ADHD and Relationships – the
Truth You Need to Know
Andrea M. Darcy
photo by Aline Viana Prado for Pexels
by Andrea M. Darcy
We all know the signs of adult ADHD by now. But somehow ADHD
and relationships and the very serious ways the two interact is less
discussed. Even when the effects of attention deficit disorder on our
romantic, family, social, and work lives can leave many struggling and
lonely.
[Not sure if you have attention deficit or not? Take our free ADHD
quiz.]
How ADHD and relationships interact
They are many ways ADHD can negatively affect the ways you
relate with others. These can mean that if you have ADHD, you
constantly feel judged and rejected. If you are the friend, partner, or
colleague of someone with ADHD, you can be left frustrated,
confused, and upset.
It can help to look at this through the lens of the three key ADHD
symptoms. These are inattention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity.
Inattention in relationships
A key symptom of adult ADHD can mean that our attention is not
one-pointed but scatters everywhere, called ‘inattention’. This can
lead to the following relationship problems.
1.You get bored of romantic relationships and
friendships easily.
The ADHD brain does not tolerate boredom well. ADHD and
relationships can mean that once you move past the exciting
romantic stage into the steady phase, you might find yourself
chomping at the bit. Or, worse, sabotaging all and breaking up.
The same can happen with friendships. The moment someone
starts to be a bit boring or does one thing you don’t like, you stop
making an effort.
Do I have adult ADHD free quiz
In fact you might feel that most (if not all ) relationships are
disappointing. A 2019 research study based on self-reporting
found that adults with ADHD reported lower levels of relationship
satisfaction than those who didn’t have ADHD. And unfortunately
one of the main ways to deal with this was found to be avoidance,
which is an unhealthy coping mechanism.
2. You hyperfocus before you get bored, so others
are left confused or angry.
photo by Tara Winstead for Pexels
One lesser known fact about ADHDers is that it’s not that we
lack focus entirely. It’s that our focus is extreme, one or the other,
non-existent or very intense, known as ‘hyperfocus’. When we want
to, we can be so focused the rest of the world falls away. The main
issue here is that we generally focus on the wrong things, not the
practical things.
And if we hyperfocus on someone we like, they can feel very
special and think we are in love with them. Then, when we get
bored, and as that research study points out perhaps revert to
avoidance, even just dropping that person entirely or cutting
them out? They might be (justifiably) furious.
2. Your lack of attention to detail and organisation
puts you in the dog house.
Non ADHDers, particularly those who thrive on structure and details,
might find your inability to finish what you start and attend to details
frustrating. This can particularly cause problems in the workplace.
3. You tend to be late and to forget things like
birthdays.
The ADHD brain is creative, fun, exciting, and sometimes joyous for
others to be around. But when it comes to remembering things like
birthdays, or important stories someone confided in you, or to being
on time? Things an ADHD brain struggles with? You might be seen
as a letdown.
4. Regular social events bore you.
You know you should stay until the end of a family gathering, but you
are jumping out of your skin with boredom and leave, upsetting
others. Or you know going to the pub with colleagues would greatly
improve your workplace relationships, but you find it so utterly boring
you can’t hide it. And others end up finding you a snob.
Impulsivity in relationships
Impulsivity means you rush into things before you can stop
yourself. Even if you really try as hard as possible to not do things
you regret, your brain overrides your desire to be practical and there
you are. Acting or speaking before you mean to. Which can lead to
the following relating issues.
1. ADHD and relationships can mean you rush in to
both romance and friendships.
Is your life an endless series of short, exciting relationships? ADHD
and relationships can mean this is a common pattern. At its core this
happens because of impulsivity. You date people despite knowing
you are going too fast, or they are rumoured to be trouble, or deep
down you know better. Your impulsive streak gets the better of you.
2. You say things before you realise you are saying
them.
Photo by Jeswin Thomas for Pexels
Sometimes it might be funny and make people laugh. Or your
outbursts might be full of great ideas that have you seen as an
innovator at work. But let’s be honest, that brain that seems to speak
through your mouth before you can stop it can also mean that you
say things you regret, even if it’s often true. The end result is
upsetting others or being seen as mean, when you had no intention
of being so.
3. You are less likely to practice safe sex and more
vulnerable to STDs.
Let’s be honest, if there is one moment the best of us can be
impulsive it can be under the influence of lust. Add in some ADHD
and we can make impulsive and very poor decisions in our sex lives.
A study on young adults with ADHD found they were four times
more likely to be treated for STDs.
4. You can be emotionally volatile (anger is
common).
It’s not just our behaviours that can be impulsive if we have ADD, it
can also be our emotions that are impulsive. We can burst into tears
at the slightest provocation. Or, a common issue with those with
ADHD, not have a handle on our anger.
A large-scale analysis of ADHD research to date concluded that
almost 70 per cent of adults with ADHD suffer from emotional
dysregulation (the inability to stop your emotions going from zero
to a hundred rapidly). It’s no wonder that some researchers feel
that anger and emotional issues should become a core symptom
for diagnosis.
Hyperactivity in relationships
Hyperactivity in adults doesn’t just mean someone who is energetic
and loud. It can also manifest as restlessness, or show up in the way
you communicate.
A study spanning 13 years that followed 149 young people into
adulthood found that hyperactivity meant having fewer closer
friends, fewer close friends, more trouble keeping friends, and
more social problems.
1. Your energy drains others and you are seen as ‘too
much’.
Your fast talking, fast thinking, exciting ideas and humour might be
what attracts some people. But it will also be the very thing that puts
other people off. They see you as draining, or ‘too much’. Which can
feel terrible when you are trying your best but this is who you are.
2. You talk in circles, go too fast, overshare and
interrupt others.
ADHD hyperactivity can affect the way you communicate. Not only
can the way your brain talks in circles or how you keep several ideas
going in one conversation overwhelm others. But you can talk really
fast and overshare.
Then there can be a marked tendency to interrupt and talk over
others no matter how hard you try not to. Again, the brain often
overrides the mouth when it comes to ADHD, and misjudges timings.
And the end result is that others who don’t understand your
ADHD can you see you as unbearable or rude. And you can be left
feeling terrible and with low self-esteem, or socially withdrawing.
3. You get sensorially overwhelmed and need alone
time.
A less talked about symptom of ADHD is shared with autism
sufferers, and that is sensorial overwhelm. This can mean that you
are out at an event and suddenly all the noise and lights are too
much and you feel panicky. Others can find it confusing, and you can
start avoiding such events, or become introverted in a way that
leaves you lonely.
Sick of feeling alone, misunderstood, and ‘too much’ for others?
Talk to ADHD expert talk therapists who know all about ADHD
and relationships and can help you relate better and raise your
self-esteem.
is an expert on ADHD and relationships due to personal experience.
She was diagnosed with ADHD over two decades ago. A health and
wellbeing expert, she also runs a consultancy helping people plan
their perfect therapy journey. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
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