Copyright © 2023 by Abbie Halberstadt
M is for Mama
Copyright © 2022 by Abbie Halberstadt.
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The Gentleness Challenge
Abbie Halberstadt
F
our years ago, after I had my eighth baby and was in the
throes of Postpartum Rage (although, I couldn’t have
told you that’s what it was at the time), I was feeling
irritated and “triggered” by even the smallest inconveniences.
One day, after a huge lecture for my kids, I felt the Holy Spirit
tap on my shoulder and quietly tell me that, if I did not repent
of my sin of rage—even if it was seemingly justified by my
wonky hormones—my children would remember my harsh
words more than any kindness I had ever done them. You can
read the whole story in “The Gentleness Challenge” chapter in M Is for Mama, but the long and the short of it was a
crystal-clear conviction that I was being called to stop making
excuses for my frustration and short temper and embark on a
thirty day “only gentle speech” challenge. Since then, almost
fifteen thousand women (and counting) have joined an Instagram account (@thegentlenesschallenge) I created to keep me
accountable and be a source of help to others.
And after leading the challenge three separate times online,
I can honestly say that, despite the fact that I am still capable
of unkind speech, my awareness of this capability and a habit
of taking it quickly to the Lord has stood me in such a good
place through a twin pregnancy and postpartum period that
was far from easy. I no longer feel at the mercy of my irritation
and hot-tempered words, and when I do sin with my speech
or my emotions, I know I can immediately repent and ask for
forgiveness from God and from my family.
Since the first Gentleness Challenge, I’ve received countless DMs and emails begging me to create a resource that made
the challenge easier to go through in a structured way with others, even when I’m not leading it. You asked, and it took me a
while, but I am finally delivering.
Here, you’ll find a 30-day format that converts my Instagram posts into a simple, organized way to focus on various
aspects of keeping our tongues and emotions in check. This
explores what the Bible has to say, and offers encouragement
to stay the course, even when it is (inevitably) very hard.
ACTION STEPS:
Before you start, pray about who the Lord would want
you to do this challenge with. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two
are better than one, because they have a good reward for their
toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him
who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!”
Even if it’s just one other person, the chances of succeeding at
and gleaning rewards from this challenge greatly increase with
accountability and encouragement.
Keep a pen and a pack of 3 by 5 notecards or sticky notes
handy. I’ll be sharing loads of Scripture, and having an easy
way to jot them down and prop them on your kitchen windowsill or stick them on your bathroom mirror is a great way
to hold yourself accountable to what you’ve said you will do.
Write a list of reasons you “can’t” be gentle. This is a list we’ll
return to (and hopefully debunk!) throughout the month as
we work through why the Bible never tells us that we have an
option to be rough or unkind.
3
Let your family know you’re doing this challenge. Even if
you don’t do it together (although, you totally could! Our family did it together the first time I hosted the challenge), just the
knowledge that they’re aware of the goal you’re striving for can
help keep your mind and heart focused on the Lord.
Consider memorizing Ephesians 4 in its entirety. This was
our family’s “theme chapter” for the Gentleness Challenge,
and it has so many good thoughts on anger, gentle speech,
and how we’re supposed to treat others.
Try to prepare the night before and take action on each
daily challenge within the first hour of your day, to set you
off on the right track and keep these ideas fresh in your mind
throughout the day.
Because this is a 30-day challenge, I’ve included an entry
with the same basic “formula” for each day so that you can
engage with the content without having to start from scratch
each time. I pray this resource will be a blessing to you as you
seek to conquer your rage in Christ’s strength and break a cycle
of negative speech so your kids can carry that legacy forward
to future generations.
4
DAY 1
Focus: Speaking Less
E
ver get on a (bad) roll with your words and, at some
point in the middle of a sentence, think, “Dude. Just
STOP TALKING already!”
Yeah. Me too.
Proverbs 10:19 says, “When words are many, transgression
is not lacking.” So true for me! (I’m assuming you too?) Today,
as you begin this challenge, work on taking more deep breaths,
praying more, and speaking fewer words.
When we’re irritable or overstimulated, we can often feel
justified in letting the words “flow,” but if we can give a calm
reply or instruction and then bite our tongues, the thing we
shouldn’t say won’t slip out right behind the calm response.
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God for the ability to recognize a tendency to continue explaining, berating,
or lecturing, and then ask for the strength to physically refrain from saying the next sentence that’s
itching to get free.
• Pray for your accountability partner(s) whenever
they come to mind.
• Eat a snack when you begin to feel jittery or “hangry.”
5
DAY 2
Focus: Recognizing the
Importance of Our Words
W
ords matter.
And although this may feel like an obvious
statement, when we are struggling with kind
speech, it can be so easy to give ourselves a pass because our
families “know what we really mean.”
The truth: Our kids will often take the words we say and
the tone in which we say them at face value without factoring
in our bad night’s sleep, low blood sugar, or wonky hormones.
It is essential to remember that, just like Proverbs 18:21 says,
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who
love it will eat its fruits.”
If we want to eat the fruit of life in our relationships, then
we must plant seeds of life with our words.
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to impress upon you
the weight that your words carry with your family,
and then ask for the strength to choose only words
and tones that convey how much you love them
(even when you’re struggling to feel it.)
• Be quick to acknowledge when irritation creeps into
your tone or your words are harsh and then ask for
forgiveness (from God and your family). The good
news is kids (and the Lord!) are quick to grant pardon when we ask!
• Choose one life-giving thing to say to each member or your family.
