River Thomas Coach Hall Honors Adv. Comp. 20 September 2024 The Philosophy of Us The cold stone walls were closing in on Sage as she walked through Blackthorn Academy. She moved through the hallway like a ghost, unnoticed, unseen, invisible. But it’s not like she cared or anything–her whole life she has been practically invisible, how ironic since her fiery red hair stood out to all the passers by. She was quiet, observant, and rarely talked–that’s what kept her in the shadows. Boarding school life was not at all how she imagined, it was supposed to be filled with friends, late-night talks, and sharing secrets. But apparently no. No one wanted to be my friend as usual. She thought. It was a place of comfort and solitude, much better than any home her parents tried providing for her. Sage often spent her time reading philosophy and literature books by the big oak tree, lost in her own thoughts, making up intricate characters and stories in her own head and questioning the overall meaning of life. Everything felt as normal as it could be, for now at least…. When Sage walked in Dr. Elias Hawke’s class that first day, she felt something shift, she paused for a second, taking in her surroundings, the classroom was mundane, with gray cinder block walls, tall windows that let just enough light in to cast shadows in the room and neatly arranged wooden desks. But, she felt a different vibe from this space. Maybe it was the fact that he taught Philosophy and Psychology, two subjects that always fascinated her, or maybe it was Dr. Hawke with his sharp dark edged suit and piercing green eyes. Sage could feel his intense gaze on her as she slides into one of the wooden chairs, she tapped the desk with her fingers, trying to think of anything else, distract herself in any way. But it was hard to ignore the feeling that Dr. Hawke was watching her. She played with the hem of her dark blue uniform sweater, with blackthorn’s logo engraved in the top right corner, and kept pulling her forest green, pleated, plaid skirt down. Why does this skirt have to be so short?? Last compliments of the uniform were white knee high socks with mary janes. She looked like everyone else, well, except for the boys whose uniforms were different, obviously. Sage couldn't comprehended, and why he was still watching her, as if he could sense her isolation and loneliness as soon as she walked into the room. His eyes narrowed slightly, and a small smile formed on his lips. It was a brief moment, but it sent a shiver down her spine. The final bell rang, and he immediately got up to introduce himself, his deep measured voice filling the room. He starts discussing the nuances of human behavior, free will, and the mind’s complexities. It was almost soothing, but Sage felt something twist in her stomach, a combination of nervousness and an inexplicable pull. “Ms. Sterling,” his voice cut through her thoughts like a blade. Her head jerked up, she realized he was addressing her. Her heart started pounding, a rhythmic thump thump that she could hear in her ears. Dr. Hawke’s eyes locked onto hers again, a knowing look in them as if he knew she was daydreaming. “Would you care to share your thoughts on Nietzsche’s concept of eternal recurrence?” Sage’s throat went dry, her mind scrambling for an answer, oh gosh, curse this chronic anxiety that always looms over her. She was trying not to make a fool of herself but that’s exactly what she felt like she was doing. He raised an eyebrow in question, finally after a beat too long, she answered, “It’s the idea that…life repeats, over and over again. Every choice we make, we’re doomed to live out infinitely.” A pause, and then the faintest hint of a smile tugged at his lips again. “Very good.” He moved on to another student, but the interaction stayed with her, something was more to come, this wasn’t the last time Sage would be called on in class. Yep, he could totally see right through her, it’s so obvious considering the subjects he teaches, but that terrified her. No one had ever seen right through her before, the insecurities, the longing to belong, the brilliant and inquisitive mind. And that terrified her, but also fascinated her. The rest of the class passed by in a blur, by the time it was over–Sage felt like she had just waded through a storm–unsteady, unsure of what exactly happened. He made me feel seen for the first time in forever. The familiar sound of the shrill school bell rang once again, and Sage gathered her things. She could feel her hands trembling. Dr. Hawke now sat at his desk, leafing through a book, even though he wasn’t looking directly at her, his attention lingered in the air like a shadow that refused to fade. Sage knew, without a doubt, this would be different from any of the other classes she had taken. And not just the subject matter…. “Sage? A moment?” His voice was velvet smooth, almost too smooth. She paused, oh gosh, her first moment alone with Dr. Hawke, she didn’t know if she did anything wrong. “Yes, Dr. Hawke?” She clutches her books tighter against her chest. “I want to commend you on your insight today. Your understanding of Nietzsche's philosophy…it’s rare to find a student who grasps it so intuitively.” He steps closer–his eyes piercing and dark–holding her gaze. “It’s clear you’ve thought deeply about these concepts” Sage felt a flush rise to her cheeks, no one has ever complimented her intellect like that before, it seemed so genuine. “Thank you, I–I