How to
WRITE THE PERFECT
PERSONAL ESSAY
for U.S. colleges
Contents
01 02 03
04 05 06
Introduction
Making your essay work
Writing crash course 101
The purpose of the essay
A checklist:
Essay types
Finding your voice:
Basic grammar and style
Self-edit your work
Take your time
What to avoid in your essay
Essay Case Studies
Final Thoughts
Six examples of essays used
in successful applications
Closing statements
Important things to keep in mind when
writing your essay
2
01
Introduction
The US college application process is
stressful for anyone. But it’s especially
stressful if you don’t know what your
dream school is looking for.
Elite colleges recognise that they are
responsible for making you feel the
overwhelming pressure of being
beyond perfect.
Are your scores high enough? Are your
extracurriculars diverse enough? Are
your grades good enough?
While academics are still very important,
many US colleges now focus on a more
balanced application process. They
emphasize what you as an individual
have to offer to their school.
The insane levels of competition to
get into elite US colleges serve only to
heighten those anxieties.
Maybe you’ve helplessly wondered to
yourself, “What chance do I have when
Ivy League schools accept 8.5% of
applicants on average?”
You’ve probably concluded that if you
don’t have a perfect 1600 or 36 ACT and
perfect extracurriculars, then you don’t
have a chance, right?
They don’t just care about your scores
or your lists of accomplishments. They
care about what makes you tick, what
makes you think, what makes you cry or
celebrate. They care about who you are.
The best way to communicate who you
are in your application is through your
personal essay.
Wrong.
As you probably already know, you won’t
get accepted to college on the strength
of your essay alone.
The entire application process is
changing.
But it is also the only way that your voice
can be heard by admissions officers.
Without it, all colleges have to help them
make their decisions are your numbers
- numbers of activities, numbers of A’s,
and SAT numbers, to name a few. These
application criteria are the metrics used
to compare you to other applicants.
The essay gives those metrics colour.
It can also make a significant difference
to your application at highly-competitive
schools, particularly if you fall just short
of the expected admissions metrics or if
your metrics align with those of another
applicant.
A great essay might leapfrog you over
other candidates with superior test
scores and grades because it shows, for
example, your strong moral compass
and leadership abilities, making you
ultimately more attractive than someone
with a higher SAT score than you have.
The essay can also help colleges
understand why you’ve chosen to apply
to their school and why you’d make a
great addition on campus.
Accordingly, this eBook will cover the
most important factors in a college
essay, including:
•
What colleges look for when reading
personal statements
•
Crafting your own personal
statement
•
Becoming a better writer
•
What successful essays look like
And finally, we’ll give you six – yes,
SIX – unique personal statements from
successful applicants. All of these
examples are originals from our archives,
which haven’t been shared online before.
The guidance in this eBook will work
to make you a much more competitive
applicant, as long as you take our advice
to heart and don’t forget to put in plenty
of work on your own! In this way, you can
get a leg-up on being accepted to your
dream school.
3
02
Making your
essay work
Before you start hammering away on
the keyboard about the time that you
saved a kitten from a tree, you need to
understand what makes your essay work.
Work, in this instance, means an essay
that meets, or even exceeds, the
expectations of the admissions officer.
So how do we help you make your
essay work?
4
Yale’s
admission
officer
Current
Harvard
student
Top Crimson
admissions
consultant
Here’s what Yale’s admissions officer
has to say on this subject:
A current Harvard student emphasized
other essential aspects of the essay:
“We know that no one can fit an entire
life story into two brief essays, and we
don’t expect you to try. Pick a topic
that will give us an idea of who you
are. It doesn’t matter which topic you
choose, as long as it is meaningful to
you. We have read wonderful essays
on common topics and weak essays on
highly unusual ones. Your perspective
– the lens through which you view your
topic – is far more important than the
specific topic itself.
“Good writing is essential. A wellwritten essay can take a mediocre
topic and turn it into something
compelling. It doesn’t have to be
written like Hemingway either – lyrical,
playful, or artistic writing is great, but
not necessary. Don’t forget to include
the key takeaways from whatever
experience you write about – the better
the insight, the better the admissions
officer’s perception of the applicant
will be. Finally, make sure you justify
your application to some degree. Does
your essay clarify why you want to go to
college? And what you’ll contribute to
the campus when you arrive?”
And finally, a quotation from a
top admissions consultant at Crimson
Education, who has helped students
gain admission to Harvard, Stanford,
and MIT:
In the past, students have written about
family situations, ethnicity or culture,
school or community events to which
they have had strong reactions, people
who have influenced them, significant
experiences, intellectual interests,
personal aspirations, or – more
generally – topics that spring from the
life of the imagination.”
“Exhibiting personal growth is a key
element of a great essay. An interesting
personal experience is a solid starting
point, but without bringing the narrative
to a fulfilling conclusion – a lesson
learned, improvements made, a mission
to do better in the future or help improve
others – the essay will seem incomplete.”
31,445
Yale applicants
1,373
Admissions
39,041
Harvard applicants
2,106
Admissions
5
Key indicators
Soft indicators
Let’s unpack
These comments reveal three key
indicators of a strong essay:
But we also found four soft indicators
that you won’t see quoted from any
admissions officer. These are features of
an application that admissions officers
seek out in general – but you can include
them in the essay to give your application
an extra edge.
What have we got here?
They are:
What do they mean exactly and how can
you demonstrate them in your essay?
They are:
1.
Individuality, relevance, and novelty
when choosing your topic
2.
Insight, reflection, and personal
growth from the central theme or
experience
3.
Careful, compelling, and wellconstructed writing
1.
Intellectual curiosity
2.
Passionate involvement in a certain
area, or a special talent, and how it
has impacted your worldview
3.
What you’ll take from and bring to
your college campus (especially in
supplementary essays)
4.
Your most important relationships –
with a parent, a sibling, your religion,
or your culture
It’s a checklist for writing a strong
personal essay.
So, let’s put a little more meat on the
bones of these indicators.
6
Key Indicator #1
Individuality, relevance, and novelty
when choosing your topic.
“
”
Remember:
Setup, Conflict, Resolution.
What life experiences up to this point
have had a profound impact on you?
What have you done, seen, read, or
created that changed how you see the
world?
The conflict delves into the story’s point
of inflection, when things begin changing
because of some central challenge
or event. Character development is
essential here.
The experience you choose to write
about must be relevant to how you
have become the person you are today,
and it should give your reader an idea
about what matters most to you. What
relationships in your life have most
powerfully shaped you? Your topic
will be engaging to the reader if it’s
engaging to you.
The story’s resolution brings everything
to a close, but it doesn’t have to be
conclusive, considering you are trying
to take the next steps of your journey
in college! You should aim to provide a
reader with a solution to the conflict or
challenge you described, and some sort
of closure or vision for the future.
