The Practices of Forgiveness and
Gratitude in Successfully
Navigating Systemic Change
SCEAPA Conference
March 2014
John Arnold, PhD, LPC, CEAP
Premise
The psychologist Alfred Adler endorsed the task of occupation as one
of the three significant life tasks all human beings must address.
With rapid change driven by multiple variables, the contemporary
workplace continues to be a volatile context in which it is difficult to
achieve contribution and satisfaction.
Two emotional outcomes of this are resentment and hurt /
victimization.
To assist discouraged employees and workplace systems, employee
assistance professionals and affiliates should be ready to address issues
of forgiveness and gratitude.
“We must be willing to let
go of the life we planned
so as to have the life that is
waiting for us.”
Joseph Campbell
Forgiveness and Gratitude-An Interface with:
A.) Positive Psychology
B.) Positive Organizational Citizenship
Positive Psychology
• In modern times, date back to psychologist William James
(died 1910)
• Influenced by Abraham Maslow’s theory of human selfactualization. (1943)
• 1964, Virginia Satir (family therapist) encouraged the field of
psychology not to be singularly oriented to human
pathology.
• 1998, Dr. Martin Seligman picks Positive Psychology as the
theme for his term as president of the American
Psychological Association.
Positive Psychology
Positive Psychology is interested in “optimal human
functioning.” It focuses on…
•Client strengths and assets
•Human resiliency and health
•What is “right” with people in contrast with what
is “wrong”, dysfunctional. (A “positive” DSM-5)
Positive Psychology is interested in
•Happiness / The Good Life
•Effectual growth and change
•Human “flourishing”
•Qualities of resilience
•Human values and virtues… including forgiveness and
gratitude.
(amongst many other things)
Positive Organizational Citizenship
Defined by Dennis Organ in 1988 (D. Katz in 1964)
Individual (employee) behavior which is:
a.) discretionary (not part of a job description; a personal
choice)
b.) not directly or explicitly recognized by the formal reward
and compensations system. Any “reward” is indirect.
c.) and, when done in aggregate (by many employees) results
in the effective functioning of the workplace. The workplace is
a better place.
Positive Organizational Citizenship
• Examples: courtesy, tact, “using your voice”,
appreciation, politeness, gratitude, forgiveness,
sportsmanship, supporting professional memberships
connected to the organization.
• Maintains the goodwill of any work-team and keeps
the energy of the workplace positive and upbeat in
ways which are difficult to qualify.
Forgiveness: A Cultural Perspective…
A long history in human culture and interaction…
Greek: “aphiemi”: “to send away”
Hebrew: “salach”: “to send away; to let go” (A requirement to accept.)
Chinese: Buddhism: “metta”: “loving-kindness”. Release the desire to
hurt back.
Chinese: Confucian tradition: “ren”: benevolence, charity, love
Arabic: “’afw”: to release, to heal, to restore. Islam promotes
forgiveness as more virtuous than justice.
Cheyenne: “navonetano ta”: “I have forgotten it.” A Native American
tradition to live in harmony with nature and fellow human beings.
How do you define “forgiveness”?
Forgiveness
“To forgive is to set a
prisoner free… and discover
that the prisoner was you.”
(Lewis B. Smedes)
Forgiveness
Resentment is a pair of handcuffs. I make
myself the slave to the person I resent. I
make myself emotionally and
psychologically handcuffed to them.
Forgiveness, then, becomes the key.
(Peter Bliss, 2011)
Forgiveness
Without forgiveness,
resentment becomes toxic.
Resentment is like trying to
kill someone by taking the
poison.
Forgiveness
Recent research suggests…
• Forgiveness is an interpersonal skill that can be taught
• Forgiveness plays correlates with resiliency in “down-sized”
employees
• Forgiveness decreases reports of depression
• Forgiveness increases reports of serenity in terminally ill patients
• Forgiveness correlates with positive outcomes in treatment of heart
disease
• Forgiveness correlates with measures of improved immune response
Forgiveness
The paradoxical quality of forgiveness.
As I forgive someone who
- doesn’t deserve it,
- doesn’t know I’m doing it, and
- doesn’t even want my forgiveness–
Oddly, I am the one who benefits. I am the one who is healed.
Forgiveness
Some things Forgiveness is not:
- It is not minimizing the act or the hurt
- It is not excusing the hurt
- It is not overlooking the hurtful behavior from a
position of moral superiority / martyrdom
- Forgiveness is not the same thing as “Reconciliation.”
- Others?
When is a client ready to consider Forgiveness?
