Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Cambridge International AS Level
English General Paper 8021
For examination from 2023
© Cambridge University Press & Assessment 2023 v1
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Contents
Introduction.......................................................................................................................................................................4
Question 1........................................................................................................................................................................6
Example Candidate Response – high..............................................................................................................................6
Example Candidate Response – middle..........................................................................................................................9
Example Candidate Response – low.............................................................................................................................13
Question 3......................................................................................................................................................................15
Example Candidate Response – high............................................................................................................................15
Example Candidate Response – middle........................................................................................................................19
Example Candidate Response – low.............................................................................................................................22
Question 8......................................................................................................................................................................24
Example Candidate Response – high............................................................................................................................24
Example Candidate Response – middle........................................................................................................................28
Example Candidate Response – low.............................................................................................................................30
Question 9......................................................................................................................................................................32
Example Candidate Response – high............................................................................................................................32
Example Candidate Response – middle........................................................................................................................37
Example Candidate Response – low.............................................................................................................................40
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Introduction
The main aim of this booklet is to exemplify standards for those teaching Cambridge International AS Level English
General Paper, and to show how different levels of candidates’ performance (high, middle and low) relate to the
syllabus requirements. This document helps teachers to assess the standards required to achieve marks beyond the
guidance of the mark scheme.
In this booklet candidate responses have been chosen from the June 2023 exam series to exemplify a range of
answers.
For each question, the response is annotated with examiner comments about where and why marks were awarded or
omitted. This is followed by comments on how the answer could be improved. There is also a list of common mistakes
and guidance for candidates.
Please refer to the June 2023 Examiner Report for further details and guidance.
The mark scheme is available on the School Support Hub
8021 June 2023 Question Paper 11
8021 June 2023 Mark Scheme 11
Past exam resources and other teaching and learning resources are available on the School Support Hub
4
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
How to use this booklet
This booklet goes through the paper one question at a time, showing you the high-, middle- and low level response for
each question. In the left-hand column are the candidate responses, and in the right-hand column are the examiner
comments.
Example Candidate Response – high
Examiner comments
1 A general but balanced
introduction which focuses on
the wording of the question.
1
2 A clear point is made about
the importance of exploration in
uncovering possible dangers to
the planet. This is exemplified
by the idea of exploring tectonic
2
Answers are by real candidates in exam conditions.
These show you the types of answers for each level.
Discuss and analyse the answers with learners in the
classroom to improve their skills.
Examiner comments are
alongside the answers. These
explain where and why marks
were awarded. This helps you
to interpret the standard of
Cambridge exams so you can
help your learners to refine their
exam technique.
How the candidate could improve their answer
•
•
•
Use more ambitious vocabulary and more secure linking of ideas.
Use more sustained and developed evaluation to sustain arguments.
Use a wider range of examples.
This section explains how the candidate could have
improved each answer. This helps you to interpret
the standards of Cambridge exams and helps your
learners to refine their exam technique.
Common mistakes and guidance
•
•
Discussion of how exploration of the oceans is important but without any focus on the survival of the planet.
Candidates should unpick the wording of the question to ensure that their answer fully addresses all the key issues
it raises.
The inclusion of inappropriate examples such as fictional or mythical creatures (the Kraken and Megalodon) does
not help to advance a credible and appropriate argument. The examples used should be specific as well as being
real.
This section lists common mistakes as well as
helpful guidance from the examiner. This will help
your learners to avoid these mistakes. You can
use this alongside the relevant Examiner Report to
guide your learners.
5
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Question 1
Example Candidate Response – high
Examiner comments
1 A general but balanced
introduction which focuses on the
wording of the question.
1
2 A clear point is made about
the importance of exploration in
uncovering possible dangers to
the planet. This is exemplified by
the idea of exploring tectonic to
become more aware of the dangers
of tsunamis.
2
3
3 The argument is developed
further with the idea of the
possibility of dangerous organisms
and how finding these could help
protect humans.
6
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – high, continued
Examiner comments
4
4 A different angle is explored
by finding out what needs help,
including coral reefs. A specific,
developed example is included
here, with a brief examination of
Mike Goldberg’s work.
5
5 Some evaluation is evident,
where the candidate steps back and
assesses Mike Goldberg’s work.
6
6 The candidate also considers
the dangers of exploring the ocean
with man-made machines being
harmful. The example of the oil rig
is valid.
7
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – high, continued
Examiner comments
7 There is a further example of
stepping back and evaluating the
impact that humans have had on
the oceans and how help is needed
to secure their survival due to the
damage humans have caused.
