From Hurting To Healing: A Black Man’s Guide To Feeling
PREFACE + DISCLAIMER
This book is a compilation of the most important lessons I’ve
learned from therapy and my battle with depression, suicidal
ideations, and anxiety as a Black man. I’ve spent an enormous
amount of time trying to make sure that I included everything I
could think of that would be helpful in relation to the topics
discussed in each chapter.
Please, take your time with this book. There is a lot of information
and it can be overwhelming to try to heal everything at once. My
advice would be to focus on one thing at a time or one chapter at a
time. You could read the book in segments and work on one
chapter until you feel comfortable enough to move to the next one.
Whatever you do, don’t rush the process or your healing journey.
Everyone’s timeline is different. Take your time. Feel your
emotions. Go through your process.
Also, I’d be misleading you if I didn’t make it clear that a huge part
of my healing journey included my faith in God. Ultimately, my
belief in Him pulled me through some of my darkest moments. If
it weren’t for God, I wouldn’t have started therapy and if it weren’t
for therapy I wouldn’t have healed - if it weren’t for either, I
wouldn’t be writing this book. God and therapy go hand-in-hand.
I’m not saying you have to believe in a higher power, but I am
saying if you do, lean on your faith as you heal.
Each chapter of this book is separated by two sections, My Story
and How To Heal.
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The My Story section of the chapter is meant to take you through
my experience dealing with the chapter's subject. For example, in
the My Story section of the Depression and Suicidal Ideations
chapter I detail my battle with situational depression in 2017. I
explain how I felt, why I felt the way I did and list some signs for
identifying depression. My hope is that you’ll read the My Story
section of each chapter and be able to draw from my experience to
relate to yourself and/or others in our community.
The How To Heal section of the chapter is meant to take you
through my process for healing in relation to the chapter’s subject.
For example, in the How To Heal section of the Depression and
Suicidal Ideations chapter I detail the exact steps I took to go from
being overwhelmed with depression every day to healing. My hope
is that you’ll read the How To Heal section of each chapter and be
able to implement some of the techniques detailed to help yourself
and/or others heal in our community. Please keep in mind the
How To Heal sections are what I did to heal and they may not work
for everybody.
Some of the techniques and practices mentioned in this book may
seem weird or uncomfortable at first, but that’s part of the process,
so stick with it. For example, affirmations were very uncomfortable
for me when I first started, but over time they increased my
self-esteem and taught me how to love myself.
Disclaimer: The contents of the book, “From Hurting To Healing: A
Black Man’s Guide To Feeling,” such as text, graphics, images, and
other material contained in the, “From Hurting To Healing: A
Black Man’s Guide To Feeling,” book ("content") are for
informational and/or entertainment purposes only. The content is
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not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis,
or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health
professional or other qualified health provider with any questions
you may have regarding your condition. Never disregard
professional advice or delay in seeking it because of something you
have read in the, “From Hurting To Healing: A Black Man’s Guide
To Feeling,” book.
If you are in crisis or you think you may have an emergency, call
911 immediately. If you're having suicidal thoughts, call
1-800-273-TALK (8255) to talk to a skilled, trained counselor at a
crisis center in your area at any time (National Suicide Prevention
Lifeline). If you are located outside the United States, call your
local emergency line immediately. Express Yourself Black Man is
not a direct service organization.
Express Yourself Black Man does not recommend or endorse any
clinicians, counselors, psychiatrists, social workers, physicians,
content creators, products, procedures, opinions, or other
information that may be mentioned in the book, “From Hurting To
Healing: A Black Man’s Guide To Feeling.” Reliance on any
information from the book, “From Hurting To Healing: A Black
Man’s Guide To Feeling,” solely at your own risk. The book and the
content are provided on an "as is" basis.
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From Hurting To Healing: A Black Man’s Guide To Feeling
WHO AM I?
I am a Mental Health Advocate and the founder of Express
Yourself Black Man (XYBM), which is a platform dedicated to
creating a space for Black people to express themselves healthily
with the hopes of creating a community of healing. Before XYBM, I
founded A Kizzle Brand (AKB) in 2017, which is a project aimed at
raising awareness for depression and helping people through
difficult times. I have extensive experience in learning how to heal
and cope with breakups, depression, suicidal ideations, and
anxiety. I’ve also spent a significant amount of time in therapy,
while simultaneously researching mental health and wellness
practices for the Black community, specifically the Black man.
I’ve been featured on BNC News for my work as the founder of
Express Yourself Black Man and have dedicated my life to
destigmatizing and demystifying therapy and mental health in the
Black community. From Hurting To Healing: A Black Man's Guide
To Feeling is my first ebook of many to come geared towards
creating a more whole Black community with a strong emphasis
on mental health and wellness practices.
In the future, I’ll be releasing two more books; one of the books
will be focused on dating and relationships where I’ll dive deeper
into healing post-break up, how to date, how to cultivate a healthy
relationship and more. The other book will be focused on therapy
where I’ll explain how to find a therapist, what to look for in a
therapist, how to heal without therapy and more.
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My Story
I was 14 heading into my 15th birthday when I got into my first real
relationship. I was a sophomore in high school and I decided to try
out for my school’s Junior Varsity (JV) basketball team. Like every
Black kid my age I knew I was going to the NBA, so this was just a
stepping stone in my soon-to-be illustrious career. The list of the
players who made the team got placed in the hallway leading to
the gym a couple of weeks after the tryouts. After class, I ran to see
if my name was on it and it was! I made the team, I couldn’t
believe it, but I also could because I was going to the NBA.
A few weeks passed and one of my friends stopped me in the gym
to say, “Hey, you know Nai likes you, right?” I responded, “Really?”
I was shocked because Nai was a dime. 10/10. She had a beautiful
smile and the kind of energy that really attracted people. My friend
replied, “Yeah she likes you, you should pull up on her.” For those
of you that don’t know, “pull up on her,” is NY slang for approach
her, talk to her, or shoot your shot. I honestly felt like I was in a
dream. I made the basketball team AND Nai liked me. I hit her up
on Facebook and the rest was history.
When we weren’t in class we spent almost all our time together.
She met my family and friends and I met hers as well. Everyone
that knew us thought we would be together forever and that’s
what I thought too. My friends would often ask, “Who do you think
is going to get married first,” and within seconds everyone would
laugh and look at me. At 18, I told mom that I wanted to marry Nai
and I meant it. My parents thought I was crazy, but I knew what I
felt.
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We graduated high school together and she got accepted into
Delaware State University (DSU), so I followed her there. Nai was
the girl of my dreams, so that decision was a no-brainer for me.
However, college exposed a lot about our weaknesses as
individuals and the weaknesses in our relationship. There was no
doubt that Nai and I loved each other, but we both struggled with
insecurity and our insecurity was driving a wedge between us.
I was extremely controlling as a result of my insecurity. I later
learned that this insecurity is a byproduct of my unhealthy
attachment style, which I’ll cover in chapter 4. I believed that Nai
was out of my league, so I always felt that she could find someone
better than me. This thought process drove my controlling
behavior. I didn’t want her to go to parties and if she did I wanted
her to show me her outfit, so I could approve it beforehand. I
didn’t want her hanging around certain girls because I thought
they were bad influences. I didn’t want her posting certain
pictures/videos on social media because I thought they would
attract unwanted attention. I was more of a controlling
father-figure than a boyfriend and it was weighing on Nai.
Eventually, we clashed when I gave her instructions on what she
“needed” to do before, during, and after a party. My insecurity was
at its peak and I wanted her to send me a picture of her outfit
before the party, call me when she got to the party, and then call
me after she got home. Of course, this is ridiculous to ask of
someone you’re in a relationship with that you’re supposed to
trust, but I simply didn’t trust her. She had lied before about being
at a party (understandably so, with all the pressure I was putting
on her about parties) so I increased my controlling behavior. I
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honestly didn’t realize how controlling I was being and it was
driven by my insecurity.
Shortly after, we broke up. We were in a relationship for about 5
years, from the time I was 14 to 19. Nai was part of almost every
teenage memory I could remember, so being single was new
territory for me and it was scary. In the next chapter I’ll cover the
situational depression that stemmed from this break-up, but in
this chapter I want to focus on healing post break-up.
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How To Heal
Take time to grieve: The first step I took post-relationship was to
grieve. As men, especially Black men, we try to skip the grieving
process because we’re directly and indirectly taught that showing
emotions outside of anger and joy can make us weak. My response
to that is that your emotions make you human. When you
suppress your emotions you dehumanize yourself and potentially
shorten your lifespan (Google “can suppressing my emotions
shorten my lifespan” if you don’t believe me).
You are allowed the time and space you need to grieve your
relationship. This isn’t only for romantic relationships either, you
are allowed to grieve friendships and any other relationship that
has ended in your life. If it hurts you, you are allowed to feel.
Grieving looks different for everyone, but my grieving process
involved a lot of crying. Cry when you need to and don't be
ashamed of it. Crying is a release and it's necessary when you're
experiencing the strong emotions that can come from difficult
break-ups. Crying was huge for me and I explain the benefits of
crying in the next chapter.
Vent/express yourself: As I grieved, I also expressed and that’s the
next step. You must vent or express yourself when you feel the
need to. Do not internalize what you're going through. Sometimes
all you really need is to vent about what's bothering you to feel
better. Take a moment to embrace your feelings and then express
yourself healthily to a close friend or loved one that you feel
comfortable with.
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However, before you vent to someone, ask them, “Can I vent to you
right now or is now not a good time?” Give them the opportunity
to accept or deny your request to vent because it's inconsiderate of
us to always reach out to friends/family we can count on without
asking them if they’re in a space where they’re able to take on our
expression. You should be considerate of how your expression may
affect the people you’re expressing to, especially if they’re trying to
help you.
Black man, here’s how you express yourself healthily:
Take a moment: Before you can express yourself healthily you
need to take a moment to gather yourself. Take deep breaths to
lower your heart rate if you are anxious and make sure to let any
other parties involved know you need a moment to yourself. 10-30
minutes normally works well for me.
Understand what you’re feeling: Then, try to understand what
you’re feeling. Ask yourself, "What emotions am I feeling right
now? Why? Does my emotional response match the action that
caused it?" Writing down my thoughts normally helps me to
process what I'm feeling, so try it. I write down my
thoughts/feelings in a note taking app, but a physical journal
works well too.
Identify how you want to express yourself: Now you need to
identify how you want to express yourself. This part is completely
up to you. Do you want to vent to a friend? Do you want to talk to
your therapist about it?
If you don’t have a therapist or a friend you feel comfortable
talking to, try video journaling about what happened (basically a
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video talking to yourself). You can make this an exercise you do
daily and save the videos in an album to look back at later to see
how much progress you’ve made.
Express and reassess: After you express yourself, reassess. Do a
self-check to see how you feel (I normally feel like I got a weight
off my shoulders). Also, observe how people respond to your
expression.
If someone you expressed yourself to tries to invalidate your
feelings or is dismissive, take note, inform them of what they're
doing (they may not know) and respond appropriately. You may
decide not to confide in them anymore or it may be a learning
moment for both of you. Whatever you do, don’t shut down as a
result of someone invalidating your expression. Their invalidation
does not mean you should stop expressing yourself, it just means
they were unable to empathize with you at that moment.
