Managing Yourself
How
to
Succeed
When
You’re
Not
the
Boss’s
Favorite
by Dina Denham Smith
March 07, 2024
Tjitske van Leeuwen Photography/Getty Images
Summary. Staying positive and motivated is tough when your boss has a clear
favorite. When you feel like you’re not favored, you may hesitate to proactively
communicate with your boss, worrying that you might be a bother and worsen your
relationship or that your attempts... more
Favoritism is a widespread and often unspoken reality in the
workplace, stealthily diminishing job satisfaction and team
morale. The problem is bigger than you may think.
One study showed that 56% of managers had a favorite in mind
for a promotion before the formal review process began. At the
end of the process, the pre-selected favorite received the
promotion a stunning 96% of the time. Eighty-four percent of
managers also conceded that favoritism plays a significant role in
determining who gets promoted. The shift to hybrid and remote
work has amplified the problem by intensifying issues
of proximity bias.
Favoritism often goes unaddressed despite potential legal
ramifications and damaging effects on job satisfaction,
motivation, team morale, and performance. Often subtle and
subjective, favoritism can be hard to pinpoint and quantify.
Preferential treatment can also be so ingrained in the
organizational culture that it’s the norm, and if exhibited by top
company leaders, the issue slips further under the rug. Moreover,
fear of negative ramifications often deters employees from raising
concerns.
These factors can leave you feeling alone and unsure of what to do
when your boss plays favorites. Here’s how to navigate this
complex and challenging environment and improve your
prospects.
Manage your emotions.
Feeling passed over for desirable assignments, recognition, or
promotions can understandably trigger feelings of unfairness,
insecurity, and resentment. While these feelings are natural,
getting distracted by them may hold you back.
Between our inherent negativity bias and common thinking
errors, it’s easy to feel like the situation is worse than it is; for
instance, magnifying one negative comment from your manager
while filtering out all their positive remarks. When we
feel threatened or stressed, we’re more likely to fall into these
mind traps, which can create a debilitating negative spiral and
lead to self-defeating behaviors, like shutting down or reacting
poorly to your boss. For your mental well-being, performance,
and relationship, it’s essential to loosen that emotional grip.
Identify your feelings and accept them as valid to reduce their
potency. Also, consider the possibility that you don’t have all the
information, and look for counterexamples or instances where
your boss has treated you especially well.
Finally, try not to take the situation personally. While it’s no
excuse, favoritism often has more to do with your boss
maximizing their self-interests, being more comfortable or
familiar with the other person, and lacking awareness that they
are favoring specific individuals due to their implicit biases.
Observe and adjust.
Feeling unvalued and overlooked may make you dislike your boss
and want to vent to colleagues or confront your boss. However,
your best move is to conduct yourself as though favoritism doesn’t
exist and seek to cultivate a stronger relationship.
Observe which topics spark your boss’s enthusiasm and how they
communicate. Consider how you might show interest in these
areas and adapt your communication style to be more effective.
For example, suppose they light up when thinking big picture and
you’re more detail-oriented. They’ll likely find conversations with
you more energizing if you first address the overarching goals or
vision and link the details to these broader objectives.
Put yourself in your boss’s shoes and consider their goals and
pressures. Are there ways you can make their life easier or help
them shine in their boss’s eyes? Also, focus on what you like or
appreciate about them. Liking works reciprocally, so if you want
your boss’s approval, start by liking them. Look for what you have
in common. Perhaps you have similar-aged kids, like the same
sports team, or share a love for live music. Foster conversations
around those common areas to deepen your connection.
Finally, observe what the favored colleague does well that makes
them successful with your boss. What can you learn and emulate
to become more effective? Discard any resentment you harbor
and invest in your relationship with this colleague. After all, if the
boss’s favorite thinks highly of you, it may also improve your
boss’s image of you.
Adjusting your style to match your boss’s preferences doesn’t
make you a brown-noser; it just makes you more effective. Even if
you never become their favorite, it behooves you to improve this
vital relationship.