• Check in with your accountability partner(s).
6
DAY 3
Focus: Not Making Excuses
J
ames 3:2 says, “We all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man,
able also to bridle his whole body.”
I think it goes without saying that that means there is no
such thing as a perfect man (or woman!). And yet … Shall we
go on sinning so that grace may increase (Romans 6:1)?
BY NO MEANS!
Just because we can’t be perfect in this earthly life doesn’t
mean we throw up our hands and quit asking the Lord to create in us a clean heart. In fact, the awareness that righteous
speech is a struggle for everyone should encourage us to continue fighting the good fight—together—without making
excuses for why we’re justified when we fail.
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to renew your mind
with His truth about the reasons that you struggle
with your tongue, and then ask for strength to overcome those reasons in His strength.
• Identify the top three reasons gentle speech feels
impossible today.
• Text your accountability partner(s) and let them
know that you are determined not to let ________
rule your speech today.
• Ask them to pray for victory over your specific
excuses.
• Check on how you can pray for and support them
as well.
7
DAY 4
Focus: Saying Yes, Even
When It’s Inconvenient
E
ver told your kids no just because it was less work than
saying yes? Or maybe you just thought it was.
Philippians 4:5 exhorts us to, “Let your gentleness
be evident to all. The Lord is near” (niv). Could saying, “Sure,
honey, we can bake some muffins!” be a way to accomplish
this?
Maybe, just maybe, we have trained ourselves to say no so
much in those moments and seasons of survival that we stop
recognizing opportunities for an easy yes. For example, when
an older child asks to sit in the front seat of the van, and all I
have to do is move my purse. When the twins want a tea party
and are willing to make everything for it and clean up after.
When the 4-year-old wants to take a bath with toys that he’s
already gathered in his arms.
Of course, there are plenty of yeses that involve lots of sacrifice on our parts, and sometimes I’m more prone to choose
them because I “have to.” But sometimes, focusing on the
easy yeses that delight my children so much is where it’s at—
like that time when dinner was in the oven, but in the midst
of choruses of, “I’m hungry!” I pulled out the ice cream tub
and sat on the ground for five minutes, surrounded by happy,
spoon-wielding children.
It didn’t ruin their supper, and it did create a joyful memory.
Did I end up with chocolate drips on my jeans? Sure. But
they needed to be washed anyway.
What is one easy yes you can give someone you love today?
I have a feeling we’d better start passing them out while we still
can, before they stop asking us altogether.
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to help you recognize “easy yeses” throughout the day and then give
you the strength to follow through.
• Jot down “easy yes” ideas as they come to you
throughout the day so you can be prepared for
something you can say yes to the next time your
brain is full of bees and the things they’re asking for
really aren’t a bad idea.
• Text your accountability partner(s) and ask for
prayer to be a kind “yes mom” today.
8
DAY 5
Focus: Choosing a Simple
Phrase for Quick Recall
I
’m not really one for mantras. I prefer to let the words
of Scripture do the talking in my brain. But sometimes,
a paraphrase of a scriptural concept is helpful for when
my mind feels too overloaded to remember anything more
complicated.
Ephesians 4:2 says, “Be completely humble and gentle; be
patient, bearing with one another in love” (niv). If that feels
like too many words for your overwhelmed mom brain, I love
the simplicity of the phrase “calm and kind.”
It’s the kind of quick reminder that’s easy to whisper under
your breath throughout the day—when the toddler loses it
after pouring cereal on himself, when a child to whom we
struggle to give grace “pulls a stunt,” when two plus two simply will not equal four.
When we’re “triggered,” simply chanting the words “calm
and kind” can be the sanity-saver that brings us back to centered on God’s Word. “Completely humble” is a very high
bar, my friends. Very high, indeed. Thanks be to God that He
heaps on the grace when we come to Him in repentance.
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to give you a phrase
(or use mine!) that you can repeat when you need a
reminder of the mama you want to be, and then ask
Him to give you the strength to focus on that truth
rather than your frustration.
• Let your accountability partner(s) know what your
phrase is.
• Ask them how you can best pray for them.
9
DAY 6
Focus: Choosing Joy
H
ow often do we act as if our circumstances are
beyond our control?
I don’t mean in a “sovereignty of God” kind of
way. I am under no delusions that I am the author of my own
fate or can even will myself another breath if it weren’t granted
to me by the Lord.
I mean the excuses we make for our bad moods, crummy
attitudes, and strident tones.
If only I weren’t sick, pregnant, postpartum, tired, hangry,
hormonal, PMS-ing, under so much stress … then I could be
nice to people.
Unfortunately, as legitimate as all of those are and as much
as we do experience sweet spots in our lives when being gentle comes more easily, chances are, at least one of the factors I
listed above will be in play at some point nearly every single day.
Which means we have a decision to make: Be a victim to
our circumstances, or choose joy.
Romans 12:12 says: “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer” (niv). Easy? Not at all. But if we’re ever
going to get past the constant cycle of explaining to our kids
that “Mama was not very nice because she …” then we’re going
to have to make a choice to give our circumstances to the Lord
and choose joy regardless.
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to give you His
supernatural eyes to notice moments of joy and to
choose them in His strength, rather than letting
annoyance reign.
• Let your accountability partner(s) know what things
you’re rejoicing in today.
• Ask how you can pray for them.
• At the end of the day, make a list of the ways that
you chose joy. This can serve as a reminder and a pattern for days to come.
10
DAY 7
Focus: Making Wise Decisions
P
roverbs 29:11 says, “Fools give full vent to their rage, but
the wise bring calm in the end” (niv).