Congratulate yourself: Lastly, congratulate yourself. Expressing
yourself healthily never stops and for us Black men, it's extremely
difficult so if you've done it recently or are planning to do it,
congratulate yourself.
And if you won't congratulate yourself, I will. I'm proud of you,
King!
There are studies that show on average men lose 2.8 years of their
life when they're under heavy stress. That's the main reason why I
made the platform, Express Yourself Black Man. Your life literally
depends on it. I know it's hard, but it gets easier over time.
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Here’s a recap of how to express yourself healthily:
- Take a moment
- Understand what you’re feeling
- Identify how you want to express yourself
- Express and reassess
- Congratulate yourself
Now, let’s get back to healing post-relationship.
Journal: I mentioned journaling as an option for expressing
yourself healthily, but journaling was much more than an option
during my healing process post-relationship. I journaled almost
every day in different ways. Some days consisted of me journaling
via voice notes and others consisted of me journaling via blog
posts. My method of journaling varied based on how I felt, but one
thing that remained constant was my need to journal as a way to
express what I was feeling.
Black man, here are 6 reasons why you should journal:
Goal setting: We all could use some help with setting our goals
and tracking our progress on them, why not use a journal?
You could use your journal to track the progress you set on your
goals by making journal entries on what you accomplished that
day/week.
Practice mindfulness: Journaling helps you to practice mindfulness
by raising your awareness of what's happening in the current
moment. I cover mindfulness in-depth in chapter 3.
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You can journal without having to worry about the past or the
future. Journaling gives you the freedom to focus on the current
moment.
Increase awareness: Journaling allows you time to have
introspection, which is extremely important for becoming a better
version of yourself.
Regardless of whether you're journaling or not, make sure you're
taking time to introspect and assess who you are and who you
want to be.
Express yourself healthily: Sometimes we don't know what to say
or are uncomfortable expressing it to other people because we fear
we'll be judged.
Journaling helps you to express yourself healthily and release any
stress/worry you're dealing with without the fear of being judged.
Build healthy habits: Journaling as a daily habit helps you to build
positive habits while increasing your discipline and giving you a
stress relief tool.
That's a win-win-win. Building positive habits, increasing
discipline and a stress relief tool?! Sheesh.
Emotional healing: A joint study conducted by the University of
Auckland and the University of Nottingham found that expressive
writing can help wounds heal faster. It can also ease the symptoms
of asthma, rheumatoid arthritis and irritable bowel syndrome.
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Moreover, journaling is beneficial for people with eating disorders
to help them keep track of their diet and emotions as well as
patterns and triggers that should be avoided.
Here’s a recap of the reasons why you should journal:
- Goal setting
- Practice mindfulness
- Increase awareness
- Express yourself healthily
- Build healthy habits
- Emotional healing
Now, let’s get back to healing post-relationship.
Do some self-reflection: My healing process also involved a lot of
self-reflection. It's important you identify the areas where you can
improve post-relationship by assessing what went wrong and what
you could've done better. There's always something you can work
on regardless of how great of a partner you thought you were.
Here are some great questions to help with your self-reflection
process:
- What role did I play in the relationship ending?
- What could I have done differently?
- What have I learned?
- What worked? What didn't? Why?
- Did I ignore red flags? If so, why?
- Am I repeating previous mistakes? If so, why?
- Who do I want to be moving forward?
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You can try answering these questions as part of a journal exercise
or with your therapist if you have one. Also, please try to answer
each of these questions honestly because lying to yourself will only
hurt you more long-term.
Love and date yourself: Lastly, before you hop back into dating
other people, love and date yourself first! You are not an
afterthought in your own story, you deserve the same love you give
to other people. Figure out who you are and love that person!
Engaging in self-care is a great way to love yourself, especially after
a relationship. In my next ebook about dating and relationships,
I’ll cover dating yourself in-depth and what that looked like for me.
Black man, here are 10 things you can do to practice self-care:
1) Get a manicure/pedicure - Manicures and pedicures are not just
for women. There's NOTHING wrong with a man getting his
hands/feet taken care of. I don't do it often, but I always enjoy it
when I do.
2) Get a massage - Try getting a massage bi-monthly OR you can
get a foam roller and use it to perform a self massage.
3) Deep breathing meditation - Place one hand on your belly and
one on your chest. Inhale through your nose for two seconds,
feeling the air move into your abdomen and feeling your stomach
move out. Your stomach should move more than your chest does.
Breathe out for two seconds through pursed lips while pressing on
your abdomen. Repeat.
4) Take a nap - Studies have shown a short nap of 20-30 minutes
can improve mood, sharpen focus, and reduce fatigue. Naps
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SHOULD NOT replace the recommended 7-8 hours of sleep you
should get each night.
5) Read a book - Research shows that regular reading reduces
stress, lowers blood pressure and helps to combat depression
symptoms. Try reading one book per month. You’re reading this
book, so you’re already doing great!
6) Buy flowers - Having flowers around your living space can
improve your mood and reduce the likelihood of stress-related
depression. They can help you feel more relaxed.
7) Hot yoga - Hot yoga can help you relax and improve your mood.
It also improves circulation, bringing oxygen and nutrient-rich
blood to skin cells which may help to nourish your skin from the
inside.
8) Nature walks - Go to your local park or favorite trail and just
walk. Put your phone away and enjoy the nature around you.
9) Light a scented candle - Certain scents have specific effects on
your mood: lavender calms you down and lemon (or other citrus
scents) energizes you. Next time you're at the store, grab some
scented candles.
10) Take a bath - Baths have a proven relaxation effect on the body
and can also aid in joint and muscle recovery (especially if you add
epsom salts). You can also add some essential oils or light a candle
in your bathroom to double down on the self-care.
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Kings, let's do a better job of taking care of ourselves. If you can,
you should set a day devoted to resting/self-care. The weekends
are normally a good starting point.
Try incorporating some of the suggestions from this guide in your
life to see what you like/dislike. Self-care is about what works for
you. Don't be afraid to get out of your "comfort zone."
I covered a lot, so here's a recap of how to heal post-relationship:
- Grieve
- Vent/express yourself healthily
- Journal
- Do some self-reflection
- Love and date yourself
Healing after a break-up looks different for everyone. This guide is
what worked for me, but it may not work for you and that's okay!
You can start by incorporating some of the things mentioned in
this guide and then make changes based on what you feel works
best. Don’t be afraid to experiment with different techniques and
practices. Find what works for you and stick to it.
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My Story
I was 19 years old when I realized that I didn't want to be alive
anymore. I didn't have the courage to kill myself, but I knew that I
didn't want to be alive. I was post-breakup with my first love, after
about 5 years of being in a relationship from the ages of 14-19. This
was the worst phase of my life and I was struggling mightily
adjusting to my "new" reality.
I now know I was experiencing situational depression also known
as reactive depression as a result of my failed relationship. What I
didn't know at the time was how common situational depression
and suicidal ideations are. I felt like I was alone. I truly believed no
one understood me and that I was doomed to be miserable for the
rest of my life, which is part of the reason why I didn't want to be
alive anymore.
Every day I was waking up and faking it for society. I'd go to school
and act like everything was okay, but when I got home I was
crippled with sadness - this is called functional depression. A lot of
us Black men are functionally depressed and don't even know it.
People who have functional depression are still able to function
socially, but struggle with their depression when no one is around.
That was me - I was struggling in silence.
The vast majority of Black men have subscribed to the mindset
that our needs don’t matter and we should just “shut up and put
up,” with whatever society throws at us because that’s what it
means to be a “man.” However, that thought process is detrimental
to our mental health. We all have wants and needs that deserve to
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be taken into consideration. It doesn’t make you weak or “pussy,”
to want to be heard. It doesn’t make you weak to have feelings.
I spent most of my days trying to avoid being alone because I knew
once I was alone I wouldn't be able to stop myself from thinking
about past traumatic events, which only led to me feeling worse. I
felt like I had no control over my mind and my mood. It didn't
matter how well the day went, once I got home it could and would
change for the worse instantly.
Back then, I would rate my day at school and my day at home
separately. I would almost always have a better rating for my day
at school than I did for my day at home. At school, I was “free,”
because I could avoid everything I was dealing with by engulfing
myself in work, conversation or entertainment. At home, I was a
prisoner of my past. I spent hours wishing I could take things back
and do things over. I just couldn't shake how I felt.
If you're reading this and wondering, "Am I depressed," please see
the following symptoms I curated based on what I was
experiencing.
Black man, here are 10 signs you may be depressed:
1) Going to school/work and being happy or pretending to be
happy, then breaking down when you get home or are alone.
2) Having the energy to be there for friends/family, but not being
able to be there for yourself.
3) Engulfing yourself in anything you can, so you can take your
mind off what's bothering you.
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4) Constantly replaying traumatic experiences in your head.
5) Losing interest in being in social settings because you're tired of
having to mask your true feelings.
6) Not wanting to be alone because you don't want to think about
what's bothering you.
7) Shutting out family/friends.
8) Feeling like you're alone and no one understands you.
9) Feeling tired, exhausted or restless even if you got enough sleep.
10) Suicidal ideations - thinking about suicide or wanting to take
your own life.
Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800)273-8255
if you or someone you know has suicidal ideations.
If you have suicidal ideations, I want you to know that I've
personally been there. Life can be hard, but please know your life
matters and you are not alone.
If you read those symptoms and said, "Damn, this is me," don't
worry. In the following pages, I explain how I battled my
situational depression and started to gain control over my life
again. It is possible, don't give up hope!
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How To Heal
One of the biggest lies depression tells us is, "You are alone." It
makes us feel like there's no hope, but you'd be surprised how
many people you know who struggle with depression and suicidal
ideations. I consistently get messages from Black men who are
dealing with depression and suicidal ideations. If you're currently
struggling with either of these things, don't believe the lie, you are
not alone!
It wasn't until I changed my outlook on my circumstance and
started being grateful for what I did have that I stopped feeling
depressed and having suicidal ideations.
Black man, here's how you deal with situational depression and
suicidal ideations:
Please keep in mind this guide was written for people dealing with
situational or functional depression and not clinical depression.
Clinical depression is caused by a combination of biological,
psychological, and social sources of distress. Basically, a person’s
chemical makeup can cause or increase the chance of them being
diagnosed with clinical depression. However, situational or
functional depression is normally caused by a traumatic event like
a breakup, death of a family member, assault, and more.
This guide can definitely help someone dealing with clinical
depression, but it’s best to consult your primary care provider
about solutions if you have been diagnosed with clinical
depression. If you are situationally or functionally depressed, this
guide will help you to stop feeling “stuck,” and start living again.
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Embrace your emotions: You must first embrace your emotions. As
Black men we're taught to only express anger or joy, but there are
an entire range of emotions we feel and internalize to the
detriment of our mental health. Feel your emotions King.
This doesn't make you weak. It takes a certain level of emotional
intelligence and strength to embrace the emotions that come with
stressful events in our life.
As I mentioned in the first chapter, crying was a big part of my
healing process post-relationship. Crying detoxifies the body by
flushing out stress hormones and other toxins. It also activates the
parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), which helps your body
rest and digest. Also, crying for long periods of time releases
endorphins, which help ease both physical and emotional pain.
