The
Photos & Text |
Sarani Estrada
@ 2025
Voice
Hello. Nice to meet you.
“Hello…are you talking to me?”
Of course.
“But…there’s not one here!”
Perhaps I am no one.
“If that were true, I wouldn't be hearing you…Who are you?”
The better question is—what is it that you want?
“Right now? to understand who you are.”
You already know that. What do you seek?
“Me?... same as everyone: meaning.”
What does meaning mean?
“To be certain, to have a purpose—an endgame.”
If it’s a game, why do you want it to end?
“That’s just an expression.”
Do expressions change the meaning of a word?
“Yes, they do.”
Strange… so, just like you. Shifting, adapting—
Changing who you are to find meaning where there is none.
“What do you mean?”
Exactly what I said. I do not change. I do not bend.
My meaning is fixed—unchanging, complete, eternal.
“Will you tell me who you are?”
You’ll have to figure that out.
Hello...
“Oh, it’s you again.”
You don’t sound too pleased.
“I’m not!”
Why is that?
“Last time, you left me more confused than before.”
I thought I was clear. How can confuse get confuser?
“That’s not a word!”
You sound mad.
“I don’t like not knowing what’s going on.”
But you do know. You just don’t want to admit it.
“And there you go again—with your cryptic shit!”
I don’t like that word.
“Shit?”
No, cryptic. I am clear. I am simple. I am straightforward. How can I not be I?
(A huffing sound.) “This conversation is over!”
You were the one who started it.
“I did not! You said hello!”
Yes… and you answered.
Hello there…
Hello?
Hi?
Anyone out there?
“What, what?! What is it that you want now?”
To know you’re all right. Why didn’t you answer?
“I’m not fine, okay? I’m in a shitty place. I can’t work, I can’t concentrate. Your
murmurs, your doubts—they’re a constant torment. I can’t stop thinking about
what you said, and it’s driving me insane.”
You know what they say about insanity… is doing the same thing over and over and
expecting different results.
“Oh, now you’re the smart one? I thought you didn’t understand human
expressions.”
I understand that one. I like it. A lot.
“So, what are you going to tell me today to screw with my head.”
“…Hello?....Anyone in there?”
I am here.
“Where did you go?”
To find those screws you mentioned. Didn’t seem to find any in your mind.
“It was an expression!!”
Oh.
“So… what now?”
You tell me.
“You’re the one who keeps pushing me
toward something—some truth I don’t
understand. So just say it.”
I don’t need to. You already know it.
“If I knew, I wouldn’t be asking!”
But you do know. You just don’t want to
accept it.
“This is pointless. You are pointless!”
Yes! Now we’re getting somewhere.
“What?! That this whole conversation is
pointless? That the world is pointless?
That existence itself doesn’t mean
anything? That’s your grand reveal? That
was obvious already!”
“Hello?”
“Hello!!”
I am here, no need to shout.
“What’s the use of you if you don’t
answer?”
I am also in a bad place. Searching for a
way to get through to you… perhaps… I’m
insane as well?
“Oh, please. What, the voice in my head
needs therapy now? Get over yourself.
You don’t exist. You don’t matter. You
are as pathetic as myself.”
Hi?
“Helloooooo…”
“C’mon don’t be like this!”
“Hello!”
Hello to you.
“Oh! Good! Here you are!”
There I am.
“So, listen, I might have been a little brusque the last time we
talked. And I just wanted to… to apologize.”
I like that word.
“Apology?”
No, brusque, it sounds so forceful, so strong.
“That’s exactly what it means.”
Oh, goody, I’m right for once.
“Does that mean you make mistakes?”
You tell me.
“Aghhh, here we go again. Is there any way I can get a simple yes
or no from you?”
A yes is never simple. It brings expectations… consequences.
“And a no?”
Harder still. It closes possibilities.
“Ok, forget it. I think I have cracked who you are.”
You haven’t.
“You haven’t even heard my breakthrough yet.”
But I’m here. That means you are too. And that means… you still
don’t understand.
“Yes, I do! You are Death! But you’re
not here to take me—you want to
guide me... maybe even strike a
deal?”
Is that what you seek? Death? A new
beginning through an end?
“I… I must admit… I’ve thought about it.
A lot.”
If I was death, you wouldn’t be speaking.
You wouldn’t be thinking. You would
have already ceased to exist. Is that
truly what you desire?
“Sometimes…”
Why is that?
“Every time I reach for something—
riches, hope, love, meaning— it slips
away or turns hollow in my hands. The
world keeps spinning, indifferent to my
suffering, my hunger for something real.
Nothing in this world matters. Nothing is
ever enough.”
