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Ariana Claudio
Mattie Smith
ERH-102-02
1 May 2015
Help Received: Cadet Brittani Jackson and Cadet Shelby Barkley Peer Review, Cadet Haley
Scott gave comments/suggestions on grammar and sentences
Becoming Aware With High Hopes of Improvement
“Writing should be a joy and a celebration, never work” (Bradbury). The notion that writing
should never be considered as work is a hard pill to swallow. In all my years of writing, the backbone of
improvement has been change. Change in my style, word choice, length. I view writing as work because I
never had an experience when I could sit down and simply write an essay without constant reminders of
what I may be doing wrong. In my last semester of ERH 101, I had trouble with being able to put words
to paper because of my relentless need for perfection. This caused trouble in the creation of drafts and the
addition of details/support to the essay. Since then, I learned to write freely following with many
revisions and drafts, still lacking in the latter of details and support. This weakness has been a consistent
problem throughout ERH 102. Essentially, the problem, shown through the instructor comments, stems
from the use of logos within my essays—transitions from shifting paragraph to paragraph and the
incorporation of details and support in order to lengthen essays.
Logos within an essay provides the reader with a clear and logical understanding of the elements
that are being discussed or argued within an essay. There are purposes of writing to include: persuade,
inform, or entertain. Without logos, the reader may not be able to understand, relate, or apply to the
knowledge that is presented within the essay. In terms of my writing, I do not provide strong enough
transitions between paragraphs. This aspect of my writing has consistently been brought to my attention
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throughout the both semesters of ERH 101 and 102. For example, I wrote a research essay arguing that
the benefits of a natural food plan, in addition to exercise, outweighs the potential consequences of
consuming diet pills in order to achieve weight loss. There was an instance within the essay that I
explained how some advertisements may be “questionable” and indeterminate in what they claim to do to
the body (Which Method Will You Choose?). Following that statement, I then began to explain the time
periods that people tend to gain weight, and how they correlate to when the most advertisements are
given. I never made a connection between those two points, causing my argument to be less
understandable, possibly leading to a readers’ confusion. This was brought to my attention by my
instructor’s comments that were written on the side of the paper. It was stated that because I shifted
between two topics without a transition to connect them made it so that the evidence did not connect and
the argument was not convincing. There was another instance within the essay that I used a source to
begin a paragraph and did not provide any background to introduce topic. The instructor gave the
comment to introduce the source and then transition to information.
In addition to lack of transitions, the lack of details in an essay can also make the argument of an
essay less convincing or reasonable to the reader. I have, over the years, built the habit of stating the
bottom line up front, which can be both beneficial and detrimental. My doing so allows readers to quickly
know what the essay consists of, but also can make it so that I do not have a sufficient amount of evidence
to back up my thesis. I have noticed that the amount of details or background that I give depends on my
interest in the topic. This was shown through a two prompts given; one during the semester of ERH 101
and one during the semester of ERH 102.
The prompt for the first semester entailed a discussion of how students viewed themselves as
writers. In all my years of middle, and high school, I had wanted to know how I could better my writing,
but I never took the time to reflect and work on it. This prompt gave me a chance to put time aside and
think about what I really struggled with, and what was holding me back from progressing. Going along
with what I mentioned before, I discovered that the only thing holding me back, the main source of my
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problems, was my own mind. I considered myself a weak writer because of the amount of time it took to
create just an initial draft. In this essay, “Awakening A Different Voice”, I found that as long as I allowed
“my thoughts and ideas to fall into place” (Awakening A Different Voice), writing itself would be an
easier task. Throughout this paper, I was so involved in pursuing the answer to the problem that my paper
was full of details and support. My thoughts were clear and concise which enabled me to transition
between sentences and also between paragraphs with ease.
Second semester brought a new topic, but the results were just as reassuring. It was an essay in
which students discussed their favorite outdoor experience. I lost myself within this essay because I
described me and my dad’s first camping trip together (Time Stood Still). Writing about it allowed me to
relive the scenery I saw, and all the emotions I felt during the two days. I was able to add descriptive
details and background because I connected with the prompt that was given. This was shown through the
instructor comments and peer review. The instructor stated that my transitions were well done between
each paragraph, and because I was able to emotionally connect to the prompt, it gave an “understated
grace (Smith)”. In addition, my peer noted that my transitions were good throughout, allowing the essay
to have a greater “flow”. The two aspects of transitions and details allowed for my true voice to be felt
while reading.
I realize now that although I used to view transitions and details as a minute factor in writing,
those two factors make a difference between an adequate and a strong essay. The three factors that make
an essay strong are ethos, logos, and pathos. Some factors may outweigh the other, but in terms of the
picture as a whole, I know now that there should be a balance between the three. I have been aware of
these weaknesses throughout both semesters of ERH 101 and ERH 102, yet have not changed my way of
thinking or made a conscious effort to change. Now that I am starting to learn not only why, but how to
fix the issues, I am confident in that I will be able to change for the better. I will continue to work on
transitioning between paragraphs so the topics don’t seem to jump from one to the other. I also will
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attempt to connect to each prompt in some sort of manner that way I can naturally apply details and
support to my essays.
Works Cited:
Bradbury, Ray. "An Evening with Ray Bradbury 2001." University of California Television (UCTV).
YouTube. 1 May 2008.
Berg, Frances M. "Health Risks Associated With Weight Loss And Obesity Treatment Programs."
Journal Of Social Issues 55.2 (1999): 277-297. Academic Search Complete. Web. 10 Feb. 2015.
Claudio, Ariana. “Awakening A Different Voice.” Lexington: Claudio, 19 September 2015. Print.
Claudio, Ariana. “Time Stood Still.” Lexington: Claudio, 4 February 2015. Print.
Claudio, Ariana. “Which Method Will You Choose?” Lexington: Claudio, 3 April 2015. Print.
Smith, Mattie. Virginia Military Institute Writing and Rhetoric Instructor. 4 February 2015.