Your essay can be a narrative – it can
tell a meaningful story. In fact, having
a clear storyline can be very valuable.
Remember the classic narrative form:
setup, conflict, and resolution.
•
A defining experience you’ve had at
home, at school, or abroad
•
How you learned some new truth
about the world
•
A time when you failed miserably
and what it meant to you
•
A lesson taught to you by a
family member or member of the
community
The setup introduces the main characters
and foreshadows the upcoming conflict
or main issue – this could be a point of
growth for you.
With that in mind, your essay shouldn’t
read like a résumé; it should read like
a person wrote it. Show what you’ve
learned by describing your insights.
Don’t tell what you’ve done by listing
events in an aimless sequence.
You might write a story about:
7
Key Indicator #2
Insight, reflection, and personal growth
from the central theme or experience.
You need more than a compelling topic.
You need more than a description of an
experience. You need to demonstrate
your ability to gain insight into your
experience; to learn, grow, and reflect.
“ ”
Show your understanding,
don’t retell an event.
An event in your life may have been
very significant to you, but if you haven’t
learned anything about yourself or the
world, then the experience will come
across as meaningless.
The construction of an insight is fairly
straightforward. Your essay should
demonstrate a clear progression of past,
present, and future. In the past, I had this
experience. In the present I now have
this insight, and in the future I want to
do that differently. This is in line with the
storytelling framework we established
above.
It is crucial that your insights be
appropriate in scope. Your insights
should be personal, reflective, and
specific. No one expects you to suddenly
understand mankind or the meaning
of life – “now I see that all people are
connected” or some other cliché –
but rather, what you have learned
about yourself, your family, or your
neighborhood.
to overcome a childhood stutter, or the
understanding that you can use your
struggle to teach and help others in the
community, or the awakening that came
from finding parts of the character in
yourself.
It is also important to illustrate how your
topic – an experience, a relationship,
or something else – has driven your
personal growth. What personal growth
really translates to is gaining perspective:
contextualizing yourself and your
experiences in the world around you,
how your actions impact others, and how
your experiences contribute to a richer
understanding of who you are.
With that in mind, consider this: the
topic of the essay isn’t as important
as the insight you draw from it. The
essay can be about shopping at a
supermarket, but if it tells your story, or it
reveals something profound about your
character, then it’s a successful essay.
Remember that this essay is about you
and what you’ve experienced, not about
the experience itself. For example, an
essay about a first-place performance of
a Shakespearean monologue should not
focus on the performance itself, or the
accolade, or what the judges thought.
Instead, it should prioritize the struggle
8
Key Indicator #3
Careful, compelling, and wellconstructed writing.
Your writing needs to be clean.
“ ”
Give meaning to every line
and stay on topic.
You need to clearly communicate the
main idea of your essay. Whatever your
key insight or big takeaway is, your
writing must be clear and organized to
get the idea across.
Each sentence must have clear meaning
and should clearly relate to your topic.
Do not generalize the thoughts or
feelings that you describe: you should
use detailed descriptions. Do not
vaguely mention your experience –
“the Shakespeare competition made
me appreciate theater”. Do specifically
describe your insights – “the competition
made me realize that theater gives me
more than a basic understanding of
others; the constant character work has
pointed me towards a deeper familiarity
with my own character, and how I relate
to others”.
Your essay should stay on-topic
throughout. A well-structured essay
means a logical progression of
descriptions, ideas, and conclusions.
Do the work of organizing for your reader
– do not make them wonder how one
paragraph relates to another. Your essay
should not be confusing to read.
Your writing also needs to be checked
perfectly for spelling and grammar. This
means no typos, appropriate use of
syntax, and correct grammar. Your essay
should clearly communicate that it is a
product that you have put significant time
and thought into. It should not appear
sloppy, careless, or thrown together,
because the reader will project those
qualities onto you.
9
Supplementary
essay types
Usually, each college you apply to
requires you to submit one or two
additional essays on top of the Common
App that specifically focus on their
school: these are called supplements.
There are three general types of prompts
for supplement essays, each of which
requires a different approach.
to write about one of the stronger
aspects of your application. This topic is
an opportunity to discuss your insights
into an experience or event in your life
different from the one you described in
your Common App. Focus on one or two
of your central values or goals. Do not try
to tell your entire life story. Be personal
and vulnerable. No clichés.
The three types of essay:
Here’s an example.
1.
Be wary of the open-ended prompt since
it may be difficult to cover cohesively.
You can’t describe everything about
yourself that might “contribute to our
community” in one essay, but you can
certainly talk about one thing in great
depth. Make sure to stay structured and
on-topic.
The ‘you’ essay: this essay asks you
to tell the university about yourself.
The college wants to know you
better and understand how
your specific characteristics and
experiences align with the college’s
culture and values.
Example: “The University of Texas at
Austin values a diversity of interests.
What contributions might you make to
our community outside of academic
excellence?”
This is your chance to distinguish yourself
from other applicants. Since there are
no specific guidelines, you can choose
2.
The ‘why us?’ essay (only for
supplemental essays): this essay
asks why you’ve chosen to apply to
this particular college and what your
goals are if you study at this campus.
Example: “How did you become
interested in Swarthmore?”
Whereas the previous essay type gave
you an opportunity to speak broadly
about your abilities, this topic provides
a chance to narrow in on why and how
this college aligns with your path. It also
allows you to show off your specific
knowledge of the college, and why its
majors, programs, and campus culture fit
your interests perfectly.
Make sure you thoroughly research this
section. Factual blunders will almost
surely eliminate you. It can be difficult to
align your unique qualities with generic
university requirements, so make sure to
be specific. If possible, visit the college in
person to get a sense of the campus and
its resources. But the college’s website
is also a great starting point. Look for
one or two programs that align with your
interest. Your mission is to find a reason
why only this school can truly fulfill your
goals and interests. These programs
should be unique to that school.
For example, you don’t just want to go to
Duke because of their great economics
major – every comparable school has the
same major. Instead, you’re interested
in the specific opportunity that Duke
provides to combine the B.S. in Finance
10
with the B.A. in Econ because you
want to study market implications of
industrial labor decisions.
Be careful not to tell the college things
they already know. The essay is about
you, not about the college. Don’t
talk about the programs themselves;
talk about how your values or goals
specifically align with the programs.
3.
The Creative essay: this essay
evaluates your ability to think
beyond the scope of the two other
more common essay formats,
testing whether you’re merely
copying your essays from other
schools’ prompts.
Example: “What is square one, and can
you actually go back to it?” (University
of Chicago, class of 2021 admissions)
This essay type is an opportunity to
shine a light on your personality, views,
and creativity. Not only does it make you
think outside the box [pardon the pun]
of traditional prompts, but it forces you
to link your traditional insights to more
abstract concepts or questions.