just really like this content, she stammered feeling nervous. “If you’d like, we can consider continuing this conversation outside of class. Discuss other philosophical concepts not covered in the curriculum.” His voice was so warm and inviting…it made her feel seen. Sage nodded, almost automatically, “Yes I’d like that.” “Good, I’ll see you tomorrow then.” Sage walked out of class, her heart racing, and for the first time, she actually felt like she belonged somewhere in this crazy, unreasonable world. The meetings became routine, Sage would come twice a week after the bell rang, sneaking into Dr. Hawke’s office when she thought no one was looking. It was a quiet, intimate space, barely bigger than a closet. Books lined the tall shelves, she was lost for a second, admiring all the knowledge that was just waiting to be discovered. “Sage?” She jumped at the sound of his velvet voice. How long was he standing there? “Oh, s-sorry, just admiring…books” she whispered awkwardly. He smiled like she was the cutest thing he had ever seen. “Let’s begin our discussion shall we?” At first, they discussed philosophy–Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, Camus–ideas she had only skimmed in textbooks that suddenly took on a new depth as he spoke. His voice was warm like honey, and it was intoxicating as she spoke. Sage was totally drawn into him, learning more from Dr. Hawke himself rather than any other textbook. He had a way of making it interesting. Sage felt a swell of pride, no one had ever made her feel like this. He got it–he got her. He made her feel special–needed, she could feel the connection deepening with each word. But then, the conversations began to shift, one night, as rain pattered against the window, Dr. Hawke opened up to her. His hands, usually steady, trembled as he recounted the past of his academic world–how he felt stifled and misunderstood. “I was once like you, I had mentors. People who saw the potential in me, just as I see it in you.” Sage’s heart raced, but this time, it felt different, more intense. “You do?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper. “Of course,” he replied, his eyes locking onto hers with a familiar intensity. “I’ve been teaching a long time, and trust me, your…extraordinary.” She felt a shiver down her spine, the words were intoxicating, wrapping around her like a warm blanket on a cold winter night. The boundaries began to blur. Their meetings turned longer, they spent more time talking about deeper, emotional issues rather than philosophy. Sage should’ve been studying, or hanging out with friends, doing school extracurriculars, but she couldn’t help it. She was entranced by Dr. Hawke, by his ideas, and the way he made her seem like she was the only one who mattered. One evening, he told her about his failed marriage, the loneliness that has consumed him since, his hand brushes hers, just a fleeting touch, but it sent a jolt of electricity through her. “I haven’t told anyone else that,” he said, his voice soft and vulnerable. The conversations were shifting, and deep down, she knew this was wrong, but was too drawn in by him. His gaze lingered just a little too long, this was shifting. Shifting to something dangerous. Yet, Sage couldn’t stop herself from falling deeper into his orbit. The rain was coming down hard, it slammed against the windows, debris was falling and swirling outside. She was in Dr. Hawke’s office again, as per usual. Dr. Hawke stepped out for a moment, saying he had a quick faculty meeting to attend too, “It should take no longer than 15 minutes,” he whispered, his lips brushing against her ear. Sage’s heart fluttered at that. The steady rhythm of the rain matched her frantic heartbeat, the space now felt confining. She shouldn’t be here, not like this. Fifteen minutes passed, then thirty, then forty-five. Something didn’t feel right. Dr. Hawke still wasn’t back yet. What if someone found out? What if this was all a mistake? Her heart was racing. As soon as she was just about to leave, Dr. Hawke stepped in, soaking wet from the rain, his green eyes darker than usual. Her eyes locked onto hers, and she felt the familiar shiver run down her spine. But this time, it was different. “Sage,” he said, his voice strained. “We need to talk.” She swallowed hard, standing up from her seat. “Is something wrong?” He approached her slowly, his gaze never leaving her. “You have such a bright spot in my life… You are unlike any other student I’ve ever had.” He stepped closer. She didn’t know where this was going. “I-I…um,” Sage’s mouth felt dry, words could not form. She didn’t realize how close he was, until she caught a whiff of his breath, warm against her cheek, their lips so close now. The room seemed to shrink, the storm outside mirroring the mess of feelings inside her. “You mean so much to me,” he confessed. “I–I should go,” her mind cleared for a moment, reality came crashing back down, but before she could do anything, he silenced her with his lips, it was obvious how experienced he was. Dr. Hawke deepened it, but she couldn’t go on. But his hands on my waist feel so nice! Sage was so conflicted, she pushed him away, running out as fast as she could. She could still hear Dr. Hawke desperately called after her. She ran back to her dorm, the rain soaking through her clothes. She collapsed on her bed–and realized just how close she had been to getting involved in a twisted fantasy–one that should have never begun.
