Poor Communication Couple
Introduction:
A Family Systems approach to counseling, puts forward that with careful observation
there are predictable patterns which are critical to psychological understanding and,
therefore, useful to the therapeutic process. As a pioneer of the family systems
approach, Bowen describes that families function as emotional systems (Creech, R. R.,
2019). Reconciling Bowen's theory approach in therapy means monitoring emotional
systems and how individual’s emotional capacities are attending to and reacting to all
others in the system all the time (Creech, R. R., 2019., p. 16). Moreover, Bowen theory
helps therapists to determine possible areas of practices which critically influence the
complex emotional interactions of individual family members that in turn, affects the
overall health of the emotional system. Bowen theory does this by putting forward eight
interlocking concepts; emotional triangles, the scale of differentiation, Family Emotional
Process, Multigenerational Transmission Process, Family Projection Process, Sibling
position, Emotional Cutoff and Societal Process.
The uniqueness of pastoral counselling lies not in the problems it addresses, but in its
goals. If the main goal of pastoral counselling is to facilitate spiritual growth, then
pastoral counsellors are charged with the task of helping people see who they are in
Christ, and the inherent value that comes with that spiritual identity (Benner, 2003, p.
36). Integrating Family System therapy, specifically Bowen Theory and concepts, in
Pastoral Counseling therapy, requires a strong theological understanding of family and
relationships. In turn, the approach for this case study mirrors the theological stance of
Balswick, J. O., & Balswick, J. K. (2007) who base their understanding of family
relationships on relationality within the Holy Trinity and throughout the Old and New
Testament descriptions of God in relationship (Balswick, et al, 2007, p. 18).
Consequently, the logical beginning point of any family relationship is a covenant
commitment, which has unconditional love at its core. Out of the security provided by
this covenant love, grace develops. In this atmosphere of grace, family members have
the freedom to empower one another. Empowerment leads to the possibility of intimacy
among family members. Intimacy then leads back to a deeper level of covenant
commitment (Balswick, et al, 2007, p. 21). A relationships movement towards a mature
covenant (Balswick, et al, 2007) is underpinned by communication and addressing
conflict.
Nish’s case conceptualisation
John and Jane with Nish
● Poor communication
● Jane and John present claiming 'communication difficulties' as the
problem in their relationship.
● Their attempts to communicate with each other escalate quickly into
arguments.
The detailing of Jane and John’s presented issues are limited. They claim
‘communication difficulties’ as the problem in their relationship. Professional
observations from within the confines of the therapeutic relationship highlights that the
couple’s attempts to communicate with each other escalate quickly into arguments. The
conceptual approach to communication within the family systems pastoral counselling
approach as communicated by Gottman (1999, p. 108. in Errington, 2022: Interact)
stresses that the purpose of communication within this process is not to fix problems.
Instead, regulation, not resolution, is the predictor of longitudinal outcomes in
marriages. Thus, regulation should be the goal in family system’s communication.
The Family Systems approach, as informed by Bowen and Kerr (1988, in Errington,
2022: Interact), identifies marital conflict as one of the three main automatic
mechanisms which people default into as a way of relieving the anxiety or tension focus
in a relationship. The observation of John and Jane's communication escalating into
argument suggests that their case might be as Bowen and Kerr (1988, in Errington,
2022: Interact) states. Regardless, a modality of curiosity towards the normal
characteristics of the couples interactions are required. In turn, tracking and obtaining a
sequence of these interactions is suited to unpacking conflict between John and Jane.
Tracking and obtaining a sequence will support John and Jane with self-observation of
the emotional processes which take place in their interactions. Errington (2022: Journal
of Family Therapy) states “undertaking this process means the clients will use these
observations as a basis to increasingly take responsibility for self in their relationship
system and make adjustments they may deem necessary to interrupt these cycles” (p.
1). This highlights how tracking and obtaining a sequence develops communication
between couples.
Arguments arise when John and Jane attempt to communicate. As it seems that
therapeutic facilitation is needed for this couples communication, intervention is
required. The imago dialogue is one such intervention which can be used for John and
Jane. The theory behind this intervention is grounded by the notion that “couples need
to have calm, empathic conversations in order to communicate effectively. High
emotional reactivity and defensiveness get in the way of effective communication”
(Errington, 2022: Intensive resources). In turn, the intervention aims to break the dyadic
cycle pattern and create a new encounter that encourages mirroring, validation and
empathy.