These essays can be difficult because
they often lead to confusing, obtuse, or
unspecific writing. Make sure you make
an argument about why your experience
or insight connects to the topic.
Remember to backup your argument
with sufficiently clear detail.
Think creatively, sure, but don’t let your
essay drift off into the realm of fantasy.
Stay informed and accurate.
Exercise common sense. Avoid selfindulgence and eccentricity. No one
cares about you pontificating on highminded subjects or bragging about your
experience to exotic locales.
Don’t forget: at top schools, admissions
officers read thousands of essays. If yours
is boring, impersonal, or badly written,
they may not even read the whole thing.
The University of Chicago is renowned for its
provocative extended essay questions. Take a look at
some of their mind-cookers from 2016-2017:
•
Alice falls down the rabbit hole. Milo drives through
the tollbooth. Dorothy is swept up in the tornado.
Neo takes the red pill. Don’t tell us about another
world you’ve imagined, heard about, or created.
Rather, tell us about its portal. Sure, some people
think of the University of Chicago as a portal to
their future, but please choose another portal to
write about.
•
Vestigiality refers to genetically determined
structures or attributes that have apparently lost
most or all of their ancestral function, but have
been retained during the process of evolution. In
humans, for instance, the appendix is thought to be
a vestigial structure. Describe something vestigial
(real or imagined) and provide an explanation for
its existence.
—Inspired by Tiffany Kim, Class of 2020
11
03
Writing crash
course 101
An important function of your application
essay is proving that you can write. Not
just that you can put words on a page,
but that you capably weave a narrative
arc through a personal experience that
doesn’t repeat itself, utilizes syntactic
diversity (not just “I did this,” then “I did
that”), and exhibits precise word choice
(did you say “it was loud in the theater”
when you meant “the theater broke out
into pandemonium”?).
You’re going to be writing a lot in
college, so it’s paramount that your
essay shows you can efficiently and
effectively communicate written ideas.
Bring your A-game.
This section is dedicated to giving
you a booster course in the solid
fundamentals for writing a high
quality essay.
12
Finding your
voice
Writing, like music, makes people feel.
Powerful prose can raise goose bumps
on your skin.
Yet, the choice of words, or their order,
are not the cause of the emotions.
The tone and voice are paramount.
Tone is how a passage of writing makes
you feel. Ask yourself when trying
to identify the tone of the writing: is
the language formal or informal? Is it
complex or simplified? Am I the target
audience? These questions can assist you
in identifying tone.
Voice is a quality that lets the reader
know you wrote it. Ever tried to tell
somebody else’s story? It’s wildly difficult
to do because you will always add your
own flavour to the story. Same with
writing: voice is your unique personality
shining through the words and igniting
your reader’s imagination.
You know when you’re reading
Hemingway.
They don’t waste time, are smart,
and hate things that are overcomplicated.
And you know when you’re reading a
Buzzfeed article.
Because each has a defined voice.
Voice is utterly crucial to your personal
essay because it conveys your
personality–exactly what admissions
officers are looking for.
4.
Write down five publications or
authors that you like to read and
examine them. What are their
similarities and differences? How
does their writing intrigue you?
5.
List your favourite artistic or cultural
influences. They can be bands,
painters, YouTubers, or anything
in-between. How do they express
themselves? Why do you like them?
6.
Ask your friends and family
to describe your voice. What
impression do you give others?
7.
Sit down and just write anything
for 5 minutes. Literally anything.
Then read it and ask: “When I write,
do I sound like this or do I censor
myself?”
8.
Make yourself vulnerable. You
should feel nervous, afraid, or
worried when you submit your
writing. If you feel calm about your
writing, then nothing personal is at
stake.
Every writer has a voice. It is inseparable
from you as a person.
How do I find my voice?
It’s simple. Here are eight easy exercises
to help you identify
your voice.
1.
Describe yourself in three adjectives:
e.g. ambitious, fun, and charismatic.
2.
Read something you wrote a while
ago and ask yourself: “Is this how I
talk?”
3.
Describe your ideal reader, someone
who’d come back to read more from
you. For example: my ideal reader
has a sense of humour, understands
pop culture, and loves technology.
Once you’ve found your voice . . .
Continue to develop it.
Starting early on your college application
is important, so that you have enough
time to develop your voice in the essay.
13
Basic grammar and style
Grammar
Now that you have found your voice,
let’s look at some of the fundamentals of
grammar and style.
You can find resources on grammar at
the end of this chapter, which will help
if you’re struggling with more intense
areas of the subject, such as verb mood,
subordinate clauses, and coordinate
versus non-coordinate adjectives.
Is the clause that I’m using essential to
the sentence?
We’ll also skip the basics, like what is a
sentence and what is a clause, as you’ve
probably got them covered.
For example: The car that I want is out of
my price range. (essential)
For example: The car, which is only two
years old, sold for $2,000. (non-essential)
Like any good coach will tell you, solid
fundamentals are the building blocks
of talent.
As an example, Picasso spent his early
years as an artist mastering traditional
styles and techniques, such as realism,
portraits, and landscapes, before he
pioneered Cubism.
Grammar is the system and structure
behind language – the source code.
It’s a series of “rules” that guide the
composition of words and help
readers to understand your message
in the writing.
Style is the effective expression of
thought through writing. It’s your
choice of words, sentence structure,
and paragraphing; style helps to
convey meaning.
Instead, let’s look at some of the things
that trip most people up; knowing about
them will dramatically improve your
writing.
That vs. which
This one can be confusing. Where do
you put that or which in a multi-clause
sentence?
Let’s look at their definitions:
If yes, THAT
If no, WHICH
For example: The kitten that has white
paws is the one I want (essential)
For example: The kitten, which was my
favourite, greedily ate her dinner (nonessential clause)
Improper commas
Some writers use far too many commas,
and some barely use them at all.
That introduces a restrictive clause.
Correct comma placement subtly shows
the reader that you know your stuff.
Which introduces a non-restrictive clause.
Let’s look at some examples:
Confused? Well, that’s grammar for you.
The easiest way to remember this
information is replace the word restrictive
with essential.
•
Introductory words, phrases and
clauses need commas.
14
Style
Incorrect: To become a good writer I
must practice.
Correct: To become a good writer, I
must practice.
•
Non-essential information can be
cordoned off with commas.
Incorrect: Manu Ginobli who was
born in Argentina is a shooting
guard for the San Antonio Spurs.
Correct: Manu Ginobli, who was
born in Argentina, is a shooting
guard for the San Antonio Spurs.
•
Essential information does not
require commas.
Incorrect: The boys, who vandalised
the garden, are in police custody.
Correct: The boys who vandalised
the garden are in police custody.
•
Commas before direct quotation.
Incorrect: Descartes said “I think,
therefore I am.”
Correct: Descartes said, “I think,
therefore I am.”
