A Quick Guide to
Figuring Out
What Boundaries
You Need to Set
Sharon Martin, LCSW
BetterBoundariesWorkbook.com
You know you need boundaries,
but you don’t know exactly
what kind to set.
Boundaries are essential in all of our relationships. But, as we all
know, they can be tough to set for several reasons. Often, we don’t
know what kind of boundaries we need. This is especially true if you
grew up in a family that lacked boundaries. In which case, you may
not think it’s okay to have your own opinions or to say no, and you
may not think you have the right to ask for respect or time alone,
for example. And you may accept poor treatment from others
because you don’t know how to ask for what you need or want.
BetterBoundariesWorkbook.com | ©2020 Sharon Martin, LCSW
WHAT ARE
BOUNDARIES?
Let’s begin with a quick overview of boundaries.
Boundaries protect you from being mistreated. They tell others how
you want to be treated (what’s okay and what’s not okay).
Boundaries also create a healthy separation (physical and emotional)
between you and others. Boundaries allow you to have your own
personal space and privacy, your own feelings, thoughts, needs, and
ideas. They allow you to be yourself rather than an extension of
someone else or who someone else wants you to be.
BetterBoundariesWorkbook.com | ©2020 Sharon Martin, LCSW
BOUNDARIES ARE A
REFLECTION OF YOUR
RIGHTS
If you grew up in a family where you weren’t respected and empowered,
you may not realize that you have personal rights. You may routinely put
others first at your own expense, stay quiet rather than ask for what you
need or want, minimize your feelings, and betray your values without
realizing that you are just as important as everyone else.
Personal rights include:
I have the right to be treated with respect and kindness.
I have the right to say no.
I have the right to change my mind.
I have the right to be safe.
I have the right to my own thoughts, feelings, values, and beliefs.
I have the right to rest.
I have the right to privacy.
I have the right to happiness/pleasure.
You can find more examples HERE.
Understanding your personal rights is essential to setting boundaries. If you
don’t think you have the right to respect or independence, you’re not going
to ask for them in your relationships.
BetterBoundariesWorkbook.com| ©2020 Sharon Martin, LCSW
6 TYPES OF
BOUNDARIES
One way to figure out what boundaries you need is by thinking about different
types of boundaries.
1) Physical Boundaries protect your space and body, your right to not be
touched, to have privacy, and to meet your physical needs such as resting or
eating.
Examples: “Please don’t borrow my clothes without asking.’
An acquaintance approaches you with arms outstretched intending to hug you.
Extend your hand and warmly say, “I’m not much of a hugger. I prefer a
handshake.”
“Junior is allergic to milk. I’ve packed some safe snacks for him to eat while he’s
at your house. Please be sure he doesn’t eat anything else.”
2) Emotional Boundaries protect your right to have your own feelings, not
have your feelings criticized/invalidated, and not have to take care of other
people's feelings.
Examples: “I feel hurt and embarrassed when you yell at me in front of Melanie
and Juan. If you have an issue with my work, please talk to me about it in
private.”
“It’s too painful; I’d rather not talk about it.”
“Mom, please don’t complain about Dad to me. It makes me uncomfortable.”
“It’s not okay to take your anger out on me.”
BetterBoundariesWorkbook.com| ©2020 Sharon Martin, LCSW
3) Financial and Material Boundaries protect your financial resources and
possessions, your right to spend your money as you choose, to not give,
spend, loan money/possessions if you don't want to, and your right to be
paid by an employer as agreed.
Example: “I’m sorry but I can’t lend you the money for your car repair.”
4) Sexual Boundaries protect your right to consent, to ask for what you like
sexually, and to honesty about your partner’s sexual history.
Example: “That doesn’t feel good. I’d like you to do ________ instead.”
5) Time Boundaries protect how you spend your time. They protect you
from committing to things you don't want to do, having people waste your
time, and being overworked.
Examples: “I reserve my evenings for family time. I’ll respond to all work
emails first thing in the morning.”
“Thanks for thinking of me. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to attend Jack’s
birthday party.”
“Dad, I don’t have time to take you shopping this week. I’ll place an order for
you with the grocery delivery service. Do you want it delivered on Monday or
Tuesday?”
BetterBoundariesWorkbook.com| ©2020 Sharon Martin, LCSW
6) Intellectual and Spiritual Boundaries protect your right to have your
ideas/thoughts/beliefs respected, to practice your spiritual beliefs, and to
pursue learning opportunities and career growth.
Examples: “I know we have different political views. Let’s set our differences
aside and enjoy the evening.”
“We’ll have to agree to disagree about this.”
“I’m going to take a moment and say a silent prayer before we eat.”
Also, remember that not all boundaries are set verbally. Depending on the
situation, you may set boundaries by distancing yourself from someone
(emotionally or physically), ending a conversation, or leaving an unsafe
situation.
BetterBoundariesWorkbook.com| ©2020 Sharon Martin, LCSW
USE YOUR FEELINGS TO
GUIDE YOU TO BETTER
BOUNDARIES
How do you feel when your boundaries are violated?
Anger, hurt, resentment, fear, and discomfort are
common emotional responses to boundary violations.
Feelings are like signposts. If we pay attention to
them, they will tell us what we need. So, we can work
backward when we feel angry, hurt, resentful, or afraid
and ask ourselves if a boundary violation may have led
to these feelings.
