Salvaging Sisterhood - Danhua Kong`s School Counseling

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SALVAGING
SISTERHOOD
Presented by:
Julia V. Taylor, MA
Wake County Public Schools
Raleigh, NC
Let’s Break Some Ice…
(c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights
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Opening Remarks…
About Me
History of
Relational
Aggression
Girls will be
Girls!
Disclaimer
Your “stuff”
Diversity
(c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights
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Aligning Salvaging Sisterhood with
ASCA’s National Model…
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The National Standards focus on what all students,
from pre-kindergarten through grade twelve, should
know, understand, and be able to do to enhance their
academic, career and personal/social development.
Salvaging Sisterhood falls within personal/social
domain of the National Standards. Program
standards for personal/ social development serve as a
guide for the school counseling program to provide
the foundation for personal and social growth which
contributes to academic and career success.
(c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights
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ASCA Standards A, B, & C…
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PS:A1 Acquire Self-knowledge
PS:A1.1 Develop positive attitudes toward self as a unique and worthy
person
PS:A1.2 Identify values, attitudes and beliefs
PS:A1.4 Understand change is a part of growth
PS:A1.5 Identify and express feelings
PS:A1.6 Distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate behavior
PS:A1.7 Recognize personal boundaries, rights and privacy needs
PS:A1.8 Understand the need for self-control and how to practice it
PS:A1.9 Demonstrate cooperative behavior in groups
PS:A1.10 Identify personal strengths and assets
PS:A1.11 Identify and discuss changing personal and social roles
PS:A1.12 Identify and recognize changing family roles
PS:A2 Acquire Interpersonal Skills
PS:A2.1 Recognize that everyone has rights and responsibilities
PS:A2.2 Respect alternative points of view
PS:A2.3 Recognize, accept, respect and appreciate individual
differences
PS:A2.4 Recognize, accept and appreciate ethnic and cultural diversity
PS:A2.5 Recognize and respect differences in various family
configurations
PS:A2.6 Use effective communications skills
PS:A2.7 Know that communication involves speaking, listening and
nonverbal behavior
PS:A2.8 Learn how to make and keep friends
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PS:B1 Self-knowledge Application
PS:B1.1 Use a decision-making and problem-solving model
PS:B1.2 Understand consequences of decisions and choices
PS:B1.3 Identify alternative solutions to a problem
PS:B1.4 Develop effective coping skills for dealing with
problems
PS:B1.5 Demonstrate when, where and how to seek help
for solving
problems and making decisions
PS:B1.6 Know how to apply conflict resolution skills
PS:B1.7 Demonstrate a respect and appreciation for
individual and
cultural differences
PS:B1.8 Know when peer pressure is influencing a decision
PS:B1.11 Use persistence and perseverance in acquiring
knowledge
and skills
PS:C1 Acquire Personal Safety Skills
PS:C1.4 Demonstrate the ability to set boundaries, rights
and personal
privacy
PS:C1.7 Apply effective problem-solving and decisionmaking skills
to make safe and healthy choices
PS:C1.10 Learn techniques for managing stress and
conflict
PS:C1.11 Learn coping skills for managing life events
(c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights
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Goals of Presentation…
Participants will learn distinctions
between the male and female brain
 Participants will learn the definition of
relational aggression and dynamics of
female friendships
 Participants will learn how to recognize
relational aggression to provide
preventive discussions and intervention
strategies to combat girl bullying
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(c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights
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Goals…
Participants will learn how to work with
parents, administration, and teachers to
lesson incidences of relational
aggression
 Participants will leave with solution
focused activities to use immediately in
any setting with girls
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(c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights
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The Female Brain…
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Prefrontal Cortex
– Self-Control
 Is larger and matures earlier in females,
therefore they tend to be more patient and
pacific than males
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Insula
– Intuition and Empathy
 Larger and more active in females, producing the
ability to be more sufficient at reading non-verbal
cues and facial expressions
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The Female Brain con’t…
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Anterior Cignulate Cortex
– Anxiety and Decisions
 Is larger in females, causing them to worry and
weigh options more than men
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Hippocampus
– Emotional Memory
 Is larger and more active in females, producing
the ability to remember more emotional events
(in great detail)
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More about the Brain…
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Hypothalamus
– Hormone Control
 Is active earlier in females, causing sooner
puberty and increased sensitivity
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Pituitary Gland
– Maternal Instinct
 Synchronizes with the hypothalamus, causing
females to be more nurturing
(c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights
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Lastly…
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Amygdala
– Aggression
 Is smaller in females, making them less likely to
get into physical altercations and participate in
physical risk taking behavior
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Cognitive Errors Girls often
make…
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Dichotomous thinking
The need to categorize people
Imaginary audience syndrome
Egocentric thinking
Preoccupation with right and wrong, fairness
Present-oriented
Serious miscalculations about adult wisdom
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The Social Jungle…
Girls generally start to find their place in the
social puzzle around age eight
 Finding a niche is a vital part of adolescent
development; peers literally define who they
are
 Belonging to a group sets the tone of
adolescents everyday experience
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Gender Differences in
Aggression…
Girls bond more intimately with one
another
 Boys form social bonds through group
activities
 Isolation is trauma for girls
 Smothering is trauma for boys
 Girls talk on the playground
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(c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights
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Gender Differences…
Boys play on the playground
 Girls are socialized to be “nice”
 Boys are socialized to be “tough”
 When girls become troubled, they get
sad
 When boys become troubled, they get
mad
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Newton’s Third Law of Science…
FOR EVERY ACTION,
THERE IS AN EQUAL
AND OPPOSITE
REACTION!
