Gottman:
Philosophy, Goals & Practice
Dallas Theological Seminary
CM5422 Marital Counseling
Spring 2025
C. Gary Barnes, ThM, PhD
Philosophy: 6 Assumptions
1) Therapy is Primarily Dyadic
2) Emotion is Central
3) Therapist Role is not to Soothe
4) Interventions Should have Low Psychological
Cost
5) Couples Therapy Should Primarily Be a Positive
Affective Experience
6) We are not Idealistic about Marriage and Its
Potential
Goals: 7 (not necessarily sequential)
1) Move the couple from gridlock to dialogue on one major
problem
2) Have the couple be able to repair a fight without the
therapist
3) Establish 6 social skills
4) Build friendship as a base for effective repair
5) Process failed bids for connection
6) Set up meaningful rituals of emotional connection
7) Fade therapist, prevent relapse, schedule follow up and
booster sessions
* Optional Goal: Spiritual Connection
Goal #3: Establish 6 Social Skills
1) Label & replace 4 Horsemen with their
antidotes
2) Soften Startup
3) Accept Influence
4) Physiologically self-soothing
5) Make effective repairs & de-escalate
6) Compromise
Social Skills: #1 Four Horsemen
Label 4 Horsemen
Replace w Antidote
1) Criticism
complain w/o blame
accept responsibility
cultivate appreciation
self-soothe & connect
~
2) Defensiveness ~
3) Contempt ~
4) Stonewalling ~
Social Skills: #2 Soften Startup
1) “I feel __________
2) … about ________
3) I need __________
Social Skills: #4 Physiological
Self-soothing
3 Zones of Emotional Intensity
Goal #5: Process Bids for Connection
“Turning Towards”
“Turning Away”
“Turning Against”
Psychological Research #3:
Average Outcomes Over Time
#1
#2
#3
50%
25%
25%
Separated
or Divorced
Together &
Not Satisfied
Stable &
Satisfied
“…Active Listening Controversy”
McArthur Hafen, Jr. and D. Russell Crane,
Journal of Family Therapy (2003) 25:4-14 - Abstract:
“In 1998, John Gottman and his associates published an
article which asserted that training ‘active listening’ between
couples was an ineffective therapeutic intervention. Not
surprisingly, this claim generated considerable controversy,
particularly in relation to treatment and educational models
that were heavily dependent on active listening as a major
part of their intervention programs.
The authors of one such approach, the Prevention and
Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP), were
particularly vocal in their disagreement with Gottman’s
conclusions. This paper provides an account of the
controversy, a summary of the current status of the debate
and a discussion of the remaining unanswered questions.”
“Fixing the Problems with
Active Listening ” Gottman’s 5 points:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
The listener needs to be physiologically calm in order
to be able to absorb any information at all.
The speaker needs to be in self-disclosure mode
rather than in attack-defend mode.
Each person must listen and be able to state – to their
partner’s satisfaction- their partner’s entire position,
not just the last thing the partner said.
The couple needs to postpone persuasion until they
first achieve mutual understanding.
Once mutual understanding is reached, the couple
needs to be guided carefully toward problem-solving,
and compromise can begin.
Note: Gottman-Rapoport Conflict Blueprint for “reflective listening”
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