Listening Skills
General Information
Context:
The most difficult leap in negotiations (or in most
discussions, for that matter), is to get past positions (what
someone is saying) to understanding their interests (why
they are saying it). Yet understanding interests is critical to
effective dialogue. The single most effective way to
accomplish this leap is to listen – truly listen – to the
speaker. Listening at depth is not an easy skill, especially in
many western cultures where power seems to be associated
with how much is said (and sometimes with how loudly).
Objective:
To offer two skill-sets for listening: active listening, which is
a set of ground rules for polite, constructive discourse; and
transformative listening, which allows for deeper work,
useful especially when powerful emotion is present.
Part 1: Active Listening
Context:
In advance of any formal or informal negotiations, it is worth talking
in a group about ground rules. These should be suggested by the
participants (although an instructor/facilitator can help with
suggestions), adopted by consensus, and posted in a visible place as a
“touch-stone” document.
Example:
1) When a group convenes, ask them for help in crafting a list of
ground rules for the negotiations. If typical, the group will come up
with a set similar to:
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One speaker at a time, signaled by, e.g. upturned nameplates, a speakers list, etc.;
Every speaker gets to finish uninterrupted;
No direct accusations; “generic” examples can be used
instead;
All should try to participate fully;
Others?
2) The next step is to focus on active listening skills, including (more
skills are listed in Table 1):
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Repeat main points. Repeat the main points of the speaker
(this lets the speaker know that they have really been heard, a
powerful psychological message, as well as helping to focus
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the dialogue);
Ask. Ask (non-threatening) questions. Useful both to better
understand the speaker, and also to reassure them that you are
really listening;
"I" not "you" statements. When speaking, speak in the first
person – "I" not "you" – setting a tone which is more reflective
and less confrontational;
Future, not history. Speak in the future or present tense, not
the past. This further reduces the possibility of accusations, and
allows for greater cooperation to build for a common future.
[In many settings, a period of venting of past grievances does
need to be set aside – that, after all is a main reason why some
negotiators initially participate. It should be done in as
productive a way as possible, and then put aside for the
duration.]
Paying Attention
- Face the person who is talking.
- Notice the speaker’s body language; does it match what
he/she is saying?
- Listen in a place that is free of distractions, so that you
can give undivided attention.
- Don’t do anything else while you are listening.
Eliciting
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Make use of “encourages” such as “Can you say more
about that?” or “Really?”
Use a tone of voice that conveys interest.
Ask open questions to elicit more information.
Avoid overwhelming the speaker with too many
questions.
Give the speaker a chance to say what needs to be said.
Avoid giving advice, or describing when something
similar happened to you.
Reflecting
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Occasionally paraphrase the speaker’s main ideas, if
appropriate.
Occasionally reflect the speaker’s feelings, if appropriate.
Check to make sure your understanding is accurate by
saying “It sounds like what you mean is...Is that so?” or
“Are you saying that you’re feeling...”
Source: Kaufman (2002), p. 220
Figure 1: Techniques of Active Listening
Part 2: Transformative Listening
Context:
When real emotion is present, classic problem-solving approaches to
dialogue are generally not practical. Water, as we have seen, can be
tied in to all levels of existence, from basic survival to spiritual
transformation. Often, water negotiations are tied inextricably to
regional conflicts, including in some of the most contentious regions in
the world, and negotiators carry the weight of those disputes with them
into the dialogue setting.
When a participant is clearly distraught, and “objective” problemsolving seems not to be viable, it may be worth stepping back for a
few moments, giving the participant the space and time to work
through their issue. In such a setting, a listener should take over (often
the mediator or facilitator), in a process of “transformative listening”.
Here, in contrast to “active listening”, the listener is not trying to
facilitate a healthy dialogue, but rather making him- or herself
absolutely present for the speaker to get deeply into their issues.
When real energy is present, it is NOT helpful to offer:
 advice
 reassurance
 opinion
 curiosity
 presence
Instead, be present entirely for the speaker, knowing that resolution comes from within.
Listen with an open heart;
Pause – the gift of silence;
Track or reflect (statements or open-ended clauses)
Only when speaker’s energy allows (stop if grief or mourning; just be present)...
Ask permission
Offer without insistence
Check for completeness
Listening
Good listening is more difficult than we think. Listening seems to be a very easy thing to
do. In reality we think we listen, but we actually hear only what we want to hear! This is
not a deliberate process, it is almost natural. Listening carefully and creatively (picking
out positive aspects, problems, difficulties and tensions) is the most fundamental skill for
facilitation. Therefore, we should try to understand what can hinder it, in order to
improve our skills. Listed below are so-called barriers to listening that may prevent
effective and supportive listening. Being aware of them will make it easier to overcome
them.
Listening barriers
On-off listening
This unfortunate listening habit comes from the fact that most people think about four
times faster than the average person can speak. Thus the listener has about three to four
minutes of ‘spare thinking time’ for each minute of listening. Sometimes the listener
may use this extra time to think about her or his own personal affairs and troubles instead
of listening, relating and summarizing what the speaker has to say. This can be
overcome by paying attention to more than just the speech, but also watching body
language like gestures, hesitation etc.
Red-flag listening
To some people, certain words are like a red flag to a bull.
When they hear them, they get upset and stop listening. These terms may vary for every
group of participants, but some are more universal such as “tribal”, “black”, “capitalist”,
and “communist” etc. Some words are so ‘loaded’ that the listener tunes out immediately.
The speaker loses contact with her or him and both fail to develop an understanding of
the other.
Open ears – closed mind listening
Sometimes ‘listeners’ decide quite quickly that either the subject or the speaker is boring,
and what is being said makes no sense. Often they jump to the conclusion that they can
predict what the speaker will say and then conclude that there is no reason to listen
because they will hear nothing new if they do.
Glassy-eyed listening
Sometimes ‘listeners’ look at people intently, and seem to be listening, although their
minds may be on other things. They drop back into the comfort of their own thoughts.
They get glassy-eyed, and often a dreamy or absent-minded expression appears on their
faces. If we notice many participants looking glassy-eyed in sessions, we have to find an
appropriate moment to suggest a break or change in pace.
Too-deep-for-me listening
When listening to ideas that are too complex and complicated, we often need to force
ourselves to and to understand it. Listening and understanding what the person is saying
might result in us finding the subject and the speaker quite interesting.
Often if one person does not understand, others do not either, and it can help the group to
ask for clarification or an example if possible.
Don’t-rock-the-boat listening
People do not like to have their favorite ideas, prejudices and points of view overturned
and many do not like to have their opinions challenged. So, when a speaker says
something that clashes either with what the listener thinks or believes in, then s/he may
unconsciously stop listening or even become defensive. Even if this is done consciously,
it is better to listen and find out what the speaker thinks first, in order to understand his or
her position fully. Responding constructively can be done later.
Do’s and don’ts of listening
When listening we should try
to do the following:
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show interest
be patient
be understanding
be objective
express empathy
search actively for meaning
help the speaker develop
competence and motivation in
formulating thoughts, ideas and
opinions
cultivate the ability to be silent
when silence is necessary
When listening we should
avoid doing the following:
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pushing the speaker
arguing
interrupting
passing judgment too quickly
in advance
giving advice unless it is
requested by the other person
jumping to conclusions
letting the speaker’s emotions
affect own too directly