7
8 The conclusion ties ideas
together, but there is no fresh
evaluation.
8
9 The response is written using
clear vocabulary with an appropriate
formal register for an academic
essay. Vocabulary is ambitious
and largely accurate. There is
some analysis of the question
and some moments of evaluation.
Examples are sometimes applied
appropriately to the main ideas.
9
Total mark awarded =
21 out of 30
How the candidate could improve their answer
•
•
•
Use more ambitious vocabulary and more secure linking of ideas.
Use more sustained and developed evaluation to sustain arguments.
Use a wider range of examples.
8
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – middle
Examiner comments
1
1 The candidate places the
question in context and there is
some focus on the wording of the
question in this brief introduction.
2
2 There is identification of
how scientists have successfully
invented machinery to explore the
depth of the oceans with some
comment on its limitations. This
links with the challenges of ocean
exploration.
3
3 The importance of further
discovery is stated and the example
of marine biologists and their
discoveries about pollution help
to clarify this point. The impact of
plastic and litter on marine life is
explored and exemplified clearly.
9
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – middle, continued
Examiner comments
4 The impact of plastic and litter
on marine life is explored and
exemplified clearly.
4
5 The importance of knowing
about sea creatures is stated
for our own safety. This includes
examples of a bacterial fungus and
Megalodons. The latter example is
unconvincing and dubious as it is a
mythical creature.
5
10
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – middle, continued
Examiner comments
6 The point about answering
questions is valid, even if linked
to the less convincing Megalodon
idea. However, this point is then
linked to Krakens, another dubious
example.
6
7 The example of touching
jellyfish tentacles is better at
focusing on the dangers found in
the oceans. Humans can benefit
from this knowledge, thus enabling
our survival.
7
8 The conclusion is very brief and
lacks evaluative comment.
9 The candidate communicates
clearly with largely appropriate
register. The response is largely
coherent with some organisation.
The question is understood and
the argument is logical in places
but the conclusion is a little basic.
Examples are applied to the main
ideas, although some of them are
unconvincing.
8
9
11
Total mark awarded =
17 out of 30
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
How the candidate could improve their answer
•
•
•
Use more advanced vocabulary and avoid contractions.
Develop a more evaluative conclusion.
Ensure all examples support the arguments presented.
12
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – low
Examiner comments
1
1 The introduction is brief but has
some focus. Comments are very
general at this stage such as ‘we
need our oceans to survive’.
2
2 The point about access to
food is valid but is not developed.
A new point about the discovery
of different animals is made briefly
before moving on to the water
cycle. Both ideas are worthy of a
paragraph for development, but
they are afforded very little space.
3 The list-like format of the
response continues with a comment
on the ocean being full of creatures
that are yet to be seen. This is
assertive and unsupported by any
evidence. The blob fish is identified
but it is not used to make any valid
or relevant points.
3
13
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – low, continued
Examiner comments
4
4 The candidate asks us to
‘imagine the endless possibilities
when it comes to sea creatures’
but does not go on to explore this,
making the point very vague.
5
5 The valid point about oceans
being linked to natural disasters
such as tsunamis has potential, but
this is left undeveloped.
6 A very general comment about
‘hundreds of thousands of lives
have been saved’ is made, without
any specific details of how or where.
The response ends mid-sentence
with no conclusion.
6
7 The response is written clearly
overall, but it is fragmented and
often a list of ideas. Language is
everyday and shows evidence of
some control. Whilst there is some
understanding of the question, there
is no conclusion, and the argument
is only partially supported by
evidence. The candidate includes
very few specific examples, but
there are some general ones
evident.
7
Total mark awarded =
11 out of 30
How the candidate could improve their answer
•
•
•
Develop individual ideas in much greater detail.
Formulate and present a clear conclusion based on the arguments presented.
Include relevant examples to support and illustrate the points being made.
Common mistakes and guidance
•
•
Discussion of how exploration of the oceans is important but without any focus on the survival of the planet.
Candidates should unpick the wording of the question to ensure that their answer fully addresses all the key issues
it raises.
The inclusion of inappropriate examples such as fictional or mythical creatures (the Kraken and Megalodon) does
not help to advance a credible and appropriate argument. The examples used should be specific as well as being
real.
14
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Question 3
Example Candidate Response – high
Examiner comments
1 Whilst there are some errors in
expression, the introduction is clear
and focused on the question.
