The Ultimate Breakup
Recovery Bible for Men
A Powerful Survival Guide to Healing from Heartbreak
Oliver Heath
© Copyright 2019 – Bernice Pond. All rights reserved.
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Table of Contents
Introduction
Chapter One: The Science Behind Love and Loss
Chapter Two: The Heartbroken Mind
Chapter Three: The Other Half
Chapter Four: Recovering From Grief
Chapter Five: The No Contact Rule
Chapter Six: Moving Forward: Remaining Friends
Chapter Seven: Moving on Phase One – Coming To Terms That It’s Over
Chapter Eight: Moving on Phase Two - Choosing the Best Version of Yourself
Chapter Nine: Moving on Phase Three - Future Relationships
Final Words
Resources
Introduction
Please allow me to introduce myself, my name is Oliver Heath, and I am a passionate man who
has experienced my fair share of heartbreak. Fortunately, after many years of going in circles trying to
free myself from the painful cycle of love and loss, I have found my strength and could not be happier.
I have resolved to create this guide to share the invaluable information I have uncovered over the
years (through life experience and research) and to offer it as a guide to other men who are
experiencing the deep grief of a breakup. This guide will help move you from heartbreak and have
you on your way to finding lasting love. This method of moving on and healing heartbreak worked
for me, and I know it can work for you.
Although I have been dumped (and it hurt - a lot), the most painful breakup I experienced was
when I realised that I had to end the relationship with my former fiancée. Even though I loved my
ex-fiancée very much, and they loved me, I knew it wasn't the kind of true love I was seeking, and that
would keep me satisfied throughout my entire life. Although I knew that it was in both our best
interests to break it off, I can tell you; it was the toughest thing I have ever had to do. It was necessary
to avoid more pain down the road, but it broke their heart and mine.
Presumably, since you are reading this book, you have also experienced relationship loss and
heartbreak. Although the experience of heartbreak is entirely natural and happens to everyone at some
point or another (and is likely to occur at least a few times in life) it doesn't make up for the fact that
it hurts, a lot. Whether or not you are the one who has chosen to end the relationship, and whether it
is the healthiest decision for you, it is an excruciating process to endure.
Relationships end for so many reasons; usually at least one person in them still has a lot of love
or strong feelings for the other. But factors like lifestyles, distance, wanting children or not,
complications, or other unresolvable issues might come into play. It is often these complexities that
lead to the most painful of breakups. It does not matter how complicated a breakup is or how much
love may remain; this book can give you the path to letting go and moving on.
Dealing with the intense grief that can often accompany a breakup may bring up all kinds of
profound thoughts and feelings. It is easy to fall into old habits, patterns, and coping mechanisms that
may not be healthy or helpful in getting over the loss. Although, if you approach your situation
mindfully, it is an excellent opportunity to grow and learn healthier ways to adapt and move on with
life. There is also nothing more rewarding than putting in work to become a healthier, improved
version of yourself and then observing and experiencing the benefits of doing that work. I know from
my experience, and from coaching others through the heartache that, if you put in the work and follow
these steps, the pain will diminish, and you will eventually feel whole again. That is a promise that I
can make to you. I can't give you an exact time, date and place when you will feel like you again, but I
can assure you that with acceptance, patience, and understanding, you will get there!
In this book, I will share a practical step-by-step guide to releasing the negative feelings of
heartbreak, moving forward with life and finding new love in the healthiest way possible. I can offer
you this knowledge, but it will be up to you to do the work to make it happen. It will require that you
choose to commit to this path and to trust the process. If you do so, you will experience a powerful
transformation in the way that you view your emotions, your breakup, and your ability to move
forward.
The first step to taking action for getting over your heartbreak is to educate yourself and to
work on changing the way you act and react in relationships and between relationships. If you take
the time to invest in yourself, read this guide, and commit to following the steps, you will be back on
your feet and back on track to find the true love that you deserve. Don't waste your time feeling bad
about things that have already happened and you therefore can't change. Read this book and follow
the powerful methods in it, and you will be ready to find the love you seek.
After countless painful breakups and heartbreaks, I decided to take charge of my love life and
my reactions to loss. I studied psychology and spirituality in the effort to discover as much information
as I could to change what was going on in my love life. After making these changes, I was able to get
over the pain of past relationships. Once I discovered that this method was successful, I began to
coach friends and family members on my techniques and was amazed to find out just how powerful
this method is! Every person who committed to these techniques and honestly did the work was able
to break the cycle of heartbreak and loss, quickly! They were able to get over the hurt, love themselves
and open up to find their partners in life.
I used this exact method, and I'm sharing it with you in book form. I'm confident that if you
committed to it and put in the work, you will be able to heal your heartbreak and move on to find the
love you want and deserve. We all have unsettled questions when it comes to dealing with breakups,
as we try to make sense of the loss and pain. There are often several unknowns, and it can be hard to
speak openly about it, especially to other guys. Use this book as your trusted companion, as you learn
to cope, move on and answer the questions rushing through your mind.
Don't waste time feeling bad or doing the same things you have always done in the past without
success. Time is moving forward, and life is moving forward, with or without you. Don't let life pass
you by while you are stuck in a rut feeling broken-hearted and lonely. Take charge of your life and
your feelings. Learn to heal your heart and become stronger than ever. Now is your chance to become
skilled and to do the work that will empower you to live your best life and love your best love. You
owe it to yourself to put in the effort, and you will not regret it when you experience the benefits!
Chapter One: The Science Behind Love and Loss
Most people are vaguely aware that various hormones and neurotransmitters in your brain and
body are responsible for the way you think, feel, and react. We want to believe that love is different
or that it somehow exists aside from science. However, it seems that love occurs in much the same
way that other emotions and reactions do. The difference with love, of course, is in the "who" and
the "why" that a particular person triggers a love reaction. It doesn't happen with just anyone, which
is what makes it so unique and so painful to lose.
In this chapter, I will explain the neuroscience and physical reactions within your brain and
body when you fall in love as well as when you experience the loss of love. This information is valuable
because it can help you to realise what is happening inside as you cope with the destruction of a
cherished relationship. It can also empower you as you begin to understand what is causing you to
feel the way that you do, and hopefully to overcome it.
Throughout the world and the vastly different cultures that exist, there is a valued notion of
romantic love. In all the cultures of the world, love is generally held in a place of importance in people's
lives and has a significant impact on their wellbeing. As sociologists began to realise the widespread
significance of romantic love, they began to understand that love is based on something more physical
and biological than culture and society. It was mainly this way of thinking and viewing love that gave
rise to the scientific interest of studying love and how it affects the brain and body.
The Chemicals
I would like to briefly explain what the main chemical components are and their broader
significance in the brain and body. Then we will probe into the specifics of the various chemicals that
affect your brain and body when you fall in love.
Neurotransmitters play a pivotal role in the brain and the body's functioning. In the simplest
terms, neurotransmitters relay impulses through nerves to send a message from one part of your brain
or body to another. A neurotransmitter is a chemical which is released at the end of a nerve fibre when
the nerve receives an impulse. The neurotransmitter travels through a small space between nerve fibres
called a synapse where it then signals an impulse to the following nerve to release a neurotransmitter
on the other end. So, it essentially joins a chain reaction to send throughout the brain and body.
Hormones are also chemicals that are released in the body to transmit messages. The main
difference is that, for the most part, hormones are produced by various glands and delivered into the
bloodstream where they travel to different organs and cells. The hormones interact with specific
organs and cells to trigger changes such as growth, development, and reproduction. Hormones are
responsible for regulating physical functions, whereas neurotransmitters are responsible for chemically
relaying messages between nerves.
Your Brain in Love
Anyone who has ever been in love can attest to the compelling nature of it. It is arguably the
strongest emotion and can completely change your way of thinking and acting. Once you begin to
learn about the hormones and chemicals that are responsible for affecting the feeling of love, it is not
at all surprising that it is so powerful. Many hormones that create the emotional experience of being
in love are also responsible for forming the parent and baby attachment. These hormones are also
involved when a person undertakes some form of addictive behaviour. The combination is indeed
powerful.
In 2005 there was a large study conducted through the Harvard Medical School which used
functional MRI images to observe the brain reactions of over 2,500 people who were in the midst of
romantic love. It was the first time specialists had been capable of understanding how the brain reacted
to the images and thoughts of romantic lovers versus other people, such as friends and family
members.
When the researchers showed participants images of their romantic partners, areas of the brain
known to be strongly associated with dopamine (the so-called "feel-good neurotransmitter" which is
also responsible for motivating reward-driven behaviour) were activated. Specifically, the caudate
nucleus and the ventral tegmental areas of the brain were shown to activate. The caudate nucleus is
also recognised to be associated with reward detection and the integration of experiences into social
behaviours, as well as many other less topically relevant roles. The ventral tegmental area is associated
with focused attention, pleasure, and the motivation to attain rewards. The ventral tegmental area is
also known to be a part of the brain's reward circuit. It is related to all pleasure-seeking and addictive
behaviours for reward, including sex and drugs.
Although dopamine plays a significant role in the way people feel and experience love, other
hormones and neurotransmitters are also involved. When people fall in love, the stress hormone
cortisol is released. Cortisol can cause the racing heart and sense of passion and anxiety that you feel
while falling in love. As the levels of stress-induced cortisol rise in your body, the levels of another
neurotransmitter, serotonin, begins to lower. In no small degree, serotonin is responsible for keeping
your mood stabilised, as well as keeping circadian rhythms like sleep and eating on track. Low levels
of serotonin are associated with depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive thinking patterns. It is
the combination of elevated cortisol and lowered serotonin that leads to many of the "symptoms" of
the initial phases of falling in love. These include anxiety, fear, and continually thinking of your
romantic partner.
The other hormones that come into action during the first stages of romantic love are oxytocin
and vasopressin. These two hormones play a meaningful role in pregnancy, nursing and the initial
stages of mother and infant bonding. Oxytocin is released during sex and is intensified by skin-to-skin
contact and increases the attachment that the romantic companions feel for each other. Vasopressin,
on the other hand, has been linked to the formation of long-term bonds and affection.
From Lust to Love: The Stages of Falling in Love
There are three key stages of falling in love. These stages are known as lust, attraction, and
finally love. Lust is the preliminary stage which may or may not lead to falling in love. Lust is
characterised by becoming attracted to and by trying to attract a potential love interest. This phase
involves showing off masculinity or femininity and other features that you believe will be desirable to
a potential partner.
The hormones at play during this stage include estrogen, for women primarily, and testosterone,
primarily for men. Although testosterone is identified as a male hormone, it does affect women as
well, especially during the lust phase of relationships because it boosts sex drive and sexual desire.
The lust phase can last anywhere from a few days to several months. If all goes well, the lust
stage culminates in attraction. The attraction phase includes only being able to think about the object
of your affection and being with that person, especially in a romantic way. As this stage progresses, it
can be fertile grounds for attachment to begin to grow.
During the attachment stage of falling in love, much of the overwhelming sensations and
obsessive thinking begins to slow down and taper off, as testosterone and estrogen levels start to
return to normal. You also begin to desire the presence of the person of your affection rather than
just fantasising about sexual endeavours with them. You feel calm and content, especially when you
are together with your partner. You are also comfortable communicating openly and honestly with
your partner and feel accepted by them. At this stage, the hormone levels of oxytocin and vasopressin
begin to rise. These hormones serve to create a feeling of attachment and lay the groundwork for real
and lasting love.
Heartbreak and Your Brain
Scientists are generally in agreement when it comes to what happens in the brain and body
when people fall in love. However, there is some division in the discussion of why breakups and
heartbreak hurt so much.
In a research study conducted by cognitive neuroscientists at Columbia University, scientists
used functional MRI machines to observe people's brains after a breakup. Participants were shown an
image of their recent ex-partner and were asked to think about memorable times together. Participants
were requested to look at a picture of a good friend and endure a painful prod on the arm from a hot
rod. The scientists observed all of the brain's reactions and compared the which areas of the brain
become activated after looking at an ex-partner and a close friend. Researchers found that the same
parts of the brain were activated while looking at the picture of an ex-partner as were activated when
having physical pain induced. The study found that different areas of the brain were activated when
looking at a picture of a good friend. In this research study, they discovered that the brain does react
to the pain of heartbreak in a similar way as it responds to physical pain. Researchers cannot say
whether that is because of the nature of the pain experienced or because it is simply another aversive
experience.
Some researchers and scientists believe that the pain of heartbreak and loss of love is more akin
to the suffering of coming off an addictive substance. Many think that much of the pain of heartbreak
is related to a sudden drop off critical hormones and neurotransmitters, dopamine and oxytocin
primarily. Special "love" hormones and neurotransmitters are produced and activated while you fall in
love and stay in love with a romantic partner. These happen to be the identical chemicals that are
created and activated by highly addictive behaviours including alcohol, drug use and other pleasurable
activities. So, when we think of the physical and emotional reactions to withdrawing from drug use,
and withdrawing from romantic love, the chemical reaction is quite similar.
Another critical study conducted by Lucy Brown, a neurologist, and Helen Fisher, an
anthropologist, scanned participants' brains as they looked at pictures of ex-partners and found that
the reward centres were activated. It meant that much like taking a drug which would produce that
same effect, for someone heartbroken over the loss of a partner, looking at an image was reactivating
the positive connection to the person. For that reason, it is advised to create as much distance from
your ex-partner as possible. The process will give your brain and body a chance to detach from the
reactions. Maintaining contact or obsessing over social media and images of your ex will only cause
the separation to be drawn out and the brain reaction to continue.
It seems that what separates love withdrawal from drug withdrawal is oxytocin. The chemical
is responsible for creating a special loving bond either between sexual partners or mothers and infants.
However, it is not present in the chemical reactions that people using drugs experience. It seems it
may be the bond and attachment caused by oxytocin that is the hardest to break. This one seems to
take more time for your brain to detach from the attachment. Your brain recovers more quickly from
changes in dopamine and other neurotransmitters and hormones involved in falling in love. It takes
far longer to recover from changes in oxytocin levels.
The idea of fitting love into a scientific study upsets some people; however, it can be useful for
understanding what is happening on a physical and chemical level in the brain and body. It is
fundamental to remember that, just because chemical reactions in the brain can influence love and
heartbreak, it doesn't mean that the person or interactions that triggered those chemical reactions are
not special. If anything, it proves that the person who has triggered the love reaction in the brain is
extraordinary because not every person causes that effect.
Chapter Summary
•
Love, like other emotions and feelings, is controlled in your brain and body by
neurotransmitters and hormones.
•
The primary chemicals involved in love are testosterone, dopamine, serotonin, cortisol,
oxytocin, and vasopressin.
•
Falling in love affects the brain in much the same way as substance use and can cause a similar
addictive reaction to the reward of love.
•
Loss of love and heartbreak affects the brain in a similar way to withdrawal from drug use and
can produce a similar reward-seeking behavioural reaction.
•
Oxytocin seems to differentiate the reaction to the loss of love from the response of drug
withdrawal.
In the next chapter, you will discover more about the psychological aspects of heartbreak and
loss, including reframing your perspective on the breakup to stop negative thought patterns, how to
accept where you are and how to begin to let go and move forward. We will also look at when you
might wish to seek outside or professional help.
Chapter Two: The Heartbroken Mind
In this chapter, we move from the chemical and scientific aspects of love and loss to the mental
states and emotions that most men deal with while coping with heartbreak.
Self-Acceptance and Acknowledging Emotions
For most men, maintaining restraint when it comes to showing feelings is ingrained from early
childhood. It's not a common part of our culture for men to feel comfortable or safe to express how
they feel. It's often viewed as not manly or weak if a man expresses emotions, especially pain and
sadness. Partly for this reason, many men have become completely detached from their feelings and
are not very aware of what they are feeling or how it is affecting their behaviour. Due to this typical
emotional disconnection and the resulting lack of regular practice of sorting through and processing
emotions, many men have an even harder time dealing with the intense and overwhelming feelings
that come with a breakup.
For many men, the disconnection and lack of ability to process and cope with emotions can
lead to some unhealthy decisions and behaviour when it comes to post-breakup coping mechanisms.
Rather than analysing, understanding, and accepting emotions and mental states, many men act
impulsively. Most of the time, this impulsive behaviour is relatively benign, but it can also lead to
detrimental actions that may have adverse long-term effects. It is best to take time to process emotions
and to avoid taking reckless actions that could lead to poor outcomes.
