The Fundamental Laws of Power
thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/power-101/topic/the-fundamental-laws-of-power
This lesson covers the basic building blocks of personal power.
#1. Self-Awareness & Self-Control
This is where it all starts.
You can hardly extend your control on the outside, if you first don’t control the inside.
Important note: “control over oneself” does not mean “having to overpower yourself”.
Control starts not with a struggle with yourself, but with an awareness of your dark side,
of your less than staller qualities, and with acceptance.
The same general rule that applies to social power and social influence also applies to selfcontrol as well: wars are costly, time-consuming, and people fight back.
You’d fight back too, if you were to constantly battle yourself. And you’d exhaust yourself.
Instead of fighting against yourself, you want to control yourself from a place of selfcompassion and self-love (more in the bonus ebook “Ultimate Power”).
These are some of the major elements of self-control:
Self-awareness
Lack of control: not knowing what you like or dislike, what your values are, what drives
you, what you care about, what makes you feel good
Full control: knowing what you like and dislike, what you stand for, your strengths and
weaknesses
Self-esteem
Lack of control: based on values and qualities outside your control; swinging from low
self-esteem to inflated self-esteem without real skills and results to back it up
Full control: self-esteem built around resilient qualities and values; always high on selfesteem
Willpower
Lack of control: being at the whim of one’s own drives, chasing short-term gratification
that ultimately makes you feel unaccomplished
Full control: knowing your short-term drives, when they’re good and when they’re
harmful, and actively deciding when to entertain them or resist them; building habits and
routines that support your long term goal and sticking to them
Emotional
Lack of control: needing someone’s approval; letting people get under your skin; allowing
external circumstances to dictate your moods
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Full control: emotionally independent; owning, not being afraid, and being comfortable of
your own weaknesses; controlling one’s states, including learning to enjoy the process as
much as the results
An example of emotional control is this famous Godfather’s scene.
We know that the Godfather has reached the level of maturity that it takes to lead when he
moves beyond emotional vendetta (emotional out of control) to doing what’s most
effective (emotionally in control).
Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/0qvpcfYFHcw
“It’s not personal” = I’m not emotional about it. And “it’s strictly business” = this is what
is rationally most effective
Jordan Peterson is another wonderful example of how he controls the frame and wins
debates with emotional self-control.
We will see more examples as we go forward and we’ll deal with the mindsets in “Ultimate
Power”.
For now, know that self-knowledge and self-control is the most solid foundation from
which you can control the external environment and project power.
#2. Control Your Life
Once you are on your way to mastering your inner self, you then move to master the
external environment.
And where do you start?
From your own life.
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Control over your own life gives you freedom. But it also protects you from other
people’s attempts to control you.
Control over your own life is one of the best antidotes against all types of abuse and
manipulation.
Some of the main areas to tackle:
Life plan and direction
Lack of control: following what parents or society deemed as “good”; goals based on what
others want; following our genes’ programming without understanding it
Full control: based on self-awareness, developing plans and routines that move you in the
direction you’ve chosen
Work
Lack of control: working in a job you hate, with fixed hours and fixed breaks
Full control: doing what you like, with full freedom on how and when to execute
Financial
Lack of control: depending on someone to pay the bills, without having other options
Full control: works on his own; can easily find job from competitors; has a diversified
income; has lots of savings
Preparation
Lack of control: puts all his eggs in one basket; is one illness away from bankruptcy; has
no idea what to do if he’s in trouble
Full control: diversifies; insures his most important assets; legally protects his assets
against possible lawsuits or divorce; he knows what to do and who to call in case of
troubles
Practical Tips:
– Give a house key to a trusted friend of yours (yes, I put this silly simple one first:
sometimes it’s the smallest things that turn out to be small life-savers)
– Save all emergency numbers on your phone, and at home (including plumbers: again,
another stupidly simple one. But when a pipe breaks, guess who knows what to do)
– Always carry some cash on you (cards can stop working, and throwing money to a
mugger can be all you need to keep your phone / cards)
– When traveling in third-world countries, hide some dollars on you (corrupting a cop can
save you from some sticky situations)
– Set up automated back up for your work, emails, and pictures / recordings (you might
collect evidence with your phone, and losing the phone will not lose your data)
– If legal, have a gun at home
– Have two or three credit cards (one might stop working, or might get stolen)
– Always have your phone with data and credit, plus Skype with credit
– Install a CCTV camera at your place (can protect against fake rape allegations, too)
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– Save on the cloud your personal data and information (if one day someone steals
everything from you, you can still access your passport, health insurance details, etc. from
anywhere)
#3. Learn How to Control Others
At the crudest level power is getting what you want and, when others stand in the
way, to get them to do what you want.
