Version: 2
Client Name: Jennifer
Essay Question:
Target School: Columbia University
What are your short-term and long-term career goals? How will the Columbia Business School MBA help
you achieve these goals?
Essay Type: Future Goals / School Fit
Actual Word Count: 969
Target Word Count: 1000
Second Submission of Essay with Editor’s Comments:
I have always been told to figure out what you like to do and then make a career out of it. Eight years
ago, armed with this bit of philosophy, I set out to find out what I liked to do. [Comment 1] Before
entering college I realized that my interests lay in business. In college, my courses in business were
the ones looked forward to the most, and my business projects and presentations were the most
challenging and rewarding of all my undergraduate course work. So, it was easy for me to decide to
pursue a career in business when I graduated from college, leading to a career as a defined
contribution analyst.
Now, as I once again evaluate what I want my career to be, I am considering that advice again. What
do I like to do? [Comment 2] I enjoy solving problems in the areas of retirement services and defined
contribution plans. Retirement planning is important to everyone, and it will only become more
important as time goes on. In the next few years, after successfully earning my MBA at Columbia, I
would like to seek a position as a defined contribution analyst in an international finance organization.
Because of the excellent preparation Columbia will have provided me, I will immediately excel and
climb up the corporate ladder. [Comment 3] This is the best way that I can make an impact and grow
as a professional at the same time.
Eventually, I would like to expand my client base overseas, starting with the Asia, where the
foundation of the defined contribution is still very weak and unfounded. Certain experiences have
prepared me well for this goal. [Comment 4] I look forward to the opportunity to put my Chinese
language skills to use, possibly by first serving as an analyst in Hong Kong or Shanghai. After gaining
more experience in this market, I would like to my understanding of [Comment 5] both the Chinese
and American cultures to use by starting a practice that serves businesses that operate in both
markets. As the Chinese economy grows and China grows in economic importance and
sophistication, I expect that this will be come an even more attractive opportunity over time, and I will
be perfectly positioned to take advantage of it.
With those plans in mind, I am confident that now is the right time for me to earn my MBA. As a
defined contribution analyst with Anderson & Stevens and The Johnson Companies for the past two
and a half years, I have developed a solid foundation in teamwork, analytical and problem solving
skills. As a junior member of a small team, I am able to the contribute to the group in several ways
including, managing and accurately completing multiple requests with short turnaround times,
gathering and conveying information from client, collecting and calculating data, maintaining
databases, and strengthening my own foundation of knowledge to be used as a resource. What I
have found especially satisfying is using my analytical and quantitative skills to find solutions that not
everyone else may be able to find. [Comment 6]
Now that I have these hard skills in place, I would now like to work more on developing the
management skills necessary to achieve my longer-term career goals. This includes all facets of
running a business. By attending Columbia Business School, I will gain exposure to both theories
and practices in the world’s financial centers. I will attain a deeper understanding of management
concepts and be able to apply those concepts to real life situations on the job. [Comment 7]
I have seen first-hand the difference between effective and ineffective managers. The managers who
are most effective seem to have the proper balance of power and compassion. [Comment 8] Their
teams listen to them and carry out their directions, but not because they have to. They do it because
they trust the leader and want to help the team succeed. I want to learn more about this balance at
Columbia. Only in this way, will I be able to lead a team of people to realizing the goals of the firm.
Furthermore, an effective manager in the 21st century must be well-versed in international business.
While I have gained some international exposure in my current role, I know that there is still a great
deal more than I need to learn before I can achieve my dream of building a business in the Asia
market. The programs and resources that Columbia offers in international business will help me to
bolster my knowledge in this area. I would love to have the chance to participate in the Chazen
Institute’s exchange program with a partner school, especially the Chinese University of Hong Kong.
Not only would I learn a lot by participating in this program, but I am also confident that I could teach
my fellow students the things that I have learned in my previous Chinese studies. [Comment 9]
Also, given the fact that I want to one day pursue a life of entrepreneurship, I am interested
[Comment 10] in Columbia’s emphasis on this area. While I do not plan on launching my new venture
immediately after school, I would like to participate in the Columbia Entrepreneurs Organization or
compete with a team in a business plan competition. There are so many bright students attending
Columbia from all over the globe, I am excited about exploring the idea of entrepreneurship with
them.