If we want to be wise, we can’t just let our emotions
rip every time we feel some kind of way. In fact, every time we
do, the Bible clearly says we are being fools! (Strong language,
but I know I feel always feel foolish once the “emotional high”
of my anger wears off.)
As wise mamas, we know that there is great value in counting to three in our heads before we boil over in response to
a nail-polish-splattered-all-over-the-kitchen-island episode or
(as just happened last week) a moment of, “Hey look, Mama,
my six-year-old brother cut my hair down to the scalp!”
Notice that phrase “in the end.” Just because our initial
response to something frustrating is (understandable) anger
does not mean we have to act sinfully in response to it. In fact,
the Bible tells us, “In your anger do not sin,” (Ephesians 4:26
niv), not “don’t be angry.”
Here’s the thing: It’s okay to feel angry when our kids disobey or do something foolish and or dangerous. It’s not okay
to let that anger fly in the form of abusive language, yelling
(unless the goal is to alert a child to danger), or unkindness.
ACTION STEPS:
• Before you get up this morning, ask God to help
you pause, breathe, and pray when something inevitable irritates you today, and then ask Him for the
wisdom to address the situation calmly, appropriately, and with wisdom.
• Write down three things you can do when you’re
angry instead of yelling at your child.
• Check in with your accountability partner(s) and
let them know your plan for how to be wise in your
anger.
11
DAY 8
Focus: Being
Authentic and Consistent
I
don’t know about you, but I find it easier to be kind to
people when others are watching, and I don’t just mean in
a “so I look good” kind of way (though, there is that). It’s
actually mentally easier. Like I actually don’t get as frustrated.
Why is that? Perhaps because I have a built-in guard in public
that’s so subconscious as to be effortless—almost freeing in its
automatic nature.
Something tells me I’m not the only one who tends to
watch my words more carefully when friends or strangers are
nearby.
What if we trained ourselves to act as if someone whose
good opinion we value is always watching?
Oh. Wait.
That’s exactly what’s happening, right? In Hebrews 13:5 God
says, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (niv).
He’s always by our sides!
It’s a relief to know that the Lord is always near when I crave
protection and comfort. But it should be an equally convicting
realization when I let my tongue run away with me.
Even when I have an audience of One (plus whomever I’m
addressing, of course), my words should be above reproach.
Remind yourself that the Lord is with you always, even
when no one else is around to hear your snippy tone. It’s such
a good way to check our words at the doors of our mouths!
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to help you be a
woman of integrity with your words, even when no
one else is around to hear you but the child with
whom you’re talking.
• Pick a verse from last week’s entries to memorize
with your accountability partner(s) this week.
• Look for one way you can be especially sweet to your
kids today (and then do it!).
12
DAY 9
Focus: Reacting Calmly
in Moments of Stress
Y
ears ago, I heard a pastor say that true patience is treating people with just as much kindness when you’re running late as when you’ve got all the time in the world.
I’ve never forgotten that.
Because the truth is that I stay pretty calm and kind most
times that I don’t feel frazzled and rushed, but the number
one way to frazzle me is for a little boy to declare he can’t find
his other shoe as we’re hustling out the door. It feels personal.
And deeply offensive (at least in that moment; when the stress
wears off, I’m able to see how ridiculous such a reaction is). I
know not everybody reacts the same way, but I’m guessing if
you’re here to work on gentle speech, then one time you struggle to maintain that goal is when your kids are making you late.
After all, Proverbs 15:18 says, “Hot tempers cause arguments, but patience brings peace” (gnt).
To combat defaulting to a “hot temper,” I have been working on two things:
2. Reminding myself during the inevitable times when
something does go pear-shaped that this irritating
moment is but a tiny drop in the ocean of time spent
with my kids, and I am in charge of whether it creates
an equally tiny ripple or a giant, destructive wave.
Because how many times does my overreaction create more
drama than the “crisis” itself?
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to give you the
self-discipline to plan ahead well to avoid temper
triggers, and to help you keep perspective when
things do go wrong.
• Pray for the same self control for your accountability
partner(s), and let them know your two-step plan
for the day.
1. Doing everything in my power to get out the door a
tad early and to check that everything is ready ahead
of time (laying out Sunday clothes the night before,
or asking the girls if they have all their soccer things
ready 15 minutes before we need to leave).
13
DAY 10
Focus: Having an
Eternal Perspective
I
often encounter young mothers whose jaws drop when
they hear I have ten kids, yet my hardest mothering years
were when I “only” had two under two.
Why were those the hardest?
I had no perspective. I had no concrete answers to questions about if they would ever sleep through the night, be
potty-trained, stop sucking their fingers, quit having nightmares, get over these tantrums, and on and on.
It all felt a bit overwhelming, and understandably so. It was
all uncharted territory for me.
As I kept having kids and they got older, achieved more
milestones, and developed good habits, I began to relax a bit
more.
And I became BFFs with perspective. “This too shall pass”
took on so much meaning for me. Not one single stage of
childhood lasts forever, for good or for bad. Which means that
whatever it is your kids are doing that seems to be making it
impossible for you to speak gently will not last forever.
Repeat after me: “This is not that big of a deal, and it will
eventually resolve itself.” It’s kind of life-changing, actually.
Of course, the biggest dose of perspective is this: Christ
Jesus, “who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of
a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in
appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2:6-8 niv).
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to give you the mind
of Christ in dealing with those seemingly endless
stages of frustration, especially with young children.