Different authors and different texts provide different levers of power, including:
– Rank
– Authority
– Coercion
– Seduction
– Resources
– Interpersonal skills / charm / charisma
I believe that these categories overlap and feed upon each other so much that it makes no
sense to consider them separately.
But let’s have a quick overview of the most important ones:
3.1. Coercive Power Is The Ability to Enforce
Coercive power is based on the ability to force others to do what you want.
It’s the equivalent of firing employees at work, threatening physical aggression in a
disagreement, or government’s incarceration for law-breakers.
It’s good to have coercive power, even when you don’t want to use it.
As a matter of fact, coercive power can even be used to avoid escalations -as they say: if
you can bite, you often don’t have to-.
To maximize your personal power it’s also important to understand and correctly assess
the boundaries of coercive power around you.
Why is it important?
It’s important because when you don’t do it rationally, your unconscious part of the brain
will process it for you.
And your reptilian brain exaggerates the dangers of coercive power. Which
means to you: you often end up behaving too defensively and submissively. And giving up
way too much power and freedom.
This is an important topic, so more on it during the course.
3.2. Authority Is The Legitimacy of Power
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Army generals are the stereotypical example of the power of official authority, conferred
by their rank
Authority is the legitimization of power.
There are two types of authority:
1. The one coming from the title and official ranks (officially sanctioned authority)
2. The authority that people grant you by virtue of your qualities (unofficial)
When people know you have authority, they know they must obey you or punishment will
follow (official authority). When they want to follow you and be influenced by you, they
freely give you power over them (unofficial).
When you combine both, people feel that it’s right and fair for you to also have official
authority and official power over them.
The more authority people feel you have, the more you influence people.
On the other hand, when you can decrease or question someone else’s authority, you
delegitimize their power and hobble their ability to persuade and influence.
In theory, authority goes to the person who is most knowledgeable, most experienced or
who has the highest rank.
In practice, authority can be partially faked and sometimes goes to the person who
looks and acts like they have authority.
3.3. Resources’ Control: The Power of Keeping Others Dependent
You have probably heard this proverb:
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a
lifetime
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From a perspective of power dynamics, it can be generalized this way: the more people
need you, the more power you have.
And, conversely: the less you need people, the more power you have.
The resources can be of different nature, including:
1. Financial resources (salary, accommodation, etc.)
2. Social support (cool parties, friends, professional network, etc.)
3. Emotional (approval, flattery, etc.,)
Pro Tip: Self-Assessment
This can be a good time for a first self-assessment:
– Are you living from paycheck to paycheck? If so, you are financially dependent on your
employer
– Do you need people to go out or join an event? If so, you are socially dependent on your
friends
– Are you craving someone’s approval? If so, you are emotionally dependent
The goal is not to be totally independent, which would make for a hermit life but,
whenever appropriate, to reduce your dependence.
3.4. Leverage Intrinsic Motivation
Finally, don’t forget that true leadership is about appealing to higher ideals.
We’ll see how in the next modules.
#4. Control the Frames
A frame is a set of beliefs, morals, and perspectives with which people interpret the world.
When two people with different ways of looking at the world meet, the person who can
impose his frame controls the interaction.
Frames become especially obvious when it comes to disagreements.
Here is an example:
Saint Valentine is approaching, he believes gifts are a waste of time and money. She
believes that it’s romantic and exchanging gifts is proof of caring.
What the couple does depends on whose frame prevails.
Frames are personal as much as social.
When a frame becomes ingrained at a social level, it’s very difficult for individuals to buck
the trend.
In this Valentine’s example, society’s frame is on her side.
That makes it difficult for him to “win” the frame without her feeling like he is imposing
his will. If he keeps insisting, that could easily become a negative display of dominance
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which sours the relationship.
Frames Are The SOP of Relationships
Frames often determine who more power in a relationship.
For two reasons:
1. The one who wins also communicates he is more powerful -more dominant, more
persuasive, or both-.
