2nd August 2014
Contents
Going back is humiliating ..................................................................... Error! Bookmark not defined.
Prospect of going back to ancestral village:........................................................................................ 1
Prospect of living in joint family: ........................................................................................................ 3
Two sister-in-laws getting along ..................................................................................................... 3
Cousins living together.................................................................................................................... 3
Prospect of image dent with neighbours & relatives ......................................................................... 4
What will be Ram doing in village: ...................................................................................................... 4
Uprooting of children .......................................................................................................................... 4
Test of words with actions .................................................................................................................. 5
Mossy stone seems more rocky
Prospect of going back to ancestral village:
Ram was living in Singapore for 18 years with his family. In the 18th year of his stay, he had
lost his job and remained unemployed for 10 months. The chance of getting another job was
not getting any brighter. He was already 49. The hope of alternative income (e.g., business)
was daunting; he never explored it. In his family lineage, business has always been seen with
disrespect. To be fair to them, they possibly never heard of the term, “Entrepreneurship”.
Ram’s only son, Robin could not continue in normal school anymore. His deficiency in
intelligence was making it tough for all the concerned parties (school, parents and himself) to
be in the normal school. The school was putting pressure (to the parents) to withdraw him.
The school authorities had suggested alternative school meant for Down Syndrome children
wherein Robin could learn some life-skill to earn his living.
As a mother, Sita was unable to accept the idea of putting her son in school meant for Down
Syndrome children. Ram agreed. They were looking for a way out—rather a middle path.
Ram hoped that Robin would be allowed to remain in normal school near his village in India.
Their only daughter, Sheila was not doing well either, despite once being a bright girl. She
spoiled her own career by choosing to be misguided by wrong companies, perhaps. Some
trusted seniors had told her that there was no need to study in the 11th grade. They told that
one has to try hard to fail. She was at the bottom 5 percentile in her cohort in her ‘A’ level.
She was trying hard again to catch-up.
There was no point in continuing to live in the foreign country with so many miseries and no means.
After all, how long could they live on savings, that too in the world’s costliest city? But there was so
much baggage they had accumulated in their 18 year stay in Singapore! The emotional baggage was
heavier than the physical one, perhaps. Ram was not getting any job, even in India. So they were
planning to settle back in their ancestral place where Ram’s bother’s family was living with their
parents. That is the place where Ram was born, and lived till the age of 18. That is place where Ram
was visiting every year with his family. That is the place for which he used to become nostalgic every
now and then while lying down on his cosy bed at Singapore. He had expressed his wish (to Sita) to
be cremated in that place too. Contrary to Sita’s wish, Ram did not want to be cremated on the bank
of holy Ganga. He thought his village had more pilgrimage value.
But leaving their clean, spacious and secure 3 bedroom flat in Singapore for a typical Indian village
for good did not go well with their minds when they were faced with it, when the timeline was not
“sometime in future”. The fact that they were not moving willingly was also hurting them—
particularly to Ram. His ego was hurt. As the head of the family and the ex-sole bread earner he
blamed himself for inflicting the decision on the family. He thought that Sita was perhaps more
unwilling than himself. When Ram had proposed the idea of going back to Sita, he told it was mainly
because of Robin's conditions. Ram was hesitant to impose the decision on Sita with any force,
whatsoever. He treaded carefully as if walking tightrope. He didn't want to hear strong no. He would
rather hear a tentative yes. The way he proposed, he kept an option, however remote it was, to
reverse the decision. He told that if Robin could concentrate a bit, he would be able to cope up with
Singapore syllabus, and then things could turn around. He knew it was impossible, for it had been
tried before without result.
But in the very next day, he found that Sita forced Robin to sit down on floor to improve his
concentration. Ram felt for Sita. She had built a small but intimate friend circle. They used to meet
every Saturday when they used to drop their children to Bengali school. These ladies used to gossip
for good 4 hours. All of them were of similar background. They used to take turn to bring home
cooked food. It was kind of weekly picnic for the housewives.