1
2 The second paragraph focuses
on how the reach of television is
important exemplifying this with
Stranger Things and how it has
brought Metallica and Kate Bush
back into mainstream culture.
There is a clearly made point about
the renewed popularity of 1980s
clothes.
2
3 The candidate briefly steps
back and evaluates the impact
of television and ties this to the
wording of the question.
3
4
4 The point is further extended
with the example of the drama
series, Squid Game and its impact
on society.
15
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – high, continued
5
Examiner comments
5 The paragraph ends with a
clear link back to the wording of the
question.
6 The candidate considers other
forms of entertainment that appear
on television. The way sport has an
impact on the lives of Americans
is examined in some detail. A
reasonably wide range of ideas is
explored.
6
7 The importance of new
programmes is discussed and how
they can affect people’s lives. A
wide range of ideas are considered.
7
16
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – high, continued
Examiner comments
8
8 The other side of the argument
is examined using books, and how
they are not as popular nowadays
due to technology.
9
9 Social media is also examined,
and its popularity is explored with
the support of examples. The ondemand nature of social media is
considered a key factor.
10
10 The candidate offers a useful
assessment with some evaluation
of personal circumstances dictating
which form of entertainment is
the most popular. The question
is always at the forefront of the
candidate’s thinking throughout the
essay.
17
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – high, continued
11
Examiner comments
11 The essay is written clearly.
Although the vocabulary is not
ambitious, there is control and ideas
are clearly linked in an organised
manner. There are moments of
evaluation though these are not
sustained. The arguments are wellreasoned using helpful supporting
evidence. Examples are applied
appropriately for most of the
response.
Total mark awarded =
24 out of 30
How the candidate could improve their answer
•
•
•
Use a wider range of more ambitious vocabulary and sentence structures.
Introduce more sustained evaluation.
Use a greater range of examples to support the arguments.
18
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – middle
Examiner comments
1 There is a general focus on the
question with the candidate’s views
stated. There are some errors such
as ‘part of the pass’.
1
2 The second paragraph opens
awkwardly with the phrase ‘To
begin’. This is better omitted.
2
3
3 YouTube is offered as an
example with details about what it
offers. There are several spelling
and register issues here and a more
conversational tone is adopted.
4 The next paragraph would be
better without ‘To continue’ at the
beginning. The paragraph continues
to offer details of what YouTube
offers the consumer. A wider range
of ideas and examples would make
the argument stronger.
4
19
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – middle, continued
Examiner comments
5
5 Video games are considered
with examples such as Fifa. The
idea of playing rather than watching
is a valid point which is aptly linked
to playing tag as a child.
6 The enjoyment of watching
television is considered with the
support of general comments.
General statements are made which
are unsupported by evidence.
6
20
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – middle, continued
Examiner comments
7 The choices offered by Netflix
are considered as opposed to
watching terrestrial television,
highlighting the difference between
streaming, and being tied to a fixed
schedule. Register lapses continue
with ‘you guys’ – too informal for an
academic essay.
7
8 The need to pay for movie
websites and apps is made. There
are further examples of informal
register with ‘Well, this is true’ which
is too conversational in style.
9 ‘To wrap it up’ is very informal
and it would be better to begin the
conclusion with ‘Television is not as
entertaining…’.
8
10 The candidate considers
alternatives to television throughout
the essay but does not clearly focus
on television itself and what it can
offer, making the argument a little
imbalanced. Examples are applied
to the main ideas, but a greater
range is needed.
9
10
11
11 The response is communicated
clearly overall, despite the errors
and there is some control. Register
is inconsistent at times, but there
are appropriate moments. There
is partial understanding of the
question’s meaning, but more focus
on television is needed. Ideas are
developed and brought together to
form a conclusion. Examples are
applied to main ideas, but a greater
range is needed.
Total mark awarded =
14 out of 30
How the candidate could improve their answer
•
•
•
Use a more formal register and remove awkward openings to paragraphs.
Make the essay more balanced with a focus on what television does offer.
Include a greater range of examples.
21
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – low
Examiner comments
1 There is focus on the question
and a stance is taken. There
are a number of basic errors in
expression including ‘witch’, ‘veary’
and some awkward sentence
construction.
1
2
2 The use of the telephone
is considered but the candidate
describes how it has evolved and its
functions rather than considering its
use for entertainment compared to
the television. Several basic errors
occur throughout the paragraph.
3 The third paragraph is a
description of the television and
how it has evolved. This descriptive
approach is one of the problems
with the essay as an argument does
not develop.
