THE
SOCIAL
STRATEGIST
HOW TO MASTER YOUR SOCIAL LIFE, RAISE
YOUR STATUS, AND WIN MORE NEGOTIATIONS
LUCIO BUFFALMANO
ALI SCARLETT
AND
BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF THE CLEVER CONNECTOR
GET YOUR FREE GIFT!
The Social Strategist © Copyright 2022 Lucio Buffalmano and Ali Scarlett
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ISBN: 979-8-218-02955-5
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction ...............................................................................................vii
Chapter 1:
Chapter 2:
Chapter 3:
Chapter 4:
Chapter 5:
Chapter 6:
How to Gain Positive Influence and Leverage Over
Anyone You Want .................................................................. 1
The Number One Quality to Gain Respect and Fairness ...... 30
How to Build a Social Circle of Cool Friends, Allies,
and Mentors at Will ............................................................. 61
How to Overcome the Power Games People Play
that Cost You Success ........................................................... 78
How to Win More Negotiations with Advanced
Frame Control Techniques ................................................. 106
Next Steps .......................................................................... 129
Afterword ................................................................................................ 139
Bibliography............................................................................................ 147
About the Authors ................................................................................... 151
INTRODUCTION
Once upon a time, there was a 16-year-old boy who lived an
ordinary life.
Every day, he would dream of living “the good life” and wonder
how to get it.
One day, this boy had an unfamiliar, near-death experience, and he was isolated and left to die.
He had hit rock bottom, a pitch-black place, a living hell. It was either climb
or die there. And, climb he did.
He craved wisdom to help himself learn how to survive. He eventually managed to fight his way back into the light. He climbed out of hell.
Unfortunately, that climb cost the boy his childlike innocence.
But, after much more suffering and effort, he was no longer isolated and no
longer dying. He was, finally, back to his ordinary life.
And yet, something had changed. Now, the boy wanted to get the good life
even more—to get health, wealth, love, and happiness—and he wanted to
help others get it too.
My name is Ali Scarlett. When I was 16-years-old, I was isolated and left
to die.1 I’ve spent my life since then trying to be for myself and others what
1
You can get more information about Ali Scarlett’s inspiring life story in his free chapter
giveaway of The Clever Connector Second Edition: https://thecleverconnector.com/
all-guides/
vII
no one was for me, to be a helping hand in order to help myself and others
achieve personal empowerment by using helpful information as the pathway
to achieving more. That’s why I wrote this book with Lucio Buffalmano.
of rejections. Equally fruitless was my search for a partner. No
So, now, I’d like to share with you a fascinating idea.
I remember a particularly difficult evening, after yet another job
What if we lived in a world where anyone, anywhere had the power—the
helpful information—to transform their life through learning?
surprise there—women don’t exactly lust after losers with a beatendog face.
rejection. I picked up the phone to call my parents. I wanted to talk
to someone. But I didn’t make the call. I just looked at the phone
and then put it back. I wasn’t sure I could make that call without
How would the world change if we applied and shared with each other the
helpful information that could transform our lives for the better?
breaking down, and I didn’t want to bring that pain to my parents.
What would the world look like if we transformed the powerless into helpful, powerful people who could help themselves and others live better, happier lives?
a way. For the first time in my life, I could barely see the light at the
That’s my vision, and that’s why I wrote this book.
naive me didn’t have back then—those advanced social skills—are
This is what Lucio says of his own learning experience:
For the first time in my life, I wasn’t so sure that I was going to find
end of the tunnel.
But, now I know better. Now, I know that those real-world skills that
necessary. And, they’re necessary for more than being able to survive the worst that life can throw at us. They’re necessary for those
Before I started learning the advanced social skills I’m about to
of us who want more out of life. For you, that could be to book the
teach you, I was an underdog. Socially unaware, romantically medi-
career deals you dream about, sign the clients you want, or win
ocre, naive, and, of course, clueless about the advanced social
the raise that you’ve been working toward. Or, it could be to drive
skills I needed to navigate the toughest times that were headed
the cars you love, buy the clothes you deserve, or get the partner
my way.
you’re attracted to.
Back then, I used to think that “things will turn out fine in life,
Or, if you’ve read Ali’s work, it could be to build the celebrity, execu-
because…why shouldn’t they?” I was a young, naive optimist—the
tive, or billionaire friendships that you envision.
kind that didn’t have the real-world skills or awareness to handle
Whatever it is for you, the real-world skills that will get you your
my life’s biggest failures.
life’s biggest dreams are the advanced social skills that can turn
One particular December night, Christmas lights adorned a snowy
the people behind your goals into friends, allies, and mentors.
white Berlin. It was beautiful and picturesque. Not for me, though.
Knowing how to navigate your relationships with those key peo-
That night I was crouching on the floor, crying.
ple and decision-makers will leverage them into an advantage that
helps you achieve your goals.
I was in a cramped-up back-room of a gay couple’s apartment
because that was all I could afford. I was broke, jobless, alone,
and desperate. My search for employment amounted to a string
viii L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
In today’s world, reaching the heights of social success is harder than ever.
When was the last time you had a conversation with someone or was in a
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
ix
negotiation and always knew exactly what to say? Or, when was the last time
you got made fun of in front of others and knew exactly how to come out of
it on top?
Luckily, this book has been designed to resolve your daily stumbling blocks
and elevate you to a new level of social success in a concise and easy-to-read
fashion. This book is for you if you feel like you suffer from tricky conversations, assertiveness obstacles, or ineffective persuasion.
As lifetime students of personal and professional development and experts in
the art of navigating social relationships, we’ve read and tested hundreds of
the best books, courses, articles, and studies on the subject of advanced social
skills. Driven businesspeople, goal-oriented students, and many others who
struggle with the higher levels of socialization have already experienced great
success by implementing the advice and action steps in this guide.
A student of Lucio’s who took the course this book is based on says, “I was
expecting good content, but I also thought I was going to read things I already
knew. Boy, was I wrong. It’s the first time I’m hearing about most of this stuff,
even though I bought dozens of other courses and had a mentor for a year.”2
Dillon Barr, bestselling author of The Happiness Gap, also said, “What a fun
and quick read from someone that has succeeded in the industry. He walks
you through people in high power positions having the best success with marketing [themselves] while at the same time talking about how our perceptions
dictate our reality. A definite recommendation to anyone looking to build
themselves up through the power of networking.”
But don’t take their word for it. As you go through this book, you’ll see for
yourself that its valuable information speaks for itself. If you follow this helpful how-to guide, we promise you’ll get three times as much social success than
you have right now.
Don’t be the person who misses out on opportunities because you lack the
advanced social skills needed to master your social life, raise your status, and
win more negotiations. Instead, be the kind of person who goes after what
they want in life and gets it. Be the kind of person who takes action.
W H O T H I S B O O K I S N OT F O R
Another student of his expressed publicly on ThePowerMoves.com forum,
“I’m completely blown away by the material of this course. I have an elite
background, first-class education, and yet I didn’t have a clue about this stuff.
This material is so powerful that I couldn’t help but feel angry that I had been
kept in the dark.”
This book is not for people without a basic, foundational understanding of
social skills. The lessons we teach throughout each chapter are advanced and,
if you feel unprepared to move beyond the popular advice and literature, then
there are other resources out there that would be a better starting point for you.
(Basic, foundational social skills include knowing your preferred approach to
socializing, moving past small talk, smoothly changing topics, and ending
conversations gracefully.)
Bestselling authors who have read my work have also commented on how
impactful it was for them. Lise Cartwright, bestselling author of Side Hustle
Blueprint, says, “I really enjoyed this book, particularly learning more about
how the author came to learn how ‘power’ and the perception of others believing you have power, leads to them valuing you more. The action steps at the
end of each chapter help turn this topic into clear actionable tasks, something
I enjoyed instead of just passively reading. I’m glad I grabbed this book!”
If, however, you already have a ground level understanding of social skills,
then to reach new levels of social success, you only need to keep reading. The
advanced social skills and social strategies you’re about to learn have been
proven to create long, lasting results. Each chapter will give you new insight as
you strive to reach your goals.
2
So, once again, don’t be the person who takes too long to apply the resources
that can make their life better and suffers costly losses because of it. Take
You can get more information about the course this book is based on at The Power
Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/
x LU C I O B U F FA L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
xi
control of your life right now; make it socially powerful, and enjoy the new
life you’re creating.
We’ll be referencing some comprehensive resources throughout the book you
can visit and read for free if you’re the type of person who wants more.
W H AT TO D O R I G H T N O W
Social success is yours for the taking. It’s up to you to take it. Simply turn the
page and go get the success you deserve.
If you’re already at the point of being ready for this book, chances are you’re a
driven person. That means you’re also probably a busy person with lots to do.
We know there’s a risk that your interest won’t translate to immediate action
right now. So, here are two suggestions on what you can do right now to make
your first breakthrough today.
1. Grab the free guide to the best social skills books at The Power Moves.3
It’s completely free, and you get twelve recommendations of the best social
skills books available as well as full reviews and pros and cons as to why they
made the list. You’re welcome to share those recommendations with your
peers, friends, or team. But, be sure to come back to this book to learn how to
get even better after building that base.
All free guides are in the footnotes, so keep an eye on the footnotes if you want
additional, free, in-depth training from either Lucio or me.
2. Read the next two chapters today.
You’ve already made it this far into the book—we’re nearly through the introduction now. Done is better than perfect, so do your best to schedule out
some time to go through the next two chapters today. In those chapters, you’ll
learn the factors that make the difference between short-term success, longterm success, and failure in your social efforts.
You’ll also get specific, practical action steps that mean you’ll never again be
unsure of the difference between those who make it to the top and those who
remain stuck at the bottom.
3
You can get a free, in-depth guide to the best social skills books at The Power Moves
website: https://thepowermoves.com/best-social-skills-books/
xii L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
xiii
CHAPTER 1
HOW TO GAIN POSITIVE
INFLUENCE AND LEVERAGE
OVER ANYONE YOU WANT
“Charismatic people are that way not because
they have access to a bunch of techniques most
of us don’t. But, because they execute many of their
social fundamentals a little better than normal…
Social skills are skills like any other…in the end, you
have to practice to really get things down.”
—Chris MacLeod, The Social Skills Guidebook
Lucio agrees. The most charismatic people are not using any special techniques, they’re simply executing the fundamentals better than most.
If at any point in time throughout this book you feel like things are getting
“too advanced” for you or that there has to be an easier way, be patient with
yourself before you throw in the towel. Social skills are a skill set. There is no
magic technique, insider tip, or quick hack to get good at them—especially
not if you want to reach the advanced level. Social skills are a skill like any
other that take time and practice before you can gain any understanding or
mastery in them.
1
With that said, feel free to go back over any points that you feel you don’t
quite understand yet as many times as you need. The information you’ll discover in this book (including this chapter) is unlike anything the common
self-help literature is teaching, and it’s certainly not taught in school. So, it’s
completely OK to take your time learning and understanding the concepts,
strategies, and techniques you are going to get from this point forward.
2.
3.
4.
5.
To clarify what we mean when we say “value,” here is a quick definition:
Now, finally, let’s start with the very first thing you need to know to develop
advanced social skills. The social exchange.
“In social exchanges, value is an umbrella term for
everything that makes or has the potential to make
people better off (when the value is positive).”5
The social exchange is foundational to how the most successful high-achievers
of this world navigate their relationships. With this chapter, you’ll learn how
to navigate your relationships like a high-achiever too.
First, let’s start with a definition:
“The social exchange theory is a framework model
that looks at social relationships as exchanges among
individuals who seek to maximize their selfish interests.”4
The social exchange theory starts from the proven premise that people prefer
relationships that add value to their lives. These are the relationships that advance
their interests, make them feel good, and generally make them better off.
H O W T H E S O C I A L E XC H A N G E H E L P S YO U
When you understand the transactional nature of human relationships—the
parts of us that are always checking whether or not a relationship helps us or
hurts us—it will help you to:
1. Assess people’s character.
4
Lucio Buffalmano, “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network
of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2),” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022, https://
thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/.
2 LU C I O B U F FA L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
Recognize and choose givers and collaborators who make your life better.
Recognize and cut out the “takers” who hamper your progress.
Be a better friend or partner.
Be a better leader.
“Value” includes both material and emotional benefits.
Emotional benefits include things such as attention, gratitude, appreciation,
or a positive energy that uplifts people. It can also be as simple as an honest compliment.
What people want and appreciate is “value-positive” (meaning it adds value
to your life), and what they dislike and avoid is “value-taking” (meaning it
takes value from your life). People naturally prefer dealing and engaging with
value-giving individuals (people who give value or make us generally better
off ), and we often avoid the value-taking ones (people who take away value or
make us worse off ).
High-value people are people with an abundance of positive value to give us.
Generally speaking, these high-value people are people who provide (or could
provide) what others want. For that simple fact, high-value people are highly
sought after.
Now, your efforts to develop a relationship with someone is a negotiation. And,
you negotiate your relationships both verbally and non-verbally. Therefore, if
you want to have the best chances of building solid relationships with others,
5
Lucio Buffalmano, “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network
of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2),” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022, https://
thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/.
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
3
you need to care for more than what you say. You also need to make sure you
present yourself to others as a high-value individual.
Why? Simple—because people want to be around people who make their
lives better.
We’ll dive deeper into this in later chapters, but this is the not-so-secret secret
to how to master your social life. You can build a social circle of cool friends,
allies, and mentors at will when they know you can add value to their lives
(make their life better). So, since high-value individuals are people who make
(or can make) the lives of others a lot better, who are the low-value people?
They’re the opposite. They are people who rarely make others better off and
who often make others worse off. It’s the low-value people who are far more
likely to become value-takers, and for this simple reason, they are shunned,
avoided, and disliked.
for a value-positive transaction (which is where someone could be value-giving), we welcome them—and sometimes even chase them. Generally speaking, we are also much more likely to follow the value-givers and be influenced
by them.
You might notice that the main takeaway here is to become and act like a value-giver and avoid being (or coming across as) a value-taker. And, that’s right.
The more you can get others to view you as helpful to their life rather than
harmful, the more you can get relationships with those people—including
high-value people who could make your life a lot better.
So, acquiring social capital is a great way to make others see you as a helpful
giver (which will make them more willing to build a relationship with you).
“Social capital is a measure of the social credit
(or social debt, in cases of negative social capital)
that you have with other individuals.”8
So, your takeaway is this: by providing value and/or becoming a higher-value
individual, you become the person everyone wants to be around—so long as
you’re also smooth and warm toward others (more on that later).
Now, to keep tabs on how much value you’re giving, people do something
called value accounting.6 Think of value accounting as a sort of social bookkeeping where people naturally keep track of who is giving and who is taking,
including who could give and who could take.
Your social capital is like a bank account. The difference is, instead of financial
transactions flowing money in and out, you have “social transactions” flowing
gestures of goodwill in and out.
When we expect a value-negative transaction from someone (when we expect
someone to be value-taking), we avoid them. And when we see the potential
Think of it like a video game. You’re playing a game where, in the game, your
character is walking by and, suddenly, a random shop owner stops you and
asks for your help finding their lost dog. You accept the quest, you go get their
lost dog for them, and, as a result, you’ve helped them. So long as you take
credit for finding their dog, they’ll give you a reward in the form of a ticket
that has “social credit” written on it.
6
Now, that ticket (social credit) goes into your (social) bank account. And you
can cash in that ticket with that shop owner to ask for something from him
There is sound evidence that almost everyone keeps a “social accounting tab.”7
People do this to make sure they are surrounded by the type of person who
makes their life better and not someone who makes their life worse.
7
Lucio Buffalmano, “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network
of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2),” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022, https://
thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/.
Lucio Buffalmano, “Evolutionary Psychology (6th Edition): Notes & Review,” The Power
Moves, December 16, 2019, https://thepowermoves.com/evolutionary-psychologyby-david-buss/.
4 LU C I O B U F FA L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
8
Lucio Buffalmano, “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network
of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2),” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022, https://
thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/.
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
5
and, now, he will be far more likely to give it to you. As an alternative, you can
also simply hold onto that ticket for a while, which allows him to remember
you positively as the one who helped him with something he needed.
more social credit I gave him in return, which raised his social capi-
As a matter of fact, many of the happy givers who succeed at life don’t go
around constantly “calling in their favors.” Instead, they keep accumulating
credit and goodwill (tickets) from others because they’re happy to give value.9
been far more likely to give it to him than if he had never done
The more favors you do for others, the more social credits go into your social
bank account and the more you can cash in those social credits for things in
return. Or, you can simply keep adding to your social bank account to add
to the goodwill, leverage, and influence you have over the people you helped.
That’s social capital. Having lots of social capital means people see you as
someone who has given them lots of value—someone who has been very helpful to them.
Here’s a practical, real-life example that Lucio himself added when first reviewing this book’s draft:
When Ali sought to give me value, he took a look at what I might
find valuable. Then, he gave me his feedback on how to make the
graphic designs of my eBooks and website logos more aesthetically pleasing. He gave a full teardown analysis of the psychology
of some of my website’s marketing. And, finally, he shared his ideas
on a tagline for my business that reflects the themes and beliefs of
personal empowerment we encourage over at The Power Moves.
These are all things that I did actually find super helpful (AKA valuable). The more value he gave me that I actually found helpful, the
9
It’s true that many successful people are happy givers who don’t call back favors.
However, if success is a higher priority for you than fulfillment and happiness right
now, then it pays to be more strategic about giving to the right people—such as highvalue people and collaborators—and to ask for at least some of the favors back.
Also, you want to avoid any giving that is based on a lack of strength to say “no.” That’s
weak people-pleasing behavior.
6 LU C I O B U F FA L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
tal with me further.
Ali could’ve asked for something back from me, and I would’ve
those things for me. But, instead, Ali chose to hold onto his social
credits and keep his social capital with me high, using it to deepen
our friendship as we interacted online.
Fast-forward to today, and here we are co-authoring this book.
One of the things I am happiest about with this book—besides its
value to you, dear reader—is that I had the chance to do it specifically with him. That’s because I feel close to Ali, because I see Ali as
a huge value-giver and “force for good” in the world, and because I
finally had the chance to share some more concrete value with him
as thanks for all the value he has given me.
And the “agreement” to go ahead with it? A breeze! An idea on
the forum first, five texts on WhatsApp to agree on the terms, and
done, all because Ali understood the social exchange, adopted a
giver mindset, acted as a value-giver, and, as a result, had a ton of
positive social capital, trust, and goodwill with me.
Back to us now.
You can also start out a relationship with some social capital even before having helped someone. How is that possible? Well, think about it…if you’re a
high-value individual, they will already know that you have the potential to
give them lots of value and make their life a lot better. In that case, your potential to give, on its own, still earns you almost the same (and sometimes even
more) goodwill, leverage, and influence over people that you would have by
actually giving.
As a result of having lots of social capital (a social bank account well-funded
with social credits), people will like you, want something from you, and want
to be around you because you lift them up—or can lift them up (which would
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
7
be like “passive social capital” because it’s based on your potential to give,
rather than what you’ve actually, already given).
Now, the opposite side of that is that you can lose social capital by taking
from others. That’s not always bad though, because if there’s a fair balance
between your give and take, exchanging with someone often can deepen your
relationship with them, so long as you’re being fair and respectful throughout
each exchange.
The main issue is if you’re consistently taking from someone without giving
them anything in return. That’s the social equivalent of putting yourself into
“overdraft” because you don’t have any social credits to cash in to get what you
want. When you haven’t given before and start out a relationship by taking—
especially if the person didn’t offer to give something on their own—those
people will view you as a value-taker and avoid you. Positioning yourself as
a value-giver first is the surest way to gain the negotiating power to build a
relationship and get what you want.
Here’s another quick real-life example Lucio shared on ThePowerMoves.com:
On Twitter, a person I’d never met or interacted with before sent me
a tweet saying, “Direct message me, I have a question on a recent
article you wrote.”
OK, let’s do a quick recap. For a successful social life, you need to grow your
social capital (social bank account). You do that by giving value to others that
they will appreciate and, as a result, give you social credit for (such as by giving
others helpful favors). By growing your social capital, you also get goodwill,
leverage, and influence over others while increasing your chances of also getting value back.
The only question left now is: what value should you give to someone? What
value can you give that they would appreciate enough to give you social credits
for in return?
For example, if you had found the shop owner’s dog when it was never missing, they would never have given you social credits because the value you gave
wasn’t helpful. It didn’t make their life any better. In other words, your value
was “value-neutral.” To master your social life with new and deeper relationships, you need to give value that’s value-positive. Value that others appreciate
enough to give you social credit for.
So, to answer the question of “what value to give,” first, we need to cover the
different currencies in the social exchange. Not all forms of values (currencies)
are always accepted, and some currencies are more in-demand and more valuable than others.
In light of the social exchange, why do you think this was doomed
“A social currency is a specific form of value
that people seek in social exchanges.”10
to fail?
It’s because when you ask a question, you need an answer, and, on
top of that, you are making a demand of someone’s time. That puts
you in social debt.
That’s why, ideally, you want to make up for your request and give
some value back so you can field your request with a balanced
Value can come in many different forms. The currency is the specific form
of value that is being offered or traded—for example, a character trait like
kindness or a more material benefit like owning a villa in Tuscany that you can
share with others (such as for free food and cultural holidays).
social capital—preferably, a positive one or, at least, one that’s less
in “overdraft.” (Later, you’ll see a better way this person could’ve
gone about asking for an answer to their question.)
8 LU C I O B U F FA L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
10
Lucio Buffalmano, “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network
of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2),” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022, https://
thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/.
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
9
Think of currencies as sub-categories of your total value, similar to how different investment classes sum up your total personal financial net worth. At any
time, people can exchange different classes of investment. And, similarly, at
any time, people can exchange different social currencies.
encompass the highly visible social currencies (the ones on the surface) while
“inner layers”—or “deeper layers”—include the lower-visibility currencies.
Your external layers are the qualities that people first notice about you.
They include:
•
•
•
•
•
•
Beauty
Style
Physical fitness
Body language / Nonverbal cues
Posture
Grooming
The more you improve each quality, the higher each currency’s value rises.
For example, becoming very beautiful, very physically fit, or very stylish raises
each currency as well as your “total (social) value.”
The more you can raise the value of each of your social currencies, the higher-value you become from the get-go.
As a practical example, you can see in dating that since people can offer and
trade value in different currencies, couples can pair up while looking very
different to each other—think of a beautiful woman with a less attractive
but wealthy, high-status man. Both offer very different currencies to each
other (beauty, money, and status), yet they still create a balanced enough value
exchange to make the relationship work as a win-win.
S O C I A L C U R R E N C I E S : “ S U R FA C E ”
CURRENCIES AND “DEEP” CURRENCIES
As we said before, social currencies are specific forms of value that people
offer and seek. There are countless currencies that people exchange in the
social marketplace.
One of the most helpful ways to develop social strategies is to divide the
currencies in terms of “visibility.” We’ll call them “layers.” “External layers”
10 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
Deeper layer currencies, however, are a bit different because, while they work
the same way as external layer currencies in terms of raising your value the
more you improve them, they’re not directly visible. To access your deeper
layers, people need to get to know you.
Your deeper layer currencies include:
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Humor
Knowledge
Connections
Personality
Life achievements
Mastery (of something)
Future potential (to acquire any of the above)
People need to actually get to know you to discover how funny you are, what
life achievements you may have, and what your overall personality is like.
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
11
These are not things people can pick up about you and understand simply
from looking at you, which is what separates them from the external layers.
Now, get this…your external layers are a “pass-through” to your deeper ones.11
Most people are not interested in your deeper qualities if you don’t reach at
least a minimum threshold for your external qualities.
Here’s an example. How willing are you to talk with a smelly homeless person
in tattered clothes? That’s an extreme example of someone having not only
low-value external social currencies but negative ones.
That homeless person might have a lot of wisdom to share, and that wisdom
might be a high-value currency to many people. The issue is that the currency
of wisdom is a “deeper layer currency,” and deeper layer currencies take time
to show. They require someone who’s willing to stick around to access them.
Unfortunately, few people are willing to stick around long enough to access
any deeper value from a homeless person. This is because sticking around is
value-taking for most people because of the homeless person’s negative external currencies (including smell, social shame for being with a homeless person,
perceived risks of erratic behavior, perceived risks of diseases, and so on).
Now, compare that to a person who you know equally as little about but who
looks like a model. Who would you rather engage with for a date, a friendship,
a chat, or even a business deal?
It’s an easy choice. The latter person takes better care of themself and, as a
result, has higher external value. Those higher-value external qualities also
allow them to eventually showcase their deeper layers of value to you. In other
words, in life, those external values can help get their foot in the door.
