha! I’m glad you are,
would hate to think you dressed like that off your own bat. What are we drinking
anyway?
ALAN: Scotch if you’re offering.
PRIEST: Top idea that man! Turns his head and shouts Barkeep! Turns his head back to
ALAN and MARGARET.
BARMAN enters and stands very close to PRIEST.
MARGARET: It was a very interesting service.
PRIEST: Interesting’s the word. Turns head again so comes nose to nose with BARMAN
Barkeep!
PRIEST jumps back alarmed.
PRIEST: There you are. Three scotches please.
BARMAN: Very good Father.
ALAN: Doubles.
BARMAN goes to bar and fixes drinks.
PRIEST: Yes! Why why why bloody not!
ALAN: The mingling wasn’t too bad then Father?
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PRIEST: No not at all actually. Spent most of the time comforting that poor Jessica. She
certainly seemed very very very…
MARGARET: emotional?
PRIEST: Yes, quite!
PRIEST sits with ALAN and MARGARET. BARMAN brings the drinks over then returns
to the bar.
PRIEST: Thank you. Yes very emotional indeed. Ah, here comes the third musketeer!
TREVOR enters forlorn. He walks past PRIEST then MARGARET then ALAN and each
time takes the drink out of their hands and drains it. He slumps in a chair next to ALAN
and stares off into space. Long Pause.
ALAN: Soooooo? How did it go? Punches him playfully on the arm
TREVOR: My marriage is over.
PRIEST: Are you Catholic my son?
TREVOR: Presbyterian.
PRIEST: Good stuff, won’t be needing me then! Walks over to bar and sits on a stool
Another drink Barkeep!
BARMAN fixes the drink.
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MARGARET: What are you talking about?
TREVOR: I’m sorry Margaret, I had to.
MARGARET: What did you have to?
ALAN: He told his wife. About last night, about everything.
MARGARET: Oh Trevor.
TREVOR: I’m sorry I couldn’t keep your promise Margaret.
MARGARET: Bugger the promise. God Trevor, what have you done?
ALAN: What did she say?
TREVOR: She wasn’t even upset. That was the worst bit. She was just so…
disappointed.
MARGARET: She can’t just end it like that.
TREVOR: She said the only reason we worked was because I was honest and faithful,
and that whilst I’d shown I was honest I’d also shown I was incapable of being faithful.
She said there wasn’t enough love in our marriage to get over something like this. She
said I’d never been someone she’d craved; all I’d ever been was ‘good husband material’,
and after this I wasn’t even that anymore.
MARGARET: What about your life together?
TREVOR: She said she doesn’t want anything. We’ve no children and she earns nearly
what I do. She said I could have the house. She said she couldn’t be bothered fighting
over it in court seeing as I’d probably win anyway. Pause It was so clinical, so heartless.
Pause. Sobbing I thought she’d forgive me, I really did. I thought she loved me so
strongly. Instead it turns out she never really cared at all. I was just someone good to
bring home to her parents.
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ALAN: Trevor.
TREVOR: shouting No! It’s fucked! Can’t you see that? To betray someone you love is
one thing. To betray someone you love and then discover that they never even loved you
at all is just… hold his head in his hands
JESSICA enters smoking.
JESSICA: Here you all are! If I didn’t know better I’d say you were avoiding me. Spots
PRIEST Hello Father. Blows him a kiss mwah! What are you all looking so down in the
mouth for. It’s not like someone died! Laughs hysterically. Pause Oh come on chaps,
Edwin would have thought that was funny. How’s about cheering up a little. Trevor why
don’t you recite his graduation speech, that’s always good for a laugh or two!
MARGARET: Jessica please.
JESSICA: Oh god, Miss Killjoy chirps up again. Sorry Maggs am I having a little too
much fun for your liking?
MARGARET: Trevor’s wife has left him.
JESSICA: taken aback Oh! Gosh! Pause Still probably for the best hey Trev. Plenty
more fish and all that.
