Paper 4: Marriage
Typed interview notes are at the bottom :)
Description of the married couple:
The couple is a heterosexual couple with a 47 year old wife (person A) and a 50 year old
husband (person B). Person A is a part time actress and stay at home mom. She graduated from
Stanford and briefly became a lawyer before switching careers to pursue her passions in acting.
Person B works at a website design and domain name company. He graduated from Berkely and
is the breadwinner of the family. They both live in Los Altos and person A was born around here
while person B was born in Taiwan. They have been married for a little over 20 years. They have
2 children.
Courtship:
They met through a mutual friend that was person A’s teacher and family friend. This
mutual friend introduced her to person B and they went on a few dates after that. They dated for
a little under a year before person B proposed in Japan. Person A said that she looked for
intelligence, compassion, and support for her career in a mate. She wanted a tall guy and
someone who wanted kids. Person B said that he looked for good character, intelligence and
beauty. This couple follows the rules of endogamy because they are both Chinese Americans,
non religious, of middle class, and less than a 4 year age gap. They also follow the rules of
exogamy as they are not related and identify as male and female respectively.
Love:
Person A knew that she loved him after a fight they had two or three months into dating.
Person A says that they made up in a really meaningful way and she knew that he was the one.
Person B says that he knew that he loved her after a few weeks of dating her. He said that with
the right person, you know right away. According to the videos on love it seems that their early
relationship consisted of mostly Romantic love as they were both physically attracted and
emotionally open to each other, though person B did not fully commit to the relationship until
later. As they’ve gotten older, they seem to have more companionate love because they are close
emotionally and have been very committed, though passion seems to have decreased.
Marriage:
Person A said that marriage should be based upon mutual respect and trust that the other
person has their back. She said that respect and seeing your partner as your equal is absolutely
key in a balanced and equal-feeling relationship. She said that the right time to marry is when
you know the good and bad aspects of a person and have learned to communicate. She said that
going into the marriage, she expected his respect and that they would both work and share
household chores, though when she had kids she planned to step away from working for a while.
Person A said that these expectations were partially met. When she took a break from working,
she found herself in a more traditional housewife role, which is not what she wanted. She did
eventually start working again, but her career was definitely changed as she was now an older
actress that brought different roles and auditioning strategies. She works part time and when she
is not in a show, she does most of the household chores and organizes family gatherings.
Person B said that they think it is most important to continue to invest in the relationship
and see the other person in the best possible light. He says valuing your partner is the strongest
foundation for a marriage. He said that about a year after meeting is a good time to marry. Too
short a time and you don't know them enough. Too long a time and the relationship will lose
momentum. Going into the marriage he was expecting them to both work and had neutral
feelings about having kids. He did agree to have kids and was supportive when person A decided
to take a step back from working to care for the young kids between the ages of 0-4. Though
person A works part-time, person B does minimal household chores. He is in charge of fixing
any appliances, car maintenance, and utility control, though these things are done less frequently
than cooking or cleaning.
​
Overall, this couple is more traditional and has become more traditional over time. As the
children grew to about 4 years old, person A began working again, though when the children
entered high school she scaled back work again to support their college preparations. She has
leaned increasingly into the traditional roles for women, but is hoping to go back to working
when the children leave for college. From my perspective, they do not have a peer marriage.
There is more than a 60-40 percent split of household chores, with person A doing closer to
75-85 percent of them. They do not really share income responsibilities and there is less respect
and value placed on person A’s job because she works part time and makes less income as an
actress. Because of this, person A has less control over the family finances, though she does
always have access to funds. Person A has the same or even slightly more influence over
disputed decisions. Out of Schwartz’ four requirements for a peer marriage, this couple meets
only one of them.
Advice:
Person A says it’s very important to meet your partner’s family and get to know them
because you are not just marrying the person, but your in-laws too. You have to be with your
partner’s family so you should observe the mother-son dynamic because that is how he will treat
you. Person B says it’s to continue investing in the relationship so that the connection and love
doesn’t fizzle out. Both recommend communication of your feelings and honesty.
Overall, I feel that this interview was a reminder to me to have strong boundaries about
my own career and future in life. Person A is more educated and initially had a better job
(initially a lawyer) than person B and she still ended up basically a housewife. I am determined
to seek out a different life outcome and focus on my education, building a career, and having a
social life. I think this interview can aid me in finding someone with kind in-laws, or at the very
least in-laws I can tolerate.
Interview notes taken on the Notes App:
Interview answers from person A (wife)
●​ Marriage interview form labeled as A and B
●​ Met through a professor who introduced them.
●​ Dated for less than a year before B proposed to A in Japan.
●​ A looked for a tall, intelligent man who would support her career
●​ A wanted kids
●​ A was about 3.5 years younger than B
●​ A and B are not religious
●​ Married for over 20 years
●​ A knew she loved B after they had dated for several months following a brief fight.
●​ A thinks marriage should be based upon mutual respect and trust that the other person has their
back.
●​ Concerns about respect in that A has less control over finances.
●​ Expectations partially met. Some traditional dynamic though
●​ Meet their in laws and get to know them because you are not just marrying the person, but also
their in-laws too. You have to be with this family too so you should observe the mother-son
dynamic because that is how he will treat you.
Interview answers from person B (husband)
●​ They met through a mutual friend. The friend was her teacher and family friend from childhood.
They met for the first time in redwood shores.
●​ B looked for good character, intelligence and beauty.
●​ Expected both to work
●​ On the fence about kids
●​ Pretty early on, after a few weeks. Usually with the right person you know right away.
●​ B thinks about a year after meeting is a good time.
●​ Too short a time and you don't know them enough. Too long a time and the relationship will lose
momentum.
●​ It is important to invest in the relationship.
●​ To see the other person in the best possible light.
●​ To value your partner.