Crying, specifically sobbing, can improve your mood because when
you sob you take in quick breaths of cool air, which can help
regulate and lower the temperature of your brain, boosting your
mood.
If you're grieving, crying is extremely important for you. Grieving
involves periods of sorrow, numbness, guilt, and anger. Crying is
essential during grieving because it helps you restore your
emotional balance. Crying is your body's way of recovering after
experiencing a strong emotion, which is why people sometimes cry
when they're overwhelmed with joy.
Just in case you don't believe me, here's the microscopic view of
different tears.
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Tears from different emotions or reactions look different under a
telescope because they're made up of different things. For
example, grief tears have a different chemical makeup than onion
tears.
Black man, everything you’ve been taught about crying being a
sign of weakness is wrong. There are so many Black men that
don’t know how to cry or don’t feel comfortable crying in front of
others, wouldn’t you say that that’s the real weakness; not being
able to do something or not being comfortable doing something in
front of other people? How can being able to do something (like
crying) and being comfortable doing it in front of others be a sign
of weakness? When you really start to think about it, these
concepts we’ve been taught don’t make sense.
I know there's a huge stigma surrounding Black men crying, but
that's only making it harder for you to heal King. Let go of the
stigma and what you've been told about crying, it's important for
you to feel. Let those tears flow, especially if you aren't
venting/expressing yourself to someone. You have to release the
stress you're feeling somehow and crying can help you do that.
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Express yourself: I mentioned expressing yourself as part of
healing post-relationship and I’m mentioning it again because it’s
an important aspect of healing situational depression and suicidal
ideations. Call a friend you can vent to or if you have a therapist,
talk about what you're feeling in your sessions. Whatever you do,
don't internalize it. People can't help you, unless they know what's
going on.
And as I mentioned before, journaling is great for helping you to
express yourself, especially if you don't have someone you feel
comfortable talking to. There are many ways to journal if you don't
like writing. You can try audio journaling via voice notes on your
phone or video journaling via video recordings of yourself. I like to
do video journaling because I can watch the video later to see how
much progress I'm making on my healing journey.
Black man, please don't internalize your feelings. Internalizing
your feelings is a recipe for disaster and will most certainly lead to
depression and/or anxiety.
Look for the silver lining: One of the most essential things I did to
battle my depression was reframe my mind by focusing on the
silver lining and practicing gratitude.
I know this isn't easy, but it's important. Changing the way you
view a situation, changes the way you respond to it. Look for the
silver lining - most situations have one. When you're feeling down,
reference that silver lining to help you feel better.
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Please be aware, some situations don’t have a silver lining and
that’s okay too. A silver lining is helpful to reframe your mind, but
it’s not the only way you can do so.
Practice gratitude: You can practice gratitude by ending your days
journaling or thinking about 3 things you're grateful for. You can
dedicate a section in your journal to things you are grateful for or
use a separate journal as a "gratitude journal." When you're feeling
down you can read those gratitude journal entries to shift your
perspective to a more positive one.
Practicing gratitude is a great way to reframe your mind, and it’s
especially important if the situation you’re dealing with doesn’t
have a silver lining.
Do things that bring you joy: Also, do things that bring you joy.
When we go through stressful events in our life we stop doing
things that bring us joy inadvertently, which only compounds the
effect that situation has on us.
Don't stop doing things that bring you joy! Make sure you spend
time doing them, they will help you to feel better.
Be kind to yourself: Remember to be kind to yourself. You're going
through a lot! Don't add to it by beating yourself up. This is why
affirmations are so important. They program your inner-voice and
help you heal.
Black man, here are 12 affirmations to help you heal (say them in
your head or out loud):
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1) My inner child is loved, validated and safe at all times with me.
(Helps if you have abandonment issues).
2) I embrace success. The words, "I can't," are not in my
vocabulary. I am the only person who can stop me. (Helps if you
struggle with self-sabotage)
3) I release my need to impress others. I have nothing to prove. I
accept myself the way I am. (Helps if you seek external validation).
4) I am handsome. I accept myself unconditionally. (Helps if you
have low self-esteem).
5) I love myself. (Helps if you lack self worth).
6) I am doing the best I can with the tools I have. No one's opinion
of me matters, except my own. (Helps with self-acceptance).
7) I teach others to believe in me by believing in myself. (Helps if
you seek external validation).
8) I am human, I am allowed to make mistakes. (Helps with
self-compassion).
9) Being who I truly am is my divine right. (Helps with
self-acceptance).
10) I act for my future, not because of my past. (Helps if you
struggle with self-sabotage).
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11) I am free to create my own reality. I have choices in all
situations. Nothing stands between me and my highest good.
(Helps with self-sabotage).
12) I am calm in the face of conflict. I brush annoyances off easily.
I agree to disagree. (Helps if you struggle with not responding
emotionally to conflict).
Those are my personal affirmations. They've been monumental for
my healing, so I want you to have them.
One trick I learned from my therapist is to record my affirmations
and play them back every day. Try recording yourself saying your
affirmations out loud as if you were saying them to someone else
(so it sounds convincing) and then play them back to yourself
every day.
Exercise (if you can): It's also important to stay physically active
and exercise if you can. Exercise reduces your risk of depression
and anxiety, and improves your mood through the production of
endorphins.
If you struggle consistently exercising, try lowering the amount of
times you exercise per week to 1-2 30 minute sessions until you
can increase the number of sessions to 3-5 per week. Then, you
can increase the amount of time you're in the gym to 45 minutes
or an hour.
Pace yourself. Exercising, like healing, is a marathon. Do what you
can. You got this King!
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Have faith: The last thing you need to do is have faith! Regardless
of what you decide to do, trust that things will get better, life is full
of ups and downs - don't let the downs cause you to forget the ups!
Pray (if you believe in God): Also, PRAY! Prayer and God really
helped me out of my depression. If you don't believe in God, skip
this, but if you do pray, pray, pray
🙏🏿
Here's my prayer for you:
Father God, thank you for today. Blessed be your Holy name. I
want to pray over the life of the person reading this. I pray you
guide them and show them there is NOTHING you cannot do. I
pray for their continued faith in you. Thank you for their life.
I ask that you walk with them, I ask that you hold their hand
through whatever they may be going through. I pray they find
comfort in you. I pray against any spirit of depression, anxiety, or
negativity in their life. Please, reveal yourself to them. Amen.
🙏🏿
If you aren't "good" at praying, you can use the previous prayer as
your own. Replace "them" with "me", "their" with "my" and "they"
with "I."
Energy-based healing: I was talking to my therapist and she said
normally the people that don’t have faith in a higher power or
energy outside of themselves struggle the most post-breakup. Even
if you don’t believe in God, that doesn’t mean that you can’t
engage in some energy-based healing like reiki healing, chakra
healing, or crystal healing. I personally don’t have experience with
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any energy-based healing, but I want to introduce you to the
concepts so you can do more research on your own.
Regardless of what's going on, I want you to know that you are
loved, valued and appreciated. If no one has told you that lately, I
will. I love you, King. And there’s nothing wrong with a Black man
telling another Black man that he loves him!
I covered a lot, so here's a recap of how to heal situational
depression and suicidal ideations:
- Embrace your emotions
- Cry
- Express yourself
- Journal
- Look for the silver lining
- Practice gratitude
- Do things that bring you joy
- Be kind to yourself
- Affirmations
- Exercise (if you can)
- Have faith
- Pray (if you believe in God)
- Energy-based healing
These got me through and they'll help you too. Don't give up hope,
keep fighting! Trust me, I’ve been there. Every day feels like a
battle you can’t win, but the simple fact that you’re here reading
this book says a lot about your will and your ability to persevere
through whatever you’re dealing with.
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You are winning the battle even if it doesn’t feel like it. My hope is
that this guide equips you with additional weapons you can use to
end the war.
If you still have suicidal ideations after following the guide, please
call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800)273-8255.
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My Story
For most of my life I’ve lived in Queens, NY, but I was born in
Brooklyn, NY. Anyone from NY knows that Brooklyn is considered
the “tougher” borough, so for most of my teenage years I thought I
was invincible in Queens simply because I was born in Brooklyn. It
wasn’t until my second year of high school that I realized how
dangerous this mindset actually was. I won’t get into what
happened specifically, but if you are interested in learning more,
please listen to episode 11, “Getting Robbed (Part 1),” of the
“Express Yourself Black Man” podcast. The podcast is available on
all major podcast streaming platforms, so you should have no
problem finding it. In that episode I detail the first time I got
robbed, which shifted my mindset from thinking I was invincible
to realizing that bad things could and would happen to me if I
wasn’t cautious enough.
Even with this change in mindset I wasn’t prepared for what was
going to happen to me the next year. It was winter in New York
and I was in my third year of high school. At the time, I was still in
a relationship with my first love and after school she would
sometimes come to my house to chill. On this day, she came to my
house and towards the end of the night as she was getting ready to
leave, we got into an argument. I cannot remember what we were
arguing about, I just know we both were stubborn and refused to
be the bigger person.
She had to head home and although we were arguing I couldn’t let
her walk home by herself. Her house was about a 20 minute walk
from mine and I wasn’t comfortable with her walking that
distance alone in the dark, so I tagged along.
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Stubborn and freezing, we walked together, sort of. She walked in
front of me and I trailed behind her. It was my way of saying, “You
should appreciate me being out here with you and apologize first.”
Eventually, I got tired of us not talking and we were a few blocks
away from her house, so I let her know I was heading back home.
I never did that, ever. I would always walk her all the way home,
unless she didn’t want me to, but that day was different. Thinking
back, maybe if I walked her all the way home I would’ve avoided
what was waiting for me, but unfortunately, I didn’t. I said my
goodbye, put my headphones in and started heading back to my
house. I was so pissed. How could she not apologize? How could
she not turn back and wait for me to walk with her? Did she not
see my effort?
I couldn’t believe she wouldn’t be the bigger person. At this point,
it was dark and I was a few blocks away from my house when I
walked by two guys who were staring at me as I passed them. They
were both taller than me and I honestly didn’t pay them any
attention because I was so mad that I didn’t care who I passed on
my walk home. It could’ve been Jesus reincarnated, I would’ve
given him the head nod (maybe) and kept going. The only detail I
remember from the guys I walked by was that one of them had on
a purple Moncler jacket. It stuck out to me because it was so dark
that it was hard to miss.
I’m now about a block away from my house and I’m listening to
Heaven or Hell by Meek Mill when all of a sudden I feel someone
wrapping their arm around my neck while covering my mouth and
pulling me to the ground. My first thought is it’s one of my
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annoying friends that saw me walking and decided to run behind
me to catch me, but I was wrong. Now on the ground with one of
my headphones out, I can hear them saying, “Run your pockets,”
and for those of you that don’t know that’s NY slang for “Give me
whatever you have on you.” I quickly realized I was being robbed,
again, and this time it was more physical and I was terrified.
“I don’t have anything on me, just my phone,” I said. At this point,
they had already stripped me of my rose gold watch that I got as a
birthday present from my girlfriend. They checked my pockets for
my phone and when they realized it was locked they forced me to
show them the code. All I kept hearing in my head was my mom’s
voice, “Kofi, if someone asks you for something you have on you,
give it to them. It’s not worth your life,” so instead of doing
anything to retaliate, I showed them the code. I was so scared that
it took me a few tries to remember it. One of the thieves reached
over to grab my phone and I saw the purple sleeve of their jacket.
