Fleeting Moments (Hearthushed, 2G1)
Description
Right after college, life gives Frankie Castañares and Ryo Canencia broken hearts to mend after splitting up from a four-year long relationship. Despite the fresh heartache, both are ready to move forward in achieving their careers-with Frankie chasing after a Department Editor position of a well-known magazine, and Ryo preparing for the rookie position of the professional basketball team.
Everything seems to be going well-at least they’re trying. But one month after the break-up, Frankie finds out that she’s pregnant, Ryo’s the father, and they both want the child.
Already with new love interests of their own, will they be able to come up with a compromise? How will they figure it out if the mere sight of each other irks the both of them? As much as they don’t want to bump to each other, it can’t be helped… since they will be living in the same house. HEARTHUSHED SECOND GENERATION Fleeting Moments ynativity, 2020
Cover Illustration by angsthaul
Fleeting Moments
☽☾ FLEETING MOMENTS
#HHFM Hearthushed Second Generation Series
ynativity cover illustration by angsthaul ▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂
Any resemblance to real people and other stories are purely coincidental.
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B L U R B
Right after college, life gives Frankie Castañares and Ryo Canencia broken hearts to mend after splitting up from a four-year long relationship. Despite the fresh heartache, both are ready to move forward in achieving their careers—with Frankie chasing after a Department Editor position of a well-known magazine, and Ryo preparing for the rookie position of the professional basketball team.
Everything seems to be going well—at least they’re trying. But one month after the break-up, Frankie finds out that she’s pregnant, Ryo’s the father, and they both want the child.
Already with new love interests of their own, will they be able to come up with a compromise? How will they figure it out if the mere sight of each other irks the both of them? As much as they don’t want to bump to each other, it can’t be helped… since they will be living in the same house.
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Started 21 April 2020 Finished 22 November 2020
© ynativity 2020 All Rights Reserved
Story Guide
S T O R Y G U I D E
You can read my stories in any order, but here is the preferred sequence:
Hamartia Series:
Whatever This Is (Completed)Whenever You Want (Completed) However This Goes (Completed)Whoever Gives In (Soon)
Hearthushed Series:
Van: The Summer We Met (Completed)Maxim: The Night You Happened (Completed) Finn: The Moment I Fell (Completed)
Hearthushed Series Second Generation: Fleeting Moments (Completed)
Cervantes Series:
The Art of Kissing Back (Epistolary: Completed) The Art of Holding Back (On-Going)
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Connect with me through:
Facebook.com/ynativityTwitter.com/ynativity
For important concerns: ynativity@gmail.com
Thank you!
Prologue: Congrats, Ryo!
#hhfmprologue Prologue Congrats, Ryo!
“Frankie… we should visit a doctor.”
Napatigil ako sa paghihilamos. Nilingon ko si Cali na mukhang alalang-alala na naman sa ’kin. I only laughed at her reaction because obviously, she’s overreacting. Kung hindi ba naman kasi ako tinambakan ng articles na pending, hindi sana ganito. Ang hirap kaya ng kailangan kong kumita ng pera tapos kailangan ko ring alagaan ang sarili ko. It’s like every night is a battle between choosing sleep or work, and I’ll always end up choosing the latter. Parang tumanda lang ako para maging alipin ng salapi.
“Pagod lang ako,” I told her and smiled just to ease her worries. Nakalimutan ko pang bumili ng blood supplement kahapon kaya parang mas hinang-hina ang pakiramdam ko. I picked up my toothbrush and went back to the sink to brush my teeth.
“Sure ka? Hindi ’yan about kay ex mo? Baka naman iniiyakan mo pa ’yon?”
That made my halt. Nilingon ko siya at sinamaan ng tingin. It’s not like talking about him is taboo. Hindi naman na ako super affected. Pa’no ba naman, e mukhang immune na ako dahil kung sa’n-sa’n ko naman nakikita ang pagmumukha niya. Araw-araw pa nga dahil nakapaskil ’yong buong katawan niya sa billboard gawa nung endorsement niyang energy drink. Sinungaling talaga ’yon. Hindi naman siya umiinom no’n e.
Wala rin namang point kung iyakan ko siya nang matagal. It’s been a month. I don’t really care anymore. Ako naman ’yung nakipag-break, tapos pumayag siya. Hindi naman ganoong ka-messy kaya tanggap ko naman. Tama na siguro iyong tatlong gabi akong nag-senti. Takang-taka pa nga si Cali dahil, ang tagal kaya naming dalawa! Apat na taon naging kami tapos tatlong araw ko lang iniyakan?
Besides, wala na rin namang lugar para magmukmok ako. Again, pagtulog pa nga lang at pagtatrabaho, kain na kain na ang oras ko. Sa’n ko pa isisingit ’yung feelings ko?
Nagmumog ako nang ilang beses at kahit na gano’n, pakiramdam ko’y nalalasahan ko pa rin iyong sinuka ko. I shuddered a bit. Kadiri talaga! Never na akong kakain nang super late.
“Gaga, magpa-check up ka na kasi,” sabi ni Cali na nakasunod pa rin sa ’kin.
“Sayang pera do’n,” I said before turning off the lights in our room. Binukan niya iyong dim light sa may gilid niya dahil hindi niya kayang matulog nang wala kahit papaanong liwanag.
Pumunta na siya ro’n sa kama at ako ay bumalik sa puwesto ko sa sahig. Double deck naman talaga ang kama namin at ako ang nakap’westo sa taas, pero madalas kasi akong mahilo kaya sabi ko’y dito na lang ako sa sahig. Usually din, medyo naaalog ko ’yong kama kapag nagtatrabaho nang gabing-gabi na, tapos nagigising si Cali. Mas kumportable na rin naman ako rito sa kutson sa sahig.
“Doktor ’yung tiyahin ko. Bilis na, ilalakad kita! Libre na!” pangungulit niya. I chuckled and picked up my laptop. Kinuha ko rin iyong ballpen at nagsulat sa sticky note ng reminder na bumili ako ng vitamins. I couldn’t afford getting sick, sayang ’yung ilang araw ng trabaho at mas mahal ang gamot.
“Next time na, Cal,” I told her. Naglagay ako ng unan sa may likuran ko at sa hita bago ipatong ro’n ang laptop. Cali gave me a disapproving look.
“Ano na naman ba ’yang gagawin mo?” tanong niya at napabangon.
“Transcript lang nung interview. Tatapusin ko na para mabawasan ’yung gagawin ko bukas,” I answered. Magsusuot pa lang ako ng earphones nang agawin niya iyon mula sa ’kin.
“Sige, papayagan kita ngayon ha, pero tutulog ka na by 2 a.m.!”
I nodded while trying to get my earphones back. Baka masira! Sayang din ang 300 para sa earphones! “Oo na nga.”
“And—!” Napatigil ako nang tumalim iyong tingin niya sa ’kin. “Magpapa-check up ka bukas. Ilang araw na ’yan!”
Napasimangot ako. “Nakakahiya sa tiyahin mo—”
“Gusto mo bang tawagan ko pa si Ryo para lang pilitin kang magpatingin sa doktor?”
“No!” sagot ko kaagad. Kahit na imposibleng pansinin pa siya ni Ryo dahil break na nga kami! But I’m not taking any chances! Baka mamaya sumagot nga!
“Edi bukas before lunch, magpapa-check up ka,” she said. Paulit-ulit akong tumango. Piningkitan niya muna ako ng mata bago ibalik sa ’kin ’yung earphones ko. Nag-set pa talaga siya ng alarm para ma-check niya mamayang alas-dos kung gising pa ’ko.
I doubted na magigising siya. Then an hour later, ako na nga ’yung nagpatay ng alarm dahil naparasap iyong tulog niya. Kahit na p’wede kong ituloy ’yung ginagawa ko dahil tulog-mantika naman siya, pinatay ko na ’yung laptop ko dahil nakararamdam na naman ako ng hilo.
Kinaumagahan ay mas maaga pa rin akong nagising sa kaniya. I checked the time and noticed that I slept for a good seven hours, pero kahit na gano’n ay parang ang sama pa rin ng pakiramdam ko. After cooking our breakfast, I took a bath. Paglabas ko ay saka ko lang siya naabutang gising.
“Ikaw, hoy,” aniya, tinututok iyong hawak n’yang tinidor sa ’kin. “Magpapa-check up ka ngayon, ha! Tinawagan ko na si Tita.” Napailing na lang ako sa kaniya bago pumasok sa kuwarto para magbihis. Wala rin naman akong takas kay Cali kaya nagbihis na ako nang maayos. Saka, libre naman e.
Sinabayan ko siyang kumain. She was busy on her phone, probably waiting for anything worthy of a page. We’re working under different magazines, pero iisa lang naman ang nagma-may-ari. Usually, she writes for the website. Ako, mas madalas na sa physical copies talaga.
“’Yung jowa mo, nasa alma matter.” I could see from my peripheral vision that she’s showing me her phone, pero ayaw ko nang tingnan.
“Ex,” I corrected her. She snorted. Tumayo ako para kuhanin ’yung nag-iisang apple sa maliit naming ref. Parang ayaw ko pa ngang umalis sa tapat ng ref kasi ang lamig-lamig. Dito kasi sa inuupahan namin, ’pag nagdagdag pa kami ng air con, lalaki masyado ang upa. We had to make a choice kung air con o ref, and we made the more practical choice.
Hinugasan ko muna iyon at binalatan. Kahit na gusto ko nang kagatan ay hiniwa ko pa rin at nilagay sa mangkok para share kami ni Cali. I was secretly hoping na hindi siya kukuha pero bumawas agad siya kaya napasimangot ako.
“Kasama ’yung tatay…” she said, nodding while probably looking at their photos. “Grabe, daddy saka daddier?”
I laughed at her antics. Hindi ko naman itatangging guwapo si Ryo; do’n niya nga ako nadala e, sa mukha niya. Ang tawag nga sa kaniya ni Cali ay Koreanong Overcooked, kahit na ilang beses ko nang pinaliwanag sa kaniya na 1/4 Korean lang si Ryo. ’Yon ang rating system niya pagdating sa mga lalaki. Kapag hilaw, ibig sabihin hindi ka pumasa. Kapag luto, bet ka ni Cali. E si Ryo, para sa kaniya, overcooked. Gano’n siya kaguwapo.
“’Here for the whole day‘ daw! Hindi mo pupuntahan?” aniya at halos ingudngod sa mukha ko ’yong phone niya. Instagram Story pala ’yong tinitingnan niya.
“Bakit ko pupuntahan?” natatawa kong tanong. Parang is Cali pa ’yong hindi maka-move on na break na kami ni Ryo, e ako ’tong naging girlfriend.
Pagkatapos niyang maligo ay dumiretso na kami ro’n sa tiyahin niya. There was a short line at pinilit ko siyang maghintay na lang kami dahil nahihiya na ako masyado. Libre na nga ako, kaya okay lang na maghintay. Nagpa-blood test lang naman ako tapos ay umalis na kami dahil mga two hours pa raw bago makuha ’yung resulta.
We went to the pharmacy sa ground floor ng tower tapos bumili ng vitamins ko. We spent the remaining time sa cafe kahit siya lang ’yung kumain dahil lalo lang ata akong nahilo sa presyo ng bilihin.
Bumalik kami ro’n sa tiyahin niya no’ng naka-receive na si Cali ng text na okay na raw ’yung results. I sat on the chair in front of Cali’s aunt while she’s reading something, which I assumed was the result of my blood test. Napalingon siya sa ’kin at balik sa resulta, tapos sa ’kin ulit—paulit-ulit, pabalik-balik.
Kumunot na ang noo ko dahil hindi siya nagsasalita. I looked at Cali who looked as confused as me.
“Tiyang, bakit naman ganiyan ’yang feslak mo?” tanong niya at napanguso.
Her aunt just smiled at her. Nilingon niya ako.
“You’re pregnant. Congrats,” aniya.
Ilang beses akong kumurap-kurap. Nilingon ko si Cali na parang na-estatwa sa kaniyang puwesto. I suddenly felt cold, parang sumalida ulit ’yung hilo ko… Ano’ng sabi niya? Me, pregnant? What?
“Ako po?” I pointed at myself. “Buntis?” I choked a sob.
“Yes, you’re pregnant. I’ll refer you to my—”
“Buntis?” ulit ko. Ano ba’ng rhyming na word sa pregnant? Baka naman mali lang ’yung rinig ko. “Ako?”
Her aunt sighed and nodded again. “Yes, Franceska. You’re—”
“Ako—”
“Ikaw nga!” My shoulders jumped when Cali shouted. Napahipo ako sa dibdib ko dahil sa gulat. Sinaway siya ng tiyahin niya. “Alangan namang ako? Kanino bang results ’yan?!”
Oh, my God.
Nagsasalita iyong tiyahin niya ngunit wala akong marinig. Kinapa ko iyong tiyan ko… may bata sa loob? Totoo ba ’to? This wasn’t on my plan.
But a huge part of me wanted to keep the child. Nakakatakot lang dahil, sarili ko nga nahihirapan na akong buhayin, pa’no pa kapag may anak na ’ko?
I could always go home to ask my parents for help, but I didn’t want them to worry about me. Ayaw ko ring maging pabigat. I could still work while pregnant, right?
Gustong-gusto ko ’tong baby… pero ano ba’ng alam ko sa pagbubuntis? Sa pagiging nanay? Wala!
Saka pa’no ko ’to sasabihin sa tatay ko?! E alam naman nilang break na kami ni Ryo! Baka mamaya mahirapan pa akong ilabas si Tatay sa kulungan kasi sigurado akong tutugisin niya ’yong ex kong ’yon! Dahil OA rin ’yon, baka akalain pang nag-break kami kasi nabuntis ako!
When we got out of the hospital, my whole head was still spinning with all the information that I was forced to digest. I’ll just ask Cali to repeat all the doctor’s reminders later. Hindi ko kaya. Ayaw ko munang mag-isip.
“Ano, girl? Uwi na tayo?” she asked. I shook my head. I rubbed my palms together and tapped my cheeks twice. I need to get a grip.
Eto na, e. Nandito na ’to. Gusto ko rin naman.
“No. May pupuntahan pa tayo,” I told her and started walking.
“Saan?”
“Sa tatay nito,” sagot ko. Saan pa ba?
It’s unfair kung hindi ko sasabihin sa kaniya. We’re adults. Hindi ko siya para pagtaguan at pagdamutan. Anak niya ’to. Wala naman akong ibang naging ex. Wala naman akong ibang naka-sex.
Unless dala-dala ko ang next Jesus Christ, anak ’to ni Ryo. Anak namin ’to.
I didn’t really care kung ayaw niya sa bata. I just needed to inform him, then, his parents. Mas mabuti na iyong may malalapitan ako sakali mang magipit ako nang tuluyan at hindi ko matutustusan iyong anak ko. Knowing his family… kung pera lang ang pag-uusapan, hindi nila ako kailangan dahil kaya nilang buhayin ’tong magiging apo nila, at kahit ata magiging anak pa nitong anak ko. They’re that rich.
Mabuti na lang at naro’n pa si Ryo sa gym ng school. Kaga-graduate lang namin noong Mayo at siguro’y naro’n lang siya para gumamit ng facilities o samahan ’yung Tito niyang basketball coach. Whatever the reason is, pabor sa ’kin na madali ko siyang mahahagilap.
“Ano, keri?” Cali whispered when I finally saw Ryo, sitting on the courtside bench. Katabi niya si Tito Finn na umiinom ng shake habang nanonood do’n sa players na nagpa-practice. On the other side of the court is Ryo’s uncle, the team’s coach.
“I’m not nervous,” I said, though I’m not so sure about that. Lagi ko ngang nakikita ang pagmumukha niya pero ngayon ko lang ulit siya makikita nang personal. The last time I saw him face-to-face was when we broke up.
Kahit na nanlalamig pa rin ang palad ko ay dire-diretso lang ang lakad ko hanggang sa makarating ako sa tapat niya. Saglit na kumunot ang kaniyang noo nang harangan ko iyong panonood niya bago niya i-angat ang tingin sa ’kin. Sumulyap ako kay Tito Finn na napatigil sa paghigop nang makita ako. He knows me. Hindi man kami super public ni Ryo sa campus, kilala naman ako ng pamilya niya. And when we were still together, that’s all that mattered to me. That was enough for me to trust him.
“What are you doing?” tanong niya.
I shifted my gaze to Tito. “Hello po,” I greeted and bowed a little. Tumango si Tito sa ’kin bago lingunin si Ryo. He stood up and tapped Ryo on the shoulders, as if he’s saying that he’s about to leave us alone.
“Ano’ng kailangan mo, Frankie?” Ryo sounded so bitter. I couldn’t blame him. Maybe if I weren’t busy, I would be as bitter as him dahil dinamdam ko na rin iyong apat na taon naming napunta sa wala.
I took a deep breath and glanced at his father. Hindi ko alam kung aalis ba talaga siya o ano dahil ang bagal ng kilos niya sa pagbukas ng gym bag at pagkuha ng kung ano ro’n.
Whatever. So what if hears? Ipapaalam ko rin naman sa kanila ni Tita.
“I’m pregnant,” I dropped the bomb so casually. Nagusot ang mukha ko nang mabilaukan si Tito at panay ang ubo ro’n sa may likuran. When I looked at Ryo, it seemed like he lost all the blood in his face. His jaw dropped as he looked at me with his eyes wide open.
“Ano?” ulit niya, mahina at mariin, hindi makapaniwala.
“Buntis ako,” I repeated. My breath came out shaky.
“Congrats, Ryo! Tatay ka na.”
Chapter 01: Moving In
#hhfm01 chapter 01: Moving In
“Patay tayo sa Mommy mo.”
I looked at Tito. Ngayon ay nilapitan na niya kaming dalawa. Ryo remained silent, maybe he’s still on a state of shock. Palipat-lipat ang tingin ko sa kanilang dalawa. At least, Tito already knows. Hindi na ako mahihirapang sabihin kay Tita Rayi kasi… trabaho na nila ’yun. Hindi naman sa masungit si Tita sa ’kin, sadyang ilag lang lang ako sa kaniya mula pa no’ng una kasi feeling ko nasa ibang level siya.
“Ilang buwan na ’yan?” tanong ni Tito.
“Two, I think po,” I answered. Wala ako masyadong natandaan sa sinabi ni Doktora kanina kasi nga ito ang bumabagabag sa isip ko.
“Putragis, Ryo. Patay talaga tayo sa Mommy mo,” mariin niyang sabi. “Dalawang buwan tapos hindi mo alam?”
Ryo’s jaw tightened. Masama niya akong tiningnan. Tinaasan ko lang siya ng kilay. He shifted his gaze away from me with a sneer. I clenched my fists so hard, dahil kung hindi, baka lumipad na ’to sa pagmumukha niya. What’s with that look? It’s not like I wanted to see him!
“Break na kasi kami, Tito,” sabi ko sa tatay niya. Tito Finn pursed his lips and scratched his nape. Sinulyapan ko si Ryo at nahuli ko siyang inirapan ako. I sighed heavily. Matinding pagtitimpi talaga ang kailangan ko sa lalaking ’to. Para sa bata.
“Oo nga…” awkward na tugon ni Tito. Hindi ko nga alam kung gusto na niyang batukan ’yong anak niya kasi hindi nagsasalita, at halata sa mukha niyang inis na inis na rin siya, kasi ako, gustong-gusto ko na.
“Alam na ba ng magulang mo?” Ryo asked, still refusing to look at me. I doubt na focused pa siya sa game dahil masyadong pirmi iyong mata niya. Whenever I watch a game with him before, hindi napipirmi ’yung bibig at mata niya.
“No,” I replied. Wala akong balak na ipaalam. Napahilot na lang ako sa sentido. For sure, pauuwiin agad ako at hindi ’yon p’wede dahil may trabaho pa ako rito. Higit sa lahat, ayaw ko ngang mag-aalala sila sa ’kin. I think I can do this… I have Cali. Maybe she could help.
At isa pa, kahit na ex ko na ang gunggong na ’to, nag-aalala pa rin ako sa p’wedeng gawin ng Tatay ko sa kaniya. Noong unang bisita niya nga sa ’min, kulang na lang e pakitaan siya ng pamugot-ulo at tutukan ng revolver. Partida, boyfriend ko pa lang siya no’n. Hindi na ’yon nasundan dahil bukod sa mahaba ang biyahe pauwi, nakakahiya kay Ryo.
Alalang-alala pa ’ko nung una kung pa’no magkikita ang magulang namin… kaso ’yon nga, nag-break kami kaya wala nang gano’n na magaganap.
“We need to tell Mommy,” aniya na sobrang hina, parang ayaw niyang iparinig. Tito Finn grunted and smacked lightly him on the head. I bit the insides of my cheeks to keep myself from laughing.
“What?” iritableng tanong ni Ryo sa tatay niya. “She’ll be furious kapag nanganak na si Frankie tapos saka lang niya malalaman. My child would be her first grandchild. She would be surprised… but it’s not like she’s going to kick me out.”
“Ikaw, ’di ka palalayasin no’n; anak ka e! Ako pagagalitan nu’n!” Tito pointed at himself. Nasapo na lang niya ang kaniyang noo. “Tangina, Ryo. Sakit mo sa ulo.”
Napabuga ng hininga si Ryo. Nang magtama ang paningin namin ay sabay na lumukot ang mukha namin. I shook my head to myself as I looked away. What I was expecting after we broke up is that our paths would never cross again. Mula naman noon, I had alwayds considered him as out of my league. Ang inaasahan ko na lang ay makita siya araw-araw sa TV at sa mga endorsements niya.
“Mag-usap muna kayo,” sabi ni Tito Finn bago kuhanin iyong gym bag at iwan kami ro’n. Akala ko nga hihilahin pa ni Ryo pabalik si Tito kasi ang lala nung reaksiyon niya! Mukha siyang batang iniwan sa taong hindi niya kakilala. Parang hindi niya kayang kaming dalawa lang ang mag-uusap e anak naman namin ’to. Feeling niya ba gusto ko siyang kausap? Kung hindi nga lang dahil sa baby, hindi ko siya kakausapin.
I cleared my throat. I decided to be the bigger person dahil kung hindi, baka mag-away pa kami sa harap ng players at nina Tito. Nakakahiya.
He sighed heavily, again. Nilingon niya ang bandang tiyan ko. “Kailan mo pa nalaman?”
“Kanina lang.” I looked at Cali who’s now busy watching the game. Binalik ko ang tingin sa kaniya. “Kagagaling lang namin ni Cali sa doktor.”
“Sure kang buntis ka?” tanong niya na siyang ikinataas ng kilay ko.
“Kung ayaw mo sa bata, sabihin mo na lang—”
“Nagtatanong lang naman ako.” Bahagyang tumaas ang kaniyang boses. He clicked his tongue and his fingers laced through his hair before pulling it a bit, frustrated.
“Galit ka kaagad.”
“Blood test ’yun. Kung gusto mo, samahan mo ’kong magpa-check ulit.” I crossed my arms. Masama pa rin ang tingin niya sa ’kin pero halata ko na ang bahid ng pag-aalala. Siguro takot din ’to sa nanay niya.
“Ano’ng plano mo sa bata?” he asked. He stretched his neck before standing.
“Ewan, baka ’yung ilabas siya after seven months. Bakit, may iba ka pa bang suggestion?” I raised a brow. Kita ko kung paano nagngitngit iyong ngipin niya sa inis. Kung may nanonood siguro sa ’min ngayon na hindi namin kakilala, hindi iisipin na four years din kaming nagsama.
Ang dami naming plano after graduation… kaso after two months lang ata, naghiwalay na kami.
He shot me a look. Nilabanan ko iyong titig niya. Isang buwan pa lang ang nakalilipas mula no’ng naghiwalay kami pero parang hindi ko na siya makilala.
I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. Para saan pa ang panghihinayang? E okay na naman ako ngayon. Mukha namang okay lang siya. “Ayaw mo ba? Hindi naman kita pinipilit na magpaka-tatay—”
“Anak ko ’yan, Frankie. Ano ba’ng sinasabi mo?!” he cut me off harshly. Nang pumito iyong tiyuhin niya ay napalingon siya. I looked on the opposite direction because the players are looking at us already! Ang lakas kasi ng boses niya! Ako ’yung sasabihian niya ng galit agad e siya ’tong laging nakasigaw!
“Sorry, Coach!” he shouted. He massaged the bridge of his nose and the team continued with their practice. “Pananagutan ko ’yang bata,” sabi niya, mas mahina ngayon.
Napangibit ako ro’n. Instead of arguing, tumango na lang ako. Tutal ay wala naman siya masyadong violent reaction dito sa anak niya, mas pinili ko na lang na manahimik. At least p’wede kong abusuhin ’yung yaman niya. Kung dati nagagawa ko pang hindi mag-lunch dahil nanghihinayang ako sa pera, hindi na ’yon p’wede ngayon dahil may nabubuhay na rito sa loob ko. Kaya kahit anong gawin ko, wala akong choice kundi ang pakisamahan si Ryo. What I need is not Ryo per se anyway, but his money.
“Pero kailangan nating sabihin kay Mommy…” aniya at bumagsak ang balikat. Lihim akong kinabahan do’n. Hindi ko kasi mawari kung pa’no mag-rereact si Tita.
“Hay nako,” sambit niya sa sarili at napahugot ng malalim na hininga. Hindi ko alam kung masaya ba siyang magiging tatay siya dahil mukha talaga siyang nalugi.
Pero ano pa ba’ng aasahan ko? I’m sure na kahit one month pa lang ang nakakalipas, may bago na siyang pinagkaka-interesan. Hindi naman mahirap makahanap ng ipapalit sa ’kin. He’s the freaking Orion Mavinne Canencia, for fuck’s sake. Siya ang nilalapitan. Hindi siya ang nagmamakaawang mapansin.
His phone suddenly rang. Kumunot ang noo niya at pinatay rin agad ang tawag. I averted my gaze when he suddenly looked at me while he’s typing something. Baka isipin niya pang interesado ako sa kausap niya.
“P’wede ka bang pumunta sa—” Naputol iyong sasabihin niya dahil tumunog ulit ang phone niya. He clicked his tongue and turned his back on me when he answered it.
“Mamaya ka na tumawag, Talie,” narinig kong sabi niya. My tongue poked the inside of my cheek upon hearing that name.
Of course, Natalie Alvarez, the one with the highest probability of being his new girlfriend. Court-side reporter pa lang siya, alam ko nang may gusto siya kay Ryo. She was never vocal about her hatred towards me, pero ramdam ko naman. Hindi naman ako bothered sa kaniya noon, at ngayong wala na kami ni Ryo, lalo lang akong nawalan ng pakialam sa kaniya. I just hope na hindi niya idadamay ang magiging anak ko sa kung anomang galit niya sa ’kin. Besides, pera at suporta nga lang ni Ryo ang gusto ko. I don’t want him back.
“Pwede ka bang pumunta sa bahay mamaya? Sasabihan ko si Mommy na pupunta tayo para hindi siya mabigla,” he said while putting back his phone in his pocket.
Nagsalubong agad ang kilay ko ro’n. Nahihibang ba siya? Ngayon agad?! Hindi ako prepared!
“Can’t we do it next week?” I suggested. His lips twisted as he shook his head, gusto pa ring ’yung gusto niya ang masusunod.
“Bakit? May gagawin ka ba?” tanong niya, pagalit na naman ang tono.
“Kailangan ko bang sagutin ’yan?” tanong ko pabalik. Napangiwi siya at mariing napakamot sa kaniyang ulo.
“Hindi ako curious sa ’yo. Tinatanong ko kung bakit hindi p’wedeng mamaya na natin sabihin kay Mommy. Malilintikan kami ni Daddy kapag nalaman niyang alam na namin tapos hindi agad sinabi sa kaniya,” he explained.
My brow arched. “And so? Problema ko ba ’yan?” I rolled my eyes. E ’yung problema ko ba sa parents ko nginudngod ko sa mukha niya? Hindi naman, a!
He let out an exasperated gasp. “Ang hirap mo talagang kausap,” may panggigigil niyang sabi. “We have to tell my Mom—”
“You know what,” I cut him off, which made him look more frustrated than ever. “Inii-stress mo ako e buntis nga ako. Problema mo na ’yan. Sabihin mo kung gusto mo, hindi ako sasama,” I said then turned my back on him. Si Cali ay dali-daling tumayo nang ayos at hinawakan ako sa braso pagkalapit ko.
Sumulyap ako kay Ryo. Naabutan ko siyang nakapamewang habang nakatingala. Inalis ko agad ang tingin sa kaniya at hinayaan siyang magdusa ro’n mag-isa. I’m not ready to tell his mother, yet! Mas malakas ang loob kong magsabi kay Tito Finn dahil mas magaan ang vibes niya kaysa kay Tita. Bahala na silang mag-ama kung kailan at paano nila iyon sasabihin. Basta ako, nasabihan ko na sila. Then after giving birth, ang poproblemahin ko naman ay paano uuwi at sasabihin ’to kina Tatay.
* * *
Alam ko na agad kung ano ang pinakaayaw ko sa pagbubuntis: ’yong nagsusuka ako tuwing umaga. Sigurado akong may mas malala pa rito, pero sa ngayon, ito talaga ang hindi ko kayang tagalan. Hindi na talaga ako magbubuntis ulit.
I’m sure Ryo used protection the last time we had sex, but maybe the condom broke. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit kailangan ko pang mabuntis—lalo na ngayong break na kami. Ini-imagine ko pa lang, nasususot na agad ako dahil hindi ko kayang halos araw-araw makita ang pagmumukha ni Ryo, tapos sasamahan niya ako sa doktor na magtatanong kung mag-asawa ba kami. P’wede kaya kaming magkasundong bibigyan na lang niya ako ng pera sa bangko? Hindi ko naman siya tatakbuhan e. Makikilala niya pa rin ’yung anak namin; ’di ko ipagdadamot. Ayaw ko lang talaga siyang makita nang madalas dahil nananawa na ako sa mukha niya.
“Ako na diyan,” Cali said and grabbed the frying pan from me. Since wala rin ako sa mood kumilos, hinayaan ko na lang siya. Kaiisip ko ata sa mukha ni Ryo ay naubos na agad ang energy ko for the day.
Habang nanonood ng TV ay tinutuyo ko ang buhok ko. Cali told me that I have to listen to the doctor next time dahil para rin iyon sa ikabubuti ko. Alam ko naman yon, sadyang occupied lang ang isip ko kahapon kung pa’no sasabihin sa tatay nitong baby ko ’yung tungkol sa kaniya.
Kasi naman, never kong naisip na magkikita ulit kami, dahil wala na talaga akong balak makipagkita sa kaniya. Tama na ’yong pinagmumumura ko sa isip ko’yung billboard niya. Ang malala pa nito, ngayong nagkita pa kami, ay dahil pa sa nabuntis pala niya ako!
Halos ibato ko ’yung remote sa TV nang lumabas ’yung pagmumukha ni Ryo. I-expose ko kaya siya? Hindi naman totoong favorite energy drink niya ’yong kino-commercial niya e. Hindi pati siya mahilig sa mga ganiyan. Ang favorite niya no’n e ’yung mga tetrapack na juice, kaya nga lagi kaming mayro’n ni Cali sa ref no’n dati dahil para sa kaniya.
Tumunog iyong cellphone ko. Hindi registered ’yung number kaya nag-alangan akong sagutin, pero naalala kong paiba-iba ng number iyong editors namin, so I picked it up and answered it.
“He—”
“Nakaligo ka na ba?”
Kumunot ang noo ko nang marinig ’yon. Kilalang-kilala ko iyong boses at imposibleng magkamali ako—araw-araw ko’ yan narinig sa apat na taon! Ang tanong e bakit niya ako tinatanong ng gano’ng klaseng tanong?!
“You sound creepy, papatayin ko na ’to—”
“Mommy wants to see you,” mabilis niyang sabi. I heard him sigh. “As soon as possible.”
Bumagsak ang panga ko ro’n. Kailan niya sinabi?! Kahapon? Agad-agad? Akala ko ba naduduwag siya sa nanay niya?! Pa’no niya nagawang sabihin agad?
“T-Teka lang.” I started to grow nervous. Pumasok ako sa k’warto at naghalughog ng damit do’n. “Hindi ako makakarating agad. Traffic kaya, tapos mag-cocommute lang ako—”
“May naghihintay na sasakyan sa ’yo sa kanto niyo diyan. Kilala ka naman nung driver. Bilisan mo,” sunod-sunod niyang sabi at bigla akong pinayayan ng tawag. Wala talaga siyang manners!
Lalo lang ata akong na-pressure gawa nung sinabi niyang may sasakyan daw na naghihintay sa ’kin. ’Pag nagtagal ako, parang ang pa-imporrante ko naman masyado! Kahit nga ayaw ko pang makita si Tita, napipilitan tuloy akong kumilos ngayon!
I’m not even sure if I should wear a blouse and slacks, or skirt, or a dress! Hindi ko rin alam kung makakapag-make-up pa ’ko dahil nga may naghihintay na sa ’kin. Gusto ko pa sanang palitan ang suot kong jumpsuit pero nang mapansing sampung minuto mahigit na akong naghahanap ng isusuot ay hindi ko na lang iyon pinansin. Agad akong nagsuot ng sandals at kinuha ’yung bag ko at halos paliguan ang sarili ko ng pabango. Kahit naman ata anong ayos ko, magmumukha akong basahan sa tabi ng nanay niya.
“Cali, I’ll be out,” sabi ko habang nag-aayos ng mga nakikita kong kalat habang naglalakad palabas. I heard her call my name but I just ignored her. Mamaya na ako mag-eexplain! Wala akong time!
Halos magkandatala-talapid na ako habang binabaybay ang daan palabas. I spotted one of their Audis on the corner of the street, at pinagtitinginan iyon dahil minsan lang may mapadpad na gano’ng kagarang sasakyan dito sa lugar namin. Their driver even bowed to me kahit na sure akong mas matanda siya! Tinawanan lang ako nito nang gayahin ko iyong ginawa niya. Parang bigla akong sinampal ulit kung ga’no kayaman sila Ryo. Hindi talaga magugutom ang anak ko sa kaniya.
Kabado ako buong biyahe. Tanda ko noong huling punta ko rito na kaunti lang ang kasambahay nila dahil ayaw ng parents niya na marami, at mukhang gano’n pa rin naman hanggang ngayon. Mas marami pa nga ang sasakyan nila kaysa sa tauhan!
Nangapa pa ako kung ano’ng gagawin no’ng bumaba ako sa sasakyan. Ang bumungad sa ’kin ay si Ryo na nakasimangot at mukhang kaliligo lang dahil basa pa iyong buhok niya. He didn’t bother to greet me or what, at wala naman akong pakialam do’n. Sinundan ko lang siya papasok.
Pabagal na nang pabagal ang lakad ko nang matanaw ko na iyong pamilya niya sa living room nila. Hindi ko alam kung ilang buwan na mula noong huling punta ko rito, pero hindi ko pa rin mapigilan ang mapanganga. The house itself is not that big, ang dami pang libre sa malaking lupa nila, pero kahit na gano’n ay alam kong mas mahal pa sa buhay ko iyong mga displays. Feeling ko ay hihimatayin ako nang makita si Tita na kausap si Tito at ’yong kapatid ni Ryo.
“My, andito na si Frankie,” anunsyo pa ni Ryo kaya lalo lang akong nanlamig. Tita smiled at me and stood up. I was so stiff kahit na nag-beso-beso kami. I smiled at Raianne, Ryo’s younger sister. I guess alam na rin niya na buntis ako dahil pagkatapos ay pinukol na niya sa bandang tiyan ko ’yung tingin niya.
“Hello po,” magalang kong bati. Hindi ko alam kung uupo ba ako sa couch dahil wala namang nagsasabing p’wede akong umupo. Ryo’s mother is scary. Hindi naman siya masungit, pero feel ko kasi kapag nagkamali ako, huhusgahan na niya ako nang palihim.
“Sit down, hija,” Tita Rayi said. “Ryo, tumayo ka diyan.”
Ryo groaned but stood up, giving me his space. Pum’westo siya sa tabi ni Raianne. Si Tito Finn ay napailing na lang.
“Is it true? You’re pregnant?” Tita Rayi asked after a long-ass moment of silence. Pagkaupo ko kasi ay tinitigan lang niya ako nang matagal. Hindi ko alam kung sa utak niya ay ginagawa niya na ba akong bato o ano.
I glanced at Ryo. Napa-facepalm lamang siya. Raianne looked eager for my answer, at si Tito Finn ay napakamot na lang sa sentido.
“Opo,” sagot ko.
Katahimikan.
Nabasag lamang iyon nang tumili si Rai. Sinita agad siya ni Ryo ngunit walang pakialam ’yung isa at pinaghahampas pa siya sa braso.
“I’m going to be a Tita!” tili ni Rai. Ryo glared at her.
“So it’s true?” hindi makapaniwalang sabi ni Tita. Ryo grunted before shoving away his sister’s hands.
“Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit ayaw mong maniwala, My,” frustrated niyang sabi.
“Kasi puro kayo kalokohan niyang tatay mo,” sagot sa kaniya ni Tita bago tumayo. Tito Finn immediately looked away when Tita shot him a glare.
“Bakit ba ako?” pabulong nitong tanong. I only watched them, amused. Sobrang ligalig talaga nila kahit kailan. Hindi ako sanay dahil hindi naman kami ganito ka-ingay sa pamilya, unless lasing na ang mga tiyuhin ko at si Tatay.
“Ask someone to fix the guest room, then pasabihan ’yung secretary ko na contact-in ’yung OB-GYN na kilala ko. Then, have someone pick up Frankie’s things—”
“Po?” singit ko. Napatigil si Tita sa pag-uutos kay Ryo na mukhang naririndi na. Tita turned to face me, then she smiled. Pilit kong iniwas ang tingin sa logo ng Versace sa bathrobe niya. Jusko. Pwede ko bang hingin ’yan at ibenta na lang?
Napahawak tuloy ako sa may tiyan ko… Anak, bigatin ang lola mo. Hindi ka talaga magugutom.
“You said you’re pregnant,” aniya ngunit naguguluhan pa rin ako. Why would someone pick up my things? Ano’ng gagawin niya? Papalitan ba niya lahat?
“Oo nga po… pero bakit ni’yo po ipakukuha ’yung gamit ko?” I asked in the most polite tone I could do because the least thing I want is to have Ryo’s mother hate me.
Mukhang confused din siya dahil kumunot ang noo niya. Nilingon niya si Ryo. “Hindi ba dito na siya titira?”
“What?!” sabay naming sabi. Napatayo ako sa inuupuan ko.
Ryo sighed. “My, that’s not necessary—”
“Hindi ako papayag!” agad na angal ng nanay niya. “She’s carrying my grandchild so it’s best that she’s here so we can keep her safe and healthy!”
“A-Ayos lang naman po ako do’n sa apartment namin ni Cali—”
“Hindi ’yon ayos lang!” naghihisterya na niyang sabi kaya napatahimik ako. Oh, God.
Raianne swiftly stood up and left the scene dahil mukhang ayaw niyang madamay, habang si Tito Finn ay tumayo para hawakan si Tita sa balikat.
“Don’t tell me that you also don’t agree with my decision,” mariin na sabi ni Tita at tinutok kay Tito iyong pamaypay na hawak n’ya.
Agad na umiling si Tito Finn. “Payag ako, payag ako s’yempre,” mabilis niyang sagot. “Dito na lang muna titira si Frankie—”
“Dad!” reklamo ni Ryo. Tito shot him a glare. Ryo gasped. “I can’t believe this! Pati ikaw?”
Parang nahilo ata ako sa lakas ng boses nilang lahat. I massaged my temples. Hindi naman ito ’yung plano ko! I just want to let them know para may katulong ako sa gastusin, pero hindi iyong aabot sa ganito!
Napalingon ako kay Ryo. Araw-araw kong makikita ’yang mukhang ’yan? Araw-araw kong makakasalubong? Hindi na! Magpapapako na lang ako sa krus!
“Aalis na po ako,” mabilis kong sabi at nagmamadaling naglakad palabas. Narinig kong tinawag ako ni Tito Finn pero hindi ako lumingon. They’re insane! Ang awkward kaya!
Mabuti na lang at nakasakay agad ako kaya hindi nila ako naabutan. Nang makarating sa apartment ay binomba agad ako ni Cali ng mga tanong na mas pinili kong hindi sagutin.
Isang malaking kalokohan ’yung gusto nilang mangyari! Kaya ko namang alagaan ang sarili ko. Buntis ako, hindi baldado. Pwede naman nila akong tulungan nang hindi na kailangang ilagay ako ro’n sa puder nila. Okay naman ako rito e. Saka maii-stress lang ako ro’n dahil lagi kong makikita si Ryo! Baka mapa’no pa ’tong batang dala-dala ko! Isa pa, sobrang awkward naman no’n kung sakali mang may bagong girlfriend na si Ryo.
“Shit naman.” I groaned when I realized that my laptop wasn’t charging. Kasabay no’n ang pagtigil ng electric fan at pagbangon ni Cali mula sa kama.
“Brownout?” she asked. Tumango ako at tumayo. Kainis. Ang banas-banas pa naman! Kumuha agad ako ng towel at nagtungo sa kusina para patayin agad ’yung ref, baka kasi masira pa.
Nagsasalin ako ng tubig sa baso nang biglaang may bumusina sa labas. Kumunot ang noo ko dahil hindi ako sigurado kung sa ’min ba ’yon o sa katabing inuupahan. Kinuha ko iyong tuwalya at tinapis sa bandang balikat ko bago buksan iyong pinto.
“Bakit wal—”
“Gago ka!” bulyaw ko kay Ryo dahil bigla na lang siyang nagsalita pagkabukas ko ng pinto. Tinapik ko nang ilang beses ang dibdib ko para kumalma. His lips twisted in annoyance.
“Magugulatin pa rin. Kape kasi nang kape,” bulong niya ngunit narinig ko naman.
“Ano?”
“Bakit wala kayong ilaw sa labas?” he asked, ignoring my question.
“Bakit ka na’ndito?” tanong ko pabalik. Gabi na! Saka wala namang rason para mapadpad siya rito!
“Papasok ako,” aniya at pinagsiksikan iyong malaki niyang katawan sa entrada para makapasok.
“Ryo!” saway ko sa kaniya. This is trespassing, right?!
He went straight to our room. Si Cali ay saglit na napatili dahil basta-basta na lang pumasok si Ryo! He looked around, as if examining the place. Kinuha niya ’yung phone niya mula sa likurang bulsa ng kaniyang pantalon at binuksan ang flashlight dahil wala ngang ilaw.
“Bakit ang dilim?” he asked then faced me. “Did you not pay the bills?”
Agad na nag-init ang ulo ko ro’n. “Brownout, gunggong! Nagbabayad kami ng kuryente, ’no!”
He scoffed. Hindi ko alam kung bakit biglang may pa-investigation siya rito sa apartment namin e ilang beses na naman siyang nakapunta rito. Saulado na nga niya ’to e!
“You sleep on the floor?” mariin niyang tanong, matalim ang tingin sa kutsong nasa sahig at sa laptop kong nakap’westo ro’n.
“S-Siya ang may gusto niyan,” sabi ni Cali, probably feeling the need to defend herself dahil solo niya ’yung kama ngayon. “Nahihilo daw kasi siya sa taas tapos nagtatrabaho pa siya at diyan may outlet—”
“You’re still working? At this ungodly hour? Alam mong buntis ka, ’di ba?” Ryo asked then gave me a stern look. I pursed my lips and decided not to answer. He picked up my laptop and placed it on the table. Nagkatinginan kami saglit ni Cali. Hindi ko alam kung natatakot ba siyang nasa apartment namin ulit si Ryo, o nagniningning iyong mata niya at nangangati ang kamay na magsulat ng scoop about dito—na s’yempre ’di niya gagawin dahil kakalbuhin ko siya.
“Alin ang cabinet mo?” tanong niya. Hindi ako ulit sumagot. He clicked his tongue and looked at Cali. “Alin ang kay Frankie rito?”
“’Yung nasa kanan,” sagot ng traydor kong kaibigan. Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mata. Bakit ba siya natatakot kay Ryo?!
“What are you doing?” I asked when I saw Ryo starting to get all my clothes out of my cabinet and put them on the bed. Wala siyang pakialam sa tanong ko at nagpatuloy lang sa ginagawa.
“Ryo! Ano’ng ginagawa mo?!” tanong ko at nagmartsa palapit. I held his arm to stop him from grabbing more of my clothes.
He stopped and sighed harshly. “Ano ba’ng ine-expect mo? Papayag akong dito ka tumira ngayong nakita ko kung anong lagay mo rito?” He shook his head. “No, Frankie. Anak ko rin ’yang dala mo.”
Hinigit niya nang tuluyan iyong mas maliliit na lagayan sa loob. I kept on trying to shove my clothes inside Cali’s cabinet instead ngunit inuunahan niya ako at hinihigit iyon mula sa hawak ko. One of my skirts was ripped dahil hingit niya nang p’wersahan mula sa kapit ko. Nababaliw na ba siya?!
“Babayaran ko,” agad niyang sabi. Dapat lang! “Stop being fucking stubborn, Franceska Isabel. Ayusin mo na ’yang gamit mo sa kotse ko.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?!” I shouted on his face, not minding if Cali’s watching. Naabutan niya na nga kaming nagmo-MOMOL ni Ryo, ano pa’ng ikahihiya ko?
“No,” seryoso niyang sagot at binato iyong bag ko ro’n sa kama nang wala man lang kahit kaunting pag-iingat. Palibahasa kaya niyang palitan!
He stared at me intently, kahit sa dilim ay kita ko ang talim ng mata niya. “You’re moving in to our house.”
Chapter 02: Cravings
#hhfm02 chapter 02: Cravings
“Magsalita ka naman.”
Parang walang narinig si Cali at panay pa rin ang tingin sa mga gamit dito sa kuwarto. I sighed and put my laptop in sleep mode bago iyon ilagay sa mesa. Kanina pa siya manghang-mangha sa lahat ng makikita niya, at kulang na lang ay kuhanan niya ng picture lahat.
I couldn’t blame her, though. This room looked like it was made for a royalty. Pagkarating ko rito ay inaayos pa nga kaya do’n ako sa kuwarto ni Raianne tumambay, which is a lot bigger than this. Ryo brought all of my clothes here at buong gabi ay inayos ko ’yong mga damit ko sa wall closet. Wala pa nga ata sa one-fourth iyong sinakop ng damit ko. I have a few shoes left sa apartment, pero kahit na ilagay ko ’yon dito, ang dami pa ring space. Hindi nga ako makapaniwalang may taong mapupuno iyong ganito kalaking aparador.
The bathroom had a small tub. Wala iyong masyadong laman bukod sa common necessities, na feeling ko nga ay imported pa. Nakakalula talaga. Solo ko rin ang malaking kama.
Finally, napirmi rin si Cali at umupo na sa may dulo ng kama. Maya-maya ay binagsak niya ang katawan sa kutson. “Hindi ko gets… pa’no mo ’to nagawang tanggihan?”
I stood up and put on the slides Ryo brought here this morning. When he saw that I was awake, iniwan niya lang do’n sa may pinto at walang sabi-sabing lumabas na. Pabor naman ako ro’n. Agang-aga ba naman kasi, mukha talaga niya ang makikita ko?
“Baka nakalilimutan mong bahay ’to ng ex ko,” I reminded her. She snorted loudly.
“Kahit pa, Frankie. Mas okay na nga ’yung dito ka, lalo na’t buntis ka pa,” aniya. Kinuha ko iyong paper bag na dala niya na may laman ng mga gamit kong naiwan namin ni Ryo dahil nga atat na atat siyang ilipat ako rito sa bahay nila.
“Nga pala… pa’no ka? Magre-resign ka ba?”
Napatigil ako. I sighed and put down the sticky notes on the drawer. “Ayaw ko. Hindi ko pa alam. Hindi pa naman kami nag-uusap ni Ryo e.”
He wasn’t here during breakfast. Tita told me that he was out for a morning jog. Hindi na rin ako aware kung anong oras siya bumalik kasi umakyat na ako ulit dito sa kuwarto dahil hindi ako komportableng mag-stay do’n sa living room. May TV rin naman dito sa kuwarto, na hindi ko pa nga alam kung pa’no buksan. Buti na lang dumating si Cali at siya ang nagbukas no’n. Nakakatakot naman kasi mangialam ng gamit! Sure akong ’pag nasira ko, baka kuba na ako sa pagtatrabaho ay ’di ko pa nababayaran pabalik.
Kaninang lunch, wala siya ulit. Ang sabi ni Rai ay umalis daw sila ni Tito at nagpunta ulit sa gym, so I guess he’s really going for his dream. Noong kami pa ay ilang beses ko nang narinig sa kaniya na gusto talaga niyang pumasok sa professional team. I had always been supportive. Doon siya masaya, e.
Hindi ko pa alam kung paano nga ako magpapaalam kina Tita na may trabaho pa ako. I already have a feeling na… well, kokontrahin niya ako agad. Aside sa fact na feeling ko ay sobrang praning siya sa pinagbubuntis ko, I work for the rival company. I landed a job sa kabilang kompaniya since I declined Ryo’s offer na ipasok akong staffer do’n sa magazine na mina-manage ni Tita.
Isa pa, I don’t think I’m ready to be part of Lure, an established lifestyle magazine. Hindi ko ma-imagine kung gaano kataas ang standards nila roon dahil kung tama ang pagkakaalala ko, sa 30 countries na nagci-circulate ang editions nila. Until now, I’m not even certain yet if Ryo’s mother owns the whole company! I can’t cross out the possibility dahil sa New York din naka-base iyong Bright Lights Media, at nasabi sa ’kin ni Ryo na laging nando’n ang pamilya niya dati. It’s either his mother owns a part of it, o baka isa lang siya sa mga importanteng tao sa team dito sa Pinas.
Hindi ko talaga alam kung papayag ba sila. It’s either I quit my job, or magkaro’n kami ng agreement na I can still work pero hindi na lang ako papasok sa office. Sobrang praning ng nanay niya! Hindi ko naman kayang pumasok sa office nang may sariling driver at may taga-bantay pa. For sure pagchi-chismisan ako sa trabaho.
“E kailan ninyo balak mag-usap?”
Agad na nagusot ang mukha ko ro’n. Aba, malay ko. Basta ang alam ko lang, hindi ako mauunang makipag-usap sa kaniya. Saka hindi naman ata kailangan na sa kaniya ako magsabi, puwede namang kina Tito na lang.
“Hindi ko alam… Bahala siya,” iyon lang ang naisagot ko. I cleared my throat. “Nga pala, paano ka? Gusto mo bang bumalik ako?”
She chuckled. “Hindi na. Saka, baka kina Tita muna ako mag-stay nang mag-stay. Okay lang dalhin ko ro’n ’yung ref? Seven months ka ring mawawala, ’di ko kaya ’yung rent. Nagpapaaral pa ako ng kapatid.”
“Wala naman akong paglalagyan ng ref na ’yon dito,” sabi ko sa kaniya. I somehow feel bad for leaving Cali. Sabi ko nga sa kaniya kanina ay dito na lang din siya tumira dahil baka kaya ko namang pakiusapan sina Tita. Siya naman ang umayaw dahil kahit ga’no kaganda ’yung lugar, nahihiya raw siya.
“Kailan ka magpapa-check up kasama ’yung Daddy?” she asked. Napasimangot agad ako dahil naalala ko na naman. Sana lang talaga ay ’wag magtanong kung mag-asawa kami, o kaya e baka Mrs. Canencia ang itawag sa ’kin.
“Malay ko ro’n,” sagot ko dahil hindi ko talaga alam. Wala akong alam na kahit ano, actually. Para kasing bata si Ryo, ayaw akong kausapin! Kay Rai tuloy ako laging lumalapit ’pag may kailangan, e busy rin ’yon dahil graduating.
“Saka pa’no ’yan ’pag nanganak ka na? Kanino ’yang bata?”
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot. Gusto ko sanang sa ’kin, pero hindi ko alam kung papayag ba sila. Kapag nanganak na ’ko, s’yempre uuwi ako sa probinsya… at masyado ’yong malayo rito. Hindi ko naman talaga ipagdadamot ’yung bata, pero parang ang hirap ng set-up namin kung sakali.
“Ayoko munang isipin,” I told her. Isa pa ’yon sa hindi pa namin napag-uusapan ni Ryo… Lalo talaga kaming magkakaproblema lalo na’t hindi kami nag-uusap.
Makita pa lang niya ako, hindi niya tinatago na naiirita siya. Ako rin naman, pero at least mature ako at mas pinipiling hindi na lang siya pansinin!
Umuwi rin si Cali dahil maghahakot pa siya sa apartment. She promised to visit me again after cleaning up at dadalhin niya iyong mga naiwan kong gamit. Since mag-isa na naman ako, wala akong choice kundi magpalipat-lipat ng channels sa TV at mag-check ng e-mail every five minutes dahil wala talaga akong magawa. Gusto kong bumaba pero wala naman akong gagawin do’n. Wala si Rai kaya wala rin akong maaya na samahan ako ro’n sa garden nila. Para tuloy akong preso.
Wala akong ginawa kundi matulog at manood ng movies sa TV. Pagkagising ko ay naligo ako saglit at nagbasa-basa sa internet kung ano ba’ng bawal sa buntis. Next time talaga na pupunta kami sa OB, makikinig na ’ko nang mabuti.
Mahina akong napamura nang biglaang may kumatok sa pinto. I closed my laptop before getting the door. Sabay na nagusot ang mukha namin ni Ryo after ko siyang pagbuksan. Tumabi ako at bumalik sa puwesto ko at hinayaan siyang makapasok. I don’t know what he needs, pero sana naman ay mag-usap na kami.
My eyes flew to the bowl he put beside my laptop. Kumuha siya ng piraso roon at kinagatan bago hilahin iyong mas maliit na upuan sa may wall closet. Kahit na nakakatakam iyong sliced apples na dala niya ay pinili kong hindi kumuha. Baka kasi mamaya kapag kumuha ako, ang sabihin niya e bakit ko binawasan e kaniya ’yon. Isip-bata pa naman ’to.
Itinukod niya ang kaniyang siko sa mesa habang kumakain. He kept on pushing the bowl towards me, pero wala namang vocal na pag-aalok kaya hindi ako kumukuha. I had to cross my arms para pigilan iyong kamay kong kumuha ro’n.
“Ano’ng ginawa mo kanina?” tanong niya.
“Required ba akong mag-report sa ’yo?” My brow arched. Napasimangot siya ro’n at nagsalubong ang kilay.
“Lagi kang galit e… Nagtatanong lang ako,” nagmamaktol niyang sabi at kumuha ulit do’n sa mangkok. I saw him subtly push the bowl towards me using his finger.
I sighed. Pumunta ba siya rito para inggitin ako ro’n sa kinakain niya?
“I have work tomorrow,” I informed him. His head bobbed to the side. His huge left hand grabbed the bowl and put it on top of my laptop. Agad ko siyang sinita at inalis ’yon ro’n. Ginawa niya pang patungan ’tong laptop ko!
“Kumuha ka na, kaya ko nga dinala ’yan para kainin mo,” masungit niyang sabi. Nang ilipat ko ang tingin sa kaniya ay mabilis siyang umiwas. Inirapan niya pa ako!
Hinayaan ko na ang sariling kumain. Hindi kami nag-imikan hanggang sa maubos ko ’yon. Tatanungin ko sana kung gusto niya pa pero mukhang wala na siyang balak kumuha dahil naging busy na siya ro’n sa cellphone niya.
Nang mapansing naubos ko na iyon ay saka lang siya nag-angat ng tingin. “Hindi ka ba p’wedeng dito na lang sa bahay magtrabaho? Or else you would want Mommy to go crazy and have you followed around.”
“Hindi ko pa alam,” sagot ko, umiiling. “Magpapaalam pa kasi ako.”
He placed his phone on top of the table. He cupped his forehead while thinking. Malakas talaga ang feeling ko na pagre-resign-in nila ako, pero sayang naman ’yung progress ko for the past few weeks. I applied for the editorial position pero hindi ako napayagan dahil kailangan daw ay may experience muna as regular staffer lalo na’t fresh grad ako bago nila i-akyat ’yong position, that’s why I’ve been working hard since I got hired.
“Kanino ka magpapaalam?”
“Sa… editor namin,” nangangapa kong sagot. I know what he wants to hear and I don’t if I should say it.
“Sino?” he asked. Obviously, gusto niya talagang marinig iyong pangalan.
“Kay Nate,” nag-aalangan kong sagot.
His face immediately hardened. Umiwas siya ng tingin at padabog na dinampot ulit ’yung phone niya. Nasapo ko na lang ang noo. Magtatanong-tanong siya tapos magagalit siya! Parang tanga talaga!
Noon pa man, mainit na talaga ang dugo niya kay Nathan. Bukod kay Ryo, si Nathan iyong nagtangakang manligaw sa ’kin. Hindi naman gaanong ka-seloso si Ryo noong kami pa, pero kapag si Nathan talaga ang usapan, para siyang nag-iibang tao. Si Nathan na nga ang kusang sumuko dahil alam naman daw niya na hindi magpapatalo si Ryo, pero ’tong isa ay sobrang competitive at habang-buhay ata balak dalhin iyong kompetensiya sa pagitan nila. ’Yon nga lang… break na kami, kaya siguro naman mawawala na ’yung inis niya sa tao.
“Ipaayos mo na lang kay Cali ’yung resignation mo,” seryoso niyang sabi. My eyes widened at that. Tumayo na siya at dinampot ’yung mangkok at parang aalis na.
“You’re being irrational, Ryo!” I told him before he could even open the door. I heard him sigh. His hand reached for his nape at bahagya niya iyong pinisil-pisil bago ako lingunin.
“Pagre-resign-in ka rin naman ni Mommy, ako lang ang nagsabi sa ’yo.”
Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. “Sure ka? Or is it because I’m working with Nate?”
Agad na nagsalubong ang kilay niya ro’n. Nagawa niya pang tumawa pero alam ko namang inis na inis na siya. His jaw tightened after. “Wala naman akong pakialam do’n, Frankie. Pakialam ko ro’n?”
“I don’t want to quit my job!” I said firmly. Kusang kumuyuom ang kamao ko sa pagpipigil ng inis. Pakiramdam ko’y mapapaanak ako nang wala oras!
“I know,” tugon niya. His lips twisted. “That’s your dream job, Frankie. Of course you wouldn’t want to quit.”
Natahimik kami parehas. Sa huli ay bumalik siya sa puwesto niya kanina at pinatong ulit ’yung mangkok sa mesa. “Kakausapin ko si Mommy… but I really don’t think you can convince her na hindi ka rito sa bahay magtatrabaho.”
I didn’t bother to look at him. Pilit kong kinalma ang sarili dahil kapag naiinis ako, automatic na naluluha ako, at ayaw ko ngang mag-iiyak sa harapan niya!
“And… sorry, pinagtitripan lang naman kita e… mukhang iiyak ka kaagad,” mahina niyang sabi. My eyes snapped to his direction upon hearing that. Hindi siya makatingin sa ’kin at parang inaasinan sa puwesto niya dahil nag-sorry siya.
“Ano?” iritable niyang tanong nang mahuli niya akong nakatingin. I scoffed and looked away. Katatapos lang n’yang mag-sorry tapos balik na naman ’yung ugali niya. Nakatingin lang naman ako, naiinis na naman siya.
“Kailan tayo pupunta sa check-up?” I reminded myself that I need to ask my questions already dahil baka hindi na maulit ’tong mag-uusap kami nang ganito. Mukhang ang hirap din niyang hagilapin dahil lagi siyang paalis-alis.
“Sa Sabado sabi ni Mommy, umaga,” he answered. Tumayo na siya at kinuha na ulit ’yung mangkok.
“Busy nga pala ako; sa November na ang start ng drafting. Kung may kailangan ka habang wala ako, magsabi ka lang kahit kanino do’n sa baba.”
Tumango ako. “Okay,” I said and pulled out the drawer to get a sticky note. Sinusulat ko ro’n ang reminder ng check-up nang marinig kong sinarado na niya ang pinto at umalis na.
I shook my head to myself. I’m sure matagal pa bago kami makakapag-usap ulit nang matino. Itong bata lang talaga ang dahilan para kausapin niya ako nang ayos.
Napaisip tuloy ako. What if hindi ako nabuntis? Hindi na ba talaga kami mag-uusap? Kahit na sigurado na ako na iyon ang mangyayari, hindi ko mapigilang hindi isipin. Tatanda na lang ba kami parehas nang hindi nagkaka-closure? Hanggang sa ma-promote ba ako, minumura ko pa rin ’yung billboard niya?
I sent an e-mail to Nate regarding my problem. I hope Ryo could pursue Tita na hindi ako mag-resign. I know that he kinda hates me but I also know that he understands that I can’t afford to lose this job. Hindi ako p’wedeng makampante na kumakain ako rito at libre ang bahay dahil hindi naman ako habang-buhay na buntis.
Maya-maya lang ay may tumawag na sa ’king kasambahay dahil magdi-dinner na raw. I changed into a more decent shirt before going downstairs. Naghahain pa lang naman pero nang makita kong parating na si Tita ay nagmadali ako para maunahan siya. Nakakahiya naman kasi kung ako pa ang hihintayin nila.
What made me less awkward during meals is that kasama namin iyong mga kasambahay nila. Kung sina Tita lang kasi, feeling ko hindi ako makakalunok sa sobrang kaba.
“Where’s Ryo?” Tita asked and looked around.
Magkatabi iyong mag-asawa at katapat ko si Tito. The seat right across Tita is empty, at sa sumunod na upuan ay si Raianne. Siguro’y si Ryo ang uupo rito sa tabi ko. Kaninang umaga ay si Raianne ang nakaupo rito e.
Napangibit ako. Hindi ba p’wedeng do’n na lang ako sa pinakadulo? Required din ba na magkatabi kami? E hindi naman kami nagkabalikan! Dala-dala ko lang ’yung anak namin.
Hindi kami nakapag-umpisa agad kumain pagkatapos makapaghain dahil wala si Ryo at ayaw ni Tita kumain nang wala siya. Medyo Mama’s boy din kasi ang isang ’yon.
“He’s here, right? Pumunta siya sa room ko kanina,” sabi ni Raianne.
May inutusan si Tita na hanapin si Ryo at maya-maya lang ay sumulpot na rin siya. He’s on different clothes. Kanina’y naka-t-shirt at jersey shorts lang siya pero ngayon ay naka-pantalon at polo na. Mukha rin siyang bagong ligo dahil basa pa iyong buhok niya.
“My,” malambing niyang sabi at humalik sa pisngi ni Tita. Nang magtama ang mata namin ay mabilis siyang napasimangot. Ngayon ay ako naman ang napairap; inunahan ko na siya.
“Where are you going? Kakain na,” sabi ni Tita.
“I’m going out,” mahinang sagot ni Ryo. Napalingon ako kay Raianne na agad na lumipat rito sa tabi ko. She gave me a wide smile and wiggled her brows. Napangiti ako nang bahagya ro’n. Halos magka-edad lang kami pero kapag kasama ko siya, feeling ko dalawa o tatlong taon ang tanda ko sa kaniya. She’s less grumpy than her brother.
“Gabi na, ah? Kumain ka muna,” sabi ni Tito.
“I’m going to have dinner somewhere. Bawi ako bukas,” aniya at humalik ulit sa pisngi ni Tita at mukhang sisibat na kaso nahawakan siya ni Tita sa pulsohan. Agad siyang napatigil.
“Where?” malamig na tanong ng Mommy niya. Napainom ako ng tubig dahil feeling ko e pagagalitan niya si Ryo. That would be so awkward for him, but that’s going to be hella entertaining for me.
Ryo threw me a glance kaya napataas ang kilay ko. He sighed. “My, may dinner kami ni Talie… Uuwi rin ako mamaya, promise…” Palambing nang palambing ang boses niya na gusto kong matawa. Takot talaga siya sa nanay niya.
His mother gasped dramatically and let go of his wrist immediately. Nasapo ni Tito ang kaniyang noo at narinig kong pumalatak si Raianne. Napatingin ako sa mga kasambahay na nanonood lang at nagkakatinginan din. Gutom na siguro.
“Bahala ka,” sabi ni Tita at hindi na pinansin si Ryo na panay ang tawag sa kaniya. Sa wakas ay makapagsisimula na kaming kumain.
“Lumayas ka na, Ryo. Baka sa ’kin pa magalit Mommy mo,” narinig kong sabi ni Tito. Ryo groaned but still walked out of the room.
Hindi naman ako affected. Hindi rin naman kasi nakakagulat kung si Talie ang bago niya. Maganda naman yun e. Saka no’ng una pa lang, aware na si Ryo na may gusto sa kaniya ’yon.
After the dinner, umakyat na ako ulit at nagkulong sa kuwarto. Raianne is busy kaya hindi ako makapunta ro’n sa kuwarto niya. Wala akong makausap kaya panay lang ang check ko ng e-mails. Nang tuluyan na akong walang magawa ay inayos ko na lang ulit ’yung mga damit ko. Pitong buwan pa… pa’no ako tatagal?
Natalie crossed my mind. Okay lang ba sa kaniya kung may anak si Ryo? I hope. Dahil kung makarinig ako ng kahit isang salita lang sa kaniya na inaaway niya ’tong anak ko, susungalngalin ko talaga siya.
Saka ’yung tanong ni Cali kung pa’no ’yung set-up sa bata kapag nanganak na ’ko… hindi ko pa rin alam. Gagamitin ko na siguro ’yung mga leave ko at uuwi sa probinsya para naman makilala nina Tatay ’yung apo nila. Hindi ko alam kung sasama pa sa ’kin si Ryo.
Pero for sure, hindi ko kayang alagaan ’yung bata habang nagtatrabaho. Hindi ko naman pwede iwanan kay Cali kasi may work din siya at halos parehas ang sched namin. Siguro, p’wede ko iwan dito dahil hindi ko rin naman kayang magbayad ng mag-aalaga… e pa’no kung mas gusto nina Nanay na do’n sa kanila iwan? Edi magkakagulo? Bukod pa ro’n ay never pa nag-meet ang parents namin.
Sobra pa namang mapanghusga si Tatay sa mayayaman, kaya nga grabe ang dinanas ni Ryo no’ng sinamahan niya ’kong umuwi.
Kung ano-ano’ng inutos sa kaniya ni Tatay, mostly mga trabahong mabibigat. Feeling kasi ni Tatay e walang kayang gawin si Ryo dahil nga mayaman… kaya ayun, ’yung mga kahoy na ginagamit namin sa furniture shop at hardware e pinabuhat niya mula bahay namin hanggang bayan, kahit na may sasakyan naman. Hindi naman ’yun kalayuan pero mabigat kaya. Pinaglagari niya si Ryo ng kung ano-ano. Pinaglinis pa nga ng shop. Grabe ang pagod ni Ryo no’n kaya hindi na ako umuwi nang kasama siya. Hindi ko rin kinausap si Tatay nang isang buwan dahil do’n.
We’re not as rich as them, pero never kong narinig kina Tita na pinaghinalaan nila akong pera ang habol ko kay Ryo. Never pa nga akong tinanong ni Tita kung ano’ng pinagkakakitaan ng magulang ko. Sadyang asumero lang si Tatay na akala niya e inaapi ako ng magulang ni Ryo.
Actually, mas in-expect ko nga na magiging hostile iyong trato sa ’kin ng pamilya niya dahil totoo namang wala kaming ibubuga sa yaman nila. Nagpapa-upa lang naman kami ng puwesto sa palengke, nagtitinda si Nanay ng gulay, tapos mayro’n kaming hardware at furniture shop sa probinsya. Ang asset lang ata na mayro’n kami ay ’yung lupang minana ng nanay ko… na pinagtalunan pa nilang magkakapatid.
Lalo na kapag naging professional player na si Ryo, mas lalaki ang pera niya. Ulit, walang binatbat iyong sinusuweldo ko ro’n. Nag-search ako kanina at halos malula ako sa laki ng bayad sa kontrata ng rookie. Tapos, maganda pa ang reputasyon ni Ryo sa UAAP at D-League kaya for sure mas mataas pa ro’n sa mga nabasa ko ang kontratang babagsakan niya.
Hindi ko alam kung umuwi ba si Ryo dahil nakatulog na ako at hindi na bumaba muli. Naalimpungatan lang ako nang makaramdam bigla ng gutom.
I left the lights open inside my room bago lumabas at bumaba. Halos wala masyadong liwanag at flashlight sa phone ang ginamit ko. Pagkarating sa kusina ay may dim lights na bukas kaya naman kahit papaano ay may nakikita na ako nang malinaw. Hindi ako nangahas na galawin iyong mga switch dahil hindi ko naman alam kung ano’ng binubuksan no’n.
Maingat kong binuksan ang ref nila at punong-puno iyon pero wala akong magustuhang kainin. I searched their cupboards at mukhang wala sila ng kahit anong instant. Napahinga na lang ako nang malalim. Makakatulog pa ba ako? Bakit ba kasi ngayon pa sumumpong ang cravings ko? At saka bahay ba ’to? Bakit wala silang Instant Pancit Canton? Wala nga rin silang instant na kape! Kahit nga Milo, wala! Kung nasa apartment ako, wala ’tong dilemma kong ’to dahil marami kami no’n.
“What are you doing?” Impit akong napatili nang may nagsalita. I turned to glare at Ryo na hindi ko alam kung kanina pa ba ro’n sa p’westo niya o kararating lang. Napapikit ako agad nang buksan niya iyong ilaw. Ang hilig niyang manggulat!
Hindi ako sumagot. I remained looking around their kitchen, searching for an alternative food to soothe my cravings. Sinulyapan ko siyang kumuha ng malamig na tubig sa ref.
“Nagugutom ka ba?” tanong niya at nilapag iyong baso niya sa sink.
“Oo,” mahina kong sagot.
“Maraming pgkain sa ref. Ano ba’ng gusto mo? May cake diyan—”
“Gusto ko ng Pancit Canton saka 3-in-1 na kape,” I said and looked at him. Maaawa naman siguro siya sa ’kin, or sa bata, ’di ba? Tanda ko sabi sa ’kin ni Nanay noon na masamang hindi nakukuha ng buntis ’yung gusto…
His jaw dropped. Natawa siya nang bahagya. “Wala kami no’n dito, Frankie.”
Napanguso ako. Nagsalubong agad ang kilay niya. My hand travelled to my tummy and he sighed.
“Umupo ka ro’n,” he said and jerked his thumb towards the kitchen stool. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng gagawin niya pero sumunod na lang ako.
Napanganga ako nang biglaan na lang siyang umalis. Nang-aasar ba siya?!
I stood up and snooped around the kitchen again. Parang gago lang. Akala ko pa naman ay kung ano’ng gagawin niya! Ano ’yon, pinaupo niya lang ako tapos iiwan?
“I told you to sit and wait.”
Napalingon ako nang marinig muli ang boses niya. Babarahin ko pa lang siya na sabi lang niya ay sit, at wala namang wait, pero naagaw ng atensyon ko iyong hawak niya. Nagningning ata ang mata ko nang makita iyong isang pakete ng sweet and spicy na Pancit Canton at isang sachet ng Milo.
“Sa’n ’yan galing?” I asked.
“Sa driver namin. Papalitan mo ’to ha,” sabi niya at kumuha ng plato.
Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay nang magtagpo ang mata namin. “Sabi ko umupo ka na, ’di ba? Bingi ka ba, ha?”
Gusto ko siyang patulan pero may dala siyang pagkain kaya sumunod na lang ako nang walang imik. Lihim ko siyang pinanood habang kumukuha ng tubig. I smiled bitterly. I taught him that. Hindi ’yan marunong magluto ng Pancit Canton dati kahit na pinakukuluan lang naman ’yon.
Pagkatapos ay nilapag niya iyong plato sa tapat ko. I saw him tear the Milo sachet with his teeth bago iyon ilagay sa mug at kumuha siya ng gatas para idagdag ro’n. Nilagyan niya iyon ng tubig at hinalo bago ilagay sa tabi ng plato.
“’Wag ka na magkape; bawal ’yon sa buntis,” aniya. I nodded.
“Pagkatapos mong kumain, iwan mo na riyan sa lababo at matulog ka na. ’Wag kang puyat nang puyat,” he added. Tumango lang akong muli. I grabbed the fork but I couldn’t eat since he’s watching. Nahuli ko siyang humikab.
“You can go,” I told him. His lips twisted.
“Aalis naman na talaga ako. Malaki ka na e, tingin mo ba babantayan pa kita? Ano ka, special?” aniya at tumalikod na. My brows furrowed at that. Ang dami niyang sinabi!
I sighed when he’s finally out of sight. A sad feeling crept in my chest. He used to cook for me and Cali tuwing late akong magigising… I never imagined that he would make me something again after we broke up.
“Psh.” I rolled my eyes and shoved the food inside my mouth. What was that? Pregnancy does mess with my hormones.
Chapter 03: Who Else?
#hhfm03 chapter 03: Who Else?
“May ibabagal pa ba ’yang kilos mo?”
Mabilis akong napalingon sa nagsalita. Ryo’s peeking his head on my doorway, at base sa pagkakunot ng noo niya e naiinis na naman siya, pero wala na namang bago ro’n. Ang pinagtataka ko lang e ano’ng nginangawa niya roon dahil hindi ko naman siya tinawag.
I looked at the wall clock. Bihis na ako pero nakabalot pa rin ang buhok ko sa tuwalya. Hindi ko man lang namalayan na nabuksan na niya iyong pinto. Wala talaga siyang manners! Pa’no kung nakatapis lang ako?
“Mamaya pa naman ’yung appointment, a,” sabi ko. We are scheduled to go the doctor today. Free naman ako sa oras na ’yon pero siya, hindi ko sure. Wala naman akong pakialam dahil siya naman ang pagagalitan ni Tita kapag late kami.
“Oo nga,” parang naiinis niyang sabi. “E akala ko ba pupunta kang office ngayon?”
My brows furrowed. I did tell him that I have to go the office to get some of my files tapos ay kikitain ko si Cali para kuhanin ’yung iba kong gamit… but that didn’t mean na isasama ko siya.
“O tapos?” I asked and got my hair out of the towel. Lumukot iyong mukha niya at tuluyan nang pumasok sa kuwarto ko. Parang dahil bahay niya ’to e puwede siyang pumasok dito sa kuwarto kung kailan niya gusto.
“Matagal pa ba ’yan?” aniya at sumilip sa kaniyang relos. I got my comb and started blow-drying my hair.
“Bakit mo ba ’ko hinihintay? At saka umalis ka nga rito,” I told him. Agang-aga ang hilig niyang magsimula ng away. Muntik pa nga kaming mag-away sa harap nina Tita kanina kasi ayaw niya raw akong katabi sa hapag. As if naman gusto kong siya ’yung katabi ko!
Mabuti na lang at nando’n ang kapatid niya kaya nagpalit sila. Tita’s still mad at him for what he did, kaya siguro sa ’kin niya binubunton ang frustration niya sa nanay niya. Hindi naman big deal sa ’kin na masama ang ugali niya. Sina Tita lang talaga ang may problema sa kaniya.
“Kailangan kang ihatid do’n. Saka ’yung meetings mo, every Monday ’yon, ’di ba? Ayaw ko ng babagal-bagal.”
Kumunot lang lalo ang noo ko. “I thought I have a driver?”
He rolled his eyes. “Ipagmamaneho na nga kita ang dami mo pang sinasabi.”
Pinatay ko ang blower. I looked at him with mouth agape. Hindi ko rin kinakaya minsan ang ugali niya, ang hirap niyang basahin dahil para siyang bata. Siya rin naman ang nagsabi sa ’kin kahapon na bibigyan ako ng driver para ihatid tuwing Lunes sa office at kung may pupuntahan pa ako. Hindi naman ako ang nag-request na ihatid niya ako tapos mamadaliin niya ako ngayon?
“Ayaw ko sa ’yo,” I bluntly told him. He scowled.
“Ang arte-arte mo. Bilisan mo na diyan. Hihintayin kita sa baba.” Before I could even protest, he marched out of the room and slammed the door loudly, like a child throwing tantrums.
Napailing na lang ako. I just hope that our child wouldn’t inherit his attitude. Okay na ’yong sa mukha… kahit na feeling ko magkakaproblema ako kapag araw-araw ay may makikita akong maliit na Ryo. Pero ’yung sa ugali, sana talaga ay huwag. Sasakit naman masyado ang ulo ko at baka mapaaga ang pagputi ng buhok ko.
Para lang lalo siyang mainis ay binagalan ko pa ang kilos. I’m not the type to wear make-up on a regular day, pero dahil gusto ko ngang mang-inis ay napa-make-up ako nang wala sa oras. I took my time at kung mayro’n nga lang pang-unat ng buhok sa cabinet ko, nag-unat na rin ako ng buhok para lalo lang maubos ang pasensiya niya. He likes to piss me off so it’s only fair that I annoy him back. Nananahimik ako rito sa bahay nila pero siya ’tong mauuna laging sirain ang araw ko, kaya ginusto niya rin ’to.
As expected, pagkababa ko ay parang puputok na ’yung ugat niya sa noo sa inis dahil napakatagal ko raw. I just ignored him hanggang sa makarating kami sa sasakyan niya. He kept on blabbering on how it took me ’forever’ to finish dressing up pero mas pinili kong manahimik dahil pansin kong do’n siya naiinis—kapag wala akong sinasabi. Napagod din naman siyang magsalita kaya tumigil din.
“Hihintayin na lang kita dito,” aniya pagkarating namin.
“Pa’no ’pag natagalan ako?” I asked, because I’d rather take a cab home than listen to him complain for half an hour.
His brows met. “Bakit ka matatagalan? I thought you’re just going to get your files?”
“I have to talk to Nate,” I said. His frown deepened. Hindi ko gets kung bakit may sama pa rin siya ng loob kay Nate e first year college pa ako noong nagsimula ’yang init ng dugo niya ro’n sa tao… Graduate na kami, break na nga kami e, pero iritang-irita pa rin siya.
“Basta bilisan mo,” bubulong-bulong niyang sabi. I sighed and just got off my seat. Bahala siya.
The baby bump’s not that visible, yet, so no one has asked me about my pregnancy. I was in the elevator when I received a text from Cali, informing that she’s late at sa labas na lang kami magkita dahil medyo marami iyong gamit ko na dala niya.
“Where’s Sir Nate?” I asked Crista, iyong assistant sa office. Mabuti nga’t pinayagan akong tuwing Lunes lang magpapakita rito sa office. I haven’t told Nate that I’m pregnant, but I have to explain it to him soon. I have a feeling that he’s letting me have this my way because he knows me personally, and I don’t like that.
“Male-late daw e,” she answered. I couldn’t help but look at her small curls. Hindi ako gaanong ka-kulot at hindi rin si Ryo… Too bad because I want a curly-haired baby. “Check mo sa shop diyan sa tapat. Bibili ’yon ng coffee before pumasok.”
“Thanks,” I replied. Her cheeks looked fuller when she smiled. There was a sudden urge for me to pinch her cheek or feel her hair, but I turned my back immediately dahil for sure mawi-weirdo-han siya. Mukhang siya pa ata ang mapaglilihihan ko, but I wouldn’t be here every day so I wouldn’t be able to see her often.
I went to my table and cleaned up a bit para hindi na makalat pagbalik ko. I picked up all the sticky notes on my board and compiled them neatly on my folder. Binisita ko muna iyong board na may agenda for the month ng buong team. I can’t slack off. I’m still aiming for a higher position.
Pagbaba ko ay nasa labas ng kotse si Ryo. Ang dala ko lang naman ay tatlong folder na wala pang kalahating kilo ang bigat pero sinalubong niya ako at kinuha ’yon. I didn’t complain dahil alam kong magtatalakan na naman kami if ever, at ang lakas no’n maka-drain ng energy.
“Nand’yan daw sa tapat si Cali. Dito ka na lang kasi masikip parking do’n,” I told him. He nodded while slipping my files in the backseat.
“Nakausap mo na si Nate?” tanong niya. I still don’t get his obsession with Nate.
“Hindi pa. Nando’n lang din ’yon,” I replied. Bumalik ang pagkakasalubong ng kilay niya.
“Lalakarin lang ba ’yon?” he asked and raised a brow at me. I nodded. Tinuro ko iyong coffee shop sa tapat na sobrang lapit lang naman. Sinundan ng mata niya iyong tinuro ko.
“Tara,” aniya at nauna pa sa ’kin. Kaya ko namang tumawid mag-isa, at hindi naman ako mangangalay sa kalagitnaan ng kalsada, kaya hindi ko gets kung bakit kailangan niya pang sumama pero hinayaan ko na lang.
Through the faintly tinted glass walls, I was already able to see Cali, occupying the large table at the center of the shop. Naningkit ang singkit nang mata ni Ryo habang tumatanaw sa loob.
“Dito ka na lang,” sabi ko sa kaniya. That wasn’t a question, that was a command. Napasimangot siya ngunit hindi na rin naman sumunod nang pumasok na ako sa loob.
The coffee shop’s usually packed during this early hour dahil madalas na kumukuha muna ng kape ang mga tao bago pumasok. Nang-aakit ang amoy ng kape ngunit pinigilan kong bumili dahil bukod sa bawal sa ’kin, wala akong dalang wallet. Kaya bawal ko rin pala talagang awayin si Ryo dahil nasa sasakyan iyong wallet ko at ’pag iniwan niya ako… ’di ko na alam kung sa’n ako pupulutin.
The huge paper bags occupied Cali’s table. She stood up to hug me when she saw me. Sinilip ko iyong mga laman ng bags na usually ay natirang damit at sapatos, saka ’yung mga libro ko.
“Bakit ayaw mong papasukin jowa mo?” she asked before sipping on her drink, which is probably her favorite Americano. Her eyes pointed to the direction where Ryo is standing. Napalingon din ako ro’n at nakita siyang may katawagan na naman. Hindi na ako magtataka kung si Talie ’yon.
“Ex,” I corrected her before sitting on the chair across her seat. Hindi ko pa nakikita si Nate at hindi naman ako puwedeng umalis nang hindi man lang nagpapasalamat na pumayag siya sa set-up kahit na malabo iyong paliwanag na binigay ko.
“Magkakabalikan din kayo niyan,” she said and chuckled. Nagtaasan ang mga balahibo ko ro’n. I glared at her.
“Bawiin mo ’yon,” utos ko sa kaniya. She shrugged.
“Nakikita mo ba ’yan, Frankie?” aniya at walang hiya-hiyang tinuro si Ryo. Ny eyes widened at that and I immediately swatted her hand. Baka mamaya mapalingon si Ryo tapos makita siya! Sabihin pa nu’n pinag-uusapan namin siya… Well, he’s not wrong but I don’t want him to find out that we’re gossiping about him, at talagang sa topic pa ng pagkakabalikan-kuno namin.
“No offense ha, but if he weren’t your ex, at nabigyan ako ng chance, hinarot ko na ’yan,” natatawa niyang sabi. Napasimangot ako ro’n. “Kahit nga hindi girlfriend e, kahit nga sex lang, papatusin ko.”
She chuckled when I covered my face with my hand out of embarrassment. I suddenly remembered how she bombarded me with questions noong nahuli niya kami ni Ryo sa apartment na ’nagkakainan ng mukha’ (her words, not mine). Wala talaga siyang filter.
Though I really am not the biggest fan of Ryo right now, I wouldn’t deny the fact that he was gifted with nice genes. He looks more of Tito Finn, but he got Tita Rayi’s eyes na siguro’y dahilan kung bakit lagi s’yang napagkakamalang hindi Pinoy. Si Raianne iyong mas kamukha ni Tita. He’s not as moreno as his father, pero hindi ko rin siya matatawag na maputi.
Isip-bata nga lang ’yan minsan, but I loved that part of him for four years. Nga lang, mukhang ang laki ng nilala niya ngayon dahil parang kahit maliliit na bagay hahanapan niya ng ikagagalit niya.
So, no, thanks. Naka-move on na rin naman ako.
“Ayan na si Sir,” Cali said which made me look away from Ryo, I didn’t even notice that I was looking at him. Nakita ko nga si Nate na kapapasok lang at diretso agad sa counter.
I stood up and waited for him to get his order before walking up to him. His eyes lit up when he saw me.
“I thought you’ll go to your doctor today?” he asked. Today’s a Monday but I took a leave dahil may check-up nga ako. I did tell him that I have to go to the doctor, pero hindi ko naman sinabing sa OB-GYN ’yun.
“Yes, mamaya,” sagot ko. He nodded. May itinuro siya sa labas at mukhang alam ko na kung ano, o sino, ’yon kaya hindi na ako lumingon.
“Nasa labas boyfriend mo, nakatingin sa ’tin,” natatawa niyang sabi. Aware naman siyang ayaw sa kaniya ni Ryo (pinagduldulan ba naman kasi sa kaniya for four years, ewan ko na lang kung hindi siya maging aware). I forced a smile. We’re friends but we’re not that close anymore kaya hindi niya alam na break na kami ni Ryo. And we don’t really hang out; we only talk as a writer and an editor sa office.
“Ex,” I corrected him. Natigilan siya roon at kumukurap-kurap na humarap sa ’kin.
“Ex?” he asked as if he didn’t hear me right the first time I said it. I nodded a forced a laugh to lighten the mood. Hindi dapat ito ang pag-uusapan namin, e.
“Yup,” I confirmed. Hindi pa rin maipinta ang mukha niya. Hindi ko sinasadyang mapatingin sa banda ni Ryo at nang makitang para siyang lawin na nakamasid sa ’ming dalawa ay marahan kong hinila si Nate para mawala kami sa paningin niya.
I thanked Nate for agreeing with the set-up but as expected, he just shrugged it off dahil okay lang naman daw na sa bahay lang ako magtrabaho. Ilang linggo na lang naman e mahahalata na ’tong baby bump ko, and I hope na kapag pumasok ako at makita niya ’yon, e ma-gets na niya agad at hindi ko na kailanagn pang ipaliwanag. Hindi ko ata kayang ikuwento ’yung set-up namin Ryo ngayon.
“Are you going to carry those?” tanong ni Nate at tinuro iyong paperbags sa table ni Cali. Wala na si Cali ro’n, umalis nang walang paalam. O baka ayaw niyang magpakita kay Nate dahil baka punahin siyang late na.
“Yup,” I said and picked up two of the bags. I was about to protest when Nate carried it all for me pero palabas na siya agad.
“Sa’n ’to dadalhin?” he asked.
“Sa sasakyan,” ang tanging nasagot ko dahil ang weird kapag dinugtungan ko kung kaninong sasakyan iyon dadalhin. Pagkalabas na pagkalabas namin ay napalingon ako kay Ryo na panay ang silip do’n sa loob, hindi ata napansing nakalabas na kami ni Nate.
“Ryo,” tawag ko sa kaniya. He immediately stopped what idiocy he’s doing na para bang nahuli ko siyang may ginagawang masama. He raked his fingers through his hair at nagkunwari pa talagang nag-aayos lang ng buhok sa salamin. Hindi ko alam kung matatawa ba ako ro’n o ano.
When his eyes shifted to the guy behind me, his whole face scrunched. Nate looked confused as Ryo quickly stole the bags from him. He transferred two of the bags from his left hand to the other, before grabbing me with his now free hand and crossing the road. Hindi man lang ako nakapagpaalam kay Nate!
“Ang sama-sama talaga ng ugali mo,” sabi ko sa kaniya pagkarating namin sa sasakyan niya. He didn’t say anything. He dropped the bags on the ground before opening the back of his car and silently putting everything inside.
Tahimik lang kami sa biyahe papunta ro’n sa OB. Binitbit ko na iyong shoulder bag ko dahil baka topakin siya mamaya at maisipang iwanan ako, mahirap na.
“She’s not my wife,” iyon ang tugon niya sa pagbati ni Dra. Dael. Kitang-kita ko kung paano naguluhan iyong doktor sa sinabi niya, kasi obviously, hindi ’yon ang proper response sa greeting.
“Good morning po,” I said, because unlike him, I am polite. The doctor laughed awkwardly because she probably knows what situation we are in right now.
“Hindi ko po siya aasawahin,” dagdag ko. I heard Ryo scoff so I faced him with a fake smile. God. Can’t he be mature for once?
Sinabihan ako ng mga bawal, and she reiterated about my coffee-drinking habit dahil inamin kong mahilig ako. Bukod sa mga vitamins, niresetahan din ako ng gamot sa sakit ng ulo na mas okay raw sa buntis. Mabuti na lang at sinabihan niya rin si Ryo na bawal ako ma-stress, dahil sa totoo lang, mas nakaka-stress makipag-deal sa kaniya kaysa sa trabaho. She gave us the schedule for next month before we left.
“Nine weeks…” I heard Ryo whisper. Tumaas ang kilay ko ro’n. Binibilang na ba niya kung ilang linggo na lang ako sa bahay nila? Parehas lang naman kami na ayaw ng naka-pisan ako sa kanila e.
We went to the pharmacy and he got everything that I need. Of course, he also paid for everything. Sayang naman ’yung pagtitiis kong makita siya araw-araw sa bahay nila kung hindi ko mapapakinabangan ’yung pera niya.
“Hindi pa ba tayo uuwi?” tanong ko dahil napansin kong parang palayo pa kami imbes na papunta sa bahay.
“Bibili tayo ng regalo,” simpleng sagot niya. He kept his eyes on the road.
My brow arched. “Regalo para kanino?”
He glanced at me with an annoyed expression. “Kay Raianne. Susumbong kita do’n, hindi mo pala tanda ang birthday niya.”
Napa-check tuloy ako sa phone calendar ko. Do’n ko lang napansin na two days from now ay birthday na nga ni Raianne.
Nang makarating kami sa mall ay nakasunod lang ako sa kaniya. For four years, lagi kaming hati ni Ryo sa ibibigay na regalo kay Raianne. Ngayon ay nawala lang talaga sa isip ko dahil inuuna ko ’tong pagbubuntis. Dati nga ay pinag-iipunan ko pa at July pa lang, may plano na kami ni Ryo kung ano’ng ireregalo sa kapatid niya, kahit na September pa talaga ang birthday.
We stopped in front of a jewelry shop. Nag-alangan pa akong pumasok. Hindi naman kami hati sa ireregalo, ’di ba? Hindi ko siya kayang hatian kung alahas ang ireregalo niya! Wala akong dalang pera! At nag-iipon din ako para pagkapanganak ko, may ipambabayad ako sa lilipatan kong lugar.
Tinikom ko kaagad ang bibig kong napanganga nang mag-inquire siya ro’n sa singsing na halos pumalo ng 23 thousand ang presyo. Umiwas ako ng tingin at luminga sa ibang displays. Mayro’n namang tig-dalawang libo na bracelet… That, I can afford. They accept cards, right? Ang cash lang na dala ko ay pamasahe pauwi kung sakaling iwan ako ni Ryo!
“Huy.” Napalingon ako kay Ryo. Sinenyasan niya akong lumapit at halos ayaw ko ’yun sundin dahil iniisip ko kung mag-ooffer ba siyang hati kami ng bayad do’n. Sa’n naman ako kukuha ng 12 thousand?!
“Halika nga rito,” mariin niyang sabi. I gulped hard before standing beside him. My eyes focused on the ring he’s holding. It’s a gold beaded ring with a circular plate of silver stones in the middle. I heard the staff saying that it’s 14 karat gold, and she mentioned something about the stones pero ang tanging laman ng isip ko ay magkano kaya iyon kapag sinangla?
“Maganda?” he asked me. Agad akong tumango.
“Sobra,” I answered. It’s not my style, because I can’t see myself wearing something na baka maging reason pa kung bakit ako maho-holdap, pero maganda.
“Sana ikaw rin,” aniya at nang-aasar na natawa. That made me scoff. Before I could even say anything, he lifted his gaze to the staff. “We’ll take one of this.”
“What size, Sir?” the staff asked Ryo.
Ryo let out a long sigh. Hindi niya alam ang size. Of course, he’s a dumbass. Dapat ay inalam niya muna ang size ni Raianne kung plano pala niyang singsing ang bilhin. Kung hindi niya alam, I would suggest na bracelet o kwintas na lang para safe, pero hindi ko na ’yon para sabihin dahil hindi naman ako ang bibili.
“Tingin nga ng kamay mo,” he said and grabbed my hand without warning.
He held my ring finger and slipped the ring. Nagkasya iyon sa ’kin ngunit agad kong binawi ang kamay ko at tinanggal iyon. Maingat ko ’yong nilapag sa mesa. I glared at Ryo but he just raised his brows at me. Hindi niya ba alam kung gaano ka-awkward iyon?!
“Kasya sa ’kin. Ka-size ko ba si Raianne?” tanong ko.
“Hindi ko alam,” Ryo answered. Nilingon niya ang staff. “Sorry, can I just take a look on that bracelet?” aniya at may itinuro.
Humalukipkip ako at hindi na siya nilingon, kahit na ramdam kong hinihintay niyang lingunin ko siya. “Affected ka? Sinukat ko lang e.”
I clenched my teeth. Hindi na ako nagsalita at lumabas na lang. Hindi naman na niya ako tinawag. I just waited for him outside while thinking of a gift for Raianne na papasok sa budget.
Inabot niya sa ’kin ang paper bag at kunot-noo ko lang iyong tiningnan. “Baka mag-feeling ka, kay Raianne ’yan. Bumili ka ng pambalot, tapos lagay mo na lang na galing sa ’ting dalawa.”
Hindi ko iyon kinukuha. He sighed heavily then just left it on the floor before turning his back on me. Nanlaki ang mata ko ro’n at agad na dinampot ’yong paper bag at sinundan siya. Parang sira talaga kahit kailan!
“Ang dami mo kasing kaartehan,” aniya nang mapansing nakasunod na ako sa kaniya. Puwede ko namang iwan ’tong binili niya, nanghinayang lang ako sa ginastos!
Padabog kong sinara ang pinto ng sasakyan niya para makaganti. That earned me a glare from him. Nakakainis! Kung puwede ko lang siyang sipain palabas ng sasakyan niya tapos ako na ang nag-drive, ginawa ko na!
* * *
Binalot ko iyong regalo ni Ryo para sa kapatid niya. I used a baby pink special paper dahil favorite na kulay ’yon ni Raianne. I just wrote her a letter and nilagay ko sa loob, telling her na si Ryo lang talaga ang bumili nung bracelet. Sa tag na nakasabit sa paper twine ay pangalan lang ni Ryo ang nilagay ko, dahil siya lang naman talaga ang bumili.
“Bakit ganito lang ’to?” tanong ni Ryo pagkaabot ko sa kaniya nung binalot ko. Agad ko iyong inagaw sa kaniya. Kung lalaitin niya ’tong effort ko, ibabato ko talaga ’tong regalo niya sa labas.
“Shut up if you’re not going to say anything nice,” I warned him.
“Ang linaw nung instruction ko, ’di ba? Ilagay mo na galing sa ’ting dalawa, bakit pangalan ko lang nakalagay diyan?”
I rolled my eyes at him. “E kasi ikaw ang bumili!”
He groaned and got it out of my hold. Ano namang laban ko sa laki ng kamay niya? Basta-basta siyang pumasok sa kuwarto ko, binuksan ang drawer at kumuha ng marker. Napangiwi na lang ako nang sulatan niya iyong tag para mailagay ang pangalan ko. Halatang-halata na ang laki ng ganda ng sulat ko kaysa kaniya, at parang siningit lang ang pangalan ko. Mukhang bata ’yung nagsulat ng Ate Frankie kapag tinabi sa pangalan niya dahil yung pagkakasulat ko ay malinis na kabit-kabit.
Their close friends are already downstairs, at s’yempre, required akong sumama ro’n. I don’t have any problems with them dahil mababait naman sila sa ’kin. I just hope that they wouldn’t make this awkward for Ryo and I, since alam na nilang break na kami.
Raianne celebrated her birthday with her friends and classmates this morning. Kaninang dinner ay nag-celebrate siya kasama ang family (apparently, I am included) at ’yung mga tao nila rito sa bahay. Ngayon lang nagdatingan iyong mga close friends nila ng Kuya niya, na kaunti lang naman at kilala ko lahat.
“Oy, Ryo!” tawag sa kaniya ni Ate Marie pagkababa namin. Theo let me sit beside him at umalis ang kapatid niyang si Cora sa inuupuan niya at do’n pumuwesto si Ryo. Lihim akong napasimangot do’n. Hindi niya nga ako tinatabihan sa hapag tapos tatabihan niya ako ngayon?
“Bakit?” he asked. Theo poured him a shot but he declined. S’yempre tumanggi rin ako no’ng ako ang inalok. He clicked his tongue and just handed me the nachos na tinanggap ko. Inalok niya pa iyon sa iba ngunit walang tumanggap. He shrugged tapos ay siya na lang ang uminom nu’n. Isa pa ’tong singkitin e.
“Magiging tatay ka na nga?”
Muntik na akong mabulunan sa nachos. Si Theo ay natigilan sa pagsalin ng alak at napalingon sa ’kin. Actually, lahat sila ay sa ’ming dalawa na nakatignin. I don’t know if nasabi na ni Raianne na dito ako nakatira sa kanila.
Ang alam ko din ay tingin lang nila e inimbita ako ni Raianne dahil ka-close ko na naman sila, hindi dahil nagkabalikan kami ni Ryo (hindi naman talaga). Four years ding naging kami ni Ryo, kaya hindi talaga maiiwasang na-attach na rin ako sa kanila kahit papaano. ’Yon ang naisip kong dahilan kung bakit hindi sila nagulat na makita ako rito kahit break na kami ni Ryo.
“Totoo?” tanong ng pinsan niyang si Sid. Hindi sumasagot si Ryo kaya sa ’kin niya nilipat ang tingin. Hindi ko naman alam kung puwede ba akong sumagot kaya nanahimik na lang ako.
“Hoy, Ryo! Tinatanong kita!” Hindi makaangal si Ryo nang lumapit si Ate Marie sa kaniya at piningot ang tainga niya dahil siya ang pinakamatanda sa kanilang lahat.
“Oo! Oo na!” sagot ni Ryo na may kasamang daing dahil sa pagpilipit sa kaniyang tainga. Ate Marie let him go and dramatically gasped. Raianne chuckled a little as she scanned their shocked faces. Ako, gusto ko na lang magpalamon sa lupa. I heard Henriette whispering to Theo kung may bagong girlfriend daw si Ryo.
Gabbi, the youngest one here, cleared her throat. “Sino’ng nanay?” Agad siyang sinaway ni Ate Marie. Mahina pa silang nagtalo kung dapat ba ’yong pag-usapan dahil nandito raw ako. Hindi ko alam kung nag-eeffort ba silang hinaan ’yung usapan nila dahil rinig na rinig ko naman. Nagpantig ata ang tainga ko nang marinig ko ang pangalan ni Talie na nadawit sa usapan.
Their garden was then filled with silence. Si Raianne lang ang mukhang kalmado. All of their eyes are on Ryo and I, waiting for any of us to say something, anything.
“Akin na nga ’yan,” sabi ni Ryo at hinablot iyong shot glass kay Theo. Mabilis niya iyong inubos at sinipat silang lahat ng tingin habang nakakunot ang noo. Ang huli niyang tiningnan ay ako.
“Si Frankie, of course. Who else did you guys think it would be?”
Chapter 04: Baby Bump
#hhfm04 chapter 04: Baby Bump
“What about your love life? Do you have a boyfriend?”
Kusang napalayo ang mukha ko sa tapat ng laptop screen nang mabasa ’yon. I could hear Natalie’s laugh inside my head. Pati nga ang boses ng late night show host, naririnig ko. Hindi ko maibaba ang mata para ipagpatuloy ang pagbabasa. I shouldn’t have read this. Cali shouldn’t have sent this to me. Hindi pa nga ito nire-release dahil bukas pa i-eere ang interview.
I scrolled down to read her answer. Tumaas ang kilay ko nang mabasa ang sagot niya, “Wala pa.”
The article ended by leaving the readers with something to gossip about. Of course, inintriga lang nila lalo dahil Wala pa ang sagot. May word na pa, meaning na wala ngayon pero magkakaro’n.
Hindi na ako magugulat kung nasa TV bukas ang pagmumukha ni Ryo. Sino pa ba’ng ibang ili-link kay Talie kung hindi siya? Mabenta si Talie sa audience dahil fit sa eurocentric standards ang mukha niya. I’m not sure if she’s half British or what, because I really didn’t care about her during our college days. Whenever Ryo was asked about her connection with Talie, he would always say that there’s nothing going on and that was enough to keep me at peace.
Kaya hindi ko makuha kung bakit ngayong break na kami ay saka pa ako nagka-interes kay Talie. Kasalanan talaga ni Cali kung bakit pati ako, nagiging tsismosa na. I was never interested in the show business.
I sighed and stretched a bit. I’ve read that it’s better for pregnant women to remain physically active, so kahit na nakakulong ako rito sa kuwarto ay sinusubukan kong gumalaw-galaw kahit kaunti.
I let my curiousity win. I went back in front of my laptop and did a quick Google search of her name. Turns out, she’s half-Spanish. Matunog naman na talaga ang pangalan niya noon pa dahil maganda talaga ang rehistro niya sa camera, isang dahilan kung bakit ayaw siya palitan ng school bilang courtside reporter dati. My lips twisted as I dug more, until I saw Ryo’s name beside hers in gossip headlines.
I checked her Instagram account. I was careful on scrolling because I didn’t want to accidentally like any of her photos. Sandamakmak na brands na rin ang inii-sponsor-an siya. Surprisingly, there’s no photo of her with Ryo, and a part of me felt relieved for some reason.
But, one of her latest photos bothered me. May hawak-hawak siyang cake, at hindi ko alam kung ano ’yung sine-celebrate niya pero nababahala ako sa caption niyang, Thank you, R.
Sino ’yung R? Si Ryo? I checked the date and it was posted eight days ago. May mga comments do’n na mine-mention pa si Ryo. I wonder how he deals with people like them. Mainit pa naman ang ulo no’n at ayaw ng makulit.
Hindi rin ako sigurado kung si Ryo ba ’yon dahil wala naman akong alam sa pinaggagagawa no’n sa buhay niya. Like the usual, wala kaming pakialamanan. Si Raianne pa rin ang katabi ko sa hapag. Binibisita lang niya ako rito sa kuwarto kada uuwi siya galing sa gym. Chine-check niya lang ata kung buhay pa ako o ano. Tapos, wala na ulit. Sometimes, I don’t even get to see him during dinner.
I shut down my laptop because I didn’t like that I was stalking Talie’s social media account. Naiinis lang ako, at bakit ko naman iinisin pa lalo ang sarili ko kung puwede ko namang itigil?
Tinawag na ako dahil kakain na raw sa baba. Lately, nagiging magugutumin ata ako. I also noticed that I might be gaining some weight. Nga lang, kahit nagugutom ata ako ngayon e parang ayaw kong bumaba dahil narinig ko ang boses ni Ryo kanina kaya alam kong nakauwi na siya. I don’t want to see him. Tama bang gamitin kong excuse na naiirita ako sa mukha niya para puwedeng hindi ako sa baba kumain?
I had to remind myself na nakiki-pisan lang ako. Ito ’yung isa sa mga dahilan kung bakit ayaw kong nakikitira sa ibang bahay. Kahit na alam kong hindi isusumbat ng pamilya niya sa ’kin na pitong buwan nila akong kinupkop, hindi mawawala iyong pakiramdam na may utang na loob ako sa kanila. Saka, ang hirap din na hindi ko magawa ’yung gsuto ko dahil nahihiya ako sa kanila.
Sa huli ay bumaba rin ako kahit na alam kong makikita ko si Ryo, dahil nakakahiya na paghihintayin ko pa sila. At alam ko ring bubungangaan ako ni Ryo sakali mang gano’n ang mangyari. Maririndi lang ako.
But when I got there, I noticed that Ryo’s occupying the seat beside mine, at si Raianne ay nasa kabilang side niya. I looked around and noticed that his parents are still out of sight, so I used the opportunity to talk to him without holding back.
“Bakit ka d’yan naka-upo?” tanong ko, still not sitting because I don’t want him beside me. Dati, ang lagi niyang minamaktol sa nanay niya e ayaw niyang ako ang katabi niya, kaya nga sila nagpalit ni Raianne. Tapos ngayon, d’an siya uupo? Ano, nang-iinis lang?
“Bawal ba?” tanong niya pabalik. Narinig kong sinaway siya ni Raianne pero wala atang uubra sa katigasan ng ulo nito bukod sa nanay niya.
“Akala ko ba ayaw mo ’kong katabi?”
Iritable siyang napakamot sa kaniyang batok. Napaayos ako ng tayo nang dumating si Tita. Kumunot ang noo niya nang mapansing hindi pa ako umuupo. She motioned for me to sit but I didn’t. Naiinis ako kay Ryo. Tapos naalala ko pa ’yong cake ni Talie. Siya ba ang bumili no’n? Nagkita sila? Kinain nila nang magkasama?
“Just sit, Frankie,” Ryo said, shaking his head. He even pulled the chair out for me.
“Is there a problem?” I heard Tita ask. Napalingon ako sa kaniya at umiling. Ryo cupped his forehead and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Si Frankie, nag-iinarte,” aniya. Imbes na sumunod ako sa gusto niyang mangyari dahil nakakahiya kay Tita, parang lalo atang nag-init ang ulo ko r’on. Sa iritasyon ay padarag kong tinulak papasok ’yung upuan kaya napalingon siya sa ’kin.
“Ano na naman ba ’yon?” he asked, at siya pa talaga ang may ganang ma-frustrate. I get that he’s probably tired dahil wala siguro siyang ginawa kanina kundi magpa-ikot-ikot sa court pero hindi naman ’yon excuse para buwisitin niya ako.
“Ayaw ko nga ng katabi ka,” I told him. Simple lang naman iyong kailangan niyang gawin, switch seats with Raianne. He wouldn’t break a sweat from doing that. Noong siya itong nagrereklamong ayaw niya akong katabi, nagawa naman niya a, bakit hindi niya gawin ulit ngayon?
“Masamang hindi pinagbibigyan ang buntis, Ryo,” Tita said. Nilalagay na ng kasambahay nila iyong pagkain sa mesa pero hindi pa rin kami natatapos ni Ryo sa simpleng usapan ng sitting arrangement. Kahit na gusto ko siyang sabihan ng bakit dito pa siya kumakain kung madalas naman siyang wala, hindi ko magawa dahil bahay niya ’to. I rarely saw him for the past week during dinner tapos ngayong nandito s’ya, paiinitin lang niya ang ulo ko.
“I want to sit here,” he said firmly. Tumayo na nga si Raianne at sinabihang palit na sila pero hindi pa rin siya natitinag.
“Ayaw nga kitang katabi. Saka hindi naman d’yan ang puwesto mo, ah?” hindi ko napigilang sabihin. Maliit na bagay ay napalaki namin dahil ang hirap niyang kausap.
Napakamot siya sa kaniyang kilay. Frustration bled through his face. He sighed heavily and let his head loll on the side. “Ang dami mong problema e,” tamad niyang sabi. He reached for the chair again and pulled it back. “Umupo ka na lang.”
Cali already warned me about being emotional for the whole duration of my pregnancy. I had to clench my fist and control myself dahil baka kapag hindi ko napigilan ay lumipad talaga ’to sa mukha niya. I blinked rapidly, because I felt the tears starting to build up. Mabilis na nga akong maiyak kapag naiinis, pa’no pa kaya ngayong buntis ako?
“I don’t want to sit beside you,” I said through gritted teeth. He scoffed. I glanced at the people around us and nobody wanted to interfere. Buti nga’t wala pa si Tito, dahil kung nandito na siya, magmumukhang kami pa ni Ryo ang nagpapa-delay ng hapunan.
“Edi ’wag kang sumabay,” pagalit niyang sabi.
“Ryo!” saway sa kaniya ni Tita.
I took a deep breath. Binalik ko ulit ang upuan sa pagkakasalpak no’n sa mesa at iniwan sila ro’n, not minding if it was disrespectful or what. Ryo was rude to me!
Pagkarating ko sa kuwarto ko ay sinarado ko kaagad ang pinto at ni-lock. I found myself sitting on the floor and hugging my knees. Hindi ko alam kung naiiyak ba ako sa gutom o naiiyak ako sa inis kay Ryo, o parehas kaya grabe ang hinagulgol ko.
I know that he doesn’t like me because I feel the same, but that was completely unnecessary. Saka hindi ba niya natatandaan ’yung sinabi ng doktor na ’wag niya akong stress-in? Bakit kabaliktaran iyong ginagawa niya?
I forced myself to stop crying because it made me feel tired. Pumwesto na lang ulit ako sa desk ko at binuksan ang laptop. Crying made me feel worse. Lalo lang atang lumala ang gutom ko, and all I had was my water bottle.
“Ang sama-sama ng ugali ng tatay mo,” sabi ko sa anak ko habang nagtitiis sa tubig at nagii-scroll sa YouTube para manood na lang ng kung ano-ano para ma-distract. Ryo’s so mean. How could he say that to me? I know that he’s childish but that was too much, or maybe I’m just dramatic.
I groaned when I saw Ryo’s face on the screen. Hanggang dito ba naman ay may advertisement niya? I don’t want to see his face!
Wala namang rumerehistro sa isip ko habang nanonood. Alam kong hindi ko dapat inuuna ang pride ko lalo na’t buntis ako, pero hindi ko magawang bumaba para kumain dahil baka nagsisimula na sila. Ngyaon ko lang na-process iyong kahihiyang ginawa namin ni Ryo sa baba. I hope Tita wouldn’t be mad at me for ditching the dinner.
I snapped out of my trance upon hearing something by the door, as if someone’s kicking it or forcing it open. I paused the cooking video that was playing on the background while I was thinking of ways to make Ryo bleed before getting the door. Napapikit ako nang mariin nang makita ang biktima ng ini-imagine kong murder pagkabukas ko ng pinto.
“Halika na, kumain na tayo,” maamo niyang sabi na parang napakabait niya pero ang totoo ay napakasahol ng ugali niya. Galing talaga niya um-acting. Iyong sa energy drink ad nga mukhang sarap na sarap siya e ayaw niya naman no’n.
I kept my eyes shut. “Kumain ka mag-isa mo. Saka hindi pa ba sila nagsisimula? Ano’ng ginagawa mo rito?”
I heard him scoff. “Mommy threw me out of the dining room.”
Napamulat ako ro’n. May hawak-hawak siyang tray na may lamang pagkain. Wala na ang mayabang niyang pagmumukha at hindi na siya makatingin sa ’kin ngayon. Gusto kong matawa. Napagalitan naman pala kaya nandito.
“Kumain ka sa kuwarto mo,” I told him. He let out an exasperated sigh.
“Come on, Frankie. You’re pregnant. Don’t skip meals.” Tuluyan akong natawa ro’n. Siya pa ang may ganang magsabi no’n e siya nga ’yong dahilan kung bakit nagtitiis ako sa gutom ngayon at nanonood na lang ng videos ng pagkain! Ang gulo rin niya e!
“Maybe if you weren’t so annoying earlier, we wouldn’t have this conversation now,” I said and flashed him a fake smile. Ginantihan niya rin ako ng pekeng ngiti kaya napasimangot ako. Hindi ko mabasa kung gusto niya ba talagang mag-sorry o ano e.
“Oo na nga, mali nga ako,” he said but I still wasn’t convinced. Problemadong-problemado na ngayon ang mukha niya.
I raised a brow at him, urging him to say the word, at alam niya na rin kung ano’ng ibig sabihin no’n dahil ganito rin kami kapag nag-aaway kami noon. But instead of complying, he shook his head so I shrugged and was about to slam the door shut but he blocked it with his foot. He had to regain his balance dahil baka matapon iyong hawak niya.
He groaned. “Frankie naman e.”
I made a face. “What?” Ang dali-dali ng sasabihin niya hindi niya pa masabi!
He stood properly. “Sorry,” he whispered. He lifted his gaze at me when I remained unmoving.
“Sorry, sabi ko,” he repeated, a little more loud and clearer this time.
“I heard you,” I replied.
His nose scrunched. Umiwas ako ng tingin bago niya pa ako gamitan ng pagpapaamo niya. “Kain na tayo.”
Pinapasok ko na siya hindi dahil sa tinanggap ko ’yung sorry niya, kundi dahil nakakatakam ’yung amoy ng kare-kare. Itinabi ko ang laptop para maipwesto niya sa desk ko ’yong tray. Kinuha niya ’yung upuan sa tapat ng tokador at hinila para makaupo ro’n sa pwesto niya.
None of us tried to strike a conversation. Hindi na ako nag-react nang sandukan niya ako ng ulam. He looked like he was trying to say something pero kada pagtataasan ko siya ng kilay ay umiiling lang siya.
I stood up after we finished eating. I heard him clear his throat while he’s cleaning up the utensils kaya napalingon ako sa kaniya.
“Do you need new clothes?” mahina niyang tanong.
Napatingin ako sa sarili ko sa harap ng tokador. My weight gain isn’t that drastic, but the small baby bump is starting to get a bit more noticeable, specially now that I’m wearing a stretchy tank top. Sinukat ko naman ’yong mga skirts at slacks ko kanina at kasya pa naman. Most of the blouses that I own are loose-fitting, kaya hindi naman ako magkakaproblema pa sa damit.
“Hindi pa naman,” I answered, eyes still glued on my baby bump. I poked it a bit with my fingers. Now that it’s starting to show, parang mas ramdam ko tuloy na buntis na talaga ako.
I looked at Ryo. He’s refilling my water bottle. Binalik ko ang tingin sa sarili. I contemplated on whether to ask him if he wants to touch the baby bump… Awkward ba ’yon?
“Ryo,” tawag ko sa kaniya. He stopped cleaning up my desk and turned to look at me.
“Ano?” Napansin ko ang mabilis niyang pagsulyap sa kinakapa ng kamay ko.
“Do you wanna touch?” Iniwas ko kaagad ang tingin at pumaling sa repleksiyon sa salamin. Wala akong narinig na tugon sa kaniya kaya akala ko, ayaw niya. Ngunit mayamaya lang ay nasa likuran ko na siya.
“Okay lang?” paalam niya.
I nodded and grabbed his hand because he didn’t do anything after getting my permission. I felt him flinch a little but I didn’t say anything about it.
I put his hand over the baby bump. Parang nanigas ata ’yong kamay niya at hindi niya maigalaw. I looked at our reflection and I saw him gulp. I waited for him to be comfortable before letting go of his hand.
“N-Naramdaman mo na bang gumalaw?” he asked in a low whisper. I shook my head.
“Baka next month?” he asked again and I nodded. Napanguso siya roon. Pinigilan kong mapangiti. Mukha siyang batang excited sa kung ano.
“Sa tingin mo, babae o lalaki?” tanong niya ulit. I shrugged. Wala naman akong pakialam dahil hindi ko rin talaga alam kung ano’ng gusto ko. All I want is for our baby to come out healthy. Saka sana, kahit papaano ay may nakuhang feature mula sa ’kin, ’wag sana puro kay Ryo.
“Ano kayang magiging pangalan?”
Ang dami niyang tanong. I’m just on my third month of pregnancy kaya hindi ko rin alam ang isasagot sa kaniya. Hindi ko na lang pinupuna dahil ang gaan din sa pakiramdam na ganito lang kami, tahimik lang.
“I wonder who’s inside… Is it Raiko or Lyra?” tanong niya at bahagyang natawa, pero ako ay parang na-estatwa.
His chuckles faded and his hand stopped caressing the baby bump when he realized what he just said. Agad niyang binawi ang kamay at bumalik sa inaayos niya.
My tongue poked the inside of my cheek. I wiped the sweat on my forehead with the back of my palm. Now, that’s awkward.
I couldn’t blame him for slipping because he looked too happy. I dated him for four years so I know how he looks like when he’s happy and excited. For a moment, he might have forgotten that we already split up… and Raiko and Lyra were part of our past.
Kasama iyon sa plano namin noon. Those were supposed to be the names of our babies if we didn’t break up, and if our plans came true.
Tumikhim siya. “Sorry. Baka ibang pangalan na pala ang gusto mo,” aniya. Hindi na ako umimik.
Honestly, I still want to use those names. We agreed to those names when we were still together. Nga lang ay hindi mapigilang kahit papaano ay may dalang kirot kapag iniisip ko. In a few months, magkakaro’n kami ng Raiko o Lyra na nasa plano namin… pero ’yung plano naming kasal, bahay, wala. Dapat ba akong matuwa na kahit isa lang sa mga plano namin ay natupad?
After he finished cleaning up, sinabihan niya lang akong katukin siya kapag may kailangan ako mamaya tapos ay tahimik nang umalis.
I lightly slapped my cheeks twice. Ano naman kung hindi matupad lahat ng pinlano namin? At least both of us are okay with our lives now.
Ryo was almost my first on everything. I used to believe that it was all too good to be true because he was out of my league. Isa pa, ang hirap lumandi sa hindi mo ka-social class. Pumasok ako sa kolehiyo nang single at grumaduate nang may boyfriend. Cali even told me before that Ryo spent five years in college para sabay kaming grumaduate. Hindi ako naniwala noon dahil ang inisip ko lang na dahilan ay gusto niya pang maglaro.
I would be lying if I would say na hindi ako nanghihinayang kahit papaano. Apat na taon din ’yon, ang dami kong ininvest na feelings.
When I decided that we should split up, I didn’t think twice. Kahit na may panghihinayang ay hindi naman ako ’yung tipo ng magdadalawang-isip makipaghiwalay dahil lang sa tagal ng relasyon. If I want it to end and if it already hurts too much, wala akong pakialam kung ga’no katagal, tatapusin ko talaga.
After cleaning up my room for a bit to distract myself, I took a quick warm shower to relieve my stress. On regular days, nagsasalpukan talaga kami ni Ryo. Pero kapag nasasaling talaga namin ’yung pinagsamahan namin sa loob ng apat na taon, parehas kaming natatahimik.
I wonder if it still affects him they way it affects me. Masyado lang talaga akong busy para i-process ’yung feelings ko, at hindi ko ide-deny na may parte sa ’kin na sinasadya ’yon. I just don’t want to wallow in regret. I’d rather be busy than sad.
I tucked myself in bed and forced myself to sleep, because I didn’t want to think about our past… and our failed plans.
My rumbling stomach woke me up in the middle of the night. I reached for my phone to check the time at napansing pasado alas-dose pa lang. Out of nowhere, sumusumpong na naman ang gutom ko.
I wore my slippers. I wonder if Ryo is still awake. Sigurado akong pagod siya dahil maghapon siya sa court, kaya may chance na tulog na tulog siya ngayon, but I don’t want to snoop in their kitchen.
I wore a jacket before heading out of my room. I used my phone’s flashlight while walking on the hallways. Magkatapat ang kuwarto ng magkapatid at sa tabi ng kay Raianne ang kuwarto nina Tita.
I knocked softly. Sinubukan kong pihitin ang door knob pero naka-lock mula sa loob. Pagkabitiw ko ro’n ay bigla na lang iyong nagbukas.
Naabutan ko siyang nasa tainga niya ang kaniyang phone. Bahagya siyang natigilan at iniwas agad ang tingin.
“Call me some other time,” I heard him say before ending the call.
Pakiramdam ko’y pinipilit niyang hindi ipakita sa ’kin ’yung phone niya ngunit nahagip naman ng mata ko iyong nasa screen. Siguro nga’t hindi ko nabasa iyong pangalan, but I’m sure I saw the initials NA on the contact photo. May kutob na rin ako kung sino ’yon, but should I bring that up? No. Why should we talk about Natalie? Why should I care? Why should I be bothered that they’re talking at this hour? He has his own life the same way as I have mine.
“Nagugutom ka?” mahina niyang tanong. Maybe the reason why we’re not bickering right now is because of that incident in my room. Kung papapiliin ata ako ay mas gusto ko iyong kulang na lang e magpa-barangay kami sa kaaaway kaysa ganitong ang awkward.
I nodded. Sinarado niya ang pinto ng kaniyang kwarto. He grabbed the hood of my hacket and put it on over my head. Pagkatapos ay nakadantay na iyong kamay niya sa ulo ko hanggang sa makarating kami sa baba.
I sat down and watched him open the fridge. “You’re craving for something?” he asked and shot me glance.
“Hindi,” sagot ko. Gutom lang talaga ako. Para ngang hindi na ako nabubusog kahit na ang dami ng kinakain ko.
He nodded. Nang maglabas siya ng hinog na hinog na mangga ay parang naglaway na agad ako. I averted my gaze and checked my phone when I felt it buzz.
Nathaniel Torres: I sent you the pending agendas. Pasok ka sa Monday?
Magre-reply pa lang ako nang hinain na ni Ryo sa harap ko iyong prutas. He got two spoons at nilagay niya sa tapat ko ’yung isa. He sat across me and I saw him check his phone, too.
Franceska Castañares: Thank you. I’ll be there on Monday.
Nathaniel Torres:
Why are you still awake? Are you working this late? Bukas na yan 😁
“Kain na,” narinig kong sabi ni Ryo. Hindi na ako nakapag-reply dahil sumunod ako sa utos niya at nagugutom na rin talaga ako.
We’re silently eating mangoes, at panay ang ilaw ng phone ko gawa ng chats ni Nate. Nahuli ko siyang sinamaan ng tingin iyong cellphone ko. Nadi-distract ata siya sa liwanag kaya tinaob ko iyon, but when I did that, I saw him roll his eyes, kaya hindi ko talaga mawari kung ano’ng gusto niyang mangyari.
His phone suddenly rang. Hindi ko naman sinasadyang mapatingin do’n. Nang bawiin ko ang tingin ko ay nahuli ko siyang nakatingin sa ’kin. I don’t even know why he glanced at me first instead of his phone, e hindi naman ako ’yung nag-ring! Kinunutan ko siya ng noo.
He clicked his tongue before putting his phone on silent. Tinaob niya rin iyon gaya ng ginawa ko sa phone ko. I pursed my lips. Nakakainis naman. Iniisiip niya bang interasado ako ro’n sa tawag gawa nung reaksiyon ko kanina? Napatingin lang naman ako e.
“Nakasimangot na naman…” narinig kong sabi niya.
“’Pag ’yang anak natin lumabas nang nakasimangot, nako, kasalanan mo ’yan,” umiiling niyang sabi. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin ngunit nang-aasar lang siyang ngumisi. Kasalanan naman niya kung bakit ako nakasimangot!
After eating, I waited for him to finish cleaning up kahit na sabi niya ay umakyat na ako. His phone kept on vibrating on the counter, kaya hindi ko mapigilang hindi ma-curious. I had to clasp my hands together dahil baka hindi ko mapigilang kuhanin ’yung phone niya at tingnan.
“Tara na,” aniya pagkatapos. He got his phone and I saw his brows furrow while looking at the screen. My lips twisted when I saw him turn his phone off.
Mauuna akong pumasok sa kuwarto dahil mas malapit sa hagdan iyong akin. He also stopped walking when I stopped in front of my room’s door.
Ano ba’ng sasabihin ko? It’s not like we’re good friends after we broke up, so I don’t know if it’s appropriate to be friendly. Thank you? Thank you sa mangga?
Instead of saying anything, tumalikod na lang ako. Pinihit ko ang doorknob at narinig ko siyang tinawag ang pangalan ko.
“Frankie.”
“What?” tanong ko at nilingon siya.
He didn’t speak. He kept on chewing on his lower lip as his gaze went down to the floor.
“Ano…” he trailed.
“Ano?” I asked. Tumaas ang kilay ko dahil nang ibalik niya sa ’kin ang tingin niya, mukha na naman siyang naiinis! E wala naman akong ginagawa!
“Kainis naman ’to e,” I heard him mumble as he scratched the back of his head. Lalo lang kumunot ang noo ko.
“Ano ba ’yon? May sasabihin ka ba?” I asked, starting to get annoyed. May kailangan ba siya? Or gusto lang ba niya akong inisin bago matulog?
“Good night,” he said so quickly as if he didn’t want me to hear that. Kitang-kita ko ang kaba sa mata niya nang iangat niya ang tingin.
“Yun lang. Good night, Frankie,” nagmamadali ulit niyang sabi. Umawang ang labi ko nang makita siyang takbuhin iyong daan pabalik sa kwarto niya na parang may humahabol sa kaniya at agad na pumasok sa loob.
Chapter 05: Dinner
#hhfm05 Chapter 05: Dinner
“Talie Alvarez, welcome to the program!”
Pumalakpak ang studio audience. Mayro’n pa ngang humiyaw nang malakas kaya napalingon si Talie at ang host. It was then followed by her laughter—and the way it rang inside my head annoyed me. I should be sleeping at this hour, pero hindi ako mapakali at may parte sa ’king gustong manood.
I picked up my pillows and set up a cozy spot on my bed so I could watch without worrying about my backache. For the next minute, all I heard was how the host praised Talie’s superficial attributes. Iba talaga ang rehistro ng mukha niya sa camera. Kahit naman off-cam ay maganda talaga siya, sadyang may iba lang na effect kapag nasa tapat ng lente.
The interview started with light topics. Ang dahilan kung bakit nasa national TV siya ngayon ay gawa nung photoshoot teaser na ni-release ng kabilang magazine. It broke the internet because, duh, the consumers are obsessed with her face and body.
Pinag-usapan lang nila iyong career ni Talie. She would be working for the network, kaya raw hindi niya ipu-pursue ang full-time modelling. My lips twisted as their conversation focused on her being a full-time sports reporter.
Wala akong duda sa kakayahan ni Ryo, so for sure a team would gladly accept him, baka nga pag-agawan pa siya. But, god, that meant seeing Natalie while watching him play dahil sabi niya, “You’ll be seeing me next season.” That meant her voice. Her laugh. Hearing her talk about Ryo. I wasn’t sure if if my annoyance was because of my pregnancy, dahil hindi naman ako ganito kairitable sa kaniya dati.
A low grunt of frustration escaped me when the show was interrupted by a commercial break. Lalo lang akong nainis nang makita ang commercial ng pizza sa malapad na screen. Napahawak tuloy ako sa tiyan ko. Lately, parang salitan lang ata ang pagiging pagod at gutom ko.
I lifted my weight out of my pile of pillows when I heard someone knocking on the door. Who could it be? Kanina pa naman nakauwi si Ryo at nakita niya naman akong buhay at humihinga pa kaya imposibleng siya ulit ’to para i-check kung okay pa ’ko.
Confusion pulled my eyebrows together when I saw Ryo outside. Kagaya kaninang dinner ay naka-puti siyang t-shirt at itim na sweatpants. My eyes wandered to what he’s holding—two mugs emitting light steam.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Hindi mo muna ako papasukin?”
I shook my head. “No. What’s that?” tanong ko ulit.
He dramatically sighed and shook his head unbelievingly. “Milo na may gatas.”
“Oh.” Lumuwag ang pagkakakunot ng noo ko. I didn’t want to look too thankful even if I kind of wanted to wrap my arms around him because he looked as cozy as the bunch of pillows on my bed.
It’s the hormones, I reminded myself. Don’t do things you wouldn’t do if you were not pregnant.
“Thanks,” I said as I received the mug from him. I felt like salivating on its sweet aroma. I was about to close the door when I noticed that he remained standing on his spot. “Do you still need anything?”
Napasimangot siya, malalim. “Hindi mo man lang ako aalukin pumasok?”
I shook my head. “No.”
He scoffed. Tumaas ang kilay ko roon. “Pasok ako,” aniya. I blocked the doorway. Agad na tumalim nang bahagya ang tingin niya sa ’kin.
“You have nothing to do here,” I told him while fighting the urge to inhale his scent dahil baka hanap-hanapin ko na naman. To be honest, I coudln’t wait for our next appointment with the OB-GYN. I was not exactly sure why or when it started but apparently, I developed this fixation on his scent. Ewan ko ba. Medyo gusto kong magtampo sa anak namin dahil ngayon pa lang ay mukhang maka-ama.
“I wanna watch TV. Move,” aniya. His free hand held my shoulder and it prickled my skin so I immediately stepped back and made way for him. Kumunot ang noo niya sa kinilos ko ngunit pumasok na lang nang walang imik.
I fought the urge to stare. Kinuha niya ang isang unan at nilagay sa may headboard bago sandalan. One of his legs dangled on the side of the bed, while the other occupied the space as if it was his. He leaned back and folded his knee, before sipping from his mug while his eyes were fixed on the screen.
I snorted. Napalingon siya sa akin at bahagya akong tinaasan ng kilay. I rolled my eyes and sat beside him, making sure our skin wouldn’t touch.
Sa dami ba naman ng lalaki, talagang kay Ryo pa? There are tons of celebrities I could lust after, courtesy of my pregnancy hormones. Kung bakit si Ryo pa, ewan ko na lang din.
“Hindi ka pa nakakatulog?” he asked.
“Obviously,” sagot ko. Narinig ko siyang may binulong-bulong na reklamo dahil daw “Gabi na, ang sungit-sungit pa rin.”
“Ikaw?” I asked and glanced at him. Mabilis ko iyong binawi nang maramdamang lilingon din siya sa ’kin.
“Nakatulog na. Iinom lang ako ng tubig, e ang lakas niyang TV, rinig ko sa labas.”
“What if I were sleeping? Sayang naman ’tong Milo’t gatas.”
I heard him snicker. “Hindi ’yan para sa ’yo. Para sa ’kin ’yan. Dalawa. Nataon lang na gising ka, e naaawa ako kaya binigay ko sa ’yo.”
Napangibit ako ro’n. I was torn if he was being sarcastic or what, dahil hindi malabong gawin niya talaga ’yon. “Two mugs, really, Ryo?”
I faced him. I saw the corner of his lips tug upwards before quickly finishing his drink. “Marami kasing mug, sayang kung ’di ko ita-try lahat.”
My eyes rolled upwards upon hearing that. Natuon ang atensyon ko ulit sa TV nang makita ko na ulit ang mukha ni Talie. I stole another glance at Ryo and saw his brows furrowing upon seeing Talie’s face.
Kasabay ng intense music ay ang halakhak ni Talie na halatang kinakabahan, o baka pinepeke niya lang. The host then asked controversial questions, mula sa rivalry-kuno nila no’ng isa pang bagong reporter na halos kaparehas niya ng kalibre.
And, finally, love life. They first talked about guys who were linked with her, at hindi ko alam kung bakit panay ang likot nitong katabi ko. Humigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa mug. Ano? Hindi ka mapakali d’yan? Bakit para kang inasinan?
“Are you dating someone?”
Cue in the wild audience screeches. Talie chuckled, letting her head fall back a little, and tucking a band of hair behind her ears after.
“I’ll leave the answer to your imagination,” she answered confidently. The host laughed at that.
“Sige, clue na lang…” the host said. Luminga siya sa studio audience bago harapin ulit si Talie. “Is he a pro basketball player?”
“Whoo.” Napalingon ako kay Ryo. He was blowing air on his palms. Pagkatapos ay pinagpag niya iyong kamay niya. Nang makitang nakalingon ako ay tumigil siya sa ginagawa.
“Shet,” I heard him whisper.
My annoyance accelerated. Binalik ko ang mata sa screen. “Hmm…” she trailed. “Depende, e,” sagot niya at tumawa ulit.
“What?” naguguluhang tanong ng host. “Paanong depende? Enlighten us.”
“Well… if he passes the draft—”
Hindi naituloy ni Talie ang sasabihin nang may mga nagtilian na sa studio audience. My face contorted in irritation when the camera shifted to someone waving a banner which says, Ryo and Talie, on ugly red letters.
“Tulog ka na, Frankie,” narinig kong sabi ni Ryo bago ko naramdamang lumundo ang kama. He flashed me a smile, which I found weird and fake, before getting the mug out of my hold. He searched for the remote control and turned off the TV.
“Tulog ka na… Bawal magpuyat, ’di ba?” sabi niya sa mabait na tono, which was obviously so not him. Napakaplastik talaga nito.
“Sabihin mo, ayaw mong marinig ko ’yung isasagot ni Talie,” I mumbled but still rearranged the pillows on the bed. Nakakaramdam na rin naman talaga ako ng antok pero gusto kong manood. Maybe I would just watch the highlights tomorrow.
I heard him sigh. “Hindi ako ’yong tinutukoy niya.”
“Did I ask?” Tinakluban ko ang sarili ko ng kumot. I straddled the pillow with my lap and pulled it closer to me.
“Pst,” aniya. I closed my eyes and just decided to sleep and ignore him.
“Inarte ka na naman diyan,” narinig kong bubulong-bulong niyang sabi. He tugged on my blanket and I covered my face with the pillow I’m hugging.
“Tulog ka na, ha?” Paano ’ko matutulog kung hindi siya matahi-tahimik?!
“Good night… sa baby,” was the last thing he said before I heard him leaving.
* * *
I had to keep a straight face as I walked beside Ryo. We had a schedule for this morning. Pagkatapos nito ay sa office naman ang diretso ko. I was guessing that he was going to train again because he’s on his black dri-fit shirt and basketball shorts.
Lihim akong napahugot ng malalim na hininga nang magdampi ang kamay namin dahil sabay naming inabot ’yung handle ng pintuan ng sasakyan niya. Samantalang siya ay hindi niya nagawang itago ang pagkabigla dahil napamura siya at agad na binawi ang kamay. I didn’t expect him to try to open the door for me dahil for the past week, hindi naman niya ’yon gawain at wala namang problema ro’n.
Nagmamadali tuloy siyang pumasok sa driver’s seat. I chewed on my bottom lip and refrained from saying anything. I was not really in the mood to argue.
“Is it okay to roll down the windows?” tanong ko sa kalagitnaan ng biyahe. For some reason, nahihirapan akong huminga sa loob ng sasakyan niya. Or maybe, I just didn’t like the scent of his car freshener blending with his perfume.
“Bakit?” naalarma niyang tanong. “Okay ka lang?”
Relief immediately rushed through me as I quickly rolled down the window. Agad akong humugot ng malalim na hininga. Nabawasan na iyong naaamoy kong hindi ko gusto. “Mabigat sa dibdib,” sagot ko.
“E pa’nong ’di bibigat… ang laki-laki…”
Napakurap-kurap ako nang marinig ’yon. When I finally processed what he said, I turned to him and shot him a glare. Inayos ko ang suot kong coat at sinuguradong matatakluban ang dibdib ko. I crossed my arms, too. I noticed that my breasts were growing pero hindi ko naman alam na pinapansin din niya!
“Bastos,” I mumbled.
“Ha?” taka niyang tanong. He threw me a quick glance. Pinihit ko ang katawan patalikod sa kaniya para hindi niya makita!
“Ha?!” mas gulantang niyang sabi ngayon. Sinakop ng kaniyang kamay ang kaniyang bibig at hindi ko alam kung nagpipigil ba siya ng tawa o ano!
He shook his head as he failed to contain his laughters. He pinched the bridge of his nose. His broad shoulders evidently shook as he tried to laugh without making a sound.
“’Yung kwintas mo kasi, ang laki-laki…” was his excuse. It is true, though, that my pearl necklace was quite big. Pero naniniwala pa rin akong hindi ’yon ’yung tinutukoy niyang malaki!
“Hay nako,” he mumbled. Amusement laced his chuckles. Matatahimik kami tapos maya-maya ay bigla na lang siyang matatawa bigla kaya lalo lang akong nainis.
“Next month, baka may fetal movement na?” tanong niya sa ’kin habang naglalakad kami palabas. Paulit-ulit niya na ’yong tinanong kay Doktora kanina pero kinukulit niya pa rin ako hanggang ngayon. Tagalog na Tagalog naman ’yun kaya hindi ko alam kung hindi niya ba maintindihan o gusto lang niyang umaktong para sirang plaka.
“Oo nga,” sabi ko. Nabitin sa ere ang iritasyon ko nang maaninag ang tuwa sa mata niya.
He nodded happily at me before skipping his way towards his car. Napailing na lang ako habang tinatanaw siya. He even opened the door for me at sumabay pa siya sa kanta sa stereo. Hindi naman halatang excited siya.
I kept on checking the time dahil ayaw kong ma-late at may meeting ngayon. I texted Crista if Nathan’s already there and buti na lang na wala pa.
“Lunch mo, ah,” aniya bago ako tuluyang bumaba ng sasakyan. Bahagya akong natigilan do’n dahil sa biglaang dagsa ng memorya ng pamilyar na tono ng pananalita niya sa ’kin. Maybe it’s just the morning heat, or baka nahihibang na lang talaga ako, but he sounded… like the college Ryo who loved me.
“Gawa nung bata,” pahabol niya kaya napabalik ako sa ulirat. I nodded. I reminded myself that he’s only being nice because of our child. I got out of the car silently.
Sa isang buwan na lumipas noong nag-break kami, hindi ko naman ’yon naisip. Hindi ko naman na-miss masyado ’yung mga pakulo niya, ’yung mga biro niya, saka ’yung mga paborito niyang gawin. Maybe drowning myself with work was effective to get him out of my mind.
“Frankie!”
I turned to look to whoever called me. Nate waved his right hand while half-running towards me. Like the usual, he’s holding a tall cup of coffee.
I’ve been wearing my loose-fitted blouses and huge coats to work kaya hindi pa nila nahahalata ang baby bump ko. Sabi ni Tita, medyo maliit nga raw ako kung magbuntis. She told me one afternoon over brunch that her tummy grew really huge when she was pregnant with Ryo.
“Have you checked my e-mails? Ang daming for transcript, tapos may sched pa ng interviews. You’re handling the—” Nathan stopped talking when someone joined us as we were walking. Dahil sa sinag ng araw at sa tangkad niya ay nasisilungan ko ang anino niya. Napatigil ako sa paglalakad at nilingon si Ryo na akala ko’y umalis na.
“What?” tanong ko. He glanced at Nathan before looking at me.
“Anong oras kita susunduin?” he asked then pursed his lips, then he threw Nathan a glance again.
“Ha? Hindi naman nagbago sched ko, ah?” taka kong tanong. Ryo nodded. Napapikit ako nang ilapat niya ang palad sa tuktok ng aking ulo at bahagyang guluhin ang aking buhok.
“Sige, susunduin kita,” aniya. Confused, I watched him as he jogged back to his car. Alam ko namang susunduin niya ako dahil ’yon ang routine namin tuwing Lunes. I don’t know why he talked like he was not informed or something.
Nahalata kong hindi na kumportable si Nathan pagkatapos no’n. Hindi na rin ako nag-intiate ng usapan. He looked like he had a lot of questions, and I was not in the mood to answer.
“Frankie,” Nathan called me right after we were out of the conference room.
“Yes, Sir?” At work, I treat him as my boss, kahit na pilit niyang sinasabi sa ’kin na okay lang na casual lang kami.
“Can we have dinner tonight?” he asked which made me stop on my tracks. Tumaas nang bahagya ang isa kong kilay roon.
“What for?”
He chuckled. “Uh, so we can talk about the December Issue?”
Naningkit ang mata ko ro’n. “I’m not that important. You have your assistant editors.”
He smiled sheepishly. “Bawal ba tayong mag-dinner? What about as college friends?”
I wasn’t sure if Nathan still likes me. Malinaw naman niyang sinabi noon na umatras na siya laban kay Ryo. We were friends, pero hindi na gaanong ka-close simula nung naging kami ni Ryo—which was also during first year kaya maikling panahon lang din ’yong naging close kami ni Nate.
“Please?” His eyes were hopeful. Napanguso ako. Tita said I could make plans and leave the house if I wanted to, and I could always ask for assistance from their drivers. I couldn’t pinpoint yet what Nathan exactly wants, pero wala naman sigurong mawawala kung papayag ako.
“Sure,” I said and mentally took note of it dahil nakakahiya kung malilimutan ko. Lumapad ang kaniyang ngiti at nagpaalam na ako na babalik sa table ko.
By lunch time, nag-text sa ’kin ’yung guard na may package daw ako sa baba. I couldn’t remember ordering anything online. Wala na nga ata akong pinagkakagastusan at sa ipon ko lahat napupunta.
“Hi.”
“You’re the package?” I asked Ryo. He’s on a different shirt and he looked fresh. I fought the urge to look at his chest. Hindi ko alam kung masikip ba iyong suot niya o sadyang malapad siya kaya parang naghihigitan ang dalawang dulo no’n. May hawak-hawak siyang plastic bag at nakatayo sa may tabihan ng guard na nagmukhang sobrang liit sa tabihan niya.
“Hindi, ’no. Asa ka,” aniya. Kumunot ang noo ko roon. Did he seriously drive here just to piss me off?
“Hindi pa ako nagla-lunch, ’wag mo ’kong inisin,” mariin kong sabi sa kaniya.
He handed me the plastic bag. Nag-aalangan ko iyong tinanggap at sinilip ang laman. Napangibit ako nang matanaw ang leche flan sa loob. Why does he keep on annoying me tapos ay biglaan niya akong bibigyan ng kakainin? Inaabuso niya ba na pagkain ang nakabibili sa katahimikan ko?
“Desert mo,” he said. “Nga pala, ano’ng gusto mong dinner?”
Hindi ko agad iyon nasagot. Napaisip muna ako kung mababahala ba siya kapag sinabi kong may dinner ako with Nate.
Nag-aalala ba ako na mababahala siya? Hindi. Curious lang.
“I’m not having dinner at home,” I told him. Nagsalubong ang kilay niya roon.
“Bakit?” tanong niya.
I got distracted for a moment when his tongue brushed his lower lip—the gloss effect reminded me of the leche flan I was holding. Only that his lips looked much more sweeter. And would probably also feel better on my tongue.
Or maybe it’s just the hormones. Again.
“I have dinner with Nate,” I answered. Siniklop ko ang buhok sa isang gilid dahil pakiramdam ko’y lalagnatin ata ako sa mga naiisip ko kay Ryo. Idagdag pa ang kahihiyan na siya pa talaga ang pinag-iisipan ko ng mga gano’ng gawain! Parang gusto kong itakwil ang sarili ko.
“Ah…” he said, nodding. I was worried that he might throw tantrums, but he didn’t. “Ano’ng oras ka uuwi? Magpapasundo ka ba o ihahatid ka niya?”
“Baka ihatid na lang niya ako pauwi.”
Tumango lamang siyang muli. “Sige. Pero susunduin pa rin kita ’pag out mo na?”
“If you want,” sagot ko. He scrunched his nose at that.
“Okay. Balik na ’ko sa court,” aniya. He ruffled the top of my head before jogging away.
Gano’n nga ang nangyari. He picked me up after work and we went home. I only saw Tito around kaya sa kaniya ako nagpaalam na aalis ako mamaya. Nagpalipas lang ako ng oras sa kuwarto.
I changed into a yellow dress but still wore my coat. Ang plano ko ay magpahatid sa driver nila sa may tapat ng office dahil do’n kami magkikita ni Nate. Mamayang gabi ko na lang siguro siya bibiglain na dito ako nakatita kina Tita… or not. Ewan ko na kung paano mamaya.
“Ate Frankie.” Napalingon ako kay Raianne. She’s still wearing her ID at mukhang kauuwi lang. “Have you seen Kuya?”
“Sabay kaming umuwi,” ang tanging nasagot ko dahil wala naman akong idea dahil nagkulong na ’ko sa kuwarto.
“Ah, baka umalis na naman,” aniya na may bahid ng tampo. Tumaas ang kilay ko roon. He left? I thought he’s done practicing for today?
Pero hindi ko iyon dapat pakialaman kaya hindi na ako nagsalita. Hindi niya nga ako pinakikialaman kung sa’n ako pumupunta, kaya dapat gano’n din ako sa kaniya.
Nathan and I went to a common restaurant near our building. All we talked about was work, and a few of our batch-mates. Hindi naman siya gaanong ka-awkward at magaan lang ang usapan. He wasn’t asking about Ryo, though feeling ko, nangangati siyang magtanong.
Nang mapadpad kami sa usapan ng mga kakilala naming magkarelasyon noong college ay kinutuban na ako na malapit na kaming mapunta sa usapan kay Ryo. “Have you heard? Ikakasal na raw sina Derrick at Ashley.”
“Really?” I asked, surprised. Tanda kong magkaibigan sila noong freshmen year. Graduating na kami noong naging sila. And that was just months ago! Pero hindi naman ako para manghusga ng choices nila.
“Yup,” he said, chuckling a little.
When he cleared his throat, I prepared myself. “Nga pala…”
“Nope, we’re not together,” sabi ko kaagad. He looked taken aback by the way I cut him off.
“We’re… friends,” simpleng paliwanag ko.
“Ah,” he said and, is that relief I hear?
Hindi ko naman pinagbabawalan ang sarili kong sumubok ulit sa isang relasyon. I was done I already moved on with Ryo, but it’s not easy to adjust to another person. Four years was no joke. I exposed myself to him. Ryo was also my best friend for four years. Sa kaniya lang ako naging kumportable sa lahat.
It’s just that, right now, I couldn’t see myself entering a relationship, nor entertaining anyone. I wanted to focus on my pregnancy. I also have this feeling na kapag nanganak na ako, wala na ata kong planong mag-asawa. It’s difficult to open up and make myself vulnerable to someone new. Baka makampante na lang ako sa anak ko.
“Thank you,” I said after he dropped me off somewhere else dahil sa bandang huli ay nagbago ang isip ko at sinadyang ’wag na lang ipaalam muna sa kaniya na kina Tita ako nakatira. I was afraid that he would ask more questions, I didn’t want to entertain more questions about Ryo and I’s complicated set-up.
I texted one of their drivers to pick me up kahit na kaya kong mag-commute dahil ayaw kong mapagalitan ng sinoman sa bahay. Tapos na silang mag-dinner nang makarating ako sa bahay. Nagpalit lamang ako ng damit bago bumaba habang bitbit ang laptop ko.
I could say that Ryo wasn’t home yet because I didn’t see his car parked outside. For some reason, I wanted to stay at the living room and wait for him to arrive. I wasn’t interested on where he went or who he was with. I just wanted to satisfy this need to see him before I sleep. Baka nasanay lang ako na he would always go up and check on me before bedtime.
While waiting, I decided to work on the e-mails Nathan sent me. Hindi ko namamalayan ang oras kapag nagtatrabaho at ang nagpaalis lang ng tingin ko sa laptop ay ang boses ni Raianne.
“Ate,” tawag niya. Her hair’s up on a messy ponytail and she’s holding a tall glass of water. “It’s late. Why are you here pa?”
The truth refused to roll off my tongue. I shook my head instead of telling her that I’m waiting for her brother. “Change of scenery while working,” was my excuse.
“But late na,” aniya at napasimangot. “You should head upstairs. Pagagalitan ka lang ni Kuya kapag naabutan ka niya diyan.”
“I’m okay,” I told her and assured her with a smile. Nag-aalangan niya akong iniwan sa baba. When she was out of sight, I checked the time on my laptop.
Uuwi pa ba siya? It’s almost eleven p.m..
Napahikab na ako ngunit wala pa ring Ryo na dumarating. I stood up and stretched a bit because my legs were starting to feel numb. I opened my phone and decided to check my social media accounts to take a break from work. Ngayon ko lang din napansin ang chat ni Cali.
Link na naman ng kung ano ang sinend niya. I sat back on the sofa and waited for the article to load. It was a celebrity gossip website. When Ryo and Talie’s picture occupied my phone screen, I wasn’t sure on how to feel.
Parang akala mo e national concern na nakita silang magkasama. My fingers were cold as I scrolled to see the date of the article.
Today. Published 40 minutes ago.
I didn’t want to read the short article. The only sentence that I bothered to check was the last, which said: Kailan ba sila aamin?
So siya nga ’yong binabanggit ni Talie sa interview? Na hinihintay niya kung makukuha sa drafting? Siya rin ’yung Thank you, R sa Instagram niya?
“What are you reading?”
Halos mabitiwan ko ang phone nang may bumulong sa aking kaliwang tainga. How he got behind me without me knowing, I had no idea. I immediately locked my phone and stood up. Ryo’s brow arched at me.
“Matutulog na ako,” sabi ko. Goodness. Nahuli ba niya akong binabasa ’yon? Ano na lang ang isiipin niya? Na nakatutok ako sa mga balita tungkol sa kaniya? E kung kaya ko nga, baka pinasabog ko na nga ’yung billboard niya!
“Dalhin ko na laptop mo,” aniya at bago pa man ako makatanggi ay nahagip niya na ’yon. I bit my tongue softly. Baka mamaya e madulas ako at mapatanong kung magkasama nga sila ni Talie kanina at ano’ng ginawa nila.
He opened my bedroom door and went inside. Sumunod lang ako sa kaniya. Maingat niyang nilapag ang laptop ko sa desk.
“’Wag ka na magpuyat nang magpuyat. ’Wag kang pasaway please, Frankie,” he said.
“Sorry, ’di ko napansin oras. I was working,” sabi ko kahit na noong nahuli niya ako e hindi naman ako nagtatrabaho.
Pumwesto na ako sa kama at halos takluban na ang sarili ng kumot dahil sa kahihiyan kanina. I was still bothered kung nakita niya ba na about sa kaniya ’yung binabasa ko o hindi. Sakali man, gusto ko na lang magpalamon sa kutson.
“Paki-lock na lang ’yung pinto pag-alis mo,” I said, almost a whisper, while he remained unmoving in front of my desk.
“Frankie.”
“Yes?”
Nanatili siyang nakatalikod sa ’kin. “Pwede ka bang manood sa draft combine?”
Kumunot ang noo ko ro’n. Hindi ba’y posibleng naro’n si Talie? Ano’ng gusto niya? Magkita kami ni Talie? O balak niyang ipamukha sa ’kin ang kung anomang moments ang gagawin nila?
“Why? Ano’ng gagawin ko naman du’n?” tanong ko at napanguso. I immediately put on a straight face when he turned on his heel to face me. Humigpit ang kapit ko sa kumot nang lumapit siya.
“Bakit? Busy ka ba?” malumanay niyang tanong. He crouched in front of me.
“No…” I answered and instantly regretted it. “Pero ’di ko alam bakit ako pupunta dapat du’n. You know I don’t understand a thing about sports,” mabilis kong agap.
He smiled gently. Amusement crossed his eyes. I don’t know if it’s because of the last line that I said. Four years akong may boyfriend na basketbolista pero wala akong naiintindihan. All I wanted was to watch him play, be with him in every loss, and celebrate his every win.
“Wala lang. I just really want you to be there, Frankie.”
Chapter 06: Lucky Star
#hhfm06 chapter 06: Lucky Star
“What is wrong with you?”
I ignored Cali. Madrama siyang suminghap na parang hindi makapaniwala sa gusto kong mangyari. I shook my head no matter how angry she looked at me. If I weren’t pregnant, I was sure that she would have pulled my hair and dragged me out of this car.
“Sa mall na lang po ako,” I told the driver who looked conflicted. I couldn’t blame him because Cali looked scary when she’s mad.
“No!” kontra niya agad. I sighed. Ryo should not have contacted her. May excuse nga ako kanina para hindi sa kaniya sumabay papunta sa court, pero kinukulit naman ako nitong isa at mukhang magagalit pa sa ’kin.
She grabbed my arm and forced me to look at her. Hindi naman mariin ang pagkakakapit niya sa ’kin pero ’yung tingin niya ay bumabaon. “You’re just going to sit there and watch. Katabi mo naman ako!”
“I don’t want that,” I said and gently removed her hand on my arm. Her face contorted in frustration.
November came by like a blur, and before I knew it, I was pretending to have a migraine and feel sick so I would have an excuse to stay in bed yesterday. Alas-sais pa lang ata ay gising na ako. Alas-nueve nang pumunta si Ryo sa kuwarto dahil unang araw ng draft combine. I pretended to be sleeping my supposed headache away so he would not bother me. Mumuntik-muntik pa siyang hindi pumunta sa draft dahil gusto niyang magpa-check up ako. Fortunately, I was able to push him away. Tito Finn helped me because he basically held Ryo by the neckline of his white jersey just to drag him out of my room. I had to deal with Tita’s panic and overreaction after that.
I didn’t want to go to the draft but I did watch him online. Mahirap manood dahil hindi naman sa kaniya naka-focus ang buong livestream, but my eyes tried to search the number 25 printed on the back of his white jersey and the side of his midnight blue shorts.
Today’s the second day. Hindi ko alam kung nahalata ba ni Ryo na pineke ko lang iyong sakit ko kahapon kaya siniguro niyang pupunta si Cali sa bahay para sabay kaming pupunta. I didn’t have a choice but to join her just so she would shut up, akala ko kasi ay kaya ko. But when we were nearing the venue, umatras lahat ng lakas ng loob na naipon ko. I didn’t want to go. I changed my mind. Maybe I would just wait for Ryo outside. That’s like… after five hours or so. Just thinking about the back pain and the numbness on my legs made me frown, but I could stay inside the car.
“Frankie, draft combine ’to, ha? Hindi ’to rookie draft day. This isn’t open to the public. Pinagpaalam ka pa ni Ryo kaya ka puwedeng pumasok. Ako naman, ninakaw ko pa ’tong role na ’to kahit na hindi naman ako pang-sports. Bakit ba ayaw mo? Ayaw mo makita si Talie? Edi haharangan ko!” dire-diretsong sabi ni Cali.
Talie’s there, of course. Aside from the highlights and the public’s favourite players, mayro’ng isa pang pag-uusapan dahil nando’n siya. I’m pretty sure she’s there as a journalist but people treated her like a supermodel or something. Hindi naman na ako nabibigla. She took a photo with Ryo yesterday and posted it on her Instagram with a blank caption, stirring shit on the internet and gossip websites. Kung bakit ko pa iyon tiningnan, ewan ko na rin. Gumagawa na lang ata ako ng sarili kong kaiinisan.
“Ayaw ko, Cali,” halos magmakaawa kong sabi. Dahil male-late siya at naghihintay na ang kasama niyang media crew sa court ay nagpatuloy na ulit ang driver sa pagmamaneho. Cali still looked pissed at me as she got out of the vehicle.
Tinanaw ko ang court. There were vans outside, probably carrying equipment for the coverage. “Sure kang ayaw mo? Final answer?” she asked.
Nag-alangan pa ako. I wanted to watch him but… the draft days reminded me of something that I didn’t want to remember. Hindi ko alam kung nalimutan na iyon ni Ryo at sadyang wala nang ibig sabihin iyong pag-iimbita niya sa ’kin, o talagang pinagti-trip-an niya ako.
“Dito na lang ako,” I sighed, “Pasok ka na.”
Lumalim ang kaniyang simangot. “Fine. But you’re going on the rookie draft day.”
I smiled, “Okay.”
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang ire-react ni Ryo ’pag na-realize niyang wala ako sa loob. Hinayaan niya ako kanina sa bahay dahil alam niyang kay Cali ako sasabay. Kahapon, hindi naman siya mukhang nagtampo. I did tell him that I watched the livestream. Iyon ay dahil nga akala niya e masakit ang ulo at likod ko. Ngayon, he caught me doing well at sabi pa ni Cali ay pupunta kami, kaya feel ko, magtatampo ’yon na parang bata.
I couldn’t stay in the car for hours without doing anything. Their driver didn’t want to go home dahil daw baka ma-late siya kapag susunduin pa ako ulit, so I had him with me at the mall because I couldn’t make him wait in the parking lot for several hours. Naubos ang oras ko sa paglalakad at pagtitingin ng kung ano-ano. When my legs grew tired, we went to a coffee shop. Mabuti na lang at may dala akong pera. I heard it’s okay for me to drink coffee as long hindi sosobra, pero naririnig ko na agad iyong OA na boses ni Ryo sa utak ko kaya hindi na kape ang binili ko. Saglit akong nakapanood ng game dahil sa libreng wi-fi.
“’Yon lang po ba?” their driver asked me as I handed him a 200-peso bill. I nodded. Ginusto ko nang mauna sa sasakyan dahil nananakit na naman ang likod ko. Naguguluhan man ay sumunod din naman siya, probably thinking that I’m craving for what I asked him to buy.
I waited for their driver who went to the hypermarket to buy something that would calm Ryo down if ever he would throw tantrums. Pagbalik niya ay inabot niya sa ’kin ang sukli at ang isang box ng juice na pinabili ko. Hindi masyadong malamig, but this is Ryo’s favourite so I hope he wouldn’t be so mad at me for not watching him live.
I checked the time and texted Cali if they’re almost done for today. I spent another 20 minutes in the car waiting before I asked their driver to go home. Cali would be riding with the company van at ako… I just hope Ryo would take me home with him.
“Mabigat po ata ’yan,” sabi ng driver nila habang bitbit ko iyong box palabas ng sasakyan.
“Kaya ko naman po,” I said. Hindi naman talaga masyadong mabigat. Hesitantly, he took off. I searched for Ryo’s car at nilapag ko iyong box sa sahig. Kumuha ako ng isa at nilagyan na ng straw. I sat on my heel as I waited for him.
Not long after, nakita ko na siyang may kausap na mga teammates niya dati. Naka-jersey pa sila habang si Ryo ay naka-puting t-shirt na. They parted ways before they could get to me and thank god for that. I’m not sure if it’s because of the sponsor’s guards pero wala akong nakikitang media sa paligid.
I stood up. Agad na nagsalubong ang kilay ni Ryo nang makita ako. Mukhang gusto niya ngang tumigil sa paglalakad at sa ibang diresyon magpunta pero na-realize niya atang kotse niya ’tong nasa likuran ko. I saw him sigh and shake his head.
“Ginagawa mo diyan? Init-init e,” suplado niyang sabi. I lifted the juice I was holding at lalo lang nagsalubong ang kilay niya. His lips twisted as he sneered.
Lihim akong napasimangot do’n. What? Don’t tell me he’s into energy drinks now. He loathed those.
“’Di pa tayo bati,” aniya at kinuha ’yon sa ’kin. I hid my smile when I noticed that he finished that quickly. Bumaba ang tingin niya sa sahig at nakita iyong isang box. I saw him roll his eyes before picking that up.
“Sakay na,” nagsusungit pa rin niyang sabi. At least I didn’t have to commute. Gumagana pa rin naman pala sa kaniya iyong panunuhol ko no’n.
“Gutom ka?” he asked as he pushed a button to roll down his car windows. He placed his gym bag in the backseat. Pagkatapos ay binuksan niya iyong box at kumuha ulit ng juice at straw.
“Kumain kami ng driver niyo ng sandwich kanina,” I told him.
“Cravings? Wala?” he asked as he revved the engine. Pisat na pisat iyong tetrapack na ang bilis niyang naubos ang laman.
My hand unconsciously wandered on my lower belly. Medyo nahahalata na siya at wala namang nagtatanong sa office, except for Crista who asked me on when I would be taking a maternal leave. Nathan didn’t ask, or maybe he was too busy because he was always pressured whenever the December issue is nearing.
“Meron,” I threw him a glance, “Lugaw.”
He scrunched his nose. “Lugaw sa ganitong init? At sa ganitong oras?”
“You shouldn’t have asked if kokontrahin mo lang,” I said and frowned. Bigla ko na lang nalasahan sa isip iyong lugaw sa may kanto ng inuupahan namin ni Cali dati. We used to buy breakfast there everyday when we were still studying. I checked the time at sakto lang naman sa oras ng merienda, sigurado akong mayro’n do’n.
He sighed. “Sige. Lugaw. Ano pa?”
“Can we go to Manang Loi?” I asked, hopeful that he would say yes. Maiintindihan ko naman kung hihindi siya dahil sigurado akong pagod na pagod siya. Yesterday, Raianne told me that after checking on me, plakda na raw si Ryo sa kama. Ginising lang siya noong magdi-dinner na tapos ay tulog na tulog na ulit.
“Okay.” It didn’t even take him three seconds to answer. By the time that we got there, nakaubos na ulit siya ng dalawa pang juice. I should have bought two boxes.
The carinderia wasn’t that packed, thankfully. Kahit na wala akong maipipintas sa kinakain ko sa bahay nina Ryo, hindi ko maiwasang hanap-hanapin ang luto rito. Maybe it’s because Manang Loi’s cooking reminded me so much of Nanay’s. She’s an old woman in her mid-60s, and with her youngest son and her grandchildren’s assistance, they run a carinderia business near our apartment. Sa apat na taon na nagtitipid ako habang nag-aaral, dito talaga ang takbuhan namin ni Cali.
“Frankie!” The side of her eyes wrinkled. She wiped her palms on her floral pink apron, and the coins inside the pockets she sewn herself clinked as she ran towards me to give me a hug. Inagaw ni Ryo ang atensyon niya kaya hindi niya agad napansin na buntis ako.
She hugged Ryo like he’s her only son that she didn’t see for a decade. Natawa si Ryo roon at yumakap naman pabalik. When I first brought him here, Manang Loi gave us a bottle of soft drinks for free. Tuwang-tuwa siyang makita si Ryo, dahil sabi niya, para siyang bumabalik sa pagkadalaga. I don’t even know what that means at ayaw ko nang alamin.
The place looked so small for Ryo. Binili niya ako ng lugaw at sandamakmak na kanin ang kaniya. Pumuwesto kami malapit kina Manang dahil mukhang gustong-gusto niya tingnan si Ryo. I couldn’t blame her for that, though.
“Napanood ata kita kahapon, ah,” Kuya Eseng, Manang Loi’s youngest son who’s around five years older than us, told Ryo. Napatigil si Ryo sa pagkain at tumango.
“Draft na, Kuya, e,” aniya. He gave me a glance. Napasimangot ako ro’n. Hindi ba siya maka-get over na hindi ako nanood? Akala ko okay na?
“E ano? Okay naman?” Kuya Eseng asked.
Ryo chuckled. “Sakto lang,” aniya na nagpasimangot lalo sa ’kin. Hindi ’yon sakto lang, hindi ako naniniwala. As much as he’s cocky most of the time, pagdating sa baketball e tumitiklop siya.
“Pasok ka diyan!” Kuya Eseng boisterously laughed. “E ang laki ng bayad do’n, ’di ba? Edi ikakasal na kayo nitong si Frankie?”
My eyes widened at that. Si Ryo ay nabulunan sa kaniyang kinakain. Nagmamadali akong nagsalin ng tubig sa baso at inabot sa kaniya.
“Ay, bakit?” takang tanong ni Kuya Eseng. “Wala ka bang kumpiyansa? Papasa ka ro’n!”
Nahilot ko na lang ang sentido. Ryo looked like he wanted to run and never come back. “Sana nga po,” awkward niyang sagot.
“Basta, imbitado kami sa kasal!” excited na sabi ni Manang Loi. Ryo cupped his forehead as his ears burned.
“O hihintayin niyo ba munang makapanganak ka, ineng?” dagdag ni Manang. Instead of answering, I just forced a laugh and a smile. I kicked Ryo’s foot under the table and gave him a signal that he should finish his food quickly.
They didn’t know that we broke up. When they kept asking about Ryo a week after not seeing him, dahil lagi na akong mag-isang kumakain kapag wala si Cali, I always remained silent and told them that he’s busy because of the draft. They were aware of our relationship dahil apat na taon din kaming laging nandito ni Ryo. Tuwing mag-aaway nga kami e binbigyan ako ni Manang ng puto alsa o kaya e kutsinta, or whatever Ryo bought for me that he’s too afraid to give personally.
Fortunately, we survived that late lunch. Hindi ako mapakali sa sasakyan buong biyahe dahil sa likod ko. Lately, my morning sickness have toned down, pero pumalit naman ang pagsalida ng sakit ng likod ko.
“Ano? Gusto mo ng unan? Meron sa likod,” Ryo said while driving. Hindi kami nag-iimikan mula nang umalis kami sa carinderia. Hindi na ata n’ya napigilang magsalita dahil nababahala na siya sa likot ko.
“Really? My back hurts.”
He nodded. “Abot mo ba? Nadadaganan ata nung bag ko.”
I looked at the backseat. I reached for the strap of his gym bag until it fell on the floor. Hinagip ko iyong maliit na unan at nilagay sa upuan ko bago sumandal.
Bumalik kami sa katahimikan. Maling-mali talaga na binanggit iyon nina Kuya Eseng. Ni hindi ko iyon binabanggit kay Cali kanina kahit sobrang naiinis na s’ya sa ’kin. Ayaw ko lang talagang ungkatin. Ayaw ko lang maalala.
Ryo told me before that he would marry me after the draft. He was so sure of it. He used to joke around that he would propose in a basketball court, and that I should always be ready. Kaya kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ko magawang manood nang live, kahit na sinadya niyang ipagpaalam pa ’ko sa coach niya.
I couldn’t pinpoint how exactly I felt. Kung matatakot ba ako na bigla siyang mag-propose… o mas natatakot akong hindi niya ’yon gawin. So I did my best to avoid it.
Bitbit niya iyong box ng juice at kinuha ng kasambahay nila ang gym bag niya habang papasok kami sa bahay. I caught a glimpse of Tita and Tito having snacks at the garden.
Tahimik kami kahit sabay na umakyat. He would probably take a shower and sleep. I was already done with the writings assigned to me, so maybe I would also just sleep to kill time and rest my back.
Napatigil ako sa paglalakad nang may maramdaman. I blinked, trying to make sure that I felt something on my lower belly and it wasn’t my imagination. Ryo stopped walking and looked over his shoulders.
“Ano’ng nangyayari sa ’yo?” tanong niya habang nakataas ang isang kilay.
I felt the fluttering, again. It was so faint, as if it weren’t there, but I was very sure that I felt it. My hands carefully tried to find the spot where I would feel it the most, pero sa tingin ko ay mula sa loob ko lang iyon nararamdaman at hindi pa nararamdaman ng palad ko.
“Frankie,” Ryo’s voice grew tight, “ano’ng nangyayari sa ’yo?”
My lips parted when I felt it again. This time, it felt like something’s slowly tumbling inside my womb. I was focused on trying to absorb the feeling but the loud thump on the floor made me snap my gaze at Ryo.
“Mas masakit ba? Ano?” tanong niya habang nakahawak na sa ’king braso. He looked so worried that for a moment, I thought that he was going to cry.
“Ha? Wala… Naramdaman ko lang gumalaw,” I said which made his shoulders relax. Napatingin ako sa box ng juice na nasa sahig, naibagsak niya ata.
“Ayaw mo kasing sumagot agad e,” naiinis niyang sabi at napakamot sa batok. Padabog niyang dinampot iyong box ng juice. Napanguso ako.
“Sorry,” pabulong kong sabi. Nakasimangot niya akong nilingon bago pulutin iyong huling tetrapack na nahulog at ibalik sa loob ng box.
“Frankie.”
Bago ko isara ang pinto ay sinilip ko siyang hindi pa umaalis sa puwesto niya.
“What?”
“Bili tayong damit mo after ng check-up mo?”
Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mata. Is that his subtle way of telling me that he’s finally noticing my weight gain?
“Bakit? Ayaw mo ba?” tanong niya nang hindi ako sumasagot.
“Basta ikaw ang magbabayad,” I answered. He rolled his eyes.
“Maliit na bagay,” mayabang niyang sabi bago ako talikuran.
* * *
We went to the mall after my check-up. He told me not to tell Tita na sa simpleng mall kami pumunta dahil pagagalitan daw siya no’n. I got worried that people would see us together at baka kinabukasan ay madamay na ang pangalan ko sa mga gossip website, but miraculously, no one approached him, except for that guy at the doughnut shop who asked for a photo. Sabi niya ay kapraningan ko lang naman daw ang nagsasabi na para siyang artistang dudumugin.
Bitbit niya ang basket habang naglalakad-lakad kami. I picked up a few house clothes along the way. Nahirapan akong mag-isip ng bibilhing damit pampasok dahil hindi naman ako madalas na mag-bistida. I prefer slacks but I kept on worrying that the waistband would squish my belly.
“Ito, ayaw mo nito?” he asked, stood on his toes, and swiftly got the maroon dress. Halatang-halata ko iyong pagkagulat ng sales lady na may hawak na panungkit. Ryo’s a giant, he didn’t need that.
I stared at the dress he’s holding. Patagal nang patagal ang tingin ko ro’n ay palinaw rin nang palinaw nag imahe nila ni Talie sa isip ko. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin at tinalikuran. I heard him calling my name then the sound of his rushed footsteps followed.
“Bakit? Ayaw mo ng pula? Red looks the best on you,” aniya kaya napatingala ako sa kaniya.
Agad siyang umiwas ng tingin at napakamot sa batok. “Bagay sa ’yo ang pula, sabi ni Cali, ’di ba?” agap niya.
Nairita lang ako lalo nang makitang nilagay niya pala sa basket iyong bistidang kinuha niya. Agad ko iyong kinuha at ibabalik na sana pero hinarangan niya ako.
“Ayaw mo ba? Bakit galit na galit ka diyan?” tanong niya.
I clenched my teeth, hard. Inagaw niya sa ’kin iyong bistidang hawak ko. I crossed my arms and took a deep breath, mentally counting from fifty down to one.
“Bakit ba? Okay naman ’to a,” bubulong-bulong niyang sabi habang naglalakad kami para ibalik ’yon.
“That looks like a rip-off of Talie’s dress no’ng draft mo,” hindi ko napigilang sabihin.
Tumatak na ata sa isip ko iyong picture nilang yon. Ryo wasn’t smiling but neither did he look like he didn’t want the photo. Talie was wearing a fiery red dress with a similar cut and neckline, but probably costs five times more than what Ryo’s holding. Maliwanag na maliwanag at agaw-atensiyon si Talie dahil sa puti ng kutis at buhay na pulang suot niya na kumontra sa backdrop nila na kakulay ng jersey ni Ryo at may print ng sponsor.
He asked the saleslady to put it back. Tinanaw ko iyon habang binabalik. Nangangapa ang tingin sa ’kin ni Ryo nang ibalik niya iyon sa ’kin.
“Pangit pala no’n, tara hanap pa tayo,” bigla niyang kabig kaya napairap na lang ako.
“I hate you,” I mumbled.
“No, you hate the dress,” aniya habang nilalandas ng palad niya ang babang parte ng likod ko. That felt soothing so I let him do that even if he’s annoying. Kanina pa kami lakad nang lakad.
“I hate you and the dress,” I said through gritted teeth. Gusto ko sanang idagdag si Talie pero wala naman atang rason kung bakit kaya hindi ko na ginawa. He frowned.
Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin nang dumampot ulit siya ng kulay pulang bistida. Hindi ko alam kung nananadya ba siya o ano e. It looked different from the dress he picked up earlier so I gave it a shot. The material and the fit felt comfortable, kaya nilagay ko iyon sa basket kahit na may parte sa ’kin na ayaw. Bakit ba puro pula ang dinadampot niya? I’m starting to think that red reminds him of Talie.
He paid for everything. Nagtalo pa kami ngunit hinayaan niya akong bumitbit ng kahit isang paper bag. I was still in a foul mood because of the red dress he bought. Dapat ata ay hindi ko iyon kinuha. I didn’t want to look like I’m trying to be Talie or something.
“Bakit nakasimangot na naman?” he asked while we were heading to the furniture shop. Hindi ko alam kung bakit do’n kami pupunta.
“Because you’re annoying,” sagot ko.
He sighed. “Gawa ba ’to nung damit mo? Ano, ibabalik ba natin?”
Lalo lang akong napasimangot. Ako lang ba o parang pinagmumukha niya akong nag-iinarte dahil sa simpleng bagay?
“Mukha kang iiyak diyan e. Ano? Ibabalik ba natin?” tanong niya ulit. I wish he would learn when to shut up.
“I don’t want to look like Talie,” I mumbled. He let out a long sigh. My teeth pierced my lower lip as I fought the urge to cry and quiver.
“Hindi mo ’yon magiging kamukha,” sabi niya. Hinablot niya iyong nag-iisang paper bag na hawak ko. He grabbed my hand without warning.
“Of course not… because she’s pretty.” My voice broke. I felt his hold on me tightening.
“Frankie naman, diyos ko, ano bang gagawin ko,” he said in frustration. My other hand searched for my handkerchief so I could wipe the tears away.
“Akin na ’yung kamay ko,” I said as I tried to free my hand from his grip.
He clicked his tongue. Instead of letting go, I felt his fingers trying to slide in the spaces in between mine. Nang magawa iyon ay lalo lang niyang hinigpitan ang kapit. He ignored my complaints as I tried to tug my hand away.
“Pumirmi ka nga,” iritable niyang sabi. Siya pa ang may ganang mainis!
“Stop holding my hand!” Exes don’t do this!
“Ayoko,” agad niyang sabi.
“What?!”
“Ayaw ko nga,” his lips twisted, “Nilalamig kamay mo.”
“Shut the fuck up, Ryo,” naiinis ko nang sabi.
“I’ll shut up if you would let me hold this longer,” he said with finality as we stopped in front of a crib.
* * *
“Frankie…”
“Hm?” I asked. I know it’s Ryo. Nanatili akong nakapikit dahil sa antok.
First round pa lang ng pick ay nabanggit na agad ang pangalan niya. The venue was packed, so the moment he was called on stage, I left. Hindi ko kayang magtagal at para akong nahihilo sa dami ng halo-halong amoy at sa siksikan.
I waited for them at home. Ang mahalaga e alam ni Ryo na nando’n ako. His parents were over the moon at pakiramdam ko nga e magpapa-hold bigla si Tita ng kung anong engrandeng event para mag-celebrate. Raianne skipped her last subject just to see her brother get drafted, too.
Nagpuntahan dito ang mga kaibigan nila kanina. Ang daming handa kaninang dinner. I heard from Raianne that Ryo declined his team’s invitation for a drink dahil sobrang saya raw ni Tita kaya mas pinili niyang umuwi. Kahit anong mangyari, Mommy’s boy talaga siya.
Of course, mabilis iyong gumawa ng ingay. Partly because of Ryo being labelled as the team’s lucky charm, their key to achieve a grand slam after years of continuous losses and almost-wins. Bumagay pa iyon sa bansag nila kay Ryo noong college na Lucky Star, dahil sa mga buzzer beater shots niya sa UAAP.
And the other reason is that Ryo’s photo with his future teammates and his new coach made rounds even outside sports outlets. Kanina ko pa nakikita ang pagmumukha niya sa Twitter at kung sa’n-sa’n. Mostly were teens salivating over his million dollar charming smile. I wouldn’t be surprised if he would have an interview tomorrow or the other day. Hahabulin siya ng media panigurado.
“Medyo na-brief na ako sa kontrata kanina. They’re offering two years, pero pumayag din naman silang per cup. I’m thinking of signing for the Philippine Cup, tapos I’d take a break during the Governor’s para mabantayan kita habang buntis ka. Then I’d take the two-years starting this season’s Commissioner’s Cup.”
I shook my head and pressed my face more on my pillows. “Okay lang ako, Ryo. You should grab the two-year contract now.”
“Ayaw…” parang bata niyang sabi. Napatawa ako ro’n. Ang tumatakbo sa isip ko ay magkano iyong kikitain niya. Imagine being the child of his parents… tapos ang taas pa ng kinikita mo. Maswerte talaga ang anak namin dahil walang poproblemahin sa gastusin.
“I made it,” halos bulong niyang sabi na nagpamulat sa ’kin. I saw him crouching on the side of my bed.
“Congrats, Ryo. I’m proud of you,” I said sincerely. I meant it with all my heart.
He stood up. Hindi nakatakas sa inaantok kong paningin ang malawak niyang ngisi. He sighed.
“Makakatulog na rin ako nang mahimbing. Akala ko hindi mo ’ko babatiin e.”
Chapter 07: Massage
#hhfm07 chapter 07: Massage
“Move it a little to the left—ang sabi ko left, Finnigan!”
I tried to hold back my laughter as I watched Ryo’s parents set-up the Christmas tree. Along with two house-helps, they’re trying to put up the huge Christmas decor beside their grand staircase. I wanted to help but Tita Rayi’s already arguing with me when I merely touched the pack of Christmas balls.
It would not be tiresome, but maybe it’s my 18-week big tummy that makes them worry too much. Sabi nga ni Ryo ay hindi naman daw ako masyadong tumataba, but my baby bump looks huge. Kinatatakot niya rin na baka raw kapag lumaki pa ay matanggal iyon sa ’kin at bumagsak sa bigat dahil hindi pa gaanong kalaki ang katawan ko.
Ryo’s been busy since the day he got drafted. For three weeks, he had been beating himself up, practicing all day and goes home so late. Pinagagalitan siya ni Tita dahil halos matulog na nga lang daw ang gawin niya sa bahay. He said it’s difficult to adjust to new teammates, so he had to make extra effort.
Lagi siyang mukhang pagod tuwing uuwi. Whenever he would check up on me, I would always notice the bags under his eyes and the tired slump of his shoulders. I made sure not to bother him whenever my late night cravings would kick in. Sigurado kasi akong bagsak siya sa kama niya at ayaw ko namang makaabala sa tanging oras ng pahinga niya.
I wasn’t sure on whether he took the two-year contract or he settled for a short-term one-cup option. Ngunit base sa pagkakakilala ko sa kaniya, he probably chose the latter even if I didn’t agree to it. Hindi naman ’yun nakikinig.
Sa office, hindi na rin sikreto ang pagbubuntis ko. No matter how big of a coat I would wear, the baby bump kept on showing. As a result, my co-workers have always been extra careful with me, as if hurting my wrists and fingers while I type would affect the baby. S’yempre ay may mga nagtanong din tungkol sa tatay, but I had always answered them with a smile or a shrug. Thankfully, they got the idea that I didn’t want to share it with them so no one bothered to ask me again. The perks of being pregnant is that every Monday, someone would always bring me a bowl of fruits. Hindi ko alam kung pinag-usapan ba ’yon ng mga ka-team ko kung sino ang magdadala every week pero laging meron.
Nathan knows. Hindi ko alam kung pre-occupied lang ba masyado sa December issue namin kaya hindi niya masyadong inuusisa, o sadyang ayaw niya lang ding makialam. Nothing changed, except sa hindi na niya ako inaalok ng kapeng dala niya tuwing umaga. Normal pa rin naman ang pakikitungo niya sa ’kin, though sometimes I would catch him looking at my baby bump but he wouldn’t say anything.
Feeling ko may pakiramdam siyang si Ryo ang ama ng dinadala ko. He’s aware that Ryo’s the only boyfriend I had since college. I appreciated him for not asking, though. Last week, he even brought grapes to my table. Ryo kept on murdering the innocent fruit I was eating with his glares while we were on our way home.
“Alis na kami, My.” I fought the urge to smile when Ryo kissed Tita’s cheek. We’re going to the doctor today. At kahit na halata ko ang antok pa sa mata niya at bahagyang pagngiwi sa sakit ng katawan ay kita ko rin na mas magaan ang pakiramdam niya ngayon. I had thoughts of going to the check-up alone but I figured that he would be mad if I did so I didn’t push through the idea. Mukha ngang tamang desisyon iyon dahil kahit papaano ay nagmukha siyang tao ngayon. Nasasanay na ata ang mata ko na lagi siyang mukhang pagod at wala sa mood. It’s nice to see him on a better mood.
“Pustahan tayo,” aniya habang naglalakad kami papunta sa sasakyan niya. His hands kept on doing little rubs on my lower back, a habit that he formed for the past weeks.
“Wala akong pamusta,” I replied. My dry response earned me a grin from him, which I haven’t seen for three whole weeks.
“Sino kayang kamukha niyan?” he asked and I saw him throw a glance on my bump. He opened the car door for me and didn’t leave the passenger side until I was comfortable on my seat.
“Ayaw mo bang kamukha ko?” tanong ko pagkapasok niya sa sasakyan. The thought automatically made me frown, and maybe I’m extra sensitive because I used to not care about what people would say about how I look.
When we were in college, I was always against the idea of PDA. Walang nagawa si Ryo roon pero s’yempre minsan ay nakakalimot din ako. A few of our schoolmates had seen us together, but Ryo never said anything about it, respecting my decision to keep our relationship private. Hindi naman nakatakas sa ’kin ’yung ibang naghihinala na nagsabing bakit daw ako ang ginirlfriend kung maraming mas maganda. I wanted to fire back and tell them that it was Ryo who asked for my number first, was the one who made the first move, and was the desperate one to have me but I kept it all to myself. I believed that those would only be a waste of my time and energy.
“Magagalit ka na naman e,” aniya at napakamot sa batok. “Wala naman akong sinabing gano’n,” pabulong-bulong niyang dagdag.
I ignored him. The ultrasound wouldn’t show our baby’s face, anyway.
Wala sa ’ming dalawa ang may gusto ng pa-thrill. So the idea of making Dra. Dael give us something pink or blue to reveal the baby’s gender, which they usually do as per patients’ requests, is already off the list. Parehas naming gustong marining nang diretsa iyon. Ryo was thinking to do a gender reveal party for Tita though, because she’s a fan of events.
I haven’t told my parents yet about pregnancy. I have plans to call them anytime this week, since baka hindi ako makauwi sa bahay para sa Pasko at Bagong Taon. A part of me wanted to tell them about my pregnancy via video call, pero kinakabahan kasi ako sa magiging reaksyon nila. They would be both so shocked.
Okay lang sana kung wala silang kayang gawin at hihintayin lang nila akong umuwi ro’n, pero ’yung susugod sila bigla sa bahay nina Ryo… that would be a disaster. They’re aware of our split up, though we never really talked about it because I preferred to bury that thing away. Kung pupunta si Tatay dito na may dalang bolo at ang bibig niya e hindi titigil sa pananakot kay Ryo… hindi ko ma-imagine. Unang meet-the-parents iyon at mukhang magkakagalitan agad.
The ultrasound was pretty quick. The gel felt cold against my belly. Si Ryo, nasa isang gilid at panay ang lakad. Iyong apat na tiles ata ay puno na ng shoe print niya dahil sa hindi mapakaling kakapabalik-balik niya na para bang manganganak na ako. I couldn’t even crane my neck to the monitor dahil nababahala ako sa kilos ni Ryo.
“Do you want to know? Right now na?” The side of Dra. Dael’s eyes crinkled in delight. My eyes widened a fraction as my heart swelled with anticipation. Ryo immediately stopped walking in circles. Agad siyang lumapit sa may tabihan ko. Both of us looked at the monitor, na wala naman kaming naiintindihan bukod sa alam naming anak namin iyong naroon. The small blob of life inside me looked like it’s starting to gain its form.
“It’s a boy!” sambit ng sonographer. Dra. Dael clapped her hands at ako naman ay parang nasa alapaap pa at hindi agad iyon naproseso. When it finally dawned on me that I would be carrying a baby boy who would probably look like Ryo’s mini version, a pang of excitement ran down my spine. I looked at Ryo to see his reaction. Para siyang na-estatwa sa pwesto niya at nanatiling nakapako ang tingin sa monitor. It took him a few more seconds before his muscles started to loosen. Bahagya siyang napasubsob sa may tuktok ng ulo ko at narinig kong napatawa.
The mere sound of his light chuckles made me smile. Siya nga ata ang pinaglilihihan ko. When he lifted his head, I noticed how glassy eyes were. Umalis siya sa kaniyang pwesto saglit at tumingala.
When we got home, sinalubong kami ng walang humpay na pagtatanong ni Raianne kung lalaki o babae raw ba ang magiging pamangkin niya. She then transferred her questions to me dahil panay ang pangde-dedma sa kaniya ng kapatid niya. I wanted to tell her but it seemed like Ryo’s planning something so I didn’t. O baka sadyang gusto lang niyang pagtrip-an si Rai.
“Ano’ng mauuna? Graduation ko or delivery ni Ate?” tanong niya kay Ryo. Ryo snorted before reaching for her nose and pinching it hard. Bahagya akong napangiwi sa lakas ng tinili ng kapatid niya dahil do’n.
“Si Ate Frankie mo, kahit ano’ng mangyari, manganganak ’yan. E ikaw? Ga-graduate ka ba?” tanong niya at malakas na napatawa. Raianne smacked his arm before going back to my side and linking arms with me. Ilang taon na nga ulit ang mga ’to? Raianne’s just a few months younger than me and Ryo’s a year older but they act like kids.
Nang si Tita na ang nagtanong e hindi ko alam gagawin. Kahit ata ayaw kong sabihin ay mapapasabi ako dahil sa takot sa kaniya. Ryo kept on entertaining his mother and helping her with the Christmas decors kaya na-distract si Tita sa pagtatanong. Baka nga wala siyang balak sabihin kahit kanina. Surprise na lang, gano’n.
“Umakyat ka na, wala ka namang gagawin dito e,” Ryo said before handing me a bowl of grapes.
Napapadalas ata ang ubas dito sa bahay. I was starting to think that the reason is Nate and Ryo’s competitive ass just wouldn’t let him pass. “O kung gusto mo, do’n ka sa salas. ’Wag ka ngang pakalat-kalat.”
Hinayaan ko siyang mag-attitude. It’s better than him being silent every day. I wanted to ask him about his upcoming game… pero baka ayaw niyang pag-usapan. Maybe he’s having a hard time adjusting to his basketball career. Okay na rin ’tong kahit papaano ay distracted siya roon. I shouldn’t bring that up.
I went to my room and changed into a house dress. I stacked my pillows on one side of the bed before grabbing my laptop and stretching my legs on the mattress. I thought that the morning sickness was the worst part of this, but I was wrong. I hated the cramps the most.
Nag-text muna ako kay Lui, iyong anak ng kapitbahay namin. He’s 17 and been Tatay’s helper since two years ago. Usually, none of my parents are holding their phones, and they refused to know how social media works no matter how much I teach them. Madalas ay kay Lui ako nagtatanong kung ano ang ginagawa nina Nanay bago ako tumawag.
When Lui replied that Tatay already paused working on a customised dining table set and rushed inside our home, I checked my reflection on the black screen of my laptop before setting it up for the video call. Halata namang nanaba talaga ako, lalo na sigurong mapapansin iyon nina Nanay dahil hindi nila ako nakikita lagi. My fingers grew cold against my keyboard. Mahahalata ba nila masyado? Will Nanay’s maternal instinct work?
My worries were washed away when I saw Tatay’s face up close. The camera shook a bit before they settled it on something stable, probably the dining table. Abala si Nanay sa paghihiwalay ng dahon ng malunggay sa tangkay. Tatay’s sitting beside her.
“Parang ang ganda mo ngayon, ah!” Natawa na lang ako sa sinabi ni Tatay. Walang kupas ang linya niyang ’yon at lagi niyang sinasabi kada magsisimula kami ng tawag.
I asked him about the current furniture he’s working on. Si Nanay ay nanatiling abala at sumusulyap-sulyap lang sa screen paminsan-minsan. Tatay was ranting about the delay of the supplier of paint and varnish when Nanay cut him off.
“Parang nananaba ka, Ceskang,” aniya. I froze. Naisip ko na ring pa’no kaya kung magpanggap na lang akong nag-hang at patayin ang tawag.
“Masarap kumain, Nay,” sabi ko na lang habang patuloy na nag-iisip kung aamin na ba ako o hindi. They need to know, right? But I’m scared. Iniisip ko na lang din na kapag nandiyan na ’yung apo nila, hindi na sila magagalit—at least for Nanay. Si Tatay, mababawasan kahit papaano ang inis niya kay Ryo kasi may distraction.
“Ah, gano’n ba? Bumibilog kasi ang pisngi mo,” komento niya pa. “Kailan ang bakasyon ninyo?”
I clicked my tongue. I wouldn’t be able to go home for the holidays. Una, sobrang layo, baka samain ako. Pangalawa e hindi pa ako handang i-announce ’tong pagbubuntis ko. If I were to go there with Ryo, I’m sure as hell that it would be messy. Kapag naman hindi ko sinama si Ryo, baka lalo lang magalit si Tatay at aakusahan niya ng tinakbuhan ako. Wala akong pagsuotan.
Nagpalambing nuna ako ng beses bago unti-unting sinaling ang topic na hindi ako makakauwi. I promised to wire them money para makapaghanda sila nang marami-rami, tutal ay nakakaipon ako nang maayos dahil wala akong ginagastos. Hindi rin naman sila masyadong magiging malungkot do’n dahil sama-sama kung mag-celebrate ang magkakapitbahay. Tatay understood but was against on the idea of me sending them money. Si Nanay ang bahagya ata iyong dinamdam dahil noong January pa ang huli kong uwi.
Hindi ko ma-imagine kung ano ang magiging rekasyon nila pag-uwi ko. I’m already counting the weeks kung kailan ako pwedeng umuwi. It’s not safe for the newborn to travel, so I would have to wait a few more days before going home. Dapat ba ay sabihin ko muna sa kanila bago ako umuwi? O magkagulatan na lang kami?
The video call ended with Tatay and I’s unfinished argument about the money. Okay naman sila ro’n, but they could live a better life if they would at least let me provide for them. I closed my laptop and put it on my bedside table. Kasabay no’n ang pagkatok sa pinto ngunit tinatamad naman akong bumangon dahil sa ganda na ng pwesto ko sa kama.
“Pasok!” I said.
Ryo came in, holding another huge bowl of mixed fruits. May Christmas garland pang nakasabit sa leeg niya.
“O, kain,” aniya at pinalitan iyong hawak kong mangkok na wala nang laman. “Para kang embudo e.”
I glared at him. Inangat niya ang isang kilay. “Ikaw ’yung nagpapakain nang nagpapakain, inuubos ko lang.”
He snickered and sat on the edge of my bed. He removed the silver garland around his neck and tossed it on the floor. Inipod ko ang paa nang biglaan siyang humiga sa dulonan ng kama ko.
“Get up, Ryo. ’Wag ka d’yan,” sita ko sa kaniya.
“Bakit ba? Nakikihiga lang e,” he said with his eyes glued on the ceiling.
“Baka masilipan mo ’ko. Umalis ka diyan,” mariin kong sabi. I grabbed a pillow from behind me and smacked it on his face, kaya napaupo siya agad.
He gasped, face contorted in irritation yet his ears looked like they’re on fire and his eyes had embarrassment painted all over it. “Hindi ako gano’n!” pagtatanggol niya sa sarili. I rolled my eyes and snatched my pillow back.
“Hey,” I called when he stood up and picked up the garland on the floor. Nilingon niya ako nang salubong na ang kilay.
“Sasama ka ba sa ’kin ’pag umuwi ako sa ’min?” I asked and his forehead creased more. I looked away. Hindi naman ’yon required dahil break na kami pero… basta! Ang gulo! “I mean, my parents have to know that they have an apo. Gusto ko namang makilala agad nila ’yung bata. Hindi naman kita kailangang dalhin do—”
“Sasama ako,” he cut me off. Tumaas ang isa niyang kilay sa ’kin na parang hindi makapaniwala na tinanong ko pa iyon sa kaniya.
“Sasamahan ko kayo,” he shook his head in disbelief, “Kumain ka na nga lang diyan. Ang obvious-obvious ng sagot, tinatanong mo pa,” masungit niyang sabi bago halos padabog na lumabas.
* * *
I felt like melting on the spot. My knees finally gave in and I sat on the side of my bed. Nakatutok pa rin ang tingin ko sa TV at kahit na hindi naman ako naglaro ay parang napagod din ako. I picked up the remote control and turned off the TV. That… was exhausting to watch.
I couldn’t take the words thrown at Ryo. Sigurado akong mamaya pag-uwi niya ay magkukulong ’yon sa kwarto. This is his favourite thing to do in the world, and he takes comments about his few mistakes badly. Dinadamdam niya talaga iyon na minsan kahit ako ay hindi niya makausap.
They won, fortunately, but the gap was only two points. And as someone who works closely at the media industry, paniguradong ang mapapansin nila ay ’yong maliit na agwat na iyon. No, they wouldn’t care that the team still won. What they would write about is how small and disappointing the gap is. The expectations they had for the rookies failed them.
Lalo na kay Ryo na may pangalan na kahit papaano. Goodness. I just hope he would be fine after all those fouls. I know how he looks like when he’s frustrated. I hope he gets used to his new environment ASAP, or else it would burn him out quickly.
I went outside. Pakiramdam ko ay sinasakal ako sa kwarto ko. Watching that game was more stressful than dealing with the pending articles and the cover design for the December issue. I rested my hand on my belly, calming myself down.
Si Tita lamang ang nasa salas at nanonood. I could hear her insulting whoever is reporting about the summary of the game. She believes that the only one who’s allowed to badmouth her son is her.
I sat on their outdoor hanging chair. For sure, mamaya pa uuwi si Ryo, but I still wanted to wait outside. Besides, their lush garden is a better view that the plain walls of my room.
I ended up going back inside because of hunger. One of their house-helps sliced the apples for me kahit na sinabi kong ako na. It’s almost time for dinner but Ryo and Tito were still nowhere to be found.
Plano kong sa labas iyon kainin. Nasa pintuan ako nang mapatigil nang marinig ang tunog ng makina ng sasakyan. I rushed outside and saw Tito get out of the car, carrying a huge gym bag. Napatingkayad ako nang marinig na may nagsara ng pinto sa kabilang banda.
There, I saw Ryo. The disappointed slump of his shoulders is starting to grow familiar to me. Such an eyesore. Hawak-hawak niya sa isang kamay ang lukot na lukot na tetrapack ng juice. His eyes remained on the ground and his lips were tucked in a slight frown.
Bumati muna ako kay Tito bago mabilis na naglakad papunta sa kaniya. He lazily lifted his gaze at me. Saka naman umarangkada ang kaba sa ’kin dahil ano ba ang sasabihin ko?
Bakit ba ako lumapit?
“Gusto mo?” iyon agad ang unang lumabas sa bibig ko. I showed him the bowl of sliced apples. His lips twisted before he stood up properly and grabbed a slice and popped it in his mouth. Sinabayan ko siya sa paglalakad papasok at naramdam ko ang kamay niya sa may likuran ko.
Dapat ko ba siyang i-congratulate? He did his best. Lagi naman. Pero baka kasi mamaya ay ma-offend siya. I don’t know anymore.
“Bakit ka nasa labas? Baka kagatin ka ng kung ano-ano,” aniya.
“I like the view,” was my answer instead of telling him the truth that I wanted to wait for him.
Napahiwalay siya sa akin nang salubungin siya ni Tita. He chuckled lightly before hugging his mom. I didn’t want to ruin their moment so I went to the dining table and helped with the utensils.
They didn’t mention the game during dinner, so I figured that I shouldn’t bring that up. Ryo looked exhausted, at balik na naman siya sa pagiging tahimik. What they talked about is their plans for vacation, and I remained silent with Ryo dahil hindi naman ako parte ng pamilya.
Aakyat na sana ako nang dumating ang tiyuhin ni Ryo. I heard Ryo sigh as he grabbed a can of beer and went out, tapping his uncle’s shoulder on the way. Paakyat ako sa hagdan nang marinig kong tungkol sa laro ata ’yung pag-uusapan nila.
Still, hindi naman ako dapat mangialam kaya nagkulong na ako sa kwarto. I know that my nosiness wouldn’t let me sleep early so I tried to work to keep myself busy. It was half past nine when I heard footsteps outside. Naulinigan ko rin ang boses ni Ryo na pinapagalitan si Raianne dahil sa kung ano. Nagmamadali kong pinatay ang laptop nang marinig ko ang mga katok niya. Agad ko iyong sinara bago siya pagbuksan ng pinto.
“Tulog ka na,” sabi niya. I scrunched my nose when I caught a whiff of beer from him.
“You smell bad,” sabi ko bago umatras dahil baka masuka ako. Kumunot ang noo niya at inamoy-amoy ang sarili.
“Maliligo ulit ako bago matulog,” he clicked his tongue, “Matulog ka na diyan. Sige ka, kukuhanin ko ’yang laptop mo ’pag nahuli kitang nagtatrabaho pa, ha.”
I nodded. Siya na ang nagsara ng pinto. I tucked myself in bed after that pero hindi talaga ako tinatamaan ng antok. I didn’t want to turn on the TV dahil mate-tempt lang ako na makibalita. I didn’t want to touch my phone for the same reason.
Nagulo na nang tuluyan ang sapin ng kama at nakailang palit na ako ng pwesto ngunit ’di talaga ako makatulog. I sighed and got up. A moment later, I found myself searching for my hand cream na hindi ko makita. Kapag hindi ko hinahanap, pakalat-kalat lang ’yon sa desk ko. Now that I need it, it’s nowhere to be found. Ang nakita ko lang ay ang maliit na bote ko ng lotion na dinadala ko sa office.
I grabbed that and got out of my room. I marched towards Ryo’s room, armed with my false confidence and the bickering inside my head. Am I really doing this?
It was too late to think it through because I already knocked twice on his door.
“Sandali,” I heard Ryo say. A few seconds later and he opened the door, one hand on the knob and the other holding the towel he’s using to dry his hair. Agad na nagsalubong ang kilay niya.
“Bakit gising ka pa?” tanong niya. I discreetly inhaled, taking in his scent. Mabuti’t hindi na siya amoy alak.
“Can I come in?” I asked, forcing myself to sport a blank face dahil wala naman dapat akong ikahiya. He’s always going inside my room… nothing’s wrong if I would do the same, right?
“Bakit?” tanong niya at niliitan ang pagkakabukas ng pinto. Napairap ako ro’n.
“Let me in, Ryo,” mariin kong sabi. Lalo lang kumunot ang noo niya at bahagyang nanlaki ang mata nang makita ’yung lotion na hawak ko. He gasped and shook his head. Ako naman ang naguluhan do’n.
“What?” tanong ko.
He pointed at the lotion I’m holding. “Anong gagawin mo sa ’kin, Frankie? Pagod ako, please lang.”
It took me a while to understand him dahil magkaibang-magkaiba talaga kami ng wavelength! Nang matanto iyon ay binato ko sa dibdib niya ang lotion kaya napaatras siya nang kaunti ay napadaing. I took that chance to push the door and let myself inside.
“Ang sakit nu’n!” reklamo niya. He picked up the bottle of lotion before closing the door. Hinihimas-himas niya pa ang parteng tinamaan ng halos paubos nang bote ng lotion. He’s so dramatic.
“Ang dumi-dumi ng isip mo!” sita ko sa kaniya. I sat down on his bed. Kaunti lang ang nilaki ng kwarto niya sa ginagamit ko. It’s clean, siguro’y dahil minsan lang naman siya magtigil sa kwarto niya.
Badtrip na ang mukha niya nang umupo siya sa tabi ko. His television is on and there’s a movie playing. Kinuha ko sa kaniya ang lotion ko.
“Bakit ba kasi?” tanong niya. “Gutom ka? Sabi ko matulog ka na e.”
“Shut up,” I said and squeezed lotion on my palm. Pinanonood niya ako sa ginagawa ko. He grabbed his huge pillow and put it behind me para may malambot akong masadalan, kaya mas madali akong naging kumportable sa posisyon.
I grabbed his hand without saying a word. Papalag pa siya ngunit kinurot ko agad braso niya kaya hindi na siya nagpumiglas. Ang arte-arte.
I scooped the lotion from my palms and put it on his. My thumbs made semicircles on his palm. Sauladong-saulado ko ang bawat sulok at linya ng kamay niya. This reminded me of our lazy weekends. If lucky, we had the apartment to ourselves and he would occupy the huge space of the bed while I sit beside him and massage his hand.
Maya-maya lang ay parang kumalma na siya. He shifted from his position and sat closer to me. My hands seemed so small beside his.
“Ryo,” tawag ko sa kaniya habang hindi inaalis ang tingin sa kaniyang kamay.
“Hm?”
“You did your best. I’m proud,” I told him. Hindi ko siya kailangang litanyahan ng kung ano-ano. I know him. Those words are enough to assure him.
Hindi siya umimik. A few minutes later, I asked him to give me his other hand so I could massage it. Hindi siya kumibo o gumalaw.
“Hey,” I said, putting a little pressure on his hand dahil baka hindi niya namamalayang nandito pa ako. He tends to get sleepy whenever I would massage his hand. “Akin na ’yung right hand mo—”
“Frankie,” he said. I looked up and saw him not peeling his eyes away from the screen. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kamay niyang sinarado niya, iniipit ang mga hinlalaki ko. “Can you and Raiko sleep here?”
Chapter 08: Christmas
hhfm08 chapter 08: Christmas
“Girl, ang OA mo, ha?”
I immediately shot daggers towards Cali’s direction. She rolled her eyes as a response before letting her back fall on the mattress. If strangers were to look at us, it would seem like this is Cali’s place. She’s comfortably lying on my bed while I’m sitting in front of my desk, desperate for a writing assignment.
It’s been almost a week of ignoring Ryo. Kahit isang beses ay hindi ako pumalya. During my check-up, I remained silent and avoided any contact with him, most especially skin-ship. Sa ilang araw na ’yon ay panay rin ang parinig niya sa ’kin. He kept on asking Raianne, “Ano kayang iniinarte ng isang bata d’yan?” which obviously, nilalakasan niya para marinig ko. Hindi ko naman iyon pinapatulan kaya ata lalo siyang naiirita.
Today, I invited Cali. Hindi ko kayang tumagal nang walang nakakasama o nakakausap for how many days straight. Lalo na’t napaaga ata ang holiday break namin, wala na akong distractions.
Whenever Ryo’s not around, I would go out and spend the rest of the day at their garden, pabalik-balik na maglalakad hanggang sa mapagod ang binti ko. I couldn’t do that today because I woke up late and it’s muddy out there. Paulan-ulan kasi, at baka magkasakit pa ako kapag naabutan sa labas.
“Bulag ka na katitingin diyan sa laptop mo, wala kang mapapala,” Cali said. She lazily got out of the bed, dragging my comforter with her, before shutting my laptop screen. I sighed. She arched one of her fully-done brows at me.
“Bakit ba kasi hindi mo kinakausap? E mukhang sa kaniya nga, hindi big deal ’yong niy—”
“Shut up,” I cut her off, covering my ears. Malakas siyang napahalakhak bago pilit na sinusubukang tanggalin ang pagkakatakip ng mga palad ko sa aking tainga.
“Para kang tanga!” natatawa niyang sabi.
Maling idea nga ata iyong ikuwento ko sa kaniya ’yong nangyari. I only told her because she kept on nagging me. Akala ko e matatahimik na ako pagkatapos pero parang lumala pa ata.
Fortunately, Cali decided to shut up when someone brought us food. Nalibang din siya sa panonood kaya nakalimutan na niyang inaasar niya ako kanina.
“Uuwi ka ba ngayong Pasko?” she asked while finishing my cake slice na hindi ko maubos.
“No,” sagot ko. Isa pa ’to sa pinoproblema ko. All their helpers and drivers would be out for the holidays, which meant that solo ko itong bahay.
Okay lang naman sana e, but I got a hint that Ryo’s planning to ditch their usual New York trip and decided to just stay here with me. Mas pipiliin ko na lang na mag-isa dito kahit na napakahirap gumalaw dahil sa takot na may masira ako, kaysa naman sa mahigit dalawang linggo akong maiwan na siya lang ang kasama!
“Totoo? Edi dito ka lang?”
“Yup. Hindi ata puwedeng hindi sila aalis e. Tita also has some work-related stuff to settle abroad,” I answered. Palapit nang palapit ang Pasko ay palala rin nang palala ang kaba ko. I could most probably handle myself. Gusto ko mang kausapin si Ryo na puwede naman siyang sumama kina Tita ay hindi ko magawa kasi hindi ko siya pinapansin.
I shrugged. “Maiiwan ata si Ryo dito. I don’t know what to do to convince him na sumama na lang.”
Her eyes widened and I was already too familiar with that meaningful grin of hers. Umiling na lang ako sa kung ano-anong naiisip niya. Aware naman siyang break na kami ni Ryo, ilang buwan na nga ang nakalipas, pero ganiyan pa rin siyang mag-isip. Para siyang nai-stuck sa mga panahong inaasar-asar niya kaming dalawa ni Ryo no’ng college.
She chuckled, probably finding the weary look on my face funny. “Bakit feeling ko hindi ka pa nanganganak pero masusundan na agad ’yan?”
“Cali!” saway ko sa kaniya. Naungusan ng lakas ng tawa niya ang nagsasalita sa TV.
I gathered my hair and quickly put it on a bun, suddenly feeling the burn on my neck and on my cheeks. Mapapaanak ata ako nang wala sa oras sa mga sinasabi niya. Mabuti na lang talaga na hindi ko kinuwento sa kaniya iyong biglaan, out of nowhere, at nakakakilabot na minsanang pagnanasa ko kay Ryo. Kung hindi, malalang pang-aasar na naman ang inabot ko sa kaniya.
“Nalilimutan mo atang ex ko na ’yung tao,” I reminded her.
She lightly slapped my arm. “Ito naman! Inaasar lang kita! Kaya ka siguro favorite asarin ni Ryo kasi patola ka!”
I pursed my lips. Hindi naman ako masyadong naiinis dahil napupurga na ako sa pang-aasar niya. Mas nangingibabaw nga ang hiya.
Cali had to leave early because her aunt asked her to buy something at the supermarket. Gusto ko ngang sumama dahil, aaminin ko na, desperada na akong maging busy. Kapag wala kasi akong ginagawa, pumapasok sa isip ko si Ryo at hindi na ako natutuwa. I tried watching movies, reading, doing light exercises but he always somehow manages to get inside my head. Wala sa bahay ni anino niya pero nagagawa niya pa rin akong buwisitin.
My eyes were burning a hole on my wall while picturing a standing Ryo at that location. Magpabili kaya ako ng darts? Kahit ’yong plastik na laruan lang. Magpapa-print na rin ako ng mukha niya. I feel like the only solution to this endless cycle of thinking of him and getting annoyed is to have a way to let this all out.
“Kakain na.” Agad na lumipat ang masama kong tingin sa pintuan. Napapikit na lang ako nang mariin nang makita si Ryo roon. Nang magmulat ay pansin ko ang pagkakagusot ng mukha niya na parang nagsisimula na naman siyang mainis sa trato ko sa kaniya.
“Ano bang ine-emote mo, Frankie?” he sighed. “Sinabi ko lang na kakain na, nakasimangot ka naman diyan.”
“You should have knocked,” mariin kong sabi.
Tumayo na ako para damputin iyong slides na nasa likuran ng pinto pero inunahan niya ako. Lumapit siya at nilapag iyon sa tapat ko. Kung puwede lang ay ibabalik ko iyon sa pinagkuhanan niya, babalik ako puwesto ko, tapos kukuhanin ko ulit bago ko isuot. Nga lang e medyo mahirap iyon para sa ’kin, at kaysa magpaka-petty at mahirapan ay sinuot ko na lang.
“Ano? Lalabas ba ako ulit tapos kakatok?” He arched a brow.
I changed my mind. Parang gusto ko na lang siyang hampasin ng tsinelas ko. Ka-stress!
“Whatever.” I tried to walk past him but he blocked my way. I sighed and placed a palm over my belly. Hindi pa ba siya masaya na kinausap ko na siya at successful siya sa pang-iirita sa ’kin? What more does he want from me?
“Bakit ba? Ano ba ’yon?” tanong niya. “Labo mo e. Ang bait-bait ko na nga sa ’yo tapos—”
“Wow!” Sarkastiko akong natawa. Anong mabait? Nakakabuwisit, pwede pa! “I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Tumabi ka nga diyan.”
He scoffed yet he made way for me. “Gawa pa rin ba ’to nung yakap—”
Nagpantig ang tainga ko kaagad nang marinig iyon. I turned so quickly to face him that I might have felt a little dizzy. Malakas siyang napahiyaw nang paulit-ulit ko siyang kurutin sa braso.
“Aray! Ang sakit naman e!” daing niya ngunit hindi pa ako tapos. Kada tatakluban niya ng isa niyang kanay ang makukurot ko ay lilipat ako sa kabila. That’s what he gets for being so annoying!
“Shut. Up,” I said in a warning tone after getting tired of chasing after him and pinching his arm.
His frown deepened, similar to that of a kid whose candy just got stolen, as he rubbed the spots in his arm. Sinipat niya iyon at nanghaba ang nguso nang makita ang bahagyang pamumula. Napakaarte.
“Ewan ko sa ’yo!” sabi niya at nilagpasan ako. “Bakit ba affected ka? E ako nga na niyakap, hindi naman?!”
“Exes don’t do that!” I argued. Sure, I was sleeping, but that didn’t stop me from feeling embarrassed. Ryo acting like a big boy, maintaining his cool and all that shit, heightened the feeling of embarrassment.
Pakiramdam ko nga e ang yabang-yabang ng ngiti niya sa ’kin no’ng araw na ’yon. It wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t agree to sleep in his room! Pumayag lang naman ako dahil feeling ko e hindi siya okay. Ang mas nakakahiya pa ro’n ay ako pa ang naglagay ng unan sa pagitan naming dalawa pero ako rin pala ang mag-aalis no’n.
“E ano naman?!” He rolled his eyes before holding the door knob. “Para kang others e!” he added before leaving first. Agad akong sumunod ngunit hindi ko siya sinabayan sa paglalakad kahit naabutan ko naman siya.
He looked over his shoulders. My whole face felt like it’s on fire. I’m sure that my cheeks are bleeding red because of the intense embarrassment and annoyance. Hindi ko siya pinansin kahit na pakiramdam ko’y hinintay niya akong maunahan siya sa hagdan. I felt him trailing behind me. I immediately swatted his hand away when he tried to hold my arm.
“Baka madapa ka,” mariin niyang sabi, halatang nagtitimpi rin ng iritasyon. Pa’no kami tatagal nang kaming dalawa lang kung ganito kami lagi?
“Buntis ako, Ryo. Hindi ako tanga,” inis kong sabi. I heard him sigh from behind me as I carefully, and slowly, went down the stairs. Marunong naman akong mag-ingat sa sarili ko. I’m just 21 weeks pregnant. Mabigat man minsan sa pakiramdam e kita ko pa naman kahit papaano ang paa at ang inaapakan ko.
Natunugan ko nang malapit na silang umalis dahil isang driver at dalawang kasambahay na lang nila ang kasabay naming kumain. They never brought the topic up, and I was too shy to ask dahil baka isipin naman nilang excited akong umalis sila sa bahay at masolo ko ’tong lugar. The reason why I wanted to ask is because I need to know if maiiwan ba talaga si Ryo rito.
My question was left unanswered. The next morning, I woke up a bit earlier than usual. I took a shower before deciding to take a walk outside because the weather seemed fine.
I was already used to the silence of the house, but when I noticed that I wasn’t seeing any of their helpers downstairs, doon na ako kinabahan. I tied my hair up as I walked around the house, searching for anyone. Nang makarinig ng makina ng sasakyan sa labas ay nagmamadali akong dumiretso ro’n.
Agad akong napasimangot nang makitang si Ryo lang iyon. Naningkit lalo ang singkitin na niyang mata dahil sa liwanag ng araw na tumatama sa mukha niya. Dire-diretso lang ang lakad niya at inabot sa ’kin ang plastic bag na hawak niya bago pumasok sa loob.
“Asan sila?” I asked which made him stop walking. Pumihit siya para harapin ako.
“Umalis na. Hinatid ko sa airport kanina. ’Di nakapagpaalam sa ’yo kasi tulog na tulog ka.”
“What?!” Bahagya siyang napapikit sa lakas ng boses ko. “Bakit nandito ka pa?”
“Hindi ba obvious?” he scoffed, “Tingin mo ba iiwan kitang mag-isa rito?” He took a step forward and snatched the plastic out of my hold. “Akin na nga ’yan, ’di mo man lang tiningnan kung ano’ng laman.”
I followed him to the kitchen and tried to snatch it back but he wouldn’t let me. Sa height pa lang at laki ng katawan ay talo na ako kaya kahit anong pilit ko ay hindi ko ’yon maagaw sa kaniya.
“Ayaw mong tingnan kanina, ’di ba? ’Wag mo na tingnan!” sabi niya na parang bata. I massaged my temples. Agang-aga ganito kami! And it’s just the first day!
“Akin na kasi!” I shouted and tried to grab it from him. He lifted it over his head while getting plates. He’s doing it so effortlessly, perks of being a six footer.
Nahampas ko siya sa braso. “Ang arte mo!”
He rolled his eyes. “Nye, nye, nye, bahala ka diyan.” Parang bata talaga!
I was starting to feel tired so I gave up. I ended up sitting on the kitchen stool and waited for him to finish whatever he’s doing. Pinipilit kong silipin kung ano ’yong nilalabas niya mula sa plastik pero pilit niyang hinaharang ang likod niya. He even looked over his shoulders and showed me his frown before continuing what he’s doing.
Maya-maya lamang ay humarap na rin siya. He then put a bowl of lugaw in front of me. Pagkatapos ay tinambak niya iyong ilang balot ng puto alsa at kutsinta sa harapan ko. Humagilap siya ng isa pang upuan at itinabi sa akin. Spaghetti ang nasa kaniyang mangkok. He got the two of us utensils before sitting beside me. Pagkain lang naman pala ang laman, akala ko kung ano.
“Dinayo ko pa ’yan tapos ’di mo man lang sinilip, sinungitan mo na naman ako,” bubulong-bulong niyang sabi.
Napangibit ako. I pushed the bowl of lugaw towards him kahit takam na takam na akong kainin. Napaangat ang tingin niya sa akin. “Isusumbat mo ba? Ikaw na kumain,” I said and was about to get off my seat but he reached for the fabric of my clothes. I swatted his hand away. Masisira ang damit ko sa kaniya e!
“Kumain ka na. ’Di ko naman sinusumbat e. Bawal ba akong mag-emote? Ikaw lang may karapatan?” He slid the bowl back to its former position. I only sat back down for the food. We remained silent as we ate our breakfast.
Nauna siyang natapos. He got up and put his bowl on the sink. I watched him as he got two mugs and placed them over the counter. Umiwas ako ng tingin nang bigla siyang lumingon sa direksyon ko.
Nilapag niya ang tasa sa tapat ko. Bumalik siya sa pagkakaupo sa tabihan ko at kumuha ng isang balot ng puto. I finished my food quickly so I could drink my milk and go out.
“Akin na ’yan,” aniya pagkatapos kong kumain. He grabbed the bowl from me and stood up. Nang matapos ako sa iniinom ay kinuha niya rin iyong tasa at hinugasan.
“Sa labas lang ako,” paalam ko. Tumango lamang siya. I spent the rest of the morning walking around their garden and thinking on how I would survive the next weeks. I could help with the house chores, but for sure he wouldn’t let me. Their house already felt big even with his family and their helpers, pa’no pa kaya na kaming dalawa lang? We’re not exactly friends, too.
Pagpasok ko sa loob ay naabutan ko siyang umiidlip sa couch. He must be tired. Maaga siguro niyang hinatid sina Tita, tapos ay dumayo pa siya kina Manang Loi kaya nasagad siya sa pagod.
I tiptoed my way to my room. Kinuha ko ang laptop ko at maingat ulit na bumaba, trying me best to not make any noises, not exactly because I’m a decent person, but because I don’t want Ryo to give me an earful if I would wake him up.
I occupied the free couch. Patay ang TV at sobrang tahimik. All I could hear was the careful tapping of my fingers on the keyboard and his light snoring. I glanced at him when he stirred. Puwede naman kasi siyang sa kuwarto niya matulog. Ang laki-laki niya kaya para pagkasyahin ’yung sarili niya sa couch, ipipilit pa.
I closed my laptop and put it on the table. I stood up and went to his side, lightly tapping his arm to wake him up. He’s facing the backrest of the couch and I feel like any minute now, mahuhulog siya! Bahagyang nagmulat ang kaniyang mata ngunit mabilis ding bumalik sa pagkakapikit. Tulog na tulog ata talaga.
“Orion,” mahina kong tawag at tinapik siya sa pisngi. I stopped when I felt him moving. He switched positions again and I got to see a clearer view of his face. I tapped his cheeks again and he made some incoherent sounds. Hinagip niya ang kamay ko at inipit iyon sa pagitan ng kaniyang pisngi at kamay niya.
Kumunot ang noo ko. “Hoy, tulog ka pa ba?” I asked, dahil baka pinagti-trip-an lang ako nito. He didn’t respond. His grip on me was weak so I easily slipped my hand out of his hold. Napailing na lang ako.
I don’t think we should be beside each other when one or both of us is sleeping. Sobrang maling idea. Still, I picked up my laptop and two throw pillows and sat on the floor. Iyong isa ay nilagay ko sa aking likuran at ang isa ay sa ibabaw ang aking hita para mapagpatungan ng laptop. Umisod ako nang mas malapit pa sa couch para masiguro kong hindi mahuhulog si Ryo sa sahig.
While I was trying to scour the internet for people looking for writers and other job openings out of boredom, I couldn’t help but look at him for like, every 30 seconds. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay kahit nakapikit siya ay nakatingin siya sa akin. I shook my head to myself and continued what I was doing.
A few minutes later and I put down my laptop on the floor and stretched my legs for a bit. Hindi sinasadyang napatingin ako sa kaniya. Kumunot ang noo ko dahil hindi ko alam kung namamalikmata lang ba ako o naabutan ko siyang nakamulat.
* * *
Ryo has a game this Wednesday so he’s not here. He left a little while ago, but not without bombarding me with reminders. Kulang na lang e mag-print siya ng listahan ng emergency hotlines at ipaskil sa bawat pader ng bahay. I told him that I still have him on speed dial. Halos ipagtulakan ko na siya sa sasakyan niya kanina.
It hasn’t been an hour since he left but he already called me thrice. Gusto kong patayin ang phone ko pero lalo lang siyang mapapraning at baka umuwi bigla kaya hindi ko ginawa. I decided to call my parents to check on them. They couldn’t do video call since they’re shopping for Christmas.
Kinulit ako ni Tatay kung hindi ba talaga magbabago ang isip ko sa pag-uwi. As much as I wanted to go home, I didn’t want to travel for hours. Isa pa, kung last minute decision, malamang sa malamang e kailangan kong isama si Ryo. Hindi pa ako prepared. I don’t think I would ever be ready.
Wala man si Ryo ay kaya ko namang pakainin ang sarili ko. Their fridge is full, siguro dahil maiiwan kami rito. Ngayon na lang ulit ako makakapagluto. Sana hayaan ako ni Ryo dahil ito na lang ang tanging puwede kong gawin para maiwasan ang pagkabagot.
I was in the middle of chopping the vegetables for pinakbet when my phone rang. Napailing na lang ako ngunit sinagot pa rin dahil si Ryo iyon. Bumaha agad siya ng tanong kung bakit ’di ako sumasagot kanina.
“I’m alive, Ryo. ’Wag kang OA,” I told him. Busy talaga ang linya ko kanina dahil kausap ko sina Tatay. “Don’t bother me for the next four hours o aalis talaga ako at uuwi nang ’di nagsasabi,” sabi ko para matakot siya kahit papaano. Hindi naman ’yon totoo. Kung uuwi man ako, paniguradong susunod ’yon. Besides, I don’t feel like leaving him here for the Christmas and New Year. Being alone in such a huge house would make him feel empty.
Pagkatapos kong magluto at kumain ay wala na ulit akong magawa. I went back to the living room and turned on the TV before going back to my job hunting. Wala pa naman sa isip ko na mag-resign. I’m just curious if there are other posts I would be more interested on working in. Kung mayro’n, edi bahala na kung ano’ng sunod kong gagawin.
Ryo went home earlier than usual. I could already picture him using me as an excuse to go home early. Hinihila na lang niya ang gym bag niya, siguro dahil sa pagod. I went to him and wanted to pick it up and carry it for him pero iniwas niya agad.
“Mabigat ’to. Do’n ka nga,” aniya bago buhatin nang ayos iyong bag niya. I frowned. Nilapag niya lang iyon sa salas bago nagtungo sa kusina.
“Ano’ng gusto mong kainin?” he asked, face aglow with the light from the fridge. For a moment there, I got too caught up on his face. And maybe I stared longer than usual, long enough for him to feel weird. I only zoned back in when he called my name.
“Nagluto ako,” I answered and quickly turned on my heels to get us plates, and partly because of shame that he caught me staring. Mayabang pa naman ’to. Baka mag-feeling pa siya.
“Ha? Edi napagod ka? Akin na nga ’yan at umupo ka na nga do’n,” aniya at inagaw sa ’kin ang plato. Sumunod na lang ako dahil wala ba akong tiwala sa sarili ko tuwing malapit siya. He sat across me before lifting the food cover.
I glanced at him while we’re eating. Maybe a part of me is curious on what he thinks dahil ngayon na lang ulit ako nagluto. The pinakbet and fried galunggong are nowhere near fancy, but this is the first time in how many months that I cooked for him. Normal lang naman sigurong mag-expect ng reaksiyon.
“Gusto mo pa ba? Nakatingin ka e,” aniya. I quickly shook my head and went back to eating. I failed to argue my way with him regarding on who’s going to wash the dishes. Sa huli ay umakyat na lang ako sa kuwarto.
He checked on me before bedtime and left shortly. Ganoon naman dapat. He’d stay in his room and I’d stay here. I mentally slapped my cheeks hard, hoping that he wouldn’t visit me in dreams.
* * *
Nanay’s call woke me up the day before Christmas. I spent the next hour talking to them through video call kahit na hindi pa ako nakakapaghilamos. Like the usual scene, they’re setting up tables at the backyard. Those tables would most probably stay there until New Year.
Pinagpasa-pasahan nina Nanay ang phone. She’s busy preparing food with Louie’s mother and the wife of one of Tatay’s workers. Maaga pa lamang ay buhay na buhay na sila. I somehow felt the longing for home, pero okay lang din naman sa ’kin na wala ako ro’n. Wala na rin naman akong nagagawa.
Nakaligo lang ako pagkatapos ng tawag. Instead of wearing my usual floral house dresses, I picked up the loose, plain red dress I used to wear for work. Because of its fit, kasya pa naman siya sa ’kin. Nga lang, halatang-halata ang umbok sa tiyan ko.
Pasko naman e, sabi ko sa sarili habang nag-aayos. It’s nothing grand. Nag-blow dry lang naman ako ng buhok at maayos iyong inipit. I just did my brows and put on some lipstick.
Pagbaba ko ay may narinig akong boses. Malakas iyong pagkanta ni Ryo mula sa kusina. I never told him, not even once did I praise his singing voice, but I like hearing him sing. Noong una ko nga siyang marinig na kumanta ay lihim lang akong napatanga sa kaniya. I didn’t expect him to sound good because of all the annoying bull that comes out of his mouth.
Hindi naman pang-singer ang boses niya. But he makes a better singer than me so I would give him points for that.
“Good morning!” bati niya sa akin, a bit too cheery than the usual. Malapad ang ngiti niya sa akin at sgalit na dumaan ang awkward silence dahil hindi ko alam kung pa’no tutugon. His grin eventually faded.
“Uhm, anong niluluto mo?” I asked instead of greeting him back. Bumagsak ang balikat niya at tumikhim.
“Good morning,” bati niya, his happiness a bit toned down now. “Pata tim,” he answered.
“Can I help? Do you want me to make leche flan?” I asked. Kumpleto naman sila sa gamit kaya sure akong may electric mixer sila.
“Mamaya na lang. Upo ka muna sa salas, masasanghap mo ’yung hunab ng init e,” aniya.
“Oh? Okay.” I complied because I could feel the awkwardness starting to grow worse. Nabigla lang naman ako na sobrang saya niya kaya hindi ako nakasagot.
Napatigil ako sa tapat ng Christmas tree nang mapansin ang mga box sa ilalim na wala naman doon kahapon. I carefully knelt and sat on my heels and picked them up. Tinablan ako ng hiya nang makita ang mga regalo nina Tita, Tito at Raianne. I didn’t get them anything!
I picked up the boxes and went back to the kitchen. Napalingon sa ’kin si Ryo.
“May isang linggo na ’yan sa kuwarto ko. Hindi ko nilalabas kasi alam kong mape-pressure kang bilhan din sila ng regalo,” he explained.
Kahit na ganoon ay na-guilty pa rin ako. Wala akong maisip na ireregalo sa parents niya. Kay Raianne, I could think of a few things that I could also afford.
“Hindi na kita binili ng regalo para hindi ka maobligang bigyan ako pabalik,” he added. “Buksan mo na ’yan kung gusto mo.”
I didn’t open the gifts, yet. Ibinalik ko muna sila sa ilalim ng Christmas tree. Ryo made me a sandwich and gave me a bowl of fruits for brunch habang hindi pa siya tapos magluto. He didn’t let me touch anything to help him.
I realized just now that this would be our first Christmas together. Lagi silang wala kaya never kaming nagkasama tuwing holidays. Kung kailan pa kami nag-break, saka kami nagkaro’n ng oras na solo namin.
He went to his room to take a shower after cooking. Nang bumaba siya ay nakasalang na sa mixer ang itlog at gatas. His hair’s still damp and it’s making a few spots on his dark red polo.
“Hands off, Orion,” saway ko sa kaniya nang mapansing may balak siyang dutdutin iyong nakasalang sa mixer. He frowned and stood up. Kinuha niya ’yung steamer at nilapag sa counter.
Kahit anong pilit ko sa kaniyang do’n na siya sa salas ay hindi siya nakinig. I let him watch me make a few llaneras of leche flan. Nang hindi siya mapakali ay nagluto siya ng shanghai.
Both of us were tired after cooking and cleaning up. We ate the leftover pinakbet and fish at the living room.
“It’s okay, we can watch,” sabi ko sa kaniya dahil mukhang may balak siyang ilipat ’yung TV dahil sumulpot iyong mukha ni Talie sa screen. Thank god she’s wearing blue and not red.
Humupa na rin kahit papaano ang inis ko sa kaniya. Maybe it’s because she hasn’t posted anything that might be involving Ryo. And yes, I might have been stalking her online. Bored ako.
Kada lalabas si Talie sa screen ay umiiwas siya ng tingin. I wanted to laugh but I kept it to myself.
Around a few minutes past nine, when Ryo’s done watching the replay, I decided to open the gifts in front of him. Tito and Raianne gave me baby stuff. Kulay purple iyong mga binili nila at sabi ni Ryo ay hindi niya pa raw sinasabi na lalaki ang dinadala ko. My eyes widened and my jaw almost dropped on the floor when I opened Tita’s gift. Natawa si Ryo habang ako ay natahimik na lang. My laptop’s fine! She didn’t need to spend so much for a Christmas gift!
“Pasalamat ka nga laptop lang e. Alam ni Mommy na ’di ka mahilig sa burliloy kaya siguro ’yan ang binili. Cheap pa ’yan para sa kaniya, maniwala ka sa ’kin,” aniya habang dinadampot ang mga pambalot.
I’m sure Tita wouldn’t let me give this back to her. Umakyat muna ako sa kuwarto para itabi ang mga ’yon. Nang makababa ay naabutan ko si Ryo sa dining table. Lalo ko lang napansin ang haba ng mesa nila ngayong dalawa lang kami ni Ryo na narito.
“Kain na tayo,” aniya. I was expecting him to sit across me pero sa tabi ko siya umupo. He told that he’d wash the dishes later. Hindi ko alam kung bakit niya pinlastik iyong natirang shanghai (ang dami niya kasing niluto na parang buong barangay ang pakakainin niya). Turns out we’re going out to watch the fireworks display at their subdivision’s Christmas tree.
Hindi na niya ako pinababa ng sasakyan. He left the car door open and I adjusted my position. Lumabas siya at sa may tabihan ko pumwesto, nakatayo.
“Merry Christmas,” I whispered. I glanced at him and his eyes were still fixed on the fireworks display. The sound of the fireworks and noise of the people were too loud for him to hear me, but I didn’t want to repeat it.
Iniwas ko ang tingin sa kaniya. I looked up and watched the colors and sparks fly and fade so quickly while munching on the shanghai that we brought.
“Merry Christmas din,” he said which made me look at him. Nanatili ang tingin niya sa langit.
We went home because it’s already late and he wanted me to sleep. Bitbit ko pa rin iyong niluto niyang shanghai sa kwarto dahil hindi pa ako makaramdam ng antok. I took a quick warm shower and changed into my matching pajamas. Careful and a little scared, I turned on the laptop Tita gave me while calling my parents.
Hindi ko pinahaba ang tawag dahil alam kong busy sila ro’n sa dami ng tao. I was halfway through trying to set-up the new laptop and familiarising myself with it when I heard Ryo knocking. Pumasok din naman siya at hindi na hinintay ang pagpayag ko.
I set the laptop aside. Like me, he’s already on different clothes and probably took a shower too because he smelled fresh. Walang imik siyang tumabi siya sa akin at pinasa ang leche flan na bawas na.
He turned on the TV. Hinagip niya ang plastik ng shanghai at maya-maya lang ay napansin kong nagiging kumportable na siya sa puwesto niya at nakahiga na.
I reminded myself not to let him sleep here. Hearing what Cali said this morning, or yesterday, made my cheeks burn. I almost spat the leche flan because of the thought.
Siya na ang nakaubos ng shanghai. Ubos ko na rin ang kalahating llanera ng leche flan ngunit hindi pa rin siya umaalis.
“Ryo,” agad kong sabi nang ipulupot niya ang braso sa aking bewang habang nakahiga siya. Every fibre of being was suddenly alert. “What are you doing?”
Nanatili siyang tahimik at nakatingin sa TV. I tried to remove his arms but he wouldn’t budge. My heart felt like it’s going to rip a whole on my chest because of its wild beating. “Stop hugging me,” mas mariin kong sabi.
He snorted and even pressed his head on the side of my belly, pulling me a little closer that my chest started to ache because of too many reasons. “I’m not hugging you. I’m hugging Raiko.”
Chapter 09: Kiss
hhfm09 chapter 09: Kiss
“Wear a shirt, Ryo.”
I immediately turned my back on him and proceeded to the sink. My hair’s still damp because I got out of bath just a few minutes ago, kaya hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ako napadiretso sa lababo para maghilamos. Para kasing tanga. It’s still early in the morning and he hasn’t done his morning exercise so what’s the point of going shirtless? Ang lamig-lamig!
If he wanted to flaunt the ripples on his back and the tightness of his abdomen, this is not the place for that. I wasn’t interested. I’m not his fangirl. He should go out and show it to those who would be down on their knees at mere sight of him. ’Wag dito. Nasisira umaga ko.
Pagkaharap ko ay hindi pa rin siya nakabihis ngunit nakasampay na sa balikat niya ang itim na sando. Like the usual, he’s sporting his frown while preparing breakfast. I had to remind myself that I only have to endure a few more days alone with him and this would all be over.
I sat down and he slid the mug of milk in front of me. As much as I wanted to dig in, may manners pa rin naman ako dahil siya ang naghanda ng almusal. I don’t know how he manages to wake up so early to prepare breakfast gayong parang late na lagi siyang natutulog—kung ano o sino ang dahilan, wala na akong pakialam.
I picked up a spoon and helped myself with the salted egg. He’s still preparing his coffee at hindi pa rin siya nakabihis. I had to roll my eyes when he glanced my way. He might get the wrong idea that I was checking him out—na hindi mangyayari kahit kailan.
Kahit na gano’n ay hindi ko magawang mairita nang sobra sa kaniya. I felt like he’s taking advantage of my pregnancy by pacifying me with food. For now, he prepared fried rice, vegetable mix, salted egg, and a few fried meat strips. I wouldn’t admit it to him but I’m always looking forward for breakfast dahil iba-iba ang niluluto niya. Baka kasi matuwa siya masyado kaya hindi ko babanggitin.
“Wear a shirt,” utos ko nang umupo siya sa tapat. His lips twisted and he returned the eye-roll I gave him earlier. Papasukin ng lamig ang katawan niya sa ginagawa niya.
“Nangingialam ka?” iritable niyang sabi habang sumasandok ng kanin at nilalagay sa plato ko. “Maghubad ka rin kung gusto mo.”
My brows immediately met like magnets of opposite poles when I heard that. Napatigil siya sa pagsandok nang hampsin ko ang kamay niya at agawin sa kaniya iyon para sandukan ang sarili. My face started to feel warm, kung dahil ba sa galit o sa hiya ay hindi ko rin sigurado. Kung ano-ano ba naman kasing lumalabas sa bibig niya!
“Dream on, Orion. Why would I get naked while you’re watching?” Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay.
Matinding lumukot ang mukha niya na parang diring-diri at gusto kong ma-offend. As if naman hindi niya sinamba ang katawan ko sa apat na taon! What, he thinks I look gross now because of my stretch marks? Or is it because of the bump? E anak niya naman laman nito!
He gasped and shook his head. “Arte mo kasi,” rinig kong sabi niya bago sinuot ang sando.
It thought I could focus on eating because the distraction was already covered with clothes but I was wrong. The lump on my throat made it hard to swallow food. For some reason, hindi matigil iyong mga tanong sa isip ko.
Ryo used to shower me with compliments. I know it stopped because we broke up, pero hindi ko mapigilang isipin na kung hindi na ba ako maganda para sa kaniya kasi nagbago na ang hitsura’t katawan ko. Sometimes my feet look like they’re swollen, and I’m always on my slides here at home kaya lagi niyang nakikita. Does the sight scare him? My arms are slowly leaning on the thicker side now. Does he find it ugly?
“Ano’ng nangyayari sa ’yo?” Ryo’s voice made me snap my head back at him. Binaba ko ulit ang tingin sa pagkain dahil parang lalo lang sumasama ang loob ko.
It shouldn’t be a big deal. So what if he doesn’t find me pretty now? The changes on my body are normal. If he doesn’t like it, why should it matter? Why should I care so much? Edi ayawan niya ako! Ayaw ko rin naman sa kaniya.
“Hindi ba masarap?” he asked. I was not sure if the question was for me or for himself.
Kung kanina’y parang naglalaway ako sa almusal, ngayon e nawalan na ako tuluyan ng gana. My chest started to feel tight and I know that any minute now, my tears would burst. Lalo akong tumungo para hindi niya makita.
I hate him. He’s so ugly.
“Frankie,” mas maamo niyang tawag ngayon. “May masakit ba sa ’yo?”
That seemed to have pushed the button because the tears suddenly came out. I slid back my chair and quickly went to the sink to wash my face. Narinig ko ang agad niyang pagsunod at lalo lang ako nanginig kaiiyak nang maramdamn ang kamay niya sa likuran ko. Ang plastik-plastik niya!
“Ano’ng nangyayari sa ’yo? Sa’n masakit?” tanong niya na parang alalang-alala. Gusto ko nang busalan ang bibig niya dahil parang tuwing maririnig ko ang boses niya e lalo lang akong naiiyak. He’s such a fake. He doesn’t care about me, anymore. He only cares because of Raiko and nothing else.
It should be the same way for me. Wala naman akong pakialam kung alagaan niya ako o ano. I just wanted his money and the comfort of his lifestyle for our child. Fuck my hormones for making me so sentimental.
“Tumabi ka nga!” I croaked as I shoved his arm away. Confusion mixed with worry painted his face. Nakinita ko nang may balak siyang hagipin ako kaya lumayo ako agad.
“Ano ba’ng problema, Frankie?” mas mariin niyang tanong. What now? He’s losing his patience? Edi sana sumama siya kina Tita! That way he didn’t have to deal with me! Siya naman ’tong nagpumilit na magpaiwan dito tapos ano, mapapagod siya?!
“Is this still about me sleeping in your room last Christmas? Wala naman tayong ginawa, ah!” he scoffed, “And that was five days ago! It’s not like we had sex or—”
I wanted to scream back at his face but instead of an intense clap-back, my tears came out first. Agad na nanlaki ang mata niya roon at lumapit. My weak hands slapping him away didn’t make him budge. Ang sandong suot niya ang ginamit niya para punasan ang pisngi ko kahit na paulit-ulit ko siyang tinataboy. He’s such a jerk!
Of course he wouldn’t have sex with me because my body’s no longer the same! Na para namang kasalanan ko kung bakit ako lumolobo ngayon! Hindi na kasi ako maganda. Hindi na kasi ako payat. Hindi na kasi ako kasing-kinis ng dati.
“Frankie, tahan na. Pucha,” bulong niya. The opposite of what he said happened and I slammed my palms hard against his chest.
“Minumura mo ba ’ko?!”
“What? Hindi!” agap niya at mabilis na lumapit. Lumalagitik ang bawat hampas ko palayo sa kaniyang braso at kamay.
“Siguro si Talie hindi mo minumura!” I pointed a finger at him and he gasped.
“Bakit nasama si Talie dito?” frustrated niyang sabi. I could sense that he’s trying to tone down the volume of his voice. “At hindi nga kita minumura.”
“Maybe you’d be happier if she was bearing your child!” My arms fell weak at the thought. “Kasi mas maganda siya.”
Tuluyang nanlabo ang paningin ko kaiiyak. Totoo naman ’yun. She’s taller and slimmer. She’s prettier. She’s rich. Ryo would be on a better place if he chose to be with her. Maybe he already did. Maybe I was just slowing him down because of his responsibility to our child. Siguro hindi siya laging nakasimangot sa umaga kung si Talie ang unang makikita niya.
“Frankie,” mariin niyang sabi. I felt his hand on my forearm but I refused to look at him. Nagmamadali man ang palad ko sa paghabol sa nag-uunahang luha ay parang hindi matuyo-tuyo ang pisngi ko.
“Hindi gano’n. Hindi ko naisip ’yan at hindi ko ’yan iisipin. Tumahan ka nga, napipikon na ako.” Sapilitan niyang inalis ang kamay sa aking mukha at pinunasan ang pisngi ko gamit ang damit niya.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit natigil ako nang marinig iyon. Panay pa rin ang bahagyang pagtalon ng dibdib ko hanggang sa utusan niya akong bumalik sa inuupuan. My eyes felt like they were bitten and my cheeks felt heavier than usual. He got me a glass of water and I quickly took a sip to calm myself down.
“Kumain ka na,” he said, still using that serious tone of his that magically shuts me up every damn time. Like a programmed robot, I picked up my utensils and resumed eating, still sniffing from time to time. I saw him shook his head before reaching for his mug of coffee and sitting beside me.
Patapos na ako but he still hasn’t touched his plate again. Nilingon ko siyang seryosong nagkakape. It’s as if he had a radar installed and he could easily feel my eyes on him that he glanced my way and lifted his brow. Nakaramdam ako bigla ng hiya at umiwas ng tingin.
“Kumain ka na,” I said in a hushed voice, hoping that he heard me because I didn’t want to repeat that. I heard him sigh before standing up and getting his plate before sitting beside me again. The awkward silence stretched on until the end of breakfast. Gusto ko na lang pumunta sa garden nila para ilubog ang sarili ko kasama ng mga pataba sa lupa.
I stayed at the living room and did the usual, which was pretending to be busy with something so I wouldn’t have to make eye contact nor strike a conversation with him. I saw him go upstairs and a little while later, he went down wearing a different top and a face towel on his shoulder. Nawala siya ulit sa paningin ko nang pumunta siya sa kusina.
Nang magpakita siyang muli sa salas ay may nilapag siya sa lamesa. It’s his car keys, wallet, and phone. Pagtingin ko sa kaniya ay may hawak siyang tubigan.
“Jogging lang ako saglit,” paalam niya. Kumunot ang noo ko nang mapansing pilit niyang pinagtatagpo ang mata namin.
“Okay,” I replied instead of telling him that I don’t care what he’s going to do and he didn’t have to tell me. Naubos ata ng kaiiyak ko ang energy ko para sa buong araw.
“Babalik ako agad,” he added. Hindi ko na siya nilingon at tumango na lang. I immediately opened one of my bookmarked websites para lang magmukha akong may ginagawa dahil baka makita niyang nagkukunwari lang ako.
I could still see him from the side of my eyes so I lifted my head to look at him. “Okay, Ryo. You can go,” I said because he might have not noticed that I nodded.
He clicked his tongue. His hand was heavy on top of my head when he ruffled my hair. “Mabilis lang ako.”
I combed my hair with my fingers when he’s gone. While busy scrolling through several tabs of job openings and kiddie games, a sudden wave of shame washed over me. Napapikit na lang ako at napabuntonghininga.
What just happened earlier? At bakit nga nasali si Talie sa usapan? What was I thinking, crying and screaming at him like that? I could just flick a switch and forget about that pero hangga’t hindi ako sigurado kung makakalimutan ba ’yon ni Ryo ay hindi ko magawa. I had always been in control of my emotions. I swear I’m never letting my pregnancy ruin it for me.
Fortunately, the games I found kept me busy and distracted. Maya-maya lang ay tumawag si Nanay para mangamusta. I could sense her disappointment because I wouldn’t be going home again for the New Year. Five minutes din ata siyang naglitanya tungkol sa pera na pinadala ko sa kanila. I asked Ryo to take care of it for me because my parents were never fond of banking, so kailangang ipadala talaga nang mahahawakan nila mismo ang pera.
“Nay, five thou lang ’yan. Maliit pa nga ’yan. Ubos ’yan sa handa niyo,” I said to calm her down. I wanted to send them much more but I knew that there might he a chance that they would return the money to me if ever, kaya hindi ko ginawa.
“Anong lima? Kinse mil ang tinanggap ng tatay mo!” she said which made me halt from making burgers on the game.
I was sure that I only transferred five thousand to Ryo’s bank account. Kung kinse man iyon, halos mauubos ang laman ng account ko.
Nahirapan ako kung pa’no ko iyon ilulusot. Ryo and I broke up so if I would mention his name, even just for once, babahain ako ng tanong ni Nanay at hindi pa ako handa. I ended up acting na nawawala ang signal niya at mabilis kong pinatay ang tawag. Sweat started to form on my forehead when she called again. Pinatapos ko muna iyon sa pagri-ring at mabilis na pinatay ang phone.
I was supposed to go back to what I was doing when Ryo’s phone lit up. I know I should not even dare look at it but my curiosity kept on bugging me. Lalo na noong umilaw ulit iyon. I looked behind me to see if Ryo’s already here. Baka kasi mahuli niya ako.
Inisod ko ang wallet niya at maingat na pinindot ang home button. His phone lit up and I saw Natalie’s full name on his notifications. The first one was a good morning text with a bunch of annoying emojis, and the next was an invitation for lunch later. I was about to lock his phone when another text came in, asking if Ryo would be free tomorrow for a New Year’s eve celebration.
Kating-kati akong buksan ang phone niya. Madalas pa ba silang mag-usap ni Talie? How often? Do they do this lunch thingy on a regular basis? Panay ang lingon ko sa may likuran ko para i-check kung nakabalik na ba si Ryo. I sighed and slapped myself mentally. Ngayon lang ’to. Hindi naman niya malalaman.
His phone’s locked with a four digit password. I tried his birthday but it didn’t work. I tried the four zeroes pero hindi rin gumana. I tried Tita’s birthday and Talie’s birthday pero hindi rin gumana. I took one last glance behind me to check for any traces of Ryo before taking a deep breath.
Kahit na feeling ko ay hindi, I tried my birthday. Napamura ako nang magkamali pa ako ng type. Sa kasunod ay binagalan ko ang pagtipa sa birthday ko para makasiguradong hindi magkakamali.
It didn’t work.
“Shit,” I muttered when his phone was disabled for one minute. I was reminded on why I shouldn’t have tried to open his phone. Privacy. At akala ko ba ay wala akong pakialam? So what? He has his own life. Get a grip, Frankie.
Ang panalangin ko lang ay hindi dumating si Ryo sa loob ng isang minuto. Hindi ako mapakali at panay ang check kung okay na ba ang phone niya. Thankfully, wala pa si Ryo nang natapos ’yong isang minuto. I leaned back on the couch and sighed out of relief.
No matter how hard I tried to not let Talie get into me, I kept on failing. Wala na nga sa laptop screen ko ang atensyon kundi ay nasa cellphone na ni Ryo na nananahimik sa mesa. I kept on imagining scenarios. Pa’no kung tumawag si Talie? Puwede ko bang sagutin? Does Talie have a single idea that I’m currently staying here with Ryo? And that I’m pregnant?
When Ryo came back, hindi siya sa akin dumiretso kundi sa taas. I was turning off my laptop when he came back down, hair wet and on new clothes. Napatagal ata ang tingin ko sa kaniya dahil bumagal siya sa paglalakad at tinaasan ako ng kilay.
“Bakit ka nakasimangot?” he asked before sitting beside me. Hindi ako kumibo at umisod nang kaunti palayo. He picked up the remote control and turned on the TV. I felt like my heart was on my throat when he picked up his phone. Umiwas agad ako ng tingin at pinatong ang laptop sa mesa. I felt the sudden need to get out of the living room.
“Nagseselos ka ba?” biglaan niyang tanong kaya natigilan ako. Inangat niya ang tingin sa ’kin habang hawak pa rin ang phone. What? Talagang pinagsuspetyahan niyang tiningnan ko ang phone niya? Am I that obvious?
“We’re exes. Para namang hindi mo ’ko kilala, hindi ako selosa,” I replied. Nagtagal ang tingin niya sa ’kin at kinalaunan ay pakiramdam ko’y nang-iinis na ’yong paraan ng pagtingin niya. I bit the insides of my cheeks as a replay of what happened earlier during breakfast flashed in my mind. That was such a wrong move. Now he has something to use against me.
“Hindi nga naman talaga, ’no?” he said and I’m not dumb to not notice the hint of sarcasm there. Instead of going out, I found myself sitting back on my spot.
“Why? You’re going?” hindi ko napigilang tanong. I mean, it’s alright with me. Kaya ko namang mag-isa.
“Huh? Saan ako pupunta?” tanong ni Ryo at hindi nakatakas sa paningin ko na bahagya siyang napangisi. Hinagip ko ang isang unan at niyakap. Pinipilit niyang magmukhang seryoso at tumikhim pa ngunit nagmumukha lang siyang tanga kapipigil ng ngiti.
“Aren’t you going somewhere with Talie?” My question came out muffled since I buried half my face on the pillow.
Nanghaba ang nguso niya at alam kong pigil na pigil siya sa ngiti niya. Ewan ko na lang kung saan siya napapangiti. Napangibit ako nang maisip na baka dahil narinig niya ang pangalan ni Talie kaya siya ganiyan. Ang corny.
“Pa’no mo nalaman? Binasa mo text niya?” he asked.
“So pupunta ka nga?” tanong ko pabalik.
He let out an amused smile. “Ako naunang magtanong, ’wag kang madaya.”
I pursed my lips. Hindi ko mapigilang mapasimangot. I couldn’t keep on slipping all the time because he’s gonna get more things to use against me and I don’t like that. “Nabasa ko, hindi ko binasa,” depensa ko sa sarili.
“Ah, okay,” tumango-tango siya, “Nabasa mo lang pala. Hindi mo binasa,” he repeated in a mocking manner.
“So pupunta ka nga?” tanong ko ulit. I averted my gaze when he pouted. My hormones love him too much that he’s starting to look like a walking temptation.
“Bakit? Nando’n ka ba?” he asked which made my brows furrow. S’yempre wala ako ro’n! Hindi naman ako invited. At kung isasama niya naman ako, para sa’n? Para mainis ako lalo kay Talie?
“What?”
“Wala ka ro’n, ’di ba?”
Napaayos ako ng upo. “Wala,” inis kong tugon dahil obvious naman na ’yon, tinatanong pa niya.
“Wala ka naman do’n e, so bakit pa ako pupunta?” tanong niya.
My reflexes came in and I slapped him with the pillow I was holding. Malakas siyang nagreklamo pero napatawa rin naman. Paulit-ulit ko siyang hinampas hanggang sa mapagod bago ako nagmamadaling lumabas.
I stretched my neck before pulling my hair up in a bun. I fanned myself with my palm. I looked up and the clouds were blocking the sun, kaya hindi naman masyadong mainit ngunit sobrang init ng pakiramdam ng mukha ko.
Seriously, Frankie, tinatablan ka pa sa kaga-gano’n ni Ryo? Hindi pa ba talaga ako nagsasawa sa apat na taong ka-cheesy-han niya? Maybe I need to get myself checked.
* * *
“Pst.”
Napairap ako agad. Maya-maya lang ay nasa tabihan ko na siya. Binaba niya sa mesa ang plastik ng mga prutas na bilog. I saw him talking to his family a while ago. Rinig ko rin na miss na miss na siya ni Tita. Medyo na-guilty tuloy ako dahil pakiramdam ko inagaw ko ang anak niya sa kaniya.
“Ryo, isa,” I warned him when he occupied the chair beside me and I showed him the knife I was holding. May peeler sila pero mas gusto kong kutsilyo ang gamit kaya ’yon ang gamit ko sa pagbabalat ng carrots. He said he wanted pancit bihon kaya iyon ang gagawin ko.
“Bakit na naman? Uupo lang ako e,” aniya at napakamot sa batok.
At work, I was fond of using sticky notes for almost everything. For this case, feeling ko may isang buong cartolina akong pinaskil sa utak ko para hindi ko makalimutan na hindi talaga dapat kami nagiging masyadong malapit sa isa’t isa.
Mahirap na.
“Tumawag si Tito Max,” aniya. Dumampot siya ng orange at sinimulang balatan iyon. “He’s asking if we want to spend the evening with them.”
Napatigil ako sa pagbabalat. Okay lang naman, pero nakakahiya. I didn’t want to deprive Ryo of bonding with his relatives but he doesn’t necessarily need to bring me with him every time. Okay lang naman sa ’kin kung mag-isa ako rito. I could always phone my parents.
“Okay lang if you want to go. I would be fine here alone,” I told him.
He snorted loudly. “Edi ’wag na lang. Dito na lang tayong dalawa.”
I lifted my gaze at him. “Sure ka? You can go, Ryo.”
“Sure ako,” sabi niya at tumayo na may dalang isang apple. Hinugasan niya iyon sa lababo. He went back beside me with a smaller knife and a bowl and started to peel and slice it.
Binaba ko muna ang kutsilyong hawak. I don’t want to cage him here with me. Sure naman akong uuwi siya. What’s like, 12 hours, without him? Hindi naman siguro ako mapapahamak.
“You’re okay with this? Hindi mo kasama family mo.”
Ryo’s close with his family, I know him. Kaya nga never kaming nag-celebrate ng Pasko at Bagong Taon na magkasama e dahil lagi niyang kasama ang pamilya niya. No matter how much of a busy man he is, he makes sure to be present on their family events, lalo na ’pag birthday ni Tita at ni Raianne. Alam kong hindi ako makakapagnakaw sa oras niya kapag busy siya sa gano’ng bagay at hindi ko naman na sinubukang sumingit pa.
“Sa ’yo ba, okay lang?” tanong niya pabalik.
Hindi ako agad nakasagot. I mean, it would be much better if I were at home with my parents, pero wala rin naman ako masyadong reklamo na nandito ako. Plus, he provides all my cravings and attends to my requests even if most of the time, he’s annoying. Wala akong problema na nandito ako kasama siya pero hindi ko ’yon masabi dahil baka baluktutin niya ang salita ko, at gamitin niya pa para sa ego niya at sabihing nag-eenjoy akong kasama siya.
“Kung ano ’yang sagot mong hindi mo masabi, ’yan din sagot ko,” he said after a few moments of silence and stood up.
Inagaw niya sa akin iyong tinatrabaho ko at nilagay ang mangkok ng apple slices at orange sa tapat ko. “Ako na magtutuloy, kumain ka na lang diyan.”
Nasanay akong marami laging handa at maingay tuwing magba-Bagong Taon. Hindi naman sa nagrereklamo ako sa handa namin ni Ryo, naninibago lang talaga. Kagaya ng sabi niya ay hindi nga siya umalis kahapon at ngayon. I wonder if he told Talie that he wouldn’t show up o hindi na lang niya ni-reply-an.
Nasanay din akong maingay mag-celebrate. Kung hindi makina o busina ng motor, mga bata namang nag-iingay ang naririnig ko ’pag gan’tong oras. Sa salas ulit kami kumain habang nakabukas ang TV para sa countdown, at ’yon lang ang tanging ingay na naririnig ko. But again, I’m not complaining. I’m still… happy.
A few more minutes before the New Year starts and my phone rang. Gano’n din si Ryo na tumayo muna bago sagutin ang tawag, which is I think from Tita dahil narinig ko ang malambing niyang pagtawag ng Mommy.
Halos hindi kami magkaintindihan ni Nanay sa telepono dahil sa ingay do’n sa kanila at ngayon ay totoong nagpuputol-putol na ang boses niya. Halos mabingi ako nang pumatak na ang alas dose at tuluyan nang hindi ko marinig ang boses ni Nanay sa kabilang linya. A few more minutes and I ended the call because it was useless. I just texted her before replying to my workmates and my friends, lalo na si Cali na nagtatampo na dahil ilang minuto na mula noong message niya ngunit ’di ko pa siya nare-reply-an.
I stood up and went to the kitchen to put our used plates. Pinaaagusan ko ’yon ng tubig nang may magbukas ng cupboard. I looked up and saw Ryo getting a box of wine from there. He looked down at me and turned off the sink.
“’Wag mo na ligpitin. Ako na diyan mamaya,” aniya.
He pulled out the wine from the box. Nanonood lang naman ako dahil sure akong hindi niya ako pagbibigyan. He raised a brow at me when he caught me staring.
“’Di ’to puwede sa inyo ni baby. Titimpla na lang kitang gatas,” aniya. Hinawakan ko lang iyong bote ng wine nang bitiwan niya at kung tingnan na niya ako e parang kahit hawak lang ay bawal. I rolled my eyes at him. OA talaga.
“Hey, Ryo,” tawag ko sa kaniya dahil ’di ko pa siya nababati. Saglit niya akong nilingon. I was about to speak when my phone rang.
Nate.
“Sagutin mo muna ’yan,” aniya sa seryosong tono bago ilapag ang mug sa tapat ko. I watched as he picked up the bottle of wine and left me there without another word.
I answered Nate’s call. The call didn’t even reach a minute, fortunately. Bumati lang naman siya at saglit na nangamusta. I just hope it didn’t seem like I wanted to end the call so badly. I didn’t want to sound rude but I wanted to go upstairs already.
I checked outside and the living room first to see if Ryo’s still downstairs before heading up. Wala siya sa kuwarto ko at naabutan kong bukas ang kwarto nina Tita kaya kahit nag-aalangan ay do’n ako dumiretso. I saw Ryo through the glass door leading to the balcony, downing the bottle of wine as if it’s water.
I slid the door open and his eyes immediately flew to my direction. Tinuro niya ang langit kaya napalingon ako ro’n. From afar, faint specks of fireworks could be seen. Malayo iyon masyado kaya hindi namin gaanong rinig.
“Happy New Year,” bati ko sa kaniya. I blew the steam out of my mug and stole a quick gaze from him. He swigged from his bottle of wine instead of responding.
Natahimik kami parehas. Hindi rin naman siyang obligadong batiin ako pabalik at hindi ko na ’yon ginawang big deal.
“Frankie,” he called when I was finishing my mug of milk. I wiped my mouth with the back of my palm before raising both brows at him.
He didn’t say a word. Nanatili lang siyang nakatitig at nanatili akong naghihintay sa sasabihin niya. I unconsciously gulped when he angled his face and inched closer. Parang may walang-awang pumipiga sa puso ko at hindi ako titigilan hangga’t hindi iyon sumasabog.
His breath felt warm against my cheeks—the scent of wine quickly creeping in my system. The soft, cold kiss on my cheek made my heart race wildly, no matter how much I was telling it to stop feeling things. My knees felt like they turned to jelly and I had to tighten my hold on the mug or else it would slip from my hold and break.
“Happy New Year, Franceska,” he whispered. The hair on my nape felt like they were shaken awake. I told myself to not look his way because he was too close but I did the exact opposite.
I found him opening his mouth and closing it again, like he had something more to say… but he looked scared, and the words just wouldn’t leave his mouth.
Chapter 10: Photo
hhfm10 chapter 10: Photo
“Nagpakabait ka ba?” Tita asked Ryo as her eyes turned to slits. Ryo frowned and pouted.
He threw me a glance and I quickly averted my gaze to focus on helping Raianne unpack her things. I cleared my throat and pretended to be busy by looking around what Raianne bought from New York. I could still feel Ryo’s eyes on me, and if it weren’t for his mother who’s hugging him by the doorway, I would have scolded him because he just wouldn’t stop staring at me like I always have something on my face since the beginning of the year.
“Oo, My. Bakit ako lang tinatanong mo? Si Frankie ba ’di mo tatanungin kung nagpakabait din?” he asked which automatically made my brows furrow in confusion and annoyance. I looked their way and he arched a brow at me. I quickly removed the bitchy look on my face when Tita turned to face me. Maswerte talaga si Ryo na nandito nanay niya, and what the heck was he saying? Ang bait-bait ko kaya! Siya nga ’tong laging nagpapainit ng ulo ko!
“Frankie’s nicer than you and I trust her,” I heard Tita say, which made me smile a little. While removing the tags and folding Raianne’s newly bought clothes, I glanced at Ryo with a triumphant grin on my face. Lalo lang lumalim ang simangot niya dahil hindi siya kinampihan ni Tita. She’s right, though. I’m way nicer and well-behaved than Ryo.
It had been a few hours since Ryo and their driver picked them up at the airport. I was still sleeping so I wasn’t aware that they already arrived. Pagkagising ko ay kagigising lang din nila. Raianne pulled me to her room and asked me to help her with her new clothes, na hindi ko alam kung bakit napakarami na para bang lahat ng laman ng walk-in closet niya ay papalitan na niya.
“Inaantok ako,” Ryo grunted. The mattress bounced when he lay down beside me. Agad akong umisod nang maramdamang dumikit nang bahagya ang ulo niya sa aking hita. Kitang-kita ko kung paano umangat ang isa niyang kilay roon.
I pursed my lips and didn’t look his way. Nananadya ba talaga siya? Simula ata no’ng tinabihan ko siya sa kama ay namimihasa na siya. He slept in the room I was staying, hugged me, and kissed me on the cheeks. The worst was that he’s acting like it’s no big deal. Tapos ay ang hilig niya akong asarin na ’affected’. Kung hindi ba naman siya tanga e. We didn’t talk for a month when we broke up. Imposible namang nakalimot na siyang break na kami. May Talie na nga ata siya e.
“Kuya, my dress!” eksahederang sabi ni Raianne dahil nadaganan ni Ryo ’yong isa niyang bistida. Ryo rolled his eyes before switching positions and lying on his side, facing me. I stood up and shifted on my seat para talikuran siya.
“Nag-eemote ka na naman?” I heard him mumble from behind me. Hindi ako tumugon. Napairap na lang ako nang maramdaman kong may kumakalabit sa likuran ko. Ang kulit!
Raianne must have noticed the annoyed look on my face because both of her brows rose. Bahagya siyang napatingin sa kapatid at pabalik sa ’kin.
“Kayo na ba ulit?” she blurted, which made me stop folding her clothes.
“No,” sagot ko kaagad. Lumundo muli ang kutson. I looked over my shoulders and saw Ryo na mukhang mabilis na napaupo dahil sa sinabi ng kapatid niya.
“Well, Kuya?” Raianne added which made me gasp. Kailangan niya pa bang tanongin si Ryo? Sumagot na ako, a!
She only smiled at me innocently while I shook my head.
Nilingon ko si Ryo na nakakunot ang noo at masama ang tingin sa kapatid. His gaze softened when he looked at me. Napangiwi ako at mabilis na umiwas ng tingin nang napanguso siya.
For the past few days, I had learned to not let my pregnancy hormones control me. I had this feeling that Ryo’s trying to play with me because he knew that I was vulnerable to temptation. I don’t know if he lost all his shirts so he’s topless most of the time, or if he lost weight because his shorts would always hang dangerously low on his hips, or maybe it’s just me and my wandering eyes noticing the stupid little things. Kulang na lang e ibabad ko ang sarili sa internet sa pagtingin ng iba’t ibang lalaki sa magazine para lang mabura sa isip ko ang mga mental images. It was fucking annoying.
“Hindi kami nagkabalikan, Raianne,” sabi ko dahil tuluyan na atang napipi si Ryo. Raianne chuckled.
“Sorry, Ate Frankie. I wasn’t asking you,” she shifted her gaze to her brother, whose breath now I could feel on my shoulders.
Parang mahahalabid ata ng tags at strings ng damit ang daliri ko dahil biglaan akong nakaramdam ng taranta nang maramdaman ang ligamgam ng hininga niya sa balat ko. Pasimple akong umisod paunahan ngunit ramdam ko pa rin. My right hand immediately flew to my nape. Bahagya ko ’yong hinimas dahil feeling ko, tinitingnan ni Ryo kung ano’ng estado ng balahibo ko roon.
“Ano, Kuya? Ang tagal mo namang sumagot,” natatawang sabi ni Rai.
“Bakit kami magbabalikan niyan?” Ryo answered which made me take a complete stop on what I was doing. Maingat akong lumingon sa likuran ko dahil alam kong malapit lang siya sa akin. He lazily raised his brow at me when he caught me looking.
“As if naman babalikan kita,” I said through gritted teeth.
Nagusot ang mukha niya roon at inirapan ako bago umiwas ng tingin. I rolled my eyes back at him before shifting my gaze back at Raianne’s baggage. I caught her looking at us with amusement.
“Did something happen while we were away?”
“Wala,” sabay naming sagot ni Ryo, parehas na pagalit.
“Ah, okay?” Raianne looked confused and curious. Napailing na lang ako. Ano ba kasing ginagawa ng asungot na ’to sa kuwarto? Ni hindi nga siya tumutulong na mag-alwas ng gamit ng kapatid niya! He should just go to his room and get some sleep since he woke up so early today, instead of using all his energy just to piss me off.
“Ate, look!” Napalingon ako kay Raianne. “I bought this for you!” excited niyang sabi bago alisin sa plastic ang kung anomang kulay pulang hawak niya. Niladlad niya iyon at binali-baliktad habang pinapakita sa ’kin. It’s a chunky, red, knit cardigan with large cream buttons. I was about to reach for the plastic na pinaglagyan no’n para makita ang presyo pero agad na kinuha iyon ni Ryo.
Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin ngunit wala siyang pakialam at kinuyumos bigla iyong plastik. My eyes widened when he suddenly put it inside his shorts.
“Ano? Kukuhanin mo pa?” nanghahamon niyang tanong. Malakas na napahalakhak ang kapatid niya.
Napangibit ako. He’s really testing me. “What if oo?”
Agad na lumukot ang kaniyang mukha. He shook his head in disbelief before sneering at me and getting it out of his shorts—kung saan niya man iyon nilagay! Kinuyumos niya na lang ulit iyon at nilagay sa bulsa niya. Siaya ’tong manghahamon tapos ’pag pinatulan ko e titiklop din naman.
“Stop flirting in front of me,” his sister said.
“We’re not flirting,” depensa ko kaagad at kinuha iyong inaabot niyang damit.
“We’re not flirting,” Ryo repeated in a high-pitched voice, obviously mocking me. Hindi ko na lang pinatulan dahil wala naman akong choice kung hindi magpaka-mature pagdating sa kaniya.
Tumayo muna ako saglit para maisuot iyong binili ni Raianne. Just by getting the feel of the material, I could say that it was expensive. One thing that I learned about Ryo’s family, in the course of our four-year long relationship, is that they never give cheap gifts.
“Ayan, bagay sa ’yo!” Raianne commented and even clapped her hands. Inalis ko ang buhok kong naipit ng damit at tinali iyon nang mabilisan.
I reminded myself to give Raianne something nice on her next birthday. The shade of red matched my skin tone perfectly, and I think I would be wearing this at the office every Monday since it’s cold there.
Natigilan ako nang maabutan si Ryo na nakatitig sa ’kin. Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay at mistulang may switch akong pinindot sa kaniya at agad na gumalaw ang kanina lang e parang nagyelong mukha niya. His whole face scrunched before looking away.
“Bagay sa kaniya, ’no, Kuya?” I shook my head. Magkapatid nga sila, parehas alaskador. Sadyang mas isip-bata lang ’yung mas matanda, ironically.
“Ewan,” tipid na sagot ni Ryo.
“Sus!” Napalingon ako kay Raianne habang hinuhubad ang cardigan dahil kinakabahan na ako tuwing tatawa siya nang malakas. Baka kung ano-ano’ng lumabas sa bibig niya!
“You told me before that you liked seeing Ate in red! Kaya nga red ang binili ko!”
“Shut up, Rai,” iritableng saway sa kaniya ni Ryo.
“Ano? Babalikan mo na ba? Araw-araw kong pagsusuotin ng pula si Ate Frankie­—ouch! Ano ba!” naputol ang sasabihin niya nang kurutin ni Ryo ang pisngi niya. For sure that hurt. Kitang-kita ko ang gigil sa mukha ni Ryo nang gawin iyon.
“Ikaw na bata ka, ang dami mo kasing sinasabi,” mariing sabi ni Ryo. Napatingin ako pabalik sa hawak kong cardigan at sa tainga niya dahil halos magkakulay na ang dalawa.
Kunot na kunot na ang noo niya na halos magkadugtong na ang kilay niya. When he saw that I was watching him, lalo lang sumama ang timpla ng mukha niya at tumayo. Padabog siyang lumabas ng kuwarto ni Raianne at napapikit ako sa sobrang lakas ng pagkakasarado niya ng pinto. Isip-bata talaga.
* * *
Kung ano’ng dinalas ng pagkakakita ko kay Ryo noong wala sina Tita ay siya namang dinalang ngayon. Busy with the play-offs, I rarely see him in the house. Halos tuwing Lunes ko na lang siya makita dahil hinahatid niya ako sa office at sinusundo, minsan ay hindi pa nga nasusundo dahil hindi mag-match ang oras namin. It’s not like I’m complaining or anything.
Ryo being off the radar was actually on my favour. I feel like I wanted to disown myself every time I would catch myself unconsciously lusting over him. Hindi ba dapat e ayaw ko na sa kaniya? Hindi ba dapat e nagsawa na ako dahil four years ko na rin namang… in-enjoy si Ryo? Besides, I don’t like him. I don’t get why my eyes kept on involuntarily gluing themselves to him.
Work kept me busy. I never missed any of his games, though, dahil palagi namang nanonood si Tita sa bahay. I would just sit beside her while I pretend to type something on my laptop kahit nasa TV screen naman talaga ang atensyon ko. I could see that he’s finally adjusting to his new teammates, though the media says that they’re still failing to reach the expectation they had for the team before the season began. Aside from seeing him on screen, Tita’s side comments kept me entertained.
“Uy, may live interview daw boyfriend mo mamaya, ah?” Cali said before popping a piece of broccoli inside her mouth.
Kumunot ang noo ko. “Boyfriend?”
She gave me a tight-lipped, sarcastic smile. “Edi ex.”
“Ryo?” I didn’t know about that. He didn’t tell me, at hindi rin naman napag-uusapan sa bahay.
“Sino pa ba?” tugon niya kaya napairap ako. I have my packed lunch with me, like the usual, because Tita (and Ryo) wanted to make sure that I was eating healthy. Nga lang e kinain ko na ’yon kaninang umaga pagdating sa office dahil hindi ako nakapag-breakfast at na-stress ako ro’n sa isang recording na napakalabo ng audio. Cali accompanied me to the cafeteria at the adjacent building to eat lunch.
“When? Anong oras?” tanong ko.
I frowned when she gave me a meaningful grin, just to show her that napipikon na ako sa kaaasar niya. Bakit ba lahat ng tao sa paligid namin e parang nakakalimot na mag-ex kami ni Ryo? Panay ang pang-aasar ni Raianne sa kapatid niya kada maabutan siya sa bahay. Si Tita lang ata iyong walang pakialam. Sometimes, I would catch Tito looking at the two of us pero mabilis ding iiwas ng tingin at magkukunwaring abala. Si Cali, well, ganito na naman siya simula pa noong nag-break kami ni Ryo.
“Bakit ’di mo alam?”
“Hindi niya nababanggit.”
“Bakit hindi niya nababanggit? Hindi ba kayo nag-uusap?” usisa niya. Napatanga ako sa kaniya kaya napatawa siya.
I shook my head. “Nag-uusap, but not as much as before. We’re both busy,” sagot ko.
I suddenly remembered something which made me pause from eating. Kung kanina ay enjoy na enjoy ako sa chop suey ay parang biglaang nawalan ako ng gana.
“Ilabas mo ’yan,” Cali, being my closest friend for years, immediately noticed the change in my mood.
Nag-dalawang—isip pa ako kung sasabihin ko, dahil sobrang babaw. Hindi naman ako titigilan ni Cali na mukhang abang na abang sa kung ano ’yong ikukuwento ko.
“I saw him at Talie’s IG story…” I said and shrugged like it wasn’t bothering me at all, when I’ve been meaning to ask Ryo about it since I saw that.
Tumaas ang dalawang kilay ni Cali. “Talaga? Kailan?”
“Can’t remember. I really don’t mind,” I lied. It was exactly four days ago. I remember how his hair looked like, what earrings Talie wore that day, and even the faces of the people the camera caught. At anong I really don’t mind? I almost didn’t sleep that night because Ryo came home late. I only fell asleep when I finally heard him opening the door to my room, meaning that he already got home.
Cali’s observant stares remained on my face. Inayos ko ang pag-acting at nagpatuloy lang sa pagkain kahit na gusto ko na tumigil. Now, the food tasted so bland and I felt like I want something else to eat.
“So, the interview?” pasimple kong pagbabalik sa nauna naming usapan, dahil baka magtanong pa siya kung pa’no at bakit alam ko ang IG story ni Talie. Baka wala sa oras ay mapaamin akong may fake account pa talaga akong ginamit para lang sa purpose na ’yon.
Ryo didn’t tell me about the interview, so either he wasn’t planning to tell me because he didn’t want me to watch, or he plans to cancel that on the alast minute, or hindi lang talaga niya masabi dahil hindi kami magpang-abot sa bahay.
“Mamayang gabi ’yon, sure ako. Baka mag-aalas onse,” she wiggled her brows, “Manonood ka?”
“Baka tulog na ako no’n,” sagot ko kahit na iniisip ko na agad ano’ng gagawin pag-uwi. I would probably get home by half past five. Maybe I should take a nap by six then wake up by eight for dinner. Hindi na naman siguro ako aantukin mamaya kung matutulog ako nang tatlong oras.
Cali didn’t look convinced but she let the topic go. For the next few minutes, I listened to her rant about the co-handler of the socials she’s working on. Nang matapos kami kumain ay sinamahan niya ako pabalik sa floor namin.
“Anyway, may tanong ako,” aniya habang naglalakad kami. We were walking slowly because she was trying to match my pace, at ayaw kong maglakad nang maglakad dahil ang bilis mapagod ng binti ko.
“Shoot,” I said before taking a sip on the mango shake she bought for me. Matikal si Cali. One thing that I would miss after this pregnancy thing is her buying me stuff.
“E kaso baka ma-offend ka,” aniya at napasimangot.
I shook my head. “You’ve asked me a shit ton of offending questions in the past.”
Natawa siya. “E kaso baka ma-offend ka talaga rito. ’Wag na lang,” aniya kaya napasimangot ako.
Hindi ako patatahimikin ng pagkakuryoso ko roon at ’yon ang mas nakakainis. “Itanong mo na, Cali. Mas maiinis ako kapag hindi mo ’yan tinanong,” I told her.
Napanguso siya. I scoffed because I waited for a few moments but she remained silent and contemplating. “Did Ryo and I have sex during the holidays? The answer is no. ’Yon ba?”
Nanlaki ang mata niya roon at natapik ang braso ko. She chuckled but shook her head. “Hindi ’yon! Pero thank you sa info. Ang follow-up question ko e, bakit hindi?”
I almost choked on my drink. I wanted to keep a straight face because of the disgusting thought but her laugh was contagious kaya nangingiti rin ako.
“Pero seryoso, baka ma-offend ka sa sassabihin ko e,” aniya.
“I’m not calling friendship over no matter what that question is,” I assured her.
“Okay…” she took a deep breath, “Matagal-tagal ko nang iniisip ’to e. ’Di ba no’ng nag-break kayo ni Ryo, buntis ka na no’n? Tama ba ang bilang ko?
My brows furrowed at that because that’s not the type of question I was expecting. Napaisip ako sandali bago tumango. “Most probably.”
She kept on chewing on the straw of her drink. We stopped in front of the glass door leading to my team’s place. Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay dahil hindi pa rin niya nailalabas ’yong tanong niya.
“Posible kayang naapektuhan ng mood mo ’yung judgment mo?” she asked, fear on how I would react written all over her face. Napaayos ako ng tayo. “I mean,” she sighed, “I don’t know, Frankie. Maybe the hormones made the feelings worse—”
“Pregnant or not, I would have broken up with him,” I cut her off. Bumagsak ang balikat niya roon.
“Sorry,” she said in a hushed voice. I gave her a small smile.
“It’s fine,” I said before pushing the door open and heading to my cubicle.
What Cali said bothered me for a few more minutes. Nanatili akong nakaupo lang sa swivel chair at nag-iisip-isip. That was months ago. Ang dami na ngang nangyari. There’s no use thinking about what could have happened if things were different. I’m sure we would have broken up one way or another. Pagod na ako. Pagod na siya.
I wouldn’t deny that the four years I had with him was one of the best moments of my life. He just made my college life much more bearable even if he was annoying most of the time.
Pero hanggang do’n na lang e. Maybe both of us could only endure maintaining our relationship for four years, hindi na puwedeng lumagpas.
My brows furrowed when I noticed that I have been unconsciously writing his name on my scratch paper. Agad ko iyong ginurihan at kinuyumos bago itapon sa basurahan.
***
I’ve been getting used to having dinner without Ryo. Nabakante ang upuan sa dulo at si Raianne ang tumabi sa ’kin. Ang plano ko kanina ang nasunod. Sinundo ako ng driver nila kanina at pagkarating ko rito ay agad na nagpahinga at gumawa ng tulog para ’di ako antukin mamaya. I decided to check online at tama nga si Cali na may interview mamaya. Hindi naman talaga ako active sa social media, except now that I’ve been using Instagram every other day for the sake of mending this curiosity on Talie’s life. Iniiwasan ko na naman ngayon ’yon.
Raianne and I were sharing a bowl of apple slices and grapes while we were seated on their couch. Si Tita ay nakaupo lang sa isang tabi habang nanonood ng TV. It’s still early kaya naman balita ang naabutan namin sa TV. Tahimik na tahimik kami ni Raianne nang mapadpad sa sports ang balita dahil sa laro nina Ryo kanina. It’s another sabit game, kaya naman gisadong-gisado sila ng media. Napapalingon ako minsan kay Tita dahil bigla na lang siyang lilikha ng kung ano-anong tunog na para bang naiinis.
I stopped on munching on the apple slice I was holding when a photo suddenly flashed on the screen. Alam ko namang puro si Ryo ang mapapanood ko sa show biz at sports dahil gano’n naman talaga ang strategy para may manood ng interview niya kahit gabing-gabi na ’yon i-eere mamaya. What I didn’t expect to see was a photo of him and Talie at the parking lot of a famous hotel and restaurant.
“What the fuck?” mahinang sabi ni Raianne sa tabihan ko. Ang katahimikan ay napalitan ng biglaang pagsigaw ni Tita kaya naman napabalik ako sa ulirat. Nagmamadali si Raianne na pinatay ang TV.
“Raianne, get my phone!” galit na galit niyang sigaw at parang gusto ko nang tumakbo palayo. Natataranta rin si Raianne at pinasa sa ’kin ang laptop niya bago nagmamadaling pumunta kung saan para ata hanapin ang phone ni Tita.
I tried to shove the heavy feeling brewing on my chest. I’ve seen that photo already. Months ago. I remember it clearly. Kaya naman hindi ko inaasahang kahit papaano ay may mararamdaman pa rin akong bahagyang pisil sa loob ko nang makita iyon. Bakit pa ba ako nagulat? If it were a new photo, I would understand my shock. But it’s not.
“Frankie—” agad na tawag sa ’kin ni Tita nang tumayo ako.
“I have to make a call po,” pagsisinungaling ko at dire-diretsong nagpunta sa taas. I locked my room’s door before taking in a few deep breaths. It’s nothing new, Frankie. Nakita mo na ’yon noon kaya bakit nagre-react ka pa?
Kahit na alam kong hindi dapat ay chineck ko ang phone ko. The article about that photo resurfaced on gossip sites. There were even new ones, a part of the media scheme for people to watch Ryo’s interview later.
Nanatiling blangko ang isip ko at nahiga na lang sa kama. I just set an alarm to watch Ryo’s live interview later and put my phone on the table. Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto o oras na akong nakahiga ngunit napabangon ako nang marinig ang boses ni Tita sa labas.
I didn’t want to go out because, hell, she’s scary when she’s mad. All I could figure out from inside was her asking who wrote the articles, and why did that photo resurface. Nanginig ata ako nang marinig siyang sumigaw, “Take that down or I’ll get your people fired!” Sinoman ang kausap niya sa telepono, naaawa na ako sa kaniya.
Lumipas ang oras ko nang gano’n-gano’n na lang—nakahiga at tulala. The sound of my alarm snapped me back to reality and I turned on the TV. Like the usual, I stacked my pillows so that my back would be comfortable while I watch.
I wonder if Ryo already knew that his photo with Talie was resurfacing. Hindi ko alam kung wala ba siyang idea, o sadyang plastik siya kaya malapad ang ngiti niya nang pumasok siya sa frame… or maybe he just doesn’t give a fuck about that photo anymore. He likes Talie now, doesn’t he?
I was expecting the loud cheers of the studio audience, because who wouldn’t lose their shit when Ryo’s sitting just a few meters from them? Dressed in dark blue button-up and khaki pants, sporting that charming grin of his, yet still emitting a slightly suplado vibe.
I couldn’t help but be proud when he was asked about his career. Kahit naman ata kung nag-break kami at hindi ako nabuntis, I would still be proud and happy for him, because he’s doing something that he loves. Of course, judging sa MTRCB rating na SPG, hindi na ako nagulat sa dirty jokes at kung ano-anong medyo malisyosong tanong na binibigay sa kaniya.
But in a snap, Ryo’s cheery appearance vanished when they showed the photo of him and Talie. Gusto ko siyang pagalitan dahil napakaseryoso ng mukha niya at halatang hindi natutuwa! He’s on national TV, for fuck’s sake. Kailangan niya maging plastik. Lalo na ngayong lalo lang nagwala ang studio audience.
“I’ve been meaning to ask—”
Kasabay ko ang lahat ng tao sa studio sa pagsinghap nang biglaang tumayo si Ryo. “Hindi ’to kasama sa napag-usapan,” seryoso niyang sabi bago ilapag ang mic sa inupuan niya. He removed the cords attached to him and slammed them hard on his seat, before walking out!
I heard the panic on the host’s voice when he called for a commercial break. Tumigil ata ako sa paghinga at kahit na commercial na ng beer ang nasa screen ay pakiramdam ko’y nakikita ko pa rin si Ryo. What the fuck did he just do?! Lalo siyang pag-iinitan!
Why did he walk out in the first place?
I patiently waited for the show to come back in. I was expecting to see Ryo, calm and back on his seat pero wala. Instead, the host apologized that they had to cut the interview short because of Ryo’s emergency (gasgas na excuse), and then they welcomed this rising teen star and her partner sa loveteam. Wala ang rason para manatiling bukas ng TV kaya pinatay ko na iyon.
Hindi ata ako makatutulog kaiisip. Parehas akong binabagabag ng lumang picture na iyon at ng pag-walk out ni Ryo. Isang oras mahigit na ata akong nakahiga at nakatalukbong ng kumot ngunit hindi ako dinadalaw ng antok. Dumagdag pa iyong natulog ako kanina pag-uwi kaya lalo lang akong gising na gising. I kept my eyes shut and tried to shut the thoughts out of my brain, too. Makakatulog din naman siguro ako.
I don’t know how much time had passed but just when I was about to fall asleep, I heard the doorknob moving. Nanigas ako sa puwesto ko lalo na nang marinig ang boses ni Ryo sa labas.
“Frankie?”
Sa ilalim ng kumot ay mariin ang pagkakakuyom ng kamao ko. I heard him shuffle a bit more with the doorknob before the door creaked, then it was followed by his footsteps. Nanatili akong nakapikit at nagpanggap na tulog. It’s so quiet already, and I was scared that he would hear my heartbeat.
I heard something clinking, probably the keys he used to open the door. Then, I heard a thud. I was trying my best to keep my face straight and not react when I caught a whiff of beer. Nag-inom siya?
Takot man ay maingat akong gumalaw. I pretended to shift on my position while sleeping to face my right side. Maingat kong binuksan nang maliit na siwang ang mata ko para lang masilip siya. I saw him sitting on the floor, nakasandal sa gilid ng kama ko. One of his elbows was propped above his folded knee and his hand cupped his forehead. Pumikit na akong muli dahil nasilip ko na siya at alam na ang hitsura. He’s still wearing the outfit he had during the interview.
“Frankie…”
Kuyumos na kuyumos ang mga daliri ko sa ilalim ng makapal na comforter nang maramdaman ko ang braso niya sa ibabaw ng aking hita, with his hand falling weakly just behind me. “Frankie, sorry.”
I had to clench my teeth to maintain my blank, ’sleeping’ face when I heard his voice break. Sa tuwing maririnig ko ang nanginginig niyang paghinga ay pahirap nang pahirap sa ’kin na magpanggap. Bakit siya umiiyak?
Bahagyang nabunutan ako ng tinik sa dibdib nang alisin niya ang pagkakapatong ng kaniyang braso sa aking hita. I could still hear him sobbing, and I was fighting the urge to open my eyes and hold him despite his scent making my stomach churn.
Kahit wala sa tubig, pakiramdam ko’y nalulunod ako sa hirap ng paghinga nang maramdaman ang labi niya sa ’king noo. If I were holding my breath all this time or I just forgot how to breathe, I was not sure, but it’s making me feel lightheaded and dizzy. I thought he was going to leave, and I badly needhim to leave because I couldn’t breathe anymore, but he just worsened the feeling when I felt his fingers on my hair. And he kissed my forehead again.
And again.
And again.
Hindi ko na nabilang kung ilang beses niya iyon inulit.
I heard him inhale sharply. “I never cheated on you.”
Chapter 11: Date
hhfm11 chapter 11: Date
“Sorry, ano nga ulit sinabi mo?” wala sa wisyo niyang tugon sa ’kin.
I pursed my lips and didn’t respond. He took one swift glance at my direction and he sighed as he brought his eyes back on the road. Before we left home, I had already noticed the change in his behavior. Hindi lang naman ito kanina lang nagsimula. For the past few days, I felt like I was seeing a different Ryo. Kung bakit? Wala kasi ang kapal ng mukha niya, parang natunaw at napunta na lang kung saan. I was starting to think that this person I was trying to talk to was an impostor.
I caught him opening his mouth to speak but he decided against it. Nanatili ang tingin ko sa kaniya para mag-obserba. His eyes were distracted, and he kept on trying to see if I was still looking at him, so I eventually averted my gaze. Baka kasi mamaya, mabangga pa kami sa katuliruan niya. I had watched his games, at sa court ay mukha namang nasa pokus siya. But it’s like seeing an actor on and off-screen; hindi ko alam kung bakit parang nag-iiba siya ng anyo tuwing nasa bahay. At first I thought it was just the pressure for the finals, pero hindi e. May iba talaga.
It started after that night of his interview. I was trying to see if he noticed that I was only pretending to sleep, pero hindi ko s’ya makausap nang matino dahil lagi siyang nakaiwas at ilag na ilag. The only reason I could come up with was that he realized that I was awake, and now the shame had been eating him up alive since the previous days.
Naninibago ako sa kaniya. He just wasn’t as playful as before, and he had been unusually silent even in meals. Kinakausap pa naman niya ako dahil hindi naman siya pumapalya sa pag-check ng lagay ko, but I just know it in my heart that things were different. The way he communicates and acts around me changed completely. Memoryado ko ang kilos at pananalita niya sa loob ng apat na taon, kaya hindi ako puwedeng magkamali sa judgment ko na may nagbago talaga. Simple ko lang siyang tinawag noong isang araw at kita ko ang paninigas ng buong katawan niya.
He wouldn’t even look at me while we’re having small talk. He wouldn’t even let me near him, except now na nasa sasakyan niya kami papunta sa check-up ko. Nagkadikit lang kami sa may hagdan isang beses ay para namang nakapapaso ang balat ko at mabilis siyang umiwas.
A part of me was starting to get annoyed. Siya pa ang may ganang banatan ako ng para kang otherstapos ngayon siya ang ganito.
It’s not like I wanted those small kisses but neither did I feel like I didn’t want those. I just… didn’t have any feelings for it. It had been in my mind since the night it happened, pero ano naman? Hindi ko alam kung kasali pa ba sa parte ng pag-acting ko na ’di ko alam ang nangyari dahil tulog-kuno ako, or it just… didn’t bother me at all.
Hindi ko rin alam kung dahil ba may mga tao na ulit sa bahay kaya siya balot na balot ulit. It’s not like I prefer to see him walking around the house almost naked. Naninibago lang talaga ako. Thank goodness my pregnancy hormones weren’t acting up, or else I would have started a fight with him dahil hindi niya talaga ako pinapansin madalas. Hindi na parehas ng atensiyon na binibigay niya sa ’kin dati ang natatanggap ko ngayon. Whining about that would make me look like a nagging, moody wife, at hindi naman ako gano’n kaya pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko.
“I was asking about your game,” I decided to tell him when we reached our destination.
“Ah, anong mero’n?” wala sa wisyo niya pa ring tugon. Iritable na ako na wala talaga siya sa pokus ’pag kausap ako.
Hindi na lang ako umimik dahil nabubuwisit na ako. Hindi naman ata siya nakikinig! Ano ba kasing tumatakbo sa isip niya at lagi siyang wala sa ulirat?
If he didn’t want to talk to me, he should have told me earlier. Then, I shouldn’t have wasted my energy on trying to strike a decent conversation with him. Kapag ako ang hindi nagsasalita ay naiirita rin naman siya at kinukulit ako. I would end up talking to him kahit na puro kami away dahil napipikon na ako. Now that the roles had been reversed somehow, he’s just flat out ignoring me. Edi ’wag na mag-usap kahit kailan. Madali naman akong kapulong.
On the other note, that walkout he did on TV did more bad than good. Well, at least for me. It just sparked up a lot of new questions, at mas maraming bait content ang na-generate nila ro’n. If tingin ni Ryo e naiwasan niya ’yong tanong, nagkakamali siya. Sawang-sawa na nga ako na pinag-uusapan siya sa trabaho. None of my workmates knew about our relationship, except Nate. Of course, hindi naman niya babanggitin sa ’kin. Others, who were oblivious, kept on gossiping about him even if I could hear.
I’ve been wanting to ask Ryo about it pero nakakainis nga siyang kausap dahil parang laging lumilipad ang isip niya. I was just curious, alright. Sa tagal na ngang naka-stuck sa utak ko ng tanong ko sa kaniya, nakapag-formulate na ako ng iba’t ibang scenario at kung pa’no ako lulusot sa mga possible responses niya. If he ever ask me why I asked, I would just tell him that it’s for insider content at napag-utusan lang ako. Easy as that.
“Frankie, anong meron?” ulit niya sa tanong niya kanina habang naghihintay kami.
“Nothing,” I said coldly, because I lost the mood to talk to him. Kaninang nasa mood ako, ayaw niya akong kausapin, e.
A thought crossed my mind. What if may problema sila ni Talie kaya siya ganiyan? Is it about the media and their privacy? E parang mas private pa ’kong tao kaysa kay Talie, at hindi naman siya namroblema masyado noong sinabi ko sa kaniya na ayaw kong isapubliko ang relasyon namin. Pero sabagay, wala namang media na nakaabang sa kilos ko, unlike Talie.
But still, if Talie didn’t want the media’s attention, then she shouldn’t have posted sketchy things. O baka gusto niya rin? Ewan.
It’s either that… or he hasn’t told Talie about my pregnancy yet. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung ano ba silang dalawa. Ang huling alam ko, walang kahit ano sa kanila. Malay ko ba kung kailan ’yon nagbago.
Hiling ko na lang ay ’di ako madamay sa drama ng buhay nila. Hindi ko ata alam kung ano ang gagawin kapag hindi na lang ako writer, kundi topic na mismo ng articles. Gaano kaya iyon ka-awkward tuwing papasok ako?
Parehas iyong posible. Plus, I had not seen any traces of Ryo on Talie’s social media accounts since that famous walkout.
“Ano nga kasi?” Ngayon ay nangungulit siya e ilang araw na nga niya akong dinededma.
“Wala nga, ’di ba?”
“May sinasabi ka kaya.”
I rolled my eyes. “Narinig mo naman pala e, why are you still asking?”
He sighed. “Hindi ko naintindihan.”
I shrugged. “Not my problem.”
Hindi ko siya kino-congratulate kahit nananalo sila sa games nila. Kahit papaano ay natabunan ng mga pagkapanalo nila ’yong issue sa walkout. Ang tagal na kasi noong huling nakarating ang team nila sa finals.
“Galit ka na naman e,” he mumbled when Doktora excused herself for a moment dahil may tumawag sa kaniya.
“Ginagalit mo kasi ako,” I replied, trying to remain composed. Any minute now, baka bumalik ang doktor. Nakakahiya naman kung maaabutan niya kaming nagbubulyawan.
“So galit ka nga?” I heard his chair scrape the floor. Napalingon ako sa sahig at nakita kong nilapit niya iyon. Napangibit na lang ako. Lalapit-lapit siya ngayon e ang tagal-tagal niya ngang layo nang layo sa ’kin?
“Pakialam mo ba?” I crossed my arms. I didn’t look at him kasi gano’n din naman ang ginagawa niya sa ’kin nitong mga nakaraang araw. Para kaya akong nakikipag-usap sa hangin ’pag gano’n. Tapos hindi pa siya makausap nang ayos.
“Edi sorry.” Parang hindi naman ’yon bukal sa loob!
Agad na napapaling ang tingin ko sa kaniya dahil sa inis. His lips were kept on a childish pout, and I tried my hardest not to look at it dahil baka makalimutan ko na galit ako. Kunot ang noo niya at parang naiinis na rin. Hindi ko nga alam ba’t may gana siyang mainis e siya ’tong parang tanga!
“Napipilitan ka lang ata, lunukin mo na ’yang sorry mo.”
Imbes na mag-sorry pa at magsumamo e talagang nagkunwari pa siyang may kinuha sa hangin at kinagatan tapos ay nilunok. My fist moved on its own and gave him a light punch on his arm, na parang ako pa ata ang masasaktan sakaling nilakasan ko iyon dahil sa tigas no’n. At bakit pa ba iyon ang napansin ko?
A thin layer of my annoyance was stripped off of me when I caught him stifling a grin. That’s more like him.
I was asked a few more questions when the doctor came back. My due date was nearing, and I was reminded to be more careful with everything. Nang tanongin ako tungkol sa stress ay mabilis akong um-oo.
“You can’t be stressed, Frankie,” paalala sa ’kin. Pasimple kong nilingon si Ryo na gusot na gusot ang mukhang nakatingin sa ’kin. I wanted to laugh when Doktora reminded Ryo that he needs to make sure that I wouldn’t be too stressed out. Para siyang pinagagalitan.
Matapos ang ilan pang paalala e lumabas na kami. Ryo kept on calling me but I pretended to not hear him.
“Bakit ’di ka nagsasabi sa ’king sumasakit pala ulo mo? Ano bang nagpapa-stress sa ’yo? Trabaho?” sunod-sunod niyang tanong. I was about to pull on the handle of his car door when he forced it close.
“Ano nga? Bakit ’di ka nagsasabi?” ulit niya.
I raised a brow. “You’re the one who’s been acting weird lately. Ikaw naman nagpapa-stress sa ’kin e.”
“Ha? Ano na namang ginawa ko? Ba’t ako na naman?” kunot-noo niyang tanong.
“Why were you avoiding me?” Diretsahan ko iyong sinabi. Natigilan siya roon at ilang beses na kumurap ngunit walang sinabi. I was patiently waiting for his answer, but none came. Binuksan lamang niya ang pinto.
“Sakay ka na, uwi na tayo,” aniya nang hindi na ulit makatingin sa ’kin. I let out a long sigh. What’s wrong with him?
“No. Hindi ako sasakay hangga’t ’di mo sinasagot.” I shook my head. Nilingon niya ako at ngayon, kitang-kita ko na ang stress sa mukha niya. He couldn’t just carry me and toss me inside because I’m pregnant.
“Frankie naman e,” parang bata niyang sabi. He scratched the back of his head and shut his eyes tightly. Nang magmulat siya ay puno ng pagpapaawa ang mata niya.
Umiling ako ulit. “Sagutin mo muna ako, Orion. May ginawa ka bang kasalanan?”
“Wala ah!” mabilis niyang sagot. That sounded too defensive for my liking.
“Then why are you avoiding me?”
He clicked his tongue. “Sakay na, Frankie. Sige ka, iiwanan kita dito.”
I snorted at that. “I’m going to call Tita.”
He gasped. I just pulled out the sumbong-kita-sa-nanay-mocard and it works every time. Problemadong-problemado ang hitsura niya ngayon. He groaned and rested his head on the edge of his car door.
“Sakay ka na kasi,” pagpupumilit niya.
“Kung kanina mo pa sinagot ’yong tanong ko, kanina pa tayo nasa biyahe.”
He pouted. Umirap pa siya nang mahuling nakatitig lang ako sa mukha niya.
“Nahihiya nga ako sa ’yo,” mahina niyang sabi at umiwas ng tingin. Napisil niya ang kaniyang taingang mabilis na inakyatan ng kulay.
My lips parted at that, unsure on how to react. Hindi ko alam kung anong klase ng hiya ang tinutukoy niya at gusto kong malaman. I was about to ask him when he suddenly made some incoherent sounds, like that of a child who just lost an argument.
Pulang-pula ang mukha niyang nilingon ako ngunit masama ang kaniyang tingin. Hindi ko alam kung namumula ba siya sa hiya o sa inis. My amusement on his tomato red face somehow distracted me from my confusion so I mindlessly got in the car.
Hanggang sa makauwi kami ay pulang-pula ang mukha niya. I asked if he was sick and he shut the door on my face. Bumalik ang inis ko ro’n. Bahala nga siya!
***
Ryo was still being an ass, so I didn’t expect to see him waiting for me downstairs one Monday morning. His schedule’s a lot more hectic now, at nasasanay na akong driver nila ang naghahatid-sundo sa ’kin.
But I didn’t want to assume, dahil baka soplahin niya ako bigla, so I asked, “Why are you still here?”
He looked both grumpy and avoidant, which was really weird. Hindi ko alam kung nahihiya ba s’ya sa ’kin, gaya ng sabi niya (na hanggang ngayon ’di ko pa irn alam kung bakit), o naiirita siya sa ’kin (na hindi ko rin alam kung bakit dahil wala naman akong ginagawa sa kaniya).
“S’yempre, bahay namin ’to e,” pabalang niyang sagot. That instantly made me frown and I tried my hardest not to fire back, because I didn’t want to ruin my morning. May meeting pa mamaya at ayaw ko namang puro siya ang isipin ko. Hindi naman siya special.
“O, sa’n ka pupunta?” he asked when I walked past him. One of my hands rested on my belly, because lately, I’ve been feeling like Raiko’s kicking and I could already feel it from the outside. Lagi akong nakaabang kung kailan masusundan ang pakiramdam na ’yon.
“Work,” simple kong sagot at tumigil sa harapan ng sasakyan na ginagamit sa ’kin panghatid.
He sneered. He pulled out his keys from his pockets at pinindot ang alarm no’n. “Dito ka sasakay, ihahatid kita.”
“Really?” I raised a brow. “Akala ko ba nahihiya ka sa ’kin?”
His whole face scrunched upon hearing that. I stifled a laugh when I caught him trying to cover his ears, na unang namumula lagi. He didn’t say a word and opened the door to the front seat. Hindi s’ya umalis roon dahil hinintay niya akong makasakay ngunit hindi na niya ako tiningnan.
“Frankie,” tawag niya habang nasa kalagitnaan kami ng biyahe.
“Yes?” I asked while flipping through the pages of my folder.
“Nanalo kami.” I paused reading the revised drafts upon hearing that.
“Yeah, I heard,” I replied flatly, faking my disinterest. Alam ko naman iyon. Tingin niya ba ay hindi ako nanononood? O kahit man lang nakikibalita?
“Psh.” Napalingon ako sa kaniya. Malalim ang kaniyang pagkakasimangot habang sa daan nakatuon ang tingin. I pulled the folder closer to my face to hide my smile from him.
Maybe he was expecting me to congratulate him, o kahit man lang ang team. But because he was an ass, had been avoidant for a few days, at nagawa niya akong pagsarahan ng pinto, hindi siya makakatikim ng bati sa ’kin. Deep inside though, I was happy and proud of him. Hindi lang niya deserve marinig. Napapadalawang-isip lang ako dahil baka damdamin niya e may championship game pa.
He looked like a child in the verge of crying when he dropped me off. Nagtagal ang tingin ko sa kaniya dahil inaabangan ko na magyabang siya kahit papaano o may pabaon siyang insulto, pero wala. He just quickly removed his seatbelt and went outside to open the door for me.
“Ano?” iritable niyang tanong dahil nanatili akong nakatitig sa kaniya at hindi pinakakawalan ang kapit sa pinto ng sasakyan. Wala talaga akong reklamo kung siya ang magiging kamukha ni Raiko. Basta ang ugali, sana akin.
Dahil mukha nga siyang batang naagawan ng candy, nagbago na ang isip ko at babatiin sana siya ngunit may tumawag sa pangalan ko mula sa malayo. Both of us whipped our heads to that direction and saw Nate who was waving at me. His smile gradually faded when he saw Ryo in front of me.
“Baka ma-late ka,” bubulong-bulong na sabi nitong isa.
“Ryo.” Hindi niya ako nlingon. Now, he looked pissed. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa akin o dahil ba sa nakita niya si Nate.
“Ryo,” ulit ko.
He clicked his tongue. “O?” tugon niya, nasa sahig ang tingin.
“Look at me when I’m talking to you,” I ordered. Kita ko ang pagngiwi niya pero sumunod din naman.
“Ingat.” ’Yon lang ang nasabi ko. Nabitin iyong congrats at hindi ko na lang sinabi. His lips twisted at nahuli ko na naman siyang kinapa ang tainga.
“’Yun lang pala, akala ko pa naman may something,” bubulong-bulong niyang sabi.
* * *
One of my hands was placed protectively on my belly as I tried to go down the stairs quickly but without tripping. Kung bakit ba naman kasi napasarap ang idlip ko kanina at hindi ako nagising ng alarm!
I wanted to run pero hindi ko naman kaya. Mabilis na lang akong naglakad palabas ng bahay, hoping that I would be able to catch Ryo before he leaves for the game. Rinig ko na ang makina ng sasakyan at maswerteng naabutan ko pa ang mag-ama. Tito Finn’s putting something on the trunk while Ryo’s about to enter the front seat.
“Ryo!” Napalakas ata iyon. Miski si Tito Finn ay napatingin sa ’kin. Hindi ko napigilang hingalin nang malapit na ako sa kaniya at tumigil saglit. Mabilis siyang lumapit sa akin at mukhang nabahala.
“Bakit? May masakit sa ’yo?” he asked, voice laced with panic. Naramdaman ko ang isang kamay niyang marahang humaplos sa aking tiyan.
“No, wala,” I answered, shaking my head. Nahagip ng tingin ko si Tito na nakamasid sa ’ming dalawa ngunit mabilis na umiwas nang mahuli ko.
Napakurap-kurap ako ro’n at parang napabalik sa ulirat. What was I doing here, again? I was just about to wish him good luck pero parang ayaw ko na ata.
Ang tingin niya sa ’kin ay may bahid pa rin ng pag-aalala. For a moment there, I got lost and distracted. I swiftly took a step back, just for precautionary measures, when I felt my eyes wandering to his lips. Mahirap nang sobrang malapit.
His hair’s brushed back, and I just couldn’t help but stare and admire. He was still on his white shirt but was already wearing his jersey shorts. The way his clothing looked like it was too stretched and was having hard time to cover him up made me blush. Don’t get me started on the way his sleeves hugged his biceps.
Oh my god, Frankie. Your mind’s getting dirty! Don’t even dare to kiss him even if his lips looked inviting.
Yet I found myself tugging the end of his shirt, forcing him to crouch a bit before planting a kiss on his cheek. Friends do that, right? We could be friends, right? At puwede naman ’yong walang meaning?
“Good luck,” I whispered in a small voice, before the violent wave of shame took over me. Especially when I saw the horror in Tito Finn’s face who was watching us from a few meters.
Agad akong tumalikod at kung puwede’y tumakbo na papasok ng bahay. I heard Ryo shouting, “Frankie! ’Wag kang tumakbo! Baka madapa ka!” before I entered the house, went upstairs to lock myself in my room, and buried my face on the pillow.
* * *
Sa screen ko lang naman nakikita si Ryo pero ramdam ko pa rin ang hiya. My face felt like it was set on fire at feeling ko, nakikita ako ni Ryo kahit hindi naman. Would he bring that up later when he gets home? I hope not.
Ang dahilan kung bakit ako umidlip kanina ay para hindi ako antukin sa laro nila. The crowd was wild, at sigurado akong nag-aagawan ang sports writers ngayon sa pinakamagandang anggulo at nag-uunahan sa paggawa ng headline. History was what they called this. Luck, to those who viewed it on a different angle.
Talaga nga atang maniniwala na ang marami na pampasuwerte si Ryo. Though I wish people would not view him as a mere lucky charm because he’s hardworking and he has the skills. His talent and efforts were often overlooked before because of his surname. His family manages a consumer goods company. And for fuck’s sake, he’s Mirae Lim’s daughter. One of his fears before was that he wouldn’t be able to build a name for himself because of those. Another thing is he didn’t want to be viewed as just another pretty face.
Alas-diez na natapos ang dikit na laro. Mula sa kuwarto ko ay rinig ko ang tili ni Tita na para bang may emergency. Kung hindi lang nanalo sina Ryo, iisipin ko nang may nanloob sa bahay kaya gano’n kalakas ang tili niya.
I immediately turned on my laptop. Para na akong media researcher sa bilis ng kamay kong pumunta sa accounts ni Talie para mag-check ng mga bagong post. I kept on refreshing the pages. I even checked the gossip website that I hate. I even went to anonymous blind item pages just to fish for information.
Panay ang refresh ko sa kahihintay ng congratulatory post mula kay Talie. I even messaged Cali to talk to her friends na social media handlers din dahil baka may balita sila sa dalawa. Puro pang-aasar ang natanggap ko kay Cali at ang excuse ko lang na nabuo ay inutusan ako ni Tita. I feel like every day, I’m becoming more of a liar. I promised myself that this would be the last. Ryo’s a free agent now, right? Siguro naman walang bagong magiging balita?
I groaned and almost hit the space bar violently when I realized that. Kung hindi lang regalo sa ’kin ang laptop na ’to, baka nga dinikdik ko na ang keyboard.
Does that mean that Ryo would be here every day? He did tell me that he would take a break because of my pregnancy. Sa dami ng araw, why did I decide to kiss him on the cheek now that I would be seeing more of him? Minsan hindi rin ako nag-iisip talaga. O sadyang ’pag si Ryo ang usapan e tumitigil ang isip ko at katawan lang ang nag-iisip.
Wala akong napala sa kare-refresh. Talie didn’t post about it. Wala nga kahit pang-iintriga sa anomang show biz pages. I was starting to think that Tita had something to do with it, which was highly likely, because nobody would dare to get into her nerves. ’Yon ay kung ayaw nilang magsara.
We had very late dinner. Tita kept on apologizing to me pero wala naman akong reklamo dahil ’di naman ako nakaramdam ng gutom kanina. Right now, parang nakakalimutan ko na nga rin ang gutom dahil nasa bahay na si Ryo. I heard his uncles and friends are coming over to celebrate, too. Gusto ko na nga lang magkulong sa kuwarto dahil kitang-kita ang umbok ng pagbubuntis ko, which would probably invite questions and stares.
“Mamaya pa raw pupunta sina Max,” sabi ni Tito Finn. Right now, it’s just us. There’s an empty seat between Raianne and me, at alam ko na kung sino’ng uupo ro’n. I wanted to request na si Rai na lang muna sa tabi ko dahil hindi ko pa rin alam pa’no haharapin si Ryo pagkatapos ng ginawa ko kanina.
Nga lang, nang dumating si Ryo ay hindi man lang niya ako tiningnan. It’s either he’s just too consumed with his mother’s happiness or he just chose to ignore me. Either way, it worked fine with me. Haindi pa nga niya ako tinitingnan e pakiramdam ko’y sinisilaban na ang mukha ko, pa’no pa kapag inasar niya ako?
Tito Finn kept on giving me stares during dinner at doon ako mas nabahala. Panay ang tingin niya sa ’ming dalawa ni Ryo habang kumakain kami at feeling ko, kung ano-ano na ang naiisip niya. Sana lang talaga e ’wag niya ikuwento kahit kanino ’yong nakita niya.
May parte sa ’king nagmamaktol habang nakahiga na sa kama para matulog. I couldn’t sleep because I wasn’t able to congratulate Ryo. Inabala ko ang sarili sa phone at pag-check ulit kay Talie pero wala naman akong napala. Napaisip tuloy ako kung nag-text lang ba siya kay Ryo, o baka naman harap-harapan kanina at hindi nga cinover ng media dahil kay Tita.
“Frankie?”
Halos mahulog sa mukha ko ang phone nang marinig nag boses ni Ryo. I immediately locked my phone because I would rather be buried alive than be caught stalking Talie.
“Yes?” medyo tensiyonado pa iyon. Sumilip siya sa siwang at hindi na pumasok.
“Tulog ka na. ’Wag ka na mag-phone,” aniya. Strangely, mukhang walang nagbago sa weird version ni Ryo. I was expecting that I would be the one who wouldn’t be able to look at him, pero ngayon e walang nagbago sa kaniya at parang siya pa rin ang nahihiya.
“Yup,” sagot ko. Saglit lang kaming nagkatinginan bago siya tumango. I was about to congratulate him but he already shut the door.
***
Mukhang mapapadalas na naman na maiiwan kami ni Ryo sa bahay. Ang pinagkaiba lang ngayon ay may kasama kaming mga kasambahay. Maybe Tita and Tito were just adjusting their work life so they could stay here with me. Now that Ryo’s here to watch over me, wala na silang dalawa.
My pregnancy had been getting harder and harder to hide from my parents. They noticed that I hadn’t been inviting them for video chats, at sigurado akong ilang bees ko na lang puwedeng gamitin ang excuse ko na busy ako. Lalo na kay Nanay na sobrang lakas ng pakiramdam.
“So ano’ng plano?” Cali asked over the phone while I was drying my hair. Wala namang matinding kaganapansa bahay kahit kami lang ni Ryo dito. He remained avoidant, and I tried to keep myself busy to get my mind off that cheek kiss. Hindi nga niya binabanggit pero tuwing magkakatinginan kami, dadalawin talaga ako ng hiya dahil feeling ko, iniisip niya rin ’yon.
“Plano sa’n?”
She chuckled. “Gaga, it’s Valentine’s!”
Napasimangot agad ako ro’n. “Yeah, and we’re over. Months ago,” I replied, though I opened the closet and found myself searching for a nice dress, imbes na mag-pambahay lang. Wala na nga ata talaga akong utak. Nalusaw na ni Ryo.
“Edi Valentine’s as friends!” was her ridiculous suggestion. “Nagcecelebeate din naman tayong dalawa, ah! Why can’t you and Ryo do the same? As friends?”
Napairap na lang ako sa sobrang sarcastic ng pagkakasabi niya. I tossed one of the maternity dresses that I found which flattered my current body shape the most. It was from Tita, sabi niya’y suot niya iyon noong pinagbubuntis si Raianne. Ilang taon na ang tanda no’n pero hindi man lang mukhang nagato.
“Ano? Andiyan ka pa?” Cali asked because I zoned out on the dress. Hindi ko naman sinasadya na kulay maroon iyon. Would this make me look like I’m trying to please him?
“Magbibihis lang ako,” tugon ko at pinatay ang tawag. I tossed my phone on the bed.
One moment later and I was giving myself a pep talk and preparing a bunch of excuses. What if he asks on why I had this sudden idea? Wala. Bored ako. And we could just… shop for baby stuff, right? That could count as a friendly date, right?
Napasapo na lang ako sa noo. Friendly date na ba ngayon ang mamili ng gamit ng anak niyo sa isa’t isa?
Well, para sa ’kin, oo. After doing my make-up, I went out to knock on his room. Hindi na ako nag-isip, talagang hindi ko na pinagana ang utak ko dahil sigurado akong kung iisipin ko pa, isang oras na akong nakatayo sa labas ay hindi pa rin ako kumakatok.
I blinked slowly when he opened the door and I saw him only with a towel covering his lower body. Ang singkitin niyang mata ay biglaang nanlaki at bahagya niyang sinara ang pinto bago itago ang sarili niya sa likod no’n. It’s useless though, I felt like I developed this vision which could see through the damn door at kita ko lahat ng body parts niya. I stopped it with my thoughts because I didn’t want to turn as red as the dress I was wearing.
“Frankie,” may bahid ng gulat iyon. Nahigit ko ata ang hininga ko nang pasadahan niya ako ng tingin. “Bakit? Aalis ka ba?”
“Uh,” I looked around, forcing myself to take in how the surroundings looked like dahil hindi mawala sa isip ko iyong nakita ko kanina. I feel like a little devil version of Cali was whispering on my ears, asking me on how Ryo’s bare wet chest would feel against my palm. Parang hindi ako makapagsalita at nanuyo na ang lalamunan do’n. Fuck it, Frankie.
“It’s Valentine’s,” I managed to say. His brows shot up. “Do you wanna go out?”
Chapter 12: Movie
hhfm12 chapter 12: Movie
“Frankie, shall we set-up the free room for your baby?”
Napaangat ang tingin ko mula sa keyboard papunta kay Tita na nasa upuan sa tapat ko. Her eyes were focused on the DSLR she was holding. Hindi ako nakasagot agad sa tanong niya kaya naman lumipat din sa ’kin ang tingin niya. She raised both her brows at me and I averted my gaze.
“Kayo po’ng bahala,” sagot ko. Earlier this morning, she invited me to join her outside. Nahiya akong tumanggi Kaya naman heto kami ngayon sa garden nila, my laptop and her teacup occupying the round white table. Hindi na nawala-wala sa ’kin ang pagka-intimidate sa kaniya, kahit na mabait naman siyang makipag-usap sa ’kin.
Kahapon din ay naririnig ko ang pangungulit niya kay Ryo kung babae o lalaki ba ang anak namin. Just a few more weeks and we would welcome him to the world yet his grandparents, lalo na ang mga magulang ko, e walang kaalam-alam sa kaniya. If Tita would ask me now, hindi ko alam kung masasagot ko. Ewan ko rin ba kay Ryo kung bakit ayaw sabihin, baka gusto lang inisin ang Mommy niya.
“But I think it’s better if you would put the crib in your room, pero parang mas malaki ang room ni Ryo e,” she added.
I pursed my lips and prayed that she would stop talking, because I seriously have zero idea on how I would respond. Naiintindihan ko naman na nagpaplano lang naman siya at concerned bilang lola, but I think she’s forgetting the most important part here, na ex ako ni Ryo at nakikitira lang ako sa kanila. Maybe she already got used to my presence, but it’s not like I would be staying here forever. I already asked Cali to look for apartments na mas safe at mas maayos para sa bata. After my delivery, I would just wait for a month or so before going home, dahil kailangan ko ring sabihin kina Tatay. Then, I would need to go back here for work. Ang problema ko lang, e sino’ng mag-aalaga kay Raiko. Hindi naman puwede si Cali dahil halos parehas naman kami ng schedule sa office. Sunod, e kung papayag ba ang magulang ko na dalhin ko si Raiko rito, feeling ko kasi ay mas gugustuhin nilang sila ang kasama ng apo nila.
Isa pang problema ko, sigurado akong hindi papayag sina Nanay na hindi nakakausap si Ryo at sina Tita. I just hope that my parents would know how to calm down. Nakakahiya kina Tita sakali mang biglaan na lang magwala si Tatay.
She was probably bringing up this topic because she saw the stuff that Ryo and I bought last Valentine’s Day, a.k.a. the most awkward mall experience of my life. I tried so hard to act and sound normal pero kinalaunan ay para akong binuhusan ng isang balde ng hiya. Lalo na’t hindi nakikisama si Ryo at parang kinamatisan sa sobrang pula ng mukha niya habang nagtitingin-tingin kami ng gamit. All we did was shop for Raiko’s needs, with minimal talking, tapos ay umuwi na kami. Ang mga shopping bags ay hindi pa namin naaalwas. Ryo just set-up the crib and it’s currently in my room. ’Yong ibang gamit, nasa kuwarto niya pa at hindi ako sigurado kung binuksan na niya.
“Frankie,” tawag sa ’kin ni Tita.
“Po?”
“Alam na ba ng magulang mo?” she asked, putting her camera on top of the table and picking up her teacup. Bahagya akong natigilan do’n para mag-isip kung magsisinungaling ba ako o ano. In the end, I felt bad at the thought of lying to her so I shook my head.
“Uuwi na lang po ako pagkatapos kong manganak,” I told her. Bahagya akong kinabahan nang makita na napasimangot siya.
“What about your baby, then? You’re still going to work after your maternity leave, right?”
“Opo,” sagot ko. Hindi ko pa alam kung sino’ng pagbabantayin sa bata kapag may trabaho ako. Ayaw ko namang dalhin si Nanay dito dahil ang ayos-ayos na ng lagay nila ro’n sa ’min. Ayaw ko rin namang maiwan si Tatay na mag-isa. If I were to leave Raiko here, parang nakakahiya naman na kukuhanin ko lagi ang bata. At saka pa’no ba naming paghahatian ni Ryo ang mga araw? Hindi naman papayag ang magulang ko na hindi ko iuuwi sa kanila ang bata kahit paminsan-minsan.
“Hindi pa ba kayo okay ni Ryo?”
Napakurap-kurap ako sa tanong niya. Nilingon ko siya at napansin ko agad ang pang-iintriga sa mata niya. Agad na nabura iyon nang umiwas siya ng tingin at nagkunwaring walang pakialam.
“Hindi naman po kami magkaaway,” safe kong sagot. Hindi ako sigurado kung anong ’pag-aayos’ ba ang tinutukoy niya. Ryo and I are fine, though recently, we’ve been awkward around each other. Hindi naman kami mag-aaway kung hindi kami mag-uusap, ’di ba?
“No, I thought…” she trailed. Inabangan ko ang idudugtong niya roon ngunit hindi na iyon dumating.
She clicked her tongue and let out a long sigh. Nakatingin lamang siya sa langit at ’di ko alam kung ano ang iniisip niya.
Based on my observations, I feel like she doesn’t like Talie. Maybe that’s an understatement, but I don’t want to use the word hate. Hindi naman niya binabanggit sa ’kin at hindi naman naming ugaling mag-chismisan, but every time she would see Talie on screen, I would catch her rolling her eyes and changing the channel. Ang February issue nga no’ng isang woman’s magazine ay siya ang nasa cover, and I don’t know who Tita was talking to over the phone while holding a copy of it, pero puro lait ang narinig ko. I searched the house for that magazine copy but I found it in one of their helper’s hands. Noong tinanong ko kung sa’n iyon dadalhin, ang sabi niya ay sa basurahan. I asked her why, at ang sabi, utos ng Madame.
Is it wrong to feel sort of happy upon pondering on my observations? Does it make me a bad person that I find Tita’s attitude towards Talie funny?
Wala namang ginawa sa ’kin si Talie e. And whatever she had to do with Ryo, labas na ako ro’n, whether those were just rumours or truths. They’re both single and adults, alam na nila ang ginagawa nila sa buhay nila.
I was still waiting for her to finish her sentence so when her gaze came back down to me, nahuli niya akong nakatingin.
“Hindi ba talaga?” she asked with furrowed brows.
“Hindi po talaga ano?” I asked back, though I might have an idea on what she was talking about.
“Hindi ba talaga…” she frowned, then shook her head, “nothing.”
Agad kong kinagat ang ibabang labi para pigilan ang mapangiti. That move just reminded me of Ryo. Tamang halo talaga si Ryo ng kapal ng mukha ng tatay niya at ugaling pag-suppress ng feelings gaya ng nanay niya.
She didn’t say anything else so I continued on exchanging e-mails with Nate. It’s solely about work. One member from the creative team just resigned and right now, it’s difficult for the group to come up with concepts. Feeling ko nga rin e nagpaparinig siya kung kailan ako magli-leave, dahil mababawasan na naman sila kung sakali.
Narinig kong tinawag ulit ako ni Tita ngunit hindi ako napalingon dahil may pinababasa sa ’kin. Naagaw lang niya ang atensyon ko nang biglaang may liwanag na tumama sa mukha ko mula sa flash ng camera. I heard her laugh a little.
“Come on, give me a smile,” Tita instructed, while I was busy rubbing my eyes. Nang lingunin ko siya ay nakatutok na sa akin ang lente ng camera. Agad akong napaayos ng upo.
Other than being a well-known personality in the magazine industry, I know her as a photographer. She’s probably just playing around but I couldn’t help but feel stiff. Back in her younger years, magkano ba ang binabayad sa kaniya para sa isang shoot? Tapos ako, heto, libre lang.
“Ngiti ka, dali,” saad niya at sumilip sa ’kin dahil para akong kukuhanan ng mugshot dahil hindi ko maigalaw ang mga muscle sa mukha ko. “We should have done a maternity shoot.”
Hindi ko ata kakayanin iyon. I forced a smile at the camera at sinilip niya ulit ako. She reached for my laptop and closed it, kaya naman mas lalo lang akong naging awkward dahil wala akong mapagkaabalahan.
“Come on, Frankie. Gagaya ka pa ba kay Ryo na ayaw magpa-picture sa ’kin?”
I took a deep breath and tried to give her a more genuine smile. Mukha namang satisfied na siya roon. I don’t know how many pictures she was taking pero sinubukan kong hindi mangalay kangingiti. Maya-maya lang ay binaba niya iyon at mukhang tinitingnan ang shots.
“Pa’no kayo sa family photo niyo ni Ryo niyan, parehas ata kayong takot sa camera ’pag ako ang may hawak,” sabi niya habang may pinipindot sa camera, probably still looking at the photos.
“Tita, w-we broke up,” I reminded her because I felt the need to do so. Kahapon niya pa pinoproblema iyong crib at kung sa’n ilalagay. Hindi ako puwedeng malayo sa bata kaya hindi iyon puwede sa kuwarto ni Ryo, so I almost choked on my water when she suggested that I sleep in Ryo’s room. Hindi naman halata sa mukha niya na may edad na siya, but of course, I know she’s already old so there’s a chance that she might be forgetting things—kasama na rin ang break-up namin ng anak niya.
“Oh.” Napatigil siya sa ginagawa. Nilingon niya ako at ilang bses na kumurap. “So no family pictures of the three of you?”
I smiled shyly and shook my head. “Wala po, kayo na lang po.”
She frowned and raised a brow. Nagtagal ang tingin niya sa akin. She was shaking her head when she shifted her gaze back to the camera.
“Whatever, I make the rules here,” she said nonchalantly at agad akong kinabahan doon.
* * *
Madalas pa ring wala si Ryo sa bahay tuwing nandito si Tita. Tito kept on bringing him to work dahil sabi niya, sayang naman daw ang pinag-aralan ni Ryo kung hindi gagamitin. For today though, he went home around lunch at sabay kaming kumain dahil umalis si Tita kanina. Kagaya ng dati, gano’n pa rin, walang imikan. Noong una, ako lagi ang nag-iinitiate ng small talk kaya kahit papaano ay may nangyayari, kahit na most of the time ay wala siya sa wisyo. Hanggang ngayon nga ay hindi ko alam kung ano ’yung sinasabi niyang kinahihiya niya. Ang kinahihiya ko naman e ’yung niyaya ko siyang lumabas at talagang sa Valentine’s pa, kaya nagmukhang date talaga kahit na namili lang kami ng gamit.
Kanina ko pa nilalaro ang mga maliliit na teddy bear na laruang binili namin. The crib’s still empty, at in-attach ko lang ’tong mga maliliit na teddy bear na de-sabit. I’m sure Tatay could make a better crib, pero para rito kina Ryo, okay na rin ’tong nabili namin.
There was sudden surge of bliss and excitement inside of me as I imagined my baby sleeping peacefully here. I’ve been reading a lot of books and watching shows about new moms during my free time, at kahit na may kaba ay nangingibabaw pa rin ang tuwa. I’m sure as hell it would be a lot stressful than my work deadlines, pero gusto ko na talagang mahawakan ang anak namin. I can’t exactly say that I’m fond with kids, but this is our child I’m talking about. Dati, alam kong mas gusto ko na babae ang anak namin, but right now, ngayong nandito na si Raiko, wala na akong pakialam do’n.
Naalala ko bigla iyong mga pinamili namin ni Ryo. We also shopped for clothes, though sabi ni Ryo e naghihintay siya ng tiempo na maghanap kung may natira ba sa mga damit niya noong baby pa siya, na pinamigay na ata, dahil gusto n’yang ipasuot kay Raiko. He couldn’t ask Tita dahil mabubuko na lalaki si Raiko.
I tied my hair up before stepping out of my room. Sana lang ngayong kakatukin ko si Ryo e hindi siya nakatapis lang at kalalabas lang ng banyo. God knows what content I looked up on the internet just to erase the mental images in my head. Pakiramdam ko nga, kung bata-bata lang ang mga kasambahay nila, panigurado’y mga naglalaway na kay Ryo at lagi na lang siyang kakatukin sa kuwarto niya kung ganoong view ba naman ang bubungad.
I knocked twice on his room’s door but I heard no response. Kumatok ako ulit at gano’n pa rin. Hesitantly, I twisted the doorknob and found out that it wasn’t locked. Still, I didn’t open the door because it’s his room and his privacy. Tumawag ako sa pangalan niya ngunit walang sumasagot, so I figured that he’s not in his room, o baka nasa banyo at hindi ako naririnig.
I didn’t want to go down the stairs. Mabilis na mangalay ang mga binti ko kaya naman naglakad-lakad na lang ako sa second floor. There’s a wide window at the end of the hall where I could see the garden, so I walked my way there to check if he’s outside. Wala akong bakas ni Ryo na nakita sa baba.
With one hand on my tummy, I kept on pacing back and forth from my room to Ryo’s, waiting for him and also for any signs of fetal movement. Lagi na lang kasing hindi naaabutan ng palad ko ang pagsipa ni Raiko, but I could feel it on my tummy. I wanted to feel it from the outside so I made it a habit to place my palms on my belly, so that I wouldn’t miss the next time he kicks.
Naningkit ang mata ko sa siwang ng kuwarto nina Tita nang mapansing bukas iyon at may tao sa loob. Pinikit ko ang isang mata at lumapit para makita iyon nang mas malinaw. I was sure that Tito and Tita were both off to work.
Nang makilala ang likuran ni Ryo ay tuluyan ko nang binuksan ang pinto. Kasabay ng pagtawag ko sa kaniya ay ang malakas at malutong niyang pagmumura. My eyes drifted to the camera he’s holding.
“Frankie!” gulat na gulat iyon. Nagmamadali niyang inayos ang DSLR at binalik sa camera bag. “Kung nabagsak ko ’to, patay ako kay Mommy!”
“What are you doing here? I was looking for you,” I said. Kumunot ang noo ko nang halos magkandarapa siya sa pagtakbo papunta sa dulo ng kuwarto at ilagay iyong camera sa cabinet. Ano ba’ng ginagawa niya ro’n at ba’t parang tinatago niya pa sa ’kin?
Pinagpag niya ang kamay sa shorts na suot pagkatapos. Humakbang na ako palabas ng kuwarto dahil lumabas na rin siya at isinara ang pinto. I raised a brow at him dahil mukha siyang nahuli na may ginawang krimen dahil sa hitsura niya. Napangiwi ako nang samaan niya ako ng tingin e wala naman akong ginagawa.
“Bakit? Gutom ka na naman?” tanong niya.
Nagpantig ata ang tainga ko nang marinig iyon. Pakiramdam ko tuloy e tingin niya’y ang ginagawa ko lang sa buong maghapon ay kumain nang kumain!
“I was thinking na ayusin na natin ’yung pinamili natin,” I said through gritted teeth, nagpipigil dahil ayaw kong ma-stress. Kapag naman talaga si Ryo ang kasama mo, matututo kang magpahaba ng pasensya. Dahil kung hindi, maaga ka talagang tatanda sa kakulitan niya.
“Ba’t ka nakahawak sa tiyan mo? May masakit ba?” kunot-noo niyang tanong habang naglalakad kami papunta sa kuwarto niya.
“No, but I wanna feel Raiko’s movement,” I answered. Mabilis na pumihit ang kaniyang ulo paharap sa ’kin nang marinig ’yon. His eyes were wide as if I told him a government secret. “He’s been moving a lot lately,” I added and his lips parted.
His eyes kept on blinking at me but he didn’t say a word. Lihim akong napangiti sa reaksiyon niya. Hindi niya pa nga nararamdaman, ganiyan na siya kung maka-react, pa’no na lang ’pag siya mismo ang nakaramdam? Baka pumalahaw na siya sa sahig.
I sat on his bed the moment we got in. Just like I thought, the shopping bags remained untouched and were sitting on one corner of his room. He pulled it over to my direction and sat beside me as he removed the tapes and strings.
“Palalabhan ko na ’yan. Bilinan ko na lang silang itago kay Mommy,” aniya. He handed me one of the paper bags and I pulled out the plastics of layettes. The other shopping bag contained diapers and other essentials.
Ryo picked up one of the receiving blankets with hood then he went out. My brows furrowed at that, dahil sa’n niya iyon dadalhin? Ano’ng gagawin niya ro’n? Iiyakan niya ba ’yon kaya siya lumabas?
Imbes na pag-isipan pa iyon, I took that opportunity to look for receipts while he’s out. I emptied all the shopping bags and looked at all the packagings pero wala na ang mga tags at resibo. Kahit ata hindi niya pa ginagalaw ang mga laman e nag-effort na siyang tanggalin ang mga price tag at resibo. Tanda ko naman ’yung presyo ng iba pero hindi ako makakapag-compute dahil mas marami iyong hindi ko na maalala. Ugali na talaga ni Ryo na pagtaguan ako ng resibo.
He told me before that he doesn’t like it when I worry about money and paying back. Sabi ko sa kaniya e babayaran ko ’yong kalahati, tutal ay ako pa rin naman ang nanay ng bata. It’s only fair that we split up the expenses, dahil sobra-sobra na nga ’tong sa kanila ako nakatira, hatid-sundo, at pakain pa. Noong Valentine’s e naitanong ko rin sa kaniya kung bakit sobra iyong pinadalang pera sa bahay pero ayaw niya akong sagutin.
When Ryo came back, he was holding a small teddy bear. It looked familiar and I felt like I saw it in Raianne’s room. Bakit niya iyon kinuha? Paniguradong mag-aaway sila mamaya kapag nalaman ni Raianne na pinakialaman ng kuya niya ang mga gamit niya.
Hindi ko na lang siya pinansin sa kung anomang trip niya. Naging abala na lang ako sa pag-aayos ng damit ni Raiko. When I saw him from the side of my eye, dressing up the teddy bear with the yellow blanket we bought, he caught my attention. Pinanood ko siyang bihisan iyong teddy bear at sinuotan niya pa ng hood. He then stood up and carried that bear like it’s a newborn baby. Hinele-hele niya pa iyon na parang pinapatulog.
My heart swelled with happiness upon seeing him like this. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang unang gagawin, kung mangingiti ba at tatawa o maluluha. My emotions and hormones were all over the place so I decided to avert my gaze and go back to folding clothes, but my eyes kept on coming back to him. I wanted to scold him or something, dahil imbes na tulungan niya akong mag-ayos e naglalaro lang siya, but he just looked so happy that I didn’t want to ruin it.
And I liked seeing Ryo happy.
Laruan pa lamang iyong hawak niya, paano pa kaya kapag buhat na niya si Raiko? Kinukuhanan siya ng larawan ng mga mata ko, at palagi na siyang nakapaskil sa ’king isip.
Umurong ang mababaw kong luha ng tuwa nang bigla siyang umikot, pinalusot ’yong teddy bear sa pagitan ng kaniyang mga binti, at bigla iyong shinoot na parang bola kaya bumagsak iyon sa kama. I ended up bursting into laughter. I caught one side of his lips rising playfully.
My chuckles faded when he looked at me. I involuntarily held my breath as his tender stares lingered on my face. Parang nakahinga lang ako nang maluwag nang umiwas siya para damputin iyong teddy bear. I shook my head to myself and continued folding the clothes, including Tito and Raianne’s Christmas gifts. That was awkward. Bawal ba akong tumawa nang gano’n ’pag kami lang dalawa? If there were official guidelines for couples who broke up, I’m sure ang dami na naming violations.
“Nga pala, alam na ba ng mga magulang mo?” he asked and sat beside me. He maintained distance. Inalis na niya iyong blanket sa teddy bear at inabot sa akin.
Umiling ako. “No… Kinakabahan nga ako e.”
“Tanggap nila ’yang si Raiko. Apo pa rin naman nila ’yan,” he assured me. He picked up the stack of clothes I neatly folded and placed it back on the paper bag.
“I wasn’t worrying about that,” I whispered, dahil sure akong magugulat man sila at mapagagalitan siguro ako, mabubura iyon agad ’pag nakita na nila si Raiko.
“I am more worried about your family meeting mine.” Sa lahat ng bersiyon ng pag-iimagine ko no’n, lahat ay magulo.
I glanced at Ryo. His lips were now pursed on a tight, straight line. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba naiinis na rin siya sa magulang ko, o dahil kinakabahan din siya. For sure nagmarka sa utak niya ’yong may bitbit siyang ilang kilo ng kahoy at nilakad niya lang.
“Bakit? Mahaba naman pasensya ko sa tatay mo. Saka gets ko bakit siya gano’n sa ’yo, gano’n din naman ako kahigpit kay Raianne, e.”
“This is a different story, Ryo. You got me pregnant, we’re having a child and we’re not even together anymore. Alam mo namang conservative masyado isip ng mga tao ro’n,” paliwanag ko. It’s not like they’re going to disown me, pero ramdam kong lalala ang disgusto ni Tatay kay Ryo. Ang hirap pa naman paliwanagan nu’n.
“Hindi ko naman kayo tatakbuhan, ah,” bubulong-bulong niyang sabi, and I felt terrible that my father views him in a bad light, gayong kita ko naman ’yung efforts ni Ryo.
“Yeah, but we’re not married,” sabi ko. Natahimik kami roon at tumikhim ako. Awkward bang binanggit ko iyon? “And you know my family, lalo na si Tatay…”
He chuckled, but I didn’t pick up any humor from that. “Ah, ayaw nga pala nila sa ’kin.”
My heart felt heavy upon hearing that. I know that he loves his family, pero alam ko rin ang hirap na dinadala niya dahil lang sa pamilya niya, at kung gaano siya nagpupursiging patunayan ang sarili niya. Initially, my father was very dubious on his intentions with me because he came from a rich family. Lalo na sa amin na laganap ’yong kuwento, chismis man o totoo, ng mga may napapangasawang mayaman pero iniiwan din naman pagkatapos makuha ang gusto, kaya sobrang praning ni Tatay sa kaniya.
“It doesn’t matter, Ryo. Wouldn’t change the fact that you’re Raiko’s father.” I didn’t know what to say to make him feel better. Hindi naman na niya kailangang i-please ang magulang ko dahil hindi naman na kami. It’s not healthy for him to always be bothered by my parent’s comments. Ang mahalaga e maging mabuti siyang tatay kay Raiko, that’s all I ask.
Natawa lamang siya ulit do’n. He helped me with sorting Raiko’s things, pero hindi na ulit bumalik ’yung masaya n’yang mood kanina. I didn’t want to leave him looking like that pero parang may mali naman kung magtitigil ako sa kuwarto niya nang wala namang pakay, so I left.
When Nate called me, asking if I wanted to go to dinner with him and our college schoolmates who would get married next week, I had to decline. Gulat pa ako ro’n sa ikakasal na agad. Parang ang dami biglang kinakasal sa paligid ko. Even the cover for our March issue are young stars who got married early.
“Ah, lagi kong nakakalimutan na malapit na due mo,” Nate said with a chuckle. “Inasikaso mo na ba ’yung sa leave mo?”
“Yup, Cali’s helping me with that,” I paused, “Do you still need anything?”
“Busy ka ba?” he asked.
“No,” I answered and regretted it immediately. Should I have said yes, para may rason na tapusin ang tawag? It’s not like I don’t like Nate, but sabi nga ni Cali sa ’kin, I might lead him on. Though feeling ko naman, hindi si Nate ’yung tipong sisisihin ako ’pag wala siyang chance sa ’kin. Hindi nga nagbago ang pakikitungo niya sa ’kin no’ng nalaman niyang buntis ako.
“Nate,” nangangapa kong tawag sa pangalan niya.
“Yes?”
“Are you like… asking me out?”
He chuckled. “We’re friends, Frankie. Saka naka-move on na ako sa ’yo three years ago!”
Para akong nabunutan ng tinik nang marinig iyon. Ako pa nga ata ang nahiya sa pag-a-assume na may binabalak siya sa ’kin.
“But I’m not going to lie, I tried to shoot my shot months ago. Alam mo naman ’yon. Pero nakita ko si Ryo,” napatawa siya roon, “kaya sabi ko, ’wag na. Hanggang friends nga lang ata talaga tayo.”
“Hindi naman factor si Ryo, but still, sorry,” nahihiya kong sabi. Bahagyang gumaan na ang usapan namin. Baka nga all this time, nasa akin lang ang tensyon sa takot na baka mapaasa ko si Nate. He was just being nice.
“Ingat kayo lagi ng baby mo. Gusto ko sanang mag-ninong, kaso baka diretso lamay ako ’pag nakita ako ni Ryo sa binyag,” natatawa niyang sabi.
When dinner time came, tinawag ako ni Ryo at sabay kaming bumaba. My hands were still searching for any fetal movement. Nauna na kaming kumain dahil gagabihin daw masyado ang mga tao sa bahay.
Kutsara lamang ang gamit ko sa pagkain dahil ang isang kamay ko’y ayaw kong alisin sa aking tiyan. I could feel some light movement inside, pero wala sa labas. I felt like any moment now, there would be a kick. Pakiramdam ko lang namaan iyon, pero para na rin makasigurado.
At ’yon na nga. Halos mabulunan ako sa kinakain nang maramdaman ang sipa ni Raiko sa may ibabang parte ng tiyan ko. Nagmamadali si Ryo na kumuha ng tubig para isalin, at halos mabitiwan niya ang lalagyan ng tubig na hawak niya dahil hinigit ko ang isang kamay niya at walang imik na nilagay sa may tiyan ko.
Hindi naman siya masakit ngunit ramdam na ramdam ko na iyon lalo na nang umulit sa ikatlong beses. Napamura roon si Ryo at sigurado akong naramdaman niya iyon. We stayed in that position for few more seconds pero hindi na iyon nasundan. Agad kong binitiwan ang kamay niya ngunit nagtagal pa iyon sa tiyan ko na parang ayaw na niyang tanggalin.
“Hindi ba ’yon masakit?” alalang tanong niya. He looked amazed and worried at the same time.
“Hindi naman,” sagot ko at tumikhim. Ininom ko iyong tubig sa baso ko na kalalagay lang niya. Parang ngayon lang nag-sink in sa ’kin na hinablot ko iyong kamay niya. Hindi ko naman iyon dapat pag-isipan dahil wala naman ’yong malisya.
Bumalik kami sa katahimikan. Someone cleaned up the table after we finished eating at sabay na ulit kaming umakyat. Pasimple ko siyang tinitingnan at mukhang tuloy naman ang buhay para sa kaniya at didiretso na sa kuwarto niya.
“Ryo,” tawag ko sa kaniya bago pa man siya makalayo sa kuwarto ko.
He looked over his shoulders and raised a brow at me. “Bakit?”
“Nate called me a while ago to have dinner,” sabi ko na ’di ko rin alam kung para sa’n.
Tuluyan niya akong hinarap. Blangko lang ang mukha niya bago humugot ng malalim na hininga at tumango. “Kuhanin ko susi ko, hatid kita.”
I immediately shook my head. “Hindi ako pumayag.”
Mabagal siyang kumurap at umangat ang parehas na kilay. Parang naobliga akong dugtungan iyon dahil, ano nga namang pakialam niya e hindi naman pala ako pumayag?
“May gagawin ka ba?” pahabol kong tanong.
“Manonood ng movie.”
“Can I join you?” Mabilis na naglaho ang kalmado niyang hitsura. Hindi niya nagawang itago sa ’kin ang panlalaki ng mata niya at eskandalosong tingin sa ’kin. I gulped hard and tried to keep a straight face. Nonood lang naman kami! Wala rin naman akong gagawin kaya ako nagtanong kung puwedeng sumama.
“O, sige…” alangan niya pang sagot. Pa’no ba naman kasi, tuwing manonood kami ng movie, sa apartment man, dito sa kanila, o sa sinehan sa mall, laging may nangyayaring kung ano. Hindi naman siguro lagi, mga four out of five times lang. Wala naman akong kasalanan do’n dahil siya ’yung malikot ang kamay!
Sa salas kami nanood. Wala naman akong problema doon, kaysa naman sa kuwarto niya! Wala na talaga akong tiwala na maiwan nang kaming dalawa lang tapos walang pinagkakaabalahan, dahil baka ma-bore si Ryo, o ma-bore ako, at kung ano-ano na ang mangyari.
He threw three huge pillows on the couch and I assumed that two of them were for me. Ginawa kong sandalan ang isa at ang isa pa’y niyakap ko.
“Baka lamigin ka,” aniya at inabutan ako ng kumot. I wrapped it around me and he vanished again. Pagbalik niya ay may dala siyang mangkok ng ubas.
Si Ryo ang may hawak ng remote at nagtitingin ng pelikula. The bowl of grapes was sitting on his lap kaya hindi ako makakuha. ’Di ko nga alam kung sinasadya niya ba iyon o ano e.
“Those two are married,” sabi ko nang tumapat do’n sa pelikula ng iko-cover namin para sa next month.
“Talaga?”
“Yep,” I nodded, “Secretly. Next month pa ata ipa-publicize.”
Nilipat na niya iyon sa ibang pelikula. I’m not sure if he’s looking for a movie to watch, o ako ba ang hinihintay niyang magsabi.
“Ah, buti pa sila.”
Umangat ang isa kong kilay roon. Those two are very young, but I’m not judging them. Baka kasi ako lang din ang nag-iisip na bata pa sila. Saka may upcoming movie rin sila, kaya hindi ako sure kung totoo ba ’yung kasal o ginamit lang para sa publicity stunt.
“Why? You want to marry Talie already?” the words came out of my mouth without my mind processing it.
Ilang segundo bago ko matanto kung ga’no kabigat iyong tinanong ko kay Ryo. I glanced at him because he froze, too, dahil ’di na gumagalaw iyong movies sa screen. It’s either natigilan din siya o gusto niya talagang panoorin ’yong horror film na tinigilan niya.
Babawiin ko pa lamang ’yon ngunit nakasagot na siya, “Hindi ako magpapakasal dahil sa trip ko lang.” Seryoso ang pagkakaaabi niya no’n.
Tumikhim ako. “Yeah, you need a lot of preparation to do—event planners and all that.”
He snorted. “Hindi rin. Kahit naman anong klaseng kasal, basta ba sa mahal ko, okay na.”
And that was… my reminder to shut up. Baka mamaya, kung saang usapan kami mapunta at mahirap na. I wanted to tease him for sounding cheesy, pero parang hindi ko iyon puwedeng gawin.
“Gano’n ’yon, Frankie. Besides, Talie’s not even my girlfriend, why would I marry her?” At talagang dinugtungan niya pa! Hindi ko alam kung hinahamon niya ba akong patulan ’yong usapan namin o ano e.
I took a deep breath and remained silent. Though I could feel him giving me stares from time to time, nanatili ang mata ko sa screen. I had seen this move already but I pretended to be engrossed on the scenes as an excuse to not look his way. Bumabalik na ba ang kapal ng mukha niya kaya siya ganiyan? Wala na ’yong hiya-hiyang sinasabi niya? Delikado na ata ulit ang pasensya ko.
“Sure ka bang ’di ka pupunta do’n sa lakad niyo ni Nate? Maaga pa naman. Hahatid naman kita,” aniya.
I don’t even know why he brought that up when we’re thirty minutes through with the movie. Sobrang out of place. Puwede ko bang isipin na naghahanap lang siya ng excuse na mag-usap kami? I feel like we both don’t like the movie and we’re just using it to make the atmosphere less awkward.
“I’m not going.” Sinagot ko pa rin naman ang tanong niya.
“Bakit hindi?”
Hindi ko na napigilang lingunin siya. His eyes were on the screen, but I was sure na nakatingin siya sa ’kin kanina.
“Why? You want me to go?” I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation.
Saglit na dumapo sa ’kin ang tingin niya. “Bakit mo ’ko tinatanong? Buhay mo naman yan. Hatid na lang kita.”
God, this conversation sounded familiar. Revenge time ba niya ito?
“I’m too… tired,” was my excuse.
For some reason, I felt like I couldn’t tell him the truth: which was because I simply didn’t want to go. That answer wouldn’t please him at pakiramdam ko, kukulitin niya ako nang kukulitin. I’m starting to think that there’s an exact answer he wanted to hear from me at ’di siya titigil hangga’t ’di niya nakukuha yon. Ano ba’ng gusto niya? Na sabihan ko rin siya ng, wala ka naman do’n, kaya bakit ako pupunta?
In his dreams.
“Tulog na tayo?”
Maybe my ears were playing with me but that sounded too malambing for my liking, maybe because I had associated that term with something else. Kasalanan talaga ni Ryo ’to e!
Napalingon siya sa akin. Probably noticing the horror on my face, mukhang nakuha niya kung ano ang iniisip ko. His eyes widened at that at muntik nang mahulog sa sahig ang ubas na nakaipit sa ngipin niya. Nasambot niya naman iyon.
“I mean, tulog ka sa kuwarto mo tapos tulog ako sa kuwrato ko,” bubulong-bulong niyang sabi bago umiwas ng tingin.
Napahinga ako nang malalim. Why do I feel like this movie watching thing was a bad idea?
“Later.”
We both fell silent. Tuluyan nang nawala sa pelikula ang atensyon ko at hindi ko alam kung gano’n din siya. I stole a quick glance at his direction and luckily, nasa screen pa rin ang tingin niya. Panay ang pitas niya sa ubas nang hindi inaalis ang tingin sa screen at hindi man lang ako naisip na alukin.
Fuck me for letting my eyes wander. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kaniyang labi nang ipitin niya ang isang ubas doon. His lips were moist and very, very inviting. It took so much willpower and self-restraint to not touch it.
Hindi ako sigurado kung lumapit ba siya, o ako ang lumapit, o sadyang sa labi lang niya nakapukol ang tingin ko kaya pakiramdam ko’y ang linaw-linaw at ang lapit-lapit no’n sa paningin ko. Nag-ipit siya muli ng ubas sa pagitan ng labi niya. Napakurap-kurap ako at napabalik sa ulirat nang mapansing umangat ang gilid ng kaniyang labi.
Nang iangat ko ang tingin sa kaniya ay nahuli ko siyang nakatignin sa ’kin. His meaningful grin and the devious glint on his eyes was a hard slap on my face. Nanuyo ata ang lalamunan ko at gusto ko na lang mag-teleport papunta sa kuwarto dahil sa hiya.
He caught me looking! Oh my god!
“Sorry, I zoned out,” mabilis kong sabi at agad na umiwas ng tingin, pretending that I’m not freaking out inside.
“May kailangan ka ba?” Anong klaseng tanong ’yon?
I clicked my tongue. Nang-aasar talaga ’to.
“Wala.”
“Nakatitig ka nga sa ’kin.”
“Hindi, a,” I managed to say. Kahit na huling-huli na naman ako! Nakakahiya talaga!
Kahit sa gilid lang ng mata ko ay kitang-kita ko pa rin ang lapad ng ngisi at ningning ng mata niya.
“Nakatitig ka sa labi ko,” he said confidently, at hindi na ako nagtaka kung sa’n nanggaling ang lakas ng loob niya dahil nahuli nga ako!
“You’re imagining things,” pilit ko pa ring pagdedepensa sa sarili.
“O kumuha ka na, baka kasi ’yung grapes tinitingnan mo e,” aniya at nilapag ang mangkok sa mesa sa tapat ko. Rinig na rinig ko ang pambubuwisit sa tono ng pananalita niya sa ’kin. God. For how long would he use this against me?
“Ayoko,” mariin kong pagtanggi kahit na kanina ko pa gustong kumuha. For my pride.
“Sure ka? Ang sarap pa naman,” gatong niya bago kumuha ulit.
Talagang in-exaggerate niya pa ang pagkain niya no’n. I could hear him making moaning noises while eating, at panay pa ang comment niya na ang sarap daw nung ubas. Maya-maya lang ay may inilapit siyang piraso sa bibig ko kaya iritable akong lumayo.
“Arte nito. Kain na kasi,” natatawa niyang sabi. I rolled my eyes and grabbed it from his hold before popping it in my mouth.
He shook his head in amusement. Kahit na sinunod ko na iyong gusto niya na kumain ay hindi pa rin siya natigil kaka-ungol niya dahil sa kinakain. My insides and the ends of my fingertips felt cold but my cheeks were on fire because of his noises. Baka mamaya ay may makarinig sa kaniya at isiping kung ano ang ginagawa namin dito sa salas!
Nasaway ko siya nang sundutin niya ang pisngi ko gamit ang kaniyang hintuturo. I’m sure they’re red as hell now.
He chuckled loudly. “Umayos ka nga. Hitsura mo e. Baka mamaya… akalain kong may feelings ka pa sa ’kin.
“Tapos… maniwala ako.”
Chapter 13: Blind Item
hhfm13 chapter 13: Blind Item
“Good morning po,” bati ko sa kanilang lahat na nasa hapag. Nobody responded yet all of their eyes were on me.
Ryo pulled out my chair for me. Saglit ko lang siyang tinapunan ng tingin pero mabilis siyang umiwas. He gulped hard before settling on his seat. My eyes roamed around to scan the faces of everyone on the table. Tito Finn managed to smile at me, but I knew that something was off. They were all acting stiff and strange.
And here I was, pretending to not have a single idea on why they were acting this way. Ilang segundo pa bago ako nabati ni Tita pabalik. I actually found it amusing to see her like this, parang nagpipigil ng pagkabahala. I could sense the tension in the air, but I pretended to not notice it.
Ryo was so bad at acting though, o siguro’y sadyang memoryado ko na siya kaya alam ko na kung kailan siya kinakabahan at nagpapanggap lang na composed. He couldn’t look me in the eye and he seemed so stressed out. Ipupusta ko lahat ng pagmamay-ari ko na napagalitan siya kaninang umaga. Baka nga sermon ni Tita ang almusal niya kaya mukha siyang pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa.
I could also feel them looking at me from time to time while we were eating. Mas awkward dahil halos walang nagsasalita. Usually, they would talk about work, o kaya e ’yung pag-aaral ni Raianne dahil siya ang graduating. Kahit anong bagay, basta hindi sila natatahimik. Hindi naman sila nakaririndi kaya ayos lang sa ’kin. Pero ngayon, kahit nga pagtama ng kutsara sa plato, wala kang maririnig.
“You’re going to work today, right, Frankie?” tanong iyon ni Tita.
“Yes po,” I answered. Nang lingunin ko siya ay halos agaran din siyang umiwas ng tingin. I shook my head in amusement. Mana-mana lang talaga sila.
And that was the end of conversation. Tahimik na ulit silang lahat. Pagkatapos kumain ay umakyat muna ulit ako para mag-toothbrush at ihanda ang gamit ko.
Alam ko naman kung bakit sila gano’n. Maybe they really thought that I didn’t have any idea on what’s going on, at takot lang silang magtanong kung may alam ba ako… o alam na nila na alam ko na kaya nangingilag sila. Imposible naman kasing hindi ko malaman iyon dahil una sa lahat, kaibigan ko si Cali na patalon-talon ng department at source ng all-around tsismis. Lalo na kapag tungkol kay Ryo, feeling niya pa naman ay kailangan niya akong i-inform kaya naman halos lahat ng papasok na balita, alam ko na agad.
Besides, ang gumising sa ’kin kaninang umaga ay ang boses ni Tita. Sa lakas ba naman ng pagkakasbai niya ng, “Nakakahiya kay Frankie!” imposibleng hindi ako maintriga at alamin kung tungkol sa’n iyon. Right after my alarm went off, Cali called me and told me what happened.
Kaya imbes na maligo muna pagkagising, binuksan ko agad ang laptop ko para i-check ’yung sinabi niya. When I found out about that blind item, hindi ko alam kung matatawa ba ako o maiinsulto. Based on their past published articles, lagi silang tumatama sa mga pa-blind item nila. For this one, maling-mali. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa hindi naman ako artista at hindi importante kaya sala-sala ang info nila, o sinadya nilang gano’ng anggulo ang gawin sa storya.
I told Ryo already that we couldn’t go out in peace during Valentine’s. Kahit sabihin pa naming sa mall na pang-mayaman-kuno niya ako dalhin, hindi talaga puwedeng lumabas kami nang kampanteng walang makakikita o may pakialam sa ’min. It had been that way since college, the reason why we preferred staying indoors. Ayaw ko ng lagi kaming minamanmanan. I value my privacy with Ryo.
Kaso siya, masyado siyang naging kampante. He just wore a cap and brought a different car at okay na ’yon para sa kaniya. He assured me that it’s fine though, that we go out like that. Ngayon tuloy ay napag-isip-isip kong baka kinumbinsi niya lang ako nang todo dahil muntik na akong mag-back out. Una, dahil tinamaan ako ng hiya na niyaya ko siyang lumabas. Sunod ay dahil nga sa hindi ’safe’ na lumabas kami. Puwede naman kaming lumabas sa ibang araw.
And then, boom, an article published this morning had our picture posted. Blurred iyon, lalo na sa parte ko, siguro dahil hindi nga ako… relevant o public figure. But anyone who knew Ryo by heart would know that it’s him standing beside me, in front of the crib we were then eyeing to buy. Matindi ang pagkaka-blur ng picture, pero dahil sa kasamang write-up, medyo obvious na ’yon. It’s just a matter of a few hours before people start on speculating that it’s Ryo.
I wouldn’t deny that that threw me off. What’s worse was that I was labelled as the player’s one night stand, na nabuntis daw, tapos ay paninindigan na lang para manahimik dahil ikasisira raw ng long-term secret relationship nila ng isang model slash host.
Everything about the article made my head hurt. Sobrang mali at gusot ng pagkakakuwento. S’yempre, nainsulto ako. Bukod sa ni-label-an na nga nila akong naka-one night stand lang ni Ryo, binigyan pa nila ng ibang long-term girlfriend-kuno ang ex ko. Ex ko nga e, edi ako ’yung dating long-term girlfriend. God. Sino ba’ng nagsulat nito at hindi man lang nag-fact-check?
I just didn’t want to bring it up because I didn’t want anyone in this house to be sorry. Wala naman silang kasalanan. Alam naman nila ang tunay na kuwento, at hindi naman sila para maniwala sa gano’ng article gayong hindi naman kami naglihim ni Ryo sa kanilang lahat.
Pagkababa ko ay nakita ko si Ryo sa tapat ng sasakyan niya. He was scratching the back of his head, at kahit na malaki ang tangkad niya kay Tita, halata kong nanliliit siya sa paraan ng pagkakatungo niya. I stopped on my tracks because it might be a mother-and-son thing and I didn’t want to meddle. Basing on Tita’s stance and the sharpness of her eyes, mukha nga siyang galit. At alam kong ang dapat kong gawin ay dumistansya kapag gano’n.
Sandali lang naman silang nag-usap. Nang mapalingon sa ’kin si Tita ay bahagyang kumalma ang mukha niya. She gave me a small smile which I hesitantly returned before leaving us there. Pumaling ang tingin ko kay Ryo na kakamot-kamot pa rin sa likuran ng ulo. Gisadong-gisado ba naman sa nanay niya. Before and after breakfast, may sermon. Kawawa naman.
“Napagalitan ka?” tanong ko sa kaniya pagkalapit. He clicked his tongue at lalo lang bumusangot ang mukha. Pinagbuksan niya ako ng pinto at inalalayang pumasok sa front seat.
Ilang beses na niya akong pinilit na sa likuran na sumakay pero ayaw ko. Nagkasundo na lang kami na isagad ang pagkaka-recline ng uupuan ko.
Minanmanan ko siya habang nagmamaneho. I was waiting if he would bring up the topic about the dumb article pero wala. Baka nahihiya nga. Si Tita nga, nahiya e. Siya pa kaya. Ang kapal naman ng mukha niya kung hindi siya mahihiya sa ’kin.
“Nasa’n nga pala ’yung damit ni Raiko?” tanong ko dahil ayaw kong tahimik kami. It’s weird.
“Nasa kuwarto ko lang, tinatago ko kasi kay Mommy. Nalaman niyang pinalabhan ko na e,” sagot niya.
Palapit na nang palapit ang due ko. Kaya naman todo-todo ang pag-iingat ko sa sarili. ’Yung paa ko, nagmukhang vinulcanize na nga. Kahit ayaw ko e naka-slip on open-toe sandals lang ako at kitang-kita ang hitsura no’n. I’m not sure if it’s my mood playing with me, but to me they looked hideous. Cali said na hindi naman daw ako gaanong ka-manas, sadyang sanay lang akong manipis ako tingnan kaya naninibago ako.
“Ah, shit.” Napalingon ako sa kaniya. Natampal niya ang kaniyang noo sa kalagitnaan ng traffic.
My brows met. “Why?”
“May pinabibili nga pala sa ’kin si Rai, e uuwi ata ’yon nang tanghali,” aniya.
“Puwede naman nating daanan, hindi naman ako male-late,” I suggested kahit na hindi ako sure kung hindi talaga ako male-late. Saglit niya akong tinapunan ng tingin.
I once again noticed the uneasiness on his eyes. Parang tanga kasi. If he wanted to ask kung alam ko na ’yung tungkol sa article, puwede naman. Sasagot naman ako nang ayos. At sasabihin kong wala akong pakialam basta’t hindi nila ilalabas ang pangalan at mukha ko.
“Sure ka, ha? Pero mabilis lang naman.” He picked up his cap from the backseat.
“Of course. Take your time,” I told him as we stopped in front of a book store. Ayaw ko nang lumabas dahil mangangalay lang ako. He grabbed his wallet and keys. Bago isara ang pinto ng sasakyan ay nilingon niya ulit ako. I raised both brows at him.
“Mabilis lang ako, promise,” sabi niya at bahagya akong natawa ro’n. Para naman akong batang mawawala na lang bigla. Kung bababa ako ng sasakyan, sure akong makikita niya ako agad. Hindi naman ako makatatakbo at mahahabol niya agad ako. Papagurin ko lang ang sarili ko.
“Okay. Dito lang ako,” tugon ko.
He blinked slowly at me. Ilang segundo siyang naro’n sa labas, hawak ang pinto ng sasakyan niya na parang hindi niya masara-sara.
“What?” I asked, brows furrowed, because he was unmoving. Mabagal siyang umiling. He sighed, at lalo lang nagsalubong ang kilay ko nang samaan niya ako ng tingin at medyo padabog na sinara ang pinto.
Napailing na lang ako. I watched as his figure entered the store.
Heavily tinted naman ang sasakyan niya pero sumilip pa rin ako sa paligid kung may nag-oobserba ba. I covered half of my face with the expandable folder I’m holding habang lumilinga. Mahirap na.
Mabilis nga lang si Ryo. Lalong naningkit ang mata niya dahil sa tirik ng araw kahit na naka-sumbrero na siya. I rolled my eyes when I caught myself looking down on his lips.
I couldn’t wait for this pregnancy to be over.
Binaon ko nang tuluyan ang mukha sa folder. Parang nag-iinit na naman ang mukha ko noong maalala ko ’yong nangyari no’ng nag-aya akong sumama sa kaniyang manood ng pelikula sa salas. Ang lakas niyang mang-asar talaga. Buti na nga lang at hindi na niya ’yon naaalala, o baka naman hindi na lang niya binabanggit dahil malapit na ang due ko at natatakot siyang ma-stress ako sa kaniya at isumbong ko na naman siya kay Doktora.
“Ang lapit naman,” puna ko dahil kulang na lang ata e ipasok niya ’yung kotse niya sa building sa lapit ng tinigilan niya.
“Para ’di ka na maglalakad masyado,” tugon niya. “Wala ka bang lunch? Kanina ko pa napapansing ang kaunti ng dala mo e.”
Saka ko lang ’yon naalala at ngayon lang napansin na handbag ko lang at folder ang dala ko.
“Oo nga, naiwan ko ata sa kitchen?” Sana hindi ’yon makita ni Tita. Baka isipin pa no’ng sinadya ko ’yong iwanan dahil nagtatampo ako gawa nung article.
“Tsk. Sabi ko kasi i-check mo lagi gamit mo bago aalis e,” napakamot siya sa likuran ng kaniyang ulo, “Babalikan ko na lang. Hatid ko sa ’yo.”
“Okay lang. I would just eat with Cali and Nate,” agap ko. Sayang naman sa gas kung babalikan niya pa ’ko para do’n lang. Mapapagod pati siya kakapabalik-balik.
He frowned. Hindi ko na sure kung dahil ba ’yon sa pagkain ko o dahil sa nabanggit ko si Nate. Feeling ko minsan, buntis din siya e. ’Yung tipong mabanggit lang si Nate nag-aalburoto na.
“Puwede ko ngang ihatid sa ’yo—”
“Baka may makakita sa ’yo, magtataka ano’ng ginagawa mo rito,” I cut him off.
Napalunok siya roon bago lumalim ang simangot.
Natahimik siya. Tiklop.
“Sorry,” he whispered. Alam ko na agad na hindi lang ’yon dahil sa pangungulit niya. Maybe we both just didn’t want to say it dahil parehas naming ayaw pag-usapan ’yung model slash host na tinutukoy do’n. At dahil nga bawal ako ma-stress.
“It’s alright. Kakain naman ako, don’t worry,” I said before opening the door. Nakaabang siya sa may likuran ko. His right hand was also reaching for the door habang ang kaliwa’y naramdaman kong humaplos saglit sa ’king likuran.
Dire-diretso na akong pumasok at ’di na lumingon. I sighed before texting Cali. Hindi ako makaakyat. Pumasok sa isip ko na baka may nakabasa no’n at may nakapansin na ako ’yung kasama ni Ryo. Ang bilis pa naman kumalat ng balita rito. Ayaw ko namang ma-label-an na kagaya ng sinabi sa article.
* * *
“So bakit siya kasama?” tanong ni Cali at tinuro si Nate na nasa driver’s seat.
Nate only chuckled at that. Mula pa naman noon e hindi naman gaanong kastrikto ang aura niya. Kahit nga sa trabaho. Kaya siguro sa ilang naging art directors namin, siguro dalawa ’yung nagka-crush sa kaniya. Kahit sa interns, feel ko matunog siya. You could feel his authority but his overall vibe remained light.
“He’s our friend?” sagot ko kay Cali. I invited him because I felt bad for accusing him of hitting on me, saka sa awkward kong pagtrato sa kaniya when he was just being a friend.
Saka ba’t pa ba nagtatanong si Cali e si Nate nga ang manlilibre sa ’min, at siya rin ang may sagot ng sasakyan. Ewan ko ba rito sa isang ’to.
Hindi kami sa office kumain dahil baka ma-issue pa na kasama namin siya at kaunti lang kami. Instead, we decided to eat out. Sabi ni Nate ay libre raw niya. I had to drag Cali. Kaunti na lang ay iisipin kong sinaniban siya ni Ryo dahil ayaw niya rin kay Nate.
Hanggang sa makahanap kami ng table ay matalim ang tingin ni Cali sa kaniya. I let Nate decide on what I would eat. Si Cali na parang kanina pa siya pinapanood at parang naghihintay lang na may gawing masama si Nate, ay siya pa ngang maraming request.
“Gusto ko walang yelo ’yung iced tea,” pahabol ni Cali habang nagko-compute ako sa isip ko kung magkano iyong in-order niya.
Natawa si Nate doon. “Pa’no magiging iced tea ’yon kung walang yelo?”
I stifled a laugh because I didn’t want to get on Cali’s nerves. Lumabas naman ang pangil nitong isa at padabog na tumayo.
“Sasama na nga lang ako!” aniya na parang kami lang ang tao rito sa food court. Nate glanced at me and I just shrugged. Malay ko ro’n. Baka time of the month kaya gano’n kasungit. I shooed him with my hand dahil hindi naman ako mapapahamak kung nakaupo lang ako rito.
Hindi pa nila parehas nauungkat ’yong tungkol sa blind item kaninang umaga. It’s either iniiwasan nila ’yung topic dahil baka sumama ang mood ko o sadyang hindi lang talaga nila iniisip. Nang makabalik sila ay padabog pa ring umupo si Cali sa tapat ko at si Nate ang may hawak ng tray. May isa pang tray na naiwan do’n sa binilhan at hindi man lang talaga siya tinulungan ni Cali. Mukha namang hindi pa napipikon si Nate sa kaniya dahil nakangiti pa rin ’to.
“Just so you know, Team Ryo ako, ha?” pabulong na sabi ni Cali bago kumain. Napailing na lang ako. Kaya sila magkasundo ni Ryo e.
“Wala namang competition. Ninong na nga ako,” sagot ni Nate. I glanced at Cali at naabutan ko siyang masama ang tingin sa ’kin. What?
Wala pa naman talaga akong napag-iisipan na mga ninong at ninang. Uunahin ko pa ba ’yon? Ang iniisip ko e pa’no ’ko uuwi, at kung ga’no kasakit ba manganak!
“Ba’t mo gagawing ninong ’yan?”
“Aba, bakit hindi?” sabat ni Nate.
Malalim ang simangot ni Cali sa direksyon niya. Parang hindi man nga lang nila kino-consider na ako ’yung nanay, at sila ’tong mga pala-desisyon. Hindi ba counted ang opinion ko rito?
Hanggang sa matapos kaming kumain e hindi sila natapos sa usaping ’yon. Cali looked like Ryo’s representative. ’Yung tipong makikipaglaban talaga kahit wala naman nang dapat pag-usapan. Nate and I are friends and we made that clear already.
“Hindi talaga ako naniniwalang wala kang balak kay Frankie,” sabi ni Cali kaya naman nasaway ko siya. She pouted as she turned her head to look at me. I gave her a warning stare because that was too much. Nanatili lang namang nakangiti si Nate habang hinihintay namin ’yung pinabalot na mga pagkain. Ang dami kasing in-order ni Cali tapos hindi naman pala makakain.
“Hindi ka ba nawi-weirdo-han? He’s our boss,” bubulong-bulong niyang sabi. I looked at Nate and smiled apologetically. Umiling lang naman siya. He was about to say something pero dumating iyong pina-take out namin. Cali snatched it before he could get his hands on them.
“Akin na ’to, ’di ba? Libre?” mataray niyang sabi. Kahit na hindi kailangan e inasistehan pa rin ako ni Nate sa pagtayo.
“Oo, iyo na. Kainin mo ’yan, ha,” tugon ni Nate. Mabagal kaming naglalakad palabas sa parking dahil sa ’kin. Nang makarating sa may labas ay umuna na si Nate at tumakbo papunta sa sasakyan niya. Doon na lang niya kami pasasakayin sa may labasan.
“Ba’t ba ang sungit mo ro’n?” tanong ko kay Cali. I caught her rolling her eyes. She crossed her arms before facing me.
“Wala ba talagang balak sa ’yo ’yon? Ang weird naman na tayo lang sinasama niyang kumain, ’no.”
I shook my head. “We’re friends, Cali. Saka minsan kasama niya mag-lunch ’yung ibang staffers. Walang malisya ’yan.”
Napanguso siya roon. Hindi na siya nagsalita hanggang sa pumasok kami sa sasakyan. Nate eyed us through the rearview mirror. Sabay kaming napatawa nang mahuling umirap si Cali sa kaniya.
“Bakit ba ang sungit ni Miss Fernandez?” sabi ni Nate, halatang nang-aasar.
“Bakit ba ang ingay mo, Sir?” Cali responded in a mocking way, stressing the last word. Nakakatuwa silang pakinggang magtalo kaya hinayaan ko na lang. Mas okay nga atang hindi nila inungkat ’yong tungkol sa article na ’yon. Nakaka-stress lang din kasing isipin kung pa’no ’pag kumalat sa office ’yon tapos nalaman nilang ako ’yung tinutukoy? Mahirap pa ’yong lusutan kasi ako lang ang buntis sa department namin ngayon.
“You sound like we weren’t college friends,” natatawang sabi ni Nate. I nodded my head in agreement. Cali gasped in disbelief dahil hindi ko siya kinampihan. Her irrational annoyance with Nate made me feel like Ryo’s already taking her form.
Malapit na kami sa parking ng building namin pero hindi pa rin iyon tapos. “You sound as if we were close naman ’no!”
“What?!” nabiglang sabi ni Nate. “Ako nga ang first kiss mo e!”
Napakurap-kurap ako. Biglang natahimik sa buong sasakyan. Napasandal ako nang mas maayos at napahawak sa ’king tiyan. I glanced at Cali and she looked like she froze on her seat. Si Nate naman ay diretso na ang tingin sa daan. Sa kabado niyang hitsura e mukha siyang magpe-present ng kung ano sa superior niya.
“Oh, wow,” I muttered, breaking the silence. Ngayon ko lang ’yon nalaman! And to think na four years mahigit na rin kaming magkakakilala! Hindi naman umikot kay Ryo ang mundo ko no’ng college, kaya sigurado akong wala akong idea ro’n dahil hindi nagsabi sa ’kin si Cali. Sinadya niyang ilihim.
Malas na lang nila dahil sunod-sunod ang pumapasok sa parking at nakapila pa kami. Nagpabalik-balik ang mata ko sa kanilang dalawang tuluyan na atang napipi. Hindi ko napigilan ang matawa. Cali shifted uncomfortably on her place and kept on avoiding my stares. Oh my, god. Ang sakit nila sa ulo!
“Tara na, Frankie.” Hindi naman halatang nagmamadali si Cali. Natatawa pa rin ako sa hitsura nilang dalawa. Nate looked hesitant to leave the two of us gawa ko, pero mukha ring gusto na niyang kumaripas ng takbo papasok. Nagkunwari akong masakit ang likod kaya mabagal lalo ang lakad ko. Hanggnag sa makarating sa may tapat ng department namin ay hindi na nawala ang ngisi ko sa dalawa.
“Una na ako,” paalam sa ’min ni Nate.
Hindi nagsasalita si Cali kaya ako na ang sumagot, “Sige. Thank you sa lunch.”
When he was out of earshot, matalim kong tiningnan si Cali. Nagmamakaawa siyang tumingin sa ’kin na parang sinasabing ’wag na akong magtanong, pero hindi ako tatablan no’n.
“And I thought I was your best friend, huh?”
She clicked her tongue and even stomped her foot. “Ang tagal na kasi nu’n e! Ewan ko ba ba’t niya pa inungkat! Nakalimutan ko na nga!”
“And you didn’t tell me,” pakunwari’y nagtatampo kong sabi. She grunted and kept on stomping her foot repeatedly on the floor. Lumalagutok ang takong niya sa tiles.
“Next time na, Frankie. Promise,” aniya. Mukha siyang maiiyak na sa hiya kaya tumango na ako at natawa.
“Oo na nga.”
Her lips twisted. Ilang segundo kaming natahimik bago siya nagsalita ulit, “Okay ka lang?”
I pursed my lips. She didn’t clarify on what exactly she was talking about pero alam ko na iyon. “Yup. We all know the truth so, it doesn’t matter to me.”
That was what I thought.
Late na nang masundo ako ng driver nina Ryo. Siguro’y dahil sinama ulit ni Tito si Ryo sa trabaho o baka nagpapahinga iyong isa. Ayos lang naman dahil hindi naman ako nakatayong naghihintay sa sundo.
Pero naabutan ko si Ryo sa kusina pagkauwi ko. His shoulders jumped when I appeared on his side without saying anything. Naghihilamos siya habang may nakasalang.
“Nakauwi ka na pala,” aniya.
“Yup. Why are you cooking?” tanong ko at tiningala siya. His dark green shirt’s already soaked in sweat, o baka tilamsik ng tubig iyon dahil sa naghilamos siya. Lumayo ako sa may kalan dahil nasasangab ko nang bahagya ang init. I looked away when he lifted the end of his shirt to wipe the water on his face.
“Peace offering kay Mommy, galit na galit sa ’kin e,” sagot niya.
“Your shirt’s wet,” puna ko. “At ang init dito. Didn’t you turn on the exhaust fan?”
“Tinatamad akong magpalit, mamaya na lang pagkaligo ko.”
“Matutuyuan ka ng pawis,” sabi ko at napangibit. Kulang na lang e hawakan ko ang dila ko para patigilin ang sarili sa pagsasalita.
He raised a brow at me. “Ano? Maghuhubad ba ’ko? ’Yun ba ang gusto mo? Sabihin mo lang.”
Napanganga ako sa kaniya. I hit him with my handbag at natatawa lang niya iyong sinalag. Bakit ba biglang ang lakas ng loob niyang magsabi ng mga gano’n?
Biglaang pumasok sa isip ko iyong pang-aasar niya noong nanonood kaming movie. Natakot akong baka bigla niyang ungkatin ’yon kaya nagmamadali akong tumalikod at naglakad paalis.
“Hindi ka naman mabiro!” pahabol niyang sabi bago ako tuluyang makaalis. Ang kapal talaga ng mukha.
I decided to stay in my room. Kapag hindi ko siya kaharap, hindi kami makakapag-usap. Less talk, less mistake. Nagpahinga na lang ako at naligo. Tatawagin naman ako ng mga ’yon kapag dinner na.
I groaned when I noticed na wala nang laman iyong tubigan ko. Napansin kong madalas akong mauhaw, o baka dahil na rin sa ang bilis kong mapagod kapag naglalakad kaya gano’n. Nakalimutan kong refill-an bago umalis sa office kaya wala akong choice kundi bumaba para makakuha ng tubig. Alas siete na rin naman at malapit na rin sigurong umuwi sina Tita kaya ayos nang bumaba ako. I brought my phone with me before going down.
Nang makarating sa kusina ay pinuno ko agad ang tubigan ko. Naglalakad na ako papunta sa hagdan habang nagre-refresh ng e-mails pero napatigil nang makita si Ryo na gusot ang mukha at naglalakad nang padabog.
What made me stay in my position instead of heading upstairs was the sound of heels clinking on the floor. Hindi naka-heels si Ryo kaya hindi sa kaniya galing ang mga hakbang na gumagawa ng gano’ng tunog.
Napatigil ako sa pag-inom ng tubig nang makita iyong nasa likuran niya, ang pinagmumulan nung malulutong na tunog.
The model slash host. Alleged long-term girlfriend.
On her spaghetti strap black dress was Talie, who also froze upon seeing me. Nilingon siya ni Ryo ngunit nanatili ang tingin ni Talie sa ’kin. Imbes na maglakad ako paakyat ay paatras ang nagawa kong hakbang. Maybe it’s because of the way she looked at me. Eyes wide and observing. Sa suot kong dilaw na daster ay halata ang umbok ng tiyan ko. Nang bumaba ang tingin niya roon ay halos itago ko ang sarili. Why is she looking at me like that?
“Go home, Talie. Bakit ka ba sumusunod?” sabi ni Ryo.
Should I just go back to the kitchen? Pakiramdam ko’y hahabulin niya ako at haharangin kapag naglakad ako paakyat sa hagdan. Ano’ng gagawin niya? Is she going confront me about my baby?
Saka teka nga, naniniwala ba s’ya sa article na ’yon? E alam naman niyang girlfriend ako ni Ryo at hindi lang basta-bastang nabuntis at pananagutan. Pare-parehas naming alam na kailanman, hindi s’ya nagging girlfriend ni Ryo.
“Frankie,” Talie mentioned my name at ramdam ko na agad iyong inis niya sa akin. Na para sa’n ba? Wala naman akong kasalanan sa kaniya?
“’Wag mo siyang kausapin. Umuwi ka o mapipilitan talaga akong kaladkarin ka palabas,” banta ni Ryo na nagpalaki ng mata ko. Talie quickly shifted her gaze at him with disbelief in her eyes.
Sinamantala ko ang sandaling iyon at mabilis na naglakad. But instead of going upstairs, I walked past her. The first thing that came into my mind was to get out of there. Bago pa man ako makalabas ay naharang na agad ako ng parang batong katawan ni Ryo. His hand felt warm on my arm.
“Sa’n ka pupunta?” malumanay niyang tanong. His hawk-like eyes scanned my whole face.
My mind immediately came up with an excuse, “I have plans tonight. Hindi ko nasabi sa ’yo.”
“Sino’ng kasama mo? ’Yan lang ang suot at dala mo? Tubigan at cellphone?”
“Yes,” I said firmly. Napalunok s’ya roon at halata kong hindi naniniwala, but my conviction always gets him. Nang marinig ang tunog ng heels ay naalerto ako agad. I don’t want Ryo to make her leave just because I was watching. Kung gano’n ay ako na lang muna ang aalis. Sa isang banda ay ayaw ko rin naman siyang makita.
She reeked of bad news, and it’s not good for me to deal with her. Not right now, at least. Malapit na ang due ko.
“Nate’s outside. He’s waiting,” pagsisinungaling ko. Ryo looked like he didn’t want to move away.
I did my best to put up a straight face and looked him in the eye. “Tumabi ka.”
His expression wavered at that. Kumukurap-kurap siyang tumabi at nagmamadali akong umalis. I dialed Nate’s number as I finally got out of the house.
* * *
“Lamay ang aabutin ko, Frankie,” sabi ni Nate habang nagmamaneho. I stretched my legs in the backseat. Nangalay din ako sa kalalakad. Buti nga’t mabilis na sumagot si Nate sa tawag ko kanina kaya nakapagpasundo ako agad. Baka kasi maabutan pa ako ni Ryo sa labas ng subdivision sakali mang maisipan niyang lumabas bigla. Bukod pa ro’n e wala akong dalang pera kaya hindi ako makapara ng sasakyan.
“Hindi ’yan,” I assured him. We’re on our way to Cali’s house dahil sabi ko, do’n niya muna ako ibaba. Bahala na bukas kung paano ako uuwi. Baka magpasundo na lang muna ulit ako kay Nate para iuwi ako kina Ryo.
My feelings took a complete turn upon seeing Talie. Kung kanina ay natatawa lang ako ro’n sa blind item na ’yon, ngayon e ’di ko maiwasang mag-alala. The article did say that the ’long-term girlfeind’ was greatly affected. Kung hindi man nga sinabi sa kaniya ni Ryo ’yong tungkol sa ’min, dahil hindi rin naman siya obligado, puwes ngayon e alam na ni Talie. For some reason, hindi ako mapakali. Nababagabag ako na alam na ni Talie. Feeling ko may masamang mangyayari.
Hindi ko rin alam pero basta na lang talagang pumaosk sa isip ko na tumakbo. Sino ba naman ako kumpara kay Talie? Kahit na alam naman niyang mula pa noong una ay ako ang girlfriend ni Ryo, hindi naman ’yon ang sinasabi ng media. At kung talaga ngang may something siguro sa kanila ni Ryo, kahit saglit lang, at kahit hindi nga siya girlfriend, magagamit niya ’yon laban sa ’kin. Mahirap na dahil manganganak na ’ko. Gusto ko tahimik ang buhay namin. Saka ayaw ko ng spotlight noon pa man.
Cali was already waiting for me outside her aunt’s house dahil t-in-ext ko na siya na ro’n muna ako sa kanila.
“Kaya mo ba? Hindi na ako magpapakita ro’n sa isa e,” sabi ni Nate. Umayos ako sa pagkakaupo at tumango. I got out of his car and gave him a wave before heading towards Cali. Nakapamewang siya sa akin pero pinatuloy pa rin ako sa loob ng bahay ng tiyahin niya.
“Wala pa si Tita e, pero may pagkain naman dito. Kumain ka na ba?” tanong niya. I shook my head at naghain siya para sa ’ming dalawa. Simple lang ang laman ng text ko sa kaniya. Sabi ko lang ay naroon si Talie, at alam na niya agad na pupunta ako sa kaniya.
“Ano’ng ginagawa ng bruha ro’n sa inyo?” tanong niya habang kumakain kami.
I shrugged. Ngayon ko lang ulit ’yon nakita nang personal. I paused on eating when I pictured her on my mind. Kitang-kita ang hubog ng katawan niya sa bistidang suot. Parang nawalan bigla ng lasa ang kinakain ko. Nagmukha ata akong basahan kanina kung ikukumpara sa kaniya.
“Kung ako sa ’yo, hindi ako aalis! Tatawagan ko agad si Tita tapos panonoorin kong siya ang kumaladkad sa bruha palabas ng bahay. Ivi-video ko pa ’yon,” may gigil na sabi nitong isa.
I looked at my phone on the table when Ryo’s name kept on popping on the screen. Nagliligpit si Cali ng kinainan namin at kanina pa nga humihikab. Hindi pa naman sobrang late pero napagod siguro sa office kanina kaya ganiyan. I told her that I could wash our plates dahil kaunti lang naman ’yon pero halos itali niya ako sa upuan para hindi na makialam sa kaniya.
“Anong oras ka uuwi?” tanong niya habang nagpupunas ng kamay sa basahan.
I freed my lower lip na kanina ko pa kagat-kagat habang nagtitimping hindi sagutin ang mga tawag ni Ryo. “Can I stay here for the night?”
Nalaglag ang panga niya roon. Tatanggi siya, alam ko.
“Please?” pahabol ko.
Nahilot niya ang kaniyang sentido at ilang sandali rin akong tinitigan, na parang hinihintay na bawiin ko iyong sinabi ko. Pero sa huli ay tumango lang din siya.
Na-guilty pa ako na nag-set-up si Cali ng folding bed sa kuwartong tinutuluyan niya. She let me take her bed at mukhang maaga nga siyang matutulog. Hindi ko nga alam kung makakatulog ba ako dahil panay ang pag-ilaw ng phone ko. Her aunt arrived earlier at hindi naman nagtanong kung ano’ng ginagawa ko rito.
Around half past nine and I could already hear Cali lightly snoring. I decided to try to sleep, too. Tinaob ko muna ang phone ko dahil nagigising ang diwa ko sa tuwing iilaw iyon at alam kong tumatawag si Ryo.
After twenty minutes of trying to sleep, wala akong napala. Gising na gising pa rin ang diwa ko. I clicked my tongue and reached for my phone, but the missed calls stopped around half an hour ago. Hinintay ko ulit na tumawag siya pero five minutes na at wala pa rin. Did he sleep already?
Halos mabitiwan ko ang phone ko nang biglaang may kumatok sa pinto ng kuwarto. Dahil hindi naman magising si Cali ay ako na ang tumayo at nagbukas no’n. Tiyahin niya iyong kumakatok sa labas.
“May naghahanap sa inyo sa labas,” aniya na siyang ikinakaba ko. Tumango lamang ako at sinabing lalabas na ako dahil nakakahiyang naabala ko pa ata ang tulog niya. I shut the door and quickly went beside Cali to wake her up.
“Ano ba ’yon?” iritable niyang sabi, pupungas-pungas pa.
“Someone’s outside,” I told her. Tumaas ang isang kilay niya bago bumangon. She stretched her neck before grabbing her bath towel and putting it over her chest. I picked up my phone and water bottle before closing her room’s door. Sinundan ko lamang siya ngunit nanatiling ilang hakbang ang layo sa kaniya. I already have a feeling on who it was so I texted Nate to ask.
Napairap na lang ako nang makita ang reply niya, Sorry, Frankie. Pinuntahan ako dito sa bahay e. Natakot ako.
Agad akong pumwesto sa may likuran ng pinto. Napaangat nag kilay ni Cali sa ’kin doon ngunit sinenyasan kong manahimik. Her brows furrowed at me before she opened the door.
“Si Frankie?” boses iyon ni Ryo. Bungad na bungad.
Cali’s lips twisted. She sighed. “Maniniwala ka ba ’pag sinabi kong wala rito?”
“No,” mabilis na sagot ni Ryo.
“E bakit nagtanong ka pa?”
“Nasa’n nga si Frankie?”
“Edi nandito,” Cali answered which made my eyes widen. “Hindi ka naman maniniwala kapag humindi ako e.”
Ryo sighed. Kung hindi lang dahil sa tiyahin ni Cali, ipupusta kong baka pumasok na ’yan dito sa loob. Hindi rin siguro siya makaubra dahil iba ang sungit ni Cali ngayon.
“Frankie, uwi na tayo,” sabi ni Ryo. Kumunot ang noo ko ro’n. Alam niya bang nandito ako sa likuran ng pinto?
“Frankie, uwi na raw kayo,” ulit ni Cali na hindi ko alam kung nang-aasar ba o ano. O sadyang masama ang mood niya dahil nasira ko ang malalim nang tulog niya.
Ilang minuto kaming tahimik lang. Cali looked like she was going to sleep while standing any minute now. Napatayo ako nang ayos nang bigla siyang sumigaw.
“Hay nako! Ito kasi, nasa likod ng pinto! Kanina ko pa sinesenyas e! Ang tanga mo minsan, Ryo!” pagalit niyang sabi.
Halos ibaon ko na ang sarili ko sa may sulok nang biglang dumungaw si Ryo. I glared at Cali and she just stomped her foot and grunted in frustration.
“Te, inaantok na kasi talaga ako. Bilisan niyo nang dalawa.”
“Uwi na tayo, Frankie,” bulong ni Ryo. Dahil na-realize kong nakakaabala na talaga kina Cali at sa tiyahin niya ay umalis na ako ro’n sa likuran ng pinto. Cali pouted at me and I rolled my eyes at her. Umiwas ako sa hawak ni Ryo at nauna sa sasakyan niya. I heard her thanking Cali before walking to his car.
Hindi ko siya inimik sa buong biyahe. I could feel him glancing at me pero hindi ko na lang pinansin. Kahit na nakasunod siya sa akin hanggang sa makapasok sa bahay e hindi ko pinansin. Kumunot ang noo ko nang makitang may nakalatag na manipis na kumot sa sahig ng kuwarto ko at may dalawa pang unan. I was about to protest when Ryo went there at humiga na lang nang basta-basta.
“What’s that? Diyan ka tutulog?” I asked, confused and horrified. Tumango lamang siya. He fished out his keys from his pocket and lazily threw it somewhere above him. Napunta iyon sa may paanan ng bedside table. Is he that tired? Sabagay, he drove form here to Nate’s house, tapos umikot ulit papunta kina Cali at pauwi.
Mukhang antok na antok na siya kaya kahit nawi-weirdo-han ako ay pumunta na lang din ako sa kama.
And suddenly I realized that my bed was too big for me. Marami pa namang space.
Sinilip ko siya sa kaniyang puwesto. Patagilid siyang nakahiga at nakatalikod sa akin. Tulog na kaya ’to? Agad-agad? Palalayasin ko pa sana.
Inangat ko ang sarili para umupo at hinagip ang tubigan ko. Isang lagok ko lang no’n ay ubos na agad ang natitirang laman. But I was too tired to walk downstairs and get myself some water.
Nilingon ko si Ryo. Hindi pa naman siguro malalim ang tulog niya ’di ba?
“Ryo…” tawag ko sa kaniya. He hummed in response, halos agad-agad.
“Kuha mo ’kong tubig,” utos ko. Pumaling siya sa akin bago umupo, kunot ang noo.
“Bakit?”
“Nauuhaw ako,” sabi ko at inabot sa kaniya iyong tubigan ko. Kunot pa rin ang noo niya at nagdududa ang matang nakatingin sa ’kin.
“Baka naman pagbalik ko rito naka-lock na ’yang pinto mo, tapos ’di mo na ’ko papapasukin. Style mo rin e, bulok,” aniya at binalik iyon sa maliit na mesa.
“Nauuhaw nga ako!” sabi ko at dinampot ang tubigan ko at inabot ulit sa kaniya. Tumayo na siya pero naghihinala pa rin ang tingin sa ’kin at nakasimangot.
I pouted. Lalo lang nagusot ang mukha niya.
“Please?” I said in the sweetest I could possibly do, dahil nauuhaw naman talaga ako!
“Tss, akin na nga,” masungit niyang sbai at hinablot sa ’kin ang tubigan.
He gave me a warning stare before going out and closing the door behind him. Pakiramdam ko ay tinakbo niya, o baka nga tinalon niya pa ’yung hagdan sa pagmamadlai dahil ang bilis niyang nakabalik. He handed me my water bottle at ininuman ko agad iyon. Nang lingunin ko siya ay parang saka lang siya nakumbinsing nauuhaw nga ako pagatapos kong uminom. Parang sira talaga.
I watched as he went back to his place on the floor.
“Bakit ba dito ka matutulog?”
“Baka layasan mo ’ko ulit,” pabulong niyang sagot pero dahil sobrang tahimik ay malinaw ko iyong narinig.
Humiga na siya at kita kong kapos iyong kumot na hinihigaan niya para sa buong katawan niya. Wala nga siyang kumot na pantaklob sa katawan.
“Malamig diyan,” sambit ko.
Sa nipis ng kumot na ’yon, sigurado akong ramdam niya ang lamig ng sahig. Mananakit ang katawan niya kinabukasan dahil hindi rin naman s’ya sanay matulog sa matigas na higaan.
“Okay lang.”
I settled on my side of the bed and watched his back. Hindi pa siya nakakumot, e ako ngang naka-comforter na, nilalamig na rin kahit papaano.
“Ryo,” tawag ko sa kaniya. Hindi na siya sumagot.
Napanguso ako roon. Hindi pa naman siya tulog, sigurado ako. Ayaw niya lang bang mautusan ulit?
“Dito ka na sa kama,” halos bulong kong sabi.
Kung kanina’y para siyang bangkay na hindi gumagalaw at tumutugon, ngayon naman e mabilis pa sa alas cuatro siyang napapaling sa ’kin.
“What?” parang hindi makapaniwala niyang sabi.
Tumikhim ako. “Malamig diyan, dito ka na,” sabi ko at umusod.
Medyo natagalan pa bago siya tumayo na akala ko nga e hindi niya tatanggapin ’yung offer ko. Pero nilapag niya rin ang dalawa niyang unan sa tabihan ng akin. Hindi rin siguro kayang magtiis sa sahig na halos walang latag.
Sa kabilang banda ako pumaling dahil patagilid siyang humiga at ayaw ko siyang makaharap. Nga lang ay hindi ako kumportable sa ganoong pagkakahiga. Naghintay muna ako ng ilang minuto bago pumaling paharap sa kaniya. I was expecting to see him peacefully asleep pero nabigla ako nang magtama ang mata namin.
“Bakit hindi ka pa tulog?” mahina niyang tanong. Halata ko na ang antok sa mata niyang namumungay.
His brows slightly furrowed, probably on my lack of response and awkward stare, before lifting his head and getting one of his pillows.
“Sige, lalagyan ko ng harang—”
“’Wag na,” I blurted.
Nahuli ko ang pagkagulat niya roon. He cleared his throat before hesitantly putting back his pillow on the back of his head.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit wala sa ’min ang pumipikit. We held gazes but it didn’t feel awkward. I felt like I wanted to tell him something, and it was ironic that I was a writer but I couldn’t figure out what words to use or what exactly it was that I wanted to say.
At ayan na naman ’yung tingin niyang parang may sasabihin siya pero hindi naman siya nagsasalita. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung may hihintayin ba ako o wala.
“Frankie,” he said in a hushed voice. Both my brows rose at that. Binalik ko ang tingin sa mata niya.
“What?” I didn’t know what I was waiting to hear, but I was sure that I was anticipating something.
He pursed his lips and I watched as his Adam’s apple moved when he gulped. Sa huli ay tipid niya lang niya akong nginitian bago siya pumikit. Hinintay kong magmulat siya ulit at sabihin iyong sasabihin niya, pero hindi iyon dumating.
In the end, my drowsiness consumed me so I closed my eyes. Bahagya akong nagising nang marinig siyang may binubulong, ngunit masyadong tulog ang isip ko para maintindihan ang kabuoan no’n. Iisang salita lang ang naging malinaw: habang-buhay.
Chapter 14: Envelope
hhfm14 chapter 14: Envelope
“Ano’ng ginagawa mo?” asked the man who was seated comfortably on my bed. As much as I wanted to throw him out of the room, I knew that he wouldn’t budge no matter how much I try to get him out. Maii-stress lang ako. My predicted due is in less than two weeks, so I try my best to stay away from things, and people, who would cause me stress.
“Looking for job openings,” tipid kong sagot.
I already found a decent writing job opening, medyo alanganin lang ako na kasama sa description na dapat ay willing pumunta sa events para mag-publish ng live content. If ever I would get hired, pa’no si Raiko?
Until now, Ryo and I still haven’t made a concrete plan. Pero sabagay, sa tingin ko e hindi kami makakapagdesisyon hangga’t hindi nalalaman ng magulang ko.
I heard him let out a long sigh. I know what he wanted to talk about, pero hindi ako ang para magbukas ng topic na iyon lalo na’t maiinis lang ako sa pag-uusapan.
Dual purpose ang pagbababad ko sa laptop ngayong umaga. First one is to avoid looking at him and actually having a conversation with him. Second is that I wanted to distract myself dahil kanina pa umuulit sa isip ko ’yung nabasa ko kanina.
Tita’s in rage, obviously. Come to think of it, I only witness her lose her cool when it involves Ryo. Itong isa, sigurado akong problemadong-problemado na naman dahil galit sa kaniya ang nanay niya. If Tita’s mad at him, damay na si Tito sa naiinis sa kaniya dahil napagbubuntonan din siya ng asawa minsan.
I pushed back my chair slightly and stretched my legs a bit. I took a deep breath to calm myself down. Ito na nga ba ang sinasabi ko. Since the beginning, I didn’t want to be involved on anything that had to do with him and Talie. Kung anomang drama ’yon, totoo man o haka-haka, ayaw ko na lang talagang makisali. I shouldn’t even be part of it anymore since Ryo and I already broke up months ago, ilang beses ko na iyong nasabi. Ang malas ko lang dahil kahit anong pilit kong umiwas, nahahagilap at nadadamay ako.
I had already predicted that Talie coming here would fuel something big. Hindi ko alam kung kailan siya umalis o kung naabutan man siya ni Tita dahil hindi naman ako para magtanong.
Simply because I just didn’t want to talk about her. I don’t even think of her. I don’t even care about her anymore. Mas ayaw ko siyang makita. Lalo na sa personal. Tapos na iyong mga araw na nahawahan ata ako ni Cali sa pagiging tsismosa at nag-e-effort pa akong sumilip sa social media accounts niya. What benefit would it give me stressing about someone irrelevant?
Sadyang hindi na lang din talaga ako updated kung gaano ka-importante si Talie para manmanan. How sure were they that Talie would go here? Mukhang handang-handa pa sila at magaganda ang shots. Malinaw ang mukha ni Talie, at obvious kung kaninong bahay ang pinuntahan. There’s even a photo of them talking outside. Kahit na likuran lang ni Talie ang nakuha ng frame, halatang-halata kung sino ang nasa tapat niya.
I was very anxious looking for more photos linked to that article, sa takot na baka mayro’ng picture ko. Blurred man o hindi, ayaw kong magkaroon.
Fortunately, I didn’t see anything, but I was sure that whoever took those photos already knew my name, where I work, my educational background, and how I look like. That’s just how it works. I wouldn’t even be surprised if they were able to trace where my family lives.
It still baffled me on why I didn’t have any photos posted on the internet. Hindi naman sa gusto ko, sadyang nakakapagtaka lang. I went out of the house without caring on whoever might see me. I got in Nate’s car, kaya posible na baka madawit na rin si Nate sa kuwento. If they had decided to follow where I would go, edi kasama na rin si Cali.
Mabuti na lang din at hindi mahilig sina Tatay sa ganoong klase ng balita. Dahil kung oo, at nalaman nilang si Ryo ’yun, patay kami pagkauwi ko. Lalo lang magiging mahirap na makipag-usap at magkapaliwanagan nang maayos. Paniwalain pa naman si Tatay.
According to the article supporting the Valentine’s day blind item, the model slash host went to the player’s house to settle the issue and to check if the player’s really keeping a pregnant woman under the care of his home and his influential, untouchable mother. Walang nabanggit kung paano umalis Talie, but it was said that the model slash host went to a socialite’s house, isa sa mga close friends niya. Then they apparently got wasted in an expensive club. I don’t know who the socialite the article was referring to, because I wasn’t familiar with any of Talie’s friends. Kahit noong college e hindi naman ako nag-abalang alamin ang pangalan ng mga nakakasama niya. Si Cali, nasa nature na ata niyang i-inform ako at ipagkalap ng impormasyon pero wala naman akong ma-recall sa mga nabanggit niya sa ’kin. Besides, kung kay Talie nga ay wala akong pakialam, pa’no pa sa mga kaibigan niya?
“Frankie.” I instantly felt tensed the moment he called my name.
“Wala talaga ’yung kay Talie.”
I betrayed myself and looked at him. Bagsak ang balikat niya habang nakatingin pabalik sa ’kin. His eyes looked glassy and pleading. I feel like if I were to ask him to kneel and apologize, susunod agad siya nang walang pag-aalinlangan.
I shook my head. I could keep on trying to remain unbothered with those articles. Galing lang naman ’yon sa blind item page, hindi sa verified news network. Kahit pa sabihing madalas nga ay tama sila, alam ko naman ang totoo. I wasn’t and wouldn’t be Ryo’s one-time girl toy. Kung totoo nga ang parte na tinatago niya ako kay Talie dahil may namamagitan sa kanila, wala na akong pakialam. Gusto ko na lang matahimik.
“You don’t have to lie to me,” I told him and smiled a little.
If he were only doing this to make me feel better, then he should stop because I didn’t need any of it. Simple lang nnaman ang pakay ko kaya ako lumapit sa kaniya.
Noong naghiwalay kami, sabi niya’y ayaw na niya akong makita kahit kalian. I could have done that but I didn’t want to deprive him of his rights as Raiko’s father. Our break-up had a lot of loose ends, but I trusted and knew that he deserved to know.
I wouldn’t mind if he would be with Talie, or maybe even other girls. I liked seeing him happy, so if that’s what would bring him happiness, sino ako para tumutol?
His expression faltered. Hindi ko alam kung lalo siyang natunaw at nanghina o nanigas sa sinabi ko. His lips parted a little, and I patiently waited for him to say something.
He scoffed, looking away. He chewed on his lower lip after and looked like he was a having a debate with himself on whatever it was that he was holding back. I sighed and was about to turn my chair to face my laptop again when he spoke.
“Hindi naman ako nagsisinungaling,” bahagyang nanginginig pa iyon.
I adjusted the pillow on my back. When I looked at him, wala nang bahid ng pag-aalinlangan sa mata niya. That’s when I knew that I couldn’t do anything to postpone this conversation.
Maybe I shouldn’t have responded. If I remained silent, edi magsasawa rin siyang kumausap sa wala. Dapat ay sinarili ko na lang talaga iyon para wala kaming pinag-uusapan ngayon. I was afraid to talk about it before, and I am more afraid now.
“Tangina, Frankie. Hanggang ngayon ba hindi ka naniniwala?” hindi makapaniwala niyang tanong.
I hissed and glared at him. Now he’s starting to bring this topic a little further. Mukha pa ring wala siyang balak umatras at magpatalo.
Why should my opinion matter to him, anyway? Hindi naman ako hahadlang sa kanila ni Talie. At wala rin naman siyang kailangang patunayan sa ’kin.
“It’s been almost a year,” I said, pertaining to our break-up, “It shouldn’t matter if I believe you or not,” I reminded him.
Hindi ganoong kakitid ang utak ko para ikulong o itali s’ya sa ’kin. If I weren’t pregnant, I’m sure we wouldn’t have talked for the span of almost ten months. Not even once. Hinding-hindi niya rin ako makikita. I would see him everywhere, though.
Kaya walang kaso sa ’kin sakali mang maka-move on siya. That’s part of a break-up’s aftermath.
“Akala ko ba aayusin natin?” he asked, almost choking on the last word.
I froze for a moment. His Adam’s apple moved as he kept on swallowing. And sometimes, I wish that I didn’t know him in detail. I wish that I didn’t know how he looked like when he’s in pain and if he’s holding back his tears. This is one of those times.
I took a deep breath and reached for my laptop. Sinara ko iyon at hindi na muna siya nilingon ulit. I hated seeing him like that. A memory plays in my head, and I didn’t want to be a crying mess like him. His tears are contagious. At least for me.
Nasobrahan ata kami sa atras at masyado nang napalayo ang takbo ng usapan. This was supposed to be about that damned article and how he shouldn’t worry about me because all those didn’t matter to me. Hindi ganitong mapapadpad kami sa usapang ’yon. We avoided that for the months we had been living in the same house, so why now? What’s the point?
“That was before we broke up,” I reminded him. I could still see him from the side of my eye but not enough to see his reaction.
“Before, Ryo,” I added, emphasizing the first word. Pinilit kong matawa. “We shouldn’t talk about this anymore,” I tried to say with all my bravado, but my voice started to sound faint halfway through my sentence.
My fingers unconsciously traced my forehead, trying to shove any stray hair back, as my chest grew heavy. I didn’t want to cry. Tapos na ako roon, matagal na. Sabi ko nga e sapat na ’yung isang araw.
I buried that scene on the back of my head, thinking that it wouldn’t hurt the next time that it would resurface, but I thought wrong. Siguro’y hindi pa ito ang panahon para ungkatin ’yon nang tuluyan na akong walang mararamdaman.
I was about to ask him to leave but he spoke, “Hanggang ngayon naniniwala ka talagang may nangyari sa ’min ni Talie?” he asked in disbelief.
Tuluyan nang napadpad sa gawi niya ang tingin ko. Hindi ako nakasagot agad at kita ko ang naging reaksiyon niya ro’n. He mouthed a few curse words before looking away. I couldn’t quite figure out if he looked disappointed, o baka hindi lang talaga siya makapaniwala.
Maybe he assumed that my silence meant yes.
But my answer’s no.
I believe and trust him.
It’s just that it hurt.
Maybe a little too much because after that, we just could not make it work anymore.
So it had to end.
I cleared my throat. It felt like something was blocking my airways, and I knew that I had to assure him that all this time, I believed him. And he didn’t have to worry about that anymore.
“I work in the media industry, Ryo. I know how media-play works,” I told him, hoping that he would get my point. And I wasn’t lying just to pacify him; that’s the truth.
Truth be told, I wanted him to forgive himself. Mukhang sa mga buwang nagdaan, may pagdududa pa rin siya kung naniniwala ba ako sa kaniya o hindi. I did tell him before that I believe him… but then we broke up, so maybe that part didn’t make sense.
My hand rested above my belly. I looked at him and I knew that he wasn’t done yet. What happens after this? Gusto niya ba talagang ungkatin naming ’yon e ilang buwan na ang lumipas? Wala na rin namang magbabago.
But I kept in mind that maybe he needed this talk for his inner peace. This would definitely open up the wounds from our break-up, and I would possibly remember how it all felt… but I’m way stronger than Ryo. Mamaya ko na iisipin kung paano ko iyon kakayanin, o paano ko ibabaon ulit lahat ng ’yon.
Sa ’ming dalawa, ako ang may kayang gumawa no’n.
“Galit ka pa ba sa ’kin?” Mas buo na ang boses niya ngayon. His face remained straight, but he couldn’t lie to me. Aside from the fact that I could still see through him, he couldn’t hide the tears welling up in his eyes.
Napatagal ata ang tingin ko sa kaniya at nahawa. Ilang ulit akong lumunok habang sianusubukang hindi magaya sa kaniya. I reached for my water tumbler and almost emptied it as I fought the urge to cry.
“You were with Talie on my birthday,” I said and instantly regretted it, but I couldn’t get myself to shut up now, “You made me wait, Ryo. You didn’t show up. Tapos mababalitaan kong magkasama kayo sa hotel? Ano’ng gusto mo? Hindi ako magalit?”
My lower lip quivered. Himala pa rin kung paanong hindi pa bumubuhos ang luha ko ngayon. Unlike him whose tears are now rushing their way to slide off his cheeks.
It took me a while to realize that I shouldn’t have worded it out that way. I was about to tell him that I had already forgiven him for that, pero nagmamadali siyang umalis at bago ko pa matawag ang pangalan niya ay naisara na niya ang pinto.
Admittedly, I got mad at him for what happened. Getting angry was my initial reaction.
Inakala ko rin kasi na after college, magtatrabaho kami pareho, makakaipon, magpapamilya. Akala ko gano’n kadali. Orion had always been the more positive one, and had always sounded hopeful and cheery about our future plans kaya hindi ko maiwasang madala sa tuwa niya. But it didn’t turn out as easy we thought it would.
At one point, everything just started to feel suffocating. I was never the demanding and nagging girlfriend. But eventually, all the missed dinner dates, movie nights, breakfasts, and a lot more cancelled plans started to get tiring to deal with. I didn’t want to feel like I was demanding too much of his time. I didn’t want him to feel like he had to choose between me and his career. His sometimes irrational jealousy when it comes to Nathan would spark arguments where I would just completely blow off. Sometimes I would fail to notice the words I use and how they were sometimes too much. It started to get really rocky, but we both wanted to settle it by the end of the day.
We tried to work it out, thinking that it’s just because we were still adjusting to the adulting set-up.
Pero nu’ng nangyari ’yung sa birthday ko, doon na talaga lumala. Siguro gawa na rin ng bottled-up insecurities ko kay Talie, kaya mas nahirapan kaming ayusin. Ilang taon akong nagpigil at pinilit ang sariling ’wag magselos dahil alam ko namang hindi ako kayang lokohin ni Ryo.
And it just had to happen while Ryo and I were still desperately trying to patch things up. Para kaming pinaglalaruan ng kung sino.
We didn’t break up just yet after that incident. Halos magkandalupasay sa sahig si Ryo sa pagmamakaawa sa ’kin noon. I tried my hardest to have a clear mind and assess what happened right after cooling down. A part of me had already expected that Talie and Ryo would definitely be under the same spotlight one day, pero nakakagalit pa rin pala talaga. Lalo na noong mga panahong ’yon.
We still tried, but after that, nothing seemed to feel the same. Kahit hindi namin sabihin, parehas naming naramdamang may nagbago. At mukhang hindi na talaga maibabalik sa dati.
And I knew I had to break up with him because we’re both tired. We both needed the space to breathe.
I stayed in my room instead of going after him. As soon as I lay down on my bed, a tear finally rolled down to the side of my cheek. Pinalis ko iyon agad bago pa tumulo sa ’king unan.
Mas pinili kong pumikit at subukang alisin sa isip iyong mga nangyari noon. A few scenes remained vivid in my head, and the pain felt fresh as if it were just yesterday.
Itinulog ko na lang ang sakit.
* * *
When I woke up, it was almost time for lunch. Fortunately, hindi naman sumakit ang ulo ko pagkagising. Naghilamos lang ako saglit para magising nang bahagya pero hindi rin naman tumuloy sa plano na bumaba para kumain. Sigurado akong kami lang ni Ryo ulit ang naiwan sa bahay. And honestly, I do not know how to face him after what happened this morning.
Gusto ko siyang kausapin at linawin na ayos na sa ’kin lahat. And now I realized that we couldn’t really go on avoiding this thing forever. Maybe even if Raiko didn’t happen, one way or another, we had to talk and fix the loose ends of our break-up. As much as I tried to ignore and forget about it, alam ko rin naman sa sarili kong mahirap ’yon at naapektuhan ako nang Malala kahit nagpapanggap akong hindi. I had invested a lot in the span of four years, and had hope that it would last. Mabigat dalhin ang panghihinayang. Even if I pretend that it’s not there, I could still feel the weight of it sometimes, and I don’t think the feeling’s going to leave, yet.s
Two soft knocks on my door pulled me out of my trance. Pagbukas ko ro’n ay bumungad sa ’kin si Ryo na hindi nakatingin sa ’kin. He was holding a tray, trying to balance it on one hand. Nilawakan ko ang bukas sa pinto at pumasok siya para ilapag iyon sa table ko.
“’Wag ka nang bumaba, dadalhan ka na lang lagi ng pagkain dito,” he told me, eyes still looking at everywhere but me.
Napalingon ako sa tray at napansing pandalawang tao iyon, but he’s still not sitting. Was he expecting me to eat all of those?
“Dito ka kakain?” I asked, trying to sound casual, dahil pakiramdam ko’y ako ang magbubuhat ng usapang ’to. Sa ’ming dalawa ay ako talaga ang mas marunong magpanggap. I don’t know if it’s because of my work and the practiced attitude when it comes to interviews.
Ryo’s just too transparent. Kita mo kapag malungkot siya, kung kailan siya masaya, at halata kaagad kung galit o hindi kumportable.
O baka ako lang ang nakakakita no’n.
Saglit niyang inangat ang tingin sa ’kin. His fingers were now playing with the pad of sticky notes placed on my table, trying to distract himself, or make himself look less awkward. Nang mapansing pinapanood ko siya ay mabilis din niyang inalis ang mata sa ’kin.
“Okay lang?”
“Of course.”
That seemed like the go-signal he was waiting for before he sat on the smaller stool beside my table. Itinabi ko muna ang mga gamit na nakapatong sa mesa bago ako umupo sa puwesto ko. He still looked uneasy based on the way his shoulders seemed way too stiff and tensed.
“Hindi na ba ’ko bababa lagi? Even on dinners?” I tried to strike a conversation. Tumango lang siya at hindi pa rin ako tiningnan.
“Ikaw ba lagi ang magdadala? You’re going to eat here, then?” pahabol ko.
He stopped chewing and slowly looked at me. I raised both brows at him and he averted his gaze. He swallowed and took a pause before responding.
“Gusto mo ba?” tanong niya kasabay ng nangangapang tingin sa ’kin.
“Kung gusto mo,” I answered.
Ilang beses s’yang kumurap at nagtagal ang tingin sa ’kin. I ended up being the first one to break the eye contact to eat.
We stayed silent while eating. Gusto ko nga siyang sabihan na kumuha ng ibang upuan dahil nagmukhang pinipilit niyang isiksik ang sarili ro’n sa maliit na upuang gamit niya. Makailang beses din kaming magkakatinginan pero wala namang nagsasalita.
He left, bringing his used plate with him, as soon as he was done eating. Habang ako ay hindi pa tapos kumain. I thought he was never going to show up again but he was back in my room after a few minutes. He placed a huge bowl of mixed fruits in front of me without saying a word.
Akala ko’y aalis na ulit siya pero umupo ulit siya ro’n sa puwesto niya kanina. He even reached for the remote control and turned on the television, so I guess he would wait until I’m done with my lunch.
“Frankie,” tawag niya sa akin pagkatapos ko. Nilingon ko siya at parang alam ko na ang pinahihiwatig ng mga ganiyang tinginan niya. I shook my head and slid the bowl towards him.
“Eat this with me, ’di ko mauubos,” I told him. His lips twisted but he did pick a slice of apple.
The silence between us was prolonged because of that. Hindi ko alam kung nanonood talaga siya ng TV dahil doon nga nakatingin ang mata niya pero parang malalim masyado ang iniisip. I didn’t want to ask so I picked up my phone to check e-mails. The most recent one was from Nate who sent me files to review—my last assignments before I take my maternity leave.
Napaisip tuloy ako. Even after the break-up, ramdam ko pa rin ang kaayawan ni Ryo sa kaniya. I wonder if it had something to do with our break up.
After what happened on my birthday, when things started to really go downhill, I was already losing hope. Napabuntonghininga na lang ako nang maalala ang ginawa ko no’n. Now that I have thought about it, I feel like I owe Ryo an apology, too. Wala naman talaga akong masamang balak noon pero siguro’y ang sakit din sa kaniya na kay Nate ako pumunta no’ng may problema kami. I was too busy thinking of my feelings and what Talie and him could have possibly done in that hotel room… maybe I have failed to notice his side, and that look on his face when Nate dropped me off at the apartment while he was waiting for me.
Napahilot ako sa sentido. Fine, maybe I wanted to get back at him because I thought seeing him jealous would make me feel a tad better. Kung bakit ganoon ako ka-clouded mag-isip, ewan ko na rin. Iba talaga ang naging epekto nung nangyari noong birthday ko. Feeling ko tuloy ay mabuti na rin ’yong nag-break kami at napag-isip-isip ko lahat ng ’yon.
“Frankie, sorry,” I heard him say. Ngayon ko lang napansin na kanina pa sa kamay ko iyong isang slice ng apple pero hindi ko pa pala nakakagatan dahil sa lalim ng iniisip.
“Shut up, I’m eating,” I told him because I knew what he was about to say.
“Akala ko nakabawi na ako sayo no’ng mga nakaraang buwan. Sorry, hanggang ngayon dinadala mo pa rin pala ’yung nagawa ko,” pagpapatuloy niya kahit na sinabi kong manahimik siya. I opened my desk’s cabinet and hurriedly searched for my earphones, na kung kailan ko talaga kailangan ay saka hindi magpapakita.
And I thought I was ready to talk about closure… parang hindi pa pala. I wanted to cover my ears. Hindi ko gusto ang tono niya.
He sounded like he finally wanted to tie up our loose ends… I thought I wanted that but what would that mean?
That it’s completely over?
At this point, I’m not sure on what I actually want anymore.
“Babawi na lang ako sa’yo sa birthday mo ngayon… malapit na rin naman ’yun. Magkikita pa naman tayo gawa ng bata. Two months na si Raiko nu’n, ’di ba?” Hindi nakatakas sa tainga ko ang pagkabasag ng kaniyang boses.
My heart clenched painfully. He successfully opened up all the wounds I tried to forget. The pain of our break-up months ago was registering just now.
“Kasi kahit naman naniniwala ka na sa’kin na si Talie lang nagdala sa ’kin do’n at wala akong alam, nangyari na ’yon lahat e. Nasaktan na kita.”
I gave up on searching for something to cover my ears with. “Can we stop talking about this? It’s stressing me,” I managed to say even with the sides of my eyes heating up.
Natahimik kami. Huminga ako nang malalim at pinilit na paurungin ang luha. Nang magawa iyon ay saka ko lang siya tiningnan. His lower lip was visibly quivering, and I was sure that if he blinked, his tears would spill. Pilit siyang ngumiti bago umiwas ng tingin.
“Sorry,” he whispered before standing. Kinuha niya iyong tubigan kong nananahimik sa isang sulok. “Kuha lang kitang tubig.”
I took a series of deep breaths the moment he was out of my room. Natagalan bago siya bumalik sa kuwarto ko, na akala ko nga ay hindi na niya gagawin. He placed my tumbler on my table.
When I craned my neck up to look at him, what I noticed first was his puffy eyes and reddish nose. Lalo lang atang bumigat ang pakiramdam ko dahil sigurado akong kagagaling lang niya sa iyak. Sigurdong ’yon ang dahilan kung bakit isya natagalan.
He didn’t say anything. He just picked up the plates and left.
* * *
Hindi ako mapakali. Mali nga siguro ako noong inisip ko na kapag hindi ko pinansin, makakalimutan ko na lang din. That worked for a short time since I was also busy with work, pero ngayong halos wala na akong ginagawa, hindi na gumagana iyon.
I know that I said that I’m a lot emotionally stronger than Ryo, pero parang gusto ko na iyon bawiin ngayon. Laking diperensiya naming pagdating sa tapang, dahil kumpara sa kaniya, duwag ako.
Kung bakit ba lagi kong pinatatagal ’tong closure namin, hindi ko rin alam. Maybe it’s because up until now, I still haven’t completely processed the pain of our break-up. Dahil nga lagi ko iyong isinasantabi. Sabi ko nga noon sa sarili ko, tuloy ang ikot ng mundo kahit mag-break kami ni Ryo. I believed that there were far more important things to put my attention on, and crying about it would do me no good. I was so wrong on that one.
Do I still have feelings for him?
It’s hard to tell.
Before I became his girlfriend, I didn’t have to question my feelings. When we finally arrived at that moment, I just knew that I love him. I didn’t need to write down reasons. I just knew that it’s him who I wanted to be with.
Noong tinanong niya ako kung mahal ko na ba siya, walang pag-aalinlanagan ang pag-oo ko.
A closure would only mean that I needed to wrap things up. And I was not sure if I was ready for that. It meant dealing with the feelings I bottled up and buried, and accepting the fact that he wouldn’t be with me for the rest of my life, contrary to what I had in mind four years ago.
But it seemed like it would be unfair of me to not give him the closure he deserves. Ilang buwan niya ring inisip kung nagdududa pa ba ako, kung napatawad ko na ba siya. It’s not his fault that I refused to deal with my feelings so it I’m hurting a lot more now.
So I found myself standing up, leaving my room, and searching for him.
I didn’t want to go down the stairs. Inuna kong pumunta sa dulo ng hall para silipin sa bintana kung nasa labas ba siya. The only person I spotted was one of their helpers who was maintaining the garden.
I had no choice but to go to his room. Ilang beses akong kumatok at tumawag sa kaniya, kahit na walang kasiguraduhan kung pa’no ako magsisimula at kung ano ang sasabihin ko, pero walang tumutugon. Pinihit ko ang door knob at hindi iyon naka-lock. Idinungaw ko lamang ang ulo ko sa siwang. I didn’t hear any running water from his bathroom pero wala rin siya sa kaniyang kama. Maybe he’s downstairs.
I was about to close the door when an envelope on his bedside table caught my attention. Hindi ko ugali ang makialam ng gamit ng kung sino-sino, pero hindi ko mapigilang hayaan ang sariling pumasok sa kuwarto niya dahil nabasa ko iyong pangalan ko. It was printed on bold letters at the back of the envelope.
FILE — Franceska Isabel Castañares.
Below was Ryo’s complete name and address. Tumaas ang isa kong kilay roon. It didn’t look like it came from the hospital where we go to for regular check-ups; may logo kasi iyon sa gilid. I debated on whether to look on its contents or not, dahil base sa marka ng adhesive ay nabuksan na ’to ni Ryo. A bad feeling was already brewing in my gut, but my curiosity won.
Parang tumigil ata ang mundo ko nang makita ang laman no’n. My eyes widened upon seeing photographs, na sigurado akong kinuha nang wala akong kaalam-alam. It was around 15 photos, all taken a few days after my birthday, before Ryo and I broke up. Lahat ata ng anggulo ay mayro’n, at hindi ko puwedeng itanggi na ako nga iyon dahil sobrang obvious at linaw naman! Sa gilid ay maroon pang oras at araw kung kailan iyon kinuha. Mula sa pagpasok ko sa bahay ni Nate, hanggang sa paglabas namin para ihatid niya ako pauwi, kompleto.
Agad kong dinampot iyong papel na kasama no’n. Lalo lang tumindi ang pagkakakunot ng noo ko nang simulan ko iyong basahin. I fought the urge to not rip the paper in half while reading. I needed to finish the article which was another follow-up for the stupid blind item they posted about Ryo and I last Valentine’s.
Naituon ko ang isang kamay sa mesa dahil parang mawawalan ata ako ng balanse. Nanghina ata ako pagkatapos basahin ang kabuoan, na sa tingin ko’y wala pa nga atang limang daang salita. The paper already had slight creases before I got my hands on it, so I was positive that Ryo had already read this. At bukas na nga iyong envelope bago ko pa makita, so he probably saw the photos, too.
I told myself to collect all the pictures and shove it back inside the envelope but I couldn’t get myself to move. The possibility of Ryo believing whatever the anonymous writer said made my blood drop. Palala nang palala ang bansag sa ’kin ngayon. If the first article called me his one night stand, now they’re calling me a gold digger, all because I was seen with Nate. The ending got me speechless. Inaakusahan na akong nagpapaako lang ng anak kay Ryo dahil kumpara kay Nate, hamak na mas mapera siya at mas may mapapala ako.
Long story short, they believe that the child I’m carrying isn’t Ryo’s son.
It was so fucked up that it rendered me speechless. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang unang iisipin. Kahit naman sabihin ko kay Ryo na walang nangyaring kahit ano, the pictures were solid evidences enough to cause doubt.
Was this how he felt when I got mad over his picture with Talie?
“Frankie…”
Napalingon ako sa kaniya na hindi ko man lang namalayang pumasok. Agad na bumaba ang tingin niya hawak kong papel at sa mga larawang nakakalat sa mesa. He quickly crossed the distance between us, bago niya nagmamadaling nilikom lahat ng kinalat ko.
“You believe this…” I assumed. If this ever happened to me, iyong ako ang makatanggap ng ganitong mga ebidensiya, paniguradong magdududa rin ako. Lalo na kung nangyari pa ’to nung mga panahong napapadalas na ang away namin. That already happened when there were evidences of him and Talie at a hotel’s parking lot.
Fine, I wouldn’t believe this in an instant! Dahil alam ko namang nasa spotlight iyong dalawa at lagi na lang pinagpipilitan sa isa’t isa. But definitely, I would be disappointed… then I would start to doubt him.
Siguro gano’n din siya sa ’kin ngayon. Maybe he wanted the closure now because he found out about this! Maybe he was just waiting for me to give birth, and he’s only sheltering me because there’s only a few days left before my due date. Siguro sa isip niya, kaya niya pang magtiis ng ilang araw. At ano ba naman ang ginagastos o nagastos nila sa ’kin kundi barya lang?
I don’t know! Siguro paraan niya ’to para makabawi ro’n sa nangyari sa ’min dati. He’s only doing this so that he could get rid of the guilt.
His jaw tightened. “Hindi. Sit down, don’t let your hormones get to you.”
“Stop lying to me!” I shouted. The tears followed suit, and they came non-stop.
He snatched the paper I was holding and crumpled it before shoving it to the envelope along with the pictures.
“Frankie, hindi nga,” mariin niyang sabi. He shuffled through the envelope’s contents and got the pictures out. Isa-isa niya iyong pinunit at kita ko ang panggigigil niya roon.
“But you’re doubting me now, aren’t you?!” Nanlalabo na ang paningin ko sa luha, but I could still see how angry he was. “Iniisip mo na rin na baka nga hindi mo anak ’to. You don’t have to lie to me, Ryo! I know how that felt—!”
He shut his eyes tight as if he was very, very frustrated. “Kahit hindi akin ’yan, kung sa ’kin mo gustong ipaako, okay lang.” His voice resonated in his room.
I could feel him trying to get a hold of his temper, and how he didn’t want to raise his voice. This was how he sounded whenever we would have a fight before.
I shook my head. He pinched the bridge of his nose and I flinched when he threw the envelope on the trash bin just below his desk. Sa sobrang lakas ng pagkakabato niya roon ay lumikha iyon ng ingay at natumba pa ang metal bin.
“I don’t believe you…” I told him. Why was it so hard for him to tell me the truth?
I know how happy he was that he would be a father, pero ngayong nalaman niyang posibleng hindi pala siya ang ama, panigurado akong galit siya. Galit nga siya talaga dapat! Sino ba’ng hindi magagalit?
“Tangina, sinabi ko nang hindi. Ano pa ba’ng hindi mo maintindihan, Frankie?”
“Nagalit ako sa ’yo nung nalaman ko ’yung kay Talie! Imposibleng hindi ka galit ngayon!”
“Magkaiba naman ’yun ng sitwasyon, Frankie. Natural na magalit ka kasi ang sama ng timing. Bakit ba gusto mo ’kong magalit sa ’yo?”
He scoffed at my lack of response. I had a lot more to say but it was already hard to breathe while crying. I tried to wipe my cheeks with the back of palms. It was useless because my tears seemed endless.
“Frankie,” tawag niya, mas marahan ngayon.
My heart ached at the way he called me. Thinking that it might be the last time I would hear the tenderness in his voice whenever he calls my name made my ribs hurt. “It’s really okay if you’re mad—”
“Mahal pa kita.”
Chapter 15: Sleeping Beauty
hhfm15 chapter 15: Sleeping Beauty
“Ipalilinis ’yung kuwartong ginagamit mo sa isang araw, tapos, puwedeng dito ka na magtigil.”
I scanned the place. The room’s bigger by a half than the guest room I have been occupying for the past months. Wala pang binubuksang ilaw si Ryo pero maliwanag at maaliwalas sa loob, probably because of the clean white walls and the huge window letting natural light pass through. In front of that was the crib that we bought and a bed frame. Katulad ng sa guest room ay may wall closet sa kanan, na paniguradong kahit isama ang damit ni Raiko, hindi ko kayang punuin. On the opposite side was a white door, which I assumed was leading to the bathroom. Mayro’n ding maliit na flat screen TV, isang mini shelf, at magkapares na lamesa’t upuan.
Ryo flicked the light switch on, at lalo lang nagliwanag. He closed the door and picked up the remote control on top of the table. That must be for the air conditioner. I clicked another switch and the lights were dimmed. Napalingon sa ’kin si Ryo dahil do’n.
“Masyado pa rin ba ’yang maliwanag para sa ’yo? Makakatulog ka ba ’pag ganiyan? Hindi kasi puwedeng madilim masyado e, gawa nung bata.”
“Okay na ’to,” I answered. He merely nodded before heading to the crib. I flicked the switch again and the lights were back to normal.
They set this free room up for me and Raiko. Hindi ko lang sure kung ibig sabihin ba no’n ay kasama ko rin si Ryo dito.
My expected due was in a few days, and it’s both exciting and terrifying. I wanted to call Nanay and ask for a little advice, but that would give away my pregnancy.
I watched as Ryo attached the small, hanging bears at the side of Raiko’s crib. Binaklas kasi iyon noong nilipat ang crib dito.
Ever since that incident, I felt like something changed, but I couldn’t pinpoint if it was in his end or mine. We’re still on speaking terms, though. It’s just that there’s something different now. Or maybe it was just me overthinking his actions and words. Pa’no ba naman kasi ako matatahimik pagkatapos kong malaman ’yon?
Ryo acted like nothing happened after dropping such a heavy confession. Parang hindi big deal sa kaniya ’yon habang ako’y mababaliw na ata sa kaiisip. Lagi naman siyang gano’n. Noong nag-stay ako sa kuwarto niya at siya sa kuwarto ko, noong hinawakan niya ang kamay ko, at pati na ’yong nangyaring halik sa pisngi noong Bagong Taon, laging parang wala lang sa kaniya.
We haven’t touched that topic again ever since that day. Maybe because we’re thinking the same thing— that my labour is the most important thing right now.
While I was trying my best to distract myself from the fear of delivery, si Ryo naman ay maya’t maya naman ang tanong sa ’kin kung may nararamdaman ba akong kung ano. Kaya ang ending, babalik ’yung kaba ko.
“Nandito ’yung damit ni Raiko, hindi ko pa naaayos kasi baka makita ni Mommy. May binili rin si Daddy na mga gamit, pero nasa kuwarto ko pa’t ’di ko pa nabubuksan.”
“Ryo,” tawag ko sa kaniya at agad siyang tumigil sa pag-aalwas ng mga damit ni Raiko mula ro’n sa bag na hawak niya. For a moment there, I hesitated to speak, baka kasi masamain niya ang itatanong ko.
“Bakit?” tanong niya nang bigla akong natahimik. I noticed how worry grew in his eyes when I didn’t respond.
“May masakit ba?”
Before I could even tell him no, he was already across the room, pulling the chair with him. Hindi naman ako nangangalay pero umupo na lang ako para hindi siya mag-alala masyado. Umandar na naman ang excessive worrying niya. Imbes na hindi ako kabahan sa panganganak, kakabahan ako dahil sa kaniya.
“Wala,” I assured him.
“Okay,” he said which sounded more like a sigh of relief.
“May itatanong kasi ako…”
His response was a jerked brow. Slowly, he crouched in front of me, with his hands on his knees, forcing me to lock gazes with him. He looked at me like he was telling me that I could ask him anything.
“Pa’no si Raiko? Kanino siya magii-stay?” nangangapa kong tanong.
Ilang beses siyang kumurap na parang hindi niya agad naintindihan ang sinabi ko. Umayos siya sa pagkakatayo at bahagyang lumayo, hindi ko alam kung para mag-isip-isip ng isasagot, o baka ayaw niyang ipakita sa ’kin ang reaksiyon niya sa tanong ko.
For sure, he wanted to see Raiko every day, and we could do that. We could at least try. Baka nga gusto niya pang makasama sa kuwarto sa pagtulog. I could not blame him. If I were in his shoes, gano’n din naman ang gugustuhin ko.
“Babalik ka pa naman dito, ’di ba? O sa inyo ka na ba titira?”
“I have work, so baka ilang buwan lang tayo kina Tatay. Babalik ako pagkatapos ng leave ko.”
Tumango siya kahit na feeling ko’y wala siya sa wisyo. I had saved up money enough for a few months of rent. Kaya pagbalik ko, kaya ko na ulit na umupa. Kung pipiliin na nga ni Cali na umalis na ulit si tiyahin niya, mapapagaan pa nang kunti ang gastos ko. Ang sobrang pera, pandagdag ko na sa gastusin kay Raiko. May nahanap na rin si Cali na mauupahan na mas maayos kaysa do’n sa luma naming pinagtitigilan.
“Wala kasing mag-aalaga kay Raiko ’pag nasa trabaho ako,” I told him. Palakad-lakad siya sa kuwarto. He stopped in front of the crib and spun the hanging bears with his fingers.
“Puwede siya rito sa bahay bago ka pumasok. We could hire someone, pero pakiramdam ko si Mommy na’ng mag-aalaga kung dito si Raiko e. Puwede rin namang ako. Kuhanin mo na lang bago ka umuwi?”
Iyon nga rin ang naisip ko. Nakakahiya lang dahil nagmumukha namang ginagawa ko lang silang tagaalaga. Hindi ko na nga lang talaga puwedeng pairalin ang hiya dahil para naman kay Raiko at kailangan ko rin talaga ng tulong.
“Okay, let’s try that,” I agreed, kahit na naiisip ko pa rin ang posibilidad na hindi pumayag sina Nanay. Pa’no kung mas gustuhin nilang do’n na lang muna ako sa ’min at do’n muna maghanap ng trabaho?
Hindi naman puwedeng do’n din si Ryo magtigil. His career is here. But that set-up would mean him not seeing Raiko for months.
Hindi ko na lang sinabi dahil ayaw kong isipin niya iyon. Alam kong malulungkot lang siya kaya sinarili ko na lang. I really do hope that my parents wouldn’t be so harsh on him. Mula pa naman noon e nag-e-effort na siyang magustuhan ng magulang ko. I could also see how eager he is to be a father. And I just know that he would be a good one.
Bumalik siya sa may tabi ko. He sat on the floor, at maya-maya lang ay nakita ko nang humiga na. Kumunot ang noo ko dahil mukhang may balak siyang matulog do’n sa sahig. He covered his eyes with his forearm so I couldn’t tell if he was trying to sleep.
“Puwede naman akong dumalaw sa uupahan mo, ’di ba?” mahina niyang tanong na parang nahihiyang iparinig sa ’kin. A slight ache in my chest awakened. He didn’t have to ask.
“Of course, Ryo.” Kung madali lang para sa ’kin na yumuko para hagipin ang pisngi niya’t haplusin, ginawa ko na. His question sounded too sad, at nagsususpetya na ako na naluluha na siya kaya niya tinatakluban ang mata niya.
“Hey,” I called softly. Bahagya niyang inisod ang braso niyang nakatakip sa mata niya. I knew he tried his hardest not to look sad, but he couldn’t hide anything from me. I know how to read him. “Kain tayo?” I suggested even if I wasn’t hungry. I just wanted to distract him from whatever he’s thinking because it’s making him upset and I don’t like it. I don’t want him to worry too much.
“Okay,” he said, lifting himself off the floor. Hindi na niya ako pinabababa para kumain kaya sigurado akong lalabas siya at iaakyat na lang dito sa kuwarto ang pagkain.
My hand moved on its own and grabbed his before he could even walk towards the door. It didn’t matter how I mustered up the courage to do that because Ryo didn’t pull his hand away, at ’yon ang pinakaimportante.
My throat went dry upon realizing what I just did. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng uunahing i-process, ’yung hiya ba, o kung dapat ko bang bitiwan ang kamay niya. Before I could even come up with something, I felt his fingers trying to intertwine with mine.
“Hm?” he hummed, urging me to say what I was supposed to tell him earlier, if only I didn’t get distracted when he laced his fingers with mine.
“We’ll be fine,” I whispered. Hindi lang iyon para sa kaniya kundi para sa akin na rin.
He smiled gently. Inalis niya ang pagkakahawak sa ’king kamay. For a split-second, I got worried that the hand-holding was too much for him. Napawi rin naman iyon nang dumampi ang kinalas niyang kamay sa ’king pisngi. I felt his thumb run over my cheek thrice.
“I know, Frankie.”
Gusto kong pumikit at ihilig pa lalo ang pisngi sa kamay niya. Ang ligamgam kasi at sarap sa pakiramdam. Saglit na nagtalo ang isip ko. Is it okay for us to do things like this?
May nagbago talaga.
* * *
When Ryo made that confession, I didn’t know how to react. I just stood there, frozen, confused if it was all just a dream. Ilang beses niya iyong pinaulit-ulit, parang sinisigurong naririnig at napoproseso ng utak ko ’yung sinabi niya. Effective naman dahil tumatak nga. Kung hindi ako umiyak, baka hindi ako nakatulog no’ng gabing ’yon dahil panay ang replay ng nangyari. Nakatulog nga ako pero hanggang panaginip e rinig ko pa rin. Mahal niya pa ako.
Bakit kaya?
Gusto ko nga ring itanong kung minsan ba, nagbago ’yung feelings niya sa ’kin. Nawala ba o nabawasan, o nayanig man lang. We did break up after all. Sa isang buwang hindi ko siya nakikita (bukod sa billboard niya na nadadaanan ko papunta sa office), hindi ko naman inisip ’yung feelings ko. Because what for? It was all done. Kahit naman ma-realize ko sa oras na ’yon na hindi ko kayang mag-move on, wala ring kwenta. E pa’no pa kaya siya? Kung sa mga nagdaang buwan e ang tagal niya palang bitbit ’yong feelings niya, hindi ba siya nahirapan?
The day after that, wala nang binanggit si Ryo na dahilan para mabuksan ang usapang ’yon. I never saw the brown envelope ever again. Kahit kapag kakain kami sa kuwarto ko, nag-uusap naman kami pero tungkol lang sa trabaho ko, o kaya ay sa panganganak.
It also became our habit to read pregnancy things together. Ako, sa laptop ko. Siya, sa cellphone niya.
Ang ine-expect ko nga ay hindi ulit kami magiimikan, dahil hindi mo naman talaga dapat bastabastang inaamin sa ex mo na mahal mo pa siya. Ryo made it hard for me to distance myself, though. Kung umakto kasi talaga siya e parang walang nangyari, at nadadala naman ako. Sometimes, though, I would find myself pausing to stare at him. Dahil bawat kilos niya, nakukulayan ko na ng kung anoano.
And I couldn’t help but feel things.
“Sigurado ka ba, Frankie? Akyat na tayo, bili na. Do’n na lang tayo sa kuwarto mo. Ipagtitimpla kitang gatas,” Ryo said for the nth time today. Today’s the expected day of my delivery, pero s’yempre, wala namang eksaktong oras at hindi naman 100 percent sure na ngayon nga. It could be tomorrow, or even the other day.
Naglalakad lang naman kami dito sa garden nila. Nawiwili kasi akong panoorin ’yung nagtatabas ng halaman. Si Ryo, feeling ko parang siya pa ang manganganak dahil ang putla na niya kasusunod sa ’kin, laging kabado. Bawat hakbang ko ata, sinisiguro niyang wala akong matatapakang kahit maliit na bato na puwede ko raw ikadapa.
“I’m fine here… Saka ilang araw na akong nakakulong sa taas,” I told him. Bahagya ko siyang tiningala para mahuli ang reaksiyon niya. He looked like he still wanted to argue with me, paniguradong sasabihing do’n na lang kani sa salas o kusina at ipagluluto niya ’ko ng kung ano-ano.
“Baka kasi mapa’no ka rito,” bubulong-bulong niyang sabi na ’di ko na lang pinansin. Nakatayo lang naman kami sa isang gilid habang nanonood ako ng nagtatabas. He was idly rubbing my lower back, na lagi niyang ginagawa kada makakakuha siya ng tiyempo. Minsan, pagkatapos kumain gagawin niya ’yon. O kaya e habang nagbabasa kami nang magkatabi.
Malas ko na lang dahil umambon bigla. I wanted to stay outside dahil nabuburyo na talaga akong nakakulong ako sa kuwarto ko, o sa kuwarto ni Raiko. Hindi ako mananalo sa pakikipagtalo kay Ryo dahil bawal ako maulanan. Sinundan ko siya sa kusina kahit na sabi niya ay sa salas na lang ako at samahan si Tita ro’n.
Si Tito, nasa garahe. Si Raianne, may pasok. Pakiramdam ko nga e kaya hindi pumasok para sa trabaho sina Tita ay gawa ng due ko. Si Tito lang ata ang hindi naaaligaga.
“Wala kang gagawin dito e. Sa salas puwede kang manood ng TV,” sabi ni Ryo habang nasa tapat ng ref. I wanted to say that I could just watch him pero baka mamaya e sobra siyang ma-distract do’n at mahiwa ang sarili niya kaya nanahimik na lang ako.
Bukod sa aminang nangyari, hindi na rin namin pinag-uusapan si Talie. Ang weird nga. All of a sudden, hindi na nakatali ang pangalan ni Ryo sa kaniya. I have a feeling that the envelope had reached Tita or something… At naalala ko rin ’yung sinabi ni Ryo na hindi naman siya ang tinutukoy ni Talie, sadyang marami lang nag-a-assume na siya. Probably because of their pictures, na ayaw na rin naming ungkatin dahil napag-usapan naman na.
Si Cali, malakas tsumismis; walang bago ro’n. Hindi ko nga alam kung sino ba talaga ang kapit niya dahil masyadong exclusive ’yong kinukuwento niya sa ’kin. Nabalitaan daw niyang nangibang-bansa si Talie. Nabalitaan din niyang may boyfriend na foreigner. Ewan ko na lang kung totoo.
Dumadalaw siya rito paminsan-minsan, kasama si Nate kung may libreng oras. Nahihiya lang silang dalawa dahil dumadalas na naaabutan sila ni Tita sa bahay. Si Nate, mas nahihiya (o baka natatakot) dahil kay Ryo. ’Di ko nga alam kung anong ginawa ni Ryo sa kaniya noong pinuntahan siya sa kanila para hanapin ako, dahil mukhang masyado ’yong tumatak sa isip ni Nate.
The clock was ticking. Naghahalo-halo na ang nararamdaman ko, nangingibabaw ang kaba at excitement. Masakit iyon, panigurado. Sa dami ng nabasa kong experiences ng mga first-time mothers, saka sa kuwento ni Tita at Tito, alam kong masakit talaga. Hindi ko rin alam kung ilang oras ang aabutin ng delivery ko. For sure, it’s going to be exhausting. Mayroon nga raw na 48 hours mahigit ang tinatagal. Sana naman hindi gano’n sa ’kin. Baka mahimatay si Ryo sa kaba.
It was already nine in the evening, at nasa kuwarto na ulit ako. Nakauwi na si Raianne kanina pa. Wala pa naman akong nararamdamang kakaiba.
“Gusto mo ba do’n na lang tayo sa isang kuwarto?” I asked Ryo. Kanina pa siya nakatayo sa gilid ng kama ko, nagmumukha na nga siyang nurse.
Bukas ang TV at nanonood kami ng teleseryeng nasubaybayan na namin dahil lagi kaming sabay nagdi-dinner sa kuwarto, nawalan kami ng choice kundi panoorin ’yon. Kaya sinubaybayan na lang namin.
He shook his head, eyes still glued on the television. “Hindi na-Bakit niya hinalikan?!”
Napalingon ako sa TV dahil sa bahagyang pagtaas ng boses niya. There was a kissing scene playing-the secretary and the boss in his office. Saglit lang ang itinagal no’n ngunit nasundan din agad ng isa pa. I had to look away.
Napalingon ako kay Ryo na hinugot ang upuan na nakasalpak sa mesa at inilagay sa tabi ng kama ko. He sat there, still intently watching. Kunot ang noo at mukhang malaki ang galit sa male lead na akala mo e ang laki ng kasalanan nito sa kaniya.
“Hindi pa niya sinasabing gusto niya na rin ’yung babae tapos hinalikan niya!” He sounded so frustrated.
Lihim akong napangiti dahil parang sobrang invested niya sa pinapanood.
Iritable siyang napakamot sa kaniyang buhok. It seemed like if he could go inside the scene and pull the two away from each other, ginawa na niya.
Nahuli niya akong nakatingin. Humupa ang iritasyon sa mukha niya. Maingat akong bumangon sa pagkakahiga at umupo na lang sa gilid, iyong mas malapit sa kaniya. I stacked my pillows para malambot ang masasandalan ko.
“Oo nga, but maybe he got too caught up in the moment. And unlike the girl, he seemed to be the type of person who’s not good with words,” ambag ko sa comment niya sa pinanonood namin. Nag-commercial break na.
“Pero kahit na, unfair ’yon sa babae. Salita at gawa ’yung kaniya e, tapos ang ibabalik sa kaniya, gawa lang? Mahirap ’yun. Ang labo.”
Nilingon ko siya at nahuling nakatingin pa rin sa ’kin. Blangko lang ang tingin ko sa kaniya at hinayaan siyang mapraning sa kung ano ang iniisip ko, kahit wala naman talaga. His lips twisted, a sign of discomfort. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa labi niyang kumibot. Nang iangat ko ulit ang tingin sa mukha niya’y namimilog na ang singkitin niyang mata. Kung ano-ano na naman ang iniisip, panigurado.
I stifled a laugh. Nasapo ko na lang ang noo ko. I feel like I have an idea on what he’s thinking right now. Hindi ko sure kung tama.
“If you were the girl, magagalit ka ba du’n sa boss mong crush mo?” I asked.
His expression hardened. Tensiyonado.
Pinaling na niya ang tingin sa TV. His jaw ticked.
“Oo. Hindi puwede ’yung gano’n. Unfair. Dapat umamin muna sa ’kin ’yung boss ko.”
“Really, Ryo?” I asked.
He didn’t answer. I saw him gulp.
“Magagalit ka?”
Nilingon niya ako, inis na inis na ang mukha ngayon. I kept my face straight; I know how to piss him off more. Ayaw na ayaw niya nang hindi niya ako kayang basahin, especially when I sound like I’m suggesting something, pero taliwas naman ang pinakikita ng mukha ko.
Mariin ang pagkakakagat niya sa ibabang labi. Hindi ko naman sinasadyang mapababa ang tingin ko ro’n. The moment my eyes wandered off to his lips, he nearly knocked his chair over. Mabilis siyang tumayo at sinalpak iyon pabalik sa mesa. Medyo padabog pa.
“Do’n na nga tayo sa kabilang kuwarto,” parang pagalit pa ’yon. He picked up the remote control and turned the TV off. Hindi na niya hininaan ang volume. Pinatay na lang talaga nang basta at padabog pang binalik sa mesa.
Kakamot-kamot sa batok siyang lumapit ulit sa ’kin para umalalay.
“Talaga nga, Ryo? Magagalit ka?” I teased him more. Para siyang binabad bigla sa arawan dahil bigla siyang namula.
Sinuot niya pa ang slides sa ’kin kahit kaya ko naman na.
“Oo nga,” masungit niyang sagot. Naglalakad na kami papunta sa kuwarto ni Raiko pero hindi humuhupa ang kulay niya.
He opened the door for me and I asked him again.
“Sure?”
Nagusot ang buong mukha niya ro’n, and it reminded me of how he looked at me during my first month of staying here. Parang sasabog na sa inis.
“Bakit mo ba ’ko tinatanong? Hindi naman ako mag-aartista at kukuha ng gano’ng role.”
“I just wanna know.”
Umiwas siya ng tingin. Kahit na dimmed lights lang ang bukas, malinaw na malinaw sa ’kin ang pagkapula ng mukha niya.
“Oo nga,” ulit niya sa sagot niya kanina.
“Really? ’Pag hinalikan ka ng taong gusto mo nang walang assurance na gusto ka niya, magagalit ka talaga?”
“Hindi… Hindi ata… Baka nga hindi…” Nagbago na ang isip niya.
Pinaikot-ikot ko lang nang kaunti, iba na ang sagot niya. Sabi na nga ba.
Mukhang wala pa siya sa wisyo nang sabihin iyon. Hindi ko na napigilan ’yung tawa ko.
Dahil do’n e napalingon siya sa ’kin at galit na ang itsura ngayon. Para namang kasalanan kong biglang nagbago ang sagot niya.
“Magagalit ako!” dumagundong ang boses niya sa kuwarto. Pagkatapos ay padabog niyang binitawan ang remote sa mesa.
“’Wag na ngang manood ng TV!”
I chuckled. He went beside me and sat on his side of the bed. Napagkasunduan na namin iyon. He could stay here with me, pero hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan.
Kunot pa rin ang noo niya nang ayusin niya ang kumot ko.
“Ano ba talaga?” I asked him again.
He frowned. Humugot siya ng malalim na hininga. “Depende kung kaya kong magalit sa taong ’yon.”
“Pa’no kung hindi?”
He pursed his lips. “Edi hindi.”
I found myself smiling at that. His annoyed expression melted. Napailing na lang siya sa ’kin bago humiga sa tabi ko.
“Wala ka ba talagang nararamdamang kahit ano?” he asked.
Nalito pa ako kung ano ’yung tinutukoy niya.
“Wala… Wala rin namang masakit.”
“Okay. Try mo na matulog. Malay mo mamayang alasonse ’yan…”
“Baka hindi pa kasi ngayon,” mabagal kong sabi, pilit na pinapaintindi sa kaniya yon. Mas kabado pa ata siya kaysa sa ’kin. Kung puwede ko nga lang ata ipasa sa kaniya ang panganganak, tatanggapin niya e.
“Get some sleep, Frankie,” he said with his eyes closed. Matutulog na naman talaga ako, ang daldal niya lang talaga.
“Matulog ka rin. I’d wake you up if I ever feel something weird,” I said. I felt him adjusting his position.
“Baka hindi ako magising agad… Natatakot ako matulog,” he said worriedly.
I clicked my tongue. “Magigising ka.”
“Para akong si Sleeping Beauty matulog, Ceskang… Panoorin na lang muna kita.”
I covered half of my face with the comforter to hide my grin. May naisip na naman akong pang-inis.
“Don’t worry. Alam ko naman kung ano ang pampagising kay Sleeping Beauty.”
“Frankie,” nagbabanta niyang sabi. I chuckled.
Masyadong malalim ang naging buntonghininga niya.
* * *
I woke up without Ryo beside me. Baka umalis para mag-jogging, o nasa baba lang. Pinakikiramdaman ko pa rin ang sarili. Sa huling punta namin sa OB-GYN, sabi sa ’mi’y normal lang naman daw kung ma-delay ng ilang araw mula sa predicted due. Winarningan lang akong mas maging maingat.
May almusal na nakalapag sa mesa. Inalis ko ang taklob at may mangkok do’n ng arroz caldo at isang tasa ng gatas. I picked up the blue sticky note on the tray.
Good morning. Inutusan ako ni Daddy na magdala ng files kay Tita Fiona. Balik ako agad. Nandiyan naman sina Daddy, magsabi ka agad pag may nararamdaman ka.
Dinampot ko iyon at pumunta sa kuwarto ko. I opened my drawer and looked for my folder na ginagamit ko sa office. Tadtad iyon ng sticky notes na puro reminders at deadlines. Inipit ko ro’n ang note ni Ryo para ’di magusot bago bumalik sa kuwarto ni Raiko para kumain.
Inabala ko ang sarili sa mga damit ni Raiko. Inilagay ko ’yon sa aparador kasama ng iilang tshirt ni Ryo. Nagtira lang ako ng iilan sa bag, para dadalhin sa ospital. ’Yong bigay ni Tito Finn na kung ano-ano, nakabalot pa rin at ayaw pabuksan ni Ryo dahil baka raw makita ni Tita.
A few days ago, halos magbulyawan ’yung mag-ina dahil ayaw talagang papasukin ni Ryo si Tita, gawa nga ng makikita ’yung gamit ni Raiko. Si Tito, natatawa lang. Raianne looked as curious as her mother pero hindi naman nangungulit.
Ryo came back before lunch time. Naka-slacks siyang itim at long-sleeves na gray. Mukhang iritang-irita siya sa suot niya dahil panay ang kamot niya sa may batok. Hindi siguro kumportable sa kuwelyo.
“Kumain ka na?” Ryo asked, turning his back on me as he removed his shirt. Mabilis siyang kumuha ng malinis na t-shirt sa aparador at sinuot ’yon, nagmamadali na ’di ko malaman kung nahihiya bang makita ko siyang hubad.
“No, I was waiting for you,” I answered. Dinampot niya ang tray ng pinagkainan ko kaninang umaga. Wala kasing kumuha dito kanina, baka masyadong abala sa pag-aayos ng bahay ang mga tao o nalimutan lang. Nahihiya naman akong magtawag.
I picked up the long-sleeved shirt he was wearing earlier and folded it neatly. Basta na lang kasi niyang nilagay sa isang gilid.
“Sige, kuha ako ng pagkain sa baba,” aniya, panay pa rin ang kamot sa may batok at leeg. Pinagpawisan siguro.
“Ba’t ba ganito ang suot mo?”
“Sabi ni Tita Fio ’di raw niya ’ko papapasukin kapag hindi ako naka-formal. Ewan ko du’n, parang si Daddy ’yun e,” iritable niyang sagot bago lumabas.
Pagbalik niya ay may dala na siyang pagkain. Binuksan niya ang TV bago kami tahimik na kumain lang sa mesa. Napapatigil ako sa pagnguya tuwing may mararamdamang paggalaw sa loob ko. Hindi ko pinahahalata kay Ryo dahil baka mag-panic mode na naman siya.
“Dito ka lang muna, ah? Sigaw ka lang ng pangalan ko ’pag may nangyari,” natatawa niyang sabi. I rolled my eyes at him and slid the tray to his side.
“Maglalambing pa ’ko kay Mommy e. Andiyan lang naman ’yun sa kuwarto,” he added.
My brows met. “Galit na naman sa ’yo?”
“Oo, kasi ’di ko siya pinapayagang pumasok dito,” he chuckled, “Pero okay na kami nu’n, favorite ako nu’n e.”
Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mata at tinaasan ng kilay. Magaan sa pakiramdam ang ngiti niya kaya hindi rin nagtagal ang sungit ko. Nakakadala kasi.
“I’m going to tell Raianne,” I said jokingly.
“Okay lang. Siya naman ang favorite ni Daddy kaya patas lang.”
Paglabas niya ay tumayo ako papunta sa crib, iniisip kung ano ang hitsura no’n kapag nando’n na si Raiko. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw a newborn baby, kaya hindi ko rin matantiya kung gaano siya kalaki, o kaliit kapag buhat ng ama niya.
Isang oras na ata ang lumipas pero hindi pa rin bumabalik si Ryo, baka nahihirapang sumuyo kay Tita. Nakadungaw lang ako sa bintana nang may naramdamang kung ano. I rushed to the bathroom to pee. Paglabas ko, akala ko’y okay na pero pakiramdam ko, tuloy-tuloy. May tumutulo.
Para akong nanlamig sa kinatatayuan ko. Reminding myself not to panic, I went outside with careful, long strides. Hindi naman siya masakit, pero ’yung kaba ko, unti-unti nang gumagapang sa ’kin. Kumatok ako sa pinto ng kuwarto nina Tita at napansin ang bahagyang panginginig ng kamay ko sa kaba. Pagbukas no’n ay tinago ko agad ang kamay kong nangangatal sa ’king likuran.
“Bakit? Okay ka lang?” pambungad ’yon ni Ryo. Sumilip si Tita sa may likuran niya at kinawayan pa ako.
I managed to smile. Sa hitsura ni Ryo na mukhang lalo lang lumala ang pag-aalala, sigurado akong ang pangit ng pagkakangiti ko.
Pilit kong pinakakalma ang sarili para hindi siya napraning dahil naman kailangan. “I think my water just broke…” I whispered.
Halos magkandarapa siya sa pagtakbo sa hagdan para ipahanda ang sasakyan. Then I heard a loud thud… Sinundan ’yon ng malakas na tawa na parang galing kay Tito Finn. Parang may nadapa nga yata.
Chapter 16: Isaac
hhfm16 chapter 16: Isaac
“Kumalma ka nga!”
“Are you shouting at me?!”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Hindi ko alam kung matatawa ba ako o kakabahan na baka biglang magkaro’n ng giyera dito sa sasakyan. Ryo’s hold on my hand tightened a bit. I felt the fingers of his free hand raking through my hair. Maingay na ang kalabog ng dibdib ko sa kaba, tapos ang ingay pa sa sasakyan.
“Hindi kita sinisigawan,” mas kalmadong sabi ni Tito Finn. “Sorry na.”
I was right when I said that Ryo got most of his character from his mother. Sabay silang kinabahan. Sabay silang praning na praning kanina. Tito was so chill and that drove Tita mad. Si Ryo, hindi ko alam kung humihinga pa ba nang alalayan akong bumaba papunta sa sasakyan. I told him that it doesn’t hurt… yet. I know that the contractions are soon to follow, at ’yon ang sigurado akong masakit. I was already bracing myself for that type of pain. Sa mga nabasa ko pa nga lang, napapakapit na ako sa upuan ko kung pa’no dinescribe ang sakit. But for now, I don’t feel anything painful. Except for maybe my head… kanina pa kasi sila nagsisigawan sa sasakyan at ang sakit sa tainga at ulo.
“No, you shouted at me!” Tita fired back. Napahilot na lang ako sa sentido. I just wanted to get to the hospital in silence and peace, pero hindi ko alam kung paano ko patatahimikin ang isang Mirae Lim. “Mamarkahan ko ang araw na ’to, Finnigan!”
I sighed. Pagmulat ko ay naabutan ko si Ryo na nakatingin sa ’kin. Halos tuluyang mawala na ang kulay sa kaniyang mukha. He gently squeezed my hand before looking away.
“’My, ’wag kayong maingay…” saway niya. Natahimik nga ang sasakyan pagkatapos no’n. Ryo’s palm was getting kinda sweaty but I didn’t mind. I felt like if I were to let go of his hand, lalo lang siyang mamamawis sa kaba. Holding his hand kind of calms me down, too. I couldn’t process how nervous I was because I got too occupied on making sure he wouldn’t worry too much.
This could take several hours, maybe even days… I would hold his hand until then.
Pagkarating sa ospital ay gusto ko nang humiram ng cellphone kay Ryo at sabihing tawagan sina Nanay. Saka lang nag-sink-in sa ’king manganganak na ’ko nang napapalibutan na ’ko ng mga puting dingding at mga nurse. For a moment there, I chickened out. But I knew that the moment I tell my parents about my delivery, bibyahe sila papunta rito agad. I was not even sure if they had the budget to do that, kaya hindi ako puwedeng tumawag. Nilapirot ko na ang kamay ni Ryo nang makaramdam na rin ng kaba. I thought I could have my delivery jitters under control but I thought wrong!
Binitiwan ko ang kamay ni Ryo dahil nabugbog ko na iyon, panigurado. I clasped my hands together instead. I’d rather break my own fingers than break his. Magba-basketball pa siya, hindi puwedeng mabali ko ang mga buto-buto niya.
“Hey.” The hand I let go just now crawled back to me, na parang hindi kayang mawalay sa ’kin kahit sandali. He reached for my face and I almost melted upon feeling his thumb stroke my cheek. He was still as pale as a ghost. Now, we’re both worried. Hindi ko na alam kung paano kami kakalma pareho.
Bumaba ang kamay niya para muling hagipin ang kamay ko. Ilang beses akong humingang malalim. His thumb carefully stroked my hand, and I tried my best not to squeeze his fingers.
“Kaya mo pa, Ceskang?” he whispered. The contractions have not started, yet. Tumango ako kahit na hindi sigurado.
I thought that if I would read about the experiences of first-time moms like me, I would be less scared and more prepared. Pero sa ngayon, parang lumala ata ang takot ko dahil panay ang replay sa isip ko ng lahat ng nabasa ko. What if I couldn’t handle the pain? Would something happen to Raiko?
“I’m scared.”
He gently squeezed my hand. I let out an exhausted sigh, and I could almost feel the tears welling up.
“Ryo, uwi na tayo.”
He chuckled lightly before kissing my forehead. “Uuwi na tayo maya-maya. Mabilis lang ’to.”
He was a fucking liar.
Dahil putang ina, ang tagal!
To say that it was painful would be an understatement. I felt like in each passing second, pinapatay ako nang paulit-ulit. I didn’t know how many hours had passed but we’re not going home any minute soon! I lost count on how many times the doctor had checked on me. Hindi ko na rin mabilang kung ilang beses kong namura si Ryo kahit na kaharap ang magulang niya. I was not the type of person to cuss aloud, pero imposibleng hindi ako mapamura dito dahil sobrang sakit!
Hawak ni Ryo ang phone niya. I could hear him telling me the intervals of my contractions but I was too exhausted to digest the information. Wala akong pakialam kung isang minuto o dalawa ang pagitan! Kahit naman gaano kalaki o kaliit ang interval, masakit pa rin!
“Don’t fucking touch me!” I screamed on his face. Mabilis na kumalas ang kamay niyang alam kong sa likuran ko na pupunta. He was sweating bullets. Naghalo na ang luha at pawis sa mukha ko. I wanted to check on the time, pero alam kong ’pag nabilang ko kung ilang oras na ang lumipas, lalo ko lang mararamdaman ang pagod.
“Frankie,” takot na takot niyang tawag. “H-Huminga ka lang—”
“’Wag mo nga ’kong utusan—!” My litany was cut short when I felt another contraction. Ramdam na ramdam kong tuyong-tuyo na ang labi ko. I had experienced pulling two consecutive all-nighters for work, travelling from one place to another without getting a wink of sleep, pero walang makakatalo sa lakas maka-drain ng energy ng panganganak.
Instead of Ryo’s hand, I reached for the shirt he was wearing. Do’n ko nailabas ang gitil ko sa sakit. I was getting annoyed with him being noisy and telling me to calm down, but I still didn’t want to break his hands. Wala naman na akong narinig na reklamo sa kaniya kahit lambitinan ko ang suot niyang t-shirt. Panay lang ang pagpapatahan niya.
Several hours of screaming and squirming in pain had passed before I was instructed by the doctor to push Raiko out. Kung sino-sinong diyos na ata ang tinawag ko para lang matapos na lahat. I ended up pushing Ryo away and holding on the edge of the bed instead. I told him to leave but he stayed put beside me.
“Almost there, Mommy,” I heard the doctor say. “Kaunti na lang!”
I shook my head. Kailan ba ’to matatapos? Hindi ko na kaya. At ilang beses na rin ba niya akong nasabihan na malapit na? Even the doctor was lying to me! Why was everyone lying to me?!
“Kaunti na lang daw, Fra—”
“Shut up!” I pushed him away. I heard the doctor; he didn’t need to repeat what she said! Naririndi na ako! At bakit ba siya lapit nang lapit?! And how dare he sound cheery while I was struggling here!
I must have looked scary because I saw how terrified he stared back at me. Hindi na ako magtataka. I felt like a breathing dead body ready to be buried. Tuyong-tuyo na ang labi at lalamunan ko.
“Hinding-hindi na ako magpapabuntis sa ’yo ulit!” I screamed as I tried to push the baby out as per the doctor’s instructions.
I heard someone laugh, and I was sure that it was Ryo’s father. Nakagat ko ang bibig para mapigilan ang sariling murahin siya. I wouldn’t be able to handle the embarrassment if ever. Si Ryo na lang ang binugbog ko ng mura na hindi ko na alam kung kinakabahan pa ba o naguguluhan na ang hitsura.
After hours which felt like years of torture, I collapsed on the bed. Hinayaan ko muna ang sariling pumikit. My throat felt dry with all the screaming.
The silence was short-lived. A loud, high-pitched crying filled the room the moment I stopped cursing Ryo to death.
It seemed like I wouldn’t run out of tears. Sigurado akong si Raiko ang naririnig kong umiiyak. God, the pain was worth it.
“Daddy, cut the cord na,” the doctor said. Saka ko lang babahagyang minulat ang mata. Sa pagkaputla ni Ryo, kitang-kita ang pamumula ng ilong niya. He looked at me and I nodded at him. He wiped his tears away with his forearm.
“Sure ka, Doc?” Garalgal pa ang boses niyang nagtanong. “Hindi ba masasaktan si Frankie?”
Natawa ang doktor do’n. There was a louder laughter coming from the corner of the room. It seemed like Tito Finn made us his source of entertainment.
“Gupitin mo na lang, Ryo,” saway ko sa kaniya. Sisinghot-singhot pa niyang ginawa ’yon.
He went back to me after. I tried to see what he’s looking at. They’re weighing the baby. They’re weighing ourbaby.
“Ang galing-galing mo…” I heard him say which made me shift my gaze back to him. Pulang-pula ang ilong niya at panay ang pisil niya ro’n. Napapikit ako nang hawiin niya ang mga buhok kong dumikit na sa ’king noo.
“I’m tired,” I told him. The pain had subsided, but there’s still a slight discomfort.
“Alam ko. Magpapahinga ka na. Uuwi na tayo maya-maya. Totoo na ’to.” He laughed at the end of his sentence.
After Raiko was cleaned up, maingat siyang ipinasa sa ’kin. Someone helped me with the gown I was wearing so Raiko could lay on my bare chest. My eyes were glued to all his little movements—the curling of his fingers, the way he slightly nibbled on his lips. He was tiny, and very, very fragile.
I lost it when he slowly opened his eyes. Humahagulgol na si Ryo sa gilid ko but I couldn’t look at him because I wanted to watch Raiko blink. A little while later and he latched onto one of my nipples.
“’Wag ka ngang umiyak,” I told Ryo though my own tears wouldn’t stop falling.
He didn’t listen. Panay ang punas niya sa mukha niya gamit ang likod ng palad. His father went beside him and tapped him on the shoulders. Kabaliktaran ni Ryo, walang bakas ng luha sa mukha ni Tito Finn. He was just smiling, jolly as ever.
“Tumahan ka nga, ’nak. Ang pangit mo umiyak e,” natatawang sabi nito. Ryo shoved his hand away.
Sunod niya akong nilingon. “Ayos ka lang, Frankie?”
I nodded weakly. Binalik ko ang tingin kay Raiko na nagpapahinga na lang ngayon sa dibdib ko.
We were then transferred to a room. I was able to rest for a little while. Akala ko nga’y babagsak agad ang katawan ko sa sobrang pagod. Pero sasaglit lang ang naging pahinga ko at pagkagising, si Raiko agad ang hinahanap ko.
He was so small beside me. At kahit ata maghapon ko siyang tingnan, hindi ako mapapagod. His fingers were tiny, and even the mere sight of him curling his hands puts me in a state of awe. Manipis pa lang ang buhok niya. He was a tad shade lighter than my skintone, and I had this gut feel that he would grow up looking more like his father than me. Gaano kaya siya kaliit kapag ama na niya ang may buhat sa kaniya?
Speaking of his father, kalalabas lang ni Ryo mula sa banyo. His eyes and nose were still red. Hindi ko alam kung kailan niya ba balak tumigil sa kaiiyak. I had seen him cry before, pero hindi ganito kalala.
“Stop crying, Ryo,” I told him when he went beside Raiko to look at him. Tinitingnan pa lang niya, feeling ko mapapabalik ulit siya sa banyo para maghilamos.
Natutop niya ang bibig bago tumango, mukhang napilitan pa. I could see how he was shaking inside while trying to hold his tears.
“Hindi naman ako nananaginip, ’di ba?” he asked. I shook my head and smiled. Lalo lang nanginig ang labi niya. God, he’s going to cry again, I just know.
Someone came over to monitor us and to advise me on breastfeeding. Pagkatapos ay tinawagan ko na si Cali para ibalita. Of course, she screamed over the phone.
“Parehas kayo ng Mommy mo e, mga reindeer,” natatawang sabi ni Tito Finn. I was informed that I might be staying here for two days, kahit puwede na naman kaming umuwi bukas, dahil ’di raw mapakali si Tita sa lagay ng bahay at kuwarto namin.
“Ewan ko sa ’yo, ’Dy,” iritableng sabi ni Ryo at nakasimangot na sa tatay niya.
“Pulang-pula ilong ninyong dalawa e. Dinaig mo pa ata si Frankie, ’nak,” gatong pa niya.
Most of the time, Raiko was asleep. And most of the time, nakatitig lang kami ni Ryo sa kaniya. Mawawala lang ang tingin namin sa kaniya kapag may dumadating sa kuwarto. Kagaya ngayon.
“Hala, may baby!”
“Gago, ’wag ka ngang maingay. Natutulog,” saway ni Ryo sa kaniya.
Cora smiled at me. She was just a few months younger than Ryo and refused when I called her Ate Maxel the first time I met her. Malaki ang mata ni Theo na naktingin kay Raiko na tulog na tulog sa dibdib ko.
“Dada’s talking to Tito,” Cora told Ryo before sitting on the chair beside me.
Nilingon niya ako at sinipat si Raiko. “Hi, baby,” she cooed, even though Raiko wouldn’t hear her.
“Masakit?” sunod niyang tanong. She took her phone out of her shoulder bag. Pakiramdam ko’y ang bigat ng cellphone niya sa dami ng palawit do’n. There was a small cat plushie and other sparkling charms dangling from her phone.
“Sobra,” I answered. Napanguso siya bago tumango. May tinipa siya sa cellphone bago ako angatin ulit ng tingin.
“Can I take a photo of him? I won’t upload it anywhere. I’ll just send it to Sid.”
“Sure.” I nodded. She smiled at me before snapping a few photos of Raiko.
Maligalig si Theo at Ryo. Theo’s two years younger than me, and he was very close with Ryo. Siguro dahil silang dalawa lang ang lalaki sa kanila.
“Ang liit pala,” komento niya. Nginisian niya lang ako saglit bago ibaba ang tingin kay Raiko.
“Malamang,” nakasimangot na sabi ni Ryo.
“Mukhang kasya ’yan sa ring. Sa tingin mo?”
“Gago. Bakit ko naman ishu-shoot sa ring ang anak ko?”
“Pero kasya, ’di ba?”
Nilingon ni Ryo ang anak. Sinukat ang ulo gamit ang palad. I glared at him at tinigilan niya ’yung ginagawa niyang kalokohan. Hinigit niya si Theo palabas pero narinig ko ang huli niyang sinabi.
“Oo, kasya ’yun. Pasok na pasok.”
Napailing na lang ako. Cora asked me questions about pregnancy while we’re waiting for the two idiots to come back inside.
“Kailan ang binyag?”
“Pagkauwi ko siguro.”
She nodded. “Ah… When’s the wedding?”
Natigilan ako ro’n. She looked at me innocently. Ilang sandali siyang panay lang ang kurap sa ’kin bago nagbawi ng tingin at namula nang bahagya ang pisngi. Saka lang niya siguro naalala na… hiwalay pa rin kami ni Ryo.
“Sorry,” nakatungo niyang sabi habang pinaglalaruan ang mga palawit sa kaniyang phone.
“It’s okay,” I assured her. Sometimes, I feel like I was older than her. She’s so soft-spoken and clueless.
Pagbalik ni Ryo ay may kasama na siya, but Theo was out of sight. Namumukhaan ko ang tiyuhin niyang singkit.
“Kailan kayo uuwi?” he asked before sitting beside Cora. His wife remained standing beside me, looking at Raiko with wide eyes. Nakakapit siya sa braso ni Ryo.
“Sa isang araw pa, Tito Max. Alam mo naman si Mommy.”
“Da, baby!” Ryo’s aunt pointed at Raiko, tapos ay tumingin sa asawa. I heard Tito Max chuckle.
“We’re too old for that, Wrai.”
Natawa rin ako ro’n. When they left, si Cali naman ang pumalit. Hindi rin siya nagtagal. Natahimik ulit ang kuwarto namin nang umalis siya at kami lang ni Ryo ang naiwan.
Ryo looked dead tired. Pagod na pagod ang mata dahil hindi pa natutulog at panay ang iyak kanina.
He was just sitting beside me, watching Raiko sleep. Inaantok na rin ako pero nawiwili pa rin akong panoorin si Raiko. Saka baka kasi biglang magising, magutom. Baka biglang magmulat ng mata. Baka biglang gumalaw.
“Frankie…”
“Hm?” My eyes were only half-opened. Bumibigat na ang talukap ko. Hanggang sa hindi ko na kayanin at pumikit na lang. Gising pa rin naman nang bahagya ang diwa ko.
“What is it, Ryo?” I asked with my eyes closed. I didn’t hear a response. Pinilit kong buksan muli ang mata kahit papaano.
“Wala,” he said, smiling and shaking his head. Kinunutan ko siya ng noo pero hindi pa rin siya nagsalita. “Pahinga ka na. Uuwi na rin tayo.”
* * *
Pag-uwi namin, maingay. Narinig ko pa si Tita na ngumangawa kay Ryo na hindi raw sinabi na lalaki ang magiging apo niya. Tahimik lang ako habang pinapanood siyang maluha habang nakatingin kay Raiko na buhat ko. She reminded me of how Ryo looked like the first time he saw Raiko and it was amusing to see.
“Cute ’no, ’My? Kamukha ko,” natatawang sabi ni Ryo, sure akong pinapa-good mood lang ang nanay niyang mukhang magagalit na naman sa kaniya.
“So adorable.” She sighed dreamily. Nakatingin lang sa kaniya si Raiko.
“Lola ka na!” Narinig kong sabi ni Tito Finn mula sa likuran ko. May pinatong siyang mga papel sa mesa bago natatawang tinuro-turo si Tita at mala-demonyong tumawa. Nang-aasar na naman. I caught Ryo stifling a laugh.
“No!” mabilis na angil ni Tita. She shifted her gaze back to Raiko. “I’m not Lola. I’m Lola Mommy!” sabi niya rito na parang naiintindihan na siya ng apo.
Dahil mukhang hindi agad matitigil ang gulong sinimulan ng tatay niya, Ryo told me that we better head upstairs.
“Pinagawa ni Mommy kay Tita Seonja,” I heard him say as I settle on the bed. Iniba nang kaunti ang puwesto ng mga gamit. The crib was now against the wall and beside the bed, tapos ang katabi ay ang mesa. Kumpleto roon ng gamit pambata.
“What’s that?” I asked. He was smiling when he handed me the soft towel he was holding. The lining was in gold, shiny material. Maging ang nakaburdang pangalan ay makintab at maliwanag: Raiko Isaac.
Isaac was the name of my late grandfather. I couldn’t remember any memory with him because I was too young when he died. Si Ryo ang nag-suggest no’n at pumayag ako. I only told him once about Lolo but it seemed like he had not forgotten about the story.
The first few days were difficult. Mas matindi ang puyat at pagod sa pag-aalaga kumpara sa trabaho. Raiko was loud. Sabi nga ni Ryo, parang may built-in megaphone. Bumabawi na lang ako sa kain kahit na mas gusto kong matulog. Bawal din naman akong magtipid sa kain dahil nagpapa-breastfeed pa.
Kalalapag ko pa lang kay Raiko sa crib ay umiyak na naman siya. Kahihiga ko lang. Kapapatong ko pa lang ng kumot sa katawan ko pero parang babangon na naman ako. Ryo sighed. Wala naman kasi siyang nagagawa kundi samahan akong magpuyat. I wasn’t comfortable yet with the breast pump thing. At kahit gusto niya, hindi niya kayang padedehin ang bata.
“Frankie, pagod na pagod ka na. May gusto ka bang kainin? Magpapaluto ako,” he said. Naunahan niya pa akong makapunta sa crib.
I just want to sleep. Even just three hours of uninterrupted sleep would be good.
“Tahan na, baby. Pagod na si Mama mo,” rinig kong sabi ni Ryo bago buhatin si Raiko. Umipod ako sa gilid nang umupo siya sa tabi ko. Inunat niya ang binti sa kama at sumandal sa headboard.
Surprisingly, Raiko stopped wailing. Marahan lang siyang hinehele ni Ryo.
“Hindi naman ata gutom, Frankie. Baka ayaw lang ng binababa siya,” Ryo said in a hushed voice.
Pero ’di ako mapakali. I was about to sit down to take Raiko from him pero inilingan niya agad ako.
“Get some sleep. I’m worried.”
Napalunok ako. Nilingon ko si Raiko na nakatingala lang sa kaniya.
“Are you sure—”
“Kaya ko ’to, Frankie,” mas mariin niyang sabi. Naitikom ko ang bibig.
“Okay…” alanganin kong pagpayag bago umayos sa pagkakahiga. I waited for Raiko to cry pero walang gano’ng nangyari.
“I’ll just nap,” I told Ryo. I wanted to set an alarm but I was too tired to even look for my phone. Baka kasi mahirapan si Ryo sa bata.
Nilingon niya ako. “Tulog na, Ma.”
Natigilan ako ro’n. Siya rin ata dahil saglit siyang tumigil sa paghele kay Raiko.
“Ano…” He cleared his throat. “Tulog na, Ma, pinapasabi ni ano… ni Raiko.”
— ••• note: i checked and 45k words in total na lang ang dapat allotted for parts 16 to 30 (￣^￣). ’di ko alam kung i would stick to it or what huhuhu wala lang kuwento ko lang
Chapter 17: Dream
#hhfm17 chapter 17: Dream
“Frankie,” Ryo mumbled in his sleep.
It’s still too early in the morning, pero hindi na ako makatulog.
My body quickly adjusted to the ruined sleep patterns, and to waking up extra early so that I could at least take a nice bath bago pa mag-decide si Raiko na umiyak ulit.
Raiko’s still peacefully sleeping in his crib. Si Ryo, pikit pa rin naman ang mga mata kaya sigurado akong tulog pa rin. I wanted to go down for a second to eat something but I got too caught up watching the two of them sleep.
Sometimes, Tito would bring Ryo to work, or Tita would ask him to drive her somewhere, kaya pagod na pagod din si Ryo. Pag-uwi niya kasi, siya ang bumubuhat kay Raiko after ma-breastfeed at ayaw pa magpalapag sa crib. There are times that I try to argue with him para ibigay niya sa ’kin ang bata pero ayaw niya. His excuse was that it’s his arm workout.
Since the day of my labour, hindi pa namin napag-uusapan ulit ang tungkol sa ’ming dalawa. We’re too focused on Raiko, and we would rather eat or sleep rather than talk about our leftover issues. Our relationship’s fine, but I wonder when we would open up the topic again, because I wanted to tell him something.
I carefully pushed back the hair strands resting on his forehead. I told him to get a haircut, pero lagi niyang nakakalimutan, as usual. I remember shaving his head at our apartment once dahil ayaw niyang magpagupit.
I found myself smiling at the memory. Pinagtawanan siya ni Cali no’n dahil hindi sanay na makitang semi-kalbo si Ryo. I was no expert so kailangan niya pang ipapantay ang pagkaka-shave sa ulo niya sa mall.
He stirred. I didn’t stop staring. Watching him this close and knowing that he’s near brought me a sense of comfort, and a feeling that I know too well.
I wasn’t sure on when and how to tell him, though.
The mattress bounced a bit with his movements. His eyelids fluttered slowly, eyes squinting as he adjusted to the light. Hindi ko binuksan ang ilaw pagkagising ko pero medyo maliwanag na dahil sa malaking bintana sa tapat.
Kasabay ng pagpikit niya ang pag-angat ng gilid ng mga labi niya. The side of his eyes crinkled. Maybe he’s dreaming of something nice. I wondered what and hoped that I was there.
Bahagyang gumalaw ulit ang mga talukap ng mata niya. Maybe he’s about to wake up soon. Naniningkit pa rin ang mata niyang sumilip sa ’kin nang bahagya. His smile widened.
“Good morning,” I whispered. Hindi ko pa rin sigurado kung gising na siya.
“Morning,” he croaked. Gising na nga. Ang ganda ng gising niya dahil ngiting-ngiti pa.
I might have frozen for a second when his palm reached for my cheek. He lifted his upper body off the bed with a grunt.
Nahigit ko ang paghinga nang ilapit niya ang mukha niya sa ’kin. His nose touched the tip of mine, and his eyes closed at the contact. Napaawang ang bibig ko para sana awatin siya pero walang salitang lumabas. Before his lips could reach for mien, I luckily managed to move my head back. His eyes fluttered open.
“Ryo,” kinakabahang tawag ko sa kaniya. Tulog pa ba ’to?
Kitang-kita ko kung pa’no siya bahagyang nabigla na parang natauhan, unti-unting nagkamalay, at tuluyang nagising. He retracted his hand away from me the same time his eyes widened.
My brows pushed together when he suddenly scrambled out of bed. Napangiwi ako nang sa kamamadali niya ay nahulog pa ata siya at medyo malakas ang tama ng tuhod niya sa sahig. Ang lakas ng tunog e. That must hurt.
Mula sa sahig ay nilingon niya ako, nanlalaki pa ang mata, nakapulupot pa sa katawan ang kumot niya.
“Are you okay?” I asked, genuinely concerned for his knee. Lumagabog talaga sa sahig ’yung tuhod niya kanina.
His jaw dropped. Shaking his head, he looked away. Naihilamos niya ang dalawang palad sa mukha na parang problemadong-problemado. Hindi pa naman ganoong kataas ang araw kaya sigurado akong hindi dahil sa ilaw kung bakit medyo namumula ang tainga niya. Just… what was he dreaming about?
“Ryo?”
Hindi niya ako nilingon. He fisted his hair and groaned. Nang i-angat ang tingin sa ’kin ay mamula-mula rin ang pisngi niya.
“Wala, wala… ayos lang ako,” he said then smiled. I wasn’t convinced, of course. Na-curious lang ako lalo.
“What is it?” I probed because I wanted to hear. He clicked his tongue before standing and walking towards the bathroom. He dragged his blanket with him, covering his whole body. Sinaway ko dahil marurumihan ang kumot pero wala siyang pakialam. Iniwan lang niya ’yon sa labas ng banyo bago siya pumasok.
I frowned. I wanted him to tell me what he was thinking or dreaming of.
Nainip na ako kahihintay na lumabas siya ng banyo. Dinampot ko lang ang kumot niya at tinupi. I then went to Raiko when I saw him opening his eyes. Maingat ko agad siyang inalis sa crib para hindi na siya umiyak. Every time he would wake up and notice that no one’s holding him, he would cry. It’s like he’s always craving for someone’s body warmth.
A few more minutes later and I heard Ryo calling me from inside the bathroom. Napalingon ako sa pinto at sumilip ang ulo’t leeg niya sa siwang. His hair and face were wet.
“Bakit?” I asked. Raiko’s taking his spot on the bed, and I was busy trying to make him hold my finger.
“Naiwan ko ’yung tuwalya ko,” aniya, parang nahihiya pa nga ata. Nakasampay ang towel niya sa sandalan ng upuang nakasalpak sa desk.
It would only take less than five seconds if I would rush to get the towel and bring it to him but a lot could happen in those seconds. Praning na kung praning pero binalik ko muna si Raiko sa crib bago ko kuhanin ang tuwalya niya. I saw Ryo gulp as I walked towards him holding the towel he asked for.
Inabot ko ’yon sa kaniya. He quickly grabbed it. Sabay kaming nagulat nang mapansing nakihigit ako nang kukuhanin na niya ang tuwalya mula sa kamay ko. Napaangat ang tingin niya sa ’kin at gulat na gulat ang mata.
What the hell. I threw the towel on his face before turning my back at him so he wouldn’t notice how flushed I was. Bakit ba hindi ko agad binigay?! Base pa naman sa hitsura ni Ryo, baka kung ano-ano na namang iniisip! I pulled his towel back unconsciously, alright. But it’s not like I could change his mind sa kung anomang iniisip niya.
Hindi na ako nag-atubiling lumingon sa gawi niya dahil alam kong wala siyang dalang damit nang pumasok sa banyo. Napahinga ako nang malalim nang lumabas siya ng banyo at kita ko sa gilid ng mata kong nakatapis lang siya ng tuwalya. I could hear him hurriedly getting clothes on his side of the closet before rushing his way back to the bathroom. Napapikit ako nang mariin kahit na hindi ako direktang nakatingin nang biglang malaglag ang tuwalya niya. I heard him cuss before entering the bathroom and slamming the door shut.
Wala naman akong nakitang kahit ano. I groaned to myself. I should be thankful for that but a part of me was… pissed. I shook the inappropriate thoughts away. It’s too early for those.
Cali visited for breakfast. I told Tita na sa kuwarto na lang kami kakain. Ryo’s cleaning up because I told him to do so habang nakaupo kami ni Cali sa kama. Raiko’s on a huge pillow on my lap.
“Puwede ba talagang kainin ’yan? Hindi ’yan imported?” tanong ni Cali, tinutukoy iyong mga tinapay sa desk na pinahatid ni Tita kani-kanina lang. There’s coffee for Ryo and Cali, and the usual milk for me.
Natawa si Ryo roon habang nag-aayos ng cabinet. “Hindi ’yan imported. Galing kay Cora ’yan, do’n sa cafe niya. Saka kahit imported ’yan, puwede ’yang kainin.”
Nag-alangan pa rin si Cali. I couldn’t blame her. though. Gano’n din naman ako no’ng bago lang sa bahay nina Ryo at hindi pa sanay.
Cali kept Raiko busy. Panay ang daldal niya at for some reason, nangingiti si Raiko sa mga nonsense niyang sinasabi. Mas mabuti nga itong may maingay, o nagsasalita sa bahay, para mabilis maka-pick up ang bata. Hindi naman kasi kami laging nag-uusap ni Ryo. It’s either pagod ang isa sa ’min o tulog. And that one time I tried to talk to Raiko, Ryo kept on watching me. Nailang ako kaya hindi ko na ginagawa kapag nakatingin siya.
“Asan remote niyo?” tanong ni Cali at tumayo. Nag-wear off na ’yung hiya niya kanina. Ryo handed her the remote control at nilipat niya ang TV na nasa sports channel kanina. I saw Ryo frown but he didn’t complain.
One of the many reasons Cali liked Ryo for me was that lagi ’tong hindi nagrereklamo sa gusto niya. During college, he would buy the two of us food. Lagi siyang damay. He would help the two of us clean the apartment. He would drive the two of us to school. He knew that I didn’t like leaving Cali out of the picture kaya siya na ang nagkusang lagi siyang isali.
“Ay, ayan!” she squealed. Ryo sighed. Showbiz na naman. Wala akong complain dahil wala naman akong hilig manood ng TV in general.
Saglit akong natigilan nang makita ang lumabas sa TV. Pinanliitan ko ng mata si Cali. She just grinned at me wickedly. Sunod niyang nilingon si Ryo na nanlalaki ang mata sa TV at muntik na atang mabulunan sa kinakain.
Pa’no ba naman kasi, si Talie ang nasa screen. It’s a picture of her and her boyfriend (na ngayon ko lang nakita, ever), who was obviously years older than us, and didn’t look like he had a drop of Filipino blood. Sabi ng reporter ay kuha iyon sa Spain.
“Renaldo naman pala.” May laman ang pagkakasabi ni Cali no’n. Kung hindi nakapatong si Raiko sa legs ko, nasipa ko na siya nang bahagya. I could feel Ryo looking at us.
I’ve only heard of it from Cali before, pero ngayon lang ata ’to na-publicize. I wonder where Cali gets her info from.
“So ’yung ’Thank you, R’ sa cake…” Hindi siya nangahas na tapusin ang sasabihin niya dahil sinamaan ko siya ng tingin.
“Huh? Akala niyo ba ako ’yon?” singit nung nagkakape sa isang gilid.
Madramang umakto si Cali na parang zinipper niya ang kaniyang bibig.
“Cali,” parang nagbabanta pa ang tono ni Ryo. Cali raised a brow at him and pointed at me.
“Ayaw ni Misis, so bawal ako mag-talk,” she said dismissively before taking a huge bite of her doughnut.
Nabahala ako sa tinawag niya sa ’kin. “We’re not married.” For some reason, I felt the need to clarify that. Nilingon ko saglit si Ryo na mabagal na ngumunguya ng tinapay at sa kisame agad pumunta ang tingin nang magkasalubong ang mata namin.
“Eh?!” She laughed. She looked at Ryo and I kept my head down on my son for a moment. I pretended to fix Raiko’s mitts kahit na wala namang mali ro’n. Talo kasi ako ’pag si Cali ang nang-aasar.
“Nasa iisang kuwarto na kayo’t lahat-lahat, Ryo! Ang bagal mo naman!” Wala siyang balak na mag-filter ng sasabihin niya. I reminded myself to always keep an eye on Raiko when he grows old. Baka kung ano-ano ang ituro ng ninang niya sa kaniya.
“Cali,” saway ko. Hindi siya nagpaawat sa katatawa. God. I would definitely get back at her once I find out something about her and Nate. We’ve been friends since the start of college at nagawa niya ’yong itago sa ’kin!
“’Di pa puwede e… kapapanganak pa lang,” natatawang sabi ni Ryo.
Parang sinisilaban na ang mukha ko ro’n. Lalong lumakas ang tawa ni Cali dahil do’n. Nasabayan pa ng ilang tili at hampas sa sariling hita.
“Ryo,” mas mariin kong saway ro’n sa isa. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin at pinakitang naiinis talaga ako. I suddenly remembered the pain I went through during my delivery. I don’t think I could handle the same exhaustion and suffering again!
“Joke lang,” he mouthed. I rolled my eyes and I heard him laugh.
“Hindi pa kayo nagkakabalikan?” dire-diretsong tanong ni Cali, na para bang hindi ’yon awkward pag-usapan. It looked like she wasn’t taking the conversation seriously, though. Natatawa pa rin sila ni Ryo nang malakas.
It seemed like ako lang ang sobrang affected ’pag ganito ang usapan. Which was annoying because Ryo confessed first. Even before. So ’di ba dapat siya ang nahihiya ngayon? Bakit ako?!
Naririndi na ako sa mga tawa nila. Admittedly, pikon na ako. I reached for a cream puff and munched as I sulked. Tuwang-tuwa pa rin kasi ang dalawa na inisin ako. I wasn’t sure if it’s because of the extra stress of parenthood kaya mas madali akong mairita lately, or gawa lang ng topic na pinag-uusapan kaya ako ganito. I’m usually just cool and composed kahit na anong asar sa ’kin nilang dalawa noon.
“Hindi pa.” Ako na ang sumagot dahil hindi pa tapos si Ryo tumawa. I couldn’t help but pout and internally whine.
Ang tagal tumanda ni Raiko. Gusto ko isumbong sa kaniya ang tatay niya. How come he’s making this a laughing matter? But then again, maybe I’m just reading into it too much. Pero kapag kasi ganiyang tinatawanan niya, inisiip ko tuloy na baka tawanan lang din niya ako kapag sinabi ko sa kaniya ang gusto kong sabihin.
Saka ko lang napansin na bigla silang tumahimik nang alisin ko ang tingin kay Raiko. Naghihintay ang doughnut ni Cali na makagatan dahil laglag-panga siyang nakantingin sa ’kin. I looked at Ryo and he looked like a tomato.
“What?” I asked dahil ang weird nilang dalawa.
Was it something I said?
Cali went home just after lunch, even if Tita wanted her to stay until dinner. Gusto ko pa sanang ihatid si Cali kahit man lang sa may gate pero todo tanggi siya.
“’Wag na, baka umiyak si baby mo, ma-miss agad ang mommy,” she said, smiling. I snorted. I was sure that it was just a lame excuse so I wouldn’t see how she would get home. Either maglalakad siya palabas at magko-commute, or…
Pinanliitan ko siya ng mata. She pouted before looking away.
“No, I’m walking you outside,” pagpupumilit ko. Her lips twisted. It was only for a second but I was sure that it was panic that I saw in her eyes. Huli ko na e. Bakit kaya nahihiya pa sa ’kin e friends naman kami?
“E, akyat ka na,” umiiling niyang sabi. Tinaboy niya pa ako gamit ang kamay.
“Why? Makikita ko ba sa labas ang kotse ni Nat—”
“Akyat na! Baka umiyak baby mo! ’Yung malaking baby!” Puwersahan niya akong pinihit at sinubukang itulak-tulak papasok.
I chuckled. Naglakad na nga lang ako pabalik at hinayaan siya sa gusto niya. Hindi niya kayang itago sa ’kin nang sobrang tagal ang kung anomang tinatago niya. Plus, she’s so obvious.
When I went back to our room, naro’n pa rin ang mag-ama sa puwesto nila kanina—in front of the large window. Raiko looked a lot smaller on Ryo’s arms.
“Hindi ka nangangalay?” Willing naman akong kuhanin muna sa kaniya ang bata. Buong araw nang si Ryo ang may buhat sa kaniya, except when he’s hungry.
Alam kong hindi ko dapat minamaliit ang lakas ng braso niya pero alam ko namang napapagod din siya. Just like me, he would wake up whenever Raiko would cry in the middle of the night. And that happens for like, every three hours or so. Ang hindi na nga lang talaga niya ginagawa ay mag-breastfeed.
“Hindi,” he answered, not taking his eyes off our son.
Ryo was genuinely trying to be a responsible father, and I could see that. Nagpaplano na ako kung kailan kami uuwi sa ’min. It would take less than two hours if we would travel by plane, pero hindi pa ata puwedeng ibiyahe si Raiko nang gano’n. If we would travel by land, it would take more than 10 hours. Kaya ko naman ang hassle na kasama no’n. We could just make stop-overs if we would need to. Pero kapag bumibiyahe naman ako noon pauwi, para lang mag-CR kaya tumitigil ang bus saglit. But of course, now’s different because I have to consider our baby.
Hindi puwedeng masyadong maaga ko ipakilala si Raiko kina Tatay. Sakali mang itawag ko ’yon ngayon, dapat kinabukasan ay naro’n na kami sa ’min. Hindi puwedeng hindi dahil hindi magpapaawat si Tatay na pumunta rito agad. Masyadong magulo.
I hope their opinion of Ryo and his family would change. I don’t want Ryo to feel bad if ever my father were to blatantly reject him. May anak na kami at okay naman kaming dalawa. We just need some minor fixing that we could do with a short, serious talk. At sakali man talagang sumobra si Tatay, baka mag-away kami ulit. Hindi ko kayang tiisin si Tatay most of the time pero maiinis talaga ako kapag may gawin o masabi siyang masama kay Ryo o kina Tita. Nanay’s usually just silent; si Tatay lang talaga ang problema.
Inalis ko ang tingin sa mag-ama ko nang biglang bumukas ang pinto. Tita’s still in low-heeled sandals and formal wear. Hindi pa nakakapagpalit mula kanina pag-uwi niya bago mag-lunch. On her hand was a camera.
“Orion Mavinne!” Napatayo ako nang tuwid dahil sa tono niya. Her eyes were wide and angry. Napalingon sa kaniya si Ryo na walang kaide-idea na mukhang mangangain ng buhay ang nanay niya.
“’My? Bakit?” takang tanong niya.
“Where’s my SD card?!” She marched towards us. Rinig ko lagutok ng heels niya sa sahig. Napatabi ako agad. Even the sound her shoes was intimidating.
Like a switch was flicked, her eyes softened as she crouched a little to greet Raiko. Maamo ang mata at tono sa pakikipag-usap niya sa apo pero nang iangat ang tingin kay Ryo ay mabilis na bumaik ang talim. I gulped. Hindi ata talaga mawawala ang takot ko sa kaniya.
“Ang dami-dami mong gano’n, ’My,” sabi sa kaniya ni Ryo. “Kuhanin mo na lang ’yung nasa iba. Or just buy a new one.”
“Nawala mo ba?!”
I flinched at the loudness of her voice. I looked at my son worriedly. Hindi ba siya mabibingi?
Ryo looked annoyed. “Hindi ata, ’My. Pero akin na lang ’yon—”
“Hindi ata?!”
“’Wag ka ngang sumigaw, ’My. Matatakot baby ko,” saway sa kaniya ni Ryo.
My jaw dropped at that. Tita huffed and looked at him in disbelief, pero mukhang kumalma naman. I figured that if I would interrupt them and try to get Raiko away from their noises, hindi papayag si Ryo. Ginagamit niyang shield si baby e.
Tita cleared her throat. “Hand it over. Nasa’n ba?”
“Andiyan nga lang, ’My. Ibibili na nga lang kitang bago.” Parang nakukulitan na si Ryo kay Tita. Malakas ang daing ni Ryo nang kurutin s’ya nito sa braso, probably because of the sharpness of Tita’ nails.
“Hanapin mo ’yun.”
Mukhang wala silang balak na matapos magtalo kaya nagpresinta na akong maghanap. Umangal pa si Ryo at sabi’y ’wag ko nang hanapin pero nagsisimula na akong maghalungkat ng drawers. I could hear Tita wooing Raiko, walang pakialam sa anak niyang kanina pa nagrereklamo sa ’kin. I rolled my eyes. Hindi naman sobrang bigat na task ang maghanap ng memory card.
Araw-araw kong nabubuklat ang mga laman ng cabinet kaya sigurado akong wala ’yon dito. I searched my office things dahil baka naliligaw ro’n pero wala rin. Kanina pa tawag nang tawag sa ’kin si Ryo na parang ’di mapakali sa kung ano.
I reached for his wallet on the table. Malakas na ang inalma niya ro’n pero nabuksan ko na.
I was taken aback with what I saw. Nang medyo matauhan ay nilingon ko si Ryo na para na namang kinamatisan sa sobrang pula ng mukha.
“Ito po, Tita,” I said as I fished out the memory card from behind the clear sheet and handed it to Tita. Umalis lang siya pagkatapos pagalitan ulit si Ryo na ’wag pakikialaman ang mga camera niya. And if he were to touch any of her stuff again, he’s dead. Akala ko ba e siya ang paborito?
The moment Tita left, the atmospere shifted. Ryo remained red and frozen in his spot. Nang babahagyang umungot si Raiko ay saka lang nagkaro’n ng ingay. Ryo tried to shush him pero wala na, bumanat na ng iyak. He needed to be nursed already. Sabagay, tatlong oras na rin ata ang lumipas mula no’ng huli.
I could tell that my cheeks were flushed. Hindi rin makatingin sa ’kin si Ryo. Puwede naman akong umakto na parang wala lang ’yon sa ’kin, but I would be lying to myself. At kailan ba akong huling kinilig? I couldn’t remember.
“Sorry, ang creepy ba?” he asked as I took Raiko from his hold.
It wasn’t creepy. It was just… surprising. And cute.
“No, it’s fine,” I told him. Sa kama na ako pumuwesto.
Hindi na bago sa mata ko ang graduation picture namin. Alam kong nasa wallet niya talaga ’yon bago pa kami mag-break. Ngayon ko lang nalaman na hindi niya pa pala inaalis. Sa likod no’n, sigurado akong nakatago ang family picture nila. Ang kinabigla ko ay ang bago kong picture ro’n. Kaya ba nasa kaniya ang SD card?
Realization hit me. Kaya ba siya todo tago no’ng nahuli kong kinakalikot ni Tita ang camera? If I knew that he would be sneaking copies of those, sana pala inayos ko ang ngiti! Just how many embracing shots do I have on Tita’s camera? Nakakahiya!
He likes having physical copies of pictures. Minsan lang kami magkaro’n ng picture na magkasama dahil parehas kaming hindi mahilig tumapat sa lente. I think most of our photos were from Cali. At dahil lang ’yon sa pinipilit niya talaga kaming mag-picture. Kapag may picutres kami, laging pinapa-develop ni Ryo. Noong college e mas mukhang photo album ang wallet niya.
Pulang-pula pa rin ang mukha niya nang damputin ang wallet niya at ilagay sa gym bag niyang nasa gilid lang dahil hindi naman nagagamit. Nagkatinginan ulit kami pero mabilis na natapos dahil ang lakas na ng iyak ni Raiko.
I was lifting the end of my shirt when I saw that he was still looking.
“Look away,” utos ko sa kaniya. Kumibot ang labi niya. Pulang-pula pa rin siya pero ngayon ay nangingisi na.
“Para sa’n pa? E nakita ko na ’yan.”
I did not think twice when I reached for a pillow and threw it on his face. It was useless because he was able to catch it. Buong katawan ko ata ang nag-iinit dahil sa pinagsasasabi niya!
“Get out!”
He did not leave, though. Tumalikod lang siya at natatawa pa rin. Umayos ako ng pagkakaupo at binabantayan si Ryo kung lilingon ba siya.
Malalim siyang huminga nang matapos ang pagtawa. Nahuli ko siyang dahan-dahang pumipihit para ata tumingin pero nang makitang nakabantay ako sa galaw niya ay agad ding tumalikod ulit. Ang kulit!
“Starting over again ba tayo, Frankie?”
I hissed, though my heart felt like it was going to leap out of my chest. If I were to answer him with a yes, ano kayang reaksiyon nito? Baka pati kuko niya, mamula.
But still, I answered with, “In your dreams.”
He chuckled. “Pa’no ba ’yan, e sa panaginip ko kanina, dalawa na nga ang anak natin.”
Chapter 18: Secret
#hhfm18 chapter 18: Secret
Mirae Lim slams Talie Alvarez — ’She’s delusional’
Ilang beses akong kumurap sa screen, just to make sure that I have read that correctly. I stared at the screen hard until I was sure that I read it right.
I looked at Cali who was busy talking to Raiko. Apparently, people found out about Ryo going to the hospital to accompany someone pregnant. It took three weeks for the word to spread. Kung hindi ako nag-aalaga ng bata, tulog naman ako, kaya wala akong oras na mag-check ng articles sa internet. Sigurado akong may alam si Ryo rito kaya laging siya ang may hawak ng remote ng TV. Hindi ako aware na may kaguluhan na palang nangyayari.
It was all starting to make sense. Yesterday, I overheard Tita and Ryo talking about something related to Talie. She said something like not letting her use him for publicity. Akala ko pa naman e kung ano lang. Hindi ko alam na bali-balita na palang may anak na si Ryo.
Despite the public knowing about Talie’s relationship with a foreign businessman, she had the guts to tell the media that she thought Ryo and her had something. She did not even bother to conceal his name. Their disgusting and rabid shippers were all disappointed. I was so close to thinking that she dared to do the first move of talking about her non-existent relationship with Ryo just so she could get the public’s sympathy. She told the story as if he broke her heart so she tried to move on and found the “love of her life” (her words, not mine) outside the country.
The story sounded stupid if you’re aware of the real deal. At this point, I’m convinced that between the two of us, she’s the better story maker. She should try to take the writing career path next time.
If it weren’t for Cali, baka hindi ko rin ’to malalaman. She and Nate arrived here earlier this morning. She started asking me questions, na hindi ko masagot dahil hindi ko maintindihan. Do’n niya nalaman na wala pala talaga akong kaalam-alam.
When someone asked Tita for a confirmation that Ryo has a son, her answer was flat-out it’s none of your business.
This has been going on for three days. Until now, walang binabanggit sa ’kin si Ryo. Hindi naman siya mukhang problemado. Maybe he hid it from me because he didn’t want it to stress me out. If this were about me, I wouldn’t care. But if it would involve Raiko, it would be a completely different issue.
“Ano? Kumusta ka diyan?” Cali asked, pulling me out of my trance. Ryo’s downstairs getting food. Nate’s sitting on the chair near the table, typing something on his phone.
She scoffed, probably noticing how worried I look. I don’t want the public painting Raiko as a bastard. I’m not the type to engage in fights but if that were to happen, I would make sure Talie would need to use a wig on her next TV appearance because I would make sure to rip all her hair off.
“’Wag mo isipin ’yang intrimitidang ’yan. Nagpapa-relevant lang ’yan para ’di siya malaos agad. Kita mo namang uhaw ’yan sa spotlight, ’di ka na nasanay,” she said, putting down the toy she’s holding beside Raiko. “Hayaan mo na si Tita ang magligpit sa kaniya. Pustahan tayo, nangangatog na ’yan ngayon. Wala na ’yang makukuhang modeling offer; tatanga-tanga siya e.”
Nate chuckled at that. I sighed.
Akala ko kasi tapos na. At kung tama ako, matagal-tagal na niyang boyfriend ’yung foreigner. Magaling lang siguro talaga siyang magtago ng ebidensya at gumawa ng istorya. I couldn’t believe that she would go this low just to make sure the spotlight stays on her.
Bad publicity nga lang ’tong nag-retaliate si Tita sa kaniya. I couldn’t blame Tita, though. It was disgusting to read how Talie acted like the victim, as if Ryo cheated on her. How could he cheat on her kung hindi naman naging sila?
Sabi nga ni Tita, delusional.
I pretended to act cool when Ryo entered the room. Nakangiti siya sa ’kin pero nang pumaling ang tingin kay Nate ay agad na sumimangot. I haven’t told him yet that Nate and Cali have a thing going on, and that he should let go of his leftover anger and jealousy for Nate.
“Bakit mo ba ’to dinadala, Cali?” tanong niya na parang wala si Nate sa iisang kuwarto. Natawa lang ulit si Nate do’n.
Like Cali, he’s not telling me anything. Ang obvious naman na, ayaw pa nilang sabihin sa ’kin. I am happy for the two of them. Sure akong magiging gano’n din si Ryo.
I looked at Cali. Parang nangapa pa siya ng isasagot. Ang alam kasi ni Ryo, ayaw rin nito kay Nate kasi nga sa kaniya kumampi si Cali no’ng college.
“Oo nga, Calila. Sabay pa kayo. Did you go here together?” sabat ko. Para naman kahit isang beses lang, makaganti ako kay Cali sa lahat ng pang-aasar niya sa ’kin. Tumalim nang bahagya ang tingin niya sa ’kin.
I glanced at Nate and found him smiling while scrolling on his phone. I doubt that he’s actually doing something. Nagkukunwari lang ’yan para ’di niya kailangang magsalita.
“Hindi, ah. Nakasalubong ko lang ’yan.” Cali sounded too defensive, too obvious. I looked at Nate and caught him stifling a laugh. Itong dalawang ’to, parang ewan.
Ryo rolled his eyes. Padabog niyang nilapag sa mesa ang tray ng pagkaing dala niya. Umangat ang tingin ni Nate sa kaniya dahil do’n. Kitang-kita ko ang masamang tingin ni Ryo sa kaniya.
“Ryo,” saway ko. He hissed before heading to the bed to sit beside me.
Parang bata. Well, it’s his fault he’s bothered.
The thing is, I haven’t asked Ryo yet on what he wants to happen in our relationship. The past few days were okay. We sleep in the same bed. I can tell that he cares for me as much as he cares for Raiko. We act like we weren’t constantly at each other’s throat during the first few months that I was staying here. We act differently. And maybe we’ve gotten quite used to it that it didn’t seem like an important thing to address.
But it’s important to me. I know that he’s trying, and I trust that he wouldn’t disappoint me again, so I’m giving him a chance.
All I’m waiting for is for him to ask. Pero mukhang wala naman siyang balak.
How could I give that chance to him if he wouldn’t ask? I’m not even sure if he wants it.
Or maybe mas iniisip niya ’yung pag-uwi namin sa ’min, at kung pa’no siya babalik dito nang buhay pa at kumpleto pa ang mga daliri. We have decided to travel by land nang kaming dalawa lang. Tita and Tito would follow the next day via plane. Si Raianne, baka hindi makasama dahil busy sa school.
Kung tinatanong na niya ako, edi sana may pinanghahawakan na siya ngayon.
“Be nice to him. Ninong ni Raiko ’yan,” I told him. Mabilis na nalukot ang mukha niya ro’n. He looked like he wanted to argue but fought against it.
Nate chuckled loudly. Pumaling tuloy ulit si Ryo sa kaniya na sigurado akong masama na naman ang tingin.
“Seriously, Frankie?” bulong niya sa ’kin.
“Be nice to him, Ryo,” I whispered back. If he would continue to be mean to Nate, baka magalit sa kaniya si Cali. Mawawalan na talaga siya ng kakampi.
He scratched the back of his head. Ewan ko ba riyan kung bakit sobrang seloso talaga kay Nate. E umatras na nga ’yung tao bago pa man makapanligaw dahil sa takot sa kaniya. I never even liked Nate that way.
“Kailan ka mag-aanak?” biglaang tanong ni Ryo kay Cali na kalaro pa rin si Raiko na kumukurap lang sa kaniya.
I almost choked on my pasta. Natigilan si Cali at sinamaan ng tingin si Ryo na walang idea sa sinabi niya. I looked at Nate. He was trying to fight off a smile while eating. Nahuli niya akong nakatingin at nahalata kong sinubukan niyang magseryoso pero hindi niya magawa.
Naningkit ang mata ko sa kaniya. One way or another, mapapaamin ko rin naman si Cali.
“Kailan kayo magkakabalikang dalawa?” masungit niyang tanong pabalik. Kumunot ang noo ni Ryo sa kaniya. Umangat naman ang kilay ko ro’n.
“Kailan kayo aaming dalawa?” I asked.
She gasped. Napainom ng tubig si Nate. Lalo lang nagsalubong ang kilay ni Ryo bago ako harapin.
“Sino?”
Sometimes he’s this dumb and dense. I only smiled at him and shook my head.
“Ano? Hindi mo alam sagot ’no?” Binalik niya agad kay Ryo ang usapan. It was obvious that she was avoiding my question. Her excessive blushing gave her away, though.
“Bakit ba biglang naging tungkol sa ’kin ’to? Tinatanong lang kita kailan ka magbo-boyfriend e,” tugon ni Ryo.
I chuckled. Inangilan lang siya ni Cali at pumaling na ulit kay Raiko. Nate’s still silent. Sure akong mapagagalitan siya ni Cali sakaling bigla siyang magsalita at madulas kaya nananahimik lang siya.
“Hindi mo kinuha si Nate ng drinks?” tanong ko kay Ryo pagkaakyat niya ulit. He got orange juice for Cali and me, pero wala man lang kahit tubig kay Nate.
Sumimangot lang siya. I looked at Nate. He looked amused with Ryo’s attitude towards him.
“It’s fine, Frankie. Hindi ako nauuhaw,” aniya.
Still, I gave Ryo a warning look. His lips twisted in annoyance. “Hindi naman pala nauuhaw. ’Wag na.”
Pinanliitan ko siya ng mata. In the end, he went back down to get Nate a glass of orange juice. Parang required na padabog niya ’yong ilapag sa mesa dahil lagi siyang gano’n pagdating kay Nate.
“May lason ’yan. Sagot ko na libing mo.”
Tinawanan lang siya ni Nate do’n. Napasulyap ako kay Cali na nahuli kong inirapan si Ryo. I wonder how Ryo would react once he finds out.
Even after the two left, hindi ko na inungkat kay Ryo ’yung tungkol sa kumakalat na tatay na raw siya. Hangga’t hindi napatutunayan, mananatili ’yung tsismis lang. Hangga’t walang nagko-confirm, either siya o si Tita, mananatiling question mark ’yon sa media. They would probably continue to search for the answer by themselves, unless something else that could generate more reach would come up.
Nakikiramdam ako kung sasabihin niya, pero mukhang wala talaga siyang balak. The day went on with the two of us inside our room, nagpapalitan lang sa bata at nagpapalitan ng pag-idlip.
We only have more than a week left of stay here. Hindi ko pa rin sigurado kung ano’ng mangyayari pag-uwi ko. I plan to call my parents on the 17th, bago kami umalis ni Ryo para pumunta ro’n. We would be celebrating Raiko’s first month there. Pampalubag-loob sa tatay kong sigurado akong mag-aalburoto.
All I’m asking for is our privacy on our way to my parents. Tahimik ang buhay ro’n. At panigurado, magagalit lalo si Tatay kay Ryo sakali mang may makatunton sa ’min do’n. Ngayon pa nga lang na wala siyang kaalam-alam, ayaw na ayaw na niya kay Ryo. Pa’no na lang ’pag nalaman pa nila ’yung kay Talie? Paniwalain pa naman ’yun.
“Ryo,” I called him while we’re watching TV. Raiko was in his arms while I was sitting beside him. At ang pinanonood namin ay ’yung teleseryeng sobrang invested na siya.
“Hm?” he hummed, not taking his eyes off the screen. Malaki pa rin ang galit niya ro’n sa boss ng babae sa teleserye.
“Do you plan to keep Raiko as a secret?” I asked. I wouldn’t be surprised if he would say yes. I would understand. Maybe he would prefer to keep things private. With everything that’s attached to his name, mas mabuti nga ’yon para tahimik lang ang buhay ng bata.
He shook his head almost immediately. This time, he peeled off his eyes from the screen and shifted them to me. “Ayoko siyang itago. Hindi ko kayo itatagong dalawa.”
My heart leaped. Binalik niya ang tingin sa TV. “Kung okay lang sa ’yo, syempre. Ikaw ang masusunod. Pero kung ako ang tatanungin mo, ayaw ko. Hindi ko naman kayo sikreto e.”
“I was only asking about Raiko…” I whispered. Sabi niya, hindi niya kami itatago. Ibig sabihin, kasama ako. As his what? His friend?
Ilang ulit siyang kumurap. Natawa siya nang bahagya bago ako lingunin ulit. “Syempre kasama ka.”
“Raiko’s your son. E ako, ano mo ’ko?”
Mukhang nabigla siya sa tanong ko. Makailang ulit na bumukas at sara ang bibig niya pero wala siyang sinabing kahit na ano. What would he introduce me as? His ex? The mother of his child? That’s different from being a girlfriend… or a wife.
“Raiko’s mother?” I asked. ’Yun lang ba?
He gulped. His lips twitched. I frowned. Kahit man lang pang-aasar sana niya, na girlfriend man lang o asawa, papatulan ko para mabigla siya lalo. Para mabuksan ang usapan.
I wonder what’s stopping him from making a move, from asking. Ako na ang naiinip. I don’t like settling for something uncertain, but I want him to ask me first. Baka mamaya, bigla akong bumanat sa kaniya na I’m giving him a second chance tapos ayaw naman pala niya.
“Your ex? I’m your only ex,” pabulong kong sinabi ang huling parte.
He smiled. “One and only nga.”
Which meant he never dated anyone before me and after we broke up. “Why? Masusundan pa ba ’ko?”
Umawang ang bibig niya ro’n. He pursed his lips tight before shifting his gaze back to the TV. Kung kailan ko talaga kailangan ang tapang niya, saka naman nawawala. As much as possible, I want the two of us to be okay before going home. Para maipakilala ko siya nang maayos, masabi kina Tatay na nagkabalikan kami. Dahil sigurado ako, magtatanong si Tatay agad. Ang hirap ng hindi ko alam ang isasagot. We’re too old to settle for a mutual understanding.
Much to my disappointment, my question remained unanswered until bedtime. Raiko’s already sleeping, at kailangan ko na ring matulog dahil sigurado akong magigising na naman siya mamaya. Pero paano ako tutulog kung punô ang isip ko? And it’s silly because I feel like a high schooler who would stay up all night worrying about relationship labels.
I slept on my side and faced him. He was resting his head on his folded arm. I held my breath when his free hand went to my waist.
Goodness. Exes don’t do this. But I don’t really mind because I know that we’re not just exes anymore. Though, I need an assurance that we’re on the same page, so he needs to ask me if we could try again.
Sinalubong ko ang tingin niya. The past days were exhausting because of the ruined sleeps and sore arms, but I was happy. The days were simple, peaceful. It’s just me, Raiko, and him in this room. I don’t think that I need anything else.
Inaantok na ang mga mata niya, na naningkit nang ngitian niya ako. “I’m sorry, Frankie.”
“What?” My brows shot up. “It’s fine. I know the truth. Talie’s just making up her own stories.”
His brow furrowed at that, like he wasn’t expecting my response. He then chuckled lightly. “Hindi ’yun. Pero alam mo na pala? Hindi ko pinapaalam sa ’yo e, maii-stress ka lang.”
I nodded. “Cali told me.”
Humugong siya. “’Wag mo ’yun poproblemahin, ha?”
“Okay.”
“Good.” Lumipat saglit ang kamay niya sa ’king buhok, pushing a few strands of stray hair back before going back to my waist. “Pero sorry pa rin.”
“None of that’s your fault. People in the industry are naturally nosy.”
“Hindi ’yun ang tinutukoy ko… Nagso-sorry ako sa nangyari sa ’tin, sa nagawa ko sa ’yo.”
Saglit akong natigilan. I met his gaze. Mabuti’t hindi masyadong madilim ang kuwarto kaya malinaw ko siyang nakikita.
“Wala naman talagang nangyari sa hotel no’n. Nilasing nila ’ko pero alam ko pa ang ginagawa ko. Ni hindi ko siya hinawakan. May kasama pati kami.”
This wouldn’t be the first time that I would hear him explain. But the first time he apologized, I admit that my mind was still clouded. I believed him, but I couldn’t get myself to trust him fully after that.
Tumango ako. “Naniniwala ako.”
“I’m sorry I missed your birthday…”
“It’s okay,” halos bulong ko nang tugon. I could feel the lump on my throat growing. I didn’t want to cry tonight so I held it back.
“Pati anniv natin…”
“It’s fine, Ryo. Tapos na naman ’yun. I forgive you.”
“Lagi na nga akong wala nu’n e… kaya hindi ’yun fine. Hindi ’yun okay. Birthday at anniv na nga lang hindi pa kita inuwian. Tapos may kasama pa akong babae, kaya hindi ’yun okay lang.”
I took a deep breath. The conversation’s making my chest hurt. “Yeah… you were kinda slipping away,” I admitted.
I have always been supportive of Ryo and his dreams. I was never the nagging girlfriend. But after graduation, things drastically changed. I started seeing him less. It’s fine because I understood, but it was kinda sad, too. I never told him because I didn’t want to sound demanding, or to get in his way.
“Kaya nga,” he sighed, “hindi ko napansing naiiwan na kita, na parang hindi ka kasama sa mga pangarap ko.”
“Sorry I never told you… I didn’t want to weigh you down.”
The corner of his lips rose, but he looked more sad than happy. “Hindi. Ako ang magso-sorry kasi ako ’yung nakakalimot na may girlfriend ako.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that. Naka-ilang palitan din kami ng malalalim na paghinga. I could feel his thumb caressing my side.
“I’m not sorry that I broke up with you,” pabulong kong sabi.
Mahina siyang natawa ro’n. It’s true, though. I don’t regret splitting things up with him. Dahil kung hindi, I’m sure we would still break up but with a lot more irreparable damage caused on each other. We wouldn’t be here now.
“Okay lang. We needed the breather, Frankie. And I want you to be happy. You didn’t look happy with me anymore, so I let you walk away.”
“I’m happy now,” I admitted. He smiled.
“See? Kaya sabi ko sa ’yo no’n ayaw na kitang makita pagkatapos nating mag-break, kasi masakit lang ’yon, maaalala ko lang katangahan ko.”
I nodded. Bahagya siyang umisod palapit sa ’kin. I fought the urge to bury my face on his chest. I’m not doing that until he asks me if we could start over.
“Tinry mo bang mag-move on?” I asked. Hindi naman ako magagalit sakaling oo ang sagot. Akala ko nga talaga ay pinagbigyan niya na si Talie, hindi naman pala.
“Oo, ikaw?”
“Yeah… but I didn’t try to go out with guys. Binabad ko na lang ang sarili ’ko sa work,” I paused, “E ikaw? You wanted to try with Talie?”
Napanguso siya ro’n. Sumimangot ako.
“Sana…” He laughed. “Pero ang daming mali e. Ayoko ko ng rebound. Ayaw sa kaniya ni Raianne. Ayaw sa kaniya ni Mommy. Tapos nalaman ko ring may boyfriend siya kaya naisip ko, ’wag na lang.
“E si Nate? Pinormahan ka no’n habang wala ako ’no? Akala mo naman talaga may binatbat siya sa ’kin.”
I chuckled at that. “Not really.”
“Ninong talaga ni Raiko ’yun? Parang ayaw ko.”
“Tigilan mo na ’yang galit mo sa tao. Cali’s with Nate now.”
Nanlaki ang mata niya ro’n, parang hindi makapaniwala. “Pinatulan niya ’yon?” Halatang sinusubukan niyang hinaan ang boses dahil tulog na si Raiko.
“’Wag mong iparirinig kay Calila ’yan. Sasakalin ka nu’n.”
Nanatiling nakaawang ang bibig niya, parang hindi pa rin naniniwala. Parehas lang naman kaming nabigla. Cali had been very vocal that he didn’t like Nate. Kaya nga grabe na lang ang pagkabigla ko no’ng nadulas si Nate na siya ang first kiss ni Cali. Nililihim kasi sa ’kin nung isa. Hanggang ngayon, hindi niya pa rin nga naikukuwento.
Napaisip tuloy ako kung kailan siya nagkagusto ro’n sa tao. I mean, she knew that Nate liked me. May gusto na ba siya kay Nate noon pa man? She never told me. At wala rin naman akong naramdamang nainis siya sa ’kin o nagalit dahil may gusto sa ’kin ni Nate.
“I’m sorry about Nate, too,” sabi ko nang naalala ’yon. Saglit na tumigil ang hinlalaki niyang humahaplos sa bewang ko.
“Nothing happened. Pumunta lang ako ro’n para may makausap. Cali was unavailable. He was kind enough to let me stay for a few hours. Hindi ako nagpaalam sa ’yo kasi… naiinis ako sa ’yo.”
He nodded. “Kahit naman hindi mo sabihin, alam kong walang nangyaring kung ano. Hindi mo naman basta-basta na lang ibababa ang standards mo.”
“Shut up,” I said, chuckling. Ang seryo-seryoso ko na e.
He grinned. Hindi ko alam kung ganito ba talaga kaliit ang espasyo sa pagitan naming dalawa mula pa kanina, o sadyang hindi ko napapansing papalapit siya nang papalapit.
His face inched closer, but not close enough for our noses to touch. The last time he got this close, he was only half-awake. The lack of distance made my eyes flutter. The second I felt the tip of his bose grazing mien, I closed my eyes. I waited.
And waited.
Nasa’n na?
Confused, I opened my eyes. Nahuli ko siyang abot-tainga ang ngiti. Lalo lang kumunot ang noo ko nang unti-unti na siyang umisod palayo. Nahagip ko agad ang braso niya para pigilan siya. What the hell?
“Ano, Frankie?” he asked playfully. I frowned and clicked my tongue. Natawa siya roon. “Matulog ka na. Tulog na tayo.”
What? I was sure that he was trying to kiss me just a while ago!
Binura niya ang pagkakakunot ng noo ko gamit ang daliri niya. I swatted his hand away from my face.
“Tulog na tayo, inaantok ka na e… nakapikit ka na nga.”
Hindi ko na napigilang mahina siyang hampasin sa braso. I gathered my blanket at sa kabilang side humarap, nakatalikod sa kaniya. He laughed. One of his arms went back to snake on my waist. Iniwas ko agad ang tainga kong nararamdaman ang paghinga niya. I frowned, making sure he would see it, and I thought it would work pero pinisil lang niya ang ilong ko.
“Good night, Frankie,” he said in a sing-song voice, kissing me on the temple instead.
Chapter 19: Call
#hhfm19 chapter 19: Call
“Cali, sino’ng kausap mo?”
I raised my eyebrow and stifled a chuckle. Cali’s face quickly turned red, the color burning up to her ears.
I peeked at Ryo who’s sitting beside me. Napatunganga siya sa laptop screen ko na parang may nakitang katakot-takot na kung ano.
Cali threw something to her left; it was probably a pillow. Her eyes were wide with warning. It was too late, though. The camera caught Nate beside her, hair damp and only with a towel wrapped around his waist. Umalog nang bahagya ang camera niya, iniiwas siguro sa direksiyon ni Nate.
I couldn’t help but chuckle. She’s trying her best to hide their relationship from us, but I’m her best friend, so she’s bound to fail. I tapped Ryo’s knee. Para kasing nagyelo na siya sa puwesto niya. He looked at the screen with horror. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa ngayon niya lang na-witness si Cali at Nate habang alam na niyang may something do’n sa dalawa, o dahil ba nakita niya si Nate na nakatapis lang.
“Who was that?” I asked when Cali finally settled back on her seat. She looked like she was going to cry any minute now because of embarrassment. Alam ko namang si Nate ’yon, nakita ko at narinig ang boses. Gusto ko lang na marinig sa kaniya at mapaamin ko.
“Ewan,” she answered, averting her gaze. Her frown was replaced with a scowl when Ryo suddenly burst out laughing.
My hand on his knee stayed. Bahagya ko iyong pinisil para senyasan siyang ’wag masyadong asarin si Cali dahil baka mag-away sila. He didn’t seem to notice my signals though. Para siyang mauubusan ng hangin katatawa.
“Ano’ng nakakatawa?” Cali asked. Ryo kept on laughing. Pinatong niya muna ang baso ng juice sa mesa.
We’re outside, resting. Raiko’s with Tita. She insisted for some alone time with her grandson and we let her. Ryo and I could use a few hours of rest.
“Ikaw. Pinatulan mo si Nathaniel? Akala ko ba ayaw mo ro’n?”
Cali shook her head repeatedly. I smiled. Come to think of it, I don’t think she had a serious relationship when we were in college. May mga crushes siya, may mga nakakasamang lalaki, pero ’yung pinakilala niya sa ’king boyfriend talaga, parang wala. Or maybe she was just hiding things from me. From the outside, she seemed to be the less uptight, the outgoing, and the friendly one between the two of us. Ni hindi ko man lang napansin na marunong din siyang maging mahiyain sa mga bagay-bagay.
“Anong pinatulan?!” Lumikot ulit nang bahagya ang camera niya. She settled on the corner of a bed—of someone else’s bed. “At sino’ng sinasabi mo?”
Talagang tinatanggi niya pa kahit huling-huli na namin. Maybe she was planning to tell me, pero lately, lagi ko na ring kadikit si Ryo kaya ’di siya makahanap ng tiyempo. Natatakot sigurong maasar ni Ryo nang sobra.
“Where are you staying?” I butted in. Cali’s mouth hung open, but no words came out. Napangiti ako lalo ro’n. I’ve been to her aunt’s house, so I know what it looks like. I’m most certain that the room she’s staying at belongs to someone else. Even the shirt she’s wearing was new to my eyes. It looked too big on her.
“Sa bahay lang,” sagot niya. I shook my head.
“That’s not your bed,” I added. Nanulis ang nguso niya roon. I chuckled.
“Sa bahay nga lang, nagpalit kaming kobre-kama,” pagpupumilit niya. I nodded, though I wanted to argue that the bed frame was different, too. Bumili rin ba sila ng bagong frame?
Hinayaan ko na lang dahil baka nahihiya pa talagang magsabi lalo na’t kaharap si Ryo. Mas may chance pa atang sabihin ni Nate sa ’kin ’pag tinanong ko siya kaysa kusang umamin sa ’kin si Cali.
“Boyfriend mo ’yun e. Kung lait-laitin mo ’yun no’ng college ’pag tayo ang magkausap, wagas. Tapos ngayon…”
I clicked my tongue and pressed his knee. Calila frowned. She then looked at me as if asking for my help.
“Hindi naman kasi talaga,” bubulong-bulong na tanggi niya.
“Ows? Mamatay?” Ryo laughed, “Mawalan ka man ng trabaho?”
As much as I wanted to stop him from making fun of Cali, I couldn’t help but laugh with him. Natigil lang ang tawa ko nang maramdamang gumapang ang kamay niya sa kamay kong nakapatong sa may tuhod niya. I stole a glance at him and he was still looking at my laptop’s screen, grinning at Cali… o baka kaya nakangisi siya e dahil nasimplehan niya ng hawak ang kamay ko.
Cali continued to defend herself with her repetitive and obvious lies. Her eyes kept on shifting to the left, as if there’s someone there, watching her. Maybe it’s Nate trying his hardest not to laugh. The quality of the video was quite bad, but it’s clear that Cali’s red all over.
Kausap ko pa rin si Cali at nilihis ko na lang sa work ang usapan, pati sa binyag ni Raiko. I asked if she could come. If I need to ask Tita to have someone drive her there, I would do so. Gusto ko na nga ring tanungin si Nate, dahil alam ko namang sabay silang pupunta sa ’min, pero ’di ko ginawa dahil nagkukunwari nga akong naniniwalang walang ibang kasama si Cali sa kuwarto.
My smile faded when I felt Ryo’s hand slipping away. Maingat niyang inalis ang kamay niya pero naramdaman ko agad. I glanced at him. He stood up and walked away wordlessly.
Nadako ang tingin ko sa labas at may sasakyan do’n. It’s probably Tito. Hindi ko sigurado at hindi ko kilala ang sasakyan, pero sa rami ba naman kasi ng nasa garahe, hindi na ako nag-abala pang sauluhin ang mga ’yon.
“Sa’n nagpunta ’yon?” Cali asked.
My gaze went back to the screen. “Dumating na si Tito e, sinalubong ata,” I answered.
Though from here, I could make out a figure of Ryo knocking on the window of the driver’s seat. It’s hard to see clearly because of the gates and the bushes. I have a feeling na baka hindi si Tito ’yung nasa labas.
“Sige na, tatawag ako mamaya ulit. Liligo lang ako,” Cali said in a way as if she’s in a hurry. Mahina lang pero narinig ko si Nate na tinawag siya. Hindi na lang ako nag-comment. I smiled and ended the call.
I closed my laptop and left it on the table. Nanliliit ang mata ko at sinusubukang makita si Ryo sa labas nang mas malinaw.
I was quick on my feet when I heard him curse loudly. Even one of their helpers who was busy tending the garden went with me to check.
“Ryo!” Naabutan ko siyang nakadungaw sa bintana. It’s as if he could fit himself on the small space, he would. He looked mad. He didn’t even seem to hear me. Napalingon ako sa katulong nilang may hawak pang trowel. Though I haven’t said anything, she nodded at me and went back inside. She’s probably going to call Tita.
I took a step closer to the car. I could hear Ryo whispering a few threats and curses to whoever was sitting on the driver’s seat.
I couldn’t remember the last time I saw him this mad. Both his arms were trying to reach for something inside the car, and it took me a moment to realize that he was holding someone by the neckline of their shirt.
Another car pulled over in front of their gates. Bumusina ito nang ilang beses.
Tito rushed outside from the passenger seat. His strides were heavy as he tried to pull Ryo out. Nanatili ako sa isang gilid dahil sa kaba’t takot. Ryo looked too angry. It’s one of those few moments where he looked too consumed in rage that I couldn’t even get myself to walk near him.
“Who’s that?” Tita seemed bothered, but she remained calm. She’s not holding Raiko. She probably left him inside with one of their helpers.
Maya-maya lang ay may tumalsik mula sa bintana ng sasakyan. Ryo pulled a strap, then a camera came flying outside and dropped to the ground. My shoulders jumped at the sound of it. Their driver picked it up, showing it to Tita. Nakita ko agad ang mga basag na parte no’n dahil sa pagkakalaglag.
“Bring it inside,” Tita said. The driver walked past me to do what he was told.
I fidgeted with my fingers, scared. Ryo’s not exactly the goody two shoes, pero bihira siyang mapaaway. The last time I saw him this mad was when a thief barged into the apartment. Nasaktohan na kaming dalawa lang ni Ryo ang naro’n no’ng gabing ’yon. He caught him in the room with me while I was sleeping. He received an earful from his mother afterwards, and got a part of his arm sliced with a knife by the thief.
Tito was finally able to pull Ryo away from the driver’s window. Upon seeing his mother, Ryo calmed down. Saka lang ako nagkaro’n ng lakas ng loob na lapitan siya. He was red with anger, his neck and forehead drenched in sweat.
He pulled himself out of Tito’s hold, a little too harshly. Sinamaan siya ng tingin ng ama dahil do’n.
“Umayos ka, ha. Tatay mo ’ko,” Tito warned. Ryo’s lips twisted. He took a glance at his mother, who’s talking in a surprisingly composed manner to whoever’s inside the car, before carefully tugging my arm with him inside.
“Ano ’yon? Sino ’yon?” I asked. I stopped walking, forcing him to stop, too. He groaned as if he didn’t want to talk about it. I clicked my tongue and stared at him hard. His eyes eventually softened as his whole body started to relax.
“Sa taas tayo,” aniya. His hold on my arm went down to my hand, and that shut me up. He picked up my laptop with his free hand.
Umakyat kami sa taas at sa kuwarto nina Tita. Raiko’s on the bed with one of their helpers watching over him. I got my laptop out of his hold so he could carry Raiko to our room.
Our clothes were neatly folded on the table. Nagsisimula na kaming mag-impake para sa pag-alis papunta sa ’min.
I’m not sure how long we would be staying there. Baka umabot ng ilang buwan dahil sigurado akong hindi papayag si Ryo na umalis hangga’t ’di sila magkasundo ni Tatay. Unless may anghel na sumapi sa tatay ko, imposibleng isang linggo lang ay okay na sila ni Ryo. It would take at least a month.
Hindi ko muna siya kinausap. He’s on our bed, carrying Raiko close to his chest. It’s a little past Raiko’s bath time already, kaya hinanda ko muna ang mga kailangan para ro’n habang hinihintay na lumamig ang ulo niya.
“Sino ’yong nasa labas kanina?” tanong ko pagkatapos. Ryo sighed heavily. He stood up, carrying Raiko with him as I checked the water’s temperature.
“’Di ko alam. Nagpi-picture,” sagot niya.
Carefully, he placed Raiko over the blanket I laid out. I’ve been bathing Raiko ever since. Lagi lang siyang nanonood, o taga-abot ng mga bagay na kailangan ko. He never told me that he wanted to try to do it himself, but of course, I know that he’s been wanting to do that.
Usually, Raiko would burst out crying once he’s laid at the blanket. I could not fight the urge to smile at Ryo’s attempt to distract him, speaking random syllables at a sing-sing manner while softly poking Raiko’s thighs, arms, and cheeks. Mukha namang effective.
He looked at me, as if asking for permission. Tumango ako at ngumiti kahit na hindi naman na niya kailangang magpaalam. His eyes lit up in eagerness. I reached for the cotton balls while he continued singing random syllables.
“Ang bait naman ng baby namin,” he said while taking off Raiko’s onesie. Raiko’s hands reached in front of him, his little hands balled into fists, touching Ryo’s cheeks.
Mukhang nag-cool down na nang tuluyan ang ulo ni Ryo pagkatapos magpaligo. Halos wala akong ginawa kundi panoorin silang dalawa. I got worried when Raiko looked like he was about to cry and squirm. Ryo was quick to do some baby talk while slipping Raiko’s fingers through the arm hole of the onesie, and it seemed to have calmed Raiko immediately. Napasimangot ako nang bahagya. Bakit ’pag sa kaniya, hindi umiiyak ang bata? Do I need to sing, too? But I can’t sing.
“Yehey, done na.” He sounded proud of himself. Nilingon niya ako. I nodded and gave him a smile to tell him that he did well.
I cleaned up the table while the two of them went back to the bed. Sure akong maya-maya, iiyak na si Raiko dahil nagugutom. I have predicted some sort of pattern already. I wanted to take a bath first kaya binilisan ko ang pag-iimis ng gamit.
“Ryo,” tawag ko sa kaniya pagkatapos niyang ilapag si Raiko sa crib. He stretched his arms. Napagod din.
“Hm?”
I was about to ask him again about the guy earlier pero may kumatok sa pinto ng kuwarto namin. Siya na ang nagbukas ng pinto.
Umisod agad ako sa tabi nang makitang si Tita ’yon. Her eyes looked around the pile of clothes I’m packing for our trip. It’s in two days, pero ayaw kong magmadali at sa mismong araw pa ng pag-alis namin mag-impake kaya inasikaso ko na mula pa kahapon.
Mabilis pero pasimple kong inayos ang mga gamit na feeling ko, masakit sa mata ni Tita. Kaninang kaming dalawa lang ni Ryo ang narito, mukha namang okay lang ang kuwarto. But now that she’s here, I feel like I need to tidy up the room more. She was never mean to me, but I could not help but still feel a little intimidated whenever she’s around.
She walked towards the crib, ignoring Ryo who asked her a question on what she’s doing there. Her cold expression melted upon seeing Raiko. She bent down a little to touch the thin tuft of Raiko’s dark hair. Raiko made a sound.
“I told you to stop talking to her. I warned you.” Kung anong nilambot ng tingin niya kay apo, siya namang tinalim ng tingin niya sa anak. I didn’t know where to look, or kung lalabas ba ako dahil mukhang pagagalitan ni Tita si Ryo. Lagi namang pinagagalitan ni Tita ’yan kahit nakikinig ako, pero hindi na talaga ako nasanay. I feel like I’m invading their privacy or something.
Ryo clicked his tongue. Nahuli ko siyang tumingin sa ’kin. They’re talking about Talie, I know. I also know that he doesn’t want me to hear any of it. Too bad for him though, because I want to hear it. I’m sure Tita won’t mind me staying in the room.
“Hindi ko na nga kinakausap ’yon, ’My. Siya lang ang kumakausap sa ’kin, magkaiba ’yon,” he argued. Ang mga natiklop ko nang pambahay ko, niladlad ko para matiklop ko ulit. I needed something to keep me busy. I’m here to listen, pero ayaw ko namang lantarang ipakita na nakikinig ako.
“You considered dating her.” There’s an edge on her voice. Saglit akong naptigil sa pagtutupi. “What were you thinking?”
Tumikhim si Ryo. Simple sana akong sisilip sa kaniya pero gano’n din pala ang gagawin niya sa ’kin kaya nagkasalubong ang mata namin. Napakamot siya sa likod ng ulo.
“Hindi ko naman tinuloy, ’My. Saka ano ka ba… brokenhearted nga po ako.” Mahina niya pang sinabi ang huling parte. I swallowed back my chuckles.
Tita sighed heavily. “She paid that guy outside. Sinaktan mo ba ’yon?”
“Muntik lang,” sagot ni Ryo, na parang nagsisisi pa na hindi siya nakapanakit.
“Don’t be dumb next time. That would have been assault.”
Ryo hissed. Dahil wala na akong gagawin, hinugot ko ang maleta mula sa ilalim ng kama. I’m not supposed to put my clothes here until I’m done checking that everything’s complete, pero kailangan ko ng props para magmukhang busy.
“Talie paid him,” Tita said which made me pause. Maging si Ryo ay kumunot ang noo. “Pero ’wag mo nang intindihin. Just focus on trying to stay alive when you get at Frankie’s.”
Parang gusto ko na lang magpalamon sa sahig. I didn’t know that they were aware of how much my father disapproved of Ryo.
“I paid him five times the amount Talie gave him… promised him a stable job… even a new car and a camera. Bakit mo ba kasi sinira ’yung kaniya?”
“Puro pictures namin ni Frankie ’yung nakita ko, ’My. Kung ano-ano pa ang sinabi niya tungkol kay Frankie. Nakakagalit.”
Inangat ko ang tingin sa kaniya. Nasa sahig lang ang tingin niya at mukhang nasira na naman ang mood. I looked away before he could even feel my stares.
Tita sighed. “Kahit pa, Ryo. You don’t just engage in a fight with someone from the media. Ang sakit niyan sa ulo ’pag nagkataon.”
I thought he would still argue, but he didn’t. Tita has a point. Wala na akong narinig kay Ryo kundi malalim na buntonghininga.
I heard Tita’s footsteps. Mahina niyang pinagsabihan si Ryo pagkatapos, like she didn’t want me to hear, pero narinig ko pa rin naman. I don’t think it’s anything too private… just a bunch of I told you sos. Na winarninangan na daw niya si Ryo na gagamitin siya ni Talie for publicity. That Talie’s a walking headache since the beginning. Ang pinakapaborito ko ata ay ’yung tinawag niya si Talie na sinungaling, mapagpanggap, at feeling ay kayang dumikit sa kaniya nang basta-basta.
I wonder on what would have happened if Ryo and Talie ended up together. Ryo loves his mother too much. If Tita wouldn’t change her mind about Talie, malaking gulo ’yon.
Tumigil lang ako sa ginagawa nang umalis na si Tita. Ang mga damit na nilagay ko na sa loob ng maleta ay tinanggal ko ulit. Binalik ko sa ilalim ng kama ang maleta bago lumapit kay Ryo. He looked like a kid sulking over his mother’s words.
Nagawi ang tingin niya sa ’kin. He pouted before averting his gaze. I chuckled and tiptoed to kiss him on the cheek, like what I always do before. His arm snaked behind me, lowering his face, prompting me to kiss him again there so I did.
Nawala na ang simangot niya ro’n. He sighed exasperatedly before pressing me closer to him.
Hindi ko na pinansin iyong ginawa ni Talie, and how my mind is now coming up with a hunch that she was responsible for the photos I found in Ryo’s room. Obviously, she craves for the spotlight. I’m not sure if it’s because of her attention-seeking nature, or if she’s just desperate to keep herself relevant in the industry. Maybe even her photos with Ryo, which eventually led to our break-up, were part of her childish schemes. It doesn’t matter to me now, anyway. What matters to me is that she’s finally, and completely, out of the picture.
I pinched Ryo’s arm out of reflex when he buried his nose on my neck. Alam niyang makikiliti ako sa buhok niya at sinasadya niyang matusok ang balat ko no’n. He chuckled with me before standing back up.
“Ligo ka na, Frankie. Asim mo na e,” natatawa niyang sabi. I frowned and his grin widened. Lumayo ako nang kaunti bago amuyin ang sarili. Hindi nawala ang ngisi niya sa ’kin. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin dahil hindi naman ako amoy maasim!
“Ligo ka na habang ’di pa pumapalahaw ’yung isa.” Pa’no kaya ako maliligo kung parang ayaw niya naman akong pakawalan? There’s a glint in his eyes, as if he’s thinking of something funny. “O ako na ba ang magpapaligo sa ’yo?”
I stepped back after hearing that, forcing him to let go of his hold on me. Lalo lang lumakas ang tawa niya nang talikuran ko siya para kumuha ng bagong tuwalya. Nakailang irap ako habang naririnig ko siyang nang-aasar na tumatawa.
I turned to look at him after getting my towel. He was still grinning widely, pero nasa gilid na siya ng crib at nakatingin kay Raiko. His gaze went to me and he had to bite his lower lip to prevent his smirk from growing.
I rolled my eyes and marched to the bathroom like a kid throwing a fit. Uuwi na kami pero hanggang ngayon, ’di pa rin niya nililinaw kung kami na ba ulit o ano. I know by heart that we sort of got back together already, but I need his words as an assurance. Saka, ayokong mauna, ano… baka mamaya sabihin ko kay Tatay na kami na ulit, tapos syempre, matutuwa siya masyado at mahihiya ako. Kaya gusto ko, siya ang mauna.
Mabilis lang akong naligo, dahil for sure, matataranta ’yong si Ryo ’pag biglang umiyak si Raiko at naliligo pa ako. I forgot to bring clothes with me so I wrapped myself with a towel before going out. My brow arched when I saw him setting up my laptop on the table.
Napunta sa ’kin ang tingin niya. I thought he would shy away and look back down at my screen but the opposite happened. Shamelessly, his eyes raked my body from head to toe. Napahigpit ang hawak ko sa tuwalya kahit na alam ko namang hindi ’yon mahuhubad sa katawan ko. Ako pa ang nahiya at agad na tumalikod para maiwasan ang tingin niya! He chuckled at that.
“Tinext ka ni Cali, sorry nabasa ko. Tatawag daw siya,” he said. I nodded. I don’t mind. Wala naman siyang mababasang kung ano sa phone ko. Plus, I’m sure Cali wouldn’t tell me about Nate through text, so wala akong kailangang itago kay Ryo.
I quickly rummaged through my remaining clothes in the drawer. Pabalik pa lang ako sa banyo nang marinig kong tumunog ang laptop ko. I looked at Ryo, who was about to pick-up Raiko from his crib. Tinanguan ko siya, letting him answer the call dahil hindi pa ako nakakabihis.
I picked up my lotion on the way to the bathroom. Tinawag ako ni Ryo pero hindi ko siya nilingon dahil kailangan ko nang magbihis.
“Just answer it,” I told him before heading inside the bathroom.
Nang lumabas ako, naabutan ko si Ryo na nakatulala lang sa screen ko. Nagsalubong ang kilay ko ro’n.
Sinabihan ko na siyang ’wag masyadong asarin si Cali e. Hindi siguro nakinig. Cali’s scary when she’s mad. ’Pag nag-away pati sila, maiipit ako.
“Ano? Nag-away kayo?” I asked while drying my hair with a towel. Ryo looked at me, scared, lips almost trembling. Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay.
Before I could even go in front of my laptop to apologize to Cali on his behalf, a loud voice came out cracked from my laptop’s speakers, “Ceskang!”
Bumalik agad ang tingin ni Ryo sa screen. Realizing that it isn’t Cali he’s talking with, my fingertips grew cold. Scared, I sat beside Ryo.
Nanuyo rin ata ang lalamunan ko nang makita ko si Tatay, may hawak na lagaring pakiramdam ko’y kung kaya niyang ibaon sa leeg ni Ryo ngayon, ginawa na niya. Parang puputok na ang mga ugat niya sa noo habang mariing nakatingin sa mag-ama ko.
Mukhang mapapaaga ang uwi namin.
Chapter 20: Husband
#hhfm20 chapter 20: Husband
“You okay?”
Ryo shifted his gaze to me, at sa liwanag ng ilaw nila, halatang-halata ko ang pagkaputla niya. He kept on assuring me earlier that he was fine even if I wasn’t asking, pero ngayong tinanong ko na siya, he couldn’t answer. Kagagaling niya lang sa baba para sabihan sina Tita na aalis na kami mamayang gabi.
Hindi papayag si Tatay na wala kami ro’n agad kinabukasan. If we wouldn’t be able to travel by tonight, I was a hundred percent sure that my parents would be here by tomorrow afternoon. At sigurado akong galit na galit na si Tatay no’n dahil sila pa ang dumayo rito. Bukod sa ayaw kong dito mag-eksena sa bahay nina Tita dahil nakakahiya, Tatay’s too old to get too mad.
He averted his gaze before nodding, na mukhang hindi naman bukal sa loob niya.
Raiko’s on the bed, sleeping. Mabuti nga’t nakatulog dahil kailangan kong mag-ayos ng gamit. I couldn’t trust Ryo in preparing our luggage. He’s too distracted, baka maraming makalimutan.
Mahina siyang napatawa kaya napalingon ulit ako sa kaniya. His finger was lightly tracing Raiko’s hair. “Kinakabahan ako. Hindi ako prepared,” he admitted.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin sa kaniya. I couldn’t just tell him that it would be easy because we’re both sure that it wouldn’t be. Sa kasutilan ko rin kasi na ayaw kong umuwi no’ng buntis ako, lalo lang maba-bad shot si Ryo kay Tatay. Baka isipin niya e sinadya ni Ryo na itago sa kaniya. When in reality, it was my choice to keep my pregnancy private. I remember Tita urging me to tell them pero hindi ako sumunod. Besides, Ryo and I weren’t really in good terms during those days.
At one point, I kind of understand my father’s anger. Nag-iisa akong anak e. After graduating high school, halos ayaw pa akong pakawalan ni Tatay dahil baka raw mapaano ako kung malalayo sa kanila. I promised them that I would do good while I was away.
Kahit na hindi naman talaga, ang tingin niya kay Ryo e kaaway talaga. Na baka raw binilog lang ang utak ko para iwan din sa dulo. Katuwaan, palipasan. Knowing that we broke up, at kahit anong paliwanag ko na mutual choice namin ’yon, lalo lang nasira ang image ni Ryo sa kaniya. Tapos, ito, may Raiko pa. Iba pa naman ang imagination ni Tatay. Baka isipin na sinadya akong buntisin o ano.
“Maaga na raw tayo mag-dinner sabi ni Mommy. Magpapaakyat na ba ’ko ng pagkain?”
“Ikaw bahala.”
Hindi ako makaramdam ng gutom. If I knew that we were to go home by tonight, sana bumawi ako ng tulog. This would be my first time travelling with Raiko, at hindi ako siguro kung ano ba ang dapat at hindi dapat gawin. Baka pagdating sa ’min, bagsak na lang ako sa kama sa sobrang pagod.
I was done packing Ryo and I’s things, but I was nowhere near done with Raiko’s. Pakiramdam ko ay may makakalimutan akong importante. I’m sure we could just do stop-overs in case we need something, but doing that means more time on the road. Mainipin si Tatay. ’Pag natagalan kami, magigisa si Ryo lalo. I honestly have no idea on what to do anymore.
I heard him sigh. Nanahimik na siya pagkatapos. I wanted to tell him to get some sleep but I think that would be useless. He’d be too nervous to put himself to sleep. Mabuti ba si Raiko, ang sarap ng tulog.
I wasn’t sure on how much time had passed. I was rechecking Raiko’s essentials and texting Nanay when I felt Ryo creeping behind me. “Tama na ’yan… Okay na ’yan, bumili na lang tayo kung may nakalimutan ka…”
I paused. One of his arms snaked around my waist. Ramdam ko ang kabog ng dibdib niya sa lapit niya sa ’kin, or maybe it’s my own nervous heartbeats for two things: him meeting my father and our lack of distance.
Napapikit at napailag ako nang bahagya nang ipatong niya ang ulo sa ’king balikat. The ends of his hair felt prickly on my skin. Hindi pa siya nagpapagupit.
“Kain na tayo,” I told him because I suddenly felt my hunger when I stopped being busy.
“Okay, mag-aakyat na ’kong pagkain,” he whispered on my shoulders. I ruffled his hair before he stood up and left to get us food.
The two of us remained silent while eating. I was too busy calculating the hours it would take for us to get there, considering our need to take stop-overs if necessary. Paniguradong puyat kami pareho. What about the driver? Kailangan pa nilang magpalitan ni Ryo. Maybe we need to stop at an inn for an hour if we really need a short rest.
While I was taking a short rest, Ryo opened his luggage. Hindi ko na lang pinansin dahil baka iche-check niya lang kung kumpleto.
Bandang alas-siete kami inakyat ng driver nila para tulungan si Ryo sa mga gamit namin. I didn’t bring much because I still have clothes at our home. Pero ’yung gamit ni Raiko at Ryo, medyo marami.
“Wala na bang kulang?” tanong ni Ryo, nasa may pintuan at bitbit ang bag ko.
“Wala na,” I answered, shaking my head. Tumango lang siya bago hilahin pasara ang pinto.
Raiko was still sleeping, but I knew that he would wake up the moment we’re on the road. Ayaw niya ng malikot, pero ayaw niya rin ng walang bumubuhat sa kaniya. His crib’s full of thick blankets to keep it extra warm so he would feel like someone’s carrying him kahit naman wala.
Matagal akong tumitig kay Raiko. Imposibleng magalit si Tatay sa bata, at imposibleng kalimutan niyang anak niya ’ko dahil lang sa nagkaapo siya sa ’kin nang maaga. I’m confident to say that my father loves me too much to disown me. Plus, Raiko’s too cute. Sana lang ay sapat ’yon para mapaamo kahit papaano si Tatay.
Pagbaba ko, naririnig ko si Raianne na nagrereklamo kay Tito. She wanted to come with us but she still had a month left of school. Sakali mang tumagal kami sa ’min nang dalawang buwan, puwede namang pumunta si Raianne at humabol.
I pulled Raiko’s cap to cover his ears, as if that’s enough to block Raianne’s high pitched whining. Tumahimik din naman nang bahagya sa salas nang makita nila kami. Unfortunately for them, Raiko’s asleep kaya hindi nila malaro kahit bago kami umalis.
Outside, a customized trailer van’s already waiting for us. There’s a row of seats behind the driver’s, where our bags were placed. May hinila si Ryo sa ilalim ng cushion seat na nagdugtong sa dalawang upuan sa likod, making the rest of the back of the car seem like a bed.
“Wala na kayong naiwan?” tanong ni Tito na nakaabang sa pag-alis namin.
Si Ryo ang sumagot, “Wala na, ’Dy. Sunod kayo agad bukas.”
Natawa si Tito ro’n. “Gusto mo ngayon na e. Galingan mo ro’n ha. ’Wag mo kaming ipapahiya ng Mommy mo.”
Bahagya akong nahiya ro’n. They all have to try so hard to please my side pero ako, tinanggap nila agad nang walang tanong-tanong. It seems unfair for them, pero wala naman akong narinig kailanman na reklamo sa kanila tungkol sa attitude at trust issues ng Tatay ko.
And then we’re off.
Ryo’s still silent. My leg’s stretched across the cushion, my back against the row of seats in front, my feet landing on his thigh. Nakatiklop ang tuhod niya at sa may pinto nakapuwesto, nagpupumilit magkasya sa lapad ng van. I told him to sit beside me and try to sleep, pero hindi niya ako pinansin.
I’ve seen Ryo nervous. I’ve heard him stutter when he asked for my number. I know how he acts whenever he’s worried about a game. I know how cold his fingers turn whenever he’s scared. Pero iba pa rin talaga ang takot niya sa tatay ko. Parang kahit ako nga na mismong anak, hindi matapatan ang takot niya kay Tatay.
Kahit na bahagya akong nakikiliti sa gaspang ng kamay niya ay hindi ko na siya sinita sa magaang pagpisil-pisil at masahe niya sa binti ko. Maybe he’s trying to distract himself.
Ayaw ko talaga ng págod tuwing bumibiyahe, ’yung kahit parang nakaupo ka lang ay sobra-sobra ang panghihina ng katawan. An hour passed and my arms already felt sore. Naglatag si Ryo ng kumot sa isang gilid para lang mailapag ko si Raiko saglit. Nga lang, wala pang isang minuto sa pagkakalapag ay pumalahaw na agad.
“Sige na, ako na muna…” agap ni Ryo bago ko pa mabuhat ulit ang bata. He sat beside me and didn’t give me a chance to argue. I stretched my arms before checking my phone. Tumatawag si Nanay.
I glanced at Ryo before answering the call. “Nay…” pambungad ko.
“Ceskang.”
Napaayos agad ako ng upo. There’s an edge on her voice. Maybe to others, mas nakakatakot nga si Tatay kung magalit. He’s very vocal and harsh. Pero para sa ’kin, mas nakakatakot ’pag si Nanay ang sumasamá ang loob sa ’kin. She rarely speaks about her disappointments, and I don’t like the feeling whenever she gives me the cold shoulder treatment.
“Po?” kinakabahan ko nang tanong.
“Gusto ng tatay mong pumunta kami diyan. Sa’n daw ba kayo nakatira ngayon ni Ryo?”
I massaged my temples. Ito na nga ba ang sinasabi ko. I told Tatay that we would go home tonight before I ended the video call, pero s’yempre pások sa isang tainga, labas sa kabila ’yon.
“Kami na po ang pupunta d’yan. Nasa biyahe na po kami,” I said which nade Ryo look at me.
“E anong oras kayo makakarating? Madaling araw? Aayusin ko pa ang kuwarto mo. Magpapakuha ba ako ng kuna sa tatay mo?”
“Siguro po mga alas-sais, nandiyan na kami.”
“Sige na. Mag-ingat kayo. Kakausapin ko ’yang si Ryo pagdating niyo rito.”
Pinatay niya agad ang tawag bago pa ako makapagpaalam. I sighed. I already saw this coming, pero hindi pa rin ako fully prepared. Kahit ata ipaliwanag ko sa kanilang choice kong hindi muna sabihin sa kanila, hindi sila maniniwala at kay Ryo ibabaling ang sisi.
Sumabay pa ang mga iniisip ko sa pagod. After another hour, Raiko fell asleep after being breastfed. Ryo tried to lay Raiko down back on the blanket and fortunately, hindi naman nagising at nagligalig. Kahit pagod ay napangiti ako nang makitang halikan niya sa ilong ang anak namin. Sigurado akong alam ni Tatay na puwede siyang magalit kung hanggang kailan niya gusto, but he couldn’t change the fact that Ryo’s the father of my child and the only person I see myself growing old with.
“Inaantok na ako,” I told Ryo before laying my back on the cushion and stretching my legs. Patagilid akong humiga at sumiksik sa may tagiliran niya. Hindi ata siya makahiga dahil hindi na kami magkakasya. He needs to fold his legs to fit in the van.
“Tulog ka na,” he whispered. I felt one of his hands reach for my thigh, urging me to put one of my legs over his so I did. Pumikit na ako at ipinahinga ang mata.
“Hindi ka nagugutom?” he asked. Ramdam ko ang daliri niya sa ’king buhok. He’s going to be so tired after this. Dalawa pa kami ni Raiko na binabantayan niya. Plus, baka kailanganin nilang mag-switch ng driver nila mamaya. Pagdating pa sa ’min, hindi ko alam kung hahayaan ba siya ni Tatay na payapang matulog.
“No, antok lang,” I mumbled.
Malapit na ’kong tuluyang makatulog nang magsalita siya muli. “Frankie?”
“Hm?” I scooted closer to him. I feel kind of cold.
“I love you.”
Napamulat ako agad ro’n. I wanted to sit down and talk about it but he covered my eyes with his palm.
“Matulog ka muna,” he said, chuckling a bit at the end of his sentence. “Mahal pa rin naman kita bukas.”
“Okay,” I said, nodding, trying to keep the erratic heartbeats silent. Natagalan bago niya tanggalin ang palad niyang tumatakip sa mata ko.
I moved closer to him, both because I was cold and because my cheeks felt like they caught fire. His hand flew to my arm, rubbing it gently for heat. Finally, I fell asleep.
***
When I woke up, Ryo was not beside me. Raiko was still in his place, with pillows stacked around him. I was not aware of how much time had passed.
Pagkaupo ko ay nakita ko kaagad ang driver nila na katabi ang mga bagahe namin. Nakatungo at nakahalukipkip, umiidlip ata.
“Ryo?” I called. Humugong siya mula sa driver’s seat.
“Tigil muna tayo? Para makatulog ’yung driver niyo nang ayos, and I need to clean Raiko up.”
Hindi siya sumagot. He just showed me a thumbs up. Umayos na ako ng pagkakaupo at kinuha ang maliit na bag ni Raiko, making sure that everything I need to clean him up with was there. A few minutes later and Ryo pulled over.
Ryo got a room for us and a seperate one for their driver. Pagkarating namin sa kuwarto, kahit na gusto ko na lang humiga sa kama, ay ’di ko naman magawa. Ryo also looked like he wanted to sleep but he wanted to help me. Papikit-pikit na siya habang nililikom ang mga gamít nang cotton balls.
“You should sleep, Ryo. Kahit 20 minutes lang,” I told him. Nakatulog naman na ako kanina kaya kahit hindi na ako umidlip ngayon. Hindi rin naman ako magmamaneho, kaya puwede akong matulog ulit at sabayan si Raiko mamaya.
“Magkakape na lang ako,” he said, which was then followed by a yawn. Puwede naman na ata silang magpalit ulit ng driver nila.
“No. Matulog ka mamaya sa sasakyan.”
He frowned, halatang ayaw sumunod, o baka gusto lang talaga niya ng kape. Sa huli ay tumango rin naman siya.
Pagkabalik namin sa sasakyan, lumabas din ang pagod ni Ryo na pilit niyang tinatago kanina. Pagkakalapat ng likod niya sa kutson, tulog siya agad. Mahina pa nga siyang humahagok at nakanganga pa nang bahagya. I wanted to take a picture but my arms were full.
I wanted to ask him about what he told me earlier… but that could wait. It’s not like we’re going to run out of time together.
Nakaidlip na rin ako nang hindi ko namamalayan. Paputol-putol nga lang kaya medyo masakit sa ulo. Malapit na kami sa ’min nang mag-stop over kami saglit para kumain.
“Nganga,” sabi ni Ryo at nilapit sa ’kin ang kutsara niya. Bukás ang pinto ng van at ’di na ako bumaba dahil buhat ko pa si Raiko. Nasa labas kami ng all-day diner at bitbit ni Ryo ang pinagtake-out-an. Ang driver nila, nasa harapan at do’n kumakain.
I’m not sure if people here don’t know who Ryo is or they just don’t recognize him when he looks like this. Gusot na ang t-shirt niya ay mukhang pagod kahit na kagigising lang. Nakabungkos pa sa sanrio na pink ang buhok niya dahil naiirita siya pag tumutusok sa mata niya.
“Malapit na tayo, ’no? Kinakabahan na talaga ako,” natatawa niyang sabi, pero alam kong totoo ’yung kaba niya.
“We’ll be fine,” I told him even if I was as nervous as him. It’s not going to be easy, knowing my father’s temper, but we’ll be fine. Hindi ako papayag na hindi.
Pagbalik namin sa daan, halata kong hindi na talaga siya mapakali. He’s curled up in a ball while hugging my thigh. I tried to distract him by talking about my work and Cali’s relationship with Nate. Mukha namang effective pero tuwing matatahimik kami, umuungot siya bigla na parang maiiyak na bata. It’s like I’m taking care of two babies at once.
“Sa’n ako magtitigil pagkarating sa inyo?” he asked.
Napanguso ako. “Hindi ka papayagan sa kuwarto ko, unless gusto mong akyatin ni Tatay ang bintana ko para hilahin ka palabas.”
He frowned. “May anak na nga tayo’t lahat-lahat… bawal pa rin tabi sa kama?”
I chuckled at that. Dalawa lang naman ang options niya—i-occupy ’yung libre pa naming kuwarto, o ’pag ’di pa rin siya pinayagan, rerenta siya ng kuwarto sa mga malalapit na inn. Hindi naman ako papayag do’n sa huli. I don’t want Ryo away. Tatay needs to put up with my choice, anyway. And I’m choosing Ryo. Tatay would need time to fully accept him, of course.
“Kailan kaya tayo makakauwi? Pauuwiin ka pa ba sa ’min?” Tiningala niya ako.
I nodded. “I have work. And I submitted an application on a different company. Next month na siguro ang response nila ro’n. Ang problema natin, sino’ng mag-aalaga kay Raiko.”
“Puwede naman siyang sa bahay, kaama ni Mommy. Saka… ikaw. Do’n ka na rin sa ’min. ’Wag ka nang bumukod.”
“Nakakahiya sa parents mo.” Kumikita naman ako ng pera. Ayaw ko rin naman pating masanay na nakadepende sa pamilya niya. How could we learn if we would always depend on his parents? They wouldn’t be here forever.
“Edi kumuha tayo ng bahay? Magsabi ka lang.”
Nailing na lang ako. I know that Ryo could afford the two of us a house, even without depending on his parents’ money. But I want to pay my own share, at hindi ko pa ’yon kaya sa ngayon.
“Aren’t you going back to basketball? Kung tayong dalawa lang, wala pala talagang mag-aalaga kay Raiko. Unless iiwan natin siya lagi sa inyo.”
Umiling siya. “Ayoko muna.”
Kumunot ang noo ko ro’n. “What? Why?”
Nagsumiksik siya lalo sa ’kin. “Kayo muna uunahin ko.”
“Sigurado ka?” I asked, worried that he’s already sacrificing one of his biggest dreams for me and Raiko.
Totoo namang minsan nakakasama ng loob ’yung pakiramdam na parang pinipilit ko na lang ang sarili ko sa mundo’t oras niya, but I don’t want him to give up his dreams for me. I broke up with him partly because I felt like I was slowing him down. All I wanted was for him to learn to balance things.
“Oo. Saka ang tagal ko nang walang laro. ’Di na ata ako marunong,” he chuckled, “Expert na lang akong magpatahan ng bata.”
“So… you’d prefer to stay home and take care of Raiko while I work?”
Tumango siya. “May office work si Daddy na sa ’kin pinapasa; ako ang panganay e. Puwede ko namang sa bahay gawin ’yon. Minsan-minsan lang ako kailangan sa opisina ’pag tatawagin ni Tita Fiona.”
Napatango na lang ako. Then it suddenly hit me that we’re already talking about having a house and living together when we have not even discussed our relationship. I thought he would ask me about trying again, pero talagang binigla lang niya ako at bigla siyang nag-I love you nang walang warning. I thought he would ask me if I feel the same… Hindi ko tuloy alam kung ayaw niya lang akong ma-pressure o… ina-assume niya nang nire-reciprocate ko ang feelings niya.
“Tell me if you change your mind,” I said. I don’t want him to tie himself to a life he thought he wanted pero hindi pala. Kung magbago ang isip niya after one month, or kahit mamaya, ayos lang. We’d figure things out together.
“Hm, parang hindi na magbabago,” he lifted himself up with a grunt, stretching his neck afterwards, “Gusto ko na lang maging house-husband forever.”
House… husband?
We’re not even married yet.
Should I make the first move and ask for his hand in marriage?
Baka himatayin siya kung sakali. He can be dramatic at times.
Ang medyo napawi niyang kaba ay bumalik nang tumigil na ang van. I know we’re just a few minutes away from our house. Mahihirapan lumabas ang van kaya hindi na pinasok nang todo-todo. Marami kasing bata sa labas at mga tricycle.
Their driver lifted the door and Ryo helped me to get outside. Sumisilip na ang liwanag at may mga bata na ngang naglalaro sa gawa-gawa nilang court. They paid me no attention.
Malakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko. It felt nice to be back but I know that there’s trouble waiting for me at home.
Binabâ na nila ang mga gamit namin. Ryo’s holding my luggage and Raiko’s, while their driver’s pulling his. We could walk… pero puwede rin namang mag-tricycle para hindi na kami ihahatid pa ng driver nilang mukhang pagod na.
Ryo’s standing beside me, waiting for a tricycle to pull over. Sigurado naman akong merong darating. I looked at him and caught him too busy watching the kids play with the ball. Hindi mapakali ang paa niyang panay ang tapik sa lupa. Kabado.
Gumulong ang bola malapit sa kaniya nang mabitiwan ng isang bata. Yumuko siya at dinampot ’yon. I thought he would give it back to the kid but he threw it even farther. Nanlaki ang mata ko ro’n. Sumama ang tingin ng bata sa kaniya. He grinned.
“Stop being mean. Baka mamaya ma-karma ka,” I reminded him. Bumalik ang simangot niya.
Sa likod siya ng tricycle sumakay habang nakakarga sa loob kasama ko ang mga bagahe namin. When I was finally able to make out the facade of our house, my heart felt like it was going to leap out my chest and run away out of fear.
Nang makita si Tatay na nasa labas na, nakaupo sa bangkông sigurado akong siya rin ang gumawa, katabi si Louie na kumakain ng pan de sal, napadasal ako nang wala sa oras. Agad na tumalim ang tingin ni Tatay nang tumigil ang tricycle na sinasakyan namin. Nasilip agad ako ni Louie na tumayo para kuhanin ang mga bagahe sa loob.
I didn’t go to Tatay yet. Hinintay ko si Ryo na sigurado akong, kahit hindi ko pa nahahawakan, malamig ang mga daliri.
“’Tay…” The last time I was this nervous in front of him was when I had to introduce Ryo as my boyfriend.
Nilapag niya ang tasa sa mahabang upuan. Bumaba ang tingin niya kay Raiko bago lumingon kay Ryo na parang naging bato na sa tabi ko.
“Good morning po, ’Tay.” Rinig ko ang nginig sa boses niya.
Nalukot ang mukha ni Tatay ro’n bago siya tumayo. “’Wag mo ’kong ma-Tatay-Tatay, hindi kita anak,” aniya bago tumalikod. My heart dropped at that. Maybe this is going to be a lot more difficult than I thought.
“Tumuloy kayo sa loob,” aniya bago pumihit paharap ulit sa ’min. His stare lingered at Raiko.
I sighed. Tutulong na sana si Louie sa bagahe namin at siya na ang magbibitbit ng gamit ko, nang biglang magsalita pa si Tatay, “’Wag mo ’yang tulungan, Louie. Kaya ’yang buhatin ng bumuntis sa anak ko.”
Masama ang tingin niya kay Ryo bago tumalikod ulit at pumasok na sa loob.
Chapter 21: Ring
hhfm21 chapter 21: Ring
“Wala bang multo rito?”
I chuckled at that. Ryo kept on looking around the room, kahit na wala naman siyang makikita kundi ang pader na kumupas na ang pintura at ang malaking cabinet. Raiko’s awake, and miraculously, tahimik sa crib niya. Kabababa lang ni Nanay kanina para maghanda ng almusal.
I told Ryo that Lolo used to occupy this room. Hindi siya pinayagan ni Nanay na sa kuwarto ko matulog. Mas malala nga si Tatay dahil mula sa baba, rinig na rinig kong ayaw niyang dito tumuloy si Ryo. It’s better for him to have this room instead of renting an inn, kaya wala siyang choice.
“Aayusin ko na ba ang gamit mo? O ikaw na?” I asked, ignoring his silly question earlier.
Sasagot pa lamang siya nang biglang may kumatok sa bukás namang pinto. Sino pa ba iyon kundi si Tatay. Wala ring doorknob ang pinto kaya hindi talaga puwedeng i-lock ni Ryo ang pinto kahit gustohin niya. Hindi siya dapat matakot sa kaluluwa ni Lolo. Mas matakot siya na bigla siyang pasukin ni Tatay rito.
“Kung may gusto ka raw bang kainin, sabi ng Nanay mo,” aniya. Ni hindi man lang niya tinapunan ng tingin si Ryo.
Maybe he would let us off the hook for today. Well, sana. Ryo and I are tired. Gusto ko munang makapagpahinga bago nila kami gisahin.
“Kahit ano po, ’Tay,” sagot ko.
Hindi pa siya umalis pagkasagot ko. Meaning, he did not go up here just to ask me what I want for breakfast. Lumipat ang tingin niya kay Ryo at napangibit. I internally sighed. At least he wouldn’t be able to kick Ryo out. Hindi ako papayag. At isa pa, pumayag na si Nanay na rito siya tumuloy.
“Bakit nandito ka sa kuwarto niyan?” He couldn’t even address Ryo properly, as if the mere sound of his name disgusts him.
Ang tingin ni Tatay sa ’kin, matalim. Parang malaking kasalanan na nandito ako sa kuwartong tinutuluyan ni Ryo. Parang walang baby ro’n sa crib na pare-parehas naman naming alam kung paano nabuo.
“May iimisin pa raw po ro’n sa kuwarto ko. Do’n naman po ’ko matutulog maya-maya,” kalmado kong sabi. As much as possible, ayaw kong sabayan ang inis ni Tatay. Mag-aaway lang kami, at mas mahihirapan si Ryo na magpa-goodshot sa kaniya dahil paniguradong iisipin lang lalo ni Tatay na inaagaw ako sa kaniya ni Ryo.
Nagtagal ang tingin niya sa akin bago kami iwan. I glanced at Ryo and when I heard him sigh, probably out of relief. I noticed the worry in his eyes before he covered his face with his palms.
“Simula pa lang ’yan,” paalala ko sa kaniya. Mahirap naman talagang kalkulahin kung pano kikilos sa harap ng Tatay ko. Lalo na ngayong masyadong mainit pa ang ulo, talagang mangangapa kami.
“Kailan pupunta sina Tita?” tanong ko, para maihanda ang sarili at para na rin masabihan si Nanay.
Kung ako ang tatanungin, hindi naman ako nagmamadaling pabinyagan si Raiko. Kaso, hindi ko alam kung gano’n din para kina Tatay. Makikipag-usap pa kami sa parokya, at papupuntahin ko pa sina Cali rito. Ayaw ko namang pabinyagan si Raiko nang hindi pa nagkakaayos sina Tatay at sina Tita.
“Baka mamayang hapon,” sagot ni Ryo. Inilapag ko nang ayos sa sahig ang kaniyang bagahe at nagsimulang buksan. Hindi pa man ako nangangalahati sa pagbukas ng zipper ay sumulpot siya sa harapan ko at pinigilan ang aking kamay.
“What?”
He smiled. “Ako na. Magpahinga ka na kaya?”
I shook my head and tried to shake off his hold on my hand, but it was firm. “Hindi ako puwedeng matulog dito, magagalit si Tatay lalo sa ’yo. May inaayos pa sa kuwarto ko kaya hindi rin ako puwede pa ro’n. Do’n ka na kay Raiko, aayusin ko na ’to.”
He frowned which made my eyebrow twitch. He’s acting weird. Hindi naman ako mapapagod nang sobra dahil isasalansan ko lang naman sa cabinet ang mga damit niya. Ako pa nga ang naglagay ng mga damit niya sa bagahe, kaya nakita ko na lahat. Ano pa ba ang kinahihiya niya?
“Ako na kasi,” pagpupumilit niya at puwersahang tinanggal ang kapit ko sa zipper.
“Bakit ba?” tanong ko. Hindi na ako umalis sa sahig. Mukhang ayaw niya pang iayos ang gamit niya dahil sinara niya ang zipper ng maleta.
I looked at our old cabinet. Pati ba naman ’yon ay katatakutan niya? We no longer have any of Lolo’s clothes.
“Basta,” he answered. Pinanliitan ko siya ng mata.
He looked away before standing up. I looked back at his luggage with a weird feeling crawling in my mind.
“May tinatago ka ba sa ’kin?” I asked him directly.
Halos agaran ang pagpaling ng tingin niya sa ’kin. Eyes wide, he shook his head repeatedly. My frown deepened.
“Wala, Frankie,” aniya bago dali-daling bumalik sa tapat ko sa sahig.
Napanguso ako. He shouldn’t have answered. Lalo lang tuloy akong nagduda. Or maybe I shouldn’t have asked that question in the first place, but I couldn’t help it. I like it when we’re both straightforward. After all, our relationship got rocky when we started keeping things to ourselves.
“’Di ako naniniwala, but okay.” I shrugged before standing. Pinagpagan ko ang pantalong suot. I was not mad. It’s just that I don’t believe him, pero hindi ko naman dinadamdam.
“O ito na nga, sige na…” kakamot-kamot sa ulo niyang sabi bago buksan ang maleta niya. I raised a brow.
“I’m not mad, Ryo,” I assured him. I really wasn’t, but he looked like he didn’t believe me. He reached for my hand, and I was forced to sit back down on the floor.
“Wala nga talaga,” he sighed, “Sige na, mag-ayos na tayong gamit.”
I eyed him suspiciously. Hindi niya natagalan ang titig ko at yumuko na sa mga damit niya. I picked up a few of his shirts lying on top of the others and stood up to put them inside the cabinet.
Dahil ayaw kong magpabalik-balik, hinigit ko na nang tuluyan ang isang drawer para sana dalhin na sa sahig. Pagharap ko’y naabutan ko siyang may mabilisang tinagong kung ano sa likuran niya.
My eyes narrowed. Wala palang tinatago, ha? What was that, then? And why does he look like he’s going to piss on his pants anytime soon?
“Ano ’yon?” I asked and sat across him, with his luggage between us.
Halata kong nagulo ang mga damit niya at mukhang mula sa ilalim ng mga shorts niya kinuha ang kung anoman ’yong tinatago niya ngayon sa likuran niya. I shook my head. He’s miserably failing in this hiding game.
“Wala,” sagot niya, nakayuko na. I watched him put some of his clothes on the drawer.
“Húli ka na sa akto, itatanggi mo pa.” I clicked my tongue.
Bumalik sa ’kin ang tingin niya dahil ro’n. Ilang segundo kaming nagkatinginan lang. I blinked rapidly and looked away when I realized that he could have thought that I was talking about something else.
“Hindi si ano tinutukoy ko,” pahabol ko. I saw him gulp. “I don’t care about her anymore.”
Natahimik kaming dalawa. The growing silence made me frustrated. Hindi naman ’yon ang ibig kong sabihin e!
Kasalanan naman niya kasi na ayaw na lang niyang ipakita sa ’kin ’yung tinatago niya. I couldn’t help but be curious most especially now that I caught him hiding it from me.
Nasapo ko na lang ang noo. I don’t know about him, pero para sa ’kin, hindi naman kami magkaaway. Mamaya ko na lang siguro ibi-bring up ulit ’yung topic, kapag nakapagpahinga na kaming dalawa. Hopefully, hindi na kami awkward. Baka mamaya, makaamoy pa si Tatay na may mali sa ’ming dalawa, edi patay kami parehas.
I paused on folding his clothes when he reached behind him and placed a black, velvet box on top of his remaining clothes in his luggage. I looked at him questioningly as he sighed. He chewed on his lower lip as his eyes kept on looking everywhere but me.
“What’s that?” I asked. He scratched the back of his neck. Sa saglit na nagtama ang mata namin ay umiwas siya agad. Kumunot ang noo ko roon.
“Tingnan mo na lang,” mababa niyang sagot. Pinatas ko muna ang damit niya sa cabinet bago maingat na damputin ang kahon.
I carefully opened the box. My mind seemed to have stopped working the second I saw the silver ring inside. I kept on blinking, shutting my eyes tight and opening it again, to make sure that I was seeing it correctly.
I shifted my gaze to Ryo, who seemed to have been waiting for my reaction the moment I picked up the box.
“What’s this?” My voice sounded too faint.
Ramdam ko ata sa utak ko ang tibok ng dibdib. I know it looked like a jewelry box, but I was expecting a bracelet or a pair of earrings… not a ring.
He chuckled lightly. “Singsing?”
“What for?”
He opened his mouth to speak but ended up not saying anything. Nagkibit-balikat lamang siya. I think my fingers were quite shaking when I closed the box and put it back in front of him.
“Hindi ko alam kung para saan. Itanong mo na lang kung para kanino.”
I met his stare. He was charming with his lopsided smile. Hindi ko naman tinatanong pero sinabi niya pa rin, “Sa ’yo. Sino pa bang bibigyan ko ng singsing?”
I think I let out a little gasp after hearing that. He chuckled, picking up the box and putting it behind him… which, frankly, wasn’t what I was expecting him to do. Medyo natauhan ako roon bigla. Honestly, I thought he would pull it out of the box and… I don’t know, let me have it?
Napakurap-kurap lang ako sa kaniya dahil ako’y naguguluhan pa rin. My birthday’s in two months. Pa-birthday niya ba dapat ’yon? I thought he would finally ask for my hand in marriage since he was the one who kept on talking about living together and being a… house-husband.
Umangat ang isang kilay niya sa akin, nagtataka siguro sa tingin ko sa kaniya. “Ano?”
“I thought…” Hindi ko iyon maituloy.
“Akala mo kung ano? Wala naman akong itatago sa ’yo na ikakagalit—”
“Not that,” I shook my head, “Akala ko magpo-propose ka.”
Namilog ang singkitin niyang mata. My throat ran dry after saying that. Was that too forward? E ’yon naman talaga ang akala ko. I ignored the thin veil of shame that came after saying that out loud. I couldn’t take back my words, anyway.
Hindi siya nakapagsalita. I sighed and just focused on his clothes. I could feel his eyes in me but I ignored him. Of course, what first came into my mind when I saw that ring was marriage. Why would he give me a ring, anyway? As friends? That sounded ridiculous even in my head.
I found myself frowning. ’Yan kasi, I got my hopes up. Now I couldn’t stop thinking about how that ring would look like on my finger, or when he would give it to me.
“Frankie,” masuyo niyang tawag.
Hindi ko siya nilingon. Pagkatapos niya akong paasahin, maglalambing-lambing siya ngayon? Hindi nga siguro acceptable ang basis ng tampo ko pero hindi ko naman mapigilan. He shouldn’t have shown me that ring. O hindi ko na lang dapat tiningnan! Bakit pa kasi nagpumilit din ako?
“Galit ka?”
Pumaling ako sa kaniya at umiling. I couldn’t help but pout when I saw him gently smiling, as if he knows how frustrated I am right now. E kung alam niya, edi sinasadya niya talagang inisin lang ako?
He laughed. “Gusto mo bang magpakasal tayo?”
I rolled my eyes at his ridiculous question. “Kailangan pa ba ’yang itanong?”
“Ang daya mo naman e, yes or no lang ang sagot.”
Nilingon ko siya at mariing tiningnan. Both his brows rose at that. “Siyempre,” sagot ko, halos bulong, bago umiwas ng tingin.
“Siyempre ano?” he chuckled, “Siyempre oo? O siyempre hindi?”
“Siyempre oo!” My cheeks heated in an instant. Umawang ang bibig niya sa gulat. I hissed and stood up. Lumipat ako ng puwesto at umupo na lang sa kama dahil tapos na naman kami sa gamit niya.
Sinalpak niya ang isang layer ng cabinet bago umupo sa tabihan ko. Nangangapa ang tingin niya sa ’kin. I made a face which made him chuckle.
“Kailan tayo ikakasal? Saan tayo titira?” he asked as I lay down on the bed.
Amoy ko pa ang fabcon sa bagong lagay na bedsheet at punda. It seemed like Nanay cleaned up this room before even cleaning up mine, which was a good thing, because that meant she was willing to let Ryo stay here.
“Kahit kailan,” I answered. I don’t need a grand wedding, lalo na kung sina Tita lang din ang gagastos. Siguradong tututol si Tatay kung hindi ako ikakasal sa simbahan, pero para sa akin, ayos na kahit na sa hukom lang ang kasal. Hindi ako mapili. What’s important is that I’m going to marry Ryo. Kahit saan o kahit kailan, wala akong pakialam, basta sa kaniya ako ikakasal.
“’Yong sinabi sa ’kin ni Cali na apartment, wala pa atang umuupa,” I added. “I’m sure okay lang sa kaniyang sa tiyahin niya umuwi, or you know, kay Nate.”
Hindi kami kakasya sa kama kaya itinuon niya lang ang isang palad sa kutson bago bahagyang pumaling sa ’kin. There’s this weird smile in his face.
“Hm, okay,” he said, nodding. Napunta ang kamay niya sa aking bewang.
I chuckled when he looked back at the doorway as if to check if someone was there. Binalik niya ang tingin sa ’kin at sinabayan ang tawa ko.
“Daming plano, a? Tayo na ba ulit?”
That made me stop from laughing. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. He raised both his brows and grinned. I rolled my eyes. Ngayon niya talaga itatanong? Right now when we’re talking about marriage?
“Bakit ka nagsusungit?” Napapaling palayo ang mukha ko nang pisilin niya bigla ang aking ilong.
“Kung kailan kasal na ang pinag-uusapan natin, saka mo lang ako tatanungin. Ang dami-daming time before, hindi mo man lang nababanggit.”
He clicked his tongue and pouted. “E sino ba sa ’tin ang hindi pa umaamin na may feelings pa?” Kumibot ang labi niya, halatang nagpipigil ng ngisi, “Ikaw, ’di ba? Hindi mo pa nga ako sinasabihan ng ’I love you, too.’”
I pinched his arm. The soft morning light passing through the thin floral curtains made him look brighter. Mukhang antok na antok na siya pero magaan ang ngiti. He looked so happy… I think it’s my favorite view in the world. I love seeing Ryo happy.
I lifted myself up from the bed. Mahina siyang napahalakhak nang yakapin ko siya sa bewang. I glanced at Raiko who was just silently blinking at the bears hanging from his new crib. Binalik ko ang tingin kay Ryo na nakaabang ata sa sasabihin ko.
I glanced at the doorway. I could hear Tatay’s voice downstairs, so it’s safe.
His cheeks were cold against my palm. Mabilis kong dinampian ng halik ang tungki ng ilong niya na nagpapikit sa kaniya.
“I love you, Ryo,” I whispered.
His eyes slowly flluttered open. Nagpakawala siya ng malalim na hininga bago ako kabigin palapit sa balikat niya. Malamig ang umagang hangin. I hugged him tighter and rested my head near his neck for heat.
“Let’s—” get married “—have breakfast?”
He nodded. “Okay.”
***
Pagkagising ko, wala si Ryo sa tinutuluyan niyang kuwarto. Nagmamadali tuloy akong naligo sa takot na baka kung ano na ang ginagawa ni Tatay sa kaniya sa baba.
Thankfully, may kung ano sa lumang crib na gawa ni Tatay at hindi madalas magligalig si Raiko, kaya napadali ang kilos ko. After cleaning up my room and dressing Raiko up, bumaba na ako.
Katahimikan ang sumalubong sa ’kin pagkababa ko. Walang laman ang salas at kusina. Dumiretso ako sa labas dahil wala namang ibang pupuntahan si Tatay kundi ang lungga niya.
Hindi sumabay si Tatay sa ’min sa agahan kanina, kaya walang bugahan ng apoy na nangyari sa hapag. Nagtanong lang si Nanay tungkol kay Raiko, pero hindi niya naman tinanong si Ryo ng kung ano. I have this feeling that they talked while I was asleep.
Natanaw ko si Ryo na nakayuko at may pinapatas na mga kahoy. His face and arms were covered in thin sheen of sweat. Nakaipit ulit ang buhok niya at hindi ko sigurado kung nakatulog ba siya o ano. Base sa hitsura niya, mukhang kanina pa siya rito. I only slept for six hours. Sabay lang naman kaming umakyat kanina. Anong oras siya gumising at hinila ni Tatay rito?
Paglapit ko, nakita ko si Tatay sa isang sulok, ’yong tasa na gamit niya kaninang madaling araw ay nasa tabi pa niya. May kinukuntinting siya sa lata na mga pako ata.
Kay Ryo ako lumapit. I looked for Louie but he was nowhere to be found. Ibig sabihin, silang dalawa lang ang nandito? I’m surprised that Ryo’s still breathing.
Umangat ang tingin niya sa akin. Pinagpag niya ang kamay at pinunasan ang noo gamit ang neckline ng t-shirt bago lumapit. Sumilip pa siya sa direksiyon ni Tatay bago humakbang.
“Kumusta ang tulog mo? Mag-lunch ka na,” aniya. Bumaba ang tingin niya kay Raiko at magaan niyang tinapik ang ilong nito gamit ang hintuturo
“Kanina ka pa gising? May ginawa si Tatay sa ’yo?” I asked worriedly. Mukha namang kumpleto pa ang mga daliri niya.
He shook his head. “Pinagtatali lang ako ng kahoy. Kumain ka muna sa loob.”
I was about to speak when I heard Tatay clear his throat. Nakahihiwa ang tingin niya sa ’min ni Ryo kaya napaatras tuloy ako ng ilang hakbang para lumayo-layo kahit papaano. I heard Ryo sigh before walking back to the pile of wood blocks.
“Ilapit mo nga ’yang apo ko sa ’kin, ’Kang,” utos ni Tatay.
Sumulyap ako saglit kay Ryo na nanonood sa ’min. Umayos sa pagkakaupo si Tatay at pinunas sa shorts ang kamay niya.
“Mag-iisang buwan pa lang ’to, ano?” tanong niya. Maingat niyang kinuha mula sa ’kin si Raiko. Tumango lang ako.
Hindi na siya umimik ulit. I remained standing there, waiting for a question or his next instruction. Hindi naman na mukhang galit si Tatay. Tama nga akong hindi niya ibubunton sa bata ang inis niya kay Ryo.
Maya-maya lang ay may narinig akong makina ng tricycle. I saw Louie carrying a huge eco bag. Sumunod sa pagbaba niya si Nanay. Galing ata silang palengke.
“Andiyan na pala ang Nanay mo, pumasok muna kayo ulit sa loob. Mainit dito, pagpapawisan ang bata.”
Ganoon nga ang ginawa ko. Naghintay pa ako ng sermon galing kay Tatay pero wala talagang dumating. Lumapit ako kay Ryo saglit bago pumasok sa loob ng bahay.
“Nakatulog ka ba?” I asked, concerned. I know how he looks when he’s tired. Baka mamaya, bigla na lang siyang bumagsak diyan sa isang tabi dahil sa pagod. Miski ako, hindi pa ata nakakabawi ang katawan sa pagod ng biyahe.
He nodded. “Mga… dalawang oras siguro?”
My eyes widened at that. He needs to sleep more! “Bakit? Mainit ba sa kuwarto mo?”
He shook his head. He smiled but I know he’s just putting that up so I would stop worrying. It’s not effective. “Nagising ako… pinapanood ako ng tatay mo e,” bulong niya. Sumulyap siya kay Tatay, “Pinababa ako. Tulungan ko raw siya. Mamaya na lang ako babawi ng tulog.”
I was about to argue when he cut me off, “Pumasok na kayo. Kaya ko pa naman.”
I frowned. “Umakyat ka na rin. Baka magkasakit ka. Ang pawis mo na.”
He chuckled. “Opo, mamaya…”
Dahil mukhang wala naman talaga siyang balak sumunod, nauna na ako dahil baka nga pagpawisan si Raiko. Naabutan ko si Nanay sa kusina na nag-aayos ng pinamalengkehan. I pulled a chair with my feet before sitting down. Napalingon sa ’kin si Nanay dahil do’n.
A little while later, she sat beside me, holding a knife and the chopping board. I waited silently for her questions. Hindi kagaya ni Tatay, tahimik lang si Nanay at diretsa. Tatay’s aggressive when mad, while Nanay is just plain cold.
“Bakit hindi ka nagsabi sa ’ming buntis ka?” Ni hindi niya ako tiningnan.
“Ayaw ko pong umuwi e,” sagot ko. Napatigil siya sa paggagayat. Nang pumaling sa ’kin ang tingin niya ay tumindig ata lahat ng balahibo ko sa kaba. I know my answer sounded dumb, but it’s not like they would understand.
“E paano ka tumagal niyan? At akala ko ba’y naghiwalay na kayo niyang si Ryo?” Nilapag na niya ang kutsilyo sa mesa at bahagyang pumihit paharap sa ’kin.
“Sa kanila po ako tumira.” Saglit akong nag-isip kung ano ang isasagot ko sa pangalawa niyang tanong. Kanina lang? Nahihirapan akong humanap ng salita para ipaliwanag kung ano talaga ang nangyari. I don’t think it’s important for them to know how we got back together. Ang mahalaga, kami na ulit.
“Sa ospital ka nanganak? Sino’ng gumastos? Sila?”
Tumango ako. Nagtagal ang tingin niya sa ’kin bago umiling at umiwas. My shoulders slumped at that.
“Ang pinakamahirap bayaran na utang ay utang na loob, Ceskang… Tandaan mo ’yan.”
I know what she’s trying to imply. I wanted to argue that Ryo’s family never asked me to give back nor pay for anything, nor they made me feel like I owe them something. Hindi ko alam kung paano ipaiintindi sa kanila na hindi naman masasamang tao ang pamilya ni Ryo. If anything, they were kind and generous. They could have easily refused to shelter me in their home, dahil break na naman kami talaga ni Ryo, pero hindi nila ’yon ginawa. While I was staying at their place, they could have treated me badly but they didn’t.
Hindi na lang ako nagsalita. At least Nanay’s tamed compared to my father. She’s more composed and I wouldn’t have to worry about her once Ryo’s parents arrive here. Mas nakakatakot nga lang si Nanay magsalita. Bihira naman siyang magbitiw ng opinyon niya pero ’pag ginagawa niya, nakakadurog.
“Pupunta po sila Tita mamaya… Uh… mamamanhikan po,” mahina kong sinabi ang huling parte. Nanay looked at me with her mouth agape. Humugot siya ng malalim na hininga.
“Mamamanhikan? Ikakasal ka? Siguraduhin mo munang hindi ka na hihiwalayan niyang lalaking ’yan, Ceskang. Hindi biro ang kasal.”
Ako naman ang nakipaghiwalay. Pero para na lang walang gulo at mahabang paliwanagan, tumango ako. “Opo.”
“Nagtatanong pa naman ang Tatay mo kagabi kung paano ang binyag niyang bata. Kailangan nga ata ng marriage certificate do’n… E kailan ka ba ikakasal?”
Hindi ako makasagot. Bumaba ang tingin niya sa kamay kong may hawak sa bata, probably searching for a ring. Makahulugan ang tingin niya sa ’kin nang tagpuin ulit ang mata ko.
“Wala akong nakikitang singsing,” malamig niyang sabi.
“Hindi pa naman po kami agad-agad ikakasal,” katuwiran ko. Bumalik ang frustration ko sa singsing na kinalimutan ko na nga bago ako matulog.
Tumango lang si Nanay roon. “Doon ka muna kina Louie mamaya. Ayaw ng Tatay mo na nandito ka ’pag nandito ’yung magulang ni Ryo.”
“Po?”
Nagkibit-balikat si Nanay, “’Yon ang sabi ng Tatay mo, e. Nandito naman ako kaya hindi ’yon makakakilos ng basta-basta, kung ’yon ang pinag-aalala mo.”
Kaya bandang alas-sais, papunta na ako kina Louie. Nilalakad lang naman dahil halos kapitbahay lang namin, pero nagpahatid ako kay Ryo para makapag-usap din kami.
“Wala si Raianne. May kasama silang driver, mayro’n na rin silang tutulugan,” aniya habang naglalakad kami.
“Kinkabahan ka?” I asked. Mukha kasi siyang hindi mapakali. Ilang ulit siyang tumango.
Mas kinakabahan ako. Kinakabahan ako sa kung paano aakto si Tatay mamaya sa harapan nila. Nakakahiya kina Tita kung sakaling hindi maayos ang pakikitungong matatanggap nila.
“Susunduin mo ’ko?” tanong ko nang makarating na kina Louie.
Ang nanay ni Louie ay kay Raiko agad napunta ang atensyon. She asked if she could hold him and I let her. Pumaling agad ako kay Ryo na pinanonood si Raiko na ipinasok sa loob ng bahay.
“Oo,” he answered after a few seconds. I enveloped him in a hug. Mahigpit ang binalik niyang yakap sa akin.
“Sige na, alis na ako… Susunduin ko na sina Mommy,” he said, kissing the top of my head before leaving.
And so the waiting game began. Louie’s mother kept me busy by asking me a ton of questions about Ryo, pero lumilipad pa rin ang isip ko sa kung ano’ng nangyayari sa bahay. Ayos na kaya sila? Nag-aalburoto pa rin ba si Tatay? Baka mamaya, may away na roon!
I forgot my phone in my room so I had no way to contact Ryo. Atat kong pinanood ang paglipas ng oras. Raiko’s awake, kaya maya’t maya rin ang pag-breastfeed ko. I watched as he brought his tiny hands near his face.
Nagmamadali akong lumabas ng bahay nang marinig ko ang boses ni Ryo na tumatawag sa ’kin. I stopped on my tracks and turned back around to thank Louie’s mother, before rushing back outside. Parang may dumagan sa dibdib ko nang makita ng mukha ni Ryo. It’s obvious that his smile was forced and that things didn’t go well at home.
“Ano’ng nangyari?” I asked worriedly. “Asan sina Tita?”
“Nasa inn na ata. Puntahan natin? Miss na nila si Raiko.”
He didn’t answer my first question which made me worry more. I reserved my questions for later dahil mukha ring malalim ang iniisip niya. Sumakay kami ng tricycle papunta sa tinitigilan nina Tita. I was sure that the inn was too cheap for his mother… pero wala silang choice.
We were only allowed to stay in their room for two hours. Si Tito ang nagbukas ng pinto nang kumatok si Ryo. Una kong napansin si Tita na agad na tumalikod nang makitang papasok ako. Bumagsak ang balikat ko nang marinig ko siyang mahinang umiiyak.
Tito smiled at me, probably noticing how I looked at Tita, “Hayaan mo, Frankie. Tumatanda lang ’yan kaya nagiging madrama,” bulong niya sa ’kin.
“I heard you!” garalgal na sabi ni Tita na umupo na sa pinakasulok ng kama, nakatalikod pa rin sa ’min. Tito Finn chuckled.
Tinapik niya si Ryo sa balikat. “Ipaghanda mo nga muna ang Mommy mo ng kakainin. Favorite ka naman niyan e, baka tumahan ’pag ikaw ang naghain.”
Nilingon niya ako, “Upo ka muna, Frankie.”
Katulad ni Ryo, nanatili ang ngiti sa ’kin ni Tito. Hindi ko nga lang siya gaanong kamemoryado, hindi katulad ng anak niya, kaya hindi ko alam kung tunay ba ang ngiti niya o ano. I’m sure he’s tired, too. Sa pagkakaalam ko’y pagkarating nila rito ay sa amin sila dumiretso. And now, Tita’s crying… Kung ano-anong masamang eksena na ang pumapasok tuloy sa isip ko.
Nilingon ko si Ryo na inaayos iyong mga take-outs sa mesa. He looked like he would collapse any moment now. Bumalik ang tingin ko kay Tito na umupo sa gilid ng kama at agad na umalo kay Tita.
“Bakit ayaw nila sa ’tin?” humihikbing tanong ni Tita.
Napaawang ang bibig ko roon. Ano ba’ng nangyari sa bahay?
Chapter 22: Birthday
hhfm22 chapter 22: Birthday
“Ceskang, ikaw ba talaga ay galit sa ’kin?”
I paused on placing Raiko’s hand covers upong hearing Tatay’s question. I didn’t look his way nor answered. I made sure there was a space in between us when I sat back down on the bed. I wanted him to feel that I was seriously disappointed with how he acted when Ryo’s parents went here.
Ryo refused to tell me at first, of course. He wanted to keep Tatay’s name clean. His parents didn’t say anything either. Tito was obviously trying to avoid the topic. Tita just checked on Raiko and stayed silent, too.
I had to fake my anger towards Ryo for him to tell me what happened. It turned out that Tatay didn’t show himself to his parents. Nanay didn’t kick them out, but I know that my mother was never a warm nor welcoming person. I could feel the tension just by imagining them awkwardly staring at each other in the living room.
Mainit pa ang ulo ko noon at sigurado akong wala rin sa tamang mood si Tatay kaya hindi ko na lang inungkat. We ate dinner silently and went to our rooms without speaking a word about their failed first-time meeting.
Pero ngayon, at hindi naman puwedeng hindi ko iyon ungkatin, pinaramdam ko na talaga kay Tatay na may mali. Ryo kept on convincing me that it was fine, that he expected something worse than the cold treatment, but clearly, it wasn’t. Hindi ko muna pinapunta sina Tita rito sa amin hangga’t hindi kami nakakapag-usap ni Tatay.
Earlier, I didn’t join them for breakfast. Ryo almost crawled back upstairs so he could skip being alone at the dining area with my parents. Nakailang tawag sa ’kin si Tatay pero hindi ako bumaba. I wanted him to feel what it’s like to be ignored.
Kaya kahit na may kinabit siyang duyan para kay Raiko rito sa kuwarto, hindi ko siya kinikibo. He kept on asking me questions about work and Cali, but my answers were limited to a shrug or a nod. Obvious naman na siguro na naiinis ako sa kaniya at tingin ko’y naramdaman na niya ’yon kaya nagtanong na siya.
Komportableng natutulog si Raiko sa duyan. Ryo’s downstairs, helping Lui with the woodwork. So far, parang hindi pa naman inaabuso ni Tatay si Ryo. Maybe it’s because of the rush orders he was working on, wala siyang time na gawing alila at pag-trip-an si Ryo na obviously, wala namang masyadong alam sa pinaggagagawa niya.
“Galit ka? Bakit ka galit? Nagsumbong ba si Ryo sa ’yo?”
My frown deepened. I shook my head in disbelief as I looked at him with disappointment. ’Nagsumbong’ talaga ang term na ginamit niya? At kung nagsumbong naman talaga sa ’kin si Ryo, dapat lang. What he did was extremely rude and Ryo’s parents didn’t deserve any of that.
Nagbuntonghininga siya sa tabihan ko. I get that he might still be a tad bit mad at finding out late about my pregnancy, pero parang hindi naman tama iyong pagtrato niya kina Tita. Ipinakikita ko rin naman sa kaniya na okay kami ni Ryo, and Ryo’s obviously trying his best to get his approval. No amount of his anger would put Raiko back in my womb, anyway. If he couldn’t accept Ryo, yet, at least he should have decency to respect his family, na wala namang ginawang masama sa ’kin kahit kailan.
“Alam mo, kapag tumanda na ’yang anak mo, saka mo lang ako maiintindihan,” aniya. He reached for his mug of already-cold coffee on the table.
“Kita mong hindi nga kita pinadadapuan sa lamok noong bata ka pa…” Pumalatak siya. I sighed.
Napalingon ako sa pintuan nang may sumilip doon. There were wet blobs on his shirt, probably because of sweat. Nakita kong nakangiti siyang sumilip sa bukas na pinto pero agad na sumeryoso ang mukha nang mapansing hindi ako nag-iisa sa kuwarto. Napaayos siya ng tindig at mukhang hindi alam ang gagawin—kung aalis ba siya o papasok.
I nodded at him, urging him to step foot inside my room even with my father just beside me. Umiling siya agad.
“…tapos magpapadapo ka lang sa… angaw na ’yan.”
“’Tay,” saway ko. Nilingon ko si Ryo na awkward na um-exit at naglakad padiretso, siguro’y pupunta sa kuwartong tinutulugan niya.
Suminghal si Tatay pagkaalis ni Ryo. My shoulders slumped and I let him see how sad he was making me feel. Naihilamos niya ang palad sa mukha bago ilapag ulit ang tasa sa mesa.
“E akala ko ba kasi ay naghiwalay na kayo niyan? Bakit biglang may anak? Paano kung iwan ka ulit niyan nang may anak na kayo? Edi kawawa kayo niyang apo ko?”
“Nagkabalikan nga po kami.” Heat shot up to my cheeks. It felt weird to say that out loud. “At hindi pa naman po kami iniiwan ulit.”
“Kaya hihintayin mo munang iwanan kayo ulit? Ganoon ba ’yon?”
Napatahimik ako roon. Umiling siya sa akin na parang ipinagmamalaki na tama ang punto niya. It has always been tough to change my father’s mind. Lagi siyang sigurado sa mga desisyon niya, at kadalasan imposible na talagang mabago.
When I went away for college, hindi pa rin buo ang suporta niya sa desisyon kong ’yon. I only managed to change his mind when I entered second year, noong napatunayan ko nang kaya kong mag-isa.
But how could Ryo prove that he’s worthy of his trust if he wouldn’t give him the chance to do so? Bilang boyfriend nga, hindi na makuha ni Ryo ang loob niya, paano pa kaya ngayon?
“E ano po ba’ng gusto niyong mangyari, ’Tay? Hiwalayan ko ulit ’yung tao? Saka bakit naman po hindi niyo sinipot sina Tita?”
Siya naman ang natahimik doon. Kahit naman sabihin niyang hiwalayan ko, hindi ko gagawin.
“Hindi naman sa ganoon—”
“E ano nga po, ’Tay? Ano po ba’ng gusto ninyong gawin ni Ryo?”
Malalim ang buntonghininga niya. “Alam mo namang nag-aalala lang kami sa inyo niyang apo ko.”
“Hindi po ako iiwan ni Ryo, ako po ang unang aalis kung may gawin siyang kung ano,” sabi ko. I know it’s quite different from the break-up that happened, since we didn’t have Raiko yet during that, but I wouldn’t stay in a ruined marriage, nor would I let my child go under the stress of seeing our family staying together while rotting.
Mabigat ulit ang buntonghininga ni Tatay. I felt like he’s aware that he wouldn’t have a choice but give Ryo his blessing, pero ayaw niya lang bumigay agad.
“Saka ano po ba’ng plano ninyo? Ang magtampo sa ’kin hanggang sa kasal ko?”
Kung humihigop siguro siya ng kape, baka naibuga na niya. He stared at me wide-eyed as if he could not believe what I said. Ryo and I are adults. Raiko’s right here in front of him. But he just would not stop treating me like a child and always doubting my decisions.
“Kasal? Agad-agad?”
I guess Nanay hasn’t told him, or maybe my mother didn’t have any plans to do so. Hindi ugali ni Nanay na mangialam sa pagtatalo namin ni Tatay.
“Hindi naman po agad-agad,” umiiling kong sabi.
Ryo and I haven’t talked about it, yet. More importantly, I didn’t want to initiate the wedding talk. Sapat na iyong inakala kong magpo-propose siya dahil doon sa singsing sa bagahe niya. Saka baka naman sabihin ni Ryo, nagmamadali ako.
Napahilot sa sentido si Tatay. He looked like he was having a headache just by thinking of me getting married. For the rest of the morning, I had to fill him in with the details of my pregnancy and lecture him on his manners.
He caught Ryo outside my room after. He handed him his used mug and asked him to refill it with coffee.
I guess that’s a good sign. Tatay never lets anyone make his coffee except for me and Nanay.
* * *
Hawak ni Ryo ang cellphone ko na nakatapat kay Raiko na nasa duyan. Malakas ang tawa niya kay Raianne na naka-video call. Raianne badly wanted to head here but her schedule just wouldn’t permit.
Malapit na mag-one month si Raiko, which meant that Tita and Tito would be visiting here again soon. Ryo informed me that they found a better place to stay at. By better, he meant something that would satisfy Tita’s standards.
Bukod sa dalawang event na ’yon, malapit na rin ang birthday ni Ryo. And I still haven’t thought of what to give him for his birthday. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano ako bibili nang hindi niya nalalaman. If I would leave Raiko here with them, he would get curious and would have an idea that I was preparing his present.
He returned my phone to me after the call. His eyebags look a little bit darker than usual. Maaga kasi siyang gumigising—mas nauuna pa nga sa ’kin kadalasan. Hindi ko alam kung nagpapa-good shot ba siya kay Tatay o hindi siya komportableng matulog sa kuwarto ni Lolo. But at least he didn’t look stressed.
Nagpunta sila ni Nanay kanina sa palengke. That’s another good thing because at least Nanay’s starting to warm herself up to him. Magkakaalaman na lang talaga kapag nagkaharap-harap na ulit sina Tatay at Tita.
After putting my phone on the table, he gently tugged on both of my arms. Ipinulupot niya ang braso ko sa katawan niya, sapilitan pa ata. I chuckled when I saw him frowning when I tried to resist hugging him.
“Hindi pa naman ako pawis. Bili na… habang wala tatay mo.” Hinihigpitan niya ang pagkakakapit ko sa kaniya.
My chuckles grew louder at that, but I forcefully shut my mouth because Tatay might hear us from downstairs. I gave him the hug he wanted.
“Ano’ng gusto mo sa birthday mo?” I asked, one cheek laid flat on his chest. I could feel his stable heartbeats.
Ramdam ko rin ang paghugong niya. “Wala akong maisip e.”
“Puwede ba ’yun?” Tiningala ko siya. His gaze was on the ceiling, probably thinking. Inalis ko saglit ang isang braso kong nakapulupot sa baywang niya at kinapa ang papatubong facial hair sa kaniyang babà. It felt rough against my fingertips.
Hinagip niya ang kamay kong iyon at hinalikan bago ipulupot sa dati nitong puwesto sa baywang niya. “Wala talaga akong maisip.”
“E, ano’ng ibibigay ko sa ’yo niyan?” I asked.
Honestly, ever since, it was difficult to think of gifts for him. His family had the money. Kaya kahit anong ipon ko, mahirap humanap ng bibilhin ko para sa kaniya na hindi niya kayang bilhin o wala pa siya.
We usually go on dates during our birthdays. Kapag may nakita siyang something matchy na nagustuhan niya, iyon ang ipinabibili niya.
He chuckled. “Next year mo na lang ako regaluhan.”
“Photo album, ayaw mo? Masisira na naman ata ang wallet mo ’pag dumami ang pictures.”
Lalong lumakas ang tawa niya roon. I wouldn’t be surprised if Tatay would suddenly barge in here.
“Oo nga, ’no? Family pictures, pictures natin, tapos ngayon may pictures pa ni Raiko…” sang-ayon niya.
“Photo album nga? ’Yun lang?” Napakasimple naman ng gusto niya. And it wouldn’t be a surprise anymore since alam na niya.
“May birthday pa naman ako next year,” katuwiran niya. Tumango na lang ako. Though, I was thinking of getting him something else.
Maybe… a ring?
I was not sure if I could get him something expensive, but it’s the thought that counts so… Saka, baka sa birthday ko, doblehin niya iyong presyo ng regalong ibibigay niya sa akin. He didn’t want me spending too much on gifts, at ganoon din ako sa kaniya.
“Ano’ng iniisip mo?”
I blinked my thoughts away. Nanliliit ang mata niya sa akin. I shook my head at him and smiled before tiptoeing to kiss him on the cheek.
* * *
Dahil si Raiko ang bagong bata sa amin, dinagsa ang bahay nang pumatak ang unang buwan niya. Maaga pa lang, may mga tao na agad sa bakuran. A few of them, I recognized. Hindi ko alam kung tsismosa lang ba ang mga tao sa ’min o sadyang mahilig sa baby. I had to entertain questions, but thankfully nothing too personal nor offensive. I expected it since I rarely go home.
Sabi ni Ryo, pupunta raw si Raianne sa isang araw. I called Cali last night and told her to come with Raianne. Pagkatapos akong sermonan sa kung bakit hindi ko siya sinabihan agad na umuwi na ako, pumayag din naman siya. In my defense, she never really asked. And I didn’t know how to tell her because I couldn’t interrupt her every time she vents about work and her ’work tea.’ I didn’t ask about Nate anymore because I knew she would bring him with her even without me telling her to do so.
Na-brief ko na rin si Tatay na pupunta ang parents ni Ryo rito. He didn’t have any violent reactions so I really hope that things would go well this time.
“Ito, dalhin mo ro’n sa kabila… Pagkalagpas mo sa dilaw na gate, kaliwa ka. ’Yong may tricycle na pula, doon mo dadalhin,” utos ni Tatay kay Ryo na attentive na attentive. I smiled a little as Ryo nodded like a child, picking up the plate of cake and pansit with him before sprinting away.
Ginawa atang delivery guy ni Tatay si Ryo. I never heard Ryo complain, though. Pawisan na naman siya at nakatali ang buhok. Minsan, nahaharang ng ilang matatanda at tinatanong.
Thankfully, he’s a charmer. Sumasagot naman siya nang ayos bago nagmamadali ulit na tatakbo sa kung saan man iyong inutos ni Tatay.
“Mayro’n pa po?” tanong ni Ryo kay Tatay, na katabi ko lang, pagkabalik. Nilingon siya ni Tatay na nagpapalaman ng pansit sa tinapay.
“Nagrereklamo ka ba?”
“Nagtatanong lang po.”
Hindi galit si Tatay at alam ko iyon. Ganiyan lang talaga siya magsalita kaya hindi ako kinabahan. Umiling si Tatay sa kaniya bago tumayo habang bitbit ang plato niya.
“Wala na. Umupo ka na riyan at tatawagin na lang kita ’pag may kailangan.”
“Okay po,” tumatangong sagot ni Ryo. When Tatay left, Ryo slumped on the spot beside me almost immediately. Humagip agad siya ng baso at kumuha ng tubig.
“Pagod?”
He nodded. “Kumain ka na?”
“Yup, kanina pa. Kumain ka na rin.”
Malakas siyang kumain. I remained sitting next to him while receiving a few gifts for Raiko. One month pa lang naman ang bata pero parang isang taon na ang sine-celebrate sa bahay. The people around here were either fond of kids… or of free food.
Tita was wearing a simple, plain cream dress. Nakakapanibagong makita siyang walang suot ni isang alahas bukod sa wedding ring niya. Dumating sila nang kakaunti na ang tao sa bahay. Si Tatay, nakakuha ata ng excuse na mag-inom kasama ang mga kumpare niyang natira sa labas.
May dala silang cake. Tita sat across me while Ryo’s opening the cake box. Maya-maya lang ay pumasok na si Nanay, sinusundan ni Lui na may dalang malaking garbage bag. Tito Finn settled beside Tita. I noted that Nanay invited them to eat and asked Ryo to get them some plates.
Nang dumating si Tatay, natahimik silang lahat. Tito Finn stood up and greeted him first. Tatay glanced at me before scratching his temples and accepting Tito Finn’s handshake.
“O, e ’wag na nating pahabain ang usapan. Magpapakasal daw iyang dalawa. Wala naman akong magagawa sa gusto ni Ceskang. Kayo ang tatanongin ko kung may problema kayo sa anak ko.”
“Wala!” agad ang sagot ni Tito roon. Pero, halata sa mukha niya ang gulat. Nilingon niya si Ryo na nasa kalagitnaan ng pagsubo ng cake.
“Kasal?” Tita asked, confused.
Napalunok ako. This one’s on me. Maybe I shouldn’t have worded it to Tatay that way. Si Ryo nga rin ay mukhang naguguluhan.
“Oo, sabi ni Ceskang… Tumututol ba kayo?” si Nanay iyon. Makahulugan ang tingin niya sa akin at kinabahan na ako. Things were getting better and I didn’t want a misunderstanding to ruin of all of our progress.
I was about to clear things up when Ryo spoke, “Opo, ’My. Ikakasal kami.” He glanced at me. I quickly looked away.
Tita gasped at that. I was so thankful that Cali and Raianne were not here. Lalo na si Cali, eksahedera pa namang mag-react ’yon. I would tell her about this pero siguro kapag kaming dalawa na lang.
“E bakit ganiyan ang reaksiyon niyo? Hindi ba nagsasabi itong anak niyo sa inyo?” tanong ni Tatay, alerto na agad sakali mang magkamali sila ng sagot.
“Nagsabi, nawala lang sa isip ko,” sagot ni Tito na uminom agad ng softdrinks pagkatapos. Obviosuly, he was lying. Dalawa na sila ni Ryo na sumalo sa ’kin.
“Then… why aren’t you wearing a ring, yet?” takang tanong ni Tita. Nakatingin siya sa kamay ko at naghahanap. Gusto kong sabihin na gawa naman iyon ng anak niya, pero mas pinili ko na lang na ngumiti.
“Hindi pa naman po ngayon,” I told her, but she was already giving Ryo a look of disappointment.
“Pero malapit na,” dagdag ni Ryo na nagpakunot sa noo ko. Inalis ko agad ang pagkakasalubong ng kilay dahil baka may makapansin.
Fortunately, nothing bad happened. Napunta ang usapan nila sa ginagawa ni Tatay, at sa mga plano kay Raiko. Ryo and I told them about staying at an apartment temporarily. I wanted Tatay to apologize for how he behaved the last time Ryo’s parents went here but he never did. Siguro’y magpasalamat na lang din ako na maayos na ang trato nila sa isa’t isa. Tita’s eyes remained on my hand for the whole time.
I was exhausted when their talk ended. Nahatak pa ni Tatay si Tito sa labas para sumama mag-inom. Bago pa mahagilap ni Tatay si Ryo ay nagtulog-tulogan na si Ryo sa kuwarto niya.
Matapos tulungan si Nanay saglit sa pag-iimis ng kusina, umakyat na rin kami ni Raiko. I took a bath after nursing him. Pagkalabas ko ng banyo, nasa pintuan ng kuwarto ko si Ryo.
I was reminded of the gift I prepared for his birthday. Nasa damitan ko lang iyon. Pumasok siya at tumambay saglit sa may kuna ni Raiko bago umupo sa kama ko.
“Gusto mo na makuha gift mo?” I asked. I asked Lui to buy me a photo album and a bracelet. Hindi iyon kamahalan at galing sa sanglaan. I wanted to get him a ring but I didn’t have the chance to leave home and personally choose one, and I was unsure of his size. Pinadalhan lang ako ni Lui ng pictures ng bracelet na madali lang namang pagpilian.
“Photo album?” The excitement in his voice made me smile. Ang dali niyang pasayahin.
“Hm, oo,” I answered before crouching in front of my cabinet and pulling out the gift I wrapped last night. Tumigil ako sa tapat niya at inabot sa kaniya iyon. He parted his legs and tapped on his thigh.
“Dito ka.”
“I’m heavy,” I reminded him. I still haven’t lost most of my pregnancy weight.
“Káya kita, dito ka,” ulit niya. Sumunod ako sa gusto niya bago niya kuhanin ang regalo.
“Bakit may mas maliit na box?” tanong niya habang kinakapa iyon.
“Basta, buksan mo na lang,” I said, eager to see his reaction after tearing the wrapper. Nanliit ang singkit na niyang mata sa akin, parang nakakutob agad na hindi lang iyon photo album.
“Gumastos ka nang malaki?” tanong niya at inilapag iyon sa tabihan niya na nagpasimangot sa ’kin. I wanted to see his reaction after opening it!
“Just open my gift for you,” utos ko. He frowned.
“Ayaw ko ng regalo mo,” aniya na nagpasinghap sa akin. I didn’t think he meant that but I glared at him, still.
“Buksan mo na kasi, Ryo. Isa,” nagbabanta kong sabi.
Ngumisi lang siya roon at hindi tinablan. Na parang hindi siya mangiyak-ngiyak at halos mamilipit sa paggagalit-galitan ko noong ayaw niyang sabihin sa ’kin kung bakit umiiyak si Tita pagkagaling nila sa bahay.
“Ayaw ko na pala no’n.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Ang gusto ko, kiss.”
His face inched closer but his lips never touched mine. Sa gahiblang distansiya ng mukha namin ay napapapikit na ako.
“Puwede ba ’yon, Frankie?” Masyadong malambing ang boses niya.
Instead of whispering a yes, I closed the distance between our lips with a soft, gentle kiss. When was the last time we kissed? I couldn’t remember.
Pero memoryado ko pa rin ang kilos at galaw ng labi niya. The moment the kiss happened, I felt his lips forming a smile before kissing me back. I found myself smiling back at the thought that I still remember that small detail, which eventually turned to a chuckle that made him pull away.
Nakakunot ang noo niya ngunit nangingiti rin naman. My chuckles were put to a stop when he pulled me by the nape to continue the interrupted kiss earlier. His hand went up and got lost in my hair. Matatawa pa sana ako ulit dahil halata ko ang pagkasabik niya ngunit kinagat niya nang bahagya ang ibabang labi ko.
“Tawa ka nang tawa,” parang naiinis na niyang sabi.
“I love you,” masuyo kong sabi para mawala ang inis sa mukha niya. It was effective because there was a smile in his face before he inched closer for another kiss.
A few moments later and I found myself straddling his hips, my hands mussing his hair. May gigil ang pagkakahawak niya sa aking baywang. If it wasn’t for the sound my gift for him made when it fell on the floor, I don’t think we would stop kissing.
Sa pinto agad dumiretso ang namumungay niyang tingin. I chuckled at that. “Naka-lock ’yan,” I assured him before reaching for my gift for him and placing it back on my bed.
He pushed his hair back before pulling me closer. My brows shot up as the heat crept to my cheeks upon feeling him throguh the fabric of his shorts. One of his hands was tenderly holding my face in place… but his kisses were far from being tender.
His hands were everywhere while mine stayed on the ends of his shirt, wrinkling it every damn time I would feel him against me. A guttural groan escaped his throat when I willingly brushed myself against him. I had to bite my tongue to prevent making any sounds when he started trailing wet kisses on my neck.
Panting, he stopped. I heard him inhale as he dropped a kiss on my forehead.
“Tutulog na ako,” natatawa niyang sabi. I rolled my eyes at that. I could still feel how hard he was underneath me. Narrowing my eyes at him, I pouted. He kissed my pout away.
“’Kie, hindi pa puwede,” he whispered. I nodded and got off his lap. He picked up his gift, looking like he would really leave any moment now, but I told him to wait. Nagmamadali kong hinanap ang panali ko sa cabinet.
Kitang-kita ko kung paano tumaas ang dalawang kilay niyang habang nagtatali ako ng buhok. That familiar look on his face made me laugh a little.
I went in front of him and dropped a quick kiss on his lips before kneeling. Humalakhak siya roon at hinagip ang dalawang pisngi ko ng palad niya. Pinatakan niya ng halik ang tungki ng ilong ko. My palm reached for his crotch and his eyes immediately shut tight. Napaigtad siya nang bahagya roon.
“Frankie.” Parang nagbabanta pa ang tono niya.
“What? You think I would let you sleep like this?”
His hearty chuckles filled the room. I felt his fingers tracing my hair tie before he adjusted his position. I think I saw stars in his eyes. Clearly, he has been waiting for this. “The best ka talaga, Ceskang.”
Chapter 23: Marry
hhfm23 chapter 23: Marry
“Are you pregnant?”
Nasamid si Ryo sa iniinom na tubig at ilang ulit na umubo. Si Nate na nakaupo sa tabi niya, mabilis na kinuha ang baso ng tubig sa kaniyang tapat at inubos iyon sa isang lagok. Napatigil si Raianne sa pag-scroll sa phone niya habang kumakain at inangat ang tingin sa ’kin. This woman beside me looked at me like I was a ghost. Cali looked like all her blood dropped to her toes and wanted to get out of this house as quickly as possible.
“Ako?” maang-maangang tanong ni Cali sa ’kin.
I raised a brow. Tatatlo kaming babae rito sa lamesa. Ryo and Nate couldn’t bear kids. Obviously, I couldn’t be pregnant. Kapapanganak ko lang. I have no idea about Raianne’s love life, pero hindi naman siya iyong mukhang blooming. Hindi naman siya iyong mukhang hindi nakakain nang ilang araw sa sobrang ganang kumain. Hindi rin siya iyong may ibang aura. Si Cali.
I was not sure if it was because we have been friends for so long but I knew that there was something different. Maybe she just did her hair and make-up well today. I have no idea why but my guts sensed that she was pregnant, but I could also just be imagining things.
“Sino pa ba?” tanong ko pabalik. Tumayo saglit si Ryo at nagpunta sa lababo na ilang hakbang lang naman ang layo. Hindi pa rin siya natatapos sa kauubo niya.
Cali chuckled. Nervously. I mentally took note of that. She averted her gaze and waved her hands as if dismissing the topic.
“Hindi, a! Sabihin mo, na-miss mo lang ako. Saka bumagay ’yung gupit ko sa ’kin,” aniya bago magpatuloy sa kinakain.
I let my stare linger on her face for a moment. She’s right, though. Bumagay sa kaniya iyong apple cut. She looked younger. Pero hindi ko pa rin maiwasang magkaroon ng ibang pakiramdam. Memoryado ko na si Cali sa tagal naming tumira nang magkasama. Napapakiramdaman ko kung may nagbabago sa kaniya. Even the slightest change in her mood, I could tell.
I didn’t press on the topic further. Bumalik na si Ryo sa puwesto niya, nahimasmasan na mula sa pagkakasamid. Bago siya umupo ay kitang-kita ko ang pagpapabalik-balik ng tingin niya kay Cali at Nate. Tapos ay iiling na parang nangingilabot sa kung ano.
Earlier, when Raianne arrived here with Cali and Nate, lumukot na nang todo ang mukha niya. Up until now, wala pa ring nababanggit si Cali sa akin tungkol sa kanila ni Nate. All she told me was work related. I was convinced that her ’work chika’, which has been revolving around a certain intern going in and out of our building, has something to do with Nate. Ayaw niya pa kasi akong diretsahin. Imbes na building namin ang sabihin niya, aminin na niyang iyong opisina lang ni Nate ang tinutukoy niya.
Nate remained silent, and I didn’t fail to notice how his posture went rigid. Parang gusto na niya ngang sawayin si Ryo na pinipilit hulihin ang mata niya. Mahina kong sinipa ang binti ni Ryo mula sa ilalim ng mesa para senyasan siyang tigilan si Nate. Hindi makakain ’yung tao e.
Mukhang pagod si Raianne sa biyahe at walang idea kung ano ang pinag-uusapan namin kanina. Hindi na ako nagtanong kung bakit nila kasama si Nate, pero siyempre, si Ryo ay nang-usisa pa. Cali and Nate both ignored his interrogation, though.
“Saan kayo nag-ii-stay?” tanong ko para mawala ang awkward silence. Hindi na tinatanan ni Ryo si Nate at talagang nagpupumilit na silipin ang mukha para mahagilap ang mata.
“Diyan lang sa malapit.” Si Nate ang sumagot. I was sure that he’s sharing a room with Cali, pero sinarili ko na lang ang komentong iyon. “May masa-suggest ka bang puwedeng puntahan dito? Baka puntahan namin ni love bukas.”
I think I gasped a little at that. Ang may laman pang bibig ni Ryo ay napaawang nang bahagya at napatulala ulit siya kay Nate. Nanginginig pa ata nang kaunti ang kamay ni Cali na humagip sa baso ng tubig at nilagok iyon. Even Raianne’s brows shot up.
“Love?” natatawang tanong ni Raianne. Her eyes were wide with amusement as her gaze shifted from Cali to Nate. “I didn’t know that you two were dating! Sabi mo Ate, workmates lang kayo?”
Humagalpak na ng tawa si Ryo roon. My initial plan was to pretend that I didn’t notice Nate’s endearment for Cali. Sigurado naman akong mabilis na makakapag-isip si Cali nang paraan para ibahin ang usapan at matabunan iyon. Too bad for her, though. Naunahan siya ng clueless na si Raianne at natawanan na siya ni Ryo.
Pulang-pula na ang mukha ni Cali. Nate looked like he wanted to smack Ryo’s face to stop him from laughing. I didn’t want Cali to feel embarrassed so I tried my hardest not to laugh, kahit na nakakahawa iyong nang-aasar na tawa ni Ryo.
“Tapos ka na kumain?” pag-iiba ko sa usapan. Sira na ang lipstick ni Cali sa ibabang labi dahil binaon niya roon ang ngipin niya. She looked at me like I caught her doing something bad before nodding.
“Love?” Nang-iinis ang tono ni Ryo. Masama na ang tingin sa kaniya ni Nate pero parang hindi naman siya tinatablan. “Dinaig niyo pa kami ni Frankie e! Minsan nga lang ako tawaging babe niyan!” Sumulyap siya sa akin.
“Sige na, labas na kayo,” I told Cali, ignoring Ryo’s comments. Cali looked like she was about to cry with embarrassment and annoyance. Tumango at tumayo siya agad bago ako tulungang magligpit ng mga plato.
“Teka, kumakain pa ako e. Huwag niyo naman akong pagligpitan ng mesa,” alma ni Ryo na may laman pa nga ang plato.
“Dapat lang ’yan sa ’yo, para hindi ka na makapag-asawa,” was Cali’s snarky reply. Ryo chuckled before giving her arm a light backhand slap.
“Huy, foul ’yon,” narinig kong bulong niya. Inambahan siya ni Cali na hahampasin ng placemat at natawa lang naman si Ryo roon.
Pinalabas ko na sina Cali dahil bukod sa hindi ko naman siya hahayaang magligpit ng pinagkainan, mukha rin siyang sasabog na talaga sa pagkapikon kay Ryo. When I was finally alone with Ryo, sinabihan ko siyang huwag nang ungkatin dahil napipikon na sa kaniya si Cali.
“Si Nate lang naman ang inaasar ko e,” katuwiran niya. I rolled my eyes at that and shook my head. Habang nagpupunas ako ng mesa ay kumakain pa rin siya. Magana talaga siyang kumain. Hindi ko alam kung saan niya sinisiksik lahat ng kinakain niya.
“Tapos ka na ba?” I asked. Inubos ko ang lamang tubig ng baso niya para maligpit ko na. He frowned.
“Iwan mo na sa lababo ’yung kinainan. Ako na ang magliligpit. Saka huwag mo nga akong pag-ayusan ng mesa habang kumakain pa… ’Pag ako talaga hindi nakapag-asawa.”
I snorted at that. If he gave me the ring the moment that I found it in his luggage, then he wouldn’t have to worry about superstitions.
I shook my head and shooed those bitter thoughts away. Kinalimutan ko na nga iyong pakiramdam kong asang-asa roon e.
I let out a dramatic gasp. “Oh, no. Baka nga hindi ka makapag-asawa,” I said, just to stress him out.
Lumalim ang pagkakasimangot niya roon. I chuckled when he rolled his eyes before taking a spoonful of rice and tapa. Smiling, I poked his cheek. Umiling lang siya sa akin at nagkunwaring nagtatampo pa bago tumayo, bitbit ang plato niyang wala nang laman papunta sa lababo.
I lifted a brow at that. Siya pa ang may ganang magtampo? E ako nga iyong pinaasa niya?
“Ako na rito,” aniya pagkatapos magmumog saglit. Hinihintay ko siyang matapos sa lababo para sana magligpit. “Doon ka na kay Cali habang tulog pa si Raiko. Mamaya hindi ka na naman tatantanan no’n kaiiyak.”
I chuckled at that. It’s true, though. Whenever Raiko’s awake, I am practically glued to the bed. Para siyang gumigising lang tuwing nakakaramdam ng gutom, at kapag busog na, tutulog na ulit. I nurse Raiko in my room, dahil kahit na parang okay na si Tatay kay Ryo, ang sama pa rin ng tingin niya tuwing makikita kaming magkalapit masyado, o sa tuwing nakatingin si Ryo sa akin. For now, we just have to put up with it.
“Wow. Very house-husband material,” I joked. His frown turned to a pout before he finally broke into a smile.
“Pasado ba?” tanong niya at pumaling sa ’kin.
Nagkunwari pa akong nag-iisip. Nanliit agad ang mata niya roon. I chuckled and tiptoed to kiss him on the cheek. “Yup. Five out of five stars.”
* * *
The next day, I woke up earlier than usual. After bathing Raiko and taking my own bath, I knocked on Ryo’s door. Kahit na puwede ko naman iyong buksan na lang dahil wala ngang doorknob at may tela lang na nakasiksik sa butas, kumatok pa rin ako. Baka kasi mamaya, nagbibihis pala siya o ano.
I received no response. Baka tulog pa.
Carefully, I pushed the door open with my hip. Sumilip ako nang bahagya at nang mapansing maimis na ang kama niya, nilawakan ko na ang pagkakabukas ng pinto. I turned to my side and let Raiko see the empty bed. His small head’s resting just above my heartbeat, neck steady, little fingers gripping the ruffles of my shirt. His eyes roamed inside the room.
“Wala si Daddy mo,” I told him. He just shifted his gaze at me like what a normal infant would do, before going back to touching the ruffles of my shirt.
I thought I would find him downstairs, forcing himself to down a mug of coffee he obviously doesn’t like and watching the morning news with my father, but I didn’t. Si Nanay lang ang naabutan ko sa kusina at si Lui na maaga sa amin dahil may pinababarnisan si Tatay. Wala rin si Tatay.
“Sina Ryo po?” tanong ko kay Nanay bago umupo sa tabihan niya. May nakasalang nang sinaing habang busy siya sa pagsasagot ng crossword sa diyaryo. Nakalapag sa mesa ang malunggay na hindi pa nahihimay.
“May kakausapin daw na kakilala sa munisipyo at may pi-pick up-in na kahoy. Ewan ko roon. Hiniram ’yong owner nina Eddy at si Ryo ang pinagmaneho,” sagot niya, hindi inaalis ang tingin sa hawak na papel.
I nodded. Raiko’s hand wandered to my face and I gently bit his finger with my lips. That earned me a little sound from him. I chuckled before kissing his small hand and standing up. Bumaba ulit ang kamay niya sa t-shirt ko.
Pumunta ako sa salas at maingat siyang nilapag sa kuna. He seemed so comfortable being placed on my chest but I needed to get some chores done. Bahagya pa siyang umungot nang mailapag. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang ginagawa ni Ryo at kapag siya ang naglalapag, hindi naman nagrereklamo.
The crib had wheels so it was easier to bring Raiko closer to Nanay. I sent a text to Ryo before preparing to cook breakfast. I know Tatay turned him to a personal driver for today so I didn’t call.
“Tayo lang po ba ang kakain?” tanong ko kay Nanay. I checked my phone at ang reply lang ni Ryo ay nasa labas nga sila ni Tatay. He didn’t say what time they would be home or if they could make it to breakfast.
“Tawagin mo si Lui sa labas. Isabay na natin,” utos ni Nanay na sinunod ko. Hanggang sa matapos kami kumain at inaayos na ni Nanay ang pinagkainan, hindi pa rin nakakauwi sina Ryo.
I ended up calling him. Wala naman na akong gagawin kundi magpapalipas ng oras at magluto ulit mamayang tanghali. I missed going to work and looking at my deadlines, but I knew that it wouldn’t be so easy once I’m done with my leave. How Ryo and I would figure out our set-up, I have no idea yet. But we’ll make it work, that’s for sure.
Nakailang ring na pero hindi siya sumasagot kaya pinatay ko na ang tawag. I called him again and this time, he answered, pero binaba niya rin naman agad. Before I could call him for the third time, he texted, telling me to call later instead. Nang subukan ko ulit tumawag ay patay na ang phone niya.
Instead of worrying about it, I’ve decided to clean up my room a bit and talk more with Raiko. Kapag kasi narito si Ryo, lagi siyang nanonood kapag kinakausap ko ang bata. The smile he wears every time I would do some baby talk makes me feel embarrassed, kaya naman madalas ay tahimik na lang ako.
“Wala pa rin sila, ’Nay?” tanong ko nang malapit na magtanghalian pero hindi pa rin sila nagpaparamdam.
Ryo’s phone was still off and I couldn’t contact him. Ayaw kong mabahala dahil kasama naman niya si Tatay, pero sa isang banda, iyon nga mismo ang pinag-aalala ko—’yong kasama niya si Tatay.
He shouldn’t have turned his phone off. Para naman alam ko kung napaano na sila ni Tatay sa daan. O baka naman nagalit si Tatay sa kaniya bigla, tinangay ang owner, at iniwan na lang siya kung saan. Sigurado naman akong mayroong perang dala si Ryo at kayang umarkila ng tricycle pabalik dito sa amin, pero kahit na.
“Wala pa e, pero baka naman pauwi na rin.” Nanay didn’t seem worried, so I tried my best to calm down.
Kung kukuha lang naman sila ng materyales, hindi naman iyon ganoong kalayo. It would take them less than an hour to get back here. Pero kanina pa kasi sila nasa labas, so I was not sure if they went somewhere else or if they couldn’t find the materials Tatay’s looking for.
Kami lang ulit ni Nanay ang kumain ng tanghalian. Kinalaunan ay iniwan din ako ni Nanay dahil pupunta na siya sa palengke. Lui’s work was done, too, so the house was left to Raiko and me.
Sa labas na ako umupo dahil may silong naman at hindi gaanong kainit. Raiko’s cheek was pressed against my chest, his hands busy touching the ruffles of my shirt. I had nothing else to do but worry about Ryo and Tatay. Wala naman akong makausap dahil hindi pa naman nagsasalita ’tong anak namin.
“Ang tagal ng Daddy mo, kumain na kaya ’yun?” I lowered my gaze to Raiko’s eyes. His head moved a little. How would he know, anyway?
Hindi ko pa rin ma-contact ang phone ni Ryo kaya si Tatay na lang ang tinawagan ko, hoping that he would answer because my father doesn’t really care about his phone. Madalas ngang pakalat-kalat ang phone niya sa workspace niya, wala siyang pakialam kung madaganan ng kahoy o matabunan ng kung ano. The only reason why he’s keeping his phone was because I live far away from them. Kung ’di ko naman sila tatawagan, baka matagal nang natabunan ng pinaglihahan ng kahoy ang kawawang phone ni Tatay.
My phone was on loudspeaker. Panay lang ang ring noon sa tabi ko. Sa pang-anim na ring ay saktong may tumigil na tricycle sa tapat ng bahay.
Kumunot ang noo ko nang mapansing si Tatay lang ang sakay no’n. Where’s Ryo? At nasaan ang owner? Bakit nag-commute siya pabalik? Pinatay ko na ang tawag bago siya makalapit sa ’min ni Raiko.
“Kumain na ba kayo? Ang Nanay?” tanong niya. Pagkatapos ay tinanggal niya ang lumang-luma nang sumbrero at isinabit sa pakong nakausli sa may pinto.
“Umalis na po. Si Ryo po, nasaan?”
Lumapit siya at bahagyang tinapik-tapik ang hita ni Raiko. “Ah, e iniwan ko muna sa m—” Umangat ang tingin niya sa akin. Both of my brows shot up, waiting for him to finish his sentence.
“Sa ano…” Napatayo siya nang ayos. Paulit-ulit lang siyang kumurap sa akin. Ganoon din ako sa kaniya. What? Don’t tell me he threatened Ryo to drive away from here!
“Saan po?” Bumaba ang tingin ko sa phone nang umilaw iyon. My forehead creased upon seeing Nate’s name on my mail notifications. I made sure that my left arm’s hold on Raiko was secure before opening the mail.
“Do’n sa may kuhanan ng rattan. Pinagbantay ko muna,” rinig kong sabi ni Tatay.
Tumango na lang ako dahil abala sa binabasang e-mail. Attached were a few files for review and raw transcripts. Seeing that it was about work made my blood rush in excitement. I could hear how Nate’s basically begging me to take the job even if I’m still on my leave, because a certain someone’s getting mad at him for contacting an intern while they’re supposedly on vacation.
Napangiti ako roon. Selosa pala si Cali. I was scanning the files when Tatay called my name and handed me a ballpen. Ngayon ko lang napansin ang hawak niyang brown envelope.
“Papirma nga ako. May kukuhanin lang akong dokumento kaya ako dumaan dito sa bahay e.”
“Ano po ’yan?” I asked, putting my phone down and taking the pen. Umungot si Raiko kaya naman sa kaniya napunta ulit ang tingin ko. Lumukot na naman ang mukha at mukhang paiyak nang walang dahilan.
“E, pirmahan mo na lang. Nagmamadali ako e. Baka palya-palya iyong si Ryo ro’n,” aniya. The document was folded that I could only see my name and Tatay’s. Pumirma ako sa taas ng sa akin. Before I could flip the paper open, Tatay grabbed it from me quickly.
“Aalis na ulit ako,” aniya. Bago pa man ako makapagtanong kung nakakain na sila ni Ryo, bumunghalit na ng iyak si Raiko. I stood up and shushed him. Parang may switch na pinindot at tumahimik siya bigla. I really don’t understand how a newborn’s mind works.
“May ID ka ba riyan? Pahiram na nga rin ako,” pahabol ni Tatay.
“Para saan po?” tanong ko. “Nando’n po sa kuwarto ko. Nasa wallet.”
“Ah, humingi kasi ako ng palugit do’n sa pinagkuhanan ko ng kahoy, ’di pa nagbabayad ’yong kliyente e. Humihingi sa ’kin ng ID, pangalan mo na lang ilalagay ko, ha? Babayaran naman ’yon ngayong linggo.” Pahina nang pahina ang boses niya habang pumapasok sa bahay para umakyat sa kuwarto.
Tatay left before I could even remind him to pick Nanay up and go home before dinner, clutching the brown envelope and my ID on his right hand and running after an empty tricycle as if he’s in a great hurry.
Napanatag naman ako kahit papaano. At least Ryo’s safe, at hindi siya niligaw ni Tatay kung saan. Hopefully, nakapag-lunch na sila.
Nawala rin agad iyon sa isip ko dahil inabala ako ng sinend ni Nate. Raiko and I went back inside. I had to put him in his crib while I settle on a small table in my room. Ngayon ko na lang ulit bubuksan ang laptop ko para magtrabaho.
For a moment, I got too occupied and too distracted to even think about Ryo and Tatay. Patay lang sa ’kin si Ryo mamaya kung pinatayan niya ako ng phone on purpose. Mukhang gusto lang niyang mag-alala ako.
It seemed like Nanay would go home a bit late so I took care of dinner. Pirmi lang si Raiko sa dibdib ko habang kumikilos ako sa kusina. Ang problema lang ay ’pag tinatablan ng ngalay ang mga binti ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang pag-upong gagawin nang hindi nahahalata ni Raiko. I have no idea on why he keeps on crying whenever I would sit down.
Akala ko, kasabay na ni Nanay sina Ryo kaya siya na-late, pero hindi pala. Mag-isa lang si Nanay na dumating.
“Wala pa ang tatay mo?” tanong niya habang nagtatanggal ng sapatos bago pumasok. I picked up her bayong from the floor and put it on the table. Hindi pa ako kumakain kahit nagugutom na dahil hinihintay ko pa sina Ryo. I couldn’t believe he had his phone off for the whole day!
“Wala pa po e. Nasaan na raw po ba?” I asked.
It’s hard to keep myself busy in this place. Wala naman akong ibang gagawin dahil nasimot na ni Nanay lahat ng alikabok bago siya umalis. I was done with the tasks Nate assigned to me. Maagang umuwi si Lui kanina pa kaya wala rin akong makausap. Maybe I should have taken Raiko to the nearest mall. Naglakad-lakad na lang sana kami roon at doon na nagpalipas ng oras.
Umiling si Nanay. “E baka nasa munisipyo pa, iyon ang huling balita ko e. I-text mo at sabihing hapunan na.”
Sinunod ko ang utos ni Nanay. When I asked about what Tatay’s doing there, she just shrugged. Baka nilubos-lubos na ni Tatay na may driver siya ngayon. Hindi na kasi siya puwedeng mag-drive ’pag dumidilim na dahil medyo malabo na ang mata.
“Labas lang kami ni Raiko, ’Nay,” paalam ko. Usually, I like silence. Pero ngayon, hindi ko na kayang tagalan na wala akong ginagawa kundi tumitig sa pader.
“Hindi ka pa kakain? Saan ka pupunta?” tanong ni Nanay na nagsasandok na ng kanin para sa sarili.
I shook my head. “Diyan lang po sa labas. Hintayin ko na po si Ryo.” I made sure that Raiko’s head was fully covered before going out.
Sa may likod-bahay lang naman kami pupunta. It offered a view of the sunset. Ilang púno lang ang humaharang. I would rather watch the sunset with Raiko than have permanent wrinkles on my forehead while worrying about his father. Na hanggang ngayon, hindi man lang nakaisip na mag-text.
I made sure that Raiko would see the colors. I watched the sunset through his wide, curious eyes. I don’t think he would be able to see the skies clearly. He moved his head for a second, before settling on a position where his ears would rest just above my heartbeat. He brought one of his small hands near his neck.
Before the skies could turn completely dark, we went back home. Wala pa rin ang owner sa tapat ng bahay at walang senyales na nakauwi na sina Ryo. Si Nanay lang ang naabutan kong nanonood ng TV.
“Wala pa po sila?” I asked. My hunger was starting to kick in but I wanted to wait for Ryo. Pagagalitan ko pa siya.
“Wala pa e. Pauwi na ’yun, sigurado. Kumain ka na dahil baka kumain na ’yong dalawang ’yon sa labas.”
Tumango ako pero hindi ako kumain. I brought Raiko upstairs to clean him up and nurse him. The moment he fell asleep, I took a bath. I just got out of the bathroom when I heard the sound of engine downstairs. I checked on Raiko first, making sure he was warm and comfortable, before rushing downstairs.
Kasunod nga ni Tatay si Ryo. Nagpupunas si Ryo ng bimpo sa mukha niya habang si Tatay ay nakita kong dumiretso sa dining. Mabuti naman at nandito na sila. I don’t think I could sleep in peace if not.
“Sino ang nagluto?” rinig kong tanong ni Tatay.
“Si Ceskang,” sagot ni Nanay. “Kumain na ba kayo?”
“Ay, sayang. Kumain na kami ni Ryo sa labas.”
Napatigil si Ryo sa pagpupunas ng mukha nang pumunta ako sa harapan niya. I made sure that a frown was evident on my face, and the creases on my forehead were clear. “Bakit patay maghapon ang phone mo?” I whispered.
He scratched the back of his head before fishing out his phone from the pockets of his shorts. He pushed the power button and I watched his phone light up. Pagkatapos ay nakita kong lowbatt na lowbatt siya.
He raised his apologetic gaze at me. “Sorry na. Lowbatt ako, hindi ako nakapag-charge bago umalis. Nagmamadali ang tatay mo e.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, and there I noticed how tired he looked. Napapalatak ako roon bago tumango at alisin ang pagkakakunot ng noo ko. Imbes na magtampo ay naawa pa ata ako. Sigurado naman akong hindi káya ni Ryo magreklamo kay Tatay na pagod na siya.
“Matulog na kayo, gabi na,” rinig kong sabi ni Tatay sa may likuran namin. Napalingon ako sa kaniya. “Doon ka sa kuwarto mo, Ryo.”
Mabilis ang sagot ni Ryo roon. “Opo.”
“Hindi pa nakain ’yang anak mo,” sabi ni Nanay. Nang banggitin niya iyon ay naramdaman ko ulit ang gutom. I pouted. Kumain na pala sila Tatay. Ibig sabihin, wala akong kasabay.
“Kakain na po ako tapos aakyat na rin. Mauna na po kayo,” sabi ko. Tinanguan lang ako ni Tatay na mukhang pagod din. Buong araw ba naman silang wala. Sabay silang umakyat ni Nanay habang si Ryo ay sumunod sa akin sa kusina.
“Bakit ’di ka pa nagdi-dinner? Nagluto ka?” tanong niya, humihila na ng upuan sa tapat ko.
I nodded before settling on the chair across him. He cupped his forehead with his palm before pushing his chair back and grabbing a plate. My brows furrowed at that.
“Kumain na kayo ni Tatay, ’di ba?” tanong ko. Wala naman akong sama ng loob doon. Mas okay nga ’yung kumain na siya at hindi nalipasan ng ngutom, lalo na’t pagod na pagod ata siya.
“Oo nga. Kakain ulit ako,” aniya at sinandukan ang sarili niya ng kanin.
“Hindi ka pa ba busog?” I asked.
“Busog na.” He went back near the sink to get himself a spoon and fork.
“Bakit ka pa kakain? You should take a bath and rest. Maghapon mo atang pinagmaneho si Tatay.”
Nagbuntonghininga lang siya ulit at umiling. Inulit ko ang sinabi ko pero parang wala siyang narinig at sumandok na ng ulam. Hinayaan ko na lang tuloy.
I was in the middle of eating my dinner when I noticed that he wasn’t touching his food. He was just holding his spoon and fork, watching me eat. I looked at him questioningly. Sabi ko kasi umakyat na at magpahinga e. It’s not like I would throw a fit just because he didn’t join me for dinner.
My confusion turned to worry when I noticed how he looked at me. My eyes went down to his hands and saw how he was gripping the utensils so hard his knuckles almost turned white. Napabalik ang tingin ko sa mukha niya nang umangat ang isang kamao niya roon. He wiped away a tear that escaped so quickly, but my eyes were way quicker to notice.
“Bakit?” I asked and almost stood up from my seat. He shook his head at me and chuckled.
“Sige na, kumain ka lang diyan,” he replied, dismissing my question.
“Bakit nga, Ryo? Nakita ko ’yon,” tukoy ko sa luha niya. Imbes na sumagot ay pinunô niya ng kanin at ulam ang bibig. He shook his head at me once again before reaching for my hand and caressing it for a moment before going back to eating. Hindi ko maituloy ang pagkain ko dahil mahihirapan akong lumunok. Quota na siya para sa araw na ’to. Buong araw na niya akong pinag-alala.
“Wala nga, ’Kie…” aniya nang mapansing pinanonood ko lang siya. Obviously, he was having a hard time finishing what’s on his plate. I know him. Malakas at mabilis siyang kumain. Pakiramdam ko’y pinipilit lang niya akong sabayan ngayon.
“Ano nga?” I asked, the frustrations and worries warping into one desperate tone. Huminga lamang siya nang malalim at kumuha ng tubig na maiinom.
“Ryo,” I called out to him worriedly. His smile was tight-lipped and clearly, forced.
“’Yung huling pinagluto mo ako tapos late na ako dumating, hiniwalayan mo ako e.”
My heart dropped at that. Humugot ulit siya ng malalim na hininga at nginitian ako. “Naalala ko lang naman. Sige na, kumain na tayo.”
I groaned. How could I continue eating when he brought that topic up? Seeing him struggle to chew on his food while blinking back his tears was a pain, too. I pushed back my chair and went to his side, enveloping him in a tight hug from the back, hoping that it was warm enough to comfort him.
“That was a completely different situation,” I whispered. He sank into my hold, his head beside mine. One of his large hands covered my arm.
I felt him nod. We stayed silent while I waited for him to calm down for a bit. His hand went down to mine.
“Pakakasalan mo ba talaga ako?” he asked, his thumb and index finger tracing a spot in my hand.
Lumayo ako nang kaunti para sipatin ang mukha niya. There was a gentle smile on his face. “Is that a proposal? Baka naman pinapaasa mo lang ulit ako.”
He chuckled at that, which instantly sent away the dark clouds looming over the dining table. “E paano ’yan, nasa taas ’yung singsing?”
“It’s fine. I’ll just wear it at the wedding proper.”
Natawa siya ulit doon. I found myself smiling at the sound of that.
“Get down on one knee now, Ryo,” I commanded jokingly. His chuckles grew louder, which would probably call Tatay’s attention but I didn’t care. He didn’t let go of my hand as I settled on the seat beside him.
I swallowed and kept my giggles at the back of my throat when he did get on one knee. We stared at each for a few moments, both of us probably laughing inside our heads.
“Will you marry me, Frankie?”
Napanguso ako roon. He raised both of his brows when I stayed silent for a while. Habang tumatagal ang pananahimik ko, gumagapang na ang pag-aalala sa mata niya. Hah. That’s for worrying me the whole day.
Because I was sure that he would end up wailing and waking the neighbours up if I would jokingly say no, and because I was eager to marry him that I wouldn’t complain if we were to get married tomorrow, I nodded. “Of course.”
He slipped an imaginary ring on my finger before bringing the back of my palm to his lips for a kiss. Gently, I swatted away his hand to pull his chin and steal a kiss on his lips, not minding the sound of Tatay’s footsteps against our creaking stairs.
Chapter 24: Forever
#hhfm24 chapter 24: Forever
“Magpapakasal tayo. Malapit na.”
When Ryo said those words, I didn’t expect that we would get married literally in a few weeks.
“Ngayon na?” I asked. I was halfway through buttoning up Raiko’s sleep sack. Malamig ang hangin sa labas, at sigurado akong hindi siya titigil kaiiyak hangga’t hindi nagigising ang mga kapitbahay kung hindi makapal ang ipasusuot ko sa kaniya. He seemed to not be fond of the cold.
Ryo looked like he just finished taking a bath. Nakapandong pa sa ulo niya ang tuwalyang gamit habang bahagyang pinipiga ang buhok para matuyo. He was already in his dark blue jeans and a light gray polo shirt, while here I am with a department shirt from college and floral pambahay pants. Like always, he looked dashing. Parang nakakahiya siyang tabihan sa hitsura niya ngayon.
“Oo,” natatawa niyang sabi habang tumatango. “Maligo ka na kaya? Ako na ang magbibihis kay Raiko.”
He walked towards the bed and picked up Raiko’s socks. I remained standing on my spot, waiting for a punchline. Any minute now, I was sure that he would laugh in my face and admit that he was joking. Pero naisarado ko na lahat ng butones ng damit ni Raiko, wala pa rin. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin na parang walang pinaplanong kung ano.
I narrowed my eyes at him which made him chuckle. Parang alam na niyang pinaghihinalaan kong may kalokohan siyang iniisip. Malay ko ba kung masiyado siyang natuwa noong nalaman niyang umasa ako sa singsing noong nakita ko, kaya nilulubos-lubos niyang pag-trip-an ako ngayon?
“Ano, Kie?” he asked, one of his brows jerked upwards. His eyes roamed around the room and stopped at the wall clock. “Pero alas-sais pa lang naman e. We have two hours.”
“Seryoso ka ba?” paglilinaw ko. May plano naman talaga akong maligo pagkatapos bihisan si Raiko, pero hindi ko alam na may pupuntahan kami ni Ryo ngayon. Hindi naman niya ako sinabihan kagabi.
Smiling, he shook his head. I was forced to step aside as he carefully slipped a sock on Raiko’s little foot. “Hindi kita binibiro. Mukha ba akong nagjo-joke noong nag-propose ako sa ’yo?” Nilingon niya ako, nanghahamon ang tingin. I scrunched my nose.
I observed him with mouth agape, trying to see if he would slip. Baka makita ko siyang nagpipigil ng tawa o ano.
Chuckling as he put on Raiko’s hand covers, he asked, “Ano, Frankie? Baka ma-late tayo ro’n.”
“This is not a good joke, Ryo. Magagalit ako,” I told him, which obviously wasn’t true. I wouldn’t be mad because of something this petty. Pero kung nagbibiro siya, aminin na niya ngayon pa lang. Hindi ’yong ’pag nakabihis na ako saka niya aaminin.
He let out a long sigh. “Hindi nga kita binibiro.” One of Raiko’s fists reached his cheek. Iniwas niya ang mukha rito. “Maligo at magbihis ka na. Pupunta tayo sa munisipyo.”
I checked the time. Ang sabi niya, alas-otso raw ang schedule. Judging by his get-up, mukha ngang may lakad kami. Still, I kept my eyes glued on his face as I opened my cabinet to get some decent clothes. Pero wala akong nakita kundi ang pagme-make face niya sa tapat ni Raiko na mukhang natutuwa sa lukot-lukot niyang mukha.
Upon noticing that I was just standing there and holding my clothes, he frowned. “Maligo ka na nga, Frankie. Ako pa ba ang magpapaligo sa’ yo?”
I rolled my eyes at that as I heard him laugh. Mamaya marinig siya ni Tatay, edi napagalitan kami pareho. Tingnan lang naming pareho kung makatawa pa siya.
Hanggang sa banyo, hindi pa rin ako kumbinsido na may lakad talaga kami sa munisipyo. I was so sure that there were documents that we needed to request before attending the counseling. Hindi ko rin alam kung naasikaso niya na ba ’yon nang ’di ko nalalaman o ano.
Mahirap man ay sa loob ng banyo na ako nagpantalon. Ang dating medyo maluwag pa sa aking blouse ay medyo sumikip na sa bandang braso. It looked weird on the chest part too. My bra keeps on peeking through the spaces in between the buttons. I wasn’t that bothered by the pregnancy fat I gained, but sadly, some of my favorite clothes don’t flatter my current body shape anymore. And Ryo kept on playing with my now flabby arms whenever he would get the chance to be alone with me in my room. Good thing that it was cold outside; I had a reason to put on Raianne’s gift. The loose fit of the cardigan hid my arms and chest.
“Ryo,” sita ko sa kaniya nang makitang buhat-buhat niya si Raiko at nagpapaikot-ikot sila sa kuwarto ko. He stopped swinging our poor child, chuckling. Siya lang naman ang nag-eenjoy sa ginagawa niya. Raiko was just silently watching him. Pinaikot-iot niya ’yung batang hindi ko alam kung nahihilo na ba.
He carefully placed Raiko on the bed before plopping down beside our baby. Inayos ko na ang bedsheet ko kanina pero hindi ko na siya sinaway. The front of his shirt stretched over his pecs and his arm sleeves looked like they were going to pop when he scooped Raiko from the bed to put him above his chest. His arms looked like they could crush Raiko’s small figure in a snap.
Raiko made a sound. I thought he was going to cry but Ryo was quick to shush him and kiss the top of his head.
They looked so comfortable that I was almost envious. Nang-aakit ang maliit na espasyo sa tabihan nila at gusto ko na lang din humiga roon. As much as I didn’t want to ruin their moment, we have to go downstairs now to have breakfast if we want to make it in time for the counseling… sakali mang hindi talaga ako binibiro lang ni Ryo.
“Akala ko ba aalis tayo?” I asked Ryo. His eyes were closed while one of his hands was lightly patting Raiko’s legs in a slow rhythm. Baka makatulog siya.
He hummed. “Oo nga. Sabihin mo kapag okay ka na, babangon na kami.”
It seemed like Ryo wanted to get more sleep. Sabagay, mula noong nagpunta kami rito ay maaga na siya laging nagigising. Back at their house, he wakes up early only to jog, tapos ay matutulog na ulit kapag nakaramdam ng antok. If he doesn’t feel like jogging in the morning, gumigising siya kapag may araw na. Iba rito. Maaga siya laging gumigising. Kung hindi, sisimangutan siya ni Tatay buong araw.
Busy na masyado si Tatay ngayon at naghahabol doon sa mga pina-custom sa kaniyang furniture set. Kaya nga maaga na ring nagigising si Ryo ay dahil ginagawa siyang alalay ng Tatay ko. Sabi nga niya, sayang daw ang laki ng katawan kung tatambay lang si Ryo sa salas maghapon.
Ryo ended up falling back asleep in a few minutes. After combing my hair and prepping Raiko’s bag, I had to pinch his nose for him to wake up.
Hindi na nagtanong sina Tatay kahit na nagpaalam akong may lakad kami ni Ryo sa munisipyo. Hindi na rin ako hinayaan ni Nanay na magligpit ng pinagkainan dahil baka raw ma-late kami. Kahit na nakasakay na ako sa owner, nanliliit pa rin ang mata ko kay Ryo.
He glanced at me before revving the engine. “Bakit ganiyan ka makatingin?”
“Are we going on a family date?”
A beat passed before the sound of his laughters fused with the roar of the engine. I don’t think the nearest mall opens at eight in the morning, though. So baka may iba nga kaming pupuntahan.
“Gusto mo ba? Puwede namang hápon na tayo umuwi. Hindi lang puwedeng super late kasi susunduin natin ang nanay mo sa palengke mamaya.”
My forehead creased at that. Sa aming dalawa, ako ang mas mahilig magplano at mag-schedule. I always made sure that I have his schedule arranged back in college. He’s often forgetful and ends up stressing himself out trying to juggle everything he has on his plate. Naninibago akong parang alam na alam niya ang gagawin para sa buong araw ngayon.
“Seriously, Ryo,” I said in a stern voice. Both his brows shot upwards. “Where are we going?”
“Munisipyo nga,” natatawa niyang agot. “Eight to twelve, counseling. Tapos, lunch tayo. Sa hápon, bahala na kung saan mo gustong pumunta. Tawagan mo kaya si Cali? Sabihin mo labas tayong apat. Isama niya ’yung love niya.” Nagawa pa talaga niyang mang-asar. “Basta ’pag five na, susunduin natin nanay mo.”
I gaped at him. His eyes were set on the road, bright and alive with the soft veil of morning light grazing his skin. Hindi naman siya mukhang nakikipaglokohan. I knew he told me that we would get married soon but I didn’t expect it to be this soon. What about the papers we need to request? What about… Tita? Does his family even know that we’re engaged? Saan kami ikakasal? Dito?
After taking a turn right after passing an elementary school, he shot me a glance. It’s as if he could read what’s going on inside my head. “Okay na. Inayos na namin ni Tatay lahat. Hihintayin na lang natin ’yung requests. Siya na kumuha ng mga papel mo.”
My head felt like it was going to spin. Fortunately, Raiko’s small hand which touched my chin was able to keep it stable. I fixed his hand cover before turning my head back to Ryo.
“Alam na nina Tita?” The moment I got into a relationship with him, I knew that it meant getting in a relationship with his family, too. As much as he doesn’t like saying it out loud, he’s family oriented and a mama’s boy. Kaya naman noong una pa lang, alam kong kasama ang pamilya niya sa lahat ng desisyon namin. How did Tita even react to this seemingly rushed wedding?
He clicked his tongue. “Alam na nina Daddy at Raianne. Ngayon lang sasabihin ni Daddy kay Mommy. Mamaya. Kaya pag-uwi natin, baka nando’n sina Mommy sa bahay niyo.”
I gasped. If my arms weren’t full, I would have slapped him on the arm. “Bakit hindi mo sinabi agad kay Tita?”
He chuckled. “OA ’yun e. Ii-stress-in no’n si Daddy. Hindi ’yon mapapakali kung paano tayo ikakasal. Baka tawagan pa no’n ’yung personal shopper niya para sa damit mo.” He shook his head. “Nga pala, tinatanong ni Raianne ano raw ang isusuot mo. Gusto niya isama mo raw siya mamili.”
Napatahimik na lang ako nang matanaw na ang munisipyo. We passed by the church and parked at the adjacent plaza. Ang isang kamay niya ay bitbit ang bag ni Raiko at ang isa ay nanatili sa likod ko habang tumatawid.
“Is this for real, Ryo?” I asked as we walked on the steps towards the front entrance.
“Bakit? Ayaw mo pa ba? Nagbago na ba ang isip mo?” Tumigil siya sa paglalakad kaya napatigil din ako. He didn’t sound disappointed nor mad. “Kung… ayaw mo muna, edi… mag-date na lang tayo. Tara?”
Umiling ako agad. That’s not what I meant. Napanguso ako. “Sinisiguro ko lang na hindi mo ako binibiro.”
He grinned. “Hindi nga.”
His head turned to the huge tarpaulin posted on one of the columns of the building which made me look at that too. There’s a picture of a huge bouquet of pink and white flowers, a clip-art of wedding rings, and the municipality logo. Finally able to connect the dots on how we would have a marriage done with a very short preparation time, I almost felt the world spun beneath my feet, like the reality was starting to dawn on me just now. So this was what kept him and Tatay busy in the past few days. They were trying to beat the deadline on the requirements.
Hindi nga talaga siya nagbibiro.
“Seryoso? This wedding’s okay for you?” I asked him. He nodded, eyes earnest and lips curling upwards. The view’s enough to make my chest hurt with all the pounding my heart was doing.
“Sabi ko sa ’yo e, kahit anong klaseng kasal, basta ba sa mahal ko, okay na.”
* * *
The counseling ended before 12 noon. Raiko seemed to be in a good mood but at the expense of my already sleeping arms. Ryo had to scoop him out of my hold, pero pagdating naman namin sa sasakyan, ako ulit ang magbubuhat dahil hindi ko naman kayang magmaneho.
Kumain lang kami saglit sa may tapat ng munisipyo para lang hindi malipasan ng gutom. We planned to go to the mall and walk around, pero pinasabog na ni Tito ang cellphone ni Ryo katatawag. Hindi na tuloy kami nakagala dahil nagmamadali na kaming umuwi. He didn’t want to make Tita wait, who found out about the wedding earlier than he expected.
Pag-uwi nga namin, nadatnan ko si Tatay na kasama ang pamilya ni Ryo sa salas. Si Raianne ay kumakain ng palitaw sa isang gilid ng sofa. Tito remained standing just beside Tita, who got on her feet almost immediately upon our arrival. Hinigit ni Tatay ang kuna palapit sa kaniya at nilapag ko roon si Raiko. My arms felt numb.
“You’re getting married?!” halos pahisterya iyon. I looked at Tatay who seemed to not be bothered by Tita’s reaction. Oras na ng tanghalian pero umiinom lang siya ng kape habang nanonood ng TV.
“Oo, ’My. Ngayon mo lang nalaman?” maang-maangang tanong ni Ryo. I almost laughed at that.
“Hoy, ikaw ang may sabing ’wag ko munang sabihin e!” alma ni Tito. RYo chuckled. I looked towards their direction and found him hugging his mom.
It turned out that they were just waiting for Lui. May dalang lutong ulam si Lui pagdating niya at sama-sama na kaming nananghalian. Ryo sat beside Tita who looked like she was too troubled about our wedding that she couldn’t even swallow her food. Panay ang tanong niya sa ’min ni Ryo kung paano ang gagawin. Parang siya pa nga ang ikakasal.
“Sakto, pito lang ’yung puwedeng bisita,” ani Ryo. “Sakto lang. Si Daddy, ikaw, si Raianne, si Tatay, si Nanay, si Cali, si Nate…”
Tita didn’t have any traces of disapproval in her face. She merely looked bothered and worried that we didn’t have enough time to prepare for the wedding. The conversation went to Ryo’s clothes, my dress, our rings… Halos hindi naman kami makasingit ni Ryo sa usapan nila ni Raianne. Raianne kept on whispering beside me to go with her and call Cali so we could buy my wedding dress. Hindi ko na alam kung ang sinasabi ba niya ang una kong papakinggan o ang pagtatalo nina Tita at Tito sa harap ko kung anong kulay ang mas maganda. As per Ryo’s prediction, Tita proposed to let her buy my wedding dress—courtesy of her personal shopper who was currently staying in Paris.
“Parehas lang namang puti ’yan,” Tito argued, pointing at the screen of Tita’s phone where a photo of two wedding dresses were shown—one in natural white, one in ivory. Napakamot na lang si Ryo sa batok.
Si Tatay ay nakatingin lang sa kanila habang lukot ang mukha pero hindi naman nagrereklamo sa ingay. I was certain that he was weirded out on how Tita acts. I couldn’t blame him. I was as baffled as him on why there would be a need for me to have a dress shipped from overseas, with a price almost five times my monthly salary.
“Kung parehas lang ’yan, edi sana hindi na magkaiba ang tawag!”
I wasn’t sure how Raianne convinced Tita to stop worrying about my dress. Sa huli ay napagdesisyonang sumama na lang ako kina Cali at Raianne para mamili ng isusuot. Bumalik lang sa katahimikan ang bahay nang nagsialisan na silang lahat. Tita looked like he wanted to bring Ryo with him pero nagpaiwan ’tong isa. I think I have an idea why. Hindi pa rin humuhupa ang inis ni Tita sa kanilang dalawa ni Tito dahil kinontra nila lahat ng sinuggest nito.
“Bukas, doon ka muna sa inyo, ha?” bilin ni Tatay kay Ryo. I curled my tongue and held back my chuckles when I saw how Ryo wanted to argue but ended up agreeing to my father’s request. “Huwag mo munang dikitan si Ceskang bago ang kasal.”
I didn’t understand my father’s logic, but I didn’t bother to argue. Sigurado naman kasi akong matatalo ako at baka ma-bad shot pa si Ryo.
The next day, Ryo and I went out to buy rings. The last time we were in a jewelry store, it was for Raianne’s birthday, if my memory serves me right. At ang presyuhan doon, hamak na mas nakakalula.
The bracelet that I gave him for his birthday shimmered against his skin. I told him that I would buy a ring for him, but he insisted that we buy a set for the two of us together. When I asked what I would do with the ring in his luggage, he just shrugged and told me to wear both. Right now, he’s busy checking different wedding bands.
Cali arrived just in time after we’ve decided to buy a pair of platinum, solitaire rings. It didn’t take long for Raianne to arrive, too. As much as Ryo wanted to tag along, his sister practically dragged him out of the mall and shoved him inside their SUV, saying that he wasn’t allowed to see me try on the dress.
The main reason why Ryo didn’t want to leave me yet was because starting tonight, he would not be allowed to step foot in our house. Batas iyon ni Tatay kaya hindi puwedeng kontrahin. He didn’t even get the chance to kiss Raiko before leaving.
“Hindi raw magkakabalikan, ’sus,” komento ni Cali habang inaayos ni Raianne at ng staff sa dress shop sa labas ng mall ang suot ko. We could have just gone to the department store and picked up a white dress pero ayaw ni Raianne. Still, I’d rather have this than let Tita buy me a ridiculously expensive dress.
“Shut up,” I replied with a glare. Nakaupo lang si Cali sa may sofa at nakasubsob sa dibdib niya si Raiko habang sinusukatan ako kung hanggang saan ang puputulin sa dress na napili namin kanina.
“Ilan nga ulit kayo ro’n, Ate? Fifty?” Raianne asked. Tumango ako roon. Kita kong napaawang ang labi niya roon bago tumango pabalik. It would probably be their first time to witness a mass wedding, at sigurado rin akong hindi iyon ang in-expect nilang magiging kasal ni Ryo.
Kahit na anong apila ko ay hindi pumayag si Raianne na hindi siya ang magbabayad. Kaya naman nagpumilit na akong ilibre sila ng pagkain. Cali’s carrying Raiko’s bag while Raianne’s holding the dress. We ended up at the eatery right across the mall since we were all too tired to find another place to eat.
“Kailan binyag niyan?” tanong ni Cali. Raianne volunteered to take our orders so it’s just us two.
“Hindi ko pa alam e. Basta Ninang ka, at Ninong si Nate,” I answered. She nodded as she twirled the ends of her hair with her finger, eyes locked on Raiko who was half-asleep on my chest.
“Okay, okay. Sabihan mo lang ako. Basta ba mag-ninang ka rin sa ’min, ha?”
“Of course,” I replied. Nagkatitigan kaming dalawa pagkatapos.
What?
It took me a while to process what she just said. Napangisi siya nang makitang halos lumaglag ang panga ko sa sahig.
“Buntis ka?” I squeaked.
Slowly, she nodded. I gasped at that. I knew something was different! I lightly kicked her leg under the table which made her laugh. Nagkatitigan ulit kami. I didn’t voice out my questions but she sort of understood what my eyes wanted to convey.
Tumango-tango ulit siya, “Oo, alam na ni Nate. Sabi ko ’wag siyang maingay kasi aasarin kami ni Ryo e.”
I burst into laughter. She’s right, though. Baka hindi na sila tinantanan ni Ryo noong nasa bahay sila.
Nate picked us up after we were done eating slash celebrating my wedding and Cali’s pregnancy. Nga lang, hindi ako sa bahay agad nagpahatid at kay Raianne muna sumama.
If I weren’t holding Raiko, baka dinambahan na ako ni Ryo pagkakitang-pagkakita niya sa akin sa labas ng kuwartong tinutuluyan niya. Lagot ako kay Tatay pero bahala na. Andito na kami e, wala naman na siyang magagawa.
“Dito muna ako, ha?” I managed to ask while he showered my cheeks with kisses. Nang matapos sa akin ay ganoon din ang ginawa niya kay Raiko na parang ilang taon niya kaming hindi nakita.
We didn’t stay long, though. Parang may radar si Tatay at tumawag sa ’kin. Makalipas ang wala pang isang oras, hinahanap na ako sa bahay. Mukhang gusto pa nga ni Ryo na sumama sa paghahatid sa ’min pero pinagalitan siya ni Tito Finn. Hindi talaga puwede dahil kapag nakita siya ni Tatay, baka magalit. Hanggang kanto nga lang ako magpapahatid at magta-tricycle na lang papuntang bahay para hindi makita ni Tatay ang sasakyan nila.
“Mag-iingat kayo, ha. Magpapakasal pa tayo,” he whispered.
Tito, who was standing just a few feet in front of us, heard it and snorted. “Corny.”
Napasimangot si Ryo roon. I held back my chuckles. Ryo kissed the top of Raiko’s head before kissing me on the temple.
“I love you forever, Kie,” bulong niya, mas mahina kumpara sa kanina. It quickly drew a smile from my lips.
“I love you, too,” I whispered back. Until I run out of tomorrows.
After a few more days of signing papers and more waiting, the mass wedding day has finally arrived.
Chapter 25: First
#hhfm25 chapter 25: First
“No phone calls!” Raianne screeched before snatching my phone off the table. Ni hindi niya man lang ako hinayaang mahawakan iyon. Mabuti nga’t mabilis ang mata ko at nakita agad kung sino iyong tumawag.
She answered the call. “No phone calls, Kuya!” she screamed over the phone. I feel like my eardrums are going to bleed every time she would yell. Ang tinis ng boses niya.
Namaywang siya. Akala ko’y papatayin niya agad ang tawag pagkatapos bulyawan ang kuya niya. Mukhang umalma’t pumatol pa ata si Ryo at may sinasabi pa kaya kunot na kunot ang noo ni Raianne ngayon.
“Whatever, Kuya!” Mukhang may balak siyang padabog na ibagsak ang phone ko sa mesa kaya nilahad ko agad ang kamay ko.
Lucky for me, she placed my phone on my hand. I know she could buy me a replacement within the day but I wouldn’t want her to do that. Iyong mga regalo niya nga sa ’kin, kung hindi niya ako pupuwersahin, hindi ko tatanggapin. Paano pa kaya kapag phone?
Siniguro kong makikita niyang pinatay ko ang phone ko. Mag-aaway pa sila ng kuya niya dahil lang sa tawag. I would see Ryo later anyway. I could wait. Ewan ko na lang sa kaniya. Pero kahit naman hindi niya káya, he doesn’t have a choice. I doubt that Tito Finn would let him go here. Baka mainis si Tatay at sabihing hindi siya makapaghintay.
Our agreement was that we would meet at the multipurpose hall. That was my parents’ simple request aside from Ryo staying away from me before the wedding day.
Tita and Raianne arrived here earlier, just before lunch. Nasa baba sina Tita kasama ang magulang ko at si Raiko. Cali called just a while ago to inform me that they’re on the way. Raianne’s here with me inside my room, doing my hair and make-up. Ryo’s alone with his father at the place they’re staying at.
“Hanggang kailan kayo dito, Ate?” Raianne asked, securing a group of small braids on the side of my head with a barette. Hindi na talaga nawala iyong pagtawag niya sa akin ng ’ate.’
“Before your grad, nando’n na kami,” I answered and smiled. I saw her smile through the mirror in front of us. Sakali mang hindi pa kami puwedeng umuwi at mag-stay roon, because her graduation is in a few days, pupunta pa rin kami kahit para sa araw na ’yon lang. I know Ryo. He and Raianne fight a lot but he wouldn’t miss his sister’s graduation, kahit ano pa ang mangyari.
I let Raianne do her thing as I fidget with the small box in front of me. I have Ryo’s ring. Nasa kaniya naman ang akin. I heard the municipality’s providing a few pairs of rings, pero hindi na kami kumuha at nagpaubaya na lang sa iba.
“Ate.”
Napaangat ang tingin ko sa repleksiyon ni Raianne. “Hm?”
“Bakit mo sinagot si Kuya?” tanong niya at tinagpo ang tingin ko sa salamin. She gathered bits of my hair from the left side of my head to form a braid.
The thought of the shy, charming Ryo made me smile. My fingers traced the lid of the velvet box as I thought of a good answer. I don’t really remember. All I know is that he was nice, and I liked his company. He was vocal, yet always taken aback whenever I would be straightforward. Wala naman akong masyadong alam sa pagbo-boyfriend noong napunta ako roon. I wasn’t naïve but I was inexperienced. Kahit nga si Ryo ay hindi makapaniwala noong bigla ko siyang sinagot. He thought that I was just pressured to say yes. But really, I was just happy, and I wanted to be happy with him for a really long time.
I shrugged. “Ewan,” I answered instead of telling her that it wasn’t difficult to fall in love with her brother. She pouted at my answer and narrowed her eyes at me, as if not accepting my answer. I laughed. Hindi ko talaga alam paano sasagutin ang tanong niya.
“I like being a Tita so I’m going to spoil Raiko,” she paused, snapping a crystal barrette open, “so make more kids. Uubusin din natin ang pera ni Kuya.”
Nailing na lang ako roon. The memories of giving birth made me shiver a bit. That was a hell of a painful experience. Nothing beats the happiness of seeing and touching our baby after the delivery, though. My lips, painted in mauve pink, formed a pout as the thought lingered in my mind. Bakante pa naman ang pangalan ni Lyra, pero paano kung lalaki ulit?
“Ikaw ba? May boyfriend ka na?” I asked and she instantly blushed. Ryo’s pretty chill when it comes to her guy friends, pero ewan ko na lang kung ganoon pa rin kapag may pinakilalang boyfriend na ’tong isa.
My finely done brow rose at her silence. Imbes na sagutin ako ay kung ano-ano ang sinabi niya tungkol sa mga pins na kinakabit niya sa buhok ko. I didn’t ask further. She would tell me when she’s ready. Kung meron man, baka natatakot na sabihin ko sa kuya niya kaya hindi siya umiimik ngayon.
Nang dumating si Cali, bitbit niya na si Raiko na bihis na kanina pa. Tita bought him clothes. Mukha nga siyang bibinyagan sa suot niya e. Cali’s in a peach dress. I don’t know if it’s just my mind imagining things but her cheeks look fuller. Baka nga totoo iyong kapag umamin ang buntis, saka lang mas mahahalata.
“Si Nate?” I asked. Raianne swatted my hand away when I tried to reach for her shoebox. Binawi ko tuloy ang kamay ko at hinayaang siya ang kumuha no’n. Nakakahiya naman kasi na parang may balak pa siyang suotan ako ng sapatos. Sa kaniya na nga iyong heels na gagamitin ko e.
“Nasa baba, kausap sina Tita,” she answered before sitting on the side of my bed. Both of her brows jerked upwards as she scanned me from head to toe. “Ganda naman! Baka wala pang kiss the bride, nahalikan ka na nung asawa mo.”
That made me chuckle. Raianne made gagging noises before taking out her shoes from the box and helping me wear the pair of beige kitten heels. All I have here at home are comfy flats that wouldn’t match my dress, kaya mabuti na lang at may maipapahiram si Raianne.
The program would start at five in the afternoon, pero siyempre dapat ay medyo maaga kami dahil iche-check pa ang pangalan namin doon at papipilahin. Mabuti nga’t hindi nagliligalig si Raiko na si Cali ang may buhat sa kaniya. The moment I inched my face near him to kiss him on the cheek, nahagip niya agad ang isang barette sa buhok ko. Raianne had to do a little fixing before we headed downstairs. My hands remained on the pocket of my dress where Ryo’s ring is.
Bihira ko lang makita si Tatay na nakaayos ng damit. On most days, I would find him on a plain-colored shirt dusted with wood shreds or stained with wood tints. Naninibago ako sa hitsura niya ngayong maimis na maimis ang suot at sinusuklay ni Nanay ang manipis na niyang buhok. Tita’s in front of them, cradling a bowl of pansit on her palms. Kahit na nasa loob lang ay suot-suot niya ang kaniyang shades. I have a feeling she had a crying spree last night. Nate’s beside Tita, pushing and pulling the doors of Tatay’s cupboard in progress.
Tatay gazed at me through the rim of his mug. Kape pa rin ang iniinom niya kahit hápon na. I stopped in front of him and Nanay handed me the comb. There was a shadow of a smile on Nanay’s face which made me smile in return. Umiwas lang ng tingin si Tatay nang ibalik ko sa kaniya ang tingin. We weren’t really fond of dramatics, so this was more than enough.
“May dala ba kayong sasakyan? Nasa labas pa ang owner,” tanong ni Tatay.
“Meron po e,” si Nate. “Kaya niyo po bang magmaneho?”
“Hindi naman ititigil ni Ceskang ang kasal kung hindi ako magmaneho,” pasinghal niyang sagot bago ako silipin. I pouted at that. He’s right. Tatakbuhin ko siguro ang toda at aarkila ng tricycle papuntang munisipyo. My hair, make-up, and wedding dress be damned. “Kakayanin, maliwanag pa naman sa labas. Tawagan niyo na lang si Lui pauwi, o si Ryo na ang pagmanehuhin.
“Sige na, paiinitin ko na ang makina,” aniya at tumayo. I pretended to not see how quickly he wiped a tear using the ends of his long sleeves. Itatanggi lang naman niya kapag pinuna ko.
“Frankie.”
Napalingon ako kay Tita. Cali and Nate seemed to have their own world with my son. If Ryo were here, siguro inasar na niya ang dalawa. O kaya, binawi na si Raiko na pinaglalaruan ng dalawa.
“Po?” I asked, getting the empty bowl from her hand. May catering naman na hinanda sa munisipyo, but of course, ngayon pa ba hindi magluluto si Nanay kung kailan ikakasal ako?
She stood up. I couldn’t see her eyes because of her heavily tinted shades. Umangat ang dalawang kilay ko nang baklasin niya ang pearl earrings niya.
“I think this would look good on you. Your dress is too plain,” she said. She didn’t even wait for my reaction before putting one of the earrings on my ear. Raianned popped on my right and grabbed the bowl from my hand.
“I forgot my jewelry box,” she told her mom. “Daddy said not to pack too much.”
“Nakinig ka naman sa Daddy mo,” umiiling na sabi ni Tita. Marahan niyang pinaling ang ulo ko sa kabila para madali niyang mailagay ang isa pang hikaw. Her hands went to the side of my arms afterwards. Out of reflex, I pushed my shoulders back.
She gave my arms a gentle squeeze before smiling. “Looks good on you.”
Napunta tuloy ang kamay ko sa tainga at kinapa ang hikaw roon. Hindi niya siguro ito tatanggapin kapag ibinalik ko sa kaniya mamaya. After the wedding, I probably wouldn’t wear this anymore, lalo na’t hindi ako sigurado sa presyo.
“Thank you po,” I replied sheepishly. Nagtagal ang tingin niya sa akin. I have always been intimidated with the way she stares at me, but it’s worse now that I couldn’t see her eyes. Mabuti na lang at nginitian niya ako, kung hindi ay baka nanginig na ang tuhod ko.
We waited for Tito Finn’s call before heading to the road. Raiko’s with me at the back of the owner. Tita and Raianne went with Cali and Nate. Surprisingly, Tita and Raianne weren’t fetched with a luxury car. There were no security personnels, nor assistants which I usually see whenever I was at Ryo’s house and Tita just got home from work or an event.
Pagkarating namin sa may venue, maraming sasakyang nakaparada sa labas. I scanned the area and easily spotted their SUV. Hindi naman iyon mahirap hanapin dahil iilan lang ang four-wheels at kadalasa’y mga tricycle ang nasa labas.
“Sa akin na muna ang bata. Kinukutkot na ’yang damit mo, baka masira,” ani Nanay pagkababa namin. My eyes went down to Raiko’s small fingers tugging on the fake pearls attached to the lace of the neckline of my dress. I carefully took his hand off my dress and kissed it before giving him to Nanay.
“Napakainit naman sa katawan nito. Buti na lang pala at isa lang ang anak ko kaya isang beses lang ako magsusuot ng ganito,” sabi ni Tatay, panay ang hawak sa collar ng suot niya. My smile was quickly wiped off my face when he added, “Sa kabaong ko na ’yung sunod na suot ko ng ganito.”
“’Tay naman.” I linked my arm with his. He clicked his tongue and shook his head, but brought my arm closer to him.
“Baka naman makalimutan niyo nang umuwi rito,” aniya habang naglalakad kami. My eyes were searching for Ryo. Sana ay nakatayo siya para mas madali ko siyang mahanap. People in white swarmed the place, making it difficult to spot him.
“Hindi po,” tugon ko.
“Ang ganda mo ngayon. Kapag hindi niya sinabing maganda ka pagkakita niya sa ’yo, iuuwi kita sa bahay at hindi itutuloy ang kasal, ha?”
Napalingon ako kay Tatay dahil doon. His face remained serious, which made it hard to tell if he was joking or not. Kahit na ganoon ay tumango na lang ako.
“Sila ata ’yon,” sabay nguso ni Tatay sa isang direksiyon. Nilingon ko iyong sinesenyas niya at nakita ko si Tito Finn na naka-shades din. Ryo was sitting on the stairs, playing with a heart-shaped red cartolina cut-out. Bigay siguro sa kaniya ng staff, o napitas niya sa mga nakasabit na decor na sigurado akong walang ka-effort-effort niyang maaabot.
For a moment, he lifted his gaze from the small piece of paper to the crowd, as if searching for someone, probably me. He didn’t look our way. There was a small frown in his face before his gaze went back down to the heart cut-out he was playing with earlier.
Si Tito ang unang nakakita sa ’min. Kinawayan niya pa kami. Raianne walked past me and ran to her father, which made Ryo lift his head. From Raianne, his eyes went to me.
A smile tugged at the corners of my lips upon seeing his eyes widen. He scrambled to his feet, almost bumping into people’s shoulders as he ran his way to me. He stopped in front of us, eyes glued to me as if he wasn’t aware that my father’s just beside me.
“Ang ganda mo,” he breathed.
That left me stunned somehow. Lumipat ang tingin ko kay Tatay na nanliliit ang mata sa kaniya. I suppressed a laugh as he removed his arm from me. Hindi ko rin naman in-expect na iyon ang unang sasabihin sa ’kin ni Ryo.
“Sige na, lumapit na kayo ro’n sa organizers niyo,” bubulong-bulong na sabi ni Tatay. Saka lamang napatingin sa kaniya si Ryo. Nginisian niya ito. Lalo lang sumimangot si Tatay tuloy sa kaniya.
“Tara na?” he asked, offering me his hand. His fingers filled the gaps in between mine as we walked towards the hall.
“Kanina ka pa?” I asked. Hindi pa rin nawawala ang malapad niyang ngiti. There were two couples in front of us, so we had to wait in line for our turn. Nang lingunin niya ako ay nakangiti pa rin siya.
“Medyo lang. Ayos lang naman,” he answered. My brows furrowed as he swayed his head from left to right, humming a song I’m not familiar with; he probably just made the tune up.
“Name po?” the staff asked when it was our turn. She was a few inches smaller than me and had to lift her gaze just to see Ryo. I didn’t fail to notice how her mouth hung open in fascination. Sinilip ko si Ryo na nakangiti pa rin at itinuro iyong pangalan naming magkatapat na nasa papel imbes na magsalita.
“Ah, 39 po,” sabi nung babae at inabutan kami ng cut-outs na hugis heart, kagaya nung nilalaro kanina ni Ryo. Hindi mapakali ang mata niya, na parang hindi alam kung aasikasuhin ba muna kami o tititig lang kay Ryo na nakangiti sa kaniya.
She handed me a small bouquet, similar to what the other bride-to-bes have.
“Thank you,” Ryo said cheerily, the sides of his eyes crinkling as he smiled wider. I clearly saw the woman’s face turned pink. I tugged on Ryo’s hand, prompting him to walk with me nearer to the entrance.
“Artista ba ’yon? Parang pamilyar,” I heard her tell her workmate.
Inangat ko ang tingin kay Ryo na walang kamalay-malay. I feel like he was a walking ball of energy, and if I were to let go of his hand, he would be bouncing off the walls and skipping his way towards the hall.
“Dapat nag-child star ka,” I told him. We were ushered to fall in line. The number on the paper cutouts we were holding said 39, so we’re nearer to the end of the line.
“Hm?” he asked. I shook my head and didn’t bother to repeat what I said. Mukhang walang pumapasok sa isip niya. I was afraid his face would rip if he wouldn’t stop smiling.
“Ano nga?” he asked, chuckling. Luminga ako sa paligid at hinanap sina Nanay. Hindi naman na gaanong kataas ang araw, pero sa dami ng tao ay medyo mainit. I hope this doesn’t take long so we could get inside the air-conditioned hall already.
“Wala. You look happy,” I replied after seeing my parents being escorted by some of the municipality staff.
“Masaya nga ako,” sagot niya kasabay ng pisil sa aking kamay.
“Ipahinga mo naman ’yang ngiti mo,” I said. Napanguso siya saglit pero bumalik din agad ang ngiti.
“’Di ko kaya, Kie,” he laughed, “Hayaan mo na.”
Mabuti na lang at hindi high heels ang suot ko. We had to wait a little longer because of a few late comers, at binrief pa ulit kami kada pares tungkol sa gagawin. Kumaway sa ’kin si Cali na nasa kabilang pila para sa mga bisita. Raiko’s sleeping against Nate’s chest. My parents were reading a pamphlet of the program. Tita’s fanning herself, and Tito’s holding an umbrella for them. Parang ayaw ko ngang maniwala. I couldn’t believe I made Tita fall in line and wait in a crowded place… but maybe she did it for Ryo. Paid-off naman siguro dahil hindi na talaga nabura ang ngiti ni Ryo mula noong nagkita kami kanina.
“Kailan tayo uuwi?” I asked Ryo. I could hear the music from inside the hall. The lines were strictly controlled for a smoother flow of events.
“Mga two days before grad ni Raianne, okay lang ba? Tapos magpapa-schedule na rin ako ng check-up ni Raiko, gusto mo?”
I looked at him in awe. Baka next time, siya na ang nag-aayos ng schedule ko. I know we have to go to the doctor for Raiko’s check-up pero hindi ko pa nga iyon pinaplano. Ni hindi ko naisip na isabay ’yon sa uwi namin para sa grad ni Raianne.
“Sure, let’s do that,” I answered, but it seemed like he didn’t hear me. He tiptoed as if trying to see how far we were to the entrance. I chuckled.
“Malapit na, Ryo. ’Wag ka nang tumingkayad,” I whispered. Pasimple kong tiningnan iyong nasa likuran namin. Ryo’s towering over them. Kung may araw lang siguro, baka sumilong na sila sa anino ni Ryo.
“Excited na ako e.” He snickered. I sighed. Hindi talaga halata. Kulang na lang ata, umuna na siya roon sa harapan para hintayin ako.
The music was getting louder as the line got shorter. Ryo’s practically bouncing beside me, my hand holding his keeping him in place. Nagulo na nga nang kaunti ang buhok niya sa sobrang likot. Lagi naman siyang ganito. Whenever he’s excited, he would buzz with so much energy.
I couldn’t tell if the flowers were real or artificial, but they were all over the place. The heavy drapes of yellow, white, and gold cloth by the entrance were adorned with white flowers and yellow ribbons. I swallowed back a squeak when Ryo’s hold on my hand tightened.
“Malapit na,” I said and gently tugged on his hand. His eyes were bright with the reflected LED lights from inside the hall. He nodded eagerly.
The municipality hired a photographer. We stopped on cue for a picture. When we were signalled to walk to our seats, saka lang napasimangot saglit si Ryo.
“Isa lang?” he asked while we were walking. We were assigned to the fourth row near the aisle. Nasabihan na kami roon pero muntikan na kaming lumagpas dahil wala talagang pakialam si Ryo kung saan kami pupunta, at nagpapadala naman ako. A staff accompanied us to our seats to make sure that we wouldn’t wander elsewhere.
“Your mom’s a photographer,” I reminded him.
He pouted. “Unang picture natin ’yun sa album ko.”
There were eleven more pairs. We had to wait for all of them to get in their places before we could sit. Kahit na naka-kitten heels lang ako ay hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng ngalay. I pressed the side of my head on his arm, careful not to ruin my hair, and let him shoulder a bit of my weight.
“Upo ka na?” I heard him ask. Natawa ako roon.
“Bawal pa umupo.”
“Upo ka na, ako bahala sa ’yo.”
I lifted my head off his arm and chuckled. Hindi mapakali ang leeg niya at kung saan-saan siya tingin nang tingin. Fragments of the pale orange auditorium lighting above our heads glimmered in his eyes. Hindi natitinag ang malapad niyang ngiti.
When we were asked to sit down, Ryo’s knees kept on moving. His foot kept on tapping the floor, parang kating-kati na namang tumayo. Nagsisipasukan na ang mga kasama ng mga ikakasal, but unfortunately, I couldn’t see my parents.
“’Wag kang malikot,” I whispered as someone called the mayor. His foot kept on tapping the floor, at ramdam ko ang likot niya dahil magkakakonekta ang upuan namin. I feel like the woman next to him could also feel his movements.
“Sorry,” he whispered before resting our intertwined hands on his knee to stop it from moving.
Hindi ako makapalakpak gaya ng sinabi sa amin dahil hawak-hawak niya pa rin ang kamay ko. Even the bouquet rests on my lap. Sumusunod ang mata niya kay Mayor na paakyat sa stage, habang ang tingin ko naman ay sumusunod lang sa kung saan siya papaling.
Of course Mayor had to deliver some kind of speech. Napahaba nga lang ata dahil mukhang naiinip na si Ryo at nagsisimula na ulit maglikot. He only stopped when he saw a camera pointed to our direction, probably the videographer in charge for the coverage.
“Smile ka, dali,” he said before gently pressing my hand. I smiled, but in my head, I wondered what would happen after this. For sure, this would be posted on the municipality’s public media platforms. Sakali mang mapasáma kami ni Ryo sa cut, ano’ng mangyayari? If the few hundred people around here weren’t able to recognize him, a lot of people from the internet would.
I shoved those thoughts to the back of my head. So what? Si Ryo nga, walang pakialam e.
Si Ryo ata ang unang tumayo nang sabihan kaming tumayo na. I left the bouquet on my seat so I could hold both of his hands. All the other couples were getting their pamphlets, and the other women were holding their bouquets. Ryo swinged his arms left and right, and because I was holding both his hands, nadadala rin ang akin.
“—at sabihin ang sumpaan ng pag-ibig—”
“Mabuti pala hiningi ko ang number mo noon,” he said, grin growing wider, “at mabuti na lang binigay mo.”
I smiled at the memory. “You told me to call you if I needed help.”
He chuckled loudly, not minding if the people at the first row would be able to hear him. “Buti na lang muntik ka na ma-late ng file ng scholarship mo.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, faking annoyance. His grin faded into a gentle smile, and I found myself smiling back.
“Sa mga binibini, tinatanggap niyo ba ang mga ginoo sa inyong harapan—”
“S’yempre,” si Ryo ang sumagot. Natawa ako roon.
“Binibini ka ba?” I asked. He pouted.
“’Oo’ naman talaga ang isasagot mo, ’di ba?” Nagtanong pa talaga siya. Parang kami lang ata ang nagdadaldalan sa row namin. Mabuti nga at hindi kami sinisita.
“Tinatanggap ba ninyo—”
“Opo,” sagot niya ulit. Napapalingon tuloy sa kaniya ’yong mga malapit sa ’min. Hindi naman kasi siya ang tinatanong!
“Sa ating mga ginoo, tinatanggap—”
“Oo na nga, Mayor,” aniya. Panay na ang tapik ng sapatos niya sa sahig, parang hindi na makapaghintay na matapos ’to.
“Binibigay ba ninyo ang inyong sarili bilang asawa—”
“Opo,” sagot na naman niya kahit hindi pa tapos ang tanong.
“Ryo,” natatawa kong saway. Nginisian lang niya ako.
“Ang bagal magbasa ni Mayor ng script e,” sabi niya. Napatingin tuloy sa kaniya iyong katapat namin ng upuan.
“Mga ginoo, pakilabas ang singsing.”
He let go of my right hand and hurriedly fished a box out of his pocket.
“Bigkasin ang pangalan ng iyong kasintahan habang isinusuot sa—”
“Kie,” tawag niya. “Nananaginip ba ako?”
My brows furrowed at that. I shook my head and let my right hand cup his cheek. His smile wavered. Bumagsak ang mata niya sa kaliwang kamay kong hawak niya. Mayor’s words remained a background noise.
“—bilang tanda ng pagmamahal at katapatan sa iyo.”
He slipped the ring on my finger. Hindi na siya nakangiti ngayon at kitang-kita ko ang namumuong luha sa gilid ng mata niya. Narinig ko na ang utos na kuhanin naming mga babae ang singsing.
This does feel like a dream.
“You think this is a dream, Ryo?” I asked and got his ring from the pocket of my dress.
“You are the dream, Frankie.” I held his slightly trembling left hand. “Kayo ni Raiko.”
Nawalan na ako ng pakialam sa sinasabi ni Mayor nang makitang pumatak na ang luha ni Ryo. I carefully slipped my hand away from his grip to cup both of his cheeks and wipe his tears away, not minding if there were other couples who could be watching us, nor if any camera lenses were facing our way. He gently grabbed my right hand and removed it from his face. Pinasadahan niya ng laylayan ng manggas ang mga mata bago ibaba ang kaliwang kamay ko. The orange lights made his nose look a little red. He held my hand again.
“—sa kapangyarihan na ipinagkaloob sa akin ng batas at sa harap ng inyong mga piniling saksi—”
“Tagal,” I heard him croak. Nilingon niya ako at ibinalik ang ngisi. “Gusto ko na ng kiss.”
“Ayon sa batas, kayo ngayon ay mag-asawa na. Maari na kayong magpalitan ng halik—”
The rest of the Mayor’s lines were drowned with the clapping of the crowd. The smile that left Ryo’s lips earlier came back.
I took a step closer and tip-toed, meeting his lips halfway, feeling his smile as we kissed. I wasn’t sure if it was his tears or mine that I felt on my cheeks.
Under the glow of the huge auditorium lights, we shared our first kiss… as husband and wife.
* See you on the epilogue!
Epilogue: Congrats, Ryo!
#hhfmepilogue Epilogue Congrats, Ryo!
Almost three years later
“You’ll go here next week, Ryo.”
Hindi ako tumango, pero hindi rin ako umiling. Napatingin ako kay Raiko na pinipilit pagkasyahin sa bibig niya ’yung patayong apple slice. Nahihirapan tuloy siya. E puwede namang pahiga niya kainin para kasya sa bibig niya.
Hinayaan ko na lang. Bata e.
“Ryo!”
Bumalik ang mata ko sa screen ng laptop. “Opo,” napasagot ako bigla.
Nagagalit na naman sa ’kin si Tita. Kaya talaga sila magkasundo ni Mommy kasi ang hilig nila akong pag-initan.
Mukha namang kumalma-kalma na siya nang sumagot ako. HIndi naman ako sigurado kung pupunta ako sa office. Hindi naman ako kailangan do’n e. Saka mapapagod lang ako kababantay kay Raiko na gusto laging naglalakad paikot-ikot kapag nando’n kami.
“Bring Raiko,” pahabol niya.
Sinasabi na nga ba e.
“Sige po,” sagot ko na lang kaysa kumontra o tumanggi. Tinanguan lang ako ni Tita bago tapusin ang tawag. After two hours, nakapag-unat din at naitago na ang laptop.
Alam ko namang hindi ako ang gusto niyang makita sa office. Alam ko ring hindi ako ang gusto ni Tito na makita sa court. Ganoon din si Mommy na pinasusunod ako sa norte gawa ng shoot. Lalo na ang parents ni Frankie na kinukulit kaming umuwi.
Hindi ako ang gusto nilang makita kundi si Raiko. Ako lang talaga ang naiipit.
“Ayaw mo na nito?” tanong ko, tukoy ko sa saging na pinabalatan niya kanina. Naka-isang kagat lang ata siya tapos binitiwan na niya. Hindi ko na nasita dahil may meeting kami kanina.
“Tsk. Patay ka sa Mama mo niyan. Uubusin dapat ang food,” sabi ko, pero dinampot ko rin naman para ako na ang kumain. Hindi naman kasi talaga siya ang pagagalitan—ako. Sasabihin na naman ni Frankie na hinahayaan kong magsayang si Raiko ng pagkain.
Sobrang lawak ng bibig ni Raiko kapag ibubukas at kakainin ’yung hiwa-hiwang apple dahil patayo niya nga kinakain. Cute.
“Akin na nga, ganito kasi.” Inayos ko ang pagkakahwak niya sa apple at iginiya siyang ipasok iyon sa bibig niya. Hindi ko alam kung kanino niya natutuhan ’yung laging nakapatayo ang pagkain ’pag kakainin niya.
Isang beses, noong may dala si Raianne dito na fries, gano’n din niya kainin, kaya hirap na hirap siya. Ang nakakain lang tuloy niya, ’yung maiikli, o kaya pinuputol-putol niya. May kutob na akong si Daddy ang nagturo pero itatanggi naman niya ’yon pag tinanong ko.
“Lalabas ba tayo?” tanong ko. Hindi kami nausuhan ng baby talk sa bahay. Ayaw ni Frankie. Gusto niya, diretso ang pagsasalita kapag kakausapin si Raiko.
At siyempre, assignment ko na iyong tutor-an ’yung bata araw-araw. Sabi nga ni Cali, baka raw pinupuwersa namin masyado ang bata. Pero mukhang hindi naman affected si Raiko masyado. Maaga siyang tuwid na nagsalita at marunong na ng ilang words sa English.
“Yes,” tumatango-tango niyang sagot. Patayo na naman ang hawak niya ro’n sa huling apple slice kahit inayos ko na kanina. Napailing na lang ako pero hinayaan na lang. Kinuha ko ang mangkok at mabilis na hinugasan. Para pag-uwi ni Frankie, wala na siyang iintindihin.
Hindi namin kinuha ’yong apartment na dapat ay tutuluyan namin. Hindi talaga pumayag si Mommy. Halos mag-iiyak na nga sa tapat ni Frankie para lang hindi kami ro’n tumira. Kaya ’yon, dito kami napunta sa rent-to-own subdivision. Mas safe at mas maayos. Mas praktikal din.
At dahil halos patapos na kami sa hulog sa laki ng in-advance ko, halos magkamatay na ata si Frankie katatrabaho. Ayaw ko namang patigilin dahil ’yon ’yung gusto niyang gawin. Sobrang aga niyang nagigising at hindi na sumasabay sa ’min ng tulog minsan. Kung hindi ko pa ata pagagalitan, hindi pa magpapahinga. Siya ang sumasagot sa water at electric bill buwan-buwan kaya matipid kami ni Raiko sa bahay. Hati naman kami sa groceries. Kung ako ang nagbabayad ng kuryente, ayos lang kahit maghapon bukas ang TV. Pero hindi e. Ni bente pesos ata ayaw tanggapin ni Frankie kapag galing sa ’kin.
Natanggap siya ro’n sa pinag-apply-an niya kaya lumipat na siya. Minsan, isang buong araw siyang wala, lalo na kapag may event silang iko-cover. ’Pag Sunday lang siya walang work. Tuwing Linggo, kung hindi siya natutulog, sila ni Raiko ang magkasama. Echapuwera na ang asawa the whole day. Ang gabi lang ang napupunta sa akin.
“Halika, wash ka na ng hands mo.” Ang lagkit na kasi ng kamay niya, panigurado. Wala ba naman kasing ginawa kundi kumain habang nasa meeting ako. Kaya ’yung pisngi niya, lobong-lobo talaga. Napapagalitan ako ni Frankie kapag pinipisil ko. Yung braso nga ni Raiko, parang pinagdugtong-dugtong na longganisang matataba. Puro layers.
“Hubarin mo muna ’yan,” tukoy ko sa bag niya. Umiling siya at nilahad lang ang kamay nang nasa banyo na kami. Hindi niya pa kasi abot ang lababo.
Ever since Raianne gave him that, ayaw na niyang pakawalan. Kapag tulog lang ata saka ko natatanggal sa balikat niya ang straps. Pagkagising niya, at pagkaligo, isusuot na niya ulit. Wala namang laman ’yung bag, gusto lang niyang isuot. Baka gawa ng design.
“Baka mabasâ,” sabi ko. Mukha siyang tutubi dahil tutubi ’yung bag niya na may pakpak.
“No.” Inilingan niya ako. Nagbuntonghininga na lang ako at tumango.
Dahil nabasâ nang kaunti ang suot niya, kailangan ko siyang palitan ng damit. Hindi ko alam paano huhubarin ang t-shirt niya dahil ayaw niyang tanggalin ’yung bag sa likod.
“Papalit ka lang ng damit, tapos isusuot mo na ulit ’yan,” paliwanag ko. Ang problema kay Raiko, mas nakikinig siya sa Mama niya, e mas mabait naman ako sa kaniya.
“Ayaw.”
“Paano tayo lalabas? Hubad ka? O basâ ’yang t-shirt mo?” tanong ko. Mukhang napaisip siya roon.
Napangibit ako. “Magagalit Mama mo, pagagalitan tayo.”
Saka lang niya inalis ang pagkakasukbit ng bag. Tingnan mo ’tong batang to.
Isa pa sa ayaw ni Frankie ay kapag hindi terno ang suot ni Raiko. Magkakapares naman talaga ang lahat ng damit niya, pero minsan kapag tinutupi, nagkakahalo-halo. Kaya kapag dadamitan na, wala naman akong pakialam kung anong madampot ko. Pero ayaw nga ni Frankie ng gano’n kaya hinahanap ko lagi ang katerno.
Nagpalit lang ako saglit ng damit bago kami umalis. Nilagay ko sa bag niya ang wallet at bimpo niya. Siniguro kong nai-lock ko nang ayos ang bahay bago kami lumabas. Mamaya pa naman uuwi si Frankie.
Sa may gate ng subdivision, may mga nagtitinda. Wala naman kaming ibang puwedeng puntahan ni Raiko kundi roon at sa court. Inilalabas ko siya tuwing hapon para masinagan naman ng araw kahit papaano. Mamaya, tatamarin na siya maglakad kaya magpapabuhat na lang pero ayaw pang umuwi. Ang bigat na nga niya. Nananakit na ang likod ko minsan.
Hindi na ako bumalik sa laro. Ni hindi na nga ako makatakbo araw-araw gawa ni Raiko. Kapag natiyempuhan na nasa mood siya, umaga kami lalabas at maglalakad paikot ng subdivision. Hindi ko naman siya puwedeng paupuin sa gilid ng court habang tumatakbo ako dahil hindi naman siya pipirmi talaga. Lagot ako kay Frankie kapag nasugatan si Raiko nang dahil lang sa gano’n.
“Ihaw!” sabay turo niya roon sa nagbebenta ng inihaw. Umiling ako. Iyon na nga ang ulam namin kagabi, pero mukhang wala siyang kasawaan.
“Hindi puwede, kumain na tayo niyang kahapon. Bukas naman,” sabi ko. Agad siyang sumimangot at tumigil sa paglalakad. Kung tingnan niya ako, parang ang laki ng kasalanan ko sa kaniya. Sa akin lang naman siya ganito. Kapag si Frankie ang nagsabi ng bawal, sumusunod naman siya nang walang angal.
“Bukas, bibilhan kitang marami. Iba na lang ngayon,” alok ko. Hindi man lang siya tumango pero nagpatuloy na sa paglalakad. Ang liit-liit ng kamay niyang hawak ko, pero ang bibintog ng daliri niya.
“One lang,” sabi niya nang makalapgpas kami. Talagang nag-offer pa. Akala ko lusot na e.
“Ilan ’yung one sa fingers mo?” Araw-araw na ’tong gawain. Tanong ng numbers, simpleng math, o kaya colors. Pinakita niya sa ’kin ’yung mataba niyang pinky sa kaliwang kamay.
“One lang,” pagpupumilit niya. Kaya ano pa nga ba ang nangyari? Bumalik kami at binili ko siyang isang hotdog para lang manahimik.
“Last na ’yan. Wala na bukas, ha?” paalala ko sa kaniya. Tumango lang siya. Umuumbok ang pisngi niya kada ngumunguya.
Literal na umikot lang naman talaga kami. May groceries pa naman sa bahay. Sabi rin ni Frankie, dadaan siya mamaya sa supermarket at mag-uuwi ng gulay kaya may puwede namang lutuin. Kapag lang wala, saka kami bumibili ng ulam dito.
Pagkakain na pagkakain ni Raiko, tinamad na siyang maglakad at nagpabuhat na. Kawawa na naman ang balakang ko.
“May bibilhin tayo?” tanong ko sa kaniya. Nakaakbay ang isa niyang braso sa may batok ko. Pagala-gala ang tingin niya sa mga tindahan. Kahit na hindi siya nakatungo, may double-chin na siya. Kitang-kita ko mula sa ganitong anggulo.
“Ice kim,” aniya at may itinurong tindahan.
“Ice cream,” pagtatama ko.
“Ice kim,” ulit niya. Medyo nahihirapan pa siya sa R sounds. Kung hindi man nawawala ang R, nagiging W o L naman. Kahit nga pangalan niya, kung hindi Waiko, Laiko ang bigkas niya.
“Anong flavor?” tanong ko sa kaniya pagkabukas ng freezer.
“Cheese,” sagot niya. Nilapag ko siya sagit sa sahig para makapaghanap ako ng cheese flavor. Pilit niyang sinisilip iyong ginagawa ko. Medyo mataas kasi ang freezer kaya hindi niya makita. Sinaway ko siya nang ipatong niya ang pisngi niya sa kanto ng freezer.
“Wala atang cheese, baby,” sabi ko sa kaniya kahit na iyong isang stack palang naman ang chine-check ko. Sigurado akong mayroon kung maghahanap pa ako.
Sumimangot na naman siya. Gusto ko na kasing umuwi. Magwawalis pa ako saglit bago umuwi si Frankie.
“Favowit ni Mama,” aniya. Napatigil ako ro’n.
Ito na nga, maghahanap na nga ng cheese.
Pagkabili namin ng ice cream, umuwi na kami. Nilagay ko agad ang ice cream sa freezer para hindi matunaw. Pinanood ko si Raiko na ibalik ’yung sapatos niya sa shoe rack sa may pinto. Nakakatuwa kasi siyang panoorin. Para siyang bolang naglalakad. Kahit ’yung legs niya, bilugin.
Naghihilamos ako pagkatapos magwalis nang maramdamang may humihila sa t-shirt ko. Pinatay ko saglit ang gripo at nilingon si Raiko.
“Milk.”
“Oo, do’n ka muna sa salas.”
Saulado ko na naman siya. Tuwing uuwi kami, automatic na ’yong magpapatimpla siya ng gatas. Kapag gising siya, hindi ko na siya sa botehan niya tinitimplahan, sa baso na. Bilin ’yon sa ’kin ni Frankie, tutal ay malapit na rin namang mag-three years old si Raiko.
Nakahiga nga siya sa gitna ng sofa. Nilapag ko muna ang baso niya sa center table at binuksan ang TV. Paglingon ko sa kaniya, nakaupo na siya at hawak na ang remote. Bukod sa tutubi bag niya, ’yung remote ang kulang na lang ay idikit na niya sa kamay niya.
“Akin na,” tukoy ko sa remote. Umiling siya sa ’kin. Akala niya naman ililipat ko ’yung TV. Edi nag-iiyak siya. Baka maabutan pa kami ni Frankie nang ganoon.
“Pa’no ka magdi-drink ng milk mo kung hawak mo ’yan?”
Imbes na ibigay sa’ kin ang remote, nilagay niya sa kabilang gilid niya bago kuhanin ’yung baso. Ayaw talaga niyang ipahawak sakin.
Kaya ang ending, imbes na nakakapanood ako ng game, stuck ako sa cartoons. Araw-araw. Saulado ko na nga ’yung mga opening at ending songs at kilala ko na lahat ng characters.
Pagkaubos niya ng gatas niya, nagpalipas na lang kami ng oras sa panonood habang naghihintay kay Frankie. Nakaunan siya sa hita ko, suot pa rin ang bag, at yakap ang remote.
Maya-maya lang ay may kumatok na sa pinto. Umupo na si Raiko at tumayo naman ako para pagbuksan si Frankie. Sinalubong ako ng groceries na bitbit niya na inabot niya agad sa ’kin bago siya halos magtatakbo papasok. Siyempre hindi siya sa ’kin didiretso, doon sa bubwit sa salas. Tinanggap ko na ’yon, matagal na.
Nilapag ko muna sa kusina ang inuwi ni Frankie. Nagkikilitian na sila sa salas, naririnig ko. Dinampot ko ang sapatos ni Frankie at nilagay sa shoe rack.
Halos maitulak ko ang shoe rack nang may bumangga sa likuran ko. Pagpihit ko para harapin siya ay leeg ng t-shirt ko agad ang nahagilap niya. Mabilis niyang dinampian ng halik ang labi ko.
Pupuwede naman akong yumuko, pero ang hilig niyang higitin ang leeg ng damit ko para lang maabot ako nang puwersahan. Kaya ang mga pambahay ko, medyo nadidisporma.
“May ice cream diyan,” sabi ko sa kaniya. Ngumiti siya sa akin. Mukha siyang hindi masyadong pagod ngayon. Buti naman.
“Yup. Raiko told me,” she replied. Binalik niya ang mahigpit na pagkakayakap sa ’kin. Sinulit-sulit ko na habang hindi pa lumilitaw ’yong bubwit.
“What do you want to eat? I’ll cook.”
Naningkit ang mata ko sa kaniya. May maganda bang nangyari sa opisina ngayon? Masyado siyang energized, hindi ako sanay. O baka may pinaplano siyang kung ano?
“Ako na. Magpahinga ka na lang,” sagot ko bago ibaon ang ilong sa buhok niya. Kupas na ang amoy ng pabango niya.
Maya-maya lang ay may lumitaw nang bubwit na nakatingala sa amin. Gutom na naman ata.
Ako na nga ang nagluto. Cartoons pa rin ang nasa TV. Nakatutok na ulit sa laptop niya si Frankie habang kumakain naman ng ice cream si Raiko sa tabi niya.
Halos ganito lang naman araw-araw. Puwera na lang kung may bisitang mambubulabog. Dinadala ni Cali ’yung anak niya minsan dahil wala raw kalaro. Minsan, ’pag maisipan ni Raianne, kukuhanin niya si Raiko at papasyal nang sila lang dalawa. Pag-uwi, kung ano-ano na namang dala. Hindi na nga namin alam ni Frankie kung saan ilalagay ’yong mga pinagbibibili ni Raianne. Sabi ko kay Raianne iwanan na lang sa bahay lahat ng toys na binibili niya e.
Dalawa ang kuwarto sa bahay na nakuha namin, pero hindi pa naman namin puwedeng hayaan si Raiko mag-isa kaya magkakasama kami sa iisang kuwarto. Pansamantala, ginawa lang naming tambakan ng gamit ’yung isa. Dahil malikot si Raiko matulog, nakakutson lang kami sa sahig at walang bed frame. Nakakatakot kasi na baka malaglag si Raiko.
Tulog na tulog na si Raiko habang maingat na tinatanggal ni Frankie ang drawstring bag na tutubi na nadaganan na. Tumayo siya saglit pagkatapos para siguro ilagay sa kusina ’yong botehan ni Raiko at itago ’yong bag. Habang wala siya, sinundot-sundot ko ang pisngi ni Raiko. Ang taba-taba talaga. May baby pics ako at hindi naman ganito kalaki ang pisngi ko noon. Saka, umimpis din kaagad ’yung akin. Si Raiko, parang patanda nang patanda, palobo nang palobo ang mukha.
“’Wag mo ngang ganyanin.” Hindi ko namalayang nakabalik na si Frankie. Isang huling pisil sa braso ni Raiko at tinigilan ko na. Baka mapagalitan ako.
Sa pagitan namin ni Raiko siya humihiga. Natatakot kasi siya na baka raw madaganan ko ang braso ng bata. Kinumutan niya ako bago humiga nang ayos sa tabihan ko.
“Baka magising si Kuya Raiko,” dagdag niya. Tumango ako at pumikit na. Ayaw niya talagang pinipisil-pisil ang bata.
Napamulat ako bigla nang may pumasok sa isip. Anong Kuya?
Bumungad sa ’kin ang ngiti niya. Ganito ba naman ang lagi kong makikita bago ako matulog, kung hindi ba naman ako good mood pagkagising. Kaya kahit paulit-ulit ang araw, hindi nakakasawa.
“Anong sinabi mo?” tanong ko. Napalakas pa nga kaya pinatahimik niya agad ako. Lalo lang niyang inilapit ang katawan sa ’kin bago ipulupot ang mga braso sa baywang ko. Maingat kong idinantay ang isang binti sa ibabaw ng kaniya. Ang laki-laki ng kutson, pero magkabuhol kami rito. Wala naman akong reklamo.
“Congrats, Ryo,” bulong niya kasabay ng magaang halik sa ’king leeg, “I think Lyra’s on the way.”
( fin )
author’s note
wala akong masabi. akalain mo yon tapos na? hahahaha salamat!☻
#HHFM
facebook: Yna Mari facebook group: ynativithings g-mail, twitter, instagram, curiouscat: ynativity store: shopee.ph/ynativity
•••
Special Chapter 01
FRANKIE
“Sorry, Cali.” I watched as she wore her strappy sandals. Bitbit niya ang bag niyang may lamang damit na isusuot niya bukas. I asked her if I could have the apartment alone with Ryo tonight, and she immediately agreed. I thought it was unfair because we’re sharing the rent, pero sabi niya ay ayos lang naman daw. I reminded myself to get her lunch tomorrow.
“Ano ka ba!” natatawa niyang sabi habang kina-clasp ang sandals niya. “Ayos nga lang.”
I sighed. She stood up and gave my shoulders a gentle squeeze. She looked worried. Kahit pa gaano kasigla ang boses niya, alam kong kagaya ko siyang nangangamba. I forced myself to smile.
“Pero what time ako puwede bumalik dito?”
I honestly didn’t know the answer to that. “Puwede naman sa morning,” sagot ko na lang dahil nakakahiya nga na sosolohin namin ni Ryo ’tong apartment.
Tumango-tango siya. “Sige.” Her worried stare lingered at me for a while. She laughed and shook her head, and I tried to smile. Cali’s aware of what’s happening. I was sure that all my silent sobs at night weren’t really… silent. I probably kept her up all night. Hindi lang siya nagsasabi.
“So…” Umikot ang paningin niya sa paligid. “Iwan na kita, ha?”
“Can I call you if…” Tumaas ang dalawa niyang kilay. The fat bags under her eyes told me that she needs some decent sleep. Baka ’pag tinawagan ko siya, masira ko ang tulog niya. Hindi na naman siya makakatulog nang dahil na naman sa ’kin.
“Kapag?”
“If things get ugly,” I wanted to say, but I didn’t. If Ryo doesn’t show up. I hate that I was entertaining those possibilities… but I also just couldn’t ignore the fact that it could happen.
Nginitian lang niya ako nang hindi ako sumagot. She reached for my shoulder and gently squeezed it again. “Call me anytime, Frankie. Malakas ka sa ’kin, alam mo ’yan.”
I smiled. This time, it was genuine. “Thanks, Cal.”
When Cali left, I kept myself busy by cooking. Ryo and I have a scheduled dinner for tonight, but I wasn’t in the mood to eat out. Plus, I was scared to wait for hours in front of a restaurant… only for him to not show up.
Just like what happened last week.
Plus, I really wanted to spend some time alone with him. Maybe we could hold hands and kiss. Maybe we could watch a movie and cuddle. Maybe we could sleep beside each other and talk about our day.
Then I realized that I had no idea what he did today… and yesterday.
Ever since we graduated, things got messy. The disappointment with that case with Talie still hurts, but I chose to believe Ryo. I knew who I loved, and he couldn’t lie to me with those pleading eyes of his.
I was never the nagging girlfriend. I understood how his schedule works, and I didn’t want to contribute to his pile of stress. Even if I were his last priority, I wouldn’t make it a big deal. It’s okay. At least I know that I still have him.
But recently, I’ve been seeing him less. I rarely see him to the point that there would be days when he wouldn’t even cross my mind. It’s like I was growing accustomed to not having him around, and it scared me. I couldn’t believe that I was actually forgetting that I have a boyfriend. I felt really bad about it.
Some days, he wouldn’t even text. Or kapag magte-text siya, gabing-gabi na at tulog na ako. Kapag magre-reply ako sa umaga, kinagabihan na ulit siya tutugon. It was like we were having a long distance relationship, which didn’t make sense because he was just a few kilometers away.
I understand that he has a lot on his plate… but would it really be too much to spare some time for his girlfriend?
And… he told me that we would make it work. I told myself that normalcy would be restored in a few weeks. I have forgiven him regarding what happened with Talie. All that we needed to fix were matters solely between us two.
Pero hindi ko naman maramdaman na babawi siya. I’ve set up dates, freed up my schedule, and sacrificed my hours of sleep just to talk to him. But whenever we’re together, it’s just different. It felt like something was keeping us apart. How could we fix things when we’re apart?
It felt like he’s growing cold and distant. And I kept on asking myself if I were starting to be the nagging girlfriend that I’ve been afraid of being. Things just didn’t feel the same. I was afraid to hold his hand, nor even merely lean on his shoulder. And it sounded crazy because I was still his girlfriend.
Sometimes, it felt like he didn’t want to go out with me. Like he would rather be anywhere but beside me. Which made me feel like I was demanding too much of his time.
Our conversations were starting to feel rehearsed and repetitive. Puro bati lang sa umaga at gabi. I would consider myself lucky if ever he checks on me in the middle of the day. And when we’re together, we talk like we’re strangers. Like we’re two random adults who met awkwardly at a pub. But we’re not. We’re a couple in a four-year long relationship who’s trying to patch things up.
What scared me the most was that night when I looked at him and I had to ask myself if he’s the same guy whom I said yes to four years ago.
He promised me that we’ll make things work… but it didn’t feel like it.
I hated that I was starting to think that he’s not interested in making us work. I told myself that maybe I was just being paranoid, and Ryo was just plain busy.
And I just really, really miss him.
I checked my phone at around 8 in the evening. Hindi pa siya sumisipot. I waited for 30 more minutes because our agreement was to meet at 8:30.
Pumatak na ang 9:30 pero wala pa siya.
He did send a text, telling me to eat ahead because he would be late. I sighed and stood up from the worn out couch. For a moment, I stood in front of the dining table and thought of putting the food inside the fridge.
Baka kasi hindi na naman siya dumating.
It was raining outside. Inisip ko na lang na baka kaya siya sobrang late ay dahil umuulan. Hinayaan ko ang pagkain sa mesa at naghintay na lang.
It didn’t even hurt anymore, because I’ve already gotten used to it. The pain turned to plain disappointment, then it fizzled out to… nothing. It didn’t hurt and I wasn’t disappointed. I was just… tired.
I took a seat in the dining area. I imagined Ryo in front of me, before he actually showed up at around 10 in the evening.
“Ryo,” I called.
I wouldn’t be surprised if I was still imagining things, but he took off his jacket and placed it on the backrest of a chair. “Kie.”
His eyes scanned the table. “Sabi ko kumain ka na, ah?”
I watched him as he sat across me. Looking at him made me want to cry. He’s literally just a few steps away from me but it felt like he’s still away.
I couldn’t even feel my hunger anymore. I was already tired and I just wanted to sleep. My chest hurt because I couldn’t complain. And then a thought crossed my mind which made things worse.
Mahal pa ba ako nito?
“It’s late,” I told him.
“Sorry.” Even his apology sounded like an automated response. I pursed my lips and waited for a longer, more detailed explanation. I would even take empty promises. Pero walang ganoon na dumating.
My heart ached for a bit. I didn’t want to doubt him, but I wondered if his sorry was even genuine. I really want to try and make this work, but he just seemed… disinterested. I wondered if he’s sick of this.
Worse, sick of me.
“You said that the other day,” I couldn’t help but comment. He bit his lower lip as he gazed at me worriedly. I waited for him to apologize again, even though I was starting to get sick of hearing it.
My fingers dug on my palm under the table. He looked so lost. Parang hindi niya alam kung ano ang sasabihin. Parang hindi niya nga maalala kung ano’ng nangyari no’ng isang araw.
I smiled, pretending that it’s okay. Maybe he just have a lot in his mind. “Nalimutan mo akong dalhan ng breakfast. I waited sa parking lot.”
I didn’t even eat lunch that day. Wala akong gana. Noong tinanong niya ako kagabihan kung kumain ako, um-oo na lang ako.
“Maaga kasi akong pinatawag…”
I nodded. His reasons started to sound like sorry excuses.
Dapat ay sabihan ko na siyang kumain na kami pero hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko rin naman alam kung makakakain ako nang ayos. The crushing weight on my chest was persistent and demanding.
When he sighed, it made me feel worse. He looked so tired. I wanted to lash out on him and tell him that he had no reasons to be mad when it seemed like he’s not even interested to patch things up with me.
Pero hindi ko ginawa. Maybe he’s trying. Maybe I was just being too much to handle.
Because I know that I wasn’t any better than him. Minsan, nawawalan na lang din ako ng pakialam kasi nakakapagod na. Nakukuntento na lang din ako na lagi siyang malayo. Na kapag gusto niya, nandito siya. ’Pag ayaw niya, wala. I was starting to appreciate his presence less. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang dapat kong gawin.
“Masaya ka pa ba sa akin?” he asked.
I blinked. Tumagos ang tingin niya sa akin. I averted my gaze and found it hard to answer.
I love Ryo. I know I still do.
But his question made sense. Masaya pa ba ako na ganito kami?
Masaya pa ba akong makita siyang hirap na hirap na sa amin?
Hindi ako makasagot. I know the answer, but it’s more painful now that I have admitted it to myself.
Ano nang nangyari sa amin?
“Ceskang,” he called me in that familiar, sweet tone, and I almost broke down. I rapidly blinked back the tears and smiled at him.
I haven’t heard him say my name like that in weeks now. I missed that.
“I love you, Ryo,” I reminded him. I took a good look at his weary face. The bag under his eyes looked like he hadn’t slept properly well in a while now. His mouth was set in a grim line. His eyes didn’t seem to be as alive as they were months ago.
Seeing how drastic things have changed made it hurt more. I couldn’t even remember the last time I saw him smile when he’s with me. And it’s tormenting to see him enduring the pain just to stay with me.
And I’m tired. I’m tired of being disappointed and being guilty about how I feel. I’m tired of seeing him like this. I don’t think I could make things better for us.
To answer his question earlier, I shook my head. “But I’m not happy anymore.”
He nodded. My hand reached for his, almost instantaneously. He kept on nodding as his eyes turned glassy. And it hurt to see how there weren’t any traces of shock in his face.
Like he knew that we would eventually fall apart like this.
“Hindi ka ba napapagod?” I asked, though I already knew the answer to that.
He shook his head. I thought he was going to tell me that we would try harder, or maybe even apologize for failing to keep me happy, but no.
“Walang nangyari sa ’min ni Talie,” he said, voice firm despite his shaky breath. I gently squeezed his hand as my heart stung excruciatingly.
This wasn’t even about her. Sa tingin ba talaga niya ay hindi ko siya kayang paniwalaan? Ano’ng tingin niya roon sa pangako naming aayusin namin, wala lang?
Amidst all my efforts and understanding, does he think my love for him is that shallow? Really?
“I do believe you. And this is not about Talie—”
He cut me off. “May tiwala ka pa ba sa ’kin?”
“Ryo!” My anger didn’t really mix well with the impending heartbreak. May tiwala ako sa kaniya. This isn’t about Talie.
It’s about me trying my hardest to keep him, yet always failing. It’s about him and his empty promises. It’s about how we’re both starting to grow unhappy with each other.
“Wala namang kinalaman ang ibang tao rito,” I explained. Akala ko tapos na kami sa usapang ’to. Hindi pa pala.
I withdrew my hand because it started to burn.
It just doesn’t feel the same anymore.
He looked defeated. I waited for him to say anything but he didn’t. He kept silent as he watched me with his tired, glassy eyes.
“Ryo.” He blinked. I swallowed back my sobs.
All our imagined plans came crashing right before my eyes.
I reminded myself that this is for the better.
I can’t keep him like this.
“I don’t think I want to do this with you anymore.” I don’t want him to stay unhappy with me, and I deserve to be happy, too.
“Ayaw ko na, Ryo.”
My view of him blurred as my tears started to well up. My heart was crushed upon seeing the tears rolling down his cheeks.
For a moment, I wondered if he would argue with me. If he would take me back. If he would get mad and yell at me for giving up.
If he wouldn’t allow for our break-up to happen.
And I wondered what I would do if he refused to break up with me. Papayag ba ako? Will I take back what I said, hug him, and apologize?
Heck, at this point, I don’t even know what I want.
I just want us to be happy and stay together, but that didn’t seem like an option anymore.
But he didn’t bother to argue. Instead, he nodded. “Okay.”
I pushed back my chair as my tears fell. Instead of running to him, I forced my feet to take me inside Cali and I’s shared room. Upon hearing his agreement, I found my answer.
I didn’t want him to break up with me. But I know that we need to.
Pero pumayag siya… which made me think if he really wanted to break up, or if he knew that we just needed to.
For a few moments, I stood in the middle of the dark room. I wiped my tears away with my palm to dry my cheeks, but my efforts were futile. My tears wouldn’t stop running.
The thought that Ryo wanted to break up with me felt like a slash on my heart.
I picked up the pile of his shirts in my cabinet and hurriedly put it in the plastic bag.
Hinihintay lang ba niyang mauna akong umayaw? All this time, kaya ba parang wala siyang ka-effort-effort ay dahil ayaw na niya talaga?
Did he make those empty promises on purpose just to tire me out and force me to end this relationship?
Noong una pa lang, ginusto niya ba talagang magkaayos kami? O matagal na ba kaming tapos para sa kaniya?
What about his promise that we would be better? Did it not mean anything to him?
God, I was so stupid.
I marched out of the room and found him wearing his jacket. All my emotions were at an all time high all at once, and it was making my head spin. I wanted to scream and tell him that I miss him, that I’m sorry, that I hate him, that I love him.
But I stopped myself upon seeing how he looked at me coldly as I handed him his clothes. “Go home,” I whispered.
He let out a shaky breath. He stared at me with bloodshot eyes and I almost didn’t recognize him.
“Ayaw na kitang makita ulit,” he said, looking me in the eye, and I couldn’t believe that with a few words, he was able to break me more.
“Okay,” I managed to reply. I turned away from him. With every step, I hoped that he would at least call my name, and give me a proper apology rather than a half-assed sorry. I looked over my shoulders and saw him walking away.
He didn’t even look back. He didn’t even hesitate when he walked out the door.
And when he was gone, I realized that when I told him that I love him, he didn’t even bother to say it back.
Special Chapter 02
RYO
“’My, tahan na kasi,” pang-ilang ulit ko nang pakiusap kay Mommy na hindi na tumigil ang luha. Magkatabi kami ni Mommy sa backseat at kanina pa siya iyak nang iyak sa balikat ko. Pinatay naman ako ni Daddy sa sama ng tingin mula sa shotgun seat.
Hindi kami sinipot ni Tatay—tatay ni Frankie. Sabi na nga ba’t may mangyayaring hindi maganda. Naisip ko na iyon noong ayaw niyang nasa bahay si Frankie kapag pupunta ang parents ko. He probably did not want Frankie to interfere.
Sigurado akong kapag nandoon si Kie, hindi iyon papayag na malamig ang trato sa amin ng tatay niya.
Masyado iyong dinamdam ni Mommy. It was so awkward earlier. Kahit nga si Daddy ay hindi kayang magsimula ng usapan. In-entertain naman kami ni Nanay pero sobrang tahimik pa rin. Nagtanong lang si Nanay kung paano ang nangyari noong nanganak si Kie, pagkatapos ay nagpasalamat sa lahat ng gastos. Pagkatapos, tahimik na ulit. Walang gumalaw sa pagkain.
Ang tagal naming hinintay si Tatay na bumaba para makausap nina Mommy, pero walang ganoong nangyari.
Makalipas ang halos isang oras, si Nanay na ang nagsabi na hindi kami kakausapin ni tatay. My parents took that as a sign that they should go home.
Siyempre ako ang sinisisi ni Daddy. Hindi ko naman maipaliwanag na wala pa naman akong ginagawang mali mula noong nakarating kami ni Frankie rito. As much as possible, I keep my head low whenever Frankie’s father would come around.
Kinakausap naman ako ni Nanay. Kinausap nga ako agad noong makarating kami rito. Masyado nga lang siyang seryoso. She reminded me of how Frankie’s like whenever she’s in her work mode. Halos mangatal na ata ako sa upuan nang tanongin niya ako kung ano’ng plano ko sa pamilya ko ngayon.
I knew that she was waiting for me to say something about marrying their only daughter, pero hindi ko naman iyon maipangako agad. I have to ask Frankie first, kaya wala akong naisagot agad. She looked disappointed, but I told her that I have enough savings to buy a house for my family. Ang magic word na kailangan niya ay kasal, pero ang sinabi ko na lang ay hindi ko iiwan si Frankie. She let me off the hook after that.
Mahirap na kasi. Baka mamaya, ayaw pa ni Frankie, edi mas lagot ako dahil baka isipin ni Nanay na nagsinungaling ako sa kaniya. Ayaw ko namang ikasal lang kami ni Frankie dahil lang gusto ng magulang niya. Dapat gusto niya rin.
Nasanay na lanh din ako na ganoon talaga si Nanay. Hindi siya malambing. Mukha siyang masungit. Direkta siya lagi sumagot na parang ayaw kang kausap.
Pero si Tatay, sigurado akong totoong galit sa akin. Bago ako matulog noong dumating kami ni Frankie sa bahay nila, nag-isip na ako kung paano siya ia-approach. If I should be pushy and confident, at sasalagin ko na lang lahat ng galit niya sa akin, o dapat bang magpakabait at tahimik na lang ako. I told myself that I should do the former, pero noong nakita ko siya, wala na. Hindi ko kaya. Alam ko namang hindi niya ako lalagariin pero ganoon ’yung pakiramdam.
What made it more difficult was that Frakie’s more like her father. Alam kung ano ang gusto, at mahirap baguhin ang isip. Parang set na ang utak niya na hindi ako welcome sa pamilya nila. Ni hindi ako makabati ng ’good morning’ at nilulunok ko na lang. Sumusunod na nga lang ako sa lahat ng iuutos niya para hindi siya lalong magalit. Mukha naman kasing mabait siya, sadyang ayaw lang niya sa akin. Hindi ko rin masisi dahil nag-iisang anak niya si Frankie, at alam niyang naghiwalay kami. I would probably act the same if I were in his shoes.
“Ayusin mo ’yan, ha?” sabi ni Daddy nang ilapag ko ang handbag ni Mommy sa table. “Ayaw kong umiiyak ang Mommy mo.”
Napakamot na lang ako sa batok. Hindi naman ako pasaway e. Ang bait-bait ko na nga. Pero tumango na lang ako.
Kailangan talaga naming mag-usap ni Tatay. Mukhang wala naman siyang problema kay Raiko, sa akin lang talaga. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang gagawin para lang mabigyan ko siyang assurance na hindi ko iiwan ang mag-ina ko.
At good morning naman sa ’kin dahil wala si Frankie sa hapag kinabukasan. Sasabihin ko sanang hindi muna ako kakain dahil mukhang masama ang gising ni Tatay na nakaupo sa tapat ko, pero napaghain na ako ni Nanay. Parang ayaw nga akong pakainin ni Tatay dahil ginigisa niya ako sa sama ng tingin niya.
Hindi ko na alam kung saan ako lulugar. Kung hindi ko sinabi kay Frankie ang nangyari kahapon, magagalit siya sa akin. At kapag nagalit siya sa akin at nalaman ni Tatay na hindi kami okay, edi lalo akong bad shot.
At dahil sinabi ko nga kay Frankie para hindi ganoon ang mangyari, baka isipin naman ni Tatay na sumbungero ako sa anak niya.
Kahit tuloy habang nagliligpit ako ng pinagkainan, hindi ako mapakali. Ang bagal ko dahil pakiramdam ko mabibitiwan ko ang plato sa sobrang kaba. Ayaw ko namang mag-away ang mag-ama dahil sa akin.
Mabibiyak na ata ang bungo ko kaiisip kung paano ko ba mapalalambot ang Tatay ni Frankie.
Pag-akyat ko para sana masilip man lang si Raiko habang hindi pa ako inaalila ni Tatay, naabutan ko sila ni Frankie na magkausap sa kuwarto. Napatakbo tuloy ako papunta sa kuwartong pinagamit sa akin at nagpalakd-lakad doon. Hindi ko maalala kung kailan ba ang huling beses na kinabahan ako nang ganito. Parehas lang si Frankie at si Tatay e, nakakapanghina ng tuhod.
Malakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko habang umiinom ng kape si Tatay. Inutusan na naman niya akong ipagtimpla siya ng kape, e hindi ko naman alam kung paano ba ang gusto niyang timpla ng instant coffee at asukal. Mabuti naman at wala siyang reklamo dahil kumbinsido na akong kapag nilait-lait niya iyon, iiyak na ako sa frustration. Noong unang araw ko nga rito at nagkamali ako ng pagbaon ng pako roon sa kahoy, kung tingan niya ako, parang hinuhusgahan ang buong pagkatao ko. Marunong naman ako nu’n e. Sadyang kinakabahan lang ako dahil nanonood siya.
Wala nga sigurong sweet sa pamilya ni Frankie. Ito na ata ang mabait na version ni Tatay—hindi halatang mabait. Hindi naman na niya ako ginigisa masyado. Tahimik na lang din siya at kinakausap ako ’pag may kailangan, na parang hindi ako gustong palayasin noong mga nakaraang araw.
“Hawakan mo nang ayos,” mariing sabi niya. Imbes na sabihing hawak ko naman nang ayos at siya ’tong nakadanggil sa akin kaya medyo tumabingi, nanahimik na lang ako.
“Okay na,” aniya pagkatapos isulat sa maliit niyang notebook ang sukat ng isang panel na kahoy. Nananakit ata ang balakang niya kapag sa sahig gagawa, kaya ako ang ginawang tagabuhat at tagahawak ng kung ano-ano para ’di na siya yuyuko.
Nakatayo lang ako roon at naghihintay ng susunod na utos. Nilapag niya ang pulang ballpen at notebook sa monobloc chair bago ako harapin ulit. Napaayos ako ng tindig.
“Ano’ng height mo?” tanong niya. Sasagot na sana ako nang hagipin niya ang balikat ko at sinukat ang lapad ko gamit ang metro. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit bigla niya akong sinusukat.
Umangat ang dalawang kilay niya bago ako pakawalan. Sinulat niya ulit ang sukat sa notebook niya.
“Ang taas mo, sayang ka sa kahoy,” aniya at biglang natawa.
Hindi ako sigurado kung paano magre-react. Dapat bang makisabay ako sa tawa niya? E paano kung bigla niya akong tanungin kung bakit ako tumatawa tapos hindi ko siya masagot?
Tinuro niya ’yung nasimulan na niyang nakahigang aparador. Wala pa ’yung pinto. “Kapag sinaktan mo ulit ang anak ko, ako na ang gagawa ng kabaong mo.”
Nagtindigan ata lahat ng balahibo ko roon. Mas creepy kasi nakangiti pa siya. “Hindi kita ipalilibing. Lalagay kita diyan tapos palulutangin ko na lang sa dagat.”
Napalunok ako. Puta. Ano ba dapat ang response sa ganoong comment? Thank you? Noted? Okay po?
“Kaya ni Ceskang itaguyod mag-isa ang anak niya,” aniya, seryoso na ngayon. Tumango ako dahil alam ko namang tama siya. “Pinaalam niya sa ’yo dahil ’yon ang tama, pero hindi ka niyan binalikan dahil sa bata. Binalikan ka niyan dahil mahal ka niya.”
Lalo lang akong natahimik. Sinalo ko ang bungkos ng tali na pinulot niya sa sahig at binato niya papunta sa direksiyon ko. Hinanap ko ang nilalagyan niya ng mga tools para ilagay ’yon do’n. Hindi niya inutos pero alam ko nang ’yon ang gusto niyang gawin ko.
“Kaya sinasabi ko sa ’yo, ’wag kang padalos-dalos. Tatay ka na. Hindi na lang para sa ’yo lahat ng desisyong gagawin mo. Para sa anak at apo ko na rin.” Lumapit ulit siya papunta sa akin. Tumango ako dahil baka sabihan na naman niya akong mukhang tuod—na sinabi niya noong unang beses niya akong pinatulong dito at wala akong ginawa sa simula kundi manood.
Bumaba ang tingin ko sa martilyong hawak niya at napalunok. Ang tindig kasi ng Tatay ni Kie, laging mukhang naghahamon ng away. Mas nakakatakot siya kapag may hawak na kung anomang bagay na puwedeng makapanakit.
“Ano kayang nakita ng anak ko sa ’yo?” Nanliliit ang mata niya habang sinisipat ang mukha ko. “Hindi ka naman kaguwapuhan. Matangkad ka lang.”
Hindi na talaga ako tumugon. Hinayaan ko na lang siyang magsalita at hinanda ang sarili kung may insulto pang darating. Baka ganito lang talagang magpakita ng affection si Tatay—sa panlalait.
“Pakakasalan mo ba ang anak ko?” tanong niya.
“Kung kailan niya po gusto.”
Nagtagal ang tingin sa akin ni Tatay. Hindi ko talaga kayang um-oo dahil hindi lang naman dapat ako ang tinatanong nila.
Ako, siyemre gusto ko. Pero kung ayaw pa ni Frankie, wala naman akong magagawa. Frankie and I had planned to get married before, but she could have changed her mind, kaya hindi ako makasagot nang kongkreto ngayon. Basta kung kailan niya gusto, okay ako. Iyon ang masusunod.
Kung gusto niya ngayon na e.
“Huli mo na ’yan, ha?” Sinundan ko siya ng tingin. Kinuha niya ang walis tambo sa sulok at dali-dali akong nagpunta sa tabihan niya para hingin sa kaniya iyon. Pinanliitan niya ulit ako ng mata bago iabot sa ’kin ang walis. Baka kasi mamaya manakit pa ang balakang niya e. Tapos ako ang mapagbuntunan niya.
“Wala nang pangatlong tsansa. Kung maghihiwalay kayo, hiwalay na talaga. Ayaw ko ng ganiyang paiba-iba ang isip.”
Tumango ako. “Hindi ko po iiwanan si Frankie.” Masyadong mabigat kung sasabihin kong hindi kami maghihiwalay. It’s not like I’m wishing for that to happen, but if ever things went downhill in the near future and Frankie would choose to break up with me again, then I would let her go.
Pero siyempre hindi ko naman hahayaang mauwi ulit kami sa ganoon.
“Siguraduhin mo.” Tumango ako. “Bilisan mo diyan at kakain na tayo,” aniya bago ako iwan doon mag-isa.
Hindi na niya kailangang mag-alala kung iiwan ko ba ang mag-ina ko. There’s no way that I would let Frankie slip away from me again.
Napalingon ako sa ginagawa niyang aparador. Saka sa takot ko na lang na isiksik sa ganiyan ang bangkay ko at ipatpon sa dagat… ’di ko talaga iiwan si Frankie.
Special Chapter 03
RYO
“Bad, ’Addy,” sabay hampas niya sa braso ko ng wand niya. Nang makitang nayupi ’yong star sa dulo ng wand niya ay lalo lang sumama ang timpla ng mukha.
Paano naman ako naging bad? Inawat ko lang naman siya saglit sa paglalaro para punasan ang pawis niya sa likod.
Napapalatak ako bago kuhanin sa kaniya iyon para ayusin. Ang sama ng tingin niya sa akin. Parang kasalanan ko pa kung bakit nayupi ’yong wand niya e siya naman ’tong humampas sa ’kin.
“Ayan, okay na.” Binalik ko sa kaniya ang laruan. Nanunulis na ang nguso niya nang kuhanin sa akin iyon.
Tinawag siya ni Raianne mula sa salas kaya naman tinalikuran na niya ako. Padabog pa.
Napakamot na lang ako sa ulo. Mamumuti ata ang buhok ko nang maaga sa mga anak ko.
Pumunta ako sa salas at nadatnan si Lyra na paikot-ikot habang bini-video ni Raianne. Ginagawang laruan ni Raianne ang bunso ko. Sana lang ay hindi lumaking bratinella dahil sakit sa ulo no’n, panigurado.
Wala namang okasyon pero naka-tulle dress pa si Lyra. Tinadtad ni Raianne ng hair clips ang buhok niya at wala naman akong reklamo roon. Kapag kasi ako ang nag-aayos ng buhok ni Lyra, maya-maya lang, gulo-gulo na ulit. Buti itong naka-clip ang buhok niya kaya malinis pa ring tingnan.
Umupo ako sa katapat na couch at pinanood lang siyang magpaikot-ikot. Kapag siya nahilo mamaya, mag-iinarte na naman.
Tahimik lang si Raiko sa tabihan ko na nanonood ng TV. Big boy na e. Dito kami sa bahay magdi-dinner at hinihintay lang naming makauwi sina Frankie at Mommy.
“Lyra,” saway ko nang mapaupo na siya sa sahig. Ako na nga ang nahihilo sa kaka-paikot-ikot niya. Natatawang itinayo siya ni Raianne.
Inii-snob pa rin ako ng bunso ko. Iisang beses lang naman akong na-late na dalhin ’yong gusto niyang cake, nagkaganiyan na siya. Sabi ni Frankie, nagtatampo lang daw. Tulog na kasi si Lyra pag-uwi ko sa bahay at kinaumagahan na niya nadatnan ang cake na inuwi ko. Simula no’n, hindi na niya ako pinapansin kahit anong iuwi kong toys. Si Tita Raianne na lang niya lagi ang bida sa kaniya. E minsan, ’yong dala ni Rai, ako naman ang bumili.
Nadagdagan pa ata ang tampo niya nang makitang umiilaw ’yong sapatos na binili ko kay Raiko. Kaya ang ending, pumunta kaming mall para ibili rin siya. At kung mamalasin nga naman, walang pumasok sa paa niya. Sa akin na naman siya nagtampo. Parang kasalanan kong walang size niya sa department store.
Ang hirap maging tatay. Pagdating kay Lyra, parang lahat kasalanan ko.
“How?” tanong niya kay Raianne nang marinig niyang sumipol. Inulit ’yon ni Rai. Gumaya pa si Raiko.
“Ganito ka, baby,” sabay turo ni Raianne sa labi niya. Ginaya siya ni Lyra pero kita kong nahaharangan ng ngipin niya ang dapat ay lalabasan ng hangin. Nakanguso lang tuloy siya na parang magpapahalik.
Sumipol ulit si Rai. Nang gawin ni Lyra ’yon, walang tunog dahil wala ngang lalabasan ang hangin. Naging “shhh, shhh” lang tuloy.
“Mali,” natatawang sabi ni Raianne. Nakailang ulit sila roon kung paano ba sumipol. Pinanood ko lang silang magturuan, dahil alam kong mabilis ma-frustrate si Lyra. Noong isang beses ngang hindi namin matanggal ang ipit niya, mangiyak-ngiyak na siya dahil ayaw niyang matulog nang nakatali ang buhok.
Ganoon na nga ang nangyari. Lalo lang ata siyang na-stress nang makitang kaya ni Kuya Raiko niyang sumipol at siya lang ay may hindi alam. Humigpit ang kapit ng dalawang maliliit niyang kamay sa wand niya. Nangingilid na nga ang luha nang tumingin siya kay Kuya Raiko niya.
Napunta ang tingin niya sa akin, nakanguso pa rin at panay ang mangiyak-ngiyak na “shhh, shhh.”
Napangiti ako nang may maisip. “’Lika dito.”
Sumunod din naman siya agad. Nagta-try pa rin siyang sumipol pero hindi niya ata talaga makuha na hindi niya dapat pagdikitin ang ngipin niya para tumunog.
Binuhat ko siya at pinaupo sa hita ko. Itinuro niya gamit ang wand ang Kuya niyang nasa tabihan ko.
“Daddy, how?”
“Hindi rin maalam si Daddy e,” pagsisinungaling ko.
Pumaling ang bilugin niyang mga mata sa akin. Pinigilan kong matawa. Iiyak na siya e. Namumula pa naman ang mukha niya kapag umiiyak. Baka mamaya, madatnan pa ni Frankie. Mas malala, mapansin ni Mommy. E baka mamaya ako na naman ang ituro ni Lyra na may kasalanan kung bakit siya umiyak. Edi lagot ako.
Ginaya ko ’yong ginagawa niya kanina para may karamay siyang hindi marunong sumipol. Hanggang sa hindi na siya nangulit kung paano ba talaga sumipol at nakuntento na lang sa pag-shhh niya.
Hindi na siya umalis sa hita ko. Kahit nang kakain na, at puwede naman na siyang pumuwesto sa bukod na upuan, nanatili siyang nakakalong sa ’kin. Si Raianne na ang tinatapatan niya ng wand at wini-wish na maging frog. Kahit noong tinawag siya ni Frankie para ayusin ang tali ng buhok, hindi siya lumapit.
Kay Daddy lang daw siya dahil parehas kaming hindi marunong sumipol.
Jackpot. Kaso lang, kailangan kong alalahanin na hindi ako puwedeng marinig ni Lyra na sumipol. Kapag nabisto niyang nagsisinungaling ako, pahirapan na naman.
Special Chapter 04
originally posted on ik. putting this here for compilation purposes
RYO
“Papa.”
Napatigil ako sa pagtulak ng stroller. Akala ko tinatawag ako ni Lyra pero hindi pala. Panay lang ang ’Pa’ niya habang nagtitingin-tingin sa grocery.
Kung ako lang ang masusunod, kahit anong diaper na makita ko, kukuhanin ko. But since Frankie has the last say when it comes to groceries, tatlong beses ko nang inikot ’tong aisle para lang makuha iyong nasa instruction niya. Na hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin nakikita. Wala pa akong nakikitang staff, kaya mag-isa akong namomroblema. Buti na lang at behave naman si Lyra na hindi pa tinotopak.
I checked the time on my phone. Magmi-meet na lang kami sa fresh section pagkatapos kong makuha lahat ng listahan ko na bigay niya. Pero dito pa lang sa diapers, hindi na ako nakausad. Baka magkasalisihan pa kami kapag hinanap niya ako dahil natatagalan nga ako.
“Mamaya na nga ’to,” sabi ko sa sarili.
Tumulak na kami ni Lyra para kuhanin pa ang ibang nasa listahan. Bukod sa pagsasabi ng kung ano-anong syllables, hindi naman siya nagliligalig. Sinasabayan niya ata iyong kanta ng supermarket.
Naglalagay ako ng kahon ng cereals sa basket nang biglang hagipin ni Lyra iyong nasa tapat niya. Bago ko pa siya masaway, naitapon na niya iyon sa sahig.
“No, Lyra,” saway ko bago iyon kuhanin. Pagbalik ko, nakakuha na ulit siya ng isa pa.
“Don’t throw that,” sabi ko, ginagaya ang tono ni Frankie. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba roon kaya hindi niya binato. Hinawakan niya lang iyon at nilapit sa mukha niya.
Madali ko iyong nakuha sa kaniya pero tumili siya agad kaya binalik ko. Napakalakas ni Lyra umiyak; daig niya ata si Raiko noong baby pa. Saka hindi ko alam kung paano siya patatahanin. Madalas, ang nagpapatahimik lang sa kaniya ay pag-breastfeed.
E paano ko naman gagawin ’yon?
Baka masakal ako ni Frankie ’pag t-in-ry ko ’yon kay Lyra.
“O, ayan na nga e.” Pinagbigyan ko siya at binalik iyon sa kaniya. Siniguro kong hawak niya iyon nang maayos. Sana hindi niya kuyumusin o kagat-kagatin.
Bibilhin naman namin, pero baka mamaya, pagdating sa cashier, puro laway na niya ang box. Ang hilig pa naman niyang mangagat.
Pabalik na kami sa pinanggalingan kanina nang malaglag naman ang sandals niya. Ipinarada ko muna ang stroller sa bukana ng diaper aisle para damputin iyon at isuot sa kaniya. Hindi naman niya kinakagat ang cereal box. Tinuturo-turo lang niya ang designs.
Tinanggal ko muna ang hairband niya nang mapansing magulo na ang kaniyang buhok. Nahirapan pa akong isuot iyon dahil napakalikot ng ulo niya. Kapag ata ako kaharap niya, pakiramdam niya lagi, naglalaro kami. Panay ang ilag at tawa niya habang isinusuot ko sa kaniya iyon.
Sa huli, sa braso ko na lang inilagay ang hairband niya. Sinuklay ko na lang ng kamay ang buhok niya para maayos. Bahala na kung may makakita sa aking may napakalaking bulaklak sa braso. Ewan ko rin kay Cali bakit napakalaki ng design ng hairband na binili niya. Mas malaki pa ata sa mukha ni Lyra e.
Sinisiguro kong hindi matatanggal ang dalawa niyang sandals nang harangan niya ang mukha niya ng cereal box.
“Ba!” biglaan niyang sabi at idinungaw ang mukha niya sa left side. Nang lingunin ko siya ay hinarangan niya ulit ang mukha niya ng box.
Sumilip siya sa kanan ngayon. “Ba!”
Napakurap-kurap ako. Saka ko lang na-realize na nakikipaglaro siya. Tatayo na sana ako nang ayos nang magpakita ulit siya as left side.
“Ba!”
Nagkunwari akong nagulat.
Kasabay ng tawa niya ay ang panggigigil niya sa box na hawak. Ayon na nga, nagusot na. Kahit sobra na sa bibilhin dapat ngayon, wala kaming choice kundi bayaran ’yon mamaya sa cashier.
“Kaya pala ang tagal… Naglalaro.”
Napalingon ako sa likuran nang marinig ang pamilyar na boses ni Frankie. Pumalatak siya at umiling. Si Raiko na nasa tabi niya, may hawak na basket pero iisang item ang laman. Binigyan lang siguro ni Frankie ng basket para hindi magpasaway.
“Sorry na…’di ko mahanap ’yung diaper na sinasabi mo e,” hingi ko ng pasensiya. Natawa lang siya roon bago itulak ang cart papasok sa aisle. Pinanood ko siyang yumuko at kinuha iyong isang pack ng diaper sa lower shelf. Pinakita niya iyon sa akin.
Kumunot naman ang noo ko. Parang wala naman ’yun do’n kanina. I scanned this aisle thrice earlier, imposibleng hindi ko ’yon makita.
“Mata kasi ang gamitin mo panghanap,” umiiling niyang sabi. Tumingkayad siya pagkabalik sa akin. She kissed my frown away. “Tara na.”