Prof. Millie Roqueta .
Chapter 8
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
1. The ingredients of close relationships
2. Culture and relationships
3. The Internet and relationships
4. Initial encounters
5. Getting acquainted
6. Established relationships
7. What makes a good friend
8. Gender differences in friendships
9. Myths about romantic love
10. Sexual orientation and love
11. Gender differences regarding love
12. Theories of love
13. The course of romantic love
Ingredients of
Close
Relationships
Close relationships are those that are important, interdependent, and long lasting.
1. Close relationships have the capacity to arouse intense feelings - both positive ( passion , concern , caring ) and negative ( rage , jealousy , despair ).
2. Close relationships come in many forms: those with family members , friends , co-workers , romantic relationships , marriage .
3. While many close relationships are based on mutual, intimate self-disclosure, many are not.
Culture and
Relationships
1. Romantic love is experienced in most cultures, however, cultures vary in their emphasis on romantic love as a prerequisite for marriage .
2. Emphasis on love as prerequisite for marriage is unique to
Western culture (i.e., individualistic cultures).
3. People in collectivist cultures tend to value romantic love less. Marriages arranged by families and other go-betweens remain common in cultures high in collectivism, including
India, Japan and China.
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The Internet and
Relationships
1. Meeting prospective friends and romantic partners used to be limited to school, work, and church settings.
2. Then came the “bar scene”, personal ads in newspapers, singles mixers, and video dating services.
3. More recently, the Internet (newsgroups, chat rooms, e-mail) has dramatically expanded opportunities for people to develop friendships.
4. While the Internet offers a wealth of new opportunities to interact for those normally separated because of geography , physical infirmity , or social anxiety , it also makes it easy for dishonest or dangerous individuals to take advantage of others. As a result, it is important to exercise caution in revealing personal information online.
5. Virtual relationships are just as intimate and are sometimes even closer.
6. Online, people rely on self-disclosure , so similarity of interests and values kicks in earlier and assumes more power than it does in face-to-face relationships.
Initial Encounters
What draws two strangers together? Three factors stand out: proximity , familiarity , and physical attractiveness :
1. Proximity: geographic, residential, and other forms of spatial closeness. a. Generally, people become acquainted with, and attracted to, those who live, work, or play nearby. b. Research findings support importance of proximity.
2. Familiarity a. Mere exposure effect: an increase in positive feelings toward a novel stimulus (person) based on frequent exposure to it. b. The more familiar a person is, the more you will like him/her. c. But, if your initial reaction was negative, increased exposure will intensify the dislike.
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3. Physical attractiveness a. Physical attractiveness plays a major role in initial encounters . b. Attractiveness is a key factor in dating and friendships.
People, especially males , prefer attractiveness in their same- and other-gender friends. c. Women claim attractiveness is less important to them, however, researchers have found that when it comes to their behavior , women are as influenced by physical attractiveness as men are. Women tend to downplay this fact in their self-reports. d. Heterosexuals and homosexuals probably do not differ in the importance they place on the physical attractiveness of prospective dating partner. e. Results of cross-cultural study indicate that personal qualities such as kindness-warmth, and intelligence were ranked higher than physical attractiveness.
4. What makes someone attractive ?
a. Researchers who study attractiveness focus almost exclusively on facial features and physique . Both are important in perceived attractiveness. b. However, an unattractive body is generally seen as a greater liability than an unattractive face. c. In men: broad shoulders, slim waist and legs, small buttocks, and height are seen as attractive. Facial features that are seen as attractive in men are a strong jaw and a broad forehead, although some men with softer and finer features are also rated attractive. d.
In women: an average weight with an “hourglass” figure and medium sized breasts are rated high in attractiveness. Facial features that are seen as attractive are large eyes, prominent cheekbones, a small nose, and full lips. e. Because our culture particularly values attractiveness in females, being physically attractive appears to be more important for females than for males.
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5. Matching up on looks a. Fortunately, a person does not have to be very good looking in order to enjoy a rewarding social life. People apparently take into consideration their own level of attractiveness in the process.
b. Matching hypothesis theory proposes that people of similar levels of physical attractiveness gravitate toward each other. c. Dating and married couples tend to be similar in physical attractiveness.
