White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible
Knapsack
By Peggy McIntosh
Through work to bring materials
from Women’s Studies into the rest
of the curriculum, I have often
noticed men’s unwillingness to
grant that they are over-privileged,
even though they may grant that
women are disadvantaged. They
may say they will work to improve
women’s status, in the society, the
university, or the curriculum, but
they can’t or won’t support the idea
of lessening men’s. Denials which
amount to taboos surround the
subject of advantages which men
gain from women’s disadvantages.
These denials protect male
privilege from being fully
acknowledged, lessened or ended.
Thinking through unacknowledged
male privilege as a phenomenon, I
realized that, since hierarchies in
our society are interlocking, there
was most likely a phenomenon of
white privilege that was similarly
denied and protected. As a white
person, I realized I had been taught
about racism as something that puts
others at a disadvantage, but had
been taught not to see one of its
corollary aspects, white privilege,
which puts me at an advantage.
I think whites are carefully taught
not to recognize white privilege,
as males are taught not to
recognize male privilege. So I
have begun in an untutored way
to ask what it is like to have white
privilege. I have come to see
white privilege as an invisible
package of unearned assets that I
can count on cashing in each day,
but about which I was “meant” to
remain oblivious. White privilege
is like an invisible weightless
knapsack of special provisions,
maps, passports, codebooks,
visas, clothes, tools and blank
checks.
Describing white privilege makes
one newly accountable. As we in
Women’s Studies work to reveal
male privilege and ask men to give
up some of their power, so one who
writes about white privilege must
ask, “Having described it, what will
I do to lessen or end it?”
After I realized the extent to which
men work from a base of
unacknowledged privilege, I
understood that much of their
oppressiveness was unconscious.
Then I remembered the frequent
charges from women of color that
white women whom they
encounter are oppressive.
I began to understand why we are
justly seen as oppressive, even
when we don’t see ourselves that
way. I began to count the ways in
which I enjoy unearned skin
privilege and have been
conditioned into oblivion about its
existence.
I was taught to see
racism only in
individual acts of
meanness, not in
invisible systems
conferring dominance
on my group.
My schooling gave me no training
in seeing myself as an oppressor,
as an unfairly advantaged person,
or as a participant in a damaged
culture. I was taught to see myself
as an individual whose moral state
depended on her individual moral
will. My schooling followed the
pattern my colleague Elizabeth
Minnich has pointed out: whites
are taught to think of their lives as
morally neutral, normative, and
average, and also ideal, so that
when we work to benefit others,
this is seen as work which will
allow “them” to be more like “us.”
I decided to try to work on myself
at least by identifying some of the
daily effects of white privilege in
my life. I have chosen those
conditions which I think in my
case attach somewhat more to
skin-color privilege than to class,
religion, ethnic status, or
geographic location, though of
course all these other factors are
intricately intertwined. As far as I
can see, my African American coworkers, friends, and
acquaintances with whom I come
“Some Notes for Facilitators” © 2010 Peggy McIntosh
“Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack” © 1989 Peggy McIntosh
into daily or frequent contact in
this particular time, place and line
of work cannot count on most of
these conditions.
1. I can if I wish arrange to be in
the company of people of my
race most of the time.
2. If I should need to move, I can
be pretty sure of renting or
purchasing housing in an area
which I can afford and in
which I would want to live.
3.
I can be pretty sure that my
neighbors in such a location
will be neutral or pleasant to
me.
4. I can go shopping alone most
of the time, pretty well assured
that I will not be followed or
harassed.
5. I can turn on the television or
open to the front page of the
paper and see people of my
race widely represented.
6. When I am told about our
national heritage or about
“civilization,” I am shown that
people of my color made it
what it is.
7. I can be sure that my children
will be given curricular
materials that testify to the
existence of their race.
8. If I want to, I can be pretty
sure of finding a publisher for
this piece on white privilege.
9. I can go into a music shop and
count on finding the music of
my race represented, into a
supermarket and find the staple
foods that fit with my cultural
traditions, into a hairdresser’s
shop and find someone who
can cut my hair.
p. 2
singled out because of my race.
10. Whether I use checks, credit
cards or cash, I can count on
my skin color not to work
against the appearance of
financial reliability.
20. I can easily buy posters,
postcards, picture books,
greeting cards, dolls, toys, and
children’s magazines featuring
people of my race.
11. I can arrange to protect my
children most of the time from
people who might not like
them.