2. Once the winner sets his frame, the relationship unfolds within the winner’s rules
Frames carry a code of morals: what’s fair and not fair, what’s good and what’s not good.
And the code of morals sets the “rails” of the relationship. That means that imposing
your frame is a bit like imposing your legal and ethical system.
This is important because the opposite is also true: when you buy into someone’s frame,
you are playing by their rules and your behavior is being judged based on what they
believe in.
That not only gives away power but also limits your personal freedom.
A good part of learning social dynamics is learning to see frames and whose
frame you are playing by.
As a quick example, let’s rewatch this scene from Mrs. Doubtfire:
Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/yKiAJWc2ouU
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Her frame is that the big party is stupid. His frame is that the party is fun.
Whose frame wins? Just look at his face to know the answer: frame battles often happen
without a single word being spoken.
More on frames in the next module.
#5. Learn Soft Power (AKA: The Judge Role)
Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/yyKLPnFBRWk
In our modern life, you rarely deal with truly coercive power.
You will mostly deal with “soft power”.
The most powerful version of soft power goes to the individual who judges others.
That’s why from now on we will call it “the judge role” -or “the judge”-.
You gain judging powers when people accept your frame and your authority (as we said:
most forms of power are connected).
The judge wields power by dispensing (emotional) punishment and rewards (French &
Raven, 1959). If people accept the judge frame, they will want to avoid the judge’s
punishments and will crave more of the judge’s rewards.
And that, of course, gives all the soft power to the judge.
Practical Examples to Follow:
Don’t worry if it sounds theoretical: there will be plenty of examples as we go forward.
The power of judgment provides rewards in the form of compliments, happiness, and
acceptance.
And it delivers punishment with withdrawal, criticism, scorn or, more subtly and even
more powerfully, with unhappiness, unacceptance and disappointment.
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“Disappointment” is one the judge’s superpowers.
Watch out when people use it against you.
You can recognize the effects when:
1. You feel the pressure to change your behavior
2. You feel the pressure to ask for forgiveness
3. You feel crushed and you need to get in his/her good grace ASAP
4. You feel the pressure to change your stated opinion
5. You really want to please someone
6. You really want to prove someone wrong
7. You are afraid of someone’s bad judgment
It’s important to understand the effects of judges in your life.
By exerting a strong mental control, judges can be a major stumbling block in achieving
the mental self-empowerment that you are aiming for.
In case of a confrontation or a frame battle, then the effects of a judge can become obvious
and drastic.
Here is one example:
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And when a U-turn takes place a power relation has been stated aloud: the U-turner has
(almost officially) submitted and the disappointed party has become the undisputed
leader.
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Emotional abusers almost always take some form of judge role, so I must make a note
here:
Healthy judges are only disappointed when disappointment is called for
Expressing disappointment on a constant basis is an abuse of power and can cause much
harm.
See a real-life example of the negative effects of constantly criticizing and disappointed
judges:
Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/3-9NJLUN0BY
This is an extreme case of emotional abuse from a judge role, and the dynamics are
similar to physical and sexual abuse in relationships.
Alberto, the trainer, constantly criticized Cain, and starved her for his approval. That’s an
example of trauma bonding from an abusive judge.
Luckily, I can advise against abusive judge roles also for practical reasons: abusive
forms of soft power don’t work nearly as well with more powerful and more
high-quality individuals.
Instead, value-adding expressions of power work on everyone.
However, deciding to be a good leader sometimes is a decision based on personal values,
not because it necessarily pays better.
Sometimes the biggest difference between a low-quality abuser and a high-quality, valueadding individual lays in your moral compass only.
5.1. Parent/Child And The Judge
There is an overlap between the judge role and the parent/child relationship of
transactional analysis.
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When children get rebellious in their teens they are rebelling not much against hard rules,
but against the soft power of judgment.
Teenagers are claiming their emotional independence from their parents.
Children with very demanding and/or judgemental parents sometimes stay stuck in
emotionally dependent child roles throughout their lives.
That’s why you might want to ask yourself if your parents are still pushing you into a child
role. If as an adult you still feel the need to please your parents, or to have
them approve of you, your parents are probably holding too much power on
you.
PRO Tip: Watch Out For Highly Critical Individuals
Consciously or unconsciously, people who are very severe and demanding are trying to
take a judge role and push you in the emotionally dependent child role.
