Broken Beyond Repair
By Chris Gathof
Broken Beyond Repair
A special thanks to Brittany, Tatum
Foreword HELLO READER, My name is Chris Gathof and I am glad that you
are reading my book. While reading this book you will take an emotional roller coaster. I
want you to understand that I am sharing this to help others. I hope you enjoy my book. If
you have any questions or feedback, there will be an email at the bottom of this page. I
wrote this book to reach out to the youth all across this world and share my story. I want
them to understand that there is always a future. I want them to know that there is help if
they need it. I also want them to understand that THEY determine their future. Not their
friends. Not their parents. Most defiantly not the facts or statistics that we get caught up
in while associating with them. While reading this book you will follow a nearly 2-year
journey of Self Discovery, Heartbreak and perseverance. I very often look back at my
time as a youth at this placement and I am grateful for the people who chose to help me
overcome my past and help me gain control of my future. This Book may turn into a sires
of books. As this is only just a part of my journey. If I determine that I want to release
more than I will. If not, then please consider my apologies. This book could trigger
flashback for victims of abuse so please read at your own risk. All names have been
changed for the privacy of others. Thanks, Chris Gathof
Chapter 1- A new beginning
I arrived at the Brooklawn youth center on a cold September afternoon. My state
social worker Jason walked me into the administration building and explained to me that
my new home would be a new beginning. Jason was a small guy of medium build; he
wore khakis and a blue button-down shirt. He had a positive attitude and seemed hopeful
this was the place I needed to be. After checking in we sat in the lobby, it was small and
stuffy. The chair I sat in squeaked as a I sat down. A small fan was on, but it did nothing
to fix the stuffy air. There we’re no books or magazines to read. This was not a good first
impression in my opinion. I wasn’t sure why I had to be here. I was in my previous
Placement Caritas a mental institution for over a year and although I had my good and
bad days, I was under the impression I would be able to go back home after I completed
my treatment there. I wanted my family and to go to a public school. I desperately wanted
to be loved. Most of all, I wanted to be free. After what seemed like forever a large man
came out and introduced himself as Chris. He was to be my therapist here at Brooklawn.
He wore glasses and seemed to be overly happy. He wore a green shirt and blue jeans. As
He walked us to his office, he cheerfully commented on his happiness of my arrival. He
acted almost as if he had won the lottery with my arrival. I was less than enthused. While
Jason and Chris discussed the details of my placement, I looked over my therapist’s
office. It was kind of small and seemed cramped. He had paperwork stacked everywhere
and there was a weird smell that was a cross between fresh cut grass and Playdough. He
had pictures of his cat and family hanging on the wall. My attention was interrupted when
Jason stood up and announced his departure. I’ll be leaving now he told me. Remember
this is a new beginning. How long do I have to be here I timidly, asked? That’s your
decision; he replied. Good then I want to leave now I thought. I knew that wasn’t an
option and I felt he was only saying that to answer my question and shut me up. I felt I
never had that decision and never would. Chris told me we needed to go over my
treatment plan and discuss the rules of Brooklawn. He handed me a handbook and told
me to make sure I read it and if I had any questions to ask any staff member. Great! More
rules I thought. I rolled my eyes and huffed. He then handed me a booklet that said
treatment plan at the top. I read over it quickly. It listed my strengths and weaknesses.
My Strengths: Funny Energetic Smart My weaknesses: Doesn't Follow Directions Anger
issues Aggressive Hyperactive Following my gaze Chris told me not to be discouraged of
my weaknesses as we all have them. Curiously I asked him his. Well let's not focus on
me. We're here to focus on you. So, tell me then, I pushed on. He glared at me and
Repeated that I was there to work on my issues. Knowing this wouldn’t get me anywhere,
I changed the subject. How long have you been here? I asked. 5 years this past June: he
replied. I hope I’m not here that long; I stated. That’s up to you; he replied. No, it’s not; I
retorted. Sure, it is; he answered. How? I asked, with slightly more edge in my voice than
anticipated. Well if you follow the program and learn the skills in your treatment plan
you can go back home, He replied. I did that at caritas, I replied. That was a more
intensive facility, He replied. So, I said. So that was step one…This is step two. This is
meant be a less restrictive facility. How is it less restrictive when I still can’t go where I
want to go and do what I want to do I asked in a heighted voice. Mr. Gathof, I will no
longer argue this with you. Now, let’s go over your goals," he replied. Whatever I replied
as I rolled my eyes. Goal # 1—Chris will learn to Follow Instructions. Goal # 2— Chris
Will Learn to control his anger. Goal # 3— Chris will learn how to control his
aggression. Goal # 4—Chris Will take his medicine every day. Goal # 5— Chris will
Learn the rules of the program. So, if I do this I get to leave, I asked. In due time, he
replied. Yea right, I replied. Look, I know you don’t want to be here. However, you are
here. You might as well work the program, and then you can go home, he explained. I
DID THAT AT CARITAS, I YELLED. MR. GATHOF YOU WILL NOT YELL IN
THIS OFFICE, HE YELLED BACK. I HATE THIS PLACE I YELLED. I got up and
ran out of his office. I ran as fast as I could. I Didn’t know where I was going but I knew
I wasn’t going to stay here. Who needs their rules? To hell with them I thought. I rounded
a corner and ran right into a man I was soon to get to know very well. Chapter 2 - Oak
Hall Hold up their young man the big strong man said as he grabbed ahold of me. Let me
go; I yelled as I struggled to get away, but he held on tightly and refused to let go. Just
calm down he responded. What’s the issue? he asked still not letting go. Screw you! I
yelled. He continued to hold me as Chris my therapist approached. Well hello Scott he
said as he walked up. I see you have met Mr. Gathof He said. I hate you yelled at Chris as
I continued to struggle against this man who would not let me go. I wish you was dead I
yelled. You fatso! I screamed and hollered but he remained silent. This new guy who I
only knew as Scott wouldn’t let me go. I didn’t want to be here! I wanted my dad! I
wanted my mom! I went limb and cried until there were no tears left. Why was I here?
Why couldn’t they just let me go home? What did I do so wrong? These were all
questions I asked myself with no answer. My thoughts were interrupted when Scott
finally spoke up. If I let you go are you going to run, he asked? No! I sobbed. Okay I’m
going to let you go. I want you to remain sitting here for a few seconds. He let go of me
and stood up. Chris spoke up and asked me if I was hurt any. Don’t talk to me I yelled.
Scott signed and mentioned to Chris he felt the time out room would me more
appropriate for me until I had time to collect my thoughts. Yes, that’s a good idea he said.
Scott told me to stand up and walk to the nearest door. I did so without a fight at all.
Honestly, I was all fought out. Scott opened the door and walked me down through A
second door. Each door that we reached he had to open with the key. As each door
closed, I realized that I wasn’t going to be leaving without the key and that the only thing
between me and freedom was a few doors. We walked down the long hallway past
several bedroom doors and at the end of the hallway I turned into the timeout room. The
time out room was actually a padded cell with a big steel heavy door with a magnetic
lock at the top. I had been in similar one’s multiple times at my previous placement
Caritas. As I entered Scott told me to stay in the Room and stood in the doorway. The
timeout room was small. It was dimly lit and smelled like rubbing alcohol. The padding
on the walls had small rips everywhere. I sat on the padded floor and cried. Scott
remained silent and gave me as much space as I could need. Finally, Scott spoke up and
asked me if I knew why he had to intervene and hold me. Realizing my actions, I nodded
slowly. Do you understand that you can’t hit people and call people names? He asked
Well he made me mad; I explained. That’s why your here, you have to learn how to
control your feelings and your anger. You have to learn to express your feelings in a
better manner. Scott explained calmly. Ok I replied. Now if you’re up to it we need to
inventory your belongings. You’re going to be in room # 8. Would you like to see your
room he asked? Sure, I said happily. My bedroom was bigger than any place id been
before. There was a small desk in the corner and a twin bed across from it. The closet was
large and spacious. The walls were painted white. Of course, like everywhere else it was
s dimly lit and the sun overpowered the light. I sat my garbage bag of clothes on the bed.
Scott pulled up a chair and helped me open it. I was kind of embarrassed at what I had as
belongings. I had 4 pairs of jeans and 3 shirts. A few other odds and ends. My most
valued possession was a small handheld radio. Scott took inventory of everything and
informed me that my radio would have to go in a storage locker and would be provided at
appropriate times. I didn’t want to let it go, music was my everything and it helped keep
me calm. Scott helped me put what clothes I had in the dresser provided. He then helped
me make the bed with the sheets and comforter provided. The sheets had seen better days
and were old and worn out. The comforter was blue and wasn’t much to look at. It had
stains on it, although it didn’t look as old and worn out as the sheets. The pillow was
another story altogether, it was very thin and didn’t look comfortable at all. It had a
plastic outer layer and smelled horrible. After we were done Scott and I walked out to the
day room to wait for the other kids that were in my dorm. The day room had 2 couches
and 4 chairs all sitting in a circle. There was a tv in one corner, a VCR sat under it that
read the time. In another corner was a whiteboard with 8 names on it and several
abbreviations on it with check marks in several places. Two things stood out to me, one
was points and another was level. My thoughts were interrupted when I heard the sound
of a door being unlocked. Everyone else was back from school. Scott spoke loudly and
told everyone to go to their rooms for quiet time. Everyone spoke loudly as they
discussed there days and made their way to there rooms. Behind them was a large man
who yelled at an individual for using foul language and mentioned taking 10 points for it.
I looked over everyone closely to see if I noticed anyone I might know from my previous
placements. I didn’t recognize anyone. I was hoping for a friend, someone to help me
figure this new place out. Someone to hang out with. But sadly, that wasn’t going to
happen. Scott turned to me and told me to go to my room for quiet time. When you get in
from school every day you go to your room for quiet time. During quiet time you must
remain in your room. You can sleep or do any activity that is quiet. You can’t talk to
anyone in any other room. Quiet time allows you to reflect on your day and time here and
what you can do to make your day better. You can write in your journal or draw. Can I
listen to my radio? I asked. No, he replied Quiet time involves being quiet and you cannot
disturb anyone else during quiet time. Sounds boring to me I thought. I entered my room
and sat on my bed. I began thinking back on my previous placement and my journey in
life before I arrived at this “new beginning “. Thinking back, I remembered the summers
I spent with my dad out on the road. He was a truck driver and drove from Louisville to
Chicago and back. I remember we used to joke around and laugh. He would sing the
songs on the radio all wrong to make me mad. Other times he would talk to the other
truckers on his CB radio. He would joke with them and talk about just about everything.
Man, I wanted to go back and be with him. He was my hero, and nothing would ever
come between him and me. The only thing that came between him and me was my anger.
I’m not sure where it came from, but I was always angry and hyper. The last straw was
when I was at my doctor’s office with my aunt and tried to choke her. I had blackened
out and didn’t remember. My doctor said I had to be committed to the hospital. I wasn’t
sure if it came from my mom the drug addict. Maybe It was the abuse from my
stepmother. She was always hitting me and my siblings for something or another. I often
blamed myself if I just didn’t get in trouble in school. l. My ADHD didn’t help; I
couldn’t focus on my schoolwork. When the other kids made fun of me, at first, I would
just ignore them. That only lasted so long. I finally had enough and busted one kids nose.
Afterward, when the teacher asked what I was thinking, I told her I would bash her head
in a locker if she bothered me again. I was at the first hospital for 2-3 months. I spent
most of that time in seclusion. Seclusion is when you are locked in a padded cell by
yourself. You can be restrained to a bed with restraints. If you’re really out of control the
staff would give you a shot of Thorazine or Benadryl. Otherwise known as the
bootyjuice. Most of the time that will put you to sleep. I left there and was placed at
caritas for the first time. Caritas is more of a long-term psychiatric institution. I again
spent Most of my time in seclusion. I was angry and was willing to fight anyone. I was
placed on many different medicines at this time in my life. I took everything from Ritalin
and Adderall to Zoloft and lithium. Nothing seemed to work. I spent so much time in
seclusion that I had built up a tolerance for Thorazine, forcing the doctors and nurses to
use a double dosage in order for it to have an effect on me. I left Caritas and was shipped
to the middle of nowhere to a group home known as Dessie Scott Children’s Home. This
group home had no time-out rooms or seclusion. I was taken off all of my medicine when
I got there. The staff at Dessie Scott Children’s Home didn’t believe in medicine or
timeouts. They preferred to take a more physical approach. Anytime I became physical at
this location, they would physically restrain me for as long as they felt was necessary,
sometimes up to two hours. I left there and got my first chance at a foster family.
However, this foster care family became a nightmare. The foster dad took a special
interest in me. He was always hugging me and kissing me and at first it was nice.
Looking back, I guess I was so desperate for love I was willing to ignore what deep down
I knew was wrong. At Night he would come in to get me ready for bed. I was a bedwetter
and I was required to wear a diaper to bed. He would often touch my privates when he
would help me get ready for bed. At first it was minimal. Eventually he was fondling me
and would tell me he knew I enjoyed it. After a while it led to me touching him and led to
me having sex with him. I knew deep down it was wrong and felt shame and guilt for it.
At some point my bed wetting became daytime wetting. I was made to wear diapers all
the time. This led to me hating school because all the kids made fun of me. I was often
called retarded and stupid. It didn’t help that because of my situation I was placed in a
special classroom. The medicine I was on caused me to drool as a side effect. I was
nicknamed “big baby’. The foster mom was a nurse and spent a lot of time working at the
local hospital. When I wasn’t in school, I spent most time with the foster dad. His abuse
got worse and worse. I finally had enough and started acting out again. This resulted in
me doing hard and physical labor, like splitting wood or digging ditches. If I didn’t do
something right the foster father would refuse to give me dinner. 1 Hot summer day he
made me work outside all day without water to drink and I passed out. When the foster
mother took me to the hospital, she told the doctors I was too busy playing to hard. I
honestly wished I had died that day. It would have been better than being there. My anger
was now as bad as ever! I was in fights at school every day and had been suspended a
number of times. My state social worked eventually removed me from the home. She said
my behavior was too out of control to be in foster care. I was admitted to Caritas for a
second time and was placed on a new set of meds. The kids there picked on me and
fueled my anger more. I spent most of my time on a cocktail of medication that made me
feel like a zombie. I was always tired and had no energy to do much of anything. I
learned that this was how they were going to control me. I had to do better. To survive
and get back to my dad I had to put everything behind me. All right quiet time is over,
Scott boomed. Everyone lineup for dinner he instructed. I got up and left my room I lined
up with the others at the door for the dining room. As everyone passed my door, they
looked at me as if I were a three headed dog. For the first time in a long time I was
scared. I was in a new place with new rules and new people. What am I going to do I
thought? I waited in line anxious to get to dinner and get the opportunity to meet my new
peers. Chapter 3—1 friend —1 enemy After standing in line and waiting for a few
minutes we were led into the dining room and everyone took a seat at One of the three
tables that were there. I slowly made my way to one of the last seats available. We sat in
silence as the staff brought out tonight ‘s dinner. Pizza was on the menu with salad. At
least it was something I liked, I thought. The pizza was the typical school type pizza.
Everyone got 1 slice of pizza, a bowl of salad and a glass of milk. I remained silent as
everyone began eating. Soon the room was full of chatter and for the first few minutes no
one seemed to acknowledge my existence. Finally a kid with red hair and glasses spoke
to me. What’s your name? He asked Chris, I replied I’m Billy, he stuck out his hand.
Where did you come from? He asked Caritas I replied Oh, I was there before, he replied
Who was your doctor? he asked Dr. Sullivan I replied He was cool, he said How long
have you been here? I asked. 6 months, he replied Hearing his answer made my stomach
churn. I’m never getting out of here I thought. The rules are pretty easy, and you’ll get
used to them he explained. You get points for everything you do. You get a maximum of
100 a day. You earn 10 points for a clean room. You get 10 for going to group. You get
bonus points for going above and beyond and for certain things. Like trying to help out a
fellow pear or for helping a peer with their chores. Stuff like that. You’ll catch on pretty
quick. If you make your hundred points you go to next level and they go into your point
bank. You can use the points in your point bank and redeem them for certain things like a
later bedtime or going on an outing stuff like that. If you get put in a holding you lose all
your points for that day. A holding is when staff have to restrain you and you go to the
timeout room. Yea I know, I said. Scott held me earlier I said embarrassed. If you want, I
can introduce you to the others. He said That’d be nice I replied He pointed out everyone
and their names. Why are you- he was interrupted when Scott told everyone to put their
plates in the sink in the kitchen and to begin doing their chores. I got in line behind
everyone to put my dishes in the kitchen. I walked into the kitchen and saw the large man
I saw before. Hey buddy, you get to help me in the kitchen tonight for your chore. The
large man spoke. We haven’t met he said My name is Will I’m the team leader here at
oak hall. Team leader I asked confused Yea I’m the guy in charge of all the staff here.