21. I can go home from most
meetings of organizations I
belong to feeling somewhat
tied in, rather than isolated,
out-of-place, outnumbered,
unheard, held at a distance, or
feared.
12. I can swear, or dress in secondhand clothes, or not answer
letters, without having people
attribute these choices to the
bad morals, the poverty, or the
illiteracy of my race.
13. I can speak in public to a
powerful male group without
putting my race on trial.
14. I can do well in a challenging
situation without being called a
credit to my race.
15. I am never asked to speak for
all the people of my racial
group.
16. I can remain oblivious of the
language and customs of
persons of color who constitute
the world’s majority without
feeling in my culture any
penalty for such oblivion.
17. I can criticize our government
and talk about how much I fear
its policies and behavior
without being seen as a cultural
outsider.
18. I can be pretty sure that if I ask
to talk to “the person in
charge,” I will be facing a
person of my race.
19. If a traffic cop pulls me over or
if the IRS audits my tax return,
I can be sure I haven’t been
22. I can take a job with an
affirmative action employer
without having co-workers on
the job suspect that I got it
because of race.
23. I can choose public
accommodations without
fearing that people of my race
cannot get in or will be
mistreated in the places I have
chosen.
24. I can be sure that if I need legal
or medical help, my race will
not work against me.
25. If my day, week, or year is
going badly, I need not ask of
each negative episode or
situation whether it has racial
overtones.
26. I can choose blemish cover or
bandages in “flesh” color and
have them more less match my
skin.
I repeatedly forgot each of the
realizations on this list until I wrote
it down. For me, white privilege
has turned out to be an elusive and
fugitive subject. The pressure to
avoid it is great, for in facing it I
must give up the myth of
meritocracy. If these things are
“Some Notes for Facilitators” © 2010 Peggy McIntosh
“Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack” © 1989 Peggy McIntosh
true, this is not such a free country;
one’s life is not what one makes it;
many doors open for certain people
through no virtues of their own.
In unpacking this invisible
knapsack of white privilege, I have
listed conditions of daily
experience that I once took for
granted. Nor did I think of any of
these perquisites as bad for the
holder. I now think that we need a
more finely differentiated
taxonomy of privilege, for some of
these varieties are only what one
would want for everyone in a just
society, and others give license to
be ignorant, oblivious, arrogant and
destructive.
I see a pattern running through the
matrix of white privilege, a pattern
of assumptions that were passed on
to me as a white person. There was
one main piece of cultural turf; it
was my own turf, and I was among
those who could control the turf.
My skin color was an asset for any
move I was educated to want to
make. I could think of myself as
belonging in major ways and of
making social systems work for
me. I could freely disparage, fear,
neglect, or be oblivious to anything
outside of the dominant cultural
forms. Being of the main culture, I
could also criticize it fairly freely.
In proportion as my racial group
was being made confident,
comfortable, and oblivious,
other groups were likely being
made inconfident,
uncomfortable, and alienated.
Whiteness protected me from
many kinds of hostility, distress
and violence, which I was being
subtly trained to visit, in turn,
upon people of color.
For this reason, the word
“privilege” now seems to me
misleading. We usually think of
privilege as being a favored
state, whether earned or
conferred by birth or luck. Yet
some of the conditions I have
described here work
systematically to overempower
certain groups. Such privilege
simply confers dominance
because of one’s race or sex.
I want, then, to distinguish between
earned strength and unearned
power conferred systemically.
Power from unearned privilege can
look like strength when it is in fact
permission to escape or to
dominate. But not all of the
privileges on my list are inevitably
damaging. Some, like the
expectation that neighbors will be
decent to you, or that your race will
not count against you in court,
should be the norm in a just
society. Others, like the privilege to
ignore less powerful people, distort
the humanity of the holders as well
as the ignored groups.
We might at least start by
distinguishing between positive
advantages, which we can work to
spread, and negative types of
advantage, which unless rejected
will always reinforce our present
hierarchies. For example, the
feeling that one belongs within the
human circle, as Native Americans
say, should not be seen as privilege
for a few. Ideally it is an unearned
entitlement. At present, since only a
few have it, it is an unearned
advantage for them. This paper
results from a process of coming to
p. 3
see that some of the power that I
originally saw as attendant on
being a human being in the United
States consisted in unearned
advantage and conferred
dominance.
The question is:
“Having described
white privilege, what
will I do to end it?