The creation of a new encounter is important in motivating participation in developing
communication. Laquet (2006, p. 32-33) refers to this as reimagining your partner. He
explains that couples who are caught in a cycle of conflict, like John and Jane, often
dehumanize each other by their use of language and disposition to each other. For
example, continuous use of dialogue such as “He did this”, or “She always..”. This
eventuates to coldness in the relationship. To overcome this, couples need to begin to
see each other as allies in growth rather than as enemies in a relationship. They need
to see that they have been brought together for a purpose, rather than to view their
relationship as a mistake. This does not remove tension from the relationship. Rather, it
works to make communication safe in its tone and content. And, a progression towards,
understanding the process of communication, such as tone of voice, word of choice and
meaning, intent and effect (Errington, 2022: Interact). This process is further aided by
the imago dialogue’s containment (Laquet, 2006, p. 34). In conflict anger is often
expressed loudly or withheld. The imago dialogues will provide a structured way to
communicate anger and rage in a relationship like John and Jane’s that is safe,
acknowledged, and pushes through difficult points of communication.
Therapeutic facilitation is a key component of the imago dialogue. Therefore, relying on
the intervention for communication outside the pastoral counseling room is difficult in
different cases. For John and Jane, an intervention of communication rules is needed in
unison with the imago dialogue. “Couples need to create rules, boundaries and
expectations for communication in their relationship. This is particularly true when the
discussion becomes heated or difficult. If feelings of anger, righteousness, indignation or
sadness rise up during a conversation, then it is more likely that the rules of the game
will be broken and injuries occur” (Ripley, et al. 2014, p. 165).
As communication between John and Jane develops, the genogram as a tool can be
used to increase the understanding of the family system in relation to Bowen Theory’s
eight interlocked concepts. Bowen developed the family diagram to represent the family
as a living organism and multigenerational emotional process. A therapist will use the
family chart as a tool to outline the family lineage and identify important behavioral
issues, traumatic family events, or important life events that could influence the family’s
current dysfunction, or dysfunction of a particular individual within the family structure”
(Kerr, 2000; Nichols, 2003). This works to further increase John and Jane’s awareness
of emerging patterns and influences on their emotional system in hope that they can
identify and address issues.
Tracking and obtaining sequencing, the imago dialogue, communication rules and the
use of genograms, work to aid regulation within the relationship by developing
communication.
As
Powell
(1999,
in
Errington,
2022:
Interact)
suggests,
communication and intimacy are inextricably linked. When we increase the depth of our
communication, we increase the depth of our intimacy. This approach seamlessly
integrates into the pastoral counseling stance on relationship and family as the family
systems approach to developing communication helps to facilitate the pastoral
cousellors aim of moving towards a mature covenant simultaneously, as detailed by
Balswick, et al (2007):
The sequential change in figure 1
is depicted by an inward spiral
representing the potential for
family relationships to grow into
ever-deepening levels of mutual
commitment, grace, empowering,
and intimacy. For such growth to
take place in any relationship, there must be mutual involvement. Growth in
family relationships can be blocked or retarted when one person in the
relationship is unable or unwilling to reciprocate covenant love, grace,
empowering, or intimacy. Thus, growth relationship can come to a standstill
at any point in this cycle. Because relationships are dynamic and ever
changing, if a relationship does not spiral to deeper levels of commitment,
grace, empowering, and intimacy, it will stagnate and fixate on contract
rather than covenant, law rather than grace, possessive power rather than
empowering, and distance rather than intimacy” (p. 21-22).
The development of communication, and focus on regulation, not resolution, is key for
John and Jane to move towards a mature covenant. Developing their communication
skills provide useful steps towards stagnation and fixation of contract, law, possessive
power, and distance. Interventions encouragements on empathy, validation growth
support covenant, grace, empowerment and intimacy in John and Jane’s relationship.