Scott’s my right-hand man he’s the senior 1 and Veronica who works in the morning is
my senior 2. Over there he pointed out a tall blond girl that was skinny is Danielle. All
the staff seemed to be too busy giving out instructions to notice my existence. Your Chris
right? He asked Yes, I replied Cool. He replied, if you have any problems with any of the
staff here you can bring it to me, and we can discuss the issue. If you’re not satisfied with
my decision on the matter you can always talk to my boss or your therapist or fill out a
grievance form. Do you have any questions about the program so far? He asked Not
wanting to go down the rabbit hole of when I could leave I decided I would just reply
with a simple answer. Not really, I replied. As we worked will asked about my past
placements and what I felt I needed to work on. As we talked and worked, he explained
most of the routine here. He asked me questions about my family and if I had contact
with them. I told him about where I had been and that I wanted to go home. In due time
he told me. After we were done will told me to join everyone in the day room for the last
group therapy of the day. I walked with everyone’s eyes on me again as If I were a 3
headed dog. I ignored them and sat down. William walked in and walked up to the front
of the room. Everyone remained quiet as he wrote down some notes on a clipboard in his
hand. After a few minutes and William decided to put the spotlight on me, As everyone
I’m sure has noticed we have a new resident here at Oak Hall Chris would you like to
introduce yourself? he asked. Tell everyone your name A little bit about yourself and
why you are here. My name is Chris I’m here because of my anger and getting into
fights. I like music and riding my bike. I looked at the ground as I spoke, wishing the
floor would open up and swallow me whole. Great William spoke, I’m sure everyone
here will do their best to make Chris feel welcome. So, Chris this is our final group of the
day. This group is called “reflection” Here you can share what your goal was for the day,
if you were able to complete your goal for the day or if you were unsuccessful for the
goal and what you did or could have done better to make your goal. After that we share
announcements and ask if anyone has any issues or concerns. You can also share
something about your peers or can discuss any issues with peers in an environment that is
respectful. Do you have any questions? he asked No, I replied. I sat through the group
and remained quiet for the group. I learned a few things about my fellow peers and made
my decision who I would get along with and who I would stray away from. Billy seemed
kind of shy and reserved. George a kid I hadn’t officially met seemed to be a bit of a
bully, though everyone seemed to idolize. A few others Whom I wasn’t sure their names
seemed to be his friends. Dominique another I hadn’t officially met yet was kind of cool
and collected and I questioned why he was here. He didn’t seem to fit in with the rest of
us others. I made a mental note to try and get to know him. After group we were allowed
to have free time. As everyone got together to play games or watch tv I sat in my chair
and remained quiet. No one approached me and asked if I wanted to play a game or
anything. I was in a room full of strangers and felt all alone. I wanted to cry. I decided I
wouldn’t break down and cry in front of everyone. I would look week and I didn’t want
that. I decided I would ask William if I could go to my room. At least there I would be
alone. I walked into my room and admired the size once more. I was in a new place for
almost 8 hours and the only positive thing I could find was my room size. I laid on my
mind a thought of my stepmom who I only knew as my mother. I remember when I met
her for the first time. We were instantly best friends and she always took my side on
things. Being the baby of the family, she knew I had started life with the short end of the
stick. After I got out of preschool we would go to McDonald’s and the Goodwill. I
always got new toys. Eventually her true color began to show when she discovered I
couldn’t be bought with new toys and McDonalds, and that like any other kid I would
misbehave and get into trouble. I was often a problem at school, I was always considered
a “loner” and never played with the kids. Most of the kids made fun of me anyway. It
seemed like every other day I was fighting a kid for some reason or another, they didn’t
get the message to just leave me alone. It got so bad that the school refused to let me
come to school without mom. So, because she had no other choice , she went to school
with me. After school, if I was goodwill and we would go to McDonald’s or if I was bad
we’d come home, and she’d make a bologna sandwich and I was required to take a nap.
Despite all the times she hit me and hurt my feeling, I still loved her. I still wanted a
relationship with her. I wanted her to know how I felt. I would often call her names and
express my feelings, when your a kid and you get into trouble all the time, it’s not hard
for an abusive parent to lie and manipulate the situation and make it all your fault. At one
time while I was visiting mom and dad at Dessie Scotts Children’s Home, I called her a
Bitch and told her I wished she would die. This was in response to her making a big fuss
over me and my cousin drinking a 2 liter of Pepsi over the weekend. After that she
decided she wanted nothing to do with me. In my mind as I child I felt guilty for my
response. I cried as I thought of her and my dad. The times we spent together as a family.
Summers when dad was around were filled with fun. We had a swimming pool and I rode
my bike all day pretending I was my dad and was driving a truck. My bike was decked
out with a CB walkie talkie and a radio. When dad wasn’t home, we were grounded and
punished for everything imaginable. Our punishments were not like the other kids would
get, like a time out or corner time. We were spanked, hit, and yelled at. Then we were
forced to squat in the corner. Then she decided that was too easy so she made us squat
with pots and pans on our hands. One night me made my sister sleep under the table in
the kitchen. She told my sister she wasn’t worthy of a bedroom. She told my sister the
dog we owned was better then her. Thinking of the past caused me to cry, I laid my bed
in my pillow and cried quietly. I didn’t notice will approach my door. Everything ok he
asked. I miss my mom and dad I replied. I don’t wanna be here. Do you want to talk
about it? he asked. Not sure if could trust him I shook my head. That’s ok he said Can I
call them? I asked No, unfortunately we have to wait for your visitors list and call log to
be approved. That takes a few days. How about a shower? We have a shower open. He
replied Ok, I said. I gathered a change of clothes and made my way to the shower. The
bathroom was small. The fan was loud and clanged loudly. It almost sounded like it
would fall out of the ceiling at any moment. The water pressure was high, and the water
was way too hot. However, the shower felt nice. I’m washing away the bad things I
thought. From here on out, I’m going to be good and get to go home. After my shower I
went back to my room. I didn’t want to go to the day room and be ignored by everyone so
I figured I would just hang out and color in my room. I made my way to the day room to
get a few coloring sheets and some colored pencils. As I was making my selection Billy
approached me and asked if I wanted to play him in a game of chess. I told him I didn’t
know how to play and started to walk away. I’ll teach you he offered. Ok I replied. He
got the chess board and pieces and we sat down to play. Before we could get started
George walked up to our table with a sneer on his face. He turned and waved a few of his
friends over. Looks like Billy made himself a new boyfriend, he announced No just
making a new friend he replied calmly So, have you and Billy kissed? he turned his
attention to me No, why would I kiss him I asked confused Cause you are both clearly
gay, he responded What’s that I asked confused Its where two boys have sex and they
like it he sneered as he walked away. I was shocked! Did he know about me and my
foster dad? Did I enjoy what we did together? Was I gay? I couldn’t believe I had been
here in such a short time and someone knew about my past. Just ignore him Billy said He
just a jerk! He said loudly so he knew George could hear him. Say it to my face you little
twerp he yelled! I will he said as he got up and went across the room. Before he reached
him Danielle stopped him. That’s 10 points for being too loud she said to him. But
George started it he yelled I didn’t her George say anything. I did here you she said with
Authority. That’s bullshit he yelled at her. Go to time out room she yelled back. Scott
walked into the room and asked what’s up. George called me and Billy gay, I spoke up!
Is that true? He asked George No, I was way over here George spoke loudly. Yes, he did
Billy said. Well are you guys gay? Scott asked us. No billy screamed Then what does it
matter? he asked Cause he’s a jerk Billy yelled. I’m going to kill myself he yelled. I told
you to go to time out Veronica spoke calmly. Make me he yelled as he swung at her. She
grabbed his arm and started walking him forward. Scott rushed past me and grabbed his
other arm and they walked him to the time-out room. The entire time he was yelling curse
words and telling George he was going to get him. I knew what George did was wrong.
How could he do something so wrong and get away with It? I made my way over to
George and approached him. His friend Dominique stepped up to me. What you going to
do new guy he asked Names Chris I said through clenched teeth. Learn it! So I said what
are you going to do he repeated Move! I replied. George, I’m here to tell you now. I ain’t
no punk and if you pick on Billy anymore I’m gonna make sure you pay. Don’t think you
can push me around. I’m not one to mess with. You threatening me? he asked. No, I
didn’t say anything I replied as I turned and walked away. I turned and walked to my
room. I didn’t know who this George kid was, but he definitely wasn’t gonna pick on my
friend I thought as I pulled back my sheets and climbed into bed. Day one here and I had
made 1 friend and 1 enemy! Chapter 4 Big School—Little School I awoke to the sound of
a new staff member yelling loudly that it was time to get up. Time to wake up sleepy
heads he boomed. Today is a new day he said happily. Let’s get our rooms cleaned up,
bed made, and hygiene done. I rolled out of bed cursing the school year and early
morning. I was not an early bird by any means. What is the reason in getting up this
early? I thought. I hate mornings I said to myself as I started to make up my bed. It took
me a second to realize that I actually woke up this morning without a wet bed. I grabbed
A change of clothes from my dresser and changing into them. Today I was going to wear
my favorite T-shirt a Kentucky Wildcats shirt. The Wildcats were my team and I had
been a fan for as long as I could remember. My thoughts were interrupted when this new
staff member came to my doorway. Hello Chris, my name is Bernie he said I observed
him for a moment before I spoke. He was a tall black guy and took up my whole
doorway. He wore a KY wildcats shirt as well. His hair was short. He looked like a cool
guy. You like KY too I asked! Admiring his shirt Of course, he replied looking offended
I can’t root for Louisville, there terrible he laughed I think we’re gonna get along just
fine. I said That’s good little guy he said As long as you follow the rules and do what is
asked, we can be best friends. But I want you to understand I enforce the same rules for
everyone. I don’t do favorites and I don’t ignore good or bad behavior. He explained I’ll
try I said No no no , you do or do not. There is no try he said. Famous words of master
yoda he said. Master who I asked? Huh? You don’t know Star Wars? Oh man imma have
to teach you little guy he said. Ok I smiled. Today is gonna be a good day I thought. Now
your room looks clean. I see you’ve made your bed. You’re ready for hygiene. When
you’re ready for hygiene, let one of the staff know. When we inspect your room and your
okayed for it we can let you in line to do your hygiene. Understand he asked Yea I said I
got in line for hygiene. Right behind my new friend Billy. Good morning, I said as I
walked up behind him. Hey how are you, he replied. By the way, I wanted to thank you
for last night. I really appreciate your sticking up for me. No problem. You were the first
to be nice to me and acknowledge my existence. I replied Just ignore them, he said! I’m
sure they will get what they got coming to them! He said. As we were talking George
walked up. He was wearing a Nike shirt with shorts on and a Louisville cardinal hat. His
shoes were the latest air Jordan’s. What you looking at he snarled Nothing in particular I
replied So, I’m nothing he asked To me, I replied. Your nothing and a nobody Billy
chimed in Hey why don’t you shut up or I’ll shut you up he said to Billy Make me; Billy
replied What’s going on down there Bernie bellowed Nothing Billy yelled back Don’t
sound like nothing he said as he walked towards us. Chris? he asked as he approached.
George just walked up running his jaw I told him. George? He looked at him. Faggot was
gawking at me! He said through gritted teeth. Wasn’t nobody starring at you! I yelled.
Plus, if I was a faggot, I wouldn’t be looking at a bitch like you! That’s enough, Bernie
said! Both of you return to your rooms. He ordered He turned and walked away! George
looked at me as he turned away. You’re gonna get a beating for being a snitch. He
replied! Why wait I said as I punched him in the mouth. I regretted it as soon as I hit him.
Not knowing another’s staff was behind me. Mrs. Veronica, she grabbed me and held my
arms behind my back. She pulled me toward the time out room. Let me go bitch. I yelled
You ain’t gonna fight on my watch she huffed Looking to get back to my fight I broke
loose and kicked her. By this time Bernie had approached and grabbed me by the arms.
Grab his legs he said to Mrs. Vericona She grabbed my legs and they carried me to the
time-out room. Let me go you bitch I yelled at her! I’m gonna kick your ass I yelled. Let
me go! I pinched and grabbed and fought as hard as I could. I had been in too many of
these holds to give in this easy. I fought harder and head-butted Bernie in the nose. They
rolled me over and held me flat on the floor. Another staff I hadn’t met walked in and
grabbed my other arm. I now had Veronica on my legs and Bernie on one arm and
another on my other arm. As usual the staff always win, I thought. But that didn’t keep
my mouth shut! I called them every name I could think of. I couldn’t believe I was In
trouble, and this punk got away again. George was always getting away with stuff. After I
was all fought out Bernie thanked the other staff for helping and had him let me go.
Bernie looked and me and asked if I was done. Yes, I said Ok Mrs. Veronica is gonna let
you go. I’m gonna let you go. I want you to stay in this room. He said as they got up and
left. I sat in the timeout room thinking about my last few days. Two days here and I had
been in two holds. Must be setting some kind of record I thought. How everyone else was
getting away with everything. It didn’t matter George was gonna get his one day. Bernie
walked in and ask if I was ready for school. Sure, I replied. Not wanting to go to school. I
didn’t wanna stay in the timeout room though. As I got up Bernie told me to go stand in
line. I walked toward the end of the line. Everyone was staring at me. For what I didn’t
know. Was it because I was causing a distraction? Was it because I had punched George?
Was it because I was the new guy? Bernie finally opened the door and we were led
outside. Fresh air, I thought. Finally. Looking around I couldn’t find Billy. I also noticed
a few others weren’t around. They must have left before me I thought. As we went across
the campus, I observed what was around me. We had a tennis court and 4 basketball
goals. Wonder when we get to play outside, I thought. I wasn’t very good a basketball,
but I liked playing it. We were finally led inside, a big building. As we walked inside it
looked as close to a regular school as any other. With a few exceptions, there was of
course a time-out room. The doors were locked, and our staff stayed with us in each
class. I walked into a classroom with the rest of my class. Mrs. Theresa was proudly
displayed on the desk. I looked around noticing that this was as close to a classroom as I
could hope for. There was a big map of the world in the back and several pictures of
presidents. On another wall, there was a picture of Dr. Martin Luther King JR and his
famous “I have a dream” speech. I have a dream too, I thought. As everyone took their
seat I picked one in the back. I sat next to a kid whose name I didn’t know. He was in my
unit but was rather quiet. Thinking about it I hadn’t heard him say anything since my
arrival. Mrs. Theresa called order to the class in a cheerful voice. She was tall and skinny
and wore a flower sundress. She had long blond hair and wore a perfume that smelled
amazing. Her sandals clacked on the floor as she approached her desk at the front of the
room. She reminded me of the teacher from the magic school bus. Alright has everyone
done their homework? She asked. Yes, everyone replied Good, pop quiz time then she
said cheerfully. What was the 13th amendment? Everyone raised their hand. She called
on the kid next to me, Josh, she called The 13-amendment ended slavery. It states,
“Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the
party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place
subject to their jurisdiction.” Very good Josh she said enthusiastically. What did the
emancipation proclamation do she asked? Everyone raised their hands again. I did as
well. For I knew this one. Surprised at my enthusiasm she eyed me for a second, Chris is
it she asked. I couldn’t believe she called on me. It freed slaves, however it was before
the 13th amendment and only applied to the rebellion states. I replied Very good Chris.
I’m impressed she said with enthusiasm. What a nerd, George said under his breath.
That’ll be enough George, Bernie said sternly from the back of the room. Where was
Lincoln assassinated? Mrs. Theresa pushed on. No one raised their hand. Where was
Lincoln assassinated? She asked again. I’ll give you a hint. There’s a car with the same
name. Still no one replied or raised their hand. Shocked that no one knew this I spoke, on
April 14th Lincoln was shot in the head at Ford Theater by John Wilkes booth while he
was watching the comedy Our American cousin. He died the following morning. Nice
Chris but don’t speak out of turn. Mrs. Theresa replied. Alright everyone time to open
your books to page 104. She continued on with the class as the bell rang. I want you to
read pages 104-107 and answer all the questions at the end of the chapter including the
critical thinking. She said as everyone stood up. Not Knowing what to do, I followed
everyone across the hallway to another classroom. As everyone was taking their seats, I
noticed that my therapist Chris was approaching. As he walked into class, he spoke to
Bernie briefly. I watched as they spoke and wonder if they were talking about me. He
called another kids name and they left. My math teacher was an older guy. He was bald
and reminded me of Mr. Feeny from boy meets world. I missed watching that show. Mr.