6. Resource exchange (see Figure 8.5) a. Contradicting the matching hypothesis , studies have shown that for men physical attractiveness is more important than occupational status, whereas for women occupational status is more important than physical attractiveness. b. Evolutionary social psychologists suggest that findings reflect gender differences in reproductive strategies .
Men are required to invest little in the production of offspring beyond the act of copulation, whereas women have to invest 9 months in pregnancy and devote at least several additional years to caregiving.
Getting
Acquainted
Is there any way to predict which relationships will succeed? Three factors may shed some light on this important question: reciprocal liking , perceived similarity , and desirable personality characteristics :
1. Reciprocal liking refers to liking those who show they like you. a. Many studies have demonstrated that if you believe another person likes you, you will like him or her. b. The self-fulfilling prophecy applies: if you believe they like you, you behave in ways that encourage person to respond positively. c. Research evidence indicates that playing "hard to get" is not an advisable strategy. d. There is a preference for individuals who are moderately selective in their liking for others. People who like everyone are seen as having no standards , those who like very few, are seen as arrogant.
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2. Similarity a. Despite increasing diversity in the U.S., similarity continues to play a key role in attraction. b. The similarity principle operates in both friendships and romantic relationships regardless of sexual orientation. c. Heterosexual married and dating couples tend to be similar in: demographic characteristics such as age, race, religion, socioeconomic status, and education; physical attractiveness , intelligence , attitudes , and personality . d. Similarity in certain attitudes promotes liking . e. Regarding personality characteristics, people with similar needs (for example, both high or both low on the need for affiliation) are more likely to be attracted to each other than are those with dissimilar or complementary needs
(one high and one low on affiliation needs). f. There is some evidence that people with similar att achment styles are attracted to each other. g. Of course, sometimes opposites do attract, however, similarity is more often the rule, especially in the long term.
3. Desirable personality characteristics a. Studies suggest most sought after qualities are kindness , consideration , honesty , and humor . b. Personal qualities generally are rated as more important than physical characteristics for long-term relationships.
Established
Relationships
1. Maintaining ongoing relationships (see Figure 8.8) a. Relationship maintenance involves the actions and activities used to sustain the desired quality of a relationship. b. Many activities are included in relationship maintenance, including minding, an active process that involves self-disclosure and other relationshipenhancing attitudes and skills and should continue throughout the course of the relationship. c. A high degree of minding involves: (1) using good listening skills, (2) having detailed knowledge about your partner’s opinions, (3) making generally positive attribut ions for your partner’s behaviors, (4)
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Prof. Millie Roqueta expressing feelings of trust and commitment, (5) recognizing your partner’s support and effort, and (6) having an optimistic view of the future of the relationship. d. A low degree of minding involves: (1) a lack of inte rest in your partner’s self-disclosures, (2) generally negative attributions for your partner’s behavior, (3) dwelling on your partner’s faults, and (4) a pessimistic view of the future of the relationship.
2. Relationship satisfaction and commitment a. How do individuals gauge their satisfaction in a relationship? What determines whether a person will stay in or get out of a relationship? One theory of relationship satisfaction and commitment is called the
“Social Exchange Theory”. b. Social exchange theory postulates that interpersonal relationships are governed by perceptions of the rewards and costs exchanged in interactions. c. Model predicts that relationships will continue as long as participants feel that the benefits outweigh the costs . d. Rewards include such things as emotional support , status , and sexual gratification (in romantic relationships); costs are such things as the t ime and energy that a relationship requires, emotional conflicts , and the inability to engage in other rewarding activities because of relationship obligations . e. Individuals gauge their satisfaction with a relationship by comparing the relationship outcomes (rewards minus costs) to their subjective expectations.
This personal standard of what constitutes an acceptable balance of rewards and costs in a relationship is called the
comparison level.
f. Research indicates that relationship satisfaction is higher when rewards are perceived to be high and costs, low .
3. Factors in commitment in relationships a. To understand the role of commitment in relationships, we need to look at two other factors: comparison level for alternatives and investments . b. The comparison level for alternatives is one's estimation of the available outcomes from alternative relationships. In making this comparison, people assess