Communicate proactively with your boss.
When you feel like you’re not favored, you may hesitate to
proactively communicate with your boss, worrying that you
might be a bother and worsen your relationship or that your
attempts will be futile. However, a passive approach will result in
missed opportunities for growth, clarification, and relationshipbuilding.
Even if you’ve worked together for a while, clarify their
expectations of you. Many bosses are unclear about their
expectations, and misaligned assumptions may underlie your
troubles. Inquire about their general expectations – like the
contributions they want from you in your role and what kinds of
problems they like to be informed about – and their specific ones.
For example, as you begin a new project or task, ask questions like
“For this to be a great success, what specific aspects would you
want me to include?”
Regularly request performance feedback, particularly if in-person
interactions with your boss are infrequent, to compensate for the
lack of informal exchanges. Again, ask specific questions like,
“What are the top areas you think I can improve the most?”
Pressing them for the specifics means you can more easily action
their suggestions. While receiving constructive feedback
is inherently stressful, you may learn what’s in your way.
Finally, respectfully advocate for your needs and growth interests,
such as professional development opportunities or stretch
assignments. Managers can’t read your mind, so being direct is
crucial, especially if you work remotely. In a recent survey, 42% of
managers indicated they sometimes forget about remote workers
when assigning tasks.
Make your achievements more visible.
The notion that “good work speaks for itself” is appealing but
idealistic. In truth, it’s unrealistic to think your boss will notice all
your talents and achievements without you highlighting them.
While you don’t want to be boastful, you must make your hard
work and accomplishments known. For example, you might
summarize your achievements in weekly updates to your boss via
email, a shared document, or during your one-on-ones and by
highlighting your team’s work in meetings. Dual-promotion, or
complimenting a colleague or peer while talking about your own
accomplishments, is also effective. Describe your actions,
emphasizing the positive results and impact they generated for
your organization.
This isn’t self-aggrandizing, and most managers are happy to have
more visibility into the activities and results of their team
members. Further, your ongoing documentation is a valuable tool
for performance reviews and resume updates, and may offer an
essential sense of internal validation in this scenario.
Nurture your internal network.
Developing a strong network can boost your job performance and
satisfaction and is vital to your career success. It’s even more
crucial if you’re not receiving guidance, recognition, and
opportunities from your boss.
To expand your network and visibility, seek opportunities to
contribute outside your specific job responsibilities. For example,
are there cross-functional projects that align with your interests or
skill set? Participating in these initiatives will help you showcase
your skills more broadly and build relationships with other senior
leaders and peers at your company. Seek your boss’s approval first
so they’re not caught off guard. Alternately, consider engaging in
company-wide initiatives such as committees, task forces, or
events. These forums offer opportunities to interact with other
senior leaders and peers in a more relaxed setting.
Lastly, seek mentoring opportunities through formal mentorship
programs by identifying or cultivating relationships with leaders
whose career paths or skills align with your aspirations.
A robust internal network can be a rich source of new insights and
guidance and offer a much-needed boost in job satisfaction. These
connections may also provide advanced knowledge of job
openings, which is invaluable if your situation doesn’t improve.
Staying positive and motivated is tough when your boss has a
clear favorite, but disengaging will only exacerbate the situation.
A positive, beneficial relationship with your boss is still possible,
even if you’re not the favorite. However, moving on could be the
best step if your consistent efforts remain unrecognized and
unrewarded. When you do, you’ll leave with valuable experience
gained in tough conditions, a strong track record of results, and a
supportive network ready to back you.
Dina Denham Smith is an executive coach to
senior leaders at world-leading brands such as
Adobe, Netflix, PwC, Dropbox, Stripe, and
numerous high-growth companies. A former
business executive herself, she is the founder
and CEO of Cognitas, and helps leaders and
their teams reach new heights of success.
Connect with her on LinkedIn.
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