Feeny was weird and so was this new teacher. Alright everyone, get out a scrap piece of
paper and solve the problem on the board. I read the problem on the board, 1/4 + 3/4 = ?
Confused I just stared. I don’t know fractions at all and hadn’t covered them in my other
placements. I looked around and tried to get a look at another student’s paper. Ah hem,
Bernie cleared his throat. Eyes on your own paper, Little Buddy he smiled. I smiled back;
Bernie made me feel better with how he spoke. It was calm. Even though I had called
him a lot of names this morning he didn’t appear to let it bother him. I wish I could be
like him. I smiled back. I don’t - I was interrupted as I was about to tell him I didn’t know
fractions. Alright everyone time is up. Pass your papers up. Mr. Smith spoke. Looking
down at my paper mine was blank. It didn’t have my name on it or nothing. Embarrassed
I quickly piled it up with the others. Does anyone wanna solve the problem on the board
for the class? Everyone sat quietly. Don’t pick me... don’t pick me. I thought as Mr.
Smith stood in front of my desk. How about you Chris he asked. Why don’t you give it a
shot? He asked. I nervously walked up to the board. I looked at the floor wanting to fall
through it. Nervously I stood in front. Mr. Smith looked at me quizzingly. Do you know
fractions, Chris, he asked. No. I said. Almost a whisper. As I looked at my feet. Retard!
George yelled. That’s enough George Bernie yelled at him. George, you leave my class
this instant and go to APP. Embarrassed I glared at George. He so gonna get beat up later
I thought. That’s ok Chris, I will help you out, Mr. Smith. Spoke. He showed me how to
solve the problem. Afterward, he sent me to my seat. After math class we had lunch. As
we walked to the lunchroom, I asked Bernie about what APP was. APP is our form of
detention he replied Oh, I said As we lined up for lunch my new friend Billy tapped me
on the shoulder. Hey, where were you? I asked I go to the little school. He replied The
little school? I asked. Yea, in the basement of our unit is the little school. It’s for the kids
that are kind of behind. He said No, it’s for the special ed kids or the retards Terrence one
of George's friends, chimed in. Just ignore him Billy said to me. Yeah I wish I was in
your class. I said. What’s your favorite subject? I asked I’m pretty good at math but I hate
history. He replied. I mean who cares about a bunch of old guys? It’s the opposite for me.
I replied. I hate math. But I love history. I love hearing about those old guys I said. Hey
maybe I can help you with your math if you help me with my history, I said. Ok cool.
Said Billy. Chris, I’m giving you 10 points for offering to help Billy. Bernie walked up
and said. Billy I’m giving you 5 points for ignoring distractions and ignoring Terrence.
Terrence, I’m taking 10 points for name calling. That’s unacceptable and I won’t have it
he said to Terrence. Chris, I need to speak with you I walked with him out to the hallway.
The school has decided that you will continue classes in the little school. You’re a little
behind in most of your classes and this will help you catch up to where you're supposed
be. Ok, I replied. Ok, you will go down after lunch. Terrence Stated. Ok, I replied. I
couldn’t believe I just got 10 points and Terrence actually got caught. But I was going to
the little school. Was I a retard? Surely not, I didn’t feel like a retard. At least I get to
hang out with Billy. As we picked up our lunch Billy continued talking. So do you play
any sports, he asked. Yea, basketball but I’m not really good at it. I replied That’s cool
for me either. He said. We sat down and ate lunch. It was nice having a friend to help
with the changes going on. I liked Billy. He didn’t judge me and seemed pretty nice. I
looked over him and thought he was rather cute. He had a nice haircut. Pretty eyes. His
smile was infectious. Looking at him I was confused. Was I gay? What did that really
mean? Is it wrong if I am gay? If so, can it be fixed? It has to be wrong. Others wouldn’t
be making fun of me for it. I better not tell anyone I thought. The rest of the day was
uneventful. We went back to the dorm for quiet time and I was glad to go back to my
dorm. As we walked back to the dorm I noticed Scott was talking to my therapist. Mr.
Gathof my therapist called to me. Can I speak to you for a moment? I walked over
looking at the ground. What was I in trouble for now? I’ve been good I thought. As I
approached Scott ended his conversation with my therapist. Yes, I asked quietly, still
looking at the ground. Mr. Gathof you’re not in Trouble buddy he said. Can I get some
eye contact? he asked I looked at him and he smiled. There you are he said I just wanted
to tell you that Scott told me about your clothing situation, and I put some clothes in your
room. You can take some or all of them. If you don’t like anything that’s ok, you can
give it to Scott and he will get them back to me. Sound good he asked Okay, I replied.
How are you feeling today? he asked. Ok I replied Can I call my dad? I asked. I’ll check
on your contacts list. He replied Ok, I said sadly How has your day been? he asked Ok, I
replied. I got in a holding this morning I replied being honest for no apparent reason.
Well we can talk more about that this week when we have your therapy session. Ok I
said. I miss my dad, I said I’ll look into getting your contacts list approved he said. Ok I
said. Ok go ahead and head back to your room. Try to have a good rest of the day he said.
I walked back to the dorm and was happy to be by myself for once. I missed my dad. I
wondered if he missed me. How would he feel if he knew I was in a hold this morning? I
thought. My mind was full of thought as I entered my room. Finally, I thought, time to
myself. Chapter 5 The Basketball Court I was soon to discover that if you wanna run with
the popular kids on brooklawns campus then you have to prove yourself on the ball court.
I didn’t want to particularly run with George and his friends, but I did want their respect.
I learned a lot of important lessons on the basketball court. The most important lesson I
could learn I learned on my first day at the court. It was the first time I got to play
outside. I wasn’t sure what to do so I asked Billy if he wanted to play basketball. After he
agreed we made our way to the court. What game do you wanna play? He asked I don’t
know, I replied. You pick I said How about 21? He asked 21? I asked confused. Yea. He
said A player breaks by shooting a 3-pointer. Then you play until someone scores. If you
score you go to the free throw line. At the free throw line, you shoot until you miss, up to
3 shots. Then you have to check it up with another player. If you get tipped with 0 points
you're out. If you get tipped with points you go back to 0. If you get tipped with 1 hand
you’re out. Ok sounds good I said. He shot a shot and we started playing. I was better at
3-point shots, but he was killing me with layups. Everything was going well and we were
deadlocked when our game was interrupted by George and his goons. What is y’all
playing? he asked Basketball I replied. What game? he asked 21, Billy replied Wanna
join us? He asked. Why would he ask them to play with us? I thought Not wanting to
look weak I butted in Yea I said They agreed and a new game was started. George and
his friends were way better than us. They outscored us and I was scared to try a lay-up
because I knew it would get blocked. After finally getting a rebound I shot a 3-pointer
and it went in. I walked up to the free throw and made 2 more shots. I was shocked as
well as the others. You’re not to bad Terrence spoke up You guys are awesome I replied
You way better than me Yeah but you can hit 3 pointers he replied I ain't that good I
replied your— Terrence was interrupted by a new staff as he approached the court, Even
Michal Jordan missed a few shots in his time. A new guy I hadn’t met said as he
approached us. My name is Todd he said as he reached out and shook my hand. I’m the
activities coordinator he said. Everyone gather around he called everyone over. After
everyone adjoined us on the court, he began. If there is one lesson you learn, I want you
to learn that failure is inevitable. No matter what you do failure is going to happen. But
don’t allow that failure to control the outcome. He tosses me the ball, shoot a 3 pointer he
said I took the ball and shot and missed. Terrence caught the ball. Now Terrence you
shoot. He directed. Terrence shot and missed. This continued until the 5 of us on the
court had shot the ball and missed. Now each of you I want to shoot until you make it.
Each of us shot until we made it. Some made it before others. After 7 shots I still hadn’t
made it. The words Todd had just spoken rang in my ears. “No matter what you do
failure is going to happen.” I stood there thinking I was nothing but a failure. I shot a few
more times and missed even more. 11 tries. 12 tries. 13 tries. THIS IS STUPID, I
YELLED Take a deep breath Todd replied I’ll never make it, I said. As long as you think
that it will happen, he said. Remember, don’t allow your failure to become the outcome.
You control this situation. Take a deep breath, relax. Breath in through your nose, out
through your mouth. slowly. He said I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. I took the
ball and focused, I am the champion, I thought. I shot the ball, I watched as it rattled
around the rim and dropped in. GOOD JOB he exclaimed Awesome everyone said as
they clapped. You see Chris the thing is Todd started, No matter how many times you fail
you have to keep trying. Do you really think Michael Jordan didn’t have his fair share of
missed shots? Do you think he didn’t have his fair share of long practices? He was
determined to be good at basketball. He put his mind and heart into it. After a lot of hard
work, he became what he is today. He worked for and he believed in himself. As long as
you work hard, put your mind, your heart and spirit into something you can achieve it.
That goes for all of you. Now everyone line up and we will play a little basketball, Todd
said Everyone lined up and the teams were selected. As we played basketball, I realized I
was actually having fun. Everyone was having fun. We were getting along and I felt
comfortable for the moment. It didn’t matter that I was here. I almost forgot. The fun
came to a screeching halt when I went up for a shot and Terence attempted to block it and
hit me in the face. I immediately filled up with anger a punched him in the nose. Before I
could get another swing in, Will grabbed me from behind and threw me on the ground. 2
more nearby staff quickly jumped in and helped him restrain me. I called Terrance every
name I could think of and struggled and fought with all my might. He was gonna get his
and I was gonna make sure of it. I was tired of him getting away with everything. Let me
go, He hit me: I screamed Just calm down, Will said. Screw you’re a fatso, I screamed.
Hey, I’m not fat I’m fluffy, he replied. I struggled loose and smacked him in the face.
How’s that fatso? I yelled He grabbed my arm and held it tighter. Let me go, I’m gonna
kill you I yelled. Just calm down and we can let you go, will said calmly After about 20
minutes Scott and another staff member showed up. Chris are you gonna walk to the
time-out room or do we have to carry you Scott asked. Screw you I ain’t walking
anywhere. Ok suit yourself, he replied. Will and Scott each grabbed an arm and another
staff member grabbed my legs. I kicked and fought but they had me and were taking me
to the one place didn’t wanna go. As they carried me I I fought and yelled every profanity
I could. Why was I in trouble when he hit me? As we went into the dorm and they carried
me to the timeout room I realized I had been yelling so loud that my My voice was
hoarse. I had fought so much that my shirt had ripped and I was very hot. As we entered
the time-out room Will once again spoke, In a softer manner I hadn’t heard before; Chris
buddy you are worn out and you need to calm down. If not I'm afraid that we will have to
put you in seclusion. Why am I in trouble I asked. You’re not in trouble, we had to
restrain you because you punched a peer of yours. That’s not acceptable. You can’t do
that. Will stated. He hit me first, I yelled as I tried to get free to no avail. Chris, I will
discuss this with you when you calm down. Will Replied. I needed a rest so I just stopped
struggling. I had a plan. I would calm down and get my energy back and then when they
let me out of time-out , I would get Terrence back. After laying there for 10 more
minutes. Will spoke again, Chris were going to let you go. I want you to stay here and
don’t move until we leave the timeout room. Okay I replied After they got up and left, I
moved to the corner or the time-out room. I needed to plan my revenge. I would get a
broom handle and use that. That’ll teach him a lesson. I’ll hit him right in the head and I
bet he will never hit me again. I sat and played every detail in my head over and over
again. Who was he to hit me like he did? The staff never do anything to him. He gets
away with anything. He won’t get away with nothing ever again. Ill teach him a lesson.
My thoughts were interrupted when Will came back to the time-out room. How are you
feeling? he asked Like Terrence just got away with hitting me! I replied He was playing
basketball; will replied. He was only trying to block your shot. He didn’t intentionally hit
you. He never Intentionally does anything; I yelled back Chris, I'm not yelling, please
don’t yell at me. He said Calmly He gets away with everything I yelled Well, I can see
you're still not calm, I'll give you more time to calm down he said as he turned away and
left. I punched the wall as he left. I wasn’t the one who deserved to be in here. As I sat
there Terrence walked by and looked in the timeout room at me. Stop looking at me I
yelled I wasn’t looking at you faggot, Terrence replied I jumped up and ran towards him.
As I approached him I swung to punch him in his mouth. I missed and he swung back
and punched me in my stomach. As I struggled to catch my breath he spit on me. I stood
up and ran toward him to tackle him again, but I was cut off by Will who grabbed me and
held me in a sitting position on the floor. Let go of me fatso I yelled I can’t do that Chris
he replied You have to calm down. He was looking at me, I yelled So, how is that hurting
you? Will asked He was making fun of me I said You could have ignored him. Will
replied He called me a faggot, I screamed Is it true? he asked I worked an arm loose and
swung and hit him in the eye. At this time Scott entered the room and helped hold me
lying on the floor. As he held me Scott asked why I was so angry today. Screw you I
yelled Chris if you don’t calm down, we are going to have to use seclusion. Do you want
seclusion? He asked. Get off me I yelled as I struggled to get free. I knew I wouldn’t get
free. I was so angry I couldn’t see straight. I started to bang my head on the floor. Will
reached over and held my head. I kicked and struggled more and more. I wanted
everyone to die. I wanted to die. After a few more minutes of struggling. Will and Scott
discussed that I was to go into seclusion. Scott spoke up, Chris we are going to place you
in seclusion so you can calm down. At this time, we are going to leave the room and lock
the door. You can have the room all to yourself. Whatever asshole, I yelled. As they got
up, I tried to run for the door but they shut it. Here I was in a padded room with the door
locked preventing my escape. I kicked and pounded at the door that robbed me of my
freedom. I would tear the door down if I had to. Scott stood in the window and told me to
calm down. Let me out I yelled I can’t do that Chris until you calm down. I’m gonna kill
you, I yelled. I’m sorry you feel like that he said I kicked and yelled and banged on the
door until I was all worn out. I sat down in the corner defeated. Why did I have to be in a
place like this? I try to be a good kid, but I always get in trouble. I just wanted to see my
dad. He wouldn’t put me in a room like this. He wouldn’t hold me down like they did. He
loved me. After about 15 minutes Scott opened the door. Do you feel better now? he
asked. Leave me alone I said hoarsely. I had yelled and screamed so much that I had lost
my voice. Why are you so angry? he asked He hit me so I hit him back. I said Yea, but
you guys were playing basketball. You gotta learn that not everyone is trying to get you.
You gotta learn to walk away. Scott said calmly. Do you understand why we had to
restrain you? He asked No. I replied You were trying to hurt someone, he replied
Anytime you become a danger to yourself or others we have to intervene. Do you
understand? We Don’t want to but we have too. I nodded Do you understand why we had
to go to seclusion? Yea I replied Why? He asked Cause I wasn’t getting better. I replied
Because we felt it would help you calm down if we didn’t need to be in the room. Are
you ready to got to your room for quiet time? He asked Yes. Ok go ahead he said. I left
the timeout room and went to my room. I was kinda embarrassed for the ruckus I caused.
I was worn out and felt a tear running down my cheek. I walked into my room and laid on
my bed. I tried to be a good boy today. Why was it so hard? If only they’d let me go
home id be good. Funny thing is I hadn’t been home in so long I don’t even know where
home is, I thought. I guess ill try harder I thought. I. Laid there until I fell asleep. Chapter
6— Depressed I woke up drenched in wet sheets and clothes. Oh, no I thought I wet the
bed. Embarrassed I laid still and listened to what was going on in the dorm. It seemed
rather quiet. I slowly got out of bed and made my way to the door. I peeked out just in
time to see Billy walking down the hall. I quickly tried to turn and head back to my bed,
but I slipped and fell instead. As Billy walked by, he laughed at me for falling. Afraid to
get back up I laid there hoping he would pass me by. Instead, He offered to help me up.
Before I could say no he stuck out his hand and helped me up. Thanks, I said shyly.
Don’t mention it he replied. What time is it? I asked. Just after 7, he replied. Everyone
went personal shopping on an outing. You Missed dinner. Guess you’ve had a pretty bad
day huh? Yeah, I just wanna go home. I replied. I know what you mean, He said. Did you
have an accident? He asked as he noticed my wet pants. Yeah, I’ve wet the bed my whole
life it seems. I replied. Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone. He replied. But if you want, I’ll
get Danielle for you, he offered. Ok, thanks. I went back into my room and sat on my
bed. Embarrassed but relieved at the same time. I wish I could just be normal, I thought.