It was the same purple jacket I saw earlier. I was so mad on my
walk home that I didn’t lower my music or check my surroundings
to make sure I wasn’t being followed. I was completely oblivious to
what was going on around me.
The thieves had everything they came for, so they got up, kicked
me in my back and threw snow in my face before they ran off. I
layed there shocked, confused and terrified for a minute before I
got up. I couldn’t believe I was a block away from my house and no
one saw what happened or came to help me. I was ONE block
away from my house. ONE. I actually knew the people who lived
across the street from where I was robbed. I went to middle school
with some of the kids that lived in that house. I wiped the snow off
the side of my face and finished walking home.
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It wasn’t until the next day that I started to feel the mental effects
of being robbed. I needed to leave the house to go somewhere and
I was struggling to put one foot outside of the door. I was
panic-stricken and it felt more like I was preparing to go to war
instead of heading outside for a few minutes. Being robbed
changed my entire mentality and it was the start of my battle with
anxiety.
My mindset shifted from bad things could and would happen to
me if I wasn’t cautious as a result of the first time I got robbed to
people cannot be trusted and everyone (especially Black males) is
a threat until proven otherwise as a result of the second time I got
robbed. This mindset shift led to social anxiety and an avoidance
of gatherings with groups of people I wasn’t familiar with. I
already didn’t like parties, but my social anxiety made me hate
them. To this day I’m extremely uncomfortable when people walk
or stand too close while they’re behind me. I get anxious about
going to places that I’m unfamiliar with and I avoid social
interaction with random people, if I can.
If you’re not sure if you have anxiety, please refer to the guide
below.
Black man, here are 10 signs you may have anxiety:
1) Excessive worrying: to be considered a sign of generalized
anxiety disorder, the worrying must be severe and intrusive
making it difficult to concentrate on most days for at least six
months.
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2) Feeling agitated: racing pulse, sweaty palms, shaky hands and
dry mouth are all signs that you may be in an agitated state.
3) Restlessness: people normally describe restlessness as feeling
"on edge" or having an "uncomfortable urge to move." This is a
common sign of anxiety in children and teens.
4) Persistent fatigue: feeling fatigued constantly could also be a
sign of anxiety.
5) Difficulty concentrating: a study in 175 adults with generalized
anxiety disorder found that almost 90% reported having difficulty
concentrating.
6) Irritability: anxiety can sometimes put you in an irritable state
where you're likely to become frustrated or upset easily.
7) Tense muscles: you could have anxiety if you don't exercise
regularly and your muscles are tight on most days of the week.
8) Trouble sleeping: sleep disturbances like having trouble falling
or staying asleep are normally associated with anxiety disorders.
9) Panic attacks: panic attacks produce an intense, overwhelming
feeling of fear which is normally accompanied by rapid heartbeat,
sweating, shaking, shortness of breath, chest tightness, nausea and
fear of dying or losing control.
10) Avoiding social situations: if you're avoiding social events
because you're worried about how they may go, you may have
anxiety, specifically social anxiety.
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It's okay to be anxious. Many people experience anxiety in their
lifetime. Please don't take experiencing one or even a few of these
signs as an indication that you have an anxiety disorder. Talk to a
professional about your symptoms first.
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How To Heal
The first thing you need to know about anxiety is that it is not real.
Technically, it is, but it isn’t. Let me explain.
Anxiety is a figment of our imagination. It’s a story that we tell
ourselves about what could possibly happen to us that causes our
body to respond as if we were in that situation, but the reality is,
it’s a fictional story we make up. It may seem real because we’re
basing the story off of past experiences and trauma, but it’s not.
Fully grasping this concept of anxiety not being real is the basis of
healing or working through your anxiety to live a full life.
Anxiety causes us to infatuate over something that hasn’t
happened and as a result we drift our focus from our present
moment to the endless possibilities of what could happen.
Mindfulness: One of the best things we can do to combat our
anxiety is practice mindfulness. The Google definition of
mindfulness is, “a mental state achieved by focusing one's
awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging
and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used
as a therapeutic technique.” Basically, it’s remaining focused on
the present moment. It’s extremely powerful in combatting anxiety
because anxiety is essentially the practice of focusing on future
moments.
Most people practice mindfulness via meditation. However, you
can also practice mindfulness by journaling about your feelings in
the present.
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Black man, here’s how you practice mindfulness:
1) Find a comfortable, quiet place: Find a place to sit that feels
calm and quiet to you.
2) Set a time limit: If you’re just beginning, it can help to set a
short time limit like 5 or 10 minutes.
3) Notice your body: You can sit in a chair with your feet on the
floor, you can sit loosely cross-legged, in lotus posture, you can
kneel, you can also sit upright in your bed if you plan on practicing
in the morning or night. Just make sure you are stable and in a
position you can stay in for a while.
4) Feel your breath: Follow the sensation of your breath as you
inhale and exhale.
5) Notice when your mind has wandered: Your attention will leave
the sensations of the breath and wander to other places, which is
perfectly normal. When you notice this, simply return your
attention to your breath and the present moment. It doesn’t matter
how long your mind was wandering for.
6) Be kind to your wandering mind: Don’t judge yourself or obsess
over the thoughts you find yourself lost in. Just return your
attention to your breath and the present moment.
Mindfulness can be difficult when you’re first starting, but it’s
extremely rewarding and gets easier the more you practice. Try to
make your practice a habit. For example, I practice mindfulness
meditation as soon as I wake up and before I go to bed. It has
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improved my outlook on life and reduced my stress and anxiety
throughout the day.
Here’s a recap of how to practice mindfulness:
1) Find a comfortable, quiet place
2) Set a time limit
3) Notice your body
4) Feel your breath
5) Notice when your mind has wandered
6) Be kind to your wandering mind
Now that I’ve covered mindfulness, we can continue discussing
how to heal when dealing with anxiety.
Guided imagery: Guided imagery is a meditation technique that
can help you manage stress and reduce tension in your body.
The studies demonstrating the health benefits of guided imagery
are so numerous that many hospitals are incorporating imagery as
an option to help with treatment. In fact, if you search for, “Guided
imagery meditation,” on YouTube most of the videos you’ll see are
from hospitals.
Guided imagery is as simple as thinking about a positive, past
memory while focusing on your breathing.
I’ve mentioned two meditation techniques (mindfulness and
guided imagery), so here are some helpful YouTube channels to
get you started with your practice:
- Calm
- Declutter The Mind
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- Michael Sealey
- WiseMindBody
- Lavendaire
Reframing: As I mentioned before, anxiety is a figment of our
imagination. Oftentimes it stems from a story we’ve told ourselves
about a future that doesn’t currently exist. Reframing is a useful
technique I use to change my perspective on a situation, person, or
relationship. This really helps when I'm getting anxious due to
assumptions I’m making about a situation.
Some questions I ask myself to help reframe and calm my anxiety
is, "Could I be wrong about my perception of the situation?" "Do I
have all the information?" "Am I making an assumption?" “What
happens if it all goes right?”
54321 Grounding: Occasionally, we will get anxious regardless of
how much we practice mindfulness or reframe a situation. In
these moments it’s important we have techniques for combatting
anxiety in the present moment, instead of trying to prevent it from
occurring.
In your environment, identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you
can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing
you can taste.
Grounding is good for anxiety attacks. These exercises use mental
distractions to help redirect your thoughts away from distressing
feelings and back to the present. There are many different ways to
ground yourself outside of 54321 grounding, like reciting a song,
taking a short walk, savoring a smell and more.
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I’d suggest Googling, “grounding techniques for anxiety,” if you
want to learn more.
4-7-8 Breathing: 4-7-8 breathing is a breathing pattern used to
reduce anxiety or help people get to sleep. There is a lot of
evidence to suggest that this type of deep, rhythmic breathing is
relaxing and may help ease people into sleep.
Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold the breath for 7 seconds, and exhale
for 8 seconds.
Ashwagandha: Ashwagandha is an ancient medicinal herb with
multiple health benefits. It is known to reduce anxiety and stress,
help fight depression, boost fertility and testosterone in men, and
even boost brain function. Taking ashwagandha may be an easy
and effective way to improve your health and quality of life.
Of course, you should consult your primary care physician and do
your own research before taking any supplements.
Challenge yourself (optional): Please keep in mind this step is
optional and mainly for people who have social anxiety like me.
I’ve found that challenging myself by exposing myself to social
situations that normally cause anxiety helps me get more
comfortable being in those environments, which reduces my
anxiety.
I challenge myself socially by visiting different gyms, restaurants
and grocery stores in my neighborhood, so I’m exposed to different
environments with random people I’m not accustomed to seeing
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or interacting with. Over time this helps me feel more confident in
my ability to handle social situations and my anxiety lessens.
If you have social anxiety, I’d encourage you to challenge yourself!
You’d be surprised what you’re capable of.
I covered a lot, so here's a recap of how to deal with anxiety:
- Mindfulness
- Guided imagery
- Reframing
- 54321 Grounding
- 4-7-8 Breathing
- Ashwagandha
- Challenge yourself (optional)
The key is to actively work on your anxiety every day. I practice
mindfulness meditation daily and also take time to ground myself
via deep breathing if I feel my anxiety rising throughout the day.
I really hope these techniques and practices help you as they have
helped me. Similar to healing, anxiety will take time and effort
before you see change, but I am a living testament that it’s
possible for you to get more comfortable with situations and
environments that would normally heighten your anxiety. You can
do this!
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My Story
Growing up, I barely saw my mom. She wasn’t a deadbeat and I
didn’t grow up in a single-parent household, she just worked… A
LOT. She was a surgical technician at a hospital, so she spent most
of her weekdays working 12-16 hour shifts (including the commute
to and from work in the city). She would wake up at 4 am, be out
the door by 5 am and I wouldn’t see her again until about 8 pm.
On most weekdays, I would see her for about 30 minutes before
bed or be asleep before she got home.
While she spent most of her days at work providing for our family,
I spent most of my days wishing she was home spending time with
us. This is the brutal reality of so many Black children in the
United States born into the lower middle-class, with struggling
parents working to create a better future for them. We were in the
cycle that many of you know too well. One parent stays at home to
provide the nurturing for the children, while the other parent goes
out to provide financial stability for the home.
Unfortunately, my mother also has issues with her temper. I now
know that work stress probably plays a role, but as a child I had no
idea why she would get so angry nor how to navigate a household
where one of your parents could become easily angered. It really
pains me to write this and I have struggled deciding whether or
not I wanted to put this in the book, but it’s my truth and I’m sure
I’m not the only one that grew up in a household like this. I was
never physically abused or harmed as a result of her tantrums, but
the psychological effect they had on me is real and still impacts
me today. I love my mom dearly, and she’s a great mom, but I’d be
doing everyone that will read this book a huge disservice if I didn’t
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talk about the impact adult tantrums have on the development of
adolescent children.
As a child, I had no idea this period of my life would impact my
adult development. What I’ve learned through therapy and
research is that our relationships with our caregivers shape our
sense of self and our relationships with everyone else. When you
think about it, it makes a lot of sense. As human beings, almost
everything we do in the present is because of something we
experienced in the past. Basically, your present-day approach to
life is a culmination of past learned behaviors. The problem is we
learn a lot of our behaviors indirectly, which get programmed into
our subconscious. If we aren't intentional with our
decision-making we can easily start living life on autopilot by
approaching decision-making with a wounded subconscious mind
that we aren't aware of.