3
22
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – low, continued
Examiner comments
4 There is a lengthy description
of how the use of computers has
evolved and improved. This does
not focus on the wording of the
question.
4
5 The conclusion links back
to the question but offers little
development of an argument.
5
6
6 The response communicates
clearly in places with some control
but there are a lot of basic errors.
There is a partial understanding of
the question, but an argument fails
to develop as the essay consists
of mostly description of various
media sources and how they have
improved. There is little focus on
the key words ‘always’ and ‘most
popular’ from the question. Some
examples are given but they are
only occasionally applied to ideas.
Total mark awarded =
11 out of 30
How the candidate could improve their answer
•
•
•
Proofread the essay to correct basic errors in expression.
A clearer focus on answering the question rather than describing how various media are used and have evolved.
Give clear, relevant examples to support arguments and ideas.
Common mistakes and guidance
•
•
A tendency to describe the use of television and how it has evolved as well as describing other forms of
entertainment. Though description may be needed to clarify a point, the formulation of an argument based on the
question is crucial.
Some of the key words found in the question are not considered. Candidates need to engage with ‘always will be’
and ‘most popular form’ in order to generate an evaluative argument.
23
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Question 8
Example Candidate Response – high
Examiner comments
1 The candidate begins with a
clear definition of democracy using
some ambitious vocabulary such
as ‘first machinations’. There is
clear focus on the wording of the
question.
1
24
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – high, continued
Examiner comments
2 A clear reason supporting
democracy being the best form
of government is offered. This
is expressed using ambitious
vocabulary: ‘to have sovereignty
over decisions…’. The point
would appear stronger if a specific
example had been used in support.
2
3
3 Equality of votes is also given
as a reason: a clear, valid point
though lacking the support of an
example.
4 A converse argument is
proposed with the supporting
example of the Weimar Republic.
This illustrates that people may
prefer a non-democratic system.
4
25
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – high, continued
Examiner comments
5 The candidate steps back
and offers some evaluation of the
subject, but this could be more fully
developed.
5
6 The evaluative comment
develops further, and a general
example is offered, but a more
specific one would make this point
more convincing.
6
7 The dangers of democracy
are considered with the use of a
range of valid arguments. A specific
example would help to support this
case.
7
26
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – high, continued
8
9
Examiner comments
8 The candidate steps back and
offers an evaluative conclusion
which assesses the key arguments
from the body of the essay.
9 The essay is communicated
clearly with control and a range of
accurate vocabulary. The candidate
develops and begins to evaluate
a range of arguments and offers a
well-reasoned argument. Examples
are applied to some ideas, but
a greater range and depth of
exemplification is needed.
Total mark awarded =
22 out of 30
How the candidate could improve their answer
•
•
Offer more sustained evaluation to support the arguments proposed.
Support the arguments made with a range of clear, appropriate examples.
27
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – middle
1
Examiner comments
1 Despite there being an informal
opening using ‘can be a very tricky
decision….’ there is a very clear
focus on the question.
2 The example of America
is offered to support a good
democracy. Rights and the
constitution are considered, and
general comments are offered on
how these operate.
2
3 The candidate describes
various forms of democracy and
how corruption can be prevented.
More analysis is needed to expand
this into a plausible argument.
3
28
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – middle, continued
Examiner comments
4 The converse is discussed
using the issue of people not having
the knowledge to make a proper,
informed decision. Though good
ideas, these need to be expanded
and developed with the addition of
appropriate examples.
4
5
5 The conclusion ties the essay’s
main ideas together but offers no
evaluative view.
6 The response is communicated
clearly and with control using
everyday vocabulary. Some
organisation is evident. There is
logical argument which confirms
an understanding of the question
with ideas leading to a conclusion.
Examples are linked to some points,
but these could have greater range
and depth.
6
Total mark awarded =
16 out of 30
How the candidate could improve their answer
•
•
•
•
Avoid informality in the use of expressions.
Develop a greater range of arguments.
Evaluate all the ideas presented.
Use a greater range of appropriate examples.
29
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – low
Examiner comments
1
1 A general overview of
democracies is given with some
examples. The candidate has a
clear point of view.
2
2 Whilst the candidate begins to
consider other forms of government,
the tone is overly informal: ‘sure…’,
‘no stressed out citizens’, ‘how
they’re gonna’ – this informal tone is
sustained which is not appropriate
for a formal, academic essay.
3
3 There are a series of rhetorical
questions, which is inappropriate for
a formal essay.
30
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – low, continued
Examiner comments
4 The candidate describes other
forms of government/leadership.
