BONUS!
how to make her
approach you
the
obsession
method
BY Kate Spring
G ender roles are changing in the home, at work, and in our social and romantic
lives. Men and women are challenging traditional gender roles in all aspects of life,
and dating seems to be one of the areas affected by this alteration. The good news
for men is that this means that women are slowly taking more initiative in dating and
taking more agency in going after what they want. What that means for you is that
women are becoming more and more open to being the one to approach you first.
Take the dating app Bumble for instance. We have men and women both swiping right
to open up the pathway for conversation, but what distinguishes Tinder from Bumble is
the fact that it is up to women to initiate the conversation, which is something that a lot
of women are leaning towards. Bumble has approximately 23 million users. 250 million
times women made the first move. So things are changing. That’s all great information,
but what if you’re not getting approached? What if women aren’t starting conversations
with you online and/or in person? Well, don’t fear because what I have for you here is
my BIG D method. This method will teach you how to make women approach you.
BIG D is a method for opening yourself up to be approached by women. The method
is as follows. The first hurdle to tackle, or the first task to master, is body language
that is the “B.” This is something that we have looked at in depth, but there are some
specific body language tactics that are essential when you are wanting a woman
to approach you and those tactics have to do with persuasion. The “I” stands for
invitation. You want to send women clear invitations that they are welcome to
approach you. That way they will approach you instead of letting their fear of rejection
take over and not approach you. The “G” stands for “give her an opening.” Not only
should your body posture be open, but you should also give a girl a clear opening to
talk to you, especially when you’re with a friend or group of friends. And, finally, the
“D” stands for dress to make her obsess. How you dress not only affects how people
treat you, but it also affects your self-image, which is directly linked to confidence.
Let’s dive into the specifics of the BIG D Method.
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(B) Body language
You know that guy that everyone loves and wants to be around? That guy with that
certain quality that makes them irresistible. The guy that can walk into a room and
you feel excited that he is there. That thing that instantly makes people want to be
around you is called charisma.
The dictionary defines charisma as compelling attractiveness or charm that can
inspire devotion in others. Now charisma is something that you can control. It’s
something that can be learned. It’s all about understanding your body and what it’s
saying without really saying it. That’s why the BIG D method is really focused on
body language and how to open yourself up to women so that they feel excited to
approach you.
One of the key factors of the charismatic guy is that he is not consumed with worry
about looking too desperate or needy. However, he is consciously putting himself
in other people’s shoes and thinking about how he can make them feel comfortable
around him, instead of fixating on his own insecurities.
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Something to remember about body language—or nonverbal communication or
subliminal signals, whatever you want to call it—is that it is what your body is saying
whether you are conscious of it or not. Another thing about your body language is
that you now need to be conscious of its unconscious communication.
When I was younger, I was completely oblivious to the nonverbal messages my body
was sending. While I wanted it to say, “Come hither,” it really said, “F*&% off.”
When I was single and just starting university, I was living in a new city. Then, I was
at a loss about how to meet people. I did meet people in class, but I wanted to try and
meet someone out and about. There were always a ton of attractive guys around town
that I would look at and think, “I hope he talks to me.” I would go to coffee shops and
bury my face in a book. I would rarely look people in the eye. And I was just plain old
fashioned insecure, which I wore on my body like a bad neck tattoo.
In my head, I knew that I wanted someone to pay attention to me, but I just did not
know how to make my wants and my body get on the same page. It wasn’t until I was
a lot older did I realize what I was doing wrong. It took time before I realized that I
was blocking myself off from allowing people to approach me. In fact, my body was
telling potentially interested males that I wasn’t interested. I did this by sitting in the
corner, trying not to take up too much space. I was making physical—and mental—
barriers between me and everyone around me.
Barriers such as reading with a book in my face, or not making eye contact with
people, or having my headphones in wherever I went, and getting far too drunk for
anyone to want to approach me. What you can learn from my mistakes are the first
steps in getting women to approach you, and the first step is to eliminate all physical
and mental barriers and open yourself up.
The number one thing that I can suggest that will make you more approachable is to
be physically open. We’ve looked at this in detail, which is why I’m going to give you
a condensed revision.
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Briefly, then, open up your arms when people are talking to you, straighten your
back. Stand with your hands by your side, not in your pockets. Think about those
charismatic people that you see out and about. Or go out and observe people and
then mimic their body language and posture.