Sita also had developed the exercise habit both in and out of home. Whenever she used to get spare
time while cooking (e.g., the curry is boiling) she would do a few Ramdev recommended Yogas. But
in the evening she used to run for good 1 hour. Ram knew that Sita would miss this because a
daughter-in-law running openly in the road would look very odd. Neither Sita or nor Ram was
courageous enough to face the criticism—direct or rumour.
After the seed of returning was planted in Sita, She had angrily told Robin many times that it was all
happening because of him. She took the going back as a punishment for bearing such a son. Their
bitterness was reduced when they heard a few other Indian families were also going back, and a few
more had lost job who would also return. But worries kept on popping up. Their worry was the
safety of Robin when he would commute to school. The people would know he was the son on an
ex-NRI and the boy was not intelligent, not smart.
When the time came to book plane ticket, Ram was emotionally distraught while booking Robin’s
ticket—one way ticket. Robin, being innocent, did not see the impact even when the mother
explained it by hiding her tears. Robin was exuberant like previous trips; he asked Ram to start
packing even 3 months before the trip date. Robin’s abdomen was squished, heart pained and eyes
welled. He could not believe that Robin would never come back to Singapore to see the home again,
its dining table, the clean children parks. He would find it very hard to dispose his bi-cycle and other
invaluable possessions of Robin. Ram did not want imagine any more things in Singapore that Robin
would miss in the village. When Sita left the home for buying errands, he let his tears come out, for
he did not have to be role model of other at that time.
Prospect of living in joint family:
Sita had done well to mingle with the in-laws during her yearly trip to her husband’s ancestral place.
She had always been liberal in giving gifts etc. Her in-laws have always appreciated her mindful
attitude to give gift to every member of the family, and even the extended ones. Sita gave gifts to
Ram’s sisters’ families and even their married daughters. She also did more household chores than
Laxman’s (Ram’s bother) wife, Moni during her 3 week stays in the place. She wore saree there. In a
word, she changed herself as a traditional village house-wife. For that the in-laws and even the
neighbours had praised. Some praised her even in the presence of Moni. Ram also remitted money
to Laxman generously. He, more and less, settled the life of Laxman with his business. The two
brothers had good connection and always wished well for each other.
But the two brothers’ families had never really lived together longer than a month at a stretch. More
importantly, both the families had all along known that they were going to get space except for
maximum of 1 month a year. Hence, they swallowed discomfort, if any, happily for a month. They
knew there was no point in bringing the conflicts, if any, to the fore. But now, with the prospect of
living together forever, the protocols had to be set right; the expectations from each other had to be
communicated. Assuming would no longer work. Some sort of rules had to be adhered to. This was
paining Ram who always gave freehand to his brother, and got the same in return too.
Creating space, boundary for each member of the joint family needed to be communicated. The
problem was the inertia to do that. But Ram was wise enough to know that it had to be done. He
had learned that in many leadership workshops he had attended. He was not sure if ever had
applied those in his job, but he thought he had to apply those in the joint family.
Ram dreaded at the thought of sharing family expenses formally with Laxman. He had all along
patronised him, and got credit for that. But he knew, in back of his mind, that Sita perhaps would not
like that. Sita would perhaps want more and more to be saved for Robin, knowing Robin would have
to live on endowment or by traditional Indian farming.
The pain of living with brother’s family could easily be eliminated by building another house just for
Ram’s family. Ram’s father had enough land, and Ram had enough money. But Ram hesitated. He
would hate to separate from his brother. He loved him and his children.
Two sister-in-laws getting along
The two persons who could be the worst impacted were the two daughter-in-laws of the house. Sita
was put in pedestal for last 18 years, and Moni was happy to give her that respect. She also gave
almost free hand to Sita in the latter’s month-long stay. That would change when Sita would live
there forever. Now their work would have to be divided.
Cousins living together
During their 3 week stay every year Robin and Sheila got the best treatment from Laxman, in
particular. Laxman pampered them despite displeasure of Ram. Ram never believed in too much
earthly enjoyment, exactly opposite to his children and brother. Laxman took Robin and Sheila to the
town, fed them with sweets, snacks, mughlai. Sometimes he gave less to his own children.