If they are highly skilled and you are learning a lot from them, it might even be OK to
accept the child role -as long as you are aware of it!-.
Otherwise, stay watchful.
5.2. Who Proves to Whom
The judge is the party that makes others “prove themselves to him”.
Proving yourself to others is a big sign of (emotional) dependence and submission.
Shit tests are also judge tools, since the judge is indirectly asking others to prove
themselves to him/her.
We will see examples during the course.
5.3. Who Makes Whom Happy
The other superpower of the judge role is the “right of happiness”.
This sometimes happens in relationships, with the woman becoming the judge and the
man who takes on the onus of making her happy.
We will have a lesson on how that happens + examples.
5.4. The Shaming Superpower
The judge role is also the platform to launch what I call “shame attacks”.
Albeit there is often no physical threats present, shame attacks are a form of coercive
power because they threaten to ostracize people not just from the judge, but from the
whole group of reference.
In our evolutionary past ostracizing was the equivalent of a death threat -not anymore
today but our brains haven’t caught up yet-.
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The most obvious and direct shame attacks use emotional constructs such as “evil”,
“dishonorable”, “disgusting”, “slutty”, “not good enough (for us)”.
Needless to say, people deploying shame attacks are often using them simply as a tool of
power, and not because they’re any better than you.
We will see examples of shame attacks and how to defend against them.
5.5. The Power-Down Judge: Guilt-Tripping
Usually, you have more power when someone tries to guilt-trip you.
But the guilt-tripper is trying to turn the table and take a judge role from the weaker
position.
They make you feel guilty for having power over them and hurting them, or for having
power and not using it for good causes -ie.: helping them-.
Don’t let the weak position fool you: they are still trying to make you act with their
negative judgment.
They are judging you not worthy of your power and leadership. Don’t fall for it.
This is an example of guilt-tripping:
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She is trying to make me feel guilty for her problems. She is indirectly saying that I am a
bad person for not helping her.
You can see the full analysis of guilt-tripping here.
#6. Do More, With Less (AKA: Law of Social Effort)
“Effort” is the measure of how much effort people are investing to get things done.
I will use “investment” and “effort” interchangeably throughout the course because they
are similar.
In social interactions, an important measure of effort how much people are investing to
keep engaging with you.
Effort is a bit of an umbrella term, so here are some practical examples:
1. Talking more to keep the interaction going
2. Walking across the room to say hi
3. Giving gifts without receiving any back
In a nutshell: the person who receives more investment than he exerts, looks more
powerful. And the person who expends more effort than he receives back, looks less
powerful.
Least powerful are those who expend lots of effort for little or no returns.
Paul Cicero in Goodfellas is an extreme example of the power dynamics of effort.
By moving little while others move lots for him, he is the living embodiment of power:
Watch Video At: https://youtu.be/_vUUdRsDgVA
#7. Power of Resources (AKA: Do Make Some Money)
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In our society, there is a strong link between resources and power.
Wealthy individuals are formal or informal advisers of top politicians and they have
preferential access to formal and informal levers of power.
And albeit the law is supposedly equal for everyone, the truth is that wealthy individuals
enjoy more “exceptions”, and can sometimes avoid punishment by virtue of their friends,
status, and power.
There is little to opine here: in our society, lots of resources confer tremendous
power.
Today, resources have also delinked from strength. Plenty of physically strong individuals
work for the rich. The bodyguards’ job is to sell their bodies and risk their own lives and
health to preserve the lives and health of the rich.
But resources also delinked from personal value, honor, and courage.
I’m not advising here that you make your life objective to get rich and make money indeed, I would advise you not to-. But I do am pointing out the obvious fact that money
does empower you.
7.1. Don’t Be Broke: It’s Value-Negative
Many of us who weren’t born into money might have gone through some financially
difficult periods.
How to handle those periods in a high-value, high-power way?
First off, avoid situations where you’re out with people and they want to do something but
they can’t, because you can’t.
When people have to invite you, financially-wise, you become value-negative.
And you need lots of other value to make up for that.
No to dinners, nights outs, or holidays, and yes to coffees, home-cooking, and good old
walks.
And avoid saying you can’t go out cause you’re broke.
The moment you say “I can’t meet you because I’m broke” you either force your friends to
say “nah, it’s OK” (a weak form of guilt-tripping), and/or you get branded as “the broke
guy”.
