WELCOME!
UNDERSTANDING PARENTING STYLES AND ITS
IMPACT ON BEHAVIOUR MANAGEMENT
Nadia Breese
Please take a moment to complete the brief quiz and reflection provided
What are Parenting Styles?
How you:
•Respond to your child's needs (warmth
and nurture)
•Demand or control behaviour (how you
manage behaviour)
Typically broken into 4 groups:
•Authoritarian
•Authoritative
•Indulgent/Permissive
•Neglectful/Rejecting
Demand/Control
Response (warmth)
Low
High
High
Authoritative
Authoritarian
Low
Indulgent/
Permissive
Neglectful/
Rejecting
Where does your style come from?
• Cultural Norms
• Societal Norms (often influenced by Parenting
Books)
• Internal Working Models (IWM)
What are IWM’s?
How you were parented affects your parenting
• Parent the way you were parented
• Parent extreme opposite (AuthoritarianPermissive)
LETS EXPLORE!
AUTHORITARIAN AKA THE
BRICKWALL
Do as I say!
Warmth
Control and
Unquestioned
Obedience
What it looks like:
•Controlling, bossy,
rigid you
rules, all
I’ll give
decisions aresomething
made for thetochild.
Why aren’t you more
cry
•may use physical punishment
about!
like
your
brother?
Don’t be such a
and humiliation to get
baby!
cooperation
•Child’s feelings are typically
ignored.
That’s it! No
•Little verbalBirthday
exchange
for you!
Because I said so!
•Affection and praise are rarely
given
Not
as long as
you’re
under my
•Children
are told what to do,
roof!
how
to do it, and where to do it,
and when to do it.
Outcomes
“Children are told what to think, not how to think”- Barbara Coloroso
Children from authoritarian homes are so strictly controlled, either by punishment or
guilt, that they are often prevented from making a conscious choice about a particular
behaviour because they are overly concerned about what their parents will do.
•Obedient
•High Achievers
•Distrustful
•Discontent
•Withdrawn
•Unhappy
•Hostile/Agressive
•Often Rebel
•Higher levels of depression.
•Tend to be “sneaky”
•Fear or resent parent
•Reliant on External Motivators (e.g.
payment for good grades/behaviour.
“What do I get?”)
•Tend to “Follow the pack”
•Low Self Esteem
•High risk of drug abuse, sexual
promiscuity
Indulgent/Permissive/Laissez Fair AKA “The Jellyfish (A)”
What it looks like:
Warmth/
Control/
Response
Limits
I don’t like
to say “No”
to my child.
The kids go to bed
when ever they’re
tired, I don’t believe
in bedtimes.
I’m sorry, of
course you can
go to the party, I
don’t like to see
you upset.
I’m the “Cool
•Discipline is lax or non-existent
Mom. There are
•No guidelines or structure
no rules in this
•Few demands
house!”
•Emotions rule
I had so many
•Avoid confrontation
rules on me as a
•Often giving into emotional pressure
child, I don’t
(e.g. whining, tantrums)
want to do that
•Parents will “bail children out” of
to my children.
learning opportunities
•Chaotic Environment
• Parents allow their children to do
their own thing
•Little respect for order and routine.
The teacher
•Parents make few demands
on is
overreacting, he
children.
•Rarely punish wasn’t being rude,
he was just
•Non controlling, non-demanding
expressing himself.
Outcomes
Children from indulgent homes receive few limits on their behaviour and
often become uncertain and anxious about whether they are doing the
right thing.
•Act “Spoiled”
•Rarely learn respect for others
•Have difficulty controlling their
behaviour.
•Inflated sense of self
•Difficulty accepting “failure”
•High Anxiety
•May be aggressive, domineering,
and non-compliant
•Act impulsively
•Poor emotion regulation (under
regulated)
•Rebellious and defiant when
desires are challenged.
•Low persistence to challenging
tasks
•Typically poor performers in
school
•Have difficulty with authority
•Antisocial behaviours
•Aggressive
•Low Self Esteem
•Self-hatred
•Repressed anger and rage
•Extrinsic Locus of Control
•Risk of sexual promiscuity,
drinking and drug abuse
Neglectful/Uninvolved AKA “The Jellyfish (B)”
Response/Warmth
I’m too tired to
make dinner,
fend for
yourself
LOW
Control/Demand
Do whatever
you want.
LOW
What it looks like:
•Parents who neither nurture nor
discipline their children.
•Reject or neglect child-rearing
responsibilities
•Spend minimal time and effort
with their child.