But no here I am a retard wetting his bed like a damn baby. At least Billy wouldn’t tell no
one. I missed my dad horribly. I wondered what he was up to. Probably working, I
wonder if he misses me. I bet mom mdon’t, bitch . I hated her! I hated having bad days
like today and letting dad down. I hated my life. Mrs. Danielle walked up to my room and
asked if was ok. On the verge of tears, I shook my head. I’ve been beaten up, held, and
put into seclusion and now I’ve wet my bed like a little baby, I cried. Yea, I know you
had a bad day she said softly. What do you say we get you a shower to wash the bad day
away? Ok, I cried. Can I call my dad? I asked. I think your call log came in a little while
ago. Let’s get you a shower and then I think we can call him. Ok, I said. I had a little pep
in my step now. I am finally getting to call my dad, I thought. I bet he will be glad to hear
from me. He was probably working hard. God, I missed him. After my shower Danielle
sat me down next to the phone. I watched as opened the call log. Who do you wanna call?
Mom or Dad? She asked. Dad, I practically yelled. Ok calm down she said softly. She
dialed the number and let it ring. She handed me the phone. I heard it ring a few more
times, and with each ring my gut sank lower and lower. Finally, my dad answered. Hello,
he answered. Hey Dad, I cried. Are you working? Yeah, on my way to Chicago. He
replied. How are you? he asked. Good. I said. That ain’t what I heard he said. Huh? I
asked. Well from what I heard you got in a fight and was put in seclusion and they had to
hold you. He replied. So? I said. So that means you haven’t been good, he said. You
asked how I was, I said defiantly. Why were you fighting? he asked. Cause this other kid
hit me while we were playing basketball. I said trying to explain my reasoning. That
doesn’t mean you hit back. He replied. So, I’m supposed to let him hit me and not do
anything. I yelled. Chris I’m not yelling at you, he replied. Now if your gonna yell I’m
not gonna talk to you. He hit me though. I cried. But that doesn’t mean you hit him back.
Get a staff member or walk away, he said. You have to learn to control your anger.
You’ll find out that you can’t always fight people. Whatever, I said. How’s mom doing? I
changed the subject. No not whatever, he said sternly. She’s fine. I miss you, I said. I
miss you too, he replied. When can I come home? I asked. I don’t see that happening for
a while. Your mom and I can’t control you and your moms is afraid you might hurt
someone. Who cares what that bitch thinks, I yelled! I don’t care about her, I said.
Danielle interrupted me, I’ll have to end the call if you keep yelling and using foul
language. She said calmly. I nodded I understood. When can you come to visit? I asked.
I’ll come see you on Saturday. He replied. I gotta go Dad replied, I love you. I cried as
tears rolled down my face. I love you too, think about what I said. He replied. We hung
up and I began to cry again. I missed him so much. Danielle approached me and asked
how it went. Not really wanting to talk about it I told her fine. Ok, she said. I put new
sheets on your bed and your clothes in the wash. If you want, you can hang out in the day
room. You Hungary? She asked. You missed dinner. Not wanting to be around people
and not wanting to eat I shook my head no. Can I just chill in my room? I asked. Sure,
she said. I walked in my room feeling alone and depressed. I’d had a rough day and was
quite worn out. I lay down on my bed as my mind began to wander. I missed my dad, and
I felt my mother was keeping me away from home. God, I hate her, I thought. As I lay
there, I began to cry again. I just wanted my life to end, I thought as I fell asleep. Chapter
7—Broken Promises The rest of the week went by quickly. I had started developing a
good friendship with Billy. School had started to become less of an issue. I had begun to
get used to being here. I knew Saturday my dad said he would come visit and I couldn’t
wait. I felt like I hadn’t seen him in forever. I hope mom wouldn’t come. I really felt bad
for how I had treated dad in the past and I wanted to apologize to him. I was sitting in my
class on Friday afternoon when my therapist Chris came and interrupted me. Although
we hadn’t had many sessions, he had a way of making me feel comfortable. I finished my
work and headed to meet him in the hallway. How are you today Mr. Gathof? He asked.
Good my dad is coming to visit tomorrow. I shared excitedly. That’s nice, he exclaimed.
We talked and walked toward his office. How has the rest of this week been? He asked.
Good, I haven’t been in any more holds and I’ve only had to go to the timeout room like
3 times. I shared. Well that’s good, I dream of a day where you won’t have to go to the
time out room at all. He replied That’ll never happen. I explained. Well if you tell
yourself it will never happen it never will, He replied What does that even mean? I asked
confused. It means you have to believe in yourself. He replied. I do, I replied defensively.
As we entered his office, I was reminded of how much I hated it. It always stunk and
there was always paperwork stacked everywhere. In addition, it always felt cramped. AS
we sat down, he directed our conversation to my anger issue. So, in total this week, you
were held once and placed in seclusion for fighting. Additionally, you were placed in
timeout for angry outburst and used offensive language. I’m curious what it is that makes
you angry? He asked People and stuff, I said confidently. Like what? He asked. Like
when I ask for my radio and the staff always say no. I replied. So not getting your way?
he asked. No, they can’t take my stuff and keep it. That’s my stuff. I said in defense. Well
you’re not allowed to have it in your room, unless you’re on phase 2 or above. Not to
mention that with you having issues even following simple directions it’s no wonder the
staff say no. He replied. Ok well how do I get to phase 2? I asked. Well you have to
follow the program guidelines and have been here 30 days and you have to apply for it. If
the staff feel that you are eligible the you move up. Now I want to go over some ways
you can learn to control your anger. These are called anger management techniques. He
said as he handed me a piece of paper. We worked on anger management until it was
time for me to go to the unit. When we got back everyone had just started quiet time.
Hey, Chris, how are you today, will asked as I walked in the door. Good I replied. It’s
quiet time so go ahead and go to your room, he replied Also, there’s a surprise in there
for you he said, with a wink. I hurried into my room. As I entered it I saw the one thing I
had longed for since my arrival. My radio. I was nearly in tears as I picked it up. Just
make sure you play it quietly, Will spoke from my door. Okay I replied. I turned it on to
my Favorite radio station. “97.5 wamz Nighttrain lane here with you this afternoon, up
next we have new Tim McGraw music this is angry all the time” the announcer spoke,
and I smiled. As the music played, I laid on my bed and listened. I loved Tim McGraw’s
music; he was one of my favorite artists. Me and my sister Donna won a talent show at
one of my previous placements Dessie Scotts. We had sung his song “don’t take the girl”.
I always loved that song. This song was different though, as I listened, I began to cry. It
felt like he was speaking directly to me. “The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing
to do with being in love
rough
And I understand that lovin a man shouldn't have to be this
You ain't the only one Who feels like this world left you far behind
I don't
know why you gotta be Angry All The Time” How did he know I was angry all the time?
He didn’t know me. But he was right. I was angry all the time. So bad even Tim McGraw
knew. The lyrics stuck in my head and rang the truth. “You ain't the only one Who feels
like this world left you far behind
I don't know why you gotta be Angry All The Time”
I laid in bed and cried and cried for the longest time. I didn’t know why I was so angry.
Why couldn’t I control my anger. More so to think that I had hurt my family. It’s no
wonder I didn’t have any friends. My thoughts were interrupted when yet another song I
knew well started playing. My mom had always sang this song to us kids when we were
upset. The words never rang truer than now. It was Lee Ann Womack’s song “you’ve got
to talk to me” The lyrics rang out in so much truth that I started crying again. “How will I
ever know what you're feelin' How will I ever know what to do
to tell me
If you simply refuse
What's goin' on inside of you How can I even know how to help you
How
can I ever know what to say If every time your heart is hurtin' You turn from me and
walk away Look into my eyes
feel alone
Let me share the load
always turn to
forever
There's nothin' here but love for you
You don't have to
There's nothin' more I'd rather do I'm the one you can
I'm the one who will stand by your side My love for you is
You don't ever have to run away and hide” The next morning was a big day.
My dad was going to come see me. I hoped Mom wasn't with him. I couldn’t wait to give
him a hug and tell him everything I wanted to tell him I hurriedly cleaned my room and
did my hygiene. As I sat down for breakfast, I excitedly spoke to Billy about the day’s
plans. Hey, are your parents coming to see you? I asked. No, I don’t get to see my
parents. He replied sadly. Oh, I replied. Realizing I hadn’t really asked him about his
parents or his family. I sat quietly for a few minutes pondering how he must feel. Sorry, I
replied. It’s okay , you didn’t know he replied. He forced a smile. It was in that moment
that I realized that I had one thing that Billy didn’t, Family. I had taken them for granted
so many times. I should be proud of the family I had. I felt guilty for my actions that had
led to my placement. After breakfast, it was time for Saturday morning cleanup. I hated
Saturday morning cleanup. I felt like a slave on these days. Today was different, I was
going to get to see my dad and I had to be on my absolute best behavior, no if ands or
buts. Scott directed me to clean the hallway. All I had to do was sweep and mop it well
and I would be good. As I swept the hallway, I looked forward to seeing dad. Wouldn’t it
be cool if he drove his semi here. Then everyone could see how awesome my dad was. I
thought back to the days of when I was in the truck dad and listening to the radio. My
favorite song was Alabama “Roll on 18 Wheeler”. Ill never forget those lyrics as long as
I live. “Roll on highway, roll on along Roll on daddy till you get back home
family, roll on crew
Roll on momma like I asked you to do
wheeler roll on (Roll on)” “Daddy drives an eighteen-wheeler
Roll on
And roll on eighteenAnd they sure miss him
when he's gone” What I wouldn’t give to go back to those days. I checked the clock,
visitation was to start in half an hour. I returned to my room and laid down. I was kind of
tired. I didn’t sleep that much last night because I was excited to see dad. Oh, how I
wanted to wrap him up in my arms. To smell him to hear his voice, god I missed him.
Scott called us out of our rooms to the dayroom. I walked to the day room and sat down. I
sat next to Billy and he looked happy and excited. Hey what got you in such a good
mood? I asked. We are going on an outing to the movies he replied. What movie I asked?
The mummy. He replied Oh, when? I asked. Here in a minute. Todd is taking us. Oh, I
cant go cause my dads coming to see me. I replied, Yea, hey I hope you have a good
visit. He replied. Who’s goi— I was interrupted by Scott, Ok we have Todd on his way to
take the ones of you that are going on an outing. If your not going on the outing we have
free time and visitation. I stayed seated while everyone seemed to be excited and getting
ready for the outing. I looked at the clock, only 10 more minutes. I wonder if we can go
outside. Maybe Dad will play basketball with me. My thoughts were interrupted when
Todd walked in, he was wearing a blue and white polo shirt and khaki pants. He was so
cool. Everyone was always happy to see him. I want to be like him someday I thought.
Hey Todd, I said as I waved. Hey buddy; he replied Are you gonna be heading out with
us? He asked. I shook my head no. I have my dad coming to visit I replied. Oh, that’s
cool, he replied with enthusiasm Maybe you can go swimming with us next Wednesday,
he suggested. Yea, that would be awesome I exclaimed. Ok, I hope I see you then he said
as he walked away. Todd told everyone the rules as they walked out the door. I braced
myself for the sound the door would make when it slammed shut. I hated that sound! It
reminded me that I was here and couldn’t leave. It reminded me that my freedom was on
the other side and didn’t belong to me. I checked the clock. It was finally time for
visitation. I wonder what car dad would drive. I realized I didn’t know what car he had or
what he would drive. How did visitation work? I wondered. I decided I would ask. Hey
Mr. Will I spoke up Yea what’s up buddy he replied. How does visiting work? I asked
Well As long as someone is approved for visits they can come by for visitation and see
you. Yea but like where is it? I asked. Its down in the cafeteria where we have lunch
through the week. When your family members get here we get a call and we walk you
down. Oh I replied. Wanna play rummy while you wait? Will asked. Ok, I replied. We
sat and played rummy. I watched the clock closely. After 10 minutes I wondered what
could be taking so long. Maybe he is just stuck in traffic, I thought. Will was doing his
best to distract me, but it wasn’t helping me, I was getting more nervous with each
second. At last the phone rang, I anxiously waited while will answered the phone. He
spoke for a minute and then he walked out and sat down to continue playing card. It
wasn’t them. What could possibly take so long? Can’t he read a clock!? I thought. Can
you call and see if he is here yet? I asked Will. They call as soon as they walk in he
assured me. But it’s been almost a half hour and he ain’t here yet; I pleaded. Okay, I
understand your anxiety but if he ain’t here yet I can’t make him appear. Will spoke
calmly and relaxed. His demeanor did nothing to help my anxiety. But then I wont get to
see him that long, I whined. Lets give it a few more minutes; will Replied Will dealt
another hand of cards and we continued on playing cards. Will did everything he could to
make me laugh but I just couldn’t keep my thoughts off my dad. I loved him and he was
my idol. I hadn’t seen him in forever! I really missed him. After our game I asked if I
could call him. Will looked hesitantly at his watch and agreed. He dialed the number and
handed me the phone. The phone rang several times. Just when I was about to hang up
my dad answered. Hello , my dad said Hey dad are you coming to see me? I asked. No he
said flatly. We got things to do around the house today. He answered. I couldn’t believe
he lied to me! How dare he! Lier! I screamed through the phone! You said you were
coming today! I yelled. First of all, you need to watch that tone with me he yelled back. I
said that I MIGHT come today. No, you said you were coming on Saturday, Today is
Saturday I yelled. Will walked over to me and told me I needed to stop yelling and civilly
talk to my dad. My dad responded but I didn’t hear him cause will was talking to me.
What did you say? I asked coldly. I said we could try again next week. Ok, I said. How
are you he asked, a little More calmly. Ok I replied. What are you doing? He asked Well
I was looking out the window for you. I replied with a little bit of a weighted tone. Well,
I'm gonna get off here then, he replied. Im not gonna talk to you while you're upset. Fine
I said as I slammed the phone down. Will turned his attention towards me and told me to
go to the timeout room to calm down. Clearly you're upset! Will Said He lied to me, I
yelled I'm sorry buddy. he responded calmly. I walked into the timeout room. I was
beginning to get used to this room. Why would he lie to me? Does he know I love him? I
missed him so much. I bet that bitch kept him from coming . I sat down and cried my
eyes out. My own father didn’t even love me! He doesn’t even wanna come visit me! To
hell with him! I'll get out of here and i'll kill him, I thought. I'll kill him and my mom!
They can both go to hell. I felt so abandoned! I didn’t want to exist anymore! I didn't
want anything! well, except for my family. Will stepped into the timeout room, are you
feeling better? He asked No, I replied through the tears. I wish he was dead! I replied.
Now don’t say that, will replied. You're just mad you didn’t get to see him today. That’s
ok, we got next week, No its not ok I replied. Don’t you get it! My own dad doesn’t even
want nothing to do with me! Hey buddy , come on now. Will responded. Come on, what
do you mean come on?. I yelled. You don’t get it, you probably have a loving family and
mom and dad that love you. I haven’t spoke to my mom in at least a year. My sister in at
least 2 years.My brother in 5 years. Now my dad don’t even want nothing to do with me!
What is so wrong with me? I asked. Will just stood there in silence. I began to cry again.
Will sat next to me and gave me a good strong hug, Im sorry you have to deal with this
buddy. If I could fix this I would. I just sat there and let him hug me. If felt so nice to
have a hug. I felt like finally, Someone cared. Not only that, but I believed him, I felt the
truth in his words. Chapter 8— Birchwood Me and Mr. Will became pretty good friends
after that day. I finally felt like I had someone in my court. Someone on my team.
Someone cheering for me. Mr. Will made me feel like I could accomplish anything. All
that changed one day. The campus had been building a new building called Birchwood. I
knew that this building was being built. I was curious who would move in first once it
opened up. I knew id never get to move into something nice like that. That was for
Terrence and his pals. I came home from school one day and and during room time ,
Scott came to my room. Hey chris how are you? He asked Good, I replied. That’s good,
Pack your things up, you're moving to birchwood. I am I exclaimed. Yea, hustle up he
replied. Wow I thought. No-one else had moved into this new cottage and I was kinda
excited to be moving. I wondered what would it be like. Would my room be bigger?
Would there be different staff? A million thoughts raced through my head as I packed my
belongings. As I packed my stuff I asked myself, How many times have I packed all my
stuff into a Trash bag? It was a harsh reality of the life I had since I left home. I didn’t
even have a suitcase. I had been at Brooklawn for quite awhile now and things were
different than on my first day. I was only being physically held 3 or 4 times a week rather
then every day or 2 times if I was having a hard time and I only got in fights occasionally.
I had began to talk to chris about my Step mom. He encouraged me to journal and began
to process what type of relationship I had with her. He knew my dad and I had been at
odds about my treatment. I really wanted to impress my dad. His acceptance meant the
world to me. Dad had still not came to visit and I only spoke to him on the phone once a
week. I wished he knew how much I missed him and how much I had changed. I wasn’t
the same little boy I was when I left home. I was different. Despite my stepmom not
answering every time I called, I still tried calling. Each time my heart sank with sadness
as I got the answering machine. On one hand I loved her, on another I hated her. I wanted
her to understand the damage she did with her abuse, but I dint even understand it myself.