Here’s an example: I’m sitting in my office and I feel
annoyed. What just happened? My coworker just
barged in without knocking. She violated my right to
privacy. What boundaries do I need? I need to ask her
to knock before opening my door.
As in this example, you’ll have the most success when
you notice your feelings right away. The more time
that has elapsed between the boundary violation and
noticing your feelings, the harder it becomes to
connect the two.
There are, of course, many possible reasons for our
feelings, and boundary violations are not always what’s
behind them. But even if you discover that your
feelings aren’t pointing you toward a boundary issue, I
think you’ll find it helpful to pay more attention to
your feelings and be aware of what they are telling
you. And if you’re not used to noticing and naming
your feelings, try using the list at the end of this guide.
BetterBoundariesWorkbook.com | ©2020 Sharon Martin, LCSW
YOUR BOUNDARIES
ARE UNIQUE
Some needs (such as food, clothing, and shelter) are universal to all
humans. But even still, we differ in how much food we need and at
what intervals.
Other needs have even more variation from one person to the next.
And since we have different needs, we require different boundaries.
For example, I may need more privacy than you do. You may not be
bothered by colleagues entering your office without knocking and as
such, you don’t need a boundary around knocking on your closed
office door.
It’s also quite likely that you need different boundaries with different
people in your life. Boundaries may be a non-issue in some of your
relationships. When we are respected and our needs are met,
boundaries largely go unspoken; there’s no need to explain your
expectations or ask to be treated differently when you’re already being
treated in a way that feels good.
BetterBoundariesWorkbook.com | ©2020 Sharon Martin, LCSW
Other people in your life may be chronic boundary violators. You have
to set boundaries constantly with them because they don’t treat you
in a way that feels good. So, you may find it helpful to make lists of
boundaries that you need with specific people. For example, Yvonne
feels uncomfortable and unsafe around Joe’s sexualized touch,
innuendo, and physical proximity so she made the following
boundaries: I won’t be alone with Joe when he’s drinking. I will not sit
next to him on the couch. If he makes sexualized comments, I will ask
him to stop and if he doesn’t, I will get up and leave.
The boundaries you need to set are unique to you. So, unfortunately,
it’s not like ordering off a menu. You will need to identify your specific
boundaries, practice asserting yourself, and continuously refine and
update your boundaries as your needs and relationships change. I
hope this article has given you a place to start and some guidance on
how to figure out what unique boundaries you need to set.
BetterBoundariesWorkbook.com | ©2020 Sharon Martin, LCSW
Notes and Takeaways
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Feeling Words
Adapted from: https://www.centervention.com/list-of-emotions-135-words-that-express-feelings/
Anger
Contempt, disgust, revulsion
Envy, jealousy
Exasperation, frustration
Aggravation, agitation, annoyance, grouchiness, grumpiness, irritation
Anger, bitterness, dislike, ferocity, fury, hate, hostility, loathing, outrage, rage,
resentment, scorn, spite, vengefulness, wrath
Fear
Alarm, fear, fright, horror, hysteria, mortification, panic, shock, terror
Anxiety, apprehension, distress, dread, nervousness, tenseness, uneasiness, worry
Joy
Amusement, bliss, cheerfulness, delight, ecstasy, elation, enjoyment, euphoria,
gaiety, gladness, glee, happiness, joy, jubilation
Contentment, pleasure, satisfaction
Eagerness, hope, optimism
Pride, triumph
Relief
Enthusiasm, excitement, exhilaration, thrill, zeal, zest
Love
Adoration, affection, attraction, caring, compassion, fondness, liking, love,
sentimentality, tenderness
Arousal, desire, infatuation, longing, lust, passion
Sadness
Disappointment, dismay, displeasure
Alienation, defeat, dejection, embarrassment, homesickness, humiliation,
insecurity, isolation, insult, loneliness, neglect, rejection
Depression, despair, gloom, glumness, grief, hopelessness, melancholy, misery,
sadness, sorrow, unhappiness, upset
Guilt, regret, remorse, shame
Agony, anguish, hurt, suffering
Pity, sympathy
Surprise
Amazement, astonishment, surprise
BetterBoundariesWorkbook.com | ©2020 Sharon Martin, LCSW
LEARN MORE
ABOUT SETTING
BETTER BOUNDARIES
Sharon Martin, LCSW
Hi, I'm Sharon Martin, an experienced
psychotherapist, mental health writer,
and relationship expert in San Jose, CA.
I believe boundaries are an essential
component of self-care and I'm
passionate about spreading the word
that boundaries aren't selfish and
there's no need to feel guilty about
taking care of yourself! My goal is to
support individuals in overcoming
codependency, perfectionism, and selfcriticism so they can embrace their
authentic selves and build happy,
healthy relationships.
Are you ready to learn more?
I’m excited to announce my new book: The
Better Boundaries Workbook. I know
from personal and professional experience
that healthy boundaries can transform your
life. If you struggle to stand up for yourself,
ask for what you need, or feel guilty or
afraid when you do, learning to set better
boundaries can increase your self-esteem
and confidence, and help you create
respectful, satisfying relationships. Of
course, this doesn’t happen all at once. As
you know, setting boundaries is tough.
However, I’m confident that with the
concepts in The Better Boundaries
Workbook and committed practice, you
can learn to set effective boundaries.
Available from Amazon and all major
book retailers.