Creating Balance Through Healthy Boundaries

Creating Balance Through
Healthy Boundaries
Lawyers Assistance Program
Facilitated by Robert Bircher
Lesson one
What are Boundaries?
• Various definitions:" how far we can
go with comfort go in a relationship. It
delineates where I and my physical and
psychological space end and where you
and yours begin.”
• Boundaries provoke real experiences
within us-thus in my relationships with
people places and things, the boundary
is real
• Another definition: “A boundary is a
limit that promotes integrity”
What are Boundaries?
• One example is your skin, another
is the walls of a cell in your body
• A good metaphor is that of the
wall of a cell, that is a semi –
permeable membrane
• “To know when to allow in and
when to keep out, means you have
a choice in your life, and means
you will be an active rather than a
passive participant in it”
• Healthy boundaries will enhance your
relationship with your self, your body,
your health, friendships, marriage,
work, your integrity
• Poor boundaries can limit your life and
cause misery
• It is useful to know where you have
erected defenses instead of healthy
• This course is about handling life in a
way that protects your time and energy
for the things that really matter to you.
• It is hard to define or understand
yourself without a clear understanding
of your boundaries
• It requires a good understanding of our
inner life-our beliefs, thoughts,
feelings, decisions ,choices and
experiences. It also includes wants,
needs, sensations, intuitions and
unconscious factors.
• Many people go to extremes with
boundaries, either being boundary less
or being overly ridged, or flip-flopping
between these
Assessment of
• Boundary survey -lets do this now-the
assessment is quite detailed so we will
take it home to determine our specific
boundary areas
• There are 4 main types of boundariessee table 1.1
• Have a look at this list and identify
areas where you have or had boundary
• See table 15.2 –rate yourself on these
• Boundary exercise
Boundaries-Lesson 2
• We will go over our homework
assignment-Using a dyad we will
discuss our most important boundary
• Think/pair/share-What boundaries
were healthy and unhealthy in your
• String exercise
• Formation of boundaries occurs in
childhood and our boundary making
abilities depended on the relative
function or dysfunction of our families
Formation of Boundaries
• Families can range from being fairly
dysfunctional where boundaries were
ignored, confused, or commonly
violated to families that were fairly
• It is quite rare for any family to have
good boundaries in all areas
• You learn your original boundaries in
your family but obviously people
change and you may have healthy
boundaries in areas where they were
unhealthy in your family and vice versa
Family Boundaries
• Boundary problems can come in
several varieties
• Too Ridged-also called wallsthese are absolute rules that can
be too confining: you can’t ever
play in the living room
• Too Flexible-where the
boundaries change easily or are
not enforced-one day you are
allowed to do something the next
day you are not
Family Boundaries
• Too Distant: When the parent is very
distant, rarely touches, abandons the
child or spends little time with the
• Too permeable: when a parents identity
becomes immersed in the child’s-this
sometimes happens to mothers and
• Too closed: some parents have very
ridged beliefs such that new ideas can’t
get in-it’s their way or the highwaythese parents are often cut off from
their feelings and can’t handle
Family Boundaries
• Enmeshment: this is where a
person doesn’t distinguish
themselves from the other at allthey take on the others attitudes
,beliefs, interests, friends, goals as
if they were their own-they even
speak for the other
Workplace Boundaries
Problems Saying No Lesson
• “Burnout” is actually not a
primary problem -it is a
symptom of poor or non existent
boundary setting
• Poor boundary setting has many
underlying causes: people
pleasing, unwillingness to say no,
poor boundaries in family of
origin, fear of standing up for
yourself, lack of understanding of
your own core values, poor
emotional self care etc.
Workplace BoundariesPower of No
• When you were 2 years old you
had no problem saying no, but in
this culture it is drilled out of you
by teachers parents and friends-so
by the time people are adults
many have trouble saying no to
• Axiom: The damage done by
saying yes indiscriminately will
exceed any damage done to your
relationships by saying no
The Power of No
• “Yes people” quickly become weighted
down, feel torn or trapped, are
overcommitted and overworked and
feel taken advantage of
• “Yes people” can become passive
aggressive this means the anger or
resentment goes underground and
shows up as not returning calls, being
distant, being late or bailing out of the
commitment with weak excuses
• Having a “giver” type of personality
works against you here-the world is
full of “takers”
The Power of No
• It is not the job of the “takers”
to set your boundaries-it is your
job and your issue
• If you don’t set your own
boundaries other people always
will-nature abhors a vacuum!!