Ask for the strength and perspective to recognize
these behaviors as fleeting and an opportunity for
growth and maturity.
• Write down two things you can do consistently and
calmly (dance parties, making a smoothie, going for
a walk together) to defuse emotional and frustrating situations today.
• Check in with your accountability partner(s) and let
them know your plan.
• Ask how you can pray for them.
14
DAY 11
Focus: Persevering with Hope
I
find it incredibly comforting that the Lord never gives up
on me—that though I will be working, in some way, on
this whole gentle speech thing until the day I die, He will
never look at me and say, “Well, that’s it. I can’t take it anymore.
I’m cutting her off.” He’s not done with me yet, but the Bible
promises that “He who began a good work in you will bring
it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6).
Yes, gentle speech is our focus for 30 days (and we’re over
one-third of the way there!), but the Lord will keep working
good in our lives until we see Him in glory.
So, if you’ve not been perfect in your speech today or any of
the days of this challenge, join the club! (Oh, wait. You already
did). The amazing news is that we get to repent and try again.
And again. (And again). With the incredible knowledge that,
as we seek to follow Him, the God of the universe is rejoicing
over us with singing (Zephaniah 3:17). Keep on keeping on,
friends. He’s not through with us yet.
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to help you remember that this is a long-haul commitment to gentle
speech and that His patience with us should inspire
our own desire to persevere in patience with our kids.
• Check in with your accountability partner(s).
• Identify two things you have seen improvement in
since starting the Gentleness Challenge and write
them down in a prominent place so that you can be
encouraged to “keep on keeping on.”
15
DAY 12
Focus: Resting in
Christ’s “Enoughness”
A
nybody tired of being told how “amazing,” “capable,”
“boss babe,” and “worthy” you are?
Meeee too!
I mean, it sounds so good until you’re barely hanging onto
the rear bumper of the struggle bus and realize that, if you’re so
great, you should just be able power through this terrible day/
week/month you’re having. Without anybody’s help. Because
you’re too capable to need that.
But the fact of the matter is this: I am not enough, and that
is a very good thing. I was never meant to be.
Jesus Christ’s sacrifice on the cross is the only thing that’s
enough for all of my selfishness, insecurity, and, yes, runaway
tongue. (This goes for my kids too!) Praise God He gives grace
when we need it (always), pricks our consciences with conviction when we fall short (daily), and never ever stops loving us
(incredibly). Embrace your not-enough-ness, friends!
Remember: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power
is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9).
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to give you His
strength—even when you don’t have enough—to
be kind, patient, calm, and gentle today.
• If you’re having a hard day, acknowledge this to your
kids without using it as an excuse, and ask them to
help you and pray for you today.
• Pray for your accountability partner(s), that they
may recognize their own weakness and give it to
the Lord to be replaced by His strength.
16
DAY 13
Focus: Giving Clear
Instructions Gracefully
W
alking the line between gentle speech and getting
your point across is a bit like teetering on a tight
rope sometimes.
Sometimes, when we’re trying to get out of the house on
time, we might feel our “mom voice” coming to the fore. And
I’m here to say that is totally fine. I get questions all the time
from moms who want to know how it’s possible to be gentle
when we need to give very direct instructions—“Don’t touch
that! It’s hot!” “Please come here right now. We need to leave.”
“Close the fridge, please. The sensor is beeping.” It can be very
hard to convey those instructions without sounding like a drill
sergeant.
I would like to point out that there is nothing inherently
ungentle about conveying information clearly. We need to be
careful to not get so worried about hurting feelings that we
abdicate our responsibility as the managers of our household
to get things done.
So, here’s how I think of it: When I have information to
convey, I will do it in the most direct and respectful way possible. I will not belittle, yell, or use sarcasm. However, neither
will I feel obligated to use lots of terms of endearment or speak
so softly that my instructions get lost in the shuffle.
In Scripture, Paul is such a good example of being kind
and gentle but also being very direct. In Colossians 4:6, he says,
“Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with
salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each
person” (nasb).
This is such a great goal for us as moms as well!
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask the Lord for speech seasoned with the salt of clear instructions and grace.
• Write out some phrases you can practice using to
convey directions to your kids, to attempt to create a new default for when you’re tempted to yell
or be sharp.
• Check in with your accountability partner(s) and
encourage them in whatever they are struggling
with today.
17
DAY 14
Focus: Giving Ourselves
Time to Reframe
A
s a fitness instructor, I often coach my class participants on how to breathe to maximize their weightlifting or cardio. As a mama who has birthed ten babies,
I’m pretty darn good at Lamaze breathing. I’ve even used some
of these techniques to help my kids calm down when they’ve
lost their cool. So why do I so often forget to take a moment
to breathe before speaking?
Proverbs 12:18 says, “The words of the reckless pierce
like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (niv).
Thoughtless speech is harmful, so how about we pledge
together to take a deep breath in and out today when we feel
ourselves on the verge of saying something reckless.
Our children’s hearts won’t get pierced, and we will benefit from the God-given gift of extra oxygen for our brains and
extra time to think about what our responses should be.
ACTION STEPS:
• Before you get out of bed in the morning, ask God
to remind you of the gift that oxygen is so that you
can remember to use it to slow down your words
and give yourself time to think.
• Check in with your accountability partner(s) with
a quick text letting them know you’re praying for
them today.
• Try “box breathing” for an extra punch:
1. Release all the air from your lungs.
2. Breath in through your nose as you slowly count
to four in your head.
