Communication is key in every relationship we try to develop and maintain
throughout our lives, for without communication there would be no basis for a
relationship. These two concepts are completely entwined. We have been studying
these things as two separate concepts up until now, however I am beginning to see
so many connections throughout our texts and class discussions giving evidence to
the fact that without a strong ability to communicate one lacks the ability to form
strong relationships, and if one cannot seem to nourish strong relationships then
one must simply not be communicating well. Communication aids us in every aspect
of life, and as beautifully stated by John Stewart (2009), “There’s a direct link
between the quality of your communication and the quality of your life.”
Communication happens in so many ways throughout the day: waving at a
neighbor before you leave the house, smiling at someone to recognize their
presence, or beginning a discussion with a friend. Interpersonal communication
however requires that, “…each participant has to be willing and able to talk and
listen in ways that maximize the presence of the personal.” (Stewart, 2009). It is
believed that each person is affected in an infinite amount of ways each day by the
systems that surround them. Urie Bronfenbrenner, a Russian-American psychologist,
wrote about this phenomenon in his 1979 theory of ecological systems. He categorized
individual’s environments into overlapping spheres based on the surrounding systems
that affected them. These four systems involve the different aspects of one’s life that
shape who they are, however what is important within each system is the communication
that takes place. The quality of interpersonal communication within these systems can
make or break the relationship. Interpersonal systems deal with the relationships that one
has with another person. Analyzing these types of relationships and the systems that are
created because of them can tell us a lot about ourselves as people, our ability to
communicate with others, and how these two things are shaping our lives.
In Andrew Bridge’s 2008 memoir “Hope’s Boy” we begin to delve into the
childhood of Andy, a boy with a somewhat dysfunctional upbringing eventually leading
him into the foster care system. We see his entire life through Andy’s young eyes,
including all the relationships that he developed, or perhaps more commonly, fought
back. One interpersonal relationship that I found particularly interesting was Andy’s
relationship with his foster mother. Andy’s foster mother was a strong woman who
fought her fair share of battles herself. She prided herself in knowing that she was doing a
good deed by caring for many foster children, however she wasn’t the most loving
mother figure a boy could have had. Andy was the exception in her eyes when she
decided to keep him in the home up until he aged out of foster care. She never seemed to
accept him as a “son,” but she did care for him as her own. Andy underwent a lot
emotional and verbal abuse during a sensitive time in his life because of the way that
Mrs. Leonard went about communicating with him. It wasn’t uncommon for her to
threaten to call the social worker to have him removed from the home, or to even hurt
him physically. Andy, on the other hand, never truly let go of the hope that his mother
would come back for him—which is understandable due to the fact that she tried and
tried again to keep her son. Andy distanced himself from his foster mother. He never
called her “mom,” never accepted her as his parents or even really claimed them as
family when talking to his peers. Their interpersonal communication was definitely
lacking.
According to our in class lectures, a good interpersonal system requires strong
interpersonal relationships, and exceptional interpersonal relationships require powerful
communication. Powerful communication involves several strategies that when applied
can open up an opportunity to create fierce conversations with people. Proper usage of
powerful communication requires a high degree of self-awareness, an attitude of selfresponsibility, intention bigger than self, and authenticity. When looking at the
relationship between Andy and his foster mother through the lens of powerful
communication it is clear to see that they didn’t have the most stable and functional
relationship. One key aspect in powerful communication is the ability to speak with
intentions bigger than yourself, however it seems that Andy’s foster mother wasn’t
necessarily hosting foster children with intentions bigger than herself. She cared very
much about the image she portrayed in the community, which is demonstrated by her
need to have visitors over to the house to show off her scrapbook of children she briefly
cared for. It seems that her caring for Andy, the basis of their relationship, was all to
satisfy her personal ego. How could Andy trust her as a mother figure when the very
foundation of their relationship was so questionable? Andy’s attitude also had a huge
affect on the relationship as a whole considering he never fully opened up to his
caregiver. In order to have powerful communication one must have an attitude of selfresponsibility, meaning that you are aware of and accountable of your own actions. Andy
was aware of his actions in closing himself off to his foster family, however I feel that a
lot of this is due to the fact that he placed blame on the state for taking him from his birth
mother. He also allowed his biological mother’s thoughts of telling him she will come
back as an excuse to never accept his new family as his primary family. His inability to
fully accept responsibility for his actions towards his foster family made it difficult for
any true, fierce and powerful communication to take place. Both Andy and his foster
mother were at fault in some way by keeping themselves from communicating efficiently
with one another, thus making it difficult to develop a strong interpersonal relationship.
Their dysfunctional relationship is an excellent example of what John Stewart means
when he describes how your ability to communicate directly affects the quality of your
life. Because they did not communicate well with one another they were never able to
bond and get along in the way that a more functionally communicating family would.
This lack of bonding distanced them from one another making them both feel unhappy in
their situation and therefore unhappy with their lives to some extent.
Relationships are definitely defined by their communication, and one relationship
on the other end of the spectrum in terms of functionality is the relationship I am
currently developing with my dyad project partner, Stephanie. We work together very
well as a team and have a very functional relationship due to the fact that we follow the
guidelines of powerful communication really well. I truly believe that one thing that sets
us apart from Andy and Mrs. Leonard in terms of good communication is that we are
aware or how we communicate due to the fact that we spend so much time studying it
and practicing good communication in and outside of class. As a team we mutually
respect each other and are extremely authentic. Another thing that allows for us to have a
strong interpersonal relationship is the fact that we are both hyper aware of ourselves—
we understand what pushes our buttons and have communicated with each other our
expectations from each other as a partner. Being authentic and true to yourself and the
means of communication as well as communicating what you want from the other person
can make the world of difference.
Communication directly affects our everyday lives, and the quality of our
communication determines the strength of our interpersonal relationships. Through our
study of what creates powerful communication and how we can do certain things to
support fierce conversations we can not only improve our understanding of other human
beings, but we can in turn directly affect the quality of our lives.