Studies have shown that anyone’s external layers can make their deeper layers
look better, and, vice-versa, because both layers always influence each other
and feed into one another:
•
•
•
Of course, the opposite is also true.
Value-negative appearances will make you come across as a worse person,
and value-negative personality traits will make you come across as less physically attractive.
So, the takeaway here is to take care of your looks, because they do matter.
Especially, since your looks also influence whether or not people view you as
having a good personality.
Now, you might be thinking that, since both the external and deeper layers feed
into one another and influence each other, “actually” being high-value (with your
deeper layers) is as important as appearing high-value (with your external layers).
Well, honestly, that’s generally true—and, the other way around is also true.
As we saw from the example above, taking care of your personality and character is pointless if they never see it. And yet, at the same time, taking care of
your looks alone is also not enough, because the better your deeper layers are,
the more value you have to give once people do get to know you.
12
The same applies to you. The better your external qualities, the better your
chances will be of showcasing your deeper ones. Plus, simply having a higher
external value will brighten everything about you—including your deeper,
character-based traits.
13
14
11
A few exceptions always apply, but, generally speaking, this is a basic and almost
universal social law.
12 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
Beautiful people are perceived as smarter.12
People in authority positions are perceived as taller.13
People with great personalities who make us feel good are perceived as
being more attractive.14
Satoshi Kanazawa and Jody L Kovar, “Why Beautiful People Are More Intelligent,”
Intelligence 32, no. 3 (May 2004): pp. 227-243, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.intell.
2004.03.003.
Lucio Buffalmano, “Winning Body Language by Mark Bowden: Summary &
Review,” The Power Moves, October 18, 2017, https://thepowermoves.com/winningbody-language-summary/.
Michelle Tornquist and Dan Chiappe, “Effects of Humor Production, Humor Receptivity,
and Physical Attractiveness on Partner Desirability,” Evolutionary Psychology 13, no. 4
(October 12, 2015), https://doi.org/10.1177/1474704915608744.
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
13
So, the question remaining is, once you’ve done your best to improve both
layers, how can you advertise your deeper layers—the value that people can’t
immediately see? How can you make sure people see your worth as a person
and see you as actually being high-value beyond the surface-level value of
your looks?
DO THIS:
•
•
Well, let’s start with what not to do. For starters, avoid bragging. Bragging
doesn’t work because anyone can lie, and the bragger, having an obvious interest to inflate their own value, is going to be biased. Plus, it will look like you’re
trying to gain the approval of others, which is low-value behavior, and it just
sounds cheap on top of portraying poor social skills.
Also avoid being too blatant and obvious with your demands for value because
it can easily rub people the wrong way. For example, avoid a demanding attitude coupled with saying things like, “I know my worth.” It makes you come
across as an entitled status inflator because it sub-communicates, “I set my
value, not you. So, regardless of what you think, you have to put in a lot of
effort for me because I say I’m worth it.”
That’s a covert power move (more on that later), and it annoys people because
it seeks to rob them of their right to do their own evaluations. And it’s especially annoying to high-value individuals who tend to be aware of power
dynamics and the games many people play (and most high-value people are
naturally aware of power moves).15
•
•
•
•
On ThePowerMoves.com forum, Lucio shared a popular post for that latter
technique. He says:
On one of my travels, I saw a breathtaking view I absolutely loved.
I took a picture that I wanted to share on social media, but I knew
it could come across as showing off—especially given that social
media is fast-becoming a medium where people only compete
with one another about who’s “higher value.” It’s easy for a post of a
If you know your value, great. Just don’t say it—show it.
good time to sub-communicate, “Look how much better I am than
you,” even if it’s only a picture of a beautiful view.
So, moving on from what not to do and focusing more on what you can do—
when it comes to pitching your deeper, not so immediately obvious currencies, it’s advanced social skills to the rescue.
So, in the caption of the post, I made sure to say, “Do stop here
whenever you can…” In doing so, I changed the subcommunication
16
15
Lucio Buffalmano, “Women: Never Say ‘I Know My Value.,’” The Power Moves,
October 5, 2020, https://thepowermoves.com/forum/topic/women-never-say-i-knowmy-value/#postid-2964.
14 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
Talk in a way that indirectly shows your deeper qualities (which is
an art in itself, we’ll see some examples).
Bait others to ask you the questions—or bait them to compliment you.16
Compliment others (which leads them to think you are smart and
have great taste).
Compliment others for the qualities you also have (a shrewd way
to make them realize both your qualities and the commonalities
between you two).
Share your achievements not with a focus on the achievements but
on the fight to get there.
Frame whatever could come across as “look how cool I am” as
advice or lessons learned17
17
Lucio Buffalmano, “How to Make Women Compliment You (Dating for Men),”
The Power Moves, August 27, 2020, https://thepowermoves.com/forum/topic/
how-to-make-women-compliment-you-dating-for-men/.
A “frame” is a way of looking at the world, a specific topic, or a social interaction. You’ll
hear and learn more about frames as you continue reading.
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
15
from, “Look how much better I am than you,” to, “Here’s me simply
sharing tips on where to visit.”
That caption brought people up to my same level, indirectly saying
that they can travel there, too, and appreciate the view and experience as well.
The result? That picture was one of the most popular pictures I
ever posted.
Back to us. Now that we’ve covered a basic overview of the social exchange,
what it is, and how it works, let’s review some foundational social exchange
laws. Though they may sound simple on the surface, take some time to internalize them because they may well contain your keys to success.
S O C I A L E XC H A N G E L AW S : T H E B A S I C S
Straight from the social exchange theory, the major laws for social success are:18
1. To get what you want, give others what they want.
As we said before, asking without giving is the equivalent of a social overdraft.
Your request is likely to be denied for “lack of sufficient social funds.” In other
words, you get denied for lack of social capital when you haven’t given anything or if what you’ve given doesn’t make up for what you’re asking for.
So, if you instead give others what they want, you are far more likely to also
get what you want (which is a “socially balanced request”).
2. To achieve popularity, influence, and power, give value or develop the
ability to give value.
18
People with lots of value to give are walking moneybags. Everybody wants
them. Most people are willing to follow them and do as they ask since they
know that the high-value person can pay them back (of course, they will rarely
rationally think that way, but everyone subconsciously thinks that way).
3. To avoid rejections, isolation, and general life failures, avoid taking
value from others and avoid positioning yourself as a taker.
Since nobody wants to transact, befriend, or date value-takers, value-takers
struggle to develop and/or maintain relationships.
That’s why a positive reputation is so helpful. A good reputation is like a
personal recommendation preceding you and saying “this guy is an honest
value-giver.”
That’s also why some psychopath value-takers are constantly on the move—
they have to keep escaping the negative social bank account balances they
keep creating.
4. To befriend, date, do business with, or generally socially transact with
high-value folks as a lower-value individual, find something to give to
make up the difference or with which to provide “promissory notes”
of future paybacks.
Everyone wants to associate with high-value folks, but high-value folks prefer associating with other high-value folks—or, at least, with people who are
willing to make up the difference. That’s why the first step to transact with
high-value people is to avoid framing yourself as just another taker. They have
enough of those vying for their time already.
Next, you must show that you are not simply neutral. You can also give something. If you don’t have much to give right now, you must give loyalty and
gratitude. Gratitude is a promissory note of your willingness to pay them back
in the future. (You’ll see examples of that soon.)
Lucio Buffalmano, “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network
of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2),” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022, https://
thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/.
16 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
17
5. To develop lasting and happy relationships, keep a positive account
with everyone (make your relationships win-win).
In a negotiation, things often end one of four ways: in a win-win (where both
parties win), a win-lose, (where one party wins and the other loses), a lose-lose
(where both parties lose), or a no deal (where no deal happens, oftentimes
because neither party could reach an agreement).
Win-win relationships are the gold standard of social exchanges. When everybody wins, everybody walks away happy. The happiest relationships are the
ones that tend to last the longest.
Win-lose relationships (where one party is a value-taker, causing the other
party to lose) either end soon or turn toxic and must be kept in place with
coercion (force) and/or manipulation.
Lose-lose are toxic relationships that don’t last. Exceptions always apply—
for example, in a toxic relationship where both parties are dependent on one
another and make each other worse. But, sticking to the norm here, usually,
one major or multiple small lose-lose exchanges in a relationship will lead both
parties to part ways, knowing their time and effort is better invested somewhere else (unless, once again, the relationship is kept in place with coercion
and/or manipulation).
Value-neutral relationships are the equivalent of “no deal” relationships. They
can last, but they don’t thrive.
So, when you’re negotiating for a relationship, by presenting yourself to others
as a value-giver and/or high-value individual, you increase the chances the
other person will see a relationship with you as a win-win19—the best kind
of relationship out of the four. That will increase the chances they’ll want to
build and even deepen a relationship with you.
On the other side of that, equally as important is for you to also be avoiding
value-takers. A win-lose relationship wouldn’t be good for you either. No one
benefits from constantly being drained by a leech.
Now, as you begin working on raising your value (we’ll go deeper on how to
do that as we move forward), you might be wondering how exactly you can
connect to and build relationships with people who are already high-value.
Well, before you can build a real relationship with your target connection, you
need to know and understand them first.
Enter the profile of the high-value person.
H I G H -VA LU E P E O P L E : P R O F I L I N G
“High-value people are individuals
with an abundance of value.”20
Easy, right? As we said, that “value” can be traits, skills, or possessions that
others enjoy or want.
As a rule of thumb, the more you can associate with high-value people, the
more successful you will be. But, as we’ve seen, high-value people prefer associating with other high-value people.
Why? Because they can get back more, of course! The social exchange theory
says that people who have a lot to give also demand a lot back in return. So,
if you’re a high-value person, it doesn’t make sense for you to associate with
someone who doesn’t have anything to give back. That would be the same as
purposely adding leeches to your life, and no one wants to do that.
20
19
And of course, make sure they’re also collaborators or givers. There are plenty of people
who’d be happy to take from you while giving little or nothing back.
18 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
Lucio Buffalmano, “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network
of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2),” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022, https://
thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/.
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
19
The law of social exchange is also the reason why people tend to pair up with
mates who are similar in socioeconomic background, education, and general
physical attractiveness. Most people max out their results when they associate
with people who have a similar level of value. That ensures a good exchange,
with good relationship stability, while reducing the odds that they end up with
a lower-value value-taker.
Keep in mind that high-value people perceive people with little value to offer
as a personal risk. Low-value people trying to hobnob with high-value people
are under heavy scrutiny as potential leeches of value. They ask and want but
give nothing back (much like a value-taker does).
Here’s an example of the burden of being high value: Sara is the head recruiter
for a major corporation. She’s smart, cute, and takes care of herself. She has
lots to give, particularly to those looking for employment—or a mate.
Lots of people pleading for her help send her poor CVs that only waste her
time. Some of them are “friends,” who are really people looking to take what
she can give while giving nothing back. Some of them are even people on their
way out of her social circle, trying their luck at getting a new job by begging
Sara for help. They’ll ask her for a job and put her in the difficult situation of
having to reject them. Some colleagues are also out swinging after the value in
her attractiveness. At the company’s after-hours, there’s always “that guy” who
gets drunk and sloppily makes a pass at her.
She tries to fight it all, but she’s irritated at being a target to so many simply
because of her looks.
“God,” says Sara, “Can’t these people appreciate me for who I really am?” Sara
is complaining that people only see her external currencies. Nobody is interested in her deeper layers.
She particularly feels a pang of resentment when she sees the eyes of people brightening up when she mentions her job in recruitment. She feels they
only care about what she can do for them without them giving anything
back. Here, Sara is complaining about the lack of reciprocity in the social
20 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
exchange. She’s surrounded by value-takers. And value-takers can only offer
win-lose exchanges.
That’s how many high-value people often feel in the presence of value-takers.
The value-takers are trying to get something from them without giving anything back.
So, this begs the question: how do you ask for value strategically and lift yourself up when you have nothing concrete to give?
The simplest solution of them all: you give emotionally. Make people feel good.
For example, give praise and gratitude.21 When well-executed, praise and gratitude do a few great things for you:
•
•
•
They show you understand social and power dynamics (and that you
owe them).
They make the receiver feel good.
Gratitude works as a promissory note of future support (for the
receiver, it’s like making an ally).
This is far better than being the “entitled value-taker” who asks for value, takes
that value, and then acts like it was owed to them by never giving anything
back. Those entitled value-takers are the types of people who high-value individuals dislike the most.
If you need something from someone, that’s OK. However, seek to give something in return that’s helpful to the other person. Barring that, seek to give
emotionally, at the very least, by making the other party feel good for being so
giving and helpful (by giving that praise and gratitude).
This is crucial to understand because this is what keeps many low-value individuals stuck at the bottom. They don’t understand that high-value people
21
Lucio Buffalmano, “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network
of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2),” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022, https://
thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/.
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
21
don’t want to mingle with low-value people who don’t make an effort to rebalance the relationship.
Even in simply showing that you are willing to make an effort to make your
relationships and exchanges win-win can help you go very far with highvalue people.
Now, do you remember the random stranger who tweeted Lucio, “Direct message me, I have a question on a recent article you wrote”? He was in social
overdraft because he was looking to take Lucio’s time and personalized advice
without giving any value back.
So, how could he have offered a better exchange? A compliment, when well-executed, can be an easy first step to help make up the difference. Then, he could
have put in a little effort to also show his willingness to give.
For example, he could have said, “Hey man, your article was so insightful! I
already shared it with some friends. There is just this one thing I’m not sure
about.” Had he done that, Lucio might have actually answered him.
Now, since we’re on the topic of low-value people stuck at the bottom, let’s
discuss the profile of value-takers so you know what behaviors and attitudes to
avoid—both in yourself and in others.
VA LU E -TA K E R S : P R O F I L I N G
There are countless ways of being a value-taker. Some of them include:
–
–
–
Nasty Social Climbers. Trying to climb status and power hierarchies is normal, but the value-taking social climbers do so by pushing others down.
Complainers. Complainers are actually not value-taking to other
complainers (as the old saying goes, “Misery loves company”), but
they are value-taking with the driven go-getters of this world.
Nervousness and Insecurity. Emotional states are contagious, so
nervous people make for poor social interactions.
22 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
–
–
–
Party Poopers/Mood Dampeners. They take value by making
people sadder.
Braggarts/Status Inflators. We like people who make us feel
important, not those who are out to make themselves feel important.
The Socially Oblivious. These individuals have no idea how social
and power dynamics work, whether it’s basic or advanced (one
example below).
It’s dangerous to be any of these types of value-takers with high-value people
if you want to go far in life.
Here’s how value-takers can reveal themselves as such to others. They’ll ask
something like, “Hey, can you leave me a good review?”
The high-value person will think, “How about you earn your good review by
giving great value? I’m an honest reviewer; don’t corner me into this and take
my power and freedom away.”
Or, as another example, they’ll say, “When are you free for a coffee? I’d love to
pick your brain on that business I want to start.”
The high-value person will think, “If I hear ‘pick your brain’ one more time,
I’m gonna lose it. Why would I want to sit around for a coffee and expend
effort to explain things, while you take as much value as you can from me
without giving?”
Notice that these are requests for value from people with no social capital.
It’d be different if they had a previous history as friends, or if they had just
done favors for these high-value people. In that case, their past history would
justify their requests (because of favors that earned them social credits in the
past that they’re now cashing in). What makes the people in each of these
examples takers is that they have no social capital. On top of that, they’re
making no effort to give anything back or communicate that they’d give back
in the future.
Just a little fix could make the exchange more balanced and move you closer
to getting the “yes” you’re looking for. For example, if you’re a high-value
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
23
individual receiving one of these requests, and I was the guy who wanted to
“pick your brain,” instead I could simply invite you to lunch.
Here’s the difference. “I want to pick your brain” communicates, “I want you
to give me your time and sit there and answer all of my questions while I give
you nothing.”
Lunch is better than coffee, because you usually grab coffee in the morning.
Asking to grab coffee communicates, “In the middle of the day, right when
you’re probably working, let’s go out and have a casual conversation while I ask
you a ton of questions. And, just in case I decide to pay, it’ll be cheap for me
(that’s probably what your input is worth, anyway).”
It would be far more effective for me to say, “I want to exchange ideas with
you,” because that communicates that you’ll be sharing ideas with me, and I’ll
be sharing ideas with you in return as well. You’ll be getting something out
of it, which makes it more of a win for you.22 Plus, lunch is more valuable
than a cheap coffee. It’s still only a small token given the person is a highvalue and financially well-off individual. But, far more than the monetary
value of the lunch, it shows that, as the inviter, I understand the importance
of making my relationships and exchanges win-win, including my relationship and exchanges with you. So, in going from a cheap coffee to buying you
lunch, it shows I’m the type of value-giving individual who respects your time
and knowledge.
This is the “What’s In It For Them” (WIIFT) approach to social relationships,
and it’s one of the most important mindset shifts in life.
That value you can ask for back can be anything, so long as it’s equal to the
value you gave so you’re still creating a fair, balanced, win-win exchange. In
your negotiations for a relationship, this is the most crucial rule to understand.
As far as what to do from here, your most important real-life applications from
the social exchange are to:23
1. Focus on what you bring to the table. Make this your number one rule
for social exchanges.
2. Focus on what they bring to the table. As much as you want to bring
value, you also want to associate with other value-givers (and avoid the
value-takers).
3. Ask yourself if the relationship is balanced. Seek to have balanced relationships, as they are stronger and happier. Imbalanced relationships often
hide an element of emotional manipulation.
4. Cut out the takers. You no longer have any space for them in your life.
5. Stick with the value-giving collaborators. You can recognize good collaborators because they want to give back. One of our Power University24
alumni says that good collaborators feel bad being in debt and seek to give
back. They might also refuse a favor if they feel it’s “too much.”
6. Maintain the win-win. Win-win people and partners are social treasures.
Tend to these people, and keep these relationships.
To recap fully, here’s what we covered in this chapter.
Now, to bring it all back around, the most important takeaway for this chapter
is: “The more value you give, the more value you can ask for back.”
22
Lucio notes to be careful with this one. It works if—and only if—you’ve already
worked on yourself to a level where you can chip in some good ideas. Otherwise,
this can come across as a power move from someone who’s faking being higher value
than they really are (which is called a “status inflater”). And it would be an example of
manipulative, value-taking behavior because you’re setting up a win-lose exchange by
pretending to give.
24 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
•
23
24
Everything in life is a negotiation, including your negotiations for
a relationship.
Lucio Buffalmano, “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the Network
of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2),” The Clever Connector, January 5, 2022, https://
thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/.
You can get a free preview of the course this book is based on, Power University, at The
Power Moves: https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/poweruniversity-welcome-lesson/
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
25
•
•
•
•
•
You negotiate relationships with more than your words but how you
present yourself to others.
Present yourself to others as the type of person who makes their life
better by presenting yourself as a value-giving individual.
The more value you give, the more social capital you can build. The
more social capital you have with someone, the more influence, goodwill, and leverage you also have with that person. This allows you to
ask for something back (if you want to) and they will be far more
likely to give it to you.
To reveal your “harder to see” deeper layer social currencies, you need
advanced social skills. With advanced social skills, you can effectively
show the value you have to offer and increase the chances that others
will want to build a relationship with you.
To become a higher-value individual, follow the basic laws of the
social exchange, the real-life applications from the social exchange,
and the action steps that follow.
Keep in mind that if you don’t understand everything we just went over right
away, that’s completely OK! It took both Lucio and me years to learn these
advanced social skills—but they are achievable for anyone who is willing to
invest the time and effort to develop them. The more time and energy you’re
willing to invest into practice, the less time it will take for you. And, when
you reach that light at the end of the tunnel of this journey, it will all be well
worth it in the end.
Now, to make sure you apply the information in this chapter effectively, follow the action steps below. They’re practical, well-tested, and geared toward
making sure you get as much benefit from this chapter as possible.25
Action Steps:26
25
26
You can get more information about the social exchange at The Clever Connector
website: https://thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/.
You can get a free, in-depth guide to the best strategies, techniques, and mindsets for
social exchanges at The Clever Connector website: https://thecleverconnector.com/
social-exchange-theory-part-two/.
26 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
#1. Review your network for who’s high value and who’s low value.
If you’re the highest value person in your network, you’re doing it wrong.
Generally speaking, look for people who are higher value than you to learn
from and grow with, and find a way to give back to them so they’ll want to
associate with you.
Who can you approach, and what can you give them? Find ways to give them
value, write those ways down, and then try delivering that value.
#2. Review your relationships for who’s giving and taking.
Stop for a minute to consider how this information applies to your life.
First, think about your relationships that did not go well or about the relationships you wanted but didn’t manage to develop. Was there a mismatch in value
or a mismatch in giving and taking?
Now, think about your current relationships. Who are the collaborators in
your life? Those are your win-win opportunities. Tend to those relationships.
Are there givers in your life? And are you giving enough back? If you don’t,
they may feel spurned and taken advantage of, and they may pull back. Watch
out for that, and consider giving more.
Are there any takers in your life? Can you demand more back, maybe with
more assertive communication (which you’ll see more of in the next chapter)?
If not, can you consider cutting them out of your life?
Write it all down and start balancing or ending your relationships accordingly.
#3. Switch to a “What’s In It For Them” (WIIFT) mindset.
The easiest way to increase your social efficacy is to avoid just asking for stuff
but to instead approach social exchanges with the mindset of, “What can I do
for or offer to others?”
Then, present your offer in a way that appeals to their self-interests.
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
27
When you adopt this mindset, you automatically think and talk more
persuasively.
wanted to stand up to people who are disrespectful toward you or prevent
yourself from being taken advantage of, this next chapter is for you.
It’s a foundational, basic mindset. And yet, countless people constantly stumble with it.
More than how you can be more assertive, we’ll also go over the mindset you
need to surgically remove to optimize your assertiveness, how assertiveness
can raise your status by making you look like a high-value individual, and why
being strategically aggressive and/or submissive is sometimes better than being
consistently assertive.
Whenever you enter a social exchange, think, “What can I give to make this
more of a win for them?” until looking for ways to give value is your habit
of thinking.
#4. Start viewing your social exchanges strategically.
For example, this is what Lucio says in one of his lessons in Power University:
Keep some value “undelivered,” and only then make your ask.
The reason is that if you give away all your value at once, then you lose the
leverage of being able to give them more value later.
Depending on the situation, this can look like choosing to pay for a service in
installments rather than giving the seller all the money they want right away
in a one-time payment.
If you empty out your value jar and have nothing left to give, you will lose
leverage because people have already gotten everything from you. So, what’s
their incentive to give back or treat you well?
Sure, some people are honest, and might even appreciate your attitude, but,
whenever you’re dealing with someone for the first time—and especially if it’s
a one-off exchange and/or you have no particular reason to trust them yet—
it’s a better strategy not to give away all of your value at once.
So, instead of giving everything, only give a part of the value you have to offer,
use it to showcase the value you can add to them, and then ask for something back.
In the next chapter, we’ll be going beyond social exchanges and talk more
about a communication skill that ensures your relationships with others are
built on a two-way street of fairness and respect—assertiveness. If you ever
28 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
29
avoided all of the downsides of being passive. It seemed like the perfect way
to prevent people from walking all over you while also avoiding the potential
drawbacks of being an aggressive communicator.
CHAPTER 2
When I first got into networking, I made a lot of mistakes. One I remember
particularly well was with a favorite LinkedIn connection of mine, who we’ll
call April.
THE NUMBER ONE QUALITY TO
GAIN RESPECT AND FAIRNESS
April was one of the most value-giving contacts in my network—not only
because of her high-status but because of our rapport and friendship.
At the time of our connection, April was the president at the Pan African
Chamber of Commerce. Being a giving high-value person herself, she would
share that value with me whenever she figured it made sense for the both of us.
In the last chapter, we went over the social exchange and how positioning
yourself as a value-giver who aims for balanced, win-win relationships helps
you build relationships with the high-value individuals who can help you
reach more success.
The social exchange is important to make sure others don’t view you as a taker
and isolate you for it. Its principles apply across all facets of your social life,
including your social interactions in dating, business, and your career. So, it’s
very important that you take action on the last chapter’s action steps before
continuing onto this one.
“To be passive is to let others decide for you.
To be aggressive is to decide for others.
To be assertive is to decide for yourself.”
—Edith Eva Eger
I used to think that assertiveness was the communication style that was always
best. I thought it meant that you had the confidence to be direct and that it
30
On one occasion, she invited me to sit on the Corporate Alliance Panel with
her, alongside big-name execs, more high-status government officials, TEDx
organizers, influential entrepreneurs, and so on. Not long after that invitation,
she offered to nominate me for the 30 Under 30 Change Maker Award.