That time Sheila and Shrota (Laxman’s daughter) were about 5 year old. Robin and Chanchal
(Laxman’s son) were not born. As soon as Laxman took out his motor cycle, both the girls insisted
for a ride. There was time and space only for one. Sheila got preference. Shrota started crying. Ram’s
mother explained to her “Sheila will be staying only for 3 weeks, and moreover, you ride rickshaws
which Sheila does not, and still she does not complain”. Shrota kept on crying while the rest started
laughing when she said, “Sheila comes by plane. Have I ever complained? “
Ego would not be a problem for Robin, a blessing of having less intelligence. But for Sheila it would
be a big problem. She had always basked in praise from everyone there. But she never liked the food
cooked in Ram’s house. She had no friends and no place to visit. If she had her way, she would skip
the yearly trip to their ancestral place, instead she would go to Italy or at least Rajasthan. Ram knew
that it would be almost impossible for her to live there. Ram was in fact not sure about it at all, and
he left this part of the equation to God.
Prospect of image dent with neighbours & relatives
Ram had always been held with great honour in and around his village. He was the only NRI in and
around the village. His opinion counted even though he never gave his opinion on any serious
matter. His wife and children had also basked in the glory thanks to Ram’s status. But if Ram was
going to live with them day in day out, he would not get the same privilege. The similar thing would
happen with the relatives also. Prestige is like money, you need much more than you use it.
People would also enquire the reason of Ram’s return. It would not be easy particularly for Sita to
explain. Laxman would not get the respect he used to get because of his brother’s NRI (Non Resident
Indian) status. But there was a positive side too. He would not be pestered for money by some of
their relatives.
What will be Ram doing in village:
This was a million dollar question. Even though Ram had lost his job, he had gained a lot of positive
spirit, thanks to reading of self-help books. He had planned to open training business. He knew the
business environment was not at all conducive in and around his village. But he would take it up with
gusto. He knew that his well wishers (e.g., Laxman ) would not agree with it, but Ram was ready for
that challenge too. He did not have business credential, contact. But he had intuition and trust.
Ram was not completely worry-free though. He was wondered where he will get books from. How
else he will get inspired. How will he get to mix with creative people? Will his creativity go down
because of lack of good company ?
Uprooting of children
Once Ram was walking past the primary school of his children. He immediately remembered his own
primary school and a lot of pictures emerged—pictures of thatched house, the guava trees, the open
air bathroom and the faceless & nameless schoolmates. So much emotion! Exactly, then how will his
children live with just the memory of first 18 years of life for Shiela and, 10 for Robin?
When innocent Robin was told of the plan he did not object but he requested that he should be
allowed to visit Singapore at festival times like Rath Yatra, Durga Puja—at least 4 times a year!
A few days after the plan was made, Ram started doing video recording of Robin playing in park. Sita
commented , perhaps sarcastically, “Robin, if your new friends see these recordings they will say
‘Bibhas what are you doing here? Go back. Go back’”
Test of words with actions
During their good time Sita had told Ram many times that she would have no problem in living in his
village because she was brought up in village. She also added many a times that she did not get
much in Singapore and she was deprived of many pleasures (e.g., food, festival, and friends) in
Singapore. The only reason she was living in Singapore was for Ram and the upbringing of the
children—a sacrifice for the children and husband. She also has complained to Ram that in
Singapore, she had been turned into a full time maid, worse than that—she does not have leave
even on Sundays.
Ram had felt many times that he had not paid the parents’ loan. He knew how his parents wished to
live with him, how they wanted to play with his children when they were infants. His father waited
for week to hear the voice of Ram and his children. But that pleasure too was taken away from him
after he lost the hearing ability. After that, the helpless old man waited for the whole year to see
them. Ram knew all these even though he never articulated to anyone. He kept on remembering his
father at his young age. He remembered how he used to carry him on bi-cycle to school sometimes.
He could not believe that the same father would need someone’s assistance to walk to the next
village. Ram thought of those things, and his eyes became moist. Now he was getting the
opportunity to be with his parents; he should have been happy. But his (perceived) incompetency
was making him forget the happiness that he would give to his parents. The place that he once left
because only moss gathered there, seemed to be the most rocking and rolling today.