These are briefly compared with
democracy but remain vague and
unclear due to a lack of examples.
4
5 An unsupported assertion is
made. The point would have been
clearer and more convincing with an
example. The overly informal style
continues.
5
6 ‘To end off’ is not a good way to
open a conclusion. The paragraph
would be better beginning without
these words. The conclusion is
generalised and lacks clarity.
6
7
7 The response is clear overall
but written in an inconsistent
register. The argument is a little
fragmented and needs more
coherence. The question is
understood but is only partially
supported by evidence and this
refers to arguments to form a
conclusion. Examples are applied to
some ideas, but these lack variety
and development.
Total mark awarded =
12 out of 30
How the candidate could improve their answer
•
•
•
•
Write in a more formal register.
Do not use rhetorical questions.
Develop specific arguments related to the ideas and evidence introduced.
Use a range of examples to support viewpoints.
Common mistakes and guidance
•
•
Describing a democracy and other forms of government but failing to assess which is the best. Better essays would
argue whether democracy was the best form of government with supporting examples. This could be compared
with other types of government such as dictatorships and monarchies. By assessing the strengths and weaknesses
of each type of government a logical conclusion can be drawn and give the potential for evaluative reasoning.
Writing in an overly informal, conversational style. Academic essays should be written in a consistently formal
register.
31
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Question 9
Example Candidate Response – high
Examiner comments
1 There is an evaluative edge to
the introduction as the candidate
steps back to assess the nature
of friendship and how humans are
‘social creatures’. Several issues
are considered in the overview
using ambitious vocabulary and
sentence structure. For example:
‘The recent invention of the internet
has only accelerated this process of
social collaboration in ways that we
have never seen before’.
1
2
2 Paragraph 2 opens fluently,
focusing on the difficulties of being
able to ‘read’ someone hidden
behind a screen.
3 Examples are clear and the
phraseology is assured. The terms
‘catfish’, ‘doxing’ and ‘scamming’
are defined and explored in the
context of the question. Each of
these could be examined in more
detail.
3
32
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – high, continued
Examiner comments
4
4 A clear comment is made on
how awareness of the problems has
grown and there are examples of
how this has happened.
5
5 Both sides of the argument are
presented: we need to be safe, but
this could develop into paranoia.
The candidate is thoughtfully trying
to evaluate the arguments.
33
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – high, continued
Examiner comments
6
6 The paranoia point is
supported by an example of the
media reporting on all the negative
aspects of the internet. This is a
good example of evaluation where
the candidate has stepped back
from the issues and offered their
personal judgement, for example:
‘Although it may seem like everyone
could be a psycho hiding in their
computer…..are truly out to get
people’.
7
7 That the internet can enable
relationships that are already
established to prosper is a valid
point. Examples are given to
support this view including a
personal example which is fair and
valid.
34
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – high, continued
Examiner comments
8 The candidate briefly considers
the alternative viewpoint before
exploring how online friendships
can last a lifetime. YouTube is used
as a helpful, supportive example.
An exploration of places where
friendships can be made other
than online would enhance this
argument.
8
9 The ‘Sidemen’ example is
appropriate and illustrates the idea
of how strong bonds and long-term
relationships and collaborations can
result.
9
10 The candidate steps back and
offers an evaluative conclusion,
summarising several of the key
points made in the argument.
10
11 The candidate communicates
clearly using a range of vocabulary
in a controlled manner. The
response is focused, linking ideas
with the use of text that is generally
well organised. The argument
is clearly reasoned with some
moments of evaluation. Examples
are applied appropriately to support
several of the main ideas.
Total mark awarded =
24 out of 30
11
35
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
How the candidate could improve their answer
•
•
•
•
Use vocabulary that is more ambitious with a greater range of expressions.
Place more focus on the word ‘genuine’ in the question.
Examine and extend arguments about genuine friendships in more depth by exploring other places where they can
be forger other than online.
Use a greater range of supportive examples could be used for the opposing side to the argument.
36
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – middle
Examiner comments
1
1 There is a clear focus on the
question with an attempt to put the
topic in a context and to outline both
sides of the argument.
2
2 The idea of the risk being taken
when meeting someone online is
stated as well as the potential of
meeting someone who you would
not normally meet with similar
interests. Both sides are considered
but the argument is not developed.
The word ‘you’re’ should be written
as ‘you are’ and is an example
of a contraction. These should
be avoided in a formal academic
essay. However, a contraction is
acceptable if it forms part of a direct
quotation.