But, one day, she pulled what felt like a power move on me (we’ll get into the
specifics of what a power move is later). We agreed on a date and time for our
meeting, she made me wait, and then she didn’t show up.
I had a few options on how I could handle this. I could be passive and accept
that behavior, passive-aggressive and consider making a sarcastic or sly comment, or I could be aggressive and yell at her.
Instead, I chose to be assertive. I was direct, open, and honest about my feelings. I said, “April, when we agreed on a date and time for our meeting and
you made me wait, then didn’t show up, it felt disrespectful and it felt unfair.
So, if we’re going to set another time to meet, I would prefer if you gave me a
heads up whether or not you’re going to show moving forward. If you do that,
I think we’ll get along better and have a better relationship.”
In response, she disconnected from me and left my network.
Why is that? And, if assertiveness was wrong, what was the right choice?
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
31
Like I said, I used to think assertiveness was always the best communication
style to go for. Now I know that assertiveness must be calibrated to the person
and the situation. Otherwise, you risk coming across as overly-assertive even
when you’re using the same level of assertiveness that works for you in 90
percent of situations.
In this case, April had given me lots of value and, in return, I had given her lots
of praise and gratitude because, at the time, I didn’t have much else to give her
yet. But, she saw my potential and my willingness to give back in the future,
so she chose to keep on giving.
Still, I hadn’t given anything back yet. So, since she was giving more value in
the relationship than I was, the relationship was imbalanced. She felt like I
had to help make up for that difference by accepting her terms and working
around her times when it came to our meetings (something I didn’t know at
the time).
communication skills that will improve your personal and professional relationships without having to spend too much time learning from your early
falls or weeding through the hundreds of communication skills books out
there in the world.
So, with that said, we’ll move back to Lucio’s wisdom, and we’ll start with
what “assertiveness” is.
W H AT I S A S S E R T I V E N E S S ?
Assertiveness is defined in many different ways, but we believe in an assertiveness that supports emotional independence, personal empowerment, and a
win-win relationship.
So, assertiveness defined within those three elements is:
That’s why assertiveness was the wrong choice, here. By being passive and
letting things go, I could’ve kept the relationship alive while leaving the door
open to be more assertive later on after I’d rebalanced the relationship.
This is all the more reason to make sure that you have at least a minimum
understanding of the social exchange from the last chapter before you continue on to this one, where you’ll learn more advanced social skills such as
high-level communication strategies.
Now, as much of a loss as that might have been for me (and at that time, it
hurt to lose a contact, but hurt even more to lose someone I considered a
friend), it was also a huge gain. My biggest failures are my biggest learning
opportunities to grow into the kind of person who can make his best better
and advance his purpose by sharing stories like this one with you. I’m a firm
believer in learning from your failures as well as the failures of others, so it’s
only fair that I share my failures with you so you can learn from them as well
(and, hopefully, failures like them).
Luckily for you, you don’t need to learn everything about advanced social
skills from mistakes. With this book, you’ve found a full guide for practical
32 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
“To state your needs, wants, feelings, and opinions
clearly and directly, to respect yourself as well
as others, and to influence the world around you,
including other people, to reach certain goals.”27
Here is a visual chart of the different styles of communication adapted from
Randy Paterson:28
27
28
Lucio Buffalmano, “How to Be Assertive,” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021,
https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/assertiveness/topic/
how-to-be-assertive/#INTRO.
Lucio Buffalmano, “The Assertiveness Workbook: Notes & Review,” The Power Moves,
November 22, 2020, https://thepowermoves.com/the-assertiveness-workbook/.
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
33
For example, this is why when lottery ticket winners find out they have the
winning numbers, they often keep it a secret even when they haven’t picked up
their money yet. In simply being someone who’s going to acquire more value
in the future, they’re automatically higher-value. If they reveal their secret win
with everyone, it won’t be long before value-takers are banging on their door
begging for favors.
So, assertives are often viewed as having the potential to acquire more value in
the future because of their perceived go-getter attitude and strength of character. That makes them higher-value than, for example, the passive types who
seem to find it impossible to do what needs to be done, even when that’s
simply saying “no” to prevent possible abuse. That leads many people to feel
that building a relationship with an assertive type of person is a win for them.
Plus, since assertive individuals don’t overpower others (like aggressive individuals often do), they also tend to develop stronger long-term relationships.
Even though assertiveness is sometimes described as a “communication style,”
personally, I prefer a larger definition, with assertiveness being “an interpersonal approach to relating with others.”
The main takeaway here is that assertives can develop win-win relationships
better than anyone else can, in part because they come across as high-value
individuals. Assertives are perceived as having a well-developed strength of
character. That type of character is valuable in itself, as it’s a “deeper layer”
quality that’s a valuable social currency. Plus, assertives are more likely to
acquire even more value in the future, so people want to associate with them.
Being “assertive” and being “high-value” overlap. Many people who master
assertion tend to come across as more confident, higher-value, and as generally
more driven individuals with the strength of character to get things done.29
Now, as much as assertiveness has its benefits, there is also a time and place
to strategically use the other communication styles, as you saw from my story
with April. The time to use the other communication styles is when the pros
of using those styles outweigh the cons.
That’s why being assertive and being high-value are so closely intertwined. A
person’s value is determined by more than the value they currently have, but
also by their potential to acquire more value in the future.
These moments are the exceptions, but for a true social strategist, they’re
essential to know.
29
Lucio Buffalmano, “How to Be Assertive,” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021,
https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/assertiveness/topic/
how-to-be-assertive/#Assertive.
34 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
35
T H E P R O S , C O N S , A N D S T R AT E G I E S O F PA S S I V E N E S S
These are the strategic uses for being passive:30
1. To stay alive
This is the most obvious one.
The main reason why submission and passive communication evolved in the
first place is because they saved lives.
And, even today, in certain situations, it pays to keep a low profile, do as you’re
told, and, if needed, display submissive signals in order to stay alive.
Of course, we’d never recommend spending a life submitting to others and
always doing as you’re told when it holds you back from flourishing. This is
not the book for those who only want to “survive.” That said, submission can
still be an impalatable, yet effective temporary solution until you gain enough
power to stand up for yourself and/or walk away.
2. To save your time and energy
Letting someone else lead you and/or your group can save you time and
resources.
Taking the lead can be a hustle, and since it’s not very often that you can make
everybody happy, you have to deal with the usual complainers who express
dissatisfaction about this or that.
Plus, once you become the leader, you also take on responsibility, and you
can’t always just freely bail.
That’s why, depending on the situation, Lucio sometimes likes to sit back in
groups, let someone else take the helm, and act more as a “facilitator,” advisor,
or second-third in command (up until he doesn’t want to follow along anymore and simply exits).
Generally speaking, being near the top of the pecking order gives you almost
the same power as the leader, with a lot more freedom.
3. To finish first and win at dating as a woman
Some people might not like hearing this, but in dating, female submission
tends to arouse more male interest than female assertiveness.
Women who can selectively send out submissive signals get more men chasing
them for a short-term relationship, as well as more long-term providers to
choose from.
4. To approach risk-averse women in high-risk settings as a man
Imagine a woman is walking in a dimly lit street at night, or she’s waiting for
a night bus around lots of drunk guys. Or, she’s looking for her car in a rundown parking lot.
In any of these cases, a smart man will make sure to send out strong and obvious friendly signals. Friendly signals overlap with submissiveness, since they
say, “I’m not here to dominate you. I’m a friendly guy.”
Going in too dominantly or aggressively can make her recoil in fear, and he’d
start off on the wrong foot. So, it’s better to go in very friendly, and, once
she knows it’s all good, you can switch gears and get back to your usual highpower self (we’ll talk more about being high-power in the next chapter).
The same holds true for men who look more “dangerous,” or imposing, either
because of their physical size or because of how they look.
5. To rebalance your relationship after you’ve wronged someone
When you’ve wronged or hurt someone, you’ve taken value from them.
30
Lucio Buffalmano, “Passive/Submissive. Pros, Cons & Strategies,” The Power Moves, June
16, 2021, https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/assertiveness/
topic/passive-submissive-pros-cons-strategies/#The_Strategic_Uses_Of_Submission.
36 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
37
You’re in a win-lose exchange where you “won” because you demonstrated
you have the power to hurt the other party while they lost because they were
disempowered and suffered from your actions.
Since a fundamental part of successfully negotiating for relationships is making sure your relationships are balanced, it’s sometimes a good idea to not only
say sorry but to “make them whole” again and re-empower them.
Since words are cheap, one way of doing that is to willingly grant them the
power to do something value-taking to you. That will balance out the previous
win-lose situation in which you took value from them.
David J. Lieberman, award-winning author and leader in the fields of human
behavior and interpersonal relationships, correctly points out that if you hurt
someone, a “sorry” might not be enough. Lieberman says that the quickest—
and the deepest—way to mend the relationship is to give them the power to
punish you instead (since you’ve already shown your power to punish them).
6. To help you avoid punishment when you’re out of options
This is a more strategic subset of the “submission to save lives” approach.
In some cases, a (sneaky) way of avoiding punishment is by strategically playing the role of an incompetent, clueless idiot.
This can be most useful when you have no leverage whatsoever and the costs
of the punishments would be huge (if the costs are not huge, you can just take
it in stride).
Here’s an example from Lucio.
A friend of mine got a call from the finance office for tax return misrepresentation, a potential criminal offense if prosecuted. My friend
had (stupidly) “tried his hand,” and he knew he was guilty.
While some advised him to contact a lawyer, my friend showed up
in the office with broken local language, saying it was the first time
Of course, we’re not talking about anything crazy here. You’re not handing
them a loaded gun and saying “shoot,” but the concept of giving them power
over you still holds.
he had tried to file his own tax returns, which was true, and playing
the “sorry I messed this up” role.
He then asked, “OK, what should I do now?” Asking “what should I
For example, you can give them power back by accompanying your big heartfelt “sorry” with a lowering of your head and asking them if they can forgive you.
do now” is asking the officer to take the lead in directing his behavior, which is submitting to his power and authority.
The tax officer admonished him to be careful because that mistake
That gives them the power to decide whether you get forgiveness or not. That
power position of choosing whether or not to forgive you can be enough to
rebalance the relationship.
You can even let them get angry at you without defending or asserting yourself
while telling them “you’re right.”
If you pull this move well, many people won’t even want to get angry or
punish you—and it’s a great test to assess their character, by the way. Giving
people power back is the behavior of someone with good character, and people
like having other people with good character in their lives.
could be a criminal offense. My friend acted with restrained shock
and muttered it was probably the last time he would file his own
tax returns (a nice move). Then they fixed the mistake together, the
tax officer explaining in the teacher role and my friend playing the
ignorant student (a subservient position).
The result? He got away scot-free.
Now, I don’t necessarily recommend you try to use submissive
behavior to break the law or to avoid punishment, but this is an
example of how submission most likely worked better than any of
the more dominant alternatives.
38 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
39
If my friend had shown up with an attitude (or with a lawyer),
chances are that the situation would have escalated.
When attacking and guilt-tripping alternate in waves, we’re sometimes in
codependent relationships. These are poor and toxic relationships, so we don’t
recommend you adopt any similar tactics for long-term relationships.
7. To appease someone
Back to us. This is similar to the above two points. Submissive body language
gives away power, and, sometimes, you might want exactly that.
Why so? Because people feel good about getting that power.
It can be a great strategy to give power to someone who already has power over
you, since you’re not actually losing anything, but you’re improving your odds
by making them feel good.
In short, submitting to someone who already has total power over you can
sometimes improve your situation. After all, they already can do anything they
want to you, so trying to make them feel good may be your only strategy to
improve your lot.
I know, it’s not our favorite strategy here, but it can work.
For example, imagine you messed up big time or you harmed someone, and
now you’re in a court of law.
If you maintain a dominant pose, you’d be showing an unrepentant attitude,
and judges always go down harder on unrepentant convicts.
9. To signal appreciation or respect
Some cultures use submissive body language as a “thank you” or a sign of
appreciation.
If someone holds the door open for you or gives you directions to go somewhere, you can say “thank you” and bow your head slightly.
In a different context, bowing could be a sign of submission, but a slight bow
as a “thank you” can simply be a symbol of a polite and prosocial attitude.
10. To keep the support coming
Signs of deference are, in good part, signs of submission.
Signs of deference, such as the bowing we mentioned above, make people feel
good because they sub-communicate, “You have power and high status, and I
acknowledge and respect that.”
That makes people feel valued and powerful around you, which in turn often
makes them willing to help you and support you.
When do you use this approach? Well, for example, with a high-power mentor.
8. To use as a tool of control
Yes, submission can also be a tool of control.
Pleading, begging, guilt-tripping, pouting, crying…They are all submissive
expressions that can work wonders to make people act the way the “submissive” manipulator wants.
It would be wrong to think that the aggressive party always controls a
relationship.
When you’re a beginner with a mentor who is very high up, carrying a dominant attitude with them can be off-putting. But, showing submissiveness
with deference and friendly signals—and even with allowing them to take a
full teacher role over you—makes them feel more comfortable and valued as
your mentor.
So, there are strategic uses for submission. Still though, the rule of thumb is
that you want to avoid sending too many submission signals unless you are
doing it on purpose and for a specific purpose.
Sometimes the passive type controls the aggressive one with guilt-tripping and
an attitude of “look what you did to poor me.”
40 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
41
Generally speaking, submissiveness is always poor when it’s not a strategic
choice but the consequence of a lack of capability to defend one’s needs
and rights.
Well, she won’t stop yelling, so assertiveness is clearly not working at that
point. If you want to put a stop to it, matching aggression with aggression
often proves a far better alternative.
In short, submission is bad when you do it because you lack the capability for
assertion. That makes you come across as low-value and weak, and people can
hardly see a relationship with a low-value, weak individual as a win-win.
Notice that it’s not about showing aggression, per se. It’s more that by matching your attacker’s level of aggression, you communicate that you are not a
submissive punching bag who’s incapable of defending themselves and drawing their boundaries.
So, your main takeaway here is that, overall, when you’re overly submissive,
the “advantages” (the pros) of a submissive life pale in comparison to the disadvantages (the cons).
T H E P R O S , C O N S , A N D S T R AT E G I E S O F A G G R E S S I O N
When you can show that you’re not weak, you also show that you’re worthy of
fair treatment and respectful communication.
2. To instill fear
Let’s move beyond the yin of submissiveness and more toward the yang—
aggression.
Assertiveness gives you respect, but not so much fear. It’s aggression that can
make people fear you.
Most people know that being aggressive often leads to social isolation, but
exceptions do apply. As we said before, there are strategic cases where the pros
of using aggression outweigh the cons.
Attention though: getting people to fear you doesn’t necessarily show them
you’re high-value, and, even less, it doesn’t show you have the best character
(which also impacts your overall value). Crazy individuals and homeless people often stir up fears in others, but that fear only serves to keep them isolated
and at the bottom of society.
For example:
1. To deal with other people’s aggression
Remaining assertive in response to a continuous onslaught of aggression won’t
always work. Furthermore, it can make you seem weak.
In that case, meeting aggression with aggression can help stop the aggression
by using something called the “pacing and leading technique.” First, you meet
them at their level (which is pacing) by showing them that you can play the
aggression game too. Then, you move to a healthier, more respectful, and
more productive tone (which is leading them to join you in this new level
of conversation).
Imagine your girlfriend yells at you for ten minutes straight, in spite of you
assertively telling her you feel demeaned, that she’s being rude, and that you
won’t listen until she speaks to you respectfully.
42 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
Power University shows that this is a technique some people use in the workplace. These “difficult” folks are rude and aggressive in order to acquire some
scrap of independence and to be left alone, but they are also often left alone at
the bottom of the hierarchy. You don’t want to be one of them.
As psychologist and author, Randy Paterson, says:
“(People) may make fewer demands, though
they will also make fewer pleasant invitations,
and if you were more assertive, you could deal
with their unpleasant demands confidently.”
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
43
3. To use as a weapon of last resort
If you tried everything and failed, but you still want to give it a last shot, going
from assertive to aggressive might help you reach your goal, in some cases.
Even if you still fail, at the very least, you can say that you tried all your
options.
4. To win arguments by steamrolling
Dominance can push people into submitting, conceding, or defending.
It consists of bursts of aggression followed by communication that’s lower on
the “aggression scale” such as assertiveness or even kinder behavior. It serves to
assert dominance without completely breaking rapport—and, it might even
increase rapport, in some cases.
Experienced or manipulative negotiators can use bursts of aggression to (subtly) dominate their opponents. When their opponents feel dominated, they
are more likely to submit to the aggressor.
Obviously, we don’t recommend this technique as your go-to approach because
of the moral and ethical concerns.
Keep this in mind because it’s important:
When people stop arguing back and/or when they start defending, they can
often look wrong or guilty by behavior rather than by logic and facts.
Donald Trump won the 2016 U.S. presidency in good part thanks to this
technique. The 2016 presidential debates present many examples in which
Trump’s aggression allowed him to curtail Clinton’s speaking time and push
her on the defensive.
From a political point of view, it looked like Trump was the embodiment of
the angry citizen grilling an ineffective, crooked politician.
Unfortunately for Clinton, her failure to defend her speaking time made her
look powerless (and people don’t want powerless leaders). Her justifications
throughout their debates also served to confirm the impression that she was
“guilty” for being a fat-cat, useless politician.
6. To more quickly regain power and respect with an aggressive display
of force
If people have, for a long time, treated you like a low-value individual, it
might take a long time of showing assertive behavior before you can gain
their respect.
In those cases, a stronger display of power through bursts of controlled aggression can win you the respect and fair treatment that you deserve more quickly.
7. To use as a shortcut for status
This is somewhat similar to the point above. Generally speaking, aggression
can be helpful in acquiring status in more specific and limited environments,
such as prisons and gangs.
Keep in mind, however, that it’s often best to balance your dominance with
friendliness (you’ll learn more about strategic friendliness in the next chapter).
Even there, though, aggression should still be limited and targeted. Constant
aggression makes you a loose cannon with little support, and friends and allies
matter a lot in those environments.
5. In bursts, to show dominance and control the situation without breaking rapport
8. To succeed in a sport that rewards it
The Power Moves (TPM) calls this dominance technique the “aggressive
push-pull.”
44 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
In some sports, a lot of channeled aggression can help make up for a lack
of talent.
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
45
Even here though, we must add a caveat. The aggression that makes you great
at sports is not violent aggression. That will get you kicked out pretty quickly,
leaving your team one player down.
To start, you need to know what assertion entails. Assertion includes:
•
It’s more of a constant, controlled anger simmering beneath the surface, channeled into doing anything possible to win.
–
–
9. To provide good feelings
–
Aggression can make you feel strong. And, it can make you feel good for exacting revenge on someone who slighted you in the past.
–
But, if you are only being aggressive because it makes you feel strong, you
probably need to change mindsets. That type of aggression might make you
feel powerful inside, but it is actually making you look weak in reality.
There are times and places for aggression, but don’t confuse aggression with
power. If there is one thing the vast majority of the authors on this subject
agree on, it’s that aggression ultimately hurts how others view you in the long
run. That’s not good for our goals of a successful and happy life.
Generally speaking, aggression breeds more aggression. And that, among a
slew of other issues, creates a lot of enemies.
So, as a rule of thumb—and this is especially true in our modern world—constant aggression erodes your ability to get what you want in life.
Your takeaway here should be that while submission and aggressiveness have
potential benefits, neither should be used all the time. The truth is, assertiveness is the best choice for social effectiveness. It has the highest chance of making friends, winning allies, and recruiting mentors into your life.
Assertive people also come across as more confident, more powerful, and as
productive go-getters driven to get things done. As a result, assertive people
are perceived as being high-value individuals.
With the strategic exceptions of when to use the other communication styles
out of the way, here’s how to be assertive.
46 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
Boundaries: Having, maintaining, and enforcing personal boundaries of:
•
•
•
Basic Respect: Expecting and demanding respectful behavior
Privacy: Declining to answer or discuss questions and topics
you’re not comfortable with
Time: Choosing what to do and when to do things, rejecting
tasks you have no time for
Personal Freedoms: Maintaining freedom of choice, of holding different opinions, and so on
Timely and honest communication: Includes the communication of
wants, needs, emotions, feelings, goals, and boundaries
Expecting and encouraging honest and direct communication
Standing behind one’s choices, opinions, and feelings
To develop the ability to be assertive enough to hit these major points, you
need to start where all behavior starts…in the mind.
OVERCOMING LIMITING BELIEFS
Some beliefs that might be holding you back from reaching assertiveness
include:31
1. “Dark” feelings such as anger and a will to power are bad to feel and show.
When people hold this belief, they deny their anger, disappointment, or
resentment with words but then act them out—perhaps subconsciously—
with actions and body language. That makes them come across as hypocrites.
31
Lucio Buffalmano, “How to Be Assertive,” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021,
https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/assertiveness/topic/
how-to-be-assertive/#Overcoming_poor_beliefs.
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
47
2. Assertiveness means getting your own way all the time.
7. I would have to convince others to agree with me.
No, that’s aggression. Assertiveness is meant to put you on an equal footing
with other people.
When you hold this belief, you either never start sharing your opinion, or you
get angry when you cannot change other people’s minds.
3. Being assertive means being selfish.
You can always seek to persuade others, but you never “have” to.
No, being assertive means being fair and high-value.
Again, this goes back to basic mindsets and beliefs.32
4. Other people can’t handle my assertiveness.
8. I must look good, strong, and happy all the time.
That’s actually demeaning to think of others as weak.
This belief leads to all kinds of games to “conceal” your emotions in order to
look better to others.
A better belief is, “Many people, especially other people with good character,
actually love to deal with someone who is frank and honest.”
If someone finds your assertiveness to be “too much,” you can still always
recalibrate and reduce the intensity with them later on.
5. People should be more considerate without me having to act assertively.
“Shoulds” are usually weak positions to be in.
What does it change to think about what someone should or should not do?
Act based on what they actually do and based on what you want.
When you hold this belief, you either won’t speak up because they “should”
know, or you will yell at them because they “should” know better and you feel
like you have to set them straight.
Some women hold back their anger because it’s not feminine, and many men
feel it’s not OK to cry, to admit their personal struggles, or to request help
(especially emotional help). So, they deny their true feelings and unproductively use aggression or hidden forms of aggression to meet their needs.
This is a warning. We’re not saying to “parade your weaknesses,” wallow in
self-pity, or “always be vulnerable.” We’re saying that you might gain more
from being more open with others, and especially from being more open with
yourself. Then, knowing what, when, and how to show your feelings becomes
a more strategic decision, but it must start with that honest self-awareness.
BELIEFS OF ASSERTIVENESS
Now, these are the positive beliefs you want to install:33
6. I’m afraid of being assertive and failing.
1. I am worthy of respectful behavior and communication, and so are others.
You will fail. And that’s great.
If you’re not treated respectfully, you have the right to speak up or take action.
A fear of failure is associated with a belief you can’t improve and is a textbook
trait of fragile egos.
32
Instead, choose to believe that your failures are your best opportunities to
learn and grow into the kind of person who can achieve the success they want.
33
48 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) helps with this one. You can get a free,
in-depth guide on what it is and how to apply it at The Power Moves website: https://
thepowermoves.com/how-to-stubbornly-refuse-to-make-yourself-miserable/.
Lucio Buffalmano, “How to Be Assertive,” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021,
https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/assertiveness/topic/
how-to-be-assertive/#Beliefs_of_assertiveness.
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
49
2. I’m in charge of my behavior, and others are in charge of theirs.
8. I can ask for help or emotional support.
This is the central belief of assertiveness. It takes the pressure off of assertive
communication because you’re not forcing anyone into anything; you’re simply stating your position.
This is about the “emotional assertiveness” men tend to struggle the most with.
3. I decide for myself what I will and will not do.
A core foundation for assertiveness is refusing to let others impose their feelings and beliefs onto you of what you should and should not do.
4. People can ask me whatever they want, and I can decline whatever
they ask because this is my life.
Attention: If you feel guilty for declining someone’s request, you either don’t
fully believe you’re free to decline requests or you need to learn how to do it
more considerately and/or strategically (more on that later).
5. I make mistakes, but that doesn’t give others the right to control my life.
This is a common pitfall for many. Some people can be assertive but turn
passive when they make a mistake. It’s because they feel that a mistake makes
them “not good enough,” and that gives others the right to treat them poorly.
9. I am not responsible for other people’s problems.
This protects you against emotional manipulation (it’s especially effective
against guilt-tripping).
10. Others can give me advice, but they don’t make my decisions.
You can accept feedback and advice from others, even when it’s negative. But,
ultimately, you make your own decisions.
