Chapter 7: Making the Most of the Sample Personal
Statements and Commentary
Published November 2009
Read the personal statement samples in this book carefully. They are categorized
according to both structure and topic, since either can be the main organizing force.
Notice that many statements fit into multiple categories. Each statement has been
assigned a number out of ten (ten being the highest) and a letter grade, evaluating
its success based on the style and content issues discussed in Part One. Notice
that the statements with the longest lists in the category “Committee Appeal”
generally receive the highest scores. It is important to read both good examples
and bad examples of personal statements so that you know what works and what
to avoid. The commentary will help you understand the concepts and categories the
introduction discussed. Study the commentary or, better yet, come up with your
own response to each statement before reading the book’s commentary. Can you
tell the difference between a sentence that uses a logical appeal from an emotional
appeal? Are you able to identify which structure or combination of structures each
writer has chosen to use? Can you differentiate between a weak and a strong
sentence? Can you identify ways that even the best essays might still be improved?
Ideally, a personal statement will show all of the following qualities in the applicant;
these are the main accomplishments and attributes that appeal to the admissions
committee:
•
Intellectual Excellence
•
Tangible Impact on Individuals or Groups
•
Good Leadership Skills
•
Pro-Active Starter Skills
•
Real World Experience
•
Ability to See Multiple Perspectives on Issues
•
Attributes that Make the Applicant Unique
This is one of the most important lists in this guide. Aim to give the admissions
committee specific examples of how you possess these qualities. Tie these
examples together with a common theme, and you are well on your way to a great
personal statement.
Chapter 8: The Personal Narrative (Structure)
Published November 2009
The personal narrative is the most common structure for the personal statement
genre. In this structure, the author tells his or her story. The personal statement is a
brief but high-density autobiography, with certain zones you want to weight more
heavily. In the personal narrative structure, you relate a representative story, a
choice you made, or an event that changed the course of your life. You tweak the
story, like a photographer would compose a self-portrait, to make it represent
yourself in a particular light. A strong personal narrative, whether it presents one or
more than one story, should have an organizing theme linking the parts of the
statement. By beginning with a theme, a metaphor, or an image that you then end
with, the essay concludes satisfyingly—as Samuel Taylor Coleridge said—with its
tail in its mouth. With any structure or topic, you should always remember you are
trying to persuade your audience to admit you to law school. You do this most
powerfully by describing specific examples that show you possess intellectual
excellence, leadership abilities, abilities to work with a team, that you have reached
beyond the safety net of college, and that you can look at issues from multiple
perspectives. Also try to use your narrative to persuade your admissions committee
reader that their law school is the best fit for you.
1. Silicon Valley Start-Up
Eighteen months ago, I was sitting at my computer, wedged between a dripping
coffee maker to my left and the company’s CFO five feet to my right. Every
keystroke shook the flimsy fold-out card table that served as my desk, on loan to
the company from another employee’s garage. We were packed in the largest of
three rooms in a 2,500 square foot space baking in the heat generated by ten coworkers in close quarters, fifteen running computers, and an abnormally warm
summer. On the glass doorway was etched the ghostly lettering of the former
company occupying the space, serving as a grim reminder of the ever-present
possibility of failure.
Two weeks earlier, I had been in my company’s small conference room sitting at the
table surrounded by familiar faces from my last employer. Silicon Valley is
incestuous: teams migrate from one company to the next, so I was not surprised to
find myself recruited to join my old boss’s newest project. They were selling another
David versus Goliath story, featuring a small rag-tag team of engineers defeating a
seemingly insurmountable industry leader. Despite my skepticism, I still had a freerunning imagination fed with nostalgic thoughts of Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard
working on their first audio oscillator in a Palo Alto garage. But at my last start-up
company, we had challenged a corporation for a piece of the industry pie, and nine
years and $330 million dollars later, the company was a hollow shell doing mostly
engineering contractor work. I was lucky enough to join that company late in the
game and sell my stock options early, but many others spent a significant portion of
their career at a company that came close to glory but ultimately fell short: Goliath
1, David 0.
This time they were telling me it was going to be different; they were always saying
this time would be different. I asked them how a small, poorly funded start-up
company could go against a giant corporation, which was also the undisputed king
of our market, with nearly $400 million in quarterly revenue. After signing a nondisclosure agreement, I was let in on the big secret, the meaning of the “C” in the
company name: we were going to use recent innovations in carbon nano-tubes to
revolutionize the industry. These nano-scopic cylindrical fibers that allow
unparalleled circuit density would be David’s tiny, secret sling.
With the financial incentive of stock options and the confidence gained by working
with a crack technical team, everyone was working at full capacity. There were
scribbled drawings with names and dates taped up on a wall. These were the jotted
ideas from our team of electrical engineers and physicists with M.S. and Ph.D.
degrees from schools like Harvard, Stanford, and M.I.T. One posting was my recent
workings of a carbon nano-tube electro-mechanical configuration bit, an idea that a
co-worker and I had developed that I would write up and the company would push
through the patent process. By packing a dozen well-caffeinated physics and
electronics geniuses into a pathetic three-room rental that resembled a low-budget
movie studio, we had created the primordial soup of intellectual invention. As a
result of our collective ideas, our seasoned team, our innovative ideas, and nanotechnology being the latest buzzword in investment, we were soon funded by
venture capitalists for $10 million. It was immensely exciting to be the tenth
employee in a growing start-up company that would have to upgrade offices and
dramatically expand staff in an up-scaling war against the industry titan.
The increased design responsibility and unbounded architectural creativity that
comes with working for a start-up is unparalleled. However, the necessity of sidestepping patented intellectual property belonging to our competitor, which covered
all aspects of our design, from manufacturing to testing, placed a heavy burden on
the design team. This danger was extremely real, as a similar start-up had
collapsed following an infringement lawsuit related to unauthorized reproduction of
a bit stream. As the designer of three different components, I examined our
competition’s sixteen patents related to the memory aspect of the device. It was
immensely satisfying to study, absorb, and then circumvent patent claims as I
designed a conceptually similar but un-patented version of three memory blocks.
I am interested in serving as general counsel for a corporation focused on
advanced semiconductor technology. My diverse work experience and master’s
degree provide a perfect foundation to tackle the issues faced by a general
counsel. I am drawn to the challenges I will find at the intersection of intellectual
property, product liability, and corporate law. At this juncture in my life, I seek more
challenge and personal growth in a field that calls on my written skills, attention to
detail, and love of technology. My background in nano-technology will bring a
unique perspective to the NYU classroom and will make me extremely marketable
upon graduation. By pursuing a law degree, I intend to enter a profession that
aligns with the interests and aptitudes I have discovered and developed through
real work experience. It is through deep personal reflection that I have decided that
law is the natural extension of my training, personality, and talents.
Commentary 1: Silicon Valley Start-Up
Structure: Personal Narrative
Topic: Internet Start-Up
Thesis: I led a multi-million dollar design team; I can succeed in law school.
Elements of Style: Comparison to David & Goliath (Cultural Appeal)
Committee Appeal: Tangible Impact, Real World Experience, Pro-Active Starter,
Good Leader
Success Rating: 9/A
What’s Strong:
This is an excellent personal statement because it shows this candidate has had a
tangible impact on organizations, and probably on the global economy. The
statement keeps the reader engaged by giving a meaningful story with background,
context, conflict, and resolution. It also provides a peek into the mysterious and
increasingly legend-generating world of Silicon Valley start-ups. This is a good
model for someone who has been out of college for a while, but who hasn’t been
working in a law firm. The essay is focused on career goals, with career history to
back up the writer’s plans. This person is a doer, not a dreamer. The writer shows a
depth of technical knowledge and strong analytic reasoning skills that go far beyond
linear thinking, especially in the description of finding new solutions to highly
technical problems that do not violate patents. The statement creates desire in the
admissions committee to admit this person because other companies seek to hire
the applicant and venture capitalists are willing to support the applicant with
substantial funds. This statement will inspire members of the admissions committee
to act on the applicant’s behalf because he has successfully reached beyond the
safety net of college.
This applicant demonstrated his strong written communication skills by writing a
compelling statement that uses several kinds of rhetorical appeals. Logic is used to
show how his analytical ability helps to keep the company afloat in the same waters
where others have foundered. He uses touches of emotional appeals when he
describes the “primordial soup of intellectual invention” inside the cramped office.
The analogy in which he compares his small start-up and the industry leader to
David and Goliath uses both emotional and cultural appeals to excellent effect: The
story is one everyone knows, and so just by invoking the names, the writer brings a
powerful story into his narrative without using valuable space. This mythic story
becomes a theme woven throughout the essay. It is a rhetorical device that
establishes a connection in the reader’s mind between this candidate and a leader
known for his compassionate personality (King David). This writer has also
composed the statement so that he comes across as an authoritative, competent,
thoughtful, and honest leader. This statement helped earn the applicant acceptance
to NYU School of Law and Columbia Law School.
What’s Wrong:
This essay is too focused on the details of the story and fails to give sufficient
evidence for why this person is a good candidate for law school. This essay is
structured as a personal narrative, and the topic is the applicant’s professional
experience. The first paragraph is wholly descriptive prose that has very little to do
with why this person is a good candidate for law school. The first paragraph lacks a
thesis or a direction for the essay. Ideally, the reader should find a microcosm of the
essay in the first paragraph.
The second-to-last paragraph packs in the most value to the admissions committee
for the space used, but the background story is important for this paragraph to be
so powerful. To make the background story do more work for him, the writer could
plant more indicators of his positive qualities and characteristics in the early part of
the essay. For example, he could mention how he used his oral communication
skills to communicate with his design team and supervisors, so that the admissions
committee knows he feels that mastery of oral communication skills is important.
The last paragraph is where the applicant draws together his themes with his selfassessment and goals. He should mention what his master’s degree is in. This
writer commits the common error of throwing in the name of the school receiving
this statement as a token. Any law school program could fill that place. The writer
doesn’t appear to have done research about the law program at NYU. Is he drawn
to NYU School of Law because of their expertise in intellectual property, or does the
applicant feel that being in New York City will put him in contact with East Coast
technology specialists who will give him a leg up in his career? The writer needs to
persuade the NYU admissions committee that NYU is the only school for him, and
he can do this by interpreting how the school’s particular strengths will advance his
goals. Despite these quibbles, though, this is overall a fantastic personal statement.
2. Senior Design
Senior Design—the year-long capstone course and college-wide competition that
engineering students learn about on their first day and do not stop thinking about
until their last. It forces them to draw from all they have learned. It is a test of
perseverance, creativity, and technical knowledge. It was also, rather unexpectedly,
the catalyst in my decision to study law.
The philosophy of the Senior Design course was to foster a spirit of
entrepreneurship. To that extent, we had to conceptualize, design, build, and test
our project considering real-world constraints such as time, cost, and technical
feasibility. Finally, we had to “sell” it to a panel of industry judges during a poster
presentation.
My team agreed to implement an idea I had for years but didn’t have the know-how
or resources to build. We designed a point-of-sale (POS) system for restaurants
where customers could place their own orders and pay directly from their tables. It
consisted of a graphical touch-screen display unit at the table, pager units for wait
staff, and a kitchen unit where all orders would be displayed and managed. All
communication was wireless, using state-of-the-art Bluetooth technology. We
dubbed it TruePOS.
The professor feared our project was too ambitious. Even now, it is difficult to say if
this was true. My team meshed together well, but like any fabric, there were bound
to be rips. We were almost torn to shreds the last few weeks: sleepless nights,
arguments piling up, parts not working, and families tested to the limits of their
patience. But our sacrifice paid off. Among 21 teams from civil, mechanical, and
electrical engineering, as a whole considered to be the best group in the history of
the competition, we won the grand prize. At the awards banquet, almost every
professor, student, and industry invitee told us that we should get a patent as soon
as possible.
As we stood on the stage accepting our award, I could tell we were feeling many of
the same emotions: elation, relief, gratitude. As I looked at my teammates, with
their earnest, eye-scrunching smiles, I came to a realization. I was not the same
person I was a year ago. It was as if Senior Design was a glowing, red-hot crucible,
and I was a placed inside, melted down, and tempered in a new mold. My basic
substance was the same, but I had taken a different shape. I had grown
complacent, but I now felt a renewed fervor. Although I hadn’t given it much
consideration earlier, I knew the next step in my life: we would get that patent.
My teammates and I met with the Director of the Office of Technology Transfer, Ken
Sherman, at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. Ken explained the basic patent
process including the concept of prior art and asked us to do a patent search on the
United States Patent and Trademark Office website. As I conducted this search, I
realized that, to my own shock, I enjoyed it. I found myself wondering what it would
be like to sit down with the engineers and scientists behind many patents, hashing
out the technical details and helping them draft the document that would secure
their intellectual property. Most inventors lack the necessary skills to protect
themselves. I would be good at helping them, I thought.
My interest in patent law, and now the law in general, has only continued to grow. I
have been devouring information on law school, and I cannot wait for the challenge.
I believe that Columbia Law School presents the best opportunity for my legal
education and is undoubtedly my first choice. I have contacted several students
and alumni who attest to the challenging, yet rewarding experience Columbia
provides. Many of my friends and most of my family live in New York, many just
minutes away via train. I have always relied on a strong support network, and
Columbia would allow me to not only continue this habit, but strengthen it. My plan
is to practice law in New York; Columbia’s placement history would help me realize
this goal.
My decision to study law came from an unlikely source. My strong academic record
and background as an electrical engineer provide a pragmatic foundation for my
success in law school. I feel prepared to study law at Columbia University, and I feel
that I can offer Columbia something in return. I look forward to beginning my legal
career at Columbia.
Commentary 2: Senior Design
Structure: Personal Narrative
Topic: Design patent
Thesis: I designed an ingenious device and want to learn about patent law.
Elements of Style: Modern feel, and technological savvy
Committee Appeal: Intellectual Excellence, Pro-Active Starter, Good Leadership
Skills
Success Rating: 8/AWhat’s Strong:
This essay has all the best elements of an exceptional law school essay. It has
enthusiasm, building excitement, and triumph. The applicant gives the reader an
“ah ha!” moment when he announces his idea for the Senior Design competition.
The invention, TruePOS, strikes the reader as a great idea, promising benefits to
customers and restaurant owners alike. This candidate has achieved greatness,
and he offers great promise to achieve it again through creativity, technical
knowledge, and drive that makes him stay up all night to accomplish his goals. He
has a reason for wanting to go to law school: to learn about patent law, because he
is sitting on a patent that could potentially make him millions of dollars. This
applicant has worked with a team, and more than that, he is naturally both the
leader and the glue for the teams he organizes. He gets passionate about what he
is working on. He is motivated, ambitious and clever. He has substantial intellectual
and analytical abilities. This statement is a pleasure to read. It uses the description
of one key event to showcase the applicant’s array of talents.
The applicant does a good job of conveying his particular interest in Columbia Law
School: intellectual fit (Columbia’s patent law program) and geographical location
(proximity to family) are valid reasons why Columbia Law School is his first choice.
This statement assisted the applicant in securing admission to Columbia Law
School, amongst others.
What’s Wrong:
While this essay tells a great story, it conveys it through language that is at times
clunky and unvarnished. The essay starts with a sentence fragment, and the first
paragraph contains a somewhat inexplicable shift from present to past tense. These
are not trivial questions of pedantry; the law depends upon the precise use of
language, and so these errors could signal to the admissions committee that the
writer’s verbal acumen is not equal to his technical expertise. The author’s
metaphors—of fabric and crucible—do not bring the language to life or help the
reader visualize the scene.
The last two paragraphs are not as strong as the previous paragraphs. The
applicant needs to capitalize on his ability to understand the language of engineers,
and to make an argument for why people with his background are needed as patent
lawyers. He needs to create as much desire as he can in the Columbia admissions
committee to want him as part of their class. If possible and/or plausible, he should
compare the Senior Design competition at his university to one at MIT, or some
other well-known university, so the committee has a clear frame of reference for his
great achievement. The committee would like to think they are getting one of the
best and brightest engineers in the country. When describing the design process,
the applicant might want to say which parts he was responsible for creating. He
also might be able to look up how many patents came out of the Senior Design
program, and use that number to his advantage. 3. Stay-at-Home Dad
In the spring of 1999, my son, Charlie, was just learning to crawl, and my wife,
Margaret, was in her last year of medical school. She was also set to begin an
obstetrics and gynecology residency in July, which would require us to move. Since
I would therefore be leaving my job as a teacher at IS 104, a New York City middle
school, I used the opportunity to reevaluate my career goals. I took great
satisfaction from my work as a teacher, but I had realized early on that the children I
was most concerned for needed as much help at home and in the family courts as
they did in a classroom. That belief, along with my desire for greater intellectual
challenges, convinced me that I wanted to attend law school. If I took the LSAT in
June 1999 and worked for a year while applying to law schools near Margaret’s
program, both residency and law school would finish in 2003. Then, with Charlie
turning five, we could move to an area with good public schools and begin our
professional careers. It seemed like a great plan. But as I thought about what life for
my family would be like while we implemented it, I could not dismiss the lessons I
had learned in my years as a teacher.
Foremost in my mind was a class of twelve E.D. (“Emotionally Disturbed”) eighthgrade special education students I had during my first year of teaching. Most lived
apart from both their parents, and they were my only class in three years to be
completely unrepresented at parent-teacher conferences. They had little in common
with the geeky-looking, middle-class white guy standing in front of them, and even
less interest in getting along with him. For those first months they shoved, insulted,
and threatened me on a daily basis. Finally, in January, I found the answer: I started
a track team and recruited heavily from that class. Almost instantly, I went from
enemy to “Coach,” and in the classroom, pushing gave way to high fives. Our first
semester had been all but wasted, but in the rest of the year, we covered the
Roaring Twenties, their fears about AIDS, and anything else I could fit under the
wide umbrella of “Social Studies.” By year’s end, they were easily my favorite class.
To me, they represented a dramatic illustration of how the lack of stable homes and
involved parental figures had affected the kids I taught. They also showed me what
even a little quality time with an adult could do for a child.
The life my wife and I had envisioned would give Charlie a mom who spent up to
120 hours a week at the hospital and, simultaneously, a dad who practically lived at
the law library. That plan was increasingly difficult to square with my experiences at
IS 104. I initially wrestled against the solution that kept occurring to me, but
eventually I told Margaret that I wanted to become a stay-at-home dad. At first, she
worried that, far from receiving the intellectual stimulation I craved, I would be bored
at home and would resent her for holding me back. Margaret was also concerned
that “delaying” law school would turn into “giving up” on it. She left unspoken her
fear that she might respect me less if I stayed home. In truth I shared even her
unspoken fears. Still, reason told me that what I proposed was the right choice for
our family. I assured Margaret that, to keep my brain active, I would continue
running my part-time IT business. I argued I would not feel held back because,
instead, I would take pride in doing what my family needed me to do. Law school
could wait – Charlie’s childhood would not.
When we moved for Margaret’s residency at Stanford, I began my life as a stay-athome dad. There was a period of adjustment – despite knowing that I was doing the
right thing for our family, my previously breadwinning male ego was still catching
up. Other people seemed to struggle with my role, too. A playgroup leader asked
Charlie and me not to return for a second play date because some of “The Girls”
were uncomfortable with the idea of having a father in the group. Prospective IT
clients tended to underestimate me when they learned exactly why I telecommuted.
In public, strangers often asked if I was “babysitting,” or they said words that are
nails-on-a-chalkboard to any at-home father: “Oh, so you’re Mr. Mom?”
But negative or awkward experiences were rare, and the positives blew them away.
Every day, I got to play with my son, and later, my daughter Sophia. I could take
them to see their Mommy whenever she had an unexpected slow-down at the
hospital, which made residency more bearable for everyone involved. At home, we
made crafts and danced and read. I felt good about trying to push gender-neutral
toys, even if I had to smile ruefully as Charlie still turned his Legos into guns and
Sophia still gravitated towards all things pink. More recently, I have coached soccer,
introduced algebra to my seven-year-old, and volunteered at school. Most of all, I
have given my children what I hope is the right mix of hugs, discipline, and fun.
Both are now as kind and happy as they are bright, and seeing them develop into
such great kids has affirmed my decision to stay home to raise them. What I once
approached as a duty I now regard as a true privilege, and my wife’s respect for me
has grown in these years, not shrunk.
My wife and I once feared that I would give up on going to law school or that my
brain would atrophy while home with the kids. Instead, I became more efficient and
more ambitious with the time I did have to myself. For pleasure reading, I tackled
academic texts on such topics as Islamic history, an interest I have had since
college, and Constitutional theory. During naps, preschool, and late nights, I taught
myself Cisco network administration, accounting, and anything else I needed to
know to run my business. On behalf of the practice my wife joined after residency, I
have analyzed physician productivity and evaluated the financial viability of a major
real estate venture. Most recently, I played a pivotal role in the successful
renegotiation of a multimillion-dollar contract with Blue Cross/Blue Shield. My work
and self-study have honed my analytical skills far beyond their levels of seven
years ago, and have broadened the areas of law in which I am interested. I will be a
far better law student in 2008 than I could ever have been in 2000.
This next year will bring many exciting changes to my family and me. Some of
them, such as the fact that both kids will be in school full time and need me less
during the day, will come whether I begin law school or not. Others, such as my wife
rearranging her schedule so she can be at home when school lets out, will result
from the same sort of conscious decision to act for the good of our family as I made
over eight years ago. When I arrive on campus next fall, I will approach the study of
law from a mature and potentially unique perspective, driven by the same values,
dedication, and sense of personal responsibility that have guided me throughout my
adult life as a teacher, husband, and father.
Commentary 3: Stay-at-Home Dad
Structure: Personal Narrative
Topic: Parenting
Thesis: I am mature, self-motivated, compassionate.
Elements of Style: Modern man
Committee Appeal: Tangible Impact on Individuals, Intellectual Excellence, Real
World Experience
Success Rating: 8/AWhat’s Strong:
This is a type of personal statement that will probably become more common as
highly intelligent, professional couples begin to share the responsibility of childcare.
And fields, like law, that have typically been male-dominated are increasingly
responding well to professionals trying to better balance work and family. This is still
a very fraught issue, however, which comes directly out of women’s movements of
the last century. This personal statement gives the reader a very modern-feeling
perspective on professional couples from the point of view of a man actively sharing
childcare with his wife, whom he respects as his intellectual equal. The applicant
describes prejudice he has had to deal with as a result of his choice, in addition to
his initial doubts about how his decision could have changed the dynamics in his
own family. The major theme is also intertwined with the theme of society’s duty to
care for children, in terms of both public education and legal representation.
The applicant gives a heartfelt personal narrative of his experience working with
children in a presumably economically disadvantaged part of New York City, and
from there he moves on to his decision to provide care for his children as they grow
up. The emotionally disturbed students at IS 104 provide a strong counterpoint for
the applicant’s own more privileged children. The core of this essay is what kids
need: They need parents or community members who are there for them. There are
no soapbox speeches on the state of child neglect, abuse or abandonment in the
United States; the author just offers a personal narrative that is sincere and honest,
humble yet intelligent. Women reading this essay might like it because the author is
willing to embrace an alternate gender role to ensure his children have stimulating,
loving formative years. He understands women and children and what they need to
be happy. He has accepted responsibility for his family and community, and now he
wants to have a chance to fulfill his potential in a professional field. All of this makes
the candidate unique. He seems to be in a good place to begin a law career, and he
is motivated. His personality and enthusiasm come through, along with his selfconfidence and maturity. Above all, he has shown, without needing to tell, that he
would bring compassion and open-mindedness to his legal studies.
The applicant also gives concrete examples of his intellectual and analytical
abilities in the sixth paragraph. The applicant is a self-starter: He has managed his
own IT business for at least the past six years. During this time he also learned new
skills to help his business grow, and he worked with his wife’s medical team to
analyze and negotiate ventures to help her business grow. He reads books for
pleasure on history and constitutional law, which demonstrates the positive quality
of being a lifetime learner. In the fifth paragraph, the author reveals he also has a
daughter, and that is a happy surprise. He resists telling silly stories about what the
babies did; throughout the essay he is focused and mature.
This personal statement narrates a very real drama faced by highly intelligent,
motivated couples who want to have a family but do not want to leave their children
entirely in the hands of a nanny or a daycare program. The applicant shows a great
deal of respect for his wife’s ambition, compassion for the needs of children, and
most importantly, he shows why he would be an excellent candidate for law school.
This applicant was accepted into Penn Law School even with a 3.3 GPA (from
Harvard), counterbalanced by this strong personal statement and a 99th percentile
score on his LSAT.
What’s Wrong:
The essay is a little bit baggy; there is room to tighten it up and still expand on why
this applicant would be a good candidate for law school. He could cut sentences
3-6, about visiting mommy, dancing and reading, in the weaker fifth paragraph, and
then expand the excellent paragraph six. Paragraph six, showing the applicant’s
self-motivation, is the meat of the essay for the admissions committee. Here the
applicant conveys the skills he has been honing the last six years and the growth
he has made since college. The applicant needs to use this paragraph to better
explain how he has impacted others. For example, he could easily work in his
successes in college by adding on to the first paragraph something like this: “My
wife and I once feared that I would give up on going to law school or that staying
home with the kids would cause my brain to atrophy after a rigorous and exciting
college education spent studying history and taking on leadership positions in the
pre-law society and university newspaper staff.” He also needs to tell the committee
more about his success as an entrepreneur. What kind of business did he start?
How many clients did he have? Did the business grow over time? He could also
give more information about the real estate venture he helped with, and how he put
his analytical skills to work.
If he really wants to work with children under the law, he should talk a little more
about what kind of help he believes children need from lawyers. He is very focused,
so he should also give specific reasons why he wants to be accepted at a particular
school. In the last paragraph, he should remind the admissions committee
members that he is dedicated to helping children in his community and to excelling
in both his law classes and in the legal field, so that they will have no doubts that he
will be as dedicated to the study of law as to his children.
4. Happy Camper
To one extent or another, I think that everyone who grows up in this country is
indoctrinated in a world-view of which this nation is the center and the rest of the
world is at the periphery. In such a culture where priority is placed on the individual,
it is natural to consider your experience at the very center and marginalize the rest.
Children are naturally self-centered, and probably are more so if growing up in a
sheltered environment, as I did. Coming from a traditional, well-off nuclear family,
my childhood experience was focused by my innate ideas about the world and my
place in it. Even so, I think I was more open about new experiences and travel than
the other kids I grew up with. Thanks to my family’s love of camping as our primary
recreation, I had visited every state in the country and most southern provinces in
Canada by the age of 16. Although this is something of a uniformly North American
experience, it did foster in me an appreciation of change, a sense of mobility, and
even a certain degree of restfulness. Indeed, it was probably the experience of
camping in rural Québec—and not being able to communicate with the campground
owners, who spoke only French—when I was 10 years old that touched off my
desire to learn the language and travel to France.
As a result, I have been a confirmed Francophile for many years now. Yet, despite
growing up in the state with the largest percentage of Hispanics in the country, I
never made any effort to either learn Spanish or get to know the culture—much less
befriend anyone of a different background than my own. And this attitude persisted
until this June.
Motivated mainly by the desire to learn a highly useful Romance language, I went
to Mexico this summer—and fell in love. The people, the food, the attitudes, and the
language itself, all inspired me to open my mind towards this culture I had
previously dismissed, with the result that now, back in Oklahoma, I am continuing
my studies in Spanish and making every effort to involve myself with groups on
campus as well as individual students I meet with Latin American backgrounds.
I’ve noticed a similar phenomenon after beginning to study the Russian language
this year. Most of my life I have had a vague, undefined and poorly understood
contempt for communism, Soviet Russia, and anything related that was supposedly
threatening to our way of life. But since beginning to study the language, the
country’s history, and the people, I have discovered an equal passion for this
culture. I speak Russian whenever I can, to the consternation of my family and
friends, and spend many hours talking with the Russian students I’ve met through
my student job.
While travel and broadened knowledge of other parts of the world may not be the
only way to develop a more affectionate viewpoint of other people, societies and
cultures, it certainly serves to destroy these preconceived notions we grow up with.
My experiences have both made me a better person and helped me to reach out to
others in a similar fashion. International law offers me an opportunity both to use my
passion for new experiences and to be a part of a rapidly changing process. I am
motivated both to learn more about this process and as well as the prospect of
someday influencing it. Although one benefit of my travel experiences has been to
broaden my personal scope, I know that what I have seen and done represents
only a tiny slice of what our world has to offer. I’m ready to participate in more of it.
Commentary 4: Happy Camper
Structure: Personal Narrative
Topic: Language acquisition
Thesis: Languages have helped me learn about the world and its needs.
Elements of Style: Becoming bolder
Committee Appeal: Intellectual Excellence, Multiple Perspectives
Success Rating: 7/B+
What’s Strong:
This essay praises the value of travel and foreign language acquisition to overcome
preconceived notions of others. The author has traveled and been exposed to
cultural differences. She has also studied languages intensely. Cultural studies
aims to fight many of the prejudices that are also overcome by open-minded travel.
This essay takes up several of the themes in cultural studies; however, the themes
are given first-hand perspective rather than theoretical discussion. First-hand
experience allows for the inclusion of specific details, which admissions committees
prefer.
The author’s camping experiences stand out as unique. They give the impression
that she is always moving, learning, and experiencing the world. Camping is not an
elite form of travel, so the fact that she begins learning about other cultures “on the
ground,” gives her a genuine and sympathetic character (good ethos). The reader
believes her claim that she wants to immerse herself in other cultures, to meet the
people, and not just see the sights. In the context of the essay, the author suggests
that each of the fifty states in the U.S. has its own culture, just as each has its own
laws, and she has experienced them all. Traveling in North America gradually
evolved for her into international interests in France and Russia. Then an interest in
the Spanish language returned her home, to Spanish speakers in her town. After
discovering a new perspective on her everyday life, she is ready to move out again
into the field of international law.
The applicant was accepted to both Yale Law School and Harvard Law School.
With her 4.0 GPA and 180 LSAT, her main goal was to write a personal statement
that would not be an obstacle to her admission. This statement achieved that goal
and was even beneficial, although the statement could have been vastly improved.
What’s Wrong:
The rhetoric needs to be reshaped to reflect an intrepid, worldly law school
candidate, which she is, rather than a sheltered, somewhat timid applicant. The
essay lacks specific details that could illustrate the author’s positive qualities, such
as leadership, resourcefulness, negotiation, organization. The only specific detail in
the essay is that once the author could not communicate with a Québécois camp
manager. This essay is too focused on starting new languages without pausing to
explain how the author used each language to influence others, understand the
world from a different perspective, or attempt cultural assimilation. The author
should work in one or two narratives that show her interacting with others as a
leader or part of a team. Admissions committees seek out collegial, self-assured
candidates who work well with others. Most of the first two paragraphs, up until the
introduction to camping, should be cut. The author needs a more powerful
introduction in its place in order to grab the reader and establish a thesis that is
then woven throughout the essay. The introduction, as it stands, introduces the
author as self-centered and sheltered; it would be better to introduce her as a multilingual world-traveler.
Because the candidate has only studied Spanish for a few months, the rhetoric
needs to make up for it being a new interest. The author could write the essay as a
travel narrative that ended back at home, with a new perspective on her history and
culture. This might be an essay that needs a quote about travel. At any rate, it
needs a clearer thesis, explaining why the candidate values travel and languages.
For example, she could explain that travel and language acquisition contain within
them a challenging and exciting array of academic, creative, and professional
pursuits. This will satisfy admission committee members that the candidate has not
studied languages to the exclusion of other academic and analytical pursuits.
Here is an example of how the essay could be revised:
[I traveled one hundred thousand miles—to all fifty states and [four] countries—and
learned three languages, before I could understand what was in my own backyard.]
(While travel and language acquisition may not be the only ways to develop a more
sophisticated understanding of other individuals, societies and cultures, they
steadily tear down preconceived notions we unwittingly grow up with.)
My family considered travel an essential aspect of education. Our primary
recreation was camping. By the time I was sixteen, I had visited every state in the
country and most southern provinces in Canada. [Comic description of recreation
vehicle?] Once in rural Québec, (description of setting and attempted conversation
with campground owners). [This was the first time I experienced a language barrier.
I was ten years old, and I determined then I would learn French. By the time I
graduated from high school, I had succeeded at this goal, and I was fluent enough
to spend one summer (working at a vineyard in France). Description of skills
acquired in this country.]
[From this experience I realized the enormous benefits to be gained by learning
languages. In college, I continued honing my French language skills. I often read
French newspapers online to get a better sense of the repercussions of the United
States government’s actions on the international community.] [When one enters
another culture’s language, it becomes easier to enter its perspectives. I began
studying Russian in college so that I could come to a better understanding of the
political situation in the former Soviet Union, as it were, from the inside out. Since
beginning to study the language, the country’s history, and the people, I have… To
improve my Russian language skills, I sought out a job that puts me in contact with
Russia students. [Description of job.] This work allows me to spend many hours
talking with Russian friends about changes in the former Soviet Union over the past
decade. (A specific detail about an interaction with a Russian friend.)]
[After much travel and language study, I recently looked again at my home. To my
surprise, I found I saw it with new vision. I began to be interested in the community I
had previously been eager to escape.] Oklahoma has the largest percentage of
Spanish speakers of any state in the country. [I found that I wanted to be part of the
community that surrounded me my whole life, and which extended out through
most of Central and South America and over to Spain. Spanish is the official
language in twenty countries, and spoken in more than twenty other countries.] I
immersed myself in the language in Mexico last summer. The people, the food, the
attitudes, and the language itself, all inspired me to open my mind towards this
culture I had previously dismissed. Now, back in Oklahoma, I am continuing my
studies in Spanish and making every effort to involve myself with groups on campus
as well as individual students I meet with Spanish-speaking backgrounds. [specific
details related to Spanish-speaking student groups, law or career goals]
[When I begin a new language or a new course of study, I see it through to the end,
and I excel in the possibilities open to me once I have mastered the foundations. I
intend to put my language skills to work in a career in international law.] I am
motivated to learn more about the rapidly-changing process of international law.
Although my travel experiences have broadened my scope already, I know that
what I have seen and done represents only a tiny slice of what our world has to
offer. I am eager to participate in more of it.
5. Minimalist
I am a thinker, but not one to think out loud. I love myself, but am not in love with
the sound of my own voice. I want to be loved, but not at the cost of not loving
myself. I want to know everything, but realize that nothing can ever be known for
sure. I believe that nothing is absolute, but I can absolutely defend my beliefs. I
understand that chance is prevalent in all aspects of life, but never leave anything
important to chance. I am skeptical about everything, but realistic in the face of my
skepticism. I base everything on probability, but so does nature...probably.
I believe that all our actions are determined, but feel completely free to do as I
choose. I do not believe in anything resembling a God, but would never profess
omniscience with regard to such issues. I have faith in nothing, but trust that my
family and friends will always be faithful. I feel that religion is among the greatest
problems in the world, but also understand that it is perhaps the ultimate solution. I
recognize that many people derive their morals from religion, but I insist that
religion is not the only fountainhead of morality. I respect the intimate connection
between morality and law, but do not believe that either should unquestioningly
respect the other.
I want to study the law and become a lawyer, but I do not want to study the law just
because I want to become a lawyer. I am aware that the law and economics cannot
always be studied in conjunction, but I do not feel that either one can be properly
studied without an awareness of the other. I recognize there is more to the law than
efficiency, but believe the law should recognize the importance of efficiency more
than it does. I love reading about law and philosophy, but not nearly as much as I
love having a good conversation about the two. I know that logic makes an
argument sound, but also know that passion makes an argument sound logical. I
have philosophical beliefs informed by economics and economic beliefs informed
by philosophy, but I have lost track of which beliefs came first. I know it was the egg
though.
I always think very practically, but do not always like to think about the practical. I
have wanted to be a scientist for a while now, but it took me two undergraduate
years to figure out that being a scientist does not necessarily entail working in a
laboratory. I play the saxophone almost every day, but feel most like an artist when
deduction is my instrument. I spent one year at a college where I did not belong
and two years taking classes irrelevant for my major, but I have no regrets about
my undergraduate experience. I am incredibly passionate about my interests, but
cannot imagine being interested in only one passion for an entire lifetime.
I love the Yankees, but do not hate the Red Sox. I love sports, but hate the
accompanying anti-intellectual culture. I may read the newspaper starting from the
back, but I always make my way to the front eventually. I am liberal on some issues
and conservative on others, but reasonable about all of them. I will always be
politically active, but will never be a political activist. I think everything through
completely, but I am never through thinking about anything.
I can get along with almost anyone, but there are very few people without whom I
could not get along. I am giving of my time, but not to the point of forgetting its
value. I live for each moment, but not as much as I worry about the next. I consider
ambition to be of the utmost importance, but realize that it is useless without the
support of hard work. I am a very competitive person, but only when competing with
myself. I have a million dreams, but I am more than just a dreamer. I am usually
content, but never satisfied.
I am a study in contradiction, but there is not an inconsistency to be found.
Commentary 5: Minimalist
Structure: Personal Narrative
Topic: Self-portrait
Thesis: I am a clever risk-taker.
Elements of Style: Literary play with contradiction and a variety of verbal punning
Committee Appeal: Intellectual Excellence, Multiple Perspectives
Success Rating: 7/B+
What’s Strong:
This personal statement is constructed like a poem: there is a rhythm to it that
draws the reader in; there is also verbal play and the construction of a somewhat
mysterious self-portrait. This applicant had an impressive 4.0 GPA and 178 LSAT,
so he or she could be a risk-taker with the personal statement. This essay stands
out because it is more artfully designed than other statements. This is a good
strategy if you are sure of your standardized scores or if you are applying to a reach
school and so are trying to get yourself noticed (see Appendix A: Reach School
Risk-Taking). An experimental personal statement such as this is just as likely to
succeed as to flop, because some admissions committee members value creativity
while others will be put off by the lack of specific details. In its uniqueness, it is
unclear how difficult this statement was to write; most admissions committee
members will probably give the candidate the benefit of the doubt and see it as
highly original rather than a series of clichés. Some people have privacy boundaries
that a traditional personal statement crosses. This author may have revealed what
he or she was comfortable sharing with the admissions committee.