For these reasons, it is essential to take some time to pause and reflect. Although acknowledging
pain is difficult and can be very challenging in many ways, it is the best way to begin to move forward
and get over the heartache of a tough breakup.
The first step is to tell yourself that it is okay to feel whatever emotions you are experiencing.
Self-acceptance is arguably the most crucial part of the process. There is no need to explain or justify
the way you're feeling, approach this inquiry with acceptance. At this stage, part of the journey is
accepting that these emotions may linger for an unknown amount of time. Permit yourself to feel your
way through the range of emotions without feeling the need to rush. It goes against intuition a little
bit because when we experience pain or challenges, we naturally want to move away from it. The issue
is that trying to move on too quickly often leads to poor choices and non-ideal attempts at coping.
You must frame the thinking in this stage as moving through these emotions as opposed to trying to
get them to end. They must be acknowledged, accepted, and experienced. This is a powerful process
called surrendering and letting go of the need to control how you feel. It involves the operation of
observing the sensations instead of being gripped by them.
Negative Thoughts and Feelings
Now we have discussed how to begin processing the thoughts and feelings that may arise while
you are going through a painful breakup. So, let's look at which thoughts and feelings may come up
and some strategies for dealing with them as they do.
The first strong emotion is, of course, deep sadness and loss. These are prevalent emotions to
experience after a breakup. Feeling like the sadness will never end is not unusual. In the midst of
things, it seems that the heartache will last forever. At this stage, it is easy to think somewhat
obsessively using these emotions. It's also common to think obsessively about your ex-partner while
you're still feeling attached.
Other negative thoughts and feelings can include rejection and unworthiness. These kinds of
feelings are very hard to deal with and usually involve a lot of negative self-talk. Negative thought
patterns can severely affect how you view yourself and how you think others may perceive you.
Negative self-talk can transform into generalised low self-esteem and permeate into many aspects of
life.
Anger and jealousy can also come up at some point during or after painful breakups. These
feelings relate more to men who were dumped by their partner or whose ex-partner moved on very
quickly. It is often intertwined with feelings of sadness and rejection. As mentioned above, it is
common for many men to feel so detached from their emotions that they are unable to begin to
observe and process them. In this case, some clues can be gleaned from a person's behaviour that
might highlight possible underlying negative emotions. Some behaviours that can be a signal of
underlying emotional pain include drinking more or indulging in other excesses like unhealthy eating.
Alternatively, seeking out sex and sexual attention immediately following an intense breakup can also
be a signal of unresolved emotional pain.
If you start to notice that any of these behaviours are occurring within you, it is a sign you are
experiencing some deep-down pain that you are trying to avoid. It's best to try to observe the
behaviour without judgment and to begin to take ownership of the behaviour. In practice, this means
noticing when you are considering making an unhealthy choice (like drinking or casual sex) and
choosing to do something else instead.
When these kinds of negative thoughts become repetitive and overwhelming, it is vital to
interrupt the thinking. There are a few healthy ways to do this. First, you may try to distract yourself
by keeping busy doing something engaging that you find joyful and doing it for pure enjoyment.
Taking part in a sport or going to the gym is also an excellent and healthy way to interrupt negativity.
Besides the distraction, the hormones released when you exercise are also mood-lifting, so this is an
added benefit. On top of that, exercising causes you to feel physically stronger and more able which
helps to build up your confidence again.
It is also important to be kind and forgiving towards yourself and to practice self-care. Self-care
can take many forms but essentially, take extra time and pride in your daily rituals such as shaving or
getting a massage or a haircut. Do things that make you look and feel good.
Although it might feel hopeless at times, continue to break the patterns of negative thinking by
reframing, interrupting, and distracting yourself when negative thoughts arise. Trust that gradually,
over time; the unwanted thoughts will fade out. As you become used to interrupting negativity and
substituting positive thoughts, it will start to happen seamlessly, and eventually, you will no longer
have any routine negative thoughts. However, if and when you do, you will be well equipped to send
them on their way.
Reframing Negative Thinking
Negativity is bound to come up at various times in life. It can be a normal part of thinking; for
example, it can serve to point out areas that you need to improve. This type of healthy negative
thinking is also known as self-directed constructive criticism. It can be healthy if you are not overly
attached to negative thoughts and are not judging yourself or your self-worth based on them.
It is when negative thinking becomes routine and is present regularly that it creates an unhealthy
pattern. When negativity becomes the standard way of thinking, and your internal dialogue sounds
like constant criticism than it will start to have a detrimental effect on your health and well-being.
Another sign that negative thoughts are becoming unhealthy is that you become attached to them and
judge yourself based on them. For example, it is recognising that you need to be more punctual and
being frustrated at yourself for being late to something important. This is a normal reaction that can
help you learn to be on time in the future. Alternatively, if your internal dialogue goes to put-downs
or if you judge your self-worth based on it, then it is time to reframe your thinking.
We can put this into the context of relationships. Imagine you cheated on your partner, and
that is why the relationship is over. Having negative thoughts in this situation is (likely) inevitable.
When you have done something wrong, an array of negative feelings occurs to signal to you that it is
not right. Feelings of guilt, shame and grief are there to teach you that you've made a mistake. These
emotions can become unhealthy when they continue for too long. They can have a damaging effect
on you if you become overly attached to the emotions and judge yourself based on them.
At that point, it is crucial to begin the process of interrupting negativity and reframing thoughts.
It is essentially an exercise in practising mindfulness, and once these techniques are developed
successfully, can benefit you in many aspects of life. You can start by just observing your internal
dialogue. If you are keen, write down your observations in a diary or private journal. Observe each
time your dialogue becomes negative or your thoughts gravitate towards sadness, loss, or rejection.
After becoming accustomed to observing thoughts and feelings, start to notice when they come up.
For example, do they arise as a reaction to a stressful situation, or when you are overtired or hungry?
Often, when other things are affecting your general well-being, your overall resistance is lowered. In
those stressful times, it might seem that sadness and negativity come flooding in like a dam has been
opened.
If that is the case, you know that you can anticipate and plan appropriate coping methods. For
example, you know that you're going to have a long, busy day working with tight deadlines or a boss
who might cause you stress. In these types of situations, be sure to take extra precautions to mitigate
the potential for resistance to unhealthy thoughts to creep in. Some strategies include going to bed
early, yoga practises or working out in the morning, packing a healthy lunch full of your favourite
foods, taking a proper break during the day, listening to music that makes you happy, or calling an
amusing friend or relative.
Knowing ahead when it is more likely that these thoughts are going to come up can make all
the difference between becoming lost in the sea and calmly navigating the current. When you know
that these unhealthy thoughts are likely to arise, it's less intense when they do, and, because you are
prepared, you can meet them with acknowledgement rather than an attachment. When it arises, you
can say to yourself "aha, here it is, I am not going to listen or attach to that line of thinking". You can observe
and acknowledge without attachments or judgement.
This is a big part of the process of healing and letting go of heartbreak. It takes time and
commitment to master this process. No matter how loud and out of control your thoughts may be,
with time and dedication to mindfulness practice, you can learn to interrupt and detach from negative
lines of thinking. Most people turn towards this internal work because their thoughts are out of
control, and they recognise that they need to do it. It is generally not because they have naturally calm
minds and easily controlled thoughts.
Another thing that is important to realise when relationships end is that a lot of the pain comes
from unfulfilled expectations. Without conscious thought and regular mindfulness practice, our minds
become attached to ideas that we create subconsciously. These expectations are creations based on
desire rather than on the experience of reality in any given moment. We can quickly become very
attached to the expectations without even realising it, and when those expectations are broken, it is a
painful experience of loss. Mindfulness exercises help with this twofold. The technique helps you to
realise your deepest aspirations and attachments to them. In turn, you learn to let go of the attachments
formed concerning these aspirations and expectations.
You can also reframe negative thoughts by flipping the perspective in which you view them.
For example, it is common to feel that you have "lost" something when a relationship ends. Reframing
and changing the perspective might mean that instead of seeing loss, you consider the things that you
have gained throughout the relationship. Some examples include the sacred experience of love, a
lesson that you learned or a way that you have grown into a better version of yourself from being in
that relationship. You have now gained space in your life for new love to enter, or for other existing
relationships to grow and deepen. You have gained space to reconnect to yourself and your
preferences. In relationships, especially long and close ones, we can sometimes lose some of ourselves
through compromise. Or, it may be that you have stopped doing something that you used to enjoy
because of the hold your previous relationship had on you. For our partners' sake, it can be easy to
lose sight of the things we want so that we can put effort into our relationships. So, with the primary
aim being to change your perspective of the breakup - consider that although you lost out on the
things you did for yourself, you now have more time to do just that now which is a great gain.
How Long Does It Take?
This is probably the number one inquiry when it comes to breakups, "How long does it take to get
over your ex and stop the heartache?" Well, of course, the answer to this is variable and depends on many
factors. One of the things that influences the amount of time it takes is whether you broke up with
them or if they broke up with you.
In most situations, if you are the one who ended the relationship, it takes less time to get over
a breakup, though that is not always the case. For most people, the average time to let go of their ex
and move on is about six weeks. Of course, if you are in a long-term relationship and still completely
in love with and attached to your ex-partner, it could take quite a bit longer to move on. For longer
relationships with sudden and unexpected endings, it could take many months, and if you don't put
in the work after devastating breakups, the pain could last forever.
It is essential to be patient and accepting of yourself and your emotions as you pass through
the first month or two after a breakup. You can expect to feel down at times and recognise that it is
merely part of the process of living and loving, the experience of loss is a natural and healthy part of
being alive. Without loss, there could not have been love. When you are experiencing the pain of loss,
you are just passing through it as part of your process of loving and letting go.
Don't try to rush things in the first month or two following a breakup. Permit yourself to
experience your feelings and sit with it until you feel differently. Be patient and take special care of
yourself. Connect with friends and family, eat wholesome foods, get a massage, and do things that you
love. Gradually the grief will pass, and you will be feeling like your old self again.
Chapter Summary
•
Grief is to be expected when going through a breakup.
•
It is important to be accepting of your feelings.
•
It is also essential to stop and reframe negative thoughts as they arise.
• Mindfulness practice helps to shed light on what you're feeling.
• It usually takes at least six weeks to get over a breakup, but for longer and closer relationships,
it can take longer.
• It might be challenging at times but stay committed, and eventually, you will come out on the
other side of heartbreak.
• If the negative thoughts become overwhelming and you can't stop them no matter what you
try, reach out to friends and relatives, or perhaps consider speaking with a counsellor.
In the next chapter, you will learn how your ex-partner is thinking and feeling after the breakup,
what they might be going through, and how they are dealing with it. We will also look at the most
common behaviours of ex-partners and how to react and handle different interactions with your ex
as they come up.
Chapter Three: The Other Half
Much of the time following a breakup is spent wondering what went wrong, thinking about
your ex and how they might be handling it. This thought process is quite normal in the short term.
However, it can become overwhelming and obsessive and is generally not a productive way of
thinking. In this chapter, we will explore the ways your ex might be handling the breakup and how to
handle interactions with them.
It Wasn't Meant to be Forever
Sometimes when you are completely overcome with grief after being blindsided by the sudden
end of a relationship, it is easy to look back at it with rose coloured glasses. This means that you think
about the best times and project those highs like a blanket over the entire relationship, when clearly if
it has ended, it could no longer be characterised by those moments.
In many ways, this sentiment comes down to expectations and attachment to the past. Although
you may not like the fact, clearly at the time the relationship ended, it was not all lollipops and
rainbows. There were issues that at least one partner was no longer willing to accept or work on
anymore. It is the expectation that things might have changed in the future that often leads to sadness
about losing the relationship.
Alternatively, or in combination, it is often an attachment to the positive feelings of past
happiness together that causes the grief of loss. The truth is that in the time when the relationship
came to an end, it was not healthy or happy for at least one partner. When one partner feels the
relationship is not pleasant or healthy and the work to improve it is neglected, it's not a desirable
relationship for either partner (whether it is acknowledged or not). When it takes two people to make
something work, and one does not feel it's working, then it is simply not working for either party.
If you thought it was working well, it could be hard to accept that it was not working for your
ex-partner. However, it is essential for you both that you listen to your ex and trust what they
communicate to you regarding the breakdown of the relationship. You must also remember that even
a "best-case scenario" breakup is hard. A relationship must come to a point where a breakup is less
painful than staying together. There is more than one person in a relationship. When someone decides
the relationship is no longer working, it is vital to trust that even if it is not in your own experience.
In this case, it is especially important to take time to reflect on your personal experience as well as on
what they are telling you their experience has been.
You can still greatly value the relationship and the person that you were with and accept that it
has come to an end. There are so many reasons that people elect to finish a relationship, but none of
them negates the experiences that you shared. Just because the relationship has ended or changed into
a different form, it does not undo the emotions and growth that existed within it. Try to view that
with a sense of gratitude for what you have received throughout the experience.
Nothing in the universe lasts forever. Some relationships do last a lifetime, and some do not.
A positive take away is to view this as a space in your life opening for a future fulfilling relationship.
You never know, the new relationship could last a lifetime if that is your end goal. However, even
more importantly try to remember that everything that exists now has an end, it is part of the process
of life. To love deeply means that at some point there will be a loss, it is virtually inevitable. Hopefully,
it helps you to be able to accept those feelings knowing that it is a part of the process.
The Gender Gap: How Women Process a Breakup
Not all romantic partnerships consist of a man and a woman. In fact, in our day and age, it is
completely normal and acceptable to have a same-gender relationship. If you have recently broken up
with your female love, here is the lowdown on how she might be feeling after the breakup. It seems
on the surface that breakups appear to affect women more than men in the early phases after the
breakup happens. Women are generally better able to process emotions and move on more
successfully. Women are more open about their feelings immediately following a breakup and tend to
seek out support from friends and family. They may seem more distraught in the few days and weeks
directly after the end of a relationship. However, in general, and seemingly because of more socially
normalised coping strategies, they also can work through and move on from relationships faster than
men.
In many cases, women are more openly upset about the loss of a relationship than men are.
For example, women may be tearful and show their feelings about breaking up more with their expartners, friends, and family. This can give the impression that women are hit harder than men in a
breakup, but that's not necessarily the truth. Often, men are equally or even more torn up about losing
a relationship, but they may not know how to show it. It may also be the case that they choose not to
express it, at least not in the same way that women do.
Sometimes it feels alarming when it seems your ex is feeling more upset than you are, especially
if you were the one who chose to end the relationship. This can add to feelings of stress and guilt that
you may have had about ending the relationship. It may seem like your ex is more upset about the end
of the relationship than you. However, because of the way she expresses it, she will be likely to get
over it and start to move on during the first few weeks. Quite possibly, she will move on and recover
from the heartache quicker than you will. Then it might suddenly seem even more alarming as she
starts to move past it, but you are stuck still feeling sad.
Just as you are experiencing a roller coaster of emotions as you work through and process your
breakup, so is your ex. There will be times where it seems your ex is doing better than others. Those
will be the days that you see them on social media or hear about them from those around you.
Individuals are more likely to remember the good times following a breakup than the bad moments.
It's good to realise that and consider it when you make assumptions about your ex's overall well-being
after a breakup. It is probably a good idea to remain focused on yourself and your healing journey
instead of what you believe they could be feeling. The chances are what you can see is what your ex
has deliberately chosen to release to you and the world. In a low moment, they might call you up,
seeming very upset, trying to get you to change your mind or reconcile. Then to confuse you, the next
day they are posting pictures of a great time out with friends. It is the nature of breakups and emotions
in general; there are highs and lows. If you find yourself affected by your ex's highs and lows, you will
be a complete wreck and have no control over your healing process. You must take charge of your
emotions and focus on yourself as you move through this.
It is easy to let your ex's emotions affect you as you go through a breakup and in the following
weeks or months. Sometimes you might feel that you are "over" it in the early weeks of the breakup.
However, as time goes on and you see your ex out and enjoying life again pangs of jealousy or sadness
might come up. It's easy to romanticise the past relationship, especially if you are still feeling sad or if
you are lonely.
It is important to remember that, in time, you will both move on successfully. Either you or
your ex-partner will move on or seem to move on faster than the other. Regardless of this fact, it is
essential not to focus on what the other person is feeling or doing. The recovery process is about you
and getting to a place where you feel better about what happened and ready to move on.