3. Hold your breath for another count of four.
4. Exhale for another count of four.
5. Hold your breath out for another count of four.
6. Repeat for two or three rounds.
18
DAY 15
Focus: Taking Courage
That Our Efforts Are Worth It
O
ne of my favorite Narnia quotes is when Aslan tells
Lucy, “Courage, dear heart.” What a tender, loving charge. It takes courage to do all our momming,
wife-ing, friending, and working while being kind and gentle
with our speech.
It’s not for the faint of the heart, the lazy, or the halfcommitted.
Which is why I created this resource, so that all the moms
needing help and desiring change could do this together—a
community of women dedicated to using the things we say
and the way we say them to love those closest to us well. Not
perfectly. Just steadfastly.
But if you feel your resolve wavering … if the toddler has
truly unearthed your last raw nerve … if your intentions have
been misunderstood by a hormonal teenager … if your spouse
didn’t notice when you paid that compliment, take heart.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.
Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord
your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9).
The Lord sees our efforts. They don’t return void, even if
only because they are shaping our own hearts and minds to be
more like Him.
Courage, dear hearts. This is a battle worth fighting.
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to show you one
area of improvement that will give you courage to
keep going today.
• Send a text to your accountability partner(s) telling
them something encouraging that you want them
to know today—it could be about their friendship
or their mothering or anything else.
• Say out loud to yourself, “I am capable because God
has made me capable. I have nothing to fear.”
• Choose one verse from last week’s entries to memorize with your accountability partner(s).
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DAY 16
Focus: Paying Attention with
the Goal of Connection
S
ometimes, when my kids ask me a rather obvious question—one to which they should know the answer—
my response, while not inherently mean, can be a bit
impatient. Something like, “If you thought about it, you could
probably figure that out yourself.” It’s something I continually have to work on, but I have some kids who handle it better than others. For one kid who struggles with a response like
this, I have to ask him, “Was I too harsh?” And sometimes,
he’ll tell me yes. Which means I need to apologize, change my
tone, and try again.
But here’s the thing: We may never notice when our
not-exactly-ungentle-but-not-exactly-gentle turns of phrase
negatively affect our children if we’re not truly paying attention to them—their personalities, facial expressions, and reactions. In the case of this child, if I hadn’t really been looking at
him, I wouldn’t have noticed his reaction, and I would have
missed an opportunity to connect with my child’s heart.
Hebrews 2:1 is speaking of the Gospel when it says this, but
I still find it interesting how true it is of relationships as well:
“Therefore, we must pay much closer attention to what we have
heard, lest we drift away from it.”
No matter how many kids we have, it’s easy to get distracted by life—chores, social media, the constant to-do list in
our heads. It’s easy to “drift away” and fail to really look them
in the eyes when we speak to them or they speak to us.
I know that one of my love languages is eye contact when
speaking, so my goal has become to take the time to stop and
look at my children or husband or whoever is speaking to me
fully in the face so that I can respond appropriately and kindly.
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to give you a focused
mind that listens well and gives proper attention
where it’s due.
• Check in with your accountability partner(s) and
ask how you can be praying for them.
• Practice physically putting your phone down or stopping what you’re doing (at least briefly) to give your
family your full attention when they speak to you.
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DAY 17
Focus: Choosing Our Identity in
Christ Instead of Our Personality
Y
ou do you.” That is a phrase that really rankles me. I
get the “be unique” or “don’t follow the crowd” connotation. But too often, it’s used as a carte blanche for
refusing to grow as humans. As Christians.
I don’t ultimately want to “do” me. I want to “be” Christlike, however that looks like within my unique personality,
strengths, and weaknesses.
It’s time to stop telling ourselves that “this is just who I am.”
I’m a:
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to work His will in
you regardless of your mood, your personality, or
how much sleep you (didn’t) get last night.
• Write down a description of your personality and
then two ways you have seen the Lord both use your
natural bents and grow you in them.
• Send an encouraging text to your accountability
partner(s) letting them know what you appreciate about how God has uniquely made them, and
exhorting them to keep doing His will.
• yeller
• short fuse
• redhead
• carbon copy of my mom
• straight shooter
• deep feeler
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free” (Galatians 5:1 niv), not for trite slogans about individuality and
self-empowerment.
What if we had way less of “you do you” (which has disturbing echoes of the Old Testament refrain of everyone doing
what was right in his own eyes) and a whole heaping lot more
of “He must increase, but I must decrease?” (John 3:30).
I just know it would transform the way we think, act, and,
yes, speak.
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DAY 18
Focus: Tailoring Our
Speech to Our Kids’ Needs
D
oes your gentle speech look different, depending on
which kid you’re addressing? I find that I sometimes
need to express myself differently with my boys than
my girls, with my older versus my younger kids, and even
within different personality ranges.
It can be tricky to use a gentle tone that doesn’t sound
patronizing or too coddling. But I’ve found that if I’m calm
and direct with a side of playful and affectionate (especially
with my older kids), I usually come out all right.
James 4:17 says, “Whoever knows the right thing to do
and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” Which means we have the
opportunity to flee from sin just by doing the right thing of
refusing to check out.
If this makes you feel nervous or overwhelmed, I want to
encourage you that today is really just about intentionality.
Rather than wondering whether you nailed it with each individual child, ask yourself, “Did I pay attention today instead
of zoning out? Did I make a concerted effort as unto the Lord
to meet my child right where he or she needed me to?”
If the answer is yes, you did it!
You understood (and completed) the assignment. Way to
go, sis!