11. I am my own judge; I don’t have to justify myself to others.
Aggressive communicators will often try to make you justify or defend yourself with phrases like, “Why did you do it that way?” or “What makes you
even think that?!”
The implication of these questions is that if you cannot come up with a good
enough reason (or justification), then you must concede to them, admit you’re
wrong, apologize, and go along with their wishes.
Instead, believe that making mistakes is normal, is a part of life, and, bar
nuclear-level mistakes, doesn’t give anyone the right to demean you.
If you miss this sub-communicated message, you automatically appoint
them as the judge of your actions and thoughts, and you give all of your freedom away.
6. I can be illogical with my boundaries.
Luckily, now you know better.
Manipulators and bullies love to make it look like you’re being “illogical” or
“irrational.” As long as you believe that you must be logical to enforce your
boundaries and decisions, they will find fertile ground.
The stance of the empowered, assertive social strategist is that, as long as you
remain within the law and your own moral code, you are free to do and say as
you please, and you don’t need to justify your actions.
Instead, avoid the argument altogether. Your boundaries are valid for the simple fact that you chose them.
Moving on from the beliefs and more towards the actual techniques, let’s talk
about assertive communication itself.
7. I don’t know everything, nor should I.
This frees you from having to have an answer or a reason for everything you do.
50 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
51
A S S E R T I V E C O M M U N I C AT I O N
An infographic overview:
So, the first assertiveness framework you can use to communicate while hitting all three of these communication points is the “DESOE” framework
(pronounced “dee·so”).
The goal of “DESOE” is to share your view of the situation, state your opinion, make your request, state the outcome, and reinforce as needed.
DESOE stands for:
D (Describe): Define the situation and what’s going on.
For example, saying, “I noticed that the kitchen hasn’t been cleaned,” or “It’s
me who takes out the trash most of the time.”
If you are describing someone else’s behavior, focus on the behavior, and
avoid personality and motives. Personality and motivation are open to debate,
but, behavior is fact-based, which puts you in a stronger position to hold
your views.
Non behavior-based frames like “you’re lazy and didn’t clean the kitchen” or
“you are trying to make me do all the work here” can escalate and sidetrack the
conversation away from your goals.
E (Express): State how you feel in the situation.
As you can see from the infographic, while the passive communicators avoid
communication, assertive individuals speak up. But, unlike aggressive communicators, they make sure to speak in a way that is both self-respecting and
respectful of others.
They speak:
1. Early: To avoid “stewing”
2. Directly: Clearly stating their needs and want
3. Respectfully: With consideration for others
52 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
For example, “I feel like I’m doing more than half of the housework
around here.”
This can feel like an understatement if you think they’re a leech, but you usually get better results with this approach.
As a side note, be careful with overusing this “I feel” format in high-efficiency
environments such as workplaces, where results can take precedence over
human relationships. Generally speaking, “I feel” is better used with friends,
family, and close personal relationships.
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
53
S (Specify): Describe what you would like to happen.
For example, “I would like you to also take the trash out a couple of times a
week or whenever you see it’s full and are on your way out.”
When you ask for changes to happen, focus on the behavior you’d like to see.
Avoid telling people how they should become or how they should feel.
Especially poor from a persuasion point of view are sentences like “stop being
so stubborn.” One, because they attack the person, and two, because they use
a negative sentence structure.
Negative sentence structure focuses more on what you don’t want. Positive
sentence structure focuses more on what you do want. Always do your best to
use positive sentence structure.
Rare exceptions apply, for example, if you willingly want to jolt someone.
But, the general rule is that the more positive your communication is, the
more positive your outcome will likely be. And, to address specific behavior,
“I would like you to take out the trash two times a week” is better than “I don’t
want you to be so inconsiderate.”
O (Outcome): Describe what happens if they go along with your wishes and,
potentially, what happens if they don’t.
For example, “I’ll appreciate that a lot, and I think we’ll get along much better.”
The outcomes can be rewards or consequences for not following through with
your request.
But, as in the example above, it can also be simple statements about you feeling better or the relationship improving.
Same as before, do your best to frame the outcomes positively. Even if you
want to add a negative consequence, instead of saying, “If you don’t throw
the trash out, I won’t do my part of the cleaning,” say, “And, once you start
contributing by taking the trash out, I’ll also be more motivated to do my part
more thoroughly. It’s a win-win.”
54 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
While the threat implies that chances are high you will not help them with the
trash, the positive sentence structure implies that they will soon start contributing with the trash and ends with a much better win-win.
Big difference.
E (Enforce): Enforce your boundaries as needed.
Enforcement is what you do when you want or need to push someone.
For example, “Mark, I don’t intend to enter into a verbal race with you about
who’s thrown out what in the past. I am concerned about finding an agreement for the future. And, I am asking if you can please throw it out more often
from now on.”
Enforcement is what you will also use when defending your boundaries against
pushy folks.
It can mean repeating the same message over and over, refusing to budge,
walking away, or escalating.
As a shorter format for quick personal feedback, I condense the DESOE assertive communication framework into only three parts. I coined it the “ESE”
framework (pronounced “easy”):
1. Express: State how you feel in the situation.
2. Specify: Describe what you would like to happen.
3. Enforce: Enforce your boundaries as needed.
The template is, “I’d appreciate it if you,” and then insert the behavior you’d
like to see from that person from now on.
So, continuing from the housework example, that could look like saying, “I’d
appreciate it if you took out the trash whenever you see it’s full and are on
your way out.”
The “I’d appreciate” is expressing your feelings. And, the rest specifies the
behavior you’d like to see moving forward. And, finally, if it comes to it, you
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
55
can enforce your boundaries accordingly such as with the example from the
DESOE framework above.
A quick caveat though…avoid over using these frameworks. DESOE and
ESE are not supposed to become your standard format for every sentence or
request you utter. Instead, it’s best used when:
•
•
•
•
•
You need to communicate something difficult
Something in what you say may be misconstrued, so you want to
make sure you’re being clear
You’re dealing with difficult people
You expect a pushback
You’re in a more formal setting where precise communication gives
you an advantage
So, if you practice these frameworks when they’re appropriate (and, as you
get more practice and experience, you’ll gradually learn when it’s needed and
when it’s not), you’ll start to be perceived as a more confident, high-value
individual worthy of fair treatment and respectful communication. And that’s
the kind of person others want to build a relationship with.
To fully recap this chapter, here are the main takeaways.
•
•
•
•
•
•
By being more assertive, you can be perceived as higher-value.
Assertiveness isn’t always the best communication style for every
situation, including for making friends, winning allies, and recruiting mentors.
There are cases when either submission or aggression might better
serve your goals. However, those are exceptions.
Assertive people also come across as more confident, more powerful,
and as productive go-getters driven to get things done.
If you’re assertive, people are more likely to see a relationship with you
as a win-win and, hence, more likely to pursue one.
If you want to be more assertive, use the DESOE framework and ESE
framework to draw your boundaries whenever necessary.
Here are your action steps.34
Action Steps:
#1. Acquire beliefs that encourage your assertiveness.
Actions follow beliefs and emotional states, so work on your beliefs first
and foremost.
Read the foundational beliefs of assertiveness as often as you need, ponder
them over, and write them out.
Then, use your actions to internalize them.
For example, whenever you practice communicating assertively, remind yourself of how the positive beliefs of assertiveness you learned in this chapter
underpin your positive behavior.
The more you repeat this process, the more you’ll start to believe those
mindsets.
#2. Acquire personal values that encourage good character.
Personal values typically held by people with good character (which are also
people often seen as high-quality for their character) include:
•
•
•
And for the busy folks:
•
34
56 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
I tell the truth, and I expect to be told the truth in return.
I don’t take advantage of others, and I don’t let others take advantage
of me.
I seek to add value to others, and I expect others to have the same
attitude.
I respect other people’s time, and I expect others to respect my time.
You can get a free, in-depth guide to the best communication skills resources at The
Power Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/best-communication-skills-books/.
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
57
These are all personal values that almost automatically move you towards a
more assertive stance in life.
#3. Know yourself and what you want.
Know what you want to achieve.
When you know what you want to say “yes” to, you also know what you need
to say “no” to. The more convinced you are about your goals, the easier it is
to say “no.”
Remember, you can find the techniques for effective assertiveness in the
“Assertive Communication” section of this book at any time.
DO THIS:
•
•
•
Know what you like and enjoy.
•
Identify and define your values. What are you comfortable and uncomfortable
doing based on the values you hold?
•
Voice your concerns: When something feels off, speak up.
Ask questions: When you’re not sure, don’t take hints from the
silent crowd.
Have the courage to be a contrarian: If you have unpopular opinions, say it. (This can be especially useful if you never rebelled in
your teens.)
Do something assertive that scares you: Ask for a pay raise or have
that difficult conversation.
Rinse, and repeat.
#4. Learn and adopt assertive communication techniques.
You’re doing it with this chapter and book.
#5.2. Stick through the changes.
We also recommend you keep a journal and record your interactions as well
as what you think you could’ve done better in them. These reflections will
develop your assertiveness skills faster.
People get used to a certain baseline behavior.
#4.2. Learn and adopt assertive body language.
While you’re at it, include assertive vocal tonality as well.
For starters though, develop a habit of keeping your posture straight, adopting open body language, and avoiding any behaviors that could be viewed
as a possible sign of nervousness (such as anxiously scratching the back of
your neck).
#5. Push yourself to apply the assertive communication techniques.
If you’ve always been passive and then suddenly start being assertive, they
might over-interpret your newfound resolve. In other words, they might overreact negatively to your new assertiveness because it will seem to be coming
out of nowhere (plus, some people want you to remain passive because it’s
good for them).
Similarly, if you’ve always been aggressive and are now being assertive, people
who are used to your aggression might feel like you’re not really one-hundred
percent behind what you say now.
But it’s them who has to readapt, not you. You’re upgrading yourself, so stay
the course.
It’s as simple as that.
58 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
59
#5.3. Consider starting with one person or environment at a time.
Going from passive to assertive will change some relationships and create some
pushback. That change can be overwhelming, so a good approach is to change
one relationship at a time.
If you’re really struggling, start with the easiest relationship—the one you
know you’d feel the most comfortable going assertive in. Then, strong on the
initial success, let the domino effect carry you to assertive victory.
#6. Reward yourself for being more assertive.
CHAPTER 3
HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE
OF COOL FRIENDS, ALLIES,
AND MENTORS AT WILL
The best way to make your new assertiveness stick is to take pride in being
more assertive.
Every time you act more assertively, self-congratulate yourself. Emotionally
reward yourself with pride for going for it and giving it your best effort
(regardless of how the outcome turned out). You’re upgrading your life and
also contributing to a better world.
Taking everything you learned in this chapter a step further, in the next chapter, we’ll dig deeper into how to be the person everyone wants to be around by
sharing a simple, straightforward concept that very few people know about.
It’s all based on solid research in the social sciences.
You’ll discover the tested and proven reasons why some people are popular
while others are outcasts. You’ll also gain science-backed insights as to how
you can become the type of person who can build a social circle of cool
friends, allies, and mentors at will—using one simple framework for measuring your progress.
In the last chapter, you learned about assertiveness, what it is, when to use
it, and how to use it. You also learned that people who master assertion tend
to come across as more confident, high-value, and generally good-character
individuals who get things done. They are the exact kinds of people most
would want a personal or professional relationship with because they’d see it
as a win-win. (And, as we’ve said before, in your negotiations for relationships
in life, you always want to aim for win-win.)
As always, make sure to finish the last chapter’s action steps before moving
on to this chapter. You may be struggling at this point, particularly if these
advanced social skills are completely new to you. But, keep at it and do your
homework. Learning how people and power truly work is a necessity if you
want to succeed in life, and Chapter Two is an absolute must to develop the
character traits and qualities people look for.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed right now, take a break and then come back.
But, whatever you do, don’t neglect the action steps. Each chapter in this
book (which the action steps are based off of ) is a pot of gold. It’s up to you
to start mining.
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61
“You can have everything in life you want if you will just
help enough other people get what they want.”
—Zig Ziglar
What other people want is to be around people who are both powerful and
friendly. If you can be that for them, they can be what you need in return.
In the first chapter, we talked about the importance and perks of being a highvalue individual. Since being high-value means you have an abundance of
value to give, many people seek out high-value individuals for relationships.
Being a high-value individual is similar to being a “high-power” individual—
which is someone who has an abundance of power (not too different from the
high-value individual definition).
Since value is something that makes or has the potential to make your life
better, if you have an abundance of value, then it’s implied you can use that
abundance of value to make your own life better by using it to reach your own
goals. That makes you a high-power individual, because power is simply the
measure to which an individual can achieve what they want.
The very same value that causes others to seek you out because you can give
it to them is also often value you can give to yourself to make your own life
better and achieve your own goals. That’s why high-value individuals are often
perceived and regarded as high-power individuals almost automatically (so
long as they’re not being submissive).
So, while the two terms are different, for right now, you can think of being
high-value and being high-power as synonyms. Like most synonyms, they’re
not quite interchangeable, but they’re similar enough. You want to position
yourself as high-power to win more of your negotiations for relationships
in life.
Being high-power shares similar dynamics and approaches as being high-value.
In this case, more than avoiding presenting yourself to others as low-value,
62 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
you want to avoid presenting yourself to them as low-power—or, in simpler
terms, as “weak.”
In my bestselling book, The Clever Connector, I share a story about starting
out life as a “nice guy.” Back then, I was so far on the passive side, people took
advantage of me and, at one point, left me isolated in my greatest time of need.
After that experience, I fell to the opposite side of the spectrum, going from
passive all the way to being aggressive out of the anger I felt from the betrayal
and loss of my friends and family. Unfortunately, that aggressive behavior only
left me more isolated.
I was young at the time and inexperienced. The values I was raised with led
to my nice guy behavior, and, a near-death experience in isolation was what
shocked me out of those beliefs and pushed me to the edge.
In being on both sides of the line, I was able to see firsthand how relationships
work based on one’s level of friendly behavior compared to their dominant
behavior. I was able to eventually learn to balance being dominant (which is
viewed as high-power behavior) with being friendly and warm (which, as we
said in the assertiveness chapter, can be viewed as being submissive).
I turned the harsh struggles to survive into fuel to find power and purpose.
I was able to pursue a path of doing my best, and now I want to make sure
no one ever has to experience the pain I felt back when I didn’t know what I
know now.35
My number one goal for this book as I write it alongside Lucio is to help others build relationships with the people who can make their lives better. I want
to share how to build a social circle of cool friends, allies, and mentors at will.
And, the number one tool I can give you to manage and navigate your relationships better than I ever did at the very start of my journey is this: leverage
the stereotype content model.
35
You can get more information about Ali’s inspiring life’s story in his free chapter
giveaway of The Clever Connector Second Edition: https://thecleverconnector.com/
all-guides/.
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63
The stereotype content model is a framework suggesting that groups and individuals assess each other along two dimensions:36
•
•
Power: How powerful is he?
Warmth: Is he a friend or foe?
The original research refers to “competence” instead of power.37 But since
“competence” was defined as “the capacity to enact one’s intentions,” we’re
basically talking about power.
The two axes in the model form four quadrants. See it here with examples for
politics, work, and relationships (in that order).
More often than not, we tend to see people with one trait or the other—
they’re either warm or powerful. Very rarely do we see people who are both.
That’s good news for you. It means that when you become one, you will stand
out the most. That’s how you’ll truly position yourself as the popular person
everyone wants to be around.
Now, let’s dive deeper into Lucio’s work for the details of each quadrant, what
they mean for you, and how you can strategically leverage them to raise your
status to get more out of life.
Quadrant #1: Low Power and High Warmth (The “Too Nice Guy”)
Included in this category are:
•
•
•
The panhandler you take a pity on
In cases of men, the provider who is dominated or controlled by a woman
In cases of women, the housewife who always says “yes” to her man
no matter how she feels
People might “like” you, but nobody respects you. Many men are in this
quadrant.
Emotion they arouse: Pity
Behavior: Passive facilitation (and sometimes passive harm)
This quadrant says: “I’m friendly and naive. I’m easy to manipulate and take
advantage of.”
Quadrant #2: Low Power and Low Warmth (The “Frustrated Chump”)
Included in this category are:
36
37
“Stereotype Content Model,” Wikipedia (Wikimedia Foundation, November 10,
2011), https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stereotype_content_model.
Susan T. Fiske et al., “A Model of (Often Mixed) Stereotype Content: Competence
and Warmth Respectively Follow from Perceived Status and Competition,” Journal
of Personality and Social Psychology 82, no. 6 (2002): pp. 878–902, https://doi.
org/10.1037/0022-3514.82.6.878.
64 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
•
•
•
•
The angry obese man
The old grumpy woman yelling at her neighbor
Jealous frenemies
Average, frustrated people
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65
People placed in the low-power and low-warmth category are folks such as
homeless and welfare recipients. These groups are seen by many as leeching off
of society without giving anything back. They take and give nothing (which is
low warmth because it’s unfriendly), but they also take and have little (which
is low power because they have a low ability to get what they want in life).
As we said before, you’ll position yourself as the popular person everyone
wants to be around if you reach this high-power, high-warmth quadrant.
Emotion they arouse: Contempt
Emotion they arouse: Admiration
Behavior: Active harm
Behavior: Active facilitation
This quadrant says: “I’m unhappy with my life and take my frustration out on
the people around.”
This quadrant says: “I’m powerful, and I’m happy if you also join me here at
the top.”
Quadrant #3: High Power and Low Warmth (The “Ruthless Prince”)
Now, the high-power, high-warmth quadrant is clearly the optimal choice for
the vast majority of social situations.
Included in this category are:
•
•
•
Famous and unapproachable VIPs
Powerful and cruel dictators
Manipulative and self-serving bosses
In everyday life, this is the quadrant for the disliked, yet powerful assholes of
the world. You can do better than this.
Emotion they arouse: Envy
Behavior: Passive harm
This quadrant says: “I’m powerful because I’m better than you, so stay away.”
Quadrant #4: High Power and High Warmth (The “High-Quality Leader”)
Included in this category are:
•
•
•
•
The famous VIP who takes time to shake hands and sign autographs
The beloved and admired founder
The champion who starts a gym in his hood
Leaders that people like, admire, and respect
66 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
Liberal leaders tend to be seen as high warmth and high power. Obama tried
to be here and partially succeeded, but Bill Clinton is a great example. No
matter your political affiliation, this is a man people wanted to be around.
But, once again, there are exceptions, as with anything. So, let’s take a look at
when you can use the other quadrants strategically:
Quadrant #1: Low Power and High Warmth
High warmth mixed with low power has some uses. It works for “testing purposes” such as:
1. Testing people: Will they take advantage of your friendliness?
As Jesus said, ”Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.” Pretend to be one of the least of those brothers,
and see if they take advantage of it.
Another technique is to give without asking for anything back. Will they give
back when left to their own devices, or not? If they don’t, they might not be
the right people to associate with because they might not believe in win-win.
2. Seducing men
This quadrant works great for women to send signals of “exploitability,” which
are attractive to men.
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Quadrant #2: Low Power and Low Warmth
Instilling fear is a dangerous strategy, though.
There are not many instances in which low-warmth, low-power behavior can
come in handy.
There are three crucial aspects to make it work:
1. You must build up your reputation before the action even starts.
People need to know in advance that any machinations or rebellion
against you will be brutally put down.
Two of those instances are:
1. When you want to be left alone: Pretend you know nothing and act
bad-tempered, and people will avoid you.
2. When you want to test people: Pretend you’re harmless and somewhat
annoying, and see how they react.
When people know that as soon as they get into the street, they’ll get
shot, chances are that nobody will want to make the first move.
2. You must act quickly and resolutely.
Act quick and don’t let any rebellion gather momentum, or it can
become a long, drawn-out bloodbath.
Those are the rare exceptions where you can strategically use this quadrant.
For the most part, avoid it and the people in it.
Quadrant #3: High Power and Low Warmth
If the dictator allows for momentum to build, the rebellion might
snowball until it topples him over (or becomes a stalemated bloodbath).
High warmth invites win-win relationships, and, generally, that’s great. But
you can’t always go win-win in life.
These same medieval-like dynamics could also take place in a company.
3. You must keep your few crucial people happy (and the military).
Even dictators depend on a few crucial backers.38 Those backers
include army generals.
When there is no room for win-win, you might need to go win-lose or, at
least, you might want to discourage any attempts of lose-win (in other words,
discourage relationships where you are the losing party).
The fear strategy is risky. Dictators low in warmth are hated by the
population, so they must give lots of financial rewards to those crucial
backers to keep their power.
Low warmth behavior and communication can help you with both, especially
if you can combine it with a high power dominance.
1. Despots and dictators can gain by instilling fear
So, never forget, it’s OK to keep your key backers fearful, but also
make sure they have a full stomach.
In some circumstances, despots can acquire more absolute power by instilling
more fear.
That holds true for the military, too, of course. In times of turmoil, a
dictator’s best friend is the military.
Instead of trying to influence those despots, courtesans will be busier trying
to appease them. Instead of plotting against them, potential enemies will be
more occupied with trying to stay on their good side.
This is why Niccolò Machiavelli, author of The Prince, says that “being feared
is better than being loved.”
68 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
Needless to say, these are very poor leaders, so don’t make your goal to
be a feared, unfriendly dictator.
38
Lucio Buffalmano, “The Dictator’s Handbook: 3 Steps to Being a Dictator,” The Power
Moves, September 9, 2019, https://thepowermoves.com/the-dictators-handbook/.
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2. For criminals to climb hierarchies in violent environments (gangs)
Violence and a reputation for violence are important social currencies to gain
status in gangs.
Being low in warmth can be advantageous for a quick climb.
That being said, once you’re at the top, you’ll still need more skills than only
a violent attitude.
People at the very top of well-organized criminal gangs, like the mafia, still
gain from a reputation of fairness within their group (albeit an illegal, very
peculiar version of “fairness”).
3. To prevent abuse in high-competition and high-danger environments
Instilling fear in others can also be useful in high-danger environments.
It can include sports competitions (especially contact sports) or cut-throat
business environments.
And, of course, high-violence environments, like prisons.
Roy Baumeister, social psychologist, says:39
However, life in gangs truly doesn’t pay well. So you probably don’t want to
go down that road.
That’s why, even despite all of the strategic exceptional cases where the other
quadrants might be helpful, those are only exceptions. Generally speaking,
going for high-warmth, high-power works best for most life situations because
its advantages include:
–
–
–
Decreased competition against you
Increased supportive behavior
Increased chances of win-win
So, now that we have seen the alternatives, let’s talk about how you can become
high-power and high-warmth, starting with the power.
H O W TO B E C O M E H I G H - P O W E R
There’s a lot to cover when it comes to increasing your power. That’s only one
of the many reasons why I feel a course format is more effective for transferring
information to learners than a book might be—there’s more freedom to share
more information with more videos, examples, breakdowns, and analyses.40
But, here is a quick overview.
“A reputation for dangerous, unpredictable
aggressiveness, causes others to leave one alone…
This is the irony of the fighter who never fights because
he is known to be such a dangerous fighter that
no one is willing to challenge him.”
—Roy Baumeister, Evil
39
Lucio Buffalmano, “Evil: Inside Human Violence and Cruelty–Summary,” The Power
Moves, August 20, 2019, https://thepowermoves.com/evil-inside-human-violenceand-cruelty/.
70 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
40
You can get a free preview of the course this book is based on, Power University, at
The Power Moves: https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/
power-university-welcome-lesson/.
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DO THIS:
1. Work to achieve more status, authority, and financial power.
2. Identify your current submissive behaviors and consciously work
to root them out (because dominant behavior is often associated
with “high-power” behavior).41
3. Start adding more high-power behavior.42
Do you remember when we talked about external and deeper layers in Chapter
One? For a quick recap, your external qualities such as your looks are forms of
value (social currencies) and your deeper qualities such as your character are
also forms of value, but are harder to see right away.
There’s an idea that one cannot “fake it until they make it” because one must
truly be successful (truly be high-value or high-power) to reap the benefits of
the successful.
But, we live in a world where perceptions are reality. No one can read minds,
so we go off of one’s external qualities and behavior to get an idea of how
successful they might be. When it comes to external qualities, we might ask
ourselves, “What kind of car does he drive? How expensive is that watch he’s
wearing? Is that a name-brand suit he has on?”
Similarly, there are certain social cues that we use to infer an individual’s value.
When it comes to behavior, we look at how many signs of nervousness they
show, how comfortable they appear, and how dominantly they carry themself
to determine whether or not we want to get to know that person.
How you carry yourself determines how people perceive you when they look
at you. Therefore, that external behavior can get your foot in the door even if
41
42
you’re “faking” that confident, dominant behavior. In simpler terms, so long
as you’re faking it well, people won’t be able to tell the difference.