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Prof. Millie Roqueta their current relationship outcomes in comparison to the potential outcomes of other similar relationships that are actually available to them. This helps explain why many unsatisfying relationships are not terminated until another love interest actually appears. c. Investments are the things that people contribute to a relationship that they can't get back if the relationship ends . Investments include past costs such as time and money. This helps explain why some people put even more in a relationship when it is failing. If they don’t they might lose all they have invested.
What Makes a
Good Friend?
What makes a good friend? See Figure 8.10
for U.S. and Figure
8.11
for cross-cultural findings.
1. Results of surveys suggest that loyalty is the heart and soul of friendship.
2.
Other important factors include unconditional acceptance emotional support , and letting friends be themselves .
,
Gender
Differences in
Friendship
1. In the U.S., women’s friendships are more often emotionally based , while men's friendships tend to be based on shared interests , doing things together.
2. Women's friendships tend to focus on talking and emotional intimacy , and they are more likely to discuss personal issues and feelings.
3. Men's friendships tend to be regulated by social roles . They are more likely to talk about sports, work, and vehicles than personal concerns.
4. Reasons for gender differences: a. Different pathways to intimacy ( closeness through doing versus closeness through self-disclosure ). b. Men may have less need for intimacy or may be socially conditioned against self-disclosure , which is a necessary ingredient for intimacy .
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Myths About Love
Since the 1970s, a number of interesting theories on love and romantic relationships have been developed. First, however, consider some myths about love .
1. Myth #1 : When you fall in love, you'll know it a. Often it is difficult to distinguish love from lust. b. People are often unsure whether or not they are in love. Confusion about romantic relationship is not unusual.
2. Myth #2 : When love strikes, you have no control over it a. This myth asserts that love is so powerful that people are totally incapable of behaving wisely once they are under its spell. b. This rationalization encourages people to act irresponsibly in matters of the heart.
3. Myth #3 : True love lasts forever a. Love may last forever, but don’t count on it. b.
It’s more realistic to view love as a sometimes wonderful, sometimes frustrating experience that might be encountered a number of times in one’s life.
4. Myth #4 : Love can conquer all problems a. This myth is the basis for many unsuccessful marriages. Numerous couples, fully aware of problems in their relationship (such as poor communication or disagreement about gender roles) forge ahead into marriage anyway. b. There is some evidence that liking your lover may be more important than loving your lover.
Sexual Orientation and Love
1. Sexual orientation: a person's preference for emotional and sexual relationships with individuals of the same gender
(homosexuals), the other gender (heterosexuals), or either gender (bisexuals).
2. Most studies of romantic love and relationships suffer from heterosexism : the assumption that all individuals and relationships are heterosexual.
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Prof. Millie Roqueta a. No way to know whether subjects are referring to same- or other-gender romantic partners. b. Psychologists don't know as much about role of sexual orientation as they would like to.
3. In the experience of love relationships, gender and identification with traditional or nontraditional gender roles seem to be more critical than sexual orientation .
Gender
Differences
Regarding Love
1. The stereotype holds that women are more romantic than men, however, the research shows the contrary - men are more romantic than women. a. Men hold more romantic beliefs like “Love lasts forever” or “There is one perfect love in the world for everyone.” b. Men fall in love more easily than women, whereas women fall out of love more easily than men. c. Women are more likely than men to say that they would marry someone they didn’t love . d. Women seem to experience less emotional turmoil than men when romantic relationships break up. e. Women seem to be more romantic with regard to expressions of love. For example, women are more likely to report physical symptoms associated with being in love. Women are also somewhat more likely to verbalize and display tender emotions .
2. Women are more selective in choosing a partner and may be more sensitive to problems in relationships.
Theories of Love
1. Triangular Theory of Love (Robert Sternberg): a. According to Sternberg, all love experiences have three components:
(1) Passion: the intense feelings (both positive and negative) experienced in love relationships, including sexual desire.
(2) Intimacy: warmth, closeness, and sharing in a relationship.
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(3) Commitment: the decision and intent to maintain a relationship in spite of the difficulties and costs that may arise. b. Sternberg describes eight different types of relationships resulting from the presence or absence of each of those three components. (See Table 8.12)
2. Attachment Theory of Romantic Love (Hazan & Shaver) a. Researchers who study attachment are interested in
attachment styles (typical ways of interacting in close relationships). b. Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver examined similarities between adult love and infant attachment.
(1) Findings suggest that early bonding experiences produce three broad categories of adult relationships: o Secure adults (55 of subjects)