I have met very few men who are
truly distressed about systemic,
unearned male advantage and
conferred dominance. And so one
question for me and others like me
is whether we will be like them, or
whether we will get truly
distressed, even outraged, about
unearned race advantage and
conferred dominance, and, if so,
what will we do to lessen them. In
any case, we need to do more
work in identifying how they
actually affect our daily lives.
Many, perhaps most, of our white
students in the U.S. think that
racism doesn’t affect them
because they are not people of
color, they do not see “whiteness”
as a racial identity. In addition,
since race and sex are not the only
advantaging systems at work, we
need similarly to examine the
daily experience of having age
advantage, or ethnic advantage, or
physical ability, or advantage
related to nationality, religion, or
sexual orientation.
Difficulties and dangers
surrounding the task of finding
parallels are many. Since racism,
sexism, and heterosexism are not
the same, the advantages
“Some Notes for Facilitators” © 2010 Peggy McIntosh
“Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack” © 1989 Peggy McIntosh
associated with them should not
be seen as the same. In addition,
it is hard to disentangle aspects of
unearned advantage which rest
more on social class, economic
class, race, religion, sex, and
ethnic identity than on other
factors. Still, all of the
oppressions are interlocking, as
the Combahee River Collective
Statement of 1977 continues to
remind us eloquently.
One factor seems clear about all
of the interlocking oppressions.
They take both active forms,
which we can see, and
embedded forms, which as a
member of the dominant group
one is taught not to see. In my
class and place, I did not see
myself as a racist because I was
taught to recognize racism only
in individual acts of meanness
by members of my group, never
in invisible systems conferring
unsought racial dominance on
my group from birth.
Disapproving of the systems
won’t be enough to change
them. I was taught to think that
racism could end if white
individuals changed their
attitudes. But a “white” skin in
the United States opens many
doors for whites whether or not
we approve of the way
dominance has been conferred
on us. Individual acts can
palliate, but cannot end, these
problems.
To redesign social systems, we
need first to acknowledge their
colossal unseen dimensions. The
silences and denials surrounding
privilege are the key political tool
here. They keep the thinking about
equality or equity incomplete,
protecting unearned advantage and
conferred dominance by making
these taboo subjects. Most talk by
whites about equal opportunity
seems to me now to be about equal
opportunity to try to get into a
position of dominance while
denying that systems of dominance
exist.
It seems to me that obliviousness
about white advantage, like
obliviousness about male
advantage, is kept strongly
inculturated in the United States
so as to maintain the myth of
meritocracy, the myth that
democratic choice is equally
available to all. Keeping most
people unaware that freedom of
confident action is there for just a
small number of people props up
those in power and serves to keep
power in the hands of the same
groups that have most of it
already.
Although systemic change takes
many decades, there are pressing
questions for me and I imagine
for some others like me if we
raise our daily consciousness on
the perquisites of being lightskinned. What will we do with
such knowledge? As we know
from watching men, it is an open
question whether we will choose
to use unearned advantage to
weaken hidden systems of
advantage, and whether we will
use any of our arbitrarily awarded
power to try to reconstruct power
systems on a broader base.
*This is an authorized excerpt of
McIntosh’s original white
p. 4
privilege article, “White Privilege
and Male Privilege: A Personal
Account of Coming to See
Correspondences through Work
in Women’s Studies,” Working
Paper 189 (1988), Wellesley
Centers for Women, Wellesley
College, MA, 02481.
“White Privilege: Unpacking the
Invisible Knapsack” first appeared
in Peace and Freedom Magazine,
July/August, 1989, pp. 10-12, a
publication of the Women’s
International League for Peace and
Freedom, Philadelphia, PA
Anyone who wishes to
reproduce more than 35
copies of this article must
apply to the author, Dr.
Peggy McIntosh, at
mmcintosh@wellesley.edu.
This article may not be
electronically posted
except by the National
SEED Project.
RIOT GRRRL MANIFESTO
The Riot Grrrl Movement began in the early 1990s by Washington State
band ​Bikini Kil​l and lead singer Kathleen Hanna.The riot grrrl manifesto
was published 1991 in the BIKINI KILL ZINE 2.
BECAUSE us girls crave records and books and fanzines that speak to US that WE feel included in and
can understand in our own ways.
BECAUSE we wanna make it easier for girls to see/hear each other's work so that we can share strategies
and criticize-applaud each other.
BECAUSE we must take over the means of production in order to create our own meanings.