The reality is it's almost impossible to not make decisions
subconsciously. We make a countless number of decisions daily, so
it would be torture to try to make sure we are consciously thinking
through everything that we do. However, that doesn't mean we
shouldn't be aware of our subconscious mind - the unfortunate
reality is that many of us are not.
My childhood indirectly taught me that I could not find physical
love in my home. As I mentioned before I barely saw my mom
because she was working, and although my dad stayed home with
us, I didn't understand what it meant to be loved physically
because he wasn't normally affectionate. I believe the dynamic in
my household (my mom barely being home, her temper and my
dad’s lack of affection) along with bullying from school manifested
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into an anxious/insecure preoccupied attachment style. Our
attachment style drives a great deal of our subconscious
decision-making because it's essentially the lessons we've learned
about how to cultivate relationships with other people.
And in my case, I had no idea how my subconscious was dictating
the decisions I made, especially in my romantic relationships. At a
young age, I had a desire to be loved that I couldn't satiate. When I
was 13, I was on Facebook sending mass messages to girls I found
attractive. I was desperately searching for love, and finally found it
when I got into my first relationship in high school at the age of
14.
My attachment style ultimately doomed this relationship to fail. I
craved reassurance, but I had no idea that's what I was looking for,
so while I was in that relationship I engaged in controlling
behavior. I couldn't help how insecure I was. At the time, I
thought, "If she just did x" I would be fine, but the x kept changing
and my need for reassurance was never satisfied. My subconscious
believed I wasn't worthy of the love I so desperately craved, which
led me to try to control every aspect of the relationship. I was
constantly hunting for reassurance to soothe my insecurity.
At 19, we finally broke up. I did a lot of self-reflection and realized
my insecurity led to my controlling behavior. I gained confidence
in myself and wasn't as insecure, but I still had a need to be loved
that never subsided. I was just scratching the surface of the real
issue, which was my unhealthy attachment style.
Shortly after, I started serial dating by pursuing old flings that I
thought would potentially be interested and/or women I felt
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confident that I could easily date. I could complete an entire dating
cycle in the span of three weeks, from initial contact to cutting her
off. I thought what I was doing was normal for someone in college,
because that's what our culture glorifies. I now know that I was
looking for love, because the child that just wanted his mom to be
home or a hug from his dad was still living in my subconscious.
I finally got into another relationship towards the end of college.
We dated for about a month before making things official and
within the first three months of our relationship we decided it
made sense for her to move in with me, since she was always at my
apartment. We would often talk about how accelerated our
timeline was, but I didn't think anything was wrong.
As time progressed I noticed several red flags, like her not wanting
to have kids or get married, which were both things I was
extremely interested in doing, but I shrugged them off. I thought,
“I'm a catch, she'll come around.” I was more interested in who I
thought she could be, rather than accepting who she was and
making a decision to stay/leave based on that. The truth is I
subconsciously made the decision to stay because I wasn’t brave
enough to be alone.
I stayed in that relationship with the hopes that I could change her
into the woman of my dreams. I made sacrifice after sacrifice
stripping myself of my identity each time to become a different
version of myself so I could appease her. I don't blame her for any
of this. I don't even blame myself. I was living life on autopilot by
making decisions with a wounded subconscious that I was
unaware of.
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I convinced myself throughout the course of the relationship that
the red flags, our accelerated timeline and my unhappiness were
all part of making a relationship work. It wasn't until she cheated
on me that I realized I was playing myself the entire time and
snapped out of it. Who knows where I would be if that never
happened? I didn't have the courage to end the relationship
because I was too scared to be alone. I needed to be in a
relationship to feel validated. I was looking for the love and
attention I wish I received as a child in women.
This is the part of our culture that no one really talks about. We
never stop to think that maybe the men we glorify for sleeping
around or serial dating actually do so because they’re trying to fill
a void that was created in their childhood. As I mentioned before,
our relationships with our caregivers shape our sense of self and
our relationships with everyone else. Unfortunately, many of us
grow up in broken homes which lead to attachment styles that
doom relationships before they can flourish into what they’re
meant to be.
Learning about my attachment style has been one of the most
important developments in my healing journey. I’m hoping the
next section of this chapter will be a revelation for you. Regardless,
it will make you more aware of how your subconscious could be
operating in your life, which is immensely beneficial.
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How To Heal
Before I explain how to heal, we must fully understand attachment
styles. Our relationships with our caregivers inform us of how we
should behave in relationships with everyone else. An attachment
style is the profile that most closely matches the behaviors we
exhibit when navigating relationships (platonic and romantic).
Attachment styles explain how we respond to emotional intimacy,
conflict, communication and understanding of needs and
emotions, expectations in a relationship, and more.
I like to think of my attachment style like a Zodiac sign. I’m not an
astrology expert, but when I think of Zodiac signs I think of a
profile assigned to me based on my birth date and time. Of course,
there’s more that goes into astrology, but for the sake of this
example I’m keeping it simple. Attachment styles are a profile
assigned to me based on my upbringing. Zodiac signs describe my
identity and how I approach life. Attachment styles describe my
behavior and how I approach relationships. Please keep in mind
that while astrology and zodiac signs are not backed by science,
attachment styles are. There are many scientific articles and
publications that describe attachment styles in detail.
According to research, there are 4 different types of attachment
styles, secure, avoidant, disorganized and anxious/insecure. Out of
the 4 attachment styles, secure is widely recognized as the ideal
style and the one we should all strive for. The remaining 3
attachment styles (avoidant, disorganized, and anxious/insecure)
are considered unhealthy. Do not panic, attachment styles are not
immutable so regardless of what attachment style you have, you
can always work towards a secure attachment style. Earned secure
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attachment is the classification for adults who experienced
insecure parenting in childhood but have developed secure
relationship patterns as adults. This chapter is all about helping
you work towards an earned secure attachment.
Black man, here’s how you identify your attachment style:
In the following pages, I’m going to explain each attachment style
and give a list of questions to help you determine whether you
have that attachment style or not. If you’d like an audio version of
this guide, please listen to episode 1, “Attachment Styles,” of the
“Express Yourself Black Man” podcast. If you’d like to take an
attachment style quiz instead, please visit:
quiz.attachmentproject.com.
Also, please be aware you can potentially have multiple
attachment styles. For example, you can be secure with your best
friend and anxious/insecure with your significant other.
Sometimes different relationships bring out different attachment
styles, so my advice would be to answer these questions with a
specific relationship type in mind (platonic or romantic). It’s also
okay if you still determine you have multiple attachment styles
while keeping one relationship type in mind. You’ll just need to
identify how each of your attachment styles may be triggered and
work to address those triggers in that relationship.
Secure Attachment
As I mentioned before, out of the 4 attachment styles, secure is
widely recognized as the ideal style and the one we should all
strive for. If your caregivers attended to you while you were in
distress, you’re likely to have a secure attachment style, which
means you feel secure, healthy, and happy in your relationships.
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Children with secure attachment styles are described as less
disruptive, less aggressive, and more mature than children with
anxious/insecure, avoidant or disorganized attachment styles.
Here are some more signs of securely attached children:
- Seek comfort from caregivers when frightened
- Greets return of caregivers with positive emotions
- Prefers caregivers to strangers
Adults with secure attachment styles normally have high
self-esteem, enjoy intimate relationships, seek out social support,
and have an ability to share feelings with other people.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to determine if you
have a secure attachment style:
- Do you find that you're kind to yourself and generally positive
with others?
- Do you feel accepted by others?
- Do you accept yourself?
- Do you feel competent in the actions you take?
- Do you generally feel close to others?
- Are you comfortable with closeness, and also with independence?
- Do you feel you communicate effectively and resolve conflicts as
they arise?
- Do you feel like you have fairly stable relationships?
- Do you trust your partner?
- Do you feel safe in being vulnerable with your partner?
If you answered, “Yes,” to all or most of these questions, then you
most likely have a secure attachment style. As an adult, it’s likely
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easier for you to get close with others, and develop healthy
relationships. Also, you can operate well in closeness and
independence. You may prefer one over the other depending on
your mood, but you can operate in both easily. Lastly, when you
experience emotions you’re able to regulate them and they feel
tolerable.
Avoidant Attachment/Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment
There are two types of avoidant attachment styles,
dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant. This section of the
chapter is focused on dismissive-avoidant, while fearful-avoidant
which is also referred to as disorganized is covered later in this
chapter. Avoidant attachment is synonymous with
dismissive-avoidant in this section.
If your caregivers were regularly emotionally unavailable, you’re
likely to have an avoidant attachment style. This doesn’t mean
your caregivers didn’t provide for you, it simply means that they
likely didn’t show care or responsiveness past providing essentials
like food and shelter. As a child, when you wanted support your
problems were probably downplayed or ignored, encouraging you
to develop an avoidant attachment style.
Children with avoidant attachment styles tend to deny the
importance of their own needs and show no preference between a
caregiver and a stranger. They may also avoid their caregivers and
normally do not seek much contact or comfort from their
caregivers.
Adults with avoidant attachment styles tend to have problems with
intimacy, invest little emotion in relationships (platonic and
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romantic), and are unwilling and/or unable to share thoughts or
feelings with others. They are also sometimes unable to empathize
with others. Some of you may be yelling, “That sounds like a
narcissist!” Yes, narcissists tend to have an avoidant attachment
style, but not all people with avoidant attachment styles are
narcissists.
People with avoidant attachment styles tend to emotionally
distance themselves from their partner and/or other relationships
in their life. They appear to be focused on themselves, but
underneath that is hyper independence. Basically, their ability to
trust has been wounded by the trauma of people letting them
down. These are the people you normally hear say things like, “I
don’t need anybody,” or “You can’t trust anyone,” or “As soon as
you let people close they’ll hurt you, that’s why I stay to myself.”
They also have the ability to shut down emotionally even if they’re
in heated or emotional situations. For example, if their partner is
distressed and threatens to leave them, they could respond by
saying, “I don’t care.”
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to determine if you
have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style:
- Do you feel closer to others when you’re away from them?
- Do you feel the urge to pull away when your partner is seeking
intimacy?
- Do you distance yourself from stressful situations or conflict?
- Do you feel emotionally removed from others?
- Are you an independent person?
- Are you perfectly content without having many relationships?
- Do you hide your feelings most of the time?
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If you answered, “Yes,” to all or most of these questions, then you
most likely have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. As an
adult, it’s likely harder for you to get close with others, and develop
healthy relationships. You operate better with your independence
than you do in closeness and you tend to prefer your independence
over closeness. You most likely avoid connection because you have
directly or indirectly learned that relationships hurt.
Disorganized Attachment/Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
Disorganized attachment is synonymous with fearful-avoidant in
this section.
If your caregivers acted as figures of both fear and reassurance,
you’re likely to have a disorganized attachment style. They could
have been frightening, abusive or behaved inappropriately towards
you, which could have led to a fear of being around them. They
most likely were not present for you, but as a child your instincts
led you to seek comfort and reassurance from them regardless.