How to Eliminate Barriers and Open Up
Some ways to eliminate the barriers that are prohibiting you from being approached
are as follows:
1. Be Accessible
Eliminate physical barriers that make you seem unapproachable. When you’re out in
public, say you’re at a bar, get off your phone, talk to the people around you and make
it a point to introduce yourself to the people around you—both male and female. When
a woman sees you effortlessly interacting with other people, you seem confident and
immediately become a desirable person with whom to speak and to be with.
If you’re out in the day time, take off your headphones and put down your book. Spend
some time looking around and making eye contact with people. And, again, strike up
conversation with the people around you.
Why I mention this is because if you are friendly and you make strangers feel
comfortable, you will signal to a girl in your vicinity that it’s okay to approach you,
and that she will most likely have a good time doing so.
When you physically block yourself off from people by looking at your phone, with
your face in a book or you’re plugged into your headphones, people don’t approach
you because they feel like they’re interrupting you. So if you remove physical barriers
that make you look unapproachable, and you couple that with being one of the
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friendliest people in the room by talking to strangers or just smiling at them, you will
have an approachable persona.
2. Face What You Want
You want people to know that it’s okay to approach without blatantly saying so. And
one of the best ways to open yourself up to people is to angle your body towards
them. If you’re wanting to subliminally let people know that you’re friendly and
welcoming, point your feet towards them and face them head on.
This is a great way to make your presence known to a girl, and it suggests for her to
come-hither. Your goal is to be inviting and not closed off.
In the same vein, have you ever noticed when you’re talking to someone and their
feet are pointed away from you and their torso is slighted turned away as well, and
they seem impatient and ready to leave? Usually, people engaged in small talk do
this because these types of conversations are short lived. You have this feeling about
these kinds of scenarios because people become unconsciously uncomfortable by this
particular body posture and, in turn, want to leave. When you turn your body away
from people, you’re silently saying that you don’t feel comfortable talking to them. In
contrast, when you open your body up to people and you face them and you turn your
feet towards them, you’re letting that person know that you’re open to interact, and
this makes you more approachable.
3. Make Yourself Big
One of the best and tried and true ways to make yourself more approachable to all
people is to make yourself big and take up space. Take up space, not in bad way where
you’re in a space with limited seating and you take up the last two chairs, or you stand
on your tip toes. No, not big in that sense, but big in the sense that your posture is big.
Your shoulders are back and relaxed. And, if you’re sitting, you’re sitting upright, not
hunched over, and even your arm might be outstretched on the chair next to you. This
is a sign of confidence.
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Amy Cuddy, professor at the Harvard Business School, coined the term “Power
Pose” in her TED Talk. In the video, she outlines how taking the power pose raises
testosterone levels and lowers cortisol levels (the stress hormone). This can improve
your performance as well as people’s perception of you. So make yourself big. It’s also
a good way to draw people’s attention towards you.
On another level, biologically, women are attracted to men who look virile and strong.
From an evolutionary standpoint, it symbolizes that big, strong men have the ability
to protect and provide for their family. If you want to seem approachable, make
yourself big.
4. Avoid Nervous Habits
The fourth way to eliminate barriers and open yourself up to people is to first
acknowledge your nervous habits and stop them in their tracks.
Do you have a nervous habit or habits? When you’re nervous or stressed out, do you
bite your nails, bite your lip, tap your foot, clench your jaw, constantly touch your hair
or pull at your wardrobe? Do one of these nervous ticks ring a bell? My name is Kate
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Spring, and I’m a recovering nail biter. All of these nervous ticks are dead giveaways
that you’re nervous, stressed out or anxious. A lot of people do one of these when they’re
uncomfortable, but this is hindrance to the confidence that you are trying to exude.
In Social Psychology, there is a concept that is called Embodied Emotion. What
this theory suggests is that your mental events are represented in your body. Your
emotions involve physiological changes in your breathing, heartbeat, skin response,
hormone levels, and more.
Your body responds not only to your thoughts, but also to your emotions. That’s
why it’s important to understand that your nervous habits are natural responses
to your emotions and your emotional state of being. The best, fastest and easiest
super stress buster, or anxiety annihilator, is the simple act of deep breathing.