BECAUSE viewing our work as being connected to our girlfriends-politics-real lives is essential if we are
gonna figure out how we are doing impacts, reflects, perpetuates, or DISRUPTS the status quo.
BECAUSE we recognize fantasies of Instant Macho Gun Revolution as impractical lies meant to keep us
simply dreaming instead of becoming our dreams AND THUS seek to create revolution in our own lives
every single day by envisioning and creating alternatives to the bullshit christian capitalist way of doing
things.
BECAUSE we want and need to encourage and be encouraged in the face of all our own insecurities, in
the face of beergutboyrock that tells us we can't play our instruments, in the face of "authorities" who say
our bands/zines/etc are the worst in the US and
BECAUSE we don't wanna assimilate to someone else's (boy) standards of what is or isn't.
BECAUSE we are unwilling to falter under claims that we are reactionary "reverse sexists" AND NOT
THE TRUEPUNKROCKSOULCRUSADERS THAT WE KNOW we really are.
BECAUSE we know that life is much more than physical survival and are patently aware that the punk
rock "you can do anything" idea is crucial to the coming angry grrrl rock revolution which seeks to save
the psychic and cultural lives of girls and women everywhere, according to their own terms, not ours.
BECAUSE we are interested in creating non-heirarchical ways of being AND making music, friends, and
scenes based on communication + understanding, instead of competition + good/bad categorizations.
BECAUSE doing/reading/seeing/hearing cool things that validate and challenge us can help us gain the
strength and sense of community that we need in order to figure out how bullshit like racism,
able-bodieism, ageism, speciesism, classism, thinism, sexism, anti-semitism and heterosexism figures in
our own lives.
BECAUSE we see fostering and supporting girl scenes and girl artists of all kinds as integral to this
process.
BECAUSE we hate capitalism in all its forms and see our main goal as sharing information and staying
alive, instead of making profits of being cool according to traditional standards.
BECAUSE we are angry at a society that tells us Girl = Dumb, Girl = Bad, Girl = Weak.
BECAUSE we are unwilling to let our real and valid anger be diffused and/or turned against us via the
internalization of sexism as witnessed in girl/girl jealousism and self defeating girltype behaviors.
BECAUSE I believe with my wholeheartmindbody that girls constitute a revolutionary soul force that
can, and will change the world for real.
Shared through the​ History is Weapon​ blog
1
H U F F P OS T TH E BL OG
09/19/2009 05:12 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017
Top 10 Reasons Not To Do Yoga
By Sadie Nardini
As a longtime yoga teacher, I remember when part of my job used to consist of talking
resistant people into trying it for the first time.
Then maybe they love it, they lose weight, look better, feel more awake and aware, their
relationships transform, blah, blah, blah. But most never set foot in a studio, never take that
first step onto a sticky mat, sure from what they’ve heard that they won’t like it, or won’t be
good at it, no matter how in pain they are physically, mentally or emotionally.
Well, I’m done with all that.
Yogis are fond of saying, “save your breath to cool your porridge”. And let me tell you, my
pot o’ porridge bubbleth over.
After 15 years of conversations with two types of people—those who crave personal growth,
and those who don’t, I have come to believe that for many people, there are some darn good
reasons not to do yoga, beyond the obvious ones, like a body cast or a deep aversion to lycra.
If you fall into one of these categories, then you shouldn’t ever let some chipper, wellmeaning yoga teacher like myself convince you that yoga is the right choice for you.
TOP 10 REASONS NOT TO DO YOGA
1) You enjoy looking 9 years older than you are. After all, Joan Crawford is super hot—so
bring on the crow’s feet!
Researchers have just found that people who do just three 60-minute sessions of semivigorous yoga per week, were 9 years younger on average than non-exercisers.
These results showed much more than just a glowing face; Yoga changes you down to your
DNA. The study found that these exercisers had much longer telomeres, or the aspect of
DNA that acts as a marker for aging than people who did not move as much.
These results held for any type of exercise, but yoga goes a step farther than most, by
detoxifying the body more efficiently, and stimulating and balancing the endocrine system,
2
which among other things regulates aging, healing, metabolism and immunity. So, you’ll
look younger on the outside, as well as inside!
Have you ever seen the body of a longtime yoga practitioner? Here’s one of me.
I’m 38, but people regularly mistake me for 25. It’s quite the burden to bear, but somebody
has to do it.
Try my free Anti-Aging Yoga video!
2) You embrace those heavy metal toxins building up in your body as a badass homage to
your Kiss concert days. Rock on!