•They may suffer from drug use,
mental health issues, or immaturity
won’t be coming
•AreIunavailable
to theto
child, may
your
school
play,
I
not have the time or energy for
a baseball
childrenhave
because
of their own life
game
that
night.
problems and stresses
•Latch-key children
Outcomes of the uninvolved parent
Children from neglectful parents tend to have similar outcomes to the
indulgent parent. They are often confused about how to behave around
others. They can be aggressive with a lack of self control. These children
show little sign of internal control because they lack adults who model
these behaviours.
• Have poor
relationships with
others.
• Impulsive
• Aggressive
• Low achievement
motivation.
• Antisocial
• Immature
• Psychological
problems
• the children tend to
grow up to be hostile
• lack social and
academic skills
• most engage in
delinquent behavior
• Easily conform to
peers (peer pressure)
• At risk for sexual
promiscuity,
drug/alcohol abuse,
suicide
Authoritative AKA “The Backbone”
You have a
choice, you
can brush
your hair first
Response/Warmth
Control/Demand
You’re grades or your teeth
first
are down,
lets talk
Discipline &
about Respect
how to
Limits
solve this.
Nurture
Positive
Guidance
Affection
High
Expectations
What it looks like
“You know you
The Middle ground:
should not have
•High in Nurture and Discipline
I believe in
done that. Let's
•Show pleasure and support of children's
You can go to talk about how
you
constructive behaviour (high in love & affection)
the party,
you can handle
•Value freedom along with structure, support and
but you need
the situation
responsibilities
to be home better next time.”
•Parents set age appropriate expectations of
by…
behaviour,
set limits
If you want
to and enforce rules
•Appreciation
of rights of others
ride your bike,
•Give
Take wear
Communication: willing to listen
you&must
receptively
to child’s requests and questions;
a helmet.
children contribute to discussion and make some of
their own decisions
•Exert firm control when necessary, but explain
reasoning behind it.
•Lots of smiles, hugs and humour
•Respect children’s interest, opinions, unique
personalities.
•Consistent
Outcomes of the Authoritative AKA “Backbone” parent
“Children learn how to think, not what to think”- Barbara Coloroso
Children whose parents expect them to perform well, to fulfill commitments, and
to participate actively in family duties, as well as family fun, learn how to formulate
goals. They also experience the satisfaction that comes from meeting
responsibilities and achieving success.
•Achievement-oriented
•Task persistent
•Tend to be the happiest, most self- •Academic achievement
reliant, self-controlled.
•Intrinsically motivated
•Well developed social
•Take responsibility for
skills(maintain friendly relations
•actions/choices (don’t blame
with peers, cooperate with adults, others)
cope well with stress)
•Good problem solvers and at
•Content, friendly, generous
resolving conflicts
•Cooperative
•Respect for others
•Less likely to be seriously disruptive •Respect for choices
or delinquent
•Often cheerful
•Self Confident
•Self-reliant
•Well developed emotion regulation
What’s your style?
Parenting Style Quiz
Authoritative
3
7
9
10
Authoritarian
2
8
12
14
Indulgent/Permissive 1
11
13
15
Neglectful
5
6
11
4
Most parents find they have characteristics of more than
one style. It’s important to assess your parenting style and
make adjustments, if and where you feel necessary, to
achieve the best outcomes for your child.
HOW TO ADOPT A “BACKBONE”
APPROACH
Punishment V.S. Discipline
Punishment
 Intended to hurt, humiliate or negatively “pay back”
 Used to bully or coerce children into
behaving
 Behaviours include:
Spanking, shaking, yanking an arm
Hair-pulling, biting, pinching( to illustrate how it feels to
others!)
Withdraw affection, ignore, not speaking
Humiliating the child, ridiculing
Positive Child Guidance 2012 p207
“Taking away a skateboard, going to bed without supper, grounding, give toys away to charity – does
not teach children anything!”-Barbara Coloroso
Punishment…implications
• Promotes fear, aggression and resentment
• Makes children dependent on adults while increasing adult
control and authority
• Develops mindless obedience rather than a desire to act
constructively
– Promotes compliance and conformity
– External “I don’t want to get in trouble”
• Has a negative effect on self-esteem
– makes children “other-directed” rather than inner-directed or self-directed
• Addresses adult’s short-term needs, rather than child’s
long-term needs
– Child doesn’t understand the relationship between behavior and punishment
– focuses on “badness” rather than the problem or action
Discipline
• Separates the behavior from the child
• Helps the child understand and change behavior
– Adult and child identify appropriate behavior
– Child understands consequences of behavior
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Adult encourages problem solving
Adult helps child assume responsibility for behavior
Explain limits and consequences of misbehavior
Considers ability level of child (age appropriate)
Models acceptable behavior
Accepts child’s need to assert self
Sets reasonable limits
Discipline…implications
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Builds self esteem and keeps it intact
Respects the child, and models respect
Empowers children to understand their behaviour
Gives confidence
Encourages problem solving
Emotionally supports
Fosters healthy relationships
Builds an internal locus of control – “I Know that’s wrong/ I
want to do the right thing.”
