Self-Compassion: A Confident Kid Building Block
Vanessa Ann Vigilante, Ph.D.
Psychologist
Division of Behavioral Health
A I duPont Hospital for Children
Clinical Assistant Professor of Pediatrics Department of Pediatrics
Jefferson Medical College
How Do We Build a Stable Sense of Self in
Children?
 Protect child from feelings of
failure, disappointment,
frustration or…
 …validate these feelings?
Self-Esteem:
“Its all relative.”
 How much we
approve of/value
ourselves
 Based on comparison
Low Self-Esteem
 Comes from the child’s
evaluation of his/her
perceived inadequacies.
Low Self-Esteem
 “I do not measure up.”
High Self-Esteem
 “I measure up well.”
Artificially Inflate Self-Esteem
 “Give” high self esteem:
- Praise
indiscriminately
- Protect from
frustration/self doubt
Artificially Inflating Self-Esteem
 Caregiver Response
 Child Translation
• “You’re so smart.”
 “Smartness makes me
loveable.”
• “You’re so kind.”
 “Being kind makes me
loveable.”
• “You’re so pretty.”
 “Being pretty makes me
loveable.”
Inflating Self Esteem
 Less than perfect is
not ok…
 …so, cannot take
constructive feedback
and does not learn
from mistakes
Drawbacks of Self-Esteem when things
do not go well
 Narcissism
 Humiliation
 Self absorption
 Incompetence
 Self-righteous anger
 Inferiority
 Prejudice
 Depression
 Discrimination
 Anxiety
 Entitlement
 Anger
So, how do we:
 Maintain a stable
sense of self in the
midst of success as
well as failure?
How do we:
 Have high self-esteem…
 ….and not always measure
up?
Here’s how:
• By being content with not
always measuring up
• Maintaining stability in the
midst of success as well as
failure
• Accepting failure as a fact of
life
Self-Compassion
 How much warmth do
we have for ourselves?
 Based on selfacceptance
 Not based on selfevaluation/social
comparison
Self-Compassion
 How much warmth we
have for ourselves
especially
when the road gets
tough
Self-Compassion
 SC: “Could have
happened to anyone.”
 SE: “These things
only happen to me.”
Self-Compassion:
3-Step Process
 Realize things are
difficult
 Respond to yourself
with kindness/
understanding
 Normalize it
Self-Compassion
 “It sounds like you’re
feeling aggravated.”
 “It’s normal to feel….”
 “That sounds so hard!”
 “It sounds like that
made you happy.”
 “Did that make you
angry?”
 “How awful!”
 “That sounds like a
good plan.”
 “I really like the….”
Self-Compassion
 Provides the same benefits
of high self-esteem….
 …without its
drawbacks
How to Help Children Develop SelfCompassion
 Be kind to yourself
 Teach children truth about
life
 Ease into self-compassion
slowly
 Judge the behavior, not the
child
 Model future behavior,
don’t punish the past
Are there drawbacks to selfcompassion?
 Will it lower
standards/encourage
laziness?
 Self-compassionate
people are less likely
to lower their
standards (Neff,
2011).
Self-Compassion: Rewards
 Higher standards
 Strong work ethic
 Personal responsibility
 Not afraid of failure
 More courageous
 More aware of personal
faults
Self-Compassion: Rewards
 Decreased anxiety,
depression, selfcriticism
 Increased coping ability
 Greater feeling of social
connectedness
How Do We Build a Stable Sense of Self in
Children?
 Protect child from feelings of
failure, disappointment,
frustration or…
 …validate these feelings?
References
 Cabane, O. The Charisma Myth, (New York, Penguin Group, 2012).
 Gilbert, P., Baldwin, M. W., Irons, C., Baccus, J. R., & Palmer, M. “SelfCriticism and Self-Warmth: An Imagery Study Exploring Their Relation to
Depression,” Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy 20, no. 2 (2006): 183-200.
 Kagan, J. Three Seductive Ideas, (Cambridge, MA, Harvard University Press,
1998).
 Neff, K. D. “Self-Compassion,” in Handbook of Individual Differences in
Social Behavior, eds. M. R. Leary and R. H. Hoyle (New York: Guilford Press,
2009), 561-73.
 Neff, K. D., Kirkpatrick, K., & Rude, S. S., “Self-Compassion and Its Link to
Adaptive Psychological Functioning,” Journal of Research in Personality 41
(2007): 139-54.
 Neff, K. D. Self Compassion , (William Morrow, 2011).