Understanding and Supporting the Process
Of Grief and Loss in Children and Youth
Being separated from loved ones and being torn from
home and everything familiar is devastating for
children and youth. The resulting experiences of loss
and grief are profound and lasting. Because children
usually have no choices in this experience, the impact
for them is more severe than that for the adults in
similar events.
Beverly Kyer
Educator and Public Speaker
2011
925.709.3300
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Learning Objectives
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Recognizing and examining grief as a natural process
in children and youth
Increasing understanding and awareness of the stages
and reactions to grief in children
Building empathy to shift away from pathologizing
grief responses in children
Building comfort to talk about Loss with children
Learning techniques for helping children manage and
move through Grief
Honoring grief triggers that surface for us during the
work
Understanding that healing is an ongoing process
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Grief is a Journey to be Shared with
Children of all ages
No matter the nature of the loss, the grief
process forever shapes the internal working
model and resultant behaviors for the child.
Our role as caretakers and providers will be
to help the child process, cope and eventually
integrate the overwhelming and persistent
feelings they are struggling with.
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
To Support the Grief Journey of
Others, Recognize Our Own.
INTRODUCTIONS AND SHARING
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My Mother [my first real horrifying shock]
My Grandparents
My Husband left for Vietnam [I just gave birth]
I was a late life child; many losses
Children with cancer [an all consuming battle]
Almost Fiancée [a tear in the fabric of my soul]
Veteran patients [I couldn’t save them]
My daughter’s Mother
My Father; [my collapse]
Two suicides [the guilt and the why persist forever]
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
How Can We Manage Grief;
Ours and Theirs Concurrently?
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Recognize what comes up for you.
Do not flee from it; honor and allow it.
Recognize that the child needs you more
right now.
Your tears (if they come) are just fine.
(Say to the child crying is good for the soul, spirit, body)
(Say to the child that you feel for their sadness)
While we may be in distress how can we suspend
our own needs and stay with the child’s needs at the
moment the child begins to release their grief?
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
The Casualty of Relying on Resilience
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
The Casualty of
Relying on Resilience
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According to Childhood Grief Expert Darla
Henry, “Children grieve and adults must
understand their intensely painful responses
to trauma and loss (Rando, 1993).
Many children in the child welfare placement
system experience non-resolution of their
losses.
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
The Casualty of
Relying on Resilience
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As a result, there is an increasing intensity
of their unexpressed feelings and behaviors,
deepening depression and the progression
of protest into anger and ultimately rage.
Children who do well in foster or adoptive
placements may do so because of the
conscious or unconscious ability of those
parents to assist children in grieving their
losses.?
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
An Exercise in Empathy
Bella’s story
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I will read the story
You will imagine being Bella and
respond as Bella
Given these experiences, how could
you be helped to grieve, or should you
be expected to out grow it.
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
GRIEF IS A NATURAL PROCESS
Handout “A”
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Grief as a Natural Process
The Handout “A”
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Overview
How to help the child
Common mistakes
Taking care of yourself
Children’s understanding of death
(Developmental implications & Common Responses)
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Elizabeth Keubler-Ross
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Shock/Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Depression/Despair
Understanding/Acceptance
These stages do not operate as a linear process
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Handout “B”
The Stages Operate the Same When the
Loss is not Related to a Death.
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The protest
[struggle get back the parent (s)/family]
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Anger as a defense
[protects from facing loss; saying what hurts; source of fear; guilt]
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Despair/deep sorrow
[helplessness or loss of hope for return]
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Assessing Grief
It is important to understand the nature of the
loss experienced by the child.
Natural Death (old age; illness)
Traumatic Death (Violence in or near the home; car accident)
Loss of family (Incarceration; removed for abuse)
Ambiguous loss (Are we reunifying? If not, what is the relationship)
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Shock Intensifies the Pain
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Shock Intensifies
The Loss & Grief Experience
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Strong sense of unreality
Feelings of intense guilt and rage
Extreme need to blame someone
Strong sense of helplessness
Real & imagined unfinished business with
the deceased can cause feelings of
frustration and betrayal
The “why” need is dramatically increased
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Understanding Feelings and Behavior
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Understanding Feelings
and Behaviors
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Feelings are Common and Normal
[children need to know this is normal; there are no short cuts. Hurting &
crying are part of the healing process]
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Feelings are a Priority
[The child’s feelings and concerns must take priority. Stop everything and
focus the very second they attempt to open up]
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Feelings Exist
[Allow anger, guilt, shame, fear, etc to be expressed. Show
authentic empathy, respect and support]
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Understanding Feelings
and Behaviors
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Respect Differences
[Do not norm the Child’s experiences, timing/duration and reactions.
Accept and validate each emotion just as it is and as it occurs]
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Witness
[Remember that children most often just want someone to bear
witness to their pain]
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Understanding Feelings
and Behaviors
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Support
[If the child seems to be playing up grief for attention, this is a
signal that some other need is likely not being met]
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Disclosure/Share
[Loss happens to everyone. Learning that you are not alone in the
experience lessens some of the fear and brings one out of isolation]
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Supporting the Tasks of Mourning
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Supporting the Tasks of Mourning
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The Four Tasks:
by Maria Trozzi
Understanding what caused the loss
Grieving/experiencing the painful feelings
associated with the loss
Commemorating [Symbolic ceremonies]
Going on with life
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Supporting the Tasks of Mourning
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The Helpful Caregiver/Provider
Foster an open and honest relationship
Provide a safe and secure place for the
child to mourn
Listen, listen, listen, listen
Help preserve the memory of the lost
Be a role model of healthy mourning
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Just When You Think Things are Getting Better
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
After the Sunshine Comes
the Storm
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Many children are only able to release
deeply suppressed grief after they feel
secure in your unconditional love.
The wounds in the hearts of children need
to begin to heal. The child will then need to
express their grief through words.
Listen ………
Bella’s Story, by Clark & Post
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Creative Tools and
Outlets for the Child
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Life books
[Pictorial stories about the loved one. Allow the child to adorn the book with
color and design]
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Letters to Heaven or the Universe
[Allow the child to send a message of what they want to say to the
deceased person. This is a powerful intervention (bury/float/balloon]
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Rituals to say goodbye
[a planned goodbye mitigates the unfinished business that complicates the
grief that follows loss: A gathering of special people]
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Creative Tools and
Outlets for the Child
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Creative Art Play
[Art allows for expression of overwhelming non verbalized pain. Poetry can
bring comfort. Clay can be cathartic; Books express the universality off death
and loss]
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Journal Writing
[Suggest topics: what I remember most about..; what I wish I could
say; If I could talk to God; How is … still with me?; what I learned
from… that I can take into the future}
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Vision a Future
[Where do I go from here?; what’s next? What is the meaning and
purpose for my life?]
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Cited Works
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Dr. Bruce Perry, MD,., Ph.D. Preeminent
Trauma Neuroscientist
Darla L Henry, Social Worker, Consultant
and Author of the 3-5-7 Model
B Bryan Post, Ph.D. & Nancy Clark, MFT CoAuthors of “The Forever Child” series
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW
Cited Works
Alexander, 1999; Aust, 1981;
Backhaus, 1984; Fahberg, 1991;
Fahberg & Jewett, 1978Keck &
Kulpecky, 1995; McInturf, 1986;
McMillan & Weiner, 1988; Rycus &
Hughes, 1998 all emphasized the
importance and value of the Life
Story book for all foster children.
Beverly Kyer, MSW; ACSW