In reference to the ethics of pastoral counselling in the church, the complexity of
therapeutic work can lead to the emergence of ethical dilemmas that are not clear cut
(Mcleod, 2011, p. 513). Within the context of pastoral counselling, however, the
counsellor, their therapeutic work, and personal ties, are interconnected. Thereby,
adding another layer of complexity to the mix. Being aware of these personal and
professional relationships is vital for pastoral counsellors. By doing this, it ensures the
professional consideration of ethical and moral values, as well as, the mandatory
responsibilities that come with them. As a pastoral counsellor you have both personal
and professional relationships within the church. In regard to church leadership
specifically, pastoral counsellors have the responsibility of being professional colleague,
personal friend, on top of, the role of a pastoral counsellor, as well as, the dynamic of
being opposite genders. Whilst it might be possible to do with success in terms of
spiritual growth, the professional aspect of the relationship can make moving into a
therapeutic relationship for John and Jane difficult due to interconnectedness of the
relationship. John, Jane, and Nish as the counselor must be explicitly notified sessions
must abide by church policies.
Course of therapy:
The pastoral counseling therapy plan needs to be collaborative to ensure a therapeutic
alliance is developed, whilst simultaneously being driven by the couple, John and Jane.
(Hutchinson, et al., 2008). Within it, John and Jane must have the time to explore and
draw conclusions about the communication and conflict issues which present in their
relationship with minimal direction from Nish as the therapist.
The first step of therapy is to help John and Jane talk and hear each other. Given John
and Jane’s conflict prone communication, intervention is needed. Through in-session
intervention, the imago dialogue will help John and Jane shift the ‘Imago’ of the
relationship through a new experience of communicating demonstrating they can do
things differently. Coaching John and Jane through the Imago Dialogue is a way to
show them a new way to communicate with one another (Errington, 2022: Intensive).
Time outside the counseling room must be given to John and Jane to practice and
develop their communication. To help them do this without Nish’s guidance, further
intervention is needed; Communication rules. John and Jane must create rules,
boundaries and expectations for communication in their relationship (Ripley, et al. 2014,
p. 165).
The second stage of therapy is to help John and Jane identify and break cycles of
stress between them, and others in their emotional system. Using the genogram as a
tool, and tracking and obtaining sequences as an intervention, Nish as therapist should
help John and Jane identify existing triangles and multigenerational transfers issues
(but all eight Bowen theory concepts in general). Exploring sequences together also
offers the opportunity to observe and change patterns in John and Jane’s relationship
interactions (Errington, 2022: Journal of Family Therapy).
In order to give John and Jane time to develop communication independently, therapy
sessions must be reduced. Here, the counselling room door must remain open to aid
John and Jane disarm argumentative postures, develop listening and validation if
needed. Eventually, therapy must end as John and Jane display developed resource
and communication skills.
Reference List
● Ripley, J. S., & Worthington, J. E. L. (2014). Couple therapy : A new hope-focused
approach. InterVarsity Press.
● Kerr, M. E. (2000). One Families Story: A Primer on Bowen Theory. Retrieved
January 26, 2017, from http://www.thebowencenter.org/theory/
● Creech, R. R. (2019). Reading the map : an overview of Bowen Family Systems
theory. In Family systems and congregational life : a map for ministry (pp. 13-28).
Grand Rapids : BakerAcademic.
● Balswick, J. O., & Balswick, J. K. (2007). A theological foundation for family
relationships. In The family : a Christian perspective on the contemporary home
(3rd ed.), (pp. 17-34). Grand Rapids, MI : Baker Academic.
● Hutchinson, M., Casper, P., Harris, J., Orcutt, J., & Trejo, M. (2008, July 31). THE
CLINICIAN’S GUIDE TO WRITING TREATMENT PLANS AND PROGRESS
NOTES [PDF].
● Errington, L. (2022). Topic 4: Communication and Conflict [Study notes]. THL432:
Pastoral counselling: relationship and family. Interact 2. shorturl.at/fFHW4
● Errington, L. (2022). Imago dialogue: theory and practice session. Intensive
resources. shorturl.at/gjsSX
● Luquet, W. (2006). Short-term couples therapy : The imago model in action. Taylor
& Francis Group.
● Creech, R. R. (2019). Reading the map : an overview of Bowen Family Systems
theory. In Family systems and congregational life : a map for ministry (pp. 13-28).
Grand Rapids : BakerAcademic.
● Errington, L. (2022). Tracking emotional process in relationship interactions using
sequences. Australia & New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy.
● Gottman, J. (1999). “The Sound Marital House: A Theory of Marriage” (chapter 3)
● Benner, David G. Strategic Pastoral Counseling : a Short-Term Structured Model.
Baker Academic, 2003.
● Mcleod, John, et al. Counselling Skills : a Practical Guide for Counsellors and
Helping Professionals. Open University Press, 2011.