When we walk, jog, Jazzercize, kickbox and whatnot, we gain the endorphin release and
calorie burn. What we don’t lose, however, are many of our toxins, which build up in our
fatty tissues, blood and organs. From mercury to dioxins, free radicals and pesticides, though
they might sound like up-and-coming indie bands, they just aren’t cool.
The way to really cleanse your body, besides being careful of what you eat, drink and slather
on your body, is to support your lymphatic system to do its work. In order to do this, it’s
helpful to breathe deeply, and be upside down. Many of the yoga poses are specifically
designed to aid in detoxification of your body, even as they sculpt and stretch it.
Check out the Yoga Detox Breath you can do anywhere!
3
What’s more, yoga is one of the only exercise forms that usually includes an inversion (or
more) in every class. This clears your legs and hips, areas that aren’t usually elevated over the
heart.
FOR MORE: To watch my Yoga for Detox videos, try these:
More Active
More Restorative
3) Your marathon time is just fine the way it is. No need for more speed.
When you stretch your body properly, and strengthen opposing muscle groups in balance,
you increase your range of motion, and can move more quickly through space. For example,
the space betwen the start and finish lines.
The yoga breath has been shown to increase endurance in marathoners by twice the distance
in just one session!
For a cool case study I did with my brother, as I’ve done with hundreds of New York City
Marathoners and casual runners alike, check out this article from Runner”s World
In addition, when you add a holistic form of exercise like yoga, you get less stress and strain
building up from the one-way, repetitive movements like running, cycling and walking.
Adding in a counter-practice will keep you doing that other exercise or sport you love for
longer.
Try my video: Yoga For Runners, Cyclists...and You!
4) You firmly believe that the junk in your trunk needs more company.
Alan Kristal, associate head of the Cancer Prevention Program in the Public Health Sciences
Division at the Hutchinson Center says, “In our earlier study, we found that middle-aged
people who practice yoga gained less weight over a 10-year period than those who did not.
This was independent of physical activity and dietary patterns. We hypothesized that
mindfulness - a skill learned either directly or indirectly through yoga - could affect eating
behavior.”
Her research found no correlation between mindful eating and other forms of exercise like
cycling or running.
4
Not like I need a study to tell me this. I lost 40 pounds when I switched from the gym to
yoga, and I’ve kept it off for over a decade. I see hundreds of clients transform from soft to
svelte every year, and stay that way.
Unlike the tendency of other exercise to make you hungry so you tend to stabilize and
plateau in your weight loss efforts, the brilliance of yoga is that it balances your hormones so
you’re less likely to suffer from uncontrollable cravings, and it teaches you mindful
awareness, so you’re more likely to choose that salad over the salami.
See my Yoga for Weight Loss video:
5) You hate yoga.
And I don’t blame you.
There are so many teachers and styles out there, the odds of finding one that you like is
greater than your next blind date turning out to be Brad Pitt.
The yogier-than-thou attitude of some studios, coupled with pretzel poses and tendency to
quench the thirst you have from chanting for 20 minutes with all the twig tea you can drink,
can create an off-putting, too-strange atmosphere for regular people just looking for a lot of
workout and maybe a little Zen.
However, whether you love the classical vibe, or you want a straight sweat session, are
seeking a gentle class or a boot camp, no Sanskrit involved...there is a style, and an instructor
for you.
I promise, if you ask like-minded friends, read teachers’ bios, try out a few classes, and
remember that not all of us recoil from steak or glass of Pinot in horror, you will find that
yoga is something you can deal with, and maybe even love.
Coming in my next post: Yoga Styles Demystified! Check back soon.
6) You think of the hospital as a cleaner, more specialized Club Med, and don’t mind staying
there more often. The food isn’t as good, but the staff sure is attentive!
In a study of health insurance statistics, yogis and meditators showed hospitalization rates
that were 87% less than non-yogis for heart disease, 55% less for benign and malignant
tumors, 30% less for infectious diseases, and 50% less for out-patient doctor visits.
Enough said.
5
7) There is no way you’d rather age than to experience a slow mental decline.
The practice of yoga often includes a meditation component, and if your teacher is aware, he
or she will teach you how to transform your physical poses into a moving meditation.
As you become adept at turning your mind inward, being present and focused, you’ll keep
your mind toning up on the mat, along with your newly buff body—so both will function
properly your whole life long.
