Resolve Conflicts Without Submission or Aggression
Speaking without thinking is like shooting without aiming.
Someone irritates us….
 “Too Soft” – passive
“ Too Hard” - aggressive
Solution… “I”MESSAGE
 Describe
4 Parts
 Express
 Specify
 Consequences

DESCRIBE - Describe the undesirable
behavior that the person is displaying.

Be very specific.
Example from the cartoon – “You are picking on me!”

EXPRESS - Express how this behavior
makes you feel. Use your feeling words
and “own” your emotions.
Example – “You are picking on me and that makes
me angry!”

SPECIFY – Name an alternative
behavior – Tell how things need to
change.
Example – “You are picking on me and that makes me
feel angry. You need to keep your hands to
yourself.”

CONSEQUENCES -
Tell how things will change if
the person changes their behavior. The consequences
can be positive or negative. Always try positive
consequences first.
Example – Positive- “You are picking on me and that
makes me feel angry. You need to keep your hands to
yourself, and we will be better friends.”
Negative – “You are picking on me and that
makes me feel angry. You need to keep your hands to
yourself or I will not sit with you at lunch.”

Using positive “I” messages is a useful
tool when a person wants to resolve
problems with other individuals
successfully. You gain more respect
for yourself because you defended
yourself without being unkind to
others.

“I” messages help you live above the line by helping you
take the “power” to resolve conflict peacefully, by
helping you to make the “choice” not to be aggressive or
passive, by giving you the “freedom” to express your
feelings to another person, and by letting you take the
“responsibility” to handle conflict yourself peacefully.