Hyphenation
Always hyphenate adjectives that
describe nouns. It helps clarify your
meaning.
Okay, so what is good style? Well . . .
Good style expresses your message to
the reader simply, clearly, and concisely.
It keeps the reader attentive, engaged,
and interested. And it shows your writing
skills, knowledge, and ability.
Bad style fails at one, two, or all three of
these areas.
For example: I put on my taped-together
black horn-rimmed glasses.
Keep this in mind as you write. You make
stylistic choices for the reader, not your
ego. If the reader doesn’t understand
your message, your style has failed.
Don’t forget to include a hyphen even if
a word interrupts your descriptors.
The basics of good style include:
For example: The decision will impact
our short- and long-term financial
prospects.
•
Using straightforward and simple
language.
•
Writing trim, lean, and punchy
sentences balanced with the
occasional long sentence for flavour.
•
Avoiding redundancies. For
example: ready, willing, and able all
mean the same thing.
•
Cutting out excessive qualification.
For example: I have very many
reasons for this.
These lists can go on forever, so . . .
•
Comma splice: A comma can’t join
two main clauses.
Incorrect: Circumstances forced me
into homelessness, nevertheless I
kept up my studies.
Correct: Circumstances forced me
into homelessness; nevertheless, I
kept up my studies.
Here are some online resources with
great search functions that can further
assist with grammar and style.
Daily Writing Tips
GrammarBook
•
Using parallel forms.
•
Using the active over passive voice.
E.g. “I loved Sally”; not “Sally was
loved by me”.
Also, style differs from voice.
Style is how you choose and position
your words on the page to convey the
overall message, while voice is what
makes your writing distinctly you.
People can imitate your style, but they
can’t imitate your voice.
15
How to self-edit
Editing your work is crucial to cleanly
convey your message.
A first draft is never good and it will never
get you into a top college.
To give you an idea, most writers, editors,
and organisations recommend at least
two to four rounds of edits before
publishing.
Editing also requires an analytical type of
brainpower that differs from the creative
side of writing.
Think of yourself as switching on a
program in your brain called wordsweep.
exe.
Here are five quick tips to help you edit
your own essay before you get someone
else to review it:
1.
Trim filler words.
Common culprits include: There, it, here.
They refer to nouns in your sentence,
which means the sentence can be
rewritten. Words like this rely on other
filler words to help your sentence make
sense – such as who, that and when. If
college application isn’t “very scary”;
it’s “terrifying”.
you’re seeing these words a lot, then
rewrite that sentence.
•
Example: There are writers who
seem to think prose is easy.
4.
•
Correction: Some writers think
prose is easy.
Get your words to the gym and burn off
that fat.
•
Example: It’s fun to go to college.
•
Correction: College is fun.
2.
Make your verbs punch.
Example: She is writing her
application.
•
Correction: She writes her
application.
•
Example: People are in love
with yo-yos.
•
Correction: People love yo-yos.
3.
Kill flimsy adjectives.
Weak adjectives drain the power of
your words. The writer isn’t “really
bad”; the writer is “terrible”. Your
Example: Alcohol is the cause of
hangovers.
•
Correction: Alcohol causes
hangovers.
• Example: But the fact of the matter
is, Pepsi tastes better.
• Correction: But Pepsi tastes better.
• Example: You’re going to have to
edit your work.
Inexperienced writers tend to soften
their words. They let various verb forms
(predominately to be) weaken the impact
of their writing, instead of letting the verb
do what it does best – show ACTION.
•
Burn flabby words.
•
• Correction: You must edit your
work.
• Example: Due to the fact that
editing takes time...
• Correction: Because editing takes
time...
5.
Get to the point.
This is called nominalisation. It’s when
the writer uses a weaker noun when a
stronger verb or adjective replacement
would make things much clearer and
more punchy.
•
Example: Give your essay a
proofread.
•
Correction: Proofread your essay.
16
Take your time
Most applicants neglect their essay when
preparing their college application.
So essentially, allow 6 to 12 hours to
work on each essay.
To give yourself a head start, don’t make
that mistake.
Depending upon the colleges that you
apply to, you may have to prepare up to
5 essays.
It’s going to take some time to craft
a tailored response for your targeted
college.
Follow these steps when crafting your
essay:
•
Brainstorm ideas and develop core
messages (3–6 hours)
•
Write your first draft (up to 4 hours)
•
Edit the second draft (1.5 hours of
intense work)
•
Get your second draft reviewed
(variable)
•
Write your final copy (1–2 hours)
That will give you a full week’s worth of
work to do, even if you only focus on
writing essays!
So remember, take your time.
Plan and prepare.
26.2%
College-level students’ writing
classed as ‘deficient’.
<50%
College seniors say their writing
improved during college.
17%
College freshman need remedial
writing class.
Skip any step and you’ll lower the quality
of your final output and, therefore, your
chances of success.
17
04
What to avoid
in your essay
It is all too easy to flub your admissions
essay. Admissions officers can smell a
bad topic choice and weak writing from
a mile away.
The first three chapters of this eBook
were dedicated to making sure that
doesn’t happen to you.
However, we should take a closer
look at what would immediately
disqualify your essay from contention.
18
Being too
personal
Showing bad
judgement
Being
overconfident
Admissions officers want to see your
personality, but they don’t want you to
cross personal boundaries.
As much as taking an illicit substance
may have changed your perspective
on life, it’s definitely not material for the
personal essay.
You can believe in yourself, but no one
likes a show-off. Your achievements are
self-evident in
the rest of your application. It’s far better
to talk about a moment of doubt or a
setback than to pat yourself on the back.
You’ll find it hard to believe, but far too
often, essays can wander into the realm
of TMI (Too Much Information!).
Admission officers have read essays from
students where they have talked about
losing their virginity, love interests or
partners, and illegal activities.
Use common sense. Ask yourself: does
this topic, or do the details I’ve included,
actually help a reader understand me
better? Would I feel comfortable with
someone I only just met reading this? If
the answer is no, then you should choose
a different approach.
Don’t do it.
However, it’s not just stories about drugs
that show bad judgement. Making up a
story about yourself or copying someone
else’s work does too. Admissions officers,
who have read tens of thousands of
essays, can sense fraud when they
encounter it.
Also try to refrain from talking directly
about your personality or traits in the
first-person tense. For example, “I’m the
type of person who likes...” or “I’m the
hardest worker I know…” are definitely
not good approaches to take when
writing about yourself, as you quickly
begin to seem like a narcissist.
If you waffle on about your achievements,
then you show no
self-awareness of context and
their actual scope.
Even though Bill Gates founded
Microsoft and rid the Americas of rubella,
it would still be uncomfortable to hear
him brag about it. So why would you?
19
Falling into the
cliché trap
This happens to thousands of applicants every year, whether intentional or not.
