DEAR MAN DBT Skill: An Assertiveness
Strategy
Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, stay Mindful, Appear
Confident, Negotiate.
When Is a Good Time to Use DEAR MAN?


You want someone to do/not do something, and you’re struggling to
assert yourself
You’re too passive or aggressive, unsure how to ask, not pushing hard
enough
Describe:
Stick to the facts! Do not include your interpretation of events.
Example: “You said you would take the trash out today, and I just noticed it’s still full.”
NOT: “If you actually loved me, you’d take out the trash.”
Express:
State how the situation makes you feel. Use “I” statements.
Example: “I feel disappointed and irritated that you haven’t done it yet, because it stinks and I want it out of here.”
NOT: “You’re a slob for not taking it out!”
Assert
Say, as directly and in as much detail as possible, exactly what you want.
Example: “Please take the trash out now.”
NOT: “Please take out the trash when you can get around to it.”
(This isn’t direct or specific enough. They may not “get around to it” for
hours, days, or weeks.)
Reinforce
Say what the other person will get out of doing what you want them to do: a good
reason.
Example: “I’ll stop asking you about it when you do it, then we’ll both get some peace and quiet.”
NOT: “You need to do this for me because I said so.”
Stay Mindful
If the other person tries to change the subject or argue, don’t take the bait! Stay
focused on your goal.
Example:” I know there are things you’re frustrated with me about. We can talk about them later tonight. Right
now, I just want you to take out the trash.”
NOT: “Whatever… I know you want me to do dishes, but the trash stinks and the dishes don’t.”
(This is likely to derail the conversation into an argument, and your point may
get lost.)
Appear Confident
Even if you don’t feel confident in what you’re saying, fake it ‘till you make it.
Example: Making eye contact, standing up tall, speaking audibly and clearly.
NOT: Looking down, slumping, mumbling. This will make the person think they can ignore what you want
because you’ll give up easily.
Negotiate
Be reasonable and willing to compromise - as long as you still feel good about the
compromise.
Example: “I know you’re in the middle of something right now. Please take out the trash as soon as you finish up.”
NOT: “Okay, fine, I’ll just do it myself.”
(This response doesn’t get you what you want and may lead to resentment later.)