Now it makes sense, doesn’t it? The old “being” versus “appearing” argument
(being successful versus appearing successful) deals with the visibility of your
social currencies. “Appearing” refers to your external layers, and it’s the equivalent of your personal marketing, while “being” refers to your deeper layers,
and it’s the equivalent of your actual product.
Some people like to scoff at “appearing” and say that they value “being”
far more. Of course, that’s rarely true; both are valuable because, as we
said, they both feed into each other. The person who over focuses on their
deeper layers and does nothing to improve their external layers rarely if
ever reaches the heights of success because they’re marketing themselves
as worthless. Your marketing is all people have to go by on whether or not
they want to invest effort into building a relationship with you when you’re
a stranger.
The opposite is also true, though. The person who over focuses on his or her
external layers and completely neglects the deeper layers leaves individuals
sorely disappointed when they find that this person has far less value to give
than they initially thought.
Both layers need to be given focus, and both layers need each other to reach a
firm level of success in life. To get started on your path to success, “fake” being
high-value with high-power behavior to help others see your value. It will only
be good marketing for yourself.
So, a quick takeaway here—the only difference between your inner and external layers is that one is readily visible. You need to learn how to make the
other visible, which is where your advanced social skills, such as behaving and
communicating more confidently—and sometimes more dominantly—come
into play. (You’ll see more as we continue through each chapter.)
You can get a free, in-depth guide to submissive body language for men and women at
The Power Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/low-power-behavior/.
You can get a free, in-depth guide to high-power body language and behavior at The
Power Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/high-power-behavior/.
72 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
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73
H O W TO B E C O M E H I G H -WA R M T H
To show signs of social warmth, you need to:
There are two dimensions of warmth:
Remove yourself from the perceived threat.
1. Social warmth (looking friendly)
2. Moral warmth (a reputation for being a fair and ethical person)
Some researchers concluded that morality is more important than the
social aspect.
That’s good news, because social warmth can sometimes be time-wasting—
and being too friendly and smiley can make you look submissive.
Since the moral aspect is superior, take care of your reputation as an ethical
player and feel free to focus more on efficiency.
For driven people who are short on time, this is great news. It means that
you can allow yourself to be direct and risk offending someone, as long as you
have the reputation of an ethical and fair human being. Yes, some people will
get offended, but it will be mostly the people with a fragile ego. So as long as
you’re not rude and overly disempowering, most high-value people will appreciate the honesty coming from a high-quality individual.43
There seems to be a slight negative inverse correlation between being high
power and being friendly—meaning if you’re high power, people tend to put
you into the low warmth box automatically. So, you must take the first step to
avoid being seen as an “enemy of the people.”
You can do that by adding warmth signals. Here are six easy tips.
DO THIS:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Flash your eyebrows upwards when you first meet someone.
Smile.
Let the other person speak first.
If you both start talking, invite them to go ahead and speak first.
Before negotiations, do some chit chat. It helps to increase warmth
and trust (and positive results).
6. Think of people as friends and allies, and all the rest of your body
language will follow.
Your moral warmth signs are:
•
•
•
•
•
•
43
Honesty
Fairness
Paying market or above-market wages
Talking about your values
Telling and circulating stories that highlight your moral values
Going the extra mile (you don’t need to be a Mother Teresa here, but
this one surely won’t hurt)
Don’t confuse direct communication with the attitude of people who take pride in
“always telling the truth” and end up being mean and offending people. Hiding behind
the “I’m just telling the truth” attitude is often a power move and an excuse to hide
mean-spiritedness.
74 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
Again, no need to overdo the big smile or a huge eyebrow flash, but try to
modulate it depending on the person. If they are below your status, you can
even overdo the friendly signals, because friendliness from a higher-status person is rarely submissive and far more often considered as “magnanimous.”
If they are being cold and standoffish, it might be the case that they think
that you are too low in warmth, so it’s often worth it to strategically try to be
warmer before you write them off as uncooperative or enemies.
It’s also often good to ramp up the warmth with lower-status people who
can still cause you small trouble, like secretaries or civil servants. People in
those positions are often treated curtly, and they can grow resentful, seeking
to enact revenge by making other people’s lives more difficult. Make sure you
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
75
communicate early and clearly you’re not another asshole, and chances are
they’ll be grateful (and helpful).
Let’s recap this chapter.
•
•
•
•
People determine whether or not they want to be around you based
on how powerful you are and how friendly you are.
There’s a large overlap between being high-value and high-power,
because, in either case, you have the ability to get what you want in
life using the value or power you have (i.e., “value is power”).
The more you can balance being very powerful with being very
friendly, the more people will want to be around you.
To become more high-power and high-warmth, follow the “How to
Become High-Power” and “How to Become High-Warmth” overviews in this chapter as well as this chapter’s action steps.
While that can be a strategy in some settings and situations, a better overall
strategy is this: aim to be both high warmth and high power. That’s the social
strategy of the effective social charmer who makes many allies and few enemies, because in most real-life relationships, which are the majority in our
modern world, warmth complements and increases your power.
So, when you catch yourself being low warmth, aim to be more friendly by
sending more of the “social warmth signs” we talked about. When you catch
yourself carrying yourself as low-power, aim to be more dominant, all the
while doing your best to keep a good balance between the two as you work
toward achieving more status, authority, and financial power.
The rest of this book will get you many steps closer to just that.
#3. Evaluate your main social circle.
As always, before we move on to new material, let’s make sure you’ve got this
one down with some quick action steps.44
As you interact with people in your usual, day-to-day social circle, do your
best to assess where they might fit on the stereotype content model and why.
Action Steps:
Then, apply what you’ve learned in this chapter to avoid their mistakes and
improve your social standing.
#1. Assess where you currently stand on the stereotype content model.
Are you too friendly with not enough power (a common issue for many
“nice guys”)?
Or, are you too high-power and not friendly enough?
It’s also possible—and this is probably the most common—that you are neither high-power nor high-warmth. If that’s the case, your job might even be
simpler: work on both.
In the next chapter, we’ll go over “power moves.” You know what I mean—for
example, when you go on a date and the other person shows up late on purpose to make it look like their time is more important than yours. We’ll be
going over the power moves that lower your status and power (putting you in
the low-power bracket). We’ll also go over exactly how to defend yourself and
boost your status by effectively dealing with these power moves.
#2. Aim to be both high warmth and high power.
The mistake some men make is to completely erase warmth in an effort to be
more “alpha” and dominant.
44
You can get a free, in-depth guide to becoming high-warmth and high-power at The
Power Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/high-warmth-high-competence/.
76 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
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77
Your action steps aimed for that ideal, high-warmth, high power bracket both
for you and those you choose to keep around you. (If you haven’t done those
action steps yet, take care of them before moving on to this chapter.)
CHAPTER 4
HOW TO OVERCOME THE POWER
GAMES PEOPLE PLAY THAT
COST YOU SUCCESS
By now, you’re well and truly into the mind of a social strategist. If you’ve been
implementing what you’ve been learning so far, you’ll have had a few quick
wins—especially if those wins are simply learning from your failures as you
apply what you learn. It’s a time-tested and true practice—going for it and
doing your best, failing, and then using those failures as learning opportunities to make your best better is the surest way to success.
So, if you’ve stuck with this book so far without giving up, awesome! It’s only
natural that those who make it to the finish line are those who refuse to give
up on the journey. Feel free to reward yourself for your effort.
In the last chapter, we covered the stereotype content model and talked about
the best quadrant to be in, as well as how you can make it into that bracket by
becoming higher power and higher warmth.
You also know to avoid positioning yourself as low-value, because those with
less value to give are the ones most likely to fail in relationships and, oftentimes, in life (hence why most people avoid those types of people).
78
And, now we transition into talking about the games some people play that
can reduce your perceived status and power, pushing you into the low-power
bracket if you’re not careful.
Let’s talk about power moves.
“A good person is ruined among the
many who are not good.”
—Niccolò Machiavelli, The Prince
A quote that holds true in the world we live in, which has its fair share of
manipulators, abusers, and generally value-taking people in it. That also
includes people who pull power moves on you to push you down and make
themselves look better.
Your advanced social skills are the real-world skills that will help you deal with
these very real games played both by those who are well-intentioned and don’t
know better and those who are simply value-takers willing to hurt you for
their own gain.
The better you can address these power moves, the more you’ll be perceived as
being in the high-power bracket and create win-win relationships that support
your journey to success.
A very simple definition of a power move is “any action that affects the flow
of power in a given setting.”
I’ll give you an example.
When I started my first online business, I bought the domains for my website
using a particular company. A year later, a mentor of mine recommended a
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
79
high-quality, more cost-effective option for my website domains. After doing
my due diligence, I made the switch.
Playing her game expands on the sucker’s trade of the situation, and, suckers
aren’t typically very high-power.
Unluckily, after the transfer went through, one of my domains started to give
me an error message. I went on Live Chat where a customer support representative was very helpful in getting things back online without any issues. I
thanked her warmly.
Now, this was actually a covert power move, meaning it was a “hidden” power
move. So, if you didn’t catch it at first, it’s all good. You’ll see many more
examples in this chapter of power moves as well as covert power moves and
how to handle them. With your new understanding of the social exchange
from Chapter One, you’ll also catch on to how these moves can be so damaging to your relationships when you let takers like this one into your life.
Since things had gone so well, the representative replied to me, “You are most
welcome! Feel free to ask if you have any other questions, I am at your service.
Also, I would appreciate it if you could leave your feedback by mentioning
my name here [link]. You can also bring me a splash of sunshine if you take
a few minutes to send a short email with your feedback here [email address].
Your few seconds of survey would bring immense happiness to me. Thank
you for contacting [name of company] Support, have a nice day. Stay safe
and healthy.”
Did you catch what she did? She said she would “appreciate” my review and
feedback and that it would bring her a “splash of sunshine” and “immense
happiness” if I could send my feedback to her company’s email too.
It was a nice message on the surface, but it was also written to avoid giving me
any real value back for my time and effort if I gave her that feedback. That creates a win-lose exchange where she gets what she wants and I get back nothing.
Her message was one big power game.
Now, the flow of power in this setting has been affected. If I go along with her
game, it:
•
•
Makes me come across as high-warmth because I would be giving
value without getting anything back. And, that makes me the overly
friendly “nice guy” who’s OK with being taken advantage of. It positions me as a servant doing all of the giving on cue without getting
anything back—which makes it a sucker’s trade.
Makes me come across as low-power because now she knows that
she can use me to get value without having to give anything back.
That’s good for their business as they build themselves up with more
of my value while leaving me drained.
80 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
In the beginning, I was blind to these games. Even after learning them, I figured it was OK to let them slide and still give people what they want because
it was the “right” or “good” thing to do.
However, I now know it’s wrong and naive to let people take advantage of
you. An assertiveness belief and mindset will tell you, “You are worthy of fair
treatment and respectful communication, and so are others.” It’s more than
“OK” to make sure you’re treated fairly—it’s necessary and just, especially if
you want others to treat you with respect.
Once you show others they can treat and communicate with you however
they’d like, it lowers your social status and opens the door to possible abuse—
another one of the reasons why assertive communication is generally better
than the passive route.
To expand on this and the potential dangers here, let’s delve deeper into
Lucio’s wisdom.
Lucio’s high-level definition of a power move is:
“A power move is any action that affects the
power dynamics of an interaction.”45
45
Lucio Buffalmano, “Covert Power Moves (& How to Handle Them),” The Power
Moves, June 16, 2021, https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/
social-skills-advanced/topic/covert-power-moves-how-to-handle-them/.
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If you’re wondering what “power dynamics” is, it’s “the science of power negotiation among people and groups, as well as the strategies that facilitate the
acquisition of resources and the achievement of goals.” But, if you feel like
that’s a mouthful, I have a simpler definition that I share in my bestselling
book, The Clever Connector:
“Power dynamics, at its most simplistic, is the way in
which power works in a given setting. Power is the
measure to which an individual can get what they want.
And, the word ‘dynamic’ is synonymous with the word
‘process.’ So, putting the two words together, ‘power
dynamics’ is simply the process by which an individual
gets (or can get) what they want in a given setting.”46
Now, the high-level definition of a covert power move is:
“Any action or combination of words that on the surface
seems neutral, apologetic, even value-adding, while
actually increasing the power and/or status of the
speaker, and potentially disempowering the victim.”47
—Lucio Buffalmano
But, as you can see from the example above, I have a simple definition for that
one as well (a covert power move is a “hidden power move”).
46
47
Ali Scarlett and Lucio Buffalmano, The Clever Connector: The Easiest Way to Become
Powerful, Regardless of Your Situation. The Underdog’s Guide to Networking with
Billionaires, Celebrities, and Executives, 1st ed., 2020.
Lucio Buffalmano, “Covert Power Moves (& How to Handle Them),” The Power
Moves, June 16, 2021, https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/
social-skills-advanced/topic/covert-power-moves-how-to-handle-them/.
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Picking up from where I left off on what can make power moves so dangerous
(covert or not), some “power-taking” power moves are not so easy to spot.48
Some can actually seem friendly on the surface, and most people miss their
real meaning.
The problem is that when you miss covert power moves and do not correct
the dynamics, you lose power, status, or authority. Over the long run, that
means people will come to see you as lower value since covert power moves
are value-taking when they’re used against you. You’ll miss out on win-win
relationships and might wind up in lose-wins. People might (subconsciously)
label you as lower value than they are.
Ultimately, that leads to less success in life because people view you as weak,
low-power, and/or low-value. So, think of covert power moves as “subliminal power messages” that fly under the radar. This chapter will uncover the
“subliminal” power dynamics through concrete examples and how to deal
with them.
But, first, let me clear this out. Covert power moves disempower you, but that
doesn’t necessarily mean that the person pulling them has bad intentions. The
customer service agent from my story might be forced to ask for a review using
that particular script by her boss or company, for instance.
This is crucial to understand so you don’t over-blame people. Covert power
moves can originate from honest good intentions while still disempowering
you. And, many covert power moves contain both an honest emotional component and a power component. So, please don’t jump to the conclusion that
every single covert power move is the sign of a bad human being. There are
gray areas where some people might not be bad but have only failed to realize
that you’re a higher-value individual than they thought. They just need a little
reminder from you.
However, despite their intentions, the power component of the covert power
move means they are still disempowering you.
48
“Power-taking” means that it disempowers you and generally makes you look weak
and/or low-power.
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COVERT POWER MOVES
Beating This Covert Power Move:
Some covert power moves are very common because they hide behind social
conventions—and it’s precisely because they are so common that they have a
disproportionately large impact on life.49
Imagine this dating scenario. You send a text to a girl that says this:50
Let’s review them.
1. “I Was Busy.”
This is one of the most wide-spread power moves around, but don’t let its
pervasiveness fool you. This is the rule of thumb: the more people are too
busy for you, the more subservient to them you are (and the more you look
lower-power compared to them).
Someone saying that they were “too busy” sub-communicates that they were
busy with more important things to take care of than your less important thing.
You, or your task, were not a high enough priority for their attention.
But, could it be that they were really just too busy? Of course! Even then, it’s
still a power move. Just think about it. Would anyone who really cares about
their job be too busy for their boss? Or, would anyone really be too busy for
the man or woman they want to marry and be with forever?
Exactly. It’s rarely a matter of business and far more often a matter of priority.
Telling someone you were too busy is akin to saying “you aren’t high enough
of a priority for me right now.”
Similar expressions are, “I didn’t have the time,” “I had to take care of a few
things,” “I meant to get back to you, but then a few things came up” and so on.
You: “Hi Gina, I wrote you the other day to schedule a coffee.”
Gina: “Yes, sorry, I was crazy busy these past few days.”
What she’s really saying is, “Yes, sorry, I was crazy busy with things more
important than you and your message these past few days.”
So, let’s analyze a few ways most people reply to that. Most people might ask,
“What were you busy with?”
This is not ideal because she is now prompted to focus and expand on everything that she made a higher priority than you.
Also, maybe she wasn’t busy with anything, and now she’s forced to make up
stories. That reinforces in her mind that you’re a bothersome man she is bending over backward to avoid.
Not what you want.
Another typical reply is, “No worries, life happens.”
This is the neutral reply.
It’s good because your ready-made excuse that “life happens” gets her off the
hook. Now, at least she doesn’t feel the need to expend effort on made-up lies
for why she prioritized other things over you.
But, it’s still not ideal. You are downplaying her choice not to respond, which
is good, but you’re still suffering a power-loss from her covert power move
because you’re not addressing it.
50
49
You can get a free, in-depth guide on covert power moves at The Power Moves website:
https://thepowermoves.com/covert-power-moves/.
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This is not a good text to send because it thread-expands on her ignoring you or
dodging your invite. But we’ll forget that for a moment and focus on learning the
covert power dynamics.
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S AY T H I S :
“Yeah, sorry I didn’t follow up with you sooner. Life’s hectic sometimes.”
It implies she wasn’t a high enough priority for you to pursue her harder and
that you are also “too busy” with other things.
It’s a bit of a “game-y” answer, to be honest. It’s good to learn, but it’s not ideal
to get stuck at trading power moves.
Ideally, you want to soar higher.
My favorite response is actually to empathize with something like, “All good,
everyone’s so busy in this city [smiley face emoji],” and then leave it up to her
to either show some more interest or let it die there.
Of course, you always have the option of ignoring her, too.
Oftentimes, Lucio chooses this response and opts not to play the game back.
He just makes a mental note that they might be a game player and simply
moves towards whatever his goal is. And, if he sees too many of these covert
power moves, then he de-prioritizes the individual, cuts contact, or generally
avoids giving them any important role in his life.
It’s a covert power move because she doesn’t take responsibility with her apology. Instead, she puts the focus on the effect she had. In this case, the “I’m
sorry you felt hurt” subcommunicates “I’m sorry you couldn’t manage your
insecurities and jealousy, but I’m not sorry for what I did.”
Here’s another example. Let’s say, for instance, a coach is apologizing to one
of his players, and that player is you. He says, “I’m sorry that I yelled at you in
front of the whole team.”
Once again, the coach isn’t taking responsibility for his actions such as by
apologizing for losing his temper or for not managing his emotions well. He
instead focuses the apology on what he did to you, and, as a result, he underlines what he had the power to do to you. He yelled at you in front of the
whole team while you had to take it. And, he might’ve ruined your reputation
with the team, too, because of it—all because he can.
OK, last one. Let’s say your horrible boss says, “I’m sorry I said you’re useless
in front of the customer.” Take a moment and really think about what this
statement subcommunicates. Do you see its true meaning?
Would you ever think that “I’m sorry” could be a power move? I hope so.
In that example, your boss’s apology sub communicates, “I’m sorry you’re my
underling, but no matter what, I can still speak to you however I want any
time I want.” And, that’s the true meaning, because if they’re apologizing for
speaking to you however they felt like in front of a customer, it’s implied that
it’s because they can speak to you however they want to in front of a customer.
And, their apology isn’t a real apology here, it’s a covert power move that only
shows what they have the power to do to you.
Think of what it implies. “Sorry” means that someone hurt you, wronged you,
or caused you harm.
Beating This Covert Power Move:
2. “I’m Sorry.”
And, from a social power point of view, the power in a relationship rests with
the person who has the most power to hurt the other.
How do you react to “I’m sorry” power moves?
So, imagine a woman saying to her relationship partner, “Honey, I’m sorry
you felt hurt that me and Max spoke for so long.”
saying that.”
If it’s a power move, don’t say anything resembling, “Thank you for
And, of course, don’t look like you were indeed hurt by their behavior. Don’t let the exchange linger on the apology phase for too long.
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The longer you linger on the “sorry” phase, the more you highlight
She later approached me with my colleague while we were at lunch
that you’re the one lower in power from their hurtful behavior.
and profusely apologized. Since she was high rank, and known to
Instead, a good option is to minimize it, rebuild your own status
be super tough, that raised my status big time with my colleague.
with a quick comment, and then move on quickly.
3. “Sorry, I Don’t Remember You…”
An example is to respond with, “No, no, it’s all good. I’m [doing]
The dynamic here is the same as with being busy. The less someone remembers you, the more important they make themselves to be compared to you—
which makes them higher-power.
great and have been crazy busy with X. Anyway, I’ve heard that…”
and move the conversation along, away from the topic of the apology and the situation that might’ve cost you some of your status.
Also, if it’s warranted, there’s another option. You can reply with a
good power move of your own.
S AY T H I S :
“I forgive you.”
By saying “I forgive you” or “I accept your apology,” you shift the
power away from them to you. You have the power to decide
whether or not to forgive them, and you decided to use your power
When someone doesn’t remember (or, sometimes, pretends they don’t remember) you, they’re saying that you are a low priority in their life, so much so that
they don’t care enough to remember you. Alternatively, they may be saying
that their life is so full of important things that they must be a higher value
individual than you are.
Forgetting important information about you or pretending not to know
something important about you are different forms of this covert power move.
The mistake that many make here is trying to help the power mover remember you—for example, by sharing more details about you, who you are, or
where and how you met.
to grant them absolution.
Big social mistake, and poor social strategy.
Now, the exception to this “I’m sorry” covert power move is when an
When you help people remember you, you’re playing into their hands and
further highlighting the power differential.
apology from someone actually gives you power. There are situations where just “I’m sorry” is enough to rebalance the power.
Beating This Covert Power Move:
Imagine a teacher yelled at you in front of the class and you
requested that they apologize to you in front of the whole class.
Then, it’s your power move. In that case, you can take charge of it
and build upon it.
Say, “It’s OK professor, I’m glad you listened to me and are making
DO THIS:
Pretend not to remember them, and you’ll help put yourself in an even
footing with the power mover.
up for it. We can move on.”
Something similar happened to me with one of those crazy office
Alternatively, if you already admitted you knew or remember them, pretend it was a vague memory.
ladies who yells at people when they get angry.
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Or, finally, you can say you are confusing the power mover with someone else
because “there are lots of blondes in this city,” or whatever peculiar characteristic they have, which is also slightly demeaning, but ensures they see you
as more of an equal and, as a result, treat you with the respect and fairness of
an equal.
4. “You Can Do It!”
You know those (cheap) “supportive” messages of encouragement,
like, “You can do it!” or, “Go there and smash it.”
Now that you’ve seen a few covert power moves, think about it…
what do these messages sub-communicate?
They all make it seem like you need their encouragement. As if
their encouragement is helpful and that they’re in a position to pro-
one who offers the reassurance of course, not the one who needs
the reassurance.
Worse yet, imagine if your boss was listening. Who would he most
likely want to promote? Not the guy who needs to be reminded not
to be afraid, of course.
Beating This Covert Power Move:
The first rule is this.
•
Do not confirm that you will heed their encouragement.
Don’t say that, yes, you will be confident, cool, strong, or whatever, because
that confirms that their encouragement was, at least, fair to give.
Next:
vide you with valuable encouragement (which sub-communicates
they’re either on your level or above you).
Even worse are the encouragements like, “Be strong,” “Be confi-
•
Watch out for directly fighting the covert power move.
ment are the ones that explicitly frame you as being weak.
Saying “I’m not afraid” is powerful and can work, so don’t necessarily avoid it,
but, there is a downside. It expands on a topic you might not want to expand
on—in this case, the “fear” topic. Now, people might be wondering “Is he
telling the truth? Is he a bit afraid?”
For example, I remember a colleague who told me before a sales
So, here are a few potential solutions that work best for this game.
dent,” or “Be cool.” They sub-communicate that you are not already
confident, strong, or cool enough. The worst types of encourage-
call with a potentially big customer, “Don’t be afraid, remember that
he shits and farts just like anyone else.”
On the surface, it seems like he was supporting and encouraging
me. But, in truth, it set up a frame that I should have been afraid,
•
Ignore it or make little of it.
A standard and evergreen technique.
which is mentally disempowering. He made it look like I probably
was afraid, which lowers my status and power to everyone in ear-
DO THIS:
shot. (And, if nobody was around, it certainly lowered my status
between him and me and in our respective minds.)
Imagine if your colleagues were listening. Who would they consider the higher status and more value-giving employee? The
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Let it drop, don’t reply, ignore it.
A very detached “thanks,” said without looking at them, will work. You say
“thanks” as if you’re actually saying, “That was useless horseshit.”
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•
Disempower their game by indirectly showing their game.
Imagine you work in sales and this exchange takes place with your colleague.
Usually, the givers are in the higher-value position, because, simply by giving
value, they sub-communicate they have an abundance of it. And, as a result,
they’re also in the higher-power position, because, as we said, “value is power.”
Colleague: “You can do it man, go in there and be persuasive.”
So, what happens when someone says, “How can I help you?”
You: “I wasn’t planning on going in there and being unpersuasive, but
thanks.”