Caregivers who act as figures of both fear and reassurance tend to
cultivate a disorganized attachment style in their children because
their children feel both frightened and comforted by them. This
state of being both frightened and comforted leads children to
have a mix of behaviors, including avoidance or resistance when
interacting with their caregivers. Children with disorganized
attachment also can be described as dazed and sometimes
confused or apprehensive in the presence of a caregiver.
Adults with disorganized attachment live in a contradictory state
where they are afraid of being too close or too distant from others.
They often experience emotional turmoil because they are unable
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to deal with their conflicting feelings. They understand that they
need to attach with others to get their needs met, but they are
conflicted because their learned experience tells them that
relationships hurt. They may cling to their partner when they feel
overly distant or rejected, then feel trapped when they are close.
Oftentimes, their timing with their partner seems to be off. It’s
also possible for a person with a fearful-avoidant attachment to
end up in an abusive relationship.
One of the main differences between dismissive-avoidant
(avoidant attachment) and fearful-avoidant (disorganized
attachment) is that people with dismissive-avoidant attachment
normally don’t acknowledge the need for closeness while people
with fearful-avoidant attachment do.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to determine if you
have a fearful-avoidant attachment style:
- Do you crave emotional intimacy, but also feel it’s safer to be on
your own where you won’t get hurt?
- Was your primary caregiver abusive?
- Did your primary caregiver show love one minute and abuse the
next?
- Do you find it difficult to open up and be vulnerable?
- Is it a major struggle for you to trust other people?
- Do you have trouble making sense of your childhood
experiences?
If you answered, “Yes,” to all or most of these questions, then you
most likely have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. As an adult,
you may long for closeness, but also fear it. Your learned
experiences from your childhood trauma can lead to inconsistent
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or confusing actions and relationships. Disorganized attachment is
normally the primary style for survivors of complex developmental
trauma.
Anxious/Insecure Attachment (also known as Ambivalent
Attachment)
If your caregivers were inconsistent in how they responded to your
needs, then you’re likely to have an anxious/insecure attachment
style. Your caregivers could have responded appropriately to your
needs sometimes by giving you the love and care you desired, but
also could have responded inappropriately to your needs
sometimes by not being present or by being critical or hurtful. As a
child, you may have felt uncertain of what treatment to expect.
Children with an anxious/insecure attachment tend to be very
suspicious of people they don’t know. These children normally
show great distress when separated from their caregivers, but also
do not seem reassured or comforted by the return of their
caregivers. In some cases, these children may passively reject their
caregivers by refusing comfort, or may openly display direct
aggression toward their caregivers.
Adults with anxious/insecure attachment tend to worry that their
partner does not love them or will eventually leave them. They
want to be close to their romantic partners and are sensitive to
changes in the relationship that could be perceived as threats.
Basically, their anxiety can be triggered by things they perceive to
be threats to the relationship.
In my case, I was threatened by my partner going to parties
because I thought she would find someone better than me, which
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triggered my anxiety and led to protest behaviors. Protest
behaviors are behaviors we engage in to trigger reassurance from
our partner. Essentially, we engage in protest behaviors to display
unhappiness with a lack of attention or responsiveness from our
partners in hopes that they realize that we are unhappy and
reassure us. Almost every relationship has some protest behaviors,
but too many protest behaviors from one person in the
relationship can lead to burnout, stress, and/or resentment from
the person on the receiving end of those behaviors.
A good example of a protest behavior I normally exhibited in my
relationship was when I felt anxious about my girlfriend going to
parties, I would tell her to call me or send me pictures of what she
was wearing. On the surface level, someone would say that’s
controlling, which I agree with. However, if we dive a little deeper,
underneath that I was longing for reassurance and exhibiting
control was how I got it. In my mind, I was thinking
subconsciously, “If she calls me or sends me pictures, she’s still
listening to me. If she’s still listening to me, she still loves me. If
she still loves me, I’m still lovable and safe.”
If you’d like to hear more about how my attachment style affected
me, please listen to episode 4, “My Attachment Style - Anxious
Insecure Preoccupied,” of the “Express Yourself Black Man”
podcast.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to determine if you
have a anxious/insecure attachment style:
- When you and a loved one disagree or argue, do you feel
overwhelmed or extremely anxious?
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- If the other person needs a break, do you pursue them until they
give in?
- Do you feel the need for lots of reassurance in a relationship?
- If your partner is away, do you question their love for you?
If you answered, “Yes,” to all or most of these questions, then you
most likely have an anxious/insecure attachment style. As an
adult, you long for closeness and fear being away from your
partner. Your learned experiences from your childhood trauma tell
you that you are only lovable if someone is loving you, which is
why you feel the need to cling to relationships even if they aren’t
serving you. If this sounds anything like you, don’t be worried. This
was my attachment style, so I’ve done a lot of work and have a lot
of insight on how you can begin your healing journey.
Black man, here’s how you heal your unhealthy attachment style:
Now that you’ve identified your unhealthy attachment style, it’s
important you work towards an earned secure attachment.
Before I get into the process of healing an unhealthy attachment
style, I want to mention that being in a relationship with someone
who has a secure attachment style is one of the best ways to heal
an unhealthy attachment style. This is not something I’m saying
from personal experience, but it is something I’ve seen in
numerous articles and videos about attachment style healing. In
theory, it makes sense because someone with a secure attachment
style is comfortable with their individuality and with emotional
intimacy. If they’re with someone who has an avoidant attachment
style, they’ll be comfortable with practicing their individuality
while their partner needs space. If they’re with someone who has
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an anxious/insecure attachment style, they’ll be comfortable with
the increased emotional intimacy their partner may need. A
securely attached person’s emotional intelligence and level of
comfortability with adjusting to their partner's needs can help to
heal whatever imbalance is present in their partner as a result of
their unhealthy attachment style.
Unfortunately, part of having an unhealthy attachment style
means that the way you perceive love and look for partners is also
unhealthy, so there’s an increased possibility that your partner
may have an unhealthy attachment style as well. Normally, people
with an anxious/insecure attachment are attracted to people with
an avoidant attachment and vice versa. These relationships usually
result in the anxiously attached person craving love and attention
from the avoidantly attached person, which leads to arguments
about one partner needing too much attention and/or the other
partner being too distant or nonchalant.
If this sounds like your relationship, don’t worry. Once you work
towards an earned secure attachment, it’ll be easier to help your
partner heal as well because you’ll be more secure in who you are
with an increased emotional intelligence. I always encourage
people in relationships to identify their attachment styles because
it explains a lot about the relationship dynamic and helps each
partner understand the other better. In the next few pages, I’ll
explain my process for healing unhealthy attachment styles.
Be patient: Earning a secure attachment style will not happen
overnight, so be patient with yourself. Unhealthy attachment styles
are literally generational trauma because our attachment style is
learned from our caregiver, which was the attachment style they
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learned from their caregiver and so on. Basically, attachment styles
(healthy or unhealthy) are passed down from generation to
generation, so earning a secure attachment when your family has
been passing down generations of unhealthy attachment is healing
generational trauma.
Anytime you get frustrated with the process, stop and ground
yourself by practicing some of the grounding techniques described
in the How To Heal section of the, “Anxiety,” chapter and then
remind yourself that you’re healing generational trauma, which
will take time.
Reconcile childhood experiences: The strategy for developing an
earned secure attachment style involves reconciling childhood
experiences and making sense of the impact your past has had on
your present and can potentially have on your future. Basically,
you need to revisit your childhood, understand what happened and
how it plays into who you are today.
ACE Score: I know this isn’t an easy task, but it’s important. One
way to help reconcile childhood experiences is by identifying your
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) score. An ACE score is a
cumulative score of different types of abuse, neglect, and other
adverse childhood experiences. A higher score normally indicates
a higher risk for health problems later in life.
Therapists of all backgrounds use ACE to establish the impact of
childhood trauma. Your ACE score will not tell the entire story of
your life, but they do indicate the depth of your childhood wounds.
Please know your score by visiting the following link:
https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/
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You can also try answering the following questions to explore your
childhood.
Black man, here are 7 good questions to help you explore your
childhood:
Answer these questions twice. One time from your perspective and
another time from your caregivers’ perspective.
1) What was going on at five-years-old (and the years into
adulthood) that resulted in…? This question helps you to connect
trauma in the past to present adult behaviors.
2) What was your childhood like? Try to describe it using one or
more of the following words: joyful, protected, neglected,
restrained, painful, scary and identify why you chose each word.
3) What were some of the happiest moments? This question helps
you to identify what brought you joy as a child, which can help
with identifying passions in adulthood.
4) What were some of the most disturbing moments? This
question helps you to identify events that could have led to
childhood trauma.
5) Do you have any regrets? If so, what? Childhood regrets can
lead to adult resentment amongst other things, it's important to
identify them and understand the role they play in your life today.
6) Was discipline used or was punishment used? Discipline is a
way to teach kids to follow rules or correct misbehavior, while
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punishment is a form of negative discipline and is often used to
get rid of or end a behavior.
Punishment vs. Positive Discipline
Example: As a child, your parents wanted you to stop running
around the house, but you didn't listen.
Punishment: Yelling at you and/or beating you for not obeying
their command.
Positive Discipline: Sitting you down and explaining why running
around the house is dangerous, while taking away one of your toys
for doing so.
7) What were you taught about:
- Love?
- Sex?
- Money?
- Religion or spirituality?
- Having children?
- Raising children?
- Values, morals and virtues such as honesty, kindness,
compassion, respect, integrity?
- Feeling emotions like fear, sadness, hurt, anxiety, disgustion,
frustration, anger, happiness, joy?
- Expressing feelings?
- Having strengths and gifts?
- Work and success?
- Having fun?
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Your childhood plays a huge role in how you navigate the world as
an adult and if you don't understand/address your childhood
experiences, you may be approaching your decision making today
on autopilot.
Now back to healing unhealthy attachment styles.
Speak to your inner child: If you have identified some childhood
trauma, it’s important you speak to your childhood self, which is
also referred to as your inner child. Everyone has an inner child
that acts on their behalf subconsciously based on childhood
experiences and that inner child is normally what informs how
you behave in relationships. When you have an unhealthy
attachment style, you likely may have a damaged inner child.
Please be aware that it is possible to have an unhealthy
attachment style due to trauma not related to your childhood (like
a past, failed relationship or abusive ex). However, because
childhood trauma plays a big role in attachment styles, I’d like to
go over some affirmations for inner child healing.
Black man, here are 10 affirmations to heal your inner child (say
them in your head or out loud):
An inner child reflects the child we once were in both our unmet
needs and repressed childhood emotions, as well as our childlike
innocence, creativity, and joy.
Your inner child lives within your subconscious mind and can
sometimes take over when you are faced with a challenge, so it's
important you acknowledge and heal your inner child, if necessary.
The following affirmations are meant to help you do both.
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1) My inner child is loved, validated and safe at all times with me.