This statement works by a clever rhetorical trick: The author will repeat a word in
the same sentence but shift the meaning to a different, often contrary, usage. For
example, the author writes, “I believe that nothing is absolute, but I can absolutely
defend my beliefs.” Most of the sentences are linked in a daisy chain of associative
ideas. For example, the first paragraph moves through the author’s views on
thinking, loving, and doubting. The author then gestures towards interests in
philosophy, morality, law, economics, music, sports, and politics. In the third
paragraph, the applicant tells us he or she is good at synthesizing diverse
information. The admissions committee will like this ability, as well as the humor
that concludes the paragraph with the chicken-and-egg joke. The statement ends
with a character sketch indicating the author is friendly but ambitious and complex.
And finally, there is an important punch when the piece ends: “I am a study in
contradiction, but there is not an inconsistency to be found.” This statement worked
for the applicant because this person was accepted everywhere, including Yale and
Stanford, and was offered a $63,000 scholarship to NYU.
What’s Wrong:
Although this statement is put together like a poem, it lacks the internal logic and
consistency that would make it an outstanding example of the personal statement
genre. The author starts out very well, linking each sentence to the previous one,
but upon close analysis, the chain link falls apart rather quickly. In the first
paragraph, talking connects quiet thinking to self-respect, and then love connects
self-respect to healthy relationships, but after this, the author enters stream-ofconsciousness mode. We learn the author is not religious. He or she writes, “I know
that logic makes an argument sound, but also know that passion makes an
argument sound logical.” The problem with a sentence like this is that it does not
give the reader specific evidence that this person is either logical or passionate. It
tells without showing anything. This personal statement encases the author behind
a rhetorical wall that does not allow his or her personality to emerge. We do not
have a sense of whether this person is trustworthy because we have no specific
stories or examples to evaluate for the author’s ethical appeal.
The fourth paragraph is somewhat damaging to the author when we learn, “I spent
one year at a college where I did not belong and two years taking classes irrelevant
for my major.” The admissions committee will wonder: Why didn’t you belong at that
college? Why did you take random classes for two years? Can you be trusted to
maintain your focus in law school? The word play at this point waffles between
clever and stale. This statement would do better to begin and end with the verbal
play, but to have a solid paragraph or two in the middle of personal narrative, in
which the admissions committee members really get to know the person behind this
rhetorical show.
6. Coming Out
I could barely understand Harrison over the background chatter of the rugby party,
so I only caught the tail end of his question: "…thought I heard something in
practice, and, well, are you gay?"
I smiled at him, and shook my head, even as I felt my stomach lurch. What had I
done wrong? Had some inflection given me away, or had I responded suspiciously
to some inscrutable cue or prompt? I had spent my post-pubescent years carefully
perfecting a façade: ruining my posture and changing my walk to hide all evidence
of my training in ballet; vigilantly monitoring the pitch and tone of my voice; dressing
poorly, shaving sporadically, and generally presenting myself as the polar opposite
of the gay man as conceived in the popular imagination. I was a skilled performer in
a different kind of closet drama, one so long-running that at times I could almost
forget I was on stage.
Until I shook my head at Harrison, however, I had never lied outright. In high
school, I had promised myself that if anyone asked me directly about my sexuality, I
would be honest. I then proceeded to do everything in my power to prevent such
questioning. After entering college, and realizing that many people could recognize
the signs of repressed homosexuality when they saw them, I had refined this
endeavor. I started making the effort not just to appear straight, but not to appear
closeted. Thus, I became a vocal defender of gay rights, assuming no one would
suspect someone so openly supportive of gays might conceal his own sexuality. I
gained further credibility by predicating my support on my experiences as a biracial
individual, often citing the anti-miscegenation suit Loving v. Virginia as the crux of
my argument for gay marriage. I tolerated no homophobia in my presence, and
eschewed macho affectation.
This ruse seemed completely successful. In fact, I began to despair that no one
would ever see through it, for even as I dreaded exposure, I craved it. By my senior
year of college, it had begun to weigh on me that I was going to graduate without
any of my friends or teammates knowing who I really was. Then Harrison, a
younger student whom I did not know well, ripped my pretenses to shreds with a
question, which suggested that all my efforts had been for naught.
I could have used his query as an opportunity to come clean, but I had a failure of
nerve. I knew I was selling my happiness short for my desire to fit in, but this desire
was so deeply ingrained in me that it seemed impossible to resist. After years of
living in South Texas, where my appearance, Midwestern accent, and inability to
speak Spanish marked me as an outsider in most circles, I was not eager to risk
alienation once again. Yet in attempting to avert it, I ensured it. Obsessing over
issues of personal identity, I became increasingly disengaged throughout the year,
both socially and academically.
I found succor only in my senior thesis, on the system of outlawry in early medieval
Iceland. In researching my thesis topic, I waded through dense statutory codices
and ancient trial records, seeking to understand the legal issues underlying various
events in the Icelandic sagas. Learning to view a society through these
dispassionate filters was a fascinating intellectual exercise, and a welcome
distraction from the emotional turmoil of my personal life. By the end of senior year,
my thesis was the one accomplishment that I could look back on with unadulterated
pride. Everything else seemed in tatters, and I graduated in dejection.
Three years later, I stood in a ballroom in central Reykjavík. Corks popped,
streamers rained down from the ceiling, and dozens of voices sang out in chorus:
the Icelandic parliament had just granted gay Icelanders and their relationships full
equality under the law. I had the good fortune to be in town on an intensive
language program, and was invited to the official announcement. I thought of all
that had transpired in my life between that uncomfortable rugby party and this
festive affair. Shortly after the personal nadir of graduation, I finally decided it was
time to come out. I confided first in my best friend, and with his encouragement, I
embarked on a mission of declaration. My disclosure was met with near-universal
support and far, far less surprise than I had anticipated. I realized I had been a fool
to carry such a heavy burden for so much longer than was necessary. With that
weight off my shoulders I immediately started to grow in confidence and maturity,
immersing myself in work, building strong new relationships, and generally enjoying
life more fully.
In Reykjavík, I gathered with strangers from many different countries, yet I felt
among us a sense of community. I was celebrating rights I might never enjoy, but
my contentment on the occasion was not lessened by this knowledge. For once, it
did not seem to matter what anyone else might think of me. I had gotten to where I
needed to be, and I knew that fear and equivocation would never hold me back
again.
Commentary 6: Coming Out
Structure: Personal Narrative
Topic: Self-acceptance
Thesis: I know myself and have grown in confidence and maturity.
Elements of Style: Ethical appeal
Committee Appeal: Intellectual Excellence, Multiple Perspectives
Success Rating: 6/B
What’s Strong:
This is an intensely personal essay about overcoming fear of societal prejudice and
accepting one’s sexual orientation. Gay rights has made great strides recently in
the U.S. and in other countries. Sexual orientation is very much bound up with law
and politics, and it is a powerful subject for a law school personal statement. This
man’s story is not an uncommon tale, but his candor here makes him an important
diversity candidate for the law school admissions committee. His openness helps
the committee balance out potentially under-represented voices in their law school
class.
This candidate’s work on the history of law in Iceland is fascinating, and it
showcases his intellectual excellence. His rare knowledge of both medieval law and
Icelandic law also makes him a unique addition to the law school class. His ethical
appeal, or authorial tone, in the essay makes him extremely likeable. He achieves a
rare combination of powerful self-awareness and charismatic gentleness that
should appeal to the committee members. He was absolutely right not to discuss
any personal relationships. This is a honest personal statement, courageous and
commendable.
What’s Wrong:
This is a single vignette, with a little bit about academic achievement by way of the
senior thesis bleeding into the experience in Reykjavik. The reader is left wanting to
know the candidate better. What races is he? What major was he in college? What
drew him to law? What aspects of it does he like? How did he come to study
medieval Icelandic law? Answering more of these questions, while trimming down
some of the coming out story, will make this a more powerful statement. If the
author is an expert in medieval Icelandic law, it would be appropriate to teach the
reader something about that field. The admissions committee member might lean
over to another committee member and say, “Hey, did you know…?” Teaching the
reader a tidbit of knowledge helps the essay become memorable and adds to your
uniqueness factor.
7. Belorussian Lawyer
Within every person is a complex and unpredictable set of distinguishing
characteristics. Although people throughout history have tried to forecast each
other’s behavior and aptitude for success, we still cannot state, with one hundred
percent confidence, that a person with a certain number of mathematical
characteristics is capable of success. However, the possibility of making an
accurate forecast increases with a careful analysis of each individual.
I, just like many other law school applicants, believe that I am capable of
successfully going through the three years of graduate education, passing the bar
exam, and being able to practice law. The question is what makes me different from
other applicants and why should I be chosen for the highly desirable place in your
educational institution.
A personal statement always sounds like a self advertisement, and it is not an easy
task to speak on your own behalf. It would be rather banal to list all my
qualifications and conclude that I and no one else am the best and the most
qualified candidate. I believe that it would be more appropriate to say that in the
past I was one step away from becoming a lawyer, and I am ready and willing to
make it happen again.
My decision to practice law goes back to the year of 1996. That was the year when
I successfully graduated from a provincial high school at the top of my class and
decided to enroll in one of the top-ranked Belorussian law schools. Back then law
was a new field of study for the newly-formed Belarus. This country had just
emerged from communism and was experiencing a high demand for legal system
development, while at the same time experiencing a shortage in knowledgeable law
specialists. Despite the skepticism of my relatives and friends, I passed all my
entrance exams with the highest possible grades, and I was admitted.
The three years I spent studying law completely changed me. I studied history and
the development of jurisprudence, constitutional, civil, and labor law. However, I
found myself extremely interested in criminal law courses. As a result of my
scholastic achievements in criminal law studies, I was referred by my criminal law
professor for an internship in the District Attorney’s Office in Minsk, Belarus. For the
duration of my internship, I assisted with a number of crimes investigations and
proved myself a knowledgeable specialist.
In 1999 my family made a decision to immigrate to the United States. It will be
unnecessary to describe my emotional struggles related to this choice. On
November 17, 1999, the airplane from Minsk to Los Angeles turned me from a
promising law student into an unemployed immigrant from the former Soviet Union.
Although I knew that my ultimate goal would be to receive a college education, I
thought that there would never be another chance to become a lawyer. I found a
well-paying job in a field totally unrelated to my educational background and have
started working towards my undergraduate degree in business administration with
the prospect of being promoted within FedEx and continuing my professional
growth in the express delivery industry.
Now, approximately one year before my graduation from California State University,
Northridge, my English language skills have dramatically improved. The language
barrier that I once experienced living in California has diminished. I realize that I
can still become a lawyer, regardless of all the obstacles I faced in past years.
Being trilingual (English, Russian, and Belorussian), having adapted to a new
culture, and having successfully completed a bachelor’s degree in business make
me a unique candidate for law school. But in addition to this, in Belarus, I was also
able to watch a legal system forming, and this experience itself gives me a unique
perspective on law.
The future of this country that has become my home is very important to me. From
my point of view, the current crime situation in the United States is a weakness of
the American legal system. I believe I can make a difference in this, my chosen
field. I already have some practical skills from my education in Belarus, which, in
combination with my future education, will give me a rare, possibly irreplaceable,
perspective from which to proceed in my career. I am eager to share my
perspective with colleagues in law school. Given a chance to pursue legal studies
in the United States, I expect to make a big difference, not just in my own life but
also in the lives of others. I am a person of great dedication and willingness to
succeed. And these characteristics will help me to complete what I started ten years
ago.
Commentary 7: Belorussian Lawyer
Structure: Personal Narrative
Topic: Leaving Belarus
Thesis: I have already practiced law in my native country, and I seek to practice in
the U.S.
Elements of Style: Immigrant work ethic
Committee Appeal: Real World Experience, Pro-Active Starter, Multiple
Perspectives, Uniqueness
Success Rating: 6/B
What’s Strong:
This applicant’s unique background makes him a strong candidate for law school.
He attained a legal education in a country forming its legal system around him. He
therefore has a rare perspective on the birth of law, and he probably has a deep
understanding of the reason and logic behind certain choices new nations make.
The structure is chronological personal history with an interesting background. The
topic is his legal education in Belarus and his challenging move to the United States
just as his law career was beginning. This applicant shows that he has the ability
and dedication to succeed in his own country, and that even given the substantial
obstacles posed by a new culture, he has the intellectual ability and the will to
establish himself as a leader. He also has the motivation and maturity to reenter his
chosen field on the terms set by his new culture, which means for him, starting all
over. This applicant knows what he wants; he has a plan for the future and great
career potential. He works well with people, as demonstrated by his criminal law
professor’s recommendation of him for the internship in Minsk and by his success
within FedEx.
What’s Wrong:
A much stronger essay would cut the first three paragraphs, instead beginning, “In
the past I was one step away from becoming a lawyer, and I am ready and willing to
make it happen again.” As it is now, the first three paragraphs offer platitudes any
applicant could say, without introducing the applicant’s rich personal story. Cutting
these paragraphs allows the writer to set himself apart from the start and gives him
more space to add details about his experiences that will flesh out his narrative.
One or two more sentences could be added about what it was like in Belarus as the
legal system crystallized around the applicant. A good place to put this would be
after the sentence that ends, “…a shortage in knowledgeable law specialists.” One
specific detail or story about the new country’s legal system would dramatically
enhance the essay. For example, the writer could describe the construction of a
new parliament building or the young country’s decision to follow the lead of
another established government. Showing some knowledge of the Belorussian
legal system would substantiate his claim to having already completed a law
degree in Belarus. In the same sentence, the applicant could show he understands
that laws are made on the best models available, and they can change when those
models are updated in certain historical moments. Finally, to show he works well
with people and is comfortable in a leadership position, the applicant could give a
brief description of his management duties with FedEx.
8. Mormon Conflict
People of faith are often told to “be in the world, but not of the world.” Unfortunately,
no one ever specifies which world. For me, there have always been two. The
Mormon world and the world outside seem ever in conflict, and I’ve lived caught
between them. My fight to inhabit both worlds without being defined by either has
made me who I am today and set me on the path to law school.
My struggle with the Mormon world began on my first Friday in kindergarten with
five words from a particularly reverent six-year-old named "Mike Jensen" (the name
has been redacted). My dad was finally taking me to the zoo’s new shark exhibit
that weekend, and I just couldn’t hold in the news. “I’m going to the see the sharks,”
I practically shouted as my class gathered in a circle for large group. My teacher
asked when I’d be going, and I enthusiastically replied, “The day after tomorrow!”
Enter Mike Jensen, sitting cross-legged at the opposite end of a circle that included
nearly every acquaintance I’d made in my short life. As a now familiar look of
dismay played slowly across his face, he offered his five-word condemnation: “But
Daniel, that’s a Sunday.”
So began my alienation from and struggle with the Mormon world. I was a member
of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in name but not necessarily in
spirit. My mother raised me in the church, while my agnostic but supportive father
encouraged me to form my own beliefs. My beliefs did not prohibit me from visiting
the zoo with him on the Sabbath, while my classmates’ fathers--both heavenly and
earthly--forbade it.
My actions clashed with those of more devout Utahans many more times in my
childhood. Sometimes these clashes were humorous, as when I found myself
defending Darwin’s theory of evolution against widespread ridicule from a lunch
table full of high school classmates who subscribed only to the six-day theory. More
often, they were tragic.
The most harrowing experience I’ve ever endured was explaining to my
ecclesiastical leader who was also my grandfather that I would not be serving a
mission for his church (as all nineteen-year-old Mormon males are expected to do),
but would instead be continuing my education at the University of Virginia. After
years of struggling against a culture that desperately wanted me to share its beliefs,
I had finally decided to take my father’s advice and seek out my own. Knowing I
couldn’t do this in Bountiful (yes, it’s really called “Bountiful”) under constant
pressure to fully convert, I disappointed my friends, my congregation, my
grandfather/bishop, and half of my family by forgoing a mission and leaving Utah in
search of what we used to call the “real” world.
I came face to face with that world on my first Friday of college as I watched my
particularly irreverent roommate named "R. Gregory Kingston III" (name has been
redacted) pour three beers down his throat through a funnel. An impressive feat, to
be sure, but not one I hoped to emulate. I had left Utah in search of a place where
one’s faith need not define him and where differences are embraced. As I became
ever more immersed in college’s culture of celebrated cretinism, I realized that such
places don’t really exist.
I was as much at odds with the “real world” as I had been with the Mormon world. I
didn’t drink or smoke, I thought it was a good idea to stave off sex until marriage,
and my idea of a “party” was viewing all three Back to the Future movies in a row
while a rousing game of Scrabble raged on in another room. Though the University
preached a message of understanding and acceptance, my personal mores were
as much under fire there as my doctrinal edicts had been in Bountiful. Making the
difficult daily decisions to forgo alcohol and resist the hook-up culture, I once again
found myself estranged from the world I inhabited.
This Friday, as I sit in my Charlottesville law office, overlooking the colonial
outpost’s historic downtown, I realize that it’s only thanks to my struggles against
those two worlds that I am now able to live in my own. The obviousness of my
differing values forced me to maintain them without apology. Others eventually
came to respect that, and, while I never truly felt a part of either culture, I learned to
thrive in both. I graduated Bountiful High School as a popular student body vice
president with good friends who had stopped trying to convert me. I finished college
(after just three years of identity crises!) with good grades, a strong sense of self,
and a core group of friends who understand and respect my beliefs. Though difficult
at times, my perpetual isolation from a cultural identity forced me to form my own
and taught me to stay true to it.
It also made me fall in love with law for the most visceral of reasons. In law, my
problems do not exist. There are no Mormons and no agnostics in law. There is no
culture and no doctrine. Law concerns itself only with blind justice and the
maintenance of a fair system. As someone who had always been defined by his
faith or lack thereof, I’ve longed to work in a field where it is not an issue. More
importantly, my social alienation has taught me what it’s like to be the one against
many. I know how it feels to defend a harmless zoo trip to a room full of hostile
kindergartners, to espouse Darwin against fundamentalist teenagers, and to be the
only guy holding a root beer at a frat party. I know what it’s like to stand alone
against an unfriendly system, and I find it truly inspiring that Americans are never
forced to do so. Instead, the accused faces the system with an advocate legally
bound to be as infinitely trustworthy as he is loyal. I can think of nothing nobler or
for which my life has better prepared me than to spend my career as that advocate,
against whatever world my client and I face next.
Commentary 8: Mormon Conflict
Structure: Personal Narrative
Topic: Identity Crisis
Thesis: I stay true to my values.
Style: Ethical Appeal
Committee Appeal: Uniqueness
Success Rating: 6/B
What’s Strong:
The wise tone of this statement suggests the applicant is grounded and knows
himself well. His tendency to observe situations and weigh options makes him
seem prudent. His story of “escaping” a repressive Mormon upbringing is
memorable, likeable, at times comic. The story acts as an allegory, showing the
reader that this applicant is not afraid to stand up for what he believes in. He is
kind-hearted, but he is not a people-pleaser. He will be able to stand up for his
beliefs against those who disagree with him, whether those are colleagues in law
school, in a law firm, or on the bench. He makes plans and follows through with
them.
The statement conveys a strength and diversity of thought that will be appealing to
certain law schools such as Berkeley, where this applicant chose to attend.
What’s Wrong:
The biggest problem with this personal statement is that the reader does not learn
about the author’s academic credentials. The writer focuses too much on his
childhood and describing his extracurricular experiences in college. These sections
need to be trimmed down in order to provide more space for describing his
intellectual achievements, work-related impact on others, or real-world experience
related to leadership or problem-solving. The author needs to be aware that when
he describes himself as observant, the admissions committee will also assume that
he is tentative and unsure about swift decisions. He needs to include an example
that assures the committee he has matured beyond that indicator of insecurity.
Another problem with this essay is the author’s idea that law is completely
objective. By saying, “In law, my problems do not exist….There is no culture and no
doctrine,” he comes across as idealistic and naïve. He needs to admit that law is
not without cultural influences. In his own example of Charles Darwin and natural
selection, law confronted religion face to face. Mentioning the Scopes Trial or the
Kitzmiller intelligent design case would add a much-needed boost to the author’s
academic credentials. He might rephrase his concluding paragraph to praise law as
a field studying human rights.
9. New York Artist
“What’s the difference between Elina and a radio?”
My mother has an arsenal of jokes and anecdotes she uses to lovingly embarrass
me whenever we are in public. I was the talkative child of a linguistics Ph.D. student
and Soviet political protest organizer. I learned to speak English by sitting under the
kitchen table while she taught. In 1989, two refugee camps and a homeless shelter
later, I became an immigrant, and some sort of an aspiring linguist myself.
From my mother I inherited an intense idealism, almost to the point of detriment, a
love for language and funny looking toes.
My first languages were visual arts and metaphors. I attended Students Art League
in NYC for 5 years; I took portfolio classes at PS1-MOMA, foundry in college and
wheel throwing at an upstate museum. Language, to me, is any form of expression
that can be used to convey a personal perspective of the world, regardless of
whether it is a visual or verbal medium. In addition to speaking with images, I speak
with fiction writing. In a more traditional sense, I am trilingual, with plans of learning
Spanish this spring in Argentina. When you have a passion for the symbols, the
medium becomes arbitrary.
*****
“Oh my god!!” I screamed in the middle of Dr. Utting’s Stuyvesant High School A.P.
Biology class as I watched an airplane hit the World Trade Center two blocks south
of the school, where my mother was scheduled to attend the Risk Waters Risk
Management Conference at Windows on the World, on the 106th floor. I fell apart. I
left school and started wading my way through the crowd towards the then-standing
towers. Six hours later, I walked into my apartment, shaking off dust. My mother
walked in several hours later. She was late for work.
That week I bought crayons and spent a great deal of time drawing with my mother.
We talked our way through the next few weeks. Before that time, I only had a vague
idea about those principles my mother had fought for so violently during my
childhood. I understood that we had been unsafe in the USSR, because my mother
taught English, because she held secret meetings in our kitchen, and because my
family translated books. After the day that the World Trade Center fell down, ideas
that had seemed foreign and indistinct to me began to solidify. My mother had been
persecuted because she fought for human rights by implanting subversive political
ideals into the community. Whereas I had once felt that the most effective language
I possessed was my artistic voice, I began to see myself in the context of the
political community. My dreams of attending Cooper Union for art morphed into
dreams of becoming fluent in a new language: the semantics of political theory.
When the World Trade Center collapsed, I suddenly realized that while I may live in
New York, I also live in the world. That day was the impetus of my political
awakening, and has thrust me towards the pursuit of an increased fluency in the
language of politics.
I learned that crayons can nurse away fear. I also learned that although visual arts
were, and would remain a passion, as well as my native language, my voice was in
international political discourse. College became my chance to learn to speak this
new language. My concentration sits comfortably between departments. Political
Theory taught me the methodology with which I approached a rigorous
interdepartmental load of courses aimed at understanding the role of race and
racism, religion and gender in history and in politics. Rousseau quickly became my
favorite author, and I have been referencing him ever since. Political and legal
theory is the foundation that I have applied to my studies of race, racism, gender,
power inequality in international discourse, and it may just be the language that I
really learned sitting under a kitchen table in Moscow when I was five.
From my mother I inherited the determination to convey my ideals, to debate, to
argue, to gossip, and yes, funny looking toes. I talk with my hands. I talk with my
pen. I talk with clay, with charcoal, with ink, with my eyes and with the passion of a
neurotic émigré New Yorker.
According to my mom, “The difference is that a radio has an off switch.”
Commentary 9: New York Artist
Structure: Personal Narrative
Topic: September 11 repercussions
Thesis: I am artistic and interested in linguistics.
Style: Idealistic
Committee Appeal: Uniqueness
Success Rating: 4/C+
What’s Strong:
The structure of this essay is a personal political awakening. The topic is the way
September 11 revealed the applicant’s desire to study politics. The writer starts with
an explanation of her cultivation of artistic language and artistic self-expression.
She goes on to say that her experience of September 11 made her want to learn
the language of politics to make a difference in public policy, not just to aestheticize
her protest through artistic self-expression. The mother is a mentor figure who
instills love for language into her daughter and teaches her that there are many sign
systems other than verbal language through which humans communicate and
express themselves. The applicant has a keen understanding of the construction of
language and sign systems generally, which will help her understand the
construction of law and legal language.
What’s Wrong:
There seem to be two essays here. One is about the nature of using sign systems
for artistic self-expression. The other is the desire to make political choices in one’s
life that have tangible returns. The author would do better to pick the first one or to
find a way to better unify the two essays. The applicant needs to give more reasons
for why her sensitivity to communication would make her a good lawyer. The way
the essay is written now, the applicant appears to be so invested in the art world
that it is difficult to believe law school and a legal career would make her feel
fulfilled. It is easy to say the events of Sept. 11 catalyzed her decision to go into law,
but she needs to give more specific details about how she has prepared herself for
a law degree. She needs to let the committee know she understands the demands
of a legal career, and that her creativity is just one aspect of what she has to offer
law school.
The essay offers a jumble of information, and the reader has a hard time
determining the relevance of Rousseau, toes, crayons, and other elements of the
essay to the writer’s interest in law school. It would probably be better to answer the
joke at the beginning. It would also be best to cut all the jokes about toes and to cut
out the drawing with crayons after Sept. 11. These details come across as
immature and unnecessary. The committee would like to know how the applicant
found out more about the new language of politics and law in which she became
interested. In the third paragraph, she should mention the three languages she
already speaks. It is okay to have the Sept. 11 disruption in the middle of the essay,
but the applicant needs to set it up a little bit better in the first three paragraphs. For
example, she could use the words “New York City émigré” closer to the beginning
to make sure the reader grasps that she is a New Yorker. The applicant might want
to remind the admissions committees that Russia was one of the great centers for
the study of linguistics in the twentieth century, and she might consider adding that
she carries on that heritage, passed down from her mother’s teachers, in her
analysis of legal language. Finally, it is easy to mention a great political theorist
such as Rousseau, but it is harder to incorporate that theorist’s ideas into one’s own
philosophy. Ideally, this applicant would quote Rousseau on language, and explain
the quote, in order to tie her love for Rousseau in with her love for linguistics.
Stating that Rousseau was both a political theorist and an artist would allow her to
knit these two aspects of her own character closer together, and it would serve to
unify the two parts of her personal statement.
Chapter 9: The Organizing Quote (Structure)
Published November 2009
This structure typically begins with a quote. It can be a sentence or phrase
someone famous or someone you know said or wrote. Who you quote sets the tone
of the statement. For example, if you use a serious quote by a president or political
figure, you send a message that you care about politics. If you pick a humorous
quote, then you set a humorous tone for the essay, which ideally should be carried
on throughout the essay. If you use a humorous quote by a famous political figure,
then you should strike a tone of worldly understanding with an undercurrent of
pleasant wit. The combinations are as infinite as choice quotes.
If you use this structure, you have a choice of either starting with a quote and
building the essay around the quote, or starting with a tone you would like to set
and choosing a quote that will help you set that tone. Your tone should probably
match your personality. For example, if your personality is upbeat and extroverted,
you would do well to choose a quote that is likewise upbeat. If you are a smart
introvert, your personality will come through best with an intellectually-edged quote,
calculated to penetrate the reader’s mind. You may present yourself in any way you
like, but do be aware of how you are presenting yourself based on the rhetorical
choices you make.
By using a quote, you basically piggyback on someone else’s life, appropriating
their idea or character, standing behind it, and presenting it as your shield. You
want to find ways to incorporate the quote into the main body of your essay. Ideally,
you should return to the quote at the end of the essay and reword it in some way
that is relevant to you. For example, in Essay 11: PR Agency Builder, the author
opens with a comment made to him (“Look, I’m trying to open a PR company…and
I think you’d be a good fit”) and concludes with a similar compliment turned toward
the law school admissions committee (“Look, I’m trying to study and practice law
and I think you’d be a good fit”).
10. Ubuntu
“A person with ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not
feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper selfassurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and
is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or
oppressed.” - Archbishop Desmond Tutu
We could hear the sound of music all the way from the bus. Slowly walking toward
the community center, the sound grew louder. Children step-danced, clapping and
banging on their rubber boots in intricate patterns, offering smiles and high-fives as
we headed inside.
The community center was one of many I visited during a month-long trip to the
Eastern Cape of South Africa last July. Cold, dirt floors, peeling paint, faded posters
on the wall, yet bustling with life. Overcrowded, but not to the point of
claustrophobia. Full of life, energy, commitment to each other. This, we were told,
was the embodiment of ubuntu, a philosophy of southern Africa which means, in
essence, that we are all in this life together. While each center was different in its
own way, each shared these same basic characteristics. But bright eyes masked
fear, vibrant smiles covered uncertainty, and warm hugs served as walls hiding
pain.
Considered one of the epicenters of the HIV/AIDS epidemics in Africa, South Africa
has a current infection rate of one in four. I'd learn later that about half the children
in the yard were infected with the disease. So as I looked around the room of
Xhosa people sitting in folding chairs, some with babies swaddled to their chest, I
couldn't help but divide the room and think that statistically, at least 25 of them
would likely be infected. Most appeared anxious, staring at a volunteer in the front
of the room explaining the AIDS test and their options should their test come back
positive. My wide eyes matched theirs.
I have no personal connection to the disease. I know no one infected, and I know
my New England upbringing has kept me securely sheltered from the world's
famines and epidemics. So one may find it unusual that as I have grown, I have
become so drawn to public health, human rights, and international health policy.
Perhaps the source of my passion indirectly comes from my training as a journalist.
As I progressed through college, my evolving reporting skills changed the way I
digest situations. I notice color more closely, analyze sound in more detail, and note
expressions and facial features more readily. The reporter's notebook in my mind is
constantly filled, reflecting on every moment. Standing in that center in South Africa,
I soaked in the details of my surroundings and was struck by a new feeling – not
only the urge to write about what I was seeing, but to change it. Same were the
details, and the sentences formed in my head as they normally would. But my
perspective had changed. No longer did I want to write about the change makers –
I wanted to be the one making change.
During my college years I sat as an editor of a dogged weekly student newspaper
and freelanced for my city's daily broadsheet. I have interviewed Maya Angelou,
covered riots in the streets of Boston, and tracked the story of a missing autistic
student. I have exposed the failures of Boston's restaurant inspection system, a
task that included close reading and analysis of more than 1500 pages of public
documents. As the first member of my immediate family to earn my bachelor's
degree, I have an intense desire to succeed, to learn as much as I can about
everything, to soak it all in and be as appreciative as possible of the benefits I have
received from education.
My young journalism career has been energetic and passionate, and my attention
to detail and ability to analyze difficult facts and situations has allowed me to be
successful in this field. Some may look at my drive to attend law school as an
abandonment of journalism, but I see it as a commitment to an ideal true journalists
hold close to their heart – the aim of informing the public of the hardships of the
world and, through their words, inspiring social and political change.
But I'm not trying to be heroic – after seeing what I have seen, there can be no
heroics - only doing what is right, what is necessary, what must be done – or not.
You can either embrace the spirit of ubuntu by reaching out to help your fellow man
– or not. I believe that there are significant failures in our country and countries
abroad. Failures in public health, in civil rights, failures in our prisons and in
adequately addressing poverty. I can observe, soak in the moments, the places, the
feelings, and turn them into journalistic story after story, but I have come to realize
in my heart that this is not enough for me.
And so I pursue an education in law so that I may return to Africa, return to the
hundreds of NGOs that make a small but noticeable difference each and every day
in the fight against HIV/AIDS, malaria, tuberculosis, and other diseases plaguing
the continent. In some small way, I know I can make a difference.
I believe that I belong to a greater whole. I strive to make a difference. I strive to
have ubuntu.
Commentary 10: Ubuntu
Structure: Quote
Topic: Experience in South Africa
Thesis: I developed strong verbal and analytical skills as a journalist that I want to
bring to law.
Elements of Style: Vivid descriptions
Committee Appeal: Intellectual Excellence, Real-World Experience, Multiple
Perspectives
Success Rating: 9/A
What’s Strong:
This is a very strong personal statement. The author is obviously an excellent
writer, who has combined logical appeals, with ethical, emotional, and cultural
appeals to produce a statement that will leave many readers with chills. The author
teaches the reader about South Africa and about ubuntu through a story of his
personal experience there. Most of the readers will have no first-hand experience of
South Africa, so the author provides vivid description that conjures up the scene
before the reader’s imagination. This author used keys words like “close reading,”
“analysis,” and “attention to detail,” which immediately catch the eye of the
admissions committee members. Furthermore, the author gives specific examples
of his analytical skills. The writer acknowledges his age and idealism, yet his selfreflection makes him seem wise and dedicated. He also comes across as smart,
determined and caring. He has real-world experience in journalism and in the third
world. He depicts himself as a fresh, positive hard worker and good collaborator
who sees himself as part of a larger picture. It is also impressive that his interest in
journalism took him around the world, to explore crises threatening our world as a
species. While learning about public health and civil rights as a journalist, he
decided he wants to do more than educate; he wants to impact situations by
becoming a lawyer.
This applicant was able to secure not only admissions to but also scholarships from
top law schools, including $60,000 from the University of Chicago and $45,000 from
the University of Virginia. His 3.7 GPA and 172 LSAT are enough to gain admission,
but this exceptional personal statement undoubtedly helped him receive these
scholarship awards.
What’s Wrong:
The applicant might consider adding in a few sentences about any tangible impact
his journalism had on his college or local community. As an editor, was he in charge
of allocating substantial funds? Which classes was he drawn to in college that
might prepare him for law school? Overall, this is an extremely strong statement
with little need for improvement.
11. PR Agency Builder
I had been freelancing two months when Vijay called. “Look, I’m trying to open a PR
company that’ll target the South Asian audience and I think you’d be a good fit,
James.” This struck me as being a little strange, as I’m not South Asian nor had I
ever worked in PR, but Vijay was convinced I’d be able to make it work. “We have
one client right now, a Swedish calling company that’s trying to expand into the U.S.
Can you come to a meeting with one of the founders tomorrow and get started?” I
showed up the next day and six months later, their South Asian user base has gone
from 40,000 to 80,000 and the PR agency has two additional clients, a subsidiary of
the biggest Indian company in the world and an Indian American cable network.
Over the course of building the PR agency, I’ve had to negotiate deals with
newspapers and online publications, coerce editors into running stories about my
clients and persuade companies that my services are worth paying for and that my
marketing and business development plans are worth implementing. Each day I’ve
learned something new about business or working with a diverse group of people
with differing goals, but my job has lacked in that it doesn’t present the deep
theoretical problems and focused analysis that I love.
It was February of my senior year in college, and as I sat in my German Idealism
seminar, another student raised her hand and asked, “But if we can only know
things as they exist in our minds, what would happen if I looked at my brain while I
was thinking of my brain? What would I be thinking of?” The class laughed and the
professor scowled and gave a cursory response to what he thought was a stupid,
surface-level question, but something about it really made me think. Up to that
point, I was immersed in the theoretical world and spent almost all of my time
debating, writing or reading about philosophy, politics and law. Over the last few
months as it became clear that I was the top philosophy major, several of my
professors and close friends lobbied me to apply to graduate programs in
philosophy and get my Ph.D. This path sounded good on the face of it. I enjoyed
writing my honors thesis, reading and analyzing dense texts on theory and debating
with professors and other students. But something about that question had really
struck me: Did I want to spend the rest of my life arguing over points of theory that I
could find no plausible way to connect to the lives of millions of people around me?
Even though I loved theory and writing analytical tracts about philosophy, I knew
that it lacked the “in the world” experience that I craved.
As I worked after college, I found myself reading more and more books on law and
the Constitution. I became the person my friends went to when they had legal
trouble with a landlord or a boss, as I found I enjoyed searching through books of
state and federal code, exploring the law and how it could be applied to my friends’
situations. And then it made sense, the last eight years I’d been preparing to go to
law school. It is a perfect synthesis of my creative, entrepreneurial drive that
focuses on praxis and my inability to ignore deep, theoretical thought and analytics.
As a result, I’m placing the call to [insert] Law School. “Look, I’m trying to study and
practice law and I think you’d be a good fit in helping to achieve those goals, [insert
law school].”
Commentary 11: PR Agency Builder
Structure: Personal Narrative, Organizing Quote
Topic: Entrepreneurial and intellectual drives
Thesis: I excel in as a practical business manager and in the academic sphere.
Elements of Style: Journalistic, elegant writing style
Committee Appeal: Tangible Impact,Leadership, Intellectual Excellence, Real
World Experience, Multiple Perspectives
Success Rating: 8/AWhat’s Strong:
This essay provides an excellent example of an introductory sentence that grabs
the reader abruptly into the story. The statement is included in the “The Organizing
Quote” section of this book because business management guides often advise
entrepreneurs to call up a colleague and say this powerful quote, “I’ve got a
problem, and I think you can help.” The introduction brings together an ideal mix of
humor, action, and responsibility, which makes the main character—the applicant—
extremely likeable. The narrative pulls the reader in, and we feel delight when the
hero helps the PR company grow enormously in six months. This essay has a
journalistic feel, heightened by the first clause, “I had been freelancing two months.”
There’s a sort of 40’s Bogart-film feel to that phrase. The reader is not sure what
intellectual services he’s been offering, but he’s apparently good enough to support
himself at it. He doesn’t particularly need to talk about the freelancing; it’s just
another feather in his cap, as he makes the most out of his 600 words. The reader
surmises that the applicant is likely earning a good income with his work at the PR
company. The author portrays himself to excellent effect as a highly desirable
resource, someone who is wanted by enough professionals that he can pick what
suits him best. This in turn builds desire in the admissions committee for him to pick
their law school. The applicant continues building desire in the admissions
committee by admitting (seemingly reluctantly) he was the top philosophy student in
his university program and that his professors actually tried to persuade him to
become an academic philosopher. (Ideally, this would be backed up with a letter of
recommendation from one of these professors.) The brevity of the statement helps
the applicant because he manages to toss off enormous business and academic
achievements, as if everything comes easily for him and there are many more
achievements he doesn’t have space to include. Whether he is or is not, he comes
across as one of those superhuman people to whom everything comes easily. The
admissions committee should really like this statement because the candidate
demonstrates leadership, teamwork, real world experience, multiple perspectives
and intellectual excellence, all while remaining humble, congenial, and energetic.
