Name?Title?
Good kidnapping story. Climax is exciting & violent, but could have built tension before it. Good job
starting anew paragraph for each person talking.
LWO- Using punctuation in dialogue, capital letter and run-ons.
B/C 42+37= 79
Ashley is walking home from school. As she is walking, she sees a van pull up next to her. She starts
walking faster she can see from the corner of her that someone opens the back doors of the van, a big
man steps outside and starts walking towards her. she starts running as fast as she can. The man grabs
her and puts a cloth over her nose and mouth.
“Where am I?” Ashley shouted.
She looks around. She is tied to a chair. She tries to untie herself but a man walks in. He looks big, bald,
and scary. The man starts to walk in circles around Ashley
“Where am I?” asked Ashley
The man looks at her. He stares in to her eyes as if he could see through her.
“You are somewhere,” he answered.
“Why did you take me?” asked Ashley .
“You are Roman’s daughter?” Gilbert asked.
“Yes.”
“Well your father owes me 3,000 dollars for doing him a favor and he hasn’t paid me back in three
years” Gilbert told her.
“What is your name?” Ashley asked
“My name is Gilbert,” gilbert replied
“Now you are going to get me the money for us” gilbert said.
“What, How?” Ashley asked
“You will see, but we don’t need you right now” gilbert replied
Gilbert gets a cloth and covers her. she falls asleep.
“We need to call her father and tell him that we have her and if he wants her daughter back alive he
needs to give us 6,000 dollars.“ gilbert told his two partners
“You are going to leave the money in front of the dump, if you pull any tricks your daughter is gone” he
told Roman
Roman goes to the dump he leaves the money but he sees gilbert he pulls out his gun and starts
shooting he misses. Gilbert runs to the car and drives away
Roman gets an unknown call
“Hello?”
“You shouldn’t have done that”
“Gilbert you listen to me if you lay a hand on my daughter you won’t get your money”
Gilbert hangs up. Roman throws his phone *crack*
Ashley starts to wake up the she sees gilbert staring straight at her he has a knife in his hand
“Listen to me roman you better give me the money tonight or your daughter is gone”
“Okay this time we are going to meet at the dump again and you are going to bring Ashley”
That night they meet up but Ashley is nowhere in sight.
“Where is Ashley?” asked roman
“She is in the van”
“Well get her out”
Gilbert tells his partner to go get Ashley. Ashley is crying in the van and her hands are tied up and she
has a piece of duct tape covering her mouth.
*BANG* *BANG* gilbert falls to the floor; his partner runs to the van and drives off. Ashley runs to her
father, Roman hugs Ashley. They run to the car
*BANG* Ashley falls to the floor
Roman grabs Ashley
“ASHLEY WAKE UP”
“No you can’t die” cries roman
Roman looks around to see that gilbert was staring at him. Roman runs to gilbert *BANG* roman shoots
gilbert right in the forehead. Roman runs to Ashley and lies right next to her.
*BANG*
The ambulance arrives and leaves with four dead bodies