The cerebral cortex of the brain is your friend as you age, since it powers thought, sensory
perception, language, and emotion. It can begin to deteriorate as you get older, thought to be
one cause of slowing down mentally as we age.
Researchers have found that cortical regions were thicker in meditators than in controls. In
older participants (aged 40 to 50 years), only the meditators showed cortical thickness that
corresponded to that of younger participants (aged 20 to 30 years) in a region that carries out
higher mental, emotional, and behavioral functions.
I don’t know about you, but if anything in my brain (besides my choice of men, or my
nightly cravings for a Taco Bell fourth meal) can remain 20 instead of 50...I’ll take it.
Check out my Easy Meditation video:
8) Your family loves you wound tighter than a ball of rubber bands. It’s endearing when you
slam the phone down, mutter and swear at your invisible boss.
Let’s look to Harvard for help with your short fuse.
Preliminary research out of the Boston University School of Medicine and Harvard’s McLean
Hospital found that healthy subjects who practiced yoga for just one hour had a 27 percent
increase in levels of GABA, a neurotransmitter that boosts mood and lessens anxiety
compared with a control group that simply sat and read for an hour.
But you don’t have to do an hour of yoga to gain instant benefits. Just a few minutes can turn
your whole day around. Sometimes, instead of slamming that phone or reaching for a
cigarette or Cosmo after a hard day, try busting out a few easy yoga moves, and unwind that
stress ball a healthier way.
Here’s a Chair Yoga Sequence you can do at your desk!:
6
9) Chronic lower back pain isn’t really that bad, when compared to other things...like Swine
Flu.
That chair you’re sitting on right now? Muchas crappy for your back.
Most likely, unless you’re a yogi or a dancer, had a posture-obsessed mom, or, like me, have
discovered the Balance Ball Chair, you are spending a lot of time flattening out your lumbar
spine, (low back curve). And this will destroy your spine as surely as if you lifted
refrigerators for a living.
There’s a great article over at Men’s Health that illuminates the seriousness of this habit most
everyone has, and how we’re all careening towards lower back tragedies sooner or later. Lest
this all sound depressing, take heart:
Exercise, and yoga in particular, can not only erase back pain and lighten the stress on your
spine, it can re-structure your body so your lower back curve is supported, healthy, and
strong. What’s more, since yoga lengthens your muscles as well as work them, you won’t end
up with a super strong, but too-tight back, another common cause of lumbar problems.
Sitting up a little straighter now?
Here’s my Wake Up with Yoga video to help your poor stiff back release:
10) Sleeping is for wussies.
I know you love nothing more than watching QVC at 4 am, actually considering the Obama
commemorative dinner plate set because once again, you’re wide awake.
But if you’d ever like to get in your bed at night and still be there, well-rested in the
morning, naturally, and easily, then yoga is one of your best bets.
Yoga breathing, regular or fancy calms your brain waves down in about 30 seconds.
Many yoga poses are designed to reset and balance your adrenal system so you’re instantly
less anxious, focus your mind so your thoughts don’t get the best of you and create a more
balanced central nervous system, you stop fighting or flighting, and can drop off into
slumber.
For more ideas about getting to sleep naturally, read my 5-Steps to Sleep here at Huffington.
Before you take that Ambien, bust out the following moves, and begin the road towards
mastering your beauty rest.
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Yoga for Insomnia video
For more free yoga videos, see my virtual studio at YouTube, or visit www.SadieNardini.com
Things NOT to say to Trans People
https://pinkmantaray.com/dontsay
NOTE: These were compiled directly from followers on my Instagram. If these do not resonate with you and you
are comfortable being asked these things, that’s great!
But I offer a soft reminder that just because you are comfortable answering these questions does NOT mean
that everyone else should also be.
Having the emotional space & grounding & energy to answer these questions is a privilege that not everyone
holds. Though I personally am comfortable answering many of these, my comfort and personal privilege of energy
& grounding does not mean that people should ask these questions, nor does it mean that all trans people must
answer them!
For Things NOT to say to Queer People, visit this page.
And without further ado, Things NOT to say to Trans People–
“You don’t LOOK transgender!” or “I never would have known!”
‘Transgender’ is not a look; it is an identity. There is no one way to “look” transgender. The misconception that you
will always be able to “tell” when a person is transgender is misguided at best and toxic at worst. Trans people
don’t look a certain way. Trans people are just people.
“You pass so well!”