This candidate is willing to admit he still has much to learn, and that he, like his
friend Vijay, is willing to ask for help. The final sentence is humorous, but it is also a
powerful analogy calculated to appeal powerfully to the admissions committee: Just
like Vijay trusted the applicant was the best one for the job, the applicant extends
the same trust to the law school admissions committee, flattering them that their
school is the best one to educate him. The candidate also effectually compares the
law school to himself, cementing a bond of high-achievement between the two of
them. This has a way of reversing the power differential, making the admissions
committee members pleased to be compared to this clever candidate. This is a
mature, self-aware person, with a great ethos. He comes across as smart, funny,
subtle, winning, the kind of person people listen to and follow. The candidate gives
evidence that he’s been on top in an international company and in an intellectually
rigorous classroom. His claim that he is intellectually curious, but that he is more
interested in praxis than theory rings true. This is a solid, outstanding statement,
and many admissions committee members will fight for this student.
What’s Wrong:
This is an excellent example of a personal statement. The applicant might want to
mention a few more specific details: what kind of freelance work he did, the topic of
his honors thesis, what he thinks his classmate’s question about the brain reveals.
Overall, this is a very strong statement.
12. Alice in Casinoland
Seven Impossible Things
Spending much of my childhood in casinos has certainly been a formative
experience. For one, I didn’t know the entire arcade floor of Circus Circus, known
as the Midway, closes at midnight on weekends. For another, I didn’t know it is
illegal for a ten-year-old child to be walking through the casino gambling area with
his eight-year-old sister in tow. Fortunately, the casino employees were very helpful
once I explained to them that I was looking for my father. It was not very surprising
then, years later in my freshmen year at college, my parents divorced, and I was
told the family was bankrupted, mired in gambling debt. After all, the time I spent in
casinos has taught me more than the operating hours of Circus Circus or the
Nevada state laws. It has prepared me for the details of my father’s gambling and,
oddly enough, it has prepared me for law school as well.
Most Saturdays, my father would leave my sister in my care at the Midway with
twenty dollars each for the arcade. Although the money was for entertainment, in a
family where the financial tension is palpable, money becomes sacrosanct and the
desire to save is very strong. On one hand, there was the guilt of spending. On the
other hand, however, I was usually left at the arcades for eight hours or more. I may
have been the only child to methodically apply a risk-return analysis to every
arcade game at Circus Circus. My solution was to excel in skill-based games
because those games awarded good players with continuous play. A game that
allows players to compete against each other with the winner continuing indefinitely
was perfect for my budget. As it turns out, this is very conducive to cooperative
learning. The arcade is a very friendly atmosphere and opponents are always
helping and teaching each other. It is ironic that my father unwittingly fostered a
love of collaborative learning by leaving his children by themselves.
My preference for collaborative learning is largely the result of my time at the casino
- I have constantly sought to understand myself in an effort to avoid the same
mistakes as my father. I avoid drinking, smoking and gambling because I may be
predisposed to addictive behavior. According to Black, the oldest child in an
addictive family is labeled the family hero and behaves as “the little adult.” [1] The
child is responsible and typically very intelligent, the mediator, the perfectionist and
the caretaker. It was painful to realize that a complete stranger could describe
aspects of my personality so accurately with a turn of a phrase, but I have learned
to leverage and appreciate the traits that arose from my unique experiences. I have
been the family negotiator, translator and mediator since I was ten. My parents did
not speak English so I was the de-facto conduit between my family and the Western
world. I was also the caretaker. I watched over my sister whether we were at the
casino or at home, and since I graduated, I visit my mother every week and give
part of my salary to her every month. Caring for my family has nurtured a desire to
serve in a boarder context.
I have always held a fascination with the implications of technology on our laws and
conversely our laws on technology. Today, the law is seen as a barrier to
technology and innovation. More often, instead of “the law and technology,” the
attitude in the media and the forums of technical communities has been “the law
against technology.” The Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) is almost
universally hated in the technology world. Understandably, incidents such as when
the Secure Digital Music Initiative (SDMI) censored Princeton Professor Edward
Felten under the DMCA contribute to the outcry of academics and technologists.
These incidents and controversial patents such as Amazon’s 1-Click patent have
raised many concerns. The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office has declared itself
under siege, unable to stem the workload crisis. Critics argue the current system is
stifling innovation with too many vested interests to affect real change.
Undoubtedly, the rabbit hole goes quite deep. As a technologist, I may only be able
to sympathize with the plight of Professor Felton, but as lawyer I will be able to
understand our legal system and participate in the reform.
I am inspired by the humor and energy that exudes from Boalt’s faculty, from Dean
Berring’s quip on how he may hold a record as one of the few students to transfer
out of Harvard Law School to Robert P. Mergers’ jab at the government when he
wrote, “My proposals are directed primarily at the PTO, the courts, and Congress.
Because there is very little chance that any of these entities will act on them, I can
be bold.”[2] The humor and energy is also evident in Berkeley’s balance between
strong education and relaxed quality of life. Dean Berring’s remark on how he
throws out his notes each year to ensure that he thinks about the issues afresh with
the students and to explore them as a group, is a testimonial to this balance.
Furthermore, I am passionate about the public interest and constitutional
implications of emerging technologies, such as the explosive growth of Internet
gambling. The Berkeley Center for Law & Technology, the Berkeley Technology Law
Journal and the student group at boalt.org are ideal institutions to explore the
ethical advancement of technology. These institutions will also allow me to help
others explore their passions and work toward the school’s success - ultimately, it is
a symbiotic relationship, and I can only take as much as I’m willing to give.
According to Freakonomics the following three factors correlate with higher test
scores: the parents are highly educated, the parents speak English in the home and
the parents are involved in the Parent Teacher Association (PTA).[3] My parents did
not finish high school nor did they speak English in the home. My parents did not
participate in their children’s lives, much less in the PTA. But it is because of these
factors, and not in spite of them, that I was valedictorian of my high school,
graduated from college in the top eight percent of my class while working twenty
hours a week, and improved my LSAT from the 48th percentile to the 95th percentile
with three months of preparation. In his essay on business concepts and patent
system reform,Robert P. Merges references the White Queen in Lewis Carroll’s
Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There:
"Now I’ll give you something to believe[" the White Queen remarked.] "I’m just one
hundred and one, five months and a day."
"I can’t believe that!" said Alice.
"Can’t you?" the Queen said in a pitying tone. "Try again, draw a long breath and
shut your eyes."
Alice laughed. "There’s no use trying," she said, "one can’t believe impossible
things."
"I daresay you haven’t had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age,
I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why sometimes I’ve believed as many as six
impossible things before breakfast."[4]
The Midway was my prelude to Boalt’s collaborative atmosphere. It may seem
impossible to believe that Circus Circus is a breeding ground for Boalt Law
students, but perhaps if I was admitted, the White Queen will make time for seven
impossible things before breakfast.
Commentary 12: Alice in Casinoland
Structure: Quote, Personal Narrative, Overcoming Adversity, Analogy
Topic: Casino life
Thesis: I overcame economic disadvantage to excel academically.
Elements of Style: Literary reference to Lewis Carroll
Committee Appeal: Good Law School Fit
Success Rating: 7/B+
What’s Strong:
This applicant chooses to structure his personal statement as a combination of a
personal narrative about overcoming odds and a meaningful quote. There is also a
light undercurrent of problem-solution analysis, which could be made more
palpable. This is a great structure, but the three elements need to be melded
together into one organic whole. The main topic is how the applicant made the best
of growing up in the Las Vegas casino Circus Circus—potentially a wonderfully
unique topic. It is excellent that this applicant researched UC Berkeley Boalt School
of Law and gives specific reasons for why he has chosen Boalt. This statement has
a strong conclusion in which the applicant discovers the theme of his essay, which
he has been setting up all along the way: In the final sentence, the audience learns
the full meaning of the title, which is about daring to achieve seemingly impossible
goals, including getting into a top law school. The conclusion pulls together all
aspects of the essay and ends with a rhetorical flourish that leaves the reader
smiling with comprehension at the clever rhetoric. The applicant incorporated the
recommended changes below, and he was admitted to Berkeley.
What’s Wrong:
All the elements of a good personal statement are here, but they need to be
supported by more academic accomplishments, and the rhetorical links between
the elements need to be strengthened. Nearly half of the personal statement
presents the memories of a ten-year-old, and the central quote comes from a
children’s book. These aspects raise a red flag for the admissions committee, who
might wonder if the applicant has made the transition to mature adulthood, or if he
has had trouble moving beyond the abandonment he experienced in the casino as
a child. So, the applicant must clear away the doubt in the reader’s mind, and to do
this, he can cut back on the amount of space given to descriptions of the casino
and use more evidence from his adult life in college and beyond to demonstrate
that he has all the mature qualities law schools value.
The story the applicant tells is, at its heart, a sad one. That sadness is best
balanced by humorous and witty rhetoric, so that the audience experiences both
joyful playfulness and poignancy. The applicant’s choice to compare himself to the
White Queen in Carroll’s Through the Looking Glass employs a cultural appeal
(mythos) because everyone knows the basic story of Alice in Wonderland. The
White Queen sees possibilities where everyone else sees impossibilities. She is
both ridiculous and wise in Through the Looking Glass. The applicant quotes one of
her wiser comments to Alice just before the White Queen turns into a sheep: “Why
sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” For
the White Queen’s powerful quote to link the beginning, middle, and end of the
essay, though, the White Queen’s quote needs to be connected to Las Vegas. One
way to do this would be simply to use the word “impossible” in the introductory
paragraph, since that is the keyword in the essay. For example, the writer could
describe Las Vegas as, in some sense, an impossible city, a city of larger-than-life
illusion and enthralling spectacle, where many gamblers want to believe they will
beat impossible odds.
If the White Queen took her belief system to Las Vegas, she would probably
bankrupt herself before breakfast. The author, on the contrary, would not, because
he knows the difference between the impossible that is worth fighting for and the
impossible that is not. To make this more evident, the applicant might structure his
essay around six impossibly difficult circumstances he has overcome in his life; for
example, (1) neglect, (2) gambling debt, (3) a language barrier, (4) no educational
precedents, and (5,6) two other circumstances he overcame in college, such as
uniting a diverse group of people for a common academic goal, or solving a difficult
technology problem by using analytical skills and thinking outside the box. Each of
these problems should be given a paragraph, with specific evidence showing that
each was solved, and with each solution came the development of valuable
qualities, including intellectual ability, analytic ability, imagination, motivation,
maturity, organization, teamwork, leadership, self-confidence, and oral and written
communication skills. The seventh impossible thing he currently believes will come
to pass is, of course, that he will be admitted to UC Berkeley Boalt Hall School of
Law.
As the personal statement stands now, the applicant seems to be a loner. Law
school admissions committees would like to see more evidence that he can both
work with a team and delegate. He explains that he developed collaborative
learning skills from being abandoned in the arcade, but he needs to give a specific
example of how he has used his skills in collaborative learning as an adult.
The fourth paragraph is not integrated into the personal statement, and it is not
personal. It should be integrated into the paragraph on some “impossible” aspect of
technology the applicant has overcome. The applicant needs to explain what
relationship he has had with patent law as a technologist, and what makes him
desire to reform the laws. It’s great, however, that he described the quagmire of
“law against technology” as “the rabbit hole,” because this choice of words
continues to pave the way for the White Queen. This would be a good paragraph to
expand on future goals. For example, does the applicant see himself as a patent
lawyer?
Instead of footnotes in a personal statement, one should just mention the name of
the author and the title in the main body of the text. The personal statement genre
is more like a cover letter than an academic essay, so footnotes are out of place.
And finally, double-check that the dean you mention, if you mention one, is still the
dean of the law school.
13. Kentucky Governor’s Scholar
“The measure of a man comes down to moments, spread out like dots of paint on
the canvas of life. Each decision seems insignificant at the time, but the decisions
accumulate until one day you realize that they’ve made you the man that you are.”
***
For nearly eighteen years these words hung at the corner of my mirror, put there by
my mother as a daily reminder of the inherent responsibility we all possess in
shaping the course of our lives. Misplaced during my college transition, I stumbled
across this quote, tucked harmlessly away in my desk drawer, while agonizing over
the creation of the “perfect” personal statement. Immediately I felt a sense of calm
as I was taken back to my quaint Kentucky home, and immediately the impetus for
this statement became obvious.
Going to school in Frankfort, Kentucky, it is impossible to define yourself in
academic terms. In an environment that rewarded mediocre athleticism before
intellectual achievements, and with counselors who, at times, seemed to
deliberately undercut the importance of academic advancement, the skills I had
been taught to value at home simply did not translate into “success” in the outside
world. As a result I actively sought to hide my intelligence, developing a shy
personality and an underwhelming sense of self-confidence that stuck with me
through much of middle and high school. I wasn’t afraid of being made fun of or not
“fitting in,” but, through the subtle socialization process I had been exposed to, I
had begun to discount the skills I possessed, and thus devalue myself as a person.
With the Governor’s Scholars Program, that began to change.
The choice was simple: either I spend the summer working and socializing with
friends, as in the past, or I attend the Governor’s Scholars Program (“GSP”), a six
week program, held at colleges around the state, involving the top 1,000 high
school students in Kentucky. Almost uncharacteristically (being shy I usually
gravitated towards familiarity) I chose GSP, and spent my junior summer at Eastern
Kentucky University researching and discussing a multitude of topics with my fellow
scholars. The dialogues were engaging and professors thought-provoking,
however, the most substantial impact of GSP came not from academic
development but from social exposure. I distinctly remember being called out by Dr.
Foster, my politics professor, when I too-readily conceded an opposing viewpoint
during a heated debate. It was the first time that a teacher had shown any real
interest in my intellectual ability, and the first time that my lack of self-confidence
had resulted in a negative outcome. Experiences such as this, coupled with the
shift in lunch discussion topics from tv shows and gossip to books and favorite
colleges, made me realize that Frankfort was not representative of the rest of the
world and, more importantly, that my poor sense of confidence and adolescent
attempts to “conceal” my intelligence were both self-perpetuating and selfdefeating.
I returned for my senior year with this knowledge, determined to buck the trend of
blaming others for my faults and allowing my environment to dictate my
opportunities. I vigorously prepared for the SAT, researched potential colleges, and,
over the scoffs and eye rolls of my counselors and peers, applied to many of the
nation’s best schools. Luckily I was accepted at Vanderbilt, and again I had a
choice to make.
This time the decision was not so simple. As a Governor’s Scholar, I was
guaranteed a full scholarship to many of the colleges in Kentucky and, although my
parents assured me that they could shoulder the financial burden, I felt almost
remiss in asking them to completely support me for another four years. Moreover,
although they supported my desire to attend a top college, my parents offered to
buy me a car if I stayed in Kentucky. Add to this my friend’s plans for apartments
and summer parties, and the decision became, for me, one between fun vs. work,
friends vs. unfamiliarity, and complacency vs. pursuit of dreams. Yet, building upon
the impetus from GSP, I choose to pass on the car, guaranteed friends, and familiar
surrounds, preferring instead to attend Vanderbilt, an option that I viewed as both a
challenge and a new start; a place where my old self would be merely a shadow, a
place where I would be free to succeed on my own terms.
The last four years at Vanderbilt have been amazing. I’ve had the opportunity to
study abroad, tutor local children, and meet lifelong friends. Still, it would be
impossible for me to detail the impact of these four short years in two pages, and
thus I choose to present you with what I believe to be the two most important
decisions in my life. Without these two seemingly minute choices, I would never
have overcome my lack of confidence, never have allowed my intellectual curiosity
to wander, never have felt as if I “belonged” in the world I had idealized outside of
Frankfort, and, most importantly, never have been able to assertively make my
most recent decision: that of attending law school. This decision leads me again
into unfamiliar territory; by graduating from Vanderbilt, I will be the first in my family
to receive a four-year degree, and thus, in attending law school, I will also be the
first to pursue a professional degree. I whole-heartedly welcome this challenge, and
will pursue it with the same curiosity, maturity, and conviction that I have shown
throughout the first 21 years of my life. I sincerely hope to see you in the fall. The
decision is now yours.
Commentary 13: Kentucky Governor’s Scholar
Structure: Quote, Regional Uniqueness
Topic: Growing up in Kentucky
Thesis: The Governor’s Scholars Program helped me redefine my life goals.
Elements of Style: Gaining self-confidence
Committee Appeal: Hard-working
Success Rating: 4/C
What’s Strong:
This essay opens with a quote that is meaningful to the candidate. He uses this
quote to guide his chronological narrative of personal growth from a quiet teenager
into an accomplished young adult. He gives arguments for why the major
intellectual events in his life were “choices.” The impetus for his success came from
within himself, and this shows him to be an intelligent and driven applicant.
What’s Wrong:
This candidate represents himself too negatively throughout the essay. A personal
statement is never the place to confide insecurities to an admissions committee that
is looking for reasons to reject candidates. This candidate shows us images of
himself as a shy, insecure teenager, but he does not counter those with specific
details of himself as a leader and risk-taker in college. This leaves the reader
unsure how far the applicant actually came out of his shell and to what extent he
developed his intellectual, analytical, and social skills.
The writer needs to cultivate a more charismatic personality. That could be as
simple as cutting out all the negative self-assessments. He also needs to give the
admissions committee more evidence for why he would make a good addition to
their law school class. This will probably need to come from several more specific
details about achievements in college, such as winning a debate contest,
organizing an academic event abroad, or working closely with a professor on an
honors thesis argument. These could also fit in the theme of “choices” that have
made him the person he is. The two choices he currently describes—GSP and
Vanderbilt—should be significantly cut down to make room for more mature choices
in college. Right now his argument is: Twice I picked my education over my friends,
so I should be admitted to law school. This is not enough to be accepted.
The essay would be stronger if in the first paragraph everything after “desk drawer”
were cut. Instead of addressing the admissions committee, the applicant could
include one sentence telling us what it’s like to grow up in the Appalachian
Mountains in Kentucky, which has traditionally been one of the poorest states in the
U.S. This should not be an openly negative assessment. This would emphasize his
geographical diversity compared to the other candidates. The second paragraph
should be cut completely. He could simply write, “I chose to spend my junior-year
summer at Eastern Kentucky University researching and discussing a multitude of
topics with my fellow scholars. The Governor’s Scholars Program invited the top
1,000 high school students in Kentucky to meet and study together during a sixweek summer program at several colleges around the state. I distinctly remember
being called out by Dr. Foster, my politics professor, when I too-readily conceded an
opposing viewpoint during a heated debate. It was the first time a teacher had
shown real interest in my intellectual ability. [The next class meeting I did not
concede as easily, and by the end of the summer, I had made great progress in my
debate and argumentation skills, etc].
“I returned to Frankfort for my senior year determined to attend the best college I
could. This was an important choice for me, since neither of my parents graduated
from college. I vigorously prepared for the SAT, researched potential colleges, and,
over the scoffs and eye rolls of my counselors and peers, applied to many of the
nation’s best schools. I was proud to have been accepted to Vanderbilt. My parents
offered to buy me a car if I stayed in Kentucky, but I chose the intellectual challenge
of Vanderbilt, a place where I would be free to succeed on my own terms.” By
composing it this way, the shyness and lack of self-confidence are vaguely there,
but not sinking the essay. The remainder of the essay should be filled with specific
examples of “curiosity, maturity, and conviction” in college. The moments the
applicant chooses to describe would fit the essay best if they showed him
gravitating toward law and developing the best qualities of a lawyer: teamwork,
leadership, excellent written and oral communication skills, excellent analytical
abilities, excellent argumentation skills, or attention to detail. The essay would also
be stronger if the references to law school in the last paragraph were cut. A
candidate may choose to go to law school, but ultimately, the law school chooses
the candidate. All the candidates applying to law school have chosen law, so it adds
nothing to say one has chosen law, as if one is doing the profession a favor.
Furthermore, admissions committees generally do not like direct address,
especially to be told the decision is theirs. They know that, and the rhetorical move
is useless.
It would be better to end the essay by returning to the opening quote. The author
could research where the quote came from and mention this at the end, perhaps
adding a coda speculating a little further on the quote. For example, the applicant
could complicate his quote by adding that some moments do not seem like a
choice: a path simply appears that is irresistible to the prepared mind. The dots of
paint one day are suddenly not an abstract work of art; a picture has emerged, and
the psyche, then, finally, knows itself.
Chapter 10: The Character Sketch (Structure)
Published November 2009
The character sketch is a structure (rather than a topic) because it is a style of
writing that can be applied to any specific topic. Myriad things beside individuals
have a character: a group of people, a group of houses, an industry. In Essay 14:
South Dakota, the writer describes the character of a region. In Essay 15:
Magazine Industry, the writer describes the character of her career field, and in
Essay 16: Russian Grandfather, the applicant describes the character of an
individual. In the personal statement genre, a character sketch is typically used to
add vivid descriptive details and to create a character that the author then defines
himself or herself against. With a counterweight, the author can also paint herself in
more complicated shades of gray. Including a character sketch helps trim down the
ego in a personal statement, reducing the number of tedious sentences beginning,
“I….” With this structure, avoid openly criticizing someone or some group. Show
qualities or values of that group, which leads readers to make their own conclusions
about the character you are sketching. This invites readers to be mentally engaged
with the writing while they evaluate the character for themselves; this also keeps
you from seeming too judgmental. This type of structure is the gateway to good
storytelling.
14. South Dakota
Home for me is a small, sturdy town in West River South Dakota—whose conflation
with the comparatively gentrified and green farmland east of the Missouri River is to
be made only at the risk of rough correction by residents of both bank sides. My
mother, however, draws her roots from Omaha, Nebraska, a location that earned its
place on my personal map as the site of my school holidays. Although separated by
a length of exactly six hours seated in the right-hand backseat of the family car, it is
in the overlap of these two places I have found two of my most important resources,
curiosity and determination, with which I confront obstacles and opportunities.
When in Omaha, I would often explore the childhood bedrooms of my mother’s
eight siblings. These old rooms with their shelves and closets filled by books
became for me miniature, delightfully idiosyncratic libraries. Tucked away from the
cheerful din of the waves of kith and kin washing through my grandmother’s
doorway, I pilfered these goldmines and in doing so discovered the vista of my
mind’s eye—a landscape that would powerfully influence my intellectual world to
come. Through the course of countless Thanksgivings and winter breaks, I gobbled
down stretches of Nancy Drew adventures (including every mystery solved by that
titian haired sleuth before 1979). Eventually I passed from Nancy Drew to de
Quincy and Dickens
I brought my fascination with literature home as a hobby to Winner, where people
seemed to be most seriously interested in reclaiming that 1996 state football
championship and by if it would rain enough for the sunflowers to get ahead of the
weeds. Although I never did get a very tight grasp on football’s finer points, the
capacity for persistence that I gained while growing up in Winner formed the
foundation on which I later laid academic pursuits. Of what I have accomplished in
my areas of study, very little can be credited to miraculous flair or native instinct.
The bulk of my academic personality may be defined by “try”—the word people in
rodeo stands use when they refer to the rider who is jumping over the arena fence,
trampled hat in hand after a particularly valiant, if unsuccessful ride. The word is, of
course, just another way (ungrammatical at that) to refer to passion and hardihood.
Still, the noun form of “try” has been in my lexicon since childhood, and it is thanks
to the special circumstances of my modern-day rural upbringing in the Midwest that
I developed my sense of steady perseverance. The many ranching and farming
friends and family who daily confront both natural obstacles and, increasingly,
upheavals in the very structure of the agricultural way of life have shown me the
worth of working, and working hard.
Shortly after my eighteenth birthday, another signal six-hour drive brought me to
Nebraska’s small capital city, where I enrolled in the state’s flagship university. A
short distance from the scene of my childhood holidays, I now had the resources of
the region’s largest university at hand. No longer confined to the book collections of
my aunts’ younger days and the even less complete collection found in the old local
library, I learned to abide by an old maxim. Rather than pull books off shelves
according to the talent of their cover artists or slavishly follow titian-haired sleuths
across multiple authors and decades, I have learned to pursue rational trains of
inquiry. I anticipate with pleasure the further developments of my intellectual
capabilities that the study of law will bring.
Commentary 14: South Dakota
Structure: Personal Narrative
Topic: Growing up in the Midwest
Thesis: I am observant and shrewd.
Elements of Style: A literary statement, showing the applicant is a reader and a
great writer.
Committee Appeal: Intellectual Excellence, Regional Uniqueness
Success Rating: 7/B+
What’s Strong:
This essay has a powerful regional voice and brilliant local color. The author writes
with such comic charm of Midwestern towns that the piece is irresistibly pleasant to
read. From the description of her hometown as “sturdy” in the first sentence to the
comic suspense about whether the sunflowers will “get ahead of the weeds,” the
author shows she is an extremely talented, and highly-trained, creative writer. It
might be hard for the untrained eye to notice the subtleties that make this essay a
work of art, but they are there, and because of this, the author releases herself from
some of the conventions of the law school personal essay. She’s therefore free to
let her regionalism seem to get ahead of her ambitions, when all the while she is
showing off her rhetorical skill. This author uses doublespeak to present herself as
an innocent from South Dakota and to turn a keen and comic eye on the places of
her youth and the idiosyncrasies of the residents, including her own family. She is
effectively winking at admissions committee members at top law schools on the
coasts, and giving them a delightful Willa Cather-like release from the tedium of law
school personal statements. This candidate has a personality and intelligence that
comes through loud and clear in her writing.
What’s Wrong:
The applicant does not tell us anything about her accomplishments in college; we
don’t even learn her major! Nor do we have any indication that she is even
interested in the law, much less a compelling sense of why she should be chosen
over other articulate—and law-loving—applicants. She should keep the hilarious
paragraph on the rodeo, but if there is enough space, she should give the reader
another chapter of her personal narrative about what happens when she gets to
college, with new characters and new comic, shrewd observations. Perhaps there
was one creative writing professor who took her under his or her wing but who
ended up fostering not a future M.F.A. student but a scholar with a passion to
pursue the J.D. Without being too obvious, this would encourage the admissions
committee members who were reading fast, to take another look.
15: Magazine Industry
The early morning light flooded the studio as I nervously began to unpack over a
quarter of a million dollars worth of product onto eight consecutive tables. I knew I
had to move with speed and precision. It was 7:30 AM, and every glass, vase and
blanc de chine figurine needed to be on display, labeled and its packaging neatly
stored by the time the photo-shoot began at 10 AM. Most importantly, nothing could
be broken. My hands trembled as I unpacked Baccarat pieces worth more than my
yearly salary, but I moved quickly, and by the time the photographer and stylist were
ready to begin, everything was in its place.
It was my first photo-shoot as the decorating intern for the XYZ Magazine. I was
excited, eager and extremely oblivious. Having landed such a coveted position—an
eight-month paid internship acting as the department’s assistant—I was ready to
contribute and absorb as much as I could from those around me. Little did I know
that at photo shoots I was to be like a child in a strict household: seen and not
heard.
I’ve always been curious, and eager to learn, perhaps to a fault. I want to know not
just the cause of the effect, I want to understand why the whole process has
occurred. As a result, not knowing the politics of my environment, I politely asked
editors questions during the down time. “What makes that shot ‘organic’”? “Why did
you select those pieces for the table vignette?” I quickly deduced that I would be
better off observing as much as I could, taking notes, and asking questions later.
Even after I outgrew the role of intern and became a full-fledged Editorial Assistant
at ABC magazine, I still wanted to understand as much as I could about the industry
and to grow within my position. I knew I needed to work on more challenging
projects to move ahead, and I also knew wouldn’t received them unless I asked. Six
months later my persistence paid off. I was rewarded with my first byline: an article
about mess makeovers—which was fairly ironic considering I am the queen of
clutter.
In the last four years as I’ve slowly climbed the editorial ladder, I’ve consistently
demonstrated curiosity, a love of learning, ambition and the desire to challenge
myself—all qualities I believe are essential to excelling in the study of law. Though
working in the magazine industry has been exciting, and at times glamorous, I want
to work in a field where the fruits of my labor are felt more deeply than a set of
bound pages that will eventually find their way to the trash. I want to work in a field
that makes a difference in my life as well as others. I know law is that field. I hope
that you will allow me the opportunity and privilege to spend the next three years
studying, learning and continuing to challenge myself at [insert name] University.
Commentary 15: Magazine Industry
Structure: Personal Narrative, Character Sketch
Topic: Leaving the magazine industry
Thesis: I succeeded as an editor, but I need more of a challenge.
Elements of Style: Sensory language
Committee Appeal: Tangible Impact, Real World Experience
Success Rating: 6/B
What’s Strong:
This personal statement could be said to sketch the character of the magazine
industry. One needs to be careful that the character or industry sketch doesn’t
overtake the applicant’s presentation of his or her character. The applicant needs to
position himself or herself within or against the sketch. If within, then it will help us
understand where the applicant is coming from; if against, then we can assume the
applicant has values opposite to what he or she describes. This applicant appears
to have values opposite to those valued in the magazine industry, where she chose
to make her first career. The reader can assume that she values exploring new
situations with questions and generously teaching those who have less knowledge
than she does. She values openness and friendliness, depth of analysis, and
endurance.
This candidate has diversity appeal because she has had a career in the magazine
industry, so she brings a completely different perspective on the world than
someone fresh out of college. She composed a lovely narrative introduction of her
first photo shoot as a decorating intern; one immediately wonders what kind of
product is worth over a quarter of a million dollars. Technology? Something illegal?
And then comes the answer: fine art. Someone trusted her to arrange these
valuable pieces, and because she has been put in a position of such responsibility,
she has made a tangible impact in the real world. To make the introduction even
better, she might say what the shape of the Baccarat figurine was, so the reader
can make a lasting mental image of the wonderful scene.
What’s Wrong
Much more could be made of this essay! An enormous opportunity is here, but the
candidate has made several poor rhetorical choices. It is okay to make a career
change, but an admissions committee will expect a candidate to give specific
examples as evidence of the qualities and skills one did develop in the career that
will translate well to law school. This essay reads more like a defense of her
decision to leave the magazine industry than a mature decision to change fields
and carry all of her skills and experience to her next career. When the applicant
does make brief claims about her qualities—“curiosity, a love of learning, ambition
and the desire to challenge myself”—she does not back these claims up with
specific evidence. Everyone has curiosity, love of learning and ambition. Telling the
committee this accomplishes very little. The candidate might show curiosity by
saying she took notes and gathered questions during photo shoots and meetings;
she then asked photographers and senior editors for 10-15 minutes of their time at
their convenience. As it is, the candidate says she wants to learn, but she gives in
to the “seen and not heard” atmosphere too quickly. Admissions committees would
like to see more evidence of persistence or else more reflection on her experience
of being silenced by work politics.
This applicant demonstrates more persistence when she asks for and gets to
author an article. The reader wants to be happy for her but is prevented by being
told that the article is on something she doesn’t care about. On top of that, the
reader finds out the applicant is “the queen of clutter.” It’s an attempt at humor,
which is good, but it falls flat because law schools don’t want disorganized
students. Remember, law schools are trying to find weak points so that they can
reject a candidate; it’s the candidate’s job to keep turning to hide minor weaknesses
such as messiness. Did writing the first article help make her more organized? That
would be a positive outcome. The reader does wonder if the applicant only had one
byline in her magazine industry tenure. The applicant should include other
responsibilities she sought: Did she get other articles; what were they about? She
should also evaluate the effects this job had on her: what real world experiences
made her more savvy, mature, or better able to handle tough situations?
The applicant’s reason for leaving the magazine industry is very weak, and her
reasons for pursuing a legal education are also weak. She says she has
determined to leave the magazine world because her work ends up in the trash.
This is a very negative perspective that makes her appear like she’s failed at art
magazine journalism. She would benefit more by reminding the admissions
committee that she had thousands of readers, and her article likely inspired many
people to organize themselves! She should not say her job was “at times
glamorous”; that will put off the committee members by sounding shallow. Finally,
the desire to go to law school doesn’t make her a good candidate. A strong
candidate will give the admissions committee ample evidence of intellectual
excellence needed to succeed in law school.
16. Russian Grandfather
“The options are simple,” my parents told him. “Either you come with us or you will
never see her again.” My grandfather sighed and responded, “Where my heart
goes, my body must follow.” And with that he left the only home he had ever known
(a small town in the Soviet Union), suffered what became a permanent
estrangement from his brother and father, and began the journey to a new life in the
United States for the person he claims is his passion, me. This is a moment I do not
remember—I was only three years old at the time—but one that has shaped the
person I am today.
My grandfather has survived not only what others couldn’t survive but also what
most people cannot even imagine. Born just a few years before the start of WWII,
my grandfather was a member of a Jewish family living in the USSR during the
Holocaust; at one point, he was put on a wagon that was headed for a
concentration camp, but in the confusion surrounding the forced deportation, his
mother managed to yank him off the cart and leave the area so fast that the wagon
departed without my grandfather. While all this was going on, my grandfather’s
father was in the Soviet military, fighting and becoming permanently injured for the
country that allowed the persecution of his family.
My grandfather’s teenage years were not much better; he came into adulthood
during Stalin’s reign, a time of persecution and loss. In addition to the daily struggle
to survive, my grandfather suffered the loss of his mother and his sister to cancer
when he was very young. My grandfather was lonely, hungry and persecuted for
much of his young life, and yet, despite these circumstances, he managed to
become a celebrated soldier in the Soviet army, a dedicated professor at a
technical college and a happily-married man.
But my grandfather’s success and happiness were short-lived. In 1984, my
grandparents were forced out of their respected careers and into low-paid factory
jobs because of their religion. When I was born into this family in 1985, we all lived
together in a one-bedroom apartment in a small, rural town. My mother, father and I
shared the living room, while my grandparents and my mother’s younger sister
shared the bedroom. We survived on the meager salaries of my father and
grandfather as well as the added income from my mother’s night shifts at a local
alcoholism treatment clinic and my grandmother’s ability to trade labor for
necessary foods such as sugar and meat.
In 1989, when my grandfather made the fateful decision to follow his heart, my
grandparents, parents, aunt, and I traveled to Italy on our way to America with the
coveted status of political refugees. This, of course, did not stop the officers of the
Communist Party from confiscating the small amount of money, jewelry and
valuables we were able to acquire before we left. Somehow, my family was able to
survive the six-month layover in Italy before arriving in America where they began
the grueling task of survival by working two and three jobs. My father left us shortly
after our arrival in Chicago, and the family was forced to rely on one less salary. My
grandfather would be up at four in the morning for work so that his lunchtime could
be spent on the 1.5-mile walk to take me to a family friend who would watch me
until my mother could leave one job to pick me up and go to another.
And though it would be logical to believe that no time was spent enriching the life of
the four-year-old they were raising, my family did the impossible and managed to
pay full attention to my development. Despite the fact that each member of the
family worked two or three jobs, my family was determined to raise a culturally and
intellectually educated child. As a result of this determination, I have vivid memories
of riding atop my grandfather’s shoulders during the weekly trips we took to
Chicago museums, art galleries, and libraries. When I began to speak English
better than Russian, my newfound language skills created something of a barrier
between my grandfather and me, but he managed to be my father, grandfather and
teacher throughout my early childhood.
My grandfather taught me to skate, to fish, to throw, to bike, and to cook. He taught
me the meaning of hope, passion, dedication and love. But most of all he taught me
how to be strong and reach for goals that may seem unattainable. From him I
learned that anything can be overcome, that it is possible to carve your own path
and that there are people who, with all the obstacles against them, will succeed and
sacrifice for others.
Most of all, in his own way, my grandfather introduced me to the legal system. My
grandfather was a victim of vicious anti-Semitic laws in his country of origin but the
beneficiary of favorable immigration laws in this country. From the laws that
oppressed my family in Russia to those that allowed us to start over in America and
become citizens, the legal system has been intertwined with every aspect of my life.
Through the study and practice of law, I hope to be able to do for others what my
grandfather did for me. I’m already looking forward to the moment at graduation
when the dean of the law school confers the degrees—and if I’m very lucky, my
grandfather will be at the ceremony to share the moment with me.
Commentary 16: Russian Grandfather
Structure: Character Sketch
Topic: Mentor
Thesis: My grandfather influenced me to want to be a lawyer, and I want to please
him.
Elements of Style: Pathos of grandfather; Tragedy of Russian Jews in the
twentieth century
Committee Appeal: Multiple Perspectives
Success Rating: 4/C
What’s Strong:
This is a touching personal statement that immerses the reader into twentiethcentury world history through a personal narrative. The applicant structures the
essay around what she has learned from an important mentor: her grandfather, and
gives a good sketch of his character. The topic is her grandfather’s struggle to raise
her standard of living and educational opportunities. The applicant describes how
she has been the hope grounding a persecuted and uprooted family. This personal
statement is rich in pathos, so it makes the admissions committee feel emotion. It
also brings the cross-cultural tragedy of the Holocaust to a personal level for the
admissions committee, who will be moved by the grandfather’s story.
What’s Wrong:
This personal statement is about the grandfather and not the applicant. The
admissions committee members will likely be very touched by the story, but they
learn nothing more about the applicant than that she has Russian-Jewish heritage
and an immigrant work ethic. This is not enough for her personal statement to work
to her advantage. The committee is going to be looking for her accomplishments
and qualities in addition to the obstacles her family overcame to put her in a
position to succeed. The personal statement is more than a personal narrative; it is
a genre in which the applicant chooses narratives based on what they teach the
audience about the applicant’s achievements, skills, and potential for success. This
narrative doesn’t teach the audience about the applicant’s achievements or skills.
This writer needs to pare down the grandfather’s story and use the extra space to
tell her own. As described here, the grandfather has a great moral character
(ethos), but the applicant hasn’t developed her authority: Her character (ethos)
needs to rise above the story of the grandfather. She can do this by providing more
arguments for why she should be accepted to law school. This way the essay will
better balance logical and emotional appeals, whereas now it relies almost
exclusively on emotional and cultural appeals. For example, in the sixth paragraph,
the author describes, “Weekly trips we took to Chicago museums, art galleries, and
libraries.” The applicant needs to interpret this for the admissions committee in a
way that points out her unique, remarkable qualities: She might explain how these
trips helped her fit her story into a more international narrative. This, combined with
her personal history, gave her a better perspective on international affairs than most
Americans possess. She could also explain how these weekly trips to museums
cultivated her individual style and self-confidence as she became familiar with the
great works of art housed in Chicago. Interpreting the narratives by showing what
positive qualities they developed in the applicant will give the admissions committee
reasons to admit an applicant, not just sympathy for her family’s plight.