Chapter Summary
•
Nothing lasts forever.
•
Just because it didn't work out doesn't take away from the experiences that you had.
•
An ending is a new beginning; you now have space for an even better relationship to enter
your life.
•
Women may seem to be more affected in the early days following a breakup, but they usually
get over it faster than men.
•
The process involves ups and downs for both you and your ex-partner.
•
Your partner will experience and show a variety of emotions as they process the breakup.
•
It is important not to become attached or affected by your partner's feelings and actions.
In the next chapter, you will discover more about the specific emotions that arise after breakups,
including the stages of grief and recovery from loss. Chapter four will also address critical strategies
for overcoming the various phases of grief.
Chapter Four: Recovering From Grief
Most people have probably heard of the five stages of grief. These stages were initially
conceived and published in 1969 by the psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in her book "On Death
and Dying". The stages were initially applied to the loss of a loved one by death; they have since been
applied to the grief caused by all sources.
Even though the loss of a relationship is not a death per se, in many ways, it is the same
experience. For some people, it can be harder to bear. Losing a relationship encompasses many
missing pieces, including love, companionship, routines, and comfort. Losing any of those pieces
alone would be hard, but since they are all gone at the same time, it makes breakups very painful. Since
the loss of a relationship is less final than loss through death, it can be harder to accept. There is a
flicker of hope that the spark of the old relationship could reignite. In many ways, there is less closure
when a relationship ends than when a person dies. Therefore, it can take more work and energy to
come to a place where you truly understand that it has passed and it's not coming back.
Although the stages of grief are laid out in a linear way, from one to five, they do not necessarily
happen in that specific order. It is essential to keep in mind that you will find yourself moving forward
and backwards between the stages of grief. Please be patient and compassionate with yourself and try
to resist the need to rush the process too much. In this chapter, we will investigate the characteristics
of each stage of the grieving process and how to work through them in a healthy way.
Stage One - Denial
The first stage of grieving is known as denial. It encompasses denial and isolation and tends to
happen in the early stages right after a loss occurs at the beginning of the grieving process. This stage
is characterised by disbelief that the breakup will last. Thinking things like "they are just upset right now,
and they are going to change their mind soon" or "they didn't mean it, we will get back together again tomorrow" are
common during the denial stage. This stage may have begun even before the relationship ended. Either
one or both partners may not have accepted that there was a problem with their romantic connection.
Another aspect of denial is not accepting how badly you are truly feeling about the loss of the
relationship. For example, brushing it off and saying "I'm fine, I wasn't that into them anyway" is also a
way that denial can be expressed after a breakup.
The denial phase is viewed as a survival mode where the person experiencing denial is delaying
the experience of accepting grief and feeling sadness. Although it wouldn't be healthy for this stage to
go on for too long, it is a healthy and normal part of grieving for most people. Denial can be a
necessary coping mechanism for some people amid particular circumstances. It's like your mind having
to postpone the overwhelming emotions so that you can function and do what needs to be done. This
can be essential for people who have a lot of responsibilities and are required to keep it all together.
The issue, of course, would be if this stage didn't end in a timely way. It is common in the very early
stages to think that your ex might come back. However, it should become apparent and accepted that
they wouldn't come back relatively quickly. If not, you hang in limbo and prevent yourself from
moving on and finding true happiness.
So how do you help yourself to move through this first stage of grief and find acceptance? The
first thing is to be accepting and understanding of all the emotions you experience in the early days
post-breakup. Treat yourself with special care, eat your favourite foods and allow yourself some
downtime to begin to recover and process what has happened. Listen to what your ex-partner has told
you about the relationship. Reflect on what they are saying to you and take it in as feedback. Try to
understand where they are coming from, their viewpoint, and most importantly, accept the way they
feel. Even if you find it hard to believe, it is crucial at this point that you accept their perspective as
their truth, even if it doesn't align with yours. Then look back at various situations and try to match
what they have told you to past experiences in the relationship. Things that may help you work through
the process of acceptance can include writing a diary or journaling about your thoughts and feelings.
Use this to observe your feelings of denial or of hopefulness about getting back together, write down
any actual reasons that support your thinking. Also, write down what your ex has told you about the
chances of getting back together and notice if it matches your hopefulness.
Another important part of moving through denial is to reconnect with the goals you had outside
of the relationship. Move your life forward in other ways. Think about your ideal life and your ideal
life partner. Think about the ways that your ex was not your ideal partner and remember that. Imagine
a partner that encompasses what you want and need to grow into your best life situation. Try to realise
that your ex was not the one who was happily supporting that. Or, if in fact, it turns out that the
relationship does rekindle, you'll be in a better position overall and have a good perspective for moving
forward happily.
Stage Two - Anger
People generally move into the anger phase after they have accepted the loss and moved past
denial. As discussed above, it is possible and even likely for you to flip flop back and forth between
stages; you might feel angry at one point and return to hopeful denial at other moments.
It is usually as reality sets in and the denial does begin to wear off that the anger phase begins
to kick in. It tends to be an initial reaction to the situation in general. The adverse response acts as a
way to attempt to continue to avoid dealing with the sadness that is underlying it all.
Much as the denial stage is a coping mechanism for survival under stress and sadness, the anger
stage is a displacement of sadness and feelings of loss into anger which is less painful to process. The
anger can be directed toward the ex-partner (whether it is warranted), towards other people like family
members or friends, or even strangers (having a short temper).
The anger phase, when targeted towards an ex, is characterised by negative thoughts such as "I
hope they regret this." or "they are going to be miserable without me." When anger is turned towards others, it
can take many forms, for example, road rage or agitation towards co-workers. This is like a defence
mechanism, trying to create a tough armour to protect a broken heart. It serves to deflect and keep
people away while you are still trying to come to terms with sadness, the true emotion. Anger often
shows up in less overt ways as well, such as resentment and passive aggression. This is probably even
more likely to occur than outright hatred though either is possible. A small percentage of people,
usually those with underlying anger issues, are prone to violence either towards objects or people.
The problem with anger, of course, is that it can be compelling and can cause a lot of harm in
relationships. This is especially true if the anger is being directed at people who are just not deserving
of it. Unchecked emotions like anger can also sabotage your desire to rekindle the relationship. This
is more likely if you are directing anger towards your ex but can be true even if you are directing anger
at others. It can also injure relationships with friends and family if you are dumping harmful anger on
them.
It is essential to accept your emotions and allow yourself to experience what you feel. Anger is
a perfectly reasonable reaction as you begin to process loss. It's also essential, as you're working
through the anger phase, to recognise and accept the emotions and not react poorly to them. It's vital
to work towards avoiding putting the emotions onto others by treating them poorly.
Take some time to write down these emotions as well, expressing anger through writing can
assist you in working out your feelings without allowing them to control you. This is crucial to creating
space and healthy distance between feeling and reacting. Like journaling, it can be helpful to write an
angry letter to your ex but not to send it. This way, you can vent your feelings and express all the anger
and emotions that you need to without being hurtful or harming anyone else.
Throughout the anger phase, it is essential to remember that being angry is a normal part of
the grieving process, even though it might make you feel uncomfortable. It's crucial to continue to be
accepting of yourself and your emotions. As you progress through the stages of grieving, you will start
to move into the light at the end of the tunnel.
Stage Three - Bargaining
The third stage is a big step forward on the way to recovery from heartbreak. It is the bargaining
stage; when you move into this stage, it means that the denial has ended, you've moved through the
anger. During this stage, you are now beginning to accept the reality of the situation. Once the truth
is accepted, the bargaining phase begins. Slowly, you call the history of your relationship and your
actions into question. It is essentially like moving from placing blame outwardly to turning it inward.
The bargaining phase is often characterised by "if only" thoughts. You may start thinking "if only I had
been home more" or "if only I had listened when they asked me to change this."
This stage is crucial because it is a chance to reflect more on what you may or may not have
done or been responsible for throughout the breakdown of the relationship. This can offer you some
invaluable insight into which of your actions may have influenced the breakup. In many ways, this
contrasts with the anger stage, which often brings out more of what you feel the other person did in
the relationship. The truth may be a combination of the two viewpoints.
It's a good idea to continue journaling throughout the bargaining stage so that you can see what
comes up. There may be an element of truth to some things that come up; it's going to be exaggerated.
As you are reflecting on your actions during the relationship through the "bargaining lens" ask yourself
these questions. Did you genuinely believe that you could have done something differently, and why
did it end up happening the way it did? The chances are that if you could have done it better at the
time, you would have. These types of thoughts can be useful to teach you what, in hindsight, didn't
sit well and what you would like to improve on in the future.
Bargaining is a very natural part of the grieving process, just like the other stages, take time to
let it pass organically. Delving into this phase can be very painful since it is the beginning of acceptance
and facing the real feelings and hurt that the breakup caused. The previous two stages were about
avoiding or masking the sadness; this is the beginning of experiencing sorrow.
Passing through the bargaining stage is very challenging. It is a time where you will question a
lot about yourself, and it can shake your confidence because of that. Remember to be patient and
accepting as you reflect on yourself. If a relationship was meant to work out, it would have. Issues can
arise between people and be sorted out or worth enough for the partners to continue to work at it.
In addition to journaling through the bargaining phase, consider adding some form of
meditation practice into your routine. This can be very useful during the bargaining phase to help you
stay centred and grounded. It is easy to get engulfed down the hole of "what if's". Meditation is the
perfect way to keep out of that trap. Take a few minutes as often as necessary to close your eyes and
focus on your breathing.
Stage Four - Depression
In our society, depression is a bad word with negative connotations and many judgements
attached to it. It's important to know that as you progress into the depression stage of grief, it is normal
and natural. Although it can become a mental health issue, it is also a natural reaction to loss and a
healthy part of the process.
The depression stage is a quiet and personal stage of grief, where feelings of sadness are
common and normal. The earlier stages of grief involve a more active process of thinking and
reflecting. At this point in the process, it is just an experience of awful and unmoveable heaviness. It
is a sadness that incorporates mind, body and spirit. It often permeates all aspects of life, making it
feel like you are swimming upstream as you try to make it through your day. Energy and motivation
are low during the depression stage, and this might be a contrast to the earlier stages as well, where
there may have been higher levels of nervous energy due to a stress response in the body. During the
depression stage, it can become tough to accomplish even minor daily tasks. For example, eating,
bathing, and housekeeping can seem impossible. It is a time to reach out to others and connect with
supportive family and friends to help buoy you through.
Depression is a very painful experience, and because of that, it is easy to become stressed and
worried about your mental state, which of course is not helpful. Instead, try to be patient with yourself.
Accept that what you have experienced causes pain and that it is natural and necessary to feel the pain.
It will take some time for the pain to become less intense and for you to pass through the fog that it
causes, but it will end.
Because depression is an inward and quiet stage of grief, it is a good idea to nurture it so you
can truly sit with your feelings and understand where you are. It may be challenging to sit with what
you're feeling, but it is essential to do that. Clear your calendar for a few days or a week to stay home
(as much as possible) and do some simple things to care for yourself. Take baths, make food, light
candles, meditate and read books. Invite over close friends or anyone who is understanding of what
you are experiencing to help you continue to move forward. Try to come into each moment and find
the beauty in the experience of sadness and loss.
After a little while and even if you don't feel like getting going again, it might be necessary to
force yourself to get out and about. Returning to life is an inevitable and necessary part of the process
and can help to guide you through the depression stage. Starting small is key. Enjoy a nice coffee or
lunch with a friend, fill them in on the situation but try to avoid dwelling on it. Instead, try to detach
yourself from your current situation by listening to what they have to share. It is often helpful to hear
what other people are doing to help coax you out of the depression.
Build up from there to going out more often and trying to do leisurely activities. Spending time
with animals and in nature can help. As you are feeling more open to getting out and about, it can also
be very therapeutic to do some volunteering. Volunteering connects you to other people in a
meaningful way. It also makes you feel good because you are of service to your community.
Volunteering can also help to open up a broader perspective, so you can remember that the world is
much bigger than your personal sorrow.
Experiencing sadness means that you are living fully and experiencing a full and healthy range
of emotions linked to being human. If you were not feeling sadness and depression at some point in
time, then you are not opening yourself up to people or situations. It is risky to open up to love or
even friendship and put yourself out there because those are the same situations that have the potential
to cause emotional harm. It might be a natural reaction to pain from loss to close yourself off, at least
in the short term. That's perfectly normal and quite natural after being deeply wounded, as long as it
doesn't go on for too long.
Stage Five - Acceptance
Acceptance is the last stage of the difficult grieving process, as described by Elizabeth KüblerRoss. Although it is certainly a more positive stage than depression, it doesn't mean that you are no
longer experiencing sadness related to the loss. It means that you now have a full understanding of
what this loss means in your life and have accepted that it has come to pass.
Although you may still be having difficult days and feeling sadness at times, the number of
happy days will start to grow bit by bit, and eventually, you will experience more good days than bad.
Ultimately, the pain will come to an end. The acceptance stage is like a light at the end of the tunnel.
Your energy will start to pick up, and you will begin to look forward to getting out more and putting
yourself out there.
You will also begin to recognise how your life is healthier now or how you are on track for a
healthier life. This phase is about identifying parts of the relationship that didn't work more realistically
than the anger or bargaining phases. At this point, journaling is a good idea because you can dig deeper
and more honestly now that the sting has faded a little bit.
This stage is a good time to do some visioning and goal setting exercises. It's best to do this
type of work independently while you are single; this way you are in an excellent position to accept
someone new into your life. Reflect on what you want in life and write it down. Become clear about
the lifestyle you want and the relationships you desire and need. Consider the decisions that you have
made in the past that led you away from those goals and ideals. Write down what steps you think
would bring you closer to your goals. Be clear with yourself about what is most important for you in
your life. The greater clarity you have, the more your actions and energy will manifest these desires
and goals in your life.
Other Aspects of the Grieving Process
Many emotions arise during the grieving process and even after, that can be unsettling and
challenging to process. Negative feelings like guilt, jealousy, and self-blame are common during the
entire grieving process and can be challenging to handle. These feelings may be worse if it was your
fault that the relationship ended, or if it came to a very sudden end as a result of your actions. It is
more likely that these residual negative emotions will linger if it was a traumatic ending such as a case
of infidelity (either on your part or on the part of your partner).
Guilt is perhaps the worst experience. This means that you may have done something that
caused the end of the relationship that you now regret. It is the hardest of emotions to overcome
because we are most often harder on ourselves when offering forgiveness than we are to others. When
dealing with guilt, it is essential to take time to process it and to work to truly forgive yourself as you
would work on forgiving anyone else in your life.
It may take time before you're able to offer yourself forgiveness. As you work through it, you
might notice a loss of trust toward yourself. This can be expressed as a fear of repeating the same
actions and experiences and closing yourself off to the outside world by internalising your actions.
Don't feel bad about it, but instead recognise that you are human just as everyone else is. Humans
make mistakes and can learn from those mistakes. Feel the weight of your actions, remember how it
hurt both yourself and your ex-partner. Commit yourself to do better in the future and not to repeat
the same patterns of poor behaviour. Then you must let it all go. You have to accept that you have
done something wrong that didn't sit well and led to poor outcomes. Accept it and know that you can
learn and do better in the future.
Self-blame, for the end of the relationship, can go hand-in-hand with guilt. However, it can also
be an isolated experience. Guilt implies that you have done something that caused the end of the
relationship, whereas self-blame can arise regardless of your liability. Self-blame is a response to losing
confidence and self-esteem after a painful breakup. It involves talking down to or insulting yourself,
as well as discounting your abilities and magnifying your perceived weaknesses. This is not a good
headspace to be in, and it's important not to linger in this state for very long as you can begin to
believe it, and it can seep into all aspects of your life. Then you will start to sell yourself short and
accept things that may not be optimal or healthy. It is so important not to tie your sense of self-worth
to a relationship or the approval of a person.
Jealousy is another complicated emotion that comes up after relationships end. This is true
whether you are the one who ended it, or it was your ex-partner who terminated the relationship.
Seeing them with a new partner can be difficult. It can highlight unresolved feelings of attachment for
your ex. It is important to recognise this and to give yourself space to feel the pain. However, it is
necessary to separate your feelings of jealousy from your actions. Repeat to yourself that you accept
the breakup and that you wish your ex well. Remember that it didn't work out between you for a
reason and that it is ultimately healthier for you and your life to be separated from them. Try to
cultivate a sense of gratitude for the time that you shared and remember that you want the best for
them. Remember as well that they will have similar feelings when they see that you are dating someone
new.