It implies that they can help you and that they’re there to help you. It implies
that they’re giving.
And, express the “but thanks” as if to say, “I’m just saying this out of politeness, but that was useless.”
The response to his power move in this example outlines the uselessness of the
“encouragement” and re-empowers you.
•
Disempower their game with sarcasm.
It’s the same as the previous example, only with an ironic response.
For example:
Colleague: “You can do it man, go in there and be persuasive.”
You: “Thanks, I was planning to go in there and be as unpersuasive as possible, but now I know better.”
And now, finally, for a very common power move in business networking.
In turn, it disempowers you because if it’s implied that they’re the one giving, then it’s also implied that you’re the one taking. Being positioned as a
taker makes you look lower-value and lower-power. This is bad for keeping
people around and equally as bad for your aim for the high-power, highwarmth bracket.
Beating This Covert Power Move:
You deal with it by removing yourself from the “helped” position and removing them from the “helper” position.
Here’s a response that keeps you high-power and high-warmth.
S AY T H I S :
“Thank you for saying that. Maybe we can both be helpful to each
other.” [Then, proceed from there.]
5. “How Can I Help You?”
Remember when we talked about the social exchange in the first chapter?
For a quick recap, we’re always checking whether or not our relationships are
helping or hurting us by keeping track of who is giving and who is taking.
The more taking someone does, the more we feel they “offer” a useless relationship that only hurts us—and the more likely we are to avoid them.
Conversely, the more giving someone does for us, the more likely we are to
want them around.
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In one of my meetings with a brand new contact, after we exchanged introductions, he said, “So, how can I help you?” As we explained before, if I would’ve
accepted that covert power move, it would’ve made him look like the helpful
giver and me look like the weaker party taking his help because I needed it.
So, I responded with, “Yes, if there’s a way you can help, I’d be grateful. And,
even better if there’s a way we can help each other.”
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By saying “if,” it implies that we don’t know if you can help me and, therefore,
we’re still on even footing right now (no imbalanced, giver/taker relationship).
And, by saying it’d be even better if there’s a way we could help each other, it
sets up the conversation for us to move towards a win-win where we’re both
giving to each other and benefiting from the relationship (as opposed to one
giving and one taking).
Let’s now review a different class of disempowering power moves. Lucio attributes this class of power move to “judge power dynamics,”51 and they can be
both open and direct, or covert.
Judge power dynamics revolve heavily around the emotional dynamics of being
and feeling judged. It includes feeling valued, approved of, loved, accepted,
and, of course, the opposites: to be made to feel worthless, disapproved of,
disliked, or “not welcome.”
JUDGE POWER MOVES
Have you ever been judged by someone and felt bad afterward? If you answered
“yes,” their judgment might’ve been a covert power move.
The judge is defined as:
“The individual who assesses other people’s
worthiness, dispenses emotional punishments
and rewards, and exercises power and influence
over others through emotional control.”52
Judges are high-power roles that take many forms in life and socialization.
Here are some of the most common ones:
1. Mothers or Fathers: Mothers and fathers are the ultimate judge figures.
2. Mother or Father Figures: Mother and father figures have the same
and sometimes even more power than actual mothers and fathers—
especially, if the biological mother or father was absent or a poor parent. Or, if the mother or father figure is a high-value person you can
look up to.
3. Older Brothers/Sisters: It’s not uncommon to want the approval of
an older sibling.
4. Intimate Partners: Intimate partners are most likely to become
judges when they are more intelligent, more accomplished, or
more experienced.
5. Coaches/Mentors/Sponsors: Mentors tend to possess many of the
traits that can make for a “judge role,” such as being at a higher station in life or higher status, having more life accomplishments, having
more knowledge, and having more experience.
6. Bosses: Anyone who has the power to direct your work or your life
can become a judge. They can judge and assess your work, and they
can make you emotionally dependent, if you let them (more on that
a little later).
7. Public Opinion: The “judge” is a role, and roles are not always held
by one specific person. Indeed, judges are quite often groups and,
equally often, the nameless and faceless collective of people that reside
within our own minds.
Overall, it’s a good thing to care about what others think and feel about you.
Those who do not care at all are often social rejects. However, there must be a
balance, and there is a big difference between caring about what others think
and letting others control us.
51
52
You can get a free, in-depth guide on how judgment is used as a tool for emotional
control at The Power Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/the-judge-role-inpower-dynamics/.
Lucio Buffalmano, “The Definitive Dictionary of Power: Terms & Definitions,” The
Power Moves, July 27, 2020, https://thepowermoves.com/dictionary-of-power/#Judge.
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Here’s an example of a covert judge power move to give you an idea of what
this looks like.
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1. “That’s Why I Like You.”
This sounds like a compliment, but it’s nothing more than judgment (even if
it sounds positive, positive judgment is still a form of judgment).
Remember, it’s the more powerful individual who judges others (who takes
the “judge role”).
The person who says they like you is passing judgment over you. They’re
saying that you’re doing a good enough job to earn their approval, hence why
they like you.
That makes it look like they have the power to judge and assess you, and, if
you’re not careful with how you respond, it could look like you want their
approval—which makes you look weak.
Beating This Judge Covert Power Move:
You can effectively beat this covert power move by playing it back.
For example, let’s say you and your friends are trying to organize a party but
you can’t figure out a specific date and time where everyone’s schedules line
up. That’s partly because some of your friends don’t know if they’ll be available
on some of the dates and times you’re suggesting.
So, you propose an idea to the group. You say you can set a date and time for
a couple of weeks out and that, instead of trying to figure out how to make
the party work with everyone’s schedules, they can do their best to work their
schedules around the set date of the party. If anyone needs help making it
work as you get closer to the date, they can let you know and you’ll do your
best to figure something out.
Your friend, who’s sitting next to you, looks at you, puts his hand on your
shoulder, and says, “That’s why I like this guy. He is such a great planner for
our parties.”
Now, the frame is that you gained his approval and acceptance by doing all of
the work for everyone else (people pleaser, anyone?) and now he’s “rewarding”
you with that positive judgment.
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So, here’s what you can do.
DO THIS:
Mimic the body language of the attacker, but reframe it positively
for you.
So, in this example, touch him back, look away as you point at him, and say,
“Ahaha this guy, he always knows how to recognize great ideas…That’s why I
like him.”
When the attacker said, “He is such a great planner for our parties,” the frame
throughout the group is that you work for the group. So, you put a positive
spin on that original frame by saying, “He always knows how to recognize
great ideas,” which changes the perception to “I come up with great ideas.” Far
more positive for your power and status within the group.
In saying that, you subtly call out his move to push you down with his game.
At the same time, you put yourself back on even footing with him by passing
judgment of your own.
2. The “Judge’s Reward” Power Move
Lucio once shared a LinkedIn post with his community that depicts this power
move very well.
Here’s what a manager said to her employee, and as you read this, think about
how it feels to you:
“On Monday, we are saying goodbye for a short period of time…Maria
has done an amazing job in filling a lot of our International Expansion and
European markets roles…For that reason, we are giving Maria an opportunity to work in Brazil for the next three months to support the growth
of the business! It’s an amazing opportunity for her and one that she is
fully embracing.”
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If it feels somewhat off and patronizing, maybe slightly annoying, too, then
chances are you are starting to develop the “feel” for covert judge power moves
(and power dynamics overall).
When the manager said, “She has done an amazing job…For that reason, we
are giving her an opportunity to work in Brazil for the next three months,”
he’s really saying, “I assessed and judged her work. And, I’ve determined that
she has done an amazing job (and I am the final judge on that)…so, now,
we’re giving her this little reward. And, if she keeps doing an amazing job—a
job good enough to keep earning our approval—we’ll keep giving her rewards
like these.”
How patronizing is that? It’s the equivalent of the dog’s treat. “You be a good
little girl, and I’ll give you a little reward (treat).”
To begin with, the covert frame is that Maria needs them to go to Brazil, or
else she wouldn’t be able to. And, on top of that, they put a stopwatch of
three months on her after which she supposedly “has” to come back home to
big daddy. (How about instead Maria quits and finds her own job wherever
she likes?)
Plus, the “gift” they’re giving is conditional on Maria doing her job the way
they like it done. It implies that if she stops doing the job the way they like it,
she’ll lose their approval and lose their rewards. It’s extremely disempowering
because that means their “rewards” come with strings attached—or, shall we
say, with a leash attached.
Women are generally more aware of covert power moves than men are, and
the lady in this example was no exception. She caught on to the oppressive
power move, and Lucio noticed that she made sure to take action to negate the
boss’s absolute power over her.
Her response was, “Thank you for your kind words! I am so happy to get the
great opportunity to work in Brazil. We will see if it is just for a short period
of time [wink emoji]. Wonderful to work for [the name of their division].”
That implies that how long her assignment will last is up to her. It denies the
extent of his authority over her. Is she even implying that she’s got the power
to quit the company and find something better in Brazil? Possibly…But, then
she ends on a positive note, confirming her loyalty, thus ending with a more
positive, warm tone.
A great move mixing power (which re-empowered her) with high warmth
from her positive and collaborative frame. Now that was a truly amazing job.
Moving on with more of Lucio’s eye-opening work on advanced social skills.
MICROAGGRESSIONS
Microaggressions are the “little everyday power moves” that we sometimes
have to deal with.
We define microaggressions as:
“Aggressions, insults, or generally value
and power-taking social behavior expressed in
covert or indirect ways, and characterized by
low to moderate intensities of aggression.”53
In other words, it’s the disrespectful communication you might get from others that, if you let it slip, make you look weak. But, if you deal with it aggressively, you become the “bad guy” who’s either too aggressive or too touchy,
even if they started it.
An example of a microaggression is value-taking joking and teasing. Someone
can’t, for example, yell at you that you’re an idiot in front of the whole team
you’re both a part of (which would be high aggression and directness) and
53
Did you catch how she reclaimed her power back? She said, “We will see if it’s
just for a short period of time.”
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Lucio Buffalmano, “Micro-Aggressions & Social Calibration,” The Power Moves,
June 16, 2021, https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/socialskills-advanced/topic/micro-aggressions-social-calibration/#What_Is_A_Microaggression.
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then credibly pretend that they were “just joking.” But, they can tease you by
implying that you’re an idiot and then pretend they were “just joking.” This
might not be as value-taking as the direct assault option, but it’s still damaging.
Well, here’s how the effective social strategist responds to microaggressions.
(And, if you happen to have a friend like Max, it wouldn’t hurt to share these
strategies with him so he can handle things like a pro.)
The mistake many people make when they’re dealing with microaggressions
is they answer to it with high aggression. Microaggressions are often seen as
low forms of aggression (so much so that they can easily be passed off as “just
messing around”). So, even if the microaggression was hurtful, responding to
it with aggression will be seen as overreacting.
1. The Surfacing Technique
That can make you look like you’re thin-skinned, touchy, or a fool for taking
a “joke” so seriously (and a smart power player will certainly do their best to
make you look like a fool).
A personal favorite of mine, the surfacing technique consists of drawing them
out of their cover.
Why? Because you want to remove their cover and show their true intent. You
want to show them for the nasty players they are. You can execute this technique with very simple and neutral questions.
S AY T H I S :
Let’s say you went out with some friends and one of them makes these negative jokes that are in poor taste quite often. This person’s name is Eric, and one
night, he says to your other friend Max, “Ahaha, good to see Max tonight. It
took a free dinner to make him come out!”
This person’s comment implies that Max is stingy and/or poor (hence why
he’s so tight with his pockets). If that comment gets under Max’s skin, he
might overreact, saying, “Excuse me? What are you implying? I spend as much
money as anyone else here. Take that back and apologize.”
If you’re following, you know what comes next. “Dude, relax man, it was just
a joke, what are you getting so hot about? We’re just joking here.”
Unless Max addresses what the “microaggressor” said effectively (by using
advanced social skills), that microaggressor can keep retreating under the cover
of it only being a “joke” while the matter goes unresolved. This microaggressive “friend,” Eric, could also keep the “funny” jokes coming. And if Max
doesn’t have the tools to deal with them, he can become a social punching bag.
He might even explode or get overly angry.
And, if that happens, Max doesn’t exactly come out of it too well—he’s the
butt of the jokes, gets too hot headed, and even ends up ruining the meal
for everyone.
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•
•
•
“What do you mean by that?”
“I don’t get it, why are you saying that?”
“What’s the irony in that joke? I’m missing it.”
Ask them to explain their “joke.”
The more they explain and dig deeper into what their joke really means, the
more they expose how negative what they were really saying is, which is exactly
what you want.
2. Shame Them with Vulnerability
Lucio has loved this option ever since a member of the TPM community
came up with it.54 Most people who are victims of microaggressions focus on
attacking back, but, a great technique is to not attack back but instead use the
power of vulnerability.
54
Thank you, John Freeman! John used it at work with a superior of his, and this
technique is especially good in those instances because it’s politically risky to attack
back or to challenge them and disempower them too directly.
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Here are some examples of how that can look:
DO THIS:
Now, it looks more like that negative friend is the type of person who throws
money away for short-term gratification while Max looks more like a man
working on his dreams.
Now, that’s how you handle a microaggression with a classy one-up back.
Pause, look like you’re mulling it over and potentially saddened, and say,
“I feel it’s rude to make fun of me like that.”
Then, if necessary, add later, “I treat you well. Or at least, that’s my goal.
I don’t see why you should play these games with me.”
With a response like that, the friend making mean jokes is now revealed to be
what he is: a mean power-taker looking to push you down. It’s now up to him
to either backtrack or continue being mean.
Especially in a close friend group, most people will backtrack, defend, apologize, or change their joke to make it less value-taking.
And it’s very powerful when they backtrack without you even directly asking
for it.55
Mastering microaggressions is extremely important for your social success.
Microaggressions are not as damaging as the other types of power moves out
there on their own, but they do happen more frequently. Letting too many
microaggressions go is the social equivalent of death by a thousand cuts.
(While one cut might not destroy your social status, several of them most
certainly will.)
I know that microaggressions are annoying and sometimes tedious to deal
with, but, it’s well within your capability to handle them with assertiveness
instead of aggression, given time and practice. And, for your long-term success, it’s well worth it.56
Here’s a quick summary of this chapter.
•
3. Change It Into a Positive
•
In this example, imagine this exchange.
Eric: “Ahaha, good to see Max tonight. It took a free dinner to make him
come out!”
•
Max: (Replying cool headedly) “Yeah man, I am looking to save indeed. I
think it’s important to save and invest in your dreams.”
•
Then, if Max felt like taking it a step further, he could also add, “I’m not into
throwing money down the drain with drinks and random girls.”
55
This is due to social effort and social ROI—the more results you can get with less
effort, the higher-power you are.
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56
A power move is anything someone does that affects the flow of power
in a given setting.
People may try to pull a value-taking power move on you to channel
the power away from you toward them, leaving you lower-power and
lower status (and, low-value, as a result).
They may try to pull these power moves by judging you or by knocking you down a peg socially while hiding behind a cover such as it
only being a “joke.”
To resolve these covert power moves masterfully, use any of the techniques in this chapter. (Or, grab the free guides with all of the techniques you can use to deal with power moves. You can get them in the
footnotes of this chapter.)
You can get a free, in-depth guide on 10 techniques to deal with microaggressions at
The Power Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/microaggression/.
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Now you know about covert power moves, an eye-opening lesson for many.
Remember not to go too overboard. Many people are being honest with
their apologies or support. To decide who is who, and what’s more honest or
more value-taking, you must look at the context and your past history with
the individual.
Now, here are your action steps.
Action Steps:
#1. Develop habits that help you manage your emotions well.
One good habit that can help you be less emotionally reactive to power moves
is meditation.
book, you’ll learn more advanced social skills you can use to replace your current areas for improvement.)
After you’ve completed the action steps for this chapter, we’ll be moving
on to a topic called frame control. You’ll learn how to identify persuasion
opportunities in conversation, how to communicate to capitalize on those
opportunities, and the techniques to convince people to accept your point of
view (with exactly what to say). This is powerful for negotiating relationships,
business deals, and anything else you want in life that requires the “yes” of
another person.
You’ll also get a free guide on the 10 frame control techniques to out-frame
anyone, anytime.
#2. Analyze your past interactions and relationships.
Especially the ones where you lost power, attraction, or status.
Were there covert power moves or judge power dynamics that you might’ve
missed?
Write down your own analyses of your past interactions and relationships, and
include how you could have handled each one better.
#3. Analyze and record your social interactions, especially ones that
include power moves.
Start a journal. Preferably, a brand new one dedicated to the sole purpose of
analyzing your social interactions.
Do your best to recall and write down what happened, how you handled it,
and how you feel you could’ve handled it better.
The sooner after the interaction you can write your analysis, the better.
Feel free to use this book as a reference point to determine how you could
improve moving forward. (As you move forward throughout the rest of this
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CHAPTER 5
HOW TO WIN MORE NEGOTIATIONS
WITH ADVANCED FRAME
CONTROL TECHNIQUES
I attended a speech once by Mae C. Jemison, the first woman of color to go
to space. At the end of her speech was a meet and greet. I waited in line for
15 minutes only to have the gatekeeper tell me that my ticket was not a meet
and greet ticket and only guaranteed me a seat at her speech. I walked away
disappointed, because it was too late to get new tickets, and I didn’t want to
hold up the long line.
After walking away, I realized that this was an opportunity to try out what
I had learned about advanced social skills so far. I got back in line and reapproached the gatekeeper. She recognized me but had a pleasant smile on her
face. (I was expecting a more judgmental facial expression, considering she
had already turned me away once before.)
I looked her in the eyes and said, “I know I was just here and I don’t have a
meet and greet ticket, but have you ever made an exception?”
You’re getting close to the end of this book! If you keep at it, it won’t be long
now before you’re building relationships that leave you more fulfilled, happy,
and successful.
In the last chapter, you learned about covert power moves. You learned that
these hidden power moves can lower your status and knock you down to
the low-power brackets of the stereotype content model, if you’re not careful.
You also learned some ways of dealing with those power moves to keep your
status intact.
Power-taking and value-taking covert power moves will lower your status, so,
if you only skimmed over that last chapter, it’s essential that you go back and
give it a proper read.
I was now leaning a bit on the railing to my left, holding unbreakable eye
contact with her. (This is called “locking in,” and it makes you look more
dominant, which helps you come across as more high-power. Taking positions
that appear comfortable is more leaderlike than positions that appear nervous,
anxious, or uncomfortable.)
She gave me a warm smile and said something along the lines of, “We’re not
really allowed to do that. We have a contract with Ms. Jemison that she’s only
willing to take pictures with everyone who buys a meet and greet ticket.”
When she “shot me down,” the people behind me heard and started laughing.
Personally, I felt like they were laughing at me because they had all bought
their tickets and here I was, trying to negotiate my way inside for free.
Similarly, if you haven’t done the action steps for the last chapter yet, do them
before moving on to this one.
I turned back to the gatekeeper and said, “Look, I completely understand,
and if I were in your shoes, I would feel the same way. Would it be possible to
make one exception this time?”
“Everything in life can be negotiated.”
—Milton Steinbach Professor at Yale, Barry Nalebuff
I leaned back on the railing as we locked eyes for what was at least eight
seconds (looking back, I’m surprised neither of us blinked). Since everyone
in line was behind me and she was the gatekeeper standing opposite of us, it
started to look like it was all of us against her. From the outside looking in, as
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107
the social pressure built up in that long silence, one could easily view the situation as all of them silently shaming her for not letting one guy get a picture
in—which now made her look like the “heartless woman” holding up the line.
I tilted my head to the side a little bit, a slight nonverbal sign of submissiveness
to balance out the rest of my dominant body language and communication,
so as to not come across like I’m trying to “overpower” her (especially, when I
have no tangible leverage here). The social pressure began to really build up in
the eye contact and silence of those eight seconds.
In hindsight, Lucio also gave me some great feedback on this interaction.
Among the things he said, he mentioned that a different approach would’ve
been to nudge the gatekeeper with more of a joking frame. For example, a
smile and a half-joking “please please” would have preserved rapport, increased
my warmth, and still delivered an effective nudge.
So, what can we learn from this experience? The initial lens the gatekeeper saw
the situation through was that there was a guy trying to get access to an opportunity he was not allowed to have (which is not a wrong view of the situation).
But, with the way I handled the situation, I was able to influence her lens so
she could see the situation differently. She started to see the situation as, “Here
is a respectful guy with a dream, trying to pursue an opportunity we all want,
and I’m being cold-hearted and cruel toward him.”
That story leveraged more advanced social skills than we have the space to
teach in this book. However, in this chapter, you will get a myriad of extensive,
effective, well-thought out techniques to get incredible wins for yourself without needing to know all of the surrounding skill sets yet. And, one of these
skills of influencing people’s lenses is called “frame control.”
Lucio calls these “lenses” people use to view the world “frames”:
And he’s totally right. Next time I’ll know even better.
“A frame is a set of beliefs, values, perspectives,
and personal predispositions with which
people filter and interpret the world.”57
Luckily, you don’t need perfection.
She finally looked at me and said, “You’re breaking my heart,” and in a low
voice said, “go,” while she nodded towards the entrance behind her.
I thanked her, and, as a result, I got an exclusive picture with the first woman
of color to go to space—for free.
Today, I also would’ve offered to pay for that meet and greet.
I was extra eager back then, but today I now know that these advanced social
skills should not be used irresponsibly. Negotiating my way in for free was
a great example that the strategies you’re learning here work, but experience
taught me that it also wasn’t very cool of me to do so.
So, my approach is always to find ways to make my situations win-win. And,
even if paying afterward wasn’t possible, that would’ve been a strategic offer
to show that I was willing to give in order to get—so I wouldn’t be framed as
a value-taker—but also so I could be more fair to the others in line who paid
for the opportunity as well as to the gatekeeper.
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If you’ve been sticking with us so far, you might’ve noticed that I like to give
simplified versions of the scientific, advanced definitions that Lucio gives.
Having a more basic definition so I could start developing a basic understanding especially helped me when I first started out. I refer to a frame as a “lens,”
and I define a lens as “the way with which we view the world and situations
within it.”
So, the same way one person could view me as selfish for negotiating my way
into an exclusive meet-up with a celebrity without paying, another person
could view me as a hard-working go-getter, doing whatever he can to get what
he wants in life even when he’s been rejected before. It all depends on how
57
Lucio Buffalmano, “Frames 101: Understanding Frames,” The Power Moves, June
16, 2021, https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/frames-101understanding-frames/.
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you choose to see things. It depends on your lens through which you view the
world and situations within the world.
Anyone’s lens can be influenced so they see things differently. When you know
how to influence other people’s lenses so you can get more out of life, you can
do exactly that.
As an example, I used to be the co-owner of a professional cleaning company
before I stepped down to start my own business.
Back then, we were working with another company that helped us get leads
for a fee through their paid service.
They’d send us the leads, we’d pay for the lead, and if we were able to turn that
lead into a client, that company who sent us the lead would keep the money
we paid for it. If we weren’t able to turn that lead into business, we would get
a “credit” so we could try our hand with another lead.
One day, we had a situation where we paid for a lead, went out to give the
homeowner a free estimate, and the homeowner told us it was her 70-year-old,
mentally ill father who accidentally put out the request for our services. They
would not be requiring our services, especially since they were soon moving
to a different state.
We checked our business bank account and also noticed that the lead company charged us about $107 to cover the bill for our past leads, even though
they weren’t supposed to have our card on file at the time.
My business partner let me know what was going on, and I told him to leave
it to me.
I started by calling the lead company, and a customer service agent picked up
the phone. They put me through to their supervisor. When their supervisor
answered, she pulled up my business and my profile on her computer. She
noticed that we’d been working with them for three years.
When she saw that we’d been with them for so long, her voice tonality changed
noticeably, and she sounded more open to hearing what I had to say. After
reading up to here, try to guess, why the change?
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Because working together for so long showed that we had been giving value to
her company for quite some time and that we’d been in a win-win relationship
for years. We’d been positioned as value-givers in her mind.
So, I let her know the situation and asked for a refund.
Her response was that they actually reached out to that same homeowner after
we gave our estimate. That homeowner went with a different company and
even left the other company a review. Then, she told me they have a no-refund
policy anyway.
So, what is the frame here? What is the implied subcommunication?
The lens that the supervisor seemed to be viewing this situation through was
that it was our fault for not securing the business of that lead, so they shouldn’t
have to pay us for incompetency on our end.
If I didn’t do something to influence her lens—if I didn’t do something to
change the way she saw the situation—I would get denied the refund. One of
the most counterproductive ways to negotiate is to contradict the person who
holds most of the decision-making power to determine whether or not you
get what you want. Saying, “No, you’re wrong,” would’ve only resulted in an
escalation or a rejection or both. (Especially, since they get calls looking for
refunds all the time.)