MARGARET: stands up For God’s sake! Show a bit of compassion! Your friend has just
had his marriage break up and need I remind you that it’s all your bloody fault!
JESSICA: My fault? Don’t be ridiculous.
MARGARET: You destroyed him! You knew exactly what you were doing.
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JESSICA: raising her voice How have I destroyed him! Turns to TREVOR I don’t love
you Trevor, I never have and I never will! I wanted a fuck last night, not a future! Get it!
turns back to MARGARET sweetly There, is that a bit clearer?
MARGARET: You’re not the same person I used to be friends with, you’re so cold and
bitter. How can you even dream of talking like that? Loudly to ALAN Alan are you just
going to sit there and say nothing?
JESSICA: Oh yes why not turn to lover boy.
MARGARET: Shut up!
JESSICA: Turn to your darling unrequited sweetheart every time you need a bit of
support. I hate to say it, but you’re exactly the same person I had to be friends with all
those years ago.
MARGARET: You shut up!
JESSICA: Why don’t you admit it? Why don’t you just tell him what we all already
know?
MARGARET: yelling Fine! I admit it, I love him! I always have loved him and I always
will. But if you don’t shut you’re mouth this second I’m going to ram this glass down
your bloody throat!
JESSICA: calmly Well, there you go. All our dirty little secrets are out. That is except
one. Pause Do you want to tell her Alan? Or should I?
MARGARET looks from JESSICA to ALAN and back again
MARGARET: Tell me what? Alan?
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JESSICA: After you so expertly managed to save Trevor from doing something that
would jeopardise his marriage, that pathetic drunk and I did something to jeopardise
mine.
TREVOR looks up for the first time. MARGARET is shocked. ALAN is unmoved.
MARGARET: Alan? Is this true?
TREVOR: Alan? You didn’t did you? Please tell me you didn’t.
JESSICA: Well Alan? Did you?
ALAN stands up, slowly walks over to the bar and takes a bottle of whiskey out of
BARMAN’S hand. He pours himself a very large drink. As he begins to drink
MARGARET comes over to him and slaps the glass out of his hand.
MARGARET: You and your bloody drink!
MARGARET beats her fists on ALAN’S chest. TREVOR stands.
MARGARET: crying You bloody wretched, stinking alcoholic. How could you! How
could y… trails off
MARGARET sits on a bar stool next to PRIEST. ALAN pours another drink and walks
towards TREVOR.
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TREVOR: Is there a man left here I can call a friend.
ALAN: Trevor I… pause, ALAN looks at the floor
TREVOR: The great poet lost for words. Not much to say is there. He holds ALAN’S
head in his hands We’re all to blame Alan. We’re all guilty.
TREVOR kisses ALAN’S head and exits. ALAN follows. As soon as ALAN exits he enters
again walking backwards with MR CLEETHORPES following him.
MR CLEETHORPES: There you are boy! I want a word with you.
ALAN: Mr Cleethorpes this really is a bad time.
MR CLEETHORPES: Too right it’s a bad time, I’ve just had to put my only son in the
ground thanks to you and your swath of decadent acolytes.
ALAN: Please sir this isn’t the time.
MR CLEETHORPES: It never is for you lot is it? There’s always a party to go, a drink to
be drunk, drugs to be taken, boys to be buggered. You sir have made my life a hell.
You’ve corrupted my heir and sent him to his grave. The certainty that you’ll be burning
for eternity is scant succour.
ALAN: Mr Cleethorpes we all loved Edwin dearly and I can understand your grief, but
please…
MR CLEETHORPES: raising his voice Don’t you dare try and placate me with niceties
sir! The tongue of a bugger should not be allowed to speak! Your sinful hedonism has left
me childless. How dare you…
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JESSICA moves towards MR CLEETHORPES.
JESSICA: How dare you! How dare you say these things.
MR CLEETHORPES: You madam have not been addressed! And despite your attire I
recognise you as one of the clowns from that carnival of depravity earlier.
MARGARET moves towards MR CLEETHORPES so she JESSICA and ALAN are
surrounding him.