Keys to Eliminating Negative Thoughts
Throughout this chapter, we have discussed various ways to try to eliminate negative thoughts
in the context of a breakup and the grieving process. This is an important aspect of making it through
the hardships of the loss of a relationship. Practising some basic mindfulness techniques and actively
interrupting negative thoughts can go a long way.
Mindfulness begins with quiet observation and detachment from emotions. It is the simple
practice of noticing and acknowledging feelings and trying to separate yourself from the active feeling
of it and reacting to it. Simply acknowledge that it is challenging and confusing, but you are not
weighed down by it. Perhaps try to appreciate the beauty of being human and experiencing the pain
of a loss, as opposed to having it consume you.
The mindfulness process can include observing how you react physically and mentally to
emotional stress. Understanding your reactions can help to cut off the negativity before it spirals out
of control. Often the negative thoughts and physical reactions create a feedback loop. The emotional
stress creates physical tension which in turn triggers the stress reaction in the body. Then when the
body is tense, it continues to trigger more stress reactions.
The practise of mindfulness is most effective when used regularly. The more habituated you
are to check into your emotions, and physical reactions, the more ingrained the ability to release the
tension and interrupt the cycle will become. If you are not accustomed to practising mindfulness, and
you are going through a breakup, it is best to begin the practice as soon as possible and use it often.
To begin the mindfulness practice, sit quietly and do a body scan. Bring your full awareness to
each part of your body. Notice if there is any gripping or tension in those spaces, and as you are
passing over each space, relax and release it. Take a moment to repeat the process throughout the day,
both when stress is present and when it isn't. Daily practice will allow you to become accustomed to
checking in and relaxing tense parts of your body. Over time, you will do it reflexively and will
eventually able to spot and release physical tension very efficiently.
Once you have scanned your body for tension, and done your best to release it, begin to focus
on your breathing. Just notice everything that you can about your breath. You don't have to make any
changes to your breathing, notice how long it takes to inhale and exhale. Notice if your breathing is
shallow and choppy, or deep and fluid. After about a minute of observation, gradually begin to deepen
your breath, try to fill it down into your lower body and expand your rib cage completely as you inhale.
For the exhales, try to empty your lungs and come entirely into the moment with your breath.
Essentially that is the simplest way to practice mindfulness meditation. As mentioned above,
you can practice this as often as you like, and in the beginning, while going through a traumatic
experience, the more frequently you can practice the better. There is no doubt that the more time
spent meditating and practising the more benefits you will receive. It always seems harder to settle and
focus when you're going through something tough; don't let that stop you. Everything will be difficult
when you're experiencing grief and depression, so you might as well try meditating. After some
practice, it will soon become much easier to settle into meditation.
Interrupting negativity comes naturally when you have established mindfulness practice. In the
same way that you become aware of emotional and physical tension in your body, with a regular
mindfulness practice, you also become aware of your thoughts and thought patterns in the same way.
As you develop that awareness, it becomes easy to spot and set aside negative thoughts.
Chapter Summary
•
Recovering from grief can be a long process.
•
It is important to be accepting and patient with yourself as you move through the grieving
process.
•
You might move forward and back in the stages of grieving before finally passing them.
•
Just because you have reached acceptance does not mean that you are completely over the
relationship or the pain of the loss, but it does mean that you will gradually begin to feel a little
bit better every day.
•
If you do not begin to feel better or move through the depression stage, you might need to
seek outside help from a trained professional.
•
Keeping a diary or journaling, mindfulness and meditation practice can be very helpful for
moving through any negativity and depression healthily.
In the next chapter, you will learn about the no contact rule and why it is important to avoid
contact with your ex.
Chapter Five: The No Contact Rule
The no contact rule is a simple and effective way to help you move on from your ex. The basic
principle is to eliminate all contact with your ex for a certain length of time. Depending on the
circumstances, you may have to maintain a strictly limited level of communication with your ex. You
should avoid all impulses to message, call, contact them on social media or observe them in person.
It's also best not to appear in places where you think you might see them (unless, of course, you have
no choice). You should ideally maintain this non-contact for as long as possible - but for at least thirty
days.
Why No Contact?
There are several benefits to following the no contact rule. For one thing, as mentioned above,
there are many hormones and neurotransmitters at play. These chemical messengers influence you
both as you fall in love and as you go through a breakup. Many of these hormones and
neurotransmitters are reward-based and can be triggered by interactions with your ex. It makes the
physiological consequences for communication with them like a response to a drug; it can cause a
brief high and then a low. Maintaining contact with them also causes physical and chemical reactions
to continue for longer. Cutting off contact helps to end the physiological responses more quickly, in
the same way as "going cold turkey" from drugs or alcohol works to cut off addiction more quickly.
Aside from that, maintaining a no contact period helps to avoid you going through an emotional
roller coaster as you have different interactions with your ex. When you are highly sensitive and still
working toward acceptance and letting go of the pain, every communication with your ex will cause a
reaction of highs or lows. It is essential to avoid contact, to prevent any bitter and negative feelings.
This is a significant way to find your centre and balance again after being thrown off by a breakup.
It is essential to focus inward and conserve your energy for your healing process. Maintaining
contact with your ex will inevitably keep you drawn into the negativity surrounding the breakup. It
will suck your valuable resources and prevent you from moving on.
So, maintaining a no contact rule gives you a chance to heal and focus on your own life. It takes
your thoughts away from your ex and brings you into your present. It also gives them a chance to heal
and let go of any hurt as well. This period of privacy means you can regroup and reflect on what you
want and what you need to do to get there. A period of no contact can even help a couple realise how
much they truly do value each other and the relationship. As a result, they might choose to rekindle
their relationship or become friends after a breakup.
What Does No Contact Mean?
No contact means precisely what it sounds like, completely avoiding or drastically limiting the
connection that you have with your ex. This includes all forms of communication such as texting in
any way, calling them, following their social media or looking at pictures of them. It also includes
refraining from going to places where you think they might be and avoiding "bumping into them".
Of course, certain situations preclude a total no contact period from happening. For example,
you may share custody of children and must coordinate childcare, or if you work together and must
act professionally in the office. In cases like these, keep the necessary contact as minimal as possible.
Stick to conversations directly related to what is required to make your situation function as smoothly
as possible. Do not discuss your relationship, the breakup or anything personal with your ex. Do your
best to compartmentalise your emotions and be sure to avoid or deflect any conversations that may
become extra emotional or triggering.
It is best to practice discipline and adhere to the no contact rule as strictly as possible until the
pain has subsided. It might be best to change your social media settings (to silence or even block your
ex). This action would depend on the level of interactions you both have on social media platforms.
Viewing images and updates via social media and text can trigger sadness. You might also consider
silencing or turning off notifications for their texts or calls if they are intrusive and upsetting.
As you begin the no contact period, it is also essential to cleanse your living space, car, and
office of all reminders of your ex. This includes removing clothing, personal care products,
possessions, photos, and other artefacts that either belongs to your ex or that you deeply associate
with them. It is best to do this sooner than later after the breakup. Many people are tempted to keep
either the personal or shared items of a loved one. This action could be part of the denial phase, as a
sense of comfort, or to maintain hope of reconciliation in the future.
During the no contact phase, it is also a good idea to stop going to the places that you
frequented with your ex. Instead, take this opportunity to discover new places that you can enjoy
hanging out. This strategy has a threefold benefit both for your physical and mental well-being. It will
help you avoid emotional triggers, like remembering times when you were with your ex. It will reduce
the likelihood that you will run into your ex in different places. Finally, it will get you out and into
situations where you might meet new people.
How Long Should You Maintain the No Contact Period?
The adequate length of the no contact period can vary depending on the length and intensity
of the relationship. It should be two weeks at the very minimum. And probably more like a month or
two for most breakups. The more prolonged and intense a relationship was, the longer the no contact
period should be put in place. In some cases, the no contact period can last months or even years, if
it is healthier for the people involved. Some ex-couples may never be in a place to communicate or
overlap lives in a healthy way ever again.
So how will you know when enough time has passed? Look out for positive signs of healing,
as a marker for ending the no contact period. For example, the physical and mental discomfort and
hurt you experience is no longer so painful because the healing process is well on its way. You can tell
that this is the case when you feel that if you see your ex, you won't become emotional or needy. You
feel that when you see them, you will be able to hold your ground and stay centred. There is one key
signal to look out for as to when you can take this step. You should be able to think coherently about
the relationship and your ex without getting emotional. Another indication that you could be ready to
resume contact is when your ex and the breakup no longer occupies your mind or consumes your
thoughts.
When you feel it might be time to end the no contact period, it's a good idea to proceed with
caution and move forward gradually. Try to slowly start visiting places that you went together in the
past. By visiting your old haunts, it would increase the odds that you might run into your ex. The
purpose is not to do this with the hopes of running into them. The purpose of the exercise is it know
that you will be okay if you do run into them. It's probably best to start there and just let things unfold
as they do naturally.
It's best to allow interactions to progress organically, and not go seeking communication or
social interaction with your ex. Next, you might begin to read and respond to texts and calls. As you
start to interact more with your ex continue to keep it casual, don't get into anything too personal or
talk about your relationship. If everything goes well as you're transitioning out of the no contact phase,
you could start to unblock your ex's social media. This can be a difficult one, as you may see things
that you are not ready to witness. It is easy enough to block them again as needed. If it causes you
stress, then it is probably not the best choice to start following them again.
Your ex may also choose to observe a no contact period; this is an excellent idea. This action
should make it more manageable for you both to maintain it. If that is the case it shouldn't have any
effect on you at all, keep your no contact going as long as you feel you need to. You will still want to
take the precautions of silencing their messages and blocking their social media.
If your ex doesn't choose to take a time of no contact, it can be more challenging to maintain
your boundaries through this period. In this case, it is best to shut off the notifications for their
messages and calls as well as all social media and other ways they might contact you. If they are
attempting to contact you, it's vital to make your feelings clear to them. You must let them know
straight away that you feel it would be healthier and would serve your healing process best if you
maintained a period of no contact. Let them know that you need the space to recover from the pain
of breaking up to heal and that you'll be refraining from communicating with them for a set amount
of time. It doesn't matter how they react when you tell them this. The worse the reaction is, the more
likely it is that you need to take the space.
Some experts use the no contact period as a way to get your ex back. However, it is more
effective as a strategy for getting yourself back in one piece. It is an opportunity to shut out potentially
stressful interactions with your ex. It grants you the chance to reconnect with yourself and heal
privately. It is possible that with time and space, you and your ex might view things differently and
choose to reconcile or work through the issues that previously kept you apart. Overall the no contact
period should be practised for its own sake and the benefits for you, not to try and play a game to get
someone back.
Chapter Summary
•
Taking a period of no contact with your ex is a good idea after a breakup.
•
The period of no contact could be from two weeks to many years.
•
You should avoid all forms of communication and interaction with your ex during this time.
•
Reintroduce contact gradually and check that you're feeling comfortable with it before you
proceed.
•
Do not move too quickly as you begin to interact with your ex; let your stress levels and
reactions guide you.
•
The no contact time is a chance for you to grieve and heal without being put into a stressful
situation with your ex.
•
The no contact rule is not meant to be a way to get your ex back.
In the next chapter, you will discover more about the process of moving forward. We will
discuss whether it is a good idea to stay friends with your ex after a breakup or whether it's best to go
your separate ways. We will also look at whether getting back together might be a good idea or not.
Chapter Six: Moving Forward - Remaining Friends
Whether or not you choose to remain friends with your ex can be a difficult choice. Many
factors can be examined to determine whether it is the best decision or not for you.
It seems that it is a relatively recent phenomenon for exes even to consider remaining friends
and remains a foreign concept to older members of society. There are many factors which seem to
have led to the rise of post-relationship friendships. These factors include women becoming more
active in workplaces and schools, as well as the more frequent use of the birth control pill. These
circumstances contributed to more friendships developing between members of the opposite sex as
well as more flux and flow of romantic relationships.
Staying friends with an ex can be tremendous and sometimes happens naturally, especially if
you and your ex were friends before you were romantically involved. For other ex-couples, it is
something to consider and work towards in the long term. However, it is certainly not for everyone,
and there are many situations which make it a poor idea to try to stay friends with an ex.
Friendship After a Breakup - Best Case Scenario
There may be many good reasons to stay friends with your ex, or at least on good terms. It is
especially true if you were friends before you entered a romantic relationship or have friends in
common. This might be especially true if you met through friends or within a group of friends. When
relationships begin this way, it is usually more important for both exes and for the other members of
the circle of friends of the former couple to remain amicable to reduce drama. Other reasons that
make it essential to stay friendly are when a couple work together or have children together.
Staying friends with an ex can take on many forms depending on the relationship, the comfort
levels, and needs of the people involved. In some cases, becoming friends after a breakup happens
very naturally. This is usually true if it was a very short relationship or a very long one that ended
because both people mutually agreed that they had outgrown the romantic relationship between them.
These are probably the best-case scenarios for remaining friends. These relationship dynamics make
it easier to stay friends with your ex.
In other cases, being friends may not happen right away, or it might require some mutual effort
to make it happen successfully. Of course, it's up to both people involved to decide whether or not it
is worth the work it will take to stay friends. All friendship can take some work at times, staying friends
with an ex will probably take more. You and your ex will both have to dig deep to get past any issues
that might arise. It will involve a process of overcoming the ego and forcing yourself to let go of bad
feelings and sad memories.
Some of the issues that may manifest themselves are navigating dating or new significant others
in your ex's life. This is a big issue that can bring up lots of unresolved feelings and reactions. It is so
essential to build a friendship with your ex on the right foundation. A central part of that foundation
is ensuring that the intentions are in-line with building and maintaining a friendship. Ulterior motives
such as staying close or hoping to get back together will sabotage a friendship. It will only prolong the
pain of genuinely accepting that the romantic relationship is over.
It is unlikely to be a successful transition from romance to friendship if one or both partners
are still romantically interested in the other or are trying to rekindle the romance. This will only cloud
the waters of a friendship or, at the very least, cause some emotional pain for one or both of the
people involved.
It is best to take some time and space to allow the grieving process to take its course naturally.
Rushing back into your ex's life and trying to become friends too soon can be detrimental to a real
long-term friendship. It might be a beneficial idea to try to build a friendship only after you have each
moved into new relationships. This way, you know that your friendship is not based on the hope that
you will be getting back together. You will also spare yourself the potential of an emotional upset or
poor reaction to the surprise of having your ex start a new relationship. You can process and move
on from the relationship this way and then build a friendship on a truly solid foundation.
In many ways, working toward having a friendship with your ex is a good thing to do because
it can force you to do the work to overcome your issues and move on more healthily.
How to Spot Toxic Red Flags in Toxic Relationships
Essentially, if you broke up, you broke it off for a reason. Most relationships fall apart because
the relationship was toxic, there was miscommunication, trust was broken, or the person displayed
toxic tendencies. If you broke up because you were feeling emotionally or mentally exhausted, looking
for reasons to stay together means that you ended it for a good reason. Deciphering whether or not
you should try to be friends should revolve around your ex's core personality. If the following signs
of toxicity don't ring a bell, then go ahead and become friends. However, if they do, you know it's time
to look for more positive and healthy friendships and intimate relationships, as explained in chapter
nine.
The underlying behaviours of toxic people are as follows:
Unapologetic
When it comes to the world of responsibility, you can rest assured that a toxic person doesn't
feel enough empathy to apologise for their harmful behaviour or actions. Instead, they play the victim
card, resorting to blaming others and justify their actions by projecting their faults onto you.
Resorting to Ultimatums
Have you ever been in a position where you have a choice to do something for yourself or be
convinced (or obligated) to stay with your partner all day? Often, they will be condescending in their
words to make you feel as if you have no choice but to submit to their directions. It is also known as
a manipulation technique so that if you choose to improve yourself, they can bring you down later.
Or, if you decide to stay, they can hold it against you next time an opportunity arises.
All They Know Is Manipulation
Toxic personalities are used to getting their way because it's worked all their lives. Maybe they
don't know any better, perhaps they do. They resort to manipulation tactics to get you to do what they
want or have it be your idea for their benefit.
