Unspoken Rules, Unshakable Power:
The Silent Shapers of Our Behavior
Written by: Terry Teh
On the way home, the mass of commuters at Woodlands Bus Interchange surged around me, and
I fell in step with heavy legs as the current bore me forward. Leaning sluggishly against the cold
metallic barriers once I joined the queue, I habitually pulled out my phone to update my social media.
“Please get back in line! Everyone here is waiting too!”, a loud shout suddenly cut through the
tranquil air and snapped everyone’s attention. Instantly, I paused my fingers from swiping across the
screen and scanned over the crowd. Countless sharp gazes focused on a firm guard commanding a
lady adorned with jewellery and carrying multiple shopping bags, who was attempting to board the
bus without queueing. Murmurs of discussion began around me, awaiting the next confrontation. To
my surprise, the lady simply moved off and other commuters just carried on like nothing had
happened
Soon, the 950-bus arrived with a gust of wind. My fatigue from studying drove me to quickly
settle down on an isolated seat in the corner. With my head leant against the window, the bus’s gentle
sway lulled me into sleep. Out of nowhere, the rhythm of “Talking to the Moon” stirred me awake. As
I opened my eyes wondering whose phone had rung to disturb my nap, I noticed every passenger
staring at me. It was my own! I speedily picked up my mum’s call, but under the weight of their sharp
gazes, my voice caught in my throat. What did I do wrong?
These events highlighted a stark contrast in how different types of rules are enforced alongside
their effects on the behaviours of both the offender and those around them. Breaking the spoken rule
of queueing triggered an organized response: commands were issued, sharp gazes locked in, and
murmurs rippled through the crowd. Yet, the tension dissipated just as quickly as it arose once the
offender retreated. This shows that enforcement of queueing relies on the power of formal regulations,
thus leading to behaviours that are visible and deliberate but ultimately transient. On the other hand,
the disruption on the bus was more subtle as even a simple phone call drew intense stares from
passengers. Although no one spoke, the collective disapproval had an immense behavioural effect on
me as I felt paralyzed by their watchful eyes.
Considering the quiet norm is neither stated nor debated unlike the queueing rule, its influence on
behaviour remained. This presence of distinct mechanisms that shapes behaviour begs the question:
do unspoken rules exert more influence over behaviour than spoken rules?
In a journal article by Dempsey, McAlaney and Bewick (2018), they appraise that unspoken
social norms influence one’s behaviour through perceptions of peer behaviours and attitudes. This is
often because they overestimate the prevalence of certain actions or attitudes within particular social
groups and therefore, the social pressure to align with the perceived unspoken rules is created,
reinforcing the behaviour even if it is not widely practiced (Dempsey et al., 2018). Furthermore,
Dempsey, McAlaney and Bewick’s (2018) study pointed out that the impact of these misperceptions is
especially powerful in public settings, where behaviour is subtly guided by social expectations rather
than formal rules.
Dempsey, McAlaney and Bewick (2018) summarizes that when misperception aligns with
overestimation, they greatly amplify the influence of unspoken rules in directing individual behaviour.
This strongly resonates with the behaviour patterns observed in Singapore’s public transport system:
although passengers may not intend to be quiet, they conform to the unspoken expectation of silence
on buses just because they believe others prefer it. However, reflecting on this misperception, the
authors fail to consider the individual’s emotional discomfort associated with violating unspoken
norms, which is what I believe plays a pivotal role in shaping behaviour. I opine that emotional
discomfort leads to powerful social pressure that is more influential than formal rules. It would
explain why collective stares from the other passengers when someone disturbs the quiet on a bus
evoked a stronger response than verbal reprimands about not queueing; it is all due to the emotional
discomfort, which can leave a more lasting impression on one’s mind and therefore behaviour.
This idea can be developed further by analysing the difference in behaviour when driven by
external factors, particularly in cases of violating spoken rules. Newburn and Jones (2022)
emphasized that formal spoken rules shape behaviour by leveraging the public's fear of external
consequences, such as warnings, fines, and legal penalties, where these threats of financial loss or
legal repercussions will discourage non-compliance. Moreover, Newburn and Jones (2022) noticed
that repeated offenses often result in punitive escalation. These punishments not only target
individuals but signal broader societal expectations for reinforcing the importance of adherence within
the community (Newburn & Jones, 2022). In short, Newburn and Jones (2022) believe that people are
driven by external factors, rather than internal motivations, in adhering to formal regulations.
Newburn and Jones (2022) offer the opinion that compliance with rules is effectively driven by
external factors. Through external actions of imposing fines and legal repercussions, these immediate
consequences of breaking rules set visible boundaries to promote habitual obedience among the
public’s behaviours over time. However, Newburn and Jones (2022) neglected that such tangible
deterrents do not restrict everyone’s behaviour equally, especially those with financial freedom. For
instance, the arrogant wealthy lady who attempted to cut the queue may have assumed herself able to
prevail over the acts of authority, just because she felt her money could buy everything, including
power and respect. What went unseen here was that the lady ultimately ceased her disruptive
behaviour as she compromised under the social pressure which led to her embarrassment and
emotional tension. With this, it is clear that people’s behaviour in obeying rules may not be merely
driven by external constraints and influence, but rather something that lies deeper in our emotion.
By juxtaposing the insights from Dempsey, McAlaney and Bewick (2018) against those of
Newburn and Jones, it becomes apparent that external factors alone, whether misperception on other’s
behaviour or physical punishment, are insufficient to explain why individuals adhere to rules. While
misperception creates social pressure to conform to unspoken rules, and spoken rules rely on the
threat of penalties to enforce compliance, all these environmental influences only scratch the surface.
Beneath these external drivers lie a more intrinsic factor: emotional discomfort. It is actually this
internal emotional discomfort, fuelled by the fear of social disapproval and the desire for belonging
that arises more frequently in the context of unspoken rules, which underscores the unspoken rules do
exert more influence over behaviour than spoken rules.
Building on Newburn and Jones's (2022) overlooked point about emotional discomfort as a key
internal motivator, I propose that a lack of self-confidence in one's actions clarifies how this
discomfort influences behaviour. In many cases, those who lack self-confidence are overly dependent
on external validation. They believe that by blending into groups of people, they gain social approval
and respect. However, the drive to seek for approval creates an endless cycle as they act in ways that
prioritize group acceptance which would lead to further erosion of self-confidence. To break this cycle
of reinforced conformity, people should cultivate strong moral values as a foundation to selfconfidence. By grounding ourselves in distinct personal principles such as honesty, integrity and
respect, we gain a steady sense of identity and self-worth, without needing to rely on others’ approval.
Over time, this concrete moral grounding allows us to act authentically, no matter in obeying spoken
rules or unspoken rules, by aligning our behaviour with values upheld rather than social expectations.
“Laws control the lesser man. Right conduct controls the greater one” (Mark Twain, 2014). Begin
today – act with intention, question conformity, and choose values over expectations.
References
Dempsey, R. C., McAlaney, J., & Bewick, B. M. (2018). A Critical Appraisal of the Social Norms
Approach as an Interventional Strategy for Health-Related Behaviour and Attitude Change. Frontiers
in Psychology, 9(2180). https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.02180
Newburn, T., & Jones, T. (2022). OUP accepted manuscript. British Journal of Criminology, 62(5).
https://doi.org/10.1093/bjc/azac032
Twain, M. (2014). Mark Twain on Common Sense. Simon and Schuster.