• My definition of Passive
aggressiveness is “torturing
myself and others for my
unwillingness to set healthy
The Power of No
• Blaming others is often a tip off
that boundaries need to be set by
• Why is saying no so hard for
many people?
• “Terminal Niceness” these
people believe it will ruin the
relationship if they say no-in fact
the inevitable passive
aggressiveness is the real danger
to the relationship
The Power of No
• Poor sense of priorities: some
people are unwilling or unable to
live their lives consistent with
their values because they are
unclear about their values
• People who are clear about their
values find it much easier to make
tough decisions-if you value time
with your children you will not
give this time away to clients,
other lawyers partners etc.
Knowing what is most
important to you
• Many people will clearly state that
family, spouses, friends, physical and
mental health are important but when
we look at how they actually live (by
looking at how they spend their time) it
appears money and business success
are more important-this incongruence
is the root of the problem
• One test is that if you had 6 months to
live would you do this activity? Would
you really say on your death-bed “I
wish I had spent more time at the
People Pleasing
• Another reason people have trouble
saying no is that they are obsessed
about what other people are thinking
about them
• In my self esteem workshops we call
this other-esteem which is a poor
substitute for genuine self esteem
• Other-esteem is giving your power
away on the false belief other people
are thinking about you-in other words
you have a story you are telling
yourself about the story you believe
other people have of you (thus you
worry about your image)
People Pleasing
• If you believe this delusion you will
spend the rest of your life on a fruitless
search to increase your esteem from the
• I always say to lawyers: in your 20’s
you are very concerned about what
other people think of you, in your 30’s
and 40’s you start to say I don’t care
what other people are thinking about
me, in your 50’s and 60’s you realize
they weren’t thinking about you!!
• It is folly to govern your life to try and
please others
Field Interdependence
• This does not mean you go the
opposite extreme and become a
• Field dependence, field independence ,
field interdependence, field awareness
• Good relationships are dependent on
good boundaries
• People with good boundaries are
admired and trusted - you can be
assured their yes means yes and their
no means no-they don’t need hidden
Boundary BehaviorsProblems saying no
• There is a boundary problem
wherever there is a problem
setting limits or where there is a
failure to respect other people’s
• Compliant behavior -this where
people have fuzzy or indistinct
boundaries-they melt into the
demands and needs of other
people. They are like chameleons.
They are unwilling or unable to
say no, like a ship with broken
Boundary BehaviorsProblems saying no
• When people are compliant they don’t
say no due to fears like: hurting the
others feelings fear of abandonment
and separateness, fear of another's
anger, fear of punishment, fear of being
shamed, being seen as bad or selfish,
fear of being unspiritual etc.
• Avoidant behavior -inability to ask
for help or recognize our own needs or
let others in. Avoidants withdraw when
they are in need. Boundaries are not
walls but rather like fences with a gate
allowing in the good while keeping out
the bad
Boundary Behaviors
• Controlling behavior- Controllers
don’t respect other peoples limits-they
are likely to see other peoples
boundaries as a challenge to try and
change their minds or simply ignore
their boundaries. They resist taking
responsibility for their own lives so
they need to control the lives of others.
In extreme cases they become
manipulative and aggressive bullies
• Controllers can be quite dangerous to
themselves and others
Boundary Behaviors
• Controllers cannot delay
gratification so they are unwilling
or unable to hear another persons
no-also they are usually isolated
and alone since the people around
them are there due to fear, guilt or
• If this occurs in a relationship it
requires a compliant partner who
has an unconscious agreement to
allow themselves to be controlled
Boundary Behaviors
• Nonresponsive Behavior- these people are
either insensitive or oblivious to the needs of
others. They can take the form of supercritical
people or narcissistic people obsessed with
their own self importance
• Most people fall into these categories from
time to time or in certain situations or with
certain people-some do it more often at work
than at home or vice versa. For some people
these behaviors are a dominant force in their
lives and have catastrophic consequences
• Boundary Workbook-2- exercises-complete
these and go over them with another person
Workplace Boundaries in
Practice-Lesson 4
• Lawyers face numerous boundary
issues at work-there are client
boundaries, money boundaries,
lawyers on the other side of files,
lawyers you work with, time
boundaries, ethical boundaries etc.