See an example here:
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From now on, he is branded as the “broke guy”. And every time he goes out, people will be
thinking “uh-oh, does he have money now, or do I need to pay for him?”
Don’t get me wrong: for many people, it’s really true that they’re happy to see you and
invite you even when you’re broke. But you still lose power and status within the group.
And, most of all, you become a value-taker.
This might not matter so much if you’re networking with other broke or “normal” people,
but it’s a big disadvantage if you want to go places and network with higher-value, higherpower folks.
High-value folks are always wary of value-takers who give nothing back because that’s
what everyone’s trying to do with them.
Pro Tip: The Higher-Power Alternative is To Say “I’m Working On My Life”
Instead of saying you can’t go out because you’re broke, say that “you miss them all and
look forward to seeing them again. But right now, you must working on getting your life in
order”.
Now you turn a difficult situation, into an opportunity to show your strength of character
and personal drive.
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You can also be franker and say “I’m working on getting my finances back on track”. The
people who want to support you will know what it means, and reach out.
7.2. The Power of Financial Independence
The beauty of money is that it can buy you freedom and independence.
I quote Nassim Nicholas Taleb here:
(resources) shield you from prostituting your mind and frees you from outside authority–any
outside authority.
And you don’t even need that much to achieve that level.
#8. The Power of The Law
The legal system can be a thing of beauty.
It can empower the weak to take revenge -or money- from the powerful.
And it can empower the powerful to grow yet more powerful, and abuse the weak.
Theoretically, the legal system should protect people and make for a fairer society.
And in part, it does that.
But it also allows people to bully others.
And the easiest to bully, are those who are clueless about the law.
Knowing your rights, what constitutes evidence and how to collect it, your likelihood of
winning in court, and which lawyer to call and when to call him, can provide you with
tremendous power and leverage.
Once you know how to move within the law and how to defend yourself in case things end
up in court, you will also grow more confident.
My advice is to know the law, play within the law, and collect evidence to cover your ass.
But if you’re unsure, avoid getting to court just because you’re angry. Unless you’re
confident of a quick and swift victory, getting mired in court is risky, expensive, and very
likely to poison your mood.
I also advise you to be careful around lawyers: they are often too quick on pulling the
suing trigger.
And life’s too short to spend it in a courtroom.
8.1. Shield Your Assets
I have received more than one threat like this one:
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Some authors who didn’t like my reviews threatened Google’s delisting first, and legal
action later, to have them changed or removed.
In the beginning, I had to obey and submit because I was legally clueless and powerless.
Most of all, I was legally unshielded. My name, all my assets, and my business were all
rolled into one.
As a matter of fact, the survival of ThePowerMoves.com was at stake every time some
ahole threatened legal actions.
This is also risky for smaller time offenses.
Some legal firms “specialize” in legal blackmailing. They scour the web for small websites
who made small mistakes around GDPR compliance, or who gave the wrong credits
attribution on a photo they used on some personal blog.
Then the junior lawyers look up their names, and send out “pay me or get sued” letters.
People who run their business -or personal blogs- with their names and assets are in a
very weak bargaining position and are often forced to pay up.
It happens often in Germany, which is one of the reasons why I stayed out of the EU to
incorporate the business.
You might not have a business (yet).
But you can still get sued -or threatened-.
And it might be a wise idea to look into asset protection strategies.
8.2. Maximize Your Taxes
Financial guru Robert Kiyosaki says there are three classes of people:
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1. The rich and powerful: who find loopholes around taxes
2. The poor: who get some little government help
3. The masses in the middle-class: who shoulder most of the taxes.
I partially agree with that (partially).
What’s easy to agree on though is that being smart with your money and taxes will allow
you to retain more power.
#9. Get In Shape – Or At Least, Stay In Shape
Albeit physical strength and violence are not as linked to power as they used to be, it
would be silly to think they don’t matter.
People, especially men, tend to have natural deference towards bigger and more muscular
individuals.
Physical strength tends to correlate positively with self-confidence and testosterone,
which leads to more dominant behavior, which in turn leads to more confidence and yet
more social success, in a self-reinforcing loop.
On the other hand, being out of shape communicates being out of control. It might not be
fair, but many look down at those out of shape.
Questions? Open A Topic & Ask Here!
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