The Boy Code
Elizabeth Schroeder, EdD, MSW
Answer Executive Director
2011
This Webinar

Combination of research and
professional experience working with
adolescent boys

Will focus on adolescent BOYS… not
specific populations of boys
To reach boys…
...we must first UNDERSTAND boys



How do they learn?
From where/whom do they get
support?
What is the “boy code”?
How do they learn?
(Good question…)
The educational system
is failing boys
Boys Are More Likely Than Girls
To…





Have discipline/behavior problems
Be diagnosed with a learning disability
or Attention Deficit Disorder
Be placed in special education
Drop out of school
Score lower grades; usually behind in
reading/writing
Social Development of Boys
“The BOY CODE”
William Pollack, PhD
What Is the “Boy Code”?

The unwritten code of boy behavior

Are not suggestions, are strict rules
about how they "must" behave

Genuine fear of what will happen if they
break them.
What Does the Boy Code
Dictate?








Tough
Distrusts adults
Doesn’t do anything “weak” or “sissy”
Muscular
Never cries
Plays sports
Doesn’t talk much
Doesn’t “act like a girl”
The “Boy Code”

Boy Code: Needs to look like he knows what
he’s doing – “I know, ok?” – even if he
doesn’t (starts early).

Girls: appearance important; Boys:
appearances important (e.g., video games)
What’s the “normal” range for an
adolescent boy?

Wants to be HIMSELF – different from
parents, different from past

Eventually, different from peers

Looking to gain respect for what HE
does and who HE is.
What’s the “normal” range for an
adolescent boy?

May “one-up” people, especially peers

Roughhousing

Humiliate and be humiliated

Homophobia
ALL = MALE BONDING
Everything in an adolescent’s
life revolves around sex and
sexuality
Everything in an adolescent
boy’s life revolves around
gender and masculinity
Boys “tell” us that…






NEED to be heterosexual.
NEED to have sex.
Want desperately to be good lovers.
Consumed with giving partners
orgasms.
Obsessed with penis size.
Concerned about statutory rape laws.
Experience love in extremes.
From Sexetc.org
“Hi. I'm very confused. I don't
know if I'm gay, bi, whatever. I
need you to tell me some signs for
straight and gay or even bi boys.
Please. I need to know; and I need
to know now.”
-- 15-year-old boy
From Sexetc.org
“I am considering suicide
because I do not know what to
do after my girlfriend left me.
She is the only one I love and I
cannot go on without her”
-- 14-year-old boy
From Sexetc.org
“Is there anything i can eat, drink or
buy to enlarge my penis? Like that
pump thing, does it really works? I hav
difficulties since young like u know
getting undress in front my friends...
My first lov broke up wif me...
Sometimes i just wish i wasn't born at
all. Suicidal thoughts often cross my
mind. i really need ur help...pls”
– 17-year-old boy
So…
To reach boys with our sexuality lessons
(e.g., sexual initiation, healthy
relationships, safer sex, etc.)
We need to spend MORE time looking at
and incorporating gender/masculinity
w/sexuality
Some things to consider…

Separating boys and girls (pros and cons) –
research on single-sex vs. co-ed schools

Spend MORE time with boys… bridge the
gender gap

READ… get to know the RESEARCH, and
adapt your existing activities/programs
Some more things to consider…

Gender of teacher: less important than
respect

Don’t avoid emotions; are taking your
lead

PERSONALIZE but maintain
boundaries
How do we break the
“boy code”?
We can’t.
But we can make it less limiting.
How do we break the
“boy code”?
We can’t.
But we can help boys to understand what
it is and choose for themselves the
parts they do and don’t accept.
For More Information/Reading



“Real Boys” and “Real Boys’ Voices”
by William Pollack, PhD
“Raising Cain: Protecting the
Emotional Life of Boys” – Dan Kindlon,
PhD and Michael Thompson, PhD
“Speaking of Boys,” by Michael
Thompson, PhD

National Sexuality Education
Training Initiative:
In-person/Online

National sex ed resources

http://answer.rutgers.edu/

National Teen-to-Teen
Sexuality Education
Initiative

www.sexetc.org
ACT for Youth
Center of Excellence

Youth development and
adolescent sexual health
resources:
www.actforyouth.net

Youth network site—
sexual health, leadership,
rights, and more for
youth:
www.nysyouth.net
Was this presentation useful? Please give us your feedback:
http://www.zoomerang.com/Survey/WEB22AEZWMYJH3