• Some boundaries are clearly
defined by the Law Society (you
can’t take your clients money)
some are fuzzy (having a
relationship with a co-worker or
staff member)
Workplace Boundaries in
• Many boundary issues, predictably,
have very unhappy endings-sexual
harassment still occurs, office affairs or
romances are still common, the
impromptu strip tease or telling off the
senior partner, or wearing a lampshade
on your head all still occur at the office
Christmas party
• Parties, retreats and (Fri pm) after
hours office events with alcohol, or
cocaine or marijuana are gold mines
for boundary problems
Boundary Setting Tips
• If you are resentful or angry with
someone or silently fuming or even
irritated it is usually the universe
inviting you to set a boundary
• The Boundary must be appropriate
under the circumstances-there will be a
consequence whether you set a
boundary or not or if you delay it
• The boundary may require a
consequence involving your behavior
i.e.. If you do that again I will leave the
room-I won’t drive with you again
unless you drive the speed limit
Boundary Setting Tips
• Complaining about them is not
boundary setting- “you are such a jerk,
why do you drive so fast?”
• Your boundary will be tested
sometimes within minutes-expect itprepare for it
• Your boundary is not a debate or a
discussion-no reasons are necessarythe boundary discussion should be in as
few words as is possible “you are on
my foot –get off” is all you need
• Do not justify or rationalize- “No” is a
complete sentence
Boundary Setting Tips
• The more reasons you give the more
ammunition you give the other personyou don’t want to invite a discussion
• The other person usually will not like it
and may not take it well-if they choose
to hurt themselves with your boundary
it is their issue not yours-don’t buy into
• Be prepared to face whatever
consequences that result and be aware
that they are almost always less than if
you don’t set a boundary
• Boundaries are not about control or
Boundary Setting Tips
• Good boundary setting comes
with practice, start small and work
up to more difficult boundaries
• Some people believe that they
can’t set boundaries at work or
they will be fired, that is quite
rare- much more often people quit
or get fired or burn out by not
setting enough boundaries
• Do you want to work anywhere
that doesn’t respect your
Boundary Setting is a
Career Advantage
• If you don’t set boundaries you will
burn out, stretch yourself too thin, or
do a mediocre job
• If you become the office go-to person
because you never say no you invite
your own boundary crashing party!!
• You need to teach some people how to
treat you by setting good boundariesi.e... teach them how you need to be
• Ask “what is the advantage of saying
yes here?
Office Boundary Setting
• There is a fine line between high performance
and overload
• Some people will go into overload for fear
they will be considered lazy-In my experience
law offices contain the most hard working
people I have ever met-if you have lasted
more than 6 months in this business it is safe
to assume laziness is not an issue
• Some people that work more “normal jobs”
consider everybody who works in a law office
a workaholic-the average work week in law is
50 hours -for the rest of the world it is 35-that
means the average lawyer works 60 hours
more a month than average already!!
Business and Social
• You get invited to a co-workers
wedding on a weekend you would
prefer to do other things
• Where do you stand on these
types of invitations? One test is
the level of closeness to the
person –would you go even if s/he
was not a Colleague?
• Some people draw walls between
work and social contact with
coworkers-others are more
Office Power Plays
• One difference between setting
personal and work boundaries is
the power differential-you can’t
be fired from your family but you
can at work
• Many people won’t set boundaries
due to this fear
• Often this fear is overblown-few
people are actually fired for
refusing to set boundaries at work
Office Power Plays
• Some managers in law offices will laud
their position and any power it gives
them over you.