My professional experiences thus far have enabled me to learn a great deal while reaching my
aggressive professional goals. I know I will maintain the personal dedication and hard work
necessary to achieve even greater goals in the next ten years. These diverse experiences have
prepared me well to receive an education from Columbia. And, an MBA from Columbia will
undoubtedly help me reach the goals that I have laid out for myself for the next ten years and
beyond. [Comment 11]
Content:
This version is much stronger! Great job! You have really improved the flow of the essay. You’ve also
answered the essay question much more directly, and left out a lot of the extraneous material about
your past experience.
I also like how you kept the “make a career out of doing what you like” theme and turned it into your
essay’s introduction. It’s much more of an attention-grabber this way.
I just have a few remaining suggestions:
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In paragraph two, your comment about climbing the corporate ladder seems odd. It sounds
like you expect to immediately shoot up through the organization, which may seem
unrealistic to the admissions committee. They may wonder if you understand what exactly
you’ll get from a Columbia MBA or if you realize how much time and effort you will have to
put into your new job. It also makes you sound maybe a little too ambitious. Consider
revising it to something more like “Columbia will help me make a quick impact on my
organization.”
In paragraph three, you refer to “certain experiences” that have prepared you for a career in
Asia. What are these experiences? You can’t afford to go into too much detail, but I
recommend spelling this out a little more specifically.
In paragraph five, you mention “all facets” of running a business. Here’s a good chance to
get a little more specific to show exactly what you want to get out of a Columbia MBA.
The final paragraph is pretty similar to what you had before. While it’s not bad, you can
probably improve it by adjusting it to bring back a few more of the ideas that you
communicate earlier in the essay.
Content Rating: 4 (out of 5)
Parameters / Structure:
The flow of the essay is much stronger now. The only suggestion I have is to review paragraph six
(that starts “I have seen first-hand the difference…”). It seems like a slightly odd transition from the
previous paragraph. The idea that you communicate in this paragraph is good, but give it another
look and think about how you can blend it in better with the previous paragraph.
Parameters / Structure Rating: 5 (out of 5)
Grammar:
You have done a good job of cleaning up the grammar and fixing typos. Just make sure to give it at
least one more read-through, ideally after you’ve been able to put the essay down for a few days.
That way you’ll be able to review it with a fresh pair of eyes.
There are two typos that I noticed:
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Paragraph three: “After gaining more experience in this market, I would like to ____ my
understanding of both the Chinese and American cultures to use by starting a practice that
serves businesses that operate in both markets.” (You’re missing the word “put” in there.)
Paragraph eight: “Also, given the fact that I want to one day pursue a life of
entrepreneurship, I am interest in Columbia’s emphasis on this area.”
Grammar Rating: 4 (out of 5)
Use of “Situation, Action, Result” format (if applicable):
As I mentioned last time, this is not really a SAR-type essay. So, no need to include it here, but be
sure to use it in your other essays. And remember, be specific about your actions whenever you can!
Reflection on Target School:
You’ve done a much better job of highlighting specifics that show why you are interested in
Columbia. Your mention of the exchange program is a great fit with your overall story in this essay.
Your mention of the entrepreneurship club seems like a little less of a perfect fit because you have
fewer specifics to draw upon as evidence of the fit. If you can provide more specifics of how you
would get involved and why (like you did with the exchange program), that would be even better. But,
overall you did a good job here.
Reflection on Background:
It’s good that you called out your analytical/quantitative skills a little more in this version. You
obviously don’t want to get too far from answering the essay question by including extraneous
details, but if you can provide one or two specifics to provide evidence for your quantitative skills, that
would be even better.
While your finance background is still fairly standard, I imagine that not many applicants from that
field speak Chinese or have international entrepreneurial ambitions. In this essay you did a better job
of highlighting these to bring out your uniqueness. Great job!
Rating Descriptions
Category
Rating
4-5
Content
3
1-2
Description
The essay adequately answers all elements of the essay
and utilizes a fitting experience / example for the question
at hand.
The essay does not completely address the essay and / or
the experience / example used is not compelling.
The essay fails to adequately answer a critical portion of
the essay and does not use a fitting experience / example
for the question at hand.
4-5
Grammar
3
1-2
4-5
Structure
3
1-2
The essay has minimal grammar flaws, including syntax,
sentence structure and use of idioms.
The essay exhibits grammar flaws that should be
addressed, but do not affect “readability”.
The essay exhibits grammar flaws that detract from the
essay and do affect “readability”.
The essay flows well, is concise and meets the word limit
criterion.
The essay surpasses the word limit by a noticeable margin
and the essay would benefit from structural improvement.
The essay is difficult to follow and the main points of the
essay are difficult to extract.