ACTION STEPS:
• Before you wake up, ask God to show you the next
right thing to do in relation to loving your kids well,
and then ask for the strength to follow through and
do it.
• Write down two “next right things” that you’ve felt
the Holy Spirit nudging you to do that would take
your relationship with your kids during this challenge to the next level.
• Ask your accountability partner(s) how you can pray
for and practically help them today.
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DAY 19
Focus: Practicing the Right Things
I
once had an instructor during a fitness certification tell us
that “practice makes consistent.”
Maybe you’re like me, and your first reaction was that
he had misquoted a common phrase, but he explained it like
this: Practice won’t make you perfect. It won’t even make you
do it correctly. All it will do is make sure the things you’re practicing become more second nature, and become ingrained in
your daily habits.
If we practice the wrong things, then we’re sure to consistently do wrong things (like yelling or cutting speech). But! If
we practice the right things, then we will consistently repeat
those actions instead. This makes so much sense to me and is
honestly way more motivating than practicing to be “perfect”
(which is a goal we won’t reach until glory).
And I have found it to be true of gentle speech. As I have
practiced keeping my tone level, choosing kind words, and
keeping exasperation off my face, I have more consistently
been able, with the Holy Spirit’s help, to choose what I have
practiced.
So, be encouraged that, even if you feel like you’re just
“going through the motions,” as long as the motions are righteous ones, they are having an effect.
Philippians 3:12 puts it like this: “Not that I have already
obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it
my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.”
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to give you the perseverance to practice the most important things.
• Make a list of the top three things you need to practice every day.
• Share your list with your accountability partner(s),
and ask for their list in return. Be in prayer for them
as they practice the needful things.
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DAY 20
Focus: Flipping the Narrative
H
ave you ever noticed how much easier it is to do
something when we feel confident about the outcome and when our attitude is one of hope rather
than despair?
Just a little encouragement that, if the task of speaking only
gentle words seems insurmountable, Romans 8:37 tells us that
“in all these things we are more than conquerors through him
who loved us” (that’s Jesus!).
Each morning, let’s wake up and flip the narrative from,
“This is too hard, and I can’t do it” to “What then shall we
say … If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31).
When we remind ourselves that we are fighting the good
fight with the full support of our heavenly Father, we remember that, not only can we be victorious, but we already are
because of the cross!
We are more than conquerors! Let’s talk like it!
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to make you a conqueror, not a victim of your circumstances.
• Write scriptural affirmations (you can choose your
own or use verses that we’ve already read in this challenge) on sticky notes and put them in prominent
places around your house to remind you who is
fighting this gentle-speech battle for and with you.
• Text a note of encouragement to remind your
accountability partner(s) of this very thing!
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DAY 21
Focus: Setting the
Tone for Our Homes
C
an you imagine going to a board meeting and starting
the proceedings off with a helping of: “You guys never
do what I ask. I can’t believe you! What is wrong with
you??” Or how about addressing your MOPS table with: “You
guys! We are starting so late, and it’s your fault. I just can’t handle it anymore! Y’all need to get your act together!”
We would be horrified to use such abusive and frazzled
tones with other adults whose respect we crave, right? And we
would never tolerate it if someone else did the same to us.
So, why do we let loose with those nearest and dearest to
us? And why, further, are we upset (or surprised) when they act
equally snappish? We have the ability to set the tone for everyone else in our homes.
If we want to hear tones of respect and gentleness, we have
to model them.
Yes, it’s hard when we’ve gotten too little sleep, are battling
raging hormones, or simply feel pulled in too many directions
at once.
Still. We have a choice. Let’s set the tone we want to hear in
our homes. It’ll benefit everyone we come into contact with!
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who
love it will eat its fruits” (Proverbs 18:21).
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to give you a steadfast commitment to modeling kind, respectful
speech for you family.
• Instead of staying up an extra 45 minutes to scroll
your phone, knowing you’ll be tired and cranky in
the morning, set an alarm to remind yourself of
when you said you’d go to bed … and stick to it!
• Hold your accountability partner(s) to their declared
bedtimes as well. Rested mamas are nicer mamas!
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DAY 22
Focus: Following God,
Not Our Hearts
I
f you feel like you’re trudging along in your quest for gentle speech, I have news for you: That is okay!
There is so much merit in doing the right thing
whether our emotions align with it or not. Our culture bombards us with the message of following our hearts—a scary
concept if we take even two seconds to examine what is hidden there.
But when we make a conscious choice for gentle speech,
with the guiding of the Holy Spirit, our hearts are trained to
love it. Each time we choose to shut our mouths against sharp,
sarcastic, angry words, our heart’s capacity for kindness grows.
We may not be sprinting toward the goal, but we keep running just the same.
Luke 6:45 (bsb) says: “The good man brings good things
out of the good treasure of his heart, and the evil man brings
evil things out of the evil treasure of his heart. For out of the
overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.” Let’s train our hearts
to love gentle speech so that it flows naturally. And if you’re
not there yet, don’t worry. Even the gritted-teeth smiles count.
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to renew your heart
and give you a commitment to fight your natural
desires for ease, comfort, and self-gratification.
• Choose a verse from last week’s entries to memorize
with your accountability partner(s).
• Choose one fun thing to do with your kids that will
boost your mood and theirs.
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DAY 23
Focus: Recognizing Our Calling
H
ey, you. Yes, YOU. Did you know that the Lord
chose you (and no one else) to be your children’s
mama, your husband’s wife, your mama’s daughter?
