David White
2/8/16
ENGL 481
M. Delony
Take-Home Final Part A
To His Excellency, the Most Revered and Wise Archbishop of Canterbury, Thomas
Arundel, who was chosen by God Himself to serve as the head of the Anglican Church,
Greetings.
I apologize that it has taken me so long to write you, but I wish to congratulate you
on your recent election to the position of Archbishop of Canterbury. I have heard some
drunk peons commenting in the bar late at night in hushed tones how you came by your
papal positions by the influence and wealth of your father. I am quick to reprimand their
cowardice and disgraceful talk and assure them that you have received your posts at Ely
and York and now at the esteemed Canterbury due only to your extensive schooling at
Oxford and your fullworthiness. You are the obvious choice for Archbishop and it is about
time the King, blessed be his head, realized it. I know that he will keep you in this role for
many years to come and that your wisdom will bless and lead the Church to a new era of
enlightenment.
Along with writing you to congratulate you on your most esteemed position, I would
wish to discuss with you this “poet” Geoffrey Chaucer, if such a title could be applied to one
so incompetent in the ways of writing. I have heard (once again from the drunk peons late
at night, so who knows if this is actually true) that you are none too pleased with his works
and are actually considering taking preventive action against him. I urge you not to! If this
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self-proclaimed poet wishes to write, let him. There are more benefits here than I believe
you, and certainly myself, yet realize.
I understand that you are quite frustrated with his portrayal of the clergy. How his
portraits of the good, worthy occupations of the friar and monk may infuriate you.
Especially that seemingly insulting tale that he wrote the Summoner spake of in which a
horde of friars fly out of the devil’s arse, buzz about Hell and then disappear back under
Satan’s tail as he closes it (TSP 1685-1698). However, I ask that you not be too hard on
Chaucer. I have met this Chaucer fellow and I must admit he seems none to bright. I am
surprised he can manage to splatter letters on the page! Likewise, I do not believe Chaucer
has enough imagination to come up with such a tale. Meaning that Chaucer must have
heard the tale of Satan’s tail from some outside source. Since he has a summoner tell this
tale of a tail, I would bet my annual pension of twenty pounds that he did indeed hear such
a tale from a summoner. If this tale is indeed circulating amongst the summoner
community about such good people as the friars, and if you are indeed truly offended, I
would stay your prosecution of Chaucer and instead focus on finding and silencing the
summoners that are responsible for bringing this tale to such people as Chaucer. As I have
said before, Chaucer is but a simpleton, a court fool playing at writing. I am sure Chaucer
put the tale in his collection because he believed the clergy community accepted it because
he heard a group of summoners laughing over it. Chaucer is but a poor fool. Do not punish
him for relaying a tale that he heard like a child who tells a bawdy joke to his parents.
I also believe you are reading more into his stories than he means to. Your
intelligence compared to his is like a grain to a mountain. Surely, he intended you no harm
and intended to write but simple tales. You flatter Chaucer by thinking him so intelligent as
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to write such things. Once again, you assume that people are as intelligent as you, which
they are not, my dear Archbishop. Very few are on your level of intelligence.
You no doubt fear that Chaucer is attempting to put ideas into the heads of laymen.
Pardon me, my lord, but I cannot but laugh at such a preposterous idea! If laymen are
getting anything from Chaucer’s tales it is only from their own devices. Chaucer’s tales are a
poor excuse for stories, let alone moral tales. Also, these poor dimwits don’t even realize
that Chaucer is making fun of them as well! They are so caught up laughing at tales such as
the Summoner’s, but they fail to realize slights against them such as are apparent in
Chaucer’s Miller. Chaucer describes the Miller as a man full of brawn (and therefore not
much brain, I would reckon) (TGP 546), as a man with an unsightly blemish of a wart on his
nose with a “toft of herys” sprouting out from it (555). The unintelligent man has a mouth
as large as a furnace and tells such low and base jokes that are common to this riff-raff in
the city (559-560). Have you ever imagined such a brutish oaf of a man? And these poor
fools- Pardon me, I must laugh again- They don’t even realize it as a slight against them!
They are so busy laughing at these one-sided and rather flat jokes to realize the true
meaning of Chaucer’s work. He means slights against them. He is really quite clever in this
way, dangling a slim, souring piece of meat in front of the dogs and from behind he is
lighting a fire to burn their tales. And the poor saps do not even see it.
Another such character that serves as a slight against the masses is this character
called the Wife of Bath. She is a woman who has been married five times and is seeking her
sixth husband (43-45). This amoral woman stands as a warning against women
everywhere. I do pray they realize Chaucer’s true meaning in such a character. This woman
has been married so many times and is a menace to society and the Church. This woman
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attempts to argue against such established theology and she does so rather poorly. She uses
such examples as Lamech (54) and Abraham (55) and Jacob (56) to support herself and her
multiple marriages. Such a foolish widow. It would seem each childbirth has taken a piece
of her brain for what other reason would she not realize that all of the examples she uses
are men and she is a woman. Surely, she does not think herself on the same level as men!
Once again, I repeat, I pray to God above that women everywhere soon catch on to what
Chaucer truly means to convey with this character.
If you, after all the consoling words that I have offered you, still feel threatened by
Chaucer’s mediocre works, consider this. To return to an earlier metaphor, while he is
dangling this slim, souring piece of meat in front of the dogs, he is keeping them from
coming after larger, rich meats such as yourself. I do not need to remind you of that
horrific, awful incident involving the peasant’s revolt a few years back. Chaucer’s work is
appeasing them; they are complacent to laugh at his mediocre literature (if it is even
worthy to be called that) and this will keep them from uprising again. If you have not read
his Tales yet, I recommend that you do. Skip over those base tales about the clergy, which I
will remind you are not his fault, and read of his hilarious caricatures of the general,
unintelligent populace. Even though his words are simple and one-sided and his tales
shallow, they are an entertaining read for such private times as in your private chamber.
Also, if the peasants realize Chaucer’s numerous slights against them in his Tales
and its characters, they will turn on him and no doubt do your dirty work for you, so to
speak. So, why not keep your hands clean of such base acts and let the peons do it for you.
As Archbishop, you have much more important matters to attend to than the punishment of
one silly, dribbling man. You are in a position where, as they say, you have a win-win
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situation. Chaucer’s works keep the masses complacent and content reading instead of
acting. And if things do indeed go sour and they turn on him, they will no doubt take care of
Chaucer for you and turn to you seeking your forgiveness for ever reading his dribble; an
event that will be most profitable to the Church and to you, my lord.
Once again, I must congratulate you in your acceptance into the esteemed position
of Archbishop of Canterbury. Spring is just around the corner and I shall have to make a
pilgrimage to Canterbury to see you soon.
With utmost and sincere regards,
Your dearest friend in London
PS- I have just finished reading another of Chaucer’s tales, one that is of some quality.
Surprisingly it has come from the same dolt that scribbled out these Tales. It is about a
fullworthy, strong, virtuous hero of Troy and his love for a fairest woman. The hero
reminds me of you and your courageous and unfaltering love for God and his Church. I shall
have to bring a copy of it with me when I come to visit you. If you cannot wait to read it, I
shall give you the title of it so you may find it for yourself. The name of the title is Troilus
and Criseyde.
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Works Cited
Benson, Larry D., ed. The Riverside Chaucer. 3rd ed. New York: Oxford University Press, 2008.
3-328. Print.