(Helps if you have abandonment issues)
2) My inner child is handsome. (Helps with low self-esteem)
3) I embrace my inner child and accept it as a part of me. (Helps
with acknowledging your inner child)
4) I am allowed to have fun and be childlike. (Helps if you struggle
with consciously letting your inner child out)
5) My inner child deserves to have a voice. (Helps with
acknowledging your inner child)
6) I trust my inner child. (Helps with confidence)
7) My inner child's thoughts and feelings are valid. (Helps with
vulnerability issues)
8) I choose to let go of pain and focus on healing all aspects of my
inner child. (Helps with dealing with childhood trauma)
9) I choose to release any feelings of guilt, hurt or shame
associated with my childhood trauma. (Helps with vulnerability
issues)
10) My trauma does not define me. I choose to be more. (Helps
with dealing with childhood trauma)
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As I mentioned the last time I gave affirmations, one trick I
learned from my therapist is to record my affirmations and play
them back every day. Try recording yourself saying these out loud
as if you were saying them to someone else (so it sounds
convincing) and then play them back to yourself every day.
Now back to healing unhealthy attachment styles.
Forgive yourself: I’m not saying not to hold yourself accountable
for mistakes you made, but it’s also equally important that once
you do hold yourself accountable that you forgive yourself, which
includes your inner child. You no longer need to be a prisoner of
the past.
Make peace with your mistakes and embrace your shortcomings.
You are allowed to grow, change and most importantly, you are
allowed to forgive yourself.
Here are 5 affirmations for self-forgiveness (say them in your head
or out loud):
1) I am human, I am allowed to make mistakes.
2) I am no longer a prisoner of the past, but rather a full
participant in the present.
3) My mistakes are a part of me, but they do not define me.
4) I am allowed to grow and change.
5) Someone's perception of me does not have to be my reality.
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You are free. Release the shackles that are tying you to past
mistakes and trauma.
Here’s a good meditation video to help you forgive yourself: Calm
Challenge | Day 22
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcDcyrD2GDo)
Identify your triggers: Your attachment style is most likely
triggered by something. For example, I explained earlier how my
anxious/insecure attachment style was triggered when my partner
would leave, because my inner child believed that one day she
wouldn’t come back.
It’s important you do the self-reflection to understand what events
trigger the negative learned behaviors exhibited by your
attachment style. For someone with an avoidant attachment style,
it may be when your partner is seeking more intimacy. For
someone with a disorganized attachment style, it may be when you
feel “too close” to your partner or “too distant” from them.
Once you identify your triggers, it’s important that you expose
yourself to your triggers so you can learn how to deal with them
healthily.
Expose yourself to your triggers and challenge the narrative you
tell yourself: Now that you’ve identified your trigger, it’s important
to expose yourself to the trigger to learn how to deal with them
healthily. For example, once I realized I had an anxious/insecure
attachment I decided to stop dating for a month to see how I
responded to not receiving love from someone else. I always felt
that I could be alone, but I had never truly spent time being alone.
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From the age of 13, I was always pursuing a relationship or in a
relationship.
The first night I decided to stop dating, I broke down sobbing in
my kitchen and that’s when I realized I had a problem. I didn’t
know why I was crying, but I couldn’t stop. I hadn’t cried like that
in years. That night is the night I became cognizant of my inner
child. Consciously, I felt like I was fine, but subconsciously my
inner child felt abandoned, which caused anxiety that led to
emotional turmoil.
My therapist always says, “When you’re anxious, it’s because
you’re telling yourself something. What is it that you’re telling
yourself?” That question, “What is it that you’re telling yourself,”
was the basis of challenging my behavior. It’s important you ask
yourself, “What am I telling myself about this situation,” before
responding how you normally would to a trigger. Challenge the
narrative you’ve been fed subconsciously about how relationships
and love works.
As I mentioned before, for someone with an avoidant attachment
style you may get triggered when your partner is seeking more
intimacy. In those moments, it’s important to ask yourself, “What
am I telling myself about this situation?” You could be telling
yourself, “When people get close there’s a high likelihood that
they’ll hurt me, so I’d rather keep them at a distance,” or, “I’m not
worthy of love because I’ve never received it.” Challenge whatever
narrative you’ve been fed subconsciously about how relationships
and love works.
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For someone with a disorganized attachment style, you may get
triggered when your partner feels “too close” or “too distant” and
in those moments, you need to ask yourself, “What am I telling
myself about this situation?” When your partner is “too close” you
could be telling yourself, “They’re going to end up hurting me or
disappointing me, so it’s better to keep them at a distance.”
However, when someone is “too distant” you may tell yourself,
“There’s a chance they’ll never come back. I need to get closer to
them.” Challenge whatever narrative you’ve been fed
subconsciously about how relationships and love works.
Challenging the narrative you’ve been fed is another way of
reframing your thoughts about the situation. This step is extremely
important because your attachment style has fed you a narrative
about relationships that has led you to act out in a certain way.
Challenging the narrative allows you to see relationships and love
from a different perspective.
Here are some thoughts to replace the narrative you have been fed
about relationships broken down by attachment styles:
Anxious/insecure: Your partner needing time away or investing
time in their individuality does not mean that they do not love you
or are planning to leave you. Even if this has happened, it is not a
reflection of you, your self-worth or your ability to be loved. It
simply means they weren’t the one and/or it wasn’t the right time
for you to be investing energy into a relationship. Take solace in
knowing that any love someone shows you can be provided by
yourself to yourself.
Avoidant: Your partner wanting to spend more time with you or be
more emotionally intimate does not automatically make them,
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“too clingy,” or, “too needy.” The reality is sometimes you may be,
“too distant.” You may have been failed in the past by your ex,
caregiver, and/or friend, but that does not mean that ALL
relationships result in unmet expectations, hurt, and/or failure.
You can and should allow the right people to get close to you. Take
solace in knowing that any hurt you experience as a result of a
failed relationship can be healed and utilized for your personal
growth.
Disorganized: Read anxious/insecure when you feel like your
partner is “too distant” and read avoidant when you feel like your
partner is “too close.”
NOTE: The following steps are best suited to help someone with
an anxious/insecure attachment style heal and they’re the exact
steps I took to heal my attachment style. However, I believe there
are things I did that anyone looking to heal an unhealthy
attachment style should do, like reparenting and journaling
(explained in the next few pages).
I speak briefly about the steps I took to heal my attachment style
on episode 4, “My Attachment Style - Anxious Insecure
Preoccupied,” of the “Express Yourself Black Man” podcast.
Black man, here’s how you heal an anxious/insecure attachment
style:
Research attachment styles: It’s extremely difficult to heal when
you’re unaware of what you’re trying to heal, so take some time to
research attachment styles, how they work and how others have
healed. You’ve already taken the right steps by purchasing this
book because I have included a lot of my findings in this chapter,
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however I urge you to do more research to develop your own
understanding about how attachment styles work in your life.
Here are some good YouTube videos on attachment styles:
- The Four Attachment Styles of Love
(https://youtu.be/23ePqRkOKtg?t=39): start at :40 seconds in, this
video explains how the attachment styles play into love and
relationships
- What’s your attachment style?
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8yhFBqipk0): this video by a
Black woman (Nu Mindframe) explains attachment styles in
depth
- Anxious Attachment Style In Depth
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HF08nTFR954): this video by
a Black woman (Nu Mindframe) who had an anxious/insecure
attachment style explains the anxious/insecure attachment style
in depth.
- From Clingy to Confident *Healing Anxious Preoccupied
Attachment Style* (https://youtu.be/f6iTlX2IR6U): this video by a
Black woman (Nu Mindframe) who had an anxious/insecure
attachment style explains healing an anxious/insecure attachment
style.
- Choose Love Over Fear ❤ Healing Fearful Avoidant Attachment
Style (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jaosM6Hi2JQ): this
video by a Black woman (Nu Mindframe) explains healing a
fearful avoidant attachment style.
- How to Heal Avoidant Attachment
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbhe5kR_soQ): this video by
a psychologist explains healing an avoidant attachment style.
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Develop a self-care plan: As I mentioned earlier, one of the first
things I did when I realized I had an anxious/insecure attachment
style was take time away from dating to expose myself to my
triggers (not receiving love or validation externally). Initially,
exposing myself to my triggers was terrifying because I was so
focused on what I lost that I couldn’t realize what I gained. Instead
of focusing on not dating, I started to focus on all the time I could
spend getting to know myself, which improved my outlook and led
to the development of my self-care plan.
Black man, here’s how you develop a self-care plan to heal an
anxious/insecure attachment style:
Determine what you want to work on: You must do some
self-reflection to understand what aspects of your life you need to
work on. I took a holistic approach and decided to focus on three
areas in my life when building my self-care plan: mental, physical
and spiritual.
Make reasonable, but challenging goals: Now that you have
determined what you want to work on, you must set goals for
yourself in those areas. Your goals should be reasonable enough
that they’re attainable, but challenging enough that you have to
get out of your comfort zone to attain them.
For example, my goals were the following:
Mental: Journal once a day about whatever was on my mind. This
resulted in me journaling before I went to sleep as a way to recap
the day. I decided to do written journaling because I knew it would
challenge me to find time to sit down and write.
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Physical: Go to the gym at least 4 times a week. This goal was a
little less challenging because I was already used to going to the
gym consistently before developing my self-care plan.
Spiritual: Read the Bible every day. I fell short on this goal and
that’s okay. I settled for praying consistently and strengthening my
relationship with God.
Sometimes you may set goals that are too challenging or not
challenging enough and that’s okay. That’s part of the process. If
your goals are too challenging, there’s nothing wrong with making
them a bit easier and if your goals are too easy there’s nothing
wrong with making them a bit more challenging. The overall
mission is to become a better version of yourself by focusing on
your personal development.
You should also set a time limit for how long you want to stick to
your self-care plan. My limit was a month, but feel free to set yours
longer or shorter depending on how you feel. Everyone’s self-care
plan will be different. I hope that by sharing how I created mine,
you will be empowered to create your own.
Now that we’ve talked about creating a self-care plan, let’s
continue discussing how to heal an anxious/insecure attachment
style.
Re-parenting: Re-parenting is the process of parenting yourself the
way you wish you were parented as a child. It’s a way to speak to
and heal your inner child, which is vital because your inner child
plays a huge role in your attachment style, which dictates how you
subconsciously make decisions around your relationships.
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Re-parenting is something that EVERYONE with an unhealthy
attachment style should be doing. There are two types of
re-parenting: re-mothering and re-fathering.
Here’s a great video series on re-parenting by a Black woman (Nu
Mindframe):
- Re-parenting Yourself: https://youtu.be/lXRxwzcUORs
- How To Re-Mother Yourself: https://youtu.be/gJ_GruafcDk
- How To Re-Father Yourself: https://youtu.be/uUToQTQgu_k
Re-mothering is the process of giving yourself the experiences you
sought out from your mother when you were a child.
Re-mothering yourself doesn’t mean your mother wasn’t good, it
just means she was human and may have fallen short at times. It’s
now your responsibility to fill in those developmental gaps or
unmet needs from your childhood that may be informing your
unhealthy attachment style.
One of the best ways to determine how to re-mother yourself is to
ask yourself what you liked/would’ve liked to see from your
mother growing up. You could make it a journaling exercise and
write down a list of things that would then inform how you
practice re-mothering yourself.
For example, my list would look like:
- More affection
- Spending more time together
- More “I love yous”
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I would then use the list to create a re-mothering practice that
focuses on the following:
- Giving myself affection
- Learning to love myself/Spending time around people who love
me
- Positive affirmations
If you’re still not sure where to start, the following guide has some
concrete examples of how to re-mother yourself.