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What is a “bully?”…
The web defines bully as: “a cruel and
brutal fellow”
 What does a “bully” look like?
 How does a “bully” act?
 Are you afraid of bullies?
 Can a bully be your friend?
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Searching for “Bully”…
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Still Searching…
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Another “Bully”…
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Girl “Bullying”…
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Examples of Relational
Aggression…
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Spreading rumors
Isolation
Passing nasty notes/slam books
Making academic settings uncomfortable
Bumping into someone on purpose
Taunting
Damaging property
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More Examples…
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Making fun of someone's clothes, appearance,
or weight
Persuading friends to exclude someone you
are mad at
Revealing secrets
Backstabbing
Saying something rude followed by "just
kidding" or “sike”
Cyber Aggression
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Cyber-Aggression…
IMing
 Emailing
 Chat Rooms
 Blogging
 Cell Phone
 MySpace, Facebook, Xanga, etc.
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(c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights
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What Causes Girls to be
Aggressive?
Jealously/Envy
 Peer rejection
 Negative role modeling
 Perfectionist families
 Unrealistic parents
 The need for control
 Lack of attention
 Lack of supervision
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Possible effects of Relational
Aggression…
School
Refusal
Lower
Grades
Fights
Family
Fights
RA
School
Shootings
Poor SelfImage
Anxiety
Depression
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Is any of this Normal?
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Conflict is a part of every child's life
experience
As children learn about cooperation and social
interaction, conflict naturally occurs
A common response to frustration is rejection
Aggression and hurtful remarks are part of
conflict at all ages; they do not necessarily
mean that a problem exists
Gossiping vs. Venting
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What the Girls Say…
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“Hating me won’t make you prettier.”
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“Girls are vicious. Everyone thinks I am a slut, but I
would rather hang out with guys than endure the pain
and suffering I did in middle school.”
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“Girls like totally get jealous of everything and always
like have to one up you, you know, and like you know
they are all in your business and you’re like just leave
me alone and they like won’t and then when you like do
say that they like talk behind your back. It’s totally
not worth it.”
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Continued…
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“I get mooed and oinked at everyday and my science
teacher lets them do it.”
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“Last week a girl tripped me in the hall and I fell, it
really hurt my feelings more than it hurt my knees.
Mr. Teacher saw and just yelled at me that I would
be tardy, he totally didn’t care.”
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Lastly…
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“The popular girls made me drink my mashed potatoes
with chocolate milk through a straw so I could sit on
the bench with them at recess. I did and they didn’t
let me sit with them – they laughed at me. I don’t
know why. I do everything they tell me to and they
just make more fun of me. I hate school and I hate
my teacher and I hate them.”
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Who me?
RELATIONAL AGGRESSION IS VERY HARD TO
PROVE!
 There has been little/no intervention on behalf of
some schools
 No blood, no bruises, no classroom disruption – where
is the evidence?
 Lack of intervention escalates just like it would if
nobody intervened with physical fighting
 Parents often refuse to accept their daughter was
punished for RA - “NOT MY CHILD.”
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Girls will be Girls…
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The STOP Method
– Is the relational aggression
 Severe
 Traumatic
 Ongoing, or involve a
 Power struggle?
If so, you have a duty to intervene!
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A Few of my Favorite RA
Interventions…
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Musical Madness (K-6)
Sticks and Stones (K-6)
Back to Back (All)
Picture This (K-8)
Alone time (All)
DRA (All)
– Describe
– Request
– Affirm
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Write it Out (Secondary)
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Write about an unpleasant situation with a close friend,
use details and your role
– Now, write how in hindsight you should have handled it
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Write a letter to a close friend who has hurt you (have
them throw it away – and DON’T post it on MySpace)
Write an apology letter to someone you hurt (writers
choice whether or not to deliver it)
Friendship Timeline
– Who are your friends?
– What was going on in your life?
– How did you meet your friends? (Parents, neighborhood, sports,
class, activities, etc.)
– How did you feel about yourself?
– How did you treat others?
– How were you treated?
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You Can’t Judge a Book by it’s
Cover…
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Write a “commercial” about why you are a
great friend – what would “I” get out of being
friends with you?