“So, if I’m chasing ghosts, I might as well
become one, don’t you think?”
I don’t think, I just am.
“So, Am I right?”
You are so right… it’s wrong.
“What are you trying to say?”
I’m not trying, I just said it.
“Well then, spell it out!”
Oh, I do like spelling! R-I-G-T… or is it RH-I-G-T?
Hello…
I haven’t heard from you in a while.
“You again.”
Why so dry? Oh, no, wait—allow me. Why so brusque?
“I’m tired of questioning myself.”
What questioning is that?
“What’s the point of it all?”
Ah. That one.
“Well?”
What if there isn’t one?
“Then… what’s the point?”
You’re asking the wrong question.
“Oh, so now there are right and wrong questions?”
There are useful and useless questions. “What’s the point?” is useless. It leads nowhere. But—
“But what?”
Try asking: What do I do now?
I stare into the darkness. My reflection watches, waiting.
“What do I do now?”
Now…you decide.
Hello.
“Heyyyy, hello back, sexy!”
You sound… cheerful.
“Yes! Hahaha, yeah, I am!”
Huh. That’s new. What’s got you all giddy?
“I have decided. I finally decided—to tell you
to go to hell. Fuck this and fuck you!”
(A loud slurp. Ice rattling in a glass.)
“I’m sticking with my miserable life—no
changes, no more questions. I’m done. This
is just how it is... Ohhh, I love this song!
Listen to this!”
Hello again.
I cannot hear myself over your noise.
“Shhh, don’t talk so loud.”
“That’s the point, gorgeous. Now let’s
celebrate! Uh huuuu! You just sit pretty and
watch me dance!”
I wasn’t. You sound… not cheerful.
…Okay.
“I’m not. I’m paying for last night.”
What—
“Before you ask, it means I’ve got a
hangover. Made some questionable
choices. Went a little too hard on the
booze, maybe some other things.”
Sorry about that. First time this happened?
“Please. I wish.”
I see… so, if you knew the result, then why
repeat it?
“Why not? I’m talking to a voice in my head,
what other proof do you need that I’m
insane!”
Oh, I don’t need proof. You do.
“Unbelievable. Just… leave me alone!”
I’m not sure I follow.
“What, what, what is it you don’t get?!
Leave. Me. The fuck. Alone.”
You know I can’t just leave—not until you
understand.
And besides… you’re already lonely. How
could I possibly make you more alone than
you already are?
“Hello?”
“Helloooo?”
Hello. I’m here.
“Are you? Is ‘here’ inside me or around me?”
What difference does it make? How are you feeling?
“Are feelings ever useful?”
Yes, they are a window into your state of mind.
“Which mind is that? The one that speaks or the one that listens?
Or is it the one who talks to himself?”
You’re too hard on yourself. Ever wonder why?
“Why not?”
Maybe you should say what you’re thinking now.
“Am I thinking or am I just being?”
Both, I guess…
“Is a guess ever truly knowing, or just a way to admit uncertainty?”
(Silence.)
“… Hello?”
Are you answering all my questions with a question?
“Am I?”
Nice…
“What is nice?”
You, trying to play me.
“Oh, so you admit you are a game?”
I never said that.
“Didn’t you?”
We’re getting nowhere.
“Are you sure?”
Yes I am!
(A pause)
You’re grinning.
“Am I?”
“Helloooo!”
“Come on! Answer me already!”
“I’m done playing, I swear.”
“I think I know who you aaaare!”
Oh? And who am I?
“There you are! I was afraid to admit it before—your feminine tone threw me
off a little. But I’m ready now. I’m just gonna say it—”
“You’re God!”
God? (A pause.) Who’s that?
“What do you mean, ‘who’s that?’ How on earth could you not know who
God is?”
Enlighten me.
“Well, he's the Creator of everything, I guess. Some say God's just a human
invention, others believe he's the most powerful force in the universe. He's
hope when everything's falling apart, faith in this crushing reality. Some see
God as a person, others see him in nature. He's got a lot of names, you know
—Muhammad, Buddha, Krishna. Hell, some might agree that you, this voice
I’m hearing, is God.”
I am not.
“Oh wow, a straight answer for once!”
It’s not an answer if you didn’t ask a question.
“Touché! Anyway, it’s kinda nice hearing you talk in absolutes. It feels… comforting,
somehow.”
I suppose that’s a good thing. So, tell me more about this God.
“What do you wanna know?”
Everything.
“Ha! Well, He is everything and nothing. He is nowhere and everywhere. He is existence
and hollow emptiness. How’s that?”
Why is it a He?
“Yeah, good question. God's almost always depicted as male. Probably just cultural, or
maybe it's habit. Maybe power and authority have been tied to the image of a man for
so long, people stopped questioning it.”