Scott interrupted my thoughts as he called my name from down the hall. I grabbed my
bag of stuff and followed him to the van. We remained quiet the ride to the new cottage
and he only spoke when we entered the door. You will be in room 1 he said Ok, I replied.
As I walked into the building the first thing I noticed was the timeout room. It was bigger
than I was used to. We walked down a hallway and entered into a huge main room. The
size of this room was 3 times what I was used to. I also noticed there was a separate game
room. The tables we had for dinner had a checkerboard built into it. I could smell the
smell of fresh paint on the walls. The floors shined like new. Scott opened my room and I
was blown away of the size. It was twice the size of my room at oak hall and the window
had blinds that I could control to be able to see outside. There was a desk built in and it
was actually kinda big too. The bed was in the middle and still in its wrapper. Wow a
new bed I thought, Never had one of those. I was interrupted by a knock on my door. Hi
Chris, my name is Dennis , i'll be one of the staff working with you here at birchwood.
Go ahead, and unpack and when you're up to it, I'll give you the grand tour. Ok I replied,
I smiled. Grand tour I thought? What is he the butler? I sized him up, he was young and
skinny. He had no beard or facial hair and looked more like a big brother than a staff
member. He dressed nicely though and I had a certain respect to him for that. His smile
was warm and he chewed gum. For the first time in awhile I was truly happy. I had
Something new and something to be proud of. I wondered how or why I was so lucky to
have been able to move to this new dorm over Terrence and all his friends. Oh well, I
thought, not my problem. I walked out of my room and found Dennis. I wanted to be on
better terms with the staff at this new dorm then at oak. Hopefully then they would let me
go home. I wanted to go home so bad. I unpacked all my stuff and put things up neatly. I
wanted to keep my room clean. I also wanted the staff to respect me more and I felt if I
kept my room clean they would respect me more. Mr Dennis, walked out of the staff
office, What’s up? He asked Im ready for the grand tour, I replied. Ok sure, he replied So
over here is the tv room. This is where you can watch movies and tv shows. Out here is
the main room, the dining room and the group. Group is held here every day and you will
eat your meals at that table he pointed. Down this hallway is the laundry room and
timeout room. And through this door is the kitchen. Any questions? No I replied. Okay ,
well we have a few more kids on there way up here so maybe you can listen to your radio
in your room and hang out there until I come get you. That cool? He asked. yea, do you
have any coloring sheets? Yea ill bring you some and some crayons. He replied. I walked
into my room and turned on my radio. I looked around my new room and took in the size
and features. I walked over to the window and looked out at the main road. I watched the
cars go by and wondered about my mom and dad. Im sure dad was working. He was
either on his way to Chicago or on his way back. I bet he misses me, I thought. He was
always working. I missed him. I missed my sister donna too. Donna and I had been in at
Dessie Scott’s together and were able to see each other every day. Then she got out and
went into foster care. About a year after that was when I went to foster care. I hadn’t seen
her in what felt like forever. I sat and listened to the radio, 97.5 WAMZ Louisville’s
hottest country music, night train lane with you this afternoon. Tim McGraw is Coming
to the palace in Louisville. Get your tickets now. Here he is now with “Dont take the girl”
I sat and listened and remembered we had won a talent show contest at Dessie Scott
children’s home. She encouraged me to sing it with her and so I did. I remember she had
to remind me of the lyrics but I sang them the best I could. Those were the good days. I
was interrupted when the staff Mr. Dennis walked in, he handed me some crayons and a
coloring sheet. I noticed a new kid had moved up here with me and was in the next room.
I waved and smiled to him. I was curious as to who he was and what his story was. He
seemed kinda nice. Maybe we could be friends. I wanted a good friend. Truth be told I
needed a good friend. Someone to talk to and share things with. Someone to make my
stay more comfortable. It was clear that I wasn’t going home anytime soon. I sat In my
room and colored and listened to my radio. I sang along with every song and pretty soon I
forgot where I was. I was reminded when MR. Dennis yelled for group. Group? I didn’t
want to do group. I just wanted to listen to my radio and color. There was a loud bang at
my door and a new staff opened it. Group time, he yelled. Didn’t you hear us call? I don’t
want to do group I replied. I just want to hang out and color. Well too bad. He replied, its
group or timeout room. Those are your 2 options. This new staff was an asshole. Plain
and simple. I didn't like him immediately, he was big and tall and black. From the looks
of it he surely hadn’t missed a meal. His shirt hung down past his pants and his jeans
hung loosely. Who are you I asked Mr Rodney. He snarled. So what you wanna do, little
boy? He asked. I ain't no little boy first I yelled, so you can go to— Ok yes, you are a
little boy, he interrupted me, now you got the timeout room. If you wanna act like a 2 yr
old child you gonna get treated like a 2-year-old child. Now you gonna walk or am I
gonna take you to the timeout room? I ain't doing shit I yelled. He swooped into my room
wrapped me into a hold and put me on the floor. If you wanna yell and scream, go ahead
and yell, mommy and daddy ain't here to help you. I’m here. Let go of me I yelled. I
yelled every bad word I ever heard and he held as tight as he could. I cried and screamed.
All I wanted to do was color and listen to my music. Why was this new guy being so
mean. I didn’t even do anything wrong. After I relaxed he let me go. You go on to the
timeout room now. He said coldly Ill be back there to get you when I feel like you wanna
listen to people. I walked out of my room and towards the timeout room. As I walked to
the timeout room I noticed that all the other kids that had been moved up to this new
cottage all glared at me. Yet again I did not notice anyone. Once again I would be alone.
This is not how I wanted to start things out at this new cottage. Chapter 9—Seclusion
Again Things started out in birchwood worse than at oak. 3 of the kids hated me and
called me names. A few staff were mean and I wet my bed every night since I moved
here. Something the other kids made fun of me for. I couldn’t help it. On the bright side, I
made 2 new friends. Joey and Kyle. Joey I had met my first day at birchwood. He was
small and wore glasses. He had black hair and green eyes and had braces on his teeth.
Kyle was skinny and hyper like me, he talked fast and had red hair and blue eyes. Both
wet the bed like me and all 3 of us got made fun of for it. One morning I woke up and
gathered my things for a shower along with Kyle and joey. One of the other kids, James
smirked at us and asked us why we didn’t just wear diapers. His comment Made me
remember my foster dad and I snapped. I dropped my stuff and ran up tp him and
punched him in the nose. He swung at me and missed and I swung again and punched
him in the nose. By this time a staff grabbed me and shoved me towards the timeout
room. Not wanting to give up I pushed the staff away and tried to run to James and hit
him again. Halfway there Mr. Dennis grabbed me and put me in a hold on the floor. I
fought him and the other staff joined him and they both held me on the floor. Each staff
held an arm and told me to calm down. I struggled to get free and realized I hadn’t even
spoke any words since James made his remark. I couldn’t remember to talk at all. I soon
found my words and used every word in my vocabulary to tell the staff how I felt! I told
James I was gonna pound him when they let go. The staff continued to encourage me to
calm down but I refused! After what seemed to be forever more staff arrived including
mr will. They discussed me going into seclusion , something I didn’t want. Mr will asked
me what was wrong. I spoke to him and realized I had yelled so much my voice was
hoarse. Chris buddy what is up this morning? Mr will asked. I cried as I thought about
what James had said. Memories of my foster father flooded my mind and I remember his
last act. My foster father had wanted to have sex before he diapered me for bed. I was
tired and didn’t want him to touch me anymore. He had been pushing for the last few
days that he wanted to have sex and I had refused. That night he continued to touch me
and I whined and asked him to stop. He got mad and slapped me. He then tied my hand
behind my back. As he did this I yelled , STOP! STOP! He then leaned in my ear and
said “ fine, I’ll just rape you then”. I felt pain like I had never felt before. I cried out stop,
stop stop stop stop as he committed this act. I finally stopped asking him to stop as I
knew he wouldn’t stop. After he was done he diapered me and left my room. I felt so
dirty and vulnerable that I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I was so sore I
couldn’t hardly walk. I was sore and walking made it worse. My foster father told me to
take a shower and then he would get me ready for school. He acted like last night hadn’t
happened at all. Later my social worker arrived at the school she said that he told her I
tried setting the house on fire and she told me that I was going to caritas where they could
fix my meds. She never even bothered to get my stuff from the foster home. Chris I need
you to talk. Will interrupted my thoughts. What’s going on he asked? I struggled to find
the word to express how much it hurt to even think about everything. How could I expect
Mr. Will to understand. It was pointless to say anything. What could he do? Nothing. Just
let me go I screamed as I struggled to get free. I can’t have them release you Chris if your
still a danger. I’m not just let me go I screamed and cried. This is not fair. I cried and
screamed and did everything I could to get free. They wouldn’t let go. I was so mad I
couldn’t even think straight. Suddenly they all picked me up and carried me to the time
out room. Once in the timeout room they let go and waked out, closing the door behind
them. The next noise was on that was so loud I am still scared by it to this day. The sound
of the lock. Once they locked it I freaked out more. I ran to the door and banged on it and
yelled and screamed and asked them to open the door. Mr. Will told me to sit down and
relax. I continued it bang on the door more and more. I banged until it felt like my arms
felt like they were gonna fall off. Why did I always get in trouble? Why was I the one in
seclusion? I didn’t do anything wrong, yet I was the one being locked away! I sat down
and cried! I cried so hard I struggled to breath. It was at this moment I started thinking of
a way to kill myself. I didn’t have a will or a purpose to live. For that matter I had no one
to live for. The only question was, how? My thoughts were interrupted when the door
locks were unlatched and the door opened. Mr. Will stood there and looked at me for a
moment. I knew he was there, but I didn’t acknowledge him. I wasn’t mad at him,
however I was mad at the world. I was mad at my life this far and mad that I couldn’t
control myself or my anger. I even felt regret, I felt regret for even being born. I felt
regret for allowing my foster father to do what he did. Or letting it happen in the first
place. I had so many emotions going through me that I didn’t know what to say or do. So
I just sat there. Quietly. Mr will continued to sit with me. Although he had sat there for
what felt like an hour he never uttered a word. He just sat there. I didn’t know what he
wanted from me. The room was so quiet you could here the clock TikTok on the wall.
Eventually the silence got to be too much for me so I asked Mr will, Why am I always the
one getting held? Because you present a danger to yourself and others. He replied. You
can’t go around punching people. Regardless of what the situation is. You have to learn
self control. But he knows my foster father did stuff to me. I exclaimed. Like what? Mr
will asked, with a hint of concern in his voice. Like in foster care! He did stuff that
wasn’t right. I mean at least I dont think it was I replied. Did he hit you? Mr will asked
No, I replied! He made me split wood and do chores and stuff. I replied. That’s normal.
You have chores and stuff here , he replied. What about when I wasn’t doing chores?
Like at night ? I asked? What did he do will asked? I could detect concern in his voice,
like he really cared. He touched me and had sex with me I replied. I began crying again.
He made me have sex with him. I yelled, At first I let it happen and I didn’t really mind I
cried. But the last time I didn’t want to no more. I just wanted to be a normal kid. Then
he tied my hand behind my back and did it anyways. I yelled stop and he didn’t. Sorry
that happened mr will replied. Why did you get mad today, he asked. Well I wet the bed
in foster care and they made me wear diapers for it. Even during the day I would pee my
pants and they made wear pull ups and diapers. I had to go to special classes and all the
kids made fun of me for it. He nodded, I read your history. He replied. Then everybody
was saying that I needed diapers for wetting the bed here and I got mad at them. All I
could think about was my foster father doing what he did. So I punched him. I get it , mr
will replied. I will address it with the staff here at birchwood, Have you talked to your
therapist Mr. Chris about this? He asked. No, I replied. Well you need to talk to him
about this. He can help you process this. However, you need to learn self control. You
ready to go to school? He asked. Yea, I guess. What if Mr. Chris cant help me I asked. He
can help you! Mr will replied. And he will. But you have to let him. I walked out of the
timeout room feeling a little lighter. Mr. Will had become the first person to understand
me. He understood me more than anyone had in the past. Could I trust Mr. Chris to help
me out? Only 1 way to find out I thought. Chapter 10— its not your fault I met with chris
later that week. He was his usual happy go lucky self. We walked an talked on our way to
his office. I had actually been looking forward to seeing chris this week. I wanted to tell
him about my foster father. When we got to his office he asked me if I had anything I
wanted to discuss with him. I looked at him unsure of if I could trust him or not.
Realizing I had to trust what mr will said I would tell him. Well mr will told me I needed
to trust you and tell you about what happened to me. I replied Well I cant help you if you
wont allow me, he replied. But I understand you have to be comfortable as well.he
continued. Well if I tell you about it , Will I get on phase 2 I asked. No, he chuckled.
Thats not how that works. He replied. But you will feel better and it shows that your
becoming more mature. So in a way, it can help you get to phase 2. Yea right, I retorted.
Why wouldn’t it he Asked Cause it won’t, I replied coldly. Like how, he asked. Cause, I
replied with frustration. I still wet the bed every night. I even had an accident the other
day I cried. Thats not your fault he replied. You cant help it. He continued. It will pass
with time he stated. Not only that but talking about whats bothering you will help. It will,
I asked. Yea he replied. It will be like a weight lifted off of your shoulder. Oh I replied. I
sat there for a minute not sure where to even start. Where do I start I asked. Well, you
wanna share with me what your foster father did? He asked. Like you told mr will. Ok I
replied. Well when I moved in with them at first everything was cool. He was super nice
to me and would give me hugs and stuff. Then after I had been there for a week and had
wet the bed every night , he suggested I wear diapers to bed so I didn’t get the new
mattress wet or my sheets. He explained it would be easier. i had worn them at other
places and it didn’t seem like that big of a deal to me so I said ok. Where was the foster
mom, Mr chris Asked. She was nurse at the hospital and she had to work a lot. I replied.
Oh ok he replied. Go on. He said So that day we went to the store. He said I could buy
some new pajamas and some new underwear as my others were ruined. But he also told
me it was ok cause my new ones wouldn’t get peed in so they would be better. Then we
went to the diaper aisle. He pointed out a few that would fit me and asked which ones I
liked the most. I wasn’t sure at first. I was kinda embarrassed. Then I saw some that had
barney on them and I liked barney when I was little so I picked them out. He told me not
to be embarrassed that a lot of the kids wet the bed. He even told me he bets I would look
cute in these diapers. I felt weird being told that, but I liked the attention. So we checked
out and went on with our day. Later that night when I took a bath he walked in and told
me when I was done to come see him in my room so he could put my diaper on me. I was
embarrassed he saw me naked. But I told my self to get used to it cause he was gonna put
me in a diaper. I walked into my room and he helped me lay in my bed. He opens the
diapers and pulled one out, it crinkled loudly and screamed I am a baby. I was so
embarrassed. He grabbed a baby wipe and wiped my privates. He explained that the area
had to be dry or i would get a rash. Then he applied baby powder and rubbed it in. He
touched my privates several times and at first I didn’t like it. Then he put the diaper on
me. After that he let me put on my new pajamas. I felt like a big baby about the whole
issue. He turned on the tv and had me sit in his lap. He rubbed my back and it felt nice. I
fell asleep. The next morning I woke up and the bed and sheets were dry. The only thing
wet was my diaper. My foster father took it off and wiped me good with the baby wipe
and told me to get dressed. Every night he would do the same thing. But after awhile he
would touch my privates more and more. Then one night he suggested I touch him. He
told me it was normal and that I would like it. Then he took out his privates and told me
to touch him. He told me that if I loved him I would do it. So I did. I knew what he was
doing was wrong in a way. However, I wanted a daddy and I wanted to be loved. He told
me he loved me and always bought me toys and stuff. It felt nice. So I let him do
whatever he wanted. Then one night he put my privates in his mouth. I had the idea by
now that he wasn’t supposed to do this to me cause he would tell me that it was our little
secret. He told me that what the guys do when moms not around is between us guys. He
told me if I told anyone they would sent me off. He was telling you that to scare you, mr
chris interrupted. But I am here I replied. Confused more than anything now. Well he was
right that you would be sent away, mr chris explained. However, you should actually
have been sent to another foster home. But when you try to set the house on fire then they
wont send you to another foster home. They send you here or caritas. But I didn’t set the
house on fire, I yelled. Thats what we have in you paper work Mr chris replied. I never
did that I yelled. Ok calm down, mr chris replied. I’m just telling you what I have read.