You Find Yourself Questioning Your Beliefs About Them
One core aspect of a toxic person staying in control is that they never truly reveal themselves
to you. You may find yourself asking if this is who they are or if there is a deeper level to them. For
example, one moment, they might be charming, kind, and helpful. The next minute (or day) they are
abusive, condescending, and distant. The reason for this is because they want to remain in control by
keeping you on edge. It's an emotional rollercoaster.
You Are Always Doing Something Wrong
You can be honest about how you feel and get yelled at or made to feel guilty and insecure. Or,
you can hide and shy away from what you feel, just for them to find out later and you are still in the
wrong. Communication is lacking, and if you try to communicate with them, you may still end up in
the wrong, which adds stress to both yourself and your relationship.
They Fail to Support Your Dreams
If you have ever had an idea on how you can start a business, or maybe you want to go back to
school, you've probably shared that with your partner or friend. Then the worst happens, instead of
being supported, you hear "You think you can do that?" or, "Good luck with that, meanwhile I will be chasing
after things that aren't far-fetched." These words are not supportive, and they are hurtful because we take
advice from our loved ones. It leads us to believe we aren't deserving, good enough, or can ever
accomplish our dreams. A healthy person will encourage you to strive for the best.
They Are Not Good Listeners
This goes along with developing effective communication skills with your partner. To be an
effective communicator, you must always listen first and let the conversation run smoothly. Toxic
people are often too selfish or self-centred to listen to what you have to say.
When You Shouldn't Stay Friends
When considering whether you should try to remain friends with your ex, you must think about
what the relationship was like between you. It is essential to consider whether it was a healthy
relationship, or if it was a toxic or abusive influence in your life. Another consideration is why you
and your ex broke up in the first place.
If the relationship was unhealthy and toxic, you should probably consider that best to
completely cut ties with your ex and avoid trying to stay friends. Likely, the toxic behaviour and
interactions that took place within the relationship will spill into your potential friendship as well. If
your ex made you feel bad about yourself, called you names or was generally rude and demeaning it is
probably best to walk away. In the case that you work with your ex or have children with your ex who
treated you poorly, it is vital to create and maintain boundaries with them so that they don't continue
to treat you poorly or abusively in the future.
It can be very challenging to create and maintain appropriate boundaries with anyone. You
must take time to reflect upon how they made you feel, why you broke up, and why it is essential to
avoid contact or to maintain a friendship with them. Write down exactly how they made you feel and
why you are no longer in a romantic relationship with them. Follow this step by writing down what
types of interactions you would be comfortable with and what you would not. Knowing in advance
what you're prepared to accept in terms of interactions with your ex will help you be able to maintain
boundaries with them as situations arise.
Appropriate boundaries might include discussing specific topics or highlighting certain subjects
of conversation that you consider unacceptable. If your ex brings up something that you don't want
to discuss, you should have some ways to either deflect or politely but firmly decline discussing. It can
cause a negative reaction from your ex, especially if the relationship was unhealthy or toxic or if your
ex was abusive toward you. In this case, it is even more important to be firm with your boundaries
and keep your distance.
Creating boundaries in advance can go a long way to protect you from harmful interactions.
Still, there may be situations and interactions that arise which you did not foresee or plan for in
advance. It is essential to be patient and accepting of yourself and your reaction towards your toxic
ex. Allow yourself to regroup privately to plan appropriate boundaries for your next meeting. Even
when you have previously planned your boundaries, it's common that amid real-time interactions that
old patterns or habits can reappear. It might take some practice before you are truly successful at
maintaining your boundaries. Be patient and accepting of this process.
Chapter Summary
In this chapter, you discovered what a toxic person is, how to be friends after a breakup, and
when you should and shouldn't consider friendship with your ex. These are some things you need to
ask yourself before considering whether or not you should return to friends or not are as follows:
● Why did you break up with your ex in the first place?
● Did you have a healthy relationship, or was it toxic?
● Is it practical to stay friends with your ex?
● What are your motives for staying friends with your ex?
● Are you just trying to get back with your ex?
● Would you feel comfortable seeing your ex with new partners?
In the next chapter, you will master how to take care of yourself by changing your perspective,
appreciating your personal feelings, and focusing on your future.
Chapter Seven: Moving on Phase One – Coming To Terms That It’s
Over
Perhaps, there is one question that fills your mind - when should I move on? Moving on isn't
easy; it takes regaining inner strength, reclaiming your dignity and the rediscovery of the person you
were deep down before the relationship began. You might be wondering, should I throw out their
belongings or should I keep them? How do I become happy without them and by myself? What if I
never get over them? It can appear that your whole world has come crashing down when you first
break up (the five stages of grief). If you truly loved them and it didn't work out, the truth is that you
will always feel something for them. Trust that in time, your feelings will dimmer until they feel like a
distant memory. You may find yourself thinking about the good times and forgetting the bad. Do not
dwell on these thoughts for too long; otherwise, your recovery will take longer. This chapter will
answer most, if not all, of the questions spinning around in your head.
Part of moving on means that we need to cry, go crazy, make excuses, or think of ways that it
could work out. If only you didn't have to feel this way anymore. You imagine anything is better than
what you are feeling now. So, even if you must go back and experience the emotions and feelings of
a non-existent relationship, your ex will be there with you in your mind. At least you wouldn't have to
feel so alone anymore. Maybe, just maybe, the space between you has made things better, and you can
try again. You might start coming up with ideas of things you haven't done yet. While all this is okay,
the worst thing you can do is go backwards.
Indications that you are ready to move on include thinking about your life without your ex in
it. When you find yourself not so involved with visions of your relationship, and more with where
your career is going, what you're going to do with your friends, and trying new hobbies, you
acknowledge that you are progressing in the right direction. Almost everyone starts dating or talking
to new people shortly after a breakup, but that doesn't mean you are completely over your ex. There
is nothing wrong with getting out again, but the main reason why future partnerships can fail is that
you didn't take enough time to evaluate your situation and move on for yourself.
The process of moving on involves looking deep within yourself and working out who you are
without them. Ask yourself the following questions. What are your core beliefs? What makes you
happy? And why did the relationship fail in the first place? Jumping into another relationship too soon
can lead to disaster because you fall into the same relationship patterns. If your heart hasn't healed
from the previous love you were with, then you might find yourself blaming your current one for the
actions of your ex. It is due to a failure to root out painful triggers and work through them; any slight
symbol can make those memories flood back to you all over again. You may become distant,
uncommunicative, and see the dark characteristics of your new partner before the positive attributes
even reach the surface. Here are some guidelines on how you can start getting over a breakup:
Look at Things Differently
Once you have entirely accepted that the relationship is over for good (there is no chance you
are going back), you can start to change your perspective on the whole situation. At any time did you
adjust your behaviour for them during the relationship? What do you feel you did best in the
relationship? What are the things you would change if you could go back? Could you have handled
conflict differently? When you ask yourself these questions, you are reframing your mind to think
about what you learned and what you do and don't want in your future partnerships. Most breakups
are messy, but that's because we torture ourselves about them. We let ourselves dwell on the past and
try to control what is out of our control to fix. Everyone that comes into our lives changes and shapes
our future selves. Perhaps, before the relationship, you were a shy individual afraid to reach new
heights. Now, you might be outgoing and creative. Look at the positive things that have happened for
you and embrace it.
Recognise and Appreciate Your Feelings
The hardest part about moving on is dealing with the painful emotions that are present almost
immediately after a breakup. Most people push these feelings away because they hurt too much. It's
not healthy to hold onto painful emotions. All this serves to do is stop you taking responsibility for
your feelings because as long as you avoid them, they can't hurt you. However, pushing your
depression and anger away can result in adverse outcomes, including mental breakdowns, sleep
difficulties, and emotional outbursts.
When sadness creeps in, or violence starts to surface, it can seem like it's coming out of
nowhere, which is why you may brush them off. Instead, try to pinpoint the trigger behind your
feelings. Did you think about something that made you sad or angry? Did someone say or do
something to remind you of what your ex said or did in the past? When you find out exactly what
started the uncomfortable feeling, you can begin to recognise them by telling yourself these feelings
are going to happen. There isn't anything you can do about the past except to learn from it and move
on. If you need to bellow, let it out. If you need to scream, do so. Releasing the emotional energy from
your system helps you move forward with happiness and contentment.
Forgive Yourself
Often, we replay old breakups and confrontations in our minds. We think about what went
wrong, how we contributed to the fights, and why we stayed for so long. If we continue to settle on
these thoughts, it enables us to remain stuck in a slump without our ex. We think about how we loved
them and go back and forth in our minds about the relationship. Don't do this. Grieve over what you
need, let go of what isn't controllable anymore, and learn from what happened. Without them, you
wouldn't be who you are today and vice versa. Forgive yourself for staying stuck and start thinking
about how you can use what you have learned for your future.
Don't Wait for Closure
Sometimes we get closure, other times we don't. If you didn't get closure, try not to fret about
it. What's the most beneficial thing that could happen from getting it anyway? What is the worst thing
that could arise from getting it? Sometimes, moving on without closure is your best option. Otherwise,
you might be dragged back into a toxic situation. You might want to convince your ex to be friends,
or they might want to throw their new relationships in your face. Sometimes, all you can do is accept
that it's over, work through your issues and get closure. Journaling to yourself about what you expect
the closure to look like can help with the feelings you have bottled up.
Own Up to What Has Happened
When we are hurt and feel abandoned, we can make excuses as to why it's their fault. You feel
broken because of them. The fact is that it's over. Instead of playing the blame game, reframe your
thinking patterns by seeing it as you didn't agree, or you weren't compatible. Understand and recognise
that there were some good times, but also understand that without them, you have become a different
person, and it may just be that you grew apart instead of together.
Focus on Taking Care of Your Future
Many people maintain the best revenge is being happy without your ex. Stop holding onto the
past and start thinking about what you want for your future. Rebuild your life the way you want. You
no longer need to discuss what you want to do with another person. You no longer need to reschedule
or second-guess your actions. You are finally free to do as you wish and stand on your own two feet.
Now you have nothing keeping you back to achieve things you would never have done before and
discovering what truly makes you happy by finding your purpose in life.
With these guidelines, moving past a breakup should be more uncomplicated than your past
breakups. It's easy to feel paralysed and out of control when you first breakup, but when you get things
into perspective and learn from your past, you come out a better person in the end.
Out with the Old, In with the New
No, I don't mean with new people, although surrounding yourself with supportive and positive
people is beneficial, you must learn to walk before you run. So, one question remains - what do I do
with all their things? You may feel guilty for thinking of throwing them out or giving them away.
However, holding onto their belongings or waiting for them to collect it opens the door for more
heartache and getting into a situation you know isn't going anywhere. Discarding your ex's belongings
can seem like a significant burden to carry, considering all the work, money, time, and effort you put
into the relationship. It may start to feel like all of it was for nothing, but the fact is that the longer
you hang onto your ex's belongings, the longer their energy or presence will be there. Clearing out
their things can be the first or last thing you do, but you must cleanse your world of their belongings.
If you haven't called them or arranged for one of their friends to take their items, follow these
measures on how to do it with the least amount of pain possible.
Cleanse
The cleansing process is about figuring out whether or not you can handle holding onto certain
momentos. Some things are symbolic, and that's okay to keep, however, if you aren't ready to keep
those things close, let someone else hold onto it or purge them. The thing about freeing your space
of their items is that their possessions hold energy. You are holding onto a piece of them without
realising it. Although it can seem like they took a large part of you when you both decided to end
things, holding onto their belongings only causes more heartache and emotional pain.
Put It Away
Ever heard the saying "out of sight, out of mind?" You may not realise it, but when you hold
onto things, whether it be from your grandmother, your close friends, or an achievement you obtained
in your life, it becomes a reminder of memories. So, if you choose to keep a scarf you bought for your
ex, or a scrapbook you both worked on, keep it out of sight until you have fully moved on so that
when you are ready to remember, it won't be painful.
Be Creative
If you were in a relationship where you moved in together, it could be challenging to clear your
house of everything. For example, you may have accumulated some furniture like a bed, a couch,
chairs, and kitchen appliances. If your ex was the one who moved out, apply a fresh layer of paint and
keep the things you need like a bed (unless there is a better one you can afford) and kitchen appliances.
When it comes to your living space, replace old photos with new ones, collect original artwork, and
rearrange your house.
Say Goodbye
As previously mentioned, you shouldn't wait for closure but once you have achieved the
preceding steps, say a mental goodbye. Understand that this chapter in your life has ended and it's
time to start accepting new adventures and making positive memories. With each object, process your
memories, grieve over them and allow your emotions to come as they will. However, once you have
finished, throw it out, donate it, or put it in a box to drop off at their friend's or family's house. Again,
holding onto their energy is only holding you back from moving forward and saying goodbye.
As hard as it can be to move on, the process of shedding yourself of painful emotions and
recurring memories or flashbacks is beneficial for your healing process. There is no set time limit on
when you need to clear their physical and emotional reminders, but the sooner you get this done, the
better you will end up feeling. Every breakup has painful emotions that follow, so you can choose to
defer them, or you can grab the bull by the horns and deal with it right away. Setting up a sound
support system around you in these uncomfortable moments will assist you to stay optimistic and on
track with your goals. Often, we go through old belongings that are attached to our ex, and we let
those feelings control us. With a support team behind you, you won't have to struggle through it
completely alone.
How to Maintain Happiness While Being Alone After a Breakup
Being without your significant other after engaging and connecting with them for so long can
seem like an impossible task. For months or even years, you may have spent every night with them
with you in your bed. You ate dinner together, brushed your teeth together, showered together,
cleaned and watched TV together. Now it's like a mind-numbing silence has taken over your home
and your presence. While loneliness can be daunting and perhaps painful, going through this
experience is beneficial as it helps you get distance and find yourself again. Silence and standing alone
right after a breakup can scare most people because that's the time where thoughts creep in and
memories of your relationship tend to haunt you. But the matter isn't that you are alone or that the
silence has proven that you aren't with them anymore, but it's how you learn to cope with this newfound and estranged emptiness.
Be Patient with Yourself
Moving on and letting go takes time. Some people don't like to process feelings or the
uncomfortable silence of being alone. Often, they will distract themselves with toxic behaviours. There
is nothing like going out with the guys and flaunting you're single to get a date to mend a broken heart,
right? Wrong. Although getting out there and partying can be fun, don't make it a habit. It is the time
where you can enjoy being single and do things you couldn't do and wanted to before. It is the moment
where you are no longer being held back by anything or anyone. If you're going to have a lad's night
with beers and shooter games, do it. If you want to stay in with your beloved pet, do that too. It's
unhealthy to isolate yourself for too long, but as long as you are giving yourself much needed space
and time before diving in another relationship, you're doing things correctly.
Understand that you both tried everything possible to save the relationship. Maybe this is the
first time you broke it off or the eighth but what you need to realise is that ninety per cent of the time,
old habits will not happen unless both parties work on it. Even when both partners work on their
issues, there still needs to be space and distance separating each other. You must come to terms with
the reality that everything that you have tried to do to make things work has failed. Everything that
you omitted to do is just a lesson for what you can do in your next relationship. Come to terms with
the reality that you don't need to rack your brain for solutions, no more late-night arguments, and long
hours of feeling betrayed. Your primary focus now is to enjoy the freedom of being alone, without
the pressure to mend a broken relationship.
Come to Accept the Situation
Through the stages of moving on, grief, no contact, and second-guessing everything you're now
doing, you must recognise that there is nothing wrong with this process. Feel what you're going to
feel, replace your negative thoughts with positive ones, and find your destiny and real purpose. Life is
forever changing, and if you don't learn how to change with it, you will end up stuck in the past.
Acceptance comes with time and being patient with this matter will help you tackle each obstacle
individually. Moving on from your previous relationship means to live in the present moment. Reflect
on what went wrong and identify what can go better in your next relationship. Experience life as it is
and learn to accept that you cannot change the past. When you control things, you aren't going with
the flow or dealing with change; you are avoiding it. Avoidance leads to obsessive behaviours and
anxiety, which can be detrimental to your health and well-being.
Coping with loneliness after a breakup may be hard, but there are many benefits to having time
to yourself. Instead of dwelling on your breakup and heartache, ask yourself what you can take away
from the whole experience? If you loved your ex and understood them for who they were, then you
can see that you are capable of feeling and behaving this way. Give this type of love and acceptance
to someone who suits your life better. Give your attention to yourself in this healing time so that you
can be the best version of yourself for someone else.