Let’s give you a list of clichéd essays, so you know what avoid in your essay.
Things to avoid
•
•
•
•
Transcribing your résumé or talking
about your main extracurricular
activity: don’t repeat yourself.
Admissions officers can read your
résumé as well as you can.
Community service or a trip to a
third-world country that “moved
you”: these essays tend to lack
empathy, sound over-privileged,
and be downright condescending.
Unless you have a new or valuable
insight – for example, if the lesson
you learn actually indicates how
little you were able to accomplish
through your volunteer trip – then
don’t write about this stuff.
Whoa, I’m going meta or postmodern with it, maaan: the
admissions officer thought it was
clever the first thousand times that
they read it.
How I can fix the world: thinking
that you, barely more than a
teenager, can fix the world shows
a lack of self-awareness, maturity,
and perspective. There’s a fine line
between being inspiring and
being naive.
•
Starting with a famous quote: just
don’t. If it’s an obscure quote that is
superbly relevant to your essay, then
an exception might be made. But
Gandhi, Churchill, and Mark Twain
are definite no-go’s.
•
Don’t compare yourself to an
inanimate object: comparing
yourself to a flower, or a tree, or your
grandmother’s rocking chair doesn’t
really give the reader insight into
who you are as a person. It usually
just comes across like a gimmick.
•
The dead dog essay: everyone has
had some ‘tragedy’ in their lives.
That’s not to minimize your personal
tragedy — it’s just true. But writing
about it in a college essay is all too
common, and once again, unless it
was a determinative moment in your
life (which it might have been!), then
it shouldn’t be written about.
•
The “I’m so well rounded” essay:
colleges want to see your ‘personal
narrative’, a compelling and focused
account of what you most love or
how you are best defined. Do not
write an essay that leaps from one
quality or activity to another without
clear purpose.
•
The “look at how much I know”
essay: the fact that you took
an English class doesn’t mean
you suddenly possesses a deep
understanding of Aristotle. Your
essay should be absolutely free
of pure bragging. If you want to
talk about how good you are at
something, then you should tell
the story of what it took for you to
achieve that; never simply write, “I
am great at _______” or “I am really
passionate about _______.”
•
And finally, from a Harvard
admissions officer: “Don’t make your
essay sound like a lengthy recitation
or a thesaurus. The essay is not a
vocabulary test! Don’t feel the need
to consult a thesaurus to impress us
with your vocabulary. We want to get
a glimpse of who you are, not who
you think we want you to be. Relax;
we just want to get to know you
better.”
20
Failing to show
personality
Don’t be
a jerk
Applicants sometimes forget to inject
feelings into their essays. They avoid
sharing their emotions and end up
writing a statement that reads like
an end-of-month report from the
corporate world.
Don’t talk down to the reader: the only
thing you really know is yourself and your
own experience, so don’t try to tell them
how the world works (or how anything
works, really).
Splash some colour on the page!
Explore how the situation made you
feel, and go into detail too.
Avoid whining about your problems and
how the world is out to get you.
Don’t be pessimistic, cynical, or
depressive – the future is bright,
remember?
Keep humour minimal – self-deprecating
humour is probably the only type of
comedy that translates on paper to a
stranger, and unless you’re actually funny
(meaning more than just your mom has
told you that you are), it just isn’t a good
idea.
21
05
Essay case studies
The main event!
We’ve compiled six personal essays from
our students that were used in successful
applications.
Top US colleges accepted the students
who wrote these essays. While we’ve
redacted certain information to ensure
privacy, these schools were in the top
100 US News rankings, including the Ivy
Leagues.
Our expert admissions officers review
each essay and provide an analysis as to
why it works.
So without further delay . . .
22
Example 01
Word Count: 646
Children love what is simple, clear-cut,
and absolute; they like primary colours
and the pure, sugary rush of Coke.
But adults prefer subtlety. Adults see the
beauty of the shades between black and
white. They recognize the multiple layers
of scents and flavours in a single glass
of wine. For me, adulthood means the
ability to appreciate nuance.
My journey into adulthood began as a
quarrel with my mother, a fight about a
treasured journal I had received for my
12th birthday. It was my most precious
possession. The simple brown covers
bound by black metal contained my
every thought; I wrote in it every day.
I was rapidly seeing a lot of things in
the world that I hadn’t noticed before,
especially with regards to authority.
My teacher consistently chastises Jason
for talking in class, but does not do so
when Jane chatters.
My church pastor tells me that God is allpowerful and loves everyone–so why do
my friends still suffer from bullying?
Ooh, my friend got a trampoline.
Such was the jumbled nonsense that lay
between the covers of my little brown
journal. Yet these half-sensical sentences
were the beginnings of my analysis of
the world, documenting when I started
to question what I had previously simply
accepted. My time with my journal was
priceless. These scribbles allowed me to
process my questions and try to answer
them. It was crucial that the contents of
this journal were private. I needed to
know that I could write anything without
fear of being reprimanded, suffering
social consequences, or annoying others.
I was experimenting with the concept of
keeping secrets for myself.
Then I came home from school one day
and had a huge fight with my mum. I
cannot remember why we even started
fighting, but I will always remember what
she said.
“And you, wasting so much of your time,
writing in that stupid diary of yours? Do
something useful for once!”
My anger was immediately replaced
by shock. Then, I realized how much I
was hurt. Sure, I had argued with Mum
before, but mostly over my laziness or
a misunderstanding. This was the first
time I honestly thought she was wrong. I
asked myself, over and over again in my
head, why she was doing this. Why did
she want to take away my little world, rob
me of the one place where I kept my own
thoughts? What was wrong with having
a little space, a little privacy? Mum had
always been in my corner; she was the
“good cop” who supported me through
hard times. So why was she doing this
to me?
I struggle to reconcile these two
opposing figures—the mother who
always encouraged me to pursue my
dreams and this mother who was trying
to take away my greatest passion. I
had previously observed and noted
the paradox of a good person doing
bad things, but this was the first time
I was forced to resolve that cognitive
dissonance.
I now realize that the catalyst for our
fight was a fundamental disagreement
between Mum and me about personal
boundaries. My mum has made huge
sacrifices to allow me to follow my
ambitions and become the person I want
to be. I respected and still respect that.
23
She is a good person. However, the fact
that she is my mother does not mean she
is always right.
After that fight, I learned to distinguish
between being an “authority” and being
correct. Ironically, I am glad that this
happened because it was the first of a set
of discoveries about morality. I came to
understand that someone is never always
right or wrong, that sometimes there
is no such thing as an absolute, “right”
answer.
In other words, I began to appreciate the
nuanced shades of grey between white
and black. It was the beginning of my
journey to maturity.