Stages of Change:
• Pre-contemplation: the stage at which there is no intention to
forgive in the foreseeable future. An employee in this stage may be
unaware or minimizing the impact of resentment on their life.
• Contemplation: the stage in which an employee is aware that the
hurt is a problem. They begin toying with the idea but have not yet
made a commitment to take action.
• Preparation: starts to combine volition / intention and behavior.
“What would forgiveness look like?”
• Action: An employee experiments with modified behavior and
modified “frame” about the hurtful event. The Action Stage involves
public and overt behavior change; doing “something” different. It
calls for intention and energy.
• Maintenance: The employee works to prevent “relapse” back into
hurt; declines invitations to feel “righteously angry.”
Relapse may occur. New rituals are incorporated so as to reinforce
progress and the new “frame.” Releasing the “Why?” of the event.
“Okay, so how do I get there?” (Bliss, 2011)
Recognize the a.) need to forgive and b.) the positive outcome in
forgiveness
Acknowledge the fact of the event (the “wrong”) and grieve it.
“Ritually” cancel the “debt” because you choose to deem it
“uncollectable.”
Recognize and track the benefit that forgiveness brings to you
Acknowledge that forgiveness is not “reconciliation”: there is nothing
“they” have to do.
Ritually cancelling the debt: The Forgiveness Letter.
Forgiveness
• Writing a “Forgiveness Letter”
• For many clients, writing is a physical exercise which helps
operationalize the hurt and to clear the mind. Writing can help
organize information about the hurt that floats in fragments in our
heads. Writing can foster the opportunity for “reframing”: to see the
event from another perspective.
Forgiveness
Tips for Writing a Forgiveness Letter:
• Keep it short and to the point. One sheet of paper
• Write it out / don’t type
• No need to rehash the event or the hurt
• This is not a “rant”– this is about forgiving and letting go.
• Options to read it to clinician, to burn, to tear up, to “void”.
Generally, not written to be sent.
Gratitude
“As we tend toward gratitude, we connect with fellow human beings
more readily. We are more apt to approach others in a “horizontal
manner” (contribution / cooperation) rather than a “vertical manner”
(competition / one-up).”
“When we cultivate a grateful attitude, we develop a capacity for
satisfaction and contentment. And gratitude builds bridges to others.”
Richard Watts, PhD. President of the North American Society for
Adlerian Psychology.
Gratitude
Gratitude is a “career skill” that the workplace and
employees need to cultivate along with skills such as
conflict resolution, good communication, co-operation,
team-work, etc.
Gratitude
Benefits of the Practice of Gratitude:
Physical: improved immune response, decreased BP, tend to exercise
more, improved sleep.
Psychological: Higher scores on scales of happiness and optimism,
increased reports of “positive / pleasant” emotions.
Social: Rated by others as helpful, generous, compassionate, forgiving,
friendly. Decreased self-reports of loneliness / isolation.
Workplace: Reports of higher energy to complete tasks; rated by team
members as more cooperative. More resilient to negative stressors.
How to cultivate Gratitude
1.) Keep a “Gratitude Journal.” Makes “counting blessings” more
intentional.
2.) Study / keep company with “Grateful People.”
3.) Keep a “Gratitude Jar”. At the end of the day, all changes goes in
the jar as a reminder to be grateful. Donate the funds when the jar is
full.
4.) Write “Thank you” notes instead of texts or e-mails.
5.) When someone else thanks YOU, accept the thanks with grace.
6.) Want what you have.
Whitbourne, Susan (2010). Giving Thanks: The Benefits of Gratitude.
Emmons, Robert, PhD. (2007). Thanks! How Practicing Gratitude can
Make you Happier.
Emmons et al. Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental
investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life.
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Feb. 2003.
Grant et al. Gratitude and well-being: The benefits of appreciation.
Psychiatry, Nov. 2010.
Smith, J. 5 ways to Cultivate Gratitude at Work. 2013.
Baker, Dan. What Happy People Know.
Cheng, Cheri. Having a Purpose in Life is Healthier than Happiness.
• International Forgiveness Institute: www.forgiveness-institute.org.
University of Wisconsin.
• John Templeton Foundation: www.templeton.org
• Forgiveness: A Sampling of Research Results. APA, 2006
• The Journal of Positive Psychology
• Emmons, Robert A. Gratitude Works!: A 21-Day Program for Creating
Emotional Prosperity
• Charles Derns, PhD. Gratitude at Work: Counting your blessings will
benefit yourself and your organization. 2006.