MARGARET: Is it so depraved to carry out the wishes of the deceased?
MR CLEETHORPES: When the deceased is a fine man of noble birth corrupted by
buggers and whores then yes it is madam.
JESSICA: You are the only one who ever corrupted Edwin. You crushed and stifled a
beautiful, brilliant man.
MR CLEETHORPES: I taught him discipline. I sought to save his soul.
ALAN: You sought nothing but your own selfish ends. Edwin was a god among men. He
spread happiness and love wherever he went.
MR CLEETHORPES: Please spare me the filthy details. I should never have sent him to
that boarding school. Thought it would build his character and teach him some piety.
Turned out to be a bastion of sods and drunkards.
MARGARET: You can’t blame Edwin because Gerald…
MR CLEETHORPES: yelling That is not a name I care to hear madam!
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JESSICA: You have a son.
MR CLEETHORPES: I am aware I have a son madam, but he has been sullied by a
brigade of demons and lies cold in the ground.
ALAN: You have another son, and you should be proud of them both.
MR CLEETHOPRES punches ALAN who falls to the ground. MARGARET and JESSICA
gather round him.
MR CLEETHORPES: So rotten is your soul sir that you insult a man at the wake of his
only son. To BARMAN You there, what’s your name?
BARMAN: Me sir?
MR CLEETHORPES: Me sir? Yes you sir? What’s your godforsaken name?
BARMAN: Clifton sir.
MR CLEETHORPES: Well Mr Clifton tell my wife to join me in the car immediately.
Every second I spend in this hive of wickedness does irreparable damage to my soul.
MR CLEETHORPES exits. Long silence.
PRIEST: I I I have an early mass in the morning. I should should should really get to bed.
He looks round at everyone It was was was a pleasure to meet you all.
PRIEST exits hurriedly.
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ALAN: You don’t think he left on our account do you? Or do all priests go to bed at five
o clock?
JESSICA and MARGARET haul ALAN to his feet and they all sit on the large chairs.
MARGARET: How on earth did he do it?
JESSICA: Who?
MARGARET: Edwin. How did he turn out so happy with that a father like that?
ALAN: holding his jaw It’s just… Edwin.
JESSICA: Come on, let’s go and get Trevor. I imagine he needs his friends right now.
MARGARET and JESSICA put their arms across ALAN’S shoulders as support and they
all exit. BARMAN begins to set out the café style tables and chairs ready for the daytime
custom (as at the start of ACT I SCENE II). While doing so he speaks.
BARMAN: Unfortunately that wasn’t the end of the evening’s drama. There was one big
shock left for everybody. Ridden with despair, Mr Mcleish had locked himself in his
bedroom seemingly wanting only to be alone. Alan and Margaret spent over an hour
pleading with him to unlock the door so they could offer him the comfort they shared so
naturally and readily in their youth. During this time Jessica was on the phone to Mrs
Mcleish. She tried to explain to her that any infidelity on Trevor’s behalf was totally out
of character and only occurred due her own selfish need to be desired. She confessed that
she planned to manipulate him the second she knew they were to meet. She didn’t ask for
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forgiveness, as she said she didn’t deserve it. However she stressed that Trevor did and
implored Mrs Mcleish to give him another chance. When this phone call was over she
made another one to her own husband. She confessed a string of infidelities to him and
made it clear she did not believe their marriage could survive with her behaving in such a
way. After ending this conversation she went upstairs to join Alan and Margaret in
offering comfort to Trevor. By this stage Alan had managed to force open the door. She
found the three of them together, congregated in the bathroom. Alan and Margaret were
standing quite still, embracing each other tightly. Trevor lay in the bath staring off into
space. The veins in his left wrist had been deeply cut and the warm water meant he bled
to death in minutes. The three friends spoke and slept little that night. Each consumed
deep in their own thoughts. All they could do was wait for morning and catch the first
train home; leaving their two fiends behind.
BARMAN returns to the bar and MARGARET enters with her coat on and carrying a
suitcase.
MARGARET: Morning Clifton, is my taxi here?