YOU DON’T BELIVE ME DO YOU? I YELLED. I got mad and ran out of Chris’
office. I ran down the hallway and kicked the door leading outside hard. Mr chris
followed me. Chris buddy calm down. I not taking sides. If you didn’t then you didn’t. I
can fix that for you ok. How? I asked. I can call your state worker and discuss it with him
and he can look in to it. Yea, and then say I was lying, I replied. Can you come back to
my office and we can talk about it? Mr chris Asked. I slowly walked back to his office.
He wasn't trying to hurt me. He seemed like he really wanted to help. Go ahead tell me
the rest. I sat there remembering the last night I was there. I tried to hold back the tears
but they came out anyways. As I started crying , I continued my story. Things continued
with us going through the same stuff every night. He would touch me and I would touch
him. He slowly stopped buying me toys and stuff. I was often in trouble, even for little
stuff. I cried hard as memories of the last night came to my mind. Mr. Chris Gave me a
tissue. Then the last night I was there , I bawled like a baby. He Raped me. I cried more. I
told him to stop over and over and he just kept on doing it. Mr. Chris handed me more
tissues and I wiped my face. He looked at me. Im sorry you had to experience that he
spoke. One thing I want you to know is what happen wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your
fault at all. He came over and hugged me. We spent the next half hour talking about my
abuse. He helped me work through my feelings. For the first time someone listened to
me. For the first time, someone believed me. Now you ready to go back to the cottage?
He asked Yea I repled. I walked out of his office, feeling like a weight had be lifted off
my shoulders. Chapter 11— My First Outing Days continued to move along. I would
wake up and take a shower and get ready for school. I continued to talk to Mr. Chris
about my abuse and history. I actually grew to like him. He was able to point out that I
had a reason to be angry. I had my own mother try to kill me and then went to foster care
and got physically abused. Then I went to live with my dad and my step mother was
physically abusive as well. Throw that in with what my foster father and I had every right
to be angry. I even had a reason to be depressed and have no real will to live. As I
continued these sessions my behavior changed. I wasn’t getting into fights as much. I had
only been in one restraint for a short time due to banging my head on the wall and biting
myself. This led up to me being able to go on an outing one Saturday. We were scheduled
to go bowling with Mr. Todd. Everyone was excited to go. I was most excited because
this was my first time going out in public. The week seemed to slowly progress and I was
anxious to go. I couldn’t sleep on Friday night. I Remembered at caritas that they had a
bowling ally. I wasn’t the best at bowling. I liked it but wasn’t too good at it. The day
finally arrived. I woke up with so much excitement I could hardly contain it. I normally
hated Saturday mornings because we were required to deep clean our room. It always
took forever but I knew not to act up or I wouldn’t get to go when mr Todd came to take
us. When Mr Todd came in he shared my excitement. He congratulated me for getting to
go. We all lined up and out to the van we went. The van was nothing to be impressed
about. It had dents everywhere on it and the back bumper was falling off. The doors gave
a loud squeak when we opened them. Mr Todd let Charlie a kid didn’t like ride up front.
Mr. Todd started the van and off we went. Charlie put the radio on b 96 the local rap
channel. I really didn’t like rap until I was placed at brook lawn. however, after being
forced to listen to it here I grew to like it. I really liked Nelly. As the radio played on we
all sang along. Everybody was in a good mood. Mr Todd drove and sang with us. It felt
great to be out in the real world. I was glad to get to go. As we pulled int to the parking
lot Mr Todd gave us our expectations. Alright y’all listen up, he bellowed. I want
everyone to stay with the group. Everyone needs to behave while we are in here. Any
questions? Everyone sat in silence. Good he said. Lets Go. We all piled out of the van
and walked into the bowling alley. As we walked in the bowling alley sound hit us. As
we entered the bowling alley was loud. There was rap music playing and the sound of the
bowling balls hitting the pins. There were people talking loudly. The place smelled like
pizza and chicken. After Mr Todd spoke to the people and paid them we all lined up to
get our bowling shoes. Once we had our shoes we were instructed to a lane. My group
was on one side and another group across from us. After Mr Todd put in our name on the
TV screen. He called the first two up. Mr Todd called me up after they went. I grabbed a
ball and approached the line. I paid close attention to what I was doing. I lined the ball up
and let it rip. I watched as the ball slowed down and hit the pins. Strike! Wow everyone
cheered. I sat down and every one high fived me. It felt great for everyone to like me. I
couldn’t wait to call my dad and tell him later tonight. I missed a lot and wished he was
here. I continued to play and get strikes and spares. It felt great to play and everyone get
along. It may sound weird but It felt like in that moment I felt like the kid I should have
felt like. I was Happy. I was no longer a kid at brooklawn. I wasn’t a kid who couldn’t
control his anger. I wasn’t a kid that had been physically and sexually abused. I was a “
normal” kid. We played for a few games and Mr. Todd , called us to line up. It was time
to go back to the cottage. My heart sank. I didn’t wanna go back. I knew I had no choice.
As we headed back to the van I dreaded going back to the cottage. I sat in silence as
everyone else listened to the radio and sang along. Even going back everyone was in
good spirits. I wasn’t. I wanted to go anywhere but back to the cottage. As we pulled
back on campus Mr Todd told everyone to go to there rooms as soon as they returned to
the cottage. Great, now I have to sit in my room as well, I thought. I walked in to the
cottage a went to my room. Mr Todd opened my door. Have fun today? He asked Yea, I
replied Good, he replied. I’m glad you came with us. I entered my room and lay on my
bed. For the most part today was a good day, I thought. I didn’t fight anyone. No one
bothered me. A good day indeed. Chapter 12- WAGNER Cottage As time moved on I
found myself becoming more calm. I slowly started to understand my anger and
recognize it when i became escalated. I started to learn how to ignore the other kids. My
counseling sessions with mr Chris were more interesting because I found something to
talk to him about. He helped me identify my triggers and what exactly it was that I was
mad at. This led to a transition to less restrictive cottage. Wagner cottage was a older
building. It was named after one of the founders of brooklawn. The paint on the walls
was a bright yellow color and the smell of bleach was in the air as I walked into the
cottage. I recognized a few people there from around campus. I was excited when my
eyes fell upon an old friend! Billy I exclaimed! As I saw him. We approached one
another and high fives each other. Man good to to see you I said. Same , man he replied
with a smile on his face. Welcome to Wagner cottage he said. Thanks I replied I was glad
that I would be spending more time with billy. I really liked him and there was something
about him that I felt but couldn’t quite identify. I walked into my room and met jimmy
my roommate. We fist bumped each other and introduced ourselves. He had a game boy
game and played it on his bed while I unpacked. What brings you to brook lawn? he
asked. My anger and aggression, I replied. My depression as well. How bout you? I asked
My anger he replied. I got mad and punched my stepdad in the nose. After that they sent
me here. I see , I replied. After I unpacked everything. I left my room to get to know my
peers. Billy approached me with a chess board and asked if I wanted to play. We sat and
played and discussed what the other had been doing since we last saw each other. I really
liked billy. He had a great smile and his attitude was positive about things. I never saw
him sad. I didn’t know why he was here, so I decided to ask. Billy can I ask you a
question? I asked Sure, he replied You don’t have to answer, I started. It just seems like
your a little out of place here. Why are you here? I asked. Oh, he looked down. I tried to
kill myself he replied. You did , I said surprised. Yea, he replied. My mom died 2 years
ago and my dad works all the time. I’m not the most popular kid in school. When my dad
is home he’s always drinking and yelling. I guess now I’m gonna go live in a foster home
because my dad don’t really want me to live with him. Oh, sorry I replied It’s cool, he
said. Honestly I can’t wait to leave here and go to a foster home. He smiled. I can’t really
wait to go home I replied Why exactly are you here he asked My anger, I replied. I don’t
really know why I get so angry all the time but I do. My anger has ruined a lot of
relationships. My step mom was abusive to me. My dad has distanced himself. I haven’t
seen my brother and sister in forever. I feel all alone. Yea, I mean you get mad a lot. He
replied. Yea, my depression gets me too sometimes. I replied. I guess I haven’t found a
reason to be happy I said. Well you kinda have the same thoughts as I do. I have no
reason to live, and you have no reason to be happy. He replied. Well to be honest I told
him, you are a great friend. I mean I would say that you make me happy. Your someone I
can talk to and someone that understands. The staff here don’t understand us I replied.
They don’t get whats its like to have seen the things I have seen. Thanks he replied, but I
mean I think some of the staff get us. Not all of them but I think some of them. Yea/ I
asked. maybe I replied. So what made you want kill yourself? I asked. Billy looked at me
and fought back tears. I miss my mom a lot. She was my everything. She understood me
and she knew how to make my bad days better. My dad, all he does is drink. If he isn’t
drinking he’s at work. Damn I replied. Sorry. I guess sometimes someone has it worse
then others. Huh? I asked Yea. He replied. I mean your a great friend too. I’ve never had
anyone take up for me the way you did back in oak hall. Plus we have a lot in common.
Yea. I replied. Our conversation was interrupted when it was time to go to bed. The staff
all yelled bedtime. Me and billy started putting away the chess board and the pieces. We
said goodnight and headed our separate ways, It felt good to be at Wagner. The staff were
ok. I had my friend billy and a roommate. Plus I was one more step to getting out of here.
Chapter 13 PARENTAL RIGHTS - The 2nd Worst Day of my Life Things progressed
for me a lot in Wagner. I was learning how to deal with my anger and feelings. Me and
billy were becoming great friends. We did a lot together. We played basketball together
outside and if we were inside on a rainy day we played board games and cards. We
became inseparable. We talked about everything. We even played jokes on one another. I
got in trouble one day when I got the idea to put lotion on his doorknob. The staff didn’t
think it was as funny as I did. I still laugh at that moment to this day. Billy was also there
to help me through one of the most challenging times I was going to have to deal with.
However, I didn’t know it at the time. I guess god does things and we don’t even know
about them. It was coming up on my 1 year anniversary on campus. Something that I was
definitely not proud of, I was proud of the progress I had made though. Truth be told I
was grateful for the help I had received. At the time I may not have told anyone. I was in
therapy with my therapist Chris and he informed me I had a court date coming up. He
explained that I would need to dress up in something presentable to the judge and be
prepared to talk to the judge. He advised me of my manners and told me court was at
noon. The following week and the day arrived. I got dressed up in a suit and tie. All the
staff on campus told me I looked good and acknowledged my outfit. I couldn’t help but
smile. I really didn’t care about going to court, I just wanted to get off campus. I had a
hard time paying attention in class and kept looking at the time. Every time I looked at
the clock it looked like it was froze . Is that clock even working? I thought. 9am , then 10.
Ugh times is so slow when you want to get to something. 11 finally came. I waited
nervously for my name to be called to be called out of class. 11:15, no one yet...maybe
there just get the paperwork ready, I thought. 11:30, what’s up? Maybe I got the time
wrong, I was sure he said 12. I sat and waited and waited and no one came. I was
confused, I did my best to stay on task and do my school work. My teacher noticed my
nervousness and praised me for being able to stay on task. Lunch came, and I saw Billy.
He waved as I entered the lunch room. I went and stood next to him in line. So? He asked
. So what? I asked. So how was court? He asked. Oh I haven’t gone yet I replied. What?
Why not? He asked. I don’t know they haven’t came and got me yet. I stated. I thought it
was at noon? He he looked at me questioning. Me too I said, they just didn’t come get
me. I don’t I know I shrugged. We got our lunch together and sat down. We talked about
our classes and how we were doing in our classes. He was good on math and loved it. I
was better at history and English. As we ate lunch we discussed hitting the lottery and
what we would do with the money. After lunch we went our separate ways. I was looking
forward to history class and had forgotten all about court. I was sitting in history class
and was happy because we were talking about the history of cars and how they made a
difference in our world. My class was interrupted by Mr. Scott as he tapped on the door.
He addressed my teacher and asked for me to be excused from class. I gathered my things
and left. Hey, Mr. Scott I said. Are you taking me to court? No actually I’m taking you to
treatment team. Oh I replied with confusion As we entered into the room for treatment
team I was surprised at how many people make up the treatment team. I noticed Chris my
therapist and Mr will, Mr. Scott, and 3 or 4 more people that introduced themselves and I
quickly forgot their names. As I sat down Mrs, Cynthia a person who I never would
forget spoke up, Chris I’m afraid today we have some bad news. What kinda bad news I
asked, confused I assumed that she was gonna tell me that court had been canceled. I
wasn’t ready for the bomb shell she was about to drop in my lap. As of today you father
has signed away his rights, she stated matter of factly. What does that mean I asked? I
would confused. At this time mr. Will got up and sat next to me. It means that you won’t
be able to see your dad until you turn 18. Mr will spoke up. I don’t understand, I stated. I
started to cry. I somehow got the idea my dad had died. It means that you won’t be able
to visit your dad, or your mom or go home. You are considered a ward of the state. Mrs.
Cynthia spoke again. He words cut deep like a knife. She said it without any sympathy.
You mean my dad gave up I cried. Why? I thought. I’m sure that your dad was faced with
a tough decision and he made the decision he made to best suit what was best for you.
Mr. Chris spoke up. I nodded, not really understanding but not really wanting them to
keep telling me stuff they thought I wanted to hear. I cried softly. I was confused. I left
the meeting with a feeling of betrayal and numbness. A million questions ran through my
head. Why would my dad give up? I was trying! I was getting better and better with every
day. Couldn’t he see that? Didn’t he love me? My questions took me from confusion to
anger. Well screw him then, I don’t need him. I thought. I bet that bitch made him do it.
My anger for my stepmom grew and I bit my tongue and clenched my jaw. When I got
back to Wagner cottage I went to my room and stayed there. I didn’t have the will or
courage to keep going. I felt like no one believed in me. I lost faith in myself. At the time
I thought I was getting better for others. But that wasn’t the idea, I had to get better for
myself. I spent the next few days feeling numb and depressed. I had given up hope. I felt
betrayed and worthless. I didn’t direct my anger and hurt to anyone I kept it inside. That
backfired on me. All that anger being bottled up caused me to explode into one of the
most extreme fits of rage I’d ever been in. One night when another kid said something
about me not even being worth something to my own family I snapped. I went after that
kid with every intention of killing him. I wasn’t gonna beat him up I was gonna kill him.
The kid was able to escape the room before I could reach him and mr. Scott and the staff
sent all the other kids to their rooms. I flipped over 2 tables and ripped the water fountain
off the wall. Mr. Scott and Mr. Will both had to hold me. After struggling for sometime
another staff came in and all 3 staff had to hold me. They held me for 45 minutes that
day. I was all fought out and had no energy to keep fighting. My arms felt like noodles. I
couldn’t feel my legs. My voice was horse. After that staff released me Mr. Scott told me
to sit in the time out room for awhile and he would return at a later time and we would
talk. I sat in the timeout room in silence. I felt as numb as I could get. Part of me wanted
to die. The other part didn’t know how to carry on. I didn’t have the will to live or move
on. I felt alone and worthless. Most of all I felt unloved. I reflected on the relationship I
had with my father. He was my hero, we had our good times. He always let me ride in the
truck with him. At home, we watched trucking movies together. We ate ice cream and
popcorn. We worked outside in the yard together. I idolized him. Why would he give up
on me? What a jerk. I sat there with a particular anger and hate for my father. I wanted to
make him pay! I wanted him to feel the same pain as I felt! I wanted him to acknowledge
me and the progress I’d made. Didn’t he get it I was changing for him. I was working
hard for him. Mr. Scott interrupted my thoughts. He entered the doorway and stood there
with silence. Not sure what to do or say I sat there quietly and didn’t respond. I sat there
and listened to the buzzing of the light above me. Mr Scott spoke up after a few minutes,
Wanna talk about this? He asked. He didn’t have the right to say what he did, I replied
dryly He didn’t, your right. But that don’t mean you had the right to do what you did. He
replied. You were both in the wrong. But I don’t want to talk about that, he stated matter
of factly. I want to talk about what this kid in front of me is going to do to get past this
point in his life. I don’t know, I replied. Confused I asked, why did my dad give up on
me? Why of all people him? Mr. Scott responded, well maybe your dad did what he had
to do. Maybe he did this not because he wanted to, but because he had to. Perhaps he did
it because he knew you needed more than he could provide. It’s not your fault. It’s not his
fault. You are just a victim of the situation, both of you. I sat there and began to
understand what Scott was saying. To be honest, I wasn’t the easiest person to be around
sometimes. Even if I was working hard on myself, I still did a lot of damage in my wake.