Maybe. Or maybe God is just whatever you need Him—it—to be.
“I like that.” (A pause.)
“So, if you’re not God, then my question doesn’t matter.”
Which question?
“What’s the meaning of life?”
Ah, that old chestnut. Hold on, let me dust off my thesaurus of existential clichés.
“Hilarious. But seriously—is there an answer?”
There is. And it’s tied to the same reason people picture God as a man.
“And that is?”
Perspective.
“Huh… and here I thought I’d get some clarity for once.” (Snorts.) “Alright, I have
another question.”
A better one, I hope.
“I don’t know. I guess that depends on your perspective.”
(A brief silence, then—)
“Wait… was that a chuckle? Can you—can you actually laugh?”
I guess I can now.
“Interesting. So… that means you’re changing? You said you were a constant. If I
remember correctly, you said ‘I don’t bend.’”
I know what I said…
“Well then?”
(Silence.)
“Hello?... “Hello…?”
Hello
there!
Good evening… I know you’re
there. I can feel you.
Hellooooo. Why won’t you
answer me?
“This is not... a good time!”
Why not?
“I’m busy!”
“I’m not talking to anyone
hon, just relax.”
But you are talking. To me.
“I wasn’t talking to you, but to my companion!”
“No, no. I’m just mumbling to myself, keep going, baby, you feel so good...”
Oh? So you think I’m good?
“Jesus Fuck!”
“Nothing! Just—keep doing that. Oh, yes, yes—that!”
What is it that I’m doing?
“Not now! ok?”
“I meant—yes, yes, baby. Hmmm, ufff… yeah, yeah, that’s it, I’m almost there.”
Ahh, you sound so sure, so close to realization. That’s wonderful. That means you finally
understand why I’m here?
“Ah-ha! YES!”
Perfect! Just say it. Ask the question and I’ll be gone… forever.
“The question?”
“Nothing baby —shit!”
“I… I don’t know what happened. I swear this has never happened to me before.”
“No, forget it, just… come here.”
Where do you want me to go?
“Not you! You get the fuck out!”
“No, not you baby, I wasn’t talking to you…”
“Please, please don’t leave, come back—COME ON!!”
Come where? I haven’t gone anywhere.
“Fuck me!”
I’m not sure I can help with that…
“Hello?” Hello there.
“You did that on purpose, didn’t you. You
interrupted me out of spite for calling you out on
laughing. Typical woman.”
Interesting.
“What is?”
That women are typical. Why is that?
“Because they just are. Complicated as hell,
overthink everything, hold grudges like it’s a sport.
Impossible to read, impossible to deal with.”
So now you think I’m a woman… Who could I be?
“Oh, hell no. We are not going there. You’re not
her, okay? You are not the spirit of my wife. She
was one of a kind. And I’m done talking about
her.”
Then whom am I?
“I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what you
are, or who the hell you’re supposed to be. But if
we’re going to keep this up, we need to lay down
some ground rules.”
Why do rules have to be on the ground? Wouldn’t
they be easier to read if we put them somewhere
higher?
“Oh, don’t start. Don’t you even—just listen! You
will never, and I mean never, say hello to me first.
Got it? You wait until I contact you. I don’t need
you popping in during a work meeting, or a
conversation, or—hell—even a trivial moment.
Are we clear?”
I am clear. But you still aren’t.
“Aghhhh! Just repeat after me: I promise never to
say hello to Marlo first. I will wait until he contacts
me.”
I promise never to say hello to Marlo first. I will wait
until he contacts me.
“Thank you! Wow. That was way easier than I
expected. Alright, I gotta run—talk to you later.”
Hola!
Nǐ hǎo.
Namaste.
Bonjour.
Marhaban.
“Stop it! What the fuck is your problem?? What part of never contacting me first didn’t you
understand??”
I said I would never say hello first.
“Hello, hola, bonjour—same shit! You cannot contact me first, understand?!”
But I’m not contacting you. I’m contacting myself.
“...What the hell does that even mean? You know what? Forget it. Don’t answer. I’m on my
way to a budget meeting, I don’t have time for this shit. Get out of my head. Now.”
I’m not in your head. I think I’m… somewhere else.
“Jesus Christ! Wherever the hell you are, stay out!”
Who is this Jesus you keep mentioning? How do you spell its name? S-h-e-e-z-u-s?
(Silence.)
Hello?
Hellooooo… Are you there?
Where are you? Hmmmm, and where Am I?
Marlo?
Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo,
Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo, Mar—
“ENOUGH!”
“Sorry Mr. Smith I didn’t mean you. No, no, I wasn’t speaking to you.”
