Government Proposes New Reform to Remedy Chronic Epidemic
By Allison Armstrong
In an attempt to fix low self-esteem in young women, the government is requiring public schools
to administer beauty, nutrition and health, and fashion classes for the girls attending their schools.
Public schools will be given a new budget in order to accommodate these new requirements and
women and households with girls will be receiving tax breaks in order to help ease the burden that is
being a women in America in the twenty-first century. It is believed that low self-esteem in women due
to society’s impossible definition of beauty, is from a lack of knowledge and resources. Body peace for
women will now be possible with the help of proper training in the subjects that truly matter; beauty,
health, and fitness. This new system will be implemented in public schools in Indiana and if after five
years, proves to be successful, the reform will be required nationwide. The goal of this new program is
to empower girls and make them feel comfortable in their own, beautifully made up, skin.
Beginning in the first grade, young girls will be required to attend, along with their other classes,
beauty and nutrition classes. Beauty classes will teach the girls what beauty looks like and the magical
powers of makeup. The nutrition class will teach the importance of only eating low calorie meals and the
horrible outcomes such as cellulite if they were to indulge in fatty foods. Their lunches will be monitored
and they will participate in mandatory, monthly weigh-ins to determine if their lunch plans need to be
adjusted. In Indiana, starting in the third grade, students take standardized tests known as the ISTEP. On
top of taking the ISTEP (Indiana Statewide for Educational Progress) girls will be required to take
ISTOBAH (Indiana Statewide Testing Of Beauty And Health) where they will be tested on their
appearance and ability to determine what American culture deems beautiful. By the time girls finish
elementary school they will have established a thorough understanding of the beauty standards and will
be on their way to knowing what it takes to achieve those standards.
In middle school, the beauty and nutrition classes will continue, slightly intensifying. Instead of
taking regular gym classes these young ladies will be put in specialized classes such as Kim K’s
bootylicious workout and Beyonce’s thigh blasting workout to concentrate on specific problem areas.
Girls will take seasonal trend classes which will inform them of the latest fashion dos and don’ts and
help them to best dress for their specific body type. Once mid-September hits and that summer tan
fades, girls will be required to get a spray tan at least once a month or go to a tanning bed at least twice
a week but never more than three times because too much exposure to UV rays can cause cancer. The
health and safety of the girls is of the utmost importance when it comes to teaching these standards.
The school system and government is sympathetic to these young girls and realizes that this is an
awkward time for them; their hormones are all over the place, their bodies are changing, and they are
getting pimples everywhere. Girls will be allowed 15 excused absences a semester which they are
encouraged to take advantage of when even two coats of concealer can’t conceal a heinous zit. When
the girls hit puberty they will be expected to undergo laser hair removal because it will not only
permanently remove all unwanted hair, it will save the girls so much time and effort that they used to
put in to waxing and shaving. But what might be the most beneficial to these girls is that before they can
move on to the next level on the educational ladder, if they haven’t yet reached their target weight or
size, it is imperative for them to have bariatric weight loss surgery so they can start their high school
career as the best version of themselves as possible.
Once in high school, girls will receive their final and perhaps most intense lessons on what it
means to be beautiful. Just like how schools require vaccination records, once enrolled, girls will need to
show evidence of routine check-ups with a plastic surgeon to nip pre-mature wrinkles in the butt. To
keep raging hormones under control, the school nurse will administer birth control and estrogen pills
and who knows, it might even help them move up a cup size or two. To stay in control of their body
weight, girls will be asked to keep a thorough account of their caloric intake each day and how many
calories they have burned. They will be graded on how effective their eating habits are and if they meet
their weight goal of the week. By the time the girls are juniors in high school, if they have not exceeded
the cup size of “c” they will be required to see their plastic surgeon about a breast augmentation. The
same rule applies if even years of Kim Kardashian’s squatting technique cannot cure a flat butt. Colleges
have even begun to take the beauty factor into consideration so the SAT and ACT test makers are
currently working on a way to test young women’s beauty aptitude and before they are sent off to
college or the real world, they must complete one last test in which they are judged solely off their
appearance. They must take this test as many times as necessary in order to pass it because without it
they will not receive their diplomas. These girls will graduate high school, ready to face the world as
their brightest and most beautiful selves.
If beauty is taught consistently, in a structured environment from a young age, it can be
achieved. The government recognizes that being a woman in this day in age is not an easy task and are
prepared to help ease that burden if we just give this new program a chance. This country has been
plagued by the low self-esteem of women and it is an epidemic that must be stopped. You might be
asking yourself, “what if I’m already out in the real world?” well for you, do not worry. There is an
alternate GED equivalent program offered for those who have missed the beauty boat. The government
also realizes that we are not the only country with beauty standards to uphold. In order to keep a
competitive edge on the competition, in all aspects of the educational system, a team of researchers has
been hired to find popular beauty trends all around the world and decide if those could be useful in the
American society. Currently, research is being conducted on a new fad from China where people go
through excruciating pain by breaking their femurs and implanting metal rods to make them taller.
These researchers are currently working on a proposal that would require all women under the height of
5’4” to undergo this same treatment. The government believes this is a crucial step in the right direction
that will ensure the health and mental well-being of women across the country.