– For example
 I am a good listener, funny, organized, have a great sense
of humor, I like to help people, love to sit in coffee shops
and talk all day, I stay calm during crisis situations, will
do anything for anybody if I think they need me, love
most sports, I love to shop, etc….
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Now, write the “Fine
Print…”
I am highly critical of myself, stubborn, have a tendency to
believe I am always right, am a control freak, can’t sit through a
movie without being bored, must have everything organized or I
cannot function, let my emails pile up, don’t return phone calls in
a timely manner, I get very irritated when people are late, I
panic when I travel and will flip out for no reason – causing
humiliation for all involved, I don’t trust anyone who drives a PT
Cruiser or has a mustache, I don’t like shower curtains, and won’t
eat anything that is partially hydrogenated…
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Starting a Group…
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About Salvaging
Sisterhood…
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Salvaging Sisterhood is a group curriculum designed
to teach friends how to communicate efficiently and
effectively with one another
Salvaging Sisterhood is designed to:
– Raise awareness
– Develop empathy
– Teach healthy conflict
– Explore feelings
– Promote a positive change
in female relationships
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Salvaging Sisterhood…
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The group should consist of one or two groups of
friends (four to ten students)
Girls should generally get along, the goal of the group
is to develop healthier relationships, not force them
Salvaging Sisterhood should be run by school
counseling professionals who are experiencing:
– Teacher complaints
– Student self-referral
– Administrative complaints
– Parent’s calls/concerns
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Choosing the Group…
A group of girls who are constantly “mad” at
each other
 Frequent fliers who refuse healthy
confrontation
 Girls who appear to be submissive to a
particular girl group
 Strong school leaders who need to refocus
their charming leadership
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Activities in Salvaging
Sisterhood…
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Empathy
Understanding
Random acts of kindness
Artwork
Jealously
Forgiveness
Apologizing
Agreeing to disagree
(c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights
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Working with Parents…
AWARENESS IS KEY
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Parent Support Groups
– Book Club
– Educational Seminars
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Important Points
– Popular/unpopular girls
– Dealing with unpopularity
– Internet use/abuse (www.teenangels.org)
– How to help without intervening
– Breaking up with friends
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EXAMPLE PARENT PRESENTION IS ON MY WEBSITE!
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Creating a Policy…
Clearly define relational aggression
 Name the policy
 Provide a mission statement
 What is the rationale
 How/when will you intervene
 What are the consequences
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What else can I do?
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Survey the school
E-blast resources
Have informational groups
Let students know you are onto them
Send out preventative tips in parent
newsletters
Block use of email and IM’s in school
computer labs (or tell them you have)
(c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights
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Fun Schoolwide Activities…
RA Free Honor Roll
 STAR Board
 Anti Gossip Day
 Current Events
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Showdown!
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1. You spilled something on your shirt and your friend made fun
of you.
2. You tripped getting off of the bus and your friends told
EVERYONE!
3. Ever since a new girl moved here, your friend has been
ignoring you and hanging around with her instead.
4. Your friend made fun of the way you dance.
5. Your friend said she is prettier and smarter than you.
6. Your friend told everyone that you like a boy in your class,
and you don’t even like him.
7. You are sad and jealous because you heard two of your
friends talking about a sleepover that they are having and you
are not invited. When you ask them about it, they say their
Mom will only let one person over. You found out three other
girls came.
8. Your friend says that your shoes look like old lady shoes.
(c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights
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Action Plan…
Who
 What
 When
 Where
 Why
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Positive Behavioral Support…
“Give a man fish and he will eat for a
day...teach a man to fish and he will eat
for a lifetime”
Source unknown
(c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights
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References…
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Adolescent Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. www.aacap.org
Brizendine, L. (2006). The Female Brain.
Morgan Road Books, NY, NY
Dellagesa, C. & Nixon, C. (2003). Girl Wars: 12 Strategies that will end
Female Bullying. Fireside Press.
Pipher, M. (1995). Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls.
Ballentine Books.
Relational Aggression on the Web. www.relationalaggression.com
Simmons, R. (2003). Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls.
Harvest Books.
Simmons, R. (2004). Fairfax County Public School Inservice.
Taylor, J.V. (2005). Salvaging Sisterhood: A Small Group Counseling and
Classroom Curriculum for Relationally Aggressive Girls. Youthlight, Inc.
Taylor, J.V. & Trice-Black, S. (2007). Girls in Real Life Situations (G.I.R.L.S.):
Group Counseling Activities for Enhancing Social and Emotional Development.
The Ophelia Project. www.TheOpheliaProject.org
Wiseman, R. (2003). Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter
Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of
Adolescence.Three Rivers Press.
(c), 2007, Julia V. Taylor, All Rights
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Thank You!
Comments?
Questions?
www.teacherweb.com/nc/psc/jtaylor
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