• Creates social competence
Strategies
DISCIPLINE; POSITIVE CHILD
GUIDANCE
Positive Guidance
 Used to nurture and shape behaviour
 Purpose is to teach children (in an assertive and respectful
manner) to behave appropriately
 Behaviours include:
 focusing child’s attention on logical and natural
consequences
 Acknowledging feelings but allowing consequences to follow
 Interrupting behaviour that is dangerous
 Accept negative feelings but stop negative action (e.g. “I
understand you are upset but its not ok to hit”)
Positive Child Guidance
Avoids simply saying “No” or “Don’t do that”
Redirects inappropriate behaviour by telling
the child what to do
Focus’ on positive alternatives
Suggests socially acceptable behaviours
Helps to develop self confidence and self
control
E.g. Instead of “Don’t write on the walls!!” try
“You can draw on paper, but not on walls.”
Change these statements into positive
guidance statements.
Don’t run…
Please, walk.
Don’t yell…
Please use a quiet voice.
Don’t stand on the table…
Your feet need to be on the floor.
Don’t talk while I am talking…
Please wait until I’m finished talking
(and then you can have your turn).
Don’t paint on Mary’s paper…
You can paint on your own paper
Don’t climb up the slide…
You climb up the stairs and go down the slide.
Don’t take your shoes off…
Don’t go that way…
Please keep your shoes on.
Come this way.
Language That Sets Limits
• Describe the action
• State limits
• Give reasons
• Offer choices
Examples
“Cory, it’s not okay to run inside (action and
limit) because you may get hurt (reason). Your
choices are to go into the backyard to run or
to walk inside.” (choices).
“Peter, throwing the ball at the window (action) is
not okay (limit), it is dangerous, the glass could
break (reason). You need to stop or I will need to
take the ball away. You can throw the ball at the
wall or net or choose another activity. Which will
you do? (choices)”
Natural And Logical
CONSEQUENCES
• Punitive = restricts or controls behaviour
without addressing the conflict or issue
• Natural = a spontaneous outcome of a problem or
conflict, a natural occurrence as a result of child's
own action.
• Logical = consequence imposed by an adult but
linked to the child’s actions
Natural Consequence
Logical Consequence
•
• The results of the child’s actions
that are imposed by the adult.
• Closely connected to the conflict
or issue being processed
• Purpose is to resolve the problem
in a way which teaches the child
to take responsibility for their
behaviour/action rather than to
punish the child
•
•
Automatically results from the
child’s behaviour
No intervention from an adult.
Children learn from natural
consequences because the
consequence is immediate and
directly related to the action.
Example: If a child puts their shoes on
the wrong feet, then their feet hurt
(natural)
If a situation is neither life threatening,
morally threatening, nor unhealthy, let
The natural consequence give life to
the child’s learning. Parents are often
uncomfortable with natural
Consequences.
Example: A boy accidentally broke
something on display while on a
school field trip. Instead of being
punished, he was asked to write
an apology letter and replace the
broken item
Identify which statements refer to natural consequences (N) and
which are logical consequences (L).
Suzy doesn’t put the tops on her paints, they will harden and not be available to use. N
“When your room is this messy, toys get broken because they get stepped on.” N
L
If you continue to bend the antenna, I will have to ask you to find something else to play with.
Cody continues to bend the antenna and it breaks off the truck.
James goes outside without mitts, his hands get cold.
N
N
It is so cold today that if you wish to play outside, you must wear mitts. L
Peter finds a mud puddle on the playground and walks through it several times and says “My
feet are really cold.” N
Jonah spills his milk at lunch. His mother asks him to go get a paper towel to wipe it up. L
Two
Two children
children are
are looking
looking at
at aa book
book together.
together. They
They try
try to
to turn
turn aa page
page at
at the
the same
same time and it
tears.
They
are asked
sit asked
in timetoout
about
whatthe
they
did.
P
time and
it tears.
Theytoare
getand
the think
tape and
repair
book.
THANK YOU & QUESTIONS
Recommended Resource:
Barbara Coloroso
• Parent, teacher, and author
• International speaker recognized around the
world
• Areas of specialty are parenting, teaching,
school discipline, and non-violent conflict
resolution
• Has written three best sellers, including :
– “Kids Are Worth It! Giving Your Child the Gift of
Inner Discipline,”
– “Parenting Through Crisis: Helping Kids in Times of
Loss, Grief, and Change,”
– “The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From
Preschool to High School – How Parents and
Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence”