Lesson 1: Don't be needy
You need to be happy with who you are.
If you are needy you do things to impress others.
Mark Manson says “all performance is neediness”
To stop being needy do things because you enjoy doing them and for no other reason
Be comfortable with who you are and don’t look to anyone else for approval.
You don’t need the approval of others just the approval of yourself. One needy behaviour is sending too many text messages.
Mark Manson says that texts should be used to arrange dates and that’s about it, they should be used to arrange real life interactions.
Also, a non needy man will stick to what he believes in even if it doesn’t match what the others around him believe.
Don’t be disrespectful to the people around you but don’t just go along with the crowd.
Be invested in yourself and what you believe in.
This isn’t to say be horrible to others - you 100% should care about other people just stick to what you believe in respectfully.
Allow others to have their own opinion on things and allow yourself to have your own as well.
Don’t worry about rejection - Mark Manson says “rejection exists for a reason — it’s a means to keep people apart who are not good for each other”
Lesson 2: Show your vulnerable side
Most people try their hardest not to look stupid. Men think to attract a woman you’ve got to be as macho as possible and make no mistakes.
The thing is women don't actually mind if you make mistakes or look stupid, what actually matters is how you react to looking stupid.
You see “Humans are attracted to each other’s rough edges.”
If you make a mistake or say something wrong and just laugh it off it shows that you have enough self esteem that small things like this don’t bother you.
Nobody is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. By you being vulnerable others around you will relax because they know they don’t have to be perfect either.
So talk about things that you’re truly passionate about not just small talk even if you talk about mistakes you’ve made in don’t worry about trying to cover up your rough edges.
If you try to have deeper, more meaningful conversations more often you will form stronger relationships much faster.
If you’re talking to someone and say something stupid just laugh it off.
Lesson 3: Have an attractive lifestyle
Actions speak louder than words.
If you concentrate all your energy on the best lines to say to someone in the hope of impressing her but then you actually lead an unattractive lifestyle then you might be able to attract the them initially but before long you lifestyle will put them off and you’ll become unattractive to them.
A big misconception is that the majority of your attraction comes from your natural looks.
Physical appearance is one area of attraction but your lifestyle as a whole is more important.
What lifestyle would someone else most like to be part of?
If you have a relationship with someone who is really attractive, they drive a nice car and have a good job but they also work 50 hours a week you might be attracted to them initially but eventually because they work all the time you won’t get to see them so their lifestyle will put you off.
So how do you make your lifestyle more attractive?
In my opinion the most attractive lives for the majority of people involve 2 things.
Freedom and time. To me the most attractive lifestyle is doing what you love, when you love with who you love.
How do you do that?
One simple aim, get your passive income higher than your expenses.
If you are not sure exactly what this means I would recommend listening to rich dad poor dad by robert t kiyosaki.
When you passive income is higher than your expenses you won’t have to work and that way you will have a lot of time to work on what you actually love.
Lesson 4: Make assumptions rather than asking questions.
Have you ever been in a situation where someone is talking to you but it feels more like an interview?
All they are doing is asking questions and it's not fun to be part of.
To avoid this is you want to talk in terms of statements.
Make assumptions about the other person.
Rather than asking what do you do for a living?
Say “You seem like a great person, I bet your job is interesting.”
Instead of how do you guys know each other?
Say “You guys look like you’ve been friends for a long time.
Instead of What hobbies do you have?
Say “You look like someone who is really into sport”
This is called cold reading and it’s just making educated guesses about another person.
Mark Manson says you should cold read with women as much as possible.
Most people would be worried about doing this because what if you get it wrong.
The reason it works so well is because it doesn’t matter if you get it wrong.
When you cold read 1 of 3 things will happen:
You’ll get it wrong and they will correct you - this means that they will just answer the question that you based your cold read on.
You get it wrong and the other person is intrigued and wants to know why you thought that.
You get it right - You might get lucky and guess completely right and this will build an instant rapport with the other person.
Whatever happens it’s a much more interesting way to get the other person talking and alot more effective than asking endless questions.
By speaking in statements you don’t overpower the other person with questions. It allows them to continue the conversation if they want to and not feel trapped. Also the other person will ask questions about the statements you make.
It’s ok to ask questions sometimes just not all the time.
Lesson 5: Stop using filler words
This means saying words and phrases such as “like”, “erm”, “you know” and “I guess”
By taking out filler words you’ll be much more interesting to listen to because you can say more in less time.
It’s about quality, not quantity.
Here’s an example from the book. Listen to these two different ways of saying the same thing, one with filler words and one without.
“So, I guess what I'm saying is like that I never really felt at home when I lived out there in you know in California the people all just felt kind of like superficial to me and I am didn't really like it I guess.”
Now take out the filler words.
“I never felt at home in California the people felt superficial to me I didn't really like it.”
Filler words and phrases make speaking to you boring and slow.
Also when you say “I guess” or “you know” it come across as though you don’t fully stand by what you’re saying so you have to weaken what you said with a filler phrase after it.
So how do you get better at not saying filler words and phrases.
First of all be aware that you’re doing it, try to consciously make an effort to not say filler words.
Another thing you can do is record yourself trying to explain something and see what filler words you say the most. Keep re-recording yourself until you can explain the whole thing without filler words.
And finally, be ok with silence, if you are more relaxed in silence then you won’t feel the pressure to always be saying something. This means you are much less likely to say filler phrases. Silences give your brain time to process the conversations and to think of much more interesting responses to what people say.
A pause before replying is recommended by a lot of people because it shows you care enough that you actually want to give a good response and not just say the first thing that comes to mind.
Conclusion
They are the top five lessons that I got from this book but they're absolutely loads more lessons that I haven’t covered. I'd recommend listening to the audiobook because it has a lot of analogies and examples that will help you to understand the lessons on a deeper level. If you are interested in reading the book or listening to the audiobook I'll put a link in the description.