Black man, here are 5 ways you can re-mother yourself:
Listen to your body: As Black men it’s easy to get caught up in the
day-to-day grind disregarding what our body may be trying to tell
us or how we feel, so instead you should practice listening to your
body.
It’s okay to rest. It’s okay to pause and take some time for yourself
before diving into the next item on your list of things to do. It’s
okay to plan time for YOU in YOUR day.
Be kind to yourself: It’s so easy to beat ourselves up for falling
short, so instead you should practice speaking to yourself with
more compassion and grace. Let go of the habits that default your
inner voice to shaming and criticizing yourself for feeling a certain
way. Practice giving yourself grace. Affirmations are a great tool
for helping to convert your inner voice to a more positive one.
Get some more rest: A lot of us don’t get enough sleep, which
leaves us operating in a suboptimal state. Instead, try to aim for
7-9 hours of sleep a night to build a better circadian rhythm. Sleep
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deprivation is unhealthy, but we live in a society that tries to
glorify it - don’t fall into that trap.
Ask for support: A lot of us find it near impossible to reach out for
support when dealing with a difficult period in our life, but we
need to let go of our pride and ego to overcome those limitations.
Asking for help doesn’t make you weak, it makes you self-aware.
Instead of being hyper independent try asking for help when you
feel overwhelmed. Asking for help could look like talking to a
friend, reaching out to a therapist, going to the doctor, or hiring a
contractor.
Black man, here’s how you ask for help (paraphrased from the
book, "The Unapologetic Guide To Black Mental Health," by
Rheeda Walker, Ph.D.):
Don’t overthink: We all need help at some point in our lives. No
one goes through life without ever needing help from someone
else.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help and it
doesn't make you any less of a man.
Take baby steps: Try scheduling a time to schedule the phone
conversation for when you plan to ask for help. Set a reminder in
your phone so you don't forget. This step is very important if
you're an overthinker.
Create a list of specific requests: Think of the help you need as a
milestone you're trying to reach and the specific requests as
smaller goals that will help you to reach that milestone.
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For example, if I need help creating a logo for my business my list
of specific requests would look like:
- Identify what colors I'd like for the logo
- Identify the type of logo I need
- Identify the date I need the logo by
Break down the help you need into smaller tasks which can also
help you to identify if there's more work you can do by yourself
before asking someone else.
Be specific about what you need: Let the person you're asking
know exactly what you need and don't leave anything up for
interpretation. Your list of specific requests will help A LOT here.
Do you need 30 minutes to run an idea by a creative friend?
Someone to come with you to an event? A place to stay for a few
days? Some money you’re going to pay back? Be specific so they
know exactly how they can help you.
Offer something in return (optional): Think of something that you
can offer in return so you don't feel like you're taking advantage of
whoever's helping you.
You can buy them breakfast/lunch or agree to do a favor for them
in the future. Try to show your gratitude in a way that doesn't
break your pockets.
Asking for help doesn't make you weak, it makes you smart.
Leveraging your network so you don't burn yourself out is a skill.
See it as an opportunity to be authentically you, whether you're
struggling or not.
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Now that we’ve covered how to ask for help, let’s get back to
re-mothering yourself.
Self-soothe: Self-soothing is something a lot of us do without being
aware of it. It’s a way we help ourselves to feel more comfortable
in our environment.
Black man, here are 5 healthy self-soothing behaviors:
Touch: You can try getting a massage, taking a warm bubble bath
filled with Epsom salt to help relax any muscular tension or
sleeping with a weighted blanket.
Taste: You can try drinking a hot cup of tea (my favorite tea right
now is Peppermint Harvest by Breezy Morning), chewing gum, or
sucking on a piece of hard candy (resist your urge to scream pause
or ayo).
Smell: You can try aromatherapy via essential oils or scented
candles. Also, try using a nice smelling fabric softener when
washing your clothes and buy yourself a nice cologne. There are
some great cologne suggestions under this post:
https://www.instagram.com/p/CSsP_0-pPB9/
Sight: You can try playing your favorite movie, TV show or
YouTube video. Comedy always works well because laughing is
good for your body (look it up), but I love action movies, so that’s
what works best for me. You can also try focusing your attention
on an object in your environment.
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Sound: You can try listening to your favorite song, listening to
some guided meditation or using a sound machine when sleeping.
Now that we’ve talked about self-soothing and re-mothering, let’s
continue discussing how to heal an anxious/insecure attachment
style.
Re-fathering is the process of giving yourself the experiences you
sought out from your father when you were a child. A lot of us
grow up in single-parent households with father wounds we
haven't healed or aren't aware of. Re-fathering can help you to fill
in those developmental gaps or unmet needs from your childhood
that may be informing your unhealthy attachment style.
Similar to re-mothering, one of the best ways to determine how to
re-father yourself is to ask yourself what you liked/would’ve liked
to see from your father growing up. You could make it a journaling
exercise and write down a list of things that would then inform
how you practice re-fathering yourself.
For example, my list would look like:
- More positive discipline instead of punishments
- More validation
- More displays of emotion
I would then use the list to create a re-fathering practice that
focuses on the following:
- Being kind to myself while still holding myself accountable
- Positive affirmations
- Processing my emotions healthily
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If you’re still not sure where to start, the following guide has some
concrete examples of how to re-father yourself.
Black man, here are 5 ways you can re-father yourself:
Hold yourself accountable: Accountability is doing what you said
you would do while understanding you are responsible for your
life. Of course, there will be times when you fall short, but part of
holding yourself accountable is trying to make sure those times are
rare.
For example, my therapist and I decided that it would be a good
idea for me to go on dates by myself to practice self-care and put
myself in new environments to challenge my social anxiety. The
first date I took myself on felt weird and uncomfortable, so
naturally I didn’t want to do it again the next week. I made a lot of
excuses as to why I shouldn’t do it, but ultimately I held myself
accountable to keeping my word and decided to go. In the end, I
had a good experience and was proud of myself for sticking to my
plan.
Identify what your excuses sound/look like and take personal
accountability for your life and the decisions you make.
Encourage yourself: Any good father knows when to encourage his
children, so if you are going to re-father yourself properly, you
must check-in with yourself often enough to know when you are in
need of some encouragement. Take some time out of your
day/week to speak life and encouragement to yourself. Healing
isn’t easy, but you’re doing it!
Black man, here are 5 affirmations to help you stay encouraged:
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1) I am capable.
2) I am getting better and better every day. I’m proud of myself.
3) I have everything I need within me.
4) I am powerful.
5) I am the master of my fate, no one else.
Process your emotions healthily: Unfortunately, a lot of us grow up
learning how to process our emotions negatively by internalizing
any emotions deemed “weak” and/or lashing out when we
experience difficult emotions. Part of a good re-fathering practice
includes learning how to deal with difficult emotions as they arise
instead of internalizing them and/or lashing out.
Black man, here are 5 tips for learning how to process your
emotions healthily:
Cry. It’s a powerful, self-soothing tool. It’s good for you. I talk
about crying in-depth in the second chapter.
Don’t block difficult emotions. Feel them and study your response.
How do you respond to sadness, guilt, disappointment, frustration,
anger? Why? Try to understand WHY you’re feeling the way you
feel.
Pause before making any decisions when you’re emotional.
Emotional decisions put you in a permanent reality based on a
temporary feeling.
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Don’t be afraid to ask for help if the emotions you’re experiencing
get too difficult for you to deal with alone. Asking for help doesn’t
make you weak, it makes you self-aware. Please follow the
previous guide on how to ask for help.
Be patient with yourself. Increasing your level of emotional
intelligence takes time and like I mentioned earlier in reference to
healing unhealthy attachment styles, it won’t happen overnight.
Trust the process and stick with it.
Now that I’ve covered processing your emotions healthily, we can
continue discussing how to re-father yourself.
Set and enforce your boundaries: Spend time trying to understand
your limitations and then set and enforce boundaries around
them. Most people become aware of their limitations via trial and
error, so you most likely will have a similar experience. For
example, one of my boundaries is to not go out on Sunday night
because I learned via trial and error that it leads to me waking up
late for work on Monday morning, which then disrupts the flow of
my week.
The best way to determine where you need to set boundaries in
your life is by assessing how you feel before, during and after
certain activities. One great way to enforce boundaries and get
more comfortable saying, “No,” is by wrapping your no between
two compliments. For example, if someone asks me to go out on
Sunday night, I could respond with, “I appreciate you inviting me
(compliment), but I really can’t go out tonight (no). I know y’all
are going to have fun, hopefully I can be there next time
(compliment).” I learned this strategy from listening to Magna talk
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about it during one of her IG lives (@_magnaspeaks on IG) and its
really helped me, so I wanted to share it with y’all.
Love on yourself: A lot of us go most of our lives without hearing “I
love you,” from our father, so it’s important that we emphasize
loving ourself as part of our re-fathering practice. Loving yourself
looks like giving yourself grace, speaking life into yourself via
affirmations, allowing yourself to feel emotions, practicing
self-care, congratulating yourself and more.
Now that I’ve covered re-parenting (re-mothering and
re-fathering), we can continue discussing how to heal an
anxious/insecure attachment style.
Stay disciplined: I could say this in every chapter of this book, but
it’s especially important when healing attachment styles. You
cannot expect to heal if you aren’t disciplined throughout the
process. Sometimes things may feel “weird,” or “stupid,” but I
challenge you to challenge those thoughts and stick with it. If it
doesn’t help you heal at least you were disciplined enough to try
something new.
I covered a lot in this chapter so here’s the recap of how to heal an
unhealthy attachment style:
- Identify your attachment style
- Be patient
- Reconcile childhood experiences (ACE score and self reflection
questions)
- Speak to your inner child
- Forgive yourself
- Identify your triggers
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- Expose yourself to your triggers and challenge the narrative you
tell yourself
- Research your attachment style
- Develop a self-care plan
- Re-parenting (re-mothering and re-fathering)
- Stay disciplined
Identifying and healing my attachment style has been the most
powerful part of my healing journey. It has made me deeply aware
of my subconscious and increased my emotional intelligence. It’s
difficult, but it’s so worth it, so please stick with it when it gets
tough.
In this chapter I’ve given you EVERYTHING I’ve used to heal my
attachment style and more. I know you can do it because there was
a time where I didn’t think I’d be able to do it, but here I am.
There’s a whole new life for you waiting on the other side of your
healing.
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A FINAL WORD
Whatever you do, don’t give up on yourself. I know how it feels to
be lost, confused, depressed and misunderstood. I hope this book
has helped you, I tried to give you everything I wish I knew during
my stint with depression in 2017. Have faith that things will get
better and trust that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if
you can’t see it yet.
In the near future, I’ll be writing two more ebooks - one on dating
and relationships, which will expand on the breakups chapter of
this book and dive deeper into developing healthy relationships
and another on therapy, which will teach you how to find a dope
therapist, maximize your therapy sessions, heal without therapy
and more.
If this book has helped you in any way, please leave a review. You
can do so by leaving a review on our Facebook page, “Express
Yourself Black Man,” (facebook.com/expressyourselfblackman) by
sending a DM to @expressyourselfblackman on Instagram and/or
by commenting under any of the posts that promote the book to
talk about how it has helped you. I welcome your feedback and
look forward to continuing to help you on your healing journey.
Sending you love + light.
Kizzle
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