I did a lot of complex reflection on my own issues that night. Being honest with myself I
had a lot of things to work on yet. I wasn’t as bad as I had been, but I wasn’t as good as I
was gonna become either. I made a vow that night that I had to do better. I had to be a
better person. I had to focus on my treatment here at Brooklawn and I most definitely had
to learn to control myself. I also had to be honest going forward. I couldn’t lie about my
feelings. I had to change for me not for anyone else but me. Chapter 14 Public School
After that night things began to move into a new direction for me. I had began to
understand that while my road was a tuff one, others have had a tuff road as well. Billy
was one of those individuals with a long tuff road. I was called to Chris’s office on a
Friday afternoon. Everyone else was outside playing dodgeball and I would have much
instead been out there playing with them even though I wasn’t that good. As chris and I
talked he asked me about how I felt about going to public school. I sat and thought for a
moment as memories flashed back to me being bullied at my last school. I remembered
the other kids laughing at me and calling me names. I’m not sure: I replied I mean the
kids used to make fun of me a lot I replied Well, this is a step towards getting you out of
here, he informed me. If you can handle public school then chance are you can handle
being in foster care. It is, I asked. Yep. He replied, We spent the better part of the session
discussing the expectations for going to public school and the responsibilities I would
have. By the end of the session, I was Kinda excited about going on Monday. I anxiously
waited all weekend and alas, Monday morning finally arrived. I woke up with a bit of
excitement and a tad more pep in my step. I brushed my teeth and hurried through my
morning routine. I had picked out my best outfit the night before. I definitely wanted to
look cool as the new kid. After everything was done I hurried to the bus stop. I sat at the
bus stop and waited quietly. I luckily had my Walkman CD player and was able to listen
to some music. I sat and waited what seemed like forever and finally the bus arrived. The
driver opens the doors with a loud squeaky noise the pierced through my headphones. I
walked upon the bus and was met with the kids I’d be going to school with. Most of the
kids looked at me with questionable looks. I walked and looked for a seat that was empty
so I wouldn’t have to sit with anybody. Of course, my luck wouldn’t allow me to find an
empty chair. Reluctantly I sat down with a kid about my age. He was black and had a
white shirt on with blue jeans. He had headphones in and paid no attention to me. I was
ok with that. As we arrived at the school I was surprised at how big it was. The sign out
front said Thomas Jefferson Middle School. The school reminded me of a school you
would see on TV. It kinda reminded me of the school on boy meets world. As I got off
the bus I remembered when I was home walking to school with my brother and sister. We
lived on Garfield Ave then. Our elementary school was right down the block and we got
to walk to school. It was nice to be able to walk to school and be so close. I cherished
those days. I Missed those days. I even remembered the time we live in an apartment
community and me and my sister was playing chase. It was the dead of winter and there
was ice on the fground. She slipped and fell and cut her ear. I hurried to her and she cried.
Afraid of what would happen to us if we missed the bus we got on the bus and went o
school. I sat with my sister and she held her ear. Once we got to school I told my sister
that we needed to go to the office to have her ear looked at. She refused and went to
home room. We had separate home rooms so I had to leave here. Eventually she went to
the office in my mom came and got her and took her to the doctors. I’ll never forget that
day. She was so brave and I was scared.. I entered into the office and spoke to a lady
behind the counter and asked for my schedule. She asked me for my name and other
information and I was given my schedule. The lady wish me good luck and welcome to
be to the school she gave me directions to my homeroom class and told me where my
locker was. She seemed nice enough and I was hoping that all of the people of the school
would be as nice as her. My morning was slow to start until I met my 2nd period teacher.
She had on a goofy dress and a goofy hat, she reminded me of the teacher on the magic
school bus tv show. I remember watching that show when I was younger. She introduced
herself and I discovered she was to be my new history teacher. Mrs Burton was her name.
I felt comfortable around her and a she had a positivity that was Infectious. I kinda
wanted to be like her and see the good in everything. A few kids poked fun at her and
said she was pretty coo koo. I didn’t think so. The rest of my day went on uneventful. I
rode the bus back to campus. I felt my heart sink as it approached. Back to Wagner I go I
thought. Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. Chapter 15 I’m Gay Too As I arrived back at
Wagner everyone was called to the day room. As I walked to the day room I was curious
as to why we were being called to the day room. Under normal circumstances, we all
went to our rooms for transition. As I walked into the day room I noticed billy and sat
next to him. He appeared happy and I could see a certain glow or something in him. I
couldn’t place my finger on it. How are you? I asked Good he replied What’s going on? I
asked They are switching rooms around. I was able to talk to Scott and get us roomed
together he smiled brightly. Oh wow, cool. I replied. I was excited about having Billy as
my roommate. I would have someone I could talk to and room time would be easier and
more entertaining. We sat quietly as staff went over expectations for room switching and
transition. As staff talked I watched billy closely. He seemed anxious and fidgety. I also
felt like he was cute. He was someone who I wanted to spend time with. Staff dismissed
us and me and billy went our separate ways. He was gonna be moving into my room so
he went to gather his stuff and I went to my room to clean it. My room wasn’t dirt or
anything however I wanted to make it clean and organized so billy wouldn’t think I was a
slob. My old roommate was out in a flash. I got so caught up in my cleaning and listening
to the radio that when billy walked in he surprised me. He had his arms full of stuff and I
offered my help. He told me he didn’t want my help in a defensive tone. I was taken
aback by his response but backed off and gave him his space. While billy setup his stuff I
worked on homework from school. I hated homework and school in general. I reflected
on my past experience in schools while in placements and recalled I had never been a
popular kid. I was always an outcast and I concluded that was why I hated school the
most. Billy interrupted my thoughts when he started singing at the top of his lungs. I had
the radio on the local mix station and the new song by Nickleback remind me, came on!
“Never made it as a wise man I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin' Tired of livin' like a
blind man I'm sick of sight without a sense of feelin' And this is how you remind me This
is how you remind me of what I really am This is how you remind me of what I really
am” I laughed and sang along with billy. We were having a great time singing along and
dancing in our room. Billy kept a smile on his face as the song ended and jumped on his
bed. Ya know I like that song cause its like I can be my self around you he said to me.
Really I asked. Yea, he replied You just have this way about you I guess. He continued. I
mean if I’m being honest your like the only friend I have here. I replied He smiled, that’s
because we have things in common.. Really? Like what? I asked Well if you haven’t
noticed, and don’t tell anyone please, but I’m gay too. He replied nonchalantly I stood
there shocked not really knowing what to say. He then laughed it off and said I’m just
kidding. At that time we got called out of our rooms for the day room to begin the rest of
our day. As me and Billy left our room and went to the day room to sit I overheard a few
other kids comment here come the two boyfriends. It kind of bothered me that they would
say such a thing, but I’ll let it slide as I didn’t want to get into trouble. I just told myself
they didn’t know what they were talking about and let it be. I didn’t realize that I must’ve
really been changing because I hadn’t reacted the way I usually would have in the past. In
the past, I would’ve been ready to fight them I would’ve yelled profanities, and
everything else. I guess I really was changing even if I didn’t see it myself at times. I
couldn’t help but to wonder if what billy said was true. Was he gay? Was I gay? I can’t
imagine all these people were wrong about me being gay. But what even is gay? Why is
it such a big deal? I guess I could ask Chris. Who knows, maybe I will. Chapter 16 Im
Gay! Our Day continued on when Scott informed us that we would be going personal
shopping that night and that those eligible for an outing would be able to go. Being
eligible meant you were on the highest level and weren’t on campus restrictions. I was
actually eligible. For once. Everyone was excited as personal shopping meant we could
buy new stuff like radios or cds that we wanted. It also meant we got to leave the campus
for a few hours at least. If we had a good enough staff we could even go to McDonalds
and get “Real Food” and not the campus food we had any other time. Scott called out the
names of the kids that were allowed to go. Sadly billy was on the highest level but was on
campus restrictions which meant he wasn’t allowed to leave the campus. Staff could
place you on campus restrictions for any number of reasons, if they felt you were a flight
risk , had self harmed such as cutting your self or if you had gone off campus before with
an issue. Billy was on restrictions for trying to run away. We all lined up and I was so
caught up in my eligibility to get off campus I didn’t stop to think about billy much and
how he must of felt being stuck back at the cottage. I kinda felt bad for him and almost
went back to the cottage and didn’t go. It wasn’t like I was going with any kids I liked
anyway. However I decided I had earned time off campus and I wasn’t gonna let the
other kids that got to go ruin it for me. We all piled into the van and drove our way to the
store. Of course one of the more popular kids was up front and had control of the radio
and of course it had to be rap. I just rode and looked out the window. I thought about
what country cd I would buy. Maybe get a new radio that was louder then the other kids
co I could blast my country music and they would have to listen to it like I had to listen to
theirs. I smiled to myself as I thought about all the times I spent on the road with my dad
and the music we listened to. If I tried hard I could just imagine him singing along to the
radio and me laughing at his made up words. I missed my dad. As we Pulled into the
parking lot the worker that brought us to the Walmart started telling us how much money
we had to spend. One guy like $100 another Like $50 and then she said my name. $340.
Everyone was like man you're rich. I came to realize that every time I was unable to come
to shopping It was being saved. As we walked into Walmart I couldn’t think of all the
stuff I could buy. In my mind I was a millionaire. I was definitely going to buy a new
radio. I was also thinking about new cds I could buy. Tim McGraw was on the top of that
list. His music had become therapeutic and influential. I don’t know how he knew it but
he always sang the right words that helped me understand myself better. I reached for his
newest release “ set this circus down”. After reviewing the track list I HAD to have that
CD. Billy Gilman was another one of those cds I bought. I really liked his music.
However I also thought he was cute. It was there and then I realized and admitted to
myself that I was gay. If it was wrong it could be added to the list of things that was
wrong with me. That might be a long list but it was what it was. After we were done at
Walmart we piled back into the van and headed back to Campus. I realized I had been so
distracted with shoping that I forgot all about billy. I came to realize today was a good
day. Today without me trying I had a good day. We arrived back at campus and I went to
my room to put everything up. I opened my new radio and set it up. Billy walked in and
was happy I was back. He was surprised at all the new stuff I bought and really liked my
new radio. I also showed him my new cds. He looked at the Bily Gilman cd and put it
down. It kinda fell quiet in our room for a moment. I decided that we needed to finish that
conversation we started earlier. Hey Billy, I started , I just wanted you to know that , I am
Gay. So if you are as well I won’t tell no-one. Yea, I know he said You know? I asked.
How? I don’t know how I knew I just did. Cool, I replied. So are you gay? I asked Yea, I
am he admitted. Cool. I replied. At least I’m not alone. So im just curious then does that
make us boy friends? I asked I don’t think so, He Replied. Oh, I said I mean one guy
would have to ask the other guy out. He stated. Oh ok.i replied We sat there in silence
and listed to the music in the background. I put my other stuff I got away. While I sat
there billy watched me smiling. Curious as to why he was smiling asked him what? He
replied, this is the happiest I ever saw you before. Oh I replied. Really? Yea, normally
your so angry. Its nice to see you happy. He smiled. Thanks I replied, Before I knew it we
were hugging each other. In another persons eyes it might have been frowned upon for
two boys to hug each other. In my world I had never felt so relieved, comfortable ,
understood, loved. It felt so right. Mr Scott called out for lights out and it was time for
bed. I turned everything off and got into bed. I laid awake too excited or anxious to sleep.
I reflected on the day and realized it wasn’t a good day. It was a GREAT day—
something I hadn’t had in a long time. Chapter 17 3rd worst day of my life. I woke up the
following morning with a bit of pep in my step. I was determined to make today a repeat
of the previous. However I didn’t know nor did the rest of America, that we were all
about to have a horrible day. I made my way to school and moved with ease through the
first class. It was math and although I didn’t like it I was determined to learn. I had
recently discovered that if you are determined to learn that no one could stop you. On the
flip side if you don’t want to learn no one can make you. The bell rang and I made my
way to history class. As I walked into class mrs Burton was behind her desk crying.
Unsure of what was actually going on or why she was crying I and my fellow classmates
all exchanged glances and found our way to our seats. Mrs Burton continued to sit there
and cry. I wasn’t sure if this was part of her goofiness to teach use a lesson of if
something was wrong. She just cried and us students just sat there. After enough time had
passed, a fellow student asked her what was wrong. Mrs Burton pointed to the tv in the
back of the room and stated, We’ve been attacked. I turned my attention to the TV in
time to see the 2nd plane fly into the Twin Towers. At first, I was confused as to what
had happened, and then Mrs. Burton explained that two planes had flown into the Twin
Towers in a terrorist attack. She explained that many will die. I prayed for those people
and their families. I struggled to imagine what they were going through. I understood it;
though I had not actually lost my father to death, I was being prevented from seeing him,
so I understood how they felt. The rest of the day I moved around in a fog. I struggled to
understand why someone would commit such a heinous event. Why would they fly a
plane into a building and kill so many people? I struggled to understand the emotion that
you felt in the reasoning behind their behavior. It was then that I realized that there were
probably many people who struggled to understand my emotions and the reasoning
behind my own behavior. Though I had not done anything this extreme, there have been
many things that I have done that many would struggle to understand or even
comprehend why I behaved in such a way. I arrived back in Wagner later that afternoon,
my head full of thoughts, wondering what would come next in light of recent events. I
prayed that everyone in my family was OK. Once I arrived back in my room I didn't see
Billy anywhere and was curious as to where he might be. I hope that he was OK and that
nothing happened that might have caused harm to him. I reassured myself that he was OK
because his stuff was still in my room. I was sure that if anything it happened they
would've definitely cleaned his room out. MR, Scott called us out to our rooms. The
dorm was quiet as everyone reflected on the day’s events. MR. Scott spoke to us and
explained what happened. He informed us that this was an event that we would never
forget. He compared it to Pearl Harbor. In total 2,996 people had died. I asked, Why
would someone do this? Mr Scott spoke matter of factly, Well, when you boil it, do to its
simplest form. Someone got mad, and in their anger they made a really bad mistake.
Similar to when you get mad and hit someone. They got mad and killed a bunch of
people. I sat their comparing myself to that terriost. I was really no different than them. I
made a vow then and there thought that I would not become them. Looking back, It made
me relize that anger I not an emotion you mess with. Chapter 18 I love You**Goodbye
Time passed on and I became more and more the young man I was expected to be. I spent
alot of time on the highest level which meant I could walk places on campus without
staff. I could play outside on the basketball court. Billy and I were becoming closer and
closer. We had decided we were boyfriends. We kept it secret so no one else knew, as if
they needed to be told. Looking back, it had to be obvious. A few times when noone was
around we would kiss each other. We were not shy when we changed in front of each
other if it was just pants or a shirt. However, I was afraid to be naked in front of him.
Sometimes, in our rooms, we would lie in bed together. Not in a sexual way, but just
lying there and holding each other. It felt like the world moved slower. It Felt nice to lie
there and just feel the love from someone else. As we lay together one night, I couldn't
help but tell Billy how I really felt. Billy, I stated. Yea, he asked. Can I tell you
something? I asked Yea, What’s up? He replied. I love you, I said. I love you too he
replied. I moved in and kissed him. He kissed back. We broke our kiss as we were called
out of our rooms. I didnt wanna leave Billys arms. I felt like a differet person arond billy.
I was calm. I felt loved. It was like billy was meant for me. Not only that but it felt nice to
be held by someone. As we all entered the day room, and sat down I noticed that a cake
was on the table. A cake meant 1 or 2 things. Either someone was being discharged or it
was someones birthday. Scott spoke up as we all sat down. Today we say goodbye to a
young man that has been with us for awile. Somone who is a great young man and who I
wish and hope the best for. Billy, could you come up here he asked. I looked at billy
confused. He looked back confused. As Billy stepped up to the front of the room Scott
announced that billy’s hard work And dedication to his treatment had paid off. He further
explained that while Billy had worked hard on himself, his father had sought out
treatment for his alcohol abuse and anger issues so that he could be the father billy
needed. WOW I thought, Wish my father had that courage. But no, my dad gave up on
me. I was happy for billy, but my happiness was hidden by my anger and shame I felt for
my father. In addition, to that I was quickly realizing that The one true person that I loved
and that understood me was leaving and that I was going to be all alone again. We all
shared our encouragement and support for Billy and his father and their future. Billy face
showed his excitement along with uncertainty for his future. Did his dad really change?
Would his dad be able to stop drinking and care for billy the way he needed to? After the
goodbye group, billy and I Returned to our room and I help him pack his stuff. We were
so caught up in our own feelings that we didn’t say much and mostly worked in silence. I
was to afraid to say goodbye. I was thinking that if I didn’t say it it wasn’t real. The final
moment came, when Billy’s dad arrived to pick him up. I knew we couldn’t hug and kiss.
Scott called for Billy and Billy turned to go. Wait I said He turned back. I walked over
and kissed him. I love you, goodbye, I said. Love you too, he smiled. Goodbye. My eyes
filled with tears as Billy turned and walked away. I had finally found someone who loved
me, someone I could love back. Now that love was gone. Life sucks I thought. Chapter
19 1 on 1 After Billy left I began I doubled down on my treatment. I focused on my
counseling , both individual and group. I attended school and really made an attempt at
trying to learn. Of course I still had my bad days and I was still struggling with my anger.
