Yom Kippur Yizkor 5776
On holy days we remember loved ones who have
died. Yizkor is a poignant and tender part of our
observance. We miss our loved ones and yearn to be
with them again, but realize that we cannot. We can
conjure them up in our minds, but doing so is
bittersweet, because our real time with them is past.
We grieve for them because they no longer enjoy the
blessing that it is to be alive, and we feel bereaved
for ourselves for we no longer have the benefit of
their ongoing attention, love and support. We mourn
the narrowing of our lives through the loss of loved
ones, and each loss makes us ever more aware of
our own mortality.
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I rarely read obituaries, but while on vacation in
August I came across the obituary of Harvard
Professor Svetlana Goldberg Boym in the N.Y. Times.
She was a Jewish émigré from the former Soviet
Union and a brilliant and prolific scholar of
Comparative Literature. What caught my attention
was the description of her book “The Future of
Nostalgia,” which has a message that is meaningful
for us in this time of Yizkor, consecrated to the
memory of our loved ones. Professor Boym wrote
about the web of memory and mythologizing that
underpins the human longing for vanished worlds.
She explored these themes from the perspective of
someone who left behind the culture and the
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environment in which she had been raised, but I
think that each of us, when our loved ones die or
when we endure other significant losses, grieves
vanished worlds that we can never reclaim. Dr. Boym
grappled with the question of whether a past that
has slipped out of reach can be reclaimed by means
of nostalgia - and whether it should be. She identified
two types of nostalgia. The first, which she called
reflective nostalgia, centers on longing and loss, the
imperfect process of remembrance. The past can
never be reconstructed, and in consequence it
fosters empathy which can lead to a bittersweet
consolation. The other type of nostalgia Professor
Boym described is restorative nostalgia which tries
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to recreate the past as rigorously as possible
through mythmaking. She suggests that it is
dangerous when a nation in this way reverts to
overzealous nationalism. In a similar way we are
sometimes at risk if we over-idealize our deceased
loved ones in ways that make it difficult for us to
enter into new relationships and to move on
constructively with the time remaining for us.
Grief is generally a healthy process. It is the
continuation of our love for someone we have lost.
But we have to take care that nostalgia for the past
does not limit our capacity to engage in life going
forward. We mustn’t feel guilty about gradually
moving ahead with our lives. Survivor guilt helps no
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one. Let us tenderly remember those we have lost
and the lessons, both good and bad, from our
interactions with them, so that we may live more
effectively and more sensitively going forward. But
let us avoid building mental monuments that keep us
overly focused on those we have lost. Let us find the
courage to continue to live fully, grateful for the
loving relationships that death has ended, and with
hearts open to respond to those around us today
with empathy and lovingkindness.
Let us find strength and hope to move forward and to
seek constructive fulfillment for ourselves. Surely
that is what our deceased loved ones wanted for us,
as it will be our hope for those who live on after us.
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“May our bereavement for our loved ones who are no
longer with us lead to an expansion of our
compassion for all of life and of our passion for
holiness in our relationships.”
And let us say: Amen
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