The Child, Adolescent & Family Recovery Center
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INTERPERSONAL
EFFECTIVENESS
Objective Effectiveness
Relationship Effectiveness
Self Respect Effectiveness
The Child, Adolescent & Family Recovery Center
When to use interpersonal
effectiveness skills
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Balancing Priorities and Demands
Ask
others for help
Say “No” to unwanted requests
If lacking structure, try to create structure
and responsibilities
Offer to do things
If overwhelmed reduce low priority
demands
The Child, Adolescent & Family Recovery Center
When to use interpersonal
effectiveness skills
3
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Balancing Wants-to-Shoulds
Look at the balance between how much you do because
you enjoy it “want to” and “have to” –try to find a
balance, even when you need to….
Say
NO to unwanted requests
Get your opinions taken seriously
Ask for what you want/need in an
appropriate way
The Child, Adolescent & Family Recovery Center
When to use interpersonal
effectiveness skills
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Attending to Relationships
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Don’t let problems build up
Use skills to head off problems
End hopeless relationships
Resolve conflicts before they get
overwhelming
The Child, Adolescent & Family Recovery Center
When to use interpersonal
effectiveness skills
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
Building Mastery and Self Respect
Interact with others and yourself in a
way that makes you feel competent
and effective, not helpless or overly
dependent
 Stand up for yourself, your beliefs and
opinions, follow your own wise mind

The Child, Adolescent & Family Recovery Center
Objective effectiveness
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Assertiveness-Getting your objectives or goals
met in a situation, effectively  Describe
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Ask for what you want
Say No to unwanted or
unreasonable requests
Negotiate Conflict
without damaging the
relationship

Assertive:
Selfconfident
Selfassured
Firm
Powerful
Forceful
Persuasive
influential

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The Child, Adolescent & Family Recovery Center
Express
Assert
Reinforce
Mindfully
Appear Confident
Negotiate
Modulating intensity
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
How you ask for something or say no to an
unwanted request depends on the situation
 Level
of intensity you need to use
 Level of insistence you need to use

Factors to consider when deciding how or at what
level to respond
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Modulating Intensity (Continued)
HIGH INTENSITY: TRY AND CHANGE THE SITUATION
Ask firmly, insist
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Refuse Firmly, don’t give in.
Ask firmly, resist no
5
Refuse firmly, resist giving in.
Ask firmly, take no
4
Refuse firmly, and reconsider
Ask tentatively, take no
3
Express unwillingness.
Hint openly, take no
2
Express unwillingness, but say yes
Hint indirectly, take no
1
Express hesitancy, say yes
Don’t ask, don’t hint
0
Do what other wants without being asked
LOW INTENSITY: ACCEPT THE SITUATION AS IT IS
Factors to Consider when using I.O.E.
Relationship effectiveness
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Obtaining and maintaining a good
relationship

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Acting in a way that
the other person keeps
respecting you
Balancing immediate
goals with the good of
the long term
relationship

(be)
Gentle

(act)
Interested
Validate


(use an)
The Child, Adolescent & Family Recovery Center
Easy Manner
Repairs
“This skill is about having HEALTHY
relationships that LAST!”
Effectively making and accepting apologies
(shows compassion and respect).
Letting Go! (This can enhance relationships
by leaving your past in the past).
Admitting when you are wrong or have made
mistakes.
4 Horseman of the Apocalypse
This skill involves
identifying the primary
destructive forces that
each person brings into
a relationship that
ultimately can cause
stress and damage to
relationships.
Common YOUTH “Horsemen”
Not Communicating
Withdrawal
Dishonestly
Not going to school
Playing video games
Bullying
Violence
Drugs and Alcohol
Unhealthy eating habits
Delinquency
4 Horseman of the Apocalypse
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Dishonesty
Not taking mental health
meds
Out-of-control spending
Credit card debt
Workaholism
Drugs and Alcohol
Unhealthy eating habits
Compulsive and addictive
behaviors
Violence
Infidelity
Self Respect Effectiveness
14
Keeping or Improving Self Respect and liking
for yourself
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Respecting your own
values and beliefs
Acting in a way that
makes you feel moral
Acting in a way that
makes you feel capable
and effective
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Taps into PLEASE
MASTER
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(be)
Fair

(no)
Apologies
Stick to values
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(be)
Truthful
The Child, Adolescent & Family Recovery Center
Factors that Reduce Interpersonal Effectiveness
and Dealing with Difficult People
15
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Lack of Skill
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Worry Thoughts
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Emotions
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Indecision
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Environment
Everyone has to deal with
difficult people from time to
time; remarkably
unpleasant, cranky,
argumentative or down-right
snotty individuals. Utilizing
the concepts of Mindfulness
and Interpersonal
Effectiveness skills are used
in these situations in order to
maximize our effectiveness.
The Child, Adolescent & Family Recovery Center
Overview of Interpersonal
Effectiveness
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DEAR MAN - Asking for what you
want/Saying No
GIVE - Keeping/Maintaining healthy
relationships
FAST - Self Respect
The Child, Adolescent & Family Recovery Center