The Benefits of Loneliness During Heartache
At the beginning of many new budding romances, couples will spend all their time together,
but this could be the worst mistake that two people could make. When you spend all your time with
one person, especially in the beginning, you start setting expectations for each other. When you are
friendly and charming towards them, you set the expectation always to be this way. It works the same
way, if they make you laugh and you connect on a deeper level, you start to see your future and will
expect this in the long run. When these expectations fall short, and the honeymoon phase starts to
end, the power struggle stage begins. During this stage, you battle boundaries, differences, and begin
to see different sides of the person, which helps you define whether or not things are going to last.
When they don't, you can fall into a devastating heartbreak and find it challenging to move on without
them. Loneliness is part of the process of moving on, and as much as it can feel uncomfortable and
can be painful, it's very beneficial. Here is why:
Leads to Self-Discovery
As mentioned previously, a breakup is something that can force us to learn and grow stronger.
When we can identify our emotions and distance ourselves from the breakup, we can seek guidance
and strength within ourselves. The chances are that you changed during the course of your old
relationship. What is it about yourself that you desire to change, and what is one thing you can take
away from your past experiences? When you are alone, you have time to process your thoughts and
work through your emotions. Keeping a diary can be a significant aid with this as you will learn in the
next chapter. Obviously, during a fight or disagreement, it can be easy to see what wrong they have
done, but when you take a step back and delve into silence, you can start to see your own mistakes. It
is an optimal opportunity for personal improvement because you end up seeing new perspectives and
shedding light on the purpose of your relationship. You can start to define what you don't want and
what you do want and how you are going to achieve it. It is all an on-going journey of self-discovery.
Being Alone Builds Spiritual Awareness and Inner Peace
If you are afraid of being alone, inner peace will be difficult to accomplish; however, when you
embrace the silence of being alone, you can overcome the feeling of emptiness. We spend a lot of our
lives busy with other people, commitments, planning, and managing our schedules. When we slow
down and take time out for ourselves, we can work out the triggers inside our minds that promote
hostility and impulsive behaviours. Take this time through your breakup to work on gaining inner
peace and spirituality. Take meditation classes or watch a meditative YouTube video. Maintaining an
open mind during this process is best when you explore new hobbies and your life's purpose.
Meditation and spiritual awakening has many benefits, including a decrease in stress, fewer anxiety
issues, reduction in negative thinking, and increased self-awareness.
Breakups Allow You to Spend More Time on Yourself
When you spend most of your time and effort working on your relationship (especially in the
end), you may have forgotten about yourself and what you need. This time alone can be the
opportunity you need to start working out again, joining a college class, or enjoying new adventures
and experiences. There is no time like the present to fully work on yourself and build the self-esteem
you may have lost during your intimate partnership.
You Gain so Much More Than You Realise
To wrap things up, walking away from a failed relationship can be the push you need to
overcome your insecurities and become the person you want to be for a while. Take the lessons you
have learned during your partnership. Use the pain of the breakup to look inside yourself and do what
you want to do. The saying goes, "hindsight is 20/20". Essentially this means it's simple to
comprehend the best action to take after an event has transpired, but it's challenging to foretell what
will happen tomorrow. So, while you are in the moment, you can make irrational decisions based on
how you think and feel. When you look back, you can view the relationship objectively from the
perspective of an outsider looking in, rather than being fully engaged on the inside. If you were to go
back to the relationship, everything you have learned might fall to pieces, and the strength and courage
to break free will have meant it was all for nothing. Don't let this happen when you can gain so much
more for yourself than you ever will in a toxic relationship.
When one door closes, another opens. Walking away takes courage, patience, and resilience. A
person can only accomplish this by spending a restorative period alone. That's not to say that you
should detach yourself as an excuse to break out of the depressing slump you are experiencing. You
still must take time to venture into the world because how else are you going to swim if you don't give
yourself a chance to enjoy what the world has to offer. It's time to meet new people, gain
independence, and walk away stronger and wiser than you were before.
When to Seek Professional Help and Guidance (When Nothing Else is Working)
Some breakups are more manageable than others to process. You could have loved someone
deeply and did everything you could, but you just weren't compatible so it forced you apart.
Sometimes, it could be that you and your loved one were completely happy, but your lives were going
in different directions. Whatever the case is, these types of breakups can lead to deeper problems like
depression, heightened anxiety, and obsessive and impulsive behaviour. Besides, you may not realise
you possess codependent or narcissistic traits that created a dysfunctional partnership. Regardless,
some heartbreaks are just too difficult to fathom, and your world seems to be falling apart more than
it should. In this circumstance, you may want to seek professional guidance to understand and
recognise unhealthy traits about yourself. Some questions to ask yourself while thinking if you should
find a counsellor are:
Am I struggling with Moving on Because of Something in My Past?
The point about relationships is that when we don't take the time to heal when they end, we
tend to repeat any abusive or toxic patterns in our next one. Holding onto the past can make you
dependent and impulsive as you strive to get what you need through someone else. You may have had
a traumatic childhood or have witnessed unhealthy relationships growing up. Most toxic relationships
stem from what we see in our parents. It increases the chances of being with a version of our parents.
If they were abusive or neglectful, you could turn to your future romances for attention which may
end in abusive methods of dealing with conflict because you never learned how to resolve
confrontation in a healthy manner.
Identify your Attachment Style
Figuring out the way you attach to people can be a determining factor in why you are
experiencing considerable difficulties walking away. The anxious attachment style is where you cling
on to the past, dive into unhealthy habits during a heartbreak, and ultimately cannot move past this
experience. Other attachments styles can have you confused about what you want and what you don't
want. For example, another attachment style may be that you are dismissive. It means that you feel as
though you might lose someone or that they might disappear, so you emotionally disconnect as a way
to not become hurt in the process of a breakup. A dismissive attachment style means that you avoid
getting close to people because you have a difficult time processing your emotions, so you avoid them
instead of facing them. Attachment styles are unhealthy because they don't allow you to move forward;
instead, they develop insecurities and profound issues of low self-esteem.
Why Am I Emotionally Drawn to My Ex?
It can be a challenging inquiry to answer without the help of a professional. However, one of
the reasons you may feel emotionally drawn to your ex could be that you felt comfortable with them.
They could have enabled unhealthy habits, or it could be about physical touch and closeness that you
hadn't received as a child. By working through these profoundly emotional issues, your therapist will
be able to help you find the trigger and recover.
Why did This Relationship Hold so Much Power Over Me?
Sometimes we can believe that it's the relationship that made us who we are or the individual
we were with that brought out the best in us when, in reality, it could be quite the opposite. It's
something within yourself that you looked for in the relationship that made you feel empowered. Now
that they are gone, a sense of emptiness and longing has taken their place. A therapist can help you
resolve these issues to help you seek true empowerment within yourself.
Are These Feelings I Am Experiencing About My Ex or Myself?
Goodbyes are always painful. Stepping aside from a relationship is hard at the best of times,
but sometimes, grief and loss last longer than they need to. There could be something personal you
were holding onto in the relationship. Now that it's over, so is part of your former self. Another
problem could be that you may feel as though you will never find a "perfect" relationship like the one
you just experienced. Maybe, you falsely believe that you are unlovable if someone like them could
walk away from you. Your counsellor will help you heal and resolve these feelings and emotions so
that you can process what's happening inside yourself and overcome the darkest parts of letting go.
Sometimes breakups can lead to mental health issues, and when you seek help from a counsellor
or professional guide, you can start to break through the layers of why it's challenging to move forward.
Instead of asking yourself if you will ever move on or how you can endure this heartache, give it time
and seek help when things become too overwhelming.
Chapter Summary
• What it feels like to move on from a relationship.
• How to take steps to feel more secure through the breakup process.
• How being alone is helpful and needed in the moving on process.
• When and why you need to seek professional guidance.
In the next chapter, you will master how to break through your slump and create the best
version of yourself. You will learn how to distract your mind and move forward through the grieving
process. When all else fails, mastering meditation, journaling, and exercise methods are the best ways
to help find your true self.
Chapter Eight: Moving on Phase Two - Choosing the Best Version
of Yourself
To choose and create the best version of yourself, you must first evaluate who you are and what
makes you unique. Everything you have learned thus far has led you to this chapter. It has led you to
break through the painful emotions and take steps to move on from your previous relationship fully.
Now, it's finally time to work out who you are so that you can display the best version of that image.
Sometimes we can lose what is most important to us through challenging experiences. Often,
we may wonder what more there is to life. What is our purpose? What makes us the way we are? Why
do we think the way we do? The hardest questions of them all are, who am I? and what do I want in
life? A lot of the time, the most challenging step in working all this out is where to start looking. Well,
initially you need to ask yourself some questions, investigate your past (non-judgmentally), then decide
what makes you feel good about yourself. Let's begin:
• If you knew you would be successful without failure, what and who would you become?
• If you could describe yourself to an employer and make a good impression, what would it be?
• What are your core values?
• What makes you happy?
• If you had an infinite quantity of money, how would you choose to live your life?
Now that you have asked yourself some tough questions and took the time to pick each one
apart, you should have a better sense of who you are. The next step in defining yourself is to look
back on past experiences and see how you got to this position in your life.
How Do You Deal with Stressful Situations?
When we suffer through hardship, we become vulnerable and emotional. Think back to a time
where you endured a tough experience, maybe a car crash or saving someone from an accident.
Possibly you went through a stressful and traumatic experience. Think about how you reacted in these
moments, were you strong and resilient, or retiring and hidden?
How Do You Behave When You Are Angry or Upset?
Do you lash out in anger and say things you don't mean? Do you play video games and avoid
confrontation at any cost? Do you sit down and talk about what went wrong or why you feel the way
you do? How you act when you are upset can speak volumes about your character. Sitting down to
process your thoughts before you talk about them shows maturity, whereas blowing up or avoiding
your emotions shows an underlying issue that needs resolving. If you have difficulties with anger or
depressive episodes, you may want to identify the triggers and have them supervised with counselling.
If you can self-regulate, you show that you are positive and will attract positive influences in your life.
Evaluate How You Treat People
Do you try to please or impress those more influential than you to try to get ahead? How do
you handle those less fortunate than yourself? If you pay more attention to the people who are in a
higher position than yourself, you may come off as superficial, self-centred, and self-absorbed. Johann
Wolfgang von Goethe once wrote, "You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can
do nothing for him." Think about how you genuinely treat others. The way you want to appear or perceive
that you appear may not be what others feel or believe. For example, you might think you are being
honest, genuine and kind, but someone might perceive your attitude as ingenuine, condescending, and
rude.
How Do You Behave When No One Is Watching You?
Are you vengeful? Do you have a wardrobe full of secrets that no one else knows? Are you a
morning person or a night owl? Are you silly and creative when you are by yourself, or depressed and
destructive? How you behave when no one else is watching you can be the tell-tale of what type of
personality you have. It can be so easy to appear charming or to behave in a way you think others will
appreciate. However, when no one is around you, you are in your most relaxed state. If you act
differently in front of others than while you are alone, you are generating self-sabotaging harm and
internal chaos. Maybe you are afraid of being completely authentic in front of others. You worry about
being judged for who you are on the inside rather on your outside appearance.
Determine the Company You Keep
When becoming romantically involved with someone new, we all tend to have a "type" of
person we chase or go after. Often, our relationships reflect who we are as individuals. If you chase
after and are attracted to toxic personalities, you might also have a toxic character. If you try for
positive and optimistic people, you might be more stable and healthier yourself. As the saying goes,
dogs who lay together share the same fleas. A group of friends who play together share the same
interests and characteristics. Determine if there is a pattern in the company you keep and identify what
the similarities are. When you find the main element of interest or personality trait, you may have a
clue as to who you are.
Examine the Way You Handle Failure
Are you resilient and get right back up when you make a mistake? Do you take ownership of
your wrongdoings? Do you find you struggle under pressure or take a while to build yourself after
making a mistake? Everything you do, every choice you make, every interest you have, every
relationship you experience, and every conflict you deal with or how you carry yourself can vocalise
who you are. If you are still trying to work out who you might be, it may be a good idea to take online
personality tests. The more knowledge you possess about yourself, the easier it will be to find your
purpose and be the best version of yourself. It is vital for the future and your next loving relationships.
Rebuild Your Self-Esteem and Improve Your Self-Worth After a Breakup
Whether you have been with a narcissist, someone who struggles with an anxiety disorder or
depression, a codependent person, or a stable individual; all intimate relationships have the potential
to cause damage to your mental and physical well-being. You may have questioned yourself or
developed a sense of insecurity you never had before. Your self-esteem levels may have dropped along
with the confidence to believe that you are worthy of success and fulfilment. When you are newly out
of a breakup, you are likely to experience painful memories and have a difficult time coping with your
emotions. For whatever reason that you broke up, now is the time to rebuild yourself and get back on
your feet.
Pamper Yourself
Give yourself as much time as you need to grieve and move on. The worst thing you can do is
hide under your covers or distract yourself with games and work. Take this time to pamper yourself.
Travel to a new city or go on a road trip. Get a massage or take up a hobby. See an action movie or
take longer in the shower than usual. Whatever you didn't have time for before, do it now.
Don't Jump into Another Relationship Immediately
The most harmful thing you can do after a breakup is latch onto someone else -- particularly
when you haven't taken the time to heal and process your feelings about the breakup. The reason you
shouldn't date right away is you may be experiencing raw emotions, and anything someone else does
can trigger you, setting up your relationship up for failure. Before diving into a new partnership, figure
out what makes you happy, and work towards that first. That's how you can build your self-esteem.
Also, you may find that when you take the time to focus on yourself, you will respect yourself more,
which helps others learn how to respect and treat you properly.
Restructure Your Life by Taking Care of Your Mental State
Your sense of security and mental health may have suffered due to the constant effort of trying
to make things work in your previous relationship. You may be feeling exhausted and don't know
what to do next. Restructuring your life entails doing things that help you heal from a broken heart
and build confidence in the next step of your life. Working out and going to the gym gives your body
the oxytocin and endorphin rushes that you got in your relationship through intimacy. Keeping a diary
helps you form new ways of thinking and gives you the distance from your exhausted mindset.
Meditation enables you to reconnect to your surroundings at this moment while developing a new
sense of spirituality to make you feel "whole" again.
Challenge Your Pessimistic Behaviours
Negativity stems from within you. Learn to say no to unwanted behaviours, thoughts, and
situations. "No, I won't feel bad about myself." "No, I won't promise anything to anyone unless I'm confident I can
keep it." "No, I will not permit myself to go back to them to be abused more." If you need to say these out loud
for your mind to get the point, do so. Now is the chance to work on your body through exercise, work
on your brain through nutrition and positivity, and work on your future by finding your life's purpose.
Don't blame yourself or them for what you are experiencing, learn from it. Don't fall into the
belief that you cannot be loved; fall into the idea that you love yourself. If you genuinely want to be
resilient when it comes to the emptiness your ex has burdened you with, you need to break through
this slump and stay strong. The best way to achieve this is by building yourself up to your true
potential.
Learn to Be There for Yourself Like You Would for a Friend
Make a list of your positive strengths and behaviours and read this list every day. Consider what
you love the most about yourself and why you deserve happiness? When you identify these things,
don't write words down that accompany someone else's view. Once you have finished, focus on some
things that you don't love about yourself (don't go overboard) and build your self-esteem by making
a conscious effort to work on these areas. For example, if you don't love the fact that you can be quite
selfish at times, make it a goal that every day, you will do or say something more selfless for others.
Work-Out - a broken relationship can take a massive toll on your body and make you feel
fatigued, mentally exhausted and depressed or lazy. When you force yourself to become active to deal
with the pain, you may find that working out can help you recover. Some benefits of getting regular
workouts include:
New Routines - whether you work out in the morning, or you finish with a jog after dinner, a
routine surrounded by exercise will automatically get the ball moving to do other healthy things. You
will find that you can balance your time with meditation, downtime, eating right (because you need
the energy to exercise), to feel more confident.