• The most dangerous are those whose
life is their job, their business and
personal life are one and the same, the
classic workaholic-very common in
law offices
• They will push your boundaries all the
time and will not stop until you say no
• They will ask anything of anybody
and will not stop until you boundary
Client Boundaries
• Saying no to clients is almost
heresy in some law offices-yet
many law society complaints
would be avoided if no had been
said more often
• In many cases no is the best
response “I want these companies
done by tomorrow” or doing a
case that you have little expertise
or doing a case without a retainer
are all classic client boundary
issues lawyers are prone to
Lawyer – Client
Boundaries-Lesson 5
• This area causes many lawyers a
lot of grief since there are many
duties owed to clients which can
trap the unwary boundary setter
• A huge percentage of Law society
complaints are due to poor or no
boundary setting by the Lawyer
• Some issues involve crashing the
clients boundary i.e. conflicts of
interest cases
• Money boundaries are largely set by
the law society
• Retainers and non payment of feesThis is a money boundary that causes
no end of grief for some lawyers
• Not getting a retainer or running out of
retainer-has many unintended
consequences-slowness or lack of
interest in the file by the lawyer, also
causes stress for the lawyer since at the
back of their mind is always the
possibility that they won’t get paid,
also with no retainer the client has “no
skin in the game” and can be
• Transferring money before the work is
done or before a bill is rendered is a
common cause of suspension or
disbarment-this is an example of
ignoring a client boundary
• Over billing or exaggerating billing
(charging for 2 hours when something
only took 1 hour) is another example
• Undercharging or not charging at all
violates your own money boundary-be
clear about your agenda for not billingnothing wrong with pro-bono if that is
the clear intention
• If clear time boundaries are not set out here
problems are inevitable-remember burnout is
self induced by poor boundary setting
• Classic examples are taking on too much
work, setting unrealistic completion dates,
agreeing to appointments in non business
hours, unlimited access by phone, fax or
email are certain to increase stress
• What about client service? Clients appreciate
realistic boundaries-if you lose a client by
setting boundaries you are doing both of you
a favor!!-Clients that set unrealistic demands
are stress creators and either let them go or set
tough boundaries around them
• Another time issue is holidays and time away
from work-In law, not taking frequent
restorative breaks creates huge stress and
• The busier you are the more time off is
necessary-sometimes when I ask a stressed
out Lawyer when they had their last
substantial break they say 3 years ago or
• Also frequent breaks during the day are
necessary-i.e. working out or going for a walk
or yoga at lunch is very stress relievingwolfing down a sandwich at your desk-not so
much! Also just a 5 minute walk or social
break is very stress relieving
• Be aware you may have to fight for this!!
Lawyer-Client Boundaries
• Taking on clients that are annoying or high
maintenance violates your own boundaries, or
taking on cases you aren’t good at or can’t
deal with promptly violates your clients
• Setting good boundaries around clients is not
easy and you may be in a legal culture that
doesn’t support healthy boundaries
• Be aware that whatever painful consequences
you get from good boundary setting will be
much less painful than poor or no boundary
• Many consequences are just fearful fortune
telling-The client will leave or be unhappy
Lawyer-Client Boundaries
• Good boundary setting increases self
respect and respect from others
• It does take courage!!
• Remember- a No to another is Yes to
you!!-This is the essence of self
definition and self respect!
• Some lawyers overemphasize their
duty to their client and crash
boundaries with other lawyers, being
pushy or disrespectful-this has
increased in recent years
• It never helps your case if you are rude to
other lawyers or judges-crashing other
peoples boundaries only demonstrates
foolishness and insensitivity
• Some very controlling and aggressive lawyers
will ignore your boundaries and push their
own agenda-you must be very vigilant with
these people and guard your own boundariesremember they are either oblivious to your
boundaries or will deliberately crash them
• Saying no firmly, with voice tone and body
language to match will be necessary here
• Your boundary will be tested almost
immediately by these people-get used to
saying no again
Office Boundary Setting
• We will now do some role plays
to flex your boundary setting
• As you set more boundaries (and
begin to see where you are not
setting good boundaries) your
skills will improve
• Generally the closer the
relationship the harder it is to
set good boundaries
• Study the No credo handout
Family Boundaries
Lesson 7
• Family boundary setting can be the
most difficult to do-you can quit your
job but not your family
• Also, even one NO can ignite a feud or
hurt feelings for years-and the issue
will be telegraphed to everyone else in
the family; usually with the boundary
setter as the bad guy
• Because of the nature of family ties it
is difficult to avoid the repercussions
and so these are for advanced boundary
Family Boundaries
• Remember that the meta-message of
always saying “yes” is that you put
yourself last and your needs are
unimportant, so why shouldn’t they
also put you last?