And He doesn’t make mistakes.
What’s more, God’s “divine power has given us everything
we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who
called us by his own glory and goodness” (2 Peter 1:3 niv).
Everything we need.
In other words, if we are a new creation in Christ, we
already have the tools for gentle speech, starting with a direct
line of communication to God the Father, Son, and Holy
Spirit. Let’s live like it! We are not slaves to sarcasm, explosive
bouts of anger, or passive-aggressive brooding.
Not only that, but God has uniquely gifted us to be the best
mamas possible to our babies because He chose us (and no one
else) to entrust them to.
This is no mere pep talk. This. Is. Fact.
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to give you a heart
of thankfulness for the unique children that He has
seen fit to give you, and to keep your focus on the
incredible calling it is to raise them up in truth and
kindness.
• Remind your accountability partner(s) of the
incredible privilege it is to be a mama and of the
fact that we have tools to help us be successful in
Christ’s strength.
• Write down two ways the Bible has equipped you
with “everything you need for a godly life.”
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DAY 24
Focus: Breaking Down the
Gentleness Challenge into Boot Camps
I
detail in a whole chapter of M Is for Mama the concept of
viewing parenting challenges with a boot camp mentality.
Potty-training boot camp. Tantrum boot camp. Thankfulness boot camp. And so on. The goal is to focus on a particular behavioral issue for a short period of time with great
intention.
I discuss it in a parenting context, but what if we applied
the same concept of breaking down intimidating challenges
into short, intensive, focused training goals for ourselves?
Whatever He reveals as you keep your eyes on Him, do that.
And when you’re done with that, pick another boot camp challenge, and do that next.
Add them all up, and I guarantee you will have progress.
Not perfection, but certainly progress.
And that is a beautiful thing.
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to reveal two areas
of specific growth for which you can identify specific boot camp challenges to focus on.
I will not raise my voice for one day.
I will not let my exasperation at math show for one hour.
I will not use harsh tones for 48 hours.
• Write down the topics the Lord brings to mind, and
develop a plan of action—with your husband, perhaps?—to tackle them with intention.
I can only imagine that if “boot camp parenting” can be
a useful tool for helping our children develop better habits, a Gentleness Bootcamp—complete with clearly defined
goals and tasks—would do wonders for our own speech and
attitudes.
If, on day 24, it feels like you might not finish strong, I
encourage you to ask God what specific “boot camp” challenges might help get you to the finish line with perseverance.
(Not that we really are ever “finished” with this challenge while
we draw breath.) It might take saying, just like the Israelites did
in 2 Chronicles 20:12, “We do not know what to do, but our
eyes are on you.”
• Text your goals to your accountability partner(s),
and be sure to pray for theirs as well.
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DAY 25
Focus: Recognizing
God’s Love for Us
S
ometimes it’s easy to filter our view of our heavenly
Father through our own wrong reactions to our children. (Or maybe, our own parents’ wrong reactions to
us.) We begin to view Him as perpetually disgruntled with us
when that has been our past experience or how we currently
feel about our own kids.
But that’s not what the Bible tells us.
In fact, Psalm 147:11 says, “The Lord takes pleasure in
those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love.”
Do you fear (love, respect, and hold in awe) and hope in the
Lord? Then He takes pleasure in you. Zephaniah 3:17 says He
delights over us with singing!
God’s not mad at us or frowning down at our efforts to
form better, godlier habits in His strength. And maybe that
realization is the key to unlocking the ability to extend the
same grace, pleasure, and delight to our own children.
How will realizing that the God of the universe delights in
you change how you speak to others today?
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to reveal His love
and delight for you in some specific way today.
Keep your eyes open for evidence of it in the smallest moments.
• Tell each of your children one thing that you find
delightful about them.
• Text your accountability partner(s) something that
you appreciate about them as well. Everybody loves
an “atta girl” every now and then.
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DAY 26
Focus: Accepting Forgiveness
for Our Shortcomings
M
aybe you lost your temper today. Maybe you
retorted sarcastically to your husband. Maybe
you snapped at your toddler. Maybe you feel like
there’s no hope of ever achieving gentle speech for longer than
two seconds put together, even after 25 whole days of trying.
But I have good news! You get to start over infinity times,
and you don’t have to wait an hour to try again.
After all, “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he
removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:12 niv).
If this week has been hard for you in the gentle speech
department, you’re not alone. Even if it feels like you’ve
regressed after making progress, you’re not a failure! Each time
we mess up, the Lord is ready and willing to forgive us when
we confess and repent.
How do I know? Because I have literally spoken too harshly
in one sentence, asked for forgiveness in the next, and then
immediately made a joke that made my child laugh. Boom.
That simple. Back on track.
Satan would love for us to wallow and experience defeat.
But that’s not what we’re called to.
Not that it’s easy. It’s not. But let’s not make it more complicated than it has to be by assuming that if we’ve launched on a
tirade, we’re committed to it for the rest of the day.
There is no such thing as too far gone.
Get back up, and run at it again with the power of the Holy
Spirit at work within you!
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to forgive you for
any unconfessed lapses in gentle speech and then to
remind you that you are forgiven and can walk forward in the freedom of His new mercies today.
• Confess and ask forgiveness for any unrepented
recent unkindness to your kids.
• Send a text to your accountability partner(s) encouraging them to rest in God’s forgiveness today.