You Feel Better - nothing says success like a positive attitude, a successful life, and a rocking
body. If you didn't have a work-out schedule during your relationship or if you didn't have time to,
you can feel better about taking the time to do it now. Muscle training and oxygen intake send
beneficial chemicals to your brain, which releases healthy hormones to your body. It causes your body
to fill with a mixture of testosterone, adrenaline, serotonin, and endorphins. This helps you to feel
more confident and in control.
Helps You Avoid Addictive Substances - no one wants to pick up a cigarette after an
exhilarating jog. When you work-out regularly, you must make sure that you are getting enough fluids
and nutrition so that you don't crash or become too sore. When you eat healthily and take care of your
mental and physical well-being in this way, you tend to avoid alcohol, partying, and drugs more often.
It can help to attract the right people into your life.
Reduces Stress - men have more testosterone in their bodies. When a woman is stressed, she
may cry, hide, or become a busy body; it's destructive. When a man is stressed, he is more prone to
avoiding his feelings, getting angry, and competing with everyone. When you work-out, these
unhealthy tendencies decrease along with your stress because you are releasing it healthily.
Exercising shouldn't feel like a burden; it should feel like an accomplishment. The same goes if
you are going through a break-up; instead of feeling low, and insecure, you can change your
perspective and thinking to become more resilient and motivated. After all, life is about striving
towards success and making something so that you can pass down your wisdom and experiences to
younger generations.
Keep a Diary
As a guy, it can be challenging to talk about our feelings and express ourselves, especially to
other people. Unlike women, we don't cry with our friends (we cry alone), we don't talk for hours on
the phone gushing about how bad we feel, and we don't seek support during our darkest moments
(although we probably should). Instead, we either bottle our feelings up, suppress them, or handle
them in our own time by ourselves. The practise of keeping a relationship or breakup diary can help
us release what we are uncomfortable discussing with others. Bottling emotions up and avoiding how
we feel is very damaging to our mental state. It is why writing our thoughts and feelings down is a safe
way to get out our anger, sadness, and pain. The gym, punching a bag, or becoming a partier, can only
release so much tension. It still leaves the problem that we aren't dealing with how we truly feel on
the inside.
Write a Letter to or About Your Ex-Partner
Writing may seem daunting or tedious, but it's very therapeutic in the sense that you can get all
your frustrations out. There is a difference between writing in a diary type format or writing a letter to
your ex. Write down everything you need to say, you wish you have said, and how you feel about the
breakup as well as when you were together. Whatever you do, don't send it. In this letter, you can
think about what you have learned and thank them for giving you a different perspective. In doing so,
it can give you more clarity on what you experienced, have learned, and what you can take away from
it. Once you have finished writing it, put it away, burn it, or delete the file if you used a computer to
write the letter. The letter is to help release any negative thoughts and mental clutter, taking space in
your mind. The goal is to make peace with the breakup and move forward.
Recognise the Things That Your Ex Said Out of Anger - It Isn't True
One thing is true when we are in the midst of a breakup or a nasty argument. You or your
partner may say things out of spite to hurt each other. Very often, your parting words spoken before
no contact took place could be along the lines of "you weren't good enough" or that "you will die alone."
Sometimes, these words stay with us until we believe them. Instead of letting these thoughts linger,
think about why they were said, and your position at that moment. The single person who defines you
is you. The only person who can make you believe anything, positive or negative, is you.
A lot of the time, arguments take on a competitive nature. An unhealthy disagreement can mean
that you or your partner were arguing to get your point across. When you look back on these
arguments, forgive yourself for being childish but also know that these arguments don't define who
you are or want to be. In the middle of it all, the chances are that you forgot or lost a part of yourself.
Taking steps to heal means listening to the cheerful voice inside your head.
Meditate
If you believe you have attempted everything, but nothing seems to work, you might be
experiencing a mental blockage. Meditation and deep breathing exercises work well for overcoming
the psychological barrier that leads you to feel broken. Meditation is healthy for awakening your
spirituality and unblocking your mind at the best of times, but why is it beneficial right after a breakup?
Helps You Distance Yourself from Your Intrusive Thoughts - when we pay too much
attention to our thoughts, we can feel consumed by them. Meditation helps us become aware of them
while not dwelling on them. Meditation enables you to realise that a belief is just a thought, and it
doesn't need to be more than that.
Improves Insight and Gains Perspective - with a mentality like the glass is half empty, you
can be sure to attract half-empty responses and situations. Meditation helps shift your perspective to
look at things in a more positive light because it brings inner peace and serenity to focus.
Increases Understanding - often, we don't understand why we broke up in the first place.
Meditation can help with developing an acceptance as well as understanding the dynamics of your
previous relationship. Through this mindset and awareness, you can focus on your future.
Reduces the Stress Response - when we are overwhelmed by things we cannot control, our
emotions and thinking patterns get the best of us. During meditation, we are put in a relaxed state
where we are fully conscious but distanced from our surroundings, our control, and our thoughts. The
practice helps to reduce stress, and over time, stress becomes more manageable as you get better at
practising in the moment strategies.
A Meditation Exercise for Heartbreak
So, with the benefits of meditation comes the practice of it. There are many exercises involving
meditation and many books or YouTube videos you can read or follow with guiding you into this
relaxed state of mind. However, there is one meditation in particular that is focused mainly around
heartbreak.
Step One: Sit up straight with your back up against a wall and your legs crossed.
Step Two: Bring your hands in front of you, elbows stretched out and palms together (with
your hands near your heart). Your fingers should be in sync with each other as well.
Step Three: Close your eyes (optional), bring your focus to the tip of your nose or the space
between your hands and your heart.
Step Four: Inhale for a count of five (or whatever feels most comfortable) and exhale for a
count of seven (two seconds longer than you inhale).
Step Five: Continue breathing like this with your eyes open or closed and create a mantra that
suits your situation. Some examples include;
"I am at peace, and all I have is this moment."
"I am thankful for my experiences that have brought me to this point in my life."
"I am who I am, and I am in control."
Repeat this mantra until you feel more relaxed and at peace with whatever is going on. It's best
to practice this meditation when it is quiet, and you have some time alone for a little while. Do not let
anything distract you, and if your mind starts to wander, notice it and bring yourself back to your
breath. To come out of the meditation, stop repeating your mantra, return to your natural breath, and
slowly open your eyes.
Develop Your Hobbies and Interests
Hobbies can be something that you like to do but don't want to spend your whole life doing.
When we are in relationships, we often let go of things we used to enjoy for the happiness of our
partner. Or, it may be that you no longer have time to dabble in what you might be interested in doing.
After your relationship ends, you have all the time in the world to figure out your interests and develop
a new hobby. The question is, where do you start looking?
If you are more of a thinker and like to spend time studying, then it could mean that you are
introverted and resourceful. If you wish to gamble and socialise any chance you get, it shows that you
are more outgoing and friendly or flirtatious. Are you a gamer? Do you spend your time reading
magazines and comic books? Do you take an interest in photography or writing? Would you prefer to
see a movie or go on a picnic? What kind of TV shows interest you the most?
Hobbies are part of a distraction while also making you feel better (not guilty) about doing it.
Try drawing a picture and see what you create. Try graphic designing or preparing reports on movies
and new TV shows. Arrange something that gets your mind off everything and makes you focus on
your task. Try a puzzle or brain toy from the store.
What was the last thing you did that made you forget to eat? When we do what we love, we can
forget about time because we are so involved with our task. Think about the last thing you did that
made you lose all sense of time and space. Was it tutoring, solving technical or electronic problems,
getting lost in a good book, or going on a nature walk while capturing pictures? Whatever it was, do
it again and stick to it.
When you go shopping, what do you buy that makes you feel guilty but also makes you feel
better? Is it toys that can fly? Did you purchase hand-knitted scarves in the past? Try knitting one
yourself (yes, guys knit too). Was it pieces of artwork? Why not join an art course? Was it shoes or
clothes? Try creating your unique style of fashion. Whatever it is, turn it into a hobby.
Have you always aspired to go mountain biking? Did you ever envision yourself as a
professional dirt bike or car racing? Have you ever visited a shooting range or gone fishing just because
you could? Sometimes finding a hobby is just as easy as diving in and giving it a try. Take yourself
down to the music or bookstore and gain ideas on what you can do. Try each one on a list and see
what motivates you the most.
When it comes to figuring out your hobbies and interests, it's best to evaluate what you are
good at and what seems most natural to you. Once you figure out what you excel at, you can determine
what you want to do with them. Maybe you could use your new interests in your career or keep them
as a hobby to do in your downtime.
Find Your Passion Through Your Interests
To fulfil your destiny and what you were born to do, you must first know yourself enough to
understand what makes you happy. Often, we are so busy with families, relationships, responsibilities,
and other daily commitments that we forget to focus on what's important to us. Don't be one of those
people who become stuck in a job that has no future growth opportunity, and you hate what you do.
Become a man who is proud of what he has accomplished and set yearly goals to reach your life's
destination. Being passionate about something and structuring it into a lifestyle is important because;
•
It motivates you.
•
It feeds your internal nature to be competent and productive.
•
It helps define who you are.
•
It pushes you forward to experience more adventures and opportunities.
•
It helps give you purpose.
It's best to set goals to accomplish your passion. It adds a visual outline for you to decide what
your next step is. Try creating a list of achievable goals to propel yourself towards realising your future
dream. For example, if you have always been a great leader, then look at a career in entrepreneurship
and management. If you work better alone, investigate freelancing. The possibilities are endless; it's
finding what suits you and that will keep you motivated towards success. So, where do you start in
setting goals for your passionate lifestyle?
Discover Your Passion
Quick, name the first thing that comes to mind upon reading this question: what do you love
to do? Was this easy to answer? If not, then you must do a little soul searching. What did you love to
do when you were a child? Is there something different you would like to try? Think of something
that you have done that you lost track of time doing.
What Are Your Inner Excuses?
People often use the excuse that they are too busy to comprehend their life purpose. What is it
that's taking up all your time besides your current job? What do you do right after work? Do you binge
watch TV series, scroll social media, plan events, make overloading commitments to others? Which
one of these tasks can you sacrifice to put more time into planning your future? Part of developing
and making a change is to overcome these obstacles and stop fearing success or failure. You are
inevitably going to fail and make mistakes, but failure is needed so that you learn resilience and
independence. Eliminate your barriers and make room for change and opportunity. That's the only
way you are going to live your dream.
One Step at a Time
So, you have picked something. Let's use becoming a pilot as an example. When you look at
the bigger picture, it can seem far-fetched and overwhelming to get there. Instead, try figuring out
what you can do or improve to at least get you in the door. Taking college courses might be an option,
as well as learning about flying and being a pilot. Once you have obtained some useful information,
the next step is to apply yourself. Take a college course or go to a financial advisor to help you save
for this career choice. Whatever you need to do, think about the very first step and then take one one
baby step at a time.
Adopt a Support Person
Do you know anyone that is completely honest with you, while also encouraging you to do
better? If you struggle with being your cheerleader, find someone who won't allow you to make
excuses. Be accountable and responsible for your success while staying focused on the target. Happy
and successful people don't reach their purpose or passion by making excuses and slacking on their
responsibilities.
If you desire to be successful in your motivation to succeed and accomplish your life's purpose,
you must know your reasons why. You need to determine your priorities and reward yourself every
step of the way. Taking on too much of one thing can be exhausting. Always remember to take a break
and relax occasionally. After a few months, look at what you have accomplished and repeat this
exercise every three months. Once you have seen your progress, it should help you become dedicated
to getting to where you need to be.
Chapter Summary
•
How to rebuild your self-esteem and feel worthy of it.
•
How to figure yourself out.
•
How to identify who you are.
•
Taking care of yourself through exercise, eating right, meditation, and journaling.
•
How to develop and achieve your hobbies by identifying your interests.
•
How to find and accomplish your life's purpose and passions.
In the next chapter, you will discover how to be ready for future relationships. You will be able
to recognise why your past relationship didn't work out and how you can develop your next one to be
prosperous and stable.
Chapter Nine: Moving on Phase Three - Future Relationships
Phew, that was exhausting, and now we are down to the final chapter. After all your hard work
up until this point, you have learned what happens when you go through a breakup, the five stages of
grief, when to have no contact, and whether it is best to stay friends or not. In the two previous
chapters, you mastered the process of moving on to get you to this final chapter of finally being ready
to experience a new relationship. When thinking of getting involved with someone new that you
connect with, it can be challenging to figure out what's next. What do you do on a first date? When is
the perfect moment to make a move? What are you searching for in a new relationship? This chapter
has the answers you need.
Now that you have built your self-esteem, changed your perspective, brightened your view, and
are chasing what you're most passionate about, you can look for someone that has similar interests
and goals as you. At this point in your life, you wouldn't want to be with someone who can suck the
life out of you. Chiefly, you are looking for someone who holds the same core values, sets firm
boundaries, and knows how to love themselves as you do. Mature relationships are the ones where
you can give each other space and freedom while also being fully able to trust each other. Of course,
this takes time, energy, and patience to get there, but essentially this is your future relationship goal.
Before any of these things surface inside your mind, you need to know if you are sure you are ready
to experience the intimate world again. Here are some signs showing that you are;
• You appeal to a like-minded individual - This type of person is not only independent and
loves themselves but is truly ready and available to share their lives with you.
• You are confident within yourself - You feel as though you don't need a relationship to
make you happy because you are confident that you are worthy enough to love someone else.
• You are fully independent - You have battled the silence and overcome the fear of being
alone and unloved. You have taken steps to become fully independent and are comfortable
with being in your own skin.
• You have become non-judgmental - Judgmental people are at war with the world and
themselves. When you are ready for another big commitment, you will have to let go of your
expectations of others and start to accept things as they come.
• You are happy being single - Healthy relationships come to those who aren't searching for
others to fill the void. When you are finally at peace with your feelings of being single, the "right"
relationship will fall into your lap. Focus on being yourself and shoot towards your dreams and
goals.
• You know what you stand for - you have gone over your values, set firm boundaries in place,
and are assertive with your wants and needs. You don't feel the need to settle for less than what
you deserve, and you won't let people walk all over you anymore.
• You feel empowered by your energy - everyone has a certain vibe and motive behind their
attitude. When you finally accept that you are your individual and you are fully capable of sharing
with the world, rather than being an emotional sponge, you are ready for a new love.
• You have accepted that the past is the past - you are over your last relationship, and you
no longer let it hold power over you. You have put in the work and entirely moved on from
your ex.
• You are no longer fearful - this means that you are open-minded and willing to take risks.
You are ready to go on new adventures and start the next chapter in your life. Fear is no longer
holding you back.
• You know what attracts you - by getting to know yourself, you can fully commit to
acknowledging what you become drawn to in a potential partner.
If you get to a point where you start feeling those signs of being completely free from your ex,
then you are ready to take the next step. Don't let your desires trick you though, just because you want
to be happy single, be honest with yourself when you aren't. These signs will develop over time, but
that is part of the moving on process. Now it's about discovering what you are looking for when the
time is right.
Finding Your Definition of the "Perfect" Partner
Everyone has their vision of an ideal partner. Some people want someone to take care of, while
others wish to find someone who is fully independent and can look after themselves. Setting
boundaries and being assertive in your quest to find or stumble upon love is essential to spot the ideal
qualities in someone. Upon meeting someone, you need to figure out what attracts you to them. Is it
their maturity or the fact that you can laugh with them? Can you be yourself, or does something feel
off? Determine the deal-breakers and evaluate their needs and yours. It's important not to jump into
a relationship with someone until you get to know them on a deeper and more personal level. Find
out precisely what you want and if it's going to work in the long run before committing to anyone.
Take this opportunity to re-read an old letter or diary entry about your ex. It may be tough, but it will
help you understand what you didn't like about your previous relationship. To assess your deal
breakers, you must compose a list of the conditions that are unacceptable for you in a future
relationship.
A list example of deal breakers qualities might be:
•
Having anger issues or deep insecurities about oneself.
•
Dishonesty.
•
Having an STD or other contagious health issues.
•
Addictions - such as smoking or drinking.
•
Inadequate level of personal hygiene.
Think of the core values that can never be compromised. In relationships, it can be easy to
sacrifice things for the other person to make them happy. However, when you compromise your own
beliefs, you fall into toxicity. The only time where you should compromise your values is if you feel
they need to be changed, not because someone else gives you ultimatums.