This applicant needs to provide more information for the admissions committee
about educational and (if applicable) employment experiences, because these
stories will show her adult qualities and characteristics. Right now the essay only
describes the memories of a very young child. The essay tells the reader that the
applicant values reaching for goals that may seem unattainable, but it doesn’t show
the reader how she has reached for goals and succeeded in her own life. What
were some of her accomplishments in college? In the penultimate paragraph, the
writer would do well do speak more specifically about her interest in the law. For
example, is immigration law her primary interest? Rhetorically, it is fine to break
away from the theme of the grandfather, but it is always good to return to the main
theme at the end of the essay. Perhaps instead of the vision of law school
graduation at the end—which leaves the reader contemplating the inevitable death
of the grandfather—the applicant could repeat her grandfather’s quote, but within
the context of her life and goal to attend law school: “Where my heart goes, my
body must follow.”
Chapter 11: Overcoming Adversity (Topic)
Published November 2009
If you have overcome a major adversity in your life, often manifest as a tragedy that
demonstrates your resourcefulness, commitment and energy to overcoming loss,
then you should consider writing about that topic. In this chapter, you will find
statements on political violence, alcohol-related death, rape, and diagnosis of
debilitating disease. These topics are traumatic instances of loss, usually relating a
story in which the applicant experiences a major life change. Adversity statements
can be considered a type of diversity statement. When writing on overcoming
adversity, an applicant reveals how his or her distinctiveness was forged in
response to a crisis. With this topic, one usually seeks to show courage under
pressure. The writer accepts that something awful happened and shows what he or
she did to help make the new situation better. This is usually an emotional
statement, in which the applicant showcases his or her leadership skills. These
statements are typically not humorous, but they can be inflected with humor that
balances the emotion, as in Essay 17: Kenyan Immigrant.
17. Kenyan Immigrant
Professors boycotting classes due to nonpayment of salaries. Idle students rioting
against the injustice of a careless government leaving a deserted campus like a
war-zone. I had experienced many educational strikes during my schooling years in
Kenya, but none like the one that occurred in 1996. I was an undergraduate student
at the University of Kenya studying law. The professors had not been paid for six
months and their strike was intended to draw the government’s attention towards
this injustice. Most students either left the campus or joined in the rioting, but
fuelled by my passion for education and empathy for the lecturers, I organized
study groups for students in my class sections, Legal Methods and Torts, to help
those who wanted to review the work we had covered thus far. Further, I joined the
student committee that was set up to petition to the government to end the strike,
but I knew that the government was not one to be persuaded into doing anything.
Eleven months after the strike continued, I made a difficult decision to leave family
and friends to pursue my education in the United States.
My father raised me to believe I could do all things if I set my mind to it. This
prepared me for my first taste of life in the United States—my father’s sister whom I
secretly referred to as the “Iron Lady” because I never remembered seeing a smile
on her face. She forcefully enrolled me in the local community college and said it
was at least better than any college I could have attended in Kenya. To her
surprise, I made the Dean’s list and was one of the two selected out of 40,000
students to represent my college at the “All Missouri Academic Team,” for which I
received a plaque from the Governor of Missouri. My aunt smirked when I
mentioned that I had applied to Princeton. She didn’t think I had a chance to attend
a prestigious school, musing that prestigious schools were for the rich. The day I
received my acceptance letter into Princeton, I knew that my journey towards the
pursuit of knowledge had begun, and never again will I be denied the attainment of
education because of reasons for which I had no control.
My curiosity about the economies of developing countries brought about my major
of Economics. I completed the intense degree in four semesters, not the six it would
take an average student to complete, a feat my faculty advisor thought was
impossible to accomplish given the very intense curriculum. I wrote for the Argus,
the Princeton paper and enjoyed the process of getting bits and pieces of
information and putting them together to make a coherent news story.
It is exactly a decade since I left my family in pursuit of education, but my passion
to use my life and career to make a difference still remains. This passion has
animated the many causes I have advocated through my work as the Director of
Public Relations for the Kenya Business Forum and my active involvement in the
Fate Foundation. I was able to organize book drives that resulted in over 2,000
books being donated to improve the libraries of some government-run schools in
Kenya. Through my role as Operations Accountant in the Information Management
and Investment Performance Departments at Morgan Stanley, I was responsible for
ensuring that the company’s Board of Directors received adequate financial
highlights for the performance of the company’s over 250 mutual funds. The
preparation of these highlights often entailed research into the complex legal and
transparency issues that surround many mutual fund and investment transactions. I
have worked closely with the legal department of the company and have learned a
great deal about Corporate Law, Corporate Finance and Securities Law. I have
seen the law in action, and I am intrigued by the intricacy and subtlety of this
instrument.
My study of the legal profession and my interest in applying it towards social justice
will be informed by my numerous experiences of social injustice in my home
country of Kenya. No one should be denied the opportunity to be educated or be
denied their means of sustaining a living due to reasons they have no control over.
My intent is to spend a few years after passing the bar practicing law to gain
practical experience. After that, I would like to obtain an LLM and teach Law.
Though the experience I had teaching law courses during the strike cannot be
compared to the real act of teaching as a law professor, the patience, determination
and passion that motivated me to teach during the strike, I believe, are the core
qualities that constitute a true teacher.
Though I still believe that I can do all things, if I set my mind to it, I also know that I
cannot change the entire world. Nevertheless, I feel an obligation as a human being
to make the biggest difference that I can. With the knowledge of the law and by
using it to address social ills across the globe, I will help build to a society that is
fairer tomorrow than it is today. As a law student, I look forward to sharing my
experiences with my classmates and to learning the skills that will help me
accomplish this goal.
Commentary 17: Kenyan Immigrant
Topic: Overcoming Adversity (Immigration from a third-world country)
Structure: Personal Narrative
Thesis: I beat the odds by being admitted to Princeton, where I excelled and
influenced others, and I can do it again.
Elements of Style: The iron lady; themes of racial, class, and national prejudice
Committee Appeal: Tangible Impact on Individuals or Groups, Intellectual
Excellence, Real World Experience, Multiple Perspectives, Pro-Active Starter,
Uniqueness
Success Rating: 10/A+
What’s Strong:
This is an exceptional personal statement that admissions committee members will
really like. Never once has this applicant backed down from goals, and the harder it
got for him, the higher he reached. He structures the statement as a chronological
personal history and writes specifically about his academic journey from Kenya to
Princeton to working for a large corporation.
The most gripping aspect of this personal statement is the author’s valuable
personality (his ethos). The essay begins with vivid images of idle students rioting
and a strong sense of the moral dilemma of the professors: confront exploitation or
stay committed to students. In the wake of the breach, this student takes over the
mantle of the teacher, and this is how he first chooses to establish his credibility in
the essay, thus showing in a crisis, he is a leader. He also uses logical persuasion
to great effect. For example, the writer’s explanation of his decision to major in
economics is a masterstroke: with astonishing verbal economy—just 14 words—the
author offers an important and compelling rationale for his undergraduate major:
“My curiosity about the economies of developing countries brought about my major
of Economics.” This not only helps the committee understand him better but also
shows that the applicant understands himself.
In the second paragraph, the applicant uses humor to provide a character sketch of
his aunt in Missouri. Then he plays off that humor in the rest of the paragraph as he
describes his successes by the facial expressions of the Iron Lady. Her smirk when
he applies to Princeton is wonderful, because it perfectly captures her frustration
with class injustice and her secret pride in her nephew’s achievements. The essay
reaches a climax at the end of the second paragraph, when the applicant gets into
Princeton. This floods the essay with a sense of accomplishment and excitement,
because the applicant has used education to get to the heart of the beast that
controls power. And he used his formidable writing skills combined with his personal
history to get there. He also says he is in control of his life, and he has shown it by
rising to all academic challenges. He completed a rigorous major in two years
instead of three, and no one will doubt a major at Princeton is rigorous.
Throughout the essay, the applicant mentions the areas of law he has studied and
is interested in, which shows that he has been taking steps to ensure a successful
law degree for many years. He also gives evidence for other positive qualities in
himself. For example, he wrote for the Princeton newspaper, giving evidence for his
aptitude with analytical reasoning and verbal communication skills. And he collected
2,000 books for Kenyan schools, demonstrating that he has impacted many people.
He understands the complexity of investments, and has worked for significant
companies in the business world and has tried to learn about corporate law from
hands-on training. He compares law to a complex instrument, a subtle and apt
analogy, because it lets us know in a few words that he understands the law as
man-made construction that aids human society but that needs specialized
technicians to service it.
In the fifth paragraph, the applicant returns to the opening narrative, interpreting
both his story and that of his Kenyan professors. He lays out his plan for practicing
law for a few years and then teaching law. He backs up this last claim by reminding
the reader that he already possesses the qualities that motivate an excellent
teacher, which he demonstrated when he proactively organized his peers during the
strikes in Kenya and took on the role of a teacher. In the final paragraph, he shows
his humility, but then quietly overwhelms that again with a rhetorical flourish
signaling his desire to work with classmates, students and his fellow man.
What’s Wrong:
This is an excellent example of a personal statement.
18. Gordie Day
I believe that my experiences as an undergraduate at the University of Colorado
are what have most prepared me to become a successful law student.
During my freshman year at CU-Boulder, I quickly became a leader within my
fraternity. Shortly after initiation, I assumed the position of Music Chairman. The
following year, I held two elected offices, the Marshal and the Social Director, both
of which were part of the fraternity’s Executive Board. The offices that I held within
the fraternity allowed me to develop as a leader and taught me how important it is
to recognize both my strengths and my weaknesses when working within a large
group. After so much ardent participation in my fraternity, I recognized that I was not
performing up to my true academic potential. My junior year, I returned to Boulder
with a new, energetic focus toward my studies. However, this change in perspective
was minor in comparison to the impact of what happened next. During the first
month of my junior year, Lynn "Gordie" Bailey, a freshman within my fraternity, died
of acute alcohol poisoning after a night of heavy drinking. This tragic event would
change me forever.
Waking up to firefighters banging on my door, I was in shock and disbelief to find
out that a friend of mine could suddenly be dead. The days that followed were filled
with events and feelings that I will never forget as long as I live. Within hours of
waking up, my friends and I had to withstand questioning from the local authorities,
witness our home become a police scene, and deal with the media constantly
bombarding us with questions about Gordie. This was without a doubt the worst day
of my life. Although the situation was still surreal to me, I knew that I would never
forgive myself if I did not deal with the loss of my friend with strength, compassion,
and accountability. A friend and I organized a candlelight vigil for that Sunday night
in front of the fraternity lodge. It was heartbreaking to say goodbye to a friend who
had died so young, but having my closest friends by my side gave me the strength
and support that was crucial on such a distressing night. On Tuesday, I traveled to
Dallas, Texas to attend a memorial service organized by Gordie's family. This was
the most difficult thing that I have ever done. Meeting the family and friends of my
deceased friend was extremely emotional, but in the end I knew that I had done the
right thing. After many tears were shed and hugs exchanged, things settled down
on campus, but I still felt that there was more to be done. In response, three friends
and I began an alcohol education campaign that we named G.O.R.D. (Guidelines
and Objectives of Responsible Drinking). The effort was a memorial to remember
our friend, but we also wanted to help prevent future tragedies through peer-to-peer
education. Shortly thereafter, we had the support of the entire CU Greek
community, as well as the blessing of the fraternity’s national office and Gordie’s
family. That year, we hosted an educational event that was attended by
approximately 1,200 university students and community members. G.O.R.D. has
without a doubt made a positive impact on the culture of the University of Colorado.
A year after Gordie’s death, when several sorority women became physically sick at
a social event, the leaders of these organizations responded with maturity. Keeping
Gordie in mind, the heavily intoxicated girls were transported to Boulder Community
Hospital, where they were treated for alcohol poisoning. When the president of one
sorority was interviewed about the events of this night, she recalled “Gordie Day,”
which was sponsored by G.O.R.D. the week before to commemorate the one-year
anniversary of Gordie’s untimely death. “Gordie Day” had obviously made an
important and lasting impression on the minds of CU’s student body and sorority
leaders responded properly when they were faced with their own crisis. The
development of Guidelines and Objectives of Responsible Drinking was truly the
best thing that came out of such a terrible tragedy.
This personal story highlights an extremely emotional and formative period in my
life. The reason that I chose to write about this event is that it served as a wake-up
call for me and explains the drastic change in my academic performance over my
years as an undergraduate. Although Gordie's death is not the only event that
changed me for the better during my time at the University of Colorado, it is
definitely the most significant. My fraternity, which had provided me with invaluable
leadership opportunities and a great social network, also showed me how close my
college friendships were during such a dark time in my life. Gordie's death solidified
my feeling that I needed to better myself intellectually and personally. As a result, I
have an increased capacity to be an involved and committed student, a strong and
sensitive leader, and an individual with a strong desire to have a positive impact on
society. In the semesters that followed my friend’s death, I excelled both in the
classroom and in the community. I held several leadership positions within
G.O.R.D., as well as traveled to my fraternity’s national convention to discuss the
lessons that I had learned through the death of my friend. Also, I worked with
another student alcohol education group on campus, Student Emergency Medical
Services, as well as with the CU administration and the Greek community to help
build a stronger and more accountable community at the university. I know that my
motivation to achieve distinction inside and outside the classroom will continue as a
law student and, along with my life experiences, will prepare me to be a successful
lawyer.
Commentary 18: Gordie Day
Topic: Overcoming Adversity/Personal Tragedy
Structure: Personal Narrative
Thesis: Gordie’s death brought out my exceptional leadership ability
Elements of Style: A moving story
Committee Appeal: Tangible Impact on Individuals or Groups, Good Leadership
Skills, Works Well with People
Success Rating: 8/AWhat’s Strong:
This is not a typical personal statement that uses fraternity duties to show
leadership qualities. This statement uses a fraternity experience to craft a narrative
of community tragedy, leadership, and recovery with positive change, all of which
demonstrate the applicant has many of the qualities of a successful lawyer. The
topic is the death of Gordie, a fraternity brother, from alcohol poisoning. The
applicant demonstrates his leadership skills by detailing the steps he took to ensure
his college campus was educated about responsible drinking and intoxication. He
uses an emotional story to appeal to the universal human values of friendship and
honesty. He also shows he is a community leader invested in community dialogue
and a self-starter with the ability to plan and implement large undertakings that
impact many people. He is organized, self-confident, and has good oral
communication skills. The applicant shows his written communication skills with a
vivid, energetic description of the morning after Gordie’s death. In the last
paragraph, the writer steps back from the narrative, explaining, in retrospect, why
he chose to write about this personal experience and how it positively affected his
academic performance. This is an excellent essay for showing off community
leadership skills.
What’s Wrong:
There is so much focus on community leadership in this essay that academic
achievement comes across as secondary. Top law schools do value academic
achievement, especially from young applicants. The author writes in the last
paragraph that he excelled in the classroom after Gordie’s death, but a specific
detail would make the claim less vague. For example, he could add a sentence in
the last paragraph about how he chose to write a senior thesis for his major or how
he became interested in a certain topic that led to a longer project. This would
please the person on the admissions committee who wants to hear about academic
and analytical achievements and their connection to an applicant’s community
activism. Overall, the pacing is right; however, the third paragraph is too long.
Starting a new paragraph after “… in the end I knew that I had done the right thing,”
would mark a psychological shift in the applicant. It would show the applicant
standing back and deciding to initiate a positive change in his community after
Gordie’s death. This would contain the emotion of Gordie’s death in the third
paragraph, and the reader could then find the positive repercussions of the tragedy
in the last two paragraphs.
Although this essay is about an emotional topic, the writer needs to tone down his
language. Superlative words and phrases like “as long as I live,” “without a doubt,”
“never forgive myself,” “the most difficult thing that I have ever done,” “extremely,”
and “truly”—all from the third paragraph—actually undermine the sincerely affecting
nature of the narrative. 19. Surviving Rape
I have never been much of a pragmatist. But like all arts students, as graduation
loomed, I began to dread the inevitable question: “Now what?” “Now,” I’d say,
feigning the insouciance of youth, “I can practice saying ‘Would you like fries with
that?’” Not surprisingly, then, when I announced my decision to go to law school,
everyone around me was stunned. For the first time, I knew what I wanted to do
with my life. I’ve always been brimming with ambition, but just what I was ambitious
about was another question altogether. But all of a sudden, it had hit me: law school
was the perfect way for me to undertake work in the humanitarian field.
It all started on a July afternoon in 2001 amid the humid chaos of Bombay. I was all
of seventeen years old, taking a taxi through downtown to see a friend. To make a
long story short, I was sexually assaulted that afternoon by a stranger old enough
to be my grandfather. I was shocked, frightened but most of all, in denial. In about a
month, I was scheduled to leave for Richmond, London where I would start my first
year of university, and so I convinced myself that I could put this traumatic
experience on the back burner. Naturally this didn’t work, and my repressed grief
began to manifest itself in several ways. To make things worse, the atmosphere at
Richmond only festered my misery. The excessive lifestyle of most students was
not only uncharacteristic of me as a person, but also came as a huge cultural
shock. Moreover, with the exception of a few sociology classes, I was unchallenged
and hence, unmotivated. My general unhappiness is well reflected in my poor
performance in my first semester of university.
Still, even as my GPA gained some semblance of respectability, I found myself
falling into an abyss of depression and unhealthy behaviour. A friend encouraged
me to apply as a transfer student to her university, and so on a whim, I did as she
said. When I got the news that McGill University in Montreal had accepted my
application, I was both elated and frightened. What if I’d gotten too used to
academic complacency to cope in a notoriously rigorous school? Taking the
chance, I moved to a country even further away from home. To date, it is the best
decision I have made in my life. The intellectual environment was tailor-made for
me. It was invigorating, challenging, demanding and didn’t allow for stagnancy. I
thoroughly enjoyed my classes, worshipped my professors and met several likeminded people who went on to become close friends. But perhaps the most
important part of my McGill career came in the form of its Sexual Assault Centre.
Still grappling with my personal life, I made a decision to volunteer at the studentrun Sexual Assault Centre of McGill Student’s Society (SACOMSS) and continued
to do so for two years. For the first time, I allowed myself to grieve, and it was only
then that I started coming to terms with my ordeal, a requisite for my peace of mind.
After graduation, I worked as a Programme Officer for India Centre for Human
Rights and Law (ICHRL) in Bombay with their Campaign Against Sexual
Harassment unit, where I carried out sensitization and awareness trainings on
issues of gender and sexuality-based violence both with Complaints Committee
members as well as with the youth.
When I first started thinking about this personal statement, I was loath to write
about the sexual violation I had experienced. I was afraid of sounding like I was
trying to garner sympathy, but the truth is that that experience has shaped who I am
in several ways since it led me to work in the field of women’s rights. Working as a
social worker and activist in ICHRL, I realized that without an understanding of the
law, I was largely impotent in making a difference. The best way for me to continue
working in the field of justice and humanitarianism was to procure a degree in law. I
decided that I would combine my interests in international relations, sociology and
human rights by pursuing an education in International Law with a focus on human
rights.
There are several factors that attract me to McGill Law: I loved every minute of my
undergraduate career at McGill and am truly in love with the city of Montreal.
Moreover, McGill’s outstanding reputation, and its International Law Society are two
more reasons for me to be drawn to this wonderful school. Since I can read and
write French, it seems apt for me to apply to and hopefully re-attend my former
alma mater. I am well aware that my LSAT score is not up to par with other
applicants, but I am truly one of those people who do not fare optimally on
standardized tests. For instance, I scored only a 1200 on my SATs but eventually
graduated in the top 15% of my class. Similarly, my TOEFL score of 637, while
respectable, does not adequately convey my proficiency in the English language. I
am thus confident that my mediocre score does not reflect on my intelligence,
ambition, capability and diligence.
Commentary 19: Surviving Rape
Topic: Overcoming Adversity/Personal Tragedy (Rape)
Structure: Personal Narrative
Thesis: A personal tragedy reoriented my goals.
Elements of Style: Overcoming and moving on
Committee Appeal: Good Law School Fit
Success Rating: 7/B+
What’s Strong:
This is a risky subject to write about, but the applicant has done it well, mentioning
honestly that she didn’t want to write about the topic, but it was so much a part of
her life that it influenced her decision to volunteer with certain organizations and to
want to focus on certain fields in law school. Sexual assault is a startling topic to
find in a law school application, but the applicant handles it well. It is only an
appropriate topic because her experience had so much direct impact on her
decision to go into law. There are strictly limited specific details about the incident,
as in this case there should be. The incident itself is full of pathos, so the applicant’s
rhetoric should not be emotional.
This applicant has had a terrible crime committed against her, and yet she shows
that she still loves and has a great capacity for compassion for others, including
those she has helped in her volunteer work and in her career after college. She
discusses her specific interests in the legal field and the steps she has taken to
prepare herself for a career in law. She explains that she has gone as far as she
can on a certain path, and the next step forward could only come from the
attainment of a legal degree, which she is ready to pursue. She also gives specific
reasons for why she wants to attend McGill Law.
What’s Wrong:
Most admissions committee members will be uncomfortable with the topic of rape,
but they will recognize the applicant was a victim, and they will certainly not judge
her law school qualifications based on her confession. In light of this, the applicant
needs to do more work presenting her academic qualifications for law school. First,
she needs to tighten and focus her writing. She must show that she is stable and
possesses a sharpness of intelligence. She should cut out all the details of her
personal suffering. This is a harsh reality, but the committee wants only to be
impressed by the applicant’s abilities and characteristics that triumph over tragedy.
They want to see a career woman in the making. The essay should not be
apologetic.
The introductory paragraph is a false start. It does not add enough humor to
balance how much it takes away by initially presenting the applicant as unfocused
with a lack of ambition. The first paragraph should be cut, and in its place might be
a narrative of the applicant taking care of someone else during the time in which
she volunteered with SACOMSS. She could also begin by taking the reader
through the steps a rape crisis counselor takes a victim through, which would
demonstrate her practical knowledge. Most importantly, she should start strong and
self-confidently, because law schools want to believe they get the best, most stable
candidates possible, and that they have wrested the best candidates away from the
other best schools. There is usually an exchange, in which the admissions
committee members are trying to see 360 degrees around the candidate to check
for weaknesses, but the applicant is also turning to hide potential weaknesses from
the committee. Personal statements are not a place for extreme honesty, but they
cannot be too insincere either. For example, this applicant should not apologize for
her mediocre standardized test scores in the last paragraph. That will key others in
that she has bad scores on these tests, and it will end the essay on a negative
note. Depending on the actual circumstances, of course, perhaps she could say
simply, “Since English is my third language, my standardized test scores neither
reflect my proficiency in English nor do they reflect my intelligence, ambition,
capability, and diligence.” She should also end more positively. Finally, she needs a
paragraph on her interests in college in the main body of the essay, such as what
she learned in sociology classes or any research she participated in or
achievements. This would give the committee a richer perspective on her
intellectual and analytical abilities, in addition to examples of her academic
excellence that cannot be represented by standardized test scores.
This personal statement edited might look something more like this:
[When a woman comes to us after suffering the crime of rape, we hold her hand,
surround her in a protective space, and comfort her as she goes through the
trauma, the sadness, denial, shock, anger, fright, grief, depression. And we are her
support network for as long as it takes her to regain some peace of mind. This is
what it is like to be a rape crisis counselor.] In college, I volunteered for two years at
the student-run Sexual Assault Centre of McGill Student’s Society (SACOMSS). [I
was not only part of a support system for other women, but they were the support
system that helped me regain my peace of mind.]
I grew up amid the humid chaos of Bombay. When I was seventeen years old,
taking a taxi through downtown Bombay to visit a friend, I was sexually assaulted
by a stranger old enough to be my grandfather. Several weeks later, I left for
college in London.
I was unhappy my first year at Richmond University. My native Bombay was no
longer a safe place for me, but neither was London, where the excessive lifestyle of
the students did not nourish my indomitable love of learning. A friend encouraged
me to apply as a transfer student to McGill University in Montreal. I was accepted; I
took the chance and moved to another country, with another language, even farther
from home. The intellectual environment was tailor-made for me. It was
invigorating, challenging, demanding and didn’t allow for stagnancy. I thoroughly
enjoyed my classes, worshipped my professors and met several like-minded people
who went on to become close friends.
[paragraph on interests in college, such as what she learned in sociology classes
and any research she participated in or achievements]
After graduation, I returned to Bombay to work as a Programme Officer for India
Centre for Human Rights and Law (ICHRL) with their Campaign Against Sexual
Harassment unit, where I carried out sensitization and awareness training on issues
of gender and sexuality-based violence, both with Complaints Committee members
as well as with the youth. [With this organization, I was able to raise awareness in
over x number of people.] As a social worker and activist in ICHRL, I realized that
without an understanding of the law, I was largely impotent in making a difference.
The best way for me to continue working in the field of justice and humanitarianism
was to procure a degree in law. I decided that I would combine my interests in
international relations, sociology and human rights by pursuing an education in
International Law with a focus on human rights.
There are several factors that attract me to McGill Law. McGill’s outstanding
reputation, its International Law Society, and my fluency in reading and writing
French make it an excellent choice for my goals and qualifications. Since English is
my third language, my standardized test scores neither reflect my proficiency in
English nor do they reflect my intelligence, ambition, capability, and diligence. I am
dedicated to working in the field of women’s rights, particularly in the area of sexbased violence crimes. Now that I have completely reclaimed my peace of mind, I
am committed to helping other women who have needlessly suffered, and I am
eager to make greater progress by taking my education to the next level.
The applicant rewrote her essay based on this feedback, and was admitted to her
top choice, McGill University, one of the top two Canadian law schools.
20. Parental Disability
My father is an extraordinary man in more ways than meet the eye, but what does
meet the eye is his confinement to a breath-controlled wheelchair. For my dad, the
shockwave of middle age was both premature and uniquely unforgiving. At the age
of forty he was diagnosed with chronic progressive multiple sclerosis, a condition
that would eventually take almost complete control of his muscles. At first, his
symptoms were imperceptible to my optimistic young eyes, whether it was shortage
of breath or involuntary muscle spasms. His physical degeneration occurred
virtually in sync with my own mental and physical growth. By the time I was an
active, athletic teenager, my father’s muscular control had completely abandoned
him below the neckline. There was a time when I thought of him as a victim, an
innocent man whose physical autonomy had been unjustly impounded. But my
father’s disability has been far from a stopping point for himself, for me, or for
anyone associated with him. My family’s collective perseverance and audacity is a
constant source of inspiration for each of us individually and all those around us.
But a frightening truth looms behind this familial pride: in reality, if it were not for the
resilience of the Canadian medical system, my family would be without the means
to manageably survive. This fact has come glaringly to the foreground throughout
my experiences in the US and abroad. On one family trip, my father’s wheelchair
started to malfunction erratically. I pushed the uncooperative mechanical beast to a
local disability specialist. Here I came face to face with inadequate medical
coverage. The store was teeming with desperately unwell patrons, clearly a last
resort for the neglected. As the store’s mechanic methodically salvaged our family
vacation with a soldering iron and some pliers, he related to me his own struggles
with disability. The frequent medical treatment he needed along with a series of
gainless battles against his insurance provider had bankrupted his entire family just
in time for his wife to be diagnosed with cancer. The experience left me with a
lingering disquiet; that family could so easily have been my own.
Every day, as I lace up my running shoes and head for the trails, the adrenaline
reminds me just how fragile a liberty physical mobility can be. And every day,
without fail, my father spends a hefty chunk of his precious energy on his voiceactivated computer, carefully selecting and forwarding stories he knows will interest
me. It is these headlines of social injustice that jump out in my head as I run.
Yesterday it was “lack of health insurance kills six times as many Americans each
year as 9/11 did”; the day before was “insurance companies working harder than
ever to deny coverage to those who most need it.” Although there are issues where
my dad and I actively disagree, there is no doubt that I am my father’s son. He has
instilled in me a social conscience that has become the driving force of my life.
It would be much safer for me to pursue a legal profession north of the 49th parallel,
in the comforting world of Canada’s socialized medicine. But I doubt I could
maintain my peace of mind, knowing that families facing medical crises are being
crippled in the US. In a country where medical costs are the number one cause of
personal bankruptcies, there is an unquestionable need for legal aid. The ongoing
dependence on service and support in my family has boiled over into my life-goals.
At this point I feel passionate about and devoted to the idea of a profession in
medical law, but the road is yet unpaved. One thing I do know is that my life will be
a journey of success and compromise, service and sacrifice, and all the other
ingredients that uphold strength in community.
Commentary 20: Parental Disability
Topic: Overcoming Adversity (father’s disability)
Structure: Personal Narrative
Thesis: I am sensitive and motivated.
Elements of Style: Compassion for father’s situation
Committee Appeal: Intellectual/Academic Excellence
Success Rating: 6/B
What’s Strong:
This essay is structured as a personal narrative of family tragedy, and the topic is
insurance coverage from the perspective of a father with chronic progressive
multiple sclerosis. The applicant shows how growing up with a wheelchair-bound
father has given him a unique perspective on healthcare in the United States.
Specifically, the applicant has seen first-hand how American insurance companies
can suspend coverage for families crippled by illness who cannot afford to fight
back. As a Canadian who has benefited from socialized medicine, he intends to
learn more about the American healthcare system in an American law school, and
to specialize in medical law in order to become a legal representative for families
who have been mistreated by insurance companies. This essay makes its
admissions argument by emotional appeals (pathos), which is provided by the
father’s stoicism as he endures his devastating illness. This candidate
demonstrates compassion and social consciousness, and he supports traditional
family values. He is active and athletic. He uses rhetoric to argue that he, a
Canadian, is doing American law schools a favor by choosing to study law in the
United States, where he argues his unique interests and goals are most needed.
What’s Wrong:
This essay is primarily about the father, not the candidate. Personal statements
should demonstrate one’s abilities, skills, and personality. This statement gives the
reader a glimpse into the applicant’s personality through a tribute to the father’s
courage, but it does not offer insight into the applicant’s abilities or skills. The
applicant needs to use the narrative to work in his accomplishments. For example,
did any of the articles his father forwarded to him incite him to action or
organization? What kinds of jobs or college classes did the applicant’s interest in
medical law encourage him to seek out? The admissions committee is looking for
the writer to demonstrate his longstanding and active engagement with the issue to
which he professes a fervent commitment, because the committee would like to see
that the applicant is both personable and a good leader who has influenced others.
The applicant needs to be clearer about his intention to help families mistreated by
insurance companies, if that is what he intends to do.
The author should also think about tone. The first paragraph ends with the
applicant’s family being inspired by its own “perseverance and audacity”—an
emotional solipsism that does nothing to help the writer appeal to his reader.
Furthermore, the applicant’s overall strategy—depicting himself as the Canadian
savior of America, sacrificing himself by leaving “the comforting world of Canada’s
socialized medicine” for the “crippl[ing]” U.S.—does not seem calculated to appeal
to an American admissions committee. The writer has crossed the line between
what admissions committees do want—self-confidence and passion—and what
they do not want—pompousness and prejudiced fervor. The writer does well to
address the state of U.S. health care—a timely issue about which many people are
passionate—but needs to adopt a more reasoned tone in his approach to this
subject.
Finally, the essay needs a clear and forceful ending. The penultimate sentence
beginning “At this point” makes the reader think the candidate could and probably
will switch his interest away from medical law. It would be better to express firm
commitment to medical law in this essay. Also, journey metaphors are overused,
and the applicant would do better to end on a more concrete note.
Chapter 12: Diversity Candidates (Topic)
Published November 2009
“Diversity” has so many meanings to law school admissions committees, that the
once-buzzword has become stale. Still, admissions committee members value the
plenitude suggested by the word. The committee members want to gather a class
full of all kinds of different students, with different backgrounds, stories, and wisdom
to share, with the expectation that shared knowledge brings humility and tolerance.
Anyone who thinks their background qualifies as diverse, should feel free to write
about it in their personal statement. As with all statements, the writer should show
how the topic contributed to developing his or her intellectual excellence, tangible
impact on others, leadership skills, real-world experience, and impartial
perspectives. Most commonly, diversity statements deal with issues of socioeconomic class, disability, and race. These statements can also focus on (among
others) differences of ethnicity, nationality, religious practice, or sexual-orientation
that make candidates unique in their social spheres or that caused them hardships
they went on to overcome.
Diversity candidates may also choose to include a diversity statement as an
addendum to their application; in this case, an applicant essentially writes two
personal statements. This is significantly more work, but it allows the admissions
committee to get to know an applicant well. The more reasons you offer the
admissions committee to accept you, the better chance you have of gaining
admission. Please see Appendix D: Ending on a Good Note, Letter of Diversity, for
more information.
21. Resisting the Label “Muslim”
I’m a twenty-one-year-old Pakistani Muslim woman majoring in political science,
and I have done one thing that Hilary Clinton has failed to do. I became President.
Two years ago, I managed to do something that decades of girls have tried to do
before me: I became the first female President of the Muslim Student Association at
my university. Unlike Hilary, I did not wish to stand out from the crowd; rather, I
wanted to identify myself with my various peers in ways more than just my religious
affiliation.
My freshman year in high school, the tragic events of 9/11 left me in a situation
where I was vulnerable to prejudice and unsolicited labeling as a “Muslim,” and
that’s it. I walked through the halls with nothing more to my identity than the veil on
my head distinguishing my religious affiliation. As I expected, I was verbally
attacked, threatened and harassed. I’ve had claims made against me that I was
passing anthrax in the halls by “accidentally” bumping into others and blatant
threats made to my face such as “I’m gonna knock that cloth off your head.” For any
thirteen-year-old girl, this had the potential of having an extremely powerful
negative mental and social impact. For me, I embraced the challenge of having to
prove to people there is much more to this girl behind the veil.
I took this opportunity to indulge myself in different activities in the interest of
proving to people that I was Muslim, but I was more as well. I joined the creative
writing club and became known as the Muslim poet. I ventured into different
community service activities, organizing trips to soup kitchens, passing out ribbons
on the anniversary of 9/11, hence making me known as the Muslim _________. My
junior year of high school, I moved to New Jersey, my eighth move in fifteen years.
To other fifteen-year-old girls, this would seem like a frustrating obstacle and having
to start all over again. To me, this was a wonderful opportunity to broaden my
horizons and enlighten a new group of people that there was something more to me
than just being “Muslim.” I immediately engaged myself in various organizations,
excited about showing my peers what I was capable of. I became extremely active
in Model Congress, Model United Nations, Mock Trial, and got a new title for
myself. I was the Muslim “Legal Buff,” partaking in several conferences around the
United States, proving to people that yes, I was Muslim, but there is so much more
to me than just that. I worked hard my junior year and found a spot on my high
school's IPLE team. Our IPLE (Institute for Political and Legal Education) Team was
an opportunity I was given to prove not only to my peers, but on a national level that
I was more than just a Muslim. We competed against several schools on a state
level on the fundamentals of the Constitution in the “We the People” competition
and earned a spot to represent New Jersey on a national level. There, performing in
front of distinguished politicians and legal scholars, my team won nationals. I felt as
if I accomplished my goal: I showed the world (well the United States, at least) that I
was so much more than just a Muslim. I had a potential to influence people on a
national level, and it was at this point I realized I wanted to partake in the legal
world. There are plenty of Muslim doctors and engineers, but there is a serious lack
of Muslim lawyers. I wanted to be able to influence the world, and show the world I
was so much more than the label that was etched onto me when I was thirteen
years old.
This journey led me to college. As a student at XXX University, one of the most
diverse schools in the United States, I thought my challenge was nonexistent, that
in the population of 3000 Muslims on campus, someone must have proven to the
populace that there is so much more to Muslims than just their religion. While
earning my B.A. in political science and remaining active in the pre-law society on
campus as well as several other organizations on campus including BAKAStudents for Middle Eastern Justice, OXFAM, The Pakistani Student Association; I
reached out to the Muslim Student Association on campus in hopes that I would be
able to engage with other individuals who longed to strip themselves of the label
that we were engraved with a few years ago. It was then I faced two new obstacles:
being a woman, and being a Shiite, which leaves me a minority in the Muslim
populace not only at my university, but in the world. I have always been a leader,
taking on several leadership roles of several organizations both in high school as
well as in college. Now I was faced with a new challenge: I was not allowed to be
President of the organization based solely on the fact that I was a girl. This
bothered me greatly, not because I seek leadership and I refused to be anything
less; but because I was being prevented to engage in a role for something under
which I had no control. I then sought to face this challenge. I, along with several
others, challenged this at the administrative level. I was also a Shiite, a minority, but
I reached out to my fellow Muslims shying away from the label of Shiite, and
bringing them closer with the common identities I shared with people. I identified
myself as Pakistani with some of my fellow Muslims, to some I was a fellow pre-law
student, to some I was a fellow woman. I fought this with great forcefulness, and it
ended in the establishment of two separate Muslim organizations on campus. One
was revolving around the "wahabi," or extremist sect on campus that did not allow
women to be presidents, and attempted to amend the constitution to prevent
anyone from being an executive board member unless they shared the same
religious values as they. The other was the more liberal and accepting organization
with the name “SALAM,” meaning “peace.” As soon as SALAM surfaced, I became
extremely active to the point where I began as a PR officer, and was voted on as
Vice President a semester later. Then, my junior year, I was voted on as the first
female President of a Muslim Student Association at my university. Not only was I
the first female President, but I was good at it. I used all my identities, my creative
side, my innovative side, my political side, and incorporated it into running this
organization to the best of my potential to the point where the organization was
acclaimed by many deans to be one of the most successful new organizations on
campus with over 300 active members. I did not stop there. Of course, Hilary did
not have the option of forming her own government on the side and staking her
claim as President, but through my hard work and successful leadership, I
managed to sway in many of the members of the other Muslim organization, hence
calling into discussions of coming together as one Muslim organization once again.
This too, I managed to do successfully while not budging on the principles that
SALAM worked so hard to develop of tolerance and rationalization.
Commentary 21: Resisting the Label “Muslim”
Structure: Personal Narrative
Topic: More-than-Muslim identity
Thesis: I am a leader who encourages tolerance.