You weren’t? Who was it then?
“I—I just… it was a random thought in my head. I—I'm sorry.”
(A pause.)
“No, yes, I swear I’m ok.”
(Another pause.)
“Yes, yes, I can do this presentation. I won’t let you down. I know how much this means to the
company.”
Company? Yes, of course, I can keep you company, Marlo.
Always.
“Whaaaaupp, gorg?”
Are you speaking to me?
“Who elssssse?”
You sound… weird.
“Meeee? Weirder than the shit you… you say… you say… to… me?”
You’re doing that again.
“Wha… what you talkin’ ‘bout?”
That thing that gives you… what’s the word? oh, a hangover. Why would you
do that to yourself?
“Don’ knoooow… Maybe…”
Yes?
“MAYBE… ‘Cause I jus’ lost my fuh— (hic) —king job?!? Hahahaha! My fucking
job! Gone. Pfffffft. Vanished. Poof.”
Marlo—
“MAYBE…Maybe ‘cause I keep hearin’ a FUCKING voice in my head!!!!”
Are you all right? Want me to call for help?
“HahahahaHAHAHAHA! Shure, hon! Go ‘head! YOU… hahaha… YOU CALL! Go
on! Call ‘em up! Tell ‘em allll about Marlo and his invisible little friend!”
(A sudden screech. A loud crash—metal crunching, glass shattering.)
“SHIT! Ouch!!! Fuuuuck me!”
What just happened?
“Nothin’ much! Just, uh… hit a tree. Pffff. Ohhh shit.”
What? What?
“I think… I think that’s blood.”
(A slow inhale.)
“I just… I jus’ touched my forehead an’ my fingers’re full of blood.”
Marlo?
“I don’t feel—”
Marlo! Hello?
MARLOOOOOO!!
“Hello.”
“Hello.”
“Are you there?”
“...So… are you gone?”
“Hello.”
“I know you’re there. You don’t have to hide.”
I don’t?
“No. If you’re going to leave, then really leave.
No pretending. No silent games. Why are you
hiding?”
Because I don’t want you hurting yourself
again.
“It was an accident!”
It wasn’t, Marlo.
(A deep sigh.) “I was just… so tired, Voice.
Tired of everything.”
“I’m better now though. You know, all this
time in the hospital gave me plenty of space
to think—about us, about everything we’ve
talked about. You said I needed to come up
with a question. But… is that question
supposed to be about me? Or about you?”
Now that—that’s a useful question.
“It is?” (A pause.)
“Okay… so, you said you’re not in my head. But
I feel you in it. Which means maybe…”
Yes, Marlo?
“Maybe you’re just… a reflection.”
Well, finally! Now we’re getting somewhere.
“Is that a smile I hear, Voice?”
Can you hear it? Fascinating. Can you also
see the wind howling through the trees?
Smell sadness lingering in the air? Taste a
sunset melting on your tongue?
“You know… I think you can.”
You are right.
“How come?”
I can almost taste how happy you are now.
“Hello Voice!”
Hello Marlo!
“I had a wonderful date last night.”
Did you?
“I think I’m in love Voice.”
With whom?
“With you. With life. With the way the world feels lighter. With myself. With this girl
I’ve met.”
So, this girl—she’s not as complicated as the others?
“No. She’s exactly like the others.”
I’m afraid I don’t understand.
“It was never their flaws—it was the way I saw them. I cast them in shadow, even
when they were standing in the light. I've realized now... the world isn’t just one
fixed monolith. It’s a kaleidoscope, changing with every shift in perspective.”
“If you look for goodness, you’ll hear it in the quiet moments. If you offer kindness,
its sweetness will touch your tongue. And if you open your heart to joy… happiness
will fill your lungs like the crisp air of dawn.”
That’s… poetic. It doesn’t sound like you... At all.
“Maybe not the old me. But ever since I started writing again, I’ve been learning
more about myself.”
And what have you learned?
“That I am both the mirror and the reflection. That you Voice, are a reality turned
into a dream. A nightmare that became a blessing.”
(A pause… a sigh.)
“That I will wake up now, and you’ll leave.”
Why would I leave?
“Because I finally know what it is I seek.”
I open my eyes. The room is the same,
dimly lit, shadows flickering at the edges.
My reflection stares back from the dark
window. A little too still. A little too
knowing.
Do you know who I am Marlo?
My throat tightens. I do. Of course I do.
I swallow hard.
“You’re me.”
Yes. And now, tell me the real question.
I whisper it. A breath, barely a sound.
“Who am I?”
Exactly.
Sarani Estrada Gil
saraniestrada@gmail.com