Consider the Past
It is unhealthy to stay rooted in the past. However, it is healthy to evaluate the past and define
what you have learned through your previous experiences. When done accurately, you will be able to
recognise your triggers and reverse your earlier habits before it grows out of control. When you think
about what happened in the last relationship, try to think about the causes of the breakup. Every
relationship is different, but it's best to keep these previous experiences in the back of your mind so
that you don't repeat the same mistakes.
Look at Other People's Love Lives
Has your friend come to you about their love life? Have they shared their personal opinions
about their partner? Don't be too humble to take the same advice you give to others. For example, a
buddy of yours might come to you and say that their girlfriend never appreciates the things he does
for her. You might ask why, and his response might be that he buys her roses, sets up dates, and takes
care of the kids, yet she never notices because she constantly complains that the house is a mess or
that he is lazy. If things continue, you might tell him that the best thing to do is to sit her down and
ask her what it is that she expects him to do. Make a list of the things he does do and bring this piece
of information to her because it shows an effort and goal to make things better. When in a new
relationship, you can recall this piece of advice and use it in your own love life. To assess your needs
in the next relationship, you must;
Think About What Type of Relationship You Want to Have
Some people think they want a casual relationship, yet deep down, they are natural hopeless
romantics. Other people think they want a committed relationship, but in truth, they aren't willing to
put in that type of effort. Define what you are looking for so that you don't trick or trap yourself.
Once you know this, find someone with a similar outlook, so no one gets hurt.
Upgrade Your List of Deal Breakers
The next step is to examine your deal breakers and work out what you want and need to have
a successful, loving relationship. Add the qualities of the person you are looking for to this dealbreaker list and then make another list of traits that you could "live with" if you needed to. For
example, if one deal-breaker was to be completely open and honest no matter what, look for someone
exhibiting these honest traits. Someone who is blunt, not afraid to be themselves, and shows
vulnerability and genuine interest could be completely honest.
Find the Ideal Partner by Becoming the Perfect Partner
When you become the person you are looking for, you can see if your expectations are realistic.
To assess the dating field and find your dates, you could start by;
Get Out and Socialise
With no judgements, expectations, strings, or commitments, this part of the process is about
playing the field. Don't be afraid to be yourself and see how others react to you. Make sure that you
communicate the fact that you are only casually dating. Try to be honest and don't lead people on
when dating.
Figure Out How Compatible You Are
Say you have one or maybe multiple people you have set your sights on, and you are ready to
take it to the next stage. Spend more time individually with each person and return to your list. Which
individual suits this list the best? Who can you relate to on a deeper level? Who can you be yourself
and comfortable?
Envision Your Future
Try to envision a life with this person. What kind of parent would they be? What type of
communication do you have? How honest have they been, and do you trust your heart with them?
Try spending a weekend at each other's homes to see what type of habits they have in their comfort
zones. Are they messy, obsessively clean or somewhere in the middle? Are there any pet-peeves that
you cannot ignore? Again, go to your list to see if what you wrote down matches how you feel now.
Communicate
Honesty and communication are essential and potentially, the most crucial part of any healthy
relationship. So, at this point, you should be compatible with one person (if not two). The next step
is to sit down and have a conversation about the future. Talk about both your wants and needs and
get their opinion on what their deal breakers are. If at any time you find yourself struggling to talk to
them or be open, it might be wise to take a little more time before moving forward.
By adopting these steps from start to finish, you will inevitably end up with your "perfect" or
ideal partner who understands your needs as much as you understand their needs. Through the dating
process, make sure you invite them to meet your friends and evaluate how they talk about their family.
Make sure to watch for signs of toxic behaviour.
What to Expect on Your First Couple of Dates?
First dates are exhilarating while at the same time, nerve-racking. You get to the stage where
your relationship has flipped from friends to romance. Your palms are sweaty, you second guess
everything you say, you stumble on your words, and you feel giddy or have butterflies that tickle your
stomach. If you have practised the steps above to get to know this individual, chances are you are
both feeling the same thing, so take a deep breath and relax through the first few dates. After all,
nothing has been set in stone yet. It could be a new sense of curiosity to an unexplainable connection
that you haven't sensed before. However, all budding romances can feel like this because of the
attraction and emotional high you get from the attractiveness. There is still so much to learn about
each other. One point to keep in mind is that the reason it didn't work out with your ex is that you
haven't met or found the right person yet. Sometimes, people meet because they were destined to
teach us a lesson or help us gain a particular experience. Here are a few points to look for while on
your first few dates:
They Entice You into Their Orbit, and You Want to Know More - when we meet someone
who we are curious about, we tend to want to know everything about them. Wouldn't it be awkward
if you had nothing to talk about and your connection just wasn't there? If you are new to the dating
field, pay attention to your level of curiosity about them. It is a sign that you are both drawn to each
other, and there is a mutual connection.
You Have Matching Values and Beliefs -it can be hard to find someone with matching
views and perspectives. It's unusual to find someone who sees the world exactly as you do and finishes
your sentences but is unique and different in other ways. This type of attraction shouts openness and
a successful future.
There Are No Red Flags - it can take some time before red flags start popping up, but if you
haven't noticed any within the first five dates, this is a good sign. However, make sure that you are
firm in your deal-breaker list. Don't let the feeling of romance sweep you out of using your rational
judgement.
Others Notice Your Connection - with some people you introduce to your friends and
family, you might hear some feedback like "she is good company." Or, "I think you guys make a cute couple."
But you don't usually hear someone say, "you guys are perfect together." Or, "I have never seen you act this way
with anyone else." When you can be yourself, and they can mirror you without feeling the need to hide,
it means they fit in with your lifestyle, and things come naturally. These are the relationships you want
in the long run.
You Feel Comfortable Showing all Sides of You Without Fear - sometimes, you meet
someone and are unsure of how they will react when you are upset or become angry. Other times, it's
like you don't even think twice and you can show them your vulnerable side. On the first few dates,
introduce something new to see how they handle new information. Each date brings a different side
of you to the table. A future love must be able to accept the challenges to come and stick by your side
when things get a little rocky.
When you become exclusive in dating your partner, ask yourself a few questions as you reach
each date;
•
What do you have in common?
•
Can you see a sexual or physical relationship with them?
•
Can it be more than friendship?
•
Is communication going smoothly?
•
Are you both open, vulnerable, and honest?
•
Do they genuinely appear interested in you, or is the connection between you forced?
•
Do you feel rushed or relaxed?
•
How do they treat others around them?
•
Do they glare at strangers?
•
Do they have a welcoming presence?
•
What is their general vibe?
•
Can you naturally talk for hours, or is there an awkward silence and pauses?
•
Are you having fun?
•
Can you break out of your nervous shell easily, or are you cautious for a reason?
You Feel Fireworks - There are butterflies, and then there are fireworks. Everything in you
wants to know this person; you see a future without even understanding why, and you are both
comfortable right off the bat as if you have known them before but never met. Fireworks are
happening, and they are different from other connections you have had before.
Not every date is going to be smooth sailing. On the off chance they are, count yourself lucky
and grateful to have found someone so enticing. Amid all the excitement, don't lose sight of yourself
and be aware of what you are feeling, thinking, and how you are acting. The easiest way to tell if you
are getting what you are looking for is how comfortable and confident you feel with them.
Toxic Relationships vs Stable Connection
Although things may seem all sunshine in roses, in the beginning, some clear signs may pop up
later in the relationship that someone is taking advantage of you. You must recognise what is healthy
behaviour, and what is toxic so that you don't end up heartbroken again. As much as heartbreak is
sometimes inevitable, you can do your best to spot signs of toxicity and reverse abusive ways before
entirely giving up. If you have learned anything from your past though, after the first few signs of
toxic behaviour and poor communication, and failed communication, ask yourself what is worth it to
you. A broken heart or an unloving relationship.
We all slip into that trap at one point or another in our lives. You know, the relationship that
seems perfect and real in the beginning, but as the relationship takes flight, subtle signs of abuse take
place. You ignore it, avoid it, justify it, and make excuses for them, but then one day you find yourself
fighting every day. Men especially get taken advantage of because women see us as protectors. It can
feel like we are expected to read their mind, which is a sign of toxicity, and usually happens within the
first three months of a new relationship. Here are some red flags to keep a note of within the beginning
stages of a committed relationship that will tell you if things will last - or not:
Lack of Active Communication
When you were getting to know each other, everything seemed glorious. You were both open,
vulnerable, realistic, and honest. Now, as time moves on, you may start to notice your level of
communication slipping, which leads to conflict and added miscommunication. Your partner may not
text you as much; they may not flirt as much; they seem unpredictable and inconsistent now. Things
are evolving and not for the better. When this happens, it's more than likely that your new partner is
becoming comfortable in the relationship, so they are starting to show their true nature. Pay attention
to these subtle differences as they may seem small now, but later it could be a big problem.
They Behave Differently
You are nearing the three-month mark, and by this point, you both should be reasonably
comfortable with each other. You know they are afraid of the dark, they know you worry too much.
You have come past the point of getting to know each other, and now you are entering the "will this
last?" phase. The three-month mark is when you should stop playing little games with each other and
start becoming serious. It's the time where serious talks start happening, and it's the make it or break
it point. If your partner starts acting differently than in the beginning, it could be a sign of failure. In
every relationship, no person should ever stop trying to win the affection and support of the other
person or stop trying to make an effort. By the third month, relationships may fail due to underlying
attitudes and behaviour traits. Figure out during this stage what's changed and define whether or not
it's big or something you can talk about and get through together.
Your Partner Doesn't Notice or Appreciate the Small Things That Matter
A healthy relationship involves small things. One day you may light candles and run a bath for
them, another day, they might surprise you with dinner and a movie. Maybe it's that they know you
love a particular brand of chocolate bars and they love lottery tickets. You both make an effort to do
these small things for each other to keep the romance alive. However, when it suddenly stops, it means
they have gotten too comfortable and stopped trying. It could be a warning that the relationship is
about to fail. If the small things cannot be given attention to, how can you expect the big things to
matter too?
You Don't Know Where Your Future Is Going Anymore
In the first months of the relationship, you may have talked about your dreams, goals,
ambitions, and your plans. As you grew together, they became supportive in your quest for success,
and you have for them as well, which is healthy. But, if you find yourself questioning your future, you
may be looking at a future alone.
You Start to Question Their Priorities
You can't expect them to put you and the relationship above their family and personal needs.
However, you can expect them to make time for you, speak to you about near-future plans, and to
schedule necessary quality time. If they make excuses like they are too busy, it might be time to
investigate. For a healthy relationship to be successful, you must both give and take and make your
relationship a priority.
Remember that even with these warning signs of a relationship failure, comes communication.
If you trust them and are willing to put in a constant effort to make it work, you must be comfortable
with having difficult conversations. You both need to be on the same page most of the time for a
relationship to be healthy and successful. Some of these warning signs are not critical to leading to a
failed relationship, as there could be genuine reasons things have changed. However, as long as you
openly communicate, and you express your feelings about it, your relationship should last.
Here is a checklist to make certain your relationship is healthy and to give your ideas
on how to keep it that way:
•
You aren't afraid to express how you feel when you feel it.
•
You give each other space.
•
You trust each other and don't develop any doubts.
•
You can easily compromise and be assertive and firm with your boundaries.
•
You respect each other's values and boundaries.
•
You check in with each other on a healthy level (you don't go looking for the truth - instead
you trust them that they will be truthful and honest with you).
•
Arguments are not competitions. You both can pick your battles and let small things go.
•
You are happier more times than not.
•
You support each other's hopes and dreams.
•
You encourage each other towards success and lean on each other when mistakes happen.
•
You are best friends.
•
You understand and love each other for who you are.
•
You both put time and energy into the relationship as if it were your last.
As much as you can try to avoid toxicity and fighting, it is bound to happen sooner or later. As
much as you strive towards a healthy relationship, you are lucky when it happens. Through all the
challenges, good times, and times apart, the goal of a relationship is to support one another and always
make an effort to make each other feel loved, appreciated, and cherished. Healthy relationships are
the ones where even though you are mad at each other, you both don't envision a life with anyone
else. When you finally find this type of relationship, consider yourself the luckiest man on earth and
embrace every moment.
Chapter Summary
•
How to know when you are genuinely ready.
•
What is your perfect partner?
•
How to find out what to look for on a first date (or the first few).
•
The warning signs of a failing relationship.
•
The core aspects of a successful and healthy relationship.
Final Words
As you have discovered in this book, it can be easy to fall into unhealthy habits and patterns of
a failed relationship that you never manage to get over. Through my own experience with heartache
and emotional pain, I wrote this book for men struggling through the same heartbreak. If you are
going through a breakup right now, then the knowledge provided to you in this book is sure to get
you back on your feet. The thing about heartbreak and relationship pain is that you need to feel the
emotions as they come out before you can reliably take the steps to recovery. At first, you may appear
in denial and go through the five stages of grief, but once this process has run its course, you can
finally feel acceptance. Once acceptance takes place in your mind and your heart, you can move on to
the three phases of recovery: self-care, building the best version of yourself and ultimately moving on
to new relationships.
I know from my private experience and relationship coaching that when you put in the work
to build your self-esteem, overcome your fears, and strive towards your happiness, you will feel better
about yourself. When we feel good about ourselves, we develop a sense of individuality and
confidence. No matter which stage you are in your breakup, you are bound to experience emotional
and sometimes physical pain. If you struggle with overcoming these feelings, you can choose to
identify your underlying problems of attachment or abandonment through professional counselling
therapy.
By reading this book, you have mastered step-by-step how to move forward in your life and
not let the pain of your ex consume your heart. As much as this guide is here for you to follow, it's
your choice whether you want to put in the work to take back your power and be the best version of
yourself. Putting in the effort will require you to be self-productive and self-aware. You must commit
yourself to put the past behind you and acknowledge your mistakes so that you can learn from them
and not have history repeat itself.
In the three phases of moving on, you learned how to identify your feelings, discover your true
self, and become the individual you have always wanted to be. When you practice the self-care
strategies such as meditation, keeping a journal, and working out, you won't believe how good you
will feel. From experiencing such heartache and misery in your most recent breakup, don't be surprised
if you become addicted to self-improvement based on how amazing you feel. There is no time like the
present to break out of the slump and realise that you are not at fault. Realise that you are in control
and only you can define who you are, what you want, and how to get there.
Now that you have tutored yourself, the next step is to get your power back and not waste time
and energy on the past. Once you have completed all the exercises in the first two phases, you are
finally set for the last phase - seeking a potential life partner. As scary as this feels right now, change
is good, and the power is in your hands. Let your feelings take their toll and then strive forward to
make the best out of life that you possibly can. If it worked for me, I am positive it can work for you.
So, what are you waiting for? Are you willing to commit to change? Do you want to feel like this
longer than you need to? What is possibly holding you back? I don't want to listen to excuses or
reasons why you can't; I want you to believe that you can because you are capable. As dark as your
world feels right now, I am confident that you will break through the darkness and all it takes is one
step forward, then another, and another.
You don't necessarily have to go through a breakup to get out there and find yourself. The
power was within you all along. When you look at who you were before meeting your ex, then who
you became through the relationship, and who you are now, you should see that there has been quite
a bit of growth. Now, you must look towards the future. Don't let anything or anyone keep you back
from your full potential. Then you will be ready to stand tall and confidently say "I am ready to try again.
I can do this, and nothing will hold me back." Say this phrase out loud and see how you feel afterwards. The
truth is that however much positivity you put into the universe; the universe will give back. That's the
whole idea of believing in yourself and knowing your worth.
The worst thing that could happen through dedicating yourself to personal growth and
overcoming the heartache from your breakup is that you fall into another toxic relationship. However,
with the knowledge of truly understanding yourself and being able to spot the signs of failure, you can
transform anything before it gets to that point. However many relationships you experience from this
point forward, you might be fearful of due to the pain you once felt. Don't fall into the dismissive
attachment style, but instead embrace future relationships. We all experience heartbreak, and we are
all capable of learning from our past. So, instead of holding yourself back, see every failure as an
opportunity to grow, learn, and appreciate yourself.
The most important person is yourself, so why not give yourself the best shot you can by
picking yourself up and starting again. Leave the past where it belongs, in the past. The only sure thing
you have in this life is the present moment. Grip it firmly with both hands and never let go. One door
has closed, and now you have the joy of deciding which door to open next. From one man to another,
I wish you the best in your journey, and I am pleased to know I have helped you recover and grow
into the man you want to be.
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