Elements of Style: Determined, energetic language
Committee Appeal: Tangible Impact,Leadership, Multiple Perspectives
Success Rating: 7/B+
What’s Strong:
This applicant is committed to being a leader in her community. She’s spunky,
outspoken, and possibly a little bit prickly because she stands up for herself and her
beliefs. She is self-confident, directed, and hard-working. The committee will like
her for being a strong woman. She’s a leader who has made concrete, measurable
changes on her university campus. The admissions committee will agree that she
would contribute ethnic diversity to her law school class. This strong Muslim woman
will make her peers see the world from a different perspective, and therefore she
helps balance out a class that must learn impartial judgment. This is a solid
statement. It is not risky; it gives an honest picture of this serious candidate who
enjoys collaboration and policy negotiation. It’s great that she includes the tangible
impact her organization made on the deans; she should consider asking one of
those deans to write her a letter of recommendation to verify the claim.
What’s Wrong:
This applicant’s personal statement lacks sufficient evidence of her intellectual
excellence. If her transcript and GPA provide this evidence, she should have a very
strong, highly competitive application. If her grades are not high, then she should
consider adding a few sentences about an academic project she completed while in
college. From the committee’s standpoint, this candidate runs the risk of giving too
much energy to extra-curricular activities and becoming distracted from her law
school classes. Therefore, she should reassure the committee of her commitment
to academic excellence.
For all its thrust towards multiple perspectives, this statement is ironically a little
narrow-minded. The applicant keeps telling the reader that there’s more to her than
her Muslim identity, but she returns to that theme over and over. There is a difficult
balance between thematically unifying a statement and pigeonholing oneself. The
admissions committee will almost certainly label this person the Muslim Woman,
but that comes from how the candidate presents herself in the statement. Picking a
slightly broader theme would also allow this candidate to reassure the admissions
committee that she is not only interested in changing others’ perspectives, but that
she can also see things from the points of view of her classmates. The committee
wants to accept applicants that “fit in, stand out.” The author could expand on her
statement that, “to some I was a fellow pre-law student, to some I was a fellow
woman.” This writer often compares herself to others forcibly, and the committee
might wonder whether she’s argumentative and demanding. Some committee
members will like the fight in her. But for the other members, it would probably be
best to tweak her tone a little bit so that she comes across as more collegial and
friendly, especially when working with a team or delegating responsibilities.
Her long third paragraph about her high school achievements should be cut down
by at least half, probably more, since the committee wants to read about what a
candidate has accomplished in college. She could use some of the extra space to
discuss her academic achievements in college. The committee will probably
question her Pollyanna claim in the third paragraph that she was excited to be
perpetually moving as a teenager. A more honest claim would briefly and
straightforwardly acknowledge that it was hard to keep moving, but that she made
the best of it. The committee knows all their candidates are only human, and they
don’t want to be blocked from giving an applicant deserved sympathy because the
candidate puts a happy face on everything.
The applicant should probably compliment Hillary Clinton in a phrase or sentence at
the end of the essay; otherwise, she portrays Clinton negatively, which is almost
certainly not the author’s intention. Finally, the fourth paragraph is much too long.
Overall, this is still a strong statement.
22. Muumuus and Moving On
As a little girl, I spent my summers at the muumuu (Hawaiian dress) factory. The
rusted metal fan mesmerized me as it blew hot air around the factory, stirring up the
scraps of bright fabric and bits of thread that littered each sewing machine station.
The constant whirring of a dozen machines spitting out ruffles and dresses often
lulled me to sleep, and I dozed off instead of keeping to my task of sewing tiny
fabric triangles to form a quilt. My mother rarely looked up at me from her machine,
though every once in a while she would undo a portion of my stitches and
admonish me to be neater. The 10-hour days would drag by in a blur of vibrant
floral prints and dust that gathered on everything in the factory, including me. By the
end of every summer, I produced a queen-size quilt.
After fleeing Vietnam and two abusive marriages, my mother found work at a
garment factory making upscale muumuus that retailed for over $100, earning her
$3.35 an hour to support three daughters. Growing up poor was not so bad, and
being young, I did not realize we were poor. I simply thought the food was bad and
the hours at the factory were long. As I grew older though, the hardship of our
social position set in, and I came to know the palpable fear of poverty. This
vulnerability ingrained in me the importance of social equality. Later, this translated
into my purpose: to study law and serve as a voice for the most vulnerable
members of society.
I worked my way through school and will earn a bachelor’s degree in political
science. It has been a long, but rewarding process. College opened my eyes to a
world beyond my personal experience. It exposed me to the politics of economics, it
forced me to wrestle with the lack of equality and efficiency in social policies, and it
helped to shape my vision and philosophy. I encountered views that I sometimes
found troubling. Once a macroeconomics professor lectured that since capital is
free to roam, so are jobs. She said no one should think they have a guaranteed job
or living conditions. While I agree in no free rides, I strongly believe that people
should be afforded with some protection from exploitation, both locally and globally.
Every economic theory is based on a set of assumptions. Outside of the classroom,
there are many more variables, and these variables are very real to me. At one
point, my mother earned $3 per dress, allowing her and the other women to earn a
more livable wage of $9 per hour. That, however, came to an end when the factory
enacted a new policy under the guise of equity. Since some women may not be
able to sew more than one dress an hour, the owner claimed it fairer to pay the
hourly minimum wage. Even at a young age, I realized that was a lie. In reality,
sewing as little as one dress an hour was never an option for these women. Yet the
workers had no voice or recourse, and so the owner could exploit them.
Unfortunately, this story is not unique.
While exploring social and economic factors in my college coursework, working at
Blue Cross Blue Shield of Hawaii gave me an education in how these theories
actually function in a corporate organization. I discovered how hard it is to reconcile
social consciousness with corporate bottom lines, but I did not waver in my
personal commitment to those who need the most protection. Working closely with
the medical management department, legal services, and claims department, I
created plans that met the corporate requirements and also integrated state and
federal guidelines that expanded the benefits that health insurance companies are
mandated to cover, such as diabetic drugs and childhood immunizations. As a
contract benefit analyst, whether I was supporting additions of health benefits to
medical plans or raising objections to cuts in benefits, I always kept in mind that we
were affecting people not just changing policies.
Of course, idealism does not always work in the corporate world. But often through
research and analysis, I was able to present more equitable alternatives such as
streamlining benefits instead of cutting them outright. However, there were
occasions when maneuvering to quash unconscionable proposals was necessary.
For instance, a plan proposal called for changing the drug benefits from a three-tier
system to a confusing six-tier system. This would have drastically cut the drug
reimbursement rate for senior plans, disproportionately impacting our elderly
members. In actuality, it was a ploy to define benefits that would never qualify for
reimbursement. Fortunately, after I involved the legal department, the proposal was
stopped. Though I never planned to pursue a career in health insurance, working in
that field brought me closer to my goal of pursuing law, without compromising my
values.
Until a year ago, I could proudly say that each of my decisions was a steppingstone toward my goal. Unfortunately, last year I stumbled and fell. I got married,
gave up my career, and put my education on hold to help my husband run his
business. Given these sacrifices, it was quite an awakening when I realized that
just like my mother before me, I too had entered into an abusive marriage. Ironically
now, every morning I wake up in my mom’s sewing room. As I rummage through my
suitcases, I often find myself staring at her sewing machine. Instead of picking up
scraps to quilt, I am reclaiming pieces of my identity and putting them back
together. When I told the attorney I needed to file for a divorce, he looked me in the
eye and said, “It’s okay. You made a mistake.” Facing this truth has given me the
opportunity to undo some of my stitching and make it stronger. Having been
strengthened by these events, I can truly empathize with those who have been
victimized. I know the shame and engulfing feeling of helplessness that keeps them
quiet. I am reminded of how lawyers can protect and be a voice for those who are
not being heard.
Reflecting on my past, social welfare is not just public and international policymaking, strengthening workplace and labor rights is not just a call for solidarity, civil
rights are not just a way to prevent exploitation, and gender equality is not just an
ideal. For the disenfranchised, this is reality, their way of life. Strengthened by my
experiences, I bring with me a steadfast dedication to justice and the humility
needed to effect social change.
Commentary 22: Muumuus and Moving On
Structure: Personal Narrative, Diversity Candidate
Topic: Growing up economically disadvantaged in Hawaii
Thesis: I protected people while working for an insurance company, and I want to
do this as a lawyer.
Elements of Style: Sensory language, use of metaphor, honesty about mistakes
Committee Appeal: Tangible Impact, Real World Experience, Leadership, Multiple
Perspectives
Success Rating: 6/B
What’s Strong:
This is one of very few personal statements in which an applicant employs a
unifying metaphor successfully. The blanket triangles the young girl in the muumuu
factory sews together become, at the end, transformed into experiences of a life
stitched together, undone, and rebound stronger. Since the applicant’s mother is a
gifted seamstress, this metaphor is lovely and apt. It organically rises from this
particular life experience. The admissions committee will find this degree of stylistic
control good evidence of the applicant’s strong writing and communication skills.
This statement is honest and compelling, and it gratifies the senses in the
wonderful description of the muumuu factory. This statement is a tour de force of
diversity, dealing with social class, national identity, and domestic abuse, and this
will appeal powerfully to the admissions committee members.
The applicant takes responsibility for her actions. This candidate will admit her
mistakes and learn from them, making amends where she can. She’s observant,
makes connections, and is psychologically aware of herself. The committee knows
this, for example, by her description of awakening in her mother’s sewing room
after realizing she repeated the same behavioral pattern as her mother did. As this
candidate begins to know herself, she has more and more tangible impact on
others, including fighting for and ultimately protecting insurance benefits for a large
number of elderly patients.
What’s Wrong:
The reader learns very little about the candidate’s qualifications for law school from
this personal statement. One learns she grew up in Hawaii; she was poor; she took
a long time to finish college; she worked in an insurance company where she
seems to have authority. She had a bad marriage that lasted about a year, and she
wants to go to law school to help the underprivileged. This is extremely vague.
A personal statement is a persuasive essay, but one should focus on arguing for the
qualities that make one a good law school candidate, not necessarily the change
one hopes to effect with a law degree. This applicant clearly feels passionately
about being a voice for the underprivileged, and her essay gives credence to her
claim, but pleading to be given the chance to effect social change is not necessary.
She needs to try to make a case for why she should be let into law school, rather
than what she’s going to do with her degree. To improve her essay, the applicant
should keep the wonderful details of the sweatshop but discuss several of her
qualities, backed up by specific achievements in college, or less ideally, at the work
place. She needs to open out the scope of her abilities to more than just a
somewhat naïve-sounding desire to help underprivileged people. The statement is
average, but the visual detail of the muumuu shop rockets its human-interest
element up.
A light hand and good writing go a long way. The applicant should discard vague
language, such as the “politics of economics,” and discard statements that are too
general or that do not add to her argument, such as the third and fourth
paragraphs. The admissions committee would much rather read what someone
accomplished in college, instead of a few things that person thought, which keeps a
person fairly anonymous. The committee members want to read about experiences
that demonstrate an applicant’s qualities, like this woman has done in her
paragraph on working for the insurance company. That section is powerful because
it shows the applicant to be a determined leader who impacted the lives of many.
Saying how many it impacted would be even more powerful. Numbers offer a
dynamite logical appeal. The story of her mother’s wages in paragraph four doesn’t
do enough work for the amount of space it takes up. The reader doesn’t learn
anything about the applicant or her qualities in this paragraph. The situation is
unfair, but it is not an argument for why this candidate should be accepted to law
school. Perhaps it belongs in the first paragraph since it adds human interest, and it
helps the reader understand why this applicant is committed to social work.
This candidate would benefit from a letter of recommendation from one of the
lawyers or supervisors she worked with on the Blue Cross Blue Shield project team.
She also might discuss a supervisor’s reaction to her, since facts will help ground
this rather idealistic essay in reality. Also, the lovely metaphor of the blanket gets a
little lost in the essay. This is something to return to in the closing sentence.
23. Hurricane Katrina
During an undergraduate scholarship interview I was presented with the most
poignant question I had ever been asked. One of the interviewers looked me keenly
in the eyes and asked me if I thought life had been fair to Brian Carter. After some
thought, I told him that, although life had not been easy for me, it had been fair. Fair
in the sense that despite presenting me with obstacles, it had always equipped me
with the tools, support system, and determination needed to overcome them.
My first grade teacher taught me the same cliché that everyone learns at that age:
“You can accomplish anything you want if you set your mind to it.” She forgot to add
a special caveat for me: “Brian, there will be more obstacles for boys and girls on
the free lunch program.” The cliché only holds for those above a certain
socioeconomic status, but no one let me in on that secret. I learned the truth the
hard way. When all of the other kids have new toys and clothes, it is difficult not to
feel inferior, knowing that all of your possessions are hand-me-downs from
extended family or strangers donating to the local Goodwill. Never have I been
more afraid than in the times when I wondered if one of my classmates would
recognize my new shirt as an old one that he had thrown away. I grew up dreaming
of being successful enough to deliver myself from the lot I had been dealt.
I remember lying in bed, wondering why things had to be different for me. Why did I
have to share a room with my sister? Why was Santa least generous at the Carter
home? I decided that my father was to blame. He chose drugs, and eventually
prison, over his family. His father was in prison during his childhood, so he knew
how badly this hurt. My sister and I visited him when I was 14 years old. Being a
recently christened teenager, I thought I was tough as nails. I conjured up the
harshest words I could imagine, and I intended to unleash them all upon him. My
plan never came to fruition. When I saw him, I became that little boy lying in bed all
over again. I cried during the entire visitation period, and vowed to never again see
the inside of a prison. That was the last time I saw my father. He has been a
constant example of what can happen when a man settles for anything less than
his best.
Last fall, Hurricane Katrina swept through my hometown of New Orleans. In the
storm’s aftermath, it took me six trying days to get in touch with my mother. She and
my sister had piled into a crowded van headed for an evacuation site in Arkansas. I
was able to take a trip home before they were able to re-enter the city. Our home
was dry and unlooted. Hallelujah! My family and my home were intact, so
everything was all right. Not so fast. The place where my mother worked was
unable to reopen. With no income, how would I remain in school? I agonized daily,
fearing that I might have to drop out. She eventually found a job and apartment in
Atlanta, allowing me to continue my education. Through all the uncertainty, I was
able to remain focused enough to do well in school. I attribute my success that
semester to faith in my abilities, my family, and my dreams. For many, Katrina left
nothing behind. For me, she left lessons in faith and humility. In a world where the
harsh realities of life force many to give up their dreams, I refuse to do so. People
tell me that I have lofty goals, but I never entertain such thoughts. All that matters to
me is that they are attainable, even if I have to work three times as hard to realize
them. Many challenges have presented themselves throughout my life, only to be
conquered through hard work, perseverance, and faith. I am fortunate to be blessed
with writing, reasoning, and speaking skills, and I will use them to contribute my
unique perspective to the law school environment. I am well aware of the rigors of
law school. While conventional wisdom might tell me to turn and run the other way, I
am not afraid; I have been fighting an uphill battle my entire life, and I do not intend
to stop now.
Commentary 23: Hurricane Katrina
Topic: Diversity,Overcoming Adversity (growing up economically disadvantaged in
New Orleans)
Structure: Personal Narrative
Thesis: I will continue to overcome odds.
Elements of Style: Use of an emotional appeal when describing the effects of
Hurricane Katrina and the importance of his faith.
Committee Appeal: Diversity
Success Rating: 5/BWhat’s Strong:
This applicant has done well in choosing his structure and topic: a personal
narrative about economic disadvantage. Class diversity is something the
admissions committee looks for, whether the school has an affirmative action
program or not. There is usually a box on the application to fill in for race, but not for
socio-economic status. The way to let the admissions committee know a candidate
has had an economically disadvantaged background is to write about it in the
personal statement or in a letter of diversity appended to the application (see
Appendix D). This statement is structured as a personal history, with the main topic
being the candidate’s struggle to attain equal access to education given the
hardships of his life. Statements such as this one generally rely on pathos, or
emotional appeals, to make their arguments. It is very good to balance the pathos
with logical appeals, or examples of tangible achievements and the qualities they
demonstrate.
What’s Wrong:
The opening question, “Has life been fair to Brian Carter?” has probably stuck with
the candidate because it was deceptively simple. There is much more depth in that
question still to be plumbed. The candidate needs to think through that question
more carefully before opening his essay with it. Most law school professors will
view this as a question about culture rather than feelings. Brian chose to answer
the question straightforwardly, from his own perspective, rather than to see himself
as part of a certain economic or social group. This forces him to take all of the
burdens of his life on his own shoulders and makes the essay about his personal
struggles and triumphs. The question should open up a space for Brian to
acknowledge social forces that are greater than what he is capable of influencing.
With this opening question, admissions committee members will, in fact, expect this
level of sophistication. Reading Brian’s one-dimensional story of fighting against
odds, the committee members will be disappointed that the candidate did not at
least gesture at the history of class-consciousness.
Gesturing at an idea is easy to do and will let the admissions committee know a
candidate has reviewed all possible directions for an argument. Brian could write in
the first paragraph, “After some thought, I told him that, although life had not been
easy for me, it had been fair. Fair in the sense that despite presenting me with
obstacles, it had always equipped me with the tools, support system, and
determination needed to overcome them. [It would be later in college that I realized
that question had been a fair, although indirect, way of asking me about my class
consciousness.]”
The pathos is laid on a little heavy in the second and third paragraphs. It would
probably be best to cut several sentences, including, “Never have I been more
afraid…” and “If we cross paths again, I will thank him.” Finally, and importantly, the
statement needs to give evidence of the applicant’s intellectual and analytical
qualities, with examples from college. Was he awarded the scholarship in which the
essay’s opening question was asked? Has he taken courses or participated in
student organizations that have taught him about social justice and economic
inequality at college? The applicant needs to show the committee through awards
and experiences that he has been fighting a successful battle against adversity and
that he will continue his record of achievement at law school.
24. Autism
On November 21, 1986 my little brother, John, was born. As would be the case with
any loving parents, mine had high hopes and dreams with regard to John. Two
years later, my parents received news that would change but not crush their
dreams for their son. John was diagnosed with what the doctors called “autism,” a
severe developmental disorder from which there is no known cure.
Three years after the initial diagnosis, my parents wanted to have John attend
elementary school just as my older siblings and I had before. The school district,
however, did not want him. My mother, who graduated from law school in 1978,
would not stand for this unequal access to education afforded to her son. Using all
the legal venues available to her, she pressed and pressed, even to the point of
threatening a legal suit, until my brother was allowed the same right to a public
education as were the other children in our school district. This taught me an
invaluable lesson about the power of law and a legal education to improve the
world.
I learned a great deal from this experience, but it also brought two questions to my
mind. First, what good could I, like my mother before me, do were I to spend my life
in the field of law? Second, what about the scores of handicapped children who ran
into similar obstacles from their respective schools and who did not have a parent
to serve as a legal advocate on their behalf? During my undergraduate education, I
considered several professions to pursue, notably journalism, but something
brought me back to law; I believed I could do more good in the field of law than in
any other career. Upon deciding that I wanted to work as an attorney, I determined
that I would never leave my brother or others in similar circumstances defenseless.
Much as journalists give a voice to the voiceless, I decided to give representation to
those who could not represent themselves.
Even before I decided I wanted to become an attorney, my experience with John
made me interested in working with people who have a disability. Starting the
summer after my fourteenth birthday, I began volunteering with Special Olympics
when it would come to my area. Though the majority of those who competed in this
were different from my brother in a number of ways, I still felt a connection with
them I would not have felt without growing up with John. Also, during my first
summer job, I had a co-worker by the name of Osby who had a mild case of mental
retardation. I always enjoyed talking with him as he stood at the entrance of the
movie theater and tore the customer’s tickets. One day his aide who came to work
with him, took me aside and told me I dealt very well with him and that I should
consider a career working with those who are handicapped. Though I do not think
she was suggesting a career in law, I believe I can use my career in law to do work
for the benefit of those who are handicapped.
It was not always easy being the older sibling of a brother with autism. I was often
the only child on the little league team whose parents did not make it out to the
game. I was often unable to have some of the things I wanted due to the great toll
my brother had on both my parent’s finances and time. But these were sacrifices I
had to make. Now, with the greater perspective I have begun to learn early in my
adult life, I have seen how having a brother with autism has opened my eyes to the
world. Where some see only the disability, I see a little bit of my brother, reminding
me this person is entitled to happiness as much as I am. Some see handicaps as
tragedies, and maybe they are, but I try to view them as an opportunity to learn. It
will not be easy as a legal professional to dedicate time to helping the handicapped.
But, while as a boy I was forced to sacrifice for John, now and in the future I will
make the choice to sacrifice for him.
Commentary 24: Autism
Topic: Diversity (autistic brother John)
Structure: Personal Narrative
Thesis: John changed my world view, and I want to help the disabled in law.
Elements of Style: Reader feels pity for John.
Committee Appeal: Diversity
Success Rating: 5/BWhat’s Strong:
This applicant presents himself as a candidate dedicated to helping children and
adults with special needs. For this specific interest, and given his personal history,
he may be considered a diversity candidate, in its broad sense of a unique addition
to the law class. This should work to his benefit and give him a tiny bit more leeway
on his standardized test scores. His structure is a chronological personal history, in
which he confides to the reader that growing up with an autistic brother has been
difficult for him and for his family, but that it also introduced the applicant to a
section of the population who were not getting equal rights under the law. First, the
applicant opens with the story of John’s birth and diagnosis, which he narrates from
a first-person limited point of view. This narrative introduces the main characters in
his narrative, his mother and his brother. The main story in the essay is how the
mother used her law degree to get her autistic son John equal access to public
education. In so doing, she is celebrated as the applicant’s main hero and mentor.
The applicant also relates two examples in which he interacted well with special
needs children, giving evidence that he has a gift for working with sensitive
individuals. This essay depends on emotional appeals for its main argumentative
strategy.
What’s Wrong:
This essay needs to balance the emotional appeals and naïve optimism with a
more shrewd analysis of the reality of the situation and needs to provide more
specific details that showcase the applicant’s intellectual and analytical passions.
Right now the applicant seems to have doomed himself to a “sacrificial” fate, rather
than being excited by the rapid advances in the field of disability law and his great
potential for making even more changes as a lawyer. The essay is too much about
other people, and not enough about the applicant. He should not only discuss how
others influenced him, but he should also show how he has influenced others. The
first paragraph needs a thesis.
This essay is vague on a number of fronts. For one thing, John is too anonymous.
The writer needs to provide a description of John, so John is presented as a person
and a brother with needs and emotions. The applicant could describe what kind of
autism John has. Then he could introduce the reader to the kinds of problems
autistic people face that could be aided by the law, so that the claim of wanting to
help is given a foundation and a direction. For example: How has having a brother
with autism “opened the applicant’s eyes to the world”? Relatedly, the writer seems
unnecessarily cagey about his experiences with Special Olympics, writing that at
age fourteen, “I began volunteering with Special Olympics when it would come to
my area.” How often did Special Olympics come to his area? What did the writer
volunteer to do? Did the writer’s involvement with Special Olympics change over
time, or was this a very minor one-time event? The reader doesn’t want to do the
work of guessing what the applicant means by a statement like this.
The applicant could better show sophisticated argumentation skills by giving a
counter-argument for his mother’s actions on behalf of John. On one hand, the
mother’s action could be seen as a fight for equal rights. But on the other hand, her
motive was selfish too, and she could be seen as exerting her power over those
who have no specialized knowledge of or training in the law, since she intimidated
them with the threat of massive legal fees and much lost time. The applicant would
not be hurt by mentioning in retrospect, he understands that a legal degree carries
with it a great deal of power and responsibility, and that he would wield such power
with integrity.
His mother fought for his brother in 1991. What has happened in the last fifteen
years? All we specifically know about the candidate is that he is good with people,
because we know he “dealt well” with Osby, meaning he has shown compassion for
one person. The applicant commits the very common error of thinking that because
he decided—out of all the fields he could pick—to study law, that the law schools
should be thrilled to take him. Applicants are not doing law schools a favor by
choosing them: law schools choose, and they like to be in this seat of power. The
applicant should give the course of action he has taken to reach his goal and
describe his qualities, especially his intellectual and analytical abilities. He can do
this without disrupting the themes of the essay by mentioning research he has done
into the recent changes in disability studies or how facilities for these individuals are
getting better. The two examples from the fourth paragraph are from early high
school. What progress has the applicant made toward his goal in college?
Furthermore, to overcome the doubt in a reader’s mind that the writer is putting on
a show of altruism, the applicant needs to tell the law schools what concrete things
he has done to better understand, accommodate, and assist disabled children, and
how he hopes to continue this in the future.
Several things should be cut from this essay. The reader did not sacrifice anything
extraordinary for his brother, so the last paragraph is gratuitous pathos, and should
be cut out to make more room for sentences with a higher return value. Underneath
the pathos is hostility to and jealousy of John, which should be eliminated as much
as possible. All of this will give the applicant a stronger ethical appeal and
strengthen his argument for why he should be admitted to law school.
25. First to Attend College
I never really paid much attention to the signs placed in front of the homeless and
the less fortunate as I walked past them on the streets of New York. These were the
thoughts running through my head as I considered what my own sign should read.
Certainly, no one was going to read it. I had just spent the night in the ATM area of
a desolate Citibank branch trying to get some sleep. I had no money, no phone and
no hope of getting back to school in Boston. I think I came down with the worst
case of writer’s block that morning as I tried to come up with a compelling message
that would entice some level of compassion from a complete stranger. Having
entertained the idea of a sign for a brief moment, I put the whole notion to rest, my
pride simply would not allow for it. I used my gift for gab to convey my
circumstances to the bus driver and garnered some sympathy towards my cause. I
had to put my Discman up as collateral in order to get a seat on the next bus
heading back to Boston which seemed like a small price to pay in exchange for a
piece of my dignity as I avoided having to use a sign. The next four hours on that
bus were filled with intense scrutiny and contemplation. I did not need my Discman
after all. The biggest question I kept asking myself was ‘how did I get here?’
I was in my third year of undergraduate studies at Northeastern and I was barely
able to make ends meet financially. Being the first member of my family to attend
college was both a gift and a curse. I always excelled in the realm of academia and
this was a great source of pride and joy for my parents. As a member of the schools
Dean’s List and a number of different clubs and organizations, I gave my family
something to cheer for. At the same time, being the first family member to attend
college really called for financial resources that were beyond my parents’ modest
income. Like a deep-sea diver venturing into an infinite ocean with inadequate
supplies, I dove in headfirst. I knew that my acceptance into Northeastern was not
something I could put aside because of money. My family shared the same
sentiments and agreed that this was something that needed to happen. Completing
my college education and attaining that degree was a must.
However, as each year passed it became increasingly difficult to maintain a
financial foothold on my college education. No longer able to keep my head above
water, I found myself completely submerged and gasping for air. By my third year, I
was skipping meals or simply eating candy bars that I had shaken out of vending
machines for dinner. I knew I could not last long. When I voiced my fears to a
concerned listener on the other end of the phone, I thought a solution might have
been reached. The plan was to go back home to NY and meet up with him. I agreed
to serve as a runner, transporting drugs between a contact in New York and a
contact in Boston. The money seemed justifiable and the risks seemed
manageable. I was completely focused on the ends and not the means at this point.
I used my last twenty dollars on a bus ticket and a dream and found myself
spending the night on the floor of a Citibank branch. This cold and dirty floor, like
the bed of a vast ocean, was the bottom.
Fortunately, no one showed up that night. I spent the whole night reflecting on how
and why I was there to begin with. I could not believe I had even considered
partaking in such activities just to generate some income. I would later find out that
my real dad, whom I never met, suffered the same fate. My mom shared the story
of how my father lived a life as a drug dealer only to be murdered while she was
pregnant with me. It was at this point that the fire was lit inside of me and the
thought of what I needed to do to make my college aspirations a reality became
clearer. I realized I wanted to be a different person with clear and attainable goals
for my academic and professional career. I transferred to a smaller college in New
York where tuition was more affordable and I moved back home with my parents. I
set my ego aside and worked full time as I put myself through school working fortyhour weeks by day and attending classes by night. No longer satisfied with my
easily attainable but mediocre B’s and B+’s, I studied diligently and completed my
undergraduate degree with ‘A’s almost totally across the board. This afforded me a
spot on a national honors society in recognition of my efforts.
There are two types of people in this world, those who take and those who make.
Some people resign themselves to their fate and accept the hand which was dealt
to them. That was me, nonchalant and absolutely content with any grade I received,
apathetic about my lack of progress. As rough and as painful as a night in the cold
and on the streets felt as it was occurring, I knew I only stood to learn from it in the
long run. Now I am the protagonist in my own life instead of just being an idle
spectator. My ambitions for law school have been cultivated by this vision of making
things happen, not only for me but also for the sake of others. My younger sisters
have both followed suit as they too have a roadmap drawn up to help them attain
their college degrees. I have led by example, showing them that anything is truly
possible if you want it badly enough and work hard for it. That whole experience
has taught me a number of valuable lessons. I learned how to remain humble and
to not let pride obscure my perception of what is important in life. I learned about
resilience and about being steadfast in the face of adversity. I also became more
tenacious as a result of that night. Now when I see something I want, I lock onto it
like the jaws of a famished pit bull, not letting go until I devour and conquer what I
set out to achieve. I know all of these qualities will help me excel in the study of law
just as they have helped me arise triumphant in my turbulent undergraduate years
as well as my professional career after college. This work ethic and newfound
vision has transcended beyond my bachelor’s degree and into the world of finance.
For the past year I have been working as an analyst with Morgan Stanley. My ability
to make quick decisions and to think analytically is essential when dealing with a
multitude of multi-million dollar trades. In order to work out various trade
discrepancies I serve as a liaison between brokers, traders and various sales desks
on the front end. This has allowed me to hone my communication skills. Getting my
point across in a concise and comprehensible manner is crucial for the company’s
financial goals. I know that these skills will help me to be a better law student and
I’m excited at the prospect of sharing and learning with my future classmates and
professors. Now when I look back at my undergraduate years and my professional
career the question is no longer “how did I get here?” instead it is “where am I
going?”
Commentary 25: First to Attend College
Topic: EconomicDiversity
Structure: Personal Narrative
Thesis: I have strong analytic and communication skills.
Elements of Style: Emotional Appeal
Committee Appeal: The rebel
Success Rating: 4/C+
What’s Strong:
This statement primarily uses emotional appeals. The strongest paragraph is by far
the last, which uses logical appeals and ethical appeals to good effect. The essay
should be revised to include more information like this and expand these details.
What’s Wrong:
There is sometimes a tendency to use the personal statement as a kind of
confessional. But the law school personal statement is a place to be conversational
about your skills and achievements in such a way that the admissions committee
respects your intellectual and real-world accomplishments and wants you to be part
of their law school legacy. It is not a place to reveal deep psychological burdens you
might take to a counselor. Be savvy in which stories you choose to tell about
yourself, and always aim to make yourself come across as intelligent and selfconfident. It is almost always best to leave drugs and homelessness out of a
personal statement. This statement works by emotional appeals, specifically guilt,
and the admissions committee is not going to admit someone to law school
because they feel bad for him or her; rather, they want evidence that the applicant
kept excelling even during adversity. They want people who have been highachievers all along. This is the time to make intelligent rhetorical choices in a
personal statement. This author would probably do better to continue his line of
argumentation that he excelled academically in high school, and that he was the
first in his family to attend college. He could include the section on not having
enough money to eat in college (cutting out the section on lousy grades), and then
explain that he reached a turning point in his life. But rather than a turning point in
caring about school, he should present the turning point as a new interest in being
responsible about finance. At this point, he might simply say “The last straw was
when I had to barter my Discman for a bus ticket from a job interview in New York
City back to Boston.” He should cut the part about his biological father, and end
strong with his newfound talent for finance. Perhaps the introduction could be
rewritten to describe one of the quick decisions he made for Morgan Stanley.
Revising in these ways makes the applicant seem much more mature, and puts the
admissions committee on his side. This shifts the focus to “where he is going” not
“how he got here.”
Chapter 13: Chronological Growth (Topic)
Published November 2009
Often there is an experience in a person’s life that encourages, forces, or allows
them to grow up. For many people, this is a study abroad experience, where they
are exposed to other cultural perspectives. Traveling abroad encourages students
to develop skills in planning, organization, and responsibility, as well as in foreign
language skills. Study abroad is a natural indicator of growth because, upon return,
one experiences re-acclimating to an old life that seems, somehow, too tight.
Admissions committee members read many personal statements about study
abroad experiences. That said, the topic of growth from a study abroad experience
has the potential to be dull for the reader. If you decide to write about your study
abroad experience, try to pick a great story and use plenty of sensory details. Spice
up any hum-drum chronological growth statement with an organizing metaphor, a
reoccurring image, or a vivid character sketch.
26. High-Stakes Law Experience
During my last semester at Wellesley, having already taken every political theory
course offered, I enrolled in a class entitled “Courts, Law and Politics.” On the first
day of class, Professor Burke handed out index cards so we could write down the
requisite introductory information: Name, Class, Email, Phone Extension. But he
added one more question: Are you planning to go to Law School? I quickly wrote
down “Yes,” since, for as long as I could remember, law school was always in The
Plan.
When Professor Burke read my card, he took advantage of the certainty with which
I answered his final question. He jokingly commented that the point of his class was
to convince students like me not to go to law school because, as he put it, “most
students don’t really know what lawyers do.” I laughed but vowed not to be swayed.
After all, I hadn’t allowed a frightening introductory class to dissuade me from
studying political theory, a subject in which I later flourished and excelled. Why
should I allow this one professor’s joke to shake my confidence in pursuing law
school?
***
One afternoon, I barged into Professor Burke’s office unannounced after completing
that week’s class reading, Broken Contract, Richard Kahlenberg’s memoir about his
years at Harvard Law School and his struggle to harmonize his liberal ideals with
the mounting pressure to pursue corporate law. “How is it,” Kahlenberg wrote, “that
so many students can enter law school determined to use law to promote liberal
ideals and leave three years later to counsel the least socially progressive elements
of our society?” The question struck me. Law school and becoming a lawyer had
always held its place in my long-term life plan; yet, looking back, I had also always
dedicated my time and energy to pursuing the liberal trifecta: equality, liberty and
justice. From my first research paper at the age of seven on Susan B. Anthony to
my stint on the Hill learning about Asian Pacific American political causes to
encouraging students to vote as Chair of the Committee for Political and Legislative
Action, I had taken pride in consistently searching for ways to increase opportunity,
level the playing field, and advocate for those whose voices were seldom heard.
Rarely had I considered that, as a lawyer, that might not always be the case. Could
I proudly represent both the PG&Es of the world and the trifecta at the same time?
On that day, in Professor Burke’s office, I panicked. I didn’t want to sell out or give
up my idealism, but at the same time, I recognized that my past studies and work
experiences naturally culminated with a career in law. Part of me was angry—angry
at Professor Burke for assigning me a reading that shattered my confidence. The
other part of me was scared. Never had I so blindly dedicated myself to an idea I
knew so little about. Reading Kahlenberg’s memoir revealed that I had no actual
conception of what it was like to practice law or the demands of the career. I was,
as he had said, just another student planning to go to law school with no realistic
notion of what lawyers actually did.
I can’t recall the majority of Professor Burke’s advice, but I do remember his
assurances: only I could change my beliefs and, if he knew anything about me, he
knew I wouldn’t take a job in a place where I couldn’t be proud of my work. On that
day, I decided that if I was going to go to law school, I was going to enter knowing
exactly what I was getting myself into.
***
Almost a year later, on a cold February morning, I sat, surrounded by attorneys and
other paralegals, in a conference room at Paul, Weiss, Rifkind, Wharton & Garrison,
LLP, to hear the latest updates on the largest case ever to be handled at the firm.
This case, characterized by several state and federal investigations and a growing
number of civil lawsuits, was an all-encompassing monster that demanded the
cooperation of almost one hundred attorneys and over twenty paralegals. As
associates described the legal basis for each claim, the ongoing discovery process,
and their strategies to protect the interests of the company, I listened intently and in
awe. By then, I had worked at the firm for almost eight months, and during that
time, I saw my responsibilities grow as I adapted flawlessly to the pace of work,
hours and demands of the firm. I worked long hours, all-nighters, and “allweekenders” in order to finish projects on time, and my experience provided me
with a realistic picture of attorney life.
While attorneys presented on ERISA, RICO, securities and derivatives issues, I
filled with excitement as I matched my past projects to the timelines the attorneys
spoke of. In my mind, I saw how my work fit into the larger legal strategy and the
story my firm was trying to advocate to the courts. A senior associate closed the
meeting by simply stating: “No matter what you're doing or where you end up, know
that you are a part of a team that is making history. And that is something you
should take pride in.”
***
Six days later on February 9, 2006, American International Group, Inc., the world's
largest insurance provider, agreed to pay $1.64 billion to settle federal and state
charges of fraud, bid-rigging, and improper accounting. It is the largest regulatory
settlement by a single company in U.S. history. While the sum itself is shocking, the
monetary value of the settlement cannot overshadow the value of the commitment
our case team made to ensure that the company fully cooperated with state and
federal officials. The next day, the firm credited “a star team of . . . attorneys and
paralegals who worked around the clock and traveled around the world” for AIG's
“unprecedented” positive relationship with regulators. That day, I was in Bermuda,
scouring AIG’s archives for documents. Covered in dust from moving nearly one
hundred grimy boxes, I read the firm’s press release and beamed with pride,
knowing that I had helped make history. Despite my initial fear of defending large,
profit-driven corporations, I managed to help protect a multi-billion dollar company
from the detrimental effects of its management choices. There is a difference
between a corporation and those who run it, and while there is an obligation to
bring those men to justice, there is an equal responsibility to preserve the company
in the interest of shareholders, other employees and those who utilize the
company’s services. At that moment, I forgot all about the long hours and allnighters, the monotonous and tedious tasks, the paper jams in the copiers and the
paper cuts, the high expectations, and the pressure for perfection. I remembered,
instead, the lessons I had learned along the way: communication is key;
organization and precision are necessary; patience under pressure is invaluable;
and above all, a flexible perspective is vital. Sometimes there are large, greedy
corporations that prey on the individual, but other times, and in this case, there are
greedy individuals who prey on the companies they run. In that minute of reflection,
a realization crossed my mind: my grandiose view of law was gone, and in its place
was a truer understanding of the practice of law.