Admissions
Officer Analysis
“
The student has shown here an
awareness about their place in the world;
even from the early examples out of the
diary, we can see that the student makes
keen observations about how we as
people treat and judge each other in our
society and what the student believes
to be right and wrong. That being said,
the student has also done a good job
of ‘keeping it real’ with the trampoline
excerpt and avoids coming across as
trying too hard.
On a more serious note, the applicant’s
ability to analyze the root cause of a
disagreement and to put themselves in
the other’s shoes is a highly appealing
trait to see in an applicant. It implies
that the student is willing to listen to
others’ opinions and consider different
perspectives. At the same time, the
student’s example of disagreeing with
an authoritative figure also hints that this
applicant will not be afraid to challenge
professors in the classroom and provide
intellectual discussion and discourse.
”
24
Example 02
Word Count: 649
I only realized the degree to which
China’s governmental system needed
to change when a woman came into
my office crying. Volunteering at the
Nantong Legal Consultancy Center, my
job was noting people’s problems and
referring them to the right lawyer. So far, I
had met irate neighbors, calmed cheated
workers, and reasoned with drug addicts
and even a schizophrenic who shouldn’t
have been out of the hospital. But
calming this sobbing was still a little out
of my comfort zone.
Amidst her tears, I slowly pieced together
her story. She had undergone a forced
abortion fourteen years before, when she
was nineteen and six months along. Yes,
her pregnancy was against government
policies at that time. Nineteen is below
the legal age for marriage. No, there
weren’t any records. And yes, there was
lasting harm done. The procedure had
left her unable to have children.
I felt appalled. But the lawyer I sent
her to spread his hands in a gesture
of helplessness. Apparently, without
records, he could prove nothing and
was therefore unable to help. She left
soon after, but I wasn’t about to let it
go. That such a thing could happen and
go so long without remedy was almost
inconceivable to me, so I set out to try
and right this wrong.
I spoke with the lawyer again only to
be discouraged gently. “You know, she
comes every so often. She knows she
won’t be compensated and doesn’t care
much about that anyway. She comes
here only for an acknowledgment of her
pain.” Undeterred, I looked for ways to
help beyond legal aid. That sweltering
summer saw me searching high and low
for a possible solution.
To my dismay, the Compensation Fund of
the Birth Control Bureau was a dead end.
They couldn’t help because the protocols
required proof for remuneration to
be granted. And doctors, shaking
their heads, informed me that medical
reports alone wouldn’t be accurate
enough to link her childlessness to an
undocumented abortion fourteen
years ago.
In my research, I found that this woman,
heartrending as her story was, was only
a drop in the national bucket. Countless
others shared her fate. Meanwhile,
working at the Center opened my eyes to
myriad other unacknowledged problems
faced by the less fortunate: housing
demolition, industrial conflicts, brutal law
enforcement –the list went on. The little
office I received these people in stood as
a grim testament to their disillusionment
with the impartiality of the law. Too
often, these people were denied redress
due to loopholes or outright injustice,
proof that an adequate legal system
does not yet exist in China. Petitioners
listened to lawyers’ advice, nodded,
and left, too weary to waste time and
money on lawsuits with little hope of
achieving anything. Too often, laws only
applied if they benefited the state, not
the countless victims entrapped in its
shackles.
Eventually, I saw that there could be
no solution to the woman’s case and so
many others, so long as the law wasn’t
more credible in Chinese society. I
realized that the Chinese people had
to join together in calling for a stronger
rule of law enforced by a system worthy
of trust–only then could these forgotten
cases be redressed. Sadly, this end is
decidedly more than I can accomplish
at this stage in my life; I can only hope
25
that the little I am currently able to do will
raise awareness and help towards this
goal. At this juncture, I realized that the
best I can do is lend a sympathetic ear.
At the end of summer, I saw the woman
again. I made my way towards her,
handed her a cup of tea, and sat down.
“Hi, I was here the last time you came.
I know your situation. Do you want to talk
more about it?” I watched as her eyes
softened and she began her story once
more.
Admissions
Officer Analysis
“
I personally appreciate the student’s
quiet conviction and compassion that
she has for the woman in the essay.
Also, a large part of what makes this
essay work here is that the student
doesn’t go over-the-top - like so many
of these types of essays often do - in
pushing the student’s newfound interest
in a social justice-related issue. The
student’s voice is coherent, though
their personality could afford to come
through a little more.
The student’s resilience, resourcefulness,
and willingness to attack this issue
from multiple angles also doesn’t go
unnoticed here; through the narrative,
the applicant demonstrates problem
solving skills and the mental plasticity
that gives the admissions officer
an idea of how the student will
contribute to intellectual discourse
on issues on campus and in the
surrounding community.
”
26
Example 03
Word Count: 650
I remember seeing them coming one by
one, the army patrol vehicles thundering
through the heart of the park, shattering
the atmosphere of peace and harmony.
Children stopped laughing and adults
pointed and spoke in hushed tones,
one lamenting “here they come again”.
The smell of grease, intimidating sight
of machine guns, and roar of heavyduty diesel engines sent a shiver down
my spine. These were military national
servicemen, patrolling the coastal region
of Sembawang and guarding it against
seaborne threats. At the back of my
mind, I remember reminding myself
that, in Singapore, military service is
mandatory, and that I may one day be on
those very patrol vehicles, something I
dreaded.
When I grew older, we moved to New
Zealand, and thoughts of things back
in Singapore faded. As I progressed
in school, I discovered history, which
I studied in in-depth terms. From
Mesopotamia to the Cold War, I relished
learning how people built on what came
before, how individual nations added
to the greater macroscopic trajectory
of mankind. Being far from where most
of what I studied transpired, I could
approach historical concepts without
bias and I felt that I gained the most
insight on warfare. Whether it was the
RAF bravely fighting for the sovereignty
of the UK during the Battle of Britain or
the colonists’ struggles for American
Independence, I learned that warfare
is sometimes essential if a nation is
to exist. I became enamored of the
“great man” theory of history, awed by
the determination of figures such as
Washington and Churchill. Seeing the
necessity of the military for a nation’s
peace and security, and naively resolved
to become a great man in my own right, I
returned home and did the thing that my
younger self dreaded most: enlisted in
the Singapore Armed Forces.
Initially, the process of becoming a
soldier was every bit as grueling and
dehumanizing as I had once feared. I
struggled to reassemble my M-16 with
the requisite speed and was screamed
at by the Sergeant Major, feeling flecks
of his warm, angry spit as he excoriated
me nose to nose. During the first road
marches, I felt pushed to the physical
breaking point and sometimes lagged,
earning me more abuse that left me
feeling further diminished. In these first
months, I began to realize that I was not
so special as I had once thought in high
school, that the world had challenges
that were larger than me, that I would
have to grow more capable if were to be
of any use to my country or myself.
Fortunately, though, I made friends
amongst those in my squad, brothers in
arms in the original sense of the word.
Everything I suffered, they suffered.