• In families you must actually train
others how you want to be treated
• Another complication is that as you
grow up the boundaries need to
change-your parents will always see
you as an incompetent 10 year old even
if you are a lawyer and are 40 years old
Family Boundaries
• Yet another complication is that the
closer or more intimate you are with
someone the harder it is to set
boundaries around them and the more
there is to lose
• Unfortunately, relatives are often the
most likely to invade you privacy,
crash your boundaries, ask for the
outrageous, or made impossible
demands. They will also often blame
you or make you wrong when you try
and set healthy boundaries
Family Boundaries
• Often one person in the family is
the go-to person that every one
else relies on-God help you if it is
• Rebuilding, fortifying and
defending your boundaries is
necessary if your family is driving
you nuts
• Being your own person means
saying “no” to people you love
Annoying Relatives
• Unless you very lucky you will have
inherited at least one or more
annoying, obnoxious relatives and
those numbers usually increase
(sometimes exponentially) when you
get into a long term relationship or
• Setting boundaries around these people
is tricky but necessary
• Making them wrong for who they are
or hoping they will change won’t work
• Not setting boundaries will result in
some form of passive aggressive
Boundary Setting Parents
• Your parents have spent many
years getting you to do what they
wanted and be polite and obedient
about doing it-and you have
developed patterns about reacting
to these requests
• Changing this old game requires
tough boundaries
• Saying “No” to mom and dad is
almost counterintuitive for many
Parent Boundary Setting
• This has to be done well or the
consequences may be severe
• Do not expect an enlightened responseyou may be blamed or gossiped about
with other family members
• The boundary will be tested;
sometimes immediately
• You may become a persona non grata
for a while
• Make the consequences about what
you are going to do, not about asking
them to change or be different
Family Boundaries-Common
Lesson 8
• There are numerous potential family
boundary issues and here we will
discuss a few common ones
• Triangles- these can be defined as an
unhealthy relationship between 3
• One form of triangulation is gossipthis can involve recruiting allies for, or
enemies against someone, or can be a
way of dumping anger and is a way of
indirectly dealing with an issue. It is
sometimes done to avoid a direct
• Gossip is like a cancer that creates
discord and unease
• It doesn’t solve problems and is a
violation of healthy communication
• It doesn’t heal feelings, the conflict
with the original person remains
• Some gossip is in the form of secrets or
an egoic need for temporary power or
superiority “I’ll bet you didn’t know
that your brother in law is going to be
demoted at his company-let me tell you
about it”
• Talking about a third person is not
always gossip
• In gossip the 3rd party is
equidistant to the two talkers, in
clarification the 3rd party is closer
to the speaker
• With gossip the listener is
stimulated to some action, with
clarification it is the speaker
• In clarification the absent person
is informed of the conversation
• A classic triangle is rescuer,
victim and persecutor
• My mother (victim) would
sometimes ask me (rescuer) to
talk to my brother in law
(persecutor) to try and get him to
agree to what my mother wanted
to do (i.e. to try and change his
mind about staying home for
• The potential for disaster is easy
to see here and often these roles
quickly change
• If my sister secretly agrees with
her husband- the brother in law
becomes the rescuer, I become the
victim and my mother becomes
the persecutor
• These triangles thrive on
dishonesty, shoulds, unspoken
needs,guilt,shame,and anger
• What are the triangles in your
Celebration Boundaries
• Many family conflicts are created
by the boundary problems around
birthdays, Christmas, weddings,
gifts, etc.
• A happy holiday is rejuvenating
and necessary to mental health, a
bad holiday is worse than useless
• The problem is that every family,
has their own version of the way
the event “should” be
Celebration Boundaries
• Creating successful holiday
boundaries: see guidelines in handout
• Good communication is crucial here,
what are the expectations? What is
everyone's vision of the event?
• Boundaries like “we are having dinner
at 7pm,if you are not there be aware we
will start without you”-or “I am willing
to commit $500 towards the 50th
wedding anniversary party but no
more” may need to be set
Family Boundaries
• Weddings: the usual boundary
violation here is unsolicited
parental influences, such as
predetermining the guest list etc.
• Birthdays: The birthday person
gets to set their own preferences
• Valentines day: Many women
want to be treated like a princess
here and wise men make that
Family Boundaries
• No occasion is reason to subject
yourself to abuse just because
it’s a holiday
• You never have to tolerate
criticism, humiliation, sexual
harassment, being ignored or
being subject to drunkenness.