My view of law is still idealistic in its effects, but entirely practical in its exercise.
Fusing my knowledge of political theory, which constantly searches for the ideal,
with my experience in a law firm, which celebrates tangible results, I bring a
conception of law that balances its normative nature with its descriptive qualities.
And more importantly, through all this discovery and self-exploration, I created a
personal understanding of law that I can not only practice, but also take pride in.
Commentary 26: High-Stakes Law Experience
Topic: Chronological Growth, Mentor (Professor Burke, trading idealism for
realism)
Structure: Personal Narrative
Thesis: I understand law practice and have been in the “field.”
Elements of Style: Confident and motivated energy
Committee Appeal: Tangible Impact on Individuals or Groups, Intellectual/
Academic Excellence, Real World Experience, Good Leadership Skills/Works Well
with People
Success Rating: 9/A
What’s Strong:
This is a truly exceptional law school personal statement. The candidate structures
the statement as a narrative of personal growth, and her topic is what led her to
learn more about the responsibilities of a lawyer in a firm. This essay is full of
specific details, including unique details chosen for the competitive edge they give
against other candidates. Her narrative follows a dynamic plotline in which she
starts out with great self-confidence, then falters, is guided by a mentor through the
crisis, and then proactively seeks more knowledge in a new realm that restores and
even boosts her self-confidence to a new level. This is a standard format for a law
school personal essay, but this candidate shows herself to be one of the best
applicants in the pool because she has already excelled in real-world law
experience (she was one of twenty paralegals working on the largest regulatory
settlement by a single company in U.S. history). Through her legal work, the
applicant impacted hundreds of individuals. Being able to claim this fact is the
climax of the essay, which all the other component parts work to set up and
enhance. Even her stint on Capitol Hill is subordinated to this achievement. The
applicant chose a narrative that keeps her human, but makes her look like a star in
the end.
The specific details about this event make the narrative both genuine and
impressive. Law school admissions committee members know very few applicants
will have dug through dusty files to gather evidence for a trial, and almost none will
have traveled to an overseas territory to do so. This applicant speaks exactly the
right rhetoric that will appeal to the admissions committee audience. For example,
she uses a comparison to explain how she “excelled and flourished” in one area,
which is comparable to another in which she expects to excel. She tells the reader
about the organizations in which she has held leadership positions by working them
into her argument about how she has valued liberal politics in school. This way they
seem perfectly appropriate to the context and seamlessly woven into the narrative,
while they contribute evidence for why this candidate should be admitted. A less
rhetorically sophisticated essay might just state the leadership positions, but not
use them to make a larger point. The candidate’s rhetorical treatment of what went
through her mind when she read the press release is also rhetorically masterful:
She tells the reader that at that moment she did not remember the bad times x, y, z,
but she remembered the lessons learned, including a, b, c. This clever sentence
lets the reader know that she has experienced the mundane aspects of the
profession (dust, paper cuts, copy jams), so she knows what she is getting into on
that front. The writer could have said she remembered the good times and
described some moments with her team, but instead she made a better rhetorical
choice and described the lessons she learned from the experience. The reader can
tell the lessons she learned are genuine, and it turns out that these are important
skills to hone in order to be a good lawyer: communication, precision, patience,
flexibility. Thus, the applicant pithily showcases some of the qualities admissions
committee members look for, while suggesting she is now knowledgeable about the
various demands of the law profession. She gives an intelligent, self-taught
description of a corporation as more than those at the highest levels. The candidate
ends positively with a strong character, underscoring her confidence, selfdetermination, and promise to succeed in a law career.
What’s Wrong:
This essay is quite long. If necessary, the third-to-last paragraph and the last
paragraph can be cut, since they do not add anything particularly new to the
statement. The second-to-last sentence contains unnecessary jargon. The narrative
about Professor Burke is possibly a bit dramatic. Surely she didn’t fling open her
professor’s office door and literally barge in. Law schools don’t want to think a
candidate will have future crises in which she defies common rules of decorum. It
would be fine to say simply, “One afternoon I showed up at Professor Burke’s office
unannounced after completing that week’s class reading, Broken Contract, Richard
Kahlenberg’s memoir about his years at Harvard Law School and his struggle to
harmonize his liberal ideals with the mounting pressure to pursue corporate law.”
The applicant will probably want to have Professor Burke write a letter of
recommendation for her, as well as one of the lawyers at Paul, Weiss, Rifkind,
Wharton & Garrison, LLP. In the paragraph in which she describes the lessons she
has learned from the AIG case, she might want to talk about teamwork, since this is
especially important to admissions committees. It could be done by writing,
“communication with the team is key.…” Finally, to work in evidence of her
intellectual and analytical abilities when she describes the dusty files, she could
claim to sift through files quickly and efficiently while gathering evidence that would
make the strongest argument.
27. Uganda and Cambodia
Outraged, I walked out of the large lecture hall on the first day of class my freshman
year of college. As I left, I could still hear the professor rattling off percentages
about the relationship between open markets and poverty levels, without
acknowledging the incalculable human suffering these figures represented. A young
anti-globalization activist, I felt more comfortable being tear-gassed at protests than
with this presentation of ideas different than my own. As I left the room, the
professor jokingly remarked, “I guess she won’t be taking the class.” A few students
laughed uncomfortably; my chest tightened in righteous anger.
What did my boycott of the class accomplish? The professor would never know
what angered me about his presentation. It would be my senior year before I
learned the quantitative relationship he had explicated—knowledge that would have
helped me understand the global reality I felt to be so unjust. Although I excelled in
college, I spent much of it safely on the political fringe, avoiding classes and
interactions that might challenge my solid, simplistic ideas.
These ideas crumbled when confronted by the complexity of the developing world.
First, during a semester studying development in Uganda, I found that the people at
the World Bank with whom I was doing research were not the money-grubbing
caricatures I had believed them to be. Then, in Cambodia the following summer, I
was crushed when the indigenous poverty-relief organization I had received a grant
to work for closed in an embezzlement scandal. This complex reality—in which the
apparent villains and victims do not play their assigned roles—did not fit into my
neat categories of good and evil. The line between them blurred and my own place
in the resulting chaos became unclear. What was I doing in these countries halfway
around the globe? Was I trying to relieve the proverbial white man’s burden and
assuage my own guilt? My passion and activism were brought into question by a
reality far murkier than I had believed it to be.
Reeling from this sense of confusion and loss of identity, I fell back on the Tibetan
Buddhist tradition of my parents. After college I did a month-long meditation retreat
called a dathun. During the long hours of meditation, I realized that I had never
looked at my own mind. At school, I was so busy learning about the world that I had
not examined my interactions with it. I began to see that my indignation usually
created more confusion than understanding or change, and that my American
goodwill was naïve at best and neocolonial at worst. By dismissing opinions that
differed from my own—leaving the metaphoric classroom again and again—I had,
on a small level, replicated a common pattern of intolerance. My inability to engage
with the professor and the angry tightening in my chest as I left the classroom are
no different than what fuels partisanship and political violence around world.
Although my life had always appeared to be dedicated to others, I realized I had no
idea how to be of real benefit. I did not want to continue to live in this way, so I
devoted myself to the practice and study of meditation and immersed myself in
Boulder, Colorado’s substantial Buddhist community.
A science of the mind, the practice of meditation has allowed me to see through my
seemingly solid opinions, thoughts, and emotions. I have found that whether selfish,
altruistic, trivial, or profound, they are fleeting; they rise and fall away one moment
to the next. In between them are gaps filled with an empathetic awareness that
remains constant, like the continually shining sun behind the ephemeral clouds.
This awareness sees suffering—my own and other’s—and tries to ease it, often
using theories and opinions to order the world and make it legible. This basic desire
not to suffer was the seed for my belief in the supremacy of protest and villainy of
the World Bank. I believe it was also at the root of my professor’s vision of a
numbered reality. We are not that different after all.
I stopped believing in my theories and opinions so rigidly once I saw the process by
which they are formed and the basic human desire for happiness at their root. My
professor’s numerical presentation of open markets and poverty levels was correct
according to his logic and priorities—as was my critique according to mine. They
are, in fact, complementary snapshots of a reality so complex it can only be
approximately captured. This realization has not made the pursuit of theoretical
knowledge seem futile. Rather, as I continue my study of global justice, the
importance of both my professor’s and my perspectives has become clear. They
now coexist in my mind—helpful but incomplete theories that expose each other’s
assumptions. This thought process is the result of my Buddhist training in the
middle way between the extremes of fanatical belief on the one hand, and the
rejection of the pursuit of knowledge on the other.
This tolerance for contradicting truths has spawned a playful curiosity as well as the
desire to engage. In discovering the basis and biases of my own opinions, I am
excited to learn about those of my once sworn enemies. Why do social
conservatives and free-market economists think the way they do, and where is the
common ground on which we can stand and explore what the world needs? I want
to stay in the classroom with the professor whose perspective I disagree with,
identify the truth in it, and challenge it fully instead of running away. Training, in
meditation, to touch into the basic human awareness that underlies these myriad
perspectives has given me the open-minded confidence to listen—and then
disagree if necessary. This willingness to leave the gated communities of our own
opinions is necessary in a society that allows all of those opinions, those imperfect
snapshots of reality, to coexist. I want to be in the room where the laws that form
that society, and protect the competing opinions of its people, are debated and
created. I no longer want to protest outside.
Commentary 27: Uganda and Cambodia
Topic: Chronological Growth (experiences in Uganda, Cambodia, and with
Buddhism)
Structure: Personal Narrative
Thesis: I have become shrewd but tolerant.
Elements of Style: A rant
Committee Appeal: Intellectual/Academic Excellence, Real World Experience,
Pro-Active Starter
Success Rating: 6/B
What’s Strong:
This author is driven by personal commitments. The essay is structured as a
narrative of personal growth, explaining why the applicant shifted from an insular to
a cosmopolitan young woman. She describes developing a resourceful, eager, and
strong character from a once stubborn attitude. The topic is how the real world
clashed with her theoretical personal views. To cope with her awakening, the author
turned to Buddhism, which taught her the importance of meditation and mediation,
periods of calm followed by a middle path. And this subsequently taught her the
importance of staying calm in a heated situation as well as the value of
compromise. She also understands the importance of dialogue, and she makes it
clear that she is ready to back down from the views she was protecting in order to
open herself up to points of view she has never fully considered. She has also
demonstrated that she can be strong-willed and formidable if certain situations in
law school and beyond require these characteristics.
What’s Wrong:
The heart of this essay is not the freshman teacher, but the awakening experience
the author had in Uganda. Perhaps it would be better to begin with a specific story
about a World Bank employee interacting with someone in Uganda; the author
could then describe how her views began to change in that moment. To start with
the freshman class story is to start negatively with a poor first impression of the
applicant’s character because the reader is asked to envision an entire room
laughing at the applicant for her naïve idealism. It matters how one first presents
oneself in a personal statement, and it can be hard to recover from an initially
negative self-presentation. The author might want to consider writing the essay
from a different perspective, perhaps by using a more authoritative, reflective
narrator who interprets the experiences with a mature perspective. Right now, the
essay is narrated from the perspective of a person in the moment, becoming
increasingly indignant and then confused and full of questions. This invites the
reader to feel the same frustration and confusion in the third paragraph, but this
emotional journey might be lost on the reader because there are not any specific
details about Uganda or Cambodia that would put the reader in the moment. The
essay seems to begin over again at the end of the fourth paragraph, when the
applicant reevaluates her personal commitments. The reader wants to have made
progress by this point, to have been told what qualities make the applicant a good
candidate for law school. Introducing a retrospective narrator from the beginning
could easily solve this. A wise narrator, who is of course a picture of the author now,
who has distance and perspective on the events, would be able to make sense of
the younger self’s feelings in a positive light. This narrator would be able to take the
reader out of that confused mind into a more informed place by interpreting what
was happening in a way that brings out the positive qualities of the author’s journey,
such as a searching mind, the ability to experience doubt, and willingness to
embrace other cultures.
One contradiction in this essay seems to be that the author asserts her individuality
throughout the essay, but this jars against her Buddhist commitment to
selflessness. The tone of the essay often seems angry, with phrases like “outraged”
and “sworn enemy,” rather than the reflection of a still mind. College is a time to be
receptive to many new ideas. The essay would end more powerfully if instead of
saying she would like “to stay in the classroom with the professor whose
perspective I disagree with, identify the truth in it, and challenge it fully instead of
running away,” she could describe how she did go back to that professor (or
another one in her department) and debate. This would demonstrate that she now
actively seeks out social interaction and coalition building, that she is not a loner,
and that she has impacted others. If this essay included a few more personal
details and interpretation of the evidence it gives, then it would better tell why the
candidate should be admitted to law school, not just that it is something she very
much wants. This essay is an example of how an extremely talented applicant can
choose a tone that actually hurts the application.
28. UK Study Abroad
The sight of the New York City skyline has twice signaled the finality of significant
chapters in my life. In both instances, despite four years between them, the
moment my airplane landed, I looked out the window and saw the same familiar
scene of monolithic skyscrapers protruding from the city with the same familiar
sense of internal progression and development. These two experiences, first in
Rocky Ford, Colorado, and then in Edinburgh, Scotland, though cities separated by
much more than mere distance, have facilitated a personal understanding of my
own self and the world which I inhabit. Perhaps it was because I view New York as
my home and carry with that sentiment all of the comforts associated, that I found it
truly necessary to leave it in order to find the answers to some internally pressing
questions. Therein lay the leading cause for what would become two of the most
noteworthy experiences in my life thus far, both of which would test my ability to
accept, and be accepted by, a new culture while defining the person who I was and
was going to be.
Rocky Ford, Colorado has a population slightly over one thousand, and literally no
Jewish denizens. Therefore, when I, along with fifteen other Jewish teenagers
preparing to enter their senior year of high school, embarked upon a journey to the
small town just across the New Mexico border, I was timid and concerned to say
the least. Through the American Jewish Society for Service, a non-profit
organization, we were commissioned to construct and repair homes for many of the
town’s citizens, most of whom lived below the poverty line. Immediately upon
arrival, we were treated differently by the native population; we were given an
inhospitable welcome and glanced at by on-lookers as we walked through the
town’s streets, yet we continued to perform the task at hand. Within two weeks, we
had begun work on homes for almost ten families, and were clearly affecting an
undeniably positive impact upon the community. Through our laborious work, town
leaders and citizens alike began to slowly commend our ambitions, and, most
rewardingly, some even began to volunteer their time and effort to rebuild their
community alongside us. The ultimate signal of our acceptance into their society
came on the evening of August 10, 2001, when the town of Rocky Ford threw a
dinner party in appreciation of all that we had accomplished over the course of our
seven weeks in the region. For the first time in my life, in that small Midwest town, I
encountered the breadth and diversity of the American social landscape, and,
furthermore, I was confronted with innovative ideas and beliefs, which I had never
before known, and never will forget.
Although I had lived on my own for two and a half years while attending
Binghamton University, I had always enjoyed the convenience of a three hour car
ride home if necessary, therefore when I chose to study abroad in Scotland’s
vibrant, yet cozy, capital of Edinburgh, I harbored sincere reservations. Although
only four years earlier I had immersed myself in an entirely new culture in Rocky
Ford, I could not fathom the vast societal differences I would encounter in Scotland,
furthermore without the close support of my friends and family members. Despite
the fact that the official language of Scotland is English, there are numerous
linguistic and cultural differences that made the transition from my American
lifestyle increasingly difficult. Within days of my arrival, however, I came to perceive
my time in Edinburgh as a chance to learn about myself and the world in which I
live from an entirely new perspective, and I seized that opportunity. By meeting
individuals of various backgrounds, from Europeans to Africans and Indians, and
traveling throughout the continent itself, I was able to explore and understand
global matters from diverse, and often non-American, points of view. I often forced
myself to listen rather than speak, thus opening my mind to new cultural ideas,
many of which I had never before encountered. Similar to my experience in Rocky
Ford, my journey to Edinburgh, and throughout Europe for that matter, opened my
eyes to entirely new and interesting methods by which I could evaluate myself and
those around me, allowing me to view and analyze issues from a vantage point
which had previously been inaccessible to me.
As I looked out the window of the airplane on May 16, 2006, upon that picturesque
skyline, having returned from just over four months spent abroad in Edinburgh, I
thought back to the day I left, four years earlier, for Rocky Ford. That shy, timid,
unexposed boy who ventured to southeastern Colorado had finally been given a
brief glimpse into the world that he inhabited, and had witnessed the diversity of
people and ideas surrounding him. That journey of personal growth, however, did
not end in Scotland for me. I plan to take my ambitions for further change to law
school, and hopefully allow them grow and flourish in that environment.
Commentary 28: UK Study Abroad
Topic: Chronological Growth (Rocky Ford and United Kingdom experiences)
Structure: Personal Narrative
Thesis: I work well with others and am generous.
Elements of Style: Cultural appeal of September 11
Committee Appeal: Works Well with Others
Success Rating: 5/BWhat’s Strong:
This essay demonstrates that the applicant has immersed himself in various
cultures, has had cross-cultural experience in which he stepped out of his comfort
zone, and that he enjoyed the experience and learned to fit in. This essay is
structured as a personal narrative of growth. For his topic, the applicant has chosen
two specific events of particular importance in his life. These trips demonstrate that
he has influenced others and offered community service. The applicant has shown
the tangible impact he has had on individuals in Rocky Ford, in the form of houses
and community appreciation demonstrated by the banquet. For this reason, the
Rocky Ford portion of this essay is stronger than the Edinburgh portion. The
powerful mythos submerged in this essay is that the New York skyline changed
between the time this applicant returned to New York after being in Rocky Ford,
several days before Sept. 11, and when he returned after being in Edinburgh,
several years after Sept. 11. This is so subtle it might be lost on an admissions
committee member reading fast, but it implies that, like the New York skyline, the
applicant was drastically changed by these events, but instead of something being
taken away, like the lives and towers were, this applicant built and strengthened his
character and personal experience in the change he underwent.
What’s Wrong:
The rhetorical structure of this essay, which is the deep mythos and pathos of Sept.
11, needs to be more clearly articulated, or else the New York City skyline should
not be the structuring image. The applicant needs to acknowledge that the skyline
changed between his two landings, and he needs to make an explicit connection
between changes in the New York City skyline and his life. As it stands now, the two
topical events, Rocky Ford and Edinburgh, aren’t rhetorically linked by anything
other than that they are both trips to other cultures, and Sept. 11 is not there.
Drawing on the shared cultural experience of Sept. 11 is not enough. The applicant
needs to give more evidence of how his experiences developed specific positive
qualities in himself, such as leadership, intellectual and analytic abilities. For
example, he could rewrite the sentence in the introduction about “internally pressing
questions,” which he never explains, to make clear that he left home to find
leadership qualities in himself. Then in the paragraphs that follow, he could describe
and interpret experiences that give evidence of his leadership qualities. The
admissions committee must have evidence to back up broad assertions. In the
Rocky Ford paragraph, for example, the applicant could discuss what it was like to
work with a team of people like himself, which gradually expanded to include
members of the Rocky Ford community, whom he at first thought were very
different from himself. He could give an example of how he learned to value
teamwork—both the ability to delegate and the ability to collaborate with others.
Then he could conclude this paragraph with how he became more self-confident,
mature and developed his oral communication skills from this experience. This way,
the statement creates a critical mass of evidence for why the candidate would be
an asset to law school. In the final paragraph, the applicant could also refer back to
his experience in Rocky Ford and link it to Sept. 11 by stating his belief that being
able to understand the point of view of others is important to law, and increasingly
important to our global community.
This statement needs more specific details about Edinburgh. He might want to give
more examples of how he influenced others in Europe. For example, did he hone
his persuasive skills in discussions with friends from different cultures in
discussions about Sept. 11; or, is there one person in particular who sees the world
differently because of their conversations? What specifically did he learn from his
friends from other cultures? In talking with people from many cultures who met in
Edinburgh, perhaps he came to acknowledge that there were many more cultures
much more different from those he had experienced that he would like to learn
more about. Perhaps this inspired him to begin to learn about international law, or
perhaps his travels in Europe inspired him to begin studying French. Specific
details can make all the difference.
In another paragraph after discussing Edinburgh, or in the final paragraph, the
applicant might want to give one or two sentences about his experience of Sept. 11
and the repercussions the tragedy had in his own life, either by developing some of
his qualities or by fueling his interest in law. For example, did he follow the lawsuits
resulting from the event, or the state and national laws that changed because of the
terrorist attack? He should take out the “four years earlier” because it leads the
reader to think both the Rocky Ford and Edinburgh experiences happened after
Sept. 11. The applicant should not describe himself as “shy, timid and unexposed,”
in the last paragraph because these are unnecessary negatives. Perhaps he could
end with a statement about his continuing growth and the skyward rebuilding of his
home skyline.
29. Delmarva Shorebirds
From Ordinary to Honors
Winston Churchill once said, “The farther backward you can look, the farther
forward you are likely to see.” Churchill’s statement is extremely evident in my path
toward law school. Appearing to be a typical straight out of undergraduate law
school applicant, I bring much more than that to the table. My academic
achievements speak for themselves as I graduated with honors in only three years.
However my path toward college was not as successful. I attended a competitive
private high school and was among the bottom tier of students in my class. Going
into my undergraduate studies, I was excited to get to a new place in my life, but
did not realize my potential for academic success.
My success in high school was marginal at best. I was barely a B student. My first
days of high school were rough, leaving my home area to attend a private school
where I did not know a single other person. The discomfort I felt translated into a
not so great first two years and I only ended up a B student because of a fairly
successful senior year.
I again decided to leave my comfort zone as I attended the University of South
Carolina (USC), six hundred and fifty miles from home. One of my very first courses
was a seemingly meaningless course, titled “University 101: The Student in
University.” The course was essentially a welcome to school course, an easy A, and
some fair warnings and instructions for surviving the college experience. To most
people including myself, this class appeared to be a waste of time. I could not have
been more wrong.
I quickly began to get very involved in the class, and it became a major factor in my
comfort and success at USC. My instructor, Dr. Gene Luna, was a huge part of this.
Being the Director of Housing as well as the Director of Student Affairs, Dr. Luna
helped me become comfortable on campus and get involved with various activities.
He pushed everyone in the class to succeed, and I soon realized it was not about
University 101, it was about the rest of our first semester, and our continued
success as we went onto our degree.
I realized how poorly I began high school. With that in mind and my newfound
comfort at USC, I thrived early on. I knew I could succeed, and I had an instructor
that cared as a great resource to my success. While other students were struggling
to adjust to college life, I was able to relax and easily make it through my first group
of classes. I felt as if I was better prepared for college life because of my tough
course through high school, and my comfortable introduction to college life.
The college lifestyle seemed to work together with my learning style. Many students
get to college, have an abundance of time on their hands and end up wasting all of
it. For me it was a relief to have some free time, and I used the time to excel in my
class work and still have a great social experience. The more independence I
obtained, the better I was able to deal with it.
My early success has allowed me to push myself as of late in order to graduate in
three years. My comfort at school allowed me to take up to 21 credit hours per
semester, get involved on campus with activities and part-time jobs, and continue to
succeed in my coursework.
I entered my undergraduate studies as someone who struggled in high school,
coming into school with only 4 of my 127 required credits completed. Presently, I
look forward to graduating with a perfect 4.0 grade point average in only three
years and attending law school to pursue a career as an attorney. I look forward to
the challenges ahead, and am finally realizing my full potential for success.
Commentary 29: Delmarva Shorebirds
Topic: Chronological Growth (Raising GPA), Mentor
Structure: Organizing Quote, Personal Narrative
Thesis: I reevaluated my life and goals in college.
Elements of Style: Tribute to a mentor
Committee Appeal: Good Leadership Skills, Works Well with Others
Success Rating: 3/D
What’s Strong:
This applicant chose to structure the personal statement around a quote. Winston
Churchill wrote some of the most memorable quotes in the English language; he
was an artist of the epigram. For this reason, he is over-quoted and often cited out
of context, but he is always loved. This applicant also chose to tell a personal
narrative about a mentor who changed his life. The title and the quote are both
about change through time. The title is “From Ordinary to Honors,” which suggests
the personal statement will be structured by chronological growth. The quote
suggests the writer will look at his past mistakes and accomplishments in order to
make well-evaluated choices about the future. The author’s angle is “I get more
responsible with age.”
What’s Wrong:
The biggest problem with this personal statement is its lack of specific details. The
reader doesn’t feel like he or she gets to know the applicant. The writer doesn’t
explain why he respects Winston Churchill, nor does he explain how the quote
applies specifically to him. Furthermore, he gives no specific details about the law
school he is applying to and why he feels he is a good match for that school. The
reader learns from this statement that the writer feels he has improved as a student
thanks to a teacher named Dr. Gene Luna. There are no specific details about the
author or his mentor. The reader is also told that the applicant began school with
four credits and graduated from USC in three years, all of which can be learned
from the transcript.
This essay’s implicit theme is that the writer achieves success in a comfortable
setting. But what law school touts “comfort” as a central characteristic of its
environment? The rigorous and competitive atmosphere of a J.D. program is, this
writer sets us up to believe, akin to his “competitive private high school” experience;
it is, in other words, a setting in which he is likely to flounder. The other problem
with the emphasis on success and comfort is simply that it is redundant: in this 650word statement, variations on the word “success” are used a dozen times, and
forms of “comfort” appear over half a dozen times. The personal statement should
develop and expand the applicant’s strengths, or show them at work in a variety of
contexts, rather than just reiterate them.
The essay sets up valuable points of entry where specific details could illustrate
why this applicant would make a good law school candidate, but these
opportunities are missed. For example, the personal narrative about the mentor, Dr.
Gene Luna, lacks a story. The writer might, for example, elaborate on the claim that
Luna “pushed everyone in the class to succeed.” How? At what? Did everyone in
the class take up the challenge, or is the writer’s experience unique in some way?
If, for example, the applicant discussed how Professor Luna taught his class about
USC’s commitment to working with endangered species, and the applicant
organized a special workshop to read and discuss the legal literature on animal
rights, then that would give the admissions committee a specific story that
illustrates the applicant’s qualities of motivation, leadership, analytic ability, and
organization. In such a case, the applicant would want Professor Luna to mention
this contribution in a letter of recommendation, in order to verify the story and
therefore verify the applicant’s assertions about his qualities and character.
This personal statement also sets up a potentially powerful quote to create a
thematic backbone for the essay, but the essay does not unpack the rhetorical
power of the quote and weave that power through the essay. This writer needs to sit
down with the quote and spend time unpacking the various levels and resonances
of it in relation to his life and goals. The quote by Winston Churchill this writer chose
as his epigraph is, “The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are
likely to see.” The writer of this statement should have looked back at least as far as
the time when Churchill said this, since the quote itself is about the value of history,
not the value of an individual life. However, a cunning writer could beautifully bend
the quote’s meaning to encompass one life, while at the same time invoking world
events of great significance that have impacted him. For example, if the applicant
were able to mention a grandparent who had some significant connection to World
War II (and therefore Churchill) and who influenced the applicant by teaching him
lessons about life or law, then the quote would have both cultural and personal
significance, in addition to specific details that would contribute to developing the
author’s personality. A rhetorical strategy such as this would allow the quote to
unfurl its full power, and it would elegantly bind the quote to a personal history, one
that impacts, and is impacted by, others.
Finally, this essay focuses too much energy on negative aspects of the applicant’s
personal history. Focusing on the fact that the applicant was among the bottom tier
of students in his high school class does nothing to recommend the applicant for
law school. Law schools, especially top law schools, expect applicants to have
been high-achievers all along. Showing improvement over time might not be the
best structure for this applicant to choose in the final draft of the personal
statement. Improvement over time is best used when the applicant has had to
overcome a major difficulty, such as a learning disability, a major accident, or
moving to a new country with a new language, not just moving to a new school.
Chapter 14: The Mentor (Topic)
Published November 2009
Many people can identify one person who helped them excel intellectually or to find
themselves when young adulthood had them reeling. You may decide to organize
your personal statement around a mentor if you made friends with someone who
helped you along your developmental path by inspiring you, challenging you, or
simply caring about your welfare. Distinguish yourself from the mentor, and do not
let the essay become too much about the mentor. The following two essays explain
in what ways the authors listened to their mentors’ experience, so that they did not
choose their own paths in ignorance. These authors make the mentors likeable.
They capture the feeling of wisdom the mentors imparted. They also demonstrate
that they acted on the insight the mentor offered. This topic goes well with the
character sketch structure.
30. Debate Skills
As I walked into Professor Deatherage’s office my heart was racing. Scott
Deatherage was the Coach of the Decade for the 1990s and had won two more
National Debate Tournament championships by 2003. He had taken me under his
wing when I arrived, wide-eyed in Chicago. Four years later, after the best
tournament of my life, I was going to tell the man who believed in this small town
Texan that my debate career had come to an end. What would he say?
That summer I had spent countless late nights reading everything about global
agricultural policy and had produced a policy proposal that was selected by almost
every team on our squad to defend during tournaments that year. In my freshman
year I had not known where to start on my first research project, but now entering
my senior year I had produced a 700-page file made up of newspaper, book, and
law review articles and congressional testimony on every aspect of agricultural
subsidy policy.
During the season, my partner and I had gone toe-to-toe with the best teams in the
nation. Northwestern debate had brought me from a small town orator to an
analytical strategist. As I moved through my senior year, I realized that I had
learned an amazing amount about myself through debate; however, the time had
come to think about the big picture. Our coaches taught us that in a debate round, if
one attempts to win every point of contention, then he or she will be spread too thin
and lose the entire argument. In the larger picture of my academic career, I needed
to choose between the activity I loved and getting the most of the academic
opportunities available to me. My application to write an honors thesis in the
English department had recently been accepted. The research and critical reading
skills that I had honed over the past four years were now to be turned to novels and
theoretical essays. If I decided to do both debate and my thesis, then I would
succeed at neither. As Professor Deatherage told us again and again, “you must
choose, because if you go for everything you will win nothing.”
Working on my honors thesis illuminated how valuable debate was to my
intellectual development. I read each paper as I had each article for debate. I had
been drilled in argument structure, discriminating between critical and unimportant
details and summarizing the central theses of what I read. With the guidance of my
advisor, Professor Brian Edwards, I did go on to write a thesis of which I am very
proud. The outstanding instruction at Northwestern University exposed me to new
worlds of knowledge, and debate had gave me the tools necessary to develop my
own critical lens to take full advantage of that knowledge throughout my life.
Since college I have moved to the Bay Area with my wife as she pursues her
doctorate. I have used these years to explore my interests to determine my future
career goals. As I researched numerous fields I took an inventory of my skills and
interests. The skills I listed were those that drew me into debate in the first place:
public speaking, critical reading, argument analysis, persuasion, and research. I will
be able to best use these skills in the legal field.
Currently I work for a company that specializes in producing electronic, educational
toys. This has opened my eyes to the complex challenges facing companies
dependent on proprietary technologies and content that, for financial reasons, must
manufacture products in nations without lengthy traditions of copyright and patent
protections. I think Stanford’s Science, Technology, and Intellectual Property Law
Program would be an excellent fit for my personal interests and skills. The close
ties with companies in Silicon Valley and the Bay Area facing these challenges daily
makes Stanford the ideal location for me to pursue my legal studies.
In his office Professor Deatherage warmly listened to what I had decided. I will
never forget the elation I felt when he expressed his pride in watching me mature
into the debater and person I had become. Being from a small town in Texas
himself, he understood what it meant for me to have come as far as I had, and that
I was ready to face another challenge.
Commentary 30: Debate Skills
Structure: Personal Narrative
Topic: Mentor (Leaving the debate team to write a senior thesis)
Thesis: I have excellent skills in argumentation, along with realistic goals and
maturity.
Elements of Style: Logical
Committee Appeal: Intellectual Excellence, Regional Uniqueness
Success Rating: 9/A
What’s Strong:
The essay is energetic, and it lauds debate skills, both of which will make the
admissions committee sit up and gratefully take notice. It begins with suspense and
fulfills the promise of the resolution at the end of the essay. The essay teaches a
lesson to everyone who reads it, which is not to overextend oneself, but to choose
goals wisely and see each one through to the best of one’s abilities. This candidate
has an excellent character, or ethos, in which he demonstrates strength of will and
pride in his accomplishments. His rhetoric also suggests he, like the professor
whose background he shares, will grow into a master of his field and an inspiring
supporter of others. This is an excellent essay.
The applicant was admitted to both Stanford and Berkeley, which have the finest
intellectual property programs in the nation.
What’s Wrong:
A few minor adjustments will make this essay stand out as exceptional. In the first
paragraph, the applicant should mention at which college Professor Deatherage
coached. This will allow the applicant to get across that he was debating with the
best college debaters in the country. He should integrate the paragraph on soulsearching after college with the paragraph about his job at the toy company. He
should also discuss what he did at the toy company, and why he chose this job.
Telling why he chose this job will underscore the claim that he carefully chooses
each goal and fulfills it to his full potential before moving on. For example, he
should state what skills he expected to acquire or improve from this job (such as
negotiation, public speaking, patent law, or whatever skill it was that he wanted to
develop). He should then state that he did improve those skills, and that he is ready
to move on. He should give more specific examples about what he achieved on the
Northwestern debate team. For example, the author should more clearly convey
that the team competed nationally, and whether his team won a national title.
Furthermore, was his debate league the highest level for debate teams in the
country, before actual professional debates in the courtroom and policy offices?
This information will help the admissions committee put the applicant’s
accomplishments into perspective by giving evidence that he is one of the best
debaters in the country. The applicant should also make sure Professor Deatherage
writes him a recommendation letter because the admissions committee will want
this to substantiate what the applicant claims about his debate skills, and will enjoy
reading about the narrative from another perspective. Finally, the author should
replace most of his uses of the past perfect tense with the past tense. The reader
encounters over a dozen instances of “had” in the first three paragraphs alone—a
jarring interruption in otherwise smooth-flowing prose.
31. Korean American
According to the Bible, we are created in God's image, with a unique beauty that is
all our own. Yet, for most of my life, I cringed at the face that I saw in the mirror. To
my family, my shiny black hair and yellowish skin were proud reminders of my
Korean heritage. To me, they were painful evidence that I was different from the
other students in my grade school classroom. For many immigrants, moving to
America is an exciting opportunity to develop an identity that embodies the best
aspects of two cultures. Unfortunately, when I arrived in the United States at age
four, I did everything possible to condemn the Korean part of my heritage. In a
classroom filled with blonde, blue-eyed students, my Asian features drew unwanted
comments and scrutiny. Each night, I showered furiously to "whiten" my skin, so
that I would resemble the other students. In my childish mind, being different meant
being inferior, which was simply too painful to bear.
A key part of my assimilation plan was to master English, which helped me to
establish an identity that was separate from my parents. The more proficient I
became in my new language, the more I detested their broken English and heavy
accents, which were a constant source of embarrassment. Each year, my awkward
experience on "Open House Night" forced me to confront the disparity between my
public and private worlds. Unlike other children, whose parents spoke effortlessly
with the teachers, I spent the entire night serving as translator for my mother and
father. In those painful moments, I feared that I would never be accepted in this
new world that I yearned to call my own.
By the time I enrolled at Torrance High School, my primary goal was to be "100%
American." Accordingly, I distanced myself from the Korean Students Association in
favor of cross-country and track, where I could socialize with the popular Caucasian
students. As graduation approached, I seized the chance to continue my education
in a diverse East Coast environment. I rejected prominent colleges and universities
that boasted a high percentage of Asian students in favor of Brandeis University,
which offered a prestigious politics program and a selective, mainstream
population. In such an illustrious group of student leaders, activists, and geniuses, I
hoped to shed the final remnants of my immigrant identity.
Everything changed the summer before college, when my paternal grandmother
died in Korea. At my father's insistence, I accompanied him to Seoul to handle the
details of her funeral. When I first arrived, I was overwhelmed by the sights,
sounds, and smells of such a strange land. I was angered by every aspect of this
culture, which I had tried so valiantly to deny. Sensing my restlessness, my father
encouraged me to attend a series of sermons given by U.S. Senator Paul Shin at a
church in Seoul.
Over subsequent weeks, I was moved by the Senator's inspirational sermons,
which conveyed his devotion to serving God in whatever way he could and his
considerable pride in his Korean-American heritage. One Sunday, I had the honor
of meeting with Senator Shin for a one-on-one conversation and prayer. In his
comforting presence, I admitted my anger and frustration with my dual heritage,
which I viewed as a detriment in American society. I was emotionally tired of trying
to reconcile my outside appearance with what I yearned to be inside.
For a few moments, Senator Shin simply listened in silence. Then he quietly shared
his own experiences of leaving Korea as a young boy to be raised by an American
family. For him, South Korea held horrible memories of abandonment, starvation
and abuse. As a child, he witnessed a homeless friend resort to suicide on the train
tracks to escape the harsh reality of winter. Once he came to America, the Senator
had a real chance at life: food, housing, an education, and a loving family who
supported his hopes and dreams. Although he had every reason to deny his Korean
heritage, which had given him nothing but pain, he embraced it with enthusiasm.
Eventually, he came to see his unique background as a way to connect with people
and promote God's word.
To my surprise, Senator Shin continued to face discrimination in America, even
after decades of public service. Unlike me, he endured it with honor and integrity,
because he was proud of who he was and what he had been put on earth to do.
During times of doubt, the Senator turned to God for the strength to lead. He also
took the time to give back to other immigrants who were trying to find their way. I
was touched to know that someone who had endured so much pain could be so
thankful, successful, and insightful. For the first time, I was proud of the seemingly
insignificant hyphen between Korean and American, which I had always tried to
deny. After a week of tears, humility, learning, and prayer, I opened my heart to the
half of my heritage that I had suppressed for so long; I became a Korean-American.
Eventually, I understood the nature of my anger and frustration. For many years, I
viewed my two nationalities as parents that I had to choose between, although both
of them had played an integral role in the person I had become. To deny one while
embracing the other would mean denying a sacred part of myself. To me, America
is my fatherland; it has given me a home, an education, and the chance to fulfill my
destiny. Korea, on the other hand, is my motherland; it has given me my body,
language, and culture. Although I have taken thousands of showers, my skin will
always retain the yellowish color of my ancestors. To deny my Korean heritage
would be to deny its rich and noble history, of which my parents are justifiably
proud.