When I flagged, they had a kind word,
and the sight of their perseverance
inspired me to persevere with them.
From their example, I came to realize that
our commitment was not a burden, but
a sacred honor. Inspired by my fellow
soldiers, I improved and was selected for
officer training.
It was in Officer Cadet School that I finally
realized that history, despite the pages
devoted to individuals, is a collective
process. We emphasize the genius of
one or two commanders each century
while losing sight of the thousands
who served with valor and ensured that
campaigns would succeed. I realized
that, if I were to truly lead, I would have
to take all of my fellow soldiers into
account. Where my passion for history
27
had completely transformed my view
on the military, my newfound passion
for the military now changed my view of
history. Whereas once I felt fear, and later
ambition, I now feel a sense of duty to
serve my fellow citizens of our small city
state, keep them safe amidst the world’s
powers, to ensure that our nation’s future,
its history as yet unwritten, is one of
stability and peace.
Admissions
Officer Analysis
“
The reader is given a very clear idea of
how the student’s time in military has
shaped his worldview. The last paragraph
in particular emphasizes how the student
demonstrates interdisciplinary thinking
- something that many colleges are
emphasizing in their curricula today.
The student has also used a number
of vivid descriptions - one thing that
admissions officers often look for in
an essay.
The other essay idea that the student
could have considered writing about is
the student’s transition back ‘home’ to
Singapore after having spent a significant
time away in New Zealand and how that
experience has shaped his identity and
worldview, especially when the applicant
is living in such close quarters with other
Singaporeans who had spent their entire
lives in Singapore.
”
28
Example 04
Word Count: 647
Laugh if you will, but my most important
possession is a simple sketchbook that
I received on my sixth birthday. To most
the book might appear plain, but I felt
immediately mesmerized by its myriad
leaves and the cinnamon brown cover –it
was beautiful in its simplicity. Receiving
it felt almost like a rite of passage, an
introduction to some future adulthood,
but in retrospect, this book constituted a
perfect reflection of my life at the time:
blank yet filled with infinite possibility.
Over the years my sketchbook became
more of a place than a thing, a cave on
whose walls past selves left paintings
reflecting their days and preoccupations,
crude smudges that advanced gradually
to vibrant scenes teeming with
movement and life. This cave served not
only as a place for expression but also
shelter: I ventured there often when I
was young because I was lonely and felt
I had no place else to go. Upon moving
from China to New Zealand, my parents
were always busy with designing and
renovating houses in order to build a life
here, literally. At school, I struggled to
learn English and struggled even harder
to make friends. The language barrier
seemed too much, and I became a
reclusive boy who wasn’t keen on talking
to those around me.
However, in this time of darkness,
drawing was my salvation. Even if
my peers couldn’t understand or
communicate with me, they could
decrypt my simple doodles. In
elementary school, these little moments
of acceptance gave me a newfound
happiness, a happiness that showed
that despite all the awkwardness and
inexpression, I was valued in this new
and foreign environment.
Time went by and I repeatedly changed
schools. After the initial victories from
sketching cartoon characters wore off,
I slowly went back to the shy boy that
I had always been. While my English
had improved, my self-esteem did not
improve with it. I was different, and
wherever I went people didn’t really
seem to accept that. In a total of three
primary schools, I can only really recall
four real friends. At times, the pent-up
frustration and sadness really got to me,
and it was then that I returned to my
cave, on whose walls on I could express
everything without limitations. Secluded
there, I was free from the constraints of
the outside world.
Then came high school, and the day
I entered secondary education also
became a watershed. I made friends,
friends that I could talk to and rely on.
My friends and I exchanged ideas and
thoughts at human rights conferences
and online film review platforms;
we learned how to be leaders while
organizing different competitions and
camps in and outside of school; we even
decided to go on service trips to the
other side of the world. Soon, I came to
see my cave as more akin to the one in
Plato’s famous analogy than Lascaux, and
I never looked back once I ventured forth
into life with all its complexity.
As extracurricular activities and
schoolwork piled up, free moments
became increasingly scarce. More and
more I neglected my sketchbook, which
had so faithfully recorded my journey.
It lay at the bottom of my study drawer,
forgotten for years, the cave’s entrance
sealed with the advance of time.
When I rediscovered my sketchbook
late in high school, all the memories
came flooding back like images in an
archaeologist’s flashlight. The miniature
29
cartoons drawn as a little boy led
to the detailed sketches from later,
documenting a personal evolution
towards the present day that I was
scarcely aware of at the time. In that
moment, I saw that the cave had not held
me back from life, but instead afforded
a place where I was free to grow. I was
no longer that quiet, lonesome boy who
struggled to make friends. Thanks to my
sketchbook, I had changed.
Admissions
Officer Analysis
“
The sketchbook is a nice vehicle that
gives us an insight to the student’s
background, but unfortunately doesn’t
fully give us a window into who the
student is today and who they could
have been (apart from the student being
your average stressed out high school
student balancing schoolwork and
extracurriculars).
The student starts off well here in using
the sketchbook to connect to others
when they were younger, but the essay’s
overall message gets lost towards the
end. I would have much preferred a vivid
telling of this evolution by the student
in the last paragraph instead of simply
telling me that they have changed.
”
Once again, you want to show as much
as possible, not tell. What this essay does
well is convey a personal story followed
by its impact on the student today.
30
Example 05
Word Count: 624
Sitting in my makeshift darkroom, I shut
off the water spilling into the developing
tank. My prize perches languorously in
a bath of chemicals. I uncoiled the film,
and see memories strangely unfamiliar in
their plastic permanence.
Pictures accentuate life. An image of
soldiers dug in a dystopian wasteland
was one of the earliest to lodge itself in
my memory. After asking where the place
in the photo was, I was told “overseas”.
Soon after, I felt uneasy upon learning
that Dad also intended to move our
family from Hubei, China to overseas.
For days after, I was convinced that New
Zealand embodied the hellscape I’d seen
in the picture.
My fears were quelled by the sight of
suburbs, pūkekos, and greenstone when
Mum and I and landed there. We never
really unpacked, In the twelve years
since, I’ve changed houses ten times.
I took lots of pictures with my digital
camera, but as I was picked up and
dropped off at new thresholds over the
years, I lost touch with the places of my
childhood. With each new place, best
friends faded into memory, lost amidst
hundreds of pictures on my desktop
and cell phone. If one picture spoke a
thousand words, then I carried millions
of words all spoken at once; their
competing clamor ensured that none
had a chance of achieving meaning.
As reality seemed to slip away with
no sense of continuity save that of the
calendar, I was rescued when my mum
gave me her old Nikon and a single roll
of film. I rationed that roll over a whole
summer, became selective guardian
of thirty-six tiny moments, armed with
the means to etch my viewpoints into
something tangible. As I selected,
condensed, and stitched together
intermittent points in time, I practiced
deliberate reflection in each moment.