Breathing slowly activates the hypothalamus, which is connected to the pituitary
gland, and that is the gland sends out neuro-hormones to the brain, which, in turn,
work towards inhibiting the stress producing hormones and, ultimately, triggers a
relaxation response in the body. When you feel these nervous ticks or habits come
on, don’t give into them. Instead, breathe deeply for 60 seconds and feel your body
release this unnecessary stress.
Now that’s we’ve combatted stress and figured out how to look confident and
approachable, it’s not time to reveal some ways to invite women to approach you
without you really saying a word. And that is through Oculesics, which is a subcategory of body language that studies the movement of eyes.
(I) Invitation
Invitation is all about persuasion. And persuasion is getting people to do things that
are in their best interest that also benefits you. So how do you subliminally persuade
people that you’re the best candidate to approach? Well, you want to subtly let people
know that you welcome their approach and that they need not fear rejection in
coming to talk to you.
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You alleviate someone’s approach anxiety in a couple of ways. The first is through eye
contact. This one is one of the best ways that you’re going to let someone know that
you’re approachable and confident. People who can make and maintain eye contact
are seen as more confident than those who avoid it. This non-verbal social cue has
been proven to show your and comfort and willingness to interact in a given situation.
Both are further enhanced with a smile. On the other hand, avoiding eye contact by
looking down and/or around makes you look nervous, uncomfortable, unwilling to
interact, which is what we’re trying to avoid.
I should clarify something with eye contact and that is that you need to make sure that
you don’t just stare at a woman from across the room for an uncomfortable amount of
time and hope that she approaches you. No, the key here is to make eye contact with a
woman that you think is attractive and then leave it alone for a bit. And then make eye
contact again. You’re going to do it twice, but it should be no more than that.
Eye contact more than twice gives off a stalker-like vibe. You want to establish eye
contact to make your presence known. And then the second time is to encourage her
to come and talk to you. The second point of eye contact is to let her know that you
see her looking at you and that it’s okay for her to approach you. Eye contact coupled
with a smile or one of the following gestures is how you invite someone to talk to you.
The next way that you can say “come-hither” without saying those exact words is to
wink and smile. Winking is a great way to flirt and to tempt a girl to approach you.
It’s simple and effective. It’s sexy and has a mischievous undertone. You don’t wink
at someone with whom you want to be in a plutonic friendship. Winking implies a
sexual interest or, at the very least, that you find that person attractive.
The third way that you can invite a woman to come and talk to you, if you are in the
right setting, is to raise your glass as if you are going to cheers her from a far. This
works in a social scene where you’re at a bar, party, or restaurant. Raising your glass to
a woman can happen once you’ve established eye contact twice and/or you’ve winked
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and smiled at her. The next logical step is to raise your glass in a sign of, “I see you
looking at me.” It’s flirty fun, and it hammers home that you’re looking at her and that
you’re open to her to come over and talk to you.
I’ve seen other people advocate for men to also invite a woman over to him by waving
his hands in a come-hither motion. Whatever you do, do not wave a girl over like that.
Unless you’re as suave as James Bond, don’t use it. A move like that works in movies
but usually fails in reality. A raised glass is an invitation; a wave is a command. Invite,
don’t command.
This wave takes away your air of mystery. It’s too obvious that you want her to come
and talk to you, and it can be easily misconstrued as overly cocky, which is not what
we’re going for. We’re going for effortlessly confident.
So stick to establishing eye contact first, and then reinforcing it a second time
coupled with a smile and then a wink. And if the setting permits, raise your glass.
And then we move on to our next step in the BIG D Method, which is to give her an
obvious opening to come and talk to you.
(G) Give Her an Opening
Onto Part G. The next pivotal step in making yourself the most approachable man is
giving a woman the opportunity to approach you when she doesn’t have to go up to
you in a group of people.
Picture this, you’ve spotted a gorgeous woman at a table sitting with her friends
sharing dinner and drinks. You’re watching her so intently that you start to mimic
her gestures from afar. She laughs, so you laugh. She picks up her napkin and you
reach for a napkin that’s not there. You’re enthralled by this beautiful woman. She’s
captivated your attention. You’ve stood up to make the first move to go and talk to
her, but then reality sets in and she’s sitting at a table with a group of friends and
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they are clearly engaged in conversation. If you go over there, you’re just the creepy
guy who has been starring at these women for a while and are about to interrupt their
conversation. Here enters your frustration.