With the Senator's help, I acknowledged the value of knowing and accepting
exactly who I was, even if it was different from the norm. He helped me to revive my
faith through prayer to fulfill God's plan for my life. During my last month in Seoul, I
volunteered at an organization that helped bi-racial residents of South Korea deal
with discrimination. The heartbreaking situations they faced, which threatened their
ability to survive, incited my sense of activism. I returned to the United States with a
passion to learn more about my Korean heritage and to help new immigrants adapt
to American culture.
At Brandeis University, I abandoned my original plan to "blend in" with the
mainstream population. Instead, in addition to my double major in Politics and
Sociology, I completed a minor in East Asian Studies, because I wanted to learn
more about Asian languages, culture, and politics. I also joined the Korean Student
Association and the Brandeis Asian-American Student Association, which promoted
a sense of unity and acceptance on campus. As a leader in these groups, I
organized forums, speakers, and social activities to enable Asian and international
students to discuss topics of political and social interest. During Asian Pacific
Heritage Month (APAHM), I coordinated an Asian arts festival at Brandeis called
Shades of Asian America (SKIN), which showcased the music, dancing, writing,
and fashion of Asian-American designers. This creative extravaganza, with its high
energy fashion show, allowed us to break the stereotype of Asian-Americans as
shy, quiet, analytical types.
Assuming a leadership role in these activities was a growth experience that
reinforced my flair for activism. When I discovered that Brandeis did not offer any
courses about Korea, I lobbied the administrators to create a class about Korean
history, culture, politics, and language. Although the university did not create the
course, they hired a sociology professor, Nadia Kim, whose classes about Korean
immigration included issues relating to race, ethnicity, and identity. In addition, to
leading the forums on Asian-American history and politics, I conducted my own
research on the topics, which reinforced my passion for the Korean culture. At the
same time, I continued to nurture the parts of my personality that were decidedly
American; through my work on the student paper and activities board, I became a
student leader who represented both the majority and minority viewpoints on
campus.
During my senior year, I worked as a researcher and translator for Professor Kim,
who lobbies on behalf of Korean immigrants. While translating documents for her, I
humbly learned about the challenges that most immigrants face when attempting to
achieve the American dream. I acknowledged my need to use my considerable
gifts, including my fluency in Asian languages and cultures, to help other minorities
succeed. As a legal assistant and assistant director of employee relations at GN
Computer Networking Corporation, I am privileged to work for an Asian-American
company that encourages diversity by hiring, training, and developing talent in the
Korean-American community. Further, by conducting business with companies in
Seoul, we provide a tangible boost to the Korean economy.
When I look to the future, I am buoyed by Senator Shin's fine example of hope and
activism. Before I met him, I could not imagine how my Korean identity could
benefit my new life in America. His kindness and insight have allowed me to view
my bi-cultural background as an asset that enables me to build a bridge between
two disparate cultures. As an attorney, I will have the skills to help immigrants
understand and protect their rights in America. In doing so, I can attain justice for
clients who would not otherwise have a voice in the legal system.
I am also committed to guiding minority teenagers onto the proper path, as Senator
Shin so graciously guided me. After law school, I hope to establish a non-profit
organization that matches minority students with jobs and internships in their
proposed areas of study. I also plan to lend my voice to initiatives such as the
Dream Act, which provides a mechanism for immigrant children to obtain legal
residency in the United States. My unique background, including my legal
experience at GN Computer Networking Corp. and the District Attorney General's
Office, will add considerable value to my law school class. After a lifetime of
preparation, I am eager to devote my future to the welfare of the Korean-American
community. It is my calling, which I am honored to answer.
Commentary 31: Korean American
Topic: Mentor (Religious leader)
Structure: Personal Narrative
Thesis: When I learned to value diversity, I became a leader.
Elements of Style: Acceptance and faith
Committee Appeal: Good Leadership Skills, Real World Experience, Uniqueness
Success Rating: 8/B+
What’s Strong:
This is an excellent essay because it combines a poignant narrative with an
impressive, swift stream of accomplishments in college. The statement is organized
as a personal narrative and the topic is overcoming internalized prejudice. This
author leads her audience, directing what they think of her struggles, intellectual
abilities and achievements, rather than waiting for them decide. This is the mark of
a very self-confident leader, and it is rare, but very desirable, to find this kind of
voice, or ethos, in a personal statement. For example, the author gives strong
reasons for why she chose Brandeis specifically. Whether it is true or not, this
makes the reader believe the candidate could easily have gone to Harvard or
Princeton, but deliberately chose another course. By analogy, this also leads the
admissions committee to believe that she has researched their law program
thoroughly and knows exactly what she wants to gain from the experience. The
ninth, tenth and eleventh paragraphs are the strongest in the essay because they
provide a rapid-fire account of her achievements in college. These paragraphs are
excellent examples of exactly what admissions committees are looking for in a
personal statement. Paragraph thirteen also gives an excellent example of the
author’s goals after law school.
What’s Wrong:
This essay must be counting on uninformed white readers, because it plays fast
and loose with its treatment of diversity. For one thing, it uses Asian American and
Korean American interchangeably—in paragraph 12, for example, the author
professes knowledge of “Asian languages,” but has only mentioned knowing
Korean, and says she works for an “Asian-American company,” but it only works
with the “Korean-American community.” This could alienate Asian American readers
who are not Korean. The author’s introductory paragraph is also confusing and
reductive. She lives in a place “filled with blonde, blue-eyed students”; however,
Torrance is known in California for having a substantial Japanese-American
population.
The essay is long. Some schools invite this, but if the essay needs to be shortened,
the author should consider cutting several of the paragraphs about Senator Shin,
because the parts of the statement most relevant to the admissions committee are
the ones that discuss her teamwork, leadership, and intellectual pursuits: all of the
things the author accomplished once she achieved a strong sense of self and selfconfidence.
The essay needs to conclude by making clear, strong claims about the applicant’s
future plans. This author’s claims are at times vague or implausible. For example,
the author says she “will have the skills to help immigrants,” but does not say that
she plans to help them. The author would do well to be more specific about her
goals: Does she intend to work in the non-profit sector, or instead expect to do
some pro bono work while working at a firm? Also, the proposal to establish a nonprofit organization seems far-fetched, since the author has not described
experience with non-profit work or job training expertise.
The religious enthusiasm in this essay could be alienating to some members of the
law school admissions committee. They might not be religious or they may expect
writers of personal statements to know that the genre is primarily a place to
showcase intellectual and analytical achievements. For better or for worse, postgraduate education programs expect applicants and students to be private about
their religious beliefs, unless they connect their faith to their career as a lawyer (for
example, one may intend to work as counsel for a religious non-profit). In this
essay, it would be better to treat religious faith with a lighter touch. For example, it is
fine to say that the author attended a series of sermons by Senator Shin. This lets
the admissions committee know that the applicant is describing a religious
experience and that she has a powerful belief system, but it also balances this
aspect with Senator Shin’s incredible achievements as a public servant. One way to
present the author’s experience in Korea might be something like this:
Over subsequent weeks, I was moved by the Senator's inspirational sermons,
which conveyed his devotion to serving in whatever way he could and his
considerable pride in his Korean-American heritage. One Sunday, I was honored to
have a private audience with Senator Shin. In his comforting presence, I admitted
my anger and frustration with my dual heritage, which I viewed as a detriment in
American society. I was emotionally tired of trying to reconcile my outside
appearance with what I yearned to be inside.
For a few moments, Senator Shin simply listened in silence. Then he quietly shared
his own experiences of leaving Korea as a young boy to be raised by an American
family. For him, South Korea held horrible memories of abandonment, starvation
and abuse. As a child, he witnessed a homeless friend resort to suicide on the train
tracks to escape the harsh reality of winter. Once he came to America, the Senator
had a real chance at life: food, housing, an education, and a loving family who
supported his hopes and dreams. Although he had every reason to deny his Korean
heritage, which had given him nothing but pain, he embraced it with enthusiasm.
Eventually, he came to see his unique background as a way to connect with people.
To my surprise, Senator Shin continued to face discrimination in America, even
after decades of public service. Unlike me, he endured it with honor and integrity,
because he was proud of who he was, what he had accomplished, and what he
knew he could achieve as a leader. He also took the time to give back to other
immigrants who were trying to find their way. I was touched to know that someone
who had endured so much pain could be so thankful, successful, and insightful. For
the first time, I was proud of the seemingly insignificant hyphen between Korean
and American, which I had always tried to deny.
To deny my Korean heritage would be to deny its rich and noble history, of which
my parents are justifiably proud.
With the Senator's help, I acknowledged the value of knowing and accepting
exactly who I was, and keeping that faith. During my last month in Seoul, I
volunteered at an organization that helped bi-racial residents of South Korea deal
with discrimination. The heartbreaking situations they faced, which threatened their
ability to survive, incited my sense of activism. I returned to the United States with a
passion to learn more about my Korean heritage and to help new immigrants adapt
to American culture.
Overall, this is an extremely well-written personal statement from an accomplished
young woman.
Appendix A: Reach School Risk-Taking
Published November 2009
For those of you who like to play poker or take a gamble here or there in life, you
might want to consider sending a riskier statement to one or two of your reach
schools. If you anticipate that a typical applicant with your numbers will be rejected,
a unique and compelling statement may help a reach school look beyond those
numbers. Note that “risky” means imaginative, but not cute. No matter what, you
should never send your personal statement in the form of a poem, legal brief,
restaurant menu, visual image, a song, a video, or any other form that is not a short
essay. However, the short essay is one of the greatest challenges to the creative
mind. Shakespeare wrote sonnets because they are the most condensed and
difficult form a writer can choose. Likewise, the short personal statement is a
definitive challenge to a good writer to capture a wonderful story in economical but
deeply satisfying prose.
If sending a slightly riskier personal statement to a reach school appeals to you,
then by all means, try writing two personal statements. Your first should be wellwritten and solid, with a good story and strong specific examples, which
demonstrate your qualities and show how you are unique and talented, and
articulate. This is the statement you send to schools to which you feel you have a
good chance of acceptance. There the goal of your personal statement is to be
beneficial, and most certainly not alienating. Your second statement should be a bit
more extreme; you can take a few more risks, play with the language more; make
yourself a little more memorable.
What makes a candidate memorable? A bizarre or funny story, a striking or even
weird metaphor or theme carried through your essay, more comedy than you
usually try, more sensory description than you usually try: These are all strategies
that might make your statement memorable to the admissions committee. You still
want to make yourself come across as responsible and likeable, even if your selfportrait aims to be completely unique. A riskier statement is kind of like an
independent film. It won’t be standard Hollywood fare; some of your critics (the
admissions committee) will love it, and some might hate it. You’re banking that
someone on the committee loves it enough to fight for you. If someone on the
committee is willing to fight for you, you will probably get in. They’ve got to really
like you, connect with you, and want to get to know you as a friend.
A risky statement will show—not state—your qualities as you move through a
profound story. Presumably, if you are an amazing writer, then your main personal
statement will shout this out to the sensitive ears of the admissions committee. If
you are less confident in your writing skills, in order to be risky, you should probably
stick to telling a striking story with loads of sensory details, or trying to incorporate
more humor. Make the story or the humor as specific to you as you can, and make
yourself an enormously likeable character. Pick a topic or a structure you think is
original to you. Give yourself the license to be a little silly or weird, to push the
envelope a little or be a little off kilter. Don’t go overboard though. For an example
of this kind of risky statement, see Personal Statement 5: The Minimalist.
Appendix B: 'Why Our School?' Essay
Published November 2009
Some law schools, such as the University of Pennsylvania and the University of
Michigan, ask you to write a short statement (in addition to a personal statement)
detailing why you wish to attend their school. You should consider this a question
you need to answer in all of your applications. It is harder than ever to be accepted
to law school, and tailoring each application has become the practice of the most
serious candidates. Tailoring your statement helps you connect with the people
reading your application. It demonstrates that you want to be part of their program
specifically. If you send the same statement to eight schools, you are sending the
message that they have to want you and be willing to fight for you. The committee
will be more willing to risk accepting you if they think you really want them and that
you will be truly thrilled to go there. The committee wants you to give them specific
reasons for why you two are a good match. You must use your rhetorical skills to
convince them they want and need you in their program. Don’t make them do the
work of analyzing why you two would be a good fit. Grab this opportunity for
yourself; otherwise, the committee might not expend the mental effort needed to
match you to their program. Former dean Robert Berring of UC Berkeley Boalt Hall
offers the same advice:
Research the law schools you are considering. If there is one law school that you
care about, research that school and write a personal statement tailored to that
school. Go to their website, ideally visit the law school, and then you can truly
discuss why you want to attend that school, be part of a particular program, or
study with a certain professor. While this requires extra work, it is worth it if you
really want to get into a particular law school…it makes a difference when I can tell
an applicant really wants to attend Boalt.
You are essentially marketing yourself to each law school, whether you choose to
put a kinder spin on that or not. Business school applicants know they’re marketing
themselves; marketing is an important part of their world. Lawyers often call
marketing “rhetorical skills,” but they are essentially the same concept: to convince
someone else to think what you want them to think, by using gentle psychological
manipulation, appeals to certain values, and clear logic.
The more you can find out about each individual program, the better off you’ll be to
explain “Why Our School.” There are many ways to find out about a program, and
to find a place in that program for yourself. For example, you could read or skim a
book that genuinely interests you by one of the law school professors and make a
case for why he or she is the one you want to teach you about X. You might email
this professor to thank them for their book and perhaps ask them a question about
their methodology: “I just finished your book, X, and I wanted to write to let you
know that I thoroughly enjoyed it. It made me change the way I think about X. I’ve
been thinking about the related problem of Y, and I’m wondering if you might be
able to recommend an article or book on this topic.” Do not say to Professor Soand-so you’re applying to law school; keep the focus on him and his work. You
could then write in your application that you were so inspired by Professor So-andso’s book, X, that you struck up an email correspondence, in which you discovered
you were both interested in Y, and it would be an honor to have a chance to get to
work with this law professor whom you admire. In the course of all this, you
probably will get inspired and probably will genuinely be interested in this topic. This
is one example of how you might create a valid reason for the admissions
committee to accept you. Someone on the committee might even chat with
Professor So-and-so, who might encourage the committee member to admit you.
You can also discover specific reasons for wanting to attend a particular institution
by contacting alumni from that law school (martindale.com is a good internet source
for finding attorneys and where they attended law school). Asking an alum for a
short informational interview can yield helpful specifics about your preferred school.
Note that even schools without a “Why Our School?” essay will read this type of
essay as an addendum. Dean Jason Trujillo of the University of Virginia School of
Law confirms this: “Applicants can and do submit ‘Why UVA’ essays all the time.
We just do not specifically ask for them.” Dean Trujillo also confides, “I also get a
number of “Why X Law School” essays all the time, where X is (accidentally) not
Virginia Law. That is a sure way to get yourself wait-listed or rejected.”
Why Penn?
An ideal “Why” essay will show that your knowledge and interest of the school goes
far beyond the surface. The following “Why Penn” essay was written by a candidate
who was accepted to Penn with just a 3.3 GPA (but a 177 LSAT score). This sample
“Why Penn” essay details the applicant’s visit to Penn. It provides strong reasons
why Penn is the ideal law school for this candidate, and it assures the Penn
admissions committee that this student would attend if admitted (which he did). A
well-written “Why Penn” essay can definitely make a difference for borderline
applicants. Here is an example of a strong “Why Penn” essay:
“What if those prospectives, up there, fell through the floor? Would Penn have a
duty to them that would be different from Penn’s duty to you? They haven’t paid
tuition–I bet they haven’t even paid their application fees yet!” That hypothetical,
posed by Professor Eric Feldman during a Torts class, drew laughter from the
students and eight visitors (including myself) who were present. After the chuckling
died down, three students responded to the question seriously (unfortunately, no
one seemed to think Penn would have much of a duty to us poor, injured
prospectives), and Professor Feldman went on from there to another hypothetical.
Throughout class, students were well prepared, and they actively and intelligently
participated in the discussion. Both students and professor showed evidence of
what I am most looking for in my law school experience: a rigorous, intellectual
inquiry into the law that takes place in a collegial, and relatively relaxed,
atmosphere. Other students I spoke to and observed that day solidified my
impression. So did the conversations I had with my friend, Priya, Penn Law '08. She
spoke glowingly about the academic and theoretical foundation she received at
Penn and the advantages it gave her during clerkship, in corporate law, and now, in
the Philadelphia D.A.’s office. Priya also gave rave reviews to Penn’s professors
(Geoffrey Hazard, in particular) and the atmosphere of the school. I have visited
schools where students were relaxed and happy, and I have spoken to students at
others where the academics were intense and rigorous. Penn Law is the only place
I have personally encountered that has all those characteristics simultaneously,
and, largely because of that, Penn is my first choice for law school.
Among the many other attractive aspects of Penn is that it demonstrably considers
public service as something more than an afterthought. I have heard nothing but
positive reviews of the public service requirement, and I am also interested in
completing for-credit public service, through an offering such as the Interdisciplinary
Child Advocacy Clinic. Penn’s overtly interdisciplinary approach to law is also
appealing, since I have practical goals involving cross-disciplinary work. My wife is
an Ob/Gyn here in Delaware, which has a developing medical malpractice
insurance crisis, and I am interested in supplementing my legal education with
courses like “Economics of Health Care and Policy” at Wharton in hopes of one day
contributing to a solution.
My wife, and my family in general, represent another major reason why Penn Law
would be the ideal place for me to pursue my legal education. We have lived in
Boston, New York City, and the Bay Area of California, but Dover, Delaware is
where we have made our home. We are deeply involved in the community and
have established strong friendships here. My wife has recently become a partner in
her medical practice, and would prefer not to start her career over somewhere new.
If nothing else, there is one very practical consideration tying us to the area: if my
wife were to leave the state, she would be charged a malpractice insurance
premium to cover hypothetical lawsuits that could be brought against her regarding
any of the deliveries and other surgeries that she has performed here over the past
three years. That premium would cost us, personally, over $75,000.
I realize that, if admitted, I would need to find an apartment closer to the school
than our home is. But the University of Pennsylvania Law School is the only
institution where I can get a top-quality legal education without tearing up the roots
we have worked hard to put down during our years in Dover and also avoid putting
the family in debt far beyond just the cost of law school. I am truly lucky, therefore,
that Penn Law is also the school I am most excited about attending. In fact, if
admitted, I wouldn’t even sue if I were to somehow fall through the floor of a lecture
hall during one of Professor Feldman’s Torts classes.
Why Michigan?
1. Law in the Casbah
I am applying to the University of Michigan Law School for both academic and
personal reasons. First, Michigan offers academic programs that few other law
schools have. I plan to pursue a JD/MA with Middle Eastern and North African
Studies. Michigan’s program in this field is simply unparalleled. In addition, due to
my work with my non-profit organization as well as my own personal experiences, I
am interested in studying sexual harassment law in an international setting. There
are few legal scholars with an expertise on the rights of sexual assault or
harassment victims in a global setting, and fewer still with the knowledge of
Catherine MacKinnon. I believe the ability to study with Professor MacKinnon would
be an exceptional opportunity to further both my academic and career goals.
I also have personal reasons for my application to the University of Michigan. I am
originally from the Midwest, and I would prefer to stay in the region for law school.
Moreover, I took the opportunity to visit the law school’s campus and I was
thoroughly impressed not only by the quality of students I encountered, but also by
the collegiality I saw in the student body. I found the University of Michigan to be a
place where brilliant, motivated students pushed themselves to succeed and
wanted to see their classmates thrive as well. This is the type of law school
environment I hope to experience.
Beyond the opportunities the University of Michigan offers to me, I believe I would
add a unique and welcome voice to the school. I had the opportunity to live, work,
and study in multiple countries, including Morocco, Jordan, Tanzania, and Korea.
Few people take or have such opportunities, and seldom do such people come
from rural Iowa. I believe my unique experiences and background would greatly
contribute to the diversity of the law school.
2. Taxi!
Having spent the majority of my life in New York City, I am the shameful owner of a
state identification card that states in bold capital print: non-driver. As such,
accessibility and public transportation are important factors for me in deciding
where to attend law school. After speaking with several alumni and a current
sociology professor at the University of Michigan, I feel that Ann Arbor is a happy
median between being stranded on campus and the bustle of an overcrowded city.
Location is only one of several reasons why the University of Michigan Law School
is my top choice.
In regards to academics, the Child Advocacy Law Clinic and the Children's Rights
Appellate Practice course are of particular interest. The clinic and appellate practice
course offer amazing opportunities to gain experience in litigation and even more so
the chance to impact a child's life. My interest in child advocacy was piqued during
a Child and Family Studies course called Violence in the Family at Stony Brook
University; it was taught by a former child advocate. My own history with a less than
ideal upbringing also lends to my attraction to the clinic. I believe that my
experiences allow me to sympathize and relate with a diverse population, qualities
that make me a suitable candidate for the clinic.
There of course the usual reasons why I would like to attend the University of
Michigan Law School, such as the impressive history, architectural beauty, and
collegial environment. However, it was the summer start program and dual degree
option in social work that proved to be the tipping point in my decision to apply as
an early decision applicant. The summer start program allows flexible first year
class scheduling, the opportunity to take several electives, and time to settle into
Ann Arbor. As for the dual degree option in social work, it was refreshing to find that
simultaneous acceptance to the master's program in social work and law school is
not necessary.
Appendix C: Yale 250s
Published November 2009
Everyone who applies to Yale Law School must write, in addition to a personal
statement, what is affectionately known as the Yale 250. This is a completely openended short essay (250 words, obviously) on any topic of the applicant’s choice. It
sounds easy. It can become terrifying. If you decide to apply to Yale, have fun with
it, but do treat this sucker to your best writing treatment. With this requirement, the
committee wants to see that you are an excellent writer. Try to get some sort of
powerful imagery or clever literary device in your Yale 250. Don’t be too
experimental or abstract unless you actually have won a writing award. Simple
clarity with some sort of profound thrust is the best target to aim for here. Witty
humor is also great, if you can pull it off. Below is a collection of six very good
examples of Yale 250s, in no particular order of success. The first essay includes
some comments about why it succeeds, but the other short essays are presented
on their own, to be enjoyed, or savored, or laughed at, or learned from.
1. Porgy and Bess
I leaned forward. The old woman beside me seemed entranced. We were at the
Los Angeles Opera for George Gershwin's Porgy and Bess and had just heard
"Summertime."
Porgy and Bess is a distinctly American opera—the story of an African-American
working-class couple, set to American music idioms synthesized with European
orchestral techniques. Its memorable arias and duets have escaped the confines of
the opera house and entered the realm of popular music as irresistible tunes—often
in hybrid form—that endear themselves to a public indifferent to classical music.
I expected the virtually all-black cast because of Gershwin's daring stipulation to
hire only black principals. But given the paucity of non-white operagoers, I did not
envision an audience that would mirror America's diversity. I surveyed the sea of
black, brown, yellow, and white faces—many likely attending their first opera—and
felt hopeful and proud.
The de facto segregation plaguing America softened that evening. Unlike many
movies and plays depicting the African-American experience, Porgy and Bess drew
a multiethnic crowd. America's finest black opera singers attained critical visibility in
a domain that rarely receives them. Perhaps the soprano singing "I Loves You,
Porgy" inspired the young black woman mouthing its words to someday perform
them. Perhaps the haunting beauty of "Summertime" reminded the white woman
beside me of the first time she heard the music—and first saw her place in our
kaleidoscope of colors. I know that I, for the first time, felt I belonged at the opera.
Commentary 1: Porgy and Bess
This Yale 250 beautifully puts the reader in the shoes of an African American
attending Gershwin’s opera Porgy and Bess. The sensory details are lush, and one
could almost hear the singing: “Your daddy’s rich, and your mamma’s good looking,
so hush little baby, don’t you cry.” This is a narrative about finding oneself in artistic
representations of—sometimes painful—history, and sharing that experience with
others. We learn that the author has always loved the opera art form, but now she
finds another side of her kaleidoscopic self there—she shares the opera not only as
an orchestral and vocal music lover, but also as a black woman. This essay
releases a profound, encapsulated moment of awakening about art, life,
compassion, and openness for others to share.
2. Violin Maker
He sat close on my right but seemed unaware of my presence. Etudes, sonatas,
and suites ran together, each piece unimportant when compared to the sound of
him playing. And this wooden box—for months my solitary obsession—was
finished.
It was my first cello—the first instrument I made but could not play.
Building cellos is hard. Violins can be difficult, but are never so brutish and physical
as the excavation of a cello. Carving a violin is fastidious and constricting. The
stature of a cello, however, makes even the most delicate task feel expansive.
Simple size yields a human presence: the work, which feels like collaboration, must
be done on the cello’s terms.
But the change I felt confronting this cello as a violinist overwhelmed differences in
construction.
The violins I had built and played for years were a collective project of inquiry—an
introspective journey toward an elusive sonic ideal. Continual adaptation made
them an expression of my playing, which had become so rooted in these fiddles
that the once distinct acts of making and playing were inseparable.
This cellist discovered sounds in my work I could not predict or explore. By ending
my conceit of complete understanding and vertical integration, he helped me
appreciate my cello as a singular work rather than dismiss it, as I would a violin, as
an inadequate manifestation of an ideal. He reminded me that all my instruments
are tools for musicians; it is what they make with them that matters.
3. Bighead
I have an abnormally large head. It has been that way since birth – just ask my
mother. In home videos, I can be seen futilely trying to balance my head on my
neck, only to have it tip forward or backward. When I was nine, it got stuck under
the bed while I was trying to retrieve a Lego. My parents told me I would eventually
grow into it, but I am still waiting.
Though balance is no longer an issue, other problems have arisen. Whenever I do
something that requires entry into a small space, I have to mentally check its size
against the dimensions of my head. Putting on shirts stretches their collars, while
removing them requires body contortions that would put a “sixteen”-year-old
Olympic gymnast to shame. I steer clear of sunglasses - put a pair on a watermelon
and you will see why. The same goes for hats. “One size fits all” excludes “gigantic.”
In high school, I was forced to either remove padding from my football helmet or get
one custom made. And, as if to drive the point home, I was given nicknames such
as “Mr. Potato Head,” “Bobblehead,” and the beautifully blunt “Bighead.”
But alas, my head is a part of who I am. It helps to make me unique and stand head
and shoulders - mostly head - above the crowd. While I have learned to embrace it,
I know that it may be impossible for others to do the same.
4. The Buildings of Stories
Cross disciplinary methods of research are vital to promoting intellectual curiosity
and
developing new and creative techniques for addressing familiar problems.
Interdisciplinary studies contributed to my double major in English and architectural
theory. While completing my undergraduate degrees, I sought connections between
the two fields, examining the sense of place and fictional architecture created by
authors such as Margaret Atwood and William Faulkner, who used interactions with
architecture to reveal characters’ understandings of the world. By bringing broad
human themes down to the basic level of the spaces characters inhabit, these
authors grounded their epic messages in the everyday and presented stories that
were both grandly heroic and fundamentally relevant. Throughout my research, I
applied architectural theory to literature and combined my knowledge of
architectural symbolism with fictional
descriptions of place, thus adding another layer of meaning to the worlds created
by authors. This merging of an interdisciplinary approach with traditional theoretical
devices helped me move beyond typical literary analysis.
The value of interdisciplinary studies also extends to the law, which requires sharp
perception, insightful analysis, and inspired synthesis: trademarks of admirable
academic pursuits. Legal scholars illuminate areas such as medicine, gender
issues, and the arts by examining those disciplines through the lens of the law.
Because legal reasoning informs many of society’s most pressing concerns, legal
scholars include the brightest and most discerning intellectuals in our society. By
combining my interdisciplinary background with an education from Yale Law
School, I hope that I might join those esteemed scholars.
5. Multiple Heritages
“This is Flan. It’s a pastry from Peru. My family eats it all the time,” I told my fourth
grade elementary school class.
At age nine, I treated my ethnic heritages—I’m the son of a Hispanic mother and an
Arab father—as objects on a shelf, to be taken down or put back when needed.
“I’m proud to be a descendant of the Incas, and to also call the cradle of civilization
—the Middle East—home,” I told my friend’s Indian father, who, in view of my dark
skin color and thick, black hair, was convinced I was also Indian.
At age sixteen, my background, it seemed to me, would only sit well with others if
treated as thought-provoking intellectual fodder – so I spent my time talking about
history, religion, and politics.
“I grew up watching Spanish soap operas with my grandmother, but also attending
Muslim Sunday School. I feel blessed to come from such a rare background,” I
explained to a houseguest over dinner.
At age twenty-three, my non-conformist passions run wild, and I seek to
differentiate myself in whatever way possible. The embrace of my background is a
means to that end, rather than an end in itself.
“My parents were more similar than they were different. They also shared values—
hard work, honesty, humility, and compassion,” I told my grandchildren while
looking at photos of my parents.
At age sixty-five, I view my parents as, above all, human beings. Fundamentally,
we’re all just people. No?
6. Volunteer Work
The sticky sweet splatter of saliva hit my face and I smiled – in part because my
mouth and eyes were spared, but mostly because spitting was huge for Eddie. We
were making progress.
Feeling the buckle of my shoe digging into his writhing calf, I shifted my weight. I
freed a hand, pinning his head to the floor, discouraging his unsavory method of
communication. The carpet absorbed his remaining projectiles, adding to the
distinctive smell of group home - stifled and stale, boredom blended with frustration,
sweat, and despair, all marinated in Pine Sol.
Eventually his anger softened. My grip loosened as his rage drained. Finally
headed off to bed, he smiled slightly. In that moment I saw the original Eddie – not
yet a victim turned predator.
Previously I knew only Eddie’s fun and feisty image. Unable to identify the mint
extract beneath the chocolate in his cupcake, he accused me of poisoning him.
Outraged by my suggestion to “do over” a disputed basketball play, Eddie
convinced me that indecision was the only wrong call.
Later I saw Eddie, future felon. Squirming across from a mother who feared him
and the little sister he violated, Eddie was terrified by what he had done. Shamed
and ashamed, he was so alone.
In an environment where hugs were no longer appropriate and bedtime stories
were not feasible, physical restraints, however uncomfortable, were the only way to
be touched at all. Only after leaving [Group Home] did I realize I had been touched
too.
Appendix D: Ending on a Good Note
Published November 2009
Application Addendum
An addendum is a document that you can choose to include in your law school
application, and is most effectively used to put forth legitimate reasons for a
weakness in the application. The document should be clear and concise, from just
one to three paragraphs in length, and clearly labeled ADDENDUM. A useful way to
look at an addendum is as an opportunity to explain any major chinks in your armor
as an applicant, whereas the personal statement should be treated as an
opportunity to focus on your strengths. If any weaknesses are mentioned in the
personal statement, they should be portrayed as obstacles that were overcome and
helped to pave a path to growth and experience.
If you think that a member of an admissions committee would benefit from an
explanation regarding a particular part of your application, an addendum
addressing the issue would be appropriate. For example, if there is one markedly
poor semester of grades on your otherwise solid undergraduate transcript,
admissions officers would most likely wonder about the lapse in academic
performance, and an addendum would be useful in putting forth any legitimate
reasons that led to the poor grades of that semester.
The following issues are also appropriate topics for an addendum:
•
An LSAT score that does not accurately reflect your law school potential
•
An exceptionally poor grade in a particular course
•
An overall GPA that is not indicative of your true abilities
•
A long gap in your college attendance (not a summer semester)
Explanation of a poor LSAT score is one of the most common uses of an
addendum, but a low score should not automatically lead you to write an addendum
regarding the issue. You should consider writing an addendum about a low score
only if you are able to demonstrate prior academic excellence despite low
standardized test scores. For example, if you scored a 1000 on your SAT, but were
able to graduate with a GPA of 3.90, the SAT was obviously a poor predictor of your
college performance, and there would be reason to believe that the LSAT might be
a poor predictor of your law school performance. In such a case, you should include
an official copy of your SAT or ACT score, along with an addendum discussing prior
poor standardized test scores and excellent academic performance.
Explanation of a low GPA is another frequent use of an addendum. Addenda of this
sort are most convincing if there was a particular semester or year in which your
grades were much lower than usual, coinciding with a death in the family or a
severe injury or accident. Also, if you believe that your overall GPA was not as high
as it could have been due to financial circumstances, such as the necessity of your
full-time employment throughout your college career, an addendum could be useful.
For students with a noticeable upward grade trend, Dean Victoria Ortiz of UC Irvine
recommends students “append a statement explaining the circumstances of the
weaker early performance and what allowed for the upward trend.” For those with
high grades earned under incredibly adverse circumstances, Dean Ortiz
recommends considering an addendum that points out “how remarkable it is that
even under such circumstances [the student] was able to maintain or achieve
strong numbers.” Technically speaking, your addendum could be about anything
you want the admissions committee to know about you that you couldn’t fit in
anywhere else in the application. As Dean Edward Tom of UC Berkeley Boalt Hall
explains, “you can send an addendum, one or two paragraphs on a separate page,
dedicated to any particular talking points desired.” Conventionally, however,
addenda are reserved for explaining less-than-ideal performances.
If a weakness of your application cannot be explained by any legitimate reason, you
will probably be better off not writing an addendum, as admissions officers would
most likely be turned off by an addendum centered on excuses. Also, you should
never feel the need to write an addendum if there is not some glaring weakness in
your application. Keep in mind that most applicants don’t include any addenda in
their applications.
Most people won’t need to write an addendum, in which case their personal
statement will end their application (so make the personal statement a good note to
end on!). Those who need to explain something sub-par on their application, should
be brief, to the point, claiming responsibility, and then be done with it. Dean Sarah
Zearfoss of the University of Michigan advises students not to make a mountain of
a molehill in an addendum:
People can take what is a nothing situation in my point of view and transform it into
a cause for concern by being very defensive—sort of combative about it. What I’m
looking to see is that you take responsibility for it—that’s all I care about. You need
to be able to get yourself in a place where you can say ‘I take responsibility, I
realize that was against the rules’ or ‘I was foolhardy’ or something along those
lines; that’s the smart way to deal with it. Or at least be completely dispassionate
about it. But don’t say things like ‘I was set up’ or ‘this is an unjust law’ or things like
that. That’s just not the kind of attitude that speaks well of you.
If you write an addendum, remember it will be the last impression the committee
members will have of you. Most importantly, be mature and responsible, as you
should be throughout your application.
Letter of Diversity
“Diversity” encompasses a number of disparate fields. What is most important to
remember is that the admissions committee wants to build as diverse a class as
possible: economically, socially, geographically, disability-wise, politically,
religiously, ethnically, experientially—you get the idea. But when and where should
an applicant include information about their background, ethnicity, sexual
preference, etc.? Dean Edward Tom of UC Berkeley Boalt Hall explains,
That’s up to the applicant, whether or not they want to share that, but we welcome
any kind of that information, especially if the applicant believes that it contributed to
who they are. And there’s no formal recommended place to include it. It could be in
the addendum or as a separate statement. Race, ethnicity, and sex are not
considered in the review process though.
“Diversity” is as diverse as the word itself suggests, and applicants are free to
include a brief statement about what gives them an original, uncommon
perspective. “Some diversity can be described as ethnic, racial, national, or
religious—in other words, identity diversity,” explains Dean Victoria Ortiz. “There is
also geographic diversity, political diversity, age diversity, gender identity diversity,
and sexual orientation diversity, among others. The diversity statement is a chance
for the applicant to show us what is unique about him or her.”
While an admissions committee wants to build a very diverse class, many
committees are prohibited by law from giving a student any special admission
advantage based on race, ethnicity, or sex. This means that students with roughly
the same academic performance compete based on the diversity they can bring to
the entering class. Since affirmative action mandates (like those once in effect at
the University of Michigan and UC Berkeley) are prohibited, many of the top law
schools now compete for the top African American and Latino/Latina candidates.
The law school admissions committees cannot explicitly use different admissions
formulas, but they can value any diversity one may bring to their class. If you
choose to include a separate diversity statement, consider what is rare within you
or what you have achieved that is rare among individuals that sets you apart from
candidates with similar test scores and GPA.
Below are several examples of successful diversity statements:
1. Proud Latino Heritage
“Why aren’t we going with papí?,” I asked my mother. I was six years old, and I
could not grasp why we were staying behind while my father was redeployed to
Germany. My mother, concealing that my father wanted a divorce, pacified my
curiosity, even if not answering my question, by saying, “He'll be back in a few
months.” But months became years as I awaited his return. When he shipped out,
we packed our belongings into a U-haul and set off on our own journey from Texas
to my grandparents’ home in California. This became a familiar scene as we moved
from city to city throughout my childhood and adolescence.
My journeys began when my parents and grandparents migrated to the United
States from Mexico. Like thousands before them, they came seeking a better life for
themselves and their children. As is often the case with immigrants, the only jobs
available to them were the most menial and physically demanding. They became
laborers in vineyards, orchards, and fields – jobs they worked with dignity and
pride. (I recall going to work with my grandmother “a la pisca,” i.e. grape picking, as
a child.) Owing to a strong work ethic, they kept food on the table and a roof
overhead, although they later lost their home. I was born into these trying
conditions, as the first of five children, the summer after my father’s high school
graduation. Although my parents later married, the difficult circumstances doomed
the relationship. From these experiences I learned, early in life, that the world could
be as unforgiving as it was gracious.
Separated from my father by the military and divorce, I was raised by a single
mother in the San Joaquin Valley, one of the most economically depressed regions
in the U.S. Growing up in an enclave of Mexican field workers, an environment
bereft of human and social capital, did not aid my intellectual development, but I
was still an excellent student. When friends and family turned to self-destructive
behavior, I found refuge from my troubled home in education. My academic
success, however, was not due to superiority, moral or otherwise, but to
inquisitiveness. From a young age I asked questions, but I was rarely satisfied with
the answers. I recall giving Sunday school teachers fits with difficult questions to
which they rarely had plausible explanations. My dissatisfaction with intellectual
complacency spurred my search after answers and truth. After doing well at my
crowded public high school, I wanted to further my education. However, since I
knew almost nothing about college admissions, I only applied to Fresno Pacific
University. Fortunately, I was admitted and given one of two full-tuition merit
scholarships offered that year. It was an opportunity of a lifetime never before
available to anyone in my family. I was on my way to Fresno.