BARMAN: Not yet madam.
She sits at one of the tables.
BARMAN: Can I get you anything madam?
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MARGARET: No, no thank you. I just want to get out of here to be honest. It’s been an
awful stain these last few days, even before last night. All seems so silly now.
BARMAN: Very good madam.
ALAN enters with coat on carrying a suitcase. He goes and sits at MARGARET’S table.
MARGARET: Hi.
ALAN: Hi. Pasue Not really what I had in mind as a great tribute to Edwin.
MARGARET: No not really.
ALAN: Jessica is distraught.
MARGARET: I would be too if I were her. I’m not too happy as it is myself.
Long pause.
ALAN: Why did you never mention anything about us?
MARGARET: I was too busy trying to deal with other people’s problems. It’s a very
good way of pretending you don’t have any of your own.
ALAN: I know it almost seems silly to mention. But you know I’ve always loved you
too.
MARGARET: I know.
ALAN: Why did we never do anything?
MARGARET: I don’t know.
ALAN: Maybe one day it could still happen.
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MARGARET: What in five years time at another funeral?
ALAN: Why not, Jessica would be easy enough to nudge down the stairs.
MARGARET: smiles Yes. I think we need to sort ourselves out before we do anything
like that. I need to get myself right in the head. I was thinking about going to see
someone. What do you think?
ALAN: I think we need all the help we can get.
JESSICA enters with coat on carrying a case. She joins them at the table.
JESSICA: Morning.
MARGARET: Morning Jess.
JESSICA: Taxi here yet?
MARGARET: No not yet, do you want to share?
JESSICA: Sure.
MARGARET: Alan?
ALAN: I’ll follow on later. I just got a call from Mr Cleethorpes, he wants to meet with
me.
JESSICA: Hopefully to apologise.
ALAN: Well hopefully not to give me another thump anyway. Pause
MARGARET: Did you ever dream this is how we’d end up?
ALAN: In what way?
MARGARET: Well, so… unhappy.
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JESSICA: I certainly can’t imagine we’d have gone through all this nonsense if Edwin
had been here. All the tension, all the hate, the bitterness, the resentment just wouldn’t
have existed with him around.
MARGARET: Edwin didn’t take those things away, he just covered them up well. That’s
probably why we saw them so prominently when we went our separate ways. That’s
probably how we became so unhappy.
ALAN: I don’t think so. We’re not unhappy people, we’re just not kids anymore. That
life we lived with Edwin meant none of us ever got used to growing up, and I don’t think
any of us really learned how to do it properly. That’s why in one way or another none of
us knew how to cope.
JESSICA: That’s why I’m leaving Thomas. I need to learn how to live for myself.
Besides, he deserves someone who will treat him right. I just hope my girls forgive me
one day.
A car horn sounds.
MARGARET: That’s us. How about we try and meet up a little more regularly, and
under better circumstances.
JESSICA: I’d like that.
ALAN: Me too.
JESSICA: Goodbye Clifton.
MARGARET: Goodbye.
BARMAN: Goodbye .
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JESSICA and MARGARET kiss ALAN on the cheek and exit.
ALAN: I should think about making a move myself.
BARMAN: Care for a drink before you go sir?
ALAN: Please.
BARMAN brings over a glass of whiskey on a tray and puts it on the table. He stands next
to ALAN. ALAN reaches into his inside pocket and pulls out a packet of cigarettes, he
puts one in his mouth. He looks in several pockets for matches and pulls out a note.
ALAN: What’s this? Removes the cigarette. He reads the note to himself. It’s from
Trevor.
He hands the note to BARMAN who reads it to himself.
BARMAN: Whatever does it mean sir?
ALAN: smiles It means the Romans were right.
BARMAN: sir?
ALAN stands and moves over to the door.
BARMAN: Your drink sir?
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ALAN walks back to the table and picks up the glass. He holds it for a few seconds then
puts it on BARMAN’S tray.
ALAN: I’m trying to cut down.
ALAN walks over to the door and exits.
Curtain falls.
END
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