Now, picture this, we have the opposite scene where you’re seated at a table with your
guy friends having a good time throwing your heads back laughing, toasting one
another, having a good time. A girl has spotted you from across the room. She wants
to come and talk to you, but she’s nervous to approach you and your group of friends.
So she doesn’t approach because she’s too intimidated.
Women have the same anxieties as men do about approaching. It’s nerve wracking
because nobody wants to be rejected.
How to combat this is by giving a woman an opening to come approach you. Excuse
yourself from the table and go to the bathroom. Stop along the way, lean against the
wall or go to the bar and order a drink or just slow down walking back to your table.
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Give a girl an opportunity to come and talk to you away from your friends. If someone is
watching you, then it’s safe to say that they will take note when you’ve gone off on your
own. They will especially take note if you’ve employed the steps previous to this one.
A woman’s approach-anxiety becomes even more crippling when you’re in mixed
company. That is when you’re with men and women. Because then she’s thinking,
“Is that his wife, girlfriend, sister?” Chaos ensues in her brain, and her fear of
rejection takes over and prohibits her from coming over to talk to you. That is
why you want to give her a clear opening to come and talk to you when you’re not
surrounded by other people.
(D) Dress to Make Her Obsess
For our fourth and final section in The BIG D Method, we will look at how you can
dress yourself to look like the best candidate for a woman to approach and get to
know. That’s why I call this step dress to make her obsess.
You’ve probably heard different iterations of the phrase, “dress for success.” Or
“dress for the job you want and not the job you have” Or as Lauren Conrad once said,
“Always dress better than you think you should.” Maxims like this exist because they
hold a lot of truth. Not only do the clothes you wear affect how other people see you,
but they can also affect your mental and physical performance and, most importantly,
your self-image.
Before we get any further, I should mention that I’m not suggesting that you spend
your life savings and/or all of your hard-earned money on the trendiest and most
expensive designer clothes. No, but you should take some time and clean up your
wardrobe. Dress in such a way that makes you feel good about yourself.
Psychologists from Columbia University and Cal. State Northbridge have released
their findings in a study that looked at how dressing well can affect your thoughts.
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The study concluded that dressing formally can actually liberate people from
concrete thinking and increase their ability to think practically and creatively.
Dressing well is actually conducive to success not only in the work place, but this
can also translate into one’s social and romantic life because our attire plays a large
part in first impressions. The message here is to take control of this aspect of your
life and spend some time cultivating a personal style that makes you feel comfortable
and confident in your skin. Remember that we humans buy what we see, so be as
visually attractive as you can. Remember, too, that we live in a judgmental world, and
we are all constantly making assumptions about people based on how they look and
how they are dressed. We judge people first based on what we see, and your clothing
that covers your body is one of the first things that we see when we meet new people.
Therefore, clothing influences our decision-making process of whether or not to like
someone and or trust them.
Like we said earlier, if you feel good about yourself and the outfit that you’ve chosen
makes you feel attractive, this will affect your physiological response to the world
around you. And you will ultimately have a positive self-image, which will directly
improve your body language.
Have you ever seen a young woman out at night wearing a very revealing dress and
she keeps tugging at it to make sure that it is staying in place? And have you ever
seen a young woman try to walk in extremely high heels? I see this all the time. It’s
sexy, yes, but it also can make a girl look very childish like she’s trying to walk in her
mom’s heels for the first time. She’s fumbling around trying to walk straight, but she
just looks awkward. This garners a response like, “Oh, poor thing. She’s struggling to
walk in those heels.” It looks like Bambi taking his first steps. The moral of this story
is to wear clothing that you can move in and you feel comfortable and confident in
because people can notice when you’re uncomfortable in what you’re wearing, and
if you feel uncomfortable, we know that your body will unconsciously reveal this
discomfort in incessant fidgeting and or some other nervous habit.
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Dress your body to make a woman want to come and talk to you. Use everything in your
power to make yourself seem like the most eligible bachelor for a woman to approach.
It’s important to remember that The BIG D Method is completely within your control.
Yes, getting a woman to approach you does take some work, but it is silent work.
Work that doesn’t involve you dealing with approach anxiety and/or fumbling around
trying to figure out what to say.
You have the power, the will, the motivation and now
you have the know-how. So go forth and prosper.
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