Trust others

Are comfortable with relationships

Rarely worry about abandonment

Have long lasting relationships

Have the highest incidence of positive relationship experiences o Avoidant adults (25% of subjects)

Are reluctant to trust others

Are uncomfortable getting close

Have the lowest incidence of positive relationship experiences o Anxious-ambivalent adults (20% of subjects)

Are obsessive and preoccupied with their relationships

Want more closeness than their partners do and suffer extreme jealousy

Have the shortest duration relationships
(2) Research findings generally support this theory.
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Prof. Millie Roqueta c. Kim Bartholomew proposed a four-category model of adult attachment styles.
(1) Main difference between Bartholomew and
Hazan/Shaver modes is that Bartholomew's delineates two avoidant attachment styles o Fearful-avoidants

Avoid close relationships to protect themselves from disappointment

Have negative self-views o Dismissing-avoidants

Also avoid close relationships to protect themselves from disappointment

But they have positive self-views
(2) Many researchers have praised this model. d. Correlates of attachment styles
(1) Securely attached individuals have more welladjusted relationships.
(2) Insecurely attached individuals may have problems with low self-esteem, loneliness.
(3) Attachment patterns may exert influence beyond romantic relationships (e.g., attitudes about work) e. Matching attachment styles
(1) There is evidence that people with a secure attachment style are more likely to have securely attached partners
(2) Avoidants are usually paired with ambivalent partners.
(3) More research is needed to determine if these pairing patterns are present at the start of the relationship or whether individuals change their styles over time. f. Stability of attachment styles
(1) Adult attachment styles parallel those in infancy.
(2) But, some people can revise their attachment styles in response to relationship experiences.
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The Course of
Romantic Love
1. According to the textbook, research indicates that passion in relationships seems to fade over time. a. The pattern suggests that passion peaks early in a relationship and then declines in intensity. Three factors may help explain this: fantasy, novelty, and arousal. b. However, further research may be needed to differentiate between genders on this topic.
2. Why relationships fail a. Premature commitment – many couples make romantic commitments without taking the time to get to know each other. These individuals may find out later that they don’t really like each other or that they don’t have much in common. b. Ineffective conflict resolution and conflict management skills – the vast majority of couples report having disagreements, unfortunately, many people do not know how to deal with conflict constrictively. c. Becoming bored with the rela tionship – novelty usually fades as people get to know each other and boredom can set in. People have needs for both novelty and predictabi lity in close relationships and it’s hard to balance these. d. Availability of a more attractive relationship
– whether a deteriorating relationship actually ends depends in great part on the availability of a more attractive alternative.
3. Helping relationships last a. Take plenty of time to get to know other person before making long-term commitment.
(1) Self-disclosure is important
(2) Best predictors of long-term relationships are levels of commitment and intimacy b. Emphasize positive qualities in partner, relationship
(1) Actor-observer effect: the tendency to attribute one's own behavior to situational factors and the behavior of others to personal factors c. Find ways to bring novelty to long-term relationships. d. Develop effective conflict management resolution skills .
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Discussion Questions 1. There is some controversy over the value of doing scientific research on love. Do you think this is a legitimate or valuable research activity, or do you believe that love is a topic that is better left to poets and songwriters?
2. The textbook discusses the importance of proximity and similarity as factors in interpersonal attraction. Do you think it's possible that these factors go together in the sense that people who live and work near you are likely to be similar to you as well? Can you think of some examples from your own experience that would support this notion?
3. According to your textbook, there seems to be widespread agreement across cultures on what constitutes an attractive face. What kinds of facial features do you think are associated with physical attractiveness? Why do these features make a person more attractive?
4.
The expression, “opposites attract” suggests that people who are very different may be attracted to each other. In light of the discussion in your textbook of the importance of similarity in attraction, why do you think it is that opposites may be attracted to each other in some cases?
5. Most people have an idealized picture of the person they want or hope to fall in love with. Think about your own picture--what are the three most crucial qualities that you're looking for? If you are currently involved in a love relationship, does your partner possess these qualities?
6. What do you think of the strategy of playing "hard to get" in a dating relationship? Have you ever used this strategy with another person, or do you think another person has used it on you? Based on your own experience, do you think this is an effective strategy? Why or why not?
7. What are the most important qualities that you tend to look for in a friend? How are these qualities similar to or different from the qualities you look for in a romantic partner?
8. Researchers suggest that the passion in a love relationship tends to peak early in the relationship and then gradually fade. Do you agree with this assessment? Is it consistent with your own experiences with love relationships?
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9. The textbook suggests that men tend to be more romantic than women, which is contrary to the traditional stereotype.
Do you agree with this conclusion? Is it consistent with your own experience?
10. The textbook suggests that one reason relationships fail is the availability of a more attractive relationship. Does it seem fair to "bide your time" in an unsatisfying relationship until something better comes along? Do you think this is a conscious strategy for many people, or do you think this is something that could happen without one being aware of it?
Chapter Summary References :
Adapted by Roqueta, M. (2002), from Weiten, W., & Lloyd, M. A. (2003), Psychology applied to modern life: Adjustment in the 21 st Century . Belmont, CA:
Wadsworth/Thomson Learning.
Table References :
See textbook.
Websites :

Mental Help Net : This site contains an article by Dr. Richard Booth, entitled The Importance of

Understanding Loneliness. http://www.relationshipweb.com/ This site contains “First Aid for Relationships,” with links, forums, readings, etc. dealing with various aspects of interpersonal relationships.
 http://mentalhelp.net/perspectives/articles/art09963.htm This site contains an article by Dr.
Richard Booth, entitled “The Importance of Understanding Loneliness.”
 http://www.shyness.com/ The homepage of the Shyness Institute, headquartered in Palo Alto,
CA It features a large index of resources related to shyness and its management.
 http://helping.apa.org/painfulshyness/ The American Psychological Association’s “HelpCenter” devoted to shyness.
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