37
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – middle, continued
Examiner comments
3 The use of Facebook to help
develop a friendship is exemplified.
3
4 The candidate offers a
conclusion which summarises the
main points raised in the essay.
There is a focus on the wording
of the question, but the argument
would have been stronger if the
notion of how friendships can be
formed in other places other than
online had been explored. The
word ‘only’ in the question has been
overlooked.
4
38
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – middle, continued
Examiner comments
5 The use of Facetime to help
develop a friendship is exemplified.
5
6 The candidate offers a
conclusion which summarises the
main points raised in the essay.
There is a focus on the wording
of the question, but the argument
would have been stronger if the
notion of how friendships can be
formed in other places apart from
online had been explored. The
word ‘only’ in the question has been
overlooked.
6
7 The candidate communicates
clearly overall with some
appropriate but inconsistent
register. Everyday vocabulary
is used with some control. The
response is mostly coherent, and
the argument offered is usually
logical and supported by evidence.
Ideas are developed and brought
together to form a conclusion,
but the focus is only on one side.
Consequently, the response reveals
only a partial understanding of the
question. Examples are applied
to the main ideas. More attention
to balance and a greater range of
views would have led to a higher
mark being awarded.
7
Total mark awarded =
16 out of 30
How the candidate could improve their answer
•
•
•
Use more ambitious vocabulary with fewer contractions and informal expression.
Offer an evaluative argument which is absent due to a lack of balance.
Introduce a greater range of supporting arguments and examples on both sides of the case.
39
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – low
Examiner comments
1 The introduction does have a
focus on the question and gives a
clear point of view. There is some
informality evident with the use of
the contraction ‘that’s’ which would
be better written as ‘that is’.
1
2 The second paragraph begins
‘To start off’. This is clumsy, informal
expression and should be avoided.
‘Genuine friendships can never
be made only online…’ is a more
succinct way to begin. Informality
continues with ‘you are never 100%
sure’. A more acceptable version for
a formal essay would be ‘you are
never completely sure’.
2
3
4
5
3 There are some assertive
comments such as ‘kids don’t know
any better and they trust anyone
they meet’. A better version of this
phrase might be ‘many children
trust most people they meet’. This
is a more convincing and less
assertive phrase.
4 The point made is valid – you
cannot trust everyone online and
an example is provided to support
this which illustrates the YouTube
experiment proving that the online
environment is unsafe.
6
5 The essay has several
moments where expression is
awkward such as ‘It is up to an
extent…’ being an example. This
is why the essay has some control,
but the control is not sustained.
6 Paragraph 3 begins with a
valid point about making friends
outdoors. However, the paragraph
then proceeds to discuss the use
of a phone app, Snapchat, and its
new MyAI ‘bot friend’ which appears
to contradict the initial point. This
needs to be linked more clearly
to the question and a greater
balance needs to be given to the
argument. This is the second of
only two examples in the essay and
a greater range of examples and
arguments need to be presented,
both for and against the statement
in the question.
40
Example Candidate Responses – Paper 1
Example Candidate Response – low, continued
Examiner comments
7 The final paragraph introduces
a new point and there is no
conclusion. The candidate does not
offer an evaluative summing up of
the ideas presented in the argument
leaving the essay incomplete. There
is little focus on the word ‘only’ from
the question as the candidate is
mainly concerned with how online
friends might be a good or a bad
thing. The ways in which other
media allow friendships to thrive or
not is hardly considered, resulting
in a partial understanding of the
question.
7
8
8 The essay shows the
candidate can communicate
clearly overall with inconsistent
use of an appropriate register.
Everyday vocabulary is used with
some control. The response is a
little fragmented, but it does link
some ideas. There is a partial
understanding of the meaning of
the question, but no conclusion
is proposed with the overall
argument only partially supported
by evidence. There are examples
applied to some of the ideas and
opinions, but there needs to a
greater range of these examples to
support both sides of the argument.
Total mark awarded =
12 out of 30
How the candidate could improve their answer
•
•
•
Write in a more formal register, omitting contractions.
Consider how friendships can be made in spheres other than online.
Offer a greater range and balance of ideas and supportive examples.
Common mistakes and guidance
•
•
Focusing only on how the online world is a good or a bad place and not on the wording of the question. Candidates
must use the question to tease out a range of valid, potential arguments that can be explored and evaluated.
Writing in an awkward, informal way which is inappropriate in an academic essay. Expression should be measured,
unambiguous and clear, avoiding colloquialisms, contractions, and slang words.
41
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