So, I said, “Alright, I think I understand. Look, the problem that I see here
isn’t really the customer, it’s our relationship. Our businesses are built on providing value in exchange for money. In this case, we gave you money, but
received no value, which affects the win-win part of our partnership. And,
some money was deducted from our bank account that we weren’t prepared
for, because our card isn’t supposed to be on file. So, we love you guys, we’ve
been with you for years. But, we can’t really move forward with you with our
financials the way it is. So, what can we do to fix this?”
In this case, I adjusted the focus of her lens from focusing on the money she’d
be losing (by giving a refund) to the money she’d be gaining in the future by
“helping us move forward with them.”
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She put me on hold then came back with a good chunk of money for us.
However, it was only enough to resolve the issue of the homeowner. There was
still the issue of the past few charges they made to the card that they weren’t
supposed to have on file. So, I continued the negotiation and asked about the
remaining amount.
She said, “Oh, so, were you looking for a refund for that, too?”
I say, “Well, actually, that’s up to you. Like I said, we’ve been with [name of
their company] for years now. Pretty much since our business first opened in
late 2017, we’ve been with you guys, so you guys have really been with us since
day one. We love your services, so we trust you completely to do what’s fair.
It’s up to you.”
She puts me on hold again, then came back with more money.
That last line worked because it shifted the focus of her lens again from the
money she’d be losing by giving another refund to helping maintain her company’s positive reputation as “someone we’ve been with and trusted for years
whose services we love.” She naturally made the call that helped secure the
interest of the company while still giving me what I wanted.
In the second example, I got a full refund on hundreds of dollars for my company in a matter of minutes. Because of their fairness, they recouped far from
what they gave over the course of our relationship. I effectively negotiated the
deal to be positive for both parties.
You might be thinking, ”This is all well and good, but what exact techniques
can I use right now to get what I want in life and win more negotiations?”
Well, you can negotiate both relationships and deals in your business or career.
Oftentimes, when you’re looking for others to view you as high-power, you’re
also negotiating the way they view the world so they can view you as highpower. You’re influencing their lens so they see you as being a high-value,
high-power individual.
Those same negotiation techniques (which will be referred to here throughout
as frame control techniques) are effective for negotiating deals as well.
So, on that note, we’ll go back to Lucio’s work to give you some specific, practical techniques to persuade others to give you what you want, treat you fairly,
and communicate with you respectfully.
She wins because her company gains my future business and maintains a positive reputation with a value-giving customer. And, as we said before, I win
because I get my money back. Win-win relationships lead to the most success.
HIGH-QUALITY FRAMES AND FRAME
CONTROL TECHNIQUES
I used to think that, to be persuasive, you needed to know all of the techniques
and strategies of top negotiators. That certainly helps, but now I know that no
matter what fancy trick you use, nothing is more powerful than helping the
other side see the situation as a win for them.
As a kid, I used to think that when someone said something hurtful, there was
nothing you could do except say something even more hurtful back so you
could “win.” If you couldn’t think of something more hurtful than what they’d
said, that meant you “lost” and had to live with whatever offensive insult they
called you.
In the first example, I positioned myself as a high-power individual with
dominant communication and high-warmth enough to help her save face. I
effectively negotiated for the relationship. Had I shown myself to be a weak,
passive value-taker, she likely would’ve given a hard “no,” and possibly been
right to do so.
Now, I believe you don’t need to hit back to come out of it on top. You can
adjust the way others view what the hurtful person says and does to help keep
your status. You can actually influence the lens through which people view
a situation so you can look good where you might have otherwise looked
“weak.”
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Here are some ways how.
1. Frame Ignoring (i.e., Ignore It)
Ignoring works well in a multitude of situations. For that reason, we might
consider it the “all-season workhorse” of frame control.
I’d go as far as to recommend whenever you don’t know what to say or do,
ignore it and/or move on.
Not because it’s always the best technique, of course, but because even when
ignoring is not the best option, it often limits the damage. If you do it well, it
often makes you seem superior.
For example, imagine some guy is trying to mess with you by a pool. This is
the exchange that takes place.
Him: “Hey dude, did you borrow your swimsuit from your grandma or what?”
You: (Glances in his general direction) “Hey man, what’s up?”
Then, turn away and ignore them.
Notice from this example that “ignoring” refers to ignoring the frame (the
implied frame here being that you have a poorly fashioned swimsuit). It’s not
necessarily about ignoring the individual.
Frame ignoring doesn’t really mean that you pretend nobody said or did anything. You often want to acknowledge the individual while ignoring the frame.
Ignoring something you obviously heard or saw can look weird on your part
and can sub-communicate that you’re panicking and don’t know what to do.
DO THIS:
Look in their general direction, make very brief eye contact, nod up,
and acknowledge they said something. But, ignore the actual content of
what they said.
Then, go back to what you were doing (even if that was just staring into space).
Ignoring is a great technique, but it’s also much more than only a technique.
It’s a mindset and an approach to life (as well as life success and pleasure).
If you want to achieve anything worthwhile in life, you need to focus on a few
important things. That also means you must ignore a bunch of other things
that take your time and focus away.
The same applies to people. The higher-value you become, the less time you
will have for everyone. Once you join the top 10 percent, the lower 90 percent
are less likely to give to someone they feel already has a lot of value and are
more likely to take because you have a lot of value to potentially give them.
That means that you must de-prioritize a lot of people in your life.
That’s why sometimes you see stars hiding away and just ignoring everyone.
Almost every random guy is taking from them. It’s not meanness, it’s just
effectiveness. As you become higher-value, everyone gains value from your
work, including the vast majority of people (the 90 percent who aren’t yet at
the top with you).
Also, ignoring allows you to soar higher. Overreacting or letting anyone drag
you down into a nasty “frame battle” is the equivalent of allowing them to
drag you down to the bottom with them and pin you there.
If the frame was a social attack like in the example above, ignoring the attacker
completely might make him feel like he needs to up his aggression to get your
attention, and that might lead to a vicious cycle of escalation.
When you ignore them, their frames, or the nastiest part of their frames, you
soar higher.
Instead, ignore their frame without completely ignoring the person.
Ignoring can also be used to ignore an accusation and unkind tone from an
angry aggressor.
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For example, imagine someone says, “This is so idiotic. How can you even
come up with such crap?”
You can also use this “frame-refusal technique” when someone uses an inappropriate tone.
A good technique is to avoid the word “I,” which makes it about you. Instead,
respond with, “Wow, you seem really angry, man. You must feel very strongly
about this.”
Imagine for example they are being disrespectful toward you. Their implied
frame would be that they can speak to you disrespectfully and you have to
accept it. And, instead of getting dragged into that poor, disempowering
frame, you openly tell them that you will not entertain their words until they
can speak to you more respectfully.
Compare that with how most people would reply, such as, “I am not an idiot.”
When you keep it with “you” instead, staying factual and unemotional, you
keep the anger issue with them, and you stay away from their anger-fueled
frame.
2. Refuse (i.e., “Keep Your Hands Clean”)
The effects of this method are similar to frame ignoring in the sense that you
never entertain their frame.
The difference is that, rather than ignoring it, you either:
•
•
Refuse to enter their frame with open and direct verbal refusal, or
Refuse to enter their frame through your actions
For example, one way you can use the “refuse” frame control technique is by
refusing to answer. Say, you’re in an interview and the interviewer asks, “Do
you believe in God?”
The implied frame is that you should reply to their questions and have an
opinion on whatever they ask you. But, that’s a frame that disempowers you
because it takes away your freedom to decide for yourself what you will and
will not do or talk about.
So, you can respond by saying, “This is a topic that I’d rather not get into right
now.” And, in refusing their frame that way, you set a new one. You can choose
what to reply to, and, right now, you choose not to answer this question.
You’re not ignoring the frame like before, but by refusing it, you’re still avoiding getting yourself dragged into it.
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You refuse their frame and set your own—that you are worthy of fair treatment and respectful communication.
3. Framing Buffet (i.e., Pick What Suits You Best)
The frame-buffet technique consists of picking and choosing something
within people’s frame that best suits your frame control goals.
When other people’s frames get heated or personal, our natural tendency is
to reply to what grabbed the most attention and/or to what hurt the most.
It takes emotional fortitude to remain unreactive and lucid, and pick instead
what’s most conducive to your goals. This is how emotionally strong people
control the frame.
From a frame control point of view, remaining unaffected grants you the
power to decide whether to reply at all (“frame ignoring”) or what to reply to
(“frame buffet”).
For example, if someone attacks you, you can ignore the aggressive packaging
of their frame and choose not to defend. Instead, you can address the content
of their frame as if it were a normal comment.
Or, more than picking what part of their comment to respond to, you can
even pick the meaning that you prefer.
As an example from a recent episode in Lucio’s life, he was working out in the
gym in a very hot country one day and had removed his shoes. But, using the
gym without shoes was against their policy. So, when a gym employee walked
in, this is what happened.
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Employee: “Where are your shoes, sir?”
Lucio: “Oh, hey, hi. Yes, I put them there.” (Points to his shoes)
What the employee meant was, “You’re not wearing your shoes, and you must
have them on.”
So, if Lucio would’ve answered the correct meaning, there would only be one
course of action: to wear his shoes and kill his feet in the sweltering heat.
Instead, he answered the question literally, and with some high-confidence
tonality and body language, that’s where it ended58.
Also, notice the “hi, yes,” which is a “bridge.” It increases warmth and maintains rapport. And promptly answering the gym employee and pointing to
the shoes protects his power as the one in charge. As if to say, “Yes, I see you,
I acknowledge you and your authority to inquire about the shoes, and I’m
answering to you right away.”
Also notice that when Lucio points to the shoes and says “there,” the sub-communication is “I did bring them, they’re here, close by, I walked in with them,”
and it implies “I just took them off.”
This should already tell you a lot about the intricacies of power dynamics,
frame control, and compliance as well as your opportunities to influence the
world by improving your social skills.
There can be a bridge between reality and what you want reality to be.
Empowering yourself with advanced social skills is empowering yourself to
walk across that bridge.
Now, technically, Lucio is still not fully complying, but by phrasing it the
way he did, it seems like a smaller deal, and it’s far more respectful to the
employee.
58
This is why during the COVID-19 pandemic of 2020, people who wore their
masks below their noses or even on their neck still got far more leeway than
people who wore no masks at all. It’s because the former, albeit equally useless
as no mask at all, still feels “closer to compliance” and is more power-protecting for the authorities.
As Lucio said, mask-wearing was sadly sometimes more about power dynamics and compliance than actual health.
4. Reframe (i.e., Change the Meaning)
“Reframing” consists of changing the meaning of an event, action, or expression. In simpler terms, you reinterpret the frame in a way that it changes the
meaning and consequences of that frame.
An example is worth a thousand words, so here’s one from Lucio, straight
from his perspective in Power University.
I exchanged numbers with a match on a dating app, and it took
some back and forth before she got it right.
So as soon as she managed to find me on WhatsApp, she told me
that I “gave her the wrong number” and used an eye-rolling emoji.
What use do I have for that frame? Absolutely none.
Not only is it a useless, drag-down complaint (which is a small
strike against her), but it’s also a potentially dangerous frame. You
don’t want to descend into a competitive battle as to who’s fault
something is early on in an interaction, because early interactions
are very fragile.
So, I responded by saying, “And, we still managed to connect in
spite of it. I think it’s destiny,” with a smiling emoji. I changed the
This is more specifically referred to as the “frame changing technique: change the
meaning of the frame.”
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meaning from “someone did something wrong” to “in spite of a mistake, we still found each other…It’s destiny.”
59
She responded with a laugh and a happy emoji that kept our interaction positive and moving in the right direction.
Lucio says it’s a cheeky move that’s more on the playful side.
You don’t need the exact same words or style, but you can learn from the
approach around frame control. In this case, going from confrontational to
collaborative win-win.
4.2. Reframe (i.e., Change the Question)
Another way of reframing is to change the question someone asks you.
When someone asks you a question with an implied bad frame, you can choose
not to answer that question but instead ask yourself a new question that’s
somewhat similar to what they initially asked but that better suits your needs.
For example, imagine that, at a loud party, this exchange takes place between
a girl and a guy.
Girl: “Where are you from?”
Guy: “Heaven.”
Girl: (With a straight-faced attitude) “Do people say things like that
to people?”
Guy: “When they’re joking around and flirting sometimes. Yes.”
Girl: “Has that worked in the past?”
Guy: “As in, has it amused me in the past? Yes.”
59
Note from the Authors: This works here because she expended lots of effort to find
Lucio’s correct number, so her interest was already “proven.” Otherwise, talking about
“destiny” too early gives too much interest or power away.
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The initial question implied that he is gaming and chasing girls, a bad frame.
And, whether he replied “yes” or “no” to that question, he would have remained
within that frame.
So, instead, he asks himself a new and better question that sets a much better
frame for him. That new frame implies that he is not gaming and chasing girls,
but that he is just out to have some fun.
That’s some great question reframing.
5. Philosopher’s Frame (i.e., Make Your Frame Too General to Be Attacked)
This is one of my absolute favorite frame control techniques. If you do this
well, you (almost) can’t lose.
The philosopher’s frame is unassailable because it stays away from strong commitments and refuses to be forced into labels or black and white boxes.
Here’s an example:
Someone: “The foreigners come to our country and take our jobs. It is our
country, we must secure our borders, and we should have more rights.”
You: “I don’t know man. Some say that a country is an imaginary line that
shifts around over time, and they have a point. People have been moving
around the world, countryless, for millions of years. It’s hard to say who
truly belongs anywhere if we go back long enough.”
You refuse the frame, and you embrace a rather liberal political line that is
about “freedom of movement.” At the same time, you also avoid strong commitments such as “no, they bring value,” which would both break more rapport and be harder to defend. And you share general truths that make your
frame hard to attack.
If he wants to continue debating you from that point, it’s now up to him to
define “what it means to belong,” which is challenging, or to deny that people
have been moving around for millions of years, which is indisputable.
Let’s take another example, on the opposite side of the political spectrum.
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Someone: “If people complain that immigrants are stealing their jobs, it
means they’re really bad at their jobs.”
disagreeing by communicating understanding. Then, I redirected the conversation away from being about the refund and toward being about their business relationship, which was more of a win-win frame for that situation.
You: “Well, on one hand you’re right. But, it depends on who we’re talking
about. Highly skilled workers will be OK indeed, and some owners will
even gain. But, people lower in socio-economic status tend to suffer more
from labor competition. When everyone can do a certain task and more
people chase the same jobs, that weakens the laborers’ negotiating power
and puts downward pressure on salaries.”
In my celebrity meet-up example, I used the “exception-seeking” frame control technique. Once again, rather than contradicting the gatekeeper by saying, “No, you should let me in,” I avoided disagreeing by communicating
understanding. I didn’t contradict her but simply asked if she could make
an exception.
Now you’re taking a conservative stance against his liberal stance.
But, again, you’re not saying outright you’re against immigration or that
immigration is bad for the locals. And you’re not attacking him directly saying that he’s a limousine liberal and it’s easy for him to say that from his
comfy penthouse.
You make it instead about the general concept of supply and demand, which,
again, is very hard to refute. He has no easy way to dismantle your stance or
prove you wrong because you share a general, proven truth that also sounds
sensible and well thought through.
The philosopher frame also allows you to disagree while maintaining rapport.
Clinical psychologist, Jordan Peterson, often uses different forms of philosopher’s frames. That technique is one of the reasons why, for a period of time
during his ascent to fame and notoriety, Peterson escaped labels and could
reach many different people, including conservatives and liberals alike.
6. Win-Win Frames (i.e., Moving for Win-Win)
Coming back around from my story about the lead-generation partner company and my cleaning company, that was a win-win type of frame. Winwin frames are part of the basic strategies for social, business, and general
life success.
In that example, I used the “agree and redirect” frame control technique to
negotiate for a win-win. Rather than saying, “No, you’re wrong,” I avoided
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Indeed, a great persuader rarely contradicts their target. Rather, they effectively negotiate by strategically agreeing whenever possible.
Now that we’ve covered win-win frames in business, let’s see a win-win frame
done well in a relationship example.
In Lucio’s course teaching advanced social skills,60 a student of his wanted
some advice on a tricky situation. Someone with a poor attitude and character
tried to frame him as needy in front of his girlfriend.
This negative person (who we could call a “value-taker” since, at its most
fundamental of the definition, he’s making someone’s life worse off with his
behavior) said to the student’s girlfriend, “Oh my God, he is so romantic and
does so many things for you. For most couples, it would be considered really
needy, but it’s great to see how you take care of her so much.”
Do you see what this value-taker did there? Notice that he mentions that the
boyfriend’s behavior is generally considered needy and that he’s doing most
(if not all) of the giving in his relationship. The value-taker never says a word
about any of the giving his girlfriend might be doing. So, that makes it look
like the boyfriend is the kind of person who tolerates and accepts win-lose
relationships that leave him drained. It frames him as the type of person who
60
You can get a free preview of the course this book is based on, Power University, at
The Power Moves: https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/
power-university-welcome-lesson/.
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lets value-takers into his life and—as harsh as this may sound—is so needy he
maintains that costly relationship with his “leech” of a girlfriend.61
unacceptable,” no matter what. There can be no negotiation, no compromise,
no win-win—my way, or get out of my way.
The speaker is taking value by making this boyfriend look like a weak and
needy individual who accepts unhealthy relationships. Remember that, in the
long run, win-lose relationships where one is only taking and the other is
doing all of the giving are unhealthy, as we briefly discussed in Chapter One.
Accepting and staying in win-lose relationships is low-value behavior.
The first time someone crosses an important boundary of yours is when it’s
most important that you enforce your frame the strongest. Any compromise
early on by letting them “win” at all would leave the door open for future
abuse and disrespect. Later on, once they step back, get defensive, and apologize, you can discuss your “rules of engagement.”
So, here’s how the boyfriend could respond: “Actually, that’s not true at all. We
both do a lot for each other, and that’s why I like her.”
H O W TO I M P O S E YO U R F R A M E
The “that’s not true at all” starts out with a flat-out denial, puts his foot down,
and grabs attention. Then, the last line re-establishes a healthy win-win. It
self-frames him as the type of high-value person who filters for value-giving
people in his life.
1. First, make sure you’re not defending an indefensible position.
Now, we said that win-win frames, whenever they are possible to achieve,
tend to be superior for your life success. However, unfortunately, you will not
always be able to go for win-win. And, sometimes, you shouldn’t.
Let’s see an example.
As you saw from the previous example, your response was a win for the student and a win for his relationship partner. But, it was not so much a win for
the person who was trying to make him look bad.
These are some of the situations when you want to impose your frame:
–
–
–
–
–
You know for a fact you’re right (and someone is trying to prove
you wrong).
Someone is accusing you of a non-existent wrongdoing.
The frame is a trap (a set-up meant to hurt you).
Someone is crossing your boundaries.
Someone is being abusive.
For example, Lucio says that being called offensive names is a boundary of his.
And he will keep holding and imposing the frame that “calling me names is
61
Some positions are indefensible because of taboos, public opinion, or cultural
climate. You’re only hurting yourself by sticking to your guns in indefensible positions.
In Italy, the political system cracked under a wave of corruption scandals in
the 1990s. Former prime minister Bettino Craxi was the biggest figure in the
mess because evidence had begun to emerge that Craxi had pocketed large
sums of money. And what did he do?
He held the frame that he didn’t do anything wrong by stealing because “everyone else was doing it.” And then he went on frame imposing and refused to
ever apologize or accept any of the blame—he even said that it was “a matter
of principle.”
That was a bad strategy and, with anti-political sentiment at its peak, a very
poor time for imposing the frame that “you’re not guilty of corruption if
everyone else is also corrupt.” And indeed, he became the poster child of a
corrupt and entitled political class, a true lightning rod for people’s anger and
rage. When he was brought to court, anti-riot police were necessary to defend
him from the people’s anger.
Some people aptly call this attitude “white-knighting.”
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2. Deny the attacker’s authority over you.
To wrap up on this chapter, here’s a summary.
If the attacker is trying to judge you, you’d better reject their authority as
a judge.
•
You can’t win the frame battle if you allow them the authority to question
you, judge you, or take a “moral high ground” over you. If they become an
authority over you, you lose.
•
So, attack their authority.
•
For example, when Trump defended against his infamous “grabbing comment,” he barely defended at all.
Instead, he attacked Hillary Clinton for offering her legal services to rapists
and attacked Bill Clinton for doing far worse—and the frame was that of
words versus actions.
That was very effective because it undermined the moral authority of the
Clintons. In many people’s minds, what Trump said was not cool, but Hillary
couldn’t manage to lead that charge because she didn’t have the authority anymore. So she gained very little points from Trump’s woes.
•
Here are your action steps.
Action Steps:
#1. Practice the mindsets in this chapter to avoid reacting to people’s frames.
Practice internalizing beliefs that empower you to respond to people’s frames
rather than react (or, worse, overreact) to their frames.
Ditch your current programming and install the following beliefs:
By the way, this is true both from an actual power dynamics point of view
and a mental point of view. You must reject their authority first and foremost
within yourself. As the old saying goes, “If there is no enemy within, the
enemy outside can do us no harm.”
•
•
•
3. Remain rock solid and don’t budge.
You must believe you are right, and that’s why you are not going to yield.
There are over 27 more frame control techniques you can use to persuade
others and assert respectful communication from others. You can find some of
those in the free guides in the footnotes of this chapter.
With that said, you already have the core of what you need to know to get
started on your journey to being a higher-power individual. You’re wellequipped to ace frames and get what you want out of life.
126 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
A frame is a lens through which people view the world and, more
importantly for you and this book, social situations.
You can influence the lens people look through so they see you in a
better light (so they see you as higher power).
You can also influence people’s lenses so they see giving you a “yes” as
a win for them.
Frame control techniques can be used for negotiating business deals,
relationship situations, and any opportunity for persuading others.
Go from, “I need to answer to people,” to, “No, I can ignore everything as I please.”
Go from, “I need to respond to what someone said,” to, “No, if someone
speaks nonsense, I can ignore, pick and choose, or set my own frame.”
Go from, “I need to match the mood of my speaking partner,” to,
“No, I can answer from my current state or bring my speaking partner
to my state.”
#2. Study the 10 common frame control techniques at The Power Moves.62
This free article is particularly useful because Lucio shares some real-life examples in it.
62
You can get a free, in-depth guide to the 10 frame control techniques to out-frame
anyone at The Power Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/frame-control/.
T H E S O C I A L S T R AT E G I S T
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The examples, including videos, help you internalize this all-important skill of
frame control and frame negotiations.
As always, you’re welcome to share those ten techniques with your peers,
friends, or team.
Next, after your action steps, we’ll be wrapping up with the final chapter!
You’ve come so far, I hope you’re rewarding yourself along the way—it’s
important not only for your momentum and self-motivation but for your
own personal well-being and mental health (something we strongly encourage
you to take care of ).
CHAPTER 6
NEXT STEPS
So, reward yourself, complete the action steps, and we’ll see you at the finish line.
You can smile knowing how much new empowering wisdom you’ve learned
and, hopefully, are already applying and internalizing!
To recap, we started this journey by learning about the social exchange. That’s
where we learned that (social) value is anything that makes or has the potential to make us better off. And, we want to add people to our lives who give
value and consider removing or avoiding anyone who takes value.
Then, in Chapter Two, we learned about assertiveness. We learned that assertive people are typically viewed as higher-value, and we covered how to be
more assertive as well as the mindsets and beliefs to internalize assertiveness
and make it second nature.
After that, we covered the stereotype content model in Chapter Three where
we talked about being high-power and high-warmth because those are the
types of people who tend to be the most socially successful—not to mention
successful in life in general and happier. They’re the type of people everyone
wants to be around.
In Chapter Four, we went over covert power moves and how, when they’re
used on you negatively and you don’t address them, they can push you down
into the low-power bracket, oftentimes making you look weak while the
power mover looks “better” than you. The more damaging the covert power
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129
move, the further into the low-power bracket you go and the more you want
to address that power move with one of the techniques we shared.
Finally, we covered frame control. We talked about using frame control to
persuade and negotiate as well as to address covert power moves from value-taking individuals. It was the frame control chapter where we showed you
how and when to move for win-win, as well as how you can get more out of
life with practical, applicable frame control techniques.
That final chapter is also where you might’ve noticed that the “everything
in life can be negotiated” quote rings all the more true.63 Every strategy and
action step you’ve picked up in this book is aimed at negotiating your power
with others so you can become higher-power and get more out of life.