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DAY 27
Focus: Taking Responsibility
for Our Choices
I
f you’ve ever seen the movie The Emperor’s New Groove,
then you know that Kronk has some pretty epic battles
between his “shoulder angel” and his “shoulder devil.” It’s
hilarious, if silly. But while shoulder spirits aren’t real, the battle between the flesh and the spirit is. We have an opportunity
every single day to “choose for yourselves this day whom you
will serve” (Joshua 24:15 niv).
Will we serve the god of self who assures us that we have
a right to be snippy or frustrated, and that everybody would
understand if they only knew the kind of pressure we are
under? Or will we serve the God of love, power, and a sound
mind (2 Timothy 1:7)? That God daily enables each of us to do
things by His spirit that we’re completely incapable of doing
on our own.
It’s a choice, and one that we must remake each day. Just
an encouragement, friends: You are not a slave to your emotions, or your hormones, or your circumstances. The Lord is
bigger than all of them.
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to fill your mind
with love, power, and soundness, not doubts and
fleshly concerns.
• Choose one genuine compliment you can give each
family member today.
• Text a genuine compliment to your accountability
partner(s), letting them know how much you appreciate them.
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DAY 28
Focus: Choosing an
Eternal Perspective
T
he number one question I asked myself when I was
in the throes of hormonal irritation and funky emotional equilibrium was, “How do I want my children
to remember me?” And I knew the answer. I wanted them to
remember me (truthfully) as kind and loving and patient and
gentle and fun. Not as short-tempered or disappointed or tired
all the time.
Because the thing is, friends, we have the opportunity to
rewrite the narrative we experienced ourselves or the one we
might be constantly telling ourselves is our destiny. Or rather,
God can rewrite those things in us because His mercies really
are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23).
Let’s ask Him for the strength, one day at a time, to create memories of life-giving words for our children. That is a
request He will honor.
Start tonight or first thing in the morning. Ask Him to give
you an eternal perspective that looks past the current hard circumstances that make it so daunting to speak kindly. Ask Him
to instead speak to you words of life you can speak into your
children regardless of your energy levels or your mood.
And then be faithful to obey and speak them when He
gives them to you. Preaching to myself as well (as always).
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask the Lord to give you an
eternal perspective on the legacy of kind and gentle
speech you’d like to leave in your wake.
• Ask for prayer from your accountability partner(s)
for steadfastness and a far-reaching mindset, rather
than a worldly focus on the immediacy of the hard
we’re enduring.
• Write out a list of the ways you want your kids to
remember you.
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DAY 29
Focus: Keeping On Swimming
N
ot only that, but we also rejoice in our sufferings,
because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out
His love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, whom He has
given us” (Romans 5:3-5 bsb).
Learning gentle speech isn’t suffering, but learning to die
to ourselves and our knee-jerk reactions and our wrong emotions may sometimes feel like it.
Suffering through those little deaths each day produces perseverance. Over time, perseverance produces character, which
produces hope, which never disappoints.
If it feels hopeless to try to change your bad habits or the
unhealthy patterns that seem to hold you hostage, don’t give
up. Just keep swimming. Keep persevering with God’s help. It
is building character in you, making you more Christlike. And
Christ is the ultimate hope—not perfection, or the appearance
of control, or well-behaved children, or well-behaved mamas.
As you wrap up this challenge tomorrow, know that I am
proud of the hard work you have done to develop better habits and priorities. Know that your family is benefitting from
your tenacity!
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, ask God to help you stay
afloat through these last two days of the challenge,
trusting that He who began a good work in you will
carry it out to completion.
• Plan an in-person get-together with your accountability partner(s) to celebrate your completion of
the Gentleness Challenge.
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DAY 30
Focus: Staying in
Our God-Given Lane
H
ere’s the thing: It shouldn’t matter to anyone else
how I or “she” completes this challenge—whether
anyone else has a good or a bad day. Yes, it helps us
feel less alone or more encouraged to see others’ progress (or
lack thereof). This is true of so many more things than the
Gentleness Challenge.
But ultimately, we won’t be held responsible for our neighbor’s (sister’s, BFF’s) track record, but will—each one of us—
have to “give account” before God for every careless word we
speak (Matthew 12:36).
I don’t say this to freak you out (although I just freaked
myself out a bit). I want this to be an uplifting space. But a
quick read of James 3 is enough to sober anybody up about
how serious the Bible is about our speech.
And so, if you feel intimidated by someone else’s seeming
to do better than you are, don’t. Her story isn’t yours. Likewise,
if you’re feeling pretty good because you’re not struggling in an
area like a friend is, don’t. Her story isn’t yours either.
The good news? The story God is writing uniquely for
you—in part through your participation in this challenge—is
a beautiful one, even on the days when it feels far from it.
It is a story of redemption and transformation. You can do
this. Each of our stories is one of ultimate victory, not because
of anything we do or don’t do, but because of Christ in us.
ACTION STEPS:
• As you begin your day, praise God for the
heart-changing work His Holy Spirit has done in
your life in the last 30 days!
• Get together with your accountability partner(s) to
rejoice and encourage each other in the Lord for
having completed this challenge!
Wow, friends! We did it! What an accomplishment in Christ’s
strength to have made it through all 30 days of the Gentleness
Challenge. I pray that you will be richly blessed by your experiences and lessons learned over the past month. The goal, as
I have emphasized so many times, is not perfection but progress. And I’m guessing, if you made it this far, you’ve seen a fair
bit of that. Praise the Lord! Keep up the good work and never
forget that this Christian life is a marathon, never a sprint. We
are capable of being kind because Christ has made us capable.
Hallelujah, what a Savior!
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