Overindulgence
&
Teaching Responsibility
Facilitated by Lori Zierl
Pierce County UW-Extension
Family Living Agent
What Is Overindulgence?



Giving children too much, too soon,
too long
Giving things or experiences that are
not appropriate for their age,
interests and talents
Giving things to children to meet the
adult’s needs, not the child’s needs
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What Is Overindulgence? (Continued)


Giving a disproportionate amount of
family resources to one or more
children
Children experience scarcity in the
midst of plenty
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What Is Overindulgence? (Continued)

Overindulgence is doing or having so
much of something that it does
active harm or at least stagnates and
deprives that person of achieving
their full potential
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What Is Overindulgence? (Continued)


Overindulgence is a form of child
neglect
It hinders children from doing their
developmental tasks, and from
learning necessary life lessons
(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)
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Are You Overindulgent?

Do you suspect that you might be
overindulging your children?
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Overindulgence

Undercuts self-discipline
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Clues to Overindulgence



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Hinders child from learning tasks that
support development and learning
Gives disproportionate amount of family
resources to one or more of the children
Benefits adult more than child
Child’s behavior potentially harm others,
society, or the planet in some way
(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)
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Hazards of Overindulgence



Trouble learning delayed gratification
Trouble giving up being the center of
attention
Trouble becoming competent in:



Everyday skills
Self-care skills
Skill of relating to others
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Hazards of Overindulgence




(continued)
Trouble taking personal responsibility
Trouble developing a sense of personal
identity
Trouble knowing what is enough
Trouble knowing what is normal for other
people
(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)
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What is Enough?

Too Little

Enough

Abundance

Too Much
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Who Overindulged?




Both parents
Mom
Dad
Grandmother
43%
42%
11%
4%
(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)
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How Were Children Overindulged?






53%
41%
36%
35%
32%
32%
Having things done for child
Clothes
Privileges
Toys
Allowed to dominate family
Not having to learn skills that
were expected of other children
(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)
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Reasons Parents Overindulged

49% Issues stemming from the parent

18% Death of a loved one

15% Illness

10% Birth order
(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)
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Areas of Overindulgence

Too many things

Over-nurturing

Soft structure
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Too Many Things





Clothes
Toys
Lessons
Entertainment
Holidays
41%
35%
22%
18%
17%
(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)
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Too Many Clothes

“I’ve got nothing to wear.”
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Too Many Toys


Children’s play is children’s work
Are today’s toys merely preparing
children to become consumers?
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Too Many Activities

“Many families are over-scheduled
outside the family and underscheduled inside the family.”
(The Intentional Family by William Doherty)
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Look For Balance
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What is Nurturing?

All the ways we provide for the soft
needs’ love, touch, warmth, attention,
support, stimulation, recognition and
response
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Over-nurtured Adults Say…

Parents did things for me that I
should have done myself

Parents gave me too much attention

I was allowed lots of privileges

Parents made sure I was entertained
(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)
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Too Much Over-nurturing

Nurturing becomes overindulgence when
it involves doing things for children
they are able to do, and should be
expected to do, for themselves
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Over-nurturing

When parents over-function for a
child able to function for herself, the
child tends to under-function
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What is Structure?


Structure is the firm side, the
“how to” of care
It’s the bones
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Overindulged Adults Say…




Parents did not expect me to do chores
Not expected to learn same skills as
other children
Parent’s didn’t have rules or make me
follow the
Parents gave me too much freedom
(How Much is Enough? by Clarke, Dawson & Bredehoft)
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Too Soft Structure

No rules

Not enforcing the rules

No chores

Too much freedom

Allowed to dominate the family
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Why is Soft Structure a
Form of Overindulgence?


Children fail to learn important life
skills
They do not learn how to set and
respect boundaries
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What is Firm Structure?

Reasonable rules that are
consistently enforced

Mastery of skills

Learning family values
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How to Establish Structure


Set limits, boundaries, and standards
with rules
Enforce the rules with rewards for
compliance and discomforting
consequences for noncompliance
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What is a Rule?

“A principle or standard to which an
action conforms.”
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Chores

The expectation that a child will do
chores lets a child know that he is
valued as a contributing member of
the family
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Too Much Freedom


Scary for an inexperienced child
Expects children to handle people
and situations without having learned
how to do so safely or responsibly
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Good Freedom



Allows children to explore or experiment
within the bounds of safety and their
abilities
Allows for learning important lessons
from experience
Allows for creativity without destruction
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How to Develop
Responsibility
in Children

Be a responsible person (role model)

Communicate expectations clearly

Allow children to be involved
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Developing Responsibility (Continued)

Offer encouragement, love, and attention

Let children know you believe in them

Present task in a way that fits your
child’s learning styles
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Developing Responsibility (Continued)

Responsibility should be age appropriate

Allow for consequences

Children should not be given an
allowance for chores
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Developing Responsibility (Continued)



Allow for mistakes and imperfections
Set limits and give fewer choices if a
child repeatedly fails to fulfill his
responsibilities
Don’t set your child up to rebel
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Remember…


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Resist redoing a task done by a child
Divide a task into smaller parts to
help a child get it done
Parents can encourage a child to do
chores by expressing appreciation
and encouragement
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Resources

How Much is Enough? Everything You
Need to Know to Steer Clear of
Overindulgence and Raise Likeable,
Responsible and Respectful Children
Clarke, Dawson, & Bredehoft, 2004
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Resources

When Is Enough, Enough?: What You
Can Do If You Never Feel Satisfied.
Meyerson and Ashner, 1996

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent
Child
John Gottman, 1997

Growing Up Again, Parenting
Ourselves, Parenting Our Children.
Clarke and Dawson, 1998
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Lori Zierl, Family Living Agent
UW-Extension Pierce County
Pierce County Office Building
412 West Kinne Street, P.O. Box 69
Ellsworth, WI 54011-0069
715-273-6781
University of Wisconsin-Extension, U.S. Dept. of Agriculture and
Wisconsin counties cooperating. UW-Extension provides equal
opportunities in employment and programming, including Title IX and
ADA.
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