Now that you have the foundational advanced social skills to get more out
of life and your relationships, you can take it a step further by checking out
Lucio’s website, The Power Moves.64 There, he summarizes thousands of studies into practical strategies for raising your social status, getting high-quality
romantic partners, and reaching new financial heights of wealth. If you ever
wished to join the top one percent of society, his free guides and training on
social strategies are for you.
If, on the other hand, you’re comfortable with how much you’ve learned from
this book and now want to continue forward by moving beyond social skills
and more toward social strategies to network with the world’s elites, pick up
a free chapter of my bestselling book on strategic business networking, The
Clever Connector Second Edition.65
63
64
65
You can get free examples and case studies of how the strategies in this book have
been used to win more negotiations at The Power Moves: https://thepowermoves.com/
forum/topic/how-power-intelligence-helped-you-in-life-concrete-examples/.
You can get a free preview of the course this book is based on, Power University, at
The Power Moves: https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/
power-university-welcome-lesson/.
You can get a free chapter of The Clever Connector Second Edition at The Clever
Connector website: https://thecleverconnector.com/all-guides/.
130 L U C I O B U F F A L M A N O A N D A L I S C A R L E T T
Ultimately, the biggest takeaway for this book is to become both high-value
and high-power. Then, on top of being powerful, you want to make sure
you’re being warm and smooth. Do that, and you’ll reach social success. That’s
exactly what we help our students do through our programs.
E A S Y, A C T I O N A B L E S C R I P T S
If you still feel a bit lost on how to win more of your negotiations in life outside of personal relationships, don’t worry. Right now, we’re going to give you
some final, easy, actionable scripts you can use right away to get your dream
job and score a full refund.
Let’s start with the first one—scripts to get your dream job.
Often, most of the negotiating power in a job interview rests with the hiring
manager. That’s because there are many applicants who want the job and only
one job available. The hiring manager is the gatekeeper, and he is screening
everybody to pick the best candidate. That makes him the higher-value party
in the interaction.
That’s why, when Lucio interviewed for jobs, he often dropped hints or outright stated that he didn’t really need a job (which is high power), but that
he liked what he saw in their ad and/or about their company (which is highwarmth). That always helped him to rebalance the power in the negotiation
and also increased the odds they’d want him.
A good power position for job seekers to be in while they’re interviewing is
to already have a job. That automatically says you don’t need one. You might
want one, but you don’t strictly need it.
S AY T H I S :
“Actually, I’m happy where I’m staying, I’m fast tracked to take more
responsibility, and I think we’re going to do great things. But I also love
what you guys are doing here, especially the XYZ you’ve done. So, I
figured it wouldn’t hurt to talk.”
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With this script, you put the hiring manager in a position where they need to
woo you away, and you also set a win-win frame. It now seems like a win for
you to get the job while it’s also a win for them to get a candidate who seems
driven, independent, and high-power.
Interviewing at several companies at the same time and letting the interviewer
know you are doing so is also a good idea for the exact same reason: it decreases
your need for the job, and it boosts your power.
Now, how do you respond to trap questions in the interview? For example, let’s
say your interviewer asks, “What will you do to grow our business,” “fix this
problem,” “implement this solution,” or any other question resembling that.
Well, for starters, beware of this—it might be a trap question because it
prompts you to share your plan and strategies while they acquire very valuable
intel and, often, give nothing back. They sometimes move on to interview
more candidates and extract more juicy information from them too.
So, the effective social strategist’s plan would be to avoid giving everything
away until you get something back. But, of course, you can’t just say, “I’m not
going to share that now.” That would make the interviewer suspicious of you,
and you’d waste an opportunity to display your skills.
One of the strategies Lucio shares to deal with trap questions like this one is
to give something, frame it as only one thing you would do, and then frame it
once again as “just one thing you’d go for.” Basically, the sub-communication
is, “I’m only giving you 10% here, there’s 10 times more where that came
from.” Then, pass the microphone back to them, so you don’t get grilled while
also getting their intel.
S AY T H I S :
“Well, having done something similar before, I have a few different
ideas in mind [this is your first hint of you holding a valuable bag for
them]. Of course, I’d first have to get more details about your company [a great frame—so if you say something wrong, you’ve already
‘pre-framed’ it as you not having the full information yet].
For example, one of the things I’d consider [insert one of your ideas,
plans, or strategies here].
That is just one thing I’d consider doing. Then I’ve got a few more
ideas depending on the details of your business [which sub-communicates, ‘Don’t keep grilling me, I’m not going to share everything easily unless you also share some juicy details’]. And of course, much of
it is about the execution [sub-communicates, ‘I’m far more than only
ideas and plans, I execute well too.’], and flawless execution is what I
like to focus on.
How about you, do you have something already in mind?”
You’ll find plenty more scripts and techniques for power negotiating if you
decide to check out Power University (and, yes, that’s us avoiding delivering all
of our value here. You can smile knowing we practice what we preach).
OK, here’s the last one. How to score a full refund.
If you remember from previous chapters, win-win is superior to win-lose
because a win-win means both parties are giving. A win-lose implies that one
gave and one took. Generally speaking, people want to win.
Well, when you want to get a refund, you want to set a win-win frame. You
want to let them know that you’re not here to only take from them (in this
case, taking your money back). You’re giving as well.
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133
S AY T H I S :
“Look man, from what I’m seeing, I like you and your products, so
whether I buy here or not, I will come back in the future. But, I expect
fairness from the people I deal with. So, please be fair, and you will
gain a long-term customer.”
Now, you heard a little bit about my personal story in the introduction, but
there’s more to it than a simple “once up a time.”
After 16 years of living a normal life, I was hit with an unexpected, life-threatening illness in 2017.
The illness attacked two vital organs, and I was confined to a hospital bed
alone for months.
This is called the silver medal technique. The gold medal you would have given
them would’ve been not asking for your money back. But, since you need your
money back, you’re giving them the next best thing (the silver medal), which
is your future business.
I was an aspiring soccer player with good grades and great friends both on and
off the team.
This is the power of not delivering all your value at once. Any seller who
already has your money is thinking to themselves that there’s no incentive for
them to help you out by giving you back your money. If anything, they’d be
losing. That’s why most of them say “no.”
Then this hell happens.
But, here, you’re letting them know you haven’t delivered all of your value.
You’re reminding them of your power to give value in the future. And, if they
want your future business, they’d better be fair.
The only types of people who won’t accept this script are the people who don’t
believe in win-win (who prefer if they win in the short-term and you lose), the
people who don’t trust you yet (which might be a rational approach if you’ve
been negotiating with them competitively or aggressively up until now), and
the people who don’t have the business smarts to take care of their customers
and think long term.
This is all advanced social skills though. What’s more important than what
you say is how you say it, because speaking in a way that commands respect
and fairness holds more weight over the outcome.
You can get free examples and case studies of how the strategies in this book (and
a few strategies and techniques Lucio only teaches in his course) have been used
to win more negotiations at The Power Moves: https://thepowermoves.com/
forum/topic/how-power-intelligence-helped-you-in-life-concrete-examples/.
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Six months prior, I was living a good social life.
I had depression, suicidal thoughts, and a rage I’d never felt before.
None of my “friends” ever gave me a call or even a text in my greatest time
of need.
It felt like they’d all left me to die.
And yet, that was the greatest gift they could’ve ever given me.
You see, I wanted to live a life of happiness with the people that I cared about.
But, in reality, I really wanted to use people as my only source of happiness to
live the life that I always dreamed of.
So, when that dream was violently stripped away from me, I was forced to face
the realization that making yourself completely dependent on others for your
happiness is setting yourself up for unhappiness.
Unfortunately, though, I didn’t understand how to live a happy life without
others being a part of it.
I’d feel like a liar wearing a mask that says, “I am happy being lonely.”
I thought to myself, “You’ll only be lonely without other people, and that
loneliness will hinder your happiness.”
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But, then I discovered that I was wrong.
You’re actually helping yourself live a happier life if you make yourself independent of others, because that freedom gives you the space to embrace more
things that make your life better—your health, wealth, self-love, and fulfilling experiences.
So, I decided to create a new identity for myself, pursue personal empowerment, and seek out mentors to help me grow.
I became a servant leader, giving myself and others what no one gave me at my
lowest, darkest point in life: a helping hand.
From there, I started to see even more success. When I started one of my
first businesses, to generate leads for it, I generated over 227 connections on
LinkedIn in only two-and-a-half weeks. The phone was ringing off the hook!
In addition to that, remember the connection I lost in Chapter 2 due to my
over-assertiveness, April? I was able to implement my own networking strategy
to connect with her best friend of over 10 years, who also works within her
company, persuade her to get on a Zoom call with me, and convince her to get
her friend (April) to open up communications to me. From there, I was able to
persuade April to rejoin my network on our one-on-one Zoom call together.
Then I found Lucio’s work, and the way I socialized changed.
So, now, not only are April and I back to being contacts in each others’ networks and good friends again, April mentioned that her friend was actually
excited to talk about me after our Zoom call together. So much so that April
was also happy to talk to me again.
Lucio was already years ahead of me by that time—he had already experienced
his worst moment in life, the watershed moment that revolutionized his life.
Recently, I accepted an invitation to work with the United Nations to advance
an initiative that helps more people—which was offered to me because of April.
His work changed my life. I started gaining more fairness and respect from
others. I started winning negotiations easily, in business and in my social life.
More than that, I learned how to gain allies who had my back when I needed
them, cool friends who make my life better, and mentors who helped pull me
up to their level.
On top of that, as a side-hustle that eventually turned into a profitable business, I was able to provide coaching and consulting for business owners so they
could use business networking to grow their businesses as well. I even shared
my expertise with a start-up valued at over $100,000,000 that, at the time of
this book’s writing, is emerging as a top alternative to LinkedIn.
It was after I studied Lucio’s work that I realized I wanted to be able to reach
and connect with anyone in the world, no matter how high up the social ladder they might be. To do that, I needed to combine the advanced social skills
I learned from Lucio with something else. I needed social strategies to network
with high-value people like celebrities, executives, and billionaires.
Finally—what’s most important to me—I was able to publish my own bestselling book and donate its first six weeks of profits to the hospital that saved
my life, to support the ones who pulled me from the brink of death.
But I still lacked sufficient skills in the power dynamics department.
So, I took everything I’d learned from Lucio and applied it to finding and getting mentors who were professional sociologists, applied psychology researchers, and leading business networking experts. I studied their strategies and was
even able to improve on many of their strategies by weeding out the social
mistakes only those who had studied advanced social skills and power dynamics would know.
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Even with all of Lucio’s and my successes, though, there’s one thing we both
agree on: the real win was never the “successes” themselves but the effort.
Many people build their egos on their outcomes, whether that’s getting that
girl, landing that deal, building that body they always wanted, and so on. But
we can’t always win (and if you do, let’s be honest, you may not be aiming high
enough). So, when our outcomes aren’t what we want them to be, we often
feel disappointed, sad, or worse.
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That’s why the most effective achievers don’t build their pride and self-esteem
on their outcomes. They build their pride on their effort—on going for it and
doing their best. In simply having done that, in having given their best effort,
for them, that’s a well-won victory on its own.
You can’t always win. But, you can always give your best effort. If you build
your pride and ego on that, you can always feel proud of yourself.
AFTERWORD
So, whatever it is you want in your life, go for it.
Lucio has been traveling the world, doing exactly what he loves while pioneering the field of power dynamics—of which you just got a little taste here. And,
I’m already impacting others, living my purpose exactly how I want to. We’ve
both reached a high level of fulfillment in our lives, and, given time and the
right skill sets, you can too.
The values behind The Power Moves are the same values
that inspired the creation of this book.
The relentless commitment to those values has led us to take
great strides in our impact on people who are lacking in their social lives.
The Power Moves website is pioneering novel approaches to advanced
So, whatever you want in life, go for it. And, in our own ways, we’ll be here to
support you along the way.
Godspeed.
social skills, social success, and the achievement of one’s goals. Today, it
keeps on researching, teaching, and expanding the field of social skills,
power dynamics, and social strategies.
The reason so many people come to visit ThePowerMoves.com is simple—
the advice and strategies work. It’s evidence-based, it’s field-tested, it gets
results, and there are thousands of happy students to prove it.
More than the guides and strategies, though, are the mindsets and attitudes of empowerment we encourage that help people reach new heights
in their lives. This book was built on a foundational belief of giving people
what they need to become more independent and capable of achieving
what they want in life—and that kind of power starts in the mind.
So, without hesitation, here are some of the values underpinning my website and this book’s approach to self-empowerment (these values are also
shared by Ali Scarlett and The Clever Connector website):66
66
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You can get the full list of all of the values for personal empowerment at The Power
Moves website: https://thepowermoves.com/start-here/#The_Power_Moves_Values.
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Value #1: Power starts by choosing never to be a victim.
There is no shame in being a victim when you didn’t know any better or
who are easy to control, and even good people can sometimes push your
boundaries to see what you will put up with.
couldn’t have done anything about it. However, it is immoral to stay a
Powerlessness leaves you open to abuse. Power, instead, allows you to
victim when you know you are one and you have the power to change
enter value-giving social exchanges. A world where more people seek
your position.
self-empowerment is a world with less abuse and a world where more
You might not always have the power to change right here and now, but it’s
your duty to look for a way as hard as you can—even if it might take you a
lifetime of looking (and you will almost always find a way much sooner).
Sometimes, choosing not to be a victim is about overcoming emotional
pain and wounds. In this case, it’s less about fighting and more about selflove and letting go. That is another form of empowerment.
Value #2: Seek growth rather than help.
well-meaning people can reach the top.
So, do your part and stay on your self-empowerment path.
•
The best bet for a better world is learning advanced social skills.
Learning advanced social skills (such as power dynamics) and effective
life-strategies is good for you and for the world.
That’s because the cream doesn’t naturally rise to the top. In truth, the
scum—the power-driven with no moral qualms—is more likely to reach the
Ask for all the help you need, but work on yourself while you do it.
top than the cream is.
It’s immoral to expect others to help when you aren’t also at least trying to
That also means that, for a better world, we need a more socially skilled
help yourself first. Plus, it doesn’t work. Sure, sometimes someone will res-
cream to reach the top. The kind of cream that can navigate all life situa-
cue you. Just don’t bank on it. Instead, seek to help yourself first.
tions effectively. That’s the bottom mission of both this website and its programs: equipping value-giving leaders to reach the top.
Value #3: You’re only as free as your personal and mental power allow
“Ask for a fish, and you’re back begging the next day for
another. Learn to fish, and you can even help others.”
—Lucio Buffalmano
you to be.
Freedom is both a mental and pragmatic achievement.
Practically, you can’t be free if you are overly dependent on someone to
A couple of “sub-beliefs” of this value are:
•
The best way to stop abuse is with real-world skills (advanced
social skills) and self-empowerment.
This starts with you.
Thugs actively seek the easiest victim based on looking at how they walk.
keep you in their group (or on the payroll).
Emotionally, you can’t be free if you’re overly dependent on someone to
approve of you or make you happy.
Freedom starts with personal empowerment.
•
To be truly free, you must understand your genetic programming.
Manipulators seek the most gullible people. Abusers pair up with partners
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What’s good for the selfish genes is seldom good for you—or for those
“The worst cases of ‘following orders’ without
questioning authority slaughtered millions.
The best cases only killed their souls.”
—Lucio Buffalmano
around you.
You cannot be free unless you first learn how your unconscious drives are
pushing you around.
“Let us understand what our own
selfish genes are up to, because we may then at least
have the chance to upset their designs.”
—Richard Dawkins, The Selfish Gene
Another sub-belief:
•
Empower yourself to effectively question authority.
Power requires checks and balances to make sure it stays fair.
Those checks and balances are only possible with the followers’ own
Value #4: You’re only as virtuous as your personal power allows you to be.
empowerment.
This is something that clinical psychologist, Jordan Peterson, often says
It’s your duty to analyze and correctly assess the quality of your superiors.
and that we wholeheartedly agree with. Peterson also says that a harmless
The world will only go slower and worse if the quality of your superior is
man can’t be virtuous.
lacking and if you keep following unworthy leaders.
It’s the power of choosing your favorite course of actions that under-
If you find your leader unworthy, it’s your duty to find a way out (or vote
pins virtue.
them out, or overthrow them).
Individuals without the power and strength to make their own decisions
“A poor leader’s dream is a disempowered and naive follower.”—Lucio
cannot be virtuous.
Buffalmano
Value #5: Don’t necessarily fight authority, but it’s your duty to assess it
Value #6: Before you join any group, walk and grow as an individual.
and question it.
To empower yourself, you may have to walk alone—as an individual—before
Virtue doesn’t automatically come with power.
joining any group.
Many individuals in power will want you to do and believe what benefits
Evade social policing, seek your answers from the most dissimilar sources,
them, not you or the greater good.
and escape any ideology-based group.
In business, the world’s narcissists and sociopaths are counting on you to
It’s easier said than done, of course. And, that’s the whole point.
close your eyes to their moral failures and to exchange your freedom for
their success. Organized evil is only possible thanks to followers’ compliant, cooperative execution.
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If you don’t, you can rest assured that someone will try to make you
walk their path. And, again, that’s not always the path that better serves
your interests.
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After you find yourself, join others to increase your leverage.
“You will never find your unique voice if you’re always too
busy singing to someone else’s tune.”
—Lucio Buffalmano
Value #7: Fly higher than the turkeys and their petty games.
The eagle of The Power Moves website represents the final stage of a
Read More!
Want another book to sink your teeth
(or, maybe eyes) into? You can grab the free, in-depth guide
to get connections and grow your business by going to
https://thecleverconnector.com/all-guides/!
high-quality, effective, socially skilled man or woman.
When you first enter the world of advanced social skills (and especially
when you start learning power dynamics), you’ll start to see a lot of games
and power moves. It’s easy to get caught up in them and feel slighted,
angry, wanting to get your revenge and “show them” for treating you this
way for so long. And that’s totally fair. And, sometimes, even the most
appropriate reaction.
However, eventually, you want to reach a point where you start seeing the
game “from above.” What The Power Moves generally moves towards is an
approach that is “superior” and “above” the “little petty games” the turkeys
play (hence the “eagle” visual).
You want to grow to a place where you can see the games but you’re not
overly worried or bothered by them. If anything, you’re disappointed by the
game players.
Of course, you will intervene if it’s truly disempowering you—that’s part of
being an effective individual. But, otherwise, you go through life viewing
and treating all those games like water off a duck’s back. You see the game,
but you look at the turkey from above and think, “what a turkey,” as you fly
higher in life.
Keep soaring, my friend.
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BIBLIOGRAPHY
Buffalmano, Lucio. “Covert Power Moves (&
How to Handle Them).” The Power Moves, June
16, 2021. https://thepowermoves.com/courses/
power-university/lessons/social-skills-advanced/
topic/covert-power-moves-how-to-handle-them/.
Buffalmano, Lucio. “Evil: Inside Human Violence and Cruelty—Summary.”
The Power Moves, August 20, 2019. https://thepowermoves.com/evil-insidehuman-violence-and-cruelty/.
Buffalmano, Lucio. “Evolutionary Psychology (6th Edition): Notes &
Review.” The Power Moves, December 16, 2019. https://thepowermoves.
com/evolutionary-psychology-by-david-buss/.
Buffalmano, Lucio. “Frames 101: Understanding Frames.” The Power Moves,
June 16, 2021. https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/
frames-101-understanding-frames/.
Buffalmano, Lucio. “How the Social Exchange Theory Can Get You the
Network of Your Dreams (Part 1 of 2).” The Clever Connector, January 5,
2022. https://thecleverconnector.com/social-exchange-theory-part-one/.
Buffalmano, Lucio. “How to Be Assertive.” The Power Moves, June 16, 2021.
https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/assertiveness/
topic/how-to-be-assertive/.
Buffalmano, Lucio. “How to Make Women Compliment You (Dating for
Men).” The Power Moves, August 27, 2020. https://thepowermoves.com/
forum/topic/how-to-make-women-compliment-you-dating-for-men/.
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Buffalmano, Lucio. “Micro-Aggressions & Social Calibration.” The Power
Moves, June 16, 2021. https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/
lessons/social-skills-advanced/topic/micro-aggressions-social-calibration/
#What_Is_A_Microaggression.
Buffalmano, Lucio. “Passive/Submissive. Pros, Cons, & Strategies.” The Power
Moves, June 16, 2021. https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/
lessons/assertiveness/topic/passive-submissive-pros-cons-strategies/#The_
Strategic_Uses_Of_Submission.
Buffalmano, Lucio. “The Assertiveness Workbook: Notes & Review.”
The Power Moves, November 22, 2020. https://thepowermoves.com/theassertiveness-workbook/.
Buffalmano, Lucio. “The Definitive Dictionary of Power: Terms &
Definitions.” The Power Moves, July 27, 2020. https://thepowermoves.com/
dictionary-of-power/#Judge.
Kanazawa, Satoshi, and Jody L Kovar. “Why Beautiful People Are More
Intelligent.” Intelligence, vol. 32, no. 3 (May 2004): 227–43. https://doi.
org/10.1016/j.intell.2004.03.003.
Scarlett, Ali, and Lucio Buffalmano. The Clever Connector: The Easiest Way
to Become Powerful, Regardless of Your Situation. The Underdog’s Guide to
Networking with Billionaires, Celebrities, and Executives. 1st ed., 2020.
“Stereotype Content Model.” Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation, November
10, 2011. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stereotype_content_model.
Tornquist, Michelle, and Dan Chiappe. “Effects of Humor Production,
Humor Receptivity, and Physical Attractiveness on Partner Desirability.”
Evolutionary Psychology, vol. 13, no. 4 (October 12, 2015). https://doi.
org/10.1177/1474704915608744.
Buffalmano, Lucio. “The Dictator’s Handbook: 3 Steps to Being a Dictator.”
The Power Moves, September 9, 2019. https://thepowermoves.com/thedictators-handbook/.
Buffalmano, Lucio. “Winning Body Language by Mark Bowden: Summary &
Review.” The Power Moves, October 18, 2017. https://thepowermoves.com/
winning-body-language-summary/.
Buffalmano, Lucio. “Women: Never Say ‘I Know My Value.’” The Power
Moves, October 5, 2020. https://thepowermoves.com/forum/topic/womennever-say-i-know-my-value/#postid-2964.
Fiske, Susan T., Amy J. Cuddy, Peter Glick, and Jun Xu. “A Model of
(Often Mixed) Stereotype Content: Competence and Warmth Respectively
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and Social Psychology, vol. 82, no. 6 (2002): 878–902. https://doi.org/10.
1037/0022-3514.82.6.878.
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ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Lucio Buffalmano is a sociologist, entrepreneur, and avid researcher of
human nature.
His website, thepowermoves.com, distills thousands of scientific studies
into practical strategies for acquiring power, mates, and riches. Everything
is science-backed, real-world-tested, and proven to work by thousands of
his students.
You can get a variety of free, in-depth tutorials and resources at thepowermoves.
com/resources-list.
You can also connect with Lucio on his forum at thepowermoves.com/forum
or on the other open platforms under his name.
Lucio turned his passion for social research, power dynamics, and social strategies into a business and is living a life of freedom.
151
He obtained his master’s degree from La Sapienza, Department of
Communication and Social Research, in 2011. And, he started championing
his novel approach to self-development and social skills in 2017.
https://www.facebook.com/ThePowerMoves/
https://www.instagram.com/the_power_moves/
https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePowerMoves/
https://twitter.com/The_Power_Moves
https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-power-moves
Ali Scarlett is a #1 national bestselling author, entrepreneur, and avid researcher
of the science of networking.
His website, thecleverconnector.com, summarizes research on business networking. Everything is practical and applicable.
You can get a variety of free, effective resources and recommendations at
thecleverconnector.com/guides.
You can also connect with Ali on Instagram @iamaliscarlett.
Ali is an enthusiastic (but terrible) pool player and will occasionally make a
mean Jamaican-style dish.
He has also studied the likes of professional sociologists, applied psychology
researchers, and other business networking experts when defining his methods.
Ali’s education and experience have provided many opportunities for him to
give back. To help himself and others achieve personal empowerment, Ali
uses helpful information as the pathway to achieving more—by applying and
sharing all of the wisdom he acquires as a lifelong student of personal and
professional development.
https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/20723698.Ali_Scarlett
https://instagram.com/iamaliscarlett
https://www.linkedin.com/in/ali-scarlett
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Review Ask
We believe your feedback would help make
future versions of this book better.
So, if you want to, head on over to Amazon (or wherever you
purchased this book) to let us know what you learned, how your
social life is improving, and what you want to learn next.
We read every review, and we’d be very grateful for your feedback
because your thoughts matter—and you’d be doing us a huge favor.
But, it’s completely up to you.
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