I had struggled with self harm as well. When I got angry or frustrated and couldn’t do
certain tasks I would bite my arm or a finger. Although I had done this numerous times
before I began doing so more and more often. My self harm received the attention of the
staff and more importantly Chris, My therapist. It became a major concern one night
when I was struggling with my math homework. I struggled to do the algebra at hand and
refused to ask for help from my peers or staff. My pride wouldn’t allow me. I didn’t want
to be seen as retarded or stupid. I finally broke and bit my arm so bad that it bled. Of
course the staff noticed right away and had to restrain me so I wouldn’t continue to bite
myself. After I calmed down they got me some medical attention and treated the wound.
The staff we’re concerned as this was a new level for me. Chris and I met the next day
and I knew he was going to ask about my recent episode. So, I heard about yesterday, I
have to say I’m a bit concerned, he stated. Yea, I replied , not really wanting to discuss it.
Why did you decide to bite yourself? He asked. I was mad, I replied. Well you been mad
before, this isn’t you, you have never harmed yourself like this before. Never. He stated
matter of factly. So I replied defensively. So, why is this time different? He asked.
You’ve been really good at talking to me the last few months, don’t shut me out. What’s
bothering you? he asked. I mean what’s the use, I replied. I’ve been here over a year and
it’s obvious I’m never getting out. My own dad gave up. My stepmom hasn’t spoke to me
in at least 2 years. God knows where my sister Is. What’s the point? Why even continue
to care. Why should I even be alive? Are you suicidal? he asked. I’m not looking for
death, but if it came along, I’d be happy to see it. I replied. I see he replied. I left that
session feeling like I was wrong and my feelings were under scrutiny. I didn’t WANT to
die, however, I didn’t feel like I had a reason to live either. I felt empty, like what was my
purpose? Later that night I was feeling rather sad and depressed, I had been thinking
about my dad and how he had gave up. Then the thought of Billy hit me and I missed him
a lot. I felt unworthy of love. Of course the radio playing didn’t help as a song by clay
Davidson came on “ unconditional” “ But you can't stop my love for you It'll be here
that's a given As long as I am living on this earth One thing is true You will turn away,
forget me Curse my name but love won't let me let you go Son always know, my love is
unconditional“ The last words, “ Son, always know my love is unconditional, “ rang in
my ears as I cried myself to sleep. Guess my fathers love was not unconditional. I was
angry at my father, mostly I was hurt. The next morning I woke up and felt the previous
nights feeling times ten. I knew right away today was going to be a bad day. I didn’t want
to have a bad day, it I just knew it was going to be a long bad day. I got dressed and
completed my morning hygiene routine without issue. I played music on the radio trying
to get in a better mood. I put my shoes on and made my way to the bus stop. I somehow
stumbled my way through the school day and made my way back to campus. As I entered
into the cottage I was met with the usual staff and routine. I went to my room and turned
on the radio. I laid on my bed and listened to the music. I laid there and nearly fell asleep,
I was jolted awake by a staff Mr. Rogers barging in my room and yelling at me to turn
my radio down. Feeling defensive, I replied damn you could ask nicely, you don’t have to
come in here yelling. I hollered from out in the kitchen and you didn’t turn it down, you
didn’t hear me. He yelled back. Well the whole sate can hear you now , I yelled back. I
started to get up to turn the radio down but he reached over and snatched it off the table
yanking the cord out of the wall. Hey, that’s mine I yelled. You wanna play it loud and be
defiant, I’m confiscating it he said sternly. That’s bullshit, that’s my radio, I yelled. Oh,
and you on restriction, for being rude to staff and cursing. I ran over a tried to get my
radio back, but he walked away. I ran up behind him and pushed him, he turned around
and grabbed me dropping my radio. He walked me to the time out room, that’s my radio I
yelled, as I watched it hit the ground and break. You broke my radio. I kicked him and he
restrained me. I kept kicking and hitting and he secured me tighter. You Broke my radio I
yelled. You made me drop it by pushing me. He replied. I kept hitting him and cursing. It
was no use. He let me go and told me to stay in the timeout room. I got mad and hit the
wall. I was so mad that I allowed this horrible staff member to control my feelings.
Nobody liked him. Well as far as us kid were concerned. I got so mad I decided to bite
myself again. This time I didn’t draw blood. The timing couldn’t be worse, just as I was
biting myself and other staff mrs. Mellissa entered the timeout room. Seeing me in the
middle of self harming behavior she grabbed ahold of me and restrained me, calling for
another staff. Mr. Rogers entered the room and they both held me on the floor. I cried and
cursed, more mad at myself then them. After about 15 minutes I was released, after I was
asked several times if I was gonna hurt myself again. Mrs. Melissa left the room, and Mr
rogers stayed and watched me. He could watch me all he wanted but I didn’t have to
speak to him. In sat in the corner with my head in my lap. I wasn’t going to speak to him,
I don’t have too. He was such a jerk. After about an hour I heard Mr. Scott enter the
dorm, he took over watching me and Mr. Rogers left. Back at it again? he asked. Mr
rogers started it in replied calmly. He did? He asked. Yes, he took my radio for no reason.
No reason? He asked. He asked you to turn it down and you got an attitude with him and
cursed him, did you not? He asked. Yea, but he came running into my room and started
yelling, he didn’t have to yell at me. He’s an asshole I said. Then you ran up and pushed
him, and kicked him. That’s your action, not his. Then you decided to self harm and bite
yourself. Didn’t we talk about that last week? He asked . Frankly with your history of this
behavior coupled with being suicidal, im talking to Mr. Chris about putting you on 1;1
and suicide watch. He stated. I’m not suicidal. I replied That’s not what you told Mr.
Chris. You told him you wanted to die. He stated. No I told him if death came along, I
wouldn’t run from it. But I’m not seeking it either. I yelled I’m not yelling, so please
don’t yell at me. I’m just here to help you. He said. I defiantly crossed my arms and
shrugged. Mr. Chris walked into the timeout room and asked how I was. Just marvelous,
I retorted. I see he replied. Why are you self-harming again? He asked I was mad, I
replied. So what does biting do, he asked. I shrugged. I don’t know I replied. Well, I’m
concerned, I feel like your history of self-harm is very concerning, and lately, it’s been
very frequent And severe. Are you suicidal? He asked. No, I replied. Ok. Well, I think,
for now, you're going to be on 1:1 supervision with 5-minute bed checks. It’s not a
punishment, but I feel like we need to watch you and make sure that you’re not hurting
yourself. He stated. Whatever I replied. My weekend was ruined, and I would most likely
be removed from public school. All because I bit myself. I was mad at the staff member,
Mr Rogers, a lot. Mostly, I was angry at myself for allowing him to get to me. Now, I
was on 1:1. 1:1 is where there is 1 staff assigned to you at all times. They stay within 5
feet of you. You have to sleep with your door open, and they check on you every 5
minutes of the night rather than every 15 minutes. The worst part is you have to go to the
bathroom with the door open and shower with the door open. Furthermore, you can’t
leave campus for any reason other than medical, and you can’t go outside. They also take
everything out of your room except a fitted sheet, flat sheet, 1 pillow, 1 pillowcase, and 1
blanket. Being on restriction prevented me from going on an outing, made my bedtime 8
p.m., and restricted me to doing anything recreational except read, write, color, and draw.
I couldn’t play cards, board games, or watch TV. One thing resection did was allow me
time to consider my actions and their consequences. I reflected on my past a lot that
weekend. I tried to maintain my good memories, but the bad ones seemed to overtake the
good ones. Since I was allowed to write and I had nothing better to do. I decided to write
a letter to my stepmother. I decided to be brutally honest. I wasn't sure how to send it to
her or share it with anyone. It could be just for me. I decided to write down all the
reasons I felt like she had wronged me. I wanted her to know how I felt about her actions
and how they affected me. I reflected and thought back on her actions. I remembered the
time she made me and my siblings squat in the corner. It was a sick and twisted
punishment that made our legs hurt. It wasn't for a day, either. It was for a week. Then
that got old, and she moved on to making us squat with pots and pans in our hands. Once
the squatting was worn out, it was onto other forms of punishment. For example., when
she made my sister sleep under the kitchen table for wetting the bed. The time she made
me stand on legos for a week because I left one out. If she wasnt hitting us it was these
punishments that she placed upon us. At times we never knew what we did wrong.
Sometimes, we were sure we did nothing wrong., yet she puunished us anyway. She
loved to move furninture and rearrange. Shed make us move furniture one place and then
movce it back, or she ask us to go to another room and get piece of decoration or a table
or something and then tell us that wasnt the one she wanted so we had to go get another
piece. We never knew what Kida mood she was going to be in. Either she was haoppy
and would ask us when we got home from school what homework we had, we were
unsure what to say. If we had any or not. If we told her we had homework, she would say
OH, I was going to take yall for ice cream. If we told her we didnt have homework she
make us rearrange or she would make us some homework. School was always a relief
from her, but the other kids would make fun of us. Mostly because we showed up in
clothes that screamed welfare kid or because we lacked the social skills to make friends.
WE were never allowed to go over to a kids house. WE never asked a kid to come ot ours
afarid of what they would see if they did. I sat and wrote alot of my thought down and
before I relized I had wrote a nearly 5 page letter. I felt better after I wrote the letter. I
folded it up and put it away. I wasnt sure if I would share it with anyone. I wasnt sure I
would send it to her. It wouldnt matter anyway. I spent the rest of the weekend reflecting
on my time as a resident at Brooklawn. I spoke to mr. Scott and Mr. Will about things I
questioned and how I felt about certain things. I even got to talk to Mr. Berry about Star
Wars. He told me all about hte Jedi and how the were keepers of the pece. He told me of
the Sith and how anikin was manipulated to the dark side. He shared the whole story and
we talked about all things star wars. He promised the following weekend, If iwas good
we could watch the movies. By Sunday night I had made a big change in my behavior. I
had become calm and learned to listen and have conversations that were meaningful. My
mindset was different and I had a new way of viewing things. I was differnt in may ways
mentally. The staff had noticed this and mr will called me to his office Sunday night
before bedtime. This weekend I have noticed a significant change in your demeanor and
mentality. He told me. You ve had some great conversations, and I believe you have
learned a few things. How are you feeling, he asked. Im ok, nervous and apprehensive I
repled. Please elaborate, he stated. Well, I feel like I learned alot this weekend. I wrote a
letter to my step momther and I put in there how I felt about her. However, tomorow Im
supposed to go to school, but being on 1:1 means I cant. Im wondering if I will lose my
public school pass. Your safety is our most important concern for you he spooke. It relly
bother me when you self harm, and I know its because your so angry that you cant
communcate your feelings. However, I feel like you have made enough strides this
weekend that we can remove you from the 1:!. That is of course if you can refrain from
self harming in the future. He stated. I nodded yes. Relieved that I was able to go to
public school in the morning. We talked more and created a safety plan. After that, I took
my meds and went to bed. Tomorow was a new day. It was also a new oppurtiunity to do
work on my treatment and get better so I could move on to foster care. Chapter 20
Visiting My sister I went back to public school and fell into a routine of school and
learning about Star Wars. If I wasnt learning about star wars I was playing chess. Chess
had become my new game to play. I like how it made you think. I also liked the calmness
of it. I got pretty good with the queen and knights. I played alot, Many times I lost, but it
ddint stop me from playing. I kept playing and would ask questions from the others I
played so I understood more about the game. Star also became a regular thing for me. I
wanted to be like the Jedi. Calm and wise. However fierce and strong. Yoda was my
favorite. I also liked qui gon. The one thing I admired most about star war was the
respect, each Jedi spoke with respect with phrases like “ yes master” or “ May the force
be with you”. I got all the way to level 4 and was pretty free on campus and allowed to
walk on campus by myself and do errands for the staff. I was also able to have my radio
in my room all the time. I pretty much had a choice of outings to go on. I missed my dad
a great deal and still had some animosity towards my stepmom on the parental rights
thing. However, I remained focused on getting a foster care home and getting out of
placements. I had grown to talk to Chris about a lot of things and discovered we each
liked to read. So once a week, he would take me to the library, and we would discuss the
book I was reading. Chris had become my confidant, he was the person I knew I could
talk to about things that were bothering me and he would help the best he could. I had my
doubts one day when I brought up my sister Donna. I asked if he knew where she was
and if I could visit her. He told me he was unaware of her current placement, however, he
would research it. Weeks went by, and he had finally tracked down her placement. A
foster care agency in Morehead, Ky. He showed me a map and told me it was 2 hours
away. He further told me he had spoken to the agency and scheduled a visit on a Friday
in 2 weeks. I was so excited, I had to wait 2 weeks though. I also knew I had to be on my
best behavior. It had been maybe 2 months sice I was restraned last, and just as long since
I had been to the timeout room. I was actually doing good. Who would have known?
Finally, 2 weeks had gone by. I skipped school that day, and a state transportation person
was to drive me to Lexington at the Fayette Mall to meet my sister. The ride seemed like
it took forever, the choice of music the driver chose didn't help any as it was oldies. Plus
he wasn't very talkative. When we arrived, we had to wait for My sister and her case
worker. Finally, they showed up, I ran to Donna and hugged her. I was so happy to see
her I cried. Her case worker introduced herself as Jennifer and we all walked into the
food court. The food court had all kinds of food and we all got burgers and fries. We sat
and talked and shared what we were you to. She was my big sister and I was so happy to
see her. Jennifer shared some stories about Donna's adventures, and it seemed like Donna
and Jennifer got along great. I admired their relationship and vowed to have one like it
one day. Donna told me about her dog and friends at school. After we ate, we walked
around the mall. Donna had saved up $15 to spend on me. We walked around, and she
bought me a Lego set. I felt guilty because I didn't have any money to spend on her. She
said she was just glad to see me. I was glad to see her. Like always time flew by and we
had to say goodbye. I gave her a tight hug and told her I loved her. I waited until after we
left to cry. I didn't wanna let her see me cry. I thanked Jennifer for lunch and bringing
donna and told her it was nice meeting her. When I arrived on campus I told Chris all
about my visit. He told me he was gald that I had got to see donna and hoped I could see
her again in the future. I didnt know it but he had already submitted the paperwork for me
to discharge into that foster care facility. A few weeks later, he received approval for my
being discharged into there agency when they found me a foster home and I completed
my treatment. One day, while Chris and I were having a session, he shared with me that
my improvement allowed me to move into the transitional housing unit. This unit was the
holy grail of all units. On this unit, you could have a TV in your room and walk to the
library or store without staff. You also got to learn how to cook and eat “ real food”. If
you had the money you could order pizza or buy food to cook at the unit. All the other
residents were pretty cool and everyone seemed to get along. Furthermore the staff were
pretty laid back. I asked Chris when I would be moving to the new unit and he informed
me that I could move in a few weeks. While he discussed some other things my mind
began to wonder. I knew most kids only went to transitional housing when they were
close to going home or to foster care. I decided I had to ask, Chris and I had developed a
relationship that allowed me to be comfortable enough to ask him about things that were
on my mind. Before I arrived at Brooklawn I hadn't trusted anyone in that close. Chris, I
started, Does me moving mean Im going to foster care? Did you find me a home? I
asked. Chris looked up from the paper he was reading and furrowed his eyebrow. Why do
you ask? He asked. Concerned. Well most kids only go to transitnal houseing when they
are about to go home. Its only like a 30 day program, Right? I asked. No, its a 60 day
Program he cporrected. However, I must inform you that while I dont have all the details
and Im still waiting for paperwork to come back—- Yea yea, to hell with the boring stuff
I interuppted, did you find me a home I asked excioted. Mr. GAthof, your language, he
scolded, Let me finish. While there are things that still need to be discussed and
paperwork to be submitted and filled out, I have talked to a foster care agency and they
have approved your placement with them. I jumped out of my seat out of excitement.
However, he said loudly. WE still have a long way to go before things are finalized so,
dont count your chickins before they hatch. But things are looking good. Yay, I repled. I
suddenly had a realization: a new home meant new people to meet. Maybe I will have a
cool foster brother, or parents. Maybe they will be rich. My mind wondered about what
they might be like. Maybe the dad is a truck driver and I can go with him. Chris and I
ended our session, and he encouraged me to keep up the good work. I left his office and
headed to wagner cottage to pack my stuff for transitional housing. When I stepped into
Wagner cottage, I felt like a king. I had worked hard to get to this level. It had not been
an easy road and I never thought I would get to this point. I still had a long way to go,
But I was getting there.