Many people perceive this to be a compliment, but it is backhanded. This is the same as saying: “You fit MY box of
man/womanhood – yay!” This is not appropriate or kind. It says: it’s not okay to look transgender. Our identities &
presentation are not about you or your opinion of us. This statement also perpetuates the belief that gender
expression always equals gender identity which is false!
“What were you born as?”
You don’t need to know what gender anyone was assigned at birth to respect and interact with them! This is an
unnecessary and invasive question.
Additionally, the wording of this question implies that trans people have changed gender when we come out, but
in reality we have just affirmed our true gender. That is, I am a boy, and I have always been. I just haven’t always
had the resources, courage, and language to declare so. So I was not “born a girl,” I was assigned female at birth.
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“What’s your REAL name?”
The names we use are our ‘real.’ If you are a must know someone’s name for legal purposes, make that clear;
e.g. “Because we must interact with your insurance company, I must ask you what your legal name is. I know this
can be painful, so I apologize for this discomfort. If you’d like to write it down instead of speaking it, that’s totally
fine.”
“What was your name before / birthname?”
For trans folks, names given at or before birth are called “deadnames.” Calling a trans person a deadname is called
“deadnaming.” Don’t ask for or use anyone’s deadname. You don’t need to know their deadname in order to
interact with them. Deadnames can often drag forth a great deal of trauma for trans folks and be very painful to
even say aloud.
“You’re so attractive for a transgender person.” or “But why are you more attractive than me?? That’s so
unfair!”
Trans people are not inherently less attractive than cis people. The belief that we are somehow lesser than cis
people is not only inaccurate but very harmful and transphobic. Don’t add “for a trans person” to a compliment. If
you feel the need to do so, ask yourself why. Most likely you’re working with some implicit bias against trans
people. Unpack this!
“Did you get THE surgery?”
Asking a trans person if they’ve gotten “the surgery,” is the same as asking what their genitals look like which is
strange, invasive, inappropriate, and irrelevant. Also, there is also no such thing as the surgery. There are at least 14
surgeries trans folks can get.
“Are you going to do the FULL / COMPLETE / WHOLE transition?”
There is no one way to transition. Everyone’s transition is different. Also, it is no secret to us trans folks that asking
us if we’ll get the “full” transition is you asking us what’s in our pants. See next slide for why asking us what’s in our
pants is not okay.
“What surgeries are you going to have?” or “Are you on / will you take hormones?” or “Do you still have a
vagina/penis?” or any other question about our body parts and genitals.
These are all incredibly invasive, and irrelevant to most if not all interactions with someone. That is, if you don’t ask
strangers to provide their medical history to you, you shouldn’t ask a trans person. If you don’t ask strangers what
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their penises or clitorises look like then you shouldn’t ask a trans person. If you do ask strangers this, you might
want to reassess your priorities.
I believe this applies to romantic interactions as well. You don’t walk up to someone, pull their pants down, inspect
their genitalia, and then fall in love with them. Usually you start by asking them if and where they’d like to go to
dinner.
“When did you CHOOSE / DECIDE to be transgender?”
Being transgender is not something that anyone decided or chose. Someone can decide to come out.
Someone can choose* to transition. But being transgender itself is an identity. No one has to do anything to be
transgender. Nothing happened to make someone trans. Someone just is transgender.
*NOTE: Though there is volition in transition, for many trans folks, transitioning does not feel like a “choice.”
Transition often feels necessary to live.
“This is so hard for ME.” or “I’m just so used to your deadname / other pronouns so it’s hard to change.”
Although none of this is about you, it is allowed to feel hard for you. That feeling is valid. Feelings are always valid.
Actions because of those feelings are NOT always valid. That is, just because a task is hard does not mean you
shouldn’t do it. You absolutely can, and should, do hard things – while recognizing that mistakes do happen. It’s
how you deal with them that matters. Apologize & correct yourself. Remember that habit and history are not
excuses. Habit and history can most certainly explain difficulty & reflex, but as time progresses, tolerance for
mistakes decreases – and rightly so.
Read more at pinkmantaray.com/pronouns
“But you were such a pretty girl/handsome man!” or “Why are you destroying your man/womanhood?”
or “You’re ruining your body.”
My transition is NOT to make others comfortable or happy, to fit into others’ standards of manhood, to be
attractive in the eyes of others, to be beautiful in the eyes of others, or to garner approval of my beauty (bye,
trolls). My transition IS for MY happiness, for MY congruence, for MY peace; for ME.
“Can I see a before picture?”