Being related to someone is never
a license to be treated badly
• You can set boundaries, rather
than avoid these events
Family Boundaries
• If you are doing something out of
duty, obligation or fear this
usually means a boundary is
crying out to be set
• “Dad, if you drink you can’t babysit the grandchildren”
• “Mom, I'll come to the party but if
you mention the fact I am still
single I will leave”
• “ Uncle John: I am not willing to
be around you if you keep putting
down Lawyers”
Gift Giving
• Gift giving in some families is so
mechanical it can take on absurd
dimensions-one Christmas I gave my
brother and sisters 6 kids $50 gift
certificates and my siblings gave me
$150 gift certificates-at least it was a
• Gifts can be manipulative (sexy
clothing) or critical (pass to LA. weight
loss) or inappropriate (vacuum cleaner
for wife's birthday) or can even be a
boundary violation (I gave my brothers
boys Swiss army knives when they
were too young and within hours all 3
had cut themselves)
Boundaries and Your
Primary Relationship-Lesson
• Nowhere are boundaries more
important and necessary than in a
primary relationship
• In no other relationship is boundary
setting more difficult
• Boundaries need to be set very early in
a primary relationship- one of the first
is often the boundaries around other
romances and sex-fidelity boundariesanother early boundary is the level of
• These boundaries need to be precise
and often evolve as the relationship
Boundaries and Primary
• Expectations need to be discussed
early on-even simple things like
“do we hold hands in public or
not”-or “how much alone time
does each of us need?”
• Relationships follow a predictable
psychological path, unfortunately
most of our learning comes from
media which grossly distorts
peoples idea of how a relationship
should be or how it evolves
Boundaries and Primary
• Because media romances, and myths
like Cinderella dominate peoples ideas
of relationships real relating is
complicated by fundamental
• For example some people believe
romance should last forever and is the
same as intimacy
• Many people confuse sex and intimacy
• A more accurate model is
Developmental Stages of Relationships
by Wong and McKeen-see handout
Boundaries and Primary
• Each stage of relationship has different tasks
and different boundaries to deal with
• Romance-this stage is based on
objectification and is fueled by ignorance and
projection- you are in relationship with
your story of the other
• As everyone knows this is often the most
exciting part of relationships and is only
ended as objectification diminishes and time
elapses-that is as intimacy develops the
romance fades
• Some people can extend it by long distance
relationships or extending the dating period
• Hopes and dreams for the future are
established here
Boundaries and Primary
• The romance stage is usually fairly
effortless and lots of fun so is fodder
for books and movies-it can last from a
few days to as much as 2 years-as long
as you perpetuate the story and avoid
• The next stage is power struggle and
will make or break the relationship
• In this stage a good communication
model is needed as well as good
conflict resolution skills-this stage can
last for the life of the relationship or be
over in as little as 5 years
Boundaries and Primary
• People can either go through this stage,
get stuck in it, or separate-only a small
percentage of people make it
• Some get stuck in apathy which is like
a psychological divorce-it looks like a
relationship but it is dead
• This stage often produces walls instead
of boundaries, and sometimes confuses
control with boundary setting, since
both are often trying to control the
Boundaries and Primary
• In this stages many boundaries
must be set i.e. level of violence
(violence is any form of crossing
of boundaries) some couple may
allow verbal chiding some may
not-most couples do not allow
physical hitting
• It is not necessary for each
person to have the same
boundary-you must however
know about the boundary of the
Basic Boundaries
• Another core boundary is sharing
• What consists of an equal contribution?
This is where a good communication
model and skills in conflict resolution
are necessary
• Some couples settle differences easily,
others need time, considerable effort
and outside help
• It is not how compatible you are; it is
how well do you deal with each
others incompatibility!!
Basic Boundaries
• Level of truth-most couples say
they want 100% honesty but in
practice few are willing or able to
do this-is this even a realistic
standard? Is some level of
privacy/secrecy necessary in a
• Time alone-everybody needs time
alone and often these needs are
different in each partner-some
people can’t tolerate being alone
at all, which can be a neurosis
Basic Boundaries
• Other people-Boundaries need to be set
here, for example around relatives,
friends or people where there is sexual
or emotional attraction
• “Clearing” is necessary for intimacythis a process where people, using a
specific communication model, let the
other know what is going on
• Exercise-lets fill in the Primary
Relationship Boundary worksheetwhat boundaries need to be set in your
relationship now?