At FPU, inspired by Dr. Rawls’ energy and passion, I plunged into the Ancient
World, at one point studying Latin, Greek, and Hebrew in the same semester. Amid
academic success, problems at home placed obstacles in my path. My mother was
medically retired and declared disabled from her position at the state prison after
sustaining debilitating injuries to both arms and wrists. She also went through two
bouts with cancer. Needless to say, times were stressful. But while helping her
recover, I continued my search after truth. By my senior year, I wanted to continue
my theological education because of a growing interest in the role of religion in
public life. After applying to several graduate programs, I eventually decided to
attend Princeton Seminary. My next journey led me to the east coast.
I remember my first trip to Princeton vividly. It was a Sunday morning filled with a
unique sense of excitement and sadness. I had loaded all of my belongings, mostly
books and a few guitars, into my small Honda Civic the night before and was ready
to drive out to New Jersey at sunrise. I had never driven out of state, much less
visited Princeton, but undeterred, I embarked on my cross-country road trip. As I set
out, my mother loaded the family into the minivan and accompanied me on the
road. She had trouble letting go and wanted to follow as far as she could. Seventy
miles later it was time for her to turn back. Again we said our goodbyes, and with
tears in our eyes, I headed east.
At Princeton, I studied the ethical, social, and political implications of religion with
Dr. Bowlin, and race, politics, and public policy at the Woodrow Wilson School and
in the Politics Department with Dr. Abalos. Outside of the classroom, I developed
leadership skills as moderator of the Latino student organization through which I
helped organize a conference on religion, race, and immigration – the first of its
kind at the seminary. I was also chosen by the seminary's administration to lead the
campus deacons, an RA-like position, based on my performance as a deacon the
previous year under difficult circumstances.
While in law school I would like to continue studying religion and race from a legal
perspective, and later use my legal and theological educations by working on
issues that intersect religion, race, and law, both as a lawyer and law professor. I
am especially interested in human rights and immigration law because these areas
of law address issues that will continue to be among the most pressing of a
globalized 21st century. Given my background and education, I will be attentive to
how religion and race influence legal discourse and vice-versa, thereby adding to
the intellectual, as well as, social and cultural diversity of the incoming class.
2. Garment Factory to British Marshall Finalist (This applicant received
admission to Stanford Law School with a 3.96 GPA from Fordham University and a
161/168 LSAT score.)
As the first-born in a poor immigrant family, I was forced to mature quickly. While
other kids were at daycare or in the park, I spent my childhood wandering the
garment factory where my parents worked. When I asked my father why he brought
me to the factory, he told me it was so I would never take my education for granted.
Even though I knew the real reason was because my parents could not afford
daycare, the message stuck—education was salvation.
As the first in my family to attend college, my parents wanted me to apply to the
best schools available. Unfortunately, I knew location and money would take
precedence. My mother had recently become unemployed when the factory she
worked for closed because of 9-11. I knew leaving for college would have crippled
them financially and emotionally. Fortunately, with the aid of scholarships and
grants, I was able to attend Fordham University and live at home with my family. By
working throughout high school and college, I have been able to fully pay my tuition
while helping my family with their bills.
Economist Steven Levitt and New York Times journalist Stephen J. Dubner argue
that the single most influential external factor to test scores is: highly educated
parents who speak English in the home and who are involved in the Parent Teacher
Association (PTA). My parents never completed grade school in China, nor did they
speak any English at home. Although they would have wanted to, it is precisely
these reasons that they could not participate in my academic life, much less in the
PTA.
But it is because of these factors, and not in spite of them, that I will graduate
college in the top of my class and be the first Fordham student in four years to be
nominated as a British Marshall finalist. In response to Mr. Levitt and Mr. Dubner, I
improved my LSAT score from the 36th percentile to the 96th percentile on my own,
using hand-me-down materials from charitable friends. For all these reasons, I am
motivated to make a positive impact in the immigrant communities I will serve
because I understand how much can be achieved with just a little opportunity. I
know what it is like to come from nothing, and I believe that my social-economic
background will only empower me to better serve as an immigration advocate.
3. Swimming Lessons (This applicant received admission to everywhere she
applied, including NYU, Berkeley, Michigan, Duke, & Cornell with a 3.92 GPA and
168 LSAT score.)
Clutching my towel around my shoulders, I stepped onto the tile floor and looked
around for a familiar face. Not recognizing anyone, I sat alone on the bench and
waited. As my future teammates began arriving in their rubber swim caps, tinted
goggles, and new Speedo suits, I looked down at my own blue rags and wished
that I had stayed home. With no cap and no goggles, my first day of practice was a
struggle to wipe my hair out of my face and see where I was swimming. I was
embarrassed. Not only did I fail to bring the right gear, but I was by far the slowest
person on the team. When practice was over, I wanted to hide under a rock and
forget that I had ever considered joining the swim team. Although a part of me
contemplated quitting then and there, I reflected upon the obstacles that my parents
faced in immigrating to the United States and realized that I could not give up my
goals at the first sign of adversity. The next day, I showed up at practice with a
newfound determination and began my high school swimming career.
For me, excelling in the classroom was easy; it was finding a niche outside of it that
proved difficult. Among the Chinese immigrant community, academic excellence
was the standard and athleticism was the exception. Swimming quickly became my
biggest challenge, and from it yielded my biggest successes. For four years, the
pool was the site of my personal struggle to overcome an upbringing too poor or
perhaps too different to encourage sports and a stereotype that continually
discounted my accomplishments. In the end I proved that dedication and discipline
can achieve the impossible. My proudest moment was winning the “Most Valuable
Swimmer” award and remembering how far I had progressed since that first day at
the pool.
From the lessons of my high school swimming pool, I discovered that the highest
level of satisfaction is achieved when struggle meets accomplishment. For my
parents, that meant overcoming political persecution and economic hardship before
finally earning the opportunity to attend college and eventually move to the United
States. My own journey set me in search of an identity that seemed torn between
my status as a first-generation immigrant and my desire to develop independently
of that fact. In the pool, no one cared about the language that I spoke or the shape
of my face – all that mattered was the number next to my name. Swimming taught
me that it is not where I start but rather where I finish that truly makes me who I am.
With this attitude, I know that I will embrace the challenges of law school and
develop a meaningful legal career.
Appendix E: Letters of Recommendation
With special thanks to Kimberly Chin. Published November 2009
An important element of the law school admissions process is securing letters of
recommendation. Many schools, such as U.C. Berkeley Boalt Hall School of Law
view your personal statement and letters of recommendation as a combined 1/3 of
your application, equal in value to the critical components of GPA and LSAT. Letters
of recommendation provide law schools with a candid assessment of your abilities,
and a good letter of recommendation can expand upon or reveal aspects of
yourself that may not be otherwise apparent in your application. A strong letter of
recommendation can improve your chances of admittance; however, it cannot make
up for any serious weaknesses in your record. Although you may at first feel as
though you cannot control the recommendation letters component of the application
because you are not writing the letters, you can strategically maximize the positive
impact that letters of recommendation will have. The purpose of the
recommendation letter, as Dean Jeanette Leach of Santa Clara explains, is to
provide “a testament to your academic abilities, and show that you participate in
class, and are dedicated to projects.”
The best letters of recommendation are long (2-3 pages), glowing, detailed
accolades from a university professor who knows a student well, has the highest
regard for his or her intellectual capabilities, and praises the student as “one of the
best students I’ve seen in my long career.” These are the kind of letters that make
admissions committee members’ eyes pop and set their hearts racing with
excitement. Short of this ideal, recommendations that positively discuss your
intellectual abilities, course load or work product in comparison to other students or
coworkers (“She is best student I had in the class” or “He took the most difficult
courses in the department”) weigh heavily with admissions officers. In addition,
letters that can comment in specific details on your character and goals in addition
to your intellectual strengths are very beneficial.
Because letters of recommendation require you to work and coordinate with your
recommender, you must plan ahead. Give yourself enough time to prepare the
required materials, including a copy of your resume and personal statement, if
possible. Give your recommender plenty of time, so that he or she will write the
best letter possible. Prepare during the summer in anticipation of approaching your
recommenders in late August or early September, before school or work gets too
hectic.
Before you request your letters of recommendation, familiarize yourself with the
Letter of Recommendation Service on the Law School Admission Council (“LSAC”)
website (www.lsac.org). This service is extremely useful since it requires that your
recommenders submit only one letter of recommendation to the Law School Data
Assembly Service (“LSDAS”), who will then send it with your LSAT score report to
all the law schools to which you apply.
The LSDAS divides your letters of recommendation into two types: general and
targeted. General letters are those intended for any and all law schools to which
you apply, while targeted letters are written specifically for certain law schools or a
particular program common to several law schools (i.e. Environmental Law
program). LSDAS allows you to submit up to four general letters of
recommendation and an unlimited number of targeted letters. You can also direct
general and targeted letters of recommendation to specific schools so that each
school will receive only the letters you want them to read. The LSAC web site has
more information on directing your letters of recommendation.
LSDAS has a standard form that you must submit to ensure proper processing of
your recommendation letters. You fill out the form online, print it out, sign it and give
it to your recommender. If you choose to use the Letter of Recommendation
Service, this form must be submitted with your letter of recommendation in order for
LSDAS to process the recommendation. Once your letter of recommendation has
been sent to LSAC with the letter of recommendation form, it typically takes
anywhere from a couple of days to a week for your letter of recommendation to
appear in your LSDAS account. You will receive an email confirmation when LSAC
has successfully processed and uploaded your recommendation to your account.
Requirements for Letters of Recommendation
The majority of law schools require letters of recommendation, but the required
number of recommendations often varies from school to school. Many law schools
require two recommendations but accept up to four. You should check each
school’s application for their individual requirements. Dean Edward Tom of UC
Berkeley Boalt Hall teases overachievers, “3 letters of recommendation are ok,
even 4 is fine, however 5 is probably pushing it.”
Law schools strongly prefer letters of recommendation from faculty members at
your undergraduate institution because these are usually the people best able to
comment on your intellectual and academic qualifications. If you are currently an
undergraduate or are a recent graduate, your first two letters of recommendation
should be from instructors. A recommendation from an employer or internship
supervisor can be a valuable third or fourth recommendation. For applicants who
have been out of school for several years, an academic recommendation may be
hard to obtain, but it is best to have at least one. In this instance, a letter from an
employer would be a satisfactory second recommendation. As Dean Leach of
Santa Clara explains, “If you have been out of school for a number of years, having
a letter from an employer is ok. It should attest to your abilities and your work ethic.”
Letters of recommendation should be written on letterhead and signed by your
recommender. If they are returned to you before being submitted to the law school
or LSAC, the recommender should return the letter to you in an envelope and sign
across the seal.
Selecting a Good Recommender
When considering possible recommenders, think about the classes you took and
your performance in those classes. A letter from the professor who taught your
elective photography class is less valuable than a letter from an upper-level class in
your major. Recommendations from professors who taught you in seminars or small
lecture classes are best because those professors were able to observe you in a
smaller academic environment. Professors who taught courses with a heavy
emphasis on reading and writing and/or critical thinking and analysis are also ideal,
since admissions committees are looking for evaluations of your intellectual
qualifications as well as your writing and oral communication skills. The best and
most thorough letters of recommendation will generally come from professors who
mentored you during an independent study or thesis project.
Ideally, your letters of recommendation should come from professors who taught
classes in which you excelled, who know you personally, and who have had ample
opportunity to evaluate you. If you are currently in college, work to cultivate that
type of relationship: participate in class discussions, go to office hours, do an
independent study with the professor you respect, invite your professor out to
coffee to talk about your goals, etc. If you mention a particular professor or dean in
your personal statement, try to have that person write a letter for you that
corroborates the claim(s) you make in the personal statement. If you attend a large
university and are not able to cultivate a relationship with any of your professors,
consider cultivating one with a T.A. or lecturer who has worked closely with you.
Dean Ed Tom states, “It would be better to get a letter from a teaching assistant
who knows you very well than a professor who does not.” If you do not plan on
applying to law schools right after college, be sure to keep in touch with one or two
of your professors. Send them updates on what you have been doing since
graduation, and be sure to drop by and say hello if you ever go back to campus.
The key is to stand out and be memorable (in a good way!).
Overall, you want your recommenders to be professionals who can write strong,
detailed and enthusiastic letters in support of your application. The rank or fame of
your recommender matters less, and can, in some cases, leave a bad impression.
Do not submit a cursory letter from a famous judge or senator instead of a
substantial letter from a professor. Law schools are not as interested in your
connections as much as they are interested in knowing about your academic
strengths and abilities. The best letters of recommendation come from those who
know you well, not those who are known well. As Ed Tom, Dean of Admissions at
U.C. Berkeley Boalt Hall School of Law states, “[l]etters from famous people whom
you met once, friends of the family, or a judge for whom you babysat are not
helpful.” Jeanette Leach, Dean of Admissions at Santa Clara University Law School
concurs. She states “we are looking for letters written by people who know you
fairly well. We will be more impressed by a letter from someone who knows you
really well than a letter from a famous person who does not really know you at all.”
Dean Leach explains, “For example, if you worked for the Governor, but he does
not know you, a letter from him will not take you very far. However, if the Governor’s
assistant knows you quite well, then get him to write you a letter.” Dean Leach also
cautions against lukewarm recommendations:
The next worst thing from getting a letter from someone who does not know you at
all is getting a letter from someone who says that you have a lot of potential, but
that you haven’t realized it yet. We want students to know who they are asking for
letters of recommendation. When we get a poor recommendation, it reflects badly
not only [on] the student’s record; it also calls into question the student’s judgment
in asking this person for a letter.
Requesting Your Letter of Recommendation
Once you have identified your recommenders (be sure to identify more
recommenders than you need, allowing for the possibility that one may decline your
request), preferably meet with them in person to request your letter of
recommendation. If meeting in person is geographically impossible, an email or
phone call will suffice. Be prepared to tell your recommender why you are applying
to law school, why you would make a good law student, and why you want them to
write the recommendation. Do not be afraid to ask whether they think they will be
able to provide you with a strong recommendation. If your recommender expresses
hesitation, move on. Since you will not see the finished letter (you should definitely
waive your right to view the letter), you want to be sure that you will receive a
glowing recommendation. Remember, you want a letter of recommendation that is
positive and enthusiastic.
If your professor or employer agrees to write the recommendation, provide him or
her with the following documents:
•
a copy of your transcript
•
a copy of your resume
•
a copy of you personal statement (if written)
•
copies of past work from his or her class (preferably with comments and/or
grade)
•
a signed LSAC letter of recommendation form (if you are using their service)
•
any institutional forms that need to be filled out
•
a stamped, addressed envelope
These documents will help your recommender craft a good letter of
recommendation by reminding him or her of your past accomplishments. You may
also want to include in a written format your reasons for attending law school and
why you have chosen this person to write the recommendation, just in case the
letter is written long after your meeting.
During your meeting, you should review the process and requirements for
submitting letters of recommendation to LSAC with your recommender and
negotiate a deadline for writing the recommendation. Since professors and
employers are busy people, allow at least three to four weeks for your
recommendation to be completed. Be sure to tell your recommender that you would
like to be notified when they send in your letter of recommendation. That way, you
can follow up with your recommender appropriately. As the deadline you’ve set
approaches, send your recommender a friendly email or two reminding him or her
of the deadline. Your recommenders will appreciate this enormously. Do not feel
that this is a bother to them (but also don’t be pushy, needy or send emails every
day). A reminder can be a simple email, as follows:
Dear Professor Smith,
Since date X is quickly approaching, this is just a reminder to please complete my
letter of recommendation at your earliest convenience.
If you have any questions or need any more information, please do not hesitate to
contact me. Thank you again for agreeing to write this letter.
As with all communication with your recommender, your reminders should be
cordial and professional.
Do Not Draft Your Own Letter of Recommendation
Law schools do not look kindly upon letters of recommendation that have been
drafted by applicants. Admissions officers have stated that they can tell if an
applicant has drafted his or her own letter of recommendation because it either
mimics too closely the applicant’s own writing style or fails to effectively capture the
point of view that a recommender inherently possesses. Professors and employers,
by virtue of their position, have a perspective and a point of evaluation that is nearly
impossible for an applicant to emulate. An applicant cannot completely evaluate
himself objectively in terms of his intellectual ability and most definitely cannot
discuss himself in a comparative manner, a quality found in the best letters of
recommendation. Drafting your own letter of recommendation if a recommender
asks you to is, essentially, consciously choosing to submit a weak letter of
recommendation.
If a recommender requests that you draft a letter for their editing, respectfully
decline and see if the recommender would consider writing one with help from you.
If the recommender agrees, provide him or her with a letter detailing your
qualifications with examples. This way, your recommender can see what should be
included in your recommendation without you actually drafting it. If the
recommender strongly presses for a draft, seriously consider an alternative
recommender.
In some instances, a recommender may ask for a draft because they are unfamiliar
with writing a letter of recommendation for law school. If that is the case, many
college career services can provide guidelines and instructions on how to write law
school letters of recommendation, and there are many excellent books available
that explain how to write a recommendation for law school.
To Waive or Not to Waive
When submitting letters of recommendation, LSAC as well as many law schools’
individual forms give the option of waiving your right to see your letters after they
have been sent to the law schools. Admissions officers strongly favor letters of
recommendation from applicants who have waived their right to see the completed
letter, since the main purpose of a letter of recommendation is to provide a candid
assessment of your abilities. The waiver assures the admissions committee that the
letter is a true, objective evaluation of the applicant and that the applicant has in no
way directly influenced the final recommendation. Do choose to waive your right;
otherwise, you may run the risk of the admissions committee placing little weight on
your letters of recommendation. This does not mean that you cannot be active in
the process of writing your recommendation. For example, the information you
provide a recommender about yourself greatly shapes the content of the letter. In
the end, your recommender should send the final version directly to LSAC or
provide it to you in an envelope with a signature across the seal. Overall, if you
have selected good recommenders, who you know will provide you with strong,
detailed and enthusiastic recommendations, you should not be afraid to sign the
waiver.
To conclude, while others are writing your letters of recommendation, your
preparations and actions can directly affect how well these letters reflect upon you
and can make the difference between being accepted or rejected from the law
school of your choice.
Appendix F: Letters of Continued Interest
With special thanks to Zareef J. N. Ahmed. Published November 2009.
The Official Guide to ABA-Approved Law Schools states:
If you have strong qualifications, but you do not quite meet the competition of those
currently being admitted at a particular law school, you may be placed on a waiting
list for possible admission at a later date. The law school will send you a letter
notifying you of its final decision as early as April or as late as July or even August.
Many schools rank students who are on the waiting list. Some law schools will tell
you your rank. If a law school doesn’t tell you, you might ask the admission office
how many students have been placed on the waiting list.
New College of South Florida suggests that candidates wait-listed at a law school
that interests them should “contact the admissions office [at each of these law
schools] and speak with a member of the professional staff to find out exactly what
this means. Ask the following questions if they are not answered in the letter [that
notified you that you were being wait-listed]”:
•
How long is the waitlist?
•
What percentage of students on the waitlist are ultimately admitted?
•
Are wait-listed students ranked? If so, ask where you are ranked.
•
When are final decisions regarding the waitlist made?
Then, partition the law schools that wait-listed you into two categories:
First, make a list of the schools that are less appealing than one or more law
schools that accepted you. Write these less appealing law schools a letter
indicating that you will be attending another law school. Second, make a list of the
schools that are more appealing than all of the law schools that accepted you.
Notify these more appealing law schools that you are still interested in attending.
This is most often done in a Letter of Continued Interest, sometimes abbreviated as
a LOCI.
Typically, you write a LOCI to a school that has either waitlisted or deferred you
(some schools put you on hold, which is the same as being deferred). In both of
these cases, the school has decided not to admit you after its initial review of your
application. The purpose of the LOCI is to let the school know that you’re still
interested in attending that school. In addition to sending an updated transcript or
letter of recommendation, sending a LOCI allows you to supplement your
application and gives the admissions committee more material about you to help
inform its decision. By the time you are waitlisted or deferred, the school knows that
you have been accepted to other places. They want to know that despite your other
acceptances, you are still interested in their school. If you don’t show your interest,
why would they give you a spot over someone who is dead set on their school?
Some applicants send LOCI’s to schools that they haven’t heard anything from after
their application has been complete for three months. While there is no rule against
doing this, you should think hard before you do it. You don’t want to run the risk of
annoying an admissions committee by sending them unsolicited information before
they reach an initial decision. Additionally, some admission committees will place
your file at the back of the pile if you send any sort of addendum to your application
after submitting it but before they reach a decision. If you’ve been waiting for three
months, you probably don’t want to have your application delayed even more
because you sent a LOCI.
What should I write about in my LOCI?
Talk about why the school is a good match for you. Do some research and look for
a specific program or student organization that is unique to the school that would
help further your career goals. You have to seem sincere, so pick something that is
consistent with what is on your resume or in your personal statement. In addition to
telling the school why you want them, tell them why they should want you. The
school will have a long waitlist full of eager applicants. You need to tell the
admissions committee why it should choose you over everyone else it is
considering.
In addition to showing your continued interest, a LOCI is a great way to sell yourself
a little more. Tell the admissions committee what you have been up to, and let the
school know in the LOCI if you have any significant updates to add your application.
Did you get a promotion? Did you find out that you will graduate with honors? Did
you have an experience that impacted you? Tell them! The important thing to
remember is to only tell the committee members something they didn’t already
know. The committee members don’t want to reread information in your personal
statement or your resume. Dean Jeanette Leach of Santa Clara writes, “If there is
significant new information, such as if you took the February LSAT and did much
better, or have a new quarter or semester of exceptionally improved grades, let us
know. That may improve your standing on the waitlist.” Make sure to include
verification (e.g. a transcript) if necessary.
The best news to include is an accomplishment that substantially impacted other
people in the real world, such as helping a legal team win a significant case, or an
outstanding academic achievement, such as having an article published in a
scholarly journal. You may also let the committee know if you visited their school
and discovered you have specific reasons for wishing to attend their law school that
you did not mention in your personal statement. Dean Sarah Zearfoss of the
University of Michigan encourages waitlisted students to let her know if someone
wants to write a recommendation letter on their behalf.
When waitlisting or deferring you, some schools ask for specific things you can
send them to add to your file. If a school tells you what they want, do it! If the school
requests another essay on a given topic and you want to send a LOCI in addition to
the essay, go for it. The only time you should definitely not send a LOCI is if the
school specifically asks you not to send any additional information.
How long should my LOCI be?
A standard LOCI is kept to one page. Admissions committees obviously have lots of
reading to do, so you don’t want to unnecessarily add to their reading load. If you
do go over one page, make sure that you do not include anything the committee
already knows about you and that you’re not just writing to make the letter longer.
The committee can easily distinguish between a letter telling them what the
applicant thinks they want to hear and a letter with sincere reasons why the
applicant wants to go to their school.
Sometimes the school will give you a page limit on anything you send to them. If
this is the case, treat this limit as strictly as you treated the parameters laid out for
your personal statement.
When should I send my LOCI?
In most cases, you want to send your LOCI as quickly after getting waitlisted/
deferred (especially if you were deferred) as possible. You don’t want to sacrifice
quality for speed so spend some time on the letter but send it off as soon as you
are happy with the finished product.
If you were waitlisted, it’s a good idea to call the admissions office and ask when
they will start reviewing waitlisted applicants. If they tell you they won’t start
reviewing waitlisted files until April or May, you can take your time and send the
LOCI so that it reaches their office by April 1 or May 1. The benefit of waiting until
the deadline is that not only does it give you more time to write the letter but there is
also a chance that something new will happen to you that you can write about. You
can also be proactive and visit the school, sit in a class, and talk to students and
write about the experience in your LOCI.
Who should I send my LOCI to?
Often, in your waitlist or deferral notification, the school will tell you who to send
additional materials to. If that is the case, follow the directions laid out for you. If
there is no mention of who to send additional materials to, send your LOCI to the
person whose name appeared on the notice of waitlist or deferral you received. If
the waitlist or deferral letter had a generic sender (XXX School of Law Admissions
Committee), send your letter to the Dean of Admissions.
How should I send my LOCI?
Assuming the school doesn’t specifically tell you how to send in additional
materials, it is preferable to physically mail your LOCI as opposed to emailing it. By
physically mailing the letter, you know that someone will have to open it and when
they do, they will place it in your file. If you email it, you have to rely on whoever
reads it to print it out and place it in your file. Additionally, emails have a greater
chance of being overlooked than a hard copy letter. The deans and admissions
committees are being flooded with emails around decision time. You want to
eliminate any chance of administrative error and sending a physical letter helps you
do that. A physical letter also takes more time and effort to send than an e-mail and
is a sign that sending the LOCI was important to you.
Other points about LOCI’s
In some cases, you may be waitlisted from a school that you were fairly confident
you would be accepted to based on your LSAT and GPA. Often times, this is a case
of yield protection. All law schools are conscious of their US News & World Report
ranking, and one of the factors in the rankings is a school’s yield (the percentage of
accepted applicants who attend the school). If a school thinks you applied to it as
your safety school and will probably get into higher-ranked schools, they may
waitlist you so that you will not lower their yield. If you are truly interested in that
school, write a solid LOCI, and you have a good shot of being bumped off the
waitlist. In a case like this, the school wants to see whether you truly are interested
in attending the school or if you just applied to it as a safety school and have no
real intention of going if you get into a higher ranked school. A good LOCI will show
them that you are sincerely interested.
Carefully follow whatever directions a school sends you in regards to sending
additional information. If it doesn’t want you to send anything else, don’t write a
LOCI no matter how good or important you think yours is. If it has page limits, a
deadline, or a preferred method of submission for any additional materials, adhere
to its guidelines as closely as you possibly can.
Sample LOCI:
Eager Applicant
Street
City, State, Zip
LSAC#: L12345678
Month, Day, Year
Desirable School of Law
Street
City, State, Zip
Dear Dean of Admissions of Desirable School of Law:
I am writing to reiterate my interest in attending Desirable School of Law. Aside
from being a prestigious law school, the program at Desirable complements my
career goals extremely nicely. Specifically, the [insert certificate program,
professor’s work, academic center, etc.] is something I find exciting because of my
interest in the field of [your favorite field of law] law. Fleshing out this point…
In addition to my interest in [the above mentioned factor], I feel that I will bring a
unique perspective to the Desirable School of Law community. Due to my [relevant
past experience, unique background, etc], I will bring a [something that nobody else
but me has] to the community.
I also wanted to take this opportunity to update my application. Since submitting my
application in the fall, I have [earned a 4.0 last semester, was promoted, was
awarded the Nobel prize]. In addition to that, I [started a volunteer job at the public
defender’s office, was selected by my professor to be a research assistant, found a
cure for baldness].
Desirable School of Law remains one of my top choices. The programs offered fit
neatly with my legal interests, [location of Desirable] is a place I can see myself
living, and the student body at Desirable is one that I will not only learn a great deal
from but also contribute a great deal to. I would be honored to be offered a place in
the Desirable Class of [whatever class you would be a part of].
Thank you very much for your time.
Sincerely,
Eager Applicant
Here are samples of two applicants’ LOCI. Both applicants addressed these letters
to their top choice school. If you are writing a LOCI to a school that is not your top
choice, consider telling them that you are still extremely interested, and if admitted,
you would find their offer hard to pass up.
1. Interest in Juvenile Law
March 27, 2009
[Name], Assistant Dean for Admissions [Name] School of Law
[Address] [Address]
Dear Dean [Name]: Thank you for taking the time to review my application for the
2009-2010 school year, and especially for offering me a place on the waitlist. I am
writing to assure you that, should I be extended an offer from the [name of law
school] waitlist, I will gladly accept the offer and withdraw all of my other pending
applications immediately. As I move to this next stage in my career, I have
absolutely no doubt that [name] is the right law school for me. Since submitting my
application in early January, I have learned from my company director that the 2008
calendar year was the most profitable year in the existence of the [city] branch of
[workplace]. While I am proud to have attained this financial milestone, I am more
pleased with the impact I have been able to have upon the [city] area students; our
enrollment over my four years as program coordinator has increased by more than
70 percent, which means I have been able to positively influence the education of
hundreds of local students.
The potential to have an even greater impact upon [city] area children is exactly
what draws me to [name of law school]. At no other school could I have the
opportunity to learn from Professor X as part of the X Clinic, benefit from Ms. Y’s
experience with the County Juvenile Public Defender’s Office, or perhaps even
apply for a Justice Corps Fellowship with the intent of using it to serve America’s
youth, as two recent Fellowship recipients have done.
From my first visit with [name] in the Admissions Office, to the extensive tour
provided to me by current law second-year student [name], to my most recent
phone conversation with [name], another member of the Admissions Office staff, I
have enjoyed every experience with [name of law school] I have had to date. I look
forward to continuing those positive experiences should I be extended an offer to
join the Class of 2012. Thank you very much for your time. Sincerely,
[applicant’s name]
2. Zebra Law School Letter #1
Dear members of the Admissions Committee:
I am writing to reiterate my interest in becoming a member of Zebra University Law
School’s Class of 2012. While Zebra has been among my top choices since I began
the application process, my interview in the fall with alumna [name] and my recent
trip to [city] to visit the campus has made it clear that Zebra would be a perfect fit
for me and is without question my top choice law school.
During my campus visit last week, I had the opportunity to sit in on Professor Y’s
Law and Social Change course. By chance, the discussion was focused on an area
I am incredibly passionate about: public education. While I have experienced the
topic from many angles—as a policy researcher, volunteer, and in my current full
time job—it was intriguing to engage in the conversation through the entirely new
lens of law. Even more exciting was the impressively high level of classroom
engagement and the unique perspectives offered by the students. Zebra’s
commitment to creating a community of intelligent, motivated students with diverse
backgrounds and experiences was evident in the wide range of ideas and
viewpoints offered in the session. Visiting the class, along with touring the campus
and speaking with current students, reinforced my belief that Zebra would be the
ideal law school for me.
While I know that Zebra has a lot to offer me as a student, I also feel that I would
bring a unique perspective to my class and become a dynamic contributor to the
law school community. In my current job as a strategy consultant, I have worked
with both for-profit businesses and non-profit clients, including those involved in
education and juvenile services. As a student at Zebra, I hope to work with the Z
Center through the school’s Legal Clinic, where I can utilize and hone the skills I’ve
gained through my collegiate and professional experiences in the for-profit, nonprofit, and public sectors.
I also wanted to notify the Admissions Committee of updates to my application.
Since submitting my Early Action application in October, I have earned outstanding
internal reviews from my employer, and in December I learned I am on track for a
promotion to the level of Senior Associate Consultant in the spring.
Thank you for your time and continued consideration. While I have already been
admitted to a number of great law schools, Zebra is absolutely my top choice; if I
am admitted, I will definitely attend. Please let me know if you have any questions
regarding my application, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
[applicant’s name]
3. Zebra Law School Letter #2
Dear members of the Admissions Committee:
As an applicant currently on hold, I am writing to express my continued interest in
Zebra Law and enthusiasm at the prospect of joining the Class of 2012. As I’ve
previously indicated, Zebra remains my top choice school, and if I am admitted I will
definitely attend.
In his 2006 orientation welcome to Zebra Law’s new students, Assistant Dean X
applauded the incredible accomplishments of the Class of 2009. He argued that
what made them special was a combination of strong academic credentials and a
tremendous amount of a ‘certain something else.’ Whether they had spent time
volunteering overseas or worked for a summer as a taxicab driver, each person
brought something distinctive and special to Zebra Law.
The sense of value placed on the ‘something else’ that each student brings to the
law school community is a large part of what has drawn me to Zebra. The wide
variety of collegial activities, volunteer efforts and work experiences of the student
body make Zebra a truly unique place to pursue the study of law. Moreover, student
participation in clinics, journals and independent study is among the highest of any
top law school, highlighting Zebra as a place where students actively pursue
chances to learn experientially and beyond the classroom.
I am confident that as a student at Zebra, I will not only enrich my own learning
through engaging with a diverse group of peers, but also bring my own ‘something
else’ to the Class of 2012. My experiences include working as an equestrian trainer
and horse-movement therapist for children with special needs and as a research
assistant analyzing the impacts of shifting racial policy in post-apartheid South
Africa. If admitted, I may be the only Zebra 1L who is also a fitness competitor and
amateur female bodybuilder, and in my time as a strategic consultant, I’ve helped to
develop new products for a foreign language publisher, restructure the operations
of a fiber-optic cable manufacturer, and devise solutions to increase graduation
rates in some of the largest school districts in the country. My professional and
personal experiences have not only given me an interdisciplinary skill set and a
strong sense of commitment and drive, but also the desire to challenge myself in
every unique pursuit. I have no doubt that if admitted I will become an engaged and
active member of the Zebra Law community and bring a distinctive viewpoint and
set of experiences to the Class of 2012.
Please let me know if you have any questions regarding my application, and thank
you again for your continued time and consideration.
Sincerely,
[applicant’s name]
After You Send a LOCI
Keep in touch with the law schools by email every three to five weeks, making sure
to continue to express your interest in attending. If you lose interest in one or more
of these law schools, write the schools a letter indicating that you will be attending
another law school. Wait-listed applicants may be notified as late as early August,
so be prepared to act on short notice. Send bad news only on demand.
If you are waitlisted at a top school, you should know that relatively few candidates
get in off the waitlist. For example, UC Berkeley Boalt Hall admits 750 applicants,
hoping to get a registered class of 270. The law school takes on average 12
applicants who have been waitlisted; the deepest Boalt has ever gone is 40 names
off the waitlist. Unlike other schools, a LOCI won’t help you at Boalt, since the
waitlist is ranked by the faculty at the time of the decision to waitlist. Cornell, on the
other hand, requires a LOCI to reserve spot on the waiting list, and the admissions
committee interviews everyone on the waitlist.
Appendix G: Considering a Joint Degree
Published November 2009
You should be aware that top law schools offer joint degrees, sometimes called
concurrent degrees or dual degrees. Stanford University, for example, offers its law
school candidates over twenty-seven formal joint degree programs to choose from,
in addition to providing you with resources to customize your own joint degree track
if you choose. A joint degree allows you to explore ideas across disciplines and
merge them into a knowledge base to fit your professional goals. Most often you
will need to apply and be accepted to both degree programs individually. For
example, if you are not enrolled in a graduate program at Stanford and you would
like to obtain a joint JD/MBA, you would need to apply separately to both programs,
mentioning your interest in a joint degree on both applications. If you have already
been accepted to law school, you may later choose to apply for a joint degree. Be
sure to explain your intention to pursue a joint degree, since the two schools will
probably not communicate during the admission process.
Some popular joint degrees include:
•
JD/MBA
•
JD/MA or PhD Economics
•
JD/MA or PhD International Policy Studies
•
JD/MS or PhD Management Science and Engineering
•
JD/MD Medicine
•
JD/PhD Political Science
•
JD/PhD Philosophy
•
JD/PhD Psychology
•
JD/PhD Sociology
•
JD/MPP Public Policy
•
JD/MS Computer Science
•
JD/MEM Environmental Management
•
JD/MCP City and Regional Planning
•
JD/MJ Journalism
•
JD/MPH Public Health
•
JD/MFA Fine Arts
•
JD/MArch Architecture
•
JD/LLM Taxation
•
JD/MA Latin American and Caribbean Studies
Most law schools expect you to complete your joint degree in four years.
Northwestern offers the largest and most integrated joint JD/MBA; the program is
three years and requires only one application and one standardized test (GMAT).
Some top law schools collaborate with another world-class university program to
offer stellar joint degrees. For example, law schools at Stanford, Columbia, and
NYU offer joint JD/MPA degrees with the Woodrow Wilson School of Public and
International Affairs at Princeton University. UC Berkeley Boalt Hall offers a joint JD/
MA with the J.F.K. School of Government at Harvard University. Cornell has a joint
JD/Master en Droit—two years spent studying in the U.S. and two in France—
culminating in credentials to pass the Bar in the U.S. and France. Some students
would like to round out their law degree by spending a semester or a year at
another top law school. UC Berkeley and Harvard, for example, have a crossregistration arrangement. Approximately five students per year at Harvard Law take
their third year UC Berkeley Boalt Hall, and vice versa.
Up to twenty-five percent of law students pursue dual degrees. A joint degree
typically saves a year of coursework. For the JD/MBA and most joint degree
programs, the first year is spent at the law school, the second at the business
school, and the final two years is a mix of courses taken at both schools. There are
positive and negative aspects to pursuing a joint degree. To some employers it
suggests you are multi-dimensional; to others, it suggests you are still exploring
career options. Joint degrees increase your debt, so be sure you provide yourself
with strong evidence for the benefits of having a joint post-graduate degree. If this
option makes sense for your career plans, you find it compelling, and you can
manage the (probably substantial) extra debt, by all means pursue this option. If
you are not sure about filing for a formal joint degree, you will probably be able to
take (or sit in on) a course or two in the department or school you find particularly
exciting. Most top law schools allow you to apply for a joint degree in your second
year of law school.
Acknowledgements: TLS Guide to Personal
Statements
Published November 2009
The authors would like to express their immense gratitude to the applicants, law
students, and lawyers who made this book possible by sharing their personal
statements and their experience with law school admissions. We were helped
enormously by deans willing to share their knowledge and insights into the process
of applying to law school. All of the quotes by deans and admissions officers at
various law schools may be found in interviews exclusive to top-law-schools.com.
We would like to extend our thanks to those who helped write and edit sections of
this book, including Lee Konstantinou, Jolene Hubbs, Kimberly Chin, and Zareef J.
N. Ahmed. Many of the top-law-schools.com forum participants kindly allowed us to
publish their various supplementary materials, including Why Penn? and Why
Michigan? essays, Yale 250s, letters of diversity, and LOCI’s. The authors
familiarized themselves with the more than fifteen books about law school personal
statements currently on the market, as well as related books that are out of print,
and they would like to gratefully acknowledge any unconscious debt to this superb
store of composition advice.