With so few possible pictures, I was
forced to live first and photograph
second. I grounded myself in reserving
space for analogue in a digital world.
Like the light hitting the gelatine coating
with no filter in its path, I took to directly
imprinting people and emotions onto my
consciousness. This mindful sensitivity
made me feel, finally in control.
At the end of this summer, I scanned
and examined the negatives and saw
concrete proof of life and memory.
Here, the apples swell on our tree the
first time. My father holds a pumpkin up
amongst the branches, chortling like he
found it growing there. Here are the globs
of stardust I enjoy observing, the tennis
courts on which I drill serves until it feels
like drumming a rhythm. And here, Upper
Tama Lake greets me when I finally arrive,
drenched and windburned. On our sixth
and final day, a question had divided our
hiking group: agree to the uphill detour,
or decline in favour of a shower? The blue
glass water urges me to continue.
The truest snippets are the frames that
aren’t meant to be there, or at least
not meant to look how they do. The
strikingly framed picture of a twisting
tree is marred by my startled face darting
out of the top corner. I find that I had
blackened my frames from a twilight walk
in Queenstown, because I hadn’t adjusted
my exposure for the settling dusk. Here, I
realize that actual memory will have
to suffice.
The beauty of taking pictures with this
camera, for me, comes from the realization
that the frame doesn’t need me inside to
show me who I am. With every frame, I am
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reminded of the things that constitute
myself: who and what I love. With these
images I have proof, however slight, of
the moments I value, and a timeline, as
my life unfolds in a roll of film.
Admissions
Officer Analysis
“
The student here has used the photo as
a vehicle to convey a number of details
to the admissions officers that they would
not have known otherwise (i.e. moving
10 times in 12 years).
The essay also demonstrates to the
reader the student’s critical thinking
abilities when analyzing the power of
the photo while never neglecting its
importance to the applicant, making the
essay on a fairly common topic highly
personal and unique to the student.
The usage of vivid verbs and adjectives
also help to transport the reader to the
student’s mind and give the reader
an insight to the student’s worldview.
One thing I’d like to see more is to
see the student’s personal growth and
maturation through photo.
”
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Example 06
Word Count: 624
I entered my summer internship in the
corporate industry expecting to learn
from successful people in a business
setting. But here I was, sitting at a
rough-hewn table in a cabin deep in
the Tūwharetoa region with four other
men, waiting for the clock to strike ten.
While in the office these men were prim
creatures, impeccably suited and lowkey, now, in the night, in the woods, they
had undergone a sort of lycanthropic
transformation: they were coarser,
animated by competitive machismo and
the prospect of the hunt.
I watched the minute hand drag itself
across the face of an ancient cuckoo
clock with unease. Whereas beforehand
I was excited for the trip, viewing it as
an invaluable opportunity to experience
the business world, now, as the journey’s
ostensible purpose drew near, I was
definitely having second thoughts.
The clock groaned out the hour and the
plumpest, most senior man of the bunch
shot to his feet yelling: “Dinner ay boys!”
I looked at the leftovers in front of us: we
didn’t need any more food.
Shouldering our rifles in unison we piled
into a 4X4 SUV whose spotlights flooded
the night. I sat amongst two middleaged men who questioned me about
my plans for the future in tones of beery
camaraderie.
In one movement, one of the men swiftly
raised his ancient Mauser and pulled the
trigger. Conversation ceased. Alarmed, I
peered out of the front window. A deer lay
dying: its head twitching and sides rising
up and down in an ever-slowing rhythm.
“He’s a top-notch violinist– I went to his
charity recital. Will you further that then,
eh?” one commented.
“Do it!” One of the men dropped a gun
in my hands and beckoned towards a
second one, standing motionless in the
blinding beam of the floodlights.
“But he is an athlete. With the brains!” the
man on my left added in a husky voice.
Soon, conversation quickly shifted to the
matters at hand. “This is really important,”
one said, “Hunting is embedded in the
way we live.”
If hunting was embedded in the way
these men lived, it was embedded in it
much the same way that their sailboats or
Maseratis were, a non-essential that they
took for granted. These men were some
of the most influential business figures in
the country.
The truck came to an abrupt halt, and
there was a silent whir as the sunroof
opened to reveal the glittery night sky.
I looked down the barrel for a moment
towards the deer–its eyes glistening like
some outsized mouse. With reluctance,
I ejected the live shell into the dark night
and dropped the gun, creating a loud
“thunk” that I hoped would scare it away. It
didn’t. The man next to me shot the deer
without hesitation.
My whole body was numb as I hauled
the still-warm carcasses to the carving
shed. As the thick blood soaked through
my shirt, I felt an overwhelming sense of
regret wash over me. Why did they need
to kill these deer? More importantly, why
didn’t I stop them? These men could have
or do anything, yet here we were killing
for sport masquerading as necessity.
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Monday when I strode into the office,
greeted by cool air-conditioning and
the usual “good mornings,” I saw two of
the men from that weekend and realized
something had changed. Last Friday I
had wanted to be just like them; today,
I didn’t. Although they were financially
successful, that wasn’t enough. I realized
that my idea of success had nothing to
do with money, and everything to do
with how one approaches the world
around him. I resolved that in the future,
no matter what position I was in, I would
act according to my conscience, take no
more than I needed, and show mercy
always. That would be success.
Admissions
Officer Analysis
“
The main issue is this piece comes across
as overly narrative. The hunting story
takes up a large chunk of the essay only
to make the student’s point at the end of
what their idea of success looks like.
I’d personally be more interested to see
the student’s idea of success in action
post-‘hunting story’; you want to show,
not tell, your point as much as possible.
Also, while I generally do not advocate
using ‘SAT-type’ words in your personal
essay for a myriad of reasons, this
student has managed to use a number
of fairly advanced words that - most
importantly - remains consistent with
the student’s voice in this essay. This
is not necessarily a bad essay, but it
is not one that would ‘seal the deal’ other aspects of the application likely
played a role here in the decisions to
admit the student.
”
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06
Final thoughts
There you have it, folks - an introductory
crash course in how to write a personal
essay to a US college.
We learnt admissions officers measure
successful essays with three key
indicators, with splashes of other
soft indicators. If you write to these
indicators and to the types of essays
colleges expect, it’ll improve your
chances of success.
We had a brief look at what makes
writing good and what makes it
a disaster.
And we closed the show with six
successful essays.
It doesn’t seem that hard now does it?
If you’d like to learn more, or how to
tailor your essay to a specific college,
please call for a free consultation where
we’ll assess your candidacy to particular
schools and how to improve your
chances of getting accepted.
Also, stay tuned for part two of this guide
- so much to cover.
We gave a basic overview of grammar,
style, voice and tone.
We showed you what you utterly need
to avoid.
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Made with
by Crimson
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