No one owes you photos of their journey to arrive in front of you today. Not only can this feel invasive and painful
– many trans folks do not like looking at old pictures of themselves because this brings back trauma and dysphoria
– but it also can be very reductive of our humanity. Trans folks’ journeys are often especially sensationalized
through our images. But trans people are not just a shocking transformation. We are not girl-then-boy, or boy-
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then-girl. We have not changed genders; we have shifted our presentations to match our true gender. That is, we
are people with rich stories and history. We are not a before-and-after. We are all a during and during.
“Well are you biologically female/male?”
First, our biology and anatomy is none of your business. It’s no secret to us then when folks ask us this, they’re truly
asking what’s in our pants. Which is the same as asking us, “What do your genitals look like?” Which is weird,
inappropriate, and irrelevant.
Second, keep in mind that biology is not actually binary as many of us were taught in grade school! Check
out pinkmantaray.com/sex for a quick biology lesson. In summary, there are actually five main components of
biological sex: chromosomes, hormones, hormone expression, internal genitalia, and external genitalia.
“The Bible says transgender people are an abomination.”
No, it does not. There is, quite literally, NO mention of transgender people in the Bible!
The bible does, however, say to love your neighbor as yourself over 100 times in 100 different verses (Romans 13:810, Leviticus 19:18, Mark 12:31, and many more.)
The bible also talks about compassion in 14+ versus, saying that we should “clothe [ourselves] with compassion,
kindness, humility, gentleness and patience,” (Psalm 112:3-5). Nowhere does it say you should hate or discriminate
against transgender people. If you are using the Bible to justify your hatred of trans people you are not only
inaccurate but also disrespectful.
“God doesn’t love you.” or “You’re going to hell.”
Although I do not consider myself religious, I do NOT hate Christianity or religion. I hate when people use it to fuel
or justify their hate.
I also believe Jesus existed. It seems clear that he was a very good person who effected radical change in the
world.
And Jesus’s message was love. Was compassion. That is also clear. I absolutely aspire to practice and hold the
values that Jesus did. Integrity, hope, forgiveness, peace-giving, generosity, compassion, and love. I wish these
values (not Religion, necessarily) on everyone.
“You’re just going through a phase / confused.” or “Well it’s just trendy.”
Being LGBTQ+ is almost never a phase. People are not gay or trans or bi because ”it’s cool,” or “a trend.” Being
LGBTQ+ in this world is often very difficult and many queer folks I know spent years trying desperately to be
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straight or cis to avoid the pain and discrimination we experience. We don’t come out because it’s trendy or we’re
screwing around, we declare our identities as survival.
“You’re too masculine/feminine.” or “You’re too tall/short.” or “Your voice is too high/low.”
Our bodies are not for you to judge. No one’s bodies are. Let’s move away from this culture of body shaming, body
judging, body-focusing. Remember that everyone – including trans people – is more than their body. Don’t reduce
trans people to our bodies and how they look to you.
“Have you thought this through?”
Yes. Of course we have.
It is likely we’ve spent months if not years thinking this through, crying ourselves to sleep at night. Our transness is
not a whim or an afterthought or a trend. It is not impulsive or poorly thought-through.
“Wait… aren’t you just gay?”
Gender identity is not the same as sexual orientation. For simplicity’s sake:
Gender identity = who you are,
Sexual orientation = to whom you are attracted.
Most often, when someone transitions, sexuality does not shift*. However, the label for the sexuality might change
so that it reflects the person’s true gender identity. For example, I’ve always dated women. Before I transitioned, I
called myself gay because I hadn’t realized I was transgender. Since coming out as a trans man, I call myself
straight because I am not a woman attracted to women; I am a man attracted to women, and the word we use for
that is straight.
*Sometimes sexuality does shift through transition, and often this is because people feel more comfortable
expressing themselves and their true sexuality through finding authenticity in transition.
“So I can’t talk to trans people about anything???”
No. If not asking invasive and intensely personal questions to trans people means you cannot talk to us about
anything, that is a you problem. You don’t walk to random strangers and ask them about their genitals or their
medical history; you don’t question random cishet* strangers’ gender or sexuality. “When did you know you were
cisgender? You’re straight, how did you tell your parents??” Because that’s rude and strange. You should have the
same respect for trans folks.
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A great first line with a trans person is always, “Hi, how are you?” just like with any